Tuesdays with Stories! - #552 Schwimmer's Ear

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

The boys are talking Westerns - and who they believe is responsible for the death of the American man! Mark has a confrontation with someone doing one of his jokes, and Joe deals with a phlegm-covered audience member! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Come hang out at Netflix Is A Joke Fest. Get your ticket at https://www.netflixisajokefest.com/shows/standupcinema. See you there! - Support the show and get 20% off all mattress orders and 2 free pillows. Head to https://www.helixsleep.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show and get 20% off your first order of Liquid I.V. at https://www.liquidiv.com with the code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS - Support the show and get 10% off of BetterHelp at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I wanna... Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiii i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i Here we are in the dojo. Comedy dojo. Wait a minute, that's the place. Comedy dojo, I love that room. That's a great hidden gem out in Jersey. Morris Plains. I might move there. No, boring, quiet.

You'll get thrown out of there as a sex predator. That's a good point, I am a sex predator. You'll have to go door to door and knock and go, hey, how you doing? That's the only crime you have to do that with. Yeah, I suppose so. You know, be like, eh, I stole your car. Hey, I fucked your, oh no, you couldn't,

you can't fuck the kid. Well, I think you're never rehabilitated. You fuck kids, you wanna fuck kids, that's it. That's true, you keep doing it. I guess, I mean, you go to therapy or whatever, but like, you can send me to all the therapy. I still wanna fuck my parents. Yeah, that's true.

I always say we're lucky that we don't wanna do that. Absolutely, when I do my gratitude list at the end, I say, hey, all right, I look at the children and I think, yeah, I don't think so. Yeah, it's just a bad hand. And then what's crazy is pedos tend to have gotten pedo'd themselves. Yeah, they either go pedo or they go jepetto.

They go, I gotta kill all the pedos. Yes, yes. Which you gotta hope for that one. Pedicure. Yeah, yeah, so it's like a vampire. They bite and then you become one. Right. Or not become one, or a vampire hunter.

Now that could be a fun film. It's like an allegory for pedophiles where maybe there's two siblings, right? Hear me out. Two siblings both diddled. They fork. One becomes a pedophile, the other becomes a pedophile killer, and then it turns out who he has to kill is his brother. The brother! Oh! That's pretty good. And then he should kill him by diddling him to death. Wait a minute. I don't know about that. I'll find a different partner for this project. Alright, please do because I don't want my name on

this. This is tough. This is why we can't get paid by YouTube, by the way. Oh yeah. With 30 seconds in, we're all pedo. No monetize. But it's a fun idea. I mean, we just came up with a blockbuster. It's pretty good and it's all, yeah, it's a, it's a vampire-y pedophilia. Yes, yes. Dracula, snackula? I never get into the Dracula and the vampire and the zombies. Hate all of it. I can't do it. Hate all of it, werewolf,

the creature from the blue lagoon or whatever, Dracula. Hate all, I can't do it. Frankenstein, he's slow, he's got bolts in his necks. Yeah, if somebody, I liked World War Z, that was fun. Oh yeah, well that kind of had a realness to it, this could happen. A realness and you have pit. Pit is the goat, as the kids say. Yes. I love pit.

Pit stop. The goat, I don't know about the goat. Well, I'm saying the kids, they use goat just flabbily. Right, Willy nilly, which is it's greatest of all time. You can't have eight goats. I mean, I told you at one time someone on Instagram wrote Richard Pryor is the goat all time, but Chappelle is the goat now. And you're like, you're saying greatest of all time, all time. Yeah. They don't even know what they're saying. No, it's over. It gets, it's almost like racist. So we just, we've, we've fucked it out. Toss it in there.

There's a couple other words that are being misused too, that I won't get into. Sure. Misinformation is misused. The word misinformation is misinformation. How so? Well, everybody's like, this is misinformation. You're like, no, that's true.

Ah. So that was misinformation about misinformation. Right, a lot of misses. I got a misses. Yeah, drag queens. Mrs. Claus. Misunderstood. Miss Misery, you know that song

from the Good Will Hunting soundtrack? It's a nice song. I've probably heard it, I've seen the film. Yeah, it's in the film. Yeah, all right, well yeah. What were we talking about? How do we get the prior? No, after that.

Oh, all goats. Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt, yes. I love Brad Pitt. I was just watching the assassination of Jesse James. Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford. Thank you.

Pitt stop, Pitt Pittsburgh. Pirates. Yeah, I never saw that, but I love a Western, so I should check that out. It's a little long But it's fun and good in case the Affleck is great. What are you doing showing us ourselves? Ah Chuck's making some adjustments over there. You ever see the remake of 310 to Yuma? Love 310 to Yuma. I love a Western

I love 310 to Yuma. You tell him I did it your 310 to you. You tell him I did it. Your father did it when no one else would do it. That gave me a tear in the asshole. And I love what's his name? Ben Bishop, Ben Haley, Ben Foster, Ben Foster. Where's his trophy? He's all everything he does. He turns the jizz. And where's he been by the way? He played a Down syndrome kid in freaks and Geeks. I think episode one. Freaks and Geeks? The show? Yeah, the show. He was a full T.A.R.D. in season one. Wow, man.

Pull it up. A whole Tardy Foster. I had no idea. I'll check that out. Yeah, and he's fantastic as a, you know what? Is he funny Tard or is he sad Tard? Where you're like, ooh, poor guy, or is he like, blah, I'll blow ya? I think he's sweet. I think some kids are poking fun, but he's, you know, it's the 70s, of course.

Sweet tart, great candy. That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good show. That was back when Appetow was cooking. You got that straight. One of the great shows of all time. Westerns are weird because as a kid, I was like, oh, Western, that was so boring

and flat and dry, you know, the sun and the dust and the plane. But then now I love them. It's almost like a food. Like I hate a mushroom as a kid. Now I love a mushroom. I still don't like a mushroom, but I love a Western. Bone Tomahawk. You saw Bone Tomahawk. Oh, that was wild. That's a hell of a picture. I love the old Jimmy Stewart ones. I love the old John Wayne ones. I love 310 to Yuma. I love Assassination of My Asshole by the Kid Seaman Joe. High Noon, Tombstone, the 90s had a run with Wyatt Earp and a couple of them. Yeah, Tombstone rules. High Noon invented the save. That was the original save film.

What do you mean save? Where you you got the the nemesis has the hero pinned down it's all over for him nemesis goes down cut over up that character from earlier saves the day. Oh that's high noon the wife. Oh wow. In high noon there he's pinned down and it's all over for him and then his wife Grace Kelly shoots the bad guy. Whoa. And John Wayne was livid with that film. He thought this is the biggest piece of shit of all time. Because the lady can't win? Because the whole movie is Gary Cooper pussing out. He's like, I'm married, I can't face

him and everyone's going, I'm not helping. John Wayne was like, that was the beginning of manhood being gay. Wow, that's interesting. And then the hot Princess Grace comes to save the day and he was like, I oughta. Wow, I can see that. It's funny, we haven't changed. We're still doing that same conversation on Twitter.

But still now when you go to the movies, next movie you see, at some point, the hero will be like, it's done for him. And then it's Robin in the corner. There you go. And that was high noon. It's all pipes. And then it's Robin in the corner. There you go. That was high noon. It's all pipes. It's pipes. It keeps coming around like George Carlin, the pussification of America.

And then now you see a guy who's like, men aren't men anymore. What the hell happened? It just keeps flopping and flipping. Well, it gets worse. And I'm one of these guys. And you know who I blame. I talk about it often. Tucker Carlson. David Schwimmer. He's my Gary Cooper. He's a mouth breather. Schwimmer was the end of it all. 90s what? Dinosaurs? So bad, so bad. Boy that show, I mean Chandler had a couple of zingers every now and then. Absolutely.

But Ross really, I mean he's in the window in the rain. He's looking at Rachel kissing a guy, he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh but you ruined America, you ruined men, and I hate him. Swimmer's here. Yeah, he stinks. Close your mouth, Dwight, he was just a sad puppy. That show, when you rewatch it, does not hold up. No, it didn't hold up then, but he's all eyebrows too. He's all sad, eyebrow, mouth open, sweater asshole. Right, right.

He was a sweater asshole. So was Cosby. He was a sweater asshole. Right, right. He was a sweater asshole. So was Cosby. He was a sweater asshole. But yeah, yeah, tough show, but we all watched it. I was in college with the eight girls around me going, Hey, I'll be there for you. Swimmer. By the way- You didn't like him at Curb? No. Pirate's booty, pirate's booty. I thought he was fun. Well- He was the heel. It was funny, but like he's just annoying. Plus it was, he replaced Stiller, pirate's booty, I thought he was fun. He was the heel. It was funny, but he's just annoying.

Plus, he replaced Stiller, who's the goat. Stiller killed it. I'm gonna start using goat like this. Yeah, Stiller was a goat, and I've heard he's a huge piece of shit, everyone says. What? That's what I keep hearing, he's a big asshole. I never heard that.

I heard it a couple times, I don't know. All right, well, Stiller's great. If he's the goat, Schwimmer's the sheep. Sheep, yes. Sheep is bad, goat is good. Yeah, that guy's a sheep. Yeah, it's funny, people hate sheep, and I get it.

It's like the insult, because you follow. You follow the flock. Sarah and I went to Wales, and the sheep were spectacular, it was a highlight. I love sheep, and we get the wool love wool yet three bags full Robert wool yeah wool worth he was hot Robert wool No, no, I'm saying bold Durham and Batman back-to-back years get our lists. He's on HBO show. I did forget our lists I don't watch our list good

It wasn't great, but it was the beginning of that. He was like a sports agent. So it opened the door for the Ari Golds and the agent show. Jewie, Hollywoody behind the scenes. He Jerry McGuire. There you go. Piece of shit film. Show me the money. You didn't like it. Oh, if you like Jerry McGuire, you haven't seen it in a while. That's a bag of shit, that film. I saw it in the theater in like what, 95? 96, I think. And it's a stink fest.

I mean, it's just the gayest movie ever. Well, what's her face? Old Sour Puss. Renee Zellweger. Yeah, she's the female swimmer. Yes, she is female swimmer. She's got a droopy face. She is a female swimmer, and you had me at hello is so gay.

Hi, it's something. Well, it's also Tom Cruise. He's a handsome son of an onion. The kid was sweet. The human head weighs eight pounds. That was huge. The problem with the kid, though, I've seen him lately. He looks like Chuck.

I mean, he's a real gargoyle, chunkeroo, just shit face. Yeah, I hate to hear it. Like Haley Joel Osment. He wanted to fuck his asshole. He was so cute. He was so lovable. And now he looks like just a big fat pile of nothing. Forget about it. But McGuire, my big problem with McGuire, I have many problems with McGuire, but one of the big problems is Cuba Gooding at the end of the film won the Oscar for the movie. Yes. Yes. Show me the money at the end of the film, who won the Oscar for the movie. Yes, yes, show me the money. At the end of the movie, he's hurt.

He's got paralysis, if you remember. He's laying on the ground all hurt. Look at the sky, they had to bring him to the paramedics, and everyone's at home. And then he slowly gets up and does like a crazy dance. He does the worm, he kisses a girl. He does crunches, pull-ups on the goalpost. But you're like, wouldn't everyone be furious with him?

Oh, he likes he just laid on the ground for a half an hour like you hurt and you're fine But was it a fake hurt or was he actually hurt for a second? I guess if you're hurt for a second and then you feel a hundred percent Yeah, the wind knocked out of them. Yeah, that is a little I'll get it No, but yeah movie stinks, but I like the wind knocked out of him? Yeah, that is a little off-putting. I don't get it. No one else. Yeah, the movie stinks, but I like Tom Cruise. Yeah, and Jay Moore was in it, which I remember being like, what the hell?

How did he get this? It was a big career jump from, he was like, on SNL for eight seconds, and then the biggest movie, Academy Award winner. Wasn't he in Go, too, or? Go, but Go was a real indie nothing burger yeah although I saw in the theater on a date I saw it too and I was like I think they're just doing pulp fiction here it felt a little very pulpy it was very 90s and and very stylized

a lot of leather jackets and there's always a guy with a lollipop he's supposed to be the cool guy right right lollipops were big yeah Brad Pitt said an oceans 11 well we're going full movie on this that's fine he said he every He's supposed to be the cool guy. Right right lollipops were big. Yeah Brad Pitt said in Ocean's 11 Well, we're going full movie on this up. That's fine. He said he every scene he wanted to be eating something. Oh interesting Yeah, I think it made you look relaxed or casual or fat. I don't know Kramer's always eating something. That's true Not always but often and it's not his which makes it fun. Yeah Boy out Seinfeld. that's a hell of a program. He goes, ah, that's busted, it's too yellow, you gotta get the Dijon.

He's like, yes, sir, I'll try to keep more of your favorites on hand. Ah, it's a good time. I don't have this kind of dough, few do. He's great. By the way, I was just watching the opposite. Great line at the end, and I never even noticed is when he does the up is down, left is right, black is white, day is night. And then Jerry goes, I suppose you're Messiah

as the Antichrist. And George goes, that's funny! He just yells, that's funny, which is such a funny thing to do. Like, you're in such a good mood. Somebody makes a joke, he goes, that's funny! Right, right, and no other TV show does that. They all just, they all say a hilarious thing and no one laughs. Right. He comments on it and acknowledges it. And it's like real life

too where you don't die laughing. You're just like, that's funny. Yes. Yes. It's a beautiful moment. He just, I never even caught it. Or if I caught it, I forgot it, caught it and forgot it. Like herpes. Well, here's the question. We got all the old pop tart flick coming out and a couple of, a couple of a few. I'm worried it's going to be shit. I think it might be fun. All right. I hope you're right. Cause I can't see the, you know, he's a friend of mine, so I don't want to see him down. Wow. He'll be up no matter what he does. He's not a guy that's like, boy, I really blew it. Yeah. He doesn't have that. He's got a little depression at the house.

Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. He's got the melancholy. Well, I'm glad to hear that. Good dog. You don't see him a lot being like, boy, I screwed the pooch on that one. No, no, you don't.

He's cold as ice. He's stoic. He knows how to do it. He's John Wayne. But it was smart to go to Netflix, because you can't go, boy boy this bombed at the box office You know that's one perk of Netflix where you go. Yeah, people are hopefully people are watching it now Will that play in the theaters at all? I don't believe so. It's gotta be a some kind of limited route

Maybe it'll play at the theater the Netflix bought the Paris. We should go. Is that right? Yeah, the Paris a while ago oldest theater in New York. Is that right? Give it a go I might have pulled that out of my ass. They bought it a while ago. But yeah, I want to see it. I think it'll be fun. We got some buddies in there or some former buddies. I hope you've solved that issue.

I gave him a text. He wrote back, I didn't think twice about it. Ah, OK. That's good. All right. I know he did. I did. You did.

But I'm still thinking about it. But I'm looking forward to the picture. I think it'll be fun. Yeah, I can he did. I did. You did. But I'm still thinking about it. But I'm looking forward to the picture. I think it'll be fun. Yeah, I can't wait. It's full of Joe Bill Burrs in it. Kyle Dunnigan, Jim Gaffigan, a lot of fun. Hugh Grant. Is Amy in there?

Amy's in there. She's like the villain, isn't she? I think so, yeah. Then Melissa McCarthy is the second lead. And it's all the mascots. You got the starfish the starfish tuna guy, you got the Tony the tiger. It should be fun. I think it's going to be a damn fine picture. I can't wait.

And what the hell was I about to say? I got a weird one. I got a text from the chair. Two days ago. Oh, boy. I don't know if I should reveal this, but he text me the same thing like a month ago. Oh, sounds like is this like a Biden II senior moment where he's he is 70. Yeah, but he seems Sharp as a whip, but is it did he I don't know I don't know if he if it resent, you know, sometimes you get off a plane

You're like I got the same text twice now Did you respond to the previous one? I just found of the previous and we had a little back and forth and then that was a month or two ago and then this is the same pic and I'm like do I respond? So I didn't respond because I didn't want to go same pic and make them feel stupid. Right. So I just let it go. Huh. Well, it's got a lot of, I think about that, I text 25 people a day. Easy. And most of my conversations start with, tonight, do we talk about this already? Right.

Because you forget who you talk to about what. Well, you know you do three sets in a night. You go, did I do this bit? We do 18,000 conversations, 14 pods, 13 sets, and you're writing jokes and you're tweeting and you're Instagramming, so it tends to blend together. Exactly, and you have many, we're very lucky guys, you got a lot of friends so you're like I know I talked to somebody about this. Yeah man I just listened to a pa where

a guy, he's like this rich billionaire guy, he had a stroke and he had to relearn how to tie his shoes, he had to relearn how to manipulate his fingers and he would see people, you know he's like couldn't even wipe his ass, he'd see people riding a bike and he's like, they don't know what they got. And he said the stroke was the best thing ever happened to him because it made him appreciate life and now he's the happiest guy ever. Oh, wow. Well, you could practice that without the stroke.

Yeah, I guess so. Gratitude. But I guess it really hammers at home. Yeah, I guess so. But I didn't know Keith had money. But hello, folks. The stroke is scary. And I got high BP

and high cholesterol and high everything. Yeah, you're not gonna wanna know how he got it. Blood pressure? No, bee sting caused a clot. Oh. And then he got, he had a stroke. Wow. And he said the bee stung right in this exact spot.

It was almost like acupuncture bad. You know, acupuncture, oh, I put a needle here, I'm not gay anymore. But if I get stung by a bee here, I get a blood clot. You got hit here, he wouldn't have it. Gets kicked by a mule, eyes go crossed. Falls down a well, they go back. I don't know.

What was that, an Aesop's fable? Christmas vacation. Or their eyes aren't crossed anymore. I thought you were having a stroke. No, no, no, no, no stroke. All right, good man. I've been hitting the gym though, so I think I'm going to really take care of business. Hey, I saw that video of you doing a Muay Thai Jitsu. Oh yeah.

That was impressive. Hey. You got an arm bar out there and a cross bar and a bar none. Well, that face though, I got to make some changes. I looked at my face and I'm like, what are you doing with that face? How do you think we feel? I gotta grow a beard and get some surgery

and some laser eye and a new hair piece or something. Well the glasses were off and it's a whole different guy when the glasses are off. Who's this guy? Well he broke them in half before we fought. Oh, what a bully. I'm gonna get laser eye and my jaw misplaced or displaced. Let's do the LASIK.

What are we waiting for? Your friends have done it. They shave your eyeball off. It's proven, Jerry. I know, but smoke comes off. You've got 19 root canals and four hand jobs. Why not go lay? That's true. The hand jobs were a secret. Cut that piece. The root canals are four hand jobs. Why not go lay? That's true, the hand jobs were a secret.

Cut that piece. Well, the root canals are a lasik for your tooth. That's a good point. And imagine the eye is, the lasik's much quicker and easier than the root canal. Quick, and you like spending money. Go drop four grand. Maybe I'll get some lasik.

Yeah! Although glasses are a thing of, it's part of you. Yeah, it frames your face up. My brother just told me it's nothing he got a scratch on his cornea And when he went in to have it repaired they're like you want us to do LASIK? Well, just do it's the same is a similar process and he said, okay. He said there was barely any discomfort Wow, no kidding. All right, we'll do a Patreon. Yeah, right some money Yeah, I'll be your partner there who walks you home or whatever. That sounds fun. It's like an abortion Have a driver after well, yeah, you know, what are you gonna do? It's exciting and I don't know

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You can even switch therapists at any time for no additional charge get it off your chest with better help visit better help.com Tuesdays Today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help H-e-l-p.com slash Tuesdays today to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H e l p dot com slash Tuesdays. Well, you were on the road. I hit the road this weekend. I wasn't on the road. I was home and I was off both nights. Sarah. Oh man, I got a funny, I got one good, funny, juicy story, but it in my ass, not juicy, but yes, Sarah was in Albany on Friday. I thought she, whatever reason, I thought she was there for the weekend.

And I was like preparing to have the baby all weekend. And it turned out it was just a one-nighter. She was back at midnight. But I had two nights off in a row on a weekend. I don't think I've had that in 50 years. Wow, that's crazy. Without being on vacation. Yeah, yeah.

Like just home in the house and I got no story. I just watched sports. You put the baby down, you throw the sports on, you put your feet up and it was quite delightful. Two things. Do you get nervous with the, it's just me and the baby. It's like those commercials for orange juice where the dads pour an orange juice in the toaster and they're like, he doesn't know what to do with the kids he's a he's a full uh

sweet tard no i don't i mean i think people do but i think that's more like in the 50s where dad went off and built ships and came home drunk or something smoking fucking whores and they don't know where anything is? No, I'm there. I'm in it. I'm up to my asshole in baby. So I'm right there. And it's kind of nice because then when she comes back, she owes you now. So you're like, Hey, fucking you take this son of an onion. I'm going to the strip club. I heard a funny bit. Some guy had a bit where he said, the thing about kids is when you have kids, the mom and the dad are never happy at the same time. One person's happy, one person's miserable, and vice versa. That's a good point. I'm fucking up the bit,

but he did it well. Yeah, it's weird, but no, it was quite fun, and he goes to bed at 7 o'clock, so you're kind of like, this is great that's nice but you know he wakes up in the middle of the night and that sucks and then you're also ready for bed at seven also like in your mind you're like here we go I'm gonna get some shit done and I end up doing 11 push-ups and just watching hockey yeah it's also hilarious that you didn't know she was coming back that night that's a hilarious relationship well once we got to Thursday night, I realized, but I thought it was a full weekend thing and I was like, this is

going to be fun. We're going to go off and I'll take them to the ball game or whatever. I thought you were up at midnight like who's there? That's my picture of her storming in. Um, but so that was great. But I got to tell you about this. I did, uh, your boy, Sean Murphy's show, uh, New York comedy club, Rodney Rodney. He's got to tell you about this. I did your boy Sean Murphy's show, New York comedy club, Rodney Rodney. He's got to, which somebody pointed out. I think it was Ron on pointed out. They changed the name from danger fields to Rodney's. Yeah. Danger fields is a much better name. It's a famous name. That's what he's known for. There's a million Rodney's. There's no danger fields. Yeah. This is, I don't get it. I guess they didn't have

the rights. That's what it is. Why not call it comedy box? I know anything. Rodney's nobody knows a Rodney. No, it just sounds like a black bar. Right. Rodney. Yes. Yes. Do you mind if we dance with the old dates? It's interesting because Rodney Dangerfist, is the only white Rodney I know. There's Rodney Pete, the quarterback, Rodney King, the police violence victim. Can't we all get along? Slash criminal. They put a nightstick up his ass.

No. Give it a go. No, you're thinking of a different guy. I've jerked off to it. Rodney King. In the cell, but not in the video. I think they put a nightstick up his ass. Not in the video.

He's fully clothed in the video. They're just beating the snot out of him and tasing him. I watched a different video. Yeah you watched something on Pornhub. That's a personal video. Rod. Yeah. Oh I got a Rod up his ass. Rods and Cones. They should have named it Coney's. I don't understand

comedy club. I'm not trying to shit in the club. I'm grateful for the spot and I'd like to work there. It's a good layout. That's a beautiful club, but I think any comedy club should have comedy in the name. I don't get not having comedy. What are you? Would you take a comedy? A J a laughter, a ha ha hut, a funny bone? Yeah, but I think, I guess so, but isn't it Funny Bone Comedy Club? I guess, yeah, I guess that's true. Well, we talked about our names. My name's The Riot House.

That's nice, but there's no comedy. Riot House Comedy Club. I see. You shortened it, but maybe it is called Rodney's Comedy Club. I think it is. I don't think it is, isn't it? But it says Rodney's right on the wall with no comedy, but you're already in there, So you know where you're at.

You got to Google. Yeah. Well, one of some 50 year old blues musicians is going to show up like, here I am, here to play Rodney's. I just heard that Stidham New York Upper West Side is closed. Yeah, New York Comedy Club bought it. Is that right? Yeah, so they'll have three.

Count it. Rule of threes. No kidding. Okay, so the room will survive. I hope, yeah, I mean, that's a historic club. It's been there since 1986. And this here show started right above it. Oh yeah, good point, little comedy history.

What do you got on there? They stick up his ass. I looked up Rodney King, up his ass, penetrated, anus. I couldn't find anything. I'm not saying it's not true. It's just hard to no night I think I have a different guy. There was the guy in New York They plunged him and killed them plunged they put a plunger in his ass and they sucked his guts out. What? Yeah No, look that a little combat that might be a wives tale, but I think that's a husband's tale

Wow, I'm gonna try that tonight. I didn't know that was a possibility. Well, cuz it's a suction. I mean, that's the idea you're Yeah, pushing it loose. And so they did that when his fucking spleen and shithole just went right Yeah, cool bad news bears. Yeah, what are you getting? That's doing a I'm looking baton anus nice thick anus. I'm looking everything. Okay Yeah, they just beat the fuck out of them. Yeah, I don't see I'm not saying it's not true I just haven't been able to find it's a tough thing to Google. Well that would pop up early I think if it was real either police baton Sodom eyes will pop up, but it's not Rodney. It's a different guy different guy different black

Can't we all get along but I'm sure plenty of people have been raped with nightsticks. Sure guilty I'm sure plenty of people have been raped with nightsticks. Sure. Guilty. So what happened at Rodney's? So I went to Rodney's. It's Sean Murphy's show. And I hope this guy doesn't hear this, but maybe he should hear it. But we're out in the bar area. It's a great hang. It's Matt Wayne and Sean Donnelly. And Donnelly and Wayne had a nice dinner that they invited me to.

I was excited, but I did Stavros' pod with Ron on, who's got a new special coming out. Hey! It was a special every hour. It was a two-hour podcast. Wow. I was like I'm gonna go hit Stavvys and then come to dinner but we were really rolling. That's a great pod I mean Stav gives it up he's a good host he laughs. He's the best and eldest rules. Oh yeah. Great show but anyways so I went and met up. It's Donnelly. It's a Murphy and Matt Wayne. Good group. We're all at the bar. Yeah. And this audience member pokes his head out, opens the swinging door. You're going to love this. Oh, pokes his head out and goes, let me get a tissue. Tissue. Jesus. Is this unbelievable? And he has an actual booger. It looked like a joke booger, like an Andy Kaufman, like glued on booger.

And he didn't like, don't you think you would run to the bathroom and just go and find like, I've been getting my own tissue since I was 30. I don't know. He literally opens the door like one foot still in the showroom. Like he wanted to keep. Yeah. Yeah. Tissue. See a tissue over here here and we're all like what whoa i would do this and walk to the bar get a bar napkin yeah or i would wipe it on my shirt i don't give a fuck but i guess he i don't know he's like arrested development he was like a sweet tired i don't know yeah i'm fascinated by this guy because he he's got more confidence than

i'll ever have and murphy who's that sweet boy, was like, it's his show. So he was like, oh, OK, let me see. So he goes behind the bar. And I was like, hats off to Murphy. But I'm like, I want this guy to die in a fireplace somewhere. Yeah, what a weird way to live. Yeah, it was crazy. And Murphy was like, do we have napkins or anything?

And then the bartender was like, they had no napkins there, which is a little odd. But they were looking around like, yeah, I don't know. And this is gonna sound made up. The guy goes, don't worry about it, I'll just hold it. Oh! Goes back in the showroom. He's holding his runny nose.

Who is this guy? He's a goof. This guy's got some tissues. I mean, I've never seen anything like it. Let me get a tissue. He said it as though he was a surgeon. Yes, yes. With a system.

Give me the scalpel. Scalpel, wow, the booger. That's insane. Most people with boogers, they run for the hills. Yes, or just find a napkin or a tissue. He expected Random people. By the way, it's not like he knew any of us. No, he just opened the door. Let me get a tissue I feel bad for the bathroom attendant if this guy's ever taken his shit

He's like ass wipe. Need an ass wipe here. Wipe my ass. Or what does he do when he jizzes on a woman? Tissue we need a tissue here. You go get the fucking tissue. I think this is the kind of guy that's jizzes on a woman. Tissue, we need a tissue here. You go get the fucking tissue. I don't think this is the kind of guy that's jizzing on women. I mean, I think he jizzes on himself in a basement. I guess, but he's calling out for somebody for a hanky. You know the like hack thing where you're like, how's life in your parents' basement? You're living in your mother's basement. That's like a go-to.

But this guy is that. I guess so. He has to live at home. Yeah, he must. He'll have a butler. He needs someone to get his tissue. It was very odd. And again, adult male, no known, no like visible mental problems. I know, but I'm fascinated. We got to get this guy on just because he's, I want to pick his brain and his nose. He's an odd duck. I've never heard of

anyone acting like that. Can we get a tissue. Wow. Tissue. Over here. Cray, I can't wrap my head around it, Jerry. And Murphy just good to the soul. Salt to the earth. Because he was like, let me, let me go find this guy a tissue, I guess. And Matt, I left the room. I was like, I can't handle this. Well, speaking of Murph, you know, I use them on the road a lot. Sweet guy, low maintenance, good writer, helps with jokes. I posted, you know, the,

hey, new dates are coming to your agents, like you gotta post, you gotta promote, you gotta promote. The influx of people hitting me up, right when I post this thing, it's like instantaneous. New dates, brrrr. Hey, can I open, hey, who's doing Red Bank? Hey, who's doing Pittsburgh? Hey, who's doing Phoenix?

It's wild. Well, they know you have a hard time saying no. You got that right. So, I mean, I can't imagine how many podcasts you're getting offered. Oh, I'm doing the Tissue Guys Pod. People finally gave up on me. I don't even get asked anymore. Smart.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the way to do it. So, now I got to tell you, you did the Fat Black Hour, which is the best gig in the city maybe. Absolutely, I'll have to get into that a little later. Well let me tell you a happy story. Please. So I think Colin Quinn had a stroke or something,

so he had to bail, and then Liz goes, hey, you wanna do the hour next week? I go, of course, 7 p.m. on a Monday, it's already sold out, let's do it, get the workout material. So this guy hit me up months ago, I don't know if I told you this, he wrote, I think his friend tagged me in a thing

where he goes, I'm doing the same bit as a bigger comedian, so I guess I gotta drop it. And somebody sent that to me, and he was doing the same bit as me but he had it first. Okay. So I texted, I DM'd the guy and I go, hey man, never heard of you, I don't know you, didn't see the bit, I'll drop it if you want, you had it first. Right. And then he wrote back, wow, I can't believe you were so nice about it, it's nice to meet somebody in this business who's not a psycho and an asshole. I don't even do the bit anymore. You know what? You keep it." And I was like, wow, look at this is all turning out okay. And he goes,

but if you ever have an opener slot, let me know. And I go, you got it. Now that sounds like a, you got it. It's never going to happen. But did the fat black hour, had them open. All right. How did he? Was he good? First of all, he's a great guy. Peter Ravello is his name. He's a great guy from Staten Island. You know, cool New York dude. Hey, yo, New York. Ah, Italian pigeon rat pizza cab 9-11 robbery. Yeah. So kooks. So we ended up hitting it off. He goes up kills. Great writer. I we ended up hitting it off. He goes up, KILLS! Gotta wait, Pete. Great writer. I'm gonna use him now.

Alright! Staten Island Pete, sipy. It all worked out. All these cunts with the anger, the tweets and the attacking and the dragging online. Just be a decent human being and it could pay off. Poor Murphy goes to get a tissue for an invalid and he's out. He's out. Go blow that queef's nose. Rllo's in you're out booger sugar can't be doing this beta go get a tissue bullshit statin island Pete sippy cup yeah you're out Murph you booger cuck whoa that's two one more row that's three! Come on! Make that a lift! Whoa, I lost the lid! Oh, that's five! I got the lid!

Is that five or four? I don't know. Oh, geez, I'm all wet. All over Salacuse's photo. That's a great painting. One of the best photos ever taken by old Matt Salacuse. He's good. A hell of a photographer.

And he put it on this wood and mounted it, put the rope up. I don't know if he mounted it. He mounted something. He's got good hell of a photographer. And he put it on this wood and mounted it, put the rope up. I don't know if he mounted it. And he mounted something. He's got a kid. And how about Salacuse crafting this clock, shaved that thing down to a fine. That is a beauty. We really did a disservice by not hanging this.

Yeah, Salacuse wrote this episode of Seinfeld. Very impressive. Sure did. And look at Salacuse's big mitts on these dits. Wow, you really had a lot of hair. Sal E. Boy, I've never seen a playboy in the back of the 7-Eleven and just going, of course. You couldn't even open it, it had the plastic on it, but just seeing it there was exciting. Absolutely, you saw the the head of the woman and you just thought someday, and I think

this going back to gratitude and the strokes. Oh yeah, different folks. When I have sex with my wife, I'm still, I try to think about eight year old me, the whole time I'm fucking my wife. Just think of that eight year old, you're just like, wow, I'm looking at tits, I'm touching tits, I'm eating pussy, I'm sipping ass, we did it.

We did it. I've had sex with women when I go, I can't believe this is happening. They're on top of you and you're like, oh my god, this is incredible. Yeah, it's all I ever wanted as a boy and now I'm a man and just right in the old pussy pipe. Clambank. Pussy pipe, I like that. So I did a great two-show great two show, two city run this weekend.

These theater gigs are too cushy. I'm starting to feel guilty. Okay. But, and I'm not getting as much work done as I like, but we had a Minneapolis on Friday. Okay. Great comedy town, underrated town. I love Minneapolis. I haven't been there in a long time.

Last time I went there I rented a bike and we just went all around town. It was spectacular It's beautiful in the spring summer you go in the winter you want to kill your dad but 40 degree 45 degrees a little flurrying. I'll take it whatever it could have been worse you know and they've seen a lot worse over there, but I You know and they've seen a lot worse over there, but I Get there, and I feel proud of these cities cuz you were getting old and we did that we did the you really did the Ran the gamut as they say absolutely what is a gamut?

I don't know. I think he was a X-Men gamut gamut all to hell. I don't know Gamet. I don't know Gamet, but I use it. Gams is legs, right? It's legs, yeah, and mitt is a catch glove. Yeah. Gamet. Wrong pipe. Gamet is the complete ranger scope of something. Oh, I get it. That's why it's run the Gamet. Yeah. Okay, we should use that more. I feel like we'll only use it run the Gamet, run the jewels. So I did the comedy House of Comedy, which is in the mall in 1988. I did that once. You move up to ACME. Hey, I'm in the premier club, the A-room. And then you do ACME a couple times. And then I did the Pantages, which is a small little theater. And now I'm at

the state theater. So it's just fun to be able to climb that ladder. Of course. There's nothing better. We able to climb that ladder. Of course. There's nothing better. We've talked about this before. There's nothing better than you MC at a club and then middle at a club and then headline a club. You're like, wow, I ran the gamut at the club. Gamut. Gamut all. Yeah, so to hell. My doctor said cram it all. It's also scary because you're going down at some point. You have to go back to the club, you know. So maybe I'm enjoying the rise but it's I'm hiling. you know a little lol you could go arena next no

I'm telling you not for me I did that arena with Louie really you can do it yeah it's also crazy to think I was in well hold on we'll get to that but my opener with that because you go downtown now Minneapolis ever since you know 2020 whatever it's it's different And I would say Minneapolis like Kanye six years ago. It was great now. It's fucking wild, but it's sad It's sad because the whole downtown used to be booming nightclubs. I would go out and get drunk and all this shit and Ain't that anymore they got that tittybar to hundreds of pretty girls and what ugly what yes yes that's what it is that's their job and they have a gay nineties

which is their big gay club it's huge like a warehouse and i would say it sounds like a level of gay how gay is he he's gay nineties he's up there i'm gay one hundred yeah so uh... just had a great time two shows ripped it rock it and rocked it, and those crowds are great. It's one of those theaters where they go, the staff is like, you know, Jim Gaffigan did two here, Tasha did a special here, and you're like, oh wow, this has got a lot of comedy jizz on it.

Legendary. Yes. It's one of those, what is it about certain towns that just work for comedy? Well, I think a lot of the great comedy towns are a great mixture of blue and red Because I think that's like there's purple states We have purple stuff and the purple East cities We have the outside people and then the blue people and then they also have a great comedy club. That's curated Louis Lee over at ACME has curated great comedy. They don't have the bullshit. They don't have the soap opera guy.

They don't have the fucking whatever. It's just a straight comedy club that's been there since whatever, 88 or something. Sure, yeah. And that helps. I used two local guys too, which was fun. Pearl Rose and Nate Abshire, one on each show. And that was cool to meet them.

You chat with them. They're excited to do a theater. You know, it shakes things up for them. Sure. Very funny. And then flew out the next day to Madison. Hey, mad city. One of the greats, Mad Men.

And just a cute town. My brother lives there. Is that right? Yeah, he moved to Madison with his wife and two kids because his wife got a great job there. No kidding. Like an old story. Yeah, he moved to Madison with his wife and two kids because his wife got a great job there. No kidding. It's an old story.

But flew there, hung over, played with the kids all day. They're climbing on me. We're walking the dog. They're showing me their toys. And boy, my brother has no TV, no phones, no iPad. So you are in it. That's wild. It's like Amish.

Yeah, he really is quite, what's like Amish. Yeah. He really, he's, he's quite, uh, what's that word? The Kramer uses hippie dippy. No, uh, he really likes depriving. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I can be quite, uh, like a priest. No, no, no. I know what you mean. Disciplined. Well, whatever it is, he's fantastic at keeping away from things. Yeah, yeah. I mean, at one point, his wife, I look over, she's doing arts and crafts alone. And she was making little llamas out of construction paper.

And then we hung the llamas on the wall as some kind of whatever. And I was like, I feel like I'm in a time machine. You know, like the little girls learning violin, the other ones playing with blocks. And I was like, and I'm down there with them on my knees, doing the blocks, here we go. And I kept wanting to go to the phone, but you can't, cause they're not allowed in the house.

So what do they do? You leave it on the doorstep? How does it work? I just kept it in my pocket, like a dildo, and didn't open it or didn't look at it. And I just, oh, what are we doing? There's dead air, there's weird time. It's very real. I thought of the word, monastic.

Whoa, I would have never pulled that out of my ass. But anyway, I'm sorry. So is there a day that you're like, fuck, give me my phone. Well, right when you leave, you're like, oh, you know, it's like heroin you gotta touch it but at the time it's uh it's wild and it's it's it's it's sad because it shows how far off we are from real life. Right. At least you got a little nugget at home that you can you know change his

diaper and rub his soft spot but you can still go back to the TV, go back to the phone. This is just like, you're in it baby and you got to deal with it. Yeah, that is what's nice about a child. Sorry, you don't sleep anymore. Less sleep, less sex, less money. That's the best, that's the most efficient way it was explained to me and it's exactly right. Can we get a positive in there? Can we go three neg, three paws? We got to bleep that, my gosh. Easy, easy. All right.

Yeah, well, this is, I mean, less sex, less money, less sleep. I guess you can, the positive more. More love. I'll get back to you on that one. Yeah, love. Well, you get the smile, you get your present. You feel very present there. Present, yes. Present is good. Present and, I don't know,iles. A lot of those smiles.

It's heartwarming. My heart is warm warm heart warm heart. My dick is hard. My balls are full. My heart is warm. My wallet's empty. My wallet's gone. By the way. Everything you want everything to be full glass half full except your balls. Yes. Balls empty. You want everything else full but you want to fill back up again. Sure, sure. Empty. I mean, DePaulo had that joke. He's like, why did I get married? I was sitting around one day saying my wallet's full and my balls are empty. How can I reverse these two?

That's good stuff. What a simple way to describe that. Great bit. DePaulo is the fucking best. He's the actual goat. See if it's Gangfest. He'll be at Gangfest, baby. You know you got to thank god damn it. But yeah, it's a little jarring because you get out of there and you're like, whoa, that was a blast from the past. And then you're just like looking at porn. I'm looking at, you know, women twerking and people fist fighting and an animal attack. So tell me more though, do they have a laptop? They must have to work. Well the parents have a laptop.

My dad's a computer pro- my dad, Jesus. My brother's a computer programmer, so he is all in on the computer. I see, so he knows. He knows the evil that's out there. But these gals, I've talked about it before, they've written plays, Jerry. They read books. One of them's playing the cello. She played me in chess for like two hours and beat me every time.

Wow. They're way past us and it's only because they don't have the poison of the iPhone. God, that's a wow. Cellios. It's bittersweet. We get the promotion done. You get some clips done. You can show the world your comedy. Some guy in India is going, this guy with the forehead, he's something. But you don't get the real, I mean, they're playing with the dog and they're satisfied. They're just like petting it and picking up his paw and poking it and throwing the stick and the dog's chewing the stick. And I was like, it was crazy. This is normal shit and I was still jarred.

Now how do they, I got to get this guy's number and be friends with him. It's a rotary phone. How do they do it when they were two and they travel? Because everyone else puts the iPad, because everyone says to me, you don't want to do the iPad but you're going to do the iPad. I promise. The first flight, the first radio, whatever. A big part of it is, they're on a flight, these little kids are like, oh my god, a plane!

They're looking out the window, look at that, holy shit, they're putting the tray down, back up, they got a diet coke, woo, baby, we got a coke! So everything is a thing to them. So they appreciate it, you know? If you eat potatoes for two years, the first time you have a sweet tart your heads gonna explode right? It's a good point. I went about to fly to LA. Oh, and I'm shitting tits I don't know what to do because this kid's he's fussy. He's got the teeth coming in Oh, hopefully better than mine did yeah, and He's freaking out all day all morning all night, and I feel like everyone's gonna shoot us

Yeah, that's that's a long haul to cross cunt and a five hour. He's not old enough to put an iPad in his ass. No, he doesn't care about that. I mean, he would, but you don't want to fucking ruin his brain this early. No, no, maybe a Benadryl, knock that kid out, Cosby him. I don't know. That's a tough one. I'm thinking about crushing up Benadryl and shoving it right in his bottle and seeing what happens. Benadryl Sergeant, maybe you gotta keep him up all night and then he'll snooze on that Boeing.

No, I don't think that works, they get extra angry. But anyways, it's a thrill to have a kid and it's very beautiful and warm and you love your wife more. Teammate. And it's also a turn on to me. Really? It's like hot, but I'm like, yeah, you fucking a mother.

Ooh, motherfucker. Something that not often, but when you do. Balls are full. But yeah, it's great and fun, but this brother of yours, I gotta befriend him. He seems way better than you. Oh yeah, I mean, he's got it together. His wife's a doctor, he's disciplined, he's vegan. I mean he's the he's like anti-me. Wow. Well you're quite disciplined. Well I'm telling dirty jokes.

I'm shithoused at night. We go out drinking and you know I'm still hurting from yesterday. I was so hungover. Wow. But, yeah, we went, did the theater and then we high tailed it over to the club. The ACME. Comedy on State. Oh, Madison. Sorry, forgot to switch cities. Yeah, so, then you know, you got Anna and Eve, the Greek gals who run that club with an iron fist and it's one of the best clubs in America and Marcelo Hernandez is headlining. Oh, I love Marcelo. Great kid. Nine sold out shows. Nine times. Niner. So he was he was putting them back and we just laughed and talked comedy and headlocked and no good and go to comedy on state. If you're in that area, I'll be there in October. Oh, really? Yeah. Sorry. I mean, interrupt. That's a

coveted room. If you get that booking, that's one of those you circle it and you love it. Absolutely. I think it's October, but yeah, I'm coming back and it's one of those clubs that just has me every year and I'm so grateful to both of them because that green room, that staff, that city, the best. The best, Jerry. The capital. It's the only downtown in America that's pretty. You go to Syracuse, you're like, get me out of downtown as a guy with a syringe chasing me. Right. I was just in Boston and that's a fuck of a downtown. Okay, okay. That's as good as it gets. Is that Capitol Hill? Capitol Hill, that's a spot. Beacon Hill. Beacon Hill, sorry. Yeah,

Beacon Hill, Beacon Hill Rummy, Joyce Street, it's spectacular over there. Yeah, Boston downtown's great. Okay. What else is Chicago downtown is wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. You take a wrong turn but yeah it's very nice. That's true. But yeah downtown L.A. Forget about it. In fact I'll be there May 2nd. Yeah. Don't forget about that one. That's in just a few days. There you go. Two days three days. What. May 29th. Yeah, that's crazy. That's a Monday night. I see. Got it. OK, well, Thursday I'll be at the Regent Theater. Yeah. Only a few tickets left. Down. Beautiful downtown Los Angeles. One of the great downtowns of all time, if you ask me.

Tell me about it. The Walking Dead, I saw Katz. He goes, where are you staying in LA? My Spidey Jizz went off, and I go, the hotel on Sunset. And he goes, can I stay with you? And I go, well, it's a war. I got a single bed, a twin, and List has got a house. And then he goes, oh,, geez, I'll call List.

So watch out. He texted me. I said, hey, we got a full boat over here, pal. He can sleep in the guppy, the rowboat. What do you call that little thing? The dinghy. No way. We got a big old mansion, and there

ain't no room for catsepoo. Big mansion. Get in there. Man-o-static? What was it? Don't mention it. Monastic. Monastic, yeah. Get in there. Man-a-static. What was it? Don't mention it. Monastic. Monastic, yeah. Like a monastery.

Ah! That's the root word. Yes. He's obsessed with Tik-Not Han. Me too! I should be friends with this fellow. I don't know. You're a little rough around the edges. He's a nice boy scout. Well, I clean it up. I don't know. Namaste, whatever. You know I'll be nice. I'm gonna be saying cunt in front of him. Yeah yeah yeah. He doesn't like that. I love cunt. But same. Hey folks this is a special one. Tuesdays with stories wants to let you

know about Stand Up Cinema. Yes. That is this Saturday May 4th at 4 p.m. in LA. If you're in Los Angeles for the festival, come check out Stand Up Cinema. My pal, what the fuck's his name? Rubenoff? Sam Rubenoff. Sorry, I got baby brain, Sam. I love Sam Rubenoff.

We just had a nice dinner with him the other day. He's a brilliant screenwriter, director, and comedian also. If you haven't seen him do stand up, he's hilarious. And everybody says how funny he is every time I talk to bring him up. Anyways, the afternoon of comedian made short films we'll be playing at the Netflix is a Joke Festival on May 4th at 4pm at Dynasty Typewriter.

Ooh, great room. Never been there. Beautiful. Did you shoot a special there? I did out to lunch there. It's a cute precious little theater. Yeah, I'm excited. I'll be there. We made a short film. They gave me a thing to read here, but I'll just tell you. I mean we made a film. Sam wrote and directed it called Stuck in Park. Oh. Starring Karen Feehan and myself. We had a great time. We talked about it. I'm excited to see it. I haven't seen it yet.

And my short film, Engaged, will be playing, and a few other comedian-made short films. Evan Williams, Joe Firestone, we're premiering the incredible short film, the alter, the title has changed. Anyways, I will be there. Come see me on the screen, along with the amazing Karen Feehan and Keith Robinson.

I hope you guys are able to make it out. It's going to be a great time. You can grab your tickets at netflixisajokefest.com slash shows slash stand up cinema or just click the link in the show notes. Grab your tickets. Jesus Christ. I can't read. Grab your tickets at netflixisajoke fest.com slash shows slash standup cinema or click the link in the show notes. And what better place to show a movie in Tinseltown? You made it there, Rubenah. Absolutely, come see me on the big screen.

The world premiere of the new short and it's exciting, so come watch. Hey, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Liquid IV. It's getting hot out there folks. When you need to hydrate and refresh after all that fun in the sun, get a Liquid IV. Mix one stick with 16 ounces of water to hydrate way better than water alone. It comes in a bunch of flavors like strawberry, passion fruit, lemon, lime, and all new grapefruit. It's the number one powdered hydration brand in America.

It's got three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink and vitamins and nutrients to keep you going. I keep about ten bags of this in the house. I just drink it every day. I'm an alcoholic. I like to be physical. I'm walking all day. So you need that hydration. You gotta get those nutrients up your ass. It's non-GMO. It's vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, sugar-free, green grape, raspberry, melon, and lemon-lime. Turn your ordinary water into extraordinary hydration with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use

code TUESDAYS at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop better hydration today using promo code Tuesdays at LiquidIV.com. Get on it! Yeah, no room for cats. I'm sorry. We got a... Yeah, I have a baby. I got a baby. I got my closest friends coming. He likes cats. He can babysit. I don't think so. He'll change his diaper. But yeah, that's going to be fun. This Thursday and then Sunday we're at babysit. I don't think so. Let's change his diaper. But yeah, that's going to be fun.

This Thursday and then Sunday we're at the store and I don't know where we're at with ticket sales on that. Yeah, I don't know either, but I'm staying at that Ondaz right next door. You know that big hotel, the Ondaz Hotel? I've never heard of the Ondaz. You've seen it. You walk right by it. It's the store and then the Ondaz.

Oh, okay. It's right there on Sunset. So I'm going to, I got to stay out of trouble because that's on the strip. then the Ondaz. It's right there on Sunset. So I'm gonna, I gotta stay out of trouble because that's on the strip. I know that hotel. I think I used to, well, I stayed diagonally across at the- Standard? No.

No, the Rock and Roll Hotel that we like. The Ziggy. The Ziggy. Normally I'd be at the, I would have been at the Ziggy, but I'm bringing the family, so I can't Ziggy. You Zaggy. I'm going to the house in the hills, but I'll be right behind you in the hills. Well, watch out for that pool house because Katz is going to be all over that shuffleboard

court. Big ask if you ask me. Big ask? You stay in a hotel room? What are we, 19? I mean, what are we going to spoon? I'm 42. Yeah. He's like, I thought you got a double bed. I'm like, well, it's not even that. It's just, I'm going to be jerking off. I'm going to be I'm like, well, it's not even that. It's just I'm going to be jerking off. I'm going to be talking to myself and eating alone, crying. That's wacky. And Salakis, I already had to tell him. And he's the best photographer, videographer of all time.

And he took this photo. Look at this puppy. What we should do is link those two queefs up and let them wrestle it out. Yeah, exactly. You guys go get a cot in the hills. But by the way, thanks for coming by the other day. Hey!

That was a great party. That's Sarah's birthday. I missed you because I was on baby duty the whole time, which I was a little upset about because it was you and Sally, you guys are my boys, my humdingers, my pals. And I was in the other room on baby duty because one of the guests scared the baby so I had to take him away. Ari's face. But yeah, that is quite a face.

Boy, did we have ourselves a hang again. It's fun to have two birthdays in the same month because you just tell everyone, come on back over. Yeah, great spread over there. No one was eating but me. I ate all the nachos. I ate every salami and pickle and cheese cube. It's fun being a grownup and having a couple bucks because I showed up with assorted cookies.

Oh yeah, those are still there. They weren't popular. But fruit flies now. We appreciate it. It's all desserts and Sarah's like, I got to get fit. But I'm like, well, let the birthdays pass. Yeah. Before you get fit.

But the summer body, we're getting to that time of year. Believe me, I'm gonna be in LA with cats sleeping on my couch, so. Meow. Oh yeah. I'm nervous and I gotta get an eating disorder or whatever. What are you making this so zempik? Everyone's so Ozempicking.

I think, look, if you're 900 pounds, Ralphie May, you're gonna die, Patrice O'Neill, do the Ozem, but these kids relying on it, I don't like it. I think it's just a bad omen for where we're going. Hey, I need a quick fix, I don't wanna work out, I'm lazy, it's gonna ruin discipline. Well, I'm on it for my teeth. Ah, teeth.

It's a quick fit, but there's fit people taking it. I know. I keep hearing people that are like 12 pounds overweight taking go Zempic. I'm like, I don't get it. Just stop eating, you fat fuck. Also, the numbers aren't in yet on the side effects and the downsides of it, because it's so new

and everybody loves it. So I worry about that. Yeah, I think it's weird that you can get a prescription or subscription, prescription, if you're not fat. I know. Well, you know, it started as an anti-diabetic for diabetes people and now everybody's taking it. And I don't know. I think they're like, erode some muscle mass and your face gets gaunt. Something's up. I don't like it. And the diabetes people are upset. They're like, that's our drug. Oh.

You're fucking us. What do they care? Because the price goes up, maybe? I think the price goes up and they're running low on it. They're like, hey, we're all out of it. We gave it to fucking Jim Carrey because he couldn't do any crunches. It's the same with the Adderall people. There's a shortage of Adderall. That's how much Adderall people are sn's a shortage of Adderall. That's how much Adderall people are snorting these days because it's fun. Yeah. And so they go, I got a term paper,

bring on the AD and now the people who have ADHD, by the way, everyone has ADHD. I don't know how you don't have ADHD now. Well now, yeah. I can't even imagine not having it. It just doesn't feel like everyone has a hook. Like, I have ADHD, I'm bi, I'm trans, everyone has a thing now, I'm autistic, I'm on the spectrum, I'm depressed. No one is just a regular person anymore. If no one is regular, then having a problem is now regular. Right.

And not having a problem is weird. But I think part of it is the victim culture and the idea that you have to you have to have something to stand out and be unique and have a story. Yeah. Also our society is sick and getting sicker. Like I don't know how you would develop other than your nieces. Yeah. They're like Amish. They're cool as a cucumber. How do you not have a D.D I mean, the phone and someone brought up a good point on a podcast the other day is like in the old days, boredom would trigger you to go do something. And now boredom triggers you to look at your phone. Exactly. The old days, you'd be like, I'm

bored. I'm going to go jump into the bushes or, you know, piano, beat up an old lady. Sure. But now you're like, let mean, look at Instagram. Of course. So you just continue doing nothing. Yeah, but you know, I thought the same thing, but I gave it a goog, because I went on a deep dive on this. More things have been invented in the last, I don't know, 11 years than they have all this. And then more people are speaking languages, more geniuses

than ever. So things are going up, because sure, we got the insta to focus on, but we also have any language you want, any computer code you want, any video tutorial you want right there on the box. So I think that it's so those people beat the system know how to do it, but everyone else is shit in the bed because the average person. Yeah. Dumber. Right. Like America has gone down in like education. Oh, and health and obesity is up. Yeah. Suicide, suicide, depression, hospital visits are way up. Yeah. Especially teenage girls doing damage to themselves and all that. Yes. Which is directly related to not just Instagram,

but the like button and the retweet button. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all they do is compare, especially young girls, because they're like, look how hot this woman is. I don't even have tits yet. Right. Also, maybe this sounds like old man boomerqueef, but do you notice, like, you can go into a hang of eight people we're

all sitting around a table you can zing you can zang you got stories you can hold court I feel like younger guys aren't as good as that at that hundred percent I mean most of the people I run into they don't know how to they're looking at the ground and and this is my theory too is everybody's on a spectrum But I'm like, I don't think they are I think they just grew up staring at their phone 100% agree they don't know how to look at somebody and have a dialogue and go. Oh, wow, interesting. Yeah, that's crazy Well, I'm playing chess with this 11 year old She's wiping the floor with me and I'm like this is hard for me and you've I've lost the muscle

the muscle of just sitting and being in this and interacting with a human because this is so alluring. And it's so easy to get to. Yeah, no, it adds strength. We talk about this all the time with the podcast where this is fun, we're having a hoot and a hanny. But then as soon as we finish, I turn my phone back on,

I got 17 texts and you're trying to be like, okay, let me respond to that later. I can can't get to that I gotta call that guy back and so my brain becomes like exactly well it's like your old bit like we before we had anything we we made fun of you we're making fun right you made fun now you don't make fun fun is right there yes it's all pipes and it's all every pipe ever painted is in there I know I know I can feel it my pocket it Yes, it's all pipes and it's all every pipe ever painted is in there. I know, I know, I can feel it in my pocket. It's evil.

It's a- But I need it. It's evil and we're in a business where we run our whole, I never sit in front of a laptop. I'm all phone. Yeah, same. I'm just like, let me do this and that and the other thing. That's true. My laptop just sits there.

Only time I use my laptop is to send a bigger file. Right. Oh, the phone can't do it, I'll send it with my laptop. Yeah, it's not great. It's not great. But what are you gonna do? And with the kid, you gotta try to protect him from that. So I'm like, looking at my phone down here.

Good for you. But you can see that he already is like, what's going on over there? What's that thing? It's a light, I mean, human beings were like, well, it's shiny, what's going on there? It's a light, images. But even when it's not on, it looks good. It's like reflective. I mean human beings were like, well shiny what's going on there? It's a light images But even when it's not on it looks good. It's like reflective and black

Slick that's true Yes, I forgot Chris Allen. See I forgot to go airplane boat. I got Chris Allen. I see now that's in your head Christ whoo Scary stuff. What are we gonna do and and there there's a lot of information scary stuff. What are we gonna do? And there's a lot of information, this Jonathan Haidt guy is on it, just on a tear. We love Haidt. I love Haidt too. Haidt supremacist. Fred Haidt. He's doing all these books and he's on the eighth book about the phone and the damage and the women and the clicks and it's catching on but we're still like, we're too addicted and it's gonna take

another eight, nine years of like TikTok might go away. That's, that's a start. We're getting there, but it's going to take forever to get to the promised land because there's so much money and capital and, and uh, uh, business involved in that. So you can't just ruin businesses. Can't be like, Oh, sorry. Facebook has to go away. Somebody's pounding on a wall. Yeah Well, I think the only thing to do it as if we're like The fuck is going on sounds like somebody's like it's construction Whoa, it's like violent. Is that a an attack are we being attacked? Maybe they're like emptying a trash like Sounds like cannon fire.

Boo boo boo. Yeah, that's wild. It felt like a whole fucking building is shaking. Yeah, another earthquake. Anyways. Chris Christie jumping up and down. But I think on an individual basis, we have to admit, like he talks about like in schools, you have to be like,

we want phones banned from school. Yeah. That's what they have to do. And hopefully given all those things. And people like your brother that are just taking the action. And I think you got to make sure you go out and socialize. I was talking to Derek and his kids got all fucked up. They fell off their bike and are all scraped up. And he's like, we ran out of band-aids. They're covered in band-aids. And I'm like, that's great. You got to keep that going.

Knicking the knees, scraping the knee and getting out there. And I think like, that's great. You got to keep that going. Yes. Knicking the knees, scraping the knee, and getting out there. And I think that's good for us. Like, I'm a, I can't sit around. I'm not a sit around kind of guy. Same, same. So that's good. Like, I'm like every day, I'm like, let's go to the park. Let's go to the game.

Let's go, I'm a do things kind of person. So I think that'll help. And also extremely social, which I think will help. Huge. I think a lot of times parents also are social, which I think will help. Huge. I think a lot of times parents also are in their fucking phone and so they don't interact with everybody. I know.

It's got to have people at my house every day. Yeah, that's huge too. Yeah, they did. I saw a YouTube short where Jonathan Haidt was in front of a big audience and he goes, who here played around, ran around the neighborhood, rode bikes, climbed trees when they were kids? Every parent raised their hand. Who here lets their kid out of the house to run around and climb trees? And like one hand went up. Right. And he's like, so you all did it. You're all here.

You're all normal. Let the fucking kids do it. Right. I had a key to my front door in the bottom of my shoe all day, every day from the age of 10, really. That didn't hurt. Come home. Well, it's flat.

And you can feel it's kind of nice. And you come home, you take your shoe off and take a sweaty ass key. Matt Wayne and I talked about this like we would like, your parents would shut the door and you'd hear them lock the door. They would be like leave. I remember that. And come back at five. I remember that. My mom would go, what, you want to watch Batman? It comes on at five. Come back at five. Yes. That's the show you get to watch, and then I'm gonna kick your ass out again. I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I got black kids kicking my bicycle over, but I couldn't go home.

Yeah. So that was it. I remember I built a half pipe in my backyard just to be able to be in my backyard, but I was still outside. Right, it was just fun. I mean, it was woods, and we had 15 kids on our street. We had a wiffle ball league and it was fucking awesome. Wow, that's a great childhood. It was just great. I mean, it was a nightmare

for other reasons at different times also, but mostly it was good. You ran around. It was fun. Yeah. And you also had snow, which I didn't have access to. I know we snow, we sledded, but then you ski. Where did you learn how to ski? I just went and did it. You know, I had to learn the hard way. That's why I snowboard because I never got but then you ski. Where did you learn how to ski? I just went and did it. You know, I had to learn the hard way. That's why I snowboard, because I never got to learn to ski. I knew how to skateboard, so I just kind of rolled it over into that.

Right. Because I didn't want to slow everybody down. But yeah, it was fun. And like I said, yeah, you just went to school with the key and you came home and you fucking keyed in the door and all that stuff. And you were on the bus and all the stuff. It was just a very social time. Very social, but isn't it scary? I can't not look at my phone for

20 minutes. I'd say 15 minutes. It's pretty bad. Right. You never had one before and you didn't, you didn't know that was weird. To be fair though, and I talk about this with Alan, we are running a business. That's true. You and I own a business. True. You've got to check the numbers of your business. You've got to do inventory.

Yeah. There is a lot of work where many people with jobs running a business would be in an office with a tie-on in front of a computer literally all day. Good point. So it's bad, don't get me wrong. And my problem is, and I was talking about this before, is like, I'll send a text and while I'm waiting for the response, I don't put my phone down and sit there. I'm like, let me look at some bullshit.

And the other thing that's hard for our job in particular is I'm not just looking at things, I'm reading people writing to me going, you're a piece of shit, fucking ugly cunt, fuck you. Right, right. Like it's not just like I'm looking at pictures of women's tits. No, no. I'm literally having people email me

and be like, you're a worthless failure fuckhead. That never happened before. And if you were on the bus and some kid said that, you'd kick him in the teeth, and now you just gotta take it. Yeah, just that, you'd kick him in the teeth. And now you just got to take it. Yeah, just a strange person who probably is in their mother's basement or whatever, who never took any risk or did anything of any significance whatsoever. You got that right.

It's just like, you blow, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. And you can just keep absorbing those for years and years. Yeah, so it's all day with that. This looks like you. Look at your teeth. Fix it's all day with that. Look at this. Looks like you look at your teeth, fix your teeth, fix your eyes, fix your forehead. You fucking dirty piece of shit. Yeah. Herpes. Fuck you. Yeah. I mean, my lady just recorded a special and I was like, buckle up because it's coming. Like you're going to get an onslaught of hate and trash talk and

insults. And now she's like, maybe we'll put it out. It's hard too, and then there's the people that are less successful. You're like, yeah, these people write to me and they hate me, and they're like, that's good though. That means you're doing something. I would kill to have that. And I'm like, okay, me too. I can't wait for you to have a successful special

when people are like, fuck you, you hack piece of shit. Exactly, see how you look at every insecurity you have, they will validate, and it's gonna cut to the bone. It you think like like Jackie Robinson black guy comes into the league first black guy ever in the MLB BLM MLB and He got a world of shit and I'm like, I think we get the same amount of shit he got every day it's that kind of funny to think about like cuz the comments and then emails and DMS that, it's just, I'll open a DM and some guy's like, I'm not trying to be a dick, but that last joke you posted sucked,

you've lost it. I'm like, thank you, I needed that. No, it's pretty brutal. And I mean, to be fair, people are also constantly writing, you're the best, you're amazing, you changed my life. But there's an old saying, scream a compliment in my face, I don't hear it, whisper it in cell a mile away and I can hear it, whatever.

You got that right, Fanny. So there's that too. But anyways, so we're on our phones a lot, but we are running a business and you got a message. And also I remind myself, I'm also an extremely social person. Yeah, that helps. I'm talking to a lot of people, even though it's text, it's not as good as a phone call. Like I'm talking to

20 to 30 people a day. And I'm checking in with a lot of my niece and friends and comics and alcoholics and family. So what you couldn't do before before you had a Rolodex and you're like, Oh, Bob Johnson, right? I haven't talked to him since college. Let me call him. And we talked for an hour. Where is Bob Johnson? Now you're like, he's in Memphis and you're going, Hey, what's up, man? Do you see that movie? Whatever. Right. So there's nice things about it. But, and then every once in a while too, I'm like,

I'm going to go back to a dual lingo. I'm going to just sharpen up and learn Spanish. And then I do that for five days and I'm like, no, I'm going to look at Instagram. Yeah. And then of course the algorithm gets better and better. They're like, look at this baseball brawl. Look at this manager. Empire argument. Look at this fucking 1968 world series. Whoa. They know what they're doing and they know you're gay before you do. Exactly. Which feels like a bit premise. It's unbelievable. A big joke in there. But yeah.

All right, we gotta wrap this thing up. Yeah, good talk. Good to see you. Good, good, good interacting with a human being. Good tits, yeah. I think podcasts are great, because that's why when I do things, a lot of times it's just to get away from my phone.

Like I do MMA, or I'll take a class at the gym, or I'll take mandolin lessons, or I'll go to a, at this point, I go to AA meetings to not look at my phone for an hour. Yeah. Or a podcast. I'm like, great, let's bullshit, let's talk. And I'm, I think I've turned a corner where now I'll do the MMA or whatever the hell AA thing, then I'll look at my phone.

And then I don't want to look at it after, because you're like, here it comes. It's just an onslaught of work, messages, obligations. Right. So it's kind of to the point now where I don't want to look at it, which maybe is a good because you're like, here it comes. It's just an onslaught of work, messages, obligations. Right. So it's kind of to the point now where I don't want to look at it, which maybe is a good thing. Which is also why we hung out with Ari, who is always trying to get a phone, a flip phone, a not phone,

and he's on his phone every second. Yeah. And I had to say, I'm like, you're, this is the kind of thing you go crazy about. Well, did you hear his excuse? No. He said, well, I drove for an hour here and I couldn't look at my phone. So now I'm catching up. Right. And I'm like, well, that's also

sad that you're like, I'm driving. I can't look. This is how I can't wait to look. Right. It's all over. Now I do. Now I like traffic. We hit traffic. I'm like, wait, let me get over to Instagram. We're fucking addicts. I'm going to kill myself. All right. This Thursday, just a couple days away, I am at the Regent Theater, which is close to selling out, hopefully it will, but there's probably 50 tickets left maybe.

Come to that, and then Sunday we're at the store. Four o'clock for a live pod with killer guests. Big killer guests, and oh my God, I got dates coming up. St. Louis, Funny Bone coming back. I haven't been there in fucking years. Great room. I'm excited to be back there. I got Atlanta coming up, Salt Lake City.

Go to my YouTube, I'm putting tons of stuff on YouTube and Punch Up Live. Go sign up for my email. People make fun of the email list and every fucking time people go, when are you coming to Pittsburgh? I was just there. Sign up for that email list and every fucking time people go, when are you coming to Pittsburgh? I was just there. Sign up for that email list.

I barely ever send emails, but I'll email you when I'm coming to your town and do that. And join the Patreon. We're doing tons of bonuses that are just us bullshitting in a different way. We're a little more subdued, a little more real, and a little more edgy, I'll say. Yeah, yeah, behind a paywall, folks.. See the real us. It's like five bucks.

Yeah, can't beat it. I'm all over the place too. Punch up live.com. Mark Norman. Joe List. Check it out. Get the inside dirt. We got extra content on there that might not go everywhere else and get the email. I just got the text today, when are you in Charlotte? I was in Charlotte a month ago, you come Guzzler, so you missed it, you fucked up, get on the list. And I heard Ticketmaster is being sued. Oh really? Yeah, or LiveNate, one of those big ticket places, because there are like the fees, the upcharges,

the surcharges, the phonecharges. So fuck them, go right to the source baby. Get on the page, Chuck what do you got? Check out my podcast Fun Bearable with comedian Ray Harrington and my buddy Brad Rohr. We have a lot of fun, funbearablepod.com. Nice. All right, Chuck nice.

That was fun. There you go. Very good. See you.