Tuesdays with Stories! - #550 The Boys Get Rooked!

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

Mark goes to Chattanooga and stops by the Blue Ridge Comedy Club. Joe gets ROOKED by the Delta app! Mark gets ROOKED by a tailor! Joe sees a celebrity on the way to the pod, and things were NOT pretty. Also the List family lives through an earthquake and hightails it to a farm! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your Raycon order and free shipping. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 25% off your Fitbod subscription at https://www.fitbod.me/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm on the... Hey ho! Ah! 60 degrees outside, you can't beat it. How about yesterday? Oh you can beat it, it was 67, 68. Yesterday was 70 something. Too hot, too hot. Keep it in the 60s. Yeah I said 65, 68. Oh you said 70. Well I'm saying yesterday was in the 70s but you said 60 you

can't beat it I'm saying you can beat it with 67. I like a little lower. You're out of your mind. 60s cool, 67 where we're we're dabbling into the sweat. Two words, mini skirt. You should wear a mini skirt. You wore one? No, I'm saying, the girls, I mean, my God, yesterday, even my own wife, who you see every day, that season changer, she's like, I'm going for a run, she comes out in little booty shorts

and you're like, woohoo! Love the booty. Ding dong doodles. Pirate's booty. Yeah, I can't wait, and by the way, we're over here in the Grand Central area. Howdy booty. And everybody's in business attire. I love a sling back, a heel, a boot, a skirt, a dress, a tie.

I mean, anyone. Suit and tie on a man. Forget about it. Very hot. The business attire, I hope they don't ever get rid of it because you know, you go to an airplane now, it's all sweats, crocs, and Klan hoods. It used to be a suit on the plane. Well the ass in slacks, slack ass.

Slack ass. No, ladies, slack ass is so nice. The high-waisted slack ass. I love a high-waisted slack ass, an HWSA. And give me heels with pants. Like a tan pant with a tight bottom, and a pair of black heels. I love it.

So yeah, I hope they don't get rid of that. But I walked around in Bryant Park at a lunch hour two days ago. And it is business attire. It's like a W Banks. What's that place? W Bank, SWV. No, it's a W Hotel. No, the banks, they're always on sale. Banks on sale? Oh, it's that W hotel. No, the banks. They're always on sale banks.

Howard Banks. Oh, it's a suit. Oh, oh, Joseph A. Bank. Thank you. That's you, Joseph Albert Bank. That's you when you're doing well. That's it's just so hot in the cleavage with the shaky titties and then the subway. The tits are all jiggling and juggling. Yeah. Made me realize realize when Michael J Fox gets a little older and he gets those man tits He's gonna be flopping and flapping that'll be quite a show. Yeah, but that's exciting But yesterday I had no idea it was gonna be 70 at one point it hit 80 on my thermostat in the car a little warm I like warm and Cuz I'm tired of the chill. You just want to be in a t-shirt.

I love the air on the arms. I like an air on the arm, but don't you like a nice light jacket? Like one of these. You can't beat a light. I got a light jacket on right now. There you go. I like a light jacket at night.

A day, the problem is you got to keep, you know, keep track of everything. Yes, yes, track. The hard thing about the summer is less pockets. I got a winter coat, I got my AirPods, keys, I got a donut in there, I got my phone in there. Sunglasses, delos, you name it. But the summer, all of a sudden,

you got a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top, and you got nowhere to put anything. I'm carrying, you know, a bunch of shit. So true, and you get desperate too. You're like, maybe I'll clamp my sunglasses on the waistband of my basketball short, and it never works. I put them on my dick, like a, you know, a disguise.

That's a cool dick. Great dick. Got a little cigarette and sunglasses. Tricky dick. Yeah, so I'm with you. The pockets are big, but I'll never go so far as to cargo. I mean, I used to cargo and then it ended. Cargo was in for a long time.

Cargo's out. You know what else is out? Skinny jeans. Oh, is that right? Skinny jeans are out. I feel like they just got in, but that's how the fucking cookie crumbles. The shit ebbs and flows, Jerry. I know.

And then nobody emails you. You just find out because someone writes like a nice fucking pants You fucking homo and you're like, oh Jesus when I was a kid. There was a skateboarder Ed Templeton Sure the 90s he wore tight pants everybody called him a homo and a quiff and an F and then Two years later. Everybody's wearing skinny jeans. No apology Yeah, no one ever apologizes for anything, it seems. No, you just got, it's the same with like the climate

or the culture or whatever. Like, oh, you can't say that word. You're like, I never got an email. Then all of a sudden you can say retard again. Yeah, retard never went away. Not in my house anyways. No, same, or the end. My retard just can't get away.

I keep grabbing her. You gotta chain them. They're very strong. Great to be back, nice beautiful day. We should change studio, I feel very cramped and clamped in here, it's all white walls and tight. We got a contract unfortunately, but you like warm weather, give it three more weeks in here and we'll be doing Bickram.

It's toasty, we gotta make some changes, it's just very stale and tight yeah yeah the fluorescent the walls are closing in it's Star Wars trash compactor in here I'd give anything for a window I'll jump right out of that thing I mean we should do it in the other office or something something's up we need a window and people are upset about the wallpaper, it turns out. But it's character. I think so too. Yeah, window, Bill Gates, I'm a DOS man. But yeah, we're changing in what, September? When's that contract up?

Contract is up in October. We gotta tell them more than three months ahead of time. That's how we got lost. Email them today. Okay, we should get a calendar that says the three-month day. Just email them today! We're done.

No, I did last time. Email them today. When they just re-upped us last time, we were like, fuck you, three months, blah, blah, blah. I was like, all right, then we're out for next year. I told them right then. Okay. I would put it in writing.

Me too. Email it, and we're out, and who knows where we'll be. Yeah. We like this area. This is nice. The world is our reino. We'll see. Got that Gramercy guy. Yeah, yeah. What this area? This is nice. The world is our anal. Look at that Gramercy guy.

Yeah, that's something. Maybe Gramercy. We'll figure something out, but you get ready, you get excited. We're going to be somewhere big. New thumbnails, new office, new us. We're going to learn how to hang things too. Look at this beautiful photo that Salacuse took. That's one of Salacuse's all-time photos right here.

I think that might have been Jason Katz. Either way. Katz, Salacuse, too best. Is that a wooden Glock? Holy moly. And I think Bob Sacramento made this. He's good. No, that was Salacuse too. That was Org Mandalay. Salacuse made that. And this is great. Assman license plate. You had a lot of hair hair I'll tell you that. Now I gotta tell you about this weekend I had. Yeah tell me about it cuz I haven't seen you since 85. You watching Manhunt by the way? No I don't watch anything. Alright I don't think you'd

like it. No I can tell I wouldn't. You brought it up last time I think and I didn't care for it then. American history's fun. It's American history? Well it's about chasing John Wilkes Booth after he killed Lincoln. Now what was the Bin Laden one called? Wasn't that also Manhunt? Mm, that was Manhunter. Manhunter.

Yes, which I think is a gay app. But either way, Wilkes Booth. Well, I gotta tell you about this weekend I had. I know, but you veered to Manhunt. We were lifting objects, I didn't know where to go. It's a fun show. The guy who plays Wilkes Booth is amazing.

The guy who plays Lincoln stinks. Oh really? Stinking. Abraham's stinking. There it is. Four score and 12 cleaves to go. But yeah, check it out. It's on Apple. Apple's having a moment.

They did the Martin doc. Apple's got some good stuff. Steve Martin, the Patriots doc, dynasty. Oh, I didn't know that. That's fun. Bit of a hit piece, if you ask me, but I still enjoyed it. Ooh, is it about the Deflategate?

Deflategate and the other thing. Rainy. It's all whatever, but it was fun to watch. It's all pipes. All right. I don't love, I'm not a sports guy, but it was fun to watch. It's all pipes. All right. I don't love I'm not a sports guy, but I love a sports doc. Uh-huh. I've seen every 30 for 30 I saw the last dance the first dance May I have this dance? You name a dance this man was there for it. Oh, yeah. I got a full dance card, but

How about one of these weekends hit me with it? So I got Knoxville on Friday, Chattanooga on Saturday. OK. Chattanooga. Nooga, please. And so I got a nice Tennessee run. Sure. Now, do you know Dr. Steve?

I know Dr. Steve well. Man, he saved my life. Same here. Yeah, he's the best. He's cured my chlamydia more times than Lincoln. But either way, this guy goes, hey, can you help me out? I got a new club opening in my town. Can you perform there and sell some tickets?

And I go, for you, anything? You've cured my ass more times than Wilkes Booth. I'm in. Dr. Steve has the club? He lives in the town with the club. He wants to keep the club alive. I see. And he goes, I know Norman because I've got shit out of his dick in 88, so he owes me.

Absolutely. And I said, you got it, fatty. I'll come right down there. The club's in Bristol. Bristol, Tennessee. I don't know Bristol. So I said, I'm going to Knoxville Friday. I'll come down Thursday.

I'll do a full Tennessee run. A lot of Bristol's, Bristol, Connecticut, Bristol, Tennessee. Bristol, England. There you go. I think they all came over with those names and just named everything that. Was there a bean town in jolly old?

I think there's probably a Boston, England. And then there's, you know, there's New York. Sure. There's New England. New. There's New England. New Hampshire. Manchester. Yeah, Oxford? Mississippi?

There you go. A lot of Massachusetts town, I think Dighton, Swansea, all that's English. Oh yeah. Absolutely. Okay, Westchester, that feels English. But either way, the Bronx, that might be Dutch. There's some Dutch, Brooklyn is Dutch.

There's a lot of Dutch in there. The Dutch ran everything, by the way, before us. Hmm, the new Amsterdam. Ah-ha, there you go. So, go down to Bristol. It's called the Blue Ridge Comedy Club. Check it out. I was in the Blue Ridge Mountains all weekend.

Oh, look at that, some potty co. Period, sync. And we just had two shows, great crowds, got drunk with the staff after. And then you got a two hour drive the next day to Knoxville. Easy peasy, great show, Bijou theater, got drunk with the staff. The gem.

Yes. Gem, gem Harbaugh. So then we have. Good pull. We leave Knoxville, We do a don't tell. Hey, these guys are taking over huge with the DT. I don't know what the fuck don't tell is. I confuse it with the other one. There's don't tell. Then what's the clean one? Oh, uh, four Chan. Oh, it's called. What's that called? The Daily Wire? No, no. They're like Mormon or something. It's clean. Drybar. Drybar. Yes. Don't tell. And then there's

Sesh. But Sesh is just a club. That's a club in the city. Right. Okay. There's a lot of things going on because the industry's out and people are making their own shit. They made their own thing. Yeah. Don't tell is huge. We're doing a lot of telling. I guess so. Smart marketing, I guess. But it's in a furniture store. They always go in a little kooky place. It's like Fight Club, you know? That's pretty fun.

And it was great. Meet the locals. A girl went up in a wheelchair, Fiona. She killed it. Fun to see a lady. She was like an attractive lady in a wheelchair. That's hot. She goes up and she goes,

the worst part about lady in a wheelchair. She goes up and she goes, the worst part about being in a wheelchair is you can't see how great my ass is. And you know, plays wet ape shit cause it's fun to see a cripple be naughty. That's huge. But I mean, how good can the ass can be? How good can the ass can be if you can't do any squats? I mean I'm calling bullshit on this bit. I think it's a mediocre ass at best. I picked her up and I gave it

a look and not bad. I'm joking of course, I'm sure it's a fine ass, it's a great bit. Yes, great bit and just fun. She went the other other way good Mr. X so she was cool. We ended up getting drunk all night we played Jenga she got hammered she was fun drinking and driving and we had a great time. Woke up drove to Chattanooga you ever been to Chattanooga? Never been to Chattanooga. That is a cute goddamn nestled right in the Tennessee mountains right on the Tennessee river clean quiet cute You're gonna move there. I've only been to now. I got a new place of moving I'll tell you later, but I've only ever been to Nashville is my only Tennessee experience. I believe ah

Oh Really, there's so many gotten Memphis. I know the other one all right Knoxville Yeah, yeah, I split us had a Knoxville club. They did it was rough I heard I did it and died died a slow death But yeah, great run and just fun when it all works out two hour two hour two hour drive is nothing Nothing to sneeze that to our drive is a joy. I did seven and a half To is beautiful Lord. What is that? I'm a star The Donner Party? The worst thing I've ever done in my life.

Seven and a half, because five is my limit on the road. Five and over I'm like, I'm out. Five is a lot, well five feels like no problem. Last time I did DC I was like, I'll drive, and I got 11 minutes in the drive. I'm like, why didn't I fly? This is retarded. Retarded, and then you're like, you're on hour four, and you're like, I got another one and change?

Golly. Well, especially the northeast corridor, I got another one and change? Golly. Well, especially the Northeast corridor, because the end of your drive is horrible. Down there, when you're driving, like I drove to Virginia the way down, you're like, woo, the last half hour, you're cruising, because you don't know it nowhere. So Tennessee driving is better.

People don't know what Baltimore to Boston is just a fucking train wreck. Worst thing ever happen in Connecticut, including Sandy Hook, is that drive. Absolutely. Brutal. What's Boston to DC? That's like seven, huh?

Almost eight, I think. Wow, because I put those together. I don't know, I guess it's old American history, but that's a long haul. There's a lot of cities in between. You got New York, then you got Philly, then you got Baltimore, then you got DC. Boy, Baltimore. Are we even counting that as a city? I feel like it's like Pluto. It in between. You got New York, then you got Philly, then you got Baltimore, then you got DC. Boy, Baltimore.

Are we even counting that as a city? I feel like it's like Pluto. It's off. It's tough. I mean, I did a, what do you call it? A fundraiser, private thing with Umar, our boy Umar. That way, Umar. And he was like, you didn't walk here, did you?

And I was like, what do you think you were talking to? Are you crazy? And he was like, you can't walk around at night. I'm like, well, I'm not going to walk around in the morning, afternoon or night. I walk around in the morning and day. Well, the bridges are falling down, pets' heads are falling off.

I mean, that city is, it's tough sledding. Dogs and cats having sex together. It's, wow, well we sat, we had a, we had inner harbor, harbor view. Harbor's okay. Yep, not at night, evidently. And we saw the thing where you see 38 teenagers on bicycles ride by.

And he's like, that's what you gotta avoid. And I'm like, I know. And then we saw like, almost like they went through puberty and adulthood, because I saw about 25 similar people on motorcycles come back the other way. Oh wow, that's the dads. It's like they rode their bikes to the motorcycle factory. It was crazy, it was.

It was like a father and son wildin' trip. Yeah, wildin' out. And then you just see, you know, wild hogs. You just see the detail cop that lives in the harbor. Like there's an SUV with the lights going. And then there's the Hooters. And not one person. The Hooters over there? Yeah, not one person walked in the whole time.

It's just, there was nobody there. So you see little hints and then they're like, the skywalk is closed, Luke Skywalker. And I also stayed at the Hyatt Regency, which sounds nice. It's Inner Harbor Hyatt Regency. There was like mouse holes in the curtains. Wow. The ice machines broken.

There was a family of 12 next to it. Because I said to Umar, I was like, Hyatt Regency is supposed to be nice. He's like, well, it's the Baltimore Hyatt Regency. Yeah, it brings it down a peg. And he lives in the city. Oh, he's in there. This is horrible.

Wow, I picture the mice on little bikes going by your room. There's 12 mice, 12 angry men. But yeah, that is, what's going, how do you fix it? What do you do? Do you just drop a bomb? It's almost like a casino in Vegas. You just gotta get rid of the whole thing and start fresh. Yeah, Baltimore.

Yeah, right. Ah, geez. Volta-less, but yeah. Baltimore-ons. But it was, you know, fun. But whatever, I gotta hear about Tennessee, you veered. I mean, that was about it. It was just a great weekend. Every show was fun. But whatever, I got to hear about Tennessee, you veered. I mean that was about it. It was just a great weekend.

Every show was killer and it was just that two hours so nice because we did El Paso and Albuquerque. That's a flight, Jerry. That's like a four hour flight or whatever it was. And then you got to fly two flights home. But it was just a great weekend and great routing. You redeem yourself after that Ari fuck up where they put us on the same goddamn night. but it was just a great weekend and great routing. Thanks for, you redeemed yourself after that Ari fuck-up where they put us on the same goddamn night.

But the only problem with these Connecticut's is it's two flights back American. Right. That's it. As David Tell calls it the connecting flights tour. Yeah two flights is rough but you know hey the security is the worst thing. I do security once. True. That's nice. True. It's just you can't, you know when security is the worst security once sure nice true it's just you can't you know when you get on the plane like alright I'm just gonna sit here and relax till I land now you like I'm relaxed oh I gotta go make it where's be where's I'm in a where's be that's see okay where's the escalator up boy should I pop into the lounge I got six minutes I can take a dump and drink

a coffee I'll go to the lounge you you know, by the way the American Lounge I thought United was bad. I mean I can't even imagine why I wouldn't be cut dead in the American I feel like I want to be an immigrant. I'm like, I don't want to be from here. This is American. We've ruined it It's horrible. There should be a new airline. That's like, you know Lounge air lounge air. Yeah, and the whole thing is just allowed just couches. Yes. There's no planes. It's just a lounge. That's not bad.

We got some beer. I think that's called a lounge. They have those on the street. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. But, you know, you go and you act like it's allowed. I go, when's your flight? And you go check the board. It's all a little gag we're doing. That's pretty good. It's kind of like the hotel that we had your birthday thing at.

Huh? Remember we went to the hotel way the fuck out in JFK? Sorry, bud, that was at JFK the other day. I had a mental moment where I go, I gotta apologize to like six guys. That was fun. I like a little three foot pool for a half an hour with jets flying right over our head.

Yeah, and about a drink cost 12, 15 pesos. That was a hell of a time. All right, well I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Love a good hang. But she thinks big. Speaking of Delta, I'm going to LA, May 2nd, Regent Theater, we'll be there, live podcast Sunday. You got that right, Fetty. The fourth, the fifth. Fifth. Fifth. Jesus. And the fourth be with you. But, um, I got, we're flying out there, it's Sarah and I and the baby, and I'm like looking at this six hour flight. Yeah. Plus with the kit, it's not just a six hour flight. It's, you got to keep them entertained in the terminal, the cab ride, the other cab ride. Diaper change, baby. It's brutal. So I'm like, all like, maybe I'll look into first class. First class unavailable. They have Delta 1. Ooh, oh, baby.

So I go, I never use miles. OK. I got 250,000 miles. Nothing wrong with that. So I was like, that should cover it. So I look at two Delta 1 tickets. Maybe I'll just use them out, because I'm like, it's so expensive to fly Delta one, but miles, I

literally don't use them. I don't think about same here. So I'm like, this is nothing, nothing. It's free money. It's land. Yep. I'll use the miles. So I go through the whole process, check the miles. There's a weird glitch in the app. I hit a glitch. So I go, what the fuck? I got to start the whole thing over. I go through, I go, same flights. I just did this, this flight, this flight, Delta one. Take me through it. I click complete. Somehow it missed the miles. It didn't do the miles. I've had the same exact thing. I don't even want to say how much I paid for these two flights. Now I have two Delta one flights. I'll just say this. It's more than I'm making. Oh my word. Plus I rented a big mansion in Beverly Hills or the Hollywood Hills. Boy. Oh boy. And I thought everyone was going to split the cost, but my lovely wife, you know,

she's not really doing the show. So I was like, I'm not going to take money from my wife. And then the Walsh is they're coming to babysit the kids. You know, I can't charge them. And it's Derek's birthday, I can't charge them. Right, right. So, meanwhile, I got Fian and her boyfriend. She's like, wow, it's one six. So I owe you one six.

She's like, so here's 11 bucks. Maybe a one six and a half with the creepo she's got. Squatting over there. Just saying, I mean, he's gonna be eating the food, he's gonna be on the couch, he's gonna be watching the TV. Well, I think he's gonna contribute also. Okay, okay. So I'm getting 16 bucks from these two.

Sure. And I'm fucking nine grand in the hole for the hotel house, big villa. Is this an Airbnb? It's an Airbnb, but I mean, you gotta come over. I can't wait to be. Give me three, four hundred bucks for it. But this is on the hill with a waterfall and a lake and a canoe. I made up all that stuff, but it's nice. Sure, well I mean you better watch out. You don't want some hobo in there when you show up. No, I'm gonna,

it's gonna be nice and hopefully I can hear them fucking you know yes and I'll do a wife swap but the Walsh is the way I want but yes send me the tape the Scotch tape I don't know I'm off I had the regs this morning I'm all fucked up it'd be nice if there was a Airbnb miles other things need miles I need uber miles I need flight miles I need Airbnb miles I mean I need Tinder miles. I think most things do this now. Starbucks does that. Oh, they do. You get a free drink, every whatever. Marlboro bucks. I think Chipotle might do it,

but I've never signed up over there. Someone's like, you must be getting a lot of free burritos. I'm like, I'm not getting any, I'm stupid. Really? I gotta get the app. I know, we gotta get points. I hate apps. Hate apps, hate points. Well, I like mozzarella sticks. Yeah, we have the same joke. What'd you say? You said, I hate apps, and then you eight points. Well, I like mozzarella sticks. Yeah, we had the same joke.

What did you say? You said I hate apps, and then you said I'm going to get mozzarella sticks. I said I prefer an entree. OK. So similar joke, different punch. All right. Well, anyways, so now I got the tickets for the thing,

because I'm like, it'll be easy to be in delta 1 with the baby because you can lay down. And then there's an aisle on each side of us because you can just walk up and down and it's funny to ruin everyone else's time up there. Sure. But I spent about $12,000 here and my guarantee is 350 bucks, I'm fucked.

No, I think you'll have some people come out, you need any money? Can I Venmo you? Venmo me a big pile of cash if you don't mind. Well, you know what's gonna happen is the weekend will come and go, the baby will have a great time in Delta 2, 1, whatever it is and it'll it'll fart in the wind two months later you won't even think about it. Oh it's gonna be the time of our lives I can't wait I mean you got all

the great LA people John again Henry Phillips Andy Hendrickson those are my buddies anyways. Hey good group. And Chris Walsh, of course, and then I got Derek Walsh and Erica Walsh. I mean, Fahim. Fahim's out there and Fahim, Karen Fahim. And you'll be out there, Bobby Kelly's out there, I think Soder's out there. Nice. It's gonna be a fucking humdinger. Hell yeah, I can't wait, I can't wait.

Sally? Salacuse will be there, Yeah, I can't wait. I can't wait. It's Sally Sally Q's Oh, yeah, yeah, he can't stay at my house. No, no, you got a chip in you gotta get a big jar Just put some bucks in there like Starbucks of bonus. I forgot about my Speaking of you need some Luke money. This is gonna be something else. But yeah, I'm in the hole on this trip All right. Well, hey, it's gonna be a fun time but I had a I bought a leather jacket yikes and I said, you know what? This doesn't fit right. I'm going to get it altered the altering was more than the jacket Oh, have we talked about this? No, I don't think so. So I go back home to the wife I got it. We got to talk about this. Is this normal cuz I don't't do clothing. And she's like, yeah, that happens all the time.

And I'm like, what kind of, it's out of whack. How can the fixing of something be more than the thing? It doesn't compute in my brain. It's like you bring your car in, they don't go, all right, that's gonna be 45 grand. You're like, well, the car was 40. Right. It doesn't, the rods and cones are screwed up.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. I mean, the only thing I can think maybe is like a surgery costs more than a birth maybe. Ooh, that's a good analogy. A birth is more, is very expensive. Is it? I don't know, I didn't pay for the fucking thing, but I think it's expensive.

You might have a bill in the mail. Oh, we got bills, baby. How about this, by the way, We moved from one hour to 2F and my lovely wife didn't change the thing. So we just got a bill. It's like, hey, this is your final pay. We're gonna turn your electricity off. You haven't paid a bill since October. Well, that's your fault for going from one retard to two f*****s. Sorry, please. That was the original name of the show, by the way. But Sorry, please. That was the original name of the show, by the way. But, so, we didn't, we were like, deadbeats. By the way, it is nice to know that if you don't pay your electric, you get six months. Is that right?

We're six months in before they're like, this is your last one. Wow. Which I had it turned off in my old place. Wow, that's funny because I've got my electricity turned off too it that just shows how deadbeat we were I know it's really bad It was embarrassing. I lived like three nights with just no electricity like a man So to me at that age it was like that'll be fun. That'll be fun. It'll be romantic. We'll light a candle. We'll read yeah Wait hold on the electricity now. I had a thing Hold on, the electricity. Oh, I had a thing.

Gah! Shit in my ass. Either way, it's gone. It'll come back to me. Your car analogy, if a car's repair costs more than the car, they total the car. Ah-ha! Good point.

So they total the pants. Yeah, or the shoes. Well, according to the wife, who's involved in clothing and fashion and lady parts and vaginas, she goes, that's completely normal. You should do it. And I go, that's a lot of money. It's like double the jacket price. This is insane. It's insane but I asked around I did some research and it was it's comparable

because I bought a suit for a thousand dollars and the alteration was a hundred bucks. Ah. Or less than that. And you're happy with it? Yeah. Shit where'd you go? Bloomingdale's. Oh wow that's high-end. But a suit I think is just, you zip it up. I think leather is a thing. Oh leather, you gotta stretch it. You gotta open it up, it was a cow, yeah. There's a lot going on with leather. It's hide.

It's a lot of Mooney. Yeah, Mooney Mooney, Luke Mooney's. Paul Mooney. There you go. So, gay. RIP. AID. Hey folks, this episode is brought to you by Raycon. Listen to your favorite music and podcast without breaking the bank for earbuds. Raycon has you covered with amazing audio quality at half the price of the other premium brands.

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That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash Tuesdays. Get on it folks, support the show. Alright well either way, got the jacket, I said alright I'll suck it up and I put the jacket on and that thing fits like a condom on a boner and I wore it at the Blue Ridge and I had a great time. A leather jacket. I wore it. On stage.

Check my Instagram, my latest video is me in an LJ and I got a lot of comments. Lady Journey. Wow. I feel weird about it. Don't get me wrong. Did you pace and drop the mic? No, I did say the N-word a few times and I'd hump the stool, but I gotta say I had to test it the Blue Ridge. I'm not going to the cellar in that thing. No, I wouldn't think so. But now the cellar you could get away with. There's nobody there to riff and buzz. That's true. There's no Patrice O'Neill to zing you. No. I mean, if Keith maybe. Yeah, look at him. He thinks he's a bad boy or whatever the fuck he'd say. Wow. So what if Jerry sees you though? You know, his stance on leather jacket on stage.

Well, I have disproven it. And so did Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy and a thousand other comedians. Quinn had that great line but Jerry might be upset with you better be careful. Yeah well he's got an LJ I think he just takes it off when he hits the stage. Yeah which is a very I don't like the get on stage and take an item off. You like it off before. Yeah I just think it's insane. Doesn't make any sense to me. Huh. I mean guess if it's a really expensive jacket you're afraid someone's gonna take Huh. I mean, guess if it's a really expensive jacket, you're afraid someone's going to take it? I don't know.

Yeah, that's true. When people walk on stage and take a piece of clothing off, I'm like, I don't get it. Even a hat? I guess. I mean, I guess if you're a celebrity, so you have a hat on to protect your anonymity, and then you take it off, I guess.

But why not take it off right before you go off? I don't care. Yeah, I guess you wanna see it. You don't wanna know where it is, maybe. You might lose a hat, but what I don't love, and this is gonna get me in trouble, is the guy who goes something, something, something, and the bald is the punchline.

Oh. So now you're using the hat to show your bald, and that's the joke. Took off my hat and said imagine that. Yeah, maybe that was, I shouldn't say that because I know like eight guys who do that. Well Gallagher had the great bit where the hair was attached to the hat. That's a bit. That's good. That's good. He was good.

You better believe he was good. I mean he gave you the best comedy advice I've ever heard. Bring a basketball on stage, dunk it during the punch line. Now that is comedic. I mean I might have had a whole different career on my hands. Oh you'd be flying Delta One easy. Absolutely. Now here's what's the what's the issue when you go alright I'm going Delta One I'm willing to drop the coin unavailable like what if it's rented it's gone you never seem to have that issue that happens to be all the time.

Well you book ahead you book in advance. Ah, advance. I've seen Delta 1, sold out, but I mean, for Delta 1 to sell out a month in advance, pretty rare. Little jarring. Anyway, so Delta 1, it was available, I bought it, I'm freaking out. All right.

But what can you do? Well, they make the miles, they don't want you to use the miles, so they make that harder, so you really got it. It's like a diffusing a time bomb, you do? Well, they make the miles. They don't want you to use the miles. So they make that harder. So you really got it. It's like a defusing a time bomb. You know, you got to like, what was that? Hold on, click it over here. They really make it just a weird little click that's hard to hard to catch. Exactly.

But what are you going to do now? What's nice is though, you don't have to worry about the upgrade and pray for the upgrade and you go, all right, we got the Delta ones. Fuck it. It's happened. Let's go that kid with it kids gonna sleep like a fat kid after church Lord I hope so praise Allah guess who I saw today take one guess big celebrity well I already heard so I'll just throw out a curveball Liam Neeson no John boy better even better Salman Rushdie.

His initials are the people at home guess his initials are the first two letters of the alphabet. A.B. Anthony Bourdain. There he was, just a dead carcass on the side of the road. I kicked him and said, you're not traveling so much anymore, Depresso. No reservations. Alec Baldwin, a New York staple. Fellow villager.

Yes, a village person. Yes, YMCA. I saw him once on Charles Street, kid on the shoulders, and I went, you ever see a celebrity and you don't know what to do? And you're just like, oh my God, and I went oh geez yeah I was like oh that was bad why did I wave to him you should have clotheslined him off the shoulders like Brett the Hitman Hart I thought about shooting him but it was exciting to see but I gotta say he

didn't look great he's got the white hair he's bloated he's red he's Irish he was a little hunched and like knee bent like he was walking like this real slow like oh Yeah, it looked it looked rough and oh Jesus. I just fucking had that go up my ass easy big fella Yeah, it didn't look great, but it's so exciting when you see a celebrity You just want to go you have like ten lines go through your head And you just want to take a photo and a video and run up and pants them of course and you know what I said Oh, you saw you talk to him. Oh, I said something, baby.

Lay it on me, Fanny. I think they're going to like this. So he was on the phone and then he hung up, put the phone in the pocket and we just happened to and I said, your episode of Comedians in Cars is one of the funniest things I've watched it three times a year. It brings me so much joy. And he said, Oh, wow. Thank you.

I don't get that one often. Oh, that's big. How about that? That's big. And then I did a little whoop and then kept on going. Wow. Pretty good. Very good. And that's a mouthful and you got it all out clean. Brought me a lot of joy and I just went, wow.

Kept on moving, never looked back. He probably wanted to hang out knowing how sad he looked. You should have gotten him on the app. And I wanted to say you know we probably have mutual friends. My father's gay, Dan Soder. You worked with him one time. Is that right? Oh yeah I think on billions. Oh wow. How do you like that? Yeah. Wasn't on the bonfire huh? I don't think so. All right well hey that's pretty good. Nothing better than a good exchange and then keep it rolling. Well, and you imagine so many people must be like, always be closing.

I know. And he's like, oh yeah, always be closing. That's great. Beetlejuice, 30 Rock. Right, some sort of 30 Rock horse shit. But I went deep cut and I think he liked it. And you're not lying. You actually do like that episode.

I watch it all the time. You realize we have to tip Rebecca $1,000. Ha ha ha. Crack him in the jaw. That's the second one. Kick him in the nuts. Crack him. Oh, that's the first one. That's the first one? Oh, yeah. That's all the same episode.

Oh, wow. Oh, he's crazy. Also, Tenenbaum. I love his Royal Tenenbaum. He does the voiceover. So good. Fantastic. Hunt for Red October. And he's the original Tom Clancy or whatever. Oh! Or Jack Reacher. What's the guy's name?

No, no. Grisham? No, Tom Clancy is the author, but who's the character? Oh, yeah. Patriot Games and... Isn't it Jack something? Harrison Ford, Jack. And Matt Damon. Jack. Jack Clark.

Jack Clampett. Jack Edwards. Jack Nicholson. Isn't it Jack or John? I think it's Jack. I think it is Jack. Jack Tunny? No Tunny. Fuck! Patriot Games, Hunt for Red October, the author is Tom Clancy. Jack Ryan! Jack Ryan! Yes! He's the OG Jack Ryan. Wow! Which is tough because he's the only one that didn't make multiple movies. That's true.

They were like, you're Jack Ryan, and then they were like, we're going to get a new Jack Ryan and make nine movies with him. Right. Boy, it's got to feel good to be Clancy. And people go, we love your book so much, we want to make another movie. And another one. And another one. And as soon as you make that book, we're making it into a movie.

Wow! He really hit the jackpot. Jack Ryan. Jack Ryan pot. There you go. Beanpot. A lot of New York celebrity sighting. I got something else that was. Oh, you missed the big thing. You were one of my first texts. You were away for the big EQ. Uh, equity qualification? Earthquake! Ahhhh! The EQ!

Earthquake! The comedian? My god! We had an earthquake! Were you here for the earthquake? 4.8! I thought Bobby Kelly showed up! He's fat!

Well, he used to be. That's true. Chubby. Yeah, thick. Uh, but used to be. That's true, chubby. Yeah, thick. But yeah, that earthquake was really something. And you know what they say? They always say the people that are nervous, people with anxiety and anxiety and what, they're the best in a big crisis.

And that's true because old daddy-do, daddy-down, legs me I was sitting there Feet up with the baby Sleeping and you know, I'm watching the Lost Boys with the sleepy baby and then within one second I was like, oh earthquake got up went over to the door frame. I know Door frame right? That's the old move. Getting the big door frame and Sarah was in her the bed, the bathroom doing makeup and she's like points the head out.

She goes, what is that? I was already in the frame. I should have said something looking back. Well, you protected the child door frame Roger. And I even hunched over him like this. And she said, what is that? And I was like, it's an earthquake. Get in the doorway. And she was like, wow. Wow.

Hopped in the, hopped in the doorway. And she was like, hopped in the doorway thing and it went off for, I don't know, 15 seconds. It was saying that was long. It was a serious earthquake. Now how shaky are we talking? Michael J Fox tits. So how, how, how much are we talking here? Did something fall off the shelf? Did the pictures rattle? No shell, but rattles for sure. The rattles were rattling. I mean it was a pretty good, I would say like this. Whoa! Like a massage chair. That's a lot. Yeah, was May home?

You know I don't... Yes, she was. Oh Jesus. She didn't care for it. She's very unperturbed. She's like, there was an earthquake. I was like, holy shit, how was it? She goes, no big deal.

Yeah, that's the thing. Well, we're on the show here. I get it, but it's still, it's never happened to us. But I texted my parent. Well, we had one a few years ago. We did 10 years ago, but it was much briefer. Oh yeah. That was like a shorty. I was here for that. That one sucked. That was just kind of like two seconds. But I was texting with my mother cause we were meeting up for this vacation and I was like, we just had an earthquake. Everyone's good. And she was like, what?

Oh, earthquake. And I'm like, yeah, it already passed. Yeah, it's over. But I felt good because Sarah was like, I thought it was a truck. But right away I was like, that there's an earthquake because the whole house was shaking. And kids living Delta one earthquakes. He's having a cool life. I know we lived on a farm. he's been to 10 states already.

10 states? Five months old. It's like a runaway. Five, how about that? Two states a month for his life. Why, hold on, hold on. New York, Massachew, Vermont, Connecticut. Rhode Island.

Rhode Island for the drive. Mm-hmm. That's five. Then you got Pennsylvania. Oh, because he's been to Philly, Delaware, Virginia, flew out to Washington. Oh, and then we also went up to New Hampshire. Wow. This kid's like your sex traffic. And we're going to California and we're going to Vermont this weekend and California in two weeks. Jeez! And he has no idea. That's pretty good.

No concept. And Sarah's got a brother. He's like, I've been to seven states. Damn! This kid is worldly. He's traveled. He's all over the place. He's lived. And he has no idea. That's pretty good. He's going to have a wacky accent. Yeah, maybe.

He's got a little bean town coming out of your ass. She's South African plus British and gay. And Texas. And Texas. Jesus Christ. This kid's gonna be like, hello, cheerio, mate, you fucking homo bitch. Get out of the way, park the car. Plus I'm always doing characters. I'm always like, sheee. Yes. Look at that diaper. You can dive as fit with sheee. He's gonna have a black scent. This kid's gonna be talking Ebonics. But yeah, so we had the earthquake, and we were heading out to the gig in Baltimore, and we're going on vacation back to Sperryville, Virginia, where I went last year.

I see. And what a beautiful hidden gem it is down there in the foothills of the Shenandoah National Park, the Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River. That's lunch. Boy, it was something else, and it was perfectly routed, because I went last year, my birthday, so I'm like, weandoah River. That's lunch. Boy, it was something else and it was perfectly routed because I went last year my birthday so I'm like we should go again. Then Umar hooks me up at this teacher gig, which was on the Friday.

It's in Baltimore so we, that's a long drive by the way with the baby. Yeah. Four and a half hour plus the traffic. It's just brutal getting out of the city, getting into that city. Horrendous. now is the kid crying is there a John crier? I'll cry a little wine a little bit and then you feed him you got to get them out stretch them out all that stuff I see we go do the gig fun gig whatever hang out in the hotel in Baltimore his first hotel, which was fun Hey, roll around the the bed and everything that was exciting Then we get up early now like you only a a two hour ride to Sperryville. Now we're talking.

And I got my parents to come down. I bought this nice farmhouse in the middle of 150 acres. Wow. Sprawling farm. Goats, dog, cats, ducks, quail, fowl, whatever the fuck it's called. and some horses, some mules. Now we're getting 40 acres and a mule. Which was embarrassing by the way because the farmhand guy, I'm like, look at these horses, he's like, that's a mule, and I'm

like, oh there's another mule, he's like, that's a horse. Ah, well it's all trans. And they said this pregnant goat, so I point to these white pregnant goats, I was like, these are the pregnant goats, and like the guys literally was like this, that joke. Oh, and I was like, sheep. No. And he's like, those are cows. Oh, wow. But I thought a pregnant goat looked like a cow. What the fuck do I know? It's bloated. So he's like, no, that's a cow. Those are the goats. Those are goats. And I was like, I thought those were sheep. Well, we got to reverse the script and take him into the city. He's like, who, that's a cow. Those are the goats. Those are goats. And I was like, I thought those were sheep. Well, we got to reverse the script and take him into the city. He's like, who is that Mexican? That's Puerto Rican. Exactly. You got to flip it

on him. Exactly. And but they're very friendly people. Danita and Patrick, they were farm sitting. And then there was a guy named Muhan, which sounds Muslim, but he was Spanish. Muhan Wuhan. Oh, Wuhan. I think. Parkau. I'm not sure. Something like that. Wuhan, a Humon.

The Wuhan dynasty. A Humon race. I don't know. But. Umar Khan. I made the mistake of doing this too. He's Spanish and he didn't speak English well. So then I was like, oh, see, Oslo ego, gracias. And he's like, Spanish, oh, see, uh, Oslo way go. Gracias. And he's like,

Spanish. Great. So they speak in Spanish to me. And I'm like, trying to make what I'm like, Azul, a Verde. He's like, what blue and green? Yeah. I was pointing the sky and the grass. And he's like, Oh, okay. Yeah. And you go, no cow, no cheap cow. Vodka, Vodka. So I threw a few things out there, but boy, what a fucking place this is. I mean, I want to move to the country. Virginia is my new place. Final answer, hour out of Charlottesville, hour and a half out of DC and just... Oh, that's living. The phone never stopped ringing. All right, come on folks.

I gotta get you a sea insane that they pull the string, the cow goes, boo, just so you know you're animals. It's, I mean, I'm figuring out the animals. We fed the goats, you give them peanuts and everything, but boy, it was really just wonderful. And then at night, you could hike at night, and the stars come out, and you're right in the park there. And I had a barbecue sandwich to die for.

We went to a brunch. It was a bluegrass brunch. Woo-wee! And it was just tremendous. And I felt refreshed. And I wasn't looking at social media or thinking about anything. Azulgrass.

I'm smoking a fucking cigar by an outdoor fireplace. Hear, hear. Whoo! God! It is living, and you're right, the blood pressure drops, the anxiety drops, and you're like, oh, this is how you're supposed to live. Yeah, it's my first proper vacation since having the baby, which was nice. Oh, wow.

And you really are, you're like, we're driving back, and you're on like, traffic on FDR. Ugh! I mean, bumper to bumper, everyone's honking, looking for a parking spot, and I'm like, I did this. Yes. Did it. Came to New York, lived in New York, the cellar, the stand, the TV, the Tonight Show.

Sure. But my God, I'm sick of diversity. Jesus. And people in general, that's what's great. And I've always been a big ocean guy. You like the beach. The ocean heals. But not just the beach but like Maine where it's like a rocky shore and Ireland and I love the ocean. It's healing. I love to get in that saltwater. But I never realized how healing the farm is. What's great about that is. Huge. The isolation is spectacular.

The ocean is crowded and expensive. Right. The farm is not as expensive and you can be isolated, you can be quiet. You can scream the N-word the way we like to do and all that stuff. Yes, yes, at the moon. And it's just, there's no one around anywhere. Like the beaches you got to find parking. Yeah. All that. But this was rolling hills that green the contrast of the green

and the blue and the birds never stop. Oh yeah. Oh it's beautiful. And the other the animals are all alive and you're alive. And you know what the kids say now? Touch grass. Oh you gotta get on that grass. Have you heard about this? The touch grass means like you gotta go connect with nature. Absolutely. You're all over your screen. Well my baby had never, literally never touched grass. He's never been on the grass. Wow. He was born in late October so it's all winter. Sure. But I put him right in the grass and just rolled around, there's bees on his face. It was great Oh, I love it. It's like the poor African kid with the flies. That's what it felt like. Yes. Yes Well, you know when not to turn into old man Kleefe over here

But like every pair of pants I had as a kid was stained with grass grass day knees Kaepernick BJ you name all grass, all cut up knees. I don't touch grass at all anymore. You gotta get the grass. That's why I wanna move so badly. So now I got it all figured out. Moving to Montclair, New Jersey with the Side Peace House down Virginia. Oh!

All settled. You got a triple threat here. You got the condo in New York, the Montclair home, and the side piece, triple. Well, it's an office in New York. There's no kitchen or anything. Oh, you know a New York office? Well, the one in my basement there.

You keeping that? I think it's the only charge is me a couple hundred bucks. Low key, it's not exactly street legal, if you know what I mean. I hear, well, it's better than a Delta One. But, you know, we'll see. I don't know what's gonna happen with my life, but my God, a farm.

Yes, yes, but I have the boredom, Jerry. I guess you could milk a cow and fuck a goat. Oh, you hike. I hike, you read, you play cards, you have visitors, you smoke cigars. What are we, Amish? But it's a getaway. Yeah, it's a getaway.

You gotta get away. Gotta get away now. I was gonna see Chris Allen, although if I brought him up there, they'd fucking shoot him. Oh yeah. They ain't ever seen nothing like that up there. That's a different kind of livestock.

But boy, it was real, refresh the batteries. You gotta do it. It was spectacular, and I'm going back. That's all there is to it. How'd you find this place, first of all? Just Google Maps. I like to go off the beaten asshole and I did it last year and it's just a good getaway. It's before peak season so everything's cheaper. It's even quieter. Well, I try to get those little moments, those little recharge moments on the road.

You know, I'm in Chattanooga like you're kind of like forcing yourself to relax. Yeah. Because you're like, I'm not in New York. I'm not in a big city. Look up with the stars. We have a drink and sit on this weird swingy chair. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is just, you know, like I said, the city, it's just I did the damn thing. Yeah, we we beat the video game on the most difficult level and now you're just sitting in it I think we talked about this last episode too. The problem with an apartment is I think I said it like my wife's doing the dishes

I literally can't hear the television. It's the same fucking room. It's the same room. It's a nightmare I'm the same way with the lady. She'll flush the toilet and I'm getting sprayed with water You got a pause because you're like, let me let the toilet bowl run. Yeah toilet bowl run horrible horrible race um but uh no that was awesome and we also missed you at the birthday party we had a big birthday bash and you would have loved it this was your kind of hand get out of here i'm telling you we sat in a circle it was katie hannigan and chevonne and matt whan and Matt Wayne and Karen Fian and Isabel Hagan, me, Ronan, his girlfriend, Sarah and we just, this guy sucks, that woman blows, he's gay, she's a lesbian, that's a hack. Love a shit fest.

It just was a million laughs. Everyone, the girls were farting, the boys were farting. What? Girl farts? was a million laughs. Everyone, the girls were farting. The boys were farting. Oh, it was great. And everybody had a good, oh, Dayton Bissette was there. Oh yeah. He's cute. He's a quiet kid. And then we were there for three and a half hours. And he said, uh, yeah, I think I've done that club. And then Fian just goes, Whoa, Dayton for the first time. And you can tell he was like, Oh shit. And he just got quiet and everybody was on, but like in a good way. Yes. Love a good on you. And it was a perfect, you know, nobody hogging this story. And it was a group that's like, you're telling the story. You go whole story. Sure. That reminds me. And you were missed. Oh, well that is

a beautiful thing. You know what's good? You have a good filter for hoggers. You will wash out a hog quick. I hate a hog, and I've been in some beefs with hogs, and- And some pork. I don't care for the hogs. Yeah, yeah, hog, wild hogs, high on the hog. You see that film, Wild Hogs?

I did on a flight. I loved every minute of it. Really hoping you'd say no. That Tim Allen can really carry a film! I'm just kidding. Who else is it? Travolta, Allen, and... Cage? No, I pulled that out of my ass.

It might be Cage. Stallone? No! Pull, no, no. Ackroyd? Pull it up! Maybe it's Ackroyd. If it's Ackroyd, I'm leaving. He's just a big motorcycle guy, I don't know. You saw it!

Who is it? I didn't see it, I was joking. Tim Allen! I would watch that horse shit. I know Travolta's in there. Travolta, Tim Allen, and Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jack. Oh, it might be a Willis! That was before the aphasia.

The two people you're missing are fucking crazy. Two people. One's black. Is it one's black. Is it Walberg? It's gotta be a black. Do you wanna do guesses? Yeah, that's what we're doing. Let me see. The black has gotta be. Is there any? Oh, is it Ving Rhames? Oh. Ernie Hudson? No. Wait, maybe it is, um, hold on. Don't say it. Lawrence Fish? Lawrence Fishporn. That's what I was gonna say. We know him. He, we've heard of the black. Oh yeah. Oh, I know who it is. I know who it is um hold on don't say it. Laurence Fish? Laurence Fishporn that's what I was gonna say. We know him he we've heard of the black. Oh yeah. Oh I know who it is I know who it is Cedric the entertainer. No. That's not a bad guess. I thought I really thought I had it. Is it Bernie Mac? Is it a different king?

It's not Eddie Murphy. Is it Earthquake? LaVelle Crawford? Think littler. 4.8. Oh not Kevin Hart? No. Not that little. Not that little. Oh I know who. Oh I know who it is. I know who it is. I actually know who it is It's the midget from me myself and Irene You know that guy? The little person. He's a bad Santa. But I'm free willy. Yeah, that's a tiny tiny black Not Webster Gary Colbin Fuck hold on little. Jaleel White. Skinny. Skinny little. Skinny black. Oh Spike Lee. Likes to lose weight. He's an actor. Uh, like to lose. Al Roker? You know,

huge, huge story about him like passing out from losing weight like a long time ago. Oh, I don't know that story. I'll tell you if you want to tell you. Hold on. Give me two more minutes here. One more white guy. I can't even picture it. There's four of them. Is it Nick Cage? It's not Nick Cage. Give me 20 minutes here. Hold on. Let's see. Skinny black and another honky. It's got to be like a tough white guy, like an actual biker guy. That's why I said Mark Wahlberg. No, he old enough it's old people the rock oh he's not skinny fuck who's a skinny that we all know like guys fucking crazy I can't believe it's who it is really yeah it's not anyone near what you've

guys have yes oh is it the Fonz Will Ferrell ah shit this there's some queef in Idaho going, that's my favorite movie, come on! No, no one that watches this show's favorite movie is Wild Hogs. I cannot... Well, Tim Allen and Travolta's already a wacky... Those two have never done anything together, I don't think. Okay, let's get down to it here.

And then you've got a skinny black guy. It's not Chevy Chase. Give us a hint on the whitey's. The old, young, fat, ugly... It's gotta be Yorks, us a hint on the whitey's, the old, young, fat, ugly. It's gotta be Yorks, I think that's the premise. He's like an incredible actor who's older. Oh, John Voight. Christopher Walken.

That's a good guess. That's a good guess, though. It's somebody like that, though. Neeson? No. Pacino? No. What's the guy, Anthony Hopkins?

Oh. He's an incredible actor. Every time you say him, I'm like, I think that's it. I say with you, I thought it was Cedric. I thought it was Walken. I legitimately am like, perfectly, this is like Mandela, I'm picturing Cedric the Entertainer. He fits in that.

Yeah, he really does. The White Guy is in one of Joe's absolute favorite movies. John Goodman. Arsenio Hall. Favorite movies. White Guy, White Guy is in one of his favorite movies. Oh, White Guy is. Is it Malkovich? Not Joe Pesci. movies John Goodman our city hall favorite movie white guy white guys oh white guys is it malkevich no Ray leota oh did you say I'm like that's it Ray leota could be it it's not leota it's not De Niro not done every good good fella not John Goodman, not Buscemi? No. Buscemi's close,

he's ugly. Oh I know who it is, I know who it is. William H. Macy. You're damn right. Wow. Yes, William H. Macy. Great actor, Fargo. I see what you did there. Wow, okay. William H. Macy, let's get the black. I would have never guessed William H. Macy in 600 years. That's why I said close to Buscemi, because they're both in Fargo. Got it. And ugly. Let me think here. Yeah, now I can kind of picture him the black. I have no clue. No, you got to give us another hint on the Afro-America. But this is what I will guarantee about this African-American. He was their 11th choice.

Yeah, I mean, I can't see him as a movie. They wanted Eddie Murphy. They wanted Cedric the entertainer. They wanted the rock. They wanted Kevin Hart. Yeah, you've guessed a lot of like comedians and actors separately. He's a comedian. Oh, that's big.

Cat Williams. No, he's not Cat Williams, but that's the right area. I'm in the right area. Is that DL Hugh? Nope. Oh, Chris, but that's the right area. He never weighs. I'm in the right area. Is that D.L. Hugh? Nope. Oh, Chris Tucker. That's the right path. Martin Lawrence.

Martin Lawrence. Wow. Yeah, I don't know the weight loss story. The weight loss story, he wore tons of super baggy sweat pants and sweatshirts to lose weight for a roll and suck weight like high school wrestlers do. And he ran and he fucking passed out and he had to be rushed to the emergency room. I knew he ran down the highway with a gun. Martin, Lauren, William H. Macy, is there a sequel to that movie?

I guarantee that movie made a bajillion dollars. It probably did. I mean middle-aged men or we're middle-aged men. Middle-American. Older men too, elderly people were plus. Yes. Because there was also a movie called Wise Guys or Roundabout Guys that was like similar. It was Christopher Walken, maybe Pacino, Morgan Freeman. That was similar. Knock Around Guys or. Oh, I know what you're talking about, where they're old. They're old, like they used to be the mob or something.

Las Vegas. Yeah, that was similar. Is that what I'm thinking of? That's similar. Yeah, it did really well in the box office. There was a sequel planned, but it got canceled. Disney announced a sequel, Wild Hogs 2, Bachelor Ride, would be released in 2010, but in 2009, plans got canceled. Wow.

How about that? Wait, that came out before 2009? Yeah. What? Jeez. 2007. What? Wow, I thought it was like 2018. 17 years. What? I thought it was like 2018.

17 years old. I literally thought it was like 2018, 2016. Dude, my fucking mind is mush. Oh, guess what? Later in the cast, Marisa Tomei. Oh. Ray Liotta is like a very, very side character with like very few lines, I guess. I bet he's like a villain or something.

Yeah. I think he's a cop. Wow. Peter Fonda. Wow. Peter Fonda Wow Peter Fonda This is a who's who of who the fuck sure that was like an homage scene He came in you know like the American flag helmet right right? He's the old it though. What's that? Uh, I'm your writer easy writer. Yeah, which is one of the worst films ever whoo worse than Wild Hogs my baby films ever. Woo! Worse than Wild Hogs? It might be. Damn. Easy Rider stinks. Alright, well boy, this pod's got a lot of range folks. We went from goats and calves to Wild Hogs. Got a lot of free

range. The Hells Angels sued Disney because of this movie, which is crazy. Did they win? No, it said it was voluntary dismissal, meaning I think that they withdrew the suit. I love the idea of a Hells Angels lawyer. I'm the lawyer for the Hells Angels. I'm in a leather jacket. I've cut three people for disagreeing with me. Hells Angel lawyer. That's an SNL sketch right there.

Sonny Bargstein. Yeah. I've just done my crank and I'm ready to lawyer. Anyways, I don't know how we got off on Wild Hogs. I don't know either, but I loved every minute of it. Great hang, great fun, earthquake. I mean, what a wild week. Wild week.

Weird what? Now, is that climate change or is that just the earth being gay? I think it's just fault lines. But I wasn't the whole thing. Like New York's just fault lines, but I wasn't the whole thing. New York's, this fault line is not as crazy as that fault line. We get jiggles and they get jolts or something different. I don't know. Bad radio team, jiggles and jolts. But New York can only last because we're on a slate

of bedrock. That's why the skyscrapers don't fall. It's a lot of weight on this island. Yeah, but the bedrock is saving us. That's a Fun fact I read on a bathroom wall. Well either way that was fun Alec Baldwin, I'm living on a farm. There was an earthquake birthday the whole thing Delta one. You got a lot going on How about this? I did a a Jew gig last night. Whoa Yeah, A jig. Hey. I did a jig for the Jew and Gotham sold out clean. Oh wow. Now you don't realize how offensive your material is till you go up against some clean comics. It's like Corey Kahaney and Mike Vecchione and the other guy.

I just had this with the teacher gig. They said do 20 to 30. I did 20 minutes and 30 seconds. Wow. And it was a lot of like half a through a joke. You're like, I guess I'll end it there. Yes. That ends in a queef.

I had a whole thing on squirting. I was like, oh, I got this bit about my wife. And it ends in squirting. And you're like, oh, squirting's not clean. No. Jerk off this. Jerk off that that jizz this. I mean, it's filthy. I know. I know. And then also I was finding that jokes even that are clean, but the whole joke is like I'm being

misogynist. That's no good because they're also like good people. Yeah, they want good natured humor. Exactly. So you're like, even though this is clean, I'm like, labor's bullshit. It was harder for me. They're like, and I'm like, OK, never mind. Exactly. Well, I opened up by going, I'm going to be clean. I go, hey, Jew gig.

And they didn't like that. I wouldn't imagine. And then I went, thanks for tunneling. They hated that. So I'm already in a tunnel hole. And I came out with the PayPal joke, but that's anti-Semitic. Of course. So I'm shit out of luck here. My yarmulke fell off. They were on to me.

Well, they're very perceptive folks. Sure, sure. Well, you know what else is crazy? They made me share the flyer. I got about nine DMs going, I didn't know you were one of these guys, I'm unfollowing, you're pro-Israel or whatever, and I'm like, I'm doing a gig, I'll do a Hamas gig, you got a Hamas gig, I'm in. Well, what was the fundraiser for? Israel. But like, just Israel the country? I think, something or other. Banks, the weather, whatever they were into. I don't know, but it was for Israel.

Okay, well, what are you gonna do, I guess? I had a Jew star on the flyer. Oh, Jesus. What do you got? Star of David. There we go! Sorry, Star of David. David Cross. Hey, isn't that funny? Star of David Cross. Because this is the star of the cross.

There you go. And the other stuff. Well, Jesus was a Jew. Absolutely, and a carpenter that's right you don't meet a lot of Jewish carpenters in the modern world you got that right somebody had a funny tweet they said uh I like the guy who's just the he's like hey honey our carpenter was killed that's a good point said somebody's just a carpenter that's very funny that's very funny it went viral that crazy kid who ever tweeted that. That's pretty good. We're gonna wrap this fucking thing up. Oh, is that right? Okay. Oh, yeah.

Where you gonna be there slobby jalopy? I'm gonna be with you tonight. Well, it's well passed, but are you excited about this gig? This is old school all the comics in the car. I'm excited about the car ride. I'm excited about eating. I like Raina Zizi He's a good egg and it's's kinda nice to get out and, you know, I'm at the stand, the cellar, New York, so it's kinda fun to like mix it up, and I haven't been a governor since Nick DiPaolo with you. Wow. Isn't that, what is that, 1908?

When was that? That was before Wild Hogs. A long time ago, and it's been a long time for me also. I didn't realize there's two shows. I left my house at 8.45 this morning to do the regs. I'm coming home at like midnight. If you're lucky. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a long time. You're neglectful. You abandoned your child. I've abandoned my boy. No, that's a film. But also I'm like, how do we get home? Like Ari's driving, is he gonna drop me in Queens? Cause Queens is close to governors-ish.

Yeah. I'm like, do I have to drive back to the Lower East Side? We'll figure it out. He will I'm on the East I'm on the West so I'll just hop out early and he can go to the East. I don't know like why I gotta no you're on the West we're gonna be coming from the East. My guy's on the East. I'll get out on the East and walk to the West. Ah geez. But anyways I got my compass. I got all kinds of stuff. Buffalo, April 25th through the 27th. That's Helium, May 2nd. Regent Theater in Los Angeles, of course. And I had to move Indianapolis, unfortunately. I'll be in St. Louis in May. June, I have Salt Lake City. Atlanta, I got Key West in June. And a bunch of stuff.

July 1st, Portland, Maine, that's just about sold out already, low ticket warning, so get on that stat. Oh, I love Portland, man. Me too, and a bunch of stuff. I got a new hot sketch on my YouTube. I'm putting tons of stuff on my YouTube, so get on that. Yes, killing. And go to Punch Up Live, do the email thing,

join the email list, you don't fucking go, oh, when are you coming to my town? We're both on there, Punch Up Live. do the email thing, join the email list. You don't fucking go, oh, when are you coming to my town? We're both on there, Punch Up Live. Absolutely. Slash our names. That's the future. Oh, yeah, yeah, YouTube is popping. You show up in my feed, my thread, my dick.

I'm in Minneapolis, Wisconsin. Minneapolis, Minnesota, Friday, we had this show. Let's try to sell that second one out. That's at the State Theater. Then I'm driving to Madison, Wisconsin for the Overture Center. Add to the show there. Love Madison. I'm gonna walk to the fucking lake.

I'm gonna walk by the frat houses like a creep and just soak up that Madison air. I love that goddamn city. Then I'm in Bloomington, Indiana, Indiana. Yeah, Evansville, whatever that is. And then we're at the LA show, bullshit. Then Vancouver and Victoria, BC. Never been to Victoria. It's an island off of Canada.

I heard it's spectacular. That's what I hear too. I can't believe there's a comedy theater over there. There's enough people for a theater. Royal Oak, Michigan and Fort Wayne, Indiana. Then we're going to Florida, marknomencomedy.com or get me on Punch Up. Get a bottle of Bodega Cat.

Get on the Patreon. We're about to do a little Q and anal right now. And things are cooking. How does Patreon in the city? I owe you money. What do you got? Oh, yeah. CPAP machine. CT. Woo. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, And things are cooking. Hottest Patreon in the city. I owe you money. What do you got? Oh yeah.

CPAP machine. CT. Woo. Check out my podcast Fun Bearable with comedian Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. We're having a lot of fun over there. Funbearablepod.com. I don't know. We're recording ahead because Ray's going to Ireland and England for like a while.

Oh, Ireland. So I'm not sure what's airing right now, but check it out. Funbearablepod.com. Yee-haw. Thank you folks. We'll see you all in hell, queef it up, and raise that lock.