Tuesdays with Stories! - #546 Live at the Gramercy Theatre w Bobby Kelly, Andrew Youngblood + Jim Norton

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

*Sign up for the Tuesdays with Stories Patreon to get the extended cut of this pod, with an additional 50 minutes of the live show RIGHT NOW!* Tuesdays with Stories returns for another LIVE show at the Gramercy show in NYC! Mark Normand + Joe List are joined by Bobby Kelly, Andrew Youngblood, and Jim Norton to kick it back and forth onstage about getting taken advantage of, gloryholes, and milking tables! Directed by Chuck Staton Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Check out Andrew Youngblood's new special FREE on Mark's Youtube channel, out Thurs, March 28th! - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free when you use the promo code TUESDAYS at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. - Support the show and get 10% off your 1 st month of therapy. Head to https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS #marknormand #joelist #jimnorton #bobbykelly #robertkelly #andrewyoungblood

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Thank you. Hey, they kept saying it wasn't that full, but this is pretty good. No, everyone said, everyone encouraged us to kill ourselves, but this people here. We'll still do that, but yeah, look at that.

I don't even see an empty seat in the house. Don't look in the back. They're over there. Well, it's dark. I see them. Dark up there. But we're not gonna focus on the people didn't show.

What about these queefs who are out here, huh? Thanks for doing it. Thanks for coming. And these people didn't come. There's an empty seat. How about my guidance counselor here, huh? Jesus Christ. I did the Tonight show last night.

I haven't been home yet. I've been out on a bender. He relapsed. Oh, there's the gay wrestler guys. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The Bushwhackers. Yes, yes.

Good to see you guys. We're at a point where I walked in and I was like, hey, Steph, I know all the fans by name. Yeah. It's a sad point in your career where you're like, Big Steve. Yeah. Philip. Well, you could probably just get.

Hey, Kyle. Writtenhouse? Oh, I wish. He kills. That guy was first class if you ask me. Yeah. Well, you know, if you take the kids out of school, they're going to shoot somewhere else. Could be something. Well, people, every time we do a live pod, everyone shits.

and says it's so different than the other pod. So I brought stories. Yes. I'm bringing the heat. That's the name of the show. Yeah. I'm not going to tell them. I'm going to look at some shit up here.

Do you want to know about the suit? Oh, please. I got a whole tale about the suit. I believe that's like a dark purple. Yes. That's an odd choice. Odd. What are you kidding?

I'm like, I'm black. I'm like a black comic. I wanted to bring a towel out and say the N-word. but they said, no, no, you can't. Now, that would have gone viral. No, I think purple's, purple's night. It pops. They said color pops, and then everyone wears a blue suit, a gray suit, a black suit.

I went purple, and Ian Lara was my inspiration. Well, he's black. Yeah. Yeah. They're cool. I just didn't peg you as a purple. I pegged you yesterday. I love to be pegged.

He does. I've never been pegged, but don't you feel like, I do this bit on stage. I mean, I'm on stage right now. At the beginning of a relationship, you're like talking to your wife, girlfriend, and you're like, who's that guy? Why are you talking to that guy?

Would you like that guy? You think he's cute? What's your deal? Now we've been married 17 years. I'm like, will you fuck my best friend in front of me? Please. Do you suck my buddy's dick until I come? Please, yeah.

I know what you mean. It gives you something new to talk about, at least. Can't do the weather again. What's Bob's dick like? And I always talk about it. It's purple. Is that what deep purple is? Ooh.

Like a deep purple. Whoa. The head of your dick is purple and it's deep, it's deep purple. Yeah, I like that. And then you wonder, what about grimace? He's purple. He's girthy. Girthy Grimis.

Gigi. Alan. All right, so you're buying a purple suit. suit? So I go, I'm doing the Tonight Show, which is exciting. You know, it's fun, and it's fun to go get a new suit. Yeah, well, what do you go? Soul Train fashion, urban threads. Where do you go for that? Fubu. This is a Fubu. Oh, nice. For us, buy us. That's right. So I went, I went to Bloomingdale's. I like to go to Bloominghys. And normally I

would go with my wife, but we got a baby, and you don't want to bring the baby to Bloomingdale's, or anywhere. Honey Fubu. Sorry, sorry. Wait, what is it again? Honey Fubu. Like Honey Boo Boo? Oh, I forgot about Honey Boo Boo. I haven't thought about Honey Boo in a long time. I think about her every day.

This is the show. Hey, we're doing the show. This feels right. By the way, I really stand by. We talk about every time. I think the live shows are the best show. Birthdays was the worst days. That was some shit of pain when we're Thursday.

Yeah, Reddit would disagree. But keep going. So I went to Bloomingdale to get the suit. I went solo, and I walked. I went to Ted Baker first. You know me. I like to Ted Baker it up. But all their suits, they're checkery.

So they're moir. You know, Moyer? Is that the guy who circumcises? That's Moyol. Moyol. What's a moiter? Moyer is when you're a suit or a garment, it moves on TV.

Like Moyer Adams. I don't know who that is either. Oh. Mayor Adams. Oh. You're going to tear your pants stretching like that. All right. You guys know Moyer?

Moray. Moray. Oh, this guy's, we went to college. Well, that means there's someone in the business over there. What do you do? The industry. Video? Yeah, moray, right?

What was I saying? Moyer. Right. Moray. Moire. It's a Moray eel. Anyways, more Ray, less Ray, the right amount of Ray. We're all gay.

It's when your suit gets all wonko on TV. I see, I see. So they said, you can't have that, whatever. So then I went over to some other section called, I forget what it was, some other designer. And those suits are $2,800 a suit. Yikes. No, thank you.

This is, the tonight show pays $800 or something. It's higher than that. But it's not much. I think it's $12. Yeah, I think it's $1,200. And then which taxes. When you guys are people that watch television sometimes. Does anyone watch the Tonight Show?

Wow. Well, someone watched it. I mean, I got a couple of tweets. All right. But whatever it is, yeah, on YouTube, whatever, they see it somewhere. You see it on YouTube. There you go. But anyways, the point is, I think, I've had this theory before.

Comedians will go on late night and do all these jokes about being broke. And I'm like, I don't think they work because, at least in the old days, People see you on TV in a suit. They think you're getting paid $5 million. Yes. So you see a comedian in The Tonight Show being like, boy, I got no money. And I'm like, but I think the audience is like, what do you mean you don't have money? You're on TV.

It's a good point. But you don't make any money on TV. So they're right. That's true. Yeah. Any jizz. I went down there. I walk over.

I meet a lady. She was very nice. And I'm afraid to shit on her too much because she's very nice and she might hear this. Julianne Moore? No, no. Oh. She was mean. She said, get the fuck away from me.

I heard you have herpes. And I was like, well, don't worry about it. No, so I went to buy the suit, and the lady was very nice. And she's like, I see you see the purple Paul Smith suit. And I said, yeah, it looks pretty nice. I heard it will pop on TV. And this lady, she really sunk her teeth into me. You can see she had like, what do you call that?

When you're a salesman, a mark. A live one. A live one. Yes. She reeled me right in. And I said, I got to try on the suit. And I was wearing, you know, sweatpants. and a fucking Arizona Wildcats t-shirt.

Sure, sure. And she said, you can't try on a suit without a shirt. You're going to get a dress shirt to try on the suit because it doesn't fit the same way. I said, all right, we'll go grab a dress shirt. Thank you.

She's aggressive. She brings me a shirt. I put the shirt on. I try the suit on. She's like, it's perfect. You got to get this suit. I said, great. And I thought it looked fine.

I was like, I'm in a suit. It looks like a suit. She brings the tailor in, so she's got a second guy. A second person comes in. And he's like, let me take a look. He's touching my dick and moving the thing,

and he's pulling, he's at the pins. Oh, you got it altered. Yeah, a tailor. Ah. The tool man, Taylor. Yeah. So he's reaching, and he's like, you got a pinch, and I'm like, I think it looks pretty good.

Yeah, it looks great. He's looking at the back, well, now it's been tailored, but he's looking at the back and he's like, the back, and then they show you in the mirror. He's like, look at this back, and I'm like, I think it's a pretty good back. Great back. I've jizzed on that.

He's like, it's like, it's a terrible back. You got to, so he's putting the pins and the chalk, the business and oh yeah the truck whatever and then I go okay well tailor it up let's go I got to I got to have it by Monday 3 p.m and he's like no no no chance I can't do it uh Asian guy so I'm like oh I don't do he's a terror that took a second you fucks really did so he's going no no I can't do it and I'm like okay that I start taking the suit off. I'm like, I got to go somewhere else. And the lady is like in the mirror like doing that. Like, don't worry about it. What is that mean? I don't know. I'm like, well, he's saying, it's like, it's like, it's like, Ace Ventura. He's like, your wife just said she expects him home any minute. Like I'm like, he just said I can't do it. Right. She's like, he can do it. Oh, this lady's bad news. And the guy's like, I can't do it. I can have it Monday night, maybe. And I'm like, well, I need it Monday 3 p.m. And she's like, I'll get it by Monday 3 p.m. And he's like, he'll get it by Monday 3 p. And he's. And he's, he'll get it by Monday, and he's. And he's. And he's. And he's. And he He's like, I won't.

She wants the sale. Yeah, she wants the sale. And I'm like, lady, I'm not going to buy a fucking $1,000 suit if I can't wear the fucking thing. So then I go, all right, she's like, don't worry. So the tailor leaves and she's like, it's totally fine. We can get it. She goes, we can do express tailoring. I said, well, mark me down for express.

And then he, like, pops his head back in. He's like, that'll get it by 4 p.m. Monday. And she's just, she does this to him. So I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So the express tailings $25. Yeah. I go, no problem. I go, I'll pay whatever.

I need the suit. So she goes, okay, you'll pay whatever. Oh. So now she's got, I'm hooked, Jerry. This is a grift. It's a total grift. So I go, okay, so, yeah, I'll just, I'll pay. How does it work?

And she's like, well, he could probably bump you up if you're willing to offer her money. What is this, a kidney? I go, yeah, well, what are we talking? I can give him money. She goes, let me go talk to him. Oh, come on. They're in cahoots. The whole time I'm in the suit, it's like baggy.

I look like the Tom Hanks character at the end of big when he goes back to small. Oh, yeah, yeah. By the way, fuck that lady when he was like 14. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. She must have felt weird. Yeah.

So I'm swimming in the suit. I think it looks good. They think it looks bad. So she leaves, she comes back and she goes, okay, yeah, if you get him some money and I go, well, I got four bucks on me. I got to go to an ATM. And she goes, he said there's one on 58th Street.

Oh, I swear to God. Oh, man. So they're over there. They know what's going on. So I go to the ATM, take out $80. I come back and I felt like Albert Brooks. I was like, listen, I've never done this. Is this? How do I do it? She's like, well, just give me the money. I'll give it to him.

Okay. And I'm like, I got $60. Does that work? She's like, that's perfect. Perfect. I'm like, well, is that too much? Exactly. That's good.

Oh, man. So I give her $60. She goes back to him. She comes back. She goes, I'll be ready at noon tomorrow. Oh, man. They bumped it up three days for 60 bucks. You got rooked.

I bet that guy didn't even have an accent. They were totally fucking... They painted his skin all brown. He wasn't white. He was brown. Yeah, fuck. I blew it. So, they go, okay, I'll be ready at tomorrow at noon.

I go, okay, terrific. And then she keeps going, by the way, I can do personal shopping. Your wife has a baby. Tell me her size. I'll go shopping for you. And I'm like, this is... What am I fucking... Jeff Bezos? I can't afford a personal shopper.

So she goes, give me your number. Give me your cell. And I go, well, I'll text you later. She goes, this is my cell. Jesus. She goes, text me so I have your number, which is psychotic. Is that crazy? It's wacky. I think these are gypsies. Something's up. So then the next day I come back at noon, all ready to go, straight from the gym, sweating, rock hard. I go, I'm ready to pick my suit up. And she goes, oh, that's not ready today. It's not ready at noon.

What? What happened to the greasing? I said. I'm like grease. I got grease everywhere. Grease is the word. So she goes, he doesn't even get until noon. Oh. And I was like, you said noon. And she goes, it'll be ready at four.

So I'm like, well, I can't come. I'll have to come tomorrow. So now I've got to go three days in a row. I go, I come back Sunday, I get the thing. She rings up the suit and the shirt. I try it on. Fits great. Hands me the receipt. The shirt, this shirt, the one that she's like,

you gotta get the shirt, now that you've tried it on. Right. $270 this shirt. Wow. Oh, that's what my old suit cost that. I mean, is that fucking wild? That's outrageous. She could have grabbed me a Sears shirt.

Yeah, those are $23.99. I've stole them. 270. White shirt. Wow, you got rooked. She thought you were some rube from Indiana. I was hoping this to get a big laugh, but you guys are just like, you got fucked over.

That's horrible. I know. I'm wearing a $270 shirt. Well, what's the suit go for? This is a thousand. Oh. This shirt. is 25% of the suit.

Yes. That's why I'm wearing it. I'm not taking it off till Christmas. What is this place so we can all throw a Molotov cocktail to the window? It's Bloomingdale's.

I go to Bloomingdale's baby. Oh, I thought you went to some shoddy operation in the garment district and some fucking shisty Jew got you. No, this is Blooms. And then yesterday

it's the big taping and I get a, hello, Mr. List, good luck. And I'm like, I send it to the guy that books the Tonight Show. I'm like, is this your people? And he's like, that's not one of us.

And I go, who the fuck is texting me? They're like, good luck in the tonight show. I have no idea. It's the woman. I never gave her my number. She looked it up in the system. I mark my word. She gives hand jobs.

Well, she texted me today. She wrote, great job. The suit looks good with a link to the set. As though I wasn't. Like, she's like, here it is. Here's a video of the set. I'm like, I know I was there. I got to say, she's more invested in your life than your wife.

Oh, absolutely. Sarah doesn't even know I was on the Tonight Show. She hasn't seen me. I've been home. I've been out fucking women all night. Wow. This is crazy. Yeah, so anyways, I'm wearing a $1,300 outfit.

She fucked me on the shirt. Yes, she did. Bloomingdale. The tailors are shifty. I had a guy, everybody goes, you got to go to Hong Kong Taylor. Hong Kong Taylor. He's some crazy Korean guy in the village.

Not a fake name. Google it. Hong Kong Taylor. It's on. like 8th Street right off 6th Avenue. So I go, all right, I got a nice suit. My dad gave me. It's too big. He's fat. I'm going to go

in there. I'm going to get it all fitted. And this guy, I mean, he was like a ninja. He, I mean, you know, he was... I believe they all are. Ninja, please. But he was, he put on some music and it was like,

waw, bamboo, pipe and all that. Pan flute and he had like a little, what do you call that, the splashy rock thing with the water. What about the cat with the hand? Oh, the cat was in there doing the white power. Yeah, yeah. Cat power. Yeah, good band.

But it was all Asian-y, and he got down and he had a robe on and those wooden shoes that have just two blocks on the bottom, you know? I swear to God, he had a ponytail, and he used a samurai to cut it up. And he was marking me up with all the chalk all day long. He was putting pins in me, and he went and popped a smoke bomb, and he was gone. And I'm just like, I'm just hearing cash with, chiching, chiching, like, how much is this going to cost? Toching, chiching. I don't think you can say that. What the hell?

This is a family show. Well, there goes S&L. But I'll get it in five years. But, uh... $100 bet. So, yeah, he goes, it's gonna run about $300. And he's been in there for like 45 minutes,

just chalking me up. And I go, oh, yeah, yeah. I got to take a phone call. I had my jeans and coats and shirt in there because I'm wearing the suit now. I took a phone call and I ran home. So, watch up with that guy. He's out there.

Hope he never hears this, because he's got a picture of me with a knife in it in the wall. But it feels like you robbed him. You stole the suit. Well, it was my suit. Oh, you said Taylor. With my dad's suit. I thought I forgot it was the dad's suit.

He didn't give me a suit. I thought you were in my situation, then you just ran out of Bloomingdale's. No, no. It was Hong Kong. And he got my jeans. I mean, I knew it was Hong Kong's, but I thought he made the suit for you. And then while he was fixing it, you took off.

No, he wouldn't make me a suit. I got you. All right. I got confused. I get confused myself sometimes. Yeah, it was bad. It was like an episode of Squid game. But I got out.

Well, suits are, it's tricky business out there. Yeah, lawsuit. Suit yourself. We got a hot show tonight. And we got some big guests. It's got a hot show. What? What?

They're over there, I think. Oh, yeah, they're there. Oh, big time. They're angry. They're waiting. Legendary guests. Oh, yeah. Another guy, too.

Yes. We got the guy who lit himself on fire for Palestine. No. We got a... Well, we should start with the nobody first. Absolutely. Yeah. And then we'll work our way up.

You know, sometimes they say this man needs no introduction. This man needs a lot of introduction. Yes, yes. Lots and lots of it. Well, he's a... He's a comedian. Yeah, out of Texas, Houston, to be exact. He owns his own comedy club.

He's got a YouTube special coming out sometime in the future. Soon. Yes. I assume you all do. They're pretty common now. But yeah, put your hands together for Andrew Youngblood. Hey! You've heard them mentioned on the pod.

Hey. Oh, there you go. They're on the chair. That's on the chair. I got no greeting. All right. No one gives us instructions. So just mics in the back.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, just come out and grab a seat. Maybe I should go on the end there. Is it weird? We just put a ran, I guess, should I sit here? We get no arm there though. I got no arm, but I feel we were putting a, it feels like an intervention.

We put the guy right in the middle. Sit here then. Is it too close to you? What does that mean? Wow. A lot of planning has gone into this show. All right, you're right. We're not big planning.

planners. No, planter fitness. I got planter fasciitis. There you go. All right. And next up, you all know them. You've seen them on HBO, Comedy Central, Netflix, Serious Radio. Put your hands together for Jim Norton, everybody. Oh, my God. Yeah. How the hell did we go? Oh, okay. We got one more. We got all the guests. They're all here. And another comedy

legend I've known this guy for fucking 75 years he officiated by wedding you know him you love him Robert Kelly is here everybody unless you want arms do you want arms are you okay with no arms no I'm good I

you guys they didn't know I was here so when they said that thing the fucking worst to the best and you brought me up last you know you wanted Norton last no you look at me you went oh shit he's here too fuck

there's no this is no hierarchy we're all zeros Yes. Yeah. You're good. We went by size. What's up? That hurts.

You look great, though. You look great. Hey, thank you. How about him? The Bible salesman here. I like it. I think it looks good. That suits you.

Yeah. That works. Bob, guess how much this shirt cost? $3.59. 270. You fucked me. Is that the worst? You're like, guess that?

how fat this girl was. I don't know, 180? You're like, she was 2.10. I guess I did it reverse, but you guys still got to laugh, whatever. Well, every time we come on, we do a live pod, we all just want to zing and zang and have a nice time,

and we lose the essence of the show, which is story. Yes. At a boy, Joe. Yes. Is that what you heard? And we never asked the guests to Britt tell a story.

So I told Andrew ahead of time, Andrew's a fucking crazy gambling party fucking nut. I'm a regular person. Come on, I got kids. Yeah, shit. Wow. They don't listen to this.

They don't figure it out. So does Bill Cosby? Oh, I got two. You didn't know that. I've known you for fucking eight years now. I thought you had one kid. No, I got a six-year-old Mexican and then I got a 14-year-old white.

Nice. White, white, white. I'm more of a fan of the Mexican. He's the better. Did you adopt the Mexican? No, no, no. Just came in a Mexican. That's it.

That easy. You're the fuck the ones I fuck. They never get pregnant. Yeah, unless they spit it into a vagina. All right. Are there Mexican trans? Are there? I mean, who knows?

What a cute, naive question. Yes. I never see them. They're just too busy working. Reasonable priced, fully functional. Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah.

Usually I'm circumcised. Yep. Unclipped, we say in the biz. It's a real tamale. In the union? You've never been with a trans girl? I have, actually, on accident. Oh, yeah, I heard of it.

Oh, yeah, me too. Accident. Jim married one by accident. I'm like, yeah, this is the 5,000th time I've made this mistake. Actually, I said, oh. Oh. You ever? Huh?

You ever been with a Tran? No. Come on with that hat. Okay. Okay. I got this from a trans. Yeah, she was using it as a condom. No, I mean, I've come close.

What do you mean? It missed her mouth? Yeah. No, I've never been one like fully like, you know, I'm going to go and be, I've been around them, I've been near it, I love it. I think a lot of girls are sexy. I sucked one off. No, no, I haven't. Yeah, well, DeRosa did it and it like helped his career.

Doesn't work that way for all of us. He's selling more sandwiches than ever. Yeah. Have you ever been to the trans? No. I've never been with a man or. Yeah, no. What about a boy?

Yeah, what about an eager lad? You were babysitting. Joe never babysat? I babysit now. My baby. That's not babysitting, that's watching. That's your kid. It's not taking care of.

Well, whatever. It's called fatherhood. That's amazing. You're a dad. Big dad. Big old dad. Big dad energy. Thank you. Very happy.

Yeah, I was with a baby today. Did you snip him? No, that's a myth. Wait, wait, what? You know, people think you cut a baby's dick off. You don't cut his dick off. Oops. What do you mean?

You didn't do it? I can't believe that didn't get a laugh. Because it makes you guys didn't laugh, so now it feels like you think that I think the snip is cutting the baby's dick off. But did you circuit. No, no. That was our, they just, they did that.

They didn't even say, like, hey. They just take it away. Really? When they just come in, we'll be right back. And they really don't ask. And then they come back and they bring you a perfect cock. Yeah. They play a commercial.

Later sucking. Wow. No, there was no, the umbilical. You're talking about the umbilical cord. No, you're talking about the bribal cord? No, he's talking about the bribal cord. No, no, circumcision. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were talking about because the dad cuts the cord. Oh. That's gross. Oh, that's why it wasn't funny, because you were talking about cutting the dick off. Yeah, yeah. I thought you were talking about cutting the cord, and I was doing a gag that I thought cutting the cord

is cutting the dick off. These are the type of mishaps that people take a three's company. Yeah. We should write a show, the five of us. I think five white men could sell a show right now. Yes, that's what the industry wants.

With one Mexican baby. There you go. But no, I didn't cut anything. I didn't do nothing. I just sat there. But did they cut his dick? Is your kids circumcised? Thank you. That's what we're trying to talk about this kind of stuff. We want to know about your kids' day. People are very judgmental. It's It's a child.

He has a dick. You do. I got attacked. I got attacked by a lot of people when I got my kid circumcised. But it's not something you think about. Look, I'm Irish Catholic from Boston. It's just something you do. And they come in.

We're going to take the kid. Okay, you're so fucked up. You don't even know what's going on, I guess. And they take it and they rip shit off your kid's dick. And then hand them back to you with a red dick. You're like, uh, yeah. What do I do now? And they're like, it's okay.

And then, you know, you hope for the best. Yeah. Yeah. You hope he likes it. Yeah. Well, I mean, I like yours. Yeah, I love yours. Yeah.

I'm also clipped. But I wish that I hadn't been mutilated. Why? No, I'm just kidding. Guy who makes it serious. You know, all kidding aside. I've seen those protesters out there every now and then. Like, it's mutilation.

They have red paint on the front of their white pants. Those guys are the fucking, what buzz kills? I know. What is this? October 7th? Take it easy. Those are Palestinians. Oh.

Did you? Okay. My white kid is a clip, but my Mexican, they're like, you got to make an appointment. And I was like, yeah. So he's just sleeping bagging it. Like, it's full on. So when they see each other's dick, are they like, hey, what's going on here? I mean, it's like 10 years apart, so they don't really look at each other's days.

I'm not like, hey, 14, you go take a bath with your brother. Like, it's weird. How old is these little guys? I got a 6 and 14. Yeah. You don't want the 4. 14th and Roe staring at the situation. No, yeah, yeah.

They hate each other. It's wild. Well, Bobby and I had 10 years apart. We look at each other's dick all the time. All the time. I've seen his dick. Every time we FaceTime, the camera slowly comes down. I mean, talking about serious stuff,

like, yeah, man, thanks so much for help me on. It slowly pans down. And his cock has been hard. Sure. The whole part the whole time around the phone. Yeah. Yeah. Unless you work for CNN.

I don't want to live in a world We're having a conversation with someone on the phone and then you show them your hard dick isn't funny. That's not... Yep. That's gold. Yeah. Louis loves that one.

It's pretty good. In high school, the old wristwatch, you know? They're like, oh, what time it is? You got the wristwatch on? You got the tumor? You remember? You guys remember that? Just like, oh, man, my stomach's been hurting me.

I got the tumor and it's just your friend's ball. Yes. The bat wings? That was a big one. Stretch it out. Satin gum. Satin gum. Monkey brains.

You get someone. tuck it and just do the girl thing. Oh, yeah. Sounds of limbs. Yeah. I did that today. I do that every time I take a shower. Me too. You ever see the video with a guy?

The guy tucks his balls in his asshole and then farts them out. Yes. One of the greatest things on the internet. That's great. And you'll be like, ah, and you'll watch it 75 times. And you'll show it to your wife or your grandmother. It's the best video ever.

Because he has a nice asshole. Yeah. I directed that video. I'm very proud of that. Took them 40 takes to get it, but he finally popped him out. We celebrated. It's one of my favorite videos. Do you want to see it? Do women ever do this? You guys are late. Do you ever like you're talking to your friend and then you go, hey, time for clams? And then you, you know, clam sauce.

No? Well, you're the only two women. So I don't know who else to ask. Women over there? Booms? You take your tips out in a conversation? Sometimes. All right. Like you're talking to one of your girl, hey, Sue. Whoa. Wait, you got itchy tits and then they fall out.

That might be different. All right, this is bad. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's crazy. That looked like soft serve ice cream for a second. Yeah. Also, the guy's dick is like seven feet long. Yeah, it's a huge dog.

You have a big dick and a nice ass to do this video right. Can we pull this up in the big screen? Get that on the projector. Yeah. Air drop it to the guy who owns the place. No, we can't show this. Yes, you can. It's fucking awesome.

Let me see it, Bob. It's pretty good. Let me see it. Oh, come on. All right. Okay, there's a man's heinie, a long penis, and his balls just drooped out of it. That was really impressive. Yeah, yeah.

Man. What good timing he had, even ran in the room with his balls tucked to keep the joke pure. I wonder how many takes that, 74. How many fights you got in with his wife? Yeah. The craziest part is the length of his dick. I couldn't stop staring at it. He's got a big piece. Big hug.

And I never see the back of a dick that often. Oh, you got to live a little. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, no, please. Do you guys ever get milked like when you're in your... I love milk. That used to be my thing from 95 to 2003.

But you were in a... I was a milking king of Boston. Wait. You were in a barn though. You're fat now too. I know. Yeah, I used to love that. The milking.

Yeah, I used to have a girl that just did that. Really? Yeah, we didn't even have sex. You were just put me on all fours and milk me like a fucking baby calf. Oh, wow. Was there a missing kid on the side of your leg? That was a great tattoo?

Just a surprise her one day. I liked it. I mean, one time it was hot. It was one of those hot New York days we used to have before climate change. And she went, we did it. And then she went like, Chile went like this to my, I got into my position. She went, go wash your bum, honey. Wow.

Damn. Now, was there a milking table? Have you seen that where they get under it? Oh, yeah, the massage table with the hole in it. Thank you. Yes. No, I didn't know they had that. I'd ask for that for Christmas.

So what are you doing? They're on Amazon. Yeah. It's a great place to put a cactus under. So what are you doing it then? How are you doing it? The milking. Well, she, I don't do it.

She does it. But that's just a hand job, is it not? Well, it's from the back, though. You pull everything from the back. You pull it from the back and budu, boodoo-da-ba-ba-ba-ba. And then, boom. Oh, yeah. You're a good dad.

From the back. Yeah. Any girl did that? any girl. Don't be embarrassed. Raise your hand. There's only six women here. Nobody ever did that from behind. Someone either scratched their face or raise their hand politely and I'm staring at them.

So now I feel weird. Look at there's a couple guys like this. She did it. Hey! Folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Blue Chew. I know you're great in bed. If you're listening to this show, you're good in bet. No questioning that. However,

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this a lot because you have to segue back into your regular life. I would never let my wife do that. What? Because I love her. I would never let her. Especially now. I'm 53. It looks like an elephant's knee pad down there. But it's hard to be like, let's bring a guy over to fuck you in front of me the way I pray for. Because then you have to be like, okay, take care, Glenn. Good to meet you. And then you got to go back to eating spaghetti and meatballs together. It's just too weird. I've done that.

We did with a male escort years ago with a girlfriend I had. And I wanted to see her blow a guy. So we got an escort so it wouldn't be somebody who got attached to her. And he came over and he had a considerably larger penis than I did. Yeah. She liked it a lot. Ah. That's tough.

I one time did that in a beach town. It was on vacation. This lady was hitting on me. and then her husband comes over and her husband's like just talking and then he leaves and she's like, do you want to fuck me? I was like, what about your husband? She's like, here's the deal.

He's going to watch. I was like, all right. And I go over there and I like, we start, you know? And he's just in the kitchen like at the island drinking a beer and like watching. I was like, like, this is like behind me. I was like, like, this guy's about to kill me. I'm like that.

So I'm like slowly like just like turn her to the side like that. Is it Jerry Falwell? It was so fucking weird. And then finally, I finished. And also, I'm scared because I got my, I was so scared. I didn't even take my jeans off all the way. I got the shoes on and the jeans on. I'm so vulnerable right now, you know?

And so I finish and then I get to leave. And the guy's like, on the way out, he goes, let me walk you out. And he's like, thank you very much. And I was like, all right. It was an Elvis impersonator. By the way, do you know the humiliation, the humiliation of being a cuck? And then a guy's like, it's funny, I've been the bull in that situation. I did the fucking.

Is that what they called, the bull? The bull and the cuck, yeah. What are you fucking, what are you a rookie? Hey, I never became a bull. I was always just a cow. Wait, so I feel like you skipped some parts. So did he jerk off? He didn't do anything.

He literally, first of all, he just watches? Pretty sure he was like a maga hat wearing guy. He had like a cam. The whole thing was he was like an army guy. He could have kicked my ass so easily. It was terrifying. And then I'm like, ooh, equal rights. Like it was fucking, I didn't know.

It was so strange. So this was recently? I'm not putting a timestamp on it. Okay. But it was it was mega times? Yeah, I mean, he existed for sure. Okay. Yeah.

So this is like in the last nine years. He was polite. He was nice and he was like thankful that I railed his wife. Wow. So mega's not that bad? Yeah, I think so. Did you wear a condom? Yeah.

Come on. Does she come? No. Who knows? She's not coming to a fucking cuck. I did, you know what? I did get paranoid that I left the condom there. I know.

I should have tied it off and put it in my pocket and left. But instead, I threw it in the trash. And then for like months later, I was like, they're probably doing shit with my cum. Like, still. I can accuse you of, you know. He sounds like a fagga. Yeah, he drank it. Oh, yeah. Definitely drank that.

Always drinking gum out of a barrel. If you're going to drink cum, it's fresh. I don't know. What do you do, Jim? But when I imagine being a cuck every morning, I'm picturing myself standing and jerking off on the guy. Yeah, I think maybe he can't get, I don't know. I didn't really, like, dig in, you know, but maybe couldn't get hard, maybe. But he was all zipped up.

He was full. He literally was drinking a cooers. light and smoking a cigarette. And I was like, this is awesome. I've had that happen. I had that happen at the Stress Factory. Oh, wow. What happened? Yeah, after the show, this beautiful, like, she was older than me at the time,

but, you know, like 38 or something. It's really sexy. She's like, hey, blah, blah, blah. And she whispered in my ear, I want to blow you. But my husband's going to watch. Is that okay? I went, yeah, Green was right back there. As soon as I've done fucking selling my CD. And I went in the green remember, and she was there, and he just

stood in the corner and like fucking Count Dracula in the shadows. Whoa. I didn't give a shit. What, do you catch eyes with him? I stared right at him. I was like this. Wow. Make sure he's not reaching for something in his pocket.

I made him look down like a fucking dog. No, it was kind of sexy, but I mean, she had beautiful breasts and she really was into it. Right at the end, they're like, okay, bye. And I held you know, she cleaned up, blah, blah, blah. And they was just like, see you later.

And I was like, bye. And then a couple years later, I had one of my fats. Like, I got fat again. And it's just fucking, ugh. And they showed up. And I saw them. And I was like, because when you get fat, you really don't know. They get fat, you just your friends talking behind your back, how fat you are.

And I didn't know. I was like, hey, guys, I'll see you after the show. And they're like, nope, bye. And they just fucking left. I'm fat. Did you sell her a CD? I didn't have a CD at Den. Oh, the first time I gave her a CD and then some.

Yeah. I met a couple one time. I think it was the newspaper. Like years ago, you could write people through the paper, and it was a woman. Yeah, like the Star Ledger and a lot of stuff in New Jersey. They had singles ads. Bebe, be, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

I'm on a come on your wife's tits. Extra, extra. Read all about it. Little gay man wants to suck a guy off in front of his wife. Well, she was only her who advertised because she said she wanted to meet a straight guy. And when I talked to her, like I sent her a picture through the mail, like the regular male. And she's like, I'm married, but I wanted to get straight guys. But my husband wants to watch.

So I went to their house in North Jersey. And it was so bizarre. He looked like a little pizza maker. Like she was probably, I was about 22 and she was about 35. And he was probably in his 60s. And we 69, she and I. And she was blowing me. But then I looked over and I realized he was very, very close to my penis.

So I think he may have been a little helper. But I couldn't really tell if he was touching my dinner. Is it funny if he was doing a watercolor? I think he got a couple of little swipes in. Oh. I think so. Let me tell you, you know he. I don't know.

I would tell you, believe me. Fuck. There's no way you're sitting. No way you felt two tongues on your, your balls and dick. But it might have been, they might have, she might have pulled off and he might have went on, like. Oh, it's like when you leave the dog on the bed. You know, you're like, somebody licked my ass on. And it felt good.

I lost my virginity to an old bag, prostitute, and her husband was there for the virginity. Wow. The prostitute had a husband? You mean pimp? I think. They seem friendly. Yeah. Pimps are.

Did you pay or was it? No, no charge. I think she had a thing for little boys. You sure you just weren't molested? Either way. You were just molested by your aunt? I was 16. She was probably 52.

Yeah, you did get molested. I got molested and I liked it. That's gross. That's my wife's age. Sorry, it might have been her. But it can be for the right price. $2.50.

Sorry, Bob If we fuck your wife it off You can buy a milking table But yeah, so How much are they? I think there gotta be like 80 bucks Less than Joe's shirt, that's for sure. 270.

You've never done anything weird. Oh, come on, the black hookers. That's not weird? Yeah, that's not weird. You've never... Well, you've never... Well, they just robbed us. I didn't even fuck anybody.

They just smeared their tits on my glasses and took my money. It was like a James Bond car. They fogged up you. I've been robbed by Hooker. I mean, I've eaten assholes out. That's not weird at all now. Who was he?

I don't know. Some guy, he was dressed like a cow. Sticker sticking up. Did you ever have a threesome? No. Do you have a... Really? Do you ever have...

But we had those two old ladies that time. Oh, yeah. Mark and I each had an old bag. Yeah, we broke into that nurse at home. I forgot about that. Yeah, it was after a show, and were they sisters or aunts? What the fuck were they? They weren't nuns.

Aunts is older for some reason. It wasn't good. They were golden. And we went back to their hotel. They must have been... Oh, and I also had... I fucked like a 380-pound woman while Tom Austin fucked a grandmother in the same bed.

And she was bleeding too. Oh. And a boy, Joe, Joe. Well, I've told the story many times, but she also broke the tile. She was pissing while she blew me. Broke the tile. Yeah, somehow a towel could break. This is an old hotel, but she was sitting on the toilet.

She's like, I got a piss so bad. Are you sure you didn't fuck a baby gorilla? That's crazy. And while she was blowing me, I was so fucked up. And I was like, holding on the shower curtain. And then she was like, I got a piss. and it was like it was so

aggressively waterfally and it really while she blew you? Yeah. Oh, do you know how much I've spent on that?

That's like a blumpkin but not quite. Right? Yeah. Blumpkin is blowing while shitting. It's a pumpkin.

Remember the time we did the show upstate? We did the show upstate and we're coming back and I'm starving. I'm like, I'm hungry. And he's like, you know, he drives like

This. Now I want to get home. I want to get home. I'm like, all of a sudden he sees adult bookstore. Middle of nowhere. Cuts across the fucking highway. He goes in and I'm sitting there just waiting and he comes out fucking motherfuckers. Cuck suckers. He's all mad. Remember you were mad? I remember the place, but I don't remember why I was mad. You were mad because guys, it was a gay spot. You went in to jerk off in a booth, but it was a gay jerkoff

booth and they just kept knocking on the door politely. Yeah, the quiet. I'm in here. And they're like, knock, knock, knock. And you kept having to say, I'm in here. They didn't get the hint. Well, the worst is when there's a hole in the jerkoff booth and you just see a crooked finger come through and do that. I've seen that, that's a buzzkill, yeah.

And I remember we went, I just didn't understand that. And we were at the minute, you finally took me to McDonald's. And I was like, dude, would you, like, if someone gave you a million dollars, you know, you did that game, dude, would you, if somebody gave you a million dollars cash, tax free, no, no, suck off an old guy. and let him come in your mouth for a million dollars. I like that it's tax-free. All right, now I'm in.

If Uncle Sam's got his dirty hands in there, I'm not sucking that duck. He goes, what are you crazy? Of course I would. I just let a black chick shit in my chest and I paid her $500. What are you, Vince McMahon? Jesus Christ.

I was riding around looking at transgender gals one night in the meatpacking district before it got really, expensive is where all those hookers would hang out. And there was one, I just kept riding around and looking, and I pulled up to her, and she reached in, and she took my glasses, because I was wearing my glasses. And I was like, and she goes, for wasting my time, and took my glasses, and I was like, I couldn't see it all. Yeah.

And I saw a police car drive by, and I had to drive up, and I beeped the horn, I flashed down the police car, and I'm like, that lady took my glasses, so the police had to go, and get this woman to give back my glasses. It's like a horny Karen. And the cops like, you know that those are not chicks. I'm like, oh, I didn't know. I didn't have my glasses on. I was driving back from a shitty jersey

gig with this new kid and was sitting in the beat back district. He came through the hall and tunnel and we're at a red light. And the kid goes and we see these transgender hookers coming down. and they're, you know, they're barely trying. One of them look like Lamont from San Francisco. Timely. And he goes, he goes, he's like,

yo man, is it true about Jim Norton that he, is that all bullshit? Is that true? And I literally looked to my left and at the car next to me at the light was him in his little Saturn. It was probably the same night. You got your glasses stolen.

No, no, no. That was years before. See a question? I went, Norton. Saturn. I'm surprised you weren't driving

a Uranus. That glass is, that's brutal. Oh, yeah, she reached her right in and snatched them, invaded my space.

It's humiliating. I remember, like, street prostitutes were exciting and fun. Oh, yeah. Now it's, I would never do a prostitute because you've got to go to their house.

Yeah. Yeah, like, they're in their apartment. It's like, you know too much. You see their dog. dog and their couch and their DVD collection. I don't want to bump into like an open micer that's staying living next door in the same house in Astoria.

Right, right. This is about me? Hi, headline. Well, back of the day, on 43rd Street, there was just all streetwalkers. Oh, yeah. Before the internet, there were, there's girls like in G-strings and high heels just walking the streets. And as soon as you pulled up, they come up to the car, yo, baby. and it was kind of exciting

even if you weren't going to do it just to talk to him and let him reach in and grab you a cop you a cop no I'm not a cop oh that's hot there's a Hess station on 10th Avenue right by that testation yeah right over there it was wild oh yeah I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood and my dad was the widest man on the

planet and he dressed like Joe and so like black kids would be playing in the the fire hydrant spray and he'd pull up before school and be like excuse me that's illegal And I was like, oh, geez, you know. But there was one morning where there was a couple of hookers out in front of our house, hook him. And my dad was like, you can't stand here.

And they're like, fuck you, motherfucker. And they start kicking the car with the heels. I didn't know what was going on. I was like, these ladies are crazy. Later I found out because I fucked one of them. But I didn't know they were hookers at the time. I was too innocent. You ever hit the hooker game?

I know you got a 14-year-old and a 6-year-old that listened. Yeah, yeah. Both of them, Hooker Moms. Hooker Moms is a new MTV show. It was a payment plan. Still got to keep going. You know, I've dabbled in my life. I've dabbled a little bit.

They're going to come back to New York, I think. The streetwalking will probably never happen again because it's all like on apps and online. It's just so much easier. The migrants will need work. What's the new website we were talking about in the regs? Oh, I don't know. I forget.

Heroes. The website? Yeah, the Euro, you know, Euro. Eros is still up, yeah, sure. Yeah, it's still up, but it's like the high-end. It's like buying a Lexus. I just want to get like a used pre-owned Toyota. Yeah.

Yeah. He's not spending over 150. That's it. 150? What is it? 87? I don't know. At least 200.

250. What's still going to race, Jim? I haven't, and literally in five years. Wow. I have not in five. I haven't fuck anybody else. That's fucking big, man. That's huge, dude.

Sabre. I believe, I have not cheated on my wife. It's amazing. Good for you. You could have bought a house with the money you spent on prostitutes. Really? Yep. Yeah.

Did you buy new glasses? No, I went back to contacts. I was like, ah, they'll never get me again. That would be so awful. She's like, hey. Yeah. She just took a contact house. They just came in them.

So, Andrew, did you prepare a story? Because I told Andrew, Bring a humdinger. I got one. Trigger warning. It's a three sexual assaults and one night situation. All right.

You rape three women? Oh, no, no. Come on. That's a good one. I can't wait. Yeah. 25 years old. Go down to Mexico for the very first time.

I went with the lady who is, she was my roommate at the time. She goes, let's go to Mexico. I'll pay for it all because I'm broke. I got nothing. And I was like, oh, well, this lady doesn't want anything for me. This is perfect. And we go to Mexico.

Mata Morris, which is a border town. Real piece of shit drug town. And we go down the main street and this guy in Spanish goes, $13 all you can drink. And I was like, that's all I got. So that's perfect. Good deal. Wow. Yeah.

So I go in and it's just like horchata containers like full of booze. Like one says jack and coke on it, but it was definitely like gasoline. It was bad. So it was shit. This is on the Texas side or the Mexico? No, we're in Mexico. We left Texas already. But we're like a mile.

mile and a half from Texas. Gotcha. But back then, all you needed is an ID. Now they care who comes over and back, but back then, just an ID. And so we go in, we're getting hammered, we're having a great time, they have a shot bar,

there's four shot glasses, and there's a guy with two fingers. That's crazy, right? It's old man, and you go up, you're like, can I get two shots? He'd pour half sprite, half tequila, he'd slam it down, he'd give it to you, and then he wouldn't wash it and give it to the next person. Like, it was disgusting. It's brutal.

So the shot is half Half tequila half Sprite That's just It was $13 all you can drink What were we expecting here? That's fair You know So we're having a good time

I'm pretty fucking hammered At this point And we're dancing And this girl comes over to me She's like hey my friend thinks you're cute You want to dance with them And I go yeah I'd love to dance with them Were you dancing with just you and your friend

That's just us just hanging out You and a dude? No, it was a girl Oh sorry Yeah she wasn't she looked like you but She was a girl She looked like a goth kepler elf? I know girls like that

and they'll blow you while pissing. Yeah, well, we're dancing and we're having a good time. This lady comes over. She's like, you want to dance with my friend? I'd love to. And then a few minutes later, I'm surrounded by like 10 people and they're like circling all around us

and dancing. And I'm like, what the hell's going on? And I realized I'm in a gay bar. It's all guys. And I was like, oh, shit. I'm cool with that I'm okay I'm not gonna make a deal of it

but then I go I gotta get out of the situation and there's a language barrier and I don't know how to say I don't want to suck your cock but you know so I just go hey I gotta go to the bathroom

I'll be back and I didn't realize that's the wrong thing to do it again it's literally the cock sucking cave yeah that means that's like somebody like

I got it I got to go to the bathroom that's The equivalent of ringing a dinner bell. Yeah, no. And I didn't know, but... I gotta go drop trow, if you know what I mean. I'm gonna go take a poop.

I gotta get blown. So I go to the bathroom, and I'm pretending to pee at the urinal, just trying to, like, I'm too drunk to really, like, how do I handle this? And two guys followed me into the stall. Ooh, baby. And then I turn around.

My dick's out, because I'm not good at pretending, I guess. You're hard. Well, one of them grabs my dick, puts it in the other guy's mouth. Nice. Right? And then the other one grabbed it and I'm like fucking drunk

and I'm like, oh, this feels awesome. Jesus. But I took it and put it in the other guy's mouth. I didn't. He did it. They were like, boom. Oh yeah, they were Sharon. They were like,

they were like, uh, they were three card Monty in your dick. Yeah, it was a whole thing. And they're sharing. I'm like panicking and I'm like, this feels good, but you know, I don't, I'm too, like I can't, you know. And so I go, uh, I support you guys,

but I don't really support this. So we get out of here. I love that. I love that you're so liberal while getting raped. You're like, I'm for gay marriage. I just... It's the gay assault I'm a little awkward about it.

I'm a snowflake for sure. And then the security comes in, he bangs on. He's like, hey, what are you boys doing in there? I was like, I ain't doing nothing, man. Doing nothing. Please tell me he came in instead of sucking your balls. And he kicks us out. And we get kicked out of the bathroom.

And I'm like, I wasn't really even doing anything. It was all them. And I get to my friend, I was like, we got to get the fuck out of here. She goes, what happened? I was like, let's just not talk about it. Were you kind of like puffed up at this point? I just got the best job of my life.

No, it was great, but I was like panicking. I was too, you know, honestly, that was my 20s. If it was in my 30s, I'd be like, you guys just finished and then we'll get out of here. Yeah, you know. I got to get out of here. I met Jim Norton at a bar. They were sharing it?

Yeah, they were going back and forth, but I, you know, it's too much. share. A guy spit is disgusting to me. Yeah. Really? Yeah, disgusting. A man's spit. Good. Bressie. That's where you draw the line? All right. All right. No one saw that coming. I like that with a man's foot, by the way. A man has sandal. I'd rather suck a guy's dick than his toes. Yep. I remember I... Sorry, go ahead. No, I was just... I went to one of those massage parlors, and then 20 minutes in the massage I looked down and there was a dude's foot in women's flip-flops. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy. And he went, we were busy.

Is that good? So what happened? Did you leave the bar? All right. So I grabbed my friend. I was like, we got to get the fuck out of here. And we get out of that bar, and we walk back to America. The smell of tequila on your cock. It's like a Simon and Garfuckle song. And I was like, dude, you won't believe how I kind of tell her the whole story. And at this point,

I'm fucking hammered. Like, I'm brown. I'm not blackout, but I'm coming in and out. right? And so we get to our days in that we're staying in. And we got two beds. I lay in one. She lays in the other. And I like kind of fall asleep and I come two and she's on top of me. Whoa. And then I like kind of fall asleep again. You got raped twice?

Hold on. Technically three times. But then she's on top of me, right? And I come to again and she's like on my dick. And I'm like, oh shit. Like inside her? Inside. Inside. And I remember this moment. I remember being confused about what happened earlier.

I was like, that felt pretty awesome. But then also remembering, I hate what's going on right now. So you're gay. Right? You're so close because this is what I got. I look at her and I go, I think I'm gay. Oh, sorry. Thanks for ruining that.

Sorry. I just wanted to call you gay.