Tuesdays with Stories! - #547 Four Stories and Seven Years Ago

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Mark gets docked! Joe's speed gets clocked! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS - Support the show & get 25% off your Fitbod subscription at https://www.fitbod.me/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me And I can't choose what I want to see Hey! Nani Nani! Boy, I'm watching Shogun. I'm all into the Japan. HONK! Exactly. I love Shogun. I never saw a Shogun. Why did I say that? I don't know, I'm just into the Japan. Hong Kong. Exactly. I love show. God, I never saw a show. God, why did I say that?

I don't know. I'm just yes. And well, it's a, it's an Asian game of Thrones. Whoa. You forgot the cup. Oh, he'll be back. The Starbucks cup. Oh, you didn't mention that.

Yeah. The big cup. I got the big Starbucks Stanley cup. Chuck's going to get some ice water. I'm going ice water with the lid. You're going no lid, no ice. They hate that on the flight by the way. Huh? You know, they go, uh, you want to, you want to, the cart goes by, what do you want to water? I go, yeah, water. They go ice. I go, nah, they

go, damn really? Well, the ice takes up a lot of content, so they've got to pour more. But in Europe, of course, as you know, you can't get ice. That's true. Ice. They fucking smack in the face and call you a homo Yeah, they hate ice over there. So do the Mexicans We're off well. We just had quite a powwow. Oh Good pal well we had one of those ones I'm always suspicious of Chuck because he's like all right. Let's roll and he's like What are you guys deepest secrets?

And I just went off on a couple of things and that was deep state and we were rolling and so now I got a I got a Chuck's gonna be my best man at my second wedding well the good news is you got a good get him in the will the good news is it wasn't about us it was a ancillary or satellite story that's true that's true but it's scary that it's filming and that's why are you garbage those guys who shout out by the way H Foley I told you said one of the sweetest things about Tuesdays with stories Love the full check out mindful metal jacket episode my way of getting people to watch my stupid podcast But boy did he really open up about his love for Tuesdays with stories. Well, we got a good resume

It's like star rose gillis Foley the guy. I think Louie listened to five of them. And Kevin, Ryan, he loved it. Louie listened to it before we knew him, which is wild. That's insanity. I don't know if we can be overstated. We've mentioned it, we've alluded to it, but I met Louie and he was like, you do the podcast with Norman.

Woo! And I was like, yeah. And he was like, boy, you guys are amazing together. That's a great show. Oh, and that was when we had nothing going on. That's when we were really, well, he always had his tits to the no stone. Yes, yes, tits.

He knows what's going on, which is how you have to be, which I get mad at myself. I'm like, am I watching enough? But sometimes I'll dip into the cellar stand. You got to dip. I take a look, and it stinks. There's a lot of manure down there. but every now and then you see a little little gold nugget in the in the hills. Well I told you in Austin I went into Little Boy or Big

Man or Fat Ass whatever it's called. Yeah it's tough. Tiny Dick, Fat Ass. We should start a comedy club. Let's open a club and call it Tiny Dick and Fat Ass. Oh. I already know who I'm booking. I know the whole lineup. Well boy, but yeah, that'll be fun. So are we moving to Austin or what are we doing? No, it's a one trick pony. You're in, you're out. You can't eat ice cream every day. I always say like I went down there. We talked about it. Did five days. I was excited to get out. Yeah. You know, that mothership it's groundhog day over there. It's a hell of a club. Hell of a time. They got their infighting. They got their drama. You do the sixth street 20 times. You want to kill yourself. Yeah. You

got more options here. Maybe I'll go to New Jersey. I'm back to Jersey. All right. He's back to as long as you're not in Tacoma anymore. I like Tacoma. Well, you can't move to Tacoma. I can move to Tacoma. Hey, taco and ma. I never thought about that. Taco ma. Taco ma. I think they have a shirt.

This is like me when I came up with Missouri Loves Company and I was like, this is huge. And then I went to a store and the whole store was that. This T-shirt has a little taco and it says ma. And you go, taco ma. What the fuck's taco ma? There you go So but you're thinking in the right Direction, you know my million dollar t-shirt idea hit me. Well, I can't say it we talk

Oh, you've got an invention your buddy had an invention Don't you remember? No, you got mental problems. I'm on no sleep. I'm out of sleeping pills Jerry So I've been up all night. Thank you. What about Tylenol PM? I love to PM. I got to try it. I didn't have anything in the house. I'm taking all kinds of stuff. I'm taking birth control and Bluetooth, just trying anything to knock the brain out. Thank you. Yeah, it's tough. I had it last night too. Same thing. It's just you lay down and you go, Oh, I forgot to post a reel. Oh, I got to get the thing. I got to do the YouTube. I got to post a reel. Oh, I gotta get the thing. I gotta do the YouTube I gotta talk to Jason Katz. I gotta talk to Salak use. I gotta talk to Chuck. There's 48 camera people. Yes I can't keep track. I know we got quite an employee list, but Chuck had a good word ruminating

Ruminate you're ruminating and it's horrible for you and obsessing I gotta tell you I'm thinking about getting on narcotics because I'm a mental case I love narcotics I gotta tell you I'm thinking about getting on narcotics because I'm a mental case. I love narcotics I got some some problems that just it's the AA and therapy. They've pushed me so far I've come so far Jerry. Yeah, not so much. I got done with hypochondria I'm done with panic disorder. I'm done with gay sex, but I still got these Clicks and ticks that I think are neurological. Sure, narcotics, bring them on.

Yeah, I'll give you some side pieces or whatever. Oh, you got some stuff? Well, when I do, I'm saying. Oh, okay, okay. Crush them up and shove them in your ass. Well, I feel like the weirdo, because I go to clubs now, like you need anything, what do you want, a veggie tray,

you need a couple of beers, I go, bring on the Xanax, you know, give me an Oxycontin. I used to have a great Xanax prescription back in the day. Oh, those are the days. But I used to love to put a Xanax in a Jaeger bomb and just suck that back and let them do as they please. That's a real problem right there. That's an addict.

Well, I told you that was one of my party tricks, was taking Paxil and Xanax with alcohol. Because I would read the label and then down it with the alcohol and it would be like, ah, ha, ha, ha. Bill Paxil. By Bill Paxton, little not great. Yeah, well, he had a couple of good runs, though. Good films.

Some good films, but he, I think the films are great in spite of him often. Ooh. I really do. I think when you really watch closely, it's not great. Really? He's very generic honky to me. Yeah.

He's very just vanilla cracker. You watch A Simple Plan, you're like, he's getting outclassed by Billy Bob Thornton. Oh my god. That's a great movie. They don't make movies like that anymore, where it's just a good story, good plot, nobody explodes. There's no diversity. It's just in the snow and dead people.

I know, that's the thing, you want those movies, I miss those movies, a cop is gay and he's gotta kill his father, whatever. You know, Crash, remember that trash? That beat... Beat everything. Brokeback. Oh, is that right? It beat Brokeback and Oh, is that right? It beat Brokeback and that was a big to-do. I love Brokeback.

I think everyone knows my feelings on Brokeback. Great film. That's one of the greats all time. Ang Lee. Very Ang Lee. Yes, Shogun. But anyways, what the fuck were we talking about? We went all over, up, down, and side to side.

Bill Paxton, what were we talking about? We gotta go back from Bill. Medicine, Xanax. Yes, Bill Paxil. Yes. And fuck, I was gonna say something about meds, but I was on Paxil before years ago and you can't come. And I would try to tell women, I never realized,

it's sweet that women care about us coming. They take it personal. They do. It's beyond care, it's almost an insecurity they have. Because I would have to say to women, like, just a heads up, I've had 48 beers and 17 Paxos, and I'm not going to come. But blow me for a little while, and then you don't have to swallow jizz. It'd be nice.

Now, if I was a homo, and I hooked up with a man... That's a great children's book. If I was a homo. If I was a homo. I don't know if you can say homo anymore. I'm sorry everybody. I'm from the 90s. Yeah, it's fabulous. But if I was a, you know, one of them. Queer. I would, I think that's something different.

Oh yeah. Queer is like, you wear a wig, but you're weird. No, that's drag. I think it's anybody in the LGBTQ plus whatever. I'm not sure, because why is queer in there? It's a Q, yeah. Yeah, because queer, I think, is willing, I've looked this, I think we actually looked this up

in the, I think we're all in reruns. Queer-eye. But queer, I think, is willing to try things. I think queer means you like trans. No, it says lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people are all identified with the word queer. Oh, okay. Well, queer used to be mean. Now queer is up. Yeah. Then we don't usually go back and like the n-word is never going to come back.

No. But I don't understand. That sounded like the word queer. No. But if I were gay and I was hooking up with a guy and he said to me, hey, I'm on some drugs that don't allow me to cum, but I enjoy the sex, I'd be like, fantastic. I'll save a few calories. There you go. But I mean, women would get really bummed out and then they would just be sucking me off, jerking me off for like 45 minutes and I'm like, I'm telling you, I'm on narcotics.

Right, right. Yeah, it fucks with their head because, know guys all you hear is like he came in two seconds blue blue blue blue fucking amateur pussy ass bitch but if you don't come in two seconds they're way more angry well I did there's a bit and this story I did a couple bits from this one story when I was in Hartford Connecticut back in probably oh eight seven ish trying to think of what I didn't have a girlfriend yeah oh eight maybe zone I and I hooked up with this woman I've told Probably oh, eight, seven-ish. Woo-wee! Trying to think of one I didn't have a girlfriend. Yeah, oh, eight, maybe it was oh, nine.

And I hooked up with this woman, and I've told the story before, but it was at City Steam, and she was a real tough, firecracker, dark-haired lady. She was older than me, and she was like, you coming to my house? And then she was in like a Mustang doing 120, listening to, you're a crazy bitch,

but you fuck so good, you're on top of it. Oh, yeah. And she fucked me on top, and she was like, you fucking nerd, yeah, you're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good you're on top of it. Yeah. And she fucked me on top and she was like, you fucking nerd. Yeah, you like that? You little fucking nerd. And I was, it was hurtful. And then I was like, I can't come. I don't come.

And she's like, oh, you're going to fucking come. And then she was sucking me up and she's like, if you don't come, I'm going to be pissed. This is too much. It's a personal challenge. Then you get in your head about coming and then you can't do it. And now it's a, it's a vicious cycle. Exactly. in your head about coming and then you can't do it and now it's A it's a vicious cycle exactly and I never came that she drove me back angrily You're still listening to crazy bitch. Imagine we did that if every girl I didn't make come was uh, I

Killed myself by now. No, I've never made a girl come. I mean, I'm all I'd said it before I'm all vibrator take that vibrator do your thing. I'll be over here and let me know when you're finished. It's man's best friend. Fuck a canine. Get that vibrator in there because that thing. Oh, and I think a lot of guys are like, cause I've been trying to watch less porn. So I save it all up for the lady and I really ravished that whore. Yeah. And then, uh, I couldn't come for a while. I don't know why. And I was, I was losing my mind. I became crazy crazy and I was like maybe this is why a lot of guys think women are nuts Maybe they're not getting off right. I think I got something there So some guys are like my lady's got a vibrator. Can you believe that shit? I'm like you better be damn glad

She's got a vibrator. She would kill your ass. No, I love the vibrator and I love eating pussy But you go down there it takes 25 minutes you claw and then you don't know the part you don't know what's going on and a cock is just easier that's why I like blowing men because you just up and down up and down it's a blunt instrument like the clips all wonky wacky I know then you got to go hard then she's like fake me out a little bit I'm like fake you out so you got to pretend to lick parts and then pull back and then she gets all teased. I don't want to be teased. No teased my dick. No teas. I never got the teas. Get in there. Yeah. Golf teas. I don't get it. Gay nine.

I thought of that a while ago. Oh, I like that. Okay. Not. He's a gay nine. Matteo is pretty high. Well, he may be a 10. I don't know. Yeah. But any farts use the vibrator. There's no harmony. I like a dildo to get a dildo and a vibrator and don't care for as much feels a little primitive. I'm just yank. I'm just shoving some tube in there. I don't know. Well, you put your tube in a different spot. That's my job. I'll tube but you to one spot and you dildo the other spot. Now you got a whole threesome go. But stuff. Well, the mouse mouse and pussy. Fill them up. What you put a dildo in her mouth. I'm not saying

that's what I do. I'm just saying you could do that. Dildo, puss, dick, mouth, dick, but dildo pussy. You ever do the thing where this is getting graph, but till no pussy. Great linebacker for the bears. I thinko Pussy, I think he's Ukrainian. You ever do the thing where you go down on, this is getting graphic, but you go down on her hardcore, your face is all wet, then you make out. Oh my God, that's my number one favorite thing. Yeah, that's a hot one.

Are you kidding? It's the same right after they gargle your jizz and they make out with you and snowball you. That's the other one I love. What? Oh, yutchi, wutchi, hutchi. Cut that, take that out. Take that out.

I can't have that in there. That YouTube just kicked us out. We're on 4chan now. No, well we haven't made a dollar off YouTube. Can someone figure this out? Please. Come on, Chuck. We're denied, we have a YouTube contact.

We just don't have it, we're not in? Yeah, I got through to someone through the Patreon that's on the Patreon, really nice person, and they have a spouse that works at YouTube, and they said they had to... A spouse? We can't use a spouse. Well, they said we... We need a man. They reevaluated your content after Shelby disconnected the AdSense, which is not his fault. He didn't mean to do that. He just wanted to switch over. I bet he wrote him a mean note. No, no, no. He just, he just, he's just like, oh, I'm not going to, you not going to put it in your own pocket,

the money that's coming in. So he didn't have to send us money. But when we did that, it made us go back to unmonetized. So they had to re-review our content. Oh, bad review. And within the new YouTube thing, they're just like, this is too much. Well, I said cunt 38 minutes into a special,

and they demonetized. We're talking about eating dirty assholes. Yeah. Fucked up. Did you see a Fahim? No, I haven't seen. Oh, he's stuck at 70 views. It won't budge. 70. 70,000. Sorry, sorry. 70,000. But still, I mean, he hasn't even cracked a hundo and it's a killer special. Well, now I think things have changed. I'm a Louis Katz instead of million. Yeah, that's good. So that's something. But I don't know. I mean, is it because it's dirty or just too many? I think he said 10

minutes in something, something went down. So he's, he's in the dog house. No, he's the bet. By the way, a slew of specials just came out for him. For him, Dan St. Germain, Sean Donnelly, Greg Stone, Brian Simpson. Well, Brian Simpson. Attell is next week. Hannah Gatsby had a slew of stuff. Sam just shot his. There's like 20 this month, no joke. I just saw a list come out of all the specials

coming out this month, it's literally like 20. Wow. Well, they say they're doing one a week on Netflix, plus all the YouTube, plus the Hulu's and the Amazons and the Anels and the Queeffs. So it's adding up. Yeah, what the fuck do you do? I don't know. It's hard to stand out.

Soder had one. Oh, Soder's was just a couple of weeks ago. Killer. It feels like a month ago, but it was like two weeks ago. Yeah, a lot of sharing. Hey, can you share this? Can you share that? I know, it's a lot.

And then also we're talking to this guy, Danny Frankel, our boy at Punch Up, go hit Punch Up. And he's like, you got to make your insta. You can only have three instant stories a day. Otherwise no one looks at them. And then I got four people a day going, can you put this in your insta story? Good point. The fuck am I? Good point. It's not easy storybook. Enough's enough. But any far, by the way, Frankel was like, Norman's a, he's a piece of shit. He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. I'm an idiot. He's like, uh,'s selling out two beacons. He's like you should be doing three gardens. I don't know that's crazy Well, that's what he said. He said you're a moron and he doesn't care for you as a person. Thank you Frankl

I'll remember that I'm gonna make four stories on Instagram just to spite you four stories and seven years ago Yes, fathers came upon this nation to suck their own dick. Four floors of whores. By the way, my buddy's been there. Or my buddy's been to Thailand. He didn't go in there, of course. Oh, wow. Yeah. He's a married man. Whoopsie doodle. My buddy's been in that area. He walked by it. Wow. Do we need four? I mean, the ground floor, I'm good. You go in, you plow a couple of Thai women or blady boys. Do you need to go to the second floor? I don't know. Well, you got a lot of different whore.

I mean, what if it's fat, then skinny, then whatever. I imagine it gets skinnier because I've got to hit the stairs. Now let me ask you this. Your wife says to you, Mark, you've had a good run. I'm excited about all the money. Thanks for the house. What a time we're flipping in.

That's all I want every day. She says, why don't you go out, have yourself a nice time, I'm gonna fly you to Thailand with my money, go to four floors of whores and fuck yourself a bitch and come on back, I don't wanna hear about it, but have a good time. What is this, my wedding gift? This is great.

So she says that, what are you going to get are you getting skinny? Are you getting fat are you getting a kid you get an old lady? Asian black well, I think you gotta run the gambit you gotta get all the variety in no no no no you get one Oh, you get one you get one. That's the deal. Oh gee you get one boy or girl whatever well I think you spend a lot of money, which in Thailand you spend about $19 and you get the queen of Shiba. You go top shelf. So you gotta go top shelf.

You can go bang a lady Godiva up there. That's what I'm saying. So what's your, because I'm extremely attracted to my, I do a joke with them. My wife is exactly the kind of gal I want. How great is that? Petite blonde. Everything. I don't want to get too graphic here out of respect, but she's what I'm into.

Wheelchair. Yeah. Vagina dentata, the whole package. But you get a one freebie. Go have fun. I wouldn't go to Thailand. You go. No, you got to. Oh, OK. Well, for this four floors, the horse only have Thai women. Well, does Four Flows of Horses only have Thai women? No, I assume it's a variety over there. I guess you can go to any prostitution house.

I think they have DEI over there. You gotta get a little everything. Black, white, gay, men, women, lady, boy, handicapped, fat as shit. I bet fat over there is big. So what are you thinking? Because I want, I'm into what my wife is, and so anything different would be nice even if it looked similar. But then you're like, I only

get one. Maybe I want a fat black guy with a shaved head. No, girl, fuck. Well, the beauty is, the beauty is you think, you know, it's like a meal where you go, I'm fucking starving. I'm going to go to this restaurant. I'm going to order the duck, I'm getting the goose, I'm getting the chicken, I'm getting cake, I'm getting ice cream, and then you have two slices of pizza and you're like, I'm good. That's the thing about four floors of horrors. That's what I'm saying. You go in there, you're like, I'm putting all this in my ass.

And then you get one hand job and you're like, I gotta get back to the hotel. Of course. Well, once you come, every thought you've ever had just goes away Exactly the moment I come first of all I'm filled with gratitude Well sometimes shame depending on what happened to get me to go big shame. I'm an all shame all the time What is the shame? I don't get it. Shane Gillis. I think that's the Puritan Irish Biblical shit that's pumped right into our dickle. I think so It's I literally have missionary sex with my wife

and then right after I'm like, I'm sorry. I know, I know. It's bad. Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong, in the middle of it, I'm like, pretend you're sucking my father's ass. Sure. So that part's like, oh, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, but you gotta go, I always say when you're horny, you're like temporarily insane. You go crazy, you should be able to use that in court, by the way. Yeah. way yeah you said you'd give her a car well I was getting head I was you know I got a plead horny of course yeah I think that's a good point but yeah so I do think it's just gross you're both naked you're sweaty your little dick is shriveled now that she's got fucking

baby batter on her neck the whole whole thing is, it's naughty. So what are you going? Are you going blonde, skinny, fat? I think you gotta go, I gotta go full Thai, like all in. Get the chopsticks and the noodle. I mean, you gotta go Thai, baby. Thai one on. Thai goes to the runner.

Yes. Oh, Thai breaker. My foot, the thing burned off more yesterday. Oh, man. Killing me. It goes from mouth to foot to teeth. Like, I feel like you pick a part of your body and you're really fucking up.

Well, it's bad news. Bears over here, they're burning the shit out of this thing and the first couple days after the burn, it's bad. I got a third degree burn in my ass. Woo! Weird to go in and get a third degree. You paid for a third degree. I know, it almost feels sexual. I was saying that to Sarah. It's like. I got a third degree burn in my ass. Woo! Weird to go in and get a third degree. You paid for a third degree. I know. It almost feels sexual. I was saying that to Sarah. It's like S&M.

S&M? Yes. S&L. What is it called? Yeah. Yeah, S&M. S&M. Masochist. Because she's hot. I told you this doctor is gorgeous.

And she's just burning my foot and I'm like, oh, oh, oh. Right. Oh! Yeah. It's kind of, I wish I was into pain. I know. That must be nice. Those guys who like getting their balls stomped on or a stiletto up the ass I don't get it. Yeah, shove a nail through my dick. That would be fun, but I don't have a wife That's gonna ever beat my testicles in

Talking about yeah, well that's gotta be weird too when you get into a fistfight Let's say your wife throws a plate at you to hit your head. You're like, hey, that was hot do that again Will you it's gotta be kind of you're like, hey, that was hot. Do that again, will you? It's gotta be kind of convenient. Yeah, I guess so. Be nice. She steps on your foot, you're like, ooh, hello. Well, I got the big MILF thing going on.

This is not, I didn't know how into MILFs I was. She's pushing the baby carriage, holding the baby, she's crying, she's playing like, and then you got her fucking ankles over her shoulders. Whoa, and it's something naughty. They got the little baby in the next room, all is ready to party and you got her fucking ankles over her shoulders. Whoa, and it's something naughty. They got their little baby in the next room, all is ready to party. And you got, you taking his mom and really railing her. It's all I've ever wanted.

I didn't realize before. Well, I always say, you know, I liked to milk before because the essence of sex, this is what I've talked about before. And I've said it many times. The thing that's attractive about sex to me is that you're seeing this person in a totally different light. Yes, yes. That's why they're like a school teacher, it's

extra exciting. Sure. Or a librarian. They're just kind of like, oh hello, hi, I just, and then you're seeing them like, yeah that's right, you fucker, piece of shit, I'm a pig. That's interesting. It might be why women are less turned on all day long than men, because we're already talking about our dicks and fucking and oh, she's got a hot ass and we're a little more loosey goosey with the sexual talk, whereas women are a little more proper and concealed. I think so. I think that's right. And so then when you get a kid, it cranks up even more because they're so good to

your kid. You're like, oh, my God, this is so hot. Yeah, yeah. You know, it is hot too. And you're, I don't know if Sarah seems like a nice lady. She's a woman of the cloth, but my lady will be like, we can all, I fucking need it. I need to get blasted. I need to get railed. I need to get just Vince McMahon shit on my chest. Like you got to put my head through a wall. Yeah, no, I got a whole bit about this. I think she has that, but she doesn't vocalize.

She doesn't, uh, she's not a vocal person. So there's never like, it's all I do this in my act, but she's like, all right, no sex during the sex. She's hey, great. I'm coming. I don't want to get too crazy here. I think her brother listens to this, but you know, she's never like, go over here and fill me up you little pussy right I would like that Yeah, yeah, my gals almost too much of that. We're like, all right. All right. I'm gonna start crying too much Piece of shit, she's basically doing the pod call that a dick you fucking loser your mom's ugly. I'm like, all right All right, that's what I need in my life. That's it.

I can go over the line. All right. Well, I'd like to see you over the line. I'm not even close to a line. Yeah. Hey, what do you really need to work out? Your lucky sweatband? Your old college water bottle?

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camel toe so uh I Fly we're doing Tucson Friday Phoenix Saturday nice Nice, but I think we should have flip-flopped it It should have been Tucson Saturday because flying into Tucson is a real cum guzzler You got a connect as David says, the connecting flights tour. You know, you're gonna connect. So you gotta leave early, because it's West Coast and you lose hours.

Right. So getting to Tucson was a bitch, because I fucking, you know me, I'm a space cadet chooch. Yeah. Double middle seat. I fucked up. I don't understand. I didn't I don't get it. I got a guy who books my shit. I show up. I should fire him. I go, what are these seats? He was like, sorry, that was all they had. And I'm like, it's not all they

had because I'm looking at it. And I could have gotten another one, but you know. I mean, I'm not trying to be an ass here, but you're outrageously successful. You're no longer living a life of that's all they had. I will. You can get whatever you fucking want. He booked. That's the benefit of succeeding. I had faith in him. I didn't look.

I didn't check. Okay. All right. Keep going. Sorry. I'm going. I want to man. I think I want to be a manager. I talk to people and I think I can be a manager. I advocate for people, I see all the things. Because this is the thing, if you want to be a, once you're a comedian for 25 years, you know how to manage. That's true. I'll take over this poster? Yes, I'll sign it. OK, so double middle. So double middle, you fly to Atlanta Middle, you fly to Tucson from Atlanta Middle,

and you get the fat guys on both sides. I'm a fucking twink sandwich in the middle here. And title. Yeah, so I'm a twinkie. So brutal, brutal. And you try to nap, you don't nap, you finally get to Tucson, you go right to the hotel, you do a show, you're like, ugh, and you know, you try to nap, you don't nap, you finally get to Tucson, you go right to the hotel, you do a show, you're like, ugh, and you go, we had a couple

drinks, me and Caleb sign in, I go, I am going to bed, we're driving to Phoenix tomorrow, which is a treat. Yes. It's like an hour and a half ride, thank God, so that's something. I did this with Louis, we did Phoenix, Tucson, we drove, we had the time of our lives. It's a great time, it's a road runner country out there. Exactly. It's just a couple of cacti and some hill,

beep beep, brrrr. And you can really fly, you can do like a buck 10 out there. It's Arizona, they don't give a fuck. They're free, they're wild. So, you know, we do the show, show is great. Tucson, those little towns are hot, you know. I don't know if it's a little town, but you know, it's not Phoenix. You got the school there.

Well, I got a school. It's a college town. Ah. That's U of A. There you go. The Wildcats. Ah, yes. School shooting. Speed. So, I go, I'm going to bed tonight. Now I zip open my little travel bag. Dobkit, some people call it. Have you heard that? No. Oh, give that a go. I think that's a term. Dobkit. I don't know what it means. Might be military.

Sounds fun. So, I opened my little travel bag, got your toothbrush, your razor, your dental floss, your anal, whatever cream, and I go, you got it? Yeah, it's a Doppkit. D-O-P-P-Kit. O-P. Dopp. It says it originated in Germany when Charles Doppelt began producing a new type of toiletry bag in 1926.

There you go, Dopp-kid. How about that? Duggishain. Ah, all right. So I go, let me open my little sleeping pill and take a, I usually take a halfy. Tonight I'm taking a full because I want to get some fucking shut eye. I know the feeling. Yes.

So you're going to half in the bag. You're like, Oh, I'm going to have a nice drunk snooze, no pill. Fresh out. I know that feeling. It's the worst feeling. The worst. So you really get sad in there. You're licking the inside.

I put some water in the pill jar. Maybe I can shake some stuff out. You look like a real psycho. And I'm drunk. My dick's out. You end up rubbing one out. So I'm like, damn it. So I take a half an edible and then I go,

oh, I find a pill loose in my bag. And I go, hey, I'm back, baby. We're gonna sleep. Pop that pill, go to bed. It's like 1.32 in the morning. I wake up at about three. I'm racing. I'm racing I'm like whoa baby I'm on the wall I'm like holy shit I'm on the moon it was an Adderall oh no sleep needing sleep to supercharged I haven't taken an Adderall and who knows how long so it

fucking hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, boy, fucking Robin Williams doing a comedy special. I was like, hello. I was doing fucking shows in the bed. I had a spoon. I was dancing. I was painting. I had a glass of wine like a Frenchman. It was brutal.

I stayed up the whole night. Yeah, that's that's the worst feeling ever in the world, because it's the whole time your brain is going here because you're like this is the opposite of what I need exactly the opposite yes I've had it sans the Adderall since the baby's been born because you're like he's gonna wake up at 4 I know it I need this sleep I have to show I have to travel before you need it it's like everything in life when you try to float you sink we try to sink you float the boner the boner method you

were so worried about not getting one, you don't get one. Right, exactly. I had this one time with a Claritin much lesser degree, but Claritin D. That's got some amphetamine. Claritin D24. And it sent me on a fucking like two week long, what's it called, insomnia.

Yes. I was in Chicago at Zany's in the condo. I took a Claritin D24. I couldn't figure out why I was up all night. Yeah. And then even when I realized, oh, it's because the drugs, I still the next night, it was so jarring. Yes. I couldn't sleep for like a week and a half. Hear, hear. Now you're better now ish. No, it shuts you off course. You know, you're like a ship that just started going left.

And before you know it, you're like, oh, I'm in fucking Zimbabwe and I'm getting a spear thrown at me. Oh, geez. So, uh, you know, you got that thing too where you're like, OK, it's four. OK, it's five. OK, maybe if I go to bed now. OK, it's six. It's seven. Now, jeep, jeep, jeep. You hear the birds chirping.

You see that sun crack through the curtain. And you're like, god damn it. And you just can't fall asleep before you know it. 10 AM. Just been laying there, just like this, like I'll beat it. I'll beat the Adderall, I can sleep through it, nothing. So then you go downstairs, the sun is shining, everybody's having their coffee,

they're laughing with their eggs, and you just go, ah, you don't know what it's like. And then you get in the car and they're like, woo, boy, did I sleep like a baby, yee-haw. And you're like, you're cracked out, you're zombie, your head hurts, your ears are full, your nose is running, the worst feeling. It is the worst feeling,

and I've dealt with it a few times recently, and it is, it's that thing of like, let me count sheep. Okay, sometimes I'll be like this, I'm gonna play a baseball game in my head. And I'm like, here's the pitch. And then I'm like, it's the fourth inning, I'm still going.

Or count backwards from a thousand, all kinds of bullshit like that. It just doesn't work because there's another piece of your brain, this is why psychology is like so fascinating. There's a little piece of your brain doing the thing of like, not falling asleep. And then you feel like, have I ever fallen asleep? How do you fall asleep?

I can't remember. And the answer is you weren't thinking about it. You weren't thinking about it. And that's the essence of OCD and anxiety and panic disorders. Like you can't stop thinking about the thing. It's physically impossible to stop thinking. Try it right now. It's fucking horrible. You're thinking about not thinking. Right. And then we're thinking about how there's no one talking, how it's a show and you got to, you know, so it is brutal. And then you're like, okay. You think that's thinking, you better think again. That's what you're thinking.

So then you start going, okay, we have two shows tonight. They're sold out. We're at this fucking beautiful theater, and I'm on no sleep. I'm a shitty guy because I got to deliver. These people are tweeting at me, hey, you're excited for the show, and you're like, God, I just want to go to bed and curl up and shoot myself in the temple. Right. But you got to push through, and so I said, all God, I just want to go to bed and curl up and shoot myself at the temple. Right. But you got to push through.

And so I said, all right, fuck this. I'm not letting them win. I went to CVS when we got to Phoenix. I bought a bottle of NyQuil. OK. And I just chugged the fucking thing. Come on. I chugged half of it.

And I go, all right, that's it. I closed the curtain. I mean, it's like 1230 in the day. The sun is shining. It's Phoenix sun coming in at me, you know? And I'm just like, that's it. I'm not going to let this thing beat me. I'm going to push through. I chug half the bottle. I lay there. I fall asleep. Okay. I fall asleep for like eight minutes. I wake up. My stomach's going, because you can't just shove Nyquil up your ass and think you're going to be okay. No.

I shit out a black fudge that would have stopped a Flint, Michigan person. I mean it was horrific. Oh boy. And you know, so now you're like, ugh, you got that weird nap, you're shitting black foam. And that was it. I just, so I started drinking to kind of get right. Did two shows, we pulled it out and I'm sweating, my eyes are burning.

You got the, yeah, so how about Hunter Biden? Whatever, trying to do a Q&A, people were like talk about, and I'm like, yeah, that's crazy. What else you got? It was brutal, you do the meet and greet, people are looking at you, you're like, yeah, that's crazy. What else you got? It was brutal. You do the meet and greet, people are looking at you. You're like, eh, brutal. But we pushed through and this guy goes, hey, childhood friend goes, I'm coming to your show.

You need anything? I go, this is gonna sound weird. I haven't talked to you in 20 years. Could you bring a Xanax? He goes, I got you. Saw him backstage, we shook hands. He gives me the Xanax. I pop that puppy immediately when I get off stage, went to bed.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's, it's the worst feeling in the world when you can't sleep. But the thing to remember is that you can go, well, have I, what am I going to do, fall asleep on stage? Sure. You're like, I can get through this. And my therapist, our therapist helped me with this a long time ago because I was like,

I can't sleep, I'm losing my mind, I'm fucking crazy. And he's like, when's the last time you were just in an asylum because you couldn't sleep for a few days? What do you think is going to happen to you? You'll just be tired. Yeah, but it does, it sucks. And it's mentally draining. Like you go to weird places, you turn into a psycho. It sucks, but it helps to remind, like, because I'm like, I'm going to die. I can't sleep. I have a thing. I have a shot. But you're like, you can go a day without sleeping. And I think about this like when I was drinking, I would stay up till eight in the morning all the time. All the time. It wouldn't even, I wouldn't even think it like I'm like, and I've got through that. Yeah. Yeah. And then you start

thinking about guys who work in a mill or guys who who fly? Jets or whatever like people with real jobs. We're up there going. Hey, what's up with cereal? These guys are working cranks and levers. I got an oil rig. No, people tell me about five babies Child I'm like, yeah, like people have like a one-year-old two-year-old three-year-old and a five-year-old and then they roof houses Yes, yes, and then they roof houses. Yes. Yes. And then they come home and you're like, you get it. You're like, yeah, get drunk and beat the shit out of it. Who gives a fuck? Of course. What else can I do?

So lady, you're getting hit. But I have that last night. Sarah had spots. She did your show at Killed, by the way. Nice. She's very funny. Yes. So she came home at like one thirty. So I'm like sleeping in bed with the baby, but like she's not, so I know she's gonna come home at some moment. And so you're not quite sleeping.

Cause you're like, is that her? Is this her? You don't have the like lights off, everyone's home. We're good. So you're like half sleeping. So she gets home at 1 30. And then we're chatting about our day. And we're talking, Oh my God, he's so cute.

Buh, buh, buh. What'd you do? I did this. I fed him at this time. And then all of a sudden you're like, it's two. I'm like, I have a podcast tomorrow, I'm shooting a fucking film tomorrow, and then you're like, yeah, all right,

so I'll just do the podcast. I know. Like, what's gonna happen? You're gonna be podcasting, I'm like, ugh. Right, right. You get the energy up, you do it. That's true. It's not pleasant.

Yes. But whatever. And then I think when we had the baby, we didn't sleep for 29 hours. I know. And you just you just do it. You just do it. Yeah. And we're doing it right now. And nobody wants to hear about the bitching either. So I'm sorry for bitching. You know, you get in the car, you're like, I didn't sleep at all. They're like, oh, that sucks. So how about poor things? And you're like, oh, I wanted you guys to care a little bit. That's just I wouldn't care about, you know, you know how it goes.

Yeah, of course. But yeah, we're back, we did it, and now my equilibrium's off, my schedule's off, so I'm on no sleep again, but we're gonna be fine. We're gonna push through, I'm not gonna fall asleep and walk into a manhole. Yeah, you rely, you hang out, and then eventually, eventually you do fall asleep.

Eventually you do. Which is nice to know, and yeah, it's also hard just because our brains are so fucked because there's just so much information we're taking in all the time. Yeah. And you get attacked, oh I have the podcast tomorrow and you're trying to keep track of your schedule and all the shit and you're like, okay, we got a podcast at noon and I got that coming at two and then I got to do that and I might should have done that. And then for me, it's like all my shortcomings, I just circling through my head all day long.

Totally. Not to mention now, everyone has access to you. So people just write to you and you're like, boy, you didn't do this on the thing. You forgot to say this. What about this? Yeah, I know Jason Katz has texted me, I think about coming to LA.

Do you guys need a filmer for the Comedy Store? May 5th, by the way. Six? Fifth.th, by the way. Is it May 6th? Fifth. Fifth, yeah. May 5th. Comedy Store main room, LivePod 4 PM. But he's like, you need a guy? Oh, man, I did Sam's special.

Oh, man, it was so fun. And I'm just seeing these bubbles coming in. I'm like, get the fucking away from me. Stop texting me. I want to just throw your phone at your wife's face. But you know, you got to relax. Well, that's what's hard too. And you're like me, I think.

It's like you see those unread texts, and it's like a fucking flashing bulb of like 18. Sometimes someone will send me a screenshot. Someone recently sent me a screenshot. I'm not going to say who, because people are all up in arms about me mentioning this person. But they had 425 unread texts. That's kooky. Not emails. K emails. How do you live like that?

I get your son is drowning. I missed it. I'm like 425 and it's always awkward because you're like look at this thing. Yeah, I'm like I can't because I'm just noticing this thing. Of course that red circle with the number in it. It's too much. Insane to me. Insane. I don't know how people live like that. So I'll wrap this up with this. We do Phoenix, Killer, the second show is Lights Out, do a meet and greet, whatever. Now, tell me where you're at on this. You know I will.

You got the guys, the grips, the floor manager, whatever you call it in a theater. These people work there, the staff. Sure. Stage hands. Thank you. I stink, by the way. Sorry. I do too. Great. So does the pun. I notice you're sweating through the staff. The stagehands. Thank you. I stink by the way, sorry. I do too. Great. So does the pun. I notice you're sweating through the jacket. Am I? Yeah, it's not pretty. It's

hot as shit in here. It's very toasty. So, Ed, I'm sick, Jerry. I'm fiending. So the guy goes, hey, after we did all the shit, he was like, that was great, can we get a photo with all the group staff? And I go, yeah, sure go yeah sure with stagehands are all coming up on stage we get a big photo big theater and then he goes oh hold on you went over we got a doc yeah and I go well what are you talking about he goes oh yeah Union rules you know you went it's 1102 you got to end at 11 and I was like well I'm done. You want to take a photo. That took five minutes. And he's like, well, if you're on stage after 11, that's it. And I go, well, you asked to take a photo. We had to gather everybody up. That took eight minutes.

We could have been done. We would have out of here. And he's like, yeah, rules are rules. And I go, well, can you slip and slide a little bit? You can get me off the hook for old times sake? Yeah, and he's like, can't do it. Union, it's illegal. And I'm like, well, everything's illegal. We're all on drugs. I'm drinking and driving.

We're all illegal. That guy's illegal. What a great defense. Your Honor, I mean, I was on drugs at the time. Yeah, I drank and drove here. What are we talking about? Everything's illegal. And he was like, sorry. Just comes right out at the time. Yeah, I drank and drove here. What are we talking about? Everything's illegal. And he was like, sorry.

Just comes right out of the check. It's like 500 bucks. So you just lose $500 for doing this. I stood on the stage. Yeah, it's tough. It's funny because I have always been and always will be pro-union. I'm a union queef.

I'm a union queef. and I'm an old school Democrat. Western Union. Boy, we used to have something and they lost it with all the stuff about the genders and the business. Sure. Sure. The whole topic for another day. But I'll always stick with the union. Great song, union made, beautiful pun. You can't scare me me I'm sticking with the Union but you start doing these bigger shows Radio City and whatever and these people just shut you down they kick you out the beacon they're like get the fuck out of

here they're throwing out it's rude to you they want you out and it's kind of you're like this is insane it's wham-bam you feel like a lady you're like I just I sold this out we had a great. Everybody's laughing and now you're Charging me you're kicking me out the door. It's it's Yeah, you're like I'll fight for your right with everything I have but this is a little silly Frankly, yes, yes cooth, but we had this with on 4th of July Which is now available by the way on Amazon and iTunes and all the stuff I've got more and more people are of July, which is now available, by the way, on Amazon and iTunes and all the stuff. I've gotten more and more people are seeing it, which is so exciting.

You don't have to go to Louie's website anymore. You can go to all the places I just mentioned, wherever you watch movies. It could be like a swingers where it picks up later. Maybe. I hope so. People have been very kind. So thanks to everyone who watched it. Please remind.

We had a similar thing about this and maybe I told this story on here before, but it was sexy moment for our producer Brady, who's one of my favorite people ever, who makes comedy specials. He's done all Rogan's specials and that's where Louis met him. Ah! And he produced our movie. Brady Bunch.

But anyway, he was like a UFC guy and then a comedy special guy and then made our movie and he's the best. But anyways, we had a thing where, it's all union of course, and you have to take a lunch after a certain time. Yes. It was like, Hey, we have to have lunch at 12 PM. Whatever. We're out at 12 o'clock. Oh yeah. And so we're pushing it and pushing it. Cause if you go over, you got to pay everybody

time and a half for that half an hour union. And so we finished and then Louie was like, cut. What time is it? And we're like, we did it. We did it. Yeah. And all right, let's break for lunch. And there was one guy who was like, Hey, sorry. It's 1201. And it was like a standoff between like the crew and the producers. Yeah. And he was like, are you really going to do this? It's 1201. And half the crew was like, dude, come on. And he's like, I'm really going to do this? It's 1201. And half the crew was like, dude, come on. And he's like, I'm sorry. That's the rule. They stick to it.

And the other guy, it was funny because they're a union, but half the guys were like, come on, man. And then Louie was like, by the way, in a film, if you go overtime, you get 30 minutes. So Louie's like, well, if I'm paying for 30 minutes, we're using it. Yes. You're going to keep working for 30 minutes.

Good for him. So everyone's like, it was Yes. We're gonna keep working for 30 minutes. Good for him. So everyone's like, stop. It was hot and everyone's hungry is like, we can eat or you can work for another 30 minutes because we went 20 seconds over and whatever we'll pay the overage. And then our producer like was like, are we really doing this? Are you kidding? And then one of the union guys was like, this is not the nature of the law, the rule. Yes, the spirit of the law is to be like, Hey, what we can't have everyone working all day. We have unions and it changed the country. And it's we work nine to five and you can't have children doing slavery. It's it's the foundation of our nation is the union. But

you're like, what are we doing? We're 30 seconds over, and now everyone's going to, you need all this, what the fuck are we doing? What are we doing to ourselves? And we also had a debate, because we're like, I don't think we were 12 seconds or whatever it is. There's a couple different clocks in the room, so who the fuck knows? Right, but it was a real standoffy thing.

I love it. It was two sides just staring at each other, and eventually everyone just kind of went back to lunch but it does feel like you're like what happened did you pay it or did he get no no we called it you got away with it even yeah all right but it was legitimately like 22 seconds it's insane and the problem is it's so robotic they just go that's how it is and you go but that's silly come on and you wanted to take a photo and he go, that's how it is. And you go, but that's silly. Come on. And you wanted to take a photo and he's like, that's how this zero, we went from chummy arm around the neck. Hey, Phoenix. Yeah. To you're fucked. Right. And then just stone cold, nothing.

And you're like, can we be human beings about this? Like, nah, that's it. And you're like, damn, all right. Right. That's the hard part. But thank God for you, because I've done a few film projects that weren't union. And you're like, this is goofy. There's got to be a middle ground. And yeah, you know, also like so many great fucking things, especially with the movie, you're like, you make a commercial or anything. And every time they cut it from a minute to 30 seconds,

you're like, here's another $20,000. That's true. And you're like, that's another $20,000. That's true. And you're like, that's pretty good. That's true. There are upsides, but it's just when they turn that knife right into your cunt. Mostly upsides, all upsides. That part's annoying. Upside down.

Upside down. And people go, eh, it's $500. Look at this check. And you're like, I know, but just give me $500 right now. How does that feel? I hate when they do that. They go, ah, it's $500. What do you care?

And I'm like, okay, know, but just give me 500 bucks right now. How does that feel? I hate when they do that. They go, ah, it's 500 bucks. What do you care? And I'm like, okay, well, give it to me then. Well, again, by the way, somebody on your team should be on this. This is somebody else's fault. Why would you be conscious of this? Yes. The tour manager should be like, hey, Mark, just a heads up. We have to be out here in eight minutes. There's going to cost you money. But what about these come guzzlers who do the, like, with the posters at the Gramercy? They go, hey, it's 30% rake to the house with the posters.

Then you go, let me talk to them. We got rid of the 30%. Like, so what are these rules? Right. But that's not even union. That's not union. That's just whatever the fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chisllers, we call them in the business. But hey, we'll be back there. Now speaking of union jobs that I'm grateful exist, but not in this instance, but in general I am. I'm driving, Democrats, I'm driving. Everything's switched. It's really crazy. It's really flippy floppy. We were the police people.

Yes. And the no war and the free speech. All flippy floppy. I'm sticking with this side but boy they're trying hard to lose me but anyways we're driving it ain't easy but we're driving back Sarah and I went up for speaking to this double union story my uncle Doug shout out uncle Doug he's never gonna hear this but Dougie retired from the Stoughton Fire Department 34 years of service just a

few months after retiring from the Air Force 42 years of service. Just a few months after retiring from the Air Force, 42 years of service. That's something. That's lunch. And a plumber, which is also quite a service. Boy, he's got his hands on all these benefits. Lot of unions, lot of service. He's laying pipe. So yeah, in the Air Force for years, had a big retirement party, which, you ever have

this with your family? This is more of a Boston thing. They go, hey, Uncle Doug's retiring from the Air Force. We're having a party year round. It's May 8th. And I go, ah, nah, I'm in Royal Oak, Michigan. Okay, no big deal. Yeah. It turns out people flew in from Iraq. His son flew in to surprise him. He wore his dress blues and he gave a big speech. He's like crying. He's a man that's never shown emotion. He cried. He referenced everyone in the family, including me.

Oh. People, a thousand people there. They rented a hall. They presented him a flag. They sang America the Beautiful. And I'm over here at Dick's Joke Shop. Right. And I'm like, I would have fucking canceled you, idiots.

Wow. Nobody said anything. I mean, how old is this guy? I have fucking canceled you idiots. Wow. Nobody said anything. I mean, how old is this guy? I don't know, 60. Okay. Geez. I feel like he's getting out early. Well, when do you stop working?

Well, you can get out early. That's what's great about cops and firemen and military, that you can't have a 75-year-old guy flying airplanes. Oh, yeah. Well, they can run the country. Well, yeah, that's an easier job than a fireman. I guess so, yeah. But so, nobody told me. So this time, now he's retiring from the fire department. I guess so, yeah. But so nobody told me.

So this time now he's retiring from the fire department. I go, I don't come hell or high water. I'm going to this fucking party. You got that right. And to me, that's a bigger deal because I've I rode in the fire truck in the parade when I was a kid. You know what I mean? I'm like, to me, he's a fireman who's in the Air Force.

Yeah. So I thought this was going to be the big party. But then they're like, this is a small one. He already had the big party. Ah, jeez. So I'm like, whatever. So anyways, we drive up there. It's a fun party.

I get to see all these old firemen that I haven't seen in 20 years and family and everyone's just quite triggering because everyone you just want to get fucking hammered with everybody. Yeah. But do they do the Dalmatian? I think some people have Dalmatians. I miss the Dalmash. It's fun, but I think it's hard to maintain. We have a dog in the fucking firehouse. That's a little life. You throw the tennis ball, a bunch of guys cleaning the truck, blowing each other, making chili. I think the union won't allow you fucking 101.

Cruller DeVille. I think it's a yeah, I think some maybe have a dog, but neither one of these departments have a dog. All right. But it's also weird too, because my uncle's old. I went to see him and we brought the baby to the firehouse because he's taking a photo with every kid in the family, so it's tradition. What about the calendar? Is Doug in a calendar?

No, no calendar. They play a hockey game, cops and firemen, that's something. Hoses versus something. Noses? They go with the Jews. Hoses versus noses. It's hoes versus bros or something like that. Hose up, pimps down. I don't know. I can't remember. But anyways, you go there and then you meet a bunch of kids there. He's at the firehouse. I'm like, why are you retiring? What a fun job. And then you meet, everyone's 21 years old. It's a bunch of kids with pimples like,

oh, hi, Mr. Doug. Oh, wow. So you're like, yeah, you gotta get out of here. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah, you've outgrown. So anyways, we go to the party. We have a great time. You get to see everybody and it's fun.

And they give him a big framed ax and the whole thing. Hey, I love that. And my cousin makes the collage. And I got misty eye, cause it's the collage with all of us kids on the fire truck through the years And you realize like oh my god a lot when you get older you're like, here's your life Yeah, hook and ladder. Here's this kid when he was six now. He's 50. Here's this kid when he was three now

He's a woman whatever But anyway, so it's great party and then we're driving back, Sarah and I and the baby, they're in the back seat together and I'm up front jerking off and I go from Rhode Island to Connecticut. We just got off the gas station filled up with gas. I use the Shell gift card. They got out to Nationwide. What's it called? Live Nation. Thank you. Live Nation. Live Nation. Thank you, Live Nation. Make sure the light is on your side. So, I get back on the highway. Now, Sarah has a podcast

at 1pm. What time is it? It's about 11.15 or something like that. Alright. Or whatever. I don't know what time. Maybe it's 10.15. We left late because the baby was sleeping, so I'm like, I gotta get her home for a podcast, which is so funny because you're talking about all these jobs. I just left this guy who was an

Air Force fireman and I'm like, Sarah's going to talk about lady stuff for YouTube. Yeah, I do a microphone for an hour. So I'm bobbing and weaving and really flying and all of a sudden I just see lights go on, on a big silver SUV, but at the same time there was like an 18-wheeler pulling up, and this is an unmarked car with lights on. And so, and it started pulling out when I was like 800 yards back. That's the worst feeling.

So I thought this was an escort for this big, not an 18-wheeler, but a big fucking... Like a wide load. A wide load. I see. On my shoulder blades. Yes. So I thought, oh, this is the wide load escort. You know how they have an escort that drives in front and behind? I get one for my wife.

So I'm like, how about that? That's interesting. And then this guy just cruises up right on my tail. And they really touch your tits right there on the buttocks. Now this is an important time to mention I am a safe driver, you've driven with me. I'm very safe. I'm 10 and two fucking 74 mile an hour cruise control. I don't get pulled over, baby. No, you don't, cardigan.

So Sarah's going, nah, he's not pulling you over, it's for the truck, and I'm going, so I start to like pull over, and she's like, no, no, it's not pulling over. I'm like, okay, so maybe not. So I get back in the middle lane. He follows me in the middle lane. I'm like, I think I'm getting pulled over. She's like, I don't think so. Are we getting the woo woo woo? No woo woo. And no pull over you fucking piece of shit.

I've seen your act. You're a hack. Doesn't do any of that. It's just the lights. So finally I'm like, I think I'm getting pulled over. But I'm also, he has a camouflage baseball hat on the center console. It's unmarked car and no nothing. So I'm like, is this a trick? Is he gonna steal my baby and fuck me in the ass? Sure. No signage. No. A lot of antennas is usually the giveaway. No antenna. This is just a fully unmarked car. And I'm like, what if this is a scam? Right. A camouflage hat. I'm like, who has a camouflage baseball hat? And anybody can buy a light. I can buy a light on Amazon in six minutes. A beacon? Good theater.

Isn't that what that's called? The little red? Is that a beacon? I never do that. Oh yeah. It's a magnet. You toss it on there. That's more old school. We call them the rollers. They put on the rollers. Yeah. Shit. What? Rollers. No. Yeah. Sorry. Anyways, that's a line from Blues Brothers. I see. Anyways, uh, so he pulls me over. I pull over finally. The rumble strip. Oh yeah. We got the baby in the back. I pull over and it's very real being pulled. You're like, Oh, this is happening. Yeah. It's a whole thing. And so, you know, I grew up with cops and firemen. So I know the deal. I go, I go hazards.

I turn the car off. I put the key on the dashboard. Oh, the key dash. That's fair. I go, I go key on the dashboard. Cars off hazards on 10 and two. And I don't even get the license out yet because then it looks like you're fishing around. Because some people go, let me get my license and my glove.

But and I'm like, now you're reaching around. You're going in your pockets. Hands. No, good. And now this is going to be controversial, and I don't want it to be. So I want to just preface, people are going to get triggered by this.

OK, OK. Sensing a racial idea coming on. 100%. All right. So I understand the history of police and black people. Sure. It's complicated, and it's not always pretty. You got that right. So I understand the history of police and black people. Sure. It's complicated and it's not always pretty. You got that right.

It's often unpretty. Oh yeah. And you hear all these folks say, you don't understand what it's like to get pulled over as a black person, and I don't. But I wanna say this. I am also shitting my pants. Of course.

When I am pulled over by a police officer. Same. Probably a different way and there's much more history and all that stuff. Yes, yes. But it's not like a white person gets pulled over and they're like, woo, hey, what's up there, you fat ass? I'm also like, oh my God, this man can do anything he fucking wants. He can beat me and shoot me and tase me and then because of the union, just get away with I'm also like, oh my god, this man can do anything he fucking wants. Yes, yes.

He can beat me and shoot me and tase me and then because of the union, just get away with it. Right, union. So I'm like, I'm also like, so that's all I'm saying. You're not going to go, hey, you piggy bitch. Yeah, I'm not trying to say anything except I am also terrified of the police in an instant where I'm getting pulled over. You don't want to go to jail and he might have seen your act. Now that being said, I understand as a white man I'm more I'm

much more apt to call the police, grab a cop and go hey mister! Sure. As opposed to black person might be like I ain't calling the cops on nothing cuz they'll shoot me. Yeah and I'm sure he's a honky as well. Oh, yeah. Fellow honk. Big time. Big honk. I'll give you a horny. So he comes up and nowadays when I was a kid, they came up to the driver's side because you had to crank the window down. Yes. Yes. But they kept getting hit by cars. I got a bit about that in my first album. So he comes to this side because you got the automatic phone, whatever the fuck, rolled down the window. Yes. Yes. And he comes up, I'm terrified, and first off I'm like, sorry, I didn't realize you were pulling me over,

I thought you were with the truck. And he just goes, yeah, no. Yeah. And I'm like, I shouldn't have said that, I'm an idiot. I'm all 10 and two. But I feel like with the baby, the wife, the car seat, you look like an upstanding citizen. The glasses, the hair.

And I am that. Yes, and you're sober. I'm sober and I You know, I'm a blue-collar guy. There you go. You just came from a fucking firehouse That's what I wanted to say and I have a PBA car. Oh good beer, which I thought about Busting it out. You got a bust. Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna be like Buscemi and Fargo. He's like, what's that, sir? Yeah, you take care of this here in Brainerd. So I'm going to be like Buscemi in Fargo. And he's like, what's that, sir? Yeah, yeah. Thought we could take care of this here in Brainerd. So I'm like...

It's like Kramer, what the Kramer says, discount. What the fuck does that mean? Kramer. Yeah. I'm mentioning his name. And then I got Tuesday, Dave Stewart, who's a mass state trooper. And he thought about being like, well, I'm just driving home from my uncle's retirement party, saw our old trooper Stuart up there, but I would like to be treated the way everyone else has traded,

you know, the people. So he says, uh, Hey sir, I got you doing 84 to 65. That's almost 20 over. Yeah, that's not pretty. And I go, Oh Jesus. Uh, yeah. And he goes, let me get your license. And they don't ask the registration anymore. I think it's all computers. I don't have it. So I go, there's my license. And he goes, I'll get you out of here. And this is, I don't know if this is white or just the face and the baby or what, but he goes, what are you heading home? Cause I had the mass I have a Massachusetts license, New York plates. Got it. He goes, what are you heading home? I go, yeah, heading home. And he goes, all right, I'll get you out of here quick. Okay. I go, great. So he goes back there. Now this is? I go, yeah, heading home. And he goes, all right, I'll get you out of here quick. OK.

I go, great. So he goes back there. Now this is the moment you're like, have I paid all my tickets? Has he seen my search history? Am I going to get shot? Oh my god, the Herpes, the Louis movie. Who knows?

So Rotten Tomatoes score. He could throw me right in the clink. Yeah, that's worth some jail time alone. So I'm sitting there, and Sarah and the baby are back there. And now that I've met him, it seems OK. I'm just kind of chilling. And he comes back and he goes, all right, well, here's the ticket.

He goes, I put you down for $75. He's like, I had you at $84. Much cheaper ticket. And I just want to get you out of here. And he goes, you can pay it. You can fight it. You can plead innocent. Or he's like, oh, you can just pay it here.

And I said, I'll pay it right away, sir I apologize and he goes alright. Well the license in the envelope and I said, hey, thank you for your service. I appreciate you. Hey Well, you comply I did I comply and I blow his name was McElroy and I wanted to be like, hello My favorite my my fellow small dick New Englander Irish curse McElroy. I like that. Yeah, so said alright have a good one I said you too sir I went home just went right online pay that ticket. You gotta knock it out. It's not pretty by the way. 3? 228. But it would have been three whatever. You got that right Mackleroy not a baby. But boy was I happy to be a good old-fashioned white with glasses. Yeah, Cracker Barrel.

He knocked some ticket right off and I still kind of think like, should I call a couple favors in? Because I got some pretty high up firemen, military cop buddies. Sure. I was going to ask why you didn't use your PBA card that was sent to us by the cop. Well, that's what I said. I had it, but it just feels too... But you can't bring this up to Dougie Fresh because he's going to go, Oh, you didn't call me a

chooch McElroy. Fuck me the ass at 88. I went to his bachelor party. We, we railed a donkey. I know that guy. I know. But the thing is I try a break in the law of driving too fast. I have the money and you save those favors. Yeah, you got that right. Because who knows, I might kill a gay hobo at some point if I see one. Yeah, I'm willing, yeah. And...

And 220 you can afford it, and you were speeding. So I think this is a fair exchange. You broke the law, you got a ticket, it was quick, it was painless, you pay it, you're good to go. And he hooked me up, by the way, one time, I don't wanna say who, just in case they get in trouble, although they are retired now, so it doesn't matter. But one time I got a U-turn, I did a legal U-turn,

had to go and see the court, whatever, and they were like, just file an innocent, and you go to see a guy, and I had the old uncle in the back with his uniform on, He just stood there. The guy was like, all right, well, I'll be careful in the future. And you're like, I will do. Thank you. Yeah. But good on you for paying it a toot sweet. Cause that was a real lesson as a kid, 16 years old driving dad's car, got a parking ticket. My dad's like 25 bucks. This is, you know, the nineties, 25 bucks. You gotta pay it. I was like, I'll pay it.

I'll pay it. He goes, all right. It it doubles if you don't pay it in a month. Of course, didn't pay it, 50 bucks. For a 60 year old kid, 50 bucks is a lot of scratch. Of course. And it went up to like 150, because I just kept forgetting and boy, I learned my lesson. Yeah, you gotta just knock it out. But it was really something.

Then it's hard because you're like, you wanna be like, hey, I'm driving like that to get you home for your podcast. So how about a little handy on the ride? Little roadhead. You got something. Yeah. Well, did you make it? Because now you got to go 14 miles an hour. She did make it. Well, I did have that thought because well, by the way,

this is the other thing. And I had a joke about this, too. It's easier to speed now because the cars are so much better. I know they're quiet. Exactly. I had a bit about this. Like I'm used to driving a car that shakes when you get to 65. Right. Like now you drive a car, 85 doesn't feel like anything. No, it went from Michael J. Fox to Fonzie.

Exactly. When I was driving in my 87 Buick Century, it would literally be like, and you're like, jeez, I got to slow down. Oh, yeah, you felt it and the shit was shaking. But now a car can do 90 and you're not really feeling it. And that's kind of how fast people are driving. Oh, yes, yes. And I do. And these roads are smooth out there in New England.

I do think we should up the speed limit a little because the cars are better. Let's get it up there. Many places have, but 95 in Connecticut is still a two lane winding. It's a little dangerous. OK. And but like is out in Arizona. It is like you'll have like an 85 mile an hour speed limit.

You got that. We're doing 93. Right. But it is hard because I'm like, if you drive 65 miles an hour on the highway, people will fucking throw shit. Oh, yeah. You're a you're a slow bitch. Yeah, they'll be they'll be, you know, throw and come in your face. Oh, yeah. They're a, you're a slow bitch. Yeah. They'll be, they'll be, you know, throw and come in your face. Oh yeah. They will flash the lights. They'll do the toot. They get right up on your bump. It's pretty intimidating. Yeah. So anyways, I got the ticket and uh, that's it. There you go. Paid it. At least you can pay that shit online. You used to

have to get a stamp, put it in the envelope, go blow your guy or the whole thing. Yeah, I feel like he pulled up like it's meaning a quota. They gotta get a quota. He's like good enough He's going fast enough and they're just like that right get the fuck out of here Yeah, I was right. He's gonna hold you got a baby back here. You know the baby the whole thing Where you got on the baby on board? I never got that like I wasn't gonna hit you or I was gonna hit you I see the baby on board now. I'm gonna take easy on you. Yeah, I don't really get it But I think maybe the baby on board is to signify that's why I'm driving slow. Oh I drive slow cuz the baby but even that it's like What are you gonna do dry? I drove 66 and I had a baby. So that way when the truck hit me

Here the baby was fine. Exactly fine exactly yeah maybe it's a psychological thing like you absorb it and you don't even know it but subconsciously you're like a little safer you know that it's weird how the mind works you know in a high school if the kids wear uniforms fighting goes down 40% is that right yeah yeah there's weird little you know it's a it it keeps you in line does the fucking go down probably I bet it goes down. Well, maybe the fighting goes down because you're in a shirt. You're wearing an Iron Maiden shirt and this guy's wearing a Biggie Small. You like Iron Maiden? Yes. Individual. Yeah.

What do you got? You're wearing a hip hop shirt. You piece of shit. Right. Maybe. Maybe if we could only get our skin the same color. Plus the that would be ideal. Plus the gang colors. Ah the red the blue. You're wearing red. We're supposed to be blue. Crips and Bloods. Oh boy bleep that. Uh oh. All right but yeah so maybe with the baby on board it it hits the subconch. Where are we at? Oh okay yeah we gotta wrap up because I'm we gotta we gotta do a bonus and I'm shooting a film right here in the Tuesday Studios. Yeah boy you're like Polanski. You're always shooting. I'm, I got to, we got to do a bonus and I'm shooting a film right here in the Tuesday studios. Yeah, boy, you're like Polanski. You're always shooting.

I'm shooting heroin if I have my way. We got some fun people showing up and oh, I stink. Yeah, I don't. Shit. I'm wearing the coat to cover the stink. That's what homeless people do. Call me a hobo Charlie cause this is not pretty. No, this is bad. Now, I have a friend who will once again remain nameless. Please. But she claims she's never worn deodorant.

And so as a result, she doesn't stink. I've heard this from people. This is a thing. They they your body never got stinky because it never was covered up or something weird. It's like a cycle to it. Doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Chuck's saying, no, it doesn't make any sense to me, but now I will say I got my schnoz right in there and it was like a daisy. There you go. Well, it's kind of like Purell. You start using Purell, then you need Purell. So I never use Purell. I don't either. I don't trust it. I don't wash my hands either.

I do a meet-and-greet. I shake 900 hands. I finger my wife. I wipe my ass and I sniff my shit. I'm alright. I'm the same way. Never get sick. Yeah, you get sick all the time actually. I don't get any sleep. I mean you also talk about how you got COVID six times. Three. So. But yeah, I did the road. But yeah, I mean, I'm the same way. And it's just never on my mind. Which by the way, people think I'm the complete reverse.

People are like, this germaphobe maniac. I'm like, I haven't washed my hands since 1988. I don't even know how to do it. What's the Comedy Store date? You said you were sick earlier today. No, I'm no sleep You said sick. Did I say sick? You did you said you were sick? Oh You're dead dancing

Fifth right. Yeah, I think it's the fifth Lot you're gonna love it. We got insane lineup, too We got a big guy and a little girl. Yeah. Yeah. And another guy. We're going to get another guy in there. Let's get another guy. You can't have two girls. That's for sure. I don't have a cup. I'm trying to get laughs here. Um, but, and then may 2nd, of course the Thursday I am at the Regent theater. That's going to be hot. Especially I got two girls on that show. And bonus bonus bonus and checks rolling his eyes. I don't even know what that means. What is that? I got my show as well.

I have to do with that. I'm at the Multibon theater in LA. But I'm also going to Indianapolis Pittsburgh improv this weekend and nice. That's a fine metal jacket. I got a bunch of stuff on YouTube. Of course. I don't know. Punch up live. Go to punch up live.com. The link is in the yeah, I texted you back. No, you didn't. Did I not hit send? No, I guess not. I was like, all right. I'm sure it was fine. I was wondering why you didn't write back. I've had this twice. I got baby brain now. with you. Yeah. Yeah It's an epidemic deal. No big deal. I'm having so many baby, but I'm leaving without my keys I'm not hitting send on texts foggy

It's the worst it's happened twice because you guys are both good at writing back and so both times I was like what happened there Having a baby sucks. I'm all over the road as well Signed, sealed, delivered. Headed a baby sucks. I'm all over the road as well. Tennessee, I can't move a goddamn ticket to save my dick. So come on out in Tennessee, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Memphis, the whole thing, Little Rock, Albuquerque, we're all over God's green earth. MarkNormanCombi.com, go to Punch Up, I'll have a story up about it.

And yeah, we'll see you in LA. Chuck. Hey, check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, funbearablepod.com. I'm not sure what's up this week but we're having some fun stuff. Doug Key is going to be on for our live show which is going to come out really soon on our feed. And Joy wanted to say the PBA card thing. I went out to dinner with a New York cop and I asked her I'm like hey I got a PBA card I'm really uncomfortable with actually pulling it out when I get stopped. What do you think about it? She goes happens constantly don't feel weird about it. Just hand it over with your license. It happens all the time

Damn, so I was like, okay. Well, I still though it feels weird to be like I can drive this fast. That's that's what I said to her. She goes no. She's like, it's totally normal She's like just hand it with your license. Don't even say anything about it. Feels like you're greasing them. Like, here you go between us. I had the exact same feelings and she told me it was totally cool. Well, I'm saying, buddy. Okay, I think you're good. All right, next time. Well, I've had it happened once in 25 years. So we'll see. All right. Be nice. Clean it up. Praise Allah. Thank you, gang.