Tuesdays with Stories! - #549 Mark's Fall from Graceland

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Joe goes to Pittsburgh and tries to buy a lovely shoe for his wife. Mark goes to Memphis and cross paths with the old man himself, Ari Shaffir! The twin terrors hit Graceland! From there, Normando hits Little Rock! Joe continues his war on warts! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm... Wow! Here we are in Aurora, Illinois. Good to be back. Do-da-da-da-da Garth the other day? Oh Gomez. He's like, yeah, fucking Wayne and Garth. I'm like, it's called Wayne's world. You idiot. Wow. Yeah. Wayne and Garth kind of inclusive. He threw Garth in there. Yeah. It's nice. The title boy Dana Carvey had a run. He really did. By the way. I mean, we should talk about this off stage. I forgot to text you. Oh no. I'm nervous. What are you doing last night? You've had a big faux pas. What happened?

The food, eating the food? Well, we were talking to somebody and then you were like, how come they didn't get this other person? That was bad. I walked away, I was like, what was that? That was bad. I went home, I told my wife, she's like,

what's wrong with him? I'm like, she should call him. Yeah, well, he's playing two roles in a movie. I figure, hey, I guess that's cheaper. But this is what you don't get. He is thinking. He's like, Hey, I guess that's cheaper, but this is what you don't get. He's thinking. He's like, they think I'm better. Ah, yeah. Undercut. I undercut. That was an accident. Email, send an email, send an email, text. I was like, gee whiz. I've called him today.

I know. And this man, I mean, he's on the edge of the world already. You think? I don't really know him at all. He's in a movie. He's in a movie. Hey, I was in a movie. I want to kill myself every day. That's true, bud. This is like a real movie, but still.

There you go. It's a production. It's Hollywood. I'm looking forward to it. But yeah, that was bad. That was trouble. That was bad. Sorry, everybody.

Now, well, wait a second. You told me that later. Now I'm going in on a down swoop. All right. Let me swoop you back in. Get me back up. Yes, you look terrific. Yes. Very handsome boy.

Thank you. Well, the rain out there, it's falling, baby. Hold on. It's coming down and it's that slow drizzle, depressing, gray, cum guzzling rain. It just,kkake's. You know what it is? Low clouds.

The low, sometimes you have it rain, it's like high cloud bright, a sprinkle. This is the low cloud dark. Whoa, you're a weather guy now. Well, I'm just saying, that's what it feels like. Look, can we get the Doppler? What's a Doppler exactly? I don't know, I know a Doppleganger.

Yeah, that's a Dopple, that's a guy that looks. Yeah. But a Doppler,? I don't know. I know a Doppelganger. Yeah, that's a Doppelganger. That's a guy that looks. Yeah. Yeah, but a Doppler. That's what they say. Hey, we're gonna go to the Doppler. Beep-a-dee-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep. But then there's a guy going, there's a strong current coming in from the Northwest or whatever. And then it moves. And you always get that. There's always some smoke show ladies who are still weather whores. I know with the heels. I still, can I tell you, we talked about my porn. I'm not a big porn guy. I still am into news anchor, weather lady,

the big heel, the sports, the sideline reporter, Ali La Force and Tracy Wolfson. Are they out on the field there? They're out there, yeah, I was talking to Mr. Belichick and he said the defense is all sucking each other off in the locker room and they gotta stop being such homos. Back to you, Mr. Nance. What's said the defense is all sucking each other off in the locker room and they got to stop being such homos back To you mr. Nance. What's fun about those ladies is they're always like five foot two and so they go What do you think Durek? I know and I want to watch him fuck her

We all think that's everyone singing that in America everyone's watching that go on what if he plowed her I know and then they do I think I just smell their feet and lick the bottoms of them and have that heel right in my ass Well, I hate to bring it up because it's a little graphic But there is a Japanese porn genre of women reading the news at a desk with a little blazer on and the you know Action news whatever graphic behind them and a guy stands on the desk and jerks off next to her as she reads the news And jizzes on her. I don't know. Okay, I'll check that out. I wish she was eating her out or something. Ah, sure is that.

Does she blow, does she ever turn and blow? No, that's kind of the cool part is like she pretends nothing's happening. Yeah, all right. Well, I'll check that out. I don't know why that works, but it works. I'll give it a spin. Is it blurred? Because I know the Asian port sometimes blurred. No, the one I saw was not. I think that's Japan that does the blur. That's what you said. Oh, sorry. Well, whatever. They're Asian. All right. Send me a link and...

It's the worst level of squid game. A link of a... There you go. In the armor. I got it. DePaulo had one of the great jokes of all time with the sideline reporters. Please. If you remember, all time with the sideline reporters. Please. Remember, he said, hey, the sideline reporter goes, women, you think that men should be able to decide the abortion issue? And everyone goes, oh, boy.

He goes, why? Yeah, because we never carried a baby. And you never carried a football. Now get the fuck off the field, you cunt. That's a pretty good joke. That's a pretty damn good joke. He's got a point. I mean, that won't go over in Bushwick,

but it's a good point. No, it won't go over outside of his room, but Yeah, I got him to commit to skank fest. Whoa What I see you're gonna see Nick DePaulo at skank fest this year. Oh my god He doesn't know what he's getting into her in one building with 700 sycophants one guy's gonna go Mr. DePaulo, he's gonna go get the fuck out of here you school shooter. It's gonna be quite a. DePaulo, can I get in? He's gonna go, get the fuck outta here, you school shooter. It's gonna be quite a sight, I can't wait.

Wow, him in Vegas, that'll be quite a sight. Him with a rum and diet coke, or whatever the hell he drinks. When I started working with Nick in 06, nearly 20 years ago, he would not travel further west than Texas. We never did Seattle, LA, that's how particular this man is. Was it a flight length issue or was it a people on the West Coast issue? I think it was probably both but I think it was more the flight length. He just wanted the comfort.

Wow, you know Patrice wouldn't fly. That's wild. He was car, boat, train, whatever. I mean I think he did fly every now and then because he's like, alright I gotta get to LA sometime this month. Yeah, they went to South America to fuck hookers at one point. Oh, yeah. So he would, but just didn't.

He terrified of flying. Would avoid it. Yeah, we're lucky we don't have that. I can do my taxes. I'm conked out on a flight. Yeah, I love, well, I hate all the going through the thing. Sure. But the flight itself, send me.

I mean, you got a first class ticket with a TV in the seat and a beer and a meal and a newspaper. I mean it's 1981 but still that's a nice day. It's pretty good. I've had three flights in a row, no TV, which I should look at it three short flights in a row, which is nice. But still you're like, you want that TV you want to love it toss on a little naked gun or fucking whatever I'm such a cunt I do the Movie on podcast in I've done the same now. I have a visual stimulation of John wick And then I have the Sam Harris blowing me in the ear bone

I do the same exact thing and then on top that, I'm watching that guy's TV. I do the same thing. I got this TV over here, but I'm watching Little Mermaid, and I'm listening to Barry Weiss and shoving toys in my ass. Yeah. Yeah, I just did Pittsburgh. Oh, quit bragging. First time ever in Pittsburgh.

What? Which everyone kept saying to me, how come you never come here? But again, I opened for DePalo for years, I opened for Johnigan for years, there just wasn't a funny white guy room in Pittsburgh. Because Pittsburgh is a low key black town. Is that right?

Yes, you don't think of Pittsburgh as being black, but I think it's like 40% black or something. Oh wow. It was too much for me, I'll tell you that. I'm kidding, of course. Well, it It was too much for me, I'll tell you that. I'm kidding of course. Well it's one of those move out, there's a lot of white flight there I think. There's a lot of like suburb. That whole comedy club is out in the, it's one of those little fake towns where they put a fountain and a movie theater and they go hey this is a Munhall

P.A. You know they give it a little county name. Yes it used to be all factory but it's in Homestead. Homestead, that's it. Which is, I guess, a rough neck of the way because I looked it up and I was kind of talking about this on stage. You know, you go to Google Maps, I like to see what's going on around there and I clicked on Homestead. They got a Wikipedia, median income, $16,000. Now we're on a different planet. We're only a 45 minute flight away, but if you make $16,000. What? Now, we're on a different planet. We're only a 45 minute flight away, but if you make $16,000 a year and you live in New York, you're in the sewer. Yeah, that's a third world, I believe.

I mean, my rent is $24,000 a year. Whoa, shit. And that's a, I got a deal. Yeah. I have like a fucking great deal on a place. That is a sweet deal for that pad. I mean. I do. It's unbelievable unbelievable and I kept

jobs like you guys must have commuted in this is crazy. Yeah. And then a lady emailed me and goes hey I know you I said I was like I'm gonna buy a house like fucking Mr. Burns live on a mountain in Homestead. That's a beautiful city like that that drag over there with the the river and the little what you call it the gondola. I don't know it's a drag alright. They got river boats out there. I mean, the heart of the city is gorgeous because it was a booming steel town. Of course.

And now it's, you know, clearly, there goes the neighborhood. I watched All the Right Moves when I came back and boy, Leah Thompson's tits are really spectacular. Are they out? Oh yeah. Oh, I miss that scene. She is something else.

Yeah, you can go see Lorraine Baines McFly's tits. Wow. It's pretty exciting. She was like a girl next door, something to snack on. She's like maybe my number one all time. Come on. She really is. Well, you got factoring in the crush, the film.

She's Lorraine. Yes. You know, and then you see her in the dress. And then as a kid kid when I was obsessed with back to the future then you watch all the right moves and your fucking top blows off it's unbelievable and fun film it's a little retarded but whatever I didn't know that was Pittsburgh oh yeah big steel bullshit Chris Penn who's it's also hilarious you watch movies from the 80s you're like Chris Penn's like I got a full ride to USC he's like 5'9 he's like

he's Tom Cruise's height but he was also in Footloose yes he's the worst dancer on the planet he was hot I mean Chris Penn I mean sexy I mean like career hot yes he had a moment him and his bro I mean Spicoli is one of the best roles ever absolutely Shawnee that guy seems insufferable. Worst hang on the planet. He's out in Katrina in a canoe with a shotgun. I'm like, get out of here, Penn. It's not mightier than the sword.

Can you imagine Sean Penn listening to our podcast? I mean, forget about it. Penn Station. Anyways, went out to Pittsburgh. Oh, this lady emailed me though. She's like, you're probably joking, but just so you know, my husband and I just bought a house down the street from Homestead in Duquesne, which I think was in the tournament. And she's like, we bought it for $60,000. Wow. And she goes, our mortgage is 300 bucks. We split it. Wow. They pay 150 bucks in America for a mortgage. I might move to Pittsburgh, this is my new thing. I don't mind Pittsburgh, I'll visit.

I'm going to Pittsburgh, I'm gonna live on a hill and go to the Pirates games. 150 bucks. You know what's hilarious is I was reading some comments, unfortunately, and one guy goes, can't wait for the next pod, I wonder where Joe's moving today. Well, it's Pittsburgh, it's Pittsburgh, PA.

You can throw a fucking dart at a globe and you never know, you might move there. $300 bucks for a mortgage. He's going to Lisbon. I could go buy a house in cash. Here you go. Give me the house. Yeah, you could. There's a comedy club there now. You're in. I can beat it. This is my house.

But very exciting. $300 bucks. There you go. Good for her. I mean, can the neighborhood be that bad? It can't be great. That for her. I mean can the neighborhood be that bad It can't be great. That's true. I mean, I'm not it's like a minor You know, they're miners and blue-collar like shithole people and it's illegal to fuck miners. So that's kind of annoying Yeah, 60 grand $300 a month the houses I look at to stay near here, the mortgage is $5,900 a month. Right, right, of course.

Yeah, it's crazy. So Pittsburgh might be the next boom town. You know what's crazy? You go to these old towns like Syracuse or Rochester that had some real money coming in. It's like, this was a school, that was a university, that was this, that was a skyscraper. And it's like Detroit, and it's all just empty and rotten.

I know. It's wild how high something can go. I mean, America's like that. Yeah, it's rough. I mean, people, you drive, we travel a lot, the most, and you go to these towns and you're like, this is not pretty. Not pretty, but at one point, if you just pop your eyeballs back to 1966, it was like, beep beep, bus going by.

How are you doing, Mr. Johnson? Hey, hey, milkman and all that shit. And it was just booming and clean and pretty. I think we sent the jobs overseas. I think you're right. We don't make anything. Yeah, we don't make anything. We're all fat.

Everybody's in, what do you call it, the service industry now. It's only, we make cocktails instead of steel. Service industry, I mean, talk about, it's influencers. Everybody's, hey, I wanna be JLo or Kim K or Lizzo or whatever the fuck it is. And we're all tap dancing and showing our camel toe in a twerk video in yoga pants. I know, it's brutal, we're all gonna die.

But it's a hell of a town, Pittsburgh. Oh yeah. Good time. Good time, good people, go Penguins. Yeah, had a heck of a weekend there. For the first time ever, the people showed up, a lot of Tuesdays, I got some of the best gifts I've ever got.

Really? People were like. Do tell. I mean, first of all, I bumped into, it's all outdoor mall there. Yes, yes, fake town. Which you know that old saying, if you spend enough time at a barbershop,

you're gonna get a haircut. I don't, but I like it. Well, we say that in sobriety circles. Like you shouldn't be hanging out at the bar too much, because eventually you'll get a drink. Yeah, that happened to me at a gay bar. I hung out just a little too long. But I think people say it out

in different circumstances like that. Yeah. You know, you hang out at a football game You're gonna fuck a cheerleader or whatever So that's the mall you go to the mall and you walk around an outdoor mall every day Eventually, you're like, I guess I'll buy a bunch of shit. Yeah I do need a new pen that writes upside down. So I had well I I was good I've proactive I walked by a sneaker store 11 times, I said,

I'm gonna get my wife a new pair of running sneakers. What a hubby. So I went in there to some running store called Not Fleet Feet, some other store. Flight, flight? Come on my feet. And you ever do that? You end up coming on to fight the feet? No, no. What the feet chopped off like a ISIS torture. I think I've just got a point where I just want to come on anything now. Well, that I get. Let me try the feet. Let me try the elbow.

Sure, don't come in a fan. Wait a minute. I'm talking about oscillating. Oh, all I want to do is come in a fan. Yeah, that would be fun. Yeah, Go Pack Joe came by and he was looking pretty good. I did see Go Pack Joe. What a guy. I love that guy. Nice smile, ear to ear. Yeah, Go Pack Joe came by and he was looking pretty good. Ha ha ha ha. I did see Go Pack Joe, what a guy. Love that guy, nice smile ear to ear.

Yeah, he's always nice. He drove two and a half hours both ways. Sweet kid. Good guy. Pack Joe. But I went to the sneaker store, and don't you hate this when you go, and Louie had a bit about this,

when you get to the hotel and they're like, the bathroom is down here, the gym is over there, we have bread, you just wanna go, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, give me the key. Of course. So I go there, I go, hey, let me see this shoe. You got the shoe is down here, the gym is over there, we have bread, you just wanna go, ay, ay, ay, ay, don't give a fuck, just give me the key. Of course. So I go there, I go, hey, let me see this shoe, you got this shoe in a seven, the guy's like, you realize it's a woman's shoe?

And I'm like, yes, I know, it's pink, it's little, yes. I wear women's shoes, I don't give a fuck. You turn around, the other one's up your ass. And I get it because people are dumb, but it's like, it says women, it's next to the bras, it's pink, it's this big. I'm like, I know it's a woman's shoe. I'm a good husband. Yes. I'm wearing a dress, paint on mine. So then I had that thing where he comes out and with Matt Wayne, he comes out and he goes, okay, good news and bad news. I just

want to go, don't stop talking. It didn't work out. I agree. He goes, we don't have him in style, but you got two options and I'm like, oh, that's okay. I try to cut them off at the best, but he wants to say, he's like, we got a store 35 miles from here. I go, I don't have a car. That's okay. He goes, well, we can order it for you. I go, yeah, it's okay. I'm just passing through. I don't live here. And the guy's like this. Don't be mad at me. You don't have. I just wanted to buy a shoe and leave. I'm giving you less work if we're being clear, being honest. I was saying this exactly this week into my opener, Sean Murphy, the hotel check-in is

the most antiquated thing since Wooden Dildos. What are we doing here? Okay, so what room, what'd you say, Norman? I'm like, I should be able to go beep, there's my itinerary or my barcode key pops out of a little doohickey and I go upstairs. I absolutely agree. I'll find the room, I'll find the breakfast, I'll find the bathroom. I know how to do it. But you forget for every genius high IQ man like us, for every Alpha, there's a bunch of fucking dumb beta Down syndrome fat assholes. Yeah, but what does that do with beta?

Well, I just thought it'd be funny to call us Alphas. Oh, okay, okay, sorry. That is funny. It's a bunch of fucking queefs that are like, can you tell me where the breakfast is? You know what I mean? So they do it for them. And it's the same with the shoe. They've had 3,800 fucking assholes come back and be like, you sold me women's shoes. And they're like, well, they're pink with fucking bubbles on the side, you fucking asshole.

Exactly. Well, it's on me too because the fucking airplane, they do the security and I go beep, boop, movie, fuck you. I got an iPad, a book, and a monitor open. I'm doing my taxes, I'm doing the stock market. This lady's going and then she has the thing where the drops down, the mouth thing, the air thing. And she's like, and then this and the exit, that. If that plane, I've been on nine million planes in my life.

If that plane went down, I'd go, what are we doing? What's the move? I didn't listen, I never listened. But don't you think with that, that we've been on so many flights, I think it's seeped in. I hope it's seeped. Because you have heard it a million times.

The nearest exit maybe behind you. Put your mask on before helping others Yes, you're never gonna help someone else. No don't fizzle fiddle Twerk twerk tweak or touch the metal detector the smoke detector. Yeah, so you've heard it the same way I ignore, but it's it's seeping in I hope it's safe It's just like when your wife says I love you or whatever Eventually, you're like, ah, she said it once. I yeah the n-word too. Yeah, absolutely. My wife loves it She's from Africa. Yeah mine likes it in bed, but so

I'm walking to the mall Matt Wayne hilarious good buddy special coming out soon. We're walking and We're just yapping. Yeah, oh, I was on the phone. That's what it was. I got a phone call. I was talking to Derek on the phone, catching up. So I got the airpods walking next to me. And then he's like, Hey, this person's recognizing you. Yeah. So I went, Oh, Hey, but I'm making plans at the time. I appreciate the fandom, but I'm like, all right, so book your flight April 30th. We got the house. And I'm like, what? And then the guy's like, hey, I got you a present.

We got some stuff for you. So I'm like, Derek, I gotta call you back. So for a moment, we stop in the crosswalk because I'm on the phone. You don't like crosswalk. This person's yelling. So I go, what? Oh, here I come.

And then this guy rolls down his window. He starts yelling. And I just thought, maybe this guy recognizes me too. So I wave at that guy. I got one guy in my ear on the phone, one guy talking to me in person, then a new guy yelling, hey, hold on, my wife's grabbing your present. And then this guy goes, hey, what the fuck? So I think I'm like, I'm waving to him like, boy, I'm getting, I'm getting swarmed. I'm like spinal tap.

He's yelling at you, get out of the way. You're like, two's gay. That's exactly what happened. So I go, OK, so then we come off the sidewalk and we walk to the sidewalk and these people bring the nicest gifts, a bunch of old Pearl Jam stickers, some vintage stuff, a pin. They love you, Fetty. So thoughtful and kind. And then this guy, he's still over here.

And he goes, yeah, hey, what you guys, and I go, wait, what? I still think he's recognizing me. I'm like, I'll be with you in a moment. And the guy goes, how about you take the pow wow out of the road? Ah. Which I don't care for pow wow. I don't mind, it's a Native American flair.

It wasn't so pow wow, we're just chatting. Woo woo woo woo. So I look at pow wow his ass. There we go. And I go, I look at him and we have a moment of staring and I go, I pointed because now I'm on the sidewalk. He has the whole road open. I'm like, I'm on the sidewalk. And he goes, yeah, well, okay. And I'm like, what? I don't get it. Like, look, like you have the open, which I understand probably for a second, I was in front of his car

and I feel bad. And it was me, I'd be talking about, I'd be telling the story from that perspective. Sure, sure. But I'm like, you can't be in that big of a hurry. Yes. You're still sitting here trying to say your powwow line, and meanwhile, the road is totally free. Right, right.

So, scooch away. Keep scooching, fatty. Yeah, no, you got a point there. So I hated him, but they brought some nice gifts, and then these other couple came, and they made, what do you call it, customized coaster, a Joe List, like on a slate. You know that chalkboard-y slate?

Yeah, I like the chalk. It had a Joe List emblem on it, and then he made some regs, customized coasters. Gee, this is a fan and a half. Unbelievable, so thank you very much to the fans. And I guess I'll take the pow wow off out of the street. Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, got to do it.

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I got called up to the big leagues. I'm going psychiatrist after this. You'll learn positive coping skills, coping skills also, how to set boundaries and how to be the best version of yourself. It isn't just for people with major trauma. Whatever you're going through, BetterHelp is there for you. Mark, you love this thing. Love BetterHelp. You see, therapy is great. It's necessary. We all love it, but you got to leave the house.

You got to get in the car, the subway. That kills you, and it's all this time management scheduling. This is on a Zoom, a laptop, a phone. You can knock it out at home. You don't have to go out to the scary world. So very convenient. I'm a fan. Get on it. BetterHelp is 100% online. As soon as you're scheduled, just fill out a quick questionnaire to get matched with the licensed therapist and you'll be on your way. You can even switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Tuesdays to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Tuesdays.

Get on it folks. But yeah, that was fun. I don't know, I got more, but let me shove it over to you. Well Pittsburgh's fun and that is a big room out there, so I'm glad you sold some Tiki. Yeah, early shows sold out and second shows ended up being pretty decent. They were more than half foe. I'd say 60, 65% sold about, oh, about 1200 tickets, which is not bad. Hey, that's great. That's a theater. These comedy clubs, they pay about, you know, the median income of Homestead. So it's a nice weekend. So thanks and I'll be back. And David tells her this

week and they were like, we think we fucked you. Yeah. We booked you back to back with the tell. And I'm like, ah, I think it's fine. Yeah. Well, you got to book me sometime. But I will say this. I had three different people and this is a weird thing with comedy. They go, Oh my God, Joel, can I take a photo? And they're shaking. Oh, you go. Hey, so what show you're coming to? No, no show. Yeah, you're not coming to show. I guess they make 14 grand a year. That probably is it. But you're like, oh, maybe they just love the podcast.

But this is also mind blowing. I feel like I'm talking too much. I'm all good. But I'm all jacked up. I think a lot of these podcast fans, they never even watched it. I was just talking to Soder. Soder said he has multiple comments in his YouTube. They're like, damn, Soder is a jacked up. I think a lot of these podcast fans, they never even watched it. I was just talking to Soder. Soder said he has multiple comments on his YouTube. They're like, damn, Soder's a good standup. I had no idea.

Love the butt, crackle, crackle. And the same with Foley and Kevin Ryan. Right. I think people, we thought we were doing podcasts to bring people to comedy shows, but I think a lot of people are like, I don't give a fuck about standup. Yeah, well, you know, it's harder to watch.

It's less fluid. It's less natural. But it is an art and it's our number one. You got to remember we are podcasts. But I do think, especially in LA, a lot of guys were podcasts first. Right. Stand-up second. And we want to come clean and say we're not that.

I mean, most people, they turn the shit off when we start promoting dates. That's true. I know I do. and then I got this I got the comment today on a YouTube, please All ease come to Erie or Pittsburgh. They got the double whammy I'm like, this has got to be a joke. So everyone shits on us for talking about email list punch up live Get on the email list and Sarah just read an article punch up live get on it That said if you feel like you're promoting Your dates too much keep going because they're not seeing it. Whoa

We think about your insta stories. I mean what percentage of your followers are Right reading your insta stories. I have a million followers ten thousand people see my story. I check I think that's one Or is that less than one percent less because it's actually 1.2 million Yeah, so that's that's is that less than 1%? Less, because it's actually 1.2 million. Yeah, so that's crazy. I mean, 1% are seeing the Insta story, because we think, oh, Insta story, someone will see it. And so yeah, they're like, you're not promoting enough.

Well, you see guys like Burt with his shirt off and a banana hammock and roller skates, and you're like, jeez, this guy's really selling his soul out here, but he's doing arenas. So it does work. I told you Danny Frankel was like Norman's a retard. I'm a tard. I was like what are you talking about the guy's selling out two beacons he's like he should be selling out three gardens he's a moron. Ah

well I also don't want to shove it down these queefs throat you know you don't want to bother everybody. Believe me that's why you know I don't sell tickets. I like to keep it low key. Yeah, like the same old G. But all right, well you wanna talk tough towns. Yes I do. I was in the top five crime and murder cap. Wow. Take a guess. Let me take a guess.

I mean I knew where you were so I'll say. C-U-M-P-T-O-N, Compton? No, no, no, not that far west. Said. Oh you already know. Yeah, why don't you just say it. N-P-T-O-N? Compton? No, no, no, not that far west. Said? Oh, you already know. Yeah, I wanted to say. All right, well, this is silly. Well, we communicate.

Okay, that's true. So I'm in the big Memphis. Memphis, Tennessee. Woo-wee! Boy, Memphis, Tennessee, you got Nashville, which everybody loves. It's a big comedy hub now. You know, Theo Vaughn, Nate, the other guy.

I don't care for it. And then, all the way on the other side of that popsicle stick is Memphis and the whole other world over there absolutely there's a lot of green between those two cities yeah you're almost in Arkansas that's right yeah West Memphis is in Arkansas which blew my mind whoa West Memphis three you know the murder yes yes Arkansas We're confusing It's kind of like Kansas City, Kansas and then Kansas City, Missouri and then East st. Louis is in Illinois What the hell are we doing? It's wonko bonko out there. All right. Well either way I'm in Memphis Which is a cool ass town and it's it's gotten fucked with the crime and the drugs and the shootings and the whole thing

But it is a kill. I mean they got Beale Street they got Graceland they got some other stuff I can't think of but it's like blues was invented there BB King Sun Studio that was the other thing that's amazing it's a fucking killer town and full of history full of music and you know Jerry Lee Lewis and Johnny Cash, all this shit. It's killer, but it's just kind of fizzling away as this cool town because of the crime.

Jesus. It's sad. It's a great American city, but the crime, it's one of those cities where you're taking photos with people after the show, they're like, you should leave now. Get out of this area. And you're like, wow, this is like a strip, it's a street.

I hate the, if I get a warning, I'm like, you've ruined my life. It was all warnings. I opened the show by going, boy, a lot of crime here. He knows us so well, you know, that whole thing. So me and Sean Murphy, we do the Minglewood Hall, and it was a killer venue right in the heart of the city and great people out there, rowdy, fun loving, good times, but when I landed at 2 and Ari, you know you land, you check your text, going, I got a reservation at Graceland for 4 and

your first thought is, I'm landing at 2, I gotta get a rental car, I gotta check into the hotel, I gotta shower, I gotta jerk off, I gotta to get a rental car I got a check into the hotel I got a shower I got a jerk-off I got you know whatever take a shit and shave I'm skipping it it's a little tight you know what they're getting off the plane the rental the whole thing wait back it up back it up you're just skipping over why the fuck is Ari Shafir also in Memphis oh what the hell's going on here horrible routing we have the same management by the way and he got put in Why the fuck is Ari Shaffir also in Memphis? What the hell's going on here? Horrible routing. We have the same management, by the way. And he got put in Memphis.

He's on a bus tour. So the routing just matched up. He sold shit. I sold shit. We split our crowds. We've got fucked. We fucked ourselves and we yelled at our agents together. Wow.

So he's the same night. Same night across town. Oh, this is appalling. Appalling, horrible. I mean, we're, it's, half protect our parks is in Memphis. That's insane. I know. Oh. Get it, get it together there, Jews. Come on. So, Ahri's in Memphis with Colin Tyrell on the tour bus, his girlfriend, and O'Neil. Wow, that's a good group. Good group. I don't know O'Neil, but I feel like I'd get along swimmingly with O'Neil.

Oh, you would love O'Neil. Dark, funny, sniper. Funny as hell, not on, nice. Everything I've heard about this man, I think we would sync up. Great egg, big sport guy, good dude. Wow. Also, tried to fight Lewis.

Did fight Lewis. Did fight Lewis, which you gotta respect that. Absolutely, I thought he that. Absolutely. I thought he was going to win. I thought he was because he was like this black belty thing. That was the last time I bet against Lewis ever. Yeah. Well, he was he tired out. You know, that he didn't do the cardio. But hey, I wouldn't get in the pit with a rattlesnake. I'll tell you that. No, I sparred with him for 30 seconds. It was the worst mistake ever made. Yeah. Yeah. It was horrible. I'd like to hear that story.

It's a good story. Okay, so we're in Memphis and I'm at the hotel and I go, I text Ari, because he's kinda like, what are you, you comin' or not? I got us a reservation, a house tour of Graceland. We're gonna go in Elvis's house. Wow. And you're like, I'm tired, I'm wet, I'm gay.

I don't wanna go, I'm goin'! Let's go, come on! Every time I've had that feeling, I think it's better to just go. Absolutely. Even though I skipped the cellar party last night. Me too, but we had a great hang last night. We had a great hang, and that was all I needed.

I got an in. Terrific hang, absolutely. We had dinner with a good, good, small female friend. Good group, gonna call that guy today that I undercut. You really ruined that guy's life, but boy! That was bad. What a great hang that was with that little lady. God! Alright, so I go to Graceland, Ari's there with his crew, and I gotta tell ya, this,

if you can get a chance of going inside this house, it is totally worth it. I gotta get there, I've always wanted to go to Memphis, another town like Pittsburgh. Nobody's hitting Memphis. Not really, no. Other than you and Ari on the same night. That's true. We got it all in one night and it was a mistake. But Graceland is magical. It's like a blast from the past. First of all, you get there. There's a big stone fence and the stone fence is covered with signatures from girls. I love you Elvis, oh big heart Elvis, hound dog, rock me, whatever. And so we ride in the big cul-de-sac driveway, cool house, and you get in there, she opens the door, every room is a different theme.

There's a jungle room, a Hawaii room, a TV room. He had a TV in every room in the house. He was kind of ahead of his time. Wow. And this room is all yellow and there's a different animal in every room. So it had stained glass peacocks and then this room has a big-ass tiger and this room has a big-ass squid or whatever and it's he's like the first rapper. He lived with his mom. His mom lived upstairs. Right. He's gaudy, he's got a jumbo jet outside. It's like an old 50s jet, it looks crazy.

And he was fucking underage girls. Fucking underage white chicks and was shooting up the place. Wow. We went to his play, he had a playground for his daughter and the slide has a bullet hole in it. Seriously? Yeah, yeah, no joke. I mean this is, it's like another time. I mean it literally is another time, but it's just like freedom. He has horses. He's got a go kart ring. He's got a racquetball court.

He's got a house for his guns. Wow. He loved guns. You think not rapper easy was a big fan of the police. Me too. Well, they cashed. They kept giving him badges because they're like, we love you. You're the most famous guy here. You're part of the police force. So he's a part of the police force in like 38 cities.

And he would pull people over. Really? As a goof. Yeah, like, oh, you're going a little fast there, brother. Thank you very much. I fucking love Elvis. Elvis is the man. He's the king.

He is the king, yes. You know, John Lennon said, before anybody did anything, Elvis did everything. What? Which people don't care for, because he stole all this stuff from the blacks. He put some blacks in front of that. You say that quote around black people and they're going to, they're very upset with you.

Yeah. He kind of, he kind of a beavered it. You know, he made it acceptable for the honkeys. Right. But man, he was a handsome son of a bitch, blonde. He's a blonde guy. He died that black. Get out of here. Come on. He thought it was cooler black hair. No kidding. We should try that. From Tupelo, Mississippi, he's a twin, his brother's stillborn. Yes, I knew that from the HBO doc, which is amazing. But then

he mentioned the blonde. And his mother looks exactly like Rosie O'Donnell, it's shocking. Wildly similar, uncanny even. He had a TV in every room, he had a phone in every room, just gaudy as hell. I mean, I have some photos if you want to see, I'll put them on the Patreon if you want. I'm just snapping like crazy because I'm like this is a wild room all his guns are insane. We got to his pool. He died at 48 No, 42. He died young younger. Yeah. Well, he died in 77 right 77 I think it was 77. He was on a good amount of pills. All pills.

Couldn't sleep. Three shows a night, by the way. He was an animal. I think he was like four. I'm going to guess 43. I'll go to 42. 42. OK. Wow. All right. Yeah. And he said, went to the dentist. Is that what happened? Went to the dentist, this is how it happened, went to the dentist, came home, goes out, my teeth hurt, tried to sleep, couldn't sleep,

got on the piano, couldn't sleep, three in the morning, 3.30 in the morning, calls his friend up and he goes, hey, let's play racquetball, I can't sleep. And you know, you're always his friend, you're kind of on call. So the guy gets his fat ass up, they go play racquetball, they play till like seven in the morning,

he goes into bed, dies. No, toilet. God on the toilet, yeah, heart something. God damn. Yeah, 42, he worked himself to death and he was on some pills, barely drank, just, you know, he worked him like a dog. God damn. Pound dog.

I'm about to be 42. I am 42 at the time of hearing this. Have you seen that photo of George Costanza? This is what a 29 year old looked like in 1991 and then it's next to Timothy Shalamu who's 29. Oh wow. Wow, that is also Jerry picking, of course. Of course, of course Jerry picking. By the way, I was just texting Matt Wayne. I'm watching the Hamptons episode. It's crazy. I talk about this all the time. It's crazy that there was like fat jokes George is like in great shape when he wears the shrinkin shirt. He's like look at this and shrank. Oh, yeah, he's like ripped Pull it up pull up Hampton's sure meaty. He's sturdy. He's not ripped by me I'm exaggerating for comedic effect, but he's it's not fat

He has no biceps and they also show him in shorts and he's got like defined. Yeah, just standing there He's not like jumping up and down. He does have good cause just standing. He's like calves and quads. He's got a shirt It's like it's fitted around his bicep Wow, like he's a strong guy Yeah, and they show him shirtless in the show and it's not it's like smooth. It's not like fucking like What do you call that? in the show and it's not it's like smooth it's not like fucking like what do you call that? Blubber? Cheddar cheese? The fucking cellulite? Cellulite yeah he's just like he's in better shape than one of the people in this room like there's like fat body, porgy, poachy, fat George. I will say there's a one scene in that

movie where he's like I was in the pool and his tits shake. He's got some tits. He's got some tits. He's got some tits, but they're not like, you see some tits that are tits. It's an A cup. There's a full, like you can lift the tits. Yes, yes.

He can't lift, they're nice tits. Yeah, they're good tits. You find that Shrinken shirt? The Burk- I've seen it, I believe it. He looks good in it. But you got to really pop it in here and everyone. Yeah, I think he had a thing about him. I think women were kinda into him.

Nah, I don't know. Nah, maybe I'm throwing that out there. He had an aura. I guess so. Okay, but Graceland, totally worth it, so cool. And they kept that fucker in pristine shape and you know his mom's grave is up by the pool, his dad's grave is by the pool, his grave is by the pool, it's pretty depressing. That's weird, would you do that? I wouldn't

want to swim past my dead old parents. Of course not. Well his mom outlived him. Is that right? Yeah I think so. Oh I thought there was a part of the dock that he was like all heartbroken because his mother died. Did make that up somebody outlived his ass and I can't I can't I could be making this up Well, I thought there's a part his mom died and he was like I can't go on but maybe I'm thinking of someone different maybe maybe they get a chuck but it's a sad ending and I Left there went right to the show and I was beaming from from the experience. And then our tour guy was so great, she was this cute little lady who was like obsessed with Elvis, you know, every fact,

I had a million questions, and I go, this is a great tour, how do we hook this up? And she goes, yeah, this is $3,500. Wow. I was like, what, a total? She goes, no, a piece. What? Because we're going through the house

and they shut it down for the rest of the tours. I was wondering that. So I was like, how the fuck do it, Ari, do I owe you money? Goes, now they hooked it up. Wow. So they hooked up Ari. No kidding. Wow, he's quite charming, Ari. I did a joke, a couple of underage girl jokes, and she had to be like, enough's enough. Wow. You get two. You're in the holy Trinity here. You can't be fucking around. I was like, okay.

Well, back then it was fun. It was all fun and games. You groomed and fucked a child and that was fun. Yes. Yes. It was normal. He was married and he was a pop icon. Everybody loved it. Did you watch Priscilla? Except for her. She hated it. I heard it was pretty sad. But I asked her about that. She was like, that movie's way inaccurate. They overdid it. They made her more of a victim. It's all bullshit. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Her words. Uh, so yeah, we had a great time and then the show was great. And then I got my rental car the next day. Being Sean drove to Little Rock. Speaking

of George Costanza, remember that? That was a later season when he's the tourists. Where are you from? Little Rock Arkansas. Oh, Little Rock Arkansas. Yeah, perfect choice. By the way, the Little Rock Nine, that's what they're famous for, the black kids who integrated Little Rock. Yeah, Bill Clinton, of course, the white P. Diddy. And Bill Hicks died in Arkansas. Fun fact. Billy Bob Thornton from there. And I believe Johnny Cash. So Arkansas's got a couple of nuggets. Hicks died in Arkansas. Give it a go. No kidding. Pretty sure yeah. I thought he went. So did I. I'm just remembering everything I

stink. Yeah. So how was Little Rock? That's another town. Great. Yeah. I mean we did we picked a room that was way too big. It was like, uh, it was one of those rooms where I walk out and I go, how are tickets? They go, not great. And I go close that balcony. There was three balconies. I was like, close that one. Jesus. So we closed the black balcony and, uh, the crowd was great. Although I had a mishap with these theaters are all designed. Whack a do. It's like a, it's like a convention center kind of thing. and they go, meet me at the back gate by the loading dock, knock three times and say a racial slur, and you go, okay, and I couldn't find

the back gate, so I just go, fuck it, I'm walking in, and I'm just, so I walk in, everyone goes, there he is! It was like The Beatles, I was like, huh, huh, huh, and I had to like duck and roll, I was tumbling, I did like a stiff arm on a lady and you do one photo You got to take 40. I know and I said, I'm sorry I'll be right with you and I'm like pulling on doors and they're all locked It was bad and then eventually some fat guy had a blazer was like beep and he got me in so I just ran through

The the showroom jumped on stage and a barrel roll. I went to the back Well, all these gigs are hard because it's like, you know, you were doing well But no one in the fucking doorman know who the fuck you are. Exactly. Exactly. I think like bands, they show up in a limit. There's six of them. So it's like, Oh, there's six guys here with tight pants. He has some guitars. It's just an asshole with new balance. Hey, get the fuck out of here. I got that. The improv, they were like, taste me. I know. They're like, you have your ticket, fuck out of here. I got that the improv they were like taste me I know like you have your ticket you piece of shit, and I'm like my face is on the thing I think with the black lady at the door

She's got the blazer on and she goes who are you and I go that's me and I'm pointing to a poster of me On the door she goes she gave me the Larry David she goes Every single time they've done it throughout the history show I show, I'm like, oh, I hate this. It's a little long. It is long. But I do like a reoccurring gag. I like a gag. Yeah.

Pretty, pretty good. You know, just something to cement the show. I don't know. It's fun. I like this season. Great season. That last ep was a banger. How about Bruce?

He's not an actor, but he held his own. I thought he was great. I mean, forget about it. I fainted. I mean, those are the two most important men in my life. And I shit my pants and ate it. It was beautiful. Yeah.

How about that? I mean, what a weird crossover. No one saw it coming. I mean, literally, it's like my, this is the formation of my being together at last. And I thought they were great. They were hilarious. I mean, when Bruce said, I didn't know you were a floor fucker. Sarah fell over. Floor fuckers funny floor fucker. How about a fucking Leon? He goes, she goes, Larry, you're going to get me too.

And he goes, I had a threesome once it got hairy. It was a week to so many Joe Leon is rolling on this. He's very funny and it's a good season. They're going out well and RIP Larry. Maybe you gotta edit this but it's kind of a he's laughing in the face of me too because he's basically saying like this woman is traumatized I'll get her a gift and it'll go away. So basically you're saying this isn't real. Right right. He's made fun of it quite a bit. I mean he did the thing where they have to videotape him getting permission and all that stuff. Oh that's right. Chuck what's fun of it quite a bit. I mean he did the thing where they have to videotape him getting permission and all that stuff. Oh, that's right. That's right. Chuck, what's the matter? You're looking distressed. Oh, okay. You reach for the camera. I got nervous. I think you started chewing your finger.

About myself. Yeah, you beat me to it. But yeah, all's well that ends well then me, Sean, and my tour manager Paul. We flew in on the same flight together. All got first class, which was a nice feeling. Nobody's left out because it's Little Rock, so everybody got bumped up. We land on Easter Sunday, wife's out of town with her family, Sean's girl is at a whatever anime convention and Paul's a loser. So I go, let's all eat at the lounge. For Easter Sunday, we all went to the lounge on the landing and had a nice LaGuardia meal. Oh, that's fun. It was a funny holiday because I flew back Sunday as well from Pittsburgh

and I walked out. There was nobody in the airport. I was just waiting. There's a lift just waiting there for me. I was home in 11 minutes and I'm like, thank God all these people think Jesus came back to life. This is beautiful. Yeah, well, it's trans visibility day for me. It was fantastic. And yeah, Easter Sunday fucking rules. I was like Googling how long it would take to drive to all these places I want to live. And I was like, this isn't bad.

It's not bad. Yeah. Thank you, Jesus. And called the folks. You got to do the call. I was like, remember when we had eggs in the 80s? Yeah, yeah, it was nice. I have no footage of me as a child.

Video footage is unheard of. Maybe a photo here and there that's been, you know, Katrina'd out, it's got mold on it, but I watched the Steve Martin doc. I had a great Sunday decompress. I watched Steve Martin doc all four hours of it and I watched Curb and I was just like the wife's out of town underwear. I'm not leaving this fucking couch and it was great Yeah, it's a good feeling. That's why the road is nice. I'm all sports all day. It's so fun

But that's Steve Martin doc is really something else Unreal. I mean I was I was like glued to the TV. I wept when his mom showed up. She goes, they really love you. I fucking lost it. Cause they had all the arrows in the head. It was really, really great. I highly recommend and. That was at 824.

Oh yeah. Yeah, they're cooking. 824. Now what do you got? Sorry, I've been hogging. All right, I got a few things here. I got to get into, oh, we went to the movies and the fire alarm went off. That was pretty wild. Whoa, you don a few things here. I gotta get into, oh, we went to the movies and the fire alarm went off.

That was pretty wild. That was pretty wild. You don't see that anymore. You're like 11 minutes into the movie, we saw this new Liam Neeson. He's an iron, he's a hit man. It's like a western, it's very Clint Eastwood. It's pretty fun.

Okay. In the land of saints and sinners. I see, well, he's really going hard in action. These old honky movie stars love to lean in and go hey I'm not dead yet, bitch. I can still get it up, but this wasn't too action II was more like an Irish drama Thing okay, and it was pretty fun. You know it was like a little cliche and fun, but You know you had a good time, but we're like 14 minutes in all of a sudden boop boop boop And it's funny how fire alarms nobody gives

a like there was no panic in anybody I'm like yeah ah shit right I guess we gotta go so then it's kind of fun you start leaving then like the whole theater it feels like no one's there but there's actually a thousand people there we all file out onto the sidewalk it's kind of fun multiple people were like Joe. And that's like a little group around you, which is fun. That's great. And then you're like, how long is this fire alarm going to last? You have your start to be like, and anyway, cause like, it's like a 12 minute hang. Right. And you want to see either, I want to see the building crumbling with flames all around it or let me back in or shooting anything. Give me some action. Yeah action yeah so everyone's kind of sitting

around and they hand out the the tickets the free passes which is nice but I'll never remember it's like project what they call it object impermanence what's that you got like a free pass unless I tape it on my forehead I'm never gonna be like out and about be like oh let me go find my free pass free pass to what to the move to another movie Yes, I see fire alarm So then we wait out there for about 20 minutes 20 minute rain delay and they go. Okay everybody back in we fixed it We go back into the theater. They start the film from the beginning

So now you're like I gotta rewatch this fucking 20 minutes of this stupid movie that's no bueno, but It was actually fun because now we can discuss the first app. I was like, don't you think this part was weird? And so now we're just having a conversation, which is nice. And then you get to the other part pretty quick after. And then we watched the movie. It was fun. And we went to movies two days in a row. It felt so old school.

I never get to go. I have the baby, and then we're busy. So it was fun to like, it felt like an accomplishment to be like, we're going to the movies two days in a row, we're gonna enjoy it. Hell yeah. It was fun. What was the second?

Late Night with the Devil, which I was extremely disappointed in. I've never heard of it. It's a horror movie. It's supposed to be a horror movie, but nothing horrible happens. It's fucking, I thought it was slow and we hated it, but it's got like 93 percent rotten tomatoes

I couldn't believe it. There's a woman in a wheelchair save the day or something. Is that what it is? It's all it's it's all pipes. This guy is supposed to be competing with Johnny Carson Well, it's like a 70s thing and one night the devil comes And I was all pumped for it and I just thought it was the boringest piece of shit I ever saw. Not a piece of shit, but I thought it was boring. Anybody in it? Yeah, the guy's name. I don't know how to say his name,

but he's the crazy guy in Prisoners, and he's also a crazy guy in Batman. You'd know if you saw it. And he's good. But anyways, that was fun. And then, oh fuck. Oh god, I don't know what to tell first. But anyways that was fun and then oh Fuck oh God, I don't know what to tell first. So this war I got this war on my foot. I talked about it Yes, yes going to doctor. I don't want to say her name, but the hot doctor hot foot doc now

This is where Americans medical system is all wonky and wacky. Yes, really wonky So when I first went there she goes, well we can do the blast off, we shoot you with the thing, it's painful, it'll suck, but that's the best way. She goes, there's a cream, but a lot of people aren't good at putting the cream on. They forget to put the cream on. You're good with cream. I'm great with cream. So she goes, and it also kills the skin around the wart, so we don't love this method. Cream corn. I go, okay. So as everyone knows for nine months now, every three weeks, four weeks I go and they

shoot fucking nitrogen asshole under my tits. Wow. You're like T 1000. It burns Jerry. Yes. Yes. It hurts. And then there's a big burn mark. It hurts to walk and no movement. So finally after eight months she goes, I go, this is crazy. I mean like it's ruining my life here and I've been coming here for a year. I like seeing your face. You're very lovely. But what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. What am I paying for? She goes, why don't we try the cream? We'll do both. We'll double attack it. Good band. The cream comes. So the cream comes, read the email, it says put it on once a night, you piece of shit, cover it, wash it off the next day, leave it away from the skin. And then she said,

keep it away from the baby, the baby, the baby, because the fucking, uh, it'll kill the baby. Yes, yes. So, which is good to know. You ever get upset with that baby? You take some of that foot cream and slam it on his face. I like it. Bye bye birdie. So I get the cream. It says, yeah, put it on once a day, you fucking asshole. And, uh, seven to 10 days, it should just fall right off. And I'm like, if this thing works, I'm going to fucking shoot this lady in the tit. Yeah. You wasted nine months over here with this coos. So I put the cream on every morning. I wake up, it's all white. I wash it off and get the lick is all crazy. I'm in the shower in Pittsburgh, big chunk morning. I wake up. It's all white. I wash it off and get the lick is all crazy I'm in the shower in Pittsburgh big chunk of shit on my foot. It's like flapping

So it gets wet and I just go I flick it and this huge chunk of shit like a hat just goes It's just a pink fresh spot it's off I picked up the wart and I played with it for about two hours Yeah, big old war it came right out. Oh my god eight days of foot creams, and I've been nine months They've been shooting fucking nitrogen into my tits. I mean she should be fired But I think it's it's all these doctors. They keep you coming back. Yeah, it's a $50 copay and then it was rather like it's you always $200 for the nitrogen and The crock's Rod is off. The cream was 40 bucks, it took a week.

Wow, can you go, hey, hey, nice tits, you fucked me. Well, I got an appointment Thursday, and I really like the ladies, so I'm gonna go in and go, you know, I gotta tell ya, it's a little upsetting. It is a little upsetting, I mean, this is egregious. Give me the creams next time. Yes, yes. I want the cream. Cremated, upset. I mean, this is egregious. Give me the creams next time. Yes, yes. I want the cream.

Creamated. Well, I mean, I feel like you set an appointment just for the I told you so. Absolutely. This is a spite appointment. This has nothing to do with health. No, and, you know, she could take a look and maybe I'll have her pull off a skin tag or something. Something. You owe me a skin tag, bitch, because, you know, wasted nine months. You got to give me something burn a nipple Absolutely, you see my plate you appreciate my pain white plate and let me just get into this and I'll never talk to you again We go to you know about parking willing, you know Parking eat park and eat. Yeah, Pittsburgh's famous diner

Parking eat eat and park I believe eat and park. That's right. This is the bit I did I'll put it on YouTube every night. I was like, I believe. Eat and park, that's right. This is the bit I did. I'll put it on YouTube. Every night I was like, why do you call it eat and park? You park and then you eat. And I just started doing Jerry. I was like, I can't drive, I can't park, I got a waffle on my pants. I hope Jerry never finds out.

I love Jerry. It's all in good fun. Yeah, Jerry. But you love Jerry. I love Jerry. You know Jerry. You see him on The Tonight Show last week? No. RIPPED! I mean the guy is 68 and embracing it, I mean he just killed, he went in zingin' zangin', he's getting applause, he's doing his act,

his new act. Oh okay. It's top to bottom, murdering and just prepared, prepared, prepared. I gotta see it, I'll check it out. I love Jerry and I love parking heat. But we go there and Matt Wayne and I, we got a nice breakfast. And what do you make of this guy? Please. There's a guy, we're in a little booth, there's a guy in the table in the center of the thing.

And we talked about this last week. Some people think they're nice. I'm a nice guy, I talked to everybody, but actually they're quite rude. This guy weighs 375 pounds. If he's a pound. I mean, he looks like he's got to weigh a thousand, but his calves slash ankle, all one tube are just, they look like pipes, Jerry. It's all, it's all of them. It's tubes. And he's sitting there with his buddy and he's one of these guys. He's like fucking, he's this big, just a big tub of fucking shit. And this, there's a lady over here. She's 25. I'm staring at

the whole time. She's hot. She's got a mid drift. Her boyfriend, husband guy goes to the bathroom. He goes, how long you guys have been together over there? Looks like you've, you still got the spark. And the girls like girls on her phone. She's like, Oh, Oh, Oh, um, a year and a half, year and a half. I remember that my wife and I have been together for 33 long one. And now he's going to talk to this lady for the whole time. This guy, the husband comes back and now his hot lady girlfriend who I'm trying to just stare at and dehumanize quietly. Objectify. This fat piece of shit. And he gets him involved. You better take care of this lady, mister. Oh, I hate this. I know a good lady when I see one. Now he thinks he's folksy. But to me, this is obnoxious. He's jovial guy. And then they leave. Okay. Take care.

Now he just picks off this guy over here. He's like a sniper and this guy, this guy has an oxygen tech because it's, you know, it's the middle of the country and everybody or the middle, whatever the fuck it is, the beginning of the Midwest, I guess. Yeah. And everyone's all wonky. He's got the tubes in his nose. It's all tubes and the tank. He goes, you know, you'd have a lot more fun if that was nitric oxide, nitrous oxide. I don't know how you say that. Nitrous oxide.

Yeah, I think you got it. The guy's like this. How's that? And he goes, I said, you have a lot more fun if that was nitrous oxide. And then this guy is like, he's dying. He's got emphysema. Yes, yes.

He's with his old asshole lady over here. And goes, uh, yeah, I guess I suppose so. Yeah. So how long you had the tank for? Oh my God. We're doing tank jokes. Tank girl. I'm furious. And Matt hates some of the tanks. This is why Matt is so such a great friend like you. He's just like, I think this guy's a piece of shit. I'm like, right. And then the lady has like silver hair, and he's like I like that. You're not self-conscious, but you're Ladies they get one gray hair they go they get facial, but you and it's like insulting He's like you look like dog shit, and you're living it. I got news for you fatty you're next he's gonna go He's got his sights on your fucking forehead I've never eaten a waffle so fast in my life, and I won't have it Billy Hoyle

I'll just be like I'm not interested. I'm sorry. I got a baby now. I'm a new man I'll be like just shut your fucking fat. Yes. No. Thank you. No folksy So he's talking to them and then he starts saying that he starts. He's one of these big bloaty asshole He's talking about his neighbor. I got a neighbor. He wants to mow my part of the lot, some beef. And he goes, this guy knocked on my door and he wants to fight me. I won't fight him.

I'll shoot him. I'll shoot him. I got a fucking MR 1378 14 Cumberbatch. I'll fucking blow his tits off. Is he alone? No, he's with the guy. Talk to your guy. Exactly.

Why are you talking to me about a gun? He's just telling him how to shoot him. And then he goes, this guy thinks he's fucking great. And he goes, because he's not educated. He never got educated. He doesn't know how to pass an IQ test. That's why he's been working manual labor for 30 years. He's a fucking retard.

Oh, man. And now I'm like, so now you're just taking swings at manual labor to random people in Pittsburgh. He's unhinged. And I'm like, you think you're like superior, but you're just like, anyone dumb is just manual labor? I'm like, what is that? That's a weird insult.

This guy sucks. I'm like, I guess I'm just, you know, come from a manual labor family. So I'm like, I guess I'm just a, you know, come from a manual labor family. So I'm like, what is that? Yeah, yes. He's retarded for doing manual labor. He's working for a living. Yeah, it's a gig. You weigh 500 pounds and I don't believe that you went to college or have a gun. He's got a gun. He did have a gun. And anyways, we all hated him. I mean, you know, we always go, I hope the guy never hear it. I hope you hear it, you fat fuck, because you

need to tone it down a notch and stay in your own bubble. Talk to your fat friend. And you're better than manual labor? You ate 600 pounds. You can do some labor. And you're costing people. Yes, yes. And you know what it is?

They abuse politeness. Because they go, well, you got to talk to me. I'm a fat fuck. I'm a gross human being and you don't want to be rude. So he hostage you got your hostage by his fat gun. Yes. These are the people and these kinds of people are the people that you're like, I'm sorry, we're just kind of having a private. Yeah. Whoa. Excuse me, Mr.

Rude Boy. I just have to talk to fucking fat strangers. Yeah, yeah. This is not helping me and it's not benefiting me and it's not fun. There's no upside to talking to this fucking fupa. No upside. And I'm gregarious. You know me. Still the same OG, but I've been low key.

I gave her tickets to the Late Show. Hey. Nice lady. She was goofy and silly and we were silly and I like chatting but I like a lady at the register Hey, how you doing? Oh, what did minutes? Okay, okay 30 seconds 30 seconds out the door this fucking piece of shit was gonna shoot everybody and if you work manual labor, you're a scumbag and You know take a break from eating. Yes. Yes. Take a walk

Yeah, big old blimp. Yeah, he sucked. And you know what the worst is on the flight. I had this one the other day. I got on a flight, had the guy next to me and he's like, you good? Oh yeah, I'm good. I'm putting the headphones in. I'm like, I'm not. I'm just shutting it down early. We got a two-hour flight, I can't do it. And then he's just going and going and he's talking, lady in front of me, he's like, what do you got, a Yankees hat? Buh-bye, not a good year, beepity-beep-beep-beep. And you know, I'm putting the bag in,

he's like, that's your bag? Somebody packs light, rat-rat-rat. And I'm just like, oh, I'm stuck next to this guy. And he goes, oh, I'm in the wrong seat. He sat behind me, and I was like, whoa, that was from the heavens. That was a God shined a light upon me, and he sat next to the opener and he went

Snored the whole flight, and I looked back and I left I'll take a snore over a bore You will snort off to retort right but toward is what wears on you now if it's a party. Let's chat Not enough of that, but this is a totally different thing and it's it's rude I know, but don't you get jealous like the the Larry Davids of the world They always talk about this is this would be my superpower. I would never act like that in public I'm not a sociopath, but that's what I want to do and I want to go. Oh, I don't care But I can't I don't have that in me. It's too mean Now we talked about this last week though something that's not me if you're like, I'm sorry, we're catching up

We're old friends. That's fine. That's understandable. It's you know, but yeah, you want to be like shut up. Yeah, shut the fuck up Of course, of course talk to your friend over there. It's rude to him, too The friend well, maybe the friend is relieved good talk to those assholes, but it's true Yeah, I think they rely on the the the weight cuz you go this kind of a sad guy I can't just shoot him down It might shoot me, but I can't I gotta go with it because he's like a fucking fat log That's a weird that the idea of like I'll shoot you like it's like something like a virtue right? I feel like a beat-up is something

Yeah, you guys come over my house. I'll fucking smack you in the mouth. That feels like, whoa, Jesus. But shoot is like, all right. Anybody can do that. You're gonna shoot me? Yeah, yeah. You're gonna murder me with a gun? Yes. Because we had a lawn dispute or whatever? I know, I know. You're a psycho.

It's just not like, whoa. The fight is like, oh, Jesus, this guy is fucking crazy. I pray this guy's not married. Could you imagine being that wife? I can't imagine, no. I mean, he's not married. Could you imagine being that wife? I can't imagine no, I mean he'd Senator flying when he got in bed the sad thing is when he dies everybody's gonna be at the funeral going this guy could Talk to anybody he could talk to a wall. He was a great gag gift of gab conversationalist like no no he just Gets you to listen to him vent. And he had no boundaries. And no boundaries. He probably has no friends though, because the people with friends don't talk to strangers

at the booth. No chance. They talk to their friends. Yeah, well he had a friend. That's true. Maybe a brother, could have been a brother. Maybe it was a brother, but yeah. I don't talk to strangers because I talk to my friends all day.

I'm talking to 50 people a day. So I see strangers, I go, hey, how you doing? Well, it's funny because all we hear now is like, no one's connecting anymore. It's all screens. It's all online. No one's interacting. No one's having a conversation.

But then one fat piece of shit goes, hey, how about that gun I got? And you go, I'm out. But that's what I mean. It's not a party. Right. You know? I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, we're coming off as elite cunts. No, he's elite. He's the elite one. He's like, I went to college. You work I mean we're coming off as elite cunts. No, he's elite. He's the elite one. He's like, I went to college, you work manual labor, you piece of shit, I'll shoot you. Well I think when a guy is- He's elite. When they're ugly, you give them a weird pass. I think subconsciously we do that.

Interesting. When a guy is very unattractive and fat and alone and gay, you go, all right, I'll be nice to this guy. They can get away with more. Anyway you slice it, this guy's rough. I mean, first of all, even his conversations are like, that's good, you embrace your gray hair. And then he's like, you got your oxygen tank over here, it'd be more fun if you had, the

guy's like, I'm dying. I'm like, I have to walk with an oxygen tank because I fucked up my life and now I have an oxygen tank and you're like, look at this guy. Hey tank, why don't you get some nice stuff? He's a, he's an asshole. Yeah. He's a fat asshole. I got to call that guy. Yeah. I fucked up yesterday. Oh yeah. Oh man. Yeah. At least you're fit and did it, but yeah that was that was I didn't think you're you double down, too Well, I was trying to redeem myself. I know What can you do? It's not like a comment. You can delete it. It's just out there I guarantee he was walking home going that motherfucker. Yeah

Yeah, what can you do we all thought thought about it. I have a point, but it's still it's still not a good thing to say. No, I think it's fine. I'm kidding. No, no, no. I think you're right. What can you do? I'm trying to get better at stuff like that. And I did it again. Well, it was a great hang nonetheless. I got to tell you, I don't want to get to in the details of what night and who was there. But you walked in that room, I almost started crying. Oh, thanks. I mean, I lifted you like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing.

I was like, all right, what's my move here? I gotta get out. This is one of the worst crew. And I grabbed you and pulled you and just put you right on that couch. Oh yeah, I had a good time. That was nice. And then we got some backup and I put them right on the couch too. Oh, that's right. Yeah. We got a, that we had a nice couch and then we had to leave. But boy, what a great, great hang. Well, it's weird. How a green room, I don't know how we over. Yeah. We got

to wrap it up. But oh, sorry. I missed it. All right. Well I'll save it for another day. But okay. Where are you going to be there? Slobby? Jalop? All right. This third Friday I'm in Burlington, Vermont, some rock club. I get what it's called a rock club. I'm very bad at this. I'm like, why don't I know whenever they always go, why are you coming to Burlington? Cause when I plug it, I'm like, I think I'll be in Burlington at some place. I never heard of it. Anyways, I'm in Burlington Friday and then Buffalo. It's funny we both have Buffalo openers. Oh yeah. I'm Murphy Matt Wayne and they're buddies. Good people out there. April 25th to the 27th, Buffalo Helium. I'm coming back to St. Louis Funny Bone May fucking third week of May, whatever that is. And of course, May 2nd,

Regent Theater Sunday, May 5th, we're at the store doing a live pod. 4pm, baby. Good time slot. And that's Saturday, the world premiere of the movie I made with Sam Rubinoff and my co-star. Ooh, apparently it's a sultry flick. Oh, it's something else. It's a hot, fun comedy. So get your tickets to that.

That's a dynasty typewriter. Oh, that's a great little room. And then I'm doing some spots around town. So LA, that's gonna be fun. And I'm coming back to Atlanta in June and Salt Lake City in June. Wise guys, come out to that. And yeah, go to punchuplive.com.

Sign up for the email list and make sure you join the Patreon. We're consistent as fuck on Patreon. We put up a little bit More serious and a little bit more dirty. Yeah a little more behind the scenes a little behind the curtain exactly Yeah, you can see a different side of us over there. Yeah, uh, I also i'm on punch up get on it That's the place to be you won't miss a gig. You won't miss a show. I'm coming to philly Pittsburgh area. I'm going, we're in LA. We're in Coachella Valley and some casinos.

So please try to come out to that. The tickets are horrible. Minneapolis, Madison, all kinds of fun rooms. I'm very excited to come to your town and come on your wife. And yeah, we'll see you at hell. Patreon, get a bottle of whiskey and Chuck What are you sniffing on over there? Check out my podcast fun bearable with Ray Harrington and Brad roar fun bearable pod comm

All right, thank you gents Tuesday. We'll see you out there! Weep it up!