Tuesdays with Stories! - # 551 Mark Snaps! Joe Almost Dies!

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Joe's check gets robbed! Mark straight up LOSES IT on a Tuesgay! Joe overfills a tire and almost takes the lives of himself and those around him! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self. - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what to do. We're back! Hey! We're here, we're back, it's been a whole week! How about that? Good to see you again, it's hot! You know they do a thing in New York City when it gets warmer with the spring and the summer.

They leave the heat on in these fucking buildings and we're all sweating our tits off. It's 60 degrees outside. But then you come in, the heat's on. So now you got the jacket on and you go, whoo! Well, how about this? I mean, I don't want to just come out of the gates as a bummer. Come out. But Thursday, at the time of recording this Thursday weather report, high of 48 and rain. I can't handle it, Jerry. Is that manana? That's manana. Yeah. As of now. There you go. Recording on a Wednesday, folks. Wednesdays with wackies behind the curtain and yesterday was seventy

five blue sky zero clouds beautiful I fucked a kid I smoked a cigar I ate some chocolate I mean I was basking was it Christmas John basking and it was just fucking robin it was fucking awesome and now it's gonna be rainy again. I need 14 days straight, sun 72. You know what I mean? Where you just have that streak of like, you don't even think about it. You walk out with your short sleeves on, and you play catch with your father,

and you kiss the child on the lips. Sure, I mean I've been there, but two weeks is a tall order there, Fanny. I mean, you gotta be, I have to go to Santa Barbara for that shit. Well, whatever, four days. All right, four days. Well, that's a big jump. It's Pacific Northwest up here.

I want to kill myself. It's rain and wind and weather. It's dark gray low cloud. I know. And here's the clinker. Everybody goes, oh, a little rain, you queef. You can't take a little rain. But it's a walking city

It's Christopher walking so you're walking everywhere So you just got to do this shit all day and your umbrella hits you right in the dick hole It's a nightmare and you need the Sun you need the Microbiome and the vitamin Dizzle. Yes and all the stuff. That's what they said that Huberman guy after he fucked my six girlfriends He was like, hey, it's all about sunlight, get out there, put the eyeballs right on Jupiter. The circadian rhythm, and also by the way, I mean not to get all whacked out and wonky,

but this fatherhood is fucking me right in the ass. I haven't slept since Christmas. I hear it's tough. Is no sleep, wondering what, you know, birthdays was the worst days, now we sip champagne when we're thirsty. You know, I'm just tired.

Same old thing. And then it's gray and raining. I need the sun to blast me. And we had Monday, Tuesday, unbelievable. And then it's slowly, now it's 60. And you're like, okay. And then tomorrow, 40s. And rain.

Because today's still a little blue out there. It's nice. Not bad. Where the blue means sad, because blue, blue skies, it's lovely. Good point. I have a point. The blues.

Yeah. Why did blue mean sad? And blue is a good color. You got blue jeans, blue jacket. I love blue. Blue eyes. Blue haired ladies, a little tough. Yeah, but I'd fuck one of them.

Sure. I'd fuck anything. I'd fuck a couch Absolutely a blue couch even I have a blue couch in my basement I'll see you there. I think it's blue. Maybe it's not actually it's actually gray or white The basement one the basement one. I think is it's like mint green. Is it mint green? I think so pull up mindful metal jacket with Salacuse or something. Or H-Foli. I think it's a greenish. That was like a magic trick because I thought you were joking like pull up a picture of my couch and you have one. We got video of the couch. It's like

the Steven Wright joke. He calls information to find his socks. Oh yeah, that's not bad. Oh god, the sound came on. I hate to hear that. Give me a color. Would you? What's the couch color? I don't trust your color. Details. He doesn't see color. He's going to say something weird, but I think it's mint. That's what I've been saying. It looks great. Let me see. Turn the thing. Would you gray scale? I mean, is this the Salak use episode? Gray bar. I'm told it's gray. That's a great scale gray white shark I'm telling you that's pretty great right there ain't no mint and there ain't no greens I'm telling you it's my couch it's a you got glad you have the worst eyes here technically no I have the best eyes here technically how do you

think you got a corrective lenses on here there's no way you're non corrective lenses are seeing better than my corrections I'm 2020 with Mike Wallace. All right, put up a pull up some letters and we'll see who can read what fuck the couch Forget about the great couch if I ever see what's that sticker say? We need a light shortness bitch, we'll do a full-on eye test and go Toe for toe. I tried to do a bit about this years ago. People were like, well, you can't see.

You have glasses. I'm like, yeah, so I can see. Ah. I have the best vision possible. Well, you could say that about a guy with fake legs. Yeah, people do. Pistorius or whatever the fuck his name is. He's got the bouncy metal legs.

Yeah, he was fast. He killed my wife. That's where the Jets play the metal legs metal lands is the name what was I gonna say but no the eyesight's perfect yeah people have glasses have the best eyesight yeah it makes sense cuz you're corrected you have you have you're juicing now if you take my glasses off and smash them on the ground like most people do I won't be able to see anything oh yeah can you read the sticker on the ground like most people do, I won't be able to see anything. Oh yeah. Can you read the sticker on the tripod?

Staten. Staten. Same thing. All right, that's a hell of an eyesight you got there. I'm telling you, I got far and near. Okay, that's pretty impressive, but I think the camera adds 10 pounds and a gray thing. I think Chuck's shirt adds 10 pounds also. But I tell you I knew that couch was gray. I knew it was off white because I took a test as a kid because I was a half

a tar and I couldn't do math. I have dyscalculia. My dad touched me. But they give you a thing a test where they go. Here's a bunch of items and then they cut. They take it away and then they go all right. Right. Every item you saw and I passed with flying colors. Let me, let me see. Cause I think his cameras, I think his photo's a little wonky cause I'm telling you, I bought a couch and we went, we went bold. That's bold. You're a, you're a Jerry. Hold on. Tents of meant. Okay. The story's changing. Ain't no mint tint. Oh, here we go. I need a hint. Hint, tint of mint, whatever it is. Hold on, I gotta get to the ads.

Get up close, you're too far away. I'm telling you, that's what you call gray in the business. That's off white, that's white with accents of gray to give a little color. This is a picture. He did not have a... Look at that. That's his mint. Wait, we get mint. Give me a mint chocolate chip.

We'll put it next to that couch. It'll be a completely different color. That's the mintiest thing I ever saw. You don't know what a mint is. You got no mint. You got no hint. I guess it's not mint per se, but it's not gray. What's gray?

It was white with gray lines. I think it's minty. You're off, Jerry. I'm going to call the... Wait. I'm going to call the... Call the color doctor. No, not the color doctor.

Color coordinator. The couch administrator. Doctor couch. The couch... Ambassador? No, the couch sales people. Alan Alda, whatever it's called. The couch retail.

Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in... Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in... Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in... Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in... Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in... Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in... Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in... Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you's called. The couch retail. Yeah, the retail shop and say, hey, you sold me a couch back in 88. Get Ethan Allen on the horn. That's what I was trying to think of. I said Alan Alda. Yeah, get Ethan Allen. There we go. Ethan Allen Lefkowitz on the phone. He'll say, okay. I know Ray Moore, Flanagan, we

don't talk, but I know Ray Moore pretty well. We'll get him on the blower. Sarah, it's always thought Ray Moore and Flanagan sound like the people that get you out of a DUI. Oh yeah. You call Raymore and Flanagan. We'll get you. You look your car back. Well, Flanagan's Irish. So, you know, he's a, he puts them back, but yeah. Raymore Rayless Payless shoes. I think we're going to be a, those are going to go away. All those dudes, like the names because it's all gonna be corporations gonna be Walmart IKEA you're not gonna have any more PC Richards that guy's out on the on the lamp well I was just talking

about this I'm so depressed Jerry the the rain the snow the sleet the the wind the clouds postman I went down you know it's Patriots Day up in New England, so I was there for the marathon, the Sox game, the whole thing. It feels like it's Patriots Day all the time. Not once a year. Okay. Yeah. Last year, by the way, I did the Wilbur Theater, the Wilbur, Boston, sold out, a thousand people, and this year my agent, who was the best, the pooch, and poochy, he's like,

why don't we save Boston for later in the year? You just did it a year ago. We'll save it. We'll do a big play. So I'll get you something else in New England. Burlington, Vermont. Ooh. Which was awesome. Killer show, rock club.

Oh wow. We did higher ground. Have you done that room? I have not, but it's hard to sell tickets in the big VT. That's how I felt. And it was pretty nice. And I saw a big Carl from Vermont and some other Vermont people. Carl Jr.

And I got some great gifts from the fans. It was a great show and I'll get into it more later, but not a convenient Patriots Day because it's four hours north of Boston. So you're like just trekking up to Canada and you're like now I got to trek all the way back. I love trekking. And the Vermont airport, it looks like a coffee shop in Brooklyn. It's about 10 square feet there's a lady with dreadlocks and armpit hair and

There's two terminals. I didn't fly I drove but I don't think I've ever flown to that airport You drove to bean town I assume and then drove to VT drop the baby I've been doing more driving than I've ever done in my whole life because I drove to Virginia for the vacation Drove that back from Virginia. Well, first I drove to Baltimore. It was New York to Baltimore Baltimore to Sperryville Sperryville to New York New York to Whitman Massachusetts Whitman to Burlington Burlington back to Whitman Whitman to Boston Boston Whitman Whit Whitman, Whitman to Boston, Boston to Whitman, Whitman to New York. Ah, my head's gonna explode. You're like Indiana Jones.

You need those little red lines, you know? I love a red line on my cock. Herpes. Yes. But so much fucking driving. Thin red line. I forget. I never got that movie.

I don't get it. I don't get Terrence Malick. What do you mean? You don't get him. I don't get it. That's not a fun movie. Is that Jude Law? Thin Red Line. It's everybody. I think Ted Danson is in there. That's saving Private Ryan. Cause Thin Red Line and Private Ryan came out on the same day. They came out at the same time. Thin Red Line I think is Adrian Brode. There's like nine people in there. I'm thinking of the one where he's a marksman. With Ed Harris. Jude Law, that was a good flick.

That's behind Enemy Lines? That's a good time. Thin Red Line, no one's ever described as fun. Lot of lines here. It's a four hour art film in Vietnam. I saw it in the theater when I was 16. Then years later, I was like, I didn't get it. Let me get in there again.

Is that Barry Pepper? No, he's in Saving Private Ryan. There was a cluster of war cunts right in the mid-90s. I'm telling you, thin red lines in Saving Private Ryan were the same year or six months apart or something. It's like when Farrah Fawcett died after Michael Jackson. Nobody cared. It eclipsed it.

Exactly. It was like the same day. There you go. I think. We could be off on all these. It's within a three-day menstrual cycle. Speaking of being off, by the way, I had to look it up because I felt all wonky in the head. That was his mother died when he was 22 in the Army. That's right.

You said she outlived him. Because I was like, what? I thought he never got over it. I thought that was the beginning of the end. I looked it up He was like, you know, he was like 11 when she died way, but she had a room in the house Well, I had a room in the house, but I think maybe he gave her a room Like a like a tribute. No the people their father dies. They pitch and they have an empty seat there Maybe the doll like a seat for Jehovah or whatever is the Elijah? an empty seat there. Maybe the, oh like a seat for Jehovah or whatever is the Elijah? Yeah like you do the veterans games, there's always an empty table. The unknown soldier or whatever bullshit. We got a chair here for Shelby. Wheelchair.

It's got a dildo in the middle of it but wait a minute, the dad outlived him. Oh okay. I don't know anything about the dad. Did he have a dad? Oh, he had a dad. Big time. He was a scary guy. He went to jail for a fraud check for $4. Give that a go. By the way, speaking of fraudulent checks, I got a problem. I got a toe here, buddy. Step on it. Uh-oh, you're Batman. I got a call from my management team and like the secretary. Oh, you got a big stain on your leg. I do? You sat in poo. What? Oh no.

What are you talking about? Oh, it's hair. Cat hair? It's a clump. It's a big one. Look at that. It's a toupee. Oh, yeah.

That's a Maine coon for you. What the fuck? That's Greg. Are you sure? Because it looks like a lady hair, hot lady's hair. No, well that was from the Vermont airport. I mean, that's a hell of a bush right there. If we catch capture enough of that, we can get a full cat in here

because this thing's shedding like a mofo. Well, people love the cat days. Oh yeah. Good times. So anyways, I got a check. I got a call from the, my management company, the secretary or whatever the fuck. And she's like crying on the phone. She's like, we sent you a $900 check. Somebody, we had a male thief's like crying on the phone. She's like we sent you a $900 check Somebody we had a mail thief around Christmas time in the neighborhood And they were like, yeah somebody took this and scrubbed it My name's never it's like my name was never there Wow, and the name was like chukong chuku What they didn't catch him they have a Phone, you know when you deposit know, when you deposit a check, when you send a check,

you have a photo of the deposit. Right. So they looked at it and it's like my my company name was never on there. And it says, so you could put to. Oh, what are they? They got a little white out going. I guess. I think it's a big fraudulent thing right now where people just like Frank Abagnale Jr. Wow. By the way, did you get the money back? I haven't. He cashed it.

So cancel it or no, he already cashed it. And that's it. I don't know. They're working on it. It's one of those things where you're like, all right, well, I'd like 900 dollars. Of course, of course. So I felt bad because she's like, I don't know how this happened. I'm like, it's not your fault.

Not your fault. But they got your little doohickey there? I think they jimmied the key or they attacked the man. They hit him with a sack full of pennies or something. Wow, man. First, somebody's fucking in your foyer and now you're getting a kumakuku, Baba. I got a bad foyer. And by the way, I have a similar situation going on now with my comedy mothership check. And that's not a $900 check.

No, no. Keep going. That's up to the spaceship. I mean, you know, that's a sold out weekend at Joe Rogan's club. That's like a yearly salary of... You can feed the migrants with that. I mean, forget about it. And I haven't gotten that check.

So I think Scoob-a-doob-obadoo is making off like a bandit. He's probably going back to the Far East with the Lamborghini. Can we stop with the mail, the snail mail? We're all idiots. We don't know what the hell. I open my mailbox once every six to eight years, and it's just 18 piles from Flanagan and Raymore and JCPenney and Ikea and all this horseshit that I'll never use

I just take it all out and I dump in the garbage and I go back to my day I rip 75% of the mail 85 90 over here. It's fun to just rip things It's good to rip but then my managers like why don't we start wiring you but I hate a wire because then they go Give us your routing number your alphabet number your batting average in high school your routing number, your alphabet number, your batting average in high school. Right, your dick size, your body count. I can't find the stuff, Jerry. I'm an asshole, I'm an idiot.

I can show you how. I had the same problem, but it's easy. I know routing and a count, but then it's like, Zell? Forget about it. Oh, I hate Zelda. I had, well, I can't say her name, who, somebody owed me money and they Zelled me.

I couldn't get it for six weeks. Just laying Maxwell I did a West Side Comedy Club good room But they go here if you want to get paid fill this out just fucking pay me give me a stack of cash Give me a you're we're here. Give me a check. Well, how about the invoice people? Did we talk about this on? I got a gig for a show serious radio. I appreciate it. They gave Sarah and I do a show on the holidays. No one's ever heard of it or seen it. I've got one tweet. Oh, we're doing it for 12 years. So you're like Nichols and May over here.

No idea. And no one's ever seen it. But I started to go, you have these things. We have like a mental clock where all of a sudden you go, you go, didn't a serious radio owe me $4,000. And then you kind of go, what the fuck? This is the problem with having, I shouldn't say a problem. It's a very fortunate, whatever, happy, grateful. But with making money, you don't notice. In the old days, if somebody owed you $400, you were like, oh. Oh my God.

Your electricity got turned off. You couldn't eat. Girls got to eat. You call your parents. Sure, I remember. But now I'm like, wait, didn't I owe money? And they go, oh, you gotta send an invoice. And I don't get it.

Can you explain the invoice? Because you say, your company X, well that is a company I guess, company Y, and you go, hey, I'll give you 400 bucks if you suck me off to completion. Sure, good deal. Now I suck you off to completion. Yeah. Give me my 400 bucks. you suck me off to completion sure now I suck you off to completion yeah give me my 400 bucks now I gotta I gotta come up with a chart an email and send it back to you I know I hate it cuz they want it for their

records well you figure out your records now I gotta do homework so you could have records well why don't you print up the invoice yeah I don't get it you can do that you can go send me an invoice I'll fill it out Now it's on them. I'll say I Louis made me sell an invoice and so I had to find a place online Super easy you put in your name their name amount. That's it. Hey, I can do that shit quick chat GBA, but I didn't know Louie was an invoice cunt. This is worse than that's the worst thing he's ever done for the screening of the July I don't know about the invoice. Well the other day I did a thing for Louie, which is very exciting, and they had printed invoices. Ah, that's nice.

There, they go, just sign this. That's nice, get it, knock it out, move on with my life. The person doing the invoicing should make the invoice. Completely, you want it, you make it. Exactly. You break it, you bought it. So any farts, I'm all over the map, what the hell was I talking about?

But anyways, I lost a $900 check, and I've lost another bigger check. Yeah, well you'll get it. You'll get that other one. The bigger check hasn't been cashed. I think that maybe that wasn't stolen. Maybe it was just lost somewhere. But watch out for these folks.

They'll scratch your name out and put their name in. I don't like it. I don't trust the snail mail. It's all piped. It's all just flying around the earth, you know in an airplane or a mail carrier a sack and then it goes in this random box It's all very antiquated. I guess it's antiquated but it is fun. It is a check it and a Christmas card I do enjoy but it's fun when you're like, what's this? Whoo mothership. Oh, baby. We're going to get lobster That's what I said to my manager. I like getting the check because it feels like something.

You open it up. I've always wanted one of those knives. You ever wanted one of those knives? My mom had one. Yeah, me and my brother would stab each other. My grandmother had one. Same thing. Letter opener, which seemed a little aggressive.

Do we need a machete in the office? But it's fun to have the flip. Sometimes they have the switch blade. Oh, we never had the switch. No, we didn't have that either, but I've seen it. I see. In the movies. OK, what about the razor?

Remember that? Yeah, that was cool yeah yeah anything flipping open is nice absolutely like this whoa watch the language we're gonna get demonetized how about Ari Ari still loves the finger game yeah he's 59 it's over say that was fun we did that gig huh you me and we gotta talk about Say, that was fun. We did that gig. Huh? Oh, Governors. We did the gig. You, me, and Larry. Oh, yeah. We got to talk about that. Yeah, that was fun. That was a great time. Governors, thanks for everybody that came out.

We all did 15 minutes and rocked it. We had a big old dinner, a big Italian owner. It was great. Hot show. I mean, that was killer. Atlanta. Smoked cigars outside, ran as easy, you, me. And then Danny Braff showed up and kind of spoiled the fun.

A little bit. Who says that? But we had a great time and it was nice to be together again. We were all on the road, we were all running around the city, so it was nice to just hang out and do some jokes. It's nice. I haven't seen Ari in four months. Literally. Well, he's been all over the globe as he does, and he just is doing a special in a week. So he's been running the special like a madman. He's done 30 hours and 30 days, he told me. Wow.

Yeah, cuz he does two hours one night, and the next night another two hours, and the next night he does one hour, then he takes a night off, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's fun to hang out with. He's a good egg. He's punk rock. We were talking about punk rock. He does his own thing. Yeah I suppose he does. But we all do our own thing. I guess you're right. At this point. Yeah. I mean I haven't done something for a

you know a company. I guess I did this tonight show. And serious. Oh yeah, serious. Yeah. That's pretty every once in a while. And there's nothing more punk rock about a show that no one's ever heard of. You got that? That's the most punk rock thing you can do. Yeah although it is a holiday show with your wife, which seems like Woody and Bob Hope. Yeah, but I don't know. The one guy likes it. All right, well, hey, keep doing it for Steve List. I mean, literally, nobody's ever written been like, good up.

Yeah. But you get money if you fill out your own paperwork and send it off. There's some trucker out there on crank who's driving on Christmas Eve. He hears it, he's got a hooker blowing him for $400 cash. I think a trucker hears a woman and he's going for that dial. That's a good point. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. All right, there's a little Glenn Beck.

How about these WNBA people? There's the people that are like, ah, she's not making enough money. It's the craziest thing I've ever heard. I don't want to get too kooky, but I'm like, I don't understand. I had the same fight yesterday with someone that WNBA is not making enough money. I'm like, you know, the NBA is kicking money over to them and paying for the whole organization and losing money. That doesn't make any sense. It's charity. That's the nicest thing ever. These people are going crazy. I'm like, you should do an amount of research. Well, Bill Burr covered it pretty well. It doesn't make any sense. I'm like what is it? What am I seeing here?

This is crazy. Well my angle was only fans Women on only fans make way more money because they're hot women right men on only fans make shit So how about these rich successful ladies onFans kick a few shekels down to the ugly loser naked guys? Yeah. I mean, one of them keeps buying outfits for my son, which is nice. Oh, right, right, right, right. But other than that, I'm not getting anything.

No, no. But yeah, it's a good point. And I don't know, it's all this equality stuff. You're like, but it doesn't add up. There's statistics and finances involved here. Well I get annoyed when people that don't... They don't do the research. Yeah they're like they've never watched a sport they don't know anything about sports. Yeah. They're like what the hell is this? And you're like well get WNBA season tickets and a couple jerseys and a foam finger. I know. And she'll make a couple hundred extra bucks. Completely agree but they don't support it. The ladies. No! They just want everyone else to like it and have it be successful without supporting it. I know. It's much like

Twitter. They're like, we gotta fix this and you're a racist. And you're like, I watched a video the other day of a Norwegian guy and he's in a tugboat and he's got a huge net on the Atlantic and he's picking up bottles and he's like, the net is picking up the bottles and we are saving the world 10 years and 10 years the whole ocean will be clean thanks to me. No one's ever heard of this fucking guy. Meanwhile some chooch is out in the highway going meh climate change you're not gonna go to work I'm gonna block the bridge you're like this cum guzzler is out here on the Atlantic

in a fishing boat, and you're on the highway or throwing soup at the Mona Lisa. Be the change you wanna see in the asshole. That's what I'm saying, and this guy should get blown. I'm sure he gets blown. I don't know, he's pretty ugly. I don't know, well, I am too, but I get blown occasionally. He smells like the sea.

Nor does he have birthdays too. That's true, That's a good point But any parts where the hell were we? Boat tear my change like boat there. That's a good wrestler Tugboat tear here he comes Talk about day puts you in the net the strip net. Yes. Oh, he's putting them in the net, the shrimp net. The net. Yes. Oh, he's putting them in the net. The net bedding.

But tugboats don't have nets. Ah, they got a smokestack. Tugboats tug. They tug. Derek works in tugboat. No way. Well, I'm not on one. He sits at home in a stupid office.

I see. But there's tugboats involved somewhere. They're out there. Yeah, he should tug you by your leg around the ring. Oh, he's tugging them. Heads up. Yeah, tug job. Here comes the tug. Oh, yeah. Iging him, heads up! Tug job.

Comes the tug! Oh, yeah. I like that, he straps him and just runs fast. The guy, his skin gets burned. Yes! Ah, rug burn! Rug burn, tug burn. Ned Burns.

Mr. Burns? All right. What's his first name? Montgomery. Oh, Montgomery Burns, that's right. Yes, yes. Sidewinder, what's his name? It's not Montgomery? Charles Montgomery Burns. Ah. Yes It's not Montgomery Charles Montgomery burns

What's his thing partners that Smithers Smithers what's his first name Whelan? Well, let me tell you about this. Please. I got into a run-in with a gay. A two's gay or a homo? A two's gay. He might have been a homo, but he was definitely a two's gay.

Now I think- Homo's funny, I don't care what goes on. Cancel me, throw paint on my face. Homo's funny thing to say. Yeah, Andrew Homo. But so... Homo! Homo's funny. I think it rhymes. Homo. Of course, it's great. Be careful, he's a homo. We love the giz. Remember, no homo. That was fun. Hideo no homo. Oh, aha. There was a picture of Hideo no mo. Ah. Throw a no hitter for the Sox. Got it.

All right. Well, I'm at the stand, doing my usual run around the town of sets. I get the guy, I walk on stage, Mark Norman. Woo, you walk up and this guy goes, Tuesday. You go, hey, there you go, fatty. All good. He's a fan, show pipes, queef.

And so I'm doing my bit, you know, he's like, ah, so mugs are weird. He's like, oh, mugs, baby, praise Allah. Yeah, yeah, all right, buddy, there you go, fatty. Take her easy. It's the worst. Okay, so, and I'm kind of working on new, so it's a little clunky already.

Sure. And when you're clunky and you're working on new, you're on edge, you know, you're teetering. You're unbalanced. You're not rock solid with your act. So he's just throwing this shit out at me. And then I just stop responding. And then he just starts talking to his friend.

He's like, what are you getting? I'm going to get an IPA. You don't like IPA? Get the fuck out of here. What are you, a homo? Homo is a funny word. Oh, no mo. He's a pitcher. You know, they're just going at it. And I go, God, now he's talking. So I'm just trying to stay afloat, kind of bombing. And then he keeps yelling

again. He's like, bah, go Mets or whatever the hell he says. And I eventually go, shut the fuck up. You're killing me. You're supposed to be a fan. This is what a fan does. You're a Tuesday and you do this. You ruin the whole show. I'm trying to work on new shit. You're supposed to be a fan, this is what a fan does. You're a Tuesday and you do this, you ruin the whole show. I'm trying to work on new shit, you're ruining my night. You're the good guy, get out of here. It was a fan duel. Yes, so I snap on the guy. Uh-oh, I might have moved the camera.

Probably. And then I try to go back into my set, whatever. And it's all ruined, the whole thing's done. It's awkward in the room, there's tension. I get up, he's right by the door, so I have to pass him. Don't you hate that? Nothing I hate more. Hate to pass.

So he stands up, and he's shithoused, of course, and he goes, Let me apologize. Give me two minutes, let me go out here, we'll talk it out, we'll apologize. And I go, No thank you. I give him the stiff arm, and I blow past him. Wow, yeah, this is what happens, I think. It's the same with concerts. You get to like a concert-y level. Right. People pregame. I'm going to see Norman tonight. They chug beer and they go, I'm going to go crazy. And I've had the same thing at rock shows where people are just screaming, yeah, f**k it. Boo. So you're Like, all right. Shut up. But it's a 15 minute set, 12 minute set, whatever the stand is, there's 120 people in there.

This ain't no Bruce. This is a showcase show at a club. Buddy, the principle I'm saying is annoying. Sure. The Mr. Belding. Right, right. But yeah, no, it's annoying. And they think that this is going to be fun.

But I like a nice Tuesday. I'll take a Tuesday. And then just, that's the end of think that this is gonna be fun, but I like a nice two's gate I'll take a guess That's the end of that's the end of it, but that was not the end and the talking he's so excited and juiced up He's got a chat with his friend at full volume and the waitress came over and she was like, what do you guys need? He was like, give me an IPA. She's like she gave him that one and then so he's talking and yelling out and He tried to make amends, but I was like well Why do I want to make amends? Now I got to apologize now. I got to accept your apology. I hate you right apologize later also

Sure, we're up. Oh my god. I was an asshole now You're still just a drunk guy breathing whiskey tits in my face. Yes. Yes, that doesn't help me So I just blew past him and went to another club, but that's frustrating. I bad. I don't know if he's gonna see this, but it's just... You're ruining the show. I don't know if he knows that he's ruining it, because I think he's like, supportive. I'm the fan. I'm the guy with the fucking... What do you call that? That's... Penant. Penant! Thank you!

No problem. Yeah. He's got the pennant, and it's got a little dick on it with both of us going... That's a product. That's a... Make the and it's got a little dick on it with both of us going, and that's a product. That's a make the merch. You're a genius. Well, there you go. Pennants. We got to sell pennants. There you go.

Yes. You're come up in it. What is pennants exactly? You said and then you have a pennants. Yeah, I think you got to. It's like it comes from Penny. I think you got to pay your pennants. Oh, I made up the penny thing. But I think you got to pay your penance. Oh, I made up the penny thing But I think you got to pay something. It's a penance for your your your your punishment, right? Yeah, okay

All right, we should sell gay penance. We should sell penance That's not bad. You know that gaze we have Product anymore. I can't remember. Oh we do. Where does it come from? I have no idea I haven't gotten any money. Yeah, me neither. Yeah. What the hell? Shelby Shelby sit on a golden toilet right now. What big cartel? Is that the name of it? Big tell. Is that stories of big cartel that we shot in that movie? Narcos? No. What's that?

Sicario. That's a picture. Hell of a film. Now, that is a fucking motion picture. Good time. My God. Woo. Well, so that was it. So I just had to get that out there and I might see this and look, we're all good. Just don't ruin the show and you know, send a nice comment, send us a pennant and we'll all be gravy. What was that group? Six pens. None the richer. Remember that? No, no, that wouldn't miss me. No, they sang, this is the story of a girl. Oh, maybe they, is that with them? I think so. Yeah. That it was that or, um, never caught

the title of the band. No, that's the cardigans. Yes. She was hot. Six pens. None the richer. They had, they might've had a different one than that. It was a big hit. Kiss me is their first one. That was them. Yeah, that was them. Oh, no kidding. Those are the Cardigans too. Oh, There She Goes? There she goes. They were big. That's in like eight movies. Yeah. I think they might have been another one. What's their name? It says also Breathe Your Name and Don't Dream It's Over, but I don't know those. Don't Dream It's Over. I got that all wrong. Don't dream it's over. That's a different song. Hey now, hey now, don't dream it. Maybe they covered that.

No, we don't get any money anyway. Yeah, good point. I got a company that wants to take over this operation. You heard about it? Yeah, Burns is, we're trying to set up a meeting next week. Oh yeah, we're gonna take over and take us right to the moon. Why don't we give them a trial run, see if there's any needle movement. They got some big names, big names. All right. I'm telling you, they're going to move the needle. They promise they guarantee

guarantee movement. A big time. This is going to be huge. All right. Well, I say we give them a trial run and if they move the needle, we hang on to them. Absolutely. So anyways, expect big, big changes around here. Get ready to see a lot of clips and we'll really jizz it right up your face. Yeah, it's gonna be huge, but let me give you a little tail. Please, please, tail, pin the donkey on it. So I told you, I've been driving all over creation. Yes, yes.

Put a couple thousand miles on the old family sleigh. Oh yeah, ho, ho, ho. So, well, only one ho in the group. But those days are behind her. So, drive from Virginia, I'm driving in Virginia, Sperryville, beautiful, we talked about it. Oh yeah, very scenic. Now it's a farmhouse, so it's up this long,

dirt, gravelly, grindy road. Ah ha. And my parents had rented a car, so you wanna take their car, up this long dirt, gravelly, grindy road. Uh-huh. And my parents had rented a car, so you want to take their car, but we couldn't get the car seat in their car, and the car seat's already... It's a pain in the ass, this baby shit. Oh, that's a nightmare. It's delicious baby shit, but it's a pain in the ass. Sure.

By the way, I said this to a... I was doing a show, and I said, hey, I got baby brain. It's when you want to fuck a baby? Uh-huh. And this woman was like, no, no, no. I had a similar, I got baby brain. It's when you want to fuck a baby. This one was like no no no No, no Shut it down I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm a comedian not having sex with babies. Yes. It's cool

If I did it you think I just confess into a microphone that I do. No, no, no, no, don't say that. Yes All right. Well, it's I already said it and you'll be okay. I the exact. Let me just say I went up to I said I just finished rubbing one out to the Nickelodeon dock and the lady goes, eww. And I go, I'm joking. She goes, I don't think you are. Here we are. All right. Well, okay. Well, I'm not joking. I came all over my television set. Yes. Yes. You dummy. But anyways, so I'm driving up and down the gravel road and you drive up and down these, it's like this. Sure. And I'm like, this can't be great for the old vehicle. No, bad on the tire, bad on the chassis. The grundle? The taint. I don't know, the undercarriage. The undercarriage, yeah. Where Todd Show Bob hangs

out. That's right. What's his first name? Bob. Good point. What's his last name? Up and down in the water? Terwilliger. What a fucking loser. Is that right? I think so. All right. There's no way you've had sex with as many women as you claim to. There's no way. You've met most of them.

Well, a couple of them. Hmm. Yeah, but I didn't care for them. Yeah. One of them looked like a Simpsons character. I think't care for them. Yeah What I'm looking at Simpson's character Think she had jaundice You'll get three fingers, but you know why cartoons have three fingers They can't draw them just to save time no that's true Wow Just easier they realize three fingers just looks like good enough. It works close enough. Yeah, I can play them They realize three fingers just looks like good enough. It works.

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Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information and thanks blue chew for sponsoring the show yeah what the fuck am I talking about you talk about up and down the gravel road chassis up and down the gravel road the shocks and struts so we get ready to leave my folks leave and Sarah and I get in the car with the baby. Off we go, back to New York. It's a seven and a half hour drive. And you're driving up the gravel. Nightmare.

This is why everyone has trucks out there. So I get on the highway. Yellow light, low tire pressure. Oh. Which, now maybe there's a way to scan through and I'm just retarded, but they should say this tire, front driver's side tire has a PSI of 11. The new cars do. I'm sure they do.

Mine maybe even does, but it should just say it right away. I don't know. Give me the specific tire. So I go, okay. Now this is intimidating because you know, my father didn't father all that much in this realm and you know, he's a quiet fellow sweetheart, but I'm like, okay, I gotta do that. Here we go. So you pull over, you go to the gas station and there's different tire filling stations. Is that right? Oh yeah, there's good ones. It's like anything else. Oh, okay. Good ones and bad ones. Yeah, there's that air and you put a quarter, go

exactly. That's the old one. Okay. Not when you don't know how much you have left. You don't know what's going on. So that's eyeball it. The first one, I'm out in the sticks in Virginia. It looks like an old newspaper box. Yes. Yes, and so we got to scramble some quarters together I'm trying to make something out of tin foil and sure we're jamming quarters in there You put Sarah right on it chill jizz and they tell you remove the the tire caps to maximize time Okay, cuz we've all been there where you put it in it just stops and you're like well I didn't get to the fucking other tire. Oh yeah, good point. So now I'm just guessing because all the tires look okay.

I'm jumping up and down on them, pushing on them. They look all right. So I take the thing, it's the little metal circle. You jam it on there and you're like, I guess that felt like something. I know. Then you're like, is this thing going to blow up in my face? Exactly. I've had the same fear.

So I do it. I run around the car, the baby's looking at me like my father's inept retard, Sarah's looking at TikTok, she doesn't give a fuck. So I'm just- My father's gay. Filling it all up and you go, okay, think I did it, spent the quarters, here we go. Good husband. Start the car, bloop, low tire pressure.

Yeah! And I'm like, fuck me. And the whole time I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. I'm not a man. I'm a fucking homo. I suck. Drive. Get my third cup of tea, my fourth donut.

Drive 300 miles. Get out. Go to a gas station. I'm like, well, I'm here. There's a tire thing here. Might as well charge it up. Let me try this one. This one's not the quarter.

This one takes a tap. So you're like, OK. And it has the built in tire gauge. Oh, I love the gauge. But it's not electronic. It's like the little metal thermometer. Have you seen that thing? Yeah, just got those little notches on it. It does that and you can barely see it. Yes. And I know enough to know the psi, the recommended psi is on the door. That's right. I know enough. Some things recommended PSI is on the door. That's right.

I know enough for some things. That's something. Most people don't know that. That's above average. I'm like, okay, 35. So I go, it goes 28. Okay, this is the low one. Pops up 33.

All right. Pops up 31. I'm like, all right. Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss on them looks great you feel you have an idea which one it is a sense I think maybe it's the front driver's side so that I drive another hundred miles oh I pull over again Sarah's gonna go change the baby she's doing baby shit I see another tire thing I go let me try one more time all right light off I like it I am committed to getting this fucking light off of my car cuz it's like a it's like a tick you can't get rid of it it's a herpy wart you just wanted to go away it's like when you have like a a sore you're like a what do you call that a scab okay you can't stop looking at it yes yes you understand everything i get it friendly i'm with you so i go all right let me try this one now this is gonna i don't know if you've seen this this is gonna blow your tits off and this is the kind of thing where once you see it,

you're like, how could this not be 100% of this thing? All right, I'm excited. Like when you have the, like, like Costanza with the moving sidewalk. Yes. You're like, how come we don't have that everywhere? Good point. You go there, or the bathroom with the occupied,

unoccupied. Oh, that's huge. I go over, now this machine, what you do is, you use the credit card, bo. Oh, that's huge. I go over it. Now this machine, what you do is you use the credit card, boop, and it's all automated. You type in your desired PSI, then you hook it on and it beeps when you're at that PSI. Wow, that's incredible. How is this not, this should be spread across the country and I'm sure it will be with AI and Gai and whatever. Wow, what town are you in in the country and I'm sure it will be with AI and GAY-I and whatever. Wow, what town are you in? The future? I've never heard of this. This is in New Jersey on the parkway.

Woo, alright NJ, pick it up the slack! Or the turnpike, not the parkway. You know, low tire pressure kills more people than anything else in a car. Tell me more about that. Well, I don't want to scare you, but I'm just saying it's like a big cause of accidents. Really? Because it doesn't handle well, you slip off the road, a tire goes bunk, you jerk left, you hit the wall. I'm realizing this is a very long story.

I'm sorry. No, no, this is on the edge of my dick. Cause it goes on for a while. Keep going, Fetty. So I type it in 35, give me the 35 PSI. Yes. I hook it onto the back tire, cause it reads the current PSI before, so it'll lower or raise it. Yeah, I hook it on to the back driver side

49 Yeah, but the tire looks like you know Gabriel and glaciers Fucking bursting at the same got a Lizzo back there. So I'm like, oh shit, I got a baby in the car. So he goes, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, 35. Wow. I hook on to the other one, 41. I'm like, fuck me hard twice, because that can blow up and kill you too.

Sure. So I go to the front tire, front driver's side. There's one I suspect might have an issue. It says 28. And I'm like, I've filled this three times. So this is the the one I suspected might have an issue, it says 28, and I'm like, I filled this three times. So this is the problem tire. You might have a leak. So it goes up to 35, I go, great.

Then I go over to the other tire, that one's high. So I go, all right, well they're all, and it's still going, I still have some air left, some time left, so I go, they're all high, and this one's low, even though I just filled it. So it's gotta be this one. So then I just, just to check, I go back, I put it back on that one. It's at 33.

Ah. So it's losing PSI immediately. Interesting. What do you got, a pinhole prick? So I don't know what's going on. I go, all right, there's a problem, but I got to go home. Now I'm like 100 miles from home, and it's close enough. It fills it to 35.

Drive home. We get home safely. Did the light go away? Light never went away. Ah! So there's an issue. We get out, we unpack, it's a fucking nightmare, you got all this shit, you bring the baby,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now I'm only home for a day and a half. We did the Long Island gig. Ah. And the next day I'm driving to Boston. So I'm fucking out of my mind. Just too much car time. Very time consuming that boss, that gig,

that Long Island gig too. You could have gotten a lot done. You're damn right. I had one day home and we podcasted all, I did the regs in the morning, then this podcast in the afternoon, and then I went straight to, we went straight from here to the gig.

You gotta focus. It was a 13 hour day. Yeah. It was my only day home. I had no lounging computer time. No kid, no baby, no wife. No like returning email, all that shit. So we go, we pack, we have the one day here, Long Island, next morning we gotta get up bright and early and leave. Now when you have a kid, as I'm sure you can guess, it's not just throw your backpack in the car. No, no. You gotta get the pack and play,

you gotta get the stroller, you gotta, and the stroller takes up the whole chunk So you got to do like a game of Tetris to figure out how to fit everything right? You got to have the baby toys you got to have the fucking blanket You got to have the diaper and the thing and the thing so you fill the car up like fucking grapes of wrath We get in the car. I text my mother will be there in four hours and 12 minutes give or take yeah, we get there flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip flip oh or take. Yeah. We get there. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. Oh, it finally crapped out. Right away. I'm like, we go 100 feet and we're packed to the gills.

Oh, like Beverly Hillbillies with the whole roof full and everything. Right away, flat tire. So you're like, we're fucked. Yeah. And we got a gig. It's not just a leisure trip. Spare. You got a spare. Well, here's the thing. Donut. Spare on. But you can't drive 225 miles with a spare on. No, you can't go above 70, I believe, in a spare. Something like that.

Now, luckily, I live in Queens, which is the fucking car fixer up capital of the planet. Mazpeth is a tranny's dream. Absolutely. So I'm over in... Engine Transmission. Trans Am? Yes. So I go, all rightmission Trans Am. Yes. So I go. All right. There's a pep boys. There's 100 places, but pep boys is, you know, it's reliable. It's not fucking.

You know, we talked about it. It's an Armenian guy. Yeah. You want a corporation sometimes. Yes. Yes. Pep. So we go over to pep boys. It's like 400 yards to get there. Oh, you can roll that thing with a stick and like a hula hoop. Maybe a quarter mile, whatever. Fucking six minute drive.

We drive over there, and it's an overrack, because we're on a flat tire. We get over to Pep Boys, we drive away happy, we pull in, and sorry, this story is so long. No, this is good. I mean, you're a father here. You're going to save your family here. And you've got to get out of this car.

You're driving like your Mad Max over here. I'm terrified. I pull, you're a father here. You're going to save your family here and you got to get out of this car. You're driving like, uh, your bad backs over here. I'm terrified. I pull in the parking lot. I go in, I call and I go, I got a flat tire and I don't know how it works. I'm like, can you switch me out and just send me on my way? And the guy goes, well, it's first come first serve. We'll take a look at it. I go in right away. I walk in. There's 350 people waiting in line. Everyone looks sad. And yeah, well, the problem with Pep boys is everyone knows if you go to Greasy Charlie's over here he's gonna rape you and go oh flat tire you trying to get to Boston huh? That's gonna be $9,000. They're like wait what it's just a patch or a new tire. He's like yeah

they got you by the balls Jerry. So I go in there and there's 50 people. It looked like the Twix scene in that horrible episode of Seinfeld that makes no sense and I absolutely hate. Grease monkey. All of a sudden George has food but he doesn't eat it. Huh? One of the worst episodes. What do you mean he has food?

The whole, George's whole plot. He's hungry. Is that he's hungry and he can't find food. Then he does a candy bar lineup. Somehow he just acquires seven candy bars. Good point. And doesn't get any other food while he's there and doesn't eat any of the candy bars. Yeah, you got a good one there.

Literally makes no sense. Twix! I hate it. But anyways, so- How you gonna start it? So, how you gonna start it? That's pretty good luck. But he's great. Love putty.

So- Silly putty. Napalm and puttyty nutty putty. I don't know. I finished the story there buddy. So the car is putting. So I get in there. I go, Hey pal, I got to try to man it up when you're in there. I say chief and doc. Yes. He dicks out. What's up there chief. I got a and doc. Yes, he dicks out. I'm like, what's up there chief? I got a fucking flat tire. My wife was blowing me and the tire went out.

It's smoking, it's blowing on him. You know, I came on her tits like she deserves and all of a sudden the tire is flat. She should be in the kitchen. I let her out. I got my glasses hidden. You know, I shaved a swastika on my beard. Right, squinting in there.

I go, yeah, the tie is flat. You know me. I'm crazy. And the guy goes, well, we'll take a look at it. I say, great. He goes, just wait in the lounge over there. So I'm standing there, the baby and the kid are in the car. I mean, baby and the wife are in the car.

Then about, I don't know, 15 minutes pass and I go outside and one of the pep boys, I don't know which boy it was, was walking up to the car and he goes, hey, this is your car? Yeah, I'm gonna throw it on the thing. And I go, oh, my wife and baby are in the car. Hold on one second. And he goes, well, I'll come back. Oh no.

And I go, no, no, no, no, no. No, I got you. I'll get them out. It'll take 30 seconds to get them out of the car. I have the window. He goes, don't worry, I'll be back. And he leaves for like eight minutes. Ah. It takes four

seconds to get out of a car. You just been in Boston by then take the baby out. So now we're just sitting there. I'm holding the baby. The fucking was finally comes, takes the car, brings it in the garage. I walk back inside. Just a tire. Well, they got to look at it. They got to put it up and look at the time. I don't like the putting it up. So they take it in. I walk back inside. It's chilly raining. The guy goes, Hey, can I talk brother? Can I talk to you? I go, yeah, bro. I walk over and he goes, uh, yeah, not salvageable. Got to need a new tire. Okay. And I say, Oh, you just got it in there. You already looked at it. He goes, Oh yeah, we're fast. And I go, okay. He goes, you. You already looked at it? He goes, oh yeah, we're fast. And I go, okay.

He goes, you need a new tire. Now I'm like, whatever, I just gotta get to Boston. I wanna get there safely. I go, okay, we'll get a new tire. And he goes, and the other front tire, little fucked up tire, he shows me some stats. He pulls up a sheet. You're at so and so, some numbers,

eight, you're at a six, repeat that. So the front two tires, the back tires are good. And I did just have my tires rotated. And he goes, you want the better tires in the back? And I said, well, I just had them rotated recently because I'm good about my car. Yeah, I get oil change. I'm on it. And I get a tune up

because a car should be able to fucking last. So give a Google on how much a tire costs. Just just so I know. Well, he pulls it up. OK, because we got these time we got good rich in. He goes, you want these ones are one twenty nine. Ah, never mind. These ones here are sixty nine. But he's like, those ones aren't great.

You got to want the better tires. You get your kid. You go to a trip. Now we're upselling. And I go, hey, give me the good tires. I'm a successful guy. Give me the good tires. I don't care. OK, you get the guacamole on the good tires. I'm a successful guy. Give me the good tires. I don't care.

Okay, you're getting the guacamole on the burrito. All right, it's gonna be a few hundred bucks, but it'll get me in and out. And I'm just worried about time more than money. I go, how long is that gonna take? He goes, I don't know, half hour, but I gotta tell you, you need an alignment too. Oh, okay.

We got a live one here. It's just reelin' you in. So I go, well, let me ask you, can I get an alignment down the road somewhere? Because time, I got a gig here. It's just real again. So I go, well, let me ask you, can I get an alignment down the road somewhere? Because time, I got a gig here. I'm one of the top comics in America, my friend. You got that right. I got a leather suit in the trunk. I got to do a show in Burlington. There's black people and there's, we got to go. Yeah. And so I go, well, the alignment, maybe he's like nice He's like you could but you want to want it cuz the tires are gonna wear off and the cars just pull it Oh, this guy's a real piece of shit now

I then I say a second time I go you can tell all this from you barely had the car in there He goes I'm telling you he's like we're looking at the car and I want you to save and I go, okay All right, and he goes the cars pull in your tires are wearing off and I want you to be safe. And I go, okay. All right. And he goes, the car is pulling your tires are wearing off. And I'm thinking, pull it doesn't pull at all. No, it's got 44,000 miles on it. It's all highway miles. I don't drive it in the city. And I get it tuned up and changed. Yes. But I go, bye. Ah, you gave in. Align me and give me two new time. We're gonna have the safest fucking car on the road.

Yeah. And I go, how long is this going to take? He goes, 45 minutes. And I say, let's say an hour just because I don't want to fuck you. And he goes, here's your total, $498. Woo, that's a stiff bill. But the 45 minutes is the more important thing. I'm like, OK, we'll be out here in 45.

We'll go pace around 500 bucks. I'm not thrilled about it, but the car will be tip top when we leave. All right, I feel fishy. So I go, all right, here's my car. And he goes, no, no, you pay at the end. And I go, okay. And so we just pace around.

Now the baby's getting a little cranky, so we just pay. I go, let's get our steps in. You try to maximize your time. Yes, yes. We'll get our steps in. So we just start pacing around. We get about 9,000 steps

Oh wait Wow about 20 minutes pass and you're just counting down till we can get out of it The guy goes hey my friend. Yeah, Bell he goes Geez here comes to Ching Ching Ching Ching. He goes I gotta tell you I fucked up Look at the wrong car. Oh, and I know it because they only it was only in there for 30 seconds. Of course. And I'm like, my alignment is great. My fucking tires are tip top. He goes, yeah, you got a I was looking at

a Toyota. You're not even in a Toyota. I know a Toyota. It's a Sentra. You know, some asshole fuckface is beating the shit out of his car and driving like a dick smooch all over a creation Ruining his car Wow. He needs the alignment. He needs the tires. You got that right fatty. He goes. Yeah, you just got a puncture He's like we're gonna patch it up 26 bucks Look at that. I would have sucked him off for that. I'm like, 26 bucks, that's nothing. That's how it goes.

I knew something was up. And it makes you realize, I want everything ever. When I buy something, I want someone to go, that's 380 bucks. And I go, what? Okay. And he goes, just kidding, it's 49. Yeah. Thank God you didn't pay.

You almost paid in the beginning. I know. So they are honest after all. All right, peppy. Pep boys. And because that was the craziest thing was the time the car went in the beginning. I know so they are honest after all. All right Peppy. Pep boys and uh because that was the craziest thing was the time the car went in the garage and maybe maybe two minutes had passed and he came up with stats and was like you need new wheels and tires. But I gotta

say I mean it's scary to know you can be that quickly rooked. Well but he wasn't rooked that car did need the tires. I guess so I guess so so, but you know, you gotta have the wherewithal to go, what the hell, he was in there for two seconds, now about 500 clamps? But you believe what people tell you, I guess. You want the safe car, and you know, whatever. I mean, people believe the Holocaust happened, for God's sakes.

And COVID. Just kidding. Joking. Tough time, they're just gonna tick. But anyway, I was like $26 and it was a nail I didn't know you could patch a tire oh you could patch baby so I go what was the problem he goes there was a nail in there patch Adams they put the took the nail out patched it up 26 bucks Wow and he goes yeah your tires

are all tip-top you're good to go pep boy shout out to you. Fuck the other one, AutoZone can lick my ass. Blow me, AutoZone, auto bone, me in the ass. So we get in the car and no problems, drive up, and it was a big, crazy long ride, but still pretty good. Looking at the wrong car, this guy should never be a doctor. All right, looks like you need a new dick. What the fuck? I mean, I just went to the doctor from my toe. Well, that I do need. But, uh...

We can all use a dick upgrade. Well, then you feel for the guy who didn't realize because they probably told him, hey, it's 26 bucks, you need a patch. Now they've got to go find him and be like, you need an alignment and two new tires, you fucking piece of shit. Oh, yeah, tough day for him. But I remember my old roommate, Jay, the Samoan. Ah, yes, the proud Samoan. He said to me, he was like, a car should last 350,000 miles. He's like, you can do it.

He's like, you just have to be on it. Get it tuned up, replace the filters, get the oil change. Don't drive it till it don't drive like an asshole. The wise Samoan, he had wisdom. He's really Indian, who are very wise people. They're very wise. Yes. Funny, but they're wise. No, thank you very much. Wow. That's, that's great. What a, what a happy ending. Good ending. Happy ending. And how long did that take? Half hour. I think total, we were probably there for an hour cause we did walk a lot,

but you leave and you're like, my are I think I was at 7800 in real life and IRL Ireland and you're like we got a little exercise and we're none the worst for wear or whatever the fuck yeah well that's lunch and I had to call mom don't go hey we're gonna add an hour to that there sister yeah we end up hitting some traffic up in Providence because the delay but we had nothing to do that night right I love traveling when you have nothing to do. That's nice. That's a good feeling. Yeah, you're not up against it. No clock tick. Right. That's why it's always good to go a day early. Yeah, but then you lose a day. Well, you lose. You sing in

the car, you fucking never, you got a new tire, you walk. Wow, great story though. I was really gripped and it never turns out good at an auto thing anytime car stuff comes up It's always a real finger in the dick, but I feel like now people are more. It's harder to rip people off now Yeah, don't you think well? I had a problem with the Beamer and I pulled over to the there's a like a mom-and-pop Auto-shop in the village is the only one because it's all gone now. And it's a bunch of Mexican guys. And I go, hey, I got a flat tire.

And he goes, 50, 50. I'd knock it out. I'd change it right now. And I was like, 50 bucks for a flat tire? That seems high because I didn't have the tire. And I got him down to 40. But 26 is a little more reasonable. I couldn't believe it.

It was like my old joke about eyewear. I was like, $26? Yeah. You're going to take me from a flat tire to a full tire for 26 bucks. There you go. That's beautiful. Beautiful. Well, good, good to have you there peps Pepsi. And boy, I got nothing, nothing to compete with that. Oh, jeez. That was great. I forgot. Cause it was two different stories, but then it became one story. The driving with the flat. By the way, they don't have to change it for to pep them

Yeah, you know, you don't get in trouble there peppy, but I think you still want a boy to fix your car. Yeah. Yeah you do Certain or you want a man for should be pep man. I think it's been long enough. He's grown certain things I mean like and basketball fixing your car, sex, comedy. You just want a man in there. Give me some men. Put them in my ass. Well, speaking of men, me and the great Sean Murphy, we did the dreaded Northeastern Corridor. I don't know what that means. But we did the Upstate New York gig DC to Boston. Ah, there you go. Well, we did Syracuse and Buffalo. Oh, I love Buffalo. I got a sweet spot for Buffalo. I'm in Buffalo this weekend

Oh Friday Saturday, hey, you did an album there with Buffalo's own Matt way. My first album was There go bills. So Syracuse has always been my dreaded nightmare, worst town in America. That funny bone is on the fourth floor of the mall, next to the Toby Keiths. There's always a shooting, and I bomb, it stinks. I completely agree that Syracuse is the worst city

in America. Okay, we're in agreeance. It's tough. I mean, they were a boom town. I opened up by going, Syracuse is like Kanye West. It used to be great. And that kills. But always hated it. Always tough, tough sledding at that club.

But I went back and did the performing arts center. Oh, OK, OK. And it was I was a dream. It was great. And I took it all back. And I said, I don't know if you guys have heard, but I've been shitting on you guys for a long time. And they all went, oh, we heard. And I made amends and we parted ways it was nice well I think they like the shit cuz they know they know

particularly that mall oh I open with that mall shooting good Lord that's a that's a bad maybe I shouldn't say the worst city America say the worst mall in America which happens to be in the worst city in America yes exactly it was a boomtown that went belly up and then the crime is crazy and the snow and the ice. Forget about it. Lake Effect. Do they get Lake Effect? Who's she? I don't know Lake Effect. She was a TV host in the 90s. Ah, got it. Well, I don't know about the Lake Effect but it was a tough time but no, great great Friday night, and then we did the classic move

So I got a tour manager this guy Good guy, you know one of these vets got boots on he's a Nashville guy He's cool as shit, and he's a winker ah Henry winker you know he'll be like I'm like hey, how's the how's it looking out there goes you're sold out He does that move a little don't know about the winking. It's kind of refreshing. You know what your dad doing it every day. But when you see a wink once a week, you take it.

How about the guy that snaps when he shakes your hand? That I don't care for. I like a wink over that. I'll take a wink. There's no contact with a wink. Right. But he goes, hey, there's some hot ladies in the front row. He does that one with the click.

We love the wink. But he's an old school country guy, real man. He's got cowboy boots on. He's toured with Fogarty and the other guy. What's that guy's name with the banjo? Not the banjo. Steve Martin. No, the country guy.

He's had everybody. And he's like, I love working with you. You're a dream. There's no equipment There's no nothing. It's just comedy and I love to laugh So, um, but does he do the click? He does the click. Oh boy. Yeah, I don't mind No gun. Okay. He took the gun out. All right open. It's not an open carry city. So We do Syracuse and he likes to toss a few back after. So he likes to work with me because I like to toss a few back after the show. Sure.

And he goes, what are we doing after? We're going to hit the bars. And I go, well, me and the Murph Dog are driving up to Buffalo because it's an hour and 40. Is that right? Yeah. So we got a gig in Buffalo tomorrow. We finished the Syracuse and high tail it right up, we didn't even get a hotel.

So I flew to Syracuse, no hotel, he lives in Buffalo with his mom, so he drives to Syracuse, meets me, we do the gig, we get back in his mom's car and drive to Buffalo. That sounds nice. It was great, we hit a Shake Shack, no, yeah Shake Shack on the way up at a malt. Shake Shack, best burger. Did you know, I just learned this, that the buns at Shake Shack you can buy at any supermarket. What? I did not know that.

Canter was telling me that he reads a lot. They really tried hard to find a better bun that you have to like design with AI and whatever. Sure, KGB. Steve Jobs, somebody, yeah, to find a better bun. They couldn't do it. And it's a regular, it's a something something potato bun you can buy at the grocery store. Buntzen burger. Yeah. It is a better bun. They couldn't do it and it's a regular It's a something something potato bun you can buy the grocery store Bunsen burger. Yeah, that's it is the great bun killer bun All right, so the bun bun. So we go to Shake Shack. We get our we get our concrets or whatever the hell What is it concrete? I don't know. That's a it's an item over there. It's on the menu I believe it's ice cream and a shake mixed or a custard. I don't know. They got concretes

I don't know either way Shake Shack offensive to people with Parkinson's we get back in the car we drive up we get a hotel in Buffalo or I do he goes to his mom's house we wake up we had a diner and the Buffalo gig was magical that we did at the college it was Sean's alma mater so that was fun and Veters I think oh really he went to University of Buffalo and Harvey Weinstein Fun about that. Yes, right Rape though did he rape no rape? Maybe I thought he just jerked off on a plant, but he told him he'd do something. I think it was oral rape

Oh yikes. That's a bad rape call in if you know not a good guy That's how I got in the movie. But we finished a gig and he goes, the local comics ordered the UFC fight. They're all on mushrooms at his apartment. You want to go? And I said, do I? And we went and I got tuned up. They were all on mushrooms and we watched these fights and we laughed and laughed.

And it was a great card. Justin Gage, you got knocked out. It was pretty great. And then we went back to the hotel and passed out and one hour flight was a great card. Justin Gage got knocked out, it was pretty great. And then we went back to the hotel and passed out and one hour flight to New York City. What a weekend. Boy, I love that. I love a good weekend. Yes.

Good times. And it's nice to scratch off those Syracuse. You're like, I don't have to be here for 16 months. That's a good point. And I'll never sell tickets there again. I feel like I blew my load and ta-ta. good riddance. Ta-ta, ta-ta. Well, I'll be up in Buff Town in just a few days. There you go.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Punchuplive.com. Go to Punchuplive.com slash Joe hyphen list, I think. Me as well. Yeah, we're on there. We're both on there. Sam's on there. We're putting premium content on there. You're killing on the tubes. I'm trying for God's sake.

The numbers are... By the way, I had our friend Sally, Q's, shoot some footage and then afterwards he's like, just a heads up, the microphone you're wearing died. Two minutes in. That's the Q's special right there. I said, OK. And every comment, what's with the bad sound? How come the sound? And I get this a lot. People are like, just hire somebody. I'm like, I hire somebody. They don't do it.

I've had seven videos where they're like, you should have hired someone. I'm like, what do you think? I'm fucking doing this with the camera? I hired someone. They stink. Yeah, yeah. So Sally, get your shit together and put down the

video and pick up a still well he's not an audio guy but great hang best in the biz but a good-looking guy either no no he's very little going for him but he's a hell of a dad yeah bad knees but I'm kidding of course he fucking he's great it looks awesome but I'll get an audio guy also, but yeah check out the YouTube's Buffalo Mesa It's almost upon us the Netflix special festival. I'm so pumped about this. I can't you gotta come by the house We got a fucking be all over that shuffleboard court. We got a house in the hills I can't afford bonus is gonna be all over there I got a minute at Skankfest.

Whoa, well done. Another straight white on the list. I am pumped. But yeah, May 2nd, what's the theater? Regent, Regent Theater in Los Angeles. Get those tickets. I added a show in Portland, Maine, July 1st. Nice. First one sold out. We added a second and I'm coming to

St. Louis in a few weeks. Funny Bone and Atlanta punchline in May. And I'm so bad at promotion. It's fucking horrible. Same. But yeah, St. Louis, Atlanta, oh, Salt Lake City, Salt Lake City coming up in June. And go to Punch Up Live, go to my website, whatever. Get your tickets, get them early, and join our Patreon. Yes, Patreon's cooking, best Patreon going, fun content, videos, live apps, you name it.

And I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin. No wait, that's over. Shit, I'm in Evansville Illinois I'm bad too punch up live mark no McGovern.com. Evansville? Evansville never been I gotta do these wacky markets I just added a ton of new dates Charl Charleston Baton Rouge Florida Pensacola I'm coming all these wacky towns. So come on by and check it out, buy some tickets. They're going fast. And we'll see you in LA at the Comedy Store.

That's gonna be crazy. The Comedy Store, I don't know if that's sold out. That's Sunday, May 5th. May 5th. May 5th, we got Tim Dillon, we got a woman who's fun and funny. Hopefully he doesn't bail. Hopefully she does. But Chuck.

Chuck on my podcast, Fun Bearable. This week we're putting up a live episode to record at the Comedy Connection. And our buddy Doug Key is on there. Hey, sweet kid. We had a great time. And yeah, funbearablepod.com this Wednesday. That episode will be up.

Somebody make a pennant for Christ's sake. Oh, yeah. The UNL. Yeah, man.