Tuesdays with Stories! - #548 You Down with P.O.P.?

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

Joe makes progress as a human being, Mark goes to the Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire premiere, Joe goes to Raleigh, and Mark gets annihilated on Protect Our Parks. Finally, Joe gets sidled and Mark gets doored!Our Stuff:- patreon.com/tuesdays- youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories- Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list- Support the show and get 20% off your 1 st Liquid IV order at https://www.liquidIV.com, promo code TUESDAYS - Get 20% off your Raycon order and free shipping athttps://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com with promo code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what to say. Wow! Hey, Nanny Nanny. What's shaking, fatty? We're here. We're queer. You know. Give me a beer. We're still doing it, baby Still gay after all these queers. Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you the last step

I read the comments people were loving that last one. Is that right? Not the live But after that it was it was a good one. Well the live We got to stop doing it. We got to quit. We're gonna live except for Comedy store. Yeah Fit that's gonna be one huge guests West Coast will disappoint the West Coast too now Yeah, that's gonna be huge, but I think the West New York we over stayed our welcome Yes, but this one now we have real guests. We had Bobby Kelly them. They hate us. But this one, now we have real guests. We had Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton. Oh, well, Hacks, old over the hill. Who? Youngblood. Never heard of him.

This time we got Tim Dillon. By the way, Feehan already revealed it. So Tim Dillon, we got on the pod. Thanks, Feehan. Hopefully he doesn't die or bail. He's a bailer. Norman Bailer. But I think he likes us. He hasn't seen us in a long time. We're the old buddies. True. And it's his town.

How far can he go? I mean, Dairy Queen's a block away. We can go scoop him up. I think he was supposed to do the Patrice benefit in Bale. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, but that's a cross-country flight. I mean, he could fly private if he wanted, but- Hey, Bale.

Still, he'll be there. All right. I got a feeling he'll be there. George Baylor. And Fian, and maybe we'll take a swing at some other big people. Big swings and Fiehan, you better take those fucking shoes off, you whore. I want to see those hoofs. Put those toes on the table, maybe an ass cheek, a lower back, a neck.

Get a pedicure, because it was last I saw a photo recently, it was a couple of slave feet. Did you see the feet on the intern at Legion of Skanks? No, I'm not on the newsletter. I did an episode and this fella, great guy, nice guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no. And he had dumb and dumber toes.

Oh, he had the talons? Oh yeah, yellow, green, brown, and I feel bad saying it, but it's on the air. I mean, it went out. So it's not like I'm telling secrets out of school. But yeah, we got to use FIHA. If you could really sex it up on there to get the views up because these live apps, they hate us. Yes, yes. But I think at the store we'll be reinviged. You know, vigor please, we'll really bring it, it'll be a different vibe, it's in the middle of the day,

you'll have energy. I can't wait. No baby around, no wives, no gays, good times. My baby wife will be in LA though. All right, but not at the club. Not at the club, never at the club, but also here's the, I'm gonna give you a little behind the Seal behind the curtain here comes the curtain

I'm pulling it pay no attention the man behind the curtain our plan Was to do like a 30 minute regular episode, right? And then bring out the guests and we're pussies because Norton shows up. He's a legend. We love Norton He's over there, and... They're pacing. As soon as we start, we're doing 30 minutes, we look over, you see Norton in the wings like this, and you just went, oh, Norton! So, this one, Tim Dillon can suck my dick.

He will. Feehand can blow me. I'd like to watch. And just, we'll just do 30 minutes a pod. There you go. And we'll bring out these sons of onions. Yes, I like it. Let's do it.

It's going to be a hum ding. I assume it's sold out already. It's like a 150 seat club. Isn't it? No, this is the main room, baby. 450. We're doing the main room. Yeah. I thought we were doing the belly tits or whatever. this is the main room baby. 450. We're doing the main room. Yeah, but that was doing the belly tits or

whatever. This is the big cheese. We're going full taint full sack full nip. Okay, well Los Angeles main room 4P be there. I can't wait. Oh yeah, that's a big week. I mean, uh May 2nd. I'm at the Regent Theater and uh tickets are selling. I keep I keep saying oh we're not going to sell it because the big show. There you go. And the 4 p.m. you can't go, I'm going to see Patrice O'Neill at the Hollywood Bowl or whatever. He liked a burrito bowl. But you got to come by. It's going to be it's the middle of the day. So what are you doing? I can't wait. They offered me the Irvine Improv Friday, Saturday. I got to accept. I love that improv.

Great club. But then I'm like, I rented a house in the Hollywood Hills. My friends are all gonna be there I can't just take off the Irvine. It's like a four-hour ride. No, it's like two hours I think it's an hour ten but traffic you gotta leave it to that's like Derek and Erica and Karen and the baby I'm just gonna be like, all right, take care guys. I'm leaving at two. Can you bring them the whole game a party? That's not bad. I rented a house. I bought a house Beautiful house. You gotta come over. It's gonna be party central over there. I might have fucked you here I told Salak you as Joe's getting a house pop over so you might have a full Kramer entrance

Well, I told I saw him the other night PS 109 best show in the city sold out best one we've ever done the other night PS 109 best show in the city sold out best one we've ever done Wow crowd wise I don't the show has been better sure well you've had everybody even Louie TJ Miller the other guy Greg Fitzsimmons whoa Louis CK Soder Ari yeah Stavros once I don't know if Stavros has done it actually didn't he do it with the honest? It was a Greek week Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, that was a big one but anyways, I saw Salchus and he was like I'm gonna be in LA and I was like I rented a big house and he did like the

Yeah, like a eyebrow thing and I was like it's booked Jerry Which I felt good. I'm gonna cut I'm growing as a human. I was like you're out. Oh, I'm sorry I'm like come on take a photo and wear the shirt and start a convo Can he sit by the pool at least no pool? All right, no pool Well, maybe I'll have them, you know snap some photos of the baby, but come by and hang but we got a full house over There. All right decent TV show. We got three couples. That's true one cuckold decent TV show. We got three couples. That's true. One cuckled. All right. Well, three is company, but I don't know. It's kind of nice having the cues around. He can cook and, you know, he's shirtless walking around eating almonds. I got to tell you, the

proudest moment of my life. And I mean, no disrespect to the fella and we don't have to say his name, but when we were at, we did the live app and there was the one guy that was like, I live in your town. I'll give you a ride. And I was like, nah, it's okay. Yeah, I don't think so. I peeked, I told my therapist, my therapist was like, I'm so proud of you, we hugged. Good for you.

Because I love the guy, nice guy. I see Chuck squirming, but it's the end of the day, long day, long night. You just feel like putting those AirPods in and shutting down. Yeah. And in my old life, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, come. Fuck my wife in front of me.

Yes, yes. That's how we met. I've really grown. And I was like, nah, that's OK. I'll just get the car. See, I'm still, I think it's a baby. The baby flipped you over into the other world. We've lost you.

You're on the other side now. I'm still in come guzzling world. I'm flipped all over. I got a Trump 2028 Oh, I'm flipped. I'm still in cum guzzling world. I'm flipped all over. I got a Trump 2028 on my back tattooed. I'm a totally different guy. That's two terms. Holy hell. All right.

Well, yeah, I'm jealous. Take me with you. Just do it. I can't. I do it all the time. Hey, we did the show. You want me to drive back to the hotel? And I want to just do that.

I like a 20-minute walk. You know, you check your GPS. You got a pod cooking. I like the walk, but I always take the ride because I can't say no. It's killing you. It's not good for you. This is the worst thing. Everyone's like, Mark's autistic, he's alcoholic, he's a drug addict. I think you're none of those things. I think you just can't say no. I can't say no. If I was a woman, I would fuck every twink incel fat fuck on the planet cuz I would just say yes Yeah, you gotta you gotta go. Yeah, don't worry cuz I think you're all worried about hurting someone's feelings

Yeah, well, it's just so rude when they offer because they want to hang That's really what it comes down to they want to keep going with you and keep chatting. Where's the rude commit? What do you mean? You said it's so rude. Well Well it's so rude because they want to hang and then you go I don't want to hang with you. That's not rude. That's rude. That's not rude at all. Rude would be like if you said... Hurtful is the word. No that's your problem. You think you're gonna hurt everyone's feelings. Yes. Where are your feelings? Those are gone in the 80s. You got to set some boundaries, have your own feelings. You're doing things you don't want. Where are you in any of this? I'm out Jerry. Not rude. Not rude would be like, I would never hang out with you, you fat fuck. It's not rude to say,

I don't feel like hanging out right now. I got to do some stuff. But aren't you implying I don't want to hang out with you, you fat fuck, by saying I'd rather walk? Yeah, that's not rude though. Okay. So you got to just hang out with with anybody everybody. That's crazy. It's rude to you. So how I got married But Making a room too awkward of a silence. I should have said something quick. Yeah, it's like that's hilarious That was like the incident in the plane when we both looked out the window Yeah, so What's been a hell of a view going? I don't want to be coarse or crass.

Sure. Must have been a nice view. That's right. Right before, you're like, how about this? Look at that, it's fucking Battery Park. I can see Union Square. Look at that. Henry, hey. Yeah, you probably could have high-fived that Statue of Liberty cunt. That must have been really something. Anyways, I know we got a lot of stories we should.

Well, I've been all over. We took a, we, I haven't seen you in six months and, uh, I mean, geez, we're first of all, I went to the ghost busters premiere. Ghost busters premiere. Well, I can't say no. Who the hell are you? Ronnie Chang hit me up. Yeah. This was, I thought it was Shang Wang. That's why I answered. But, uh, Ronnie Chang hit me up. Well, I love, I love Ronnie. He's a good egg. One of the best guys ever. Peach, peach of a man. He's lunch. And he hit me up and he goes, Hey, uh, I'm throwing it out there. You want to go see the Ghostbusters premiere. I'm in the movie and I'm sitting next to the queues and I go, ah, I got spots. That feels like a whole lot of hoopla. I don't like hoopla.

You know, I wanna get in, see the movie and get out. I'm not a hoopla guy. This is red carpet, paparazzi. I'm not even in the movie. I'm not famous. I'm nobody. He's in. I'm out.

Okay. So I go, ah, I'm good. I think I'm good. And Salacuse goes, are you kidding? Bill Murray's in the movie. And I'm like, I do love Bill Murray as my childhood hero. Plus it's rude to not go. Plus it's rude. I don't want to call him a fat piece of shit. So I was like, I do want to meet Bill Murray. But then I'm

like, why would I meet Bill Murray? It's not like we're going to a party, a casting party. It's a movie theater. They play the movie. And he's like, you say no to stuff like this, you miss huge opportunity. You never know where your life would go. What if you said no to this? So he's like, you say no to stuff like this, you miss huge opportunity, you never know where your life would go. What if you said no to this? So he's in my head. Salacuse is, he's the devil. The devil. I'm the angel. He's the devil. He's Beelzebub. Oh my God. That's horrible. All right. You're growing and he's pulling you back. Yeah. Well, he's a puller. He's an enabler. He pulls me back in. And it sounds like Mr. Cuse wants to go out there. He wants to put on a trench coat and a hat

and come and shoot the business. Uh-huh. I think he got something, little rascal style. You think you're gonna stay in my house? You got nothing coming. So I go, all right, fuck it, I'm gonna live. Cause there are times where you go, I don't wanna do that. And then you do it and you go, boy, I'm so glad I did it.

So I'm thinking it's maybe it's one of these times. So I text back, I would love to meanwhile I talked to six guys at the cellar and they go oh he asked me first I said no so I was 13th on the list but I'll take that's not bad lucky 13 so I get all dolled up I put on some slacks a button down a nice jacket I show up and Ronnie's like hey I'll meet you on the corner of this that this cameras everywhere red carpet all these people. And he goes, let's hide away from that.

And he's in a t-shirt and jeans. And I go, what are you doing? He goes, I just want to see the movie. He's like Kramer. Yeah! And I'm like, what the hell am I wearing? I got spots later. I look like a fucking Bible salesman. So I'm like, what the hell is this? He goes, goes yeah what are you doing? We're just gonna watch a movie. I'm like I thought this was a an event it's Lincoln Center it's Times Square it's the big deal. So not an event? No it's an event but not for him so we sneak in the back door. Oh boy. He gets me a free I see that was something. That's cool. We sit there the movie's an hour late there's

all this bullshit Jason Reitman does a speech, that was kinda cool. He bombs. Reitman. At the end, he bombs so bad he goes, who you gonna call? And everybody went, Ghostbusters. It was really cringy. And I felt bad for the guy. And he walked by and Ronnie went, hey Ronnie.

So that was kinda cool. How was the picture? Well, we got to the previews about 48 minutes and I had to leave Well, that's a little rude. I didn't see a minute of it Of the movie Wow Damn, I'm interested in the movie because I haven't watched the Ghostbusters since 1984 I'm not a huge Ghostbusters guy, but then sometimes, you know, you try to open up your lid You'd open your world you pull the curtain. I'm like, maybe this would be fun. That's why I opened

I was my lid, I wanted the lid. So I get in there and I'm like, by the way, Ghostbusters is kid's shit now. Like, I love 1984 Ghostbusters, one of my favorite movies, Bill Murray, the whole thing, Dan Aykroyd, but there's blowjob jokes, there's death jokes, there's all kinds of dark shit, Bill Murray's trying to fuck the girl in the beginning with the telepathy bullshit.

It's great, but this is like, oh, parents are stupid and I'm going to slime you, dad, and stop telling me what to do, mom. And I'm like, what was this? This is Disney bullshit. Well, that's everything because now you've got to apply appeal to kids because you get a bigger thing because the parents bring the kids. So you make the double ticket money my wife handles the ticket money same with Blues Brothers they we did Blues Brothers in 2000 it was rated PG

I'm like this is a rated R film it's got blue in the name it should be blue blue balls yes blues clues think he fucked a kid either way yeah Nickelodeon everybody's fucking kids apparently. B. Diddy, call me back. But either way, I go, hey, Ronson, I got a bail. And he goes, the movie's just starting. It's just like, who are you going to call? And I go, I got to call the seller.

I'm late. So I get out of there. I had my I.C. But no Bill Murray. Ah, he wasn't there? Or he didn't see it? He didn't show up. He's in LA banging a 12 year old so, uh quite elderly

Yeah Hell by the way, I know they say he's one of the only actors who hasn't done surgery And surgery is out of control by the way Sarah showed me a photo of I think Ashley Judd maybe? She looks like the saw guy that comes in. She's got the face and her eyes are all like sunken black and it's crazy looking. Just age everybody. Age Madonna too. Madonna looks like Chuck. Just moisturize and eat some fruit. Yeah. Stay out of the sun. Don't drink. I mean, I don't know. Like there's ways to look. Okay. Oh, you watch second city or not second city. Sex in the city. And it's like watching a it's a haunted house. Yeah. Curb to people. You're like this

puffed and pooped. Richard Lewis is like, I'm putting in my will, Larry. I'm putting you in the will. Don't put me in the fucking will. I'm putting in the wheel. He can't move. He's sitting in the car. It's horrible. It's bad. But I say this to Sarah and I talk about this a lot. Like you do get these things with the all these everyone in Hollywood because like the amount of photos we talk about like every night we do stand up. They tag photos. The photographers. I appreciate photographers. I love Salik use, but they don't give a fuck about our well-being. They just go post it. I put some photos and it's overhead lighting. It looks like I'm missing a tooth. I got seven chins. I'm like this. And it's just, I mean, I had a bit about it,

but like every day you're tagged. 50 photos, all these videos. You look like a piece of garbage. And so all these actors everywhere, they're looking at 3000 photos a day and they're like, I need to kill myself. So they'd like shoot me with a load of cum, fucking fire some turkey shit in my eyeballs,

and whatever. Gobble, gobble. I think he got something there, but that's what's great about being a comedian. You can look like Louis CK and still be the king. You can be the king, but it doesn't mean you don't want to kill yourself. I mean, Steve Buscemi's worked, but I'm sure he wants to die. You see him in the last episode. He looks like grim death.

Poor guy. Which is not far off by the way. But, alright, so, you know, I'm still like, hey, I live in New York City, I'm in Lincoln Center, I'm going to movie premieres, I'm hanging out with Ronnie Chang, this is not so bad, and I'm going from spot to spot. I got three spots. They're all, you ever have this where you have three sets, they're all at 8 o'clock show? Yes. So you gotta go first on- I mean, no, but I know what you mean.

You gotta go first on one, middle on the other, and then barely make the last spot on the last show. Right. So, I go to New York Comedy Club, boom, fun show, get off. Get on a city bike, go to Gotham, I make it. Boom, get out of Gotham, jump on a city bike, I'm gonna make the stand, holy shit, I'm I make it. Boom. Get out of Gotham. Jump on a city bike. I'm going to make the stand.

Holy shit, I'm going to make it by like a minute. I'm texting while biking. I'm like, oh my god. Woo. I'm going a million miles an hour down Fourth Avenue. Haulin' ass. Got doored. Oh no.

I got doored, Jerry. Jimmy Dore. Uber. I'm talking the timing could have been more perfect. I'm going a zillion miles an hour on an e-bike. So these things can move baby. Yeah, you can die. We just lost a friend this way. Door opens. I hit the brakes. There's not enough time. I just door goes, bends back. I fly fly forward fuck both my knees up oh god knock the wind out of me with the handlebars doing the my my hand was all cut up I got the whole you know the what do you birds stars not the star the people they're over me going like oh my god it's all silent they're like oh Jesus and I'm just like you feel like a kid again I'm

40 so then the the guy coming out of the uber he's a I think he's a South American gentleman nice guy he had like a camera on his neck and a map in his hand and he goes oh my god you Oh, Santo Domingo, whatever. And I'm like, ah. Sobbing, you dope. And now I'm like, I'm pissed, because I'm like, I was gonna make the spot, you doored me, I almost died, what am I doing?

And I look down in my buzzy stupor, I'm not in a bike lane. Oh no. The whole thing's my fault. Oh, Jesus, what are you in? I'm in a, well there's a lane, a bike lane. Oh no. The whole thing's my fault. Oh Jesus. So I go. What are you in? I'm in a, well there's a lane, a car lane, a bike lane, and a parking lane. Elaine Bennett's. Yes, Lois Lane. And I'm in the parking lane, whatever that means. So I'm not in the bike lane. Oh boy. So I'm in bad pain. My knees are throbbing. My elbows hurt, your head hurts, whatever, I'm out of breath,

and I'm like, this is my fault. So they're all like, what are you gonna do? And people are helping me up, they're like, you gonna sue this guy, fuck him, and the driver's like, oh, my door, he's freaking out. And I just go, ah! I get up on the bike, it's mangled, the tire's bent, and I just hobble out of there,

and I text Harare at the stand, I go, give me 10 minutes. I sit on the side of the, I go around the corner, I hold in some tears, I go, ooh, I get my shit together, and I go to the set at the stand. Now how are you feeling now? Are you better, do you ice? It was a week ago, but both knees were like, just scabbed to shit, black, you know, and I had pants on and the pants were bloody knees.

Oh, Jesus. I looked like I was wearing knee pads and the elbows are all scuffed up, but I'm okay, but it could have been a lot worse. Could have been worse. I mean, you could have died. Could have died easily. No helmet. No helmet. No helmet. That's how we lost our pal Kenny, RIP. I see what saved me was the door cuz that It went back the other way and that really took a lot of the blow. Ah Blow dry blow job sure Damn, that's fucking crazy. It's a scary. But when you see that door swing open yours like this is it There's nothing you can do you can hit the brakes, but you're already going eight million miles an hour

I know riding in the city has no appeal to me whatsoever. I had city bike for a while, I'd go to Central Park and do the big long bike loop, which was delightful. Sure. That's nice, but the ride into the city, too many people don't give a fuck, including yourself. No. And just, they whip through red lights,

they take rights down the wrong way, both shoes in the same foot. It's too crazy out here. It's a knife fight, every car's trying to get your way, a person's trying to get, we're all trying to do our own thing and it's too many people at too many at once and it's a recipe for disaster. And the cars don't respect the bikes and the bikes don't respect the cars. That's the fundamental issue. And nobody respects the people. No. People, you're on your own. You're fucking, you're target practice. The city is out of control. We talk about it every week. I had today I took two trains

to get here. The first train is just a lady listening to music out loud on her phone like just hip hop. Skipping her up and just looking at it like this. Just full music blasting. I get off that train. I got the next train. This guy's doing his own rap song. He's got the speaker with the G and he's like, well, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four,

four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four, four We need a you know what we need is like was this your show idea We need like a jury to show up and go you're an asshole and he's gonna go fuck you

It's a free country, and then we need the jury to go no no we've all decided 12 of us You're a piece of shit. That's the show inconsideration. We pitched it all over we spent two years on it They changed it so much that didn't even recognize and now I think about the show. I'm like I should just make the show Yes, you all make money I just make my own thing. I fucking hate this business. You turn you said it to somebody they send it to somebody They fuck it up. This is the thing about this business and probably all businesses No boss this happens in every business when you replace a boss replaces another boss They have to make their presence known because otherwise they don't have a job. If you just go, here's my idea, and the person goes, great.

Totally. They don't, what do we need him for? Of course. So they have to make their job seem like it's a job. So they gotta go, what if we did it like this? And then you're like, okay, but we're the artists. I created the thing. You're the talent.

And then what's ironic is if you do it well enough enough, then they let you do whatever you want. I know. But then you're like, I'm still the same guy. I know you got to tap dance and tickle their balls for 10 years until you can do your own like George Clooney had to go on facts of life. And then he finally got to make a goodbye and good luck or whatever the fuck. And you want to go, well, what did you create? Let me see some of your stuff. Cause then you're like, I got five hours of material that I wrote and it's killing. Yes. So I know how to make a thing that works. Well, don't you feel like it is slipping out of their fingers a little bit, a little bit, but a little bit. And also they got us by

the balls because we don't want to do anything. We, we have an idea. We will write the show. We will start in the show, but we don't want to have a camera and a production and a light and a craft service and a union and a quiff. Right. Look at Seinfeld. They're like, this show sucks. You can't do it. Best show ever. There you go. Except for the last two seasons. But that was a different time when you could breathe a little. You could work your way up, but those days were over, Fetty.

They all do the thing. Why are they tuned in? What's the cliffhanger? What's the scoophanger? What's the boomhanger? And you go, just let me do the show. It'll be great. Yeah, well did you hear that old story of a... Who was it? I don't know. Some producer was like, Quentin, you got to have a lady in this reservoir, dogs. You need a woman. You need a female idea, presence, a perspective. And he goes, no dice. Not happening. Like, you need a woman, that's all the movie. The movie's perfect, just needs a woman's voice. And he goes, no dice. And great movie.

Big hit. Fantastic movie, yeah, I think that happens a lot. People insist on a thing. I mean, Rocky, wouldn't, Sylvester Stallone wouldn't sell the movie unless he could play Rocky, yada yada. And held out and look at him now. Let's make it, let me produce it.

Let me give you money. I wanna see. I'll take the money. I wanna see and consider nation, it's a great idea, it's necessary. The idea was to interview the people, go what are you thinking, what's going on here? I just wanna ask you. It's gold, I mean you're gonna get shanked eventually.

Well that's why I would have other people, what do you call that, in like the Daily Show? Correspondence. Correspondence, and it'd have to be minority people. UFC fighters. Oh, I see. Because you can't have a white guy telling people what to do. Right. Which we said in the pitch, and they were like, that doesn't matter.

That actually happened. I was like, what if we had, I bring in Chris Allen or Ian Lahr, somebody to be with me, because this feels like just, this is four years ago. It feels like just a white guy telling people how they should live their life. And they're like, I don't think that's going to matter. That's called caring. I feel like that might matter. This straight white guy being like you should do the life this way. But anyways the idea was yeah you would interview them because I think it all the time when I see people holding the doors open or playing music out loud

or walking up this they have their two-year-old walking up the steps at rush hour like learning to walk up stairs. You just want to like, are you thinking about anybody else? No, they're not. You don't give a shit, why are you doing this? How about the guy texting, there's four turnstile, little tunnels there. There's one guy texting in that little section. Like, you know, there's four ways in to the subway

and one guy is texting and using that to relax in that spot. This is your choice. All the time. All the time. And now they finally did something that I've been saying for years and talking about on the show at Grand Central. They put a divider for the people leaving the 7 Train and coming to the 7 Train. There's like a, what do you call it?

You went at the bank. Oh. Like the hallways like this and they put a thing being like, okay, people going this way or this side, people going this way or this side. Finally. Because otherwise you just have, it's like Braveheart. Yes. And you're like, and to me, I thought we just had a society thing, like on a sidewalk, like

we're on the right. You drive on the right, you stand on the right. I don't get the people that just walk up the wrong side of the sidewalk, wrong side of the stairs. Yeah, all right. I don't know it's true You did ants can do it. Why can't we? Yeah, we're not as good as the ants. No, they got a farm All right, Auntie Em Hey folks to the stories brought to you by blue chew If you can't get it up as easily as you used to don't panic blue chew has got you covered with ed Medicine that's sent right to your door. No need to drag your

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Oh yeah, those were like country bumpkin assholes that came to the city. Okay, well they're wearing polo shirts, I they were city folk but I might be wrong. It's just a cute town they got that little pavilion or square I don't even know what a pavilion is but it's all brick lined and it's a college town and it's so cool because we we've done the southern. Yes. Yes with Chris Allen that's where we met fat Chris Allen originally. A bully. And uh just to go there and it's like talking about taking a breath of fresh air. It's just hilly and nice and trees and everything and it's fun, nice people. There's a guy playing a banjo in the square and doing this great theater. We sold it out. Chris Allen opened. He killed. I did his podcast. Check that out. And we hung out and then I

ended up getting drunk with a couple of show people, woke up the next day, drove to West Virginia. West Virginia. Now that's a beautiful drive. Oh yeah, I'm driving to Virginia next week. Shenandoah. Oh, National Park. Shenandoah-ity. I feel like that is a, that's a, I don don't wanna say underrated, but it's underappreciated. Like that Virginia, West Virginia, we were with Tootless, Kentucky, it's a really beautiful rolling hilly countryside over there. Oh yeah, the Blue Ridge Mountains

and the Shenandoah River, and yeah, it's fantastic. It's fantastic, but we just chalk it up to like coal mining, honky, white, cracker, hillbilly. Yeah, absolutely. Which they have that as well. Plenty of that. But I get to West Virginia and it's just a sad, blue collar, blue eyed devil town, you know?

And boy, to that crowd, it was a hootin' ante. Was that a hot crowd? They were hot, but they were too hot. Like, yeah, you got that right. Mm-mm. Like, gee, you know that right. Mm-mm. Like, gee, you know, a lot of jigs and whatnot. Ironically, they're doing a jig.

But yeah, you know, drinking a jug with three Xs on it, a lot of sleeveless shirts and stuff. And it was fun. It was great. But David Tell calls it you're on the Connecting Flights Tour. Ah, that's funny. Because you're going to Knoxville, you're going to West Virginia, you're going to Charlottesville. I've never been to West Virginia. I've never worked there.

Just kind of passed through on the way to Ohio. Yeah. It's a different world out there. I think that Morgantown's a hell of a place. Morgantown? That's where the school is. Ah. West Virginia University.

Oh. Okay. All right. So just got to give a shout out to that. Pretty dry. I've used the shell cards. I finally use one Yeah, they're fun. Easy as pie. I'm like idiot. I had the shell card that whatever theater gives you a shell card $250 gas card. I never remember it and I'm like this is gonna be a pain in the ass. I know it's a classic

I'm driving in I'm like I gotta work I know it and then you just put it in the thing and it's like Free gas free gas and you got that rental car So I go they go you want us to fill it up? And I go, fill your ass up with jizz, because I'm filling this car up, because I got a shell. Absolutely. Yeah, so, and those drives are nice.

Three hours and under on the road is a smooth, cool hang. Well, especially away from the Northeast Corridor, where there's no traffic and you're just breezing around. Right, right, yeah. We gotta get out of here. You gotta get out. Duh!. So I'll just keep this short. I know I'm hogging. You go. No, no. I don't have one. You go. I got a couple, but whatever. So of course it's protect our parks time, that time of the year. Pop. Yes. You call it that? Yeah, we call it P.O.P. Okay. All right.

You down with P.O.P.? Not really. Oh, that was adorable. Thank you. So it's just P.O.P. is getting weirder because first of all, I fly in on Monday, we're shooting P.O.P. on Tuesday, and I go, hey, it's Monday, kill Tony. Might as well pop on. You know, I'm a Canadian.

Yeah, KT. And I show up to Kill Tony. And I look through the curtain like, oh, let's see who's on. And it's Joe Rogan and Tucker Carlson. And I'm like, I'll sit this one out. Wow. They don't want me barging in on this parade. Oh my god.

That is a hell of a lineup. Yeah, quite a packed dance card there. So I go, all right, fuck that. I go to the creek. Creek's popping. We of a lineup. Yeah, quite a packed dance card there. So I go, all right, fuck that. I go to the creek. Creek's popping. We do a show. I say hi to Rebecca. The whole gang's over there.

That's fun. Killer crowd at the creek. And then you try not to drink too much. Had a couple drinks with Ari. We hung out. We shot the shit. Go to bed, wake up, do POP. It's weird now.

This is our 11th one. Wow. Isn't that wild? Flies. It's been a year, basically? More than that, I think. Cause we do three a year, so we're on 11. Oh, I thought you do it once a month.

No, no, that's a period. So... It's been multiple years? I guess so. Give that a go. I don't know what number one was but yeah It's gotta be more than three a year. Maybe four years ago. Maybe four. Maybe it's quarterly No kidding. Yeah, so

Everybody's so busy now Ari's off in Spain Ari's got nine podcasts He's starting and all this Shane flies in on a PJ. I think, for Protect Our Parks. We do the show. Shane had it out for me for some reason where he's like, you never get hammered. I'm like, I get hammered every time. He's like, you never get hammered. Because they're chugging BLs. So they got this pile of dead soldiers here.

Takes a PJ to the BL. There you go. And gave me an HJ. But PB&J? Okay. So they got the pile of those dead bodies so they look like they're fucking going at it. I'm a whiskey man. So I just keep pouring. So I just got an empty glass with some clinking ice. And they go, oh, you're not putting it back. And I go, this is hard liquor, you queefs. You guys are drinking piss water. Sure. Dylan Mulshaney. So he goes, here, here, you gotta keep beer bonging.

I puked four times. Oh, God. We go to the mothership. I don't remember any of this. Me and Rogan show up there. I don't remember any of this. We get in. I fall asleep in the back of the mothership in a closet.

The whole show, I do a set, I repeated three jokes. The crowd is laughing at me. I gotta get the tape. I open with a joke. What are you doing? I slur. That's rude. They bought a ticket to see you.

They did it to me. I didn't want to be like this. So we did five hours. I don't remember the last hour and a half, two hours. Scary. What's a five hour pocket? That's insane. Don't you think we jumped the shark with this already?

Five hours? That's retarded. I don't know. I don't know what they were thinking. It was horrifying. The Two Godfathers together isn't five hours. I don't know about that. No, I think it's six.

Okay. All right. So, we do five hours. We go to the club, the show's sold out, they're all going nuts, protecting our parks here. I go up, I had to go first because I was on wobbly knees here. I could barely talk, I could barely stand, I'm legless. So I go up, open with a joke, does okay, I'm slurring through half of it.

I think I told six Richard Jennings jokes, I don't know where it was at. I tell the joke again that I opened with for the second time. They're kind of confused. And then I see that I got the light. So I tell the same joke again, and the crowd goes ape shit

because they realize this guy is a fucking retard. Oh my God. Then I get off stage. I go back behind the curtain, and there's a little nook back there. I know the nook. There's equipment and whatnot Yeah, I lay down fall asleep for about two hours

Wake up. I hear Tony's gay voice like and that's guy. He's on stage then I yak Twice I puked up all kinds of pussy and placenta I mean it was horrific and you you go, oh that's the barbacoa, you know, that's the Pollo Loco right there. So yak, and I just get up and I go, I gotta get out of here. I walk down the stairs, make it to the liquor room, sleep in there for like an hour. Oh my god. Some girl goes, you okay? I go, get out of here, I'm fine. I get up, I walk to the hotel, I don't know how I made it. I must've looked like a kook.

Especially in that town, yeah, you could've got fucking shivved. I mean, I was like, you know, Frankenstein. I yak two more times on the walk over, and I'm not a yakker. No. So this is all out of the norm for me. I get to the hotel, I pass out,

I wake up at like 3 p.m. the next day, I look at my phone, I've texted like 6 ex-girlfriends, I texted my dad my dick, I texted Seinfeld to write some new jokes. I mean it was bad. Well that one was good. So the shame, Jared, the level of shame I can't even even tell you. And just the pain, I was in. I'm old, we used to do this all the time. We were too old for this. No, that's no good. I mean, how was the pod, though?

Did you get a good response? Was anyone like, this is crazy? I mean, I think it was a good pod, but I sucked. Oh, jeez. You can't, comedy and booze do not mix. I know everybody thinks, hey, I'll get loose. I'll be Stan Hope up there. I'll be Bukowski and start talking real shit

and spitting facts. Comedy and booze is not good. No. And do you edit the thing? Are you afterwards like, take that out, take this out? No. And then I woke up to, you know, eight million texts of Shane being like, oh, we talked about this. That was bad. Ari's like, we should take that out. Joe's like, oh, don't worry. I got rid of that. I'm like, I don't remember anything I said. So I don't know what to take out for me. Five hours is great. You guys are like the chapelle of podcast That's like the thing we make fun of It's like Dane and chapelle going for 12 hours. Yeah

Well, we're not causing people to stay in a seat watching us. Oh Jamie. That's Those security guys and the Ivermectin people in the lobby. Pull that up. Yeah, good point. Good point. Poor JMo. He had a couple of, he had a couple of shotguns. Oh, is that right? I think he has to just to get by. I like that Jamie. He's my favorite guy in that room, I'll tell you that. He's a good egg. Oh boy, five hours. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what we were thinking. Well, you just start going and going and then the clock is, it's like a casino. It's meaningless. Right? Wow. Good times, but too much puking. Got my shit together and a went and did sets of the mothership

all week. And a, it really is a good club. It's a great club. One of the best clubs I might move there. I need warmth, Jerry. I need some sun. I don't like to to heat. I don't like the hot I don't like 122 in the summer, but my god this overcast coal out here I feel like we've had about two weeks of blue today was a bad one. Are you out of your mind? Why you're gone for a while? Yeah, you got a week of blue you're in Texas No, it's been raining and overcast and 43 degrees now if it's 48. I'm like, okay Here we go. I had a barbecue the other day because it was 46. It's fucking horrible here.

I know. We've got to get out. And it's spring too. This is our spring. It looks like fucking Nazi Germany out there. Springtime for Hitler. There you go. But yeah, it's bad. But yeah, well, it's good to have you back. It's good to be back and I'm glad I'm alive. I mean, I think if this is alcohol poisoning, I was here. Yeah, that's the thing with people that drink. They want to bring you down with them. How come

you're not drinking as much as me? You need to drink more. And I was. That's the problem. You can't be like, look, look, I've had this man because it's an empty glass. That's the tough thing. So. But I think Shane is like, uh, he drinks like he'd really fucking drinks. He's an animal. It's really impressive what he can put back. He's, he's like refrigerator Perry or Andre the giant, you know, he's just chugging wine. Right. Imagine if he stopped how good he would be. That's my own. Everybody's going to have a vice. You like a cookie? I love a brownie and a donut and I can't stop. I'm like, I'm tip top weight. I weigh 225 pounds.

Whoa. Yeah. I mean, that's a fake number. Obviously the fact that you believed it made me nervous. Well, I don't know numbers. That's about 50 pounds high, but yeah, I got a donut every morning. I can't not do it. I go into Starbucks and then they go.

The problem is I go to the same place every day. So I walk in, they go, you want your donut? And once they say you want the donut, I'm like, yeah, give me the donut. You're a regular. It's that much more difficult to say no once you're there. And they're like, there's the donut. And what's better than a fucking donut? I start my day with a donut.

Plus I've earned it because I take the baby in the morning. So I got three hours with him before Sarah wakes up. So you got that little like, you know, what's the worst is you ever have a donut or a cookie or some treat where you're like, I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to do it. And then you get a phone call or your wife's talking to you and you don't you eat it. You don't you don't get to enjoy it. And then it's gone. This is what I have. I'm walking home eating the dough. I'm like, I'm just walking, listening to a pocket. I should I should eat this donut in a cave with a cloth over my dick and my face painted and just

slowly eat it, lick it tongue. Yes. You know, with a finger in my ass. It's like a prisoner when they throw that, that tray of food in there like, you know, you gotta really savor it. Yeah. I should have savored. Anyways, let me tell you a little bit about Raleigh, North Carolina. All right. Because I was there six months ago, whatever. Great town. I love Raleigh. I would like to move there. I love the both Carolinas. I love great Carolinas. Sweet Carolina. I wish it was a third Carolina. That is enough. West Carolina. They born and raised on the playground. That is where I spent most of my days. But so I go down to Raleigh, did good nights. First time in the new club since it moved.

I hadn't been to the new one. All right, Pete, because that old one was a fucking peach. It was a peach, but this one's way, way better. All right. Oh, really? Oh, it's like 100 times better. What? Hard to beat that old box.

No. The green room was horrible. True. That was a fucking closet next to the kitchen. I mean, literally a closet. You could fit three people in there and then the stage was too high. A little high. I never actually got, I have to come clean here, the Charlie Goodnights lore. Oh, see I'm on the other side of the fence. I always thought, like people talk like it's like a comedy on state in Madison or side splitters or a Denver comedy work. People are like, oh, good night.

I thought it was fine. I thought it was, I thought the stage was too high and it was a little beat up and old and the green room was awful. Awful green room. But now it's like, it feels like a helium. It feels like Philly helium. It's that low stage. Oh wow.

The stage is this high, which it should be in fucking stand-up comedy clubs. Okay, I'm excited. And it's kind of fanned out like that, and they're right on top of you, and the green room's got a TV, and it's a big couch, and it's nice. All right, way to go helium.

Yeah, so, oh, they got some of the best clubs. So the shows were great. I go down there with Matt Wayne. I got a couple complaints, and I'll be called a cunt, about some of this customer service down there. And now here's the thing about the South, which North Carolina is the South, of course, but it doesn't feel like the South to me, because it's not South.

It's more central. OK. Anything about the South. People call Virginia the South. But I'm like, you could drive South for 38 hours straight. I've always said this, but Tennessee, it's in the middle. It's not southern at all. Yeah, and Virginia's north of there,

but people call that the south. Yeah. I don't get it. Kentucky as well. Of course. But anyways, so. Maybe it's just a slave thing. Maybe they were the fight.

I think it's the Civil War. The revolution. Mason Dixon. There we go. He sounds nice. But anyways, we go down to North Cackalacka and it's such a beautiful town. Now they're so friendly there,

which isn't always the best for us New York, New England, Northeast people. It's a time suck. Because I do, as much as I wanna to leave New York City, I like the northeast of like, you ask for directions, they're like, hey can you tell me how to get to the thing? They're like this, you go up 93 North, you get off at exit 38, you're gonna see a Dunkin Donuts, take a right there, my buddy Mikey works there, stop in and ask him to fucking give you the towel because he'll put you, it's

like that, matter of fact. Now North Carolina, you go down, you go, Hey, can you tell me how to get to Chick-fil-a? Welcome. Yeah. What are you doing in town? Where you from partner? Yes. Where you coming in from spanger? New York. Well, you got a Boston hat. What's going on there? Well, I grew up in Massachusetts. Boy, what are the weather? That's like a Duke fan coming to chapel Hill and telling him, yes, it's very strange, I don't know. Speaking my lab, a Louisiana guy. You're talking right up my asshole. It's just like, okay, I don't give a fuck.

So I go, and now this story I did put on YouTube, so I'll just blast right through, but I didn't get your perspective on this. I can't wait, and I feel bad for hogging so much time. And by the way, about 48 people were like, this is a Bill Burr bit, you piece of shit, and I'm like, well, this isn't a bit, it's just a story that happened. I gotta feed the algorithm for God's sake okay. You know what I mean?

I'll text Bill right we're friends. Oh you talked about your wife. Hey, that's a Henny Youngman I'm like I can't talk about the wife. I'm like yeah, no I just decided in my 25th year of comedy I'll start stealing from my friend Bill Burr. Yeah, yeah Well your wife is black anyways so, so African-American. So I go to Fleet Feet. You know Fleet Feet? Fleet Feet. I don't like the sound of that. It's a sneaker store. Okay. And you know how I like to shop. I told the store when I bought my car. I looked up the car. There's a 2018 Nissan Sentra on the lot. I come in with cash and I say, give me the 2018 red Nissan Sentra. I got the check ready. Let's take off. Top

of the line, real muscle. They go, you want to take it for a spin? I go, okay. I did one spin around the block and I go, yeah, give me the car. And he's like, you want to see some other cars? No, I don't. Yeah. I don't want any of the cars. No haggle. I like to go in, get the fucking thing I want and leave. So I go in, I wear 10 eighties. These ones are beat up. New balance, 10 eighties. I got plantar fasciitis. I run a lot. Five 50. I'm gay. That's almost double. So what's double that 10 1100. You're 20 points ahead of me if counting both shoes, one of my shoes. All right. Come on rain man. Back to the story

So we go down there fleet feet. I walk in I go give me the 1080s I walk it there's a whole wall full of sneakers. I can't I don't see the 1080s. I got Matt Wayne my partner and crime I'm picking them up. No 1080 then I get sidled Sidled I'm looking at the thing and you got I get one of these I'm here and the guys like this How can I help Sidled? I'm looking at the thing and I get one of these. I'm here and the guy's like this. How can I help you buddy? I go, oh, Jesus Christ. Sidle of the lambs.

Straight up from, I come from my side. Am I crazy? Yeah, peripheral. Come over here, let me see in the peripheral that someone's approaching, a stranger approaches. I'm from New York, I'm on edge. So he goes, wow, I turn around, I whacked him in the stomach, and I choked him out.

Crack him in the jaw. I put him in a fucking guillotine, this kid. I look over, there's an 11-year-old boy with fucking pimples and a hard cock, and I go, hey, sorry, I'm just looking for the 1080s. He goes, wow, we got the 1080s? Absolutely. He whips out an iPad.

It's one of these iPads that's strapped on What is this the black ops? He's got a strap-on pad whips it around. What's your name there stranger? and I go It's it's Joe. Yeah, Joe. All right and phone number So this is where I flipped I'm a dad now so I just right away with no even a pause I went you don't need my phone number. So this is where I flipped. I'm a dad now. So I just right away with no, even a pause, I went, you don't need my phone number. And he went, like he got like, it's like an AI, like he's short wired or whatever you call that. Malfunction.

Short circuit. Thank you. He goes, oh, good movie. No one's ever said this to him. So he's looking and he goes, I can see the little squares red, like fill this out next. Yeah, well he's got the protocol. And he's like, um,

okay, well, it's just in case you step out. We got, I'm going to get you my next available agent. I go, I'm not going to step out. I'm going to get the 10 eighties and I'm going to step out with my 10 eighties. Yeah, yeah, I'm stepping. And he goes, okay. I go, yeah, you don't need it. It's fine. And he goes, oh, well, all right. And he takes a step away. He steps out and he comes back and he goes, I'm sorry. And I feel like he was going to go talk to his manager and was like, I absolutely, I need your phone number or else. I go, no sweat. I'll get them somewhere else.

And I walk right out of there. I'm telling you, you're on the other side, Jerry. I'm a new man. Why do they need my fucking phone number? I don't know. And it's a waste of fucking time. My wife doesn't have my phone number. No, she's got mine.

But it's just too much with the info, the login. We want to make a transaction. Trans. I love trans. I'm transitioning. Yes, translate. I'd love to be a woman. Get me on Netflix for God's sakes.

Give me some bumps. Gender. Anyways, I just left and I felt pretty good about it. Good for you. And then I went, by the way, and this is why, if everyone hates Amazon, I hate Amazon. Amazon is ruining the Amazon, the jungle, whatever the fuck. Sure, sure, sure. Rainforest. I go to Amazon, I go New Balance, 1080s, boop, boop, boop, a variety of colors and I go click click now they're coming no

No one gets my phone number. Yes, they get my address and credit card What I like my preferences, but yeah Anyway, so I got the shoes there then we go over to pipes by George Which is hilarious because it's all pipes George it's all by George Which is hilarious because it's all pipes George. All pipes? It's all pipes. It's all pipes. That by George. I love it.

Pipes by George on Hillsborough Street, right down the street. George is saying cut it. How good is that? Yes. So we go to pipes by George. Where are the cameras? It's a little, you know, mom and pop or just pop, I guess. It's George.

Mom's dead. She smoked too much. She had lung cancer. So I go into Pipes by George. And I went there before I bring in Matt. And this is also funny. I park and it's like next to it's like a Jamaican hair shop or something. Ah, yeah, man.

And this lady, this lady comes in, not Yemen, Jamaica. So this lady comes in and she's like, you left left your blinking lights on and I was like, oh shit I'm sorry and I was like I'll be right out and then she just stood there like And I'm like your work is done. Yeah I'll come and I'm just gonna buy the cigar and she was like Okay, the did one of these. All right, like your loss. Yeah I'll be out here in three minutes. I do appreciate it was a nice gesture. Should be like, can I get your phone number? Because I maybe she thought I was going to sit and smoke a full cigar with George. But

anyways, too friendly is my thing. Too friendly. I hear you. Come on, you're going to get your battery and I was like, don't worry, I'm on it. This is why the South has not risen. We're wasting so much time on politeness and all this hospitality. Too much hospitality. Where we're losing time on efficiency. It's tough. There's too much hostility here and hospitality down there. Ooh, we need to meet in the mid.

Yes, we need hospitals. Yes, and George is laying pipe. So now everyone's gonna call me a cunt and I'm always a cunt and I'm a Karen and a cunty Karen, but- You're a cuntern. Every cigar place, it's one of these things where you're like, I'm like the asshole, but I'm like, let me just tell you how every other place ever does this. Sure.

They got a big old humidor, big walk-in humidor, just like every cigar shop in America. And every cigar shop, you just, you walk right into that humidor. And by the way, not just cigar, shops in general. You walk in, you go, Oh, what's this Sharpie permanent, Oh, okay. That's black. This one's red. I'll get one red, one black. Okay. Here we go. And they take it to the register. Yeah. So I start walking in, this guy goes, Oh goes oh hey how do you do there partner what you're doing and I'm like I just gonna buy a couple sticks I use the terminology so he knows that um even though I hate sticks and bats I think it's so gay Stoge is that out Stoge's fun I think that's more fun that's for like that's

the lay person ah okay good to know Good to know. Stokey. Yeah. You gotta say bat or stick. Club club is in there now. I just made that one. I just like to say cigars. I have a couple of smoke, a cigar. Sig that's cigarette. Yeah. I just think bats and sticks is gay. I don't like it. Let me get a stick. Yeah. It's not a stick. It's a cigar. Yeah. It's a bad stick. A twig. Um, dick twigs and berries. I just feel about that. Dicks and dick and balls, twigs and berries. I never cared for that. I didn't love that one. No, it stinks. Anyways, I go in and the guy goes, Oh, and I go, yeah, I was gonna, what do I do? I just grab a couple cigars, and he goes, they're all on display right there.

I look over and there's like a glass display case. What they did is they take one of each cigar they carry and put it in a display case. It doesn't open, you just have to look at it like this. Oh, this is no good. I can't pick it up, I can't smell it, I can't read the label, there's no information about it. Normally most cigar places, there's a box

and it describes it, Honduran tobacco with a Connecticut wrapper full with mild flowers and my father's gay, 8.99. This is just like a baseball card shop. They have like a glass, you can look at it. And then this guy, and I understand they probably have people going in, college kids stealing cigars Maybe I don't know theft I bet

But some cigar shops, they don't let you in the humidor unless they're in there with you sure which is annoying But I'll take that I get it this guy stands on my shoulder Like a parrot now, I can't I have no leisurely shop. I can't pick things up, look up and think about them. I just gotta make a decision and he's right here. And then I'm going like this. Oh, there's my father. That's what I normally smoke. But I'm looking to mix it up a little today.

This is him. No reaction. I go, oh wow, there's the Jamie Garcia. That's a good smoke. I like those. Oh, this is my night. You know I need a reaction. Stiff, just stiff, Jerry. Yes. So finally I go ah well this guy sucks he's I can feel him breathing

so I'm like I'll take one of those one of these one of the waddles off he goes into the humidor which I'm not allowed in. What's the beef what's the attitude? He comes back he only gets two of the three right. Jesus! Because I'm pointing, he can't even see. He's an old asshole named George, so I'm going this one, this one. He comes back with three of the wrong cigars, but they're cigars I like, so and I don't want to be rude, so I just go, all right, just give me these three. I gotta get the fuck out of here. Right, right. Well, that's it. That's my whole story. This place is not all pipes. It's not pipes. It's a...

It's Bush League. It's a wet sock with no dry sock to come. Yes! I forgot about that. But I just am like... I know I'm a fucking... He's a cunt, but I'm like... Well, just so you know, across America, this is how they do it.

Yes, and it's a better system. And by the way, all we're talking about is the polite. Where's the polite with Georgie Porgy? No polite. This guy's more of a Debbie Downer. He's stuck, but maybe he saw me as a city slick and asshole or I'm not an old man, or maybe he thinks I'm a, it's amateur hour. I don't know what he thought. But you know, I'm not a Yelp cunt. You know, these coups, they get on the TripAdvisor, they write a whole diatribe. You want to go on there and go, Hey, George, how about a smirk, you fucking wet blanket? Give me something. And the display case sucks.

It's a horrible system. I hate the case. It's like if you went to a sneaker store and they just had photos of five sneakers. You're like, I'll take that one, I guess. I know. It's like buying a diamond ring. You got to go, oh, what about this? Let me hold it.

And that was pretty... Oh, then there's another complaint. I go to, to you know Mitch's Tavern in Raleigh I don't know old legendary bar and it's where they shot bull Durham ah which is a fun fun thing so we go up in there and I go let me go check this place out let's get let me get a let me get a sniff it's an old wood bar and they shot one of my favorite films ever there. So we go upstairs and it's a beautiful, it's all oak and it just stinks like old, it smells like the cellar.

Love that. And we walk up and it's like one o'clock in the afternoon. We just want to, tomorrow we're going to get lunch there, but I just want to get a feel for it. I love the film. Let me just look at it. We walk up and there's two people sitting at the bar and the bartender looks over and you know, I'm in a place of business I went hey we're just it's a legendary bar so we just wanted to take a look we're gonna come for lunch tomorrow and she says no problem the couple they both it's a man and woman they turn like this and the woman goes yeah it's legendary I go well what is that I already I don't

want to talk to people and And then the guy turns, he looks at Matt, Matt's got a Buffalo Bills head. He's from Buffalo. We'll be there April 20 something to the 20 something, 26 to 28. He goes, Buffalo boo, boo, Buffalo, Steelers fan. How do you feel about these people? I think you got to tune these guys up. I mean, hit the wife. I wanted to fucking smack around. And so now, again, new me, parent, I'm out the door. I just, right down the stairs, I left Matt to talk football.

I'm like, I can't, I cannot with these people. Wow. And I hate, I'm a sports guy, and I'll wear, I've never been, I'm from Boston, I hate the Yankees. When I see someone with a Yankee hat, I never go, hey, look at this guy, fuck this guy, whoa. I don't know, what's the end game? Should we fist fight?

Where do we go from here? Exactly, and they probably think they're being like, folksy or whatever, but you're like, boo, I'm 40 years old. Yeah, exactly. And I see someone with a Yankee hat, and I like, oh, hey, you're a baseball guy. Oh, dude, that's what, what do you think about the upcoming sit? Let's talk about, I don't get this thing of like, boo, look at this guy. I'm like, what are we going to do?

Oh, well, that's cause you suck. You're right. Right. Both teams dig. Who cares? Can we eat lunch? I know. I was just, I said, right.

Hilton said, cause that's where I'd done been born. I was born there, I don't know, what do you want me to do? Exactly. Anyways, so we hated them, but we did go back for lunch the next day. All right. Beautiful meatball sub, great bar, great spot. And then, this is the nice thing about Amazon

and being a little bit successful, they got a framed Durham Bulls crash Davis jersey. And I go, I want a crash Davis jersey. Oh and I went you know I'm gonna get one so I went right online delivered my door on the next Monday and then you forget you order a package you open it up I got a nice authentic Bull Durham Durham Bulls jersey I'll never wear once. Hell yeah love to hear it but you know put that puppy on the wall. Yeah maybe I'll wear it in here.

We gotta get some better thumbnails. I talked to an internet guy. Yes, thumbs are big. One of these website masters. These tech queefs. Oh man, I gotta tell you a hilarious thing they told me. Uh oh. Off air.

Alright, alright. Yeah, jeez. But yeah, we gotta get some thumbnail. We gotta do some photos of what we talked about. You gotta put in a sneaker. I made Mark the traffic cop in the new one. Oh Badge and he has a thing cuz you get pulled over. Oh, I like that. Yeah, there we go And also they said the titles don't have to be Tuesdays with stories blah blah blah blah. They could start with you know

Fuck my ass mark Yeah, yeah, something like that. We don't have to put in the Tuesdays with story mark that it said something like that That's what they said interesting. Well, we're already off the payroll. Anyway, so you might as well fucking go rogue. Yeah Well, can I just say I don't know how much how we looking on time. We're about we're about ending We're like 59. All right, I'll just say this real quick the highlight of my life. Do you talk in jerseys? so old Sammy the bull hits me up and he goes, what are you doing Monday? I go, I don't know. I got eight spots. He goes, I got us tickets

to the Knicks game. They're cooking. If they win this game, we're in the March Madness Final Four top NCAA bracket. And I go, great. I'm in. Cancel the spots. Little rude. Huh? Canceling the spots. Yeah, well, you know, you got to do it again. Not worried about being rude there. So... People about to take us to see you.

Ha ha ha! I'm damn rude. I'm just expressing the point. You don't have to worry about being rude by saying no to the other people. Well, when it's a face-to-face nerd... Ah, face-to-face rude. ...who goes, hell, give me a ride home. I go, okay. But on text, I can say the N word. Ah, that makes sense.

Okay, so. It's a great Naderman joke. Remember that joke? He's like, when I was a kid, you had to call women and be like, may I please have a date with you? I wonder if you wouldn't mind. He's like, now it's like on text, you're like, why don't you roll your fat ass over here, you fat bitch. Great bit, Dan Naderman. Okay, all right, sorry. He's got, now it's like, on text, you're like, why don't you roll your fat ass over here, you fat bitch?

Great bit, Dan Natterman. Okay, all right, sorry. He's got some pearls. You cancel the spots, you got the tickets. Yeah, so, and you know, the beauty of these Knicks games is, look, you get a great game, you get floor seats or whatever, court side, but you get the food, the drinks, the ice cream,

the dessert, the sushi, the whole thing, and it's a star-studded affair. This team is cooking. Of course, yes. So me and Sam and Chris Dego, good group, we're down there, Edie Falco. Whoa! Tracy Morgan.

Woo! Some other guy, legend Bill Bradley. There's all these old, giant, tall old men, who you're like, oh, Sam's like, that guy won the the UFC fight in 04 or whatever you beat Jack Johnson. I don't know so and Then you know, it's all cool. It's all gravy. There's some pop stars. Whatever who I don't know pipes in walks

Chris Rock Now I'm a child I'm trying to finagle. I'm talking to some queefy intern kid there, and I go, hey, you know, we're going to be out on court side. You might as well throw a brother a jersey. You know, I got to go out there. I know what I'm wearing, a gray shirt.

I got to have some represent the Knicks. He goes, ah, they're kind of expensive. I go, come on, we're here. We're eating. What are we doing here? Sure. We got money. The garden. And he goes, I'll see what I can do. So I'm trying to finagle a free jersey. Chris Rock walks by and you never know what to do. You don't want to go, whoa, Chris Rock. He's Rock. I'm Queef. And I just go, and he goes, comedy. Wow, how about that? How about that?

Not just like, oh, I think I remember your gay ass. It was like, I'm aware of you and your bullshit and your lines and all that. The catchphrase, yeah. Yeah, so that was exciting. And then Chris and Sam said, I'm eating a bowl of ice cream. And he goes, comedy. And I was like, wow. Chocolate all over my face. So I was like, ah, and then uh, you should have been like there's black people

So then Sam and Chris walks by or come by and he go he walks by again he goes couple of killers Very exciting that is unbelievable. We sat on the court, watched the great game, we had a ton of laughs, we got hammered, we drank a bunch of cocktails, and it was just Sam at these Knicks games is so great because we're talking to Chris Rock, Tracy Morgan's over there, he's at the Knicks, I mean he's like a 10 year old, make a wish, it's a beautiful thing to watch him at these games. It's wild that comedy is, I mean I'm scared to death that it's just going to come all

crumbling down. It has to eventually. But it's just wild that the courtside seats are all comedians. It's crazy. Keenan Thompson's over there, Sam Jay, Che. Wow. That's, I mean, it's like mostly comics. Yeah.

Yeah, it's crazy. Jon Stewart. But I guess you watch like Ali Frazier, it's David Brenner and Woody Allen are there. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Oh wow, that's pretty cool. Which I always thought was weird because I'm like, how is David Brenner that famous?

I guess just hosting the Tonight Show. Tonight Show, yeah, that was everything. It's so weird, but he never had a sitcom, right? No, no, and I never got his act either. No, no. Well, that's the great thing, I always say comedy does not hold up well. No, no.

Even old Leno you watch, you're like, ah, okay, I can see. There's something there. Yeah. But yeah. That's going to be us someday, by the way. Oh, yeah. People are going to trash us to death.

I mean, I read some of the, I just did Kill Tony. I read some of the comments. And I was like, boy, people really hate me. But you know. It's not great. It's all pipes. But yeah, thanks, thanks, Rocky. Appreciate it.

But then I saw Bill Burr last night. And I. Oh, but then I saw Bill Burr last night and I'm such a loser. I see Bill Burr and you want to go. I was like, Oh, hey, building goes. Hey, what's up, man? And you could tell he's like happy to actually see you. And I go, he did he, huh? And he goes, what? And I go, I gotta go. So I blew it with bill burr. I had this last night. Also Gotham Seinfeld's there. So I walk in and it's Chris Mazzilli the owner. Sure. And then he's talking to Jerry. And then there's like the security guy who's got like a gun and a rifle in his face painted camouflage. And I walk in and I got Bulger with me. Bulger's like a step behind because he's, you know, off riding

fences. So we walk in and I know Jerry's crazy and a cunt. It doesn't want to whatever be bothered and all that stuff. So I just went, Hey Chris, and then just kept walking. But Bulger stops and is like, Hey, he stopped to talk to Chris. And he's like, I did live at Gotham. He's like, yeah, yeah, damn, Bulger. I know who you are, which is unbelievable. Yeah. Missy, he's the man. And then a bulger turns his chair. He goes, Jerry Seinfeld. Wow. Big fan. Wow. And Jerry goes, thank you. And then at this point I'm at the door and I was like, I'm also a fan. Oh, did you say that? Yeah. And he's like, thank you. Oh my God. And you want to be like, we've met like nine times. I don't know the

whole thing. And then the security guys like stepping towards me and Chris is like, there I'm Chris, Missy. He's like, they're okay. Yeah. And I'm like, Oh, I just go in. But I, and I'm like, then I'm like, am I just rude? Am I an asshole? Well, you should've dropped my name. I should've, well, I mean, oh. Nah, I'm just kidding. Probably.

And then, so then, George Wallace is on stage. Oh, fun. And, yeah, so then I'm going next, and then Jerry comes in, sits down, with like his daughter, watching Wallace. So now I'm like- Wait, where are we, on on the benches on the wall? No, but like, I've stage right, but in seats.

OK, so now I'm like, is he going to sit here and watch the show? So now I'm like, I went from like fucking around to like, I guess I should look at some bits because I don't want to eat shit in front of Jerry. Of course. And now your heart rate goes up. You're like, oh, my God, I got to do a thing. But up up up. And then Wallace finishes as soon as he finishes, Jerry gets up and just zooms right out the door. And then you're like, whoo. And then you go up and you're just now you're not thinking about

anything because you're just doing another bullshit set. I rip by the set of my life. And then you're like, I wish you had stayed, but if he had stayed, I would have been like, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bite me. You know? So another near miss with Jerry. Well, what are we doing? We're in our 40s. I know Bill Burr. I have his phone number.

You've met Jerry nine times. We're both a bunch of bumbling cunts. Well, Burr is like one of us. He knows the, he's like, you get to a point where it feels peery you know sure he's like burrs like with you know Bobby and Norton these guys yeah yeah it's like Jerry like I still watch Seinfeld every single course of course like the whole our whole thing is that show. I know

Yeah, of course how I met these these breakfasts I'm freaking out the whole time bill burr is Not the core of who I am as a human being which is more obviously more Larry, but it's Jerry's name on the show He's in every episode episode. And he's got great lines. Yeah, so it's a different animal. But it's cool to hear, because you're a cool cucumber, so it's fun to see you get a little frazzled. I'm a cool cucumber. Well, yeah, I think Jerry and Larry, and also because Jerry is so known to be so-

Cutting. Cutting, yes. I was going to add an end to that. Cutting. Cutting, yes. I was going to add an end to that. You know, he can be quite a misstep. Prickly, yeah. So you're extra like, oh.

Sure, sure. But Bulger's such a space cadet, he'll just go right up to Arafat and be like, what's up, motherfucker? Like square it up with him. He was like, whoa. Big fan. I love it. Nice having Bulger in town, by the way.

Let's do some, that's the only thing everyone said. We got to do Whoa, big fan. I love it. Nice having Belgium in town, by the way. Let's do some. That's the only thing everyone said. We got to do our plugs in the middle of the show, but I'm an idiot. What do you got? Where am I? Buffalo, April fucking 20 some shit. Buffalo 25th through the 27th. I don't know when this comes out. Helium Burlington, April 12th. I think maybe that's this Friday or next Friday. I don't know. Buffalo Burlington, April 12th Buffalo April 25th to the 27th. Of course, LA April 2nd, the live pod. I mean, may 2nd

the live pod may 5th and a bunch of fucking things coming up. I mean, Atlanta, hot Atlanta punchline in June and so bad at plugging dates. Yeah. Check them all out. Go things coming up. I'm in Atlanta, Hotlanta, Punchline in June, and I'm so bad at plugging dates. Check them all out. Go to Punchuplive.com. You can go there. It says, prescribe, subscribe to my email and my YouTube. I'm putting a ton of shit on YouTube.

I just shot a little short, and lots of stuff on YouTube. Hell yeah. All right, I'm also on Punchup as well. I'm coming to Tennessee. Tickets are not moving. Coming to Minneapolis, Madison, LA, Seattle, other stuff. Coming up, marknormancomedy.com. Go to Punch Up. We got stuff on Netflix. We got stuff on YouTube. You're about to hit 10 mil by the way. You're creeping on one of your specials.

Oh, the first one. I hate myself. 10 mil. 10 million. That's a milestone, Fatty. Yeah, it's pretty good. So yeah, get on the Patreon. Best one cooking, all kinds of stuff.

Half the live episode there. We get raunchy and rowdy. And yeah, what do you got? Choo-choo. Looked up the Protect Our Parks. First one was November 2021. So it looks like you do it every two to three months. Wow. Wow.

It's like 11 and 28 months or something. Two and a half years ago. Yeah, that's wild. Just not to mention the careers. Like, you know, this is Shane. No Bud Light, no SNL, no nothing. Right. Yeah, check out my podcast. Fun Bearable. A lot of fun stuff coming up.

I just had a trip to Toronto that was really fun and we talk about it next week. And then Ray's going to Ireland, Alaska. We got a lot of funny stories. Funbearablepod.com. Funbearablepod.com. Top of the morning to you. Great town. All right.

Another one of the books. Ray Vella. Another one of the books! Brave Ella! Yamadee!