Tuesdays with Stories! - #553 Mark Normand vs. Guy Fieri

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

The sun is shining in NYC and the boys are back in the saddle! Joe's in the hot seat with some new traffic inventions! Mark's on Legion of Skanks and the nose candy is flowing! Joe does his yearly firehouse show in MA as Mark annoys a famous foodie! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Check out Joe's brand new short film STUCK IN PARK! https://youtu.be/A7YpefG47Ik?si=U1HYKECw7EgSMJQi  - Support the show and get 20% off your Raycon order and freeshipping. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS  - Get fast-acting nasal allergy relief with Astepro. Head tohttps://www.asteproallergy.com for a discount, and get ready toAstepro & Go! - This episode is brought to you by Better Help. Give online therapy atry at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS, and get on your way tobeing your best self.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose my voice. Rollin' rollin' rollin' Keep them doggies rollin' Man my cock is swollen. Raw dog! Oh raw dog! I like dog. Raw dog radio. Hey by the way we're two two for two here.

Two for Tuesday. Nice days. It is a peach humdinger with two in a row baby. I told you. Well I think Sunday was pretty good too. Sunday was good. That's three. Sunday was nice. Yeah. I told you I need ten in a row. I think tomorrow's supposed to rain. Gah! But it's spectacular out there. And yes, I forgot, because we were podcasting all day yesterday. You leave here and you're like, whistling.

Oh yeah. It's perfect. Beauty. And I'm gonna go, I might go home and smoke a cigar in my backyard today. Wow. Right in the baby's face. Yeah, it's living, yeah.

Stunt that growth. He'll be six, he'll be four foot one when he's 30. I went for a long walk this morning with the baby, the Bambino. And I got my friend, Lindsay Adams in town. She's staying with me. So I woke up, went for a long walk with him, got my coffee, my donuts, sucked it down. And then right as I get back to the house, he's falling asleep. He sleeps better in the cart. To a stroller. In the stroller. So I was like, let me walk, get his napkin. So I walked for another 30 minutes, get back to the house again. Lindsay texted, he goes, hey, I slept in. Have you gotten coffee yet? And I said, I did, but I'll go again. So I did another half hour. I did 90 straight minutes

of walking. I'm at like 6,700 steps at 915 in the morning. Wow. What about that fucking numb nuts you got down there? That wart, that bunion, that callus. It's killing me. It's a nightmare. And so I told the story on a previous podcast that I got the cream, the balm. Yes. Yeah. You got to put the balm on the Chinese bomb and I stuck it on there. And then after a week just it fell out. And I was like, it's all over baby. Yes. I threw a ticker tape parade. What the hell's a ticker tape? I think that's a confetti.

You know, cause that's just a confetti parade. Because the ticker comes in, it's that little paper. So they use that paper in the parade. Oh, okay. So what, someone just clips the ticker? I guess so, yeah. And they just keep all of it. Yeah, they keep all that in case the president gets elected.

No kidding. Or the world series. Or the world keep all that in case the president gets elected. No kidding. Or the World Series. Or the World Series, or you win the war. And then you shoot it out. I guess so. It's basically Jizz for the city. It's celebratory Jizz.

It's celebratory Paper Jizz. I love that. Paper Jizz. Now that's a good name for a film. Paper Jizz. Or a novel. Yeah. The sequel to Paper Moon. That's where a name for a film or a novel. Yeah, the sequel to Paper Moon. That's where a guy shows his ass.

And you jizz on it. Ah, I'm stretching. I love to jizz on an ass. Oh, I like it somewhere where she can see it. She doesn't want to see it. You got a different dame than I do. I guess so. She wants to see it.

She looks at it. She reads it. It's like Braille. She's touching it. My gal's like, put it right in the tomato soup. She's eating it Wow Yeah, I think my girl, you know, she's like you put it on the bun and then you just wipe it clear I don't think she wants to see it ever. She wants a glaze. Yeah. Well, I don't think she wants it bad either But compromise life is about compromise. See if I was if I was a lady I would love jizz and I wish women jizzed because it's a it's Pashreets

O'Neill would say it's a receipt that you're speaking my language now. This is all been talking about for years I want it to shoot off the back of my throat and drip down my my gullet Well, I don't know about that, but you know, you want a lady Like a squirter. That's why guys love squirters because it's some some reaction. I know but squirt is piss ah It's half and half squirt is best But no jizz is good I long for jizz yes Jizz chew it like bubblegum. No yeah When I was a kid I had this called thing called porno bizarro I want to chew it like bubble gum. Oh, yeah.

When I was a kid, I had this thing called porno bizarro. And the guy would jizz on a piece of bread, and the woman would eat it. It was a little much for a kid. See, I like jizz in the mouth. But you can't hit something first. You can't jizz in a teabag and then chew on it. Yeah, chapelle that bit about jizzing in the fish tank

and watching the fish. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was fun. It was fun. Yeah, he certainly was. Keep it moving. So you're 600 steps. You got a planter fast, you ain't all. Well, so I thought the planter ward, I thought it had fallen off because a big chunk of it fell, but just a piece of it fell off and you got to get it all out. Yeah. So after a day, I've had one day of like, it's out, it's over baby.

And then after like two hours of walking, I was like, fuck, it's still in there. I went back to the doctor and she's like, it's still in there. I'm sorry to say with the microscope, but I'm back with the, I'm putting the white jizz on my foot every night. Plus the shoot it off with the, that's fun. So eventually it's got to, I need it off by the summer because you know me as an active guy now can I get this broads number because can she do face oh yeah we had this conversation yesterday I'm gonna give

you her name and number you can do head to toe literally her name is fine can can we bleep her name but it's funny it's a funny name. Oh, I can't wait her name is doctor No Is that crazy Wow you got right in there? Yes, it's crazy. Yeah Wow split the second part too, but how wacky that's like it's like a Bernie Madoff a librarian librarian named cone. I mean an ice cream man named go From the librarian or Anthony wiener right? Yeah, I love what the name Sinks up. It's it's all synced and sunk. But yeah, you got to go people go together. Why? All right, by the way

How about when you came to the therapist office and the? Psychiatrist she came out and she was like what's going on here? We're both whispering and giggling by the window and she was like, are they gonna jump what's happening? Well, she said I went in there and she was like, yeah, going on here? We're both whispering and giggling by the window. And she was like, are they going to jump? What's happening here? Well, she said, I went in there and she was like, yeah, it was interesting to observe you with a buddy. Oh, was that her? That was her. Oh, I thought that was a rando.

No, no, that was her. And then afterwards, she was like, yeah, yeah, you can tell you're a fun guy. Oh. Just from that. And I said, yeah, I'm as fun as it gets, lady. And she said, but don't ever bring a buddy to the waiting room. She's like, that's just completely inappropriate.

Wow. She set you up and she knocked you down. Fun guy. Good to see with a buddy. And then don't ever do that again. You pieces of shit. Well, we were not in the waiting room. We were in the outside the way, but she's like, you can't come in the waiting room like that, which I wouldn't do anyway. Okay. Yeah. Yeah're in the foyer. And we tucked away as well. I thought we were pretty considerate. Absolutely. Consideration is key. My lady, no consideration for sleeping. Just a side note. Sorry, I got no sleep. What do you mean? What did she, she comes in and... Well, she'll go out with friends. I'll have dinner. She'll have a glass of wine and I'll text her like, you know, it's late. It was like two in the morning. I'm like, Hey, I'm go out with friends, they'll have dinner, she'll have a glass of wine, and I'll text her like, it's late, it was like two in the morning,

I'm like, hey, I'm just letting you know I'm going to bed. And so, you know, let me sleep. And she'll come in and be like, woo, you sleeping? Ha, you know, kick me in the face, and I'm like, I'm sleeping. I've had that where I'm sleeping and they like, they toss the clothes off, like they're getting ready for work, and they just toss the clean clothes

onto my ankle. What? Like, I'm just getting ready for work and they just toss the clean clothes onto my ankle. What like I'm just getting ready for work you know, like when you do the Let me just get that What are you doing? Yeah, I'm here but I'm always My wife is good and I wake up before her which is nice. That's big. You want to feel superior, you know Well, we have a rule in our house. Whoever wakes up second has to make the bed

So it's kind of good motivation to get your fat ass on the floor Interesting. Yeah, so I'm up and I'm like look at that fucked up bed. I'm going not my problem. I'm up. That's nice I don't I don't care about I don't like making a bed I'll throw it over like just make it look presentable but this thing where you're like And doing the hospital corners or whatever. What am I, Hispanic? That's too much. I forgot to put on Do Not Disturb.

There you go. I was disturbed. Yes, you were. I'm disturbed. I think that was my dentist. Every day's my birthday. It's exciting. Let me see.

No, no, what happened here? Is it the derb? Oh, once you put on Do Not Disturb, then you can't see who called. Oh, you can't see Peter. Do you, uh, do you do, do not disturb? No, I just don't look at it. Really? Yeah. I don't know how to do that. You gotta go into a file and open it. Oh, you just pull this down. Recognition. You know who showed me one Joe Rogan. Wow. Yeah. Cause I got a new phone in Austin, did the podcast and I was like, I got a new phone. I don't podcast and I was like I got a new phone

I know how to do this bullshit. Yeah, I'll show you Nerve-racking what someone takes your phone is worse of course a woman especially No, I wouldn't let a woman near my phone. No or my car, but It was unnecessary Even going Asian, but I think bad driver You know, well my lady can't drive she won't she's gotten like 17 car wrecks I wasn't even going Asian, but... Well, I think bad driver, you think, you know. Well, my lady can't drive. She won't, she's got like 17 car wrecks.

It's like a crazy stereotype. And so we go on any road trip, it's all maybe behind the wheel. I gotta tell you, I'm also, well, here's the thing. I like driving. I want control of the vehicle. And sometimes my wife will have long drives and she's like, because I'm like tired of driving, I'm frustrated. But she's like, well, I could take over, but that's not alleviating the issue I'm having.

Like sitting in the passenger seat, I don't find like now I'm enjoying myself. It's the act of being in the car, the stopping, the starting, the traffic. You understand what I mean? Like I'm switching seat and now if she's driving, I'm like, watch out for this, careful for that. Not out loud, in my head, you know what I mean? Oh, I see. Like, I'm switching seat and now if she's driving, I'm like, watch out for this, careful for that.

Not out loud, in my head, you know what I mean? I'm still like, oh, tap the brake. The bandwidth is still being used even as a passenger. I see. See, I don't have that. I'm in that passenger seat. I'm like, it's all on you, sister. Not if she's driving though.

Well, maybe not her. That's what I mean. Like, if you have a driver, like a professional driver, maybe. Professional? Well, what if I's driving though. Well maybe not her. That's what I mean. Like if you have a driver, like a professional driver maybe. Professional? Well what if I was driving? I'm a pretty good driver. I drove with you once. And?

It was okay. I was drunk. No, it was great. It was fantastic. We were in the Beamer. Oh yeah, but I've driven some rental cars and you actually said, boy you're a good driver. I don't really remember that, but yeah, no that sounds right. I never forgot it. No, there's some drivers that are good. Tom Dustin was always a good driver. I don't really remember that but yeah no that sounds right. I never forgot it. No there's some there's some drivers that are good Tom Dustin was

always an excellent driver he was always very nice because he would be like you're the best driver I've ever driven with. Which is very touching because I'm all 10 and 2 and locked in. Yeah you got a lock and the key is smoothness that the slow brake the slow gas some of these guys that the boop boop the err, er. It makes me fucking insane. Insane. I yelled. I didn't yell. I had to talk to an Uber driver.

I was like, what are you doing with the start stop? He's like, what do you mean, what do you mean? I'm like, I'm jerking. I've done the same. I'm trying to jerk it and I can't come because I can't see Peter. But I was taught, you know how like certain things you're taught as a boy. Yes. Just stick in there.

Oh yeah. I got them all. And they said, if you see illuminated red lights anywhere in front of you, you should be covering the brake at the minimum. I don't understand people that are accelerating towards stop lights. I don't get it, I don't get it. And then they gotta go, ah!

Yes! And now we're jerked. We're jerked and I'm like, just start slowing down. The cars are like, you're racing to the red light and then this guy when then now we're all we're done with the red lights And where the light is green and they go Yes, like you can't you can't gently that they're not good with the Progression of a push they just push well, you know my invention. I've talked about it before and I want to say it as much As I can eventually it's gonna happen. Hey, you'll get the credit brake lights. I've talked about it before and I want to say it as much as I can. Eventually it's gonna happen. You'll get the credit.

Brake lights, I've said it on the podcast years ago. Brake lights where there's multiple lights so you can see the degree in which they're braking. Whether it's 10 or 5. Because right now the brake lights illuminate if you touch it slightly or if you slam on it. Same light. So sometimes you're driving 80 miles an hour, you see brake lights and you go, whoa! But they're actually just slowing down slightly.

So it should be a brighter red or like, like a scale so you can tell the difference between a brake slam and a tap, a touch. I'm gonna push back, I like it. Push. I'm pushing back here, cause people are cum guzzlers and they go, oh that's a light brake, I'm gonna push back. I like it push. I'm pushing back here because people are cum guzzlers and they go. Oh That's a that's a light break. I'm good and they won't break a good point

You know, you almost have to show people danger just vaguely like hey, this is a blanket blanket danger But conversely because people are sweet tards. Yes, they also slam on their brakes when they see red That's why you slam on your brakes? He's slowing down. It's okay. But I bet it's better safe than sorry. And I got another idea, a green light that shows they're accelerating. So you could tell they're either accelerating, braking, or idling. So if they're not hitting the gas or the brake, you can tell they're slowing down because their foot is off the gas now.

Yes. And sometimes people are just sitting there, but they're not breaking. They're just sitting there like neutral and you can come up behind them and you don't see brake lights. So you're like, oh, geez, he's not moving. That's what I'm saying. And also I'd like an intercom system where I can go, boop. Hey, could you fucking go you piece of shit? I mean, we have the horn. You got the toot. I don't like the toot. I want a specific, more than just a toot. I want to talk out of the way heads up excuse me i know good now humans have to regulate the to the gaga

and sometimes you don't know and this happens in new york a lot people just open with the layoff uh... i hate the layoff you gotta open with yeah i don't know that you got but and then they don't move, then you go. Then they don't move, then you go. Right, right, right, degrees. Exactly. Now have you seen in Europe what they do is they go, okay, we got a stop light.

What is it? Red, yellow, green. Yes. Or is it green, yellow, red? Either way. Red, yellow, green. We'll go red, yellow, green. They got the stop light. Yellow, red. Either way, that yellow green will go red yellow green. They got the stoplight Yellow Red

We all know what that means in Europe. They do that too, but they also go yellow green Right. I mean it's about to turn. Yes, which is pretty pretty brilliant It's a little fix but it goes a long way. They give you a little thing. yes. In the old days in New York, it would be a yellow light, then it would be yellow and red at the same time, then the yellow would turn off. Is that right? Yeah, it's in Taxi Driver.

Whoa. I was always like, huh, that's weird. I had a fun idea, side note. Taxi Driver sequel, but a disgruntled Uber. Uber Driver. Uber Driver, because that feels like the next Genesis. You know, we kind of lost the taxi, but the Uber is a whole other world. We got the phone, we got the rating, we got the

Muslim, we got the radio, we got the phone call. Yeah. Maybe instead of Travis Bickle, it's, you know, Mustafa, yeah. Yeah. He's furious at all the whites in the back going, ah, buy, sell, buy, sell. And he goes, I'm going to, you know, whatever. I don't know. Plus the drunk chicks who get in, they puke in the car. He's just getting more and more angry. And then he's talking back home to his buddy and he's sending money to the family. There's a lot here. Yeah. I think I've probably told this story before, but my ex girlfriend, we were in a cab one time and the cab driver started shouting at her and I was like drunk and like, I gotta talk to my girl. I was like, pull the fucking

car over. I was one of these guys. I pulled the fucking car. He's like, I'm pulling the car up. Fuck it. You get out of my cab, you pieces. And I got up. I go, what the fuck's wrong with you? You fucking talk to my girl that way. And he was like, my friend, my friend, look at them. I look at my fucking car car and I looked and there was just puke all the way down this I had no idea she was barfing out the window I didn't realize in the car out of the car and I was like I am so sorry I gave him a big tip I'm like I'm a piece of shit I'm sorry Wow but I was ready to fight the guy then I was like you're a hundred percent right crazy she sucks yeah we'll

both leave her I kicked with the curb I. I saw a guy, a big Italian dude, like out of a movie, stereotypical in a SUV. Him and a cab were going at it. They were like swerving at each other, kind of doing this shit and then start stop, start stop. They finally pull it over. They go, let's go, let's go. Middle Eastern guy, whatever Indian guy gets out, he's got the little hat, no brim, just that little weird fez kind of hat. He's got a white shirt with a brown vest. He had the baggy, but he looked like Aladdin. And he had the sandals on.

And the other guy gets out. He's a big Italian dude. He's got a tracksuit on. And the Indian guy takes his sandal off, throws it at the guy, and the guy goes, uh-oh. And he just beat the shit out of him. Right down the sidewalk. What? Wow. The sandal, those throws it at the guy, and the guy goes, uh-oh. And he just beat the shit out of him. Right there on the sidewalk. Wow, the sandal, those are fighting words. Oh, that's a fighting shoe.

Who throws a shoe? I mean, really. Ha ha ha ha ha. Lots of powers. But I think the Italian guy was like, this'll be quick work. Well, what's the guy's shoeless? Shoeless Joe whatever. Joe Namath, Joe Joe Vincent Joe. I was trying to think of something

Bangladesh, yeah Shafi Hussain, okay. There you go. Who's saying shoeless shoeless Hussain? Yes, you know You're not gonna win. Oh, you don't want to take a shoe off. I don't know Not a smart idea. It was like when you're a kid and you do something and right when you do it you're like, I'm in trouble. Yeah, I think that happens a lot with fighting. People get out of a car, they get ready,

and they're like, I don't know what I'm doing here. Never get out of the car. No, no, no. That's a good rule of thumb. Yeah, he got the snot beaten out of him, which is a weird moment for a male, because you're like, all right, this is a little excessive. Should I keep walking? Should I go, Hey, all right, buddy. What do you do there? You go, it's not my fight, not my problem.

I got no dog in it. What do you do? Well, you should avoid fighting at all costs for sure. Cause we're adults and you get hurt real bad and go to jail. Yeah. Also, there's not like a lot of that. I don't think there's a lot of instances of like, I got in a fight and I feel great about it. No, that's true. Because you're probably going to break your hand or have your face broken or get arrested or sued.

Yeah. Yeah. Or you get knocked out and land on the street and you're fucking brain damaged and dead. And then you get this guy Right upload. Hey, there's your whole Legacy right there. You're the guy who got knocked out by the other dude and people have weapons now Whether it's mace or a nightstick or a gun or a shoe or a knife or a flip-flop Yeah, as it were and, so many people train MMA. You have no idea.

Over here, everybody watch out. And if you put us in a lineup, they might pick you last as the MMA guy. Right, and as they should. But you know, I always say this about Diego Lopez, my trainer, who's an undefeated cage fighting black belt. Tough dude. Yeah, he's got cauliflowers. If you're paying attention, you can see that.

Sure. And he's tatted up, but often he's dressed in long sleeves and he's a fashion guy. Oh, is he? So he's got cool socks and short pants and a button down with a sweater vest. Eugh. You just go, look at this guy. I'm going to fuck you. Yes, yes. And then he kills you any which way he wants

to yeah he's good and he's not big either well he's not small why you know he's a medium guy he's medium he's five times beefed up I'll tell you that oh yeah I've seen him shirtless yeah I think he's probably 511 maybe okay okay and 180 I'm guessing these are are guesses. Yeah, yeah. Sounds hot. But yeah, these people will just kill you. I mean, I always talk about that bartender, Caroline's. Remember that guy with the mutton chops? He was kind of crazy.

No. He was, he played one of the mortal, he was in Mortal Kombat. Oh, wow. And he played like one of the, or maybe it was like Power Rangers or something, but they're actual, you know, Kung Fu, it doesn't sound to big difference. But wow, they're both fantasy karate people. True, true. But Asian in some way. He was telling me he gave me a DVD of him training with, you know, those like those dummies that are like on the black springboard thing. Yes, yes. They're like way to the bottom. It's like a guy with pecs and no face. Yeah, no arms. He showed me him like, he's like just kicking the shit out of it.

Like, foot over the thing, like, gah, like jump kick, crazy Kung Fu shit. I like it. You took the DVD, you went home, you put it in. Absolutely. You give me a DVD, I'm watching it. At least in 2008 I was. Sure, I would have thrown that right in the garbage.

It's like a mixtape. Yeah, thanks buddy, I'll see you in hell hell. Well at the time that we didn't have Netflix and A new DVD I was like, oh and I was poor that was born but I watched it and I said I was poor Oh, sorry. Yeah poor but it was porn to poor hub. Is that something? Okay How about the porn man's yeah Yeah, poor. But it was porn too. Poor hub. Is that something? I don't know if that's anything. OK. How about the porn man's dad? But anyways, he was kicking the shit about it. He just looked like a goofball bartender.

Yeah. And then he'd kick your fucking head off your shoulders. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the mutton chops. That's a that's a bit of a tell. You don't mean a wuss with buttons. I guess you could. I mean, I can see Chuck with a pair of muttons. Yeah, I guess you're right. I take it all back. Yeah. But Chuck's not kicking that off. Yeah, it's scary out there. You don't know who's who and what's what. But true that, which I've been saying for my whole comedy career about

comics that'll snap and start calling women whores and stuff. But I'm like, can you fight? I know. I remember. Well, Jay Moore, he's not, he's not the toughest looking guy, but he was like a first-class wrestler, all American, yada yada. So all like Keith Robinson's like, don't fuck with Jay Moore. No kidding. But you'd never know. Andy Kindler. No, I'm telling you. He's like a trained fighting guy. Come on. The story was he kept doing state of the industry and he was like You shit bless you. That was a classic. He was shitting on everybody. You know this guy's Get ready to fight people what I think kin look and throw down. I mean not now, but ten years ago

How about that? Well, I'd like to see that DVD Send me the mixtape or whatever But yeah, there's a lot of people out there that could fuck you right up. You never know folks, and you never know who's packing heat. Absolutely. Chris Gathered, another one, I think is like a Brown Belt and Jiu Jitsu. Pete Lee as well. He can crack some skulls. Oh yeah, Pete Lee. Muay Thai. Muay Thai. Muay Thai. Muay Thai is that crazy Thai. Muay Thai is that crazy this shit. Oh yeah. You don't want to be that guy. You don't want to square up against a guy and he just starts

going, wow! You're like, oh no. But that's where you want to go Indiana and just shoot his ass. Right. Great film. Great film. Great turn. That was a fun joke for a kid. That's a hell of a picture. Good times. And don't make them like that. Hey folks, Toothless Stories is brought to you by BetterHelp. You know we love BetterHelp, baby. When is the last time you really celebrated a win? Therapy can help you let those little moments of compassion pass you by. Celebration pass you by.

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What the hell, oh gee, I think I cut you off with my wife being an inconsiderate waker-upper and then we ended up on an Uber or Fister. Oh, all I was gonna say, I think I said it, I was at like 6700 steps at 915, which is a great feeling. That's a great feeling. Well, there's nothing better than knocking shit out in the morning, and you're like, I have,

you know what, it's noon. You're like, I got the whole day. It's noon. This is one of the nice things about having a kid, and I was getting up early anyways, but you can really get after it nice and early. Yeah, yeah, and I gotta tell you, I've been drinking more on the road.

I don't know what's come over me. I think I'm just so excited to be out there and living and doing sets and being out of New York for a second. And I'm waking up at one and then you got to drive to the next town, which is a two hour drive. So now you get there at four, you got to be at the show at 630. So you get like two hours to yourself to shit shower and shave.

You're not writing as much. You're not seeing the cities as much. It's bad news. No, well they know what they said or Ben Franklin, early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Woo! He was good. Yeah, didn't he rape? He was a womanizer. By the way, it turns out, one episode I said, did Harvey Weinstein rape? It turns out he raped quite a bit. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah. Yeah, what can you do? Yeah, he's in jail. That's good. Did he die? He didn't die? No, but he looks like hell. He didn't look great before, but the money will keep you

lubed up. Now he's a fucking ghoul. Nah, that's too bad. In a wheelchair. But I also think they doctor him up a little bit. They're like, you gotta stay shitty looking for the court. We want him to feel bad for you. But nobody's feeling bad for that monster. Yeah, he stinks. Get out of here,stein great producer though great films Max Miramax those are his parents huh that was those as two parents names combined is that right Mira and Max whoa So mine would be Debbie Eve. Debbie Eve. Debbie Eve.

Yeah. That sounds like the cab driver that threw the shoe. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Leave it to me to be beaver. And what would you, you'd be, what's your mother's name? Be Rick and Morty. Rick Liz. Rick Riz.

I guess Riz. Lick. Could be Lick. Could be Lick or Riz. I like that. Lick productions. Yeah, Lick. Oh, that feels like more Harvey's

But who the hell knows so how about this last night? I do a legion of skanks LoS Downstairs room. Oh, hey better. I've heard that way better. It's livelier. It feels like an event What a lineup Gomez is in Jamaica Jamaica and I believe he's in Jamaica every six minutes. He vacations a lot. He likes Jamaica. That guy throws around some coin.

Yeah, he does. Well, good for him. He works hard. He's Puerto Rican. His dad's dead. So, Amiko filled in. Oh, nice. Two chairs and DeRosa.

Oh, fun. We had a great boy. Amiko is quick. Yeah, he's one of the best ever. He's one of the best Yeah, he's unbelievable. He's like Norton Norman That's it Level of Wow, I'm honored to be thrown in there. But yeah, throw my name in there yourself But it's a little awkward now, but yeah throw you in there. Yeah, throw me in there. You can all fit in there

Yeah, then DeRosa was just your rose just so's just so funny naturally, just being DeRosa. Who's another one? We're missing somebody. We were just, we're talking about recently. Well, I got the, the Theos are funny. Theos very quick. I've never seen Theo on anything. Theo's on another level and he's weird. He's like different. He's not just the good line. He has a line that's funny and out the box. I've never been in the same room as Theo. Oh yeah. He's like different. He's not just the good line. He's has a line that's funny and out the box I've never been in the same room as Theo. Oh, yeah, really? You guys would mesh. Yeah, who's another sniper? That's we were just talking about somebody. Oh Tony Hinchcliffe

Oh Hinchcliffe great on the road on the pot and Amiko those guys are really special. Yeah, Tony had a great line We were talking about a protect our parks and Brian Simpson's like, would you guys ever let me on? And we were like, ah, we can't have a black. And then Tony goes, yeah, it's not protect our Rosa parks. And I was like, here you go. Good. Yeah. That was very impressive. Yeah. He's good. But I'm, he goes unbelievable. Hey, I messaged Amiko after the, oh, it's the naked roseank fast. I was like, he was like blowing my mind. Yeah, he's great. So we're doing the show and somehow DeRosa's cocaine intake

comes up, cause I mentioned it. That's the party. And Amiko's like, and DeRosa's like, stop saying I do coke. I don't do coke. We're like, shut up. So then Amiko goes, yeah, there's nothing wrong with doing coke. I'll do some coke right now. And the crowd goes wild.

And this guy in a blazer and a mustache stood up like a fucking Willy Wonka. And he stood up and he goes, I have coke. And Amiko goes, he walks over. Amiko puts his forearm out. The guy pours the line and he snorts it. Oh my God. I can't abide by this. And then Jay had the best line, he goes, I don't know if you guys know, that was Fentanyl Pete.

Which I was like, so maybe throw Jay in there as well, by the way. But I mean, this is appalling. Zach, God bless him, I love him, he's about 350 pounds overweight. Sure. Cocaine and overweight. His heart can't take this. I got blessed him. I love him. He's about 350 pounds overweight sure Cocaine and overweight His heart can't take this. Yeah, he's sticking thumbtacks up his ass every 10 minutes. Yeah. Yeah This fentanyl crazes everything's laced and lined he lives on the edge, but I guess if this guy had blow He's probably done that that batch Maybe maybe he just bought it out back

that, that batch. Maybe, maybe he just bought it out back. But yeah, it was a wild ride. We did a good two hours of a drunk debauchery. And, uh, my point is Lewis should not be on the show. It was much better. Oh, of course. But Zach, be careful out there. Yeah. We need you buddy. Well, we don't need you, but we want you. We want you. But hey, maybe with the blow, he will, uh, eat less. Oh my goodness gracious. I mean he could have died right in the spot there. Yeah. That ticker. It's always weird because you think of a heart is like the size of a fist they say. Ah. And these big people, I'm like it's just in there working overtime. Don't get me wrong,

my blood pressure is 380 over 170. Yeah, he's a big whale of a man and uh, he really hit the blowhole. I mean, uh, I'm terrified of this and I think that's all on camera. Can't you get in trouble for that? Maybe you can't get in trouble. He's not selling it. He's not giving it to a child. He did it himself. So what are they going to do? Hey, you did blow once and he's going to go, yeah, that was a two weeks ago. Yeah, I guess so good point Boy, don't don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. There's a fish. There's a rock who cares don't die

Jerry Well, God bless you Zach be careful out there and Doesn't smoke I don't think He smoked a ham once I know that We'll see but yeah funny. And we had a great time. And it's so funny because I did the pod and it's just like wild shit. You're saying all this stuff. And then I had to do a seller set and I went up and I was sent some crazy shit and they're like, Whoa. And I'm like, Oh, this is a society again. Like this is the normal people. So millions. I have this all the time. I said, I said,

I said fucking at the dentist the other day. I was like, we should be fucking. Whoa, to the lady? No, but I did say, I was like, I know, my teeth are crooked, I wanna fucking kill myself. I said fucking and kill myself. And I was like, I'm so sorry. Because you're like, I'm a piece,

I hang out with derelicts all day. But we're artists too, I mean, I think we're numb. Our rods and cones are wired off. They're burnt off at the ends. It's frayed, because those words are meaningless now. I love burnt ends. And I had some barbecue with Canada the other day. My neighborhood, John Brown Smokehouse.

You should come over sometime. Queens BBQ. Yeah. That's another thing I'm getting annoyed by these guys. Like, you're getting this in that town? What are you creating? You got Mexican food in Syracuse? I'm like, well, there could be Mexicans here.

This is all I've ever talked about. Lay it on me, Fanny. Wait, hold on. I had a story about Burnt Ends. What was it? Oh, barbecue, John Bryant, smoked tits. No, before that, what did you say? I got distracted because you said Burnt Ends. Oh, oh, our rods and cones are out of whack. Oh, the swe, what did you say? I got distracted because you said burnt ends.

Oh, oh, our rods and cones are out of where we're numb. I told this story. If I try to do it as a bit, but one time I was at Starbucks. True story. I scanned the thing and it wouldn't scan. I was like, my app is being country. Oh, what? Oh, I forgot that country is not or not in England. Acceptable. No, no.

Yeah, but I would just go. I mean, I called an Uber driver a cum guzzler. If you say that in the playground, they'll get the big net and bring you out of there. They'll get the ice cream truck and send you off. Net betting. Yeah. I did this yesterday about you by accident.

Uh-oh. I went to get coffee when I was leaving at Grand Central. And they're like, it's so hot in here. And I'm like, it's hot in all these buildings. And they said, where do you work? And I was like, I work in this office building. And they said, on what? I told them, it's a podcast.

They said, who's on it? I said, Joliss, Mark Norman. They went, oh. And someone went, oh, Mark Norman. I go, everybody knows that homo. And I totally just didn't even think of it. And it was definitely a wicked flamboyant guy. And he was pissed.

And I almost wanted to apologize and be like, oh, sometimes we just say stuff. Like, we're not being shitty about games. a wicked flamboyant guy and he was, and I almost wanted to apologize and be like, Oh, sometimes we just say stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jitty about. You got to clock the gays when you walk in. It fell out of my mouth. I didn't think about it. Clock block. Yeah. Yeah. That's that happens. I mean, I'm famous story. I'm not that famous, but I fucked with a guy, Fieri when I met him and it did not go over. Oh boy, is he gay? No, but he's, I think he's like got companies and he's in the business and he's got endorsements

and spiky hair, but he was trying to get a barbecue pit to light and he was trying to get the gas to work. And he's like, how do you get this going? I go, boy, he'd make a horrible Nazi. And he looked back and he was like, what, what, what are you crazy? And I'm crazy and I'm like I'm joking I don't know I didn't write towards Larry David I took a risk

that goes viral and right about it he's over there with the Nazi guy he's got to make sure he's clear that he doesn't he's not into the Nazis yeah I guess my thing is like we're all adults here you're not a Nazi it yes it's a dark joke but dark jokes can be fun. I don't know. I guess I don't see the problem with it. But remember when Bill Maher said, hey, I'm a house N-word, and he was talking about the congressman, the congressman got in trouble. Oh, did he?

They're like, how could he just sit there and listen to a guy say the N-word? Okay, that's fair. And then when the re-airing or whatever of talking funny, everyone dragged Chris Rock. Right, good point, good point. So just being in the vicinity. I was on Jim and Sam one time, or Opie and Jim, I think it was one of the two,

and Larry the Cable Guy was on. He was talking about Prilosec, and then I was talking about my herpes. I was like, I'm someone with herpes, I'm riddled with herpes, but you could tell, he was like, okay, well, take care, and it was good to meet, well, take care. And it was good to meet you guys. Oh no. Cause he doesn't even want herpe talk. He's trying

to sell Prilosec. Wow. What the hell is Prilosec? That's for acid reflux. Oh, okay. What'd you also have? Yeah. So there you go. You're, you could use a little Larry, Larry, the cable guy in your life, but yeah, that is a, that is, I mean, that's why you got to respect Gilbert. God, flack. I mean, the Aflack duck is just going on about 9-eleven and the tsunami nothing better I miss Gilbert where is he now yeah he's in hell yeah oh yeah he's talking to OJ right now just go back from Africa it's all black now now like it wasn't black before great bit bit. Great comic. I remember that old Louie joke. He's like a white pillow. The only people who go to another country to go a lot of minorities

around here. Yeah. You're, you're the minority. You're the white guy. Uh, what were we talking about? We're done. Burnt ends. You got some BBQ out there and a Q Q Queens barbecue. You should come over sometime. See the baby. We'll throw back some barbecue. We'll smoke a cigar. Love bar. Barbecue is a treat though. Cause everybody goes, Hey, we'll get barbecue. And then you're like, Holy, it's like eating a pound of birthday cake. You can't have a show that night. No, no, no, no. Me and a soda got it. Terry blacks. Terry blacks is the best. It was great. The best. Well, other than two brothers in San Antonio. That I think is definitely better

because Terry Blacks is too, it's a scene. It's hip. You gotta go at like 11am or like 445 Pia. You gotta go in between pops. Ah, the peak. Last time I was there we went at like maybe it was 5.15 or something before the dinner pop. Or you gotta get there at 11am. But that place fucking rules. Well also, nobody wants to tell you this but barbecue it keeps you're like how did I spend $90 I know you get a sweet tea a burnt end and a cornbread you're like I got a mortgage my house here well cuz they make the side it's all a la carte it's like nine dollars for a baked bean it's 12 bucks a mac and cheese. It's six bucks to have your toilet salad toss.

And you're sliding that tray down there and the clock's ticking. There's a guy behind you. There's a tourist there. You got to go, go, go. Plus I want pulled pork and I also want pulled prick and I also want brisket. Give me a third of that. Give me a box of those. Give me the labia, the give me a box of those.

Give me the labia, the glitz, you want it all. Yeah, I just got really into pulled pork recently because I never liked pork because I don't like ham. So I thought like ham was pulled pork, but it's- Very different. Very different, ham sucks. I don't mind a little ham every now, but pulled pork is far superior.

And I'm not a big bacon guy either. I'm not either. I don't like bacon, I don't like ham, so I saw pulled pork on the menu and I was like, get out of my face with this. And then one day, Kismet, they were out of brisket, so I said, ah, give me the pulled pork, and I shit come out of my ass. Yeah, it's so good. And that sauce, oh, it's why the terrorists hate us. But we really, I just never realized we really fucked out that pig. We raped some pigs, which sounds like my college years. But yeah, pig, man.

That's a lot coming out of that thing. Pig man. But yeah, pulled pork is hard to beat. I mean, the brisket is my favorite. That shit melts right in your dick and whoo, ah, these vegans, you're missing out, you silly bitches. Well, this is a beef I have with my best bud, Matt Wayne, M. Dubbs. He's vegan?

He's vegetarian. He's vegetarian. But we go to all these places. We were in Kansas City together and it's afternoon time and you're like, all right, let's go get lunch. And I'm just eating a fucking salad, like a bag of assholes. And then we were in Nashville together. I eat some hot chicken, but we got to go get a salad. Oh, well, how come you got to compromise? Well, I don't have to. I mean, I could go to, but then you got to go to two places and one of you has to sit there while the other one's not Right, so it's tough. I get the not eating meat. It's that it's cruel to the animals. It's bad for the environment It's bad for your asshole, whatever

but I Love me. I know well the salad I like it's I like a salad I love vegetables and I love fruit and all that but it doesn't satiate you feel like you're not know, it's almost like dry humping. You're like, Hey, that was hot. We got in there, but it never, we never sealed the deal. Well, now people are all about protein, protein, protein. There you go. I didn't know you were protein. What are you damn straight? I, you know, the Jared Fogel or, you know who? Uh, ah, enough said. Boy. Uh, but I, that protein is the thing that everyone's talking about. I got, I got a friend, uh, who's a female who

just tells me you got to eat protein. It's all about protein. And they're like, I had two steaks yesterday. Whoa. And I was like, is that right? When are we going to figure out? I know food. Because they say that's bad for the heart, the arteries, you after the gym. And I was like, is that right? When are we going to figure out food? Because they say that's bad for the heart, the arteries, you get clogged, you get the red meat. It's like that Richard Pryor bit. You shouldn't add all that pork. And he goes

down to his knees. Great bit. Great bit. Great special. His best special. Easily. By the way, this is a touchy stuff. I can already hear the keyboards clacking. You fucking idiot Idiot steak is the best thing you talked to Rogan. He's a bag of ducks and But then other people are like if you cut out meat you're fucking this will go up This will be great and you'll do this right there's two sides that are so Adamant who's wrong who's right? I know side piece It's tough because we keep getting you know we got the food chart when you were a kid the pyramid Which is a scheme. I know it's like bread and dairy and eggs and all that shit, but you're like breads bad

Bread is sugar. We learned that the hard way so breads no good and then Eggs are high in cholesterol, but high in protein so this is the world topsy-turvy Yeah, protein is and milk is bad for you apparently But then there's people that say cholesterol is horseshit. They like get out of here with class. That doesn't matter Good class bad cholesterol and whoop-de-doo. Yeah, well, we'll be eating tofu in five years only I listen to another guy who said all that matters is calories in calories out. He's like it doesn't matter I don't know what you can have Snickers bars all day. That's calories, but it's not great.

It's not great. There's no vitamins in there. No nutrients, no sustenance. Yeah. I think you want the veggies, you want the sprouts, you want the greens and the meat. This guy basically, what's his name? I forget his name.

He's like a big live as long as you can guy. He's on every show. Oh, okay. I know this guy, Peter Atiyah. Peter Atiyah, yes. He's like a big live as long as you can guy. He's on every Okay, I know this guy Peter atia p.t.a. Yes, that's it and he talks about The key the key tenants of food diet are just don't eat too much and don't eat too little Okay, that's what he says. Well, then you hear you gotta eat a bunch then you hear fasting Yeah fast don't eat for 10 days, and see if you'll live. I was with Jason Lawhead last night, great guy, great comic. He fasts 48 hours every week. He eats Monday night and then Wednesday night.

He looks like a man, he walked in, I thought he was dying. I was like worried he was sick. I was like, you look unbelievable. Yeah, he's just thin as a rail. Just not thin as a rail, but like fit. And he's like, I've never had better concentration or energy, energy spike. I can focus. I'm sleeping again. He's like, I got to know my kids again. I learned Spanish. Yeah, he doesn't eat

from Monday to Wednesday. And then I talked to Sarah and she's like, that's an eating disorder. Oh, and then Russ Maneve, he eats every other day. Oh, but can he pig out on the eat day? I think you eat fucking ass if you want. Yeah All right. I like it. So I might try this boy I've fasted for 24 hours a couple times me and John again years ago for fun But you feel those hunger pangs like you want to kill somebody. Yeah. Yeah What's that Snickers thing? Hungry is angry. Hungry. Why wait? No,

maybe that's not good. I don't know. But yeah, I think maybe Gandhi was onto something. I mean, he died of hunger, but maybe for like the first week he was cooking. I mean, I don't know. I'd like to be, but I guess you plat, because you lose all this weight and then you kind of fix saying on one spot. But he said, he's like, I got to burst energy. I'm doing pushups. I'm bouncing off the wall.

Wow. I'll try it. Whatever works. Cause I've cut bread and I feel better just doing that. Right. I feel like you haven't had bread since 1978. I mean, I, I do it. It means Salak Hughes will hit a diner, we'll share a waffle.

So I'll eat a quarter of a waffle every now and then. And that's like my big treat But I still guzzle vodka Yeah, what are you gonna do? But I don't think that's what's bad in a horrible a different way. Yeah. Well you lose sleep I think it shrieks your brain. It's Ages. Yeah. Well, there's all these new studies about alcohol that they're like we're gonna look at alcohol the way we look at cigarettes I know that's like fucking poison. I know and then my dad would drink just That's like fucking poison. I know and then my dad would drink just Multiple beers a night and wine so but he's still hanging in there. Then you hear the queen who lived in 99 She drank a pine agin a day

Yeah, I don't know what to believe Jay Leno eats fast food all the time Yeah, well, that's the deck might be for that Peter Attia guy We should probably tell a story at some point. Oh shit, but Peter Attiaia talked about this whole thing. He was on Sam Harris and he was like, the food doesn't matter. And I was getting thrilled. He's like, exercise matters more. Don't eat too much calories. And then later on he was like, blood pressure is one of the great tests of how healthy someone is. And I'm like, but food causes blood pressure to go up. Yeah. So all the things you said about food, I actually wanted to ask Sam this when I interviewed him, even him even though the other guy said it

But I'm like how can both these things be true Yes, the food doesn't actually matter other than intake calorie intake and then blood pressure But I'm like but french fries cause your blood pressure to go up right. I don't get it. I don't get it We'll have we'll have Peter a tea on and really beat the shit out of that would be fun Oh, yeah, a lot of questions We take them to Chipotle everyone hates the comedy gas, but we have on like a serious Maybe that's the angle that's not bad cuz we can sing while he's the straight queef right only on patreon I like it. I would watch that you know it's funny as we could just put any guy on and say it's Peter atia

That's true. This is him. We just put you know sagalow on there there with a mustache. Well, he's not the pinnacle of health. Good point. But yeah. Hey, folks, Tuesdays and stories brought to you by stand up cinema. May 6th. I'm excited to announce the release of my latest acting role. This is for Joe List. Stuck in the Park, a short film written and directed by Sam Rubinoff, also starring Karen Feehan and Keith Robinson. Having just premiered in LA, it's now free to watch on YouTube. Check out the link in the bio. Come on, the guy's making movies. Get on it. Comedy. Hey, hey folks, TwoSet Stories brought to you by Astapro. Oh yeah, love it. Shout out to Astapro for sponsoring this episode and providing the show with free samples. Allergies are the worst just in general, but especially this spring. I've been grosser than usual. Thank God for Astapro. It's a total game changer.

You got to do it. We got all the pollen and the crap kicking up in New York City and I'm a walker. I'm outside. I'm out every day so I gotta stay fresh and I sound like hell when I'm stuffed up or when I'm snotty. I'm a comedian. We gotta talk for a living. So you gotta get it. You gotta get on it and get yourself some today and don't deal with this crap. If allergies have been taking you out this season, give AstroPro a try. AstroPro is a first of its kind nasal allergy spray. Other nasal sprays take hours to kick in, but this stuff starts working in 30 minutes, which is great. When I have to record a podcast,

it just breathes in general, come on. It's the fastest 24 hour over the counter allergy spray, and it is the first and only 24 steroid free allergy spray. It delivers full prescription strength indoor and outdoor allergy relief from nasal congestion, runny and itchy nose, and sneezing. They got it all baby. Get fast acting. Nasal allergy symptom relief with AstroPro. Go to AstroAllergy.com for a discount so you can AstroPro and go today. A-S-T-E-P-R-O allergy.com. That's AstroProAllergy.com. AstroPro and go. Thank you. We had Yang on the other pod and he's just the most serious Asian presidential candidate and we were popping and pappin'

and he was like, what's going on? I did eight pedophile jokes, he almost walked out. But he must have laughed because he likes Shane, he wrote to Shane and thought Shane was great. Well he likes comedy, he's just a little like, I like it at a distance, I don't want to be next to you like the guy Fieri. It's like, we're talking about, yeah, you can't just be on there going He's running for president that clip pops up and I'm going home I can't drive and he's like, all right I lost the whole race. Yeah Lace double double double meaning. Oh, yeah

Even catch that. So yeah, that's uh, we did a pod yesterday. So I'm not really crawling with with stories here, but You got anything crawling with stories? Well, I had a Hell of a time Sunday night was it Sunday night. I can't remember. Oh, I did too actually. Oh Sunday night I did one of the fat black pussy catcat Hours. Oh, those are great. 5 PM show, which has always been my dream. Oh, you're out of there by 7.

Everything Bill Cosby's done in his career, I would like to do. You know what I mean? Especially the later stuff. A show in the round, a 2 PM show, smoke a cigar on stage. Yes, yes. The other stuff. Sure. I just love that man.

And that's what it felt like, though It was 5 p.m. broad daylight and it was supposed to be the fast, fat, black, pussy, cat lounge. There you go. That's not easy to say. And I get the call from Liz. She goes, we're moving to the bar because we got too much high demand, too many tickets. That's very nice feeling. And she said we'd put putting in the VU, but there's already a show there. Wow. You could have done the VU on an off night. The VU, which is nice because you get a big chunk of the door. So I felt like a million bucks. Maybe you got a five o'clock crowd. You might have a matinee fan base. That would be nice. An M F B. Motherfucker baby. I don't know. I'm a little off. I'm recording two days in a row. I'm sleepy. Keep it going. Milk, fag, balloon. I'd like to get on that thing. Travel the world. Hit that fire thing.

What is the fire? That boosts you? It boosts, yeah. I think it gets some oxygen balloon and they are less oxygen. I don't know Who came up with the hot air balloon that guy must have been high out of his dick who came up with that name Europe? What's that? That's Ellen Cleghorn and the Seinfeld SNL from 92. Oh, he's teaching the kids in the class, right? You're Indiana Jones fighting and raising the lost Ark and fairly good because besides the snakes. I've stolen that in high school. I would do that. Oh, it's amazing. Classic. Alan Cleghorn. Who came up with that name? You're up. Great sketch. Great comedian. She was never great. I don't think. Well, she's fantastic in that one line. She had one. What was I talking about? Fat black, fat black dickless bitch.

On demand. We put it in the bigger room. It's sold out. I got some buddies coming. We do the show five P and I show up early. I'm like, I'm here to get some wings. And they're like, the kitchen's not open. It's four 30 in the afternoon. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. Why? That's crazy. But eventually they open it. I got the wing, shove the wings up my ass. Fee hands opening. She comes, she gets wings. We're getting wings, we're trashing everybody, she goes up, first two jokes. You?

Her. Her, oh wow. And I'm going, oh Jesus Christ, I shouldn't have done a 5pm show, this is horrible, this crowd sucks. But I think crowds, they need, going up cold is a nightmare. It is, it really is. All of a sudden you're just there, and the best way to do it is when Louie does a show,

or he'll introduce, like, hey, these are my friends, I brought them, watch them, and so it's a couple of real, and you're like, uh-oh. Well, it's very unnatural. We went from, hey, what are you ordering? All right, here we are. Did you put money in the meter? And then, so, is it the bank?

And you're like, oh, okay. It's a silly process. So it was one of these ones where then the next joke gets like a tittering, a teetering. Okay, we're tittering. And then joke three gets a nice laugh. Joke four hits. Joke five, kill. then like the last 14 minutes

is just like a kill. All right, well that's actually great odds for a 5 p.m. open cold. Yeah, and then by the end you're like, is this crowd like, this crowd's like on fire. She's like murdering, so she brings me up and she goes, this guy's been on the Tonight Show 100 times, Joe Less, and I go, I've been on the Tonight Show twice,

and that gets like a, wow, like a laugh. And you're like, I was like, what the fuck is going on here? And it remained that way for, I did 70 minutes. I just kept going because I just empty the notebook. Cause I'm like, well, how about this? Get a lot of work done. And she only did 15. So it's like a night, no shows in 90 minutes. So I was like, I'll just stay up here. And they're like, you have the room till 640.

So I went to like 625 and I'm telling you, this is the best show I've ever done in my life. You get the audio. I got the audio. I think they video it also. I was like, in the middle of the show, I'm like, I should just make this my special. It's like, it was insane.

It was the hottest crowd of all time and packed hot women too, which was exciting, and ugly men, and Lew Itsky was there from Sirius. Who? You know, Lou, White Lou. Oh, okay, White Lou. Yeah, I just brushed that under there. Lewinsky was there, and Lew Itsky, I think is his name.

Lew Itsky, wow, that's really close to Lewinsky. Yeah, that's a good point. Interesting. Was it Colleen Quinn? Also very close to Colleen Quinn. That is close. Yeah. And she's a big Irish lady. Wendy Lobel was there. Go Lobel. Ring that bell. Who's who of who cares? But great show. great show, just dynamite. You finish the show, you're just roaring,

and you wish that all the comics were there. I know. You come back and not one person's there because nobody. Well, we're still asleep, it's five. Yeah, the show's, it's the middle of the daytime. And then I look at my thing, it's 6.20, I go home, it's like 6.45, and there's still an hour and a half

of light. I love the spring, the summer. I know. Gay men. Yes. Yes. The gays. But yeah, that's the best feeling. You got your work in so you don't feel like a piece of shit. Now you're back home. You're good, dad. And you got a TV on. And that's bless you. Wow. And and you make like 1300 bucks or something on a Sunday. And you up the tickets like you oversold

Which is a nice feeling great feeling so I early bird. I might have to start doing these shows. They got a big Big show coming up in November that I can't promote yet. We got some runway here So New Yorkers if you're listening your gaze, I got a big big old show Oh, it's a big, big old show. Oh, it's a humbang. In November, so get excited. It's gonna be a Saturday night in November. Make clear the calendar.

That's a whopper, that's a very New York show. I made it, baby, I'm somebody, that's lunch. I over-Louie there years ago, and I felt like, oh my God, I'm cooking. Yeah, so just be near Madison Square Garden on November 9th. Ha ha ha ha, there'm cooking. Yeah, so just be near Madison Square Garden on November 9th. Yeah, there you go. Just kidding.

But anyways, yeah, so that was exciting. And then last night I did Grove 34. This is the way to do it. You get older, you're like, fuck spots. Spots are gay. Give me those hours. Hours are key. Yes, because you want to be able,

I can take it around I could take Well, what it's like 20 minutes. That's not common. Yeah an hour an hour 20 you gotta learn to pace and walk around and Buy a car all that stuff So it's nice and then I did an hour on Sunday an hour on Monday And now I got Tuesday Wednesday off before going to Buffalo, which is nice. There you go So even if I do four sets, that's 15 minutes. That's only an hour. Right. So you did two sets.

You're already up two hours with two nights off. Plus, you can really work it in better. And yes, yes. Goof around. And it's comedy is a lot of fun. It really is something special. And it's got its downfalls, its whatever, bad parts, but boy when it's cooking it's not much better. But the just being on stage part is all wonderful. All pipes. I mean let's assume the crowd is good, but

we made it to a place where we're performing for people that came to see us. That's a great feeling. Yeah which always is a mindfuck when you get in front of those regular Joes and the accountants and the nurses and the whatnots. Cuz it's like we said before with the cunty phone, phones being cunty cuz they're like, whoa, this is like high octane. Right, right. Which I forget is cuz I remember one time we were watching, you were doing an hour at the VU.

I was sitting in the back with Louie and he's like man this is some of this is really dirty but he ran you can tell he did the road and he he cornered the edges or whatever you call rounded the edges or the corners I don't know but he had a good way to put he's a smart guy yeah he's very smart we're dumb yeah and uh also I did the uh the annual Uncle Dale Firehouse benefit. Ah, classic. And that was fun up there in Massachusetts, up there without all the assistance, up there in Plymouth, Massachusetts this year. We gotta get you sometime.

I'm down. Is it a weekend? Yeah, of course. I see. Yeah. What if there's a fire? Well, there's other firemen that aren't there. Oh, okay.

They put the rookies at the firehouse. Oh, smart. Yeah, suck it interns. Yeah, put themen that aren't there. Oh, OK. They put the rookies in the at the firehouse. Oh, smart. Yeah, sucking interns. Yeah, but they put the fucking fat assholes there. But great show. This year was on a Sunday this year. Uh-huh. So I can do Sunday.

All right. Next year, maybe we'll do a Sunday. But the Sunday's tough because people work. People are like, I don't want to be here on a Sunday. What do you mean they work? They work Monday. Ah. But it was Patriots Day, so some people were up, and some people weren't.

Sunday's tough. I think people mentally just aren't ready for a Sunday. They see Sunday and they just go, nope. I agree. Sunday is bad. You think underwear, chub, TV. Do you still have this thing where you think about the wonder years or marry with children and you get depressed because you have school the next day. Oh the Sunday scary. Yes.

They call them a little bit yeah I don't have that anymore because we're comedians. Right now I well I still get it a little bit because Monday does feel like I gotta get a reel I got a fucking email from my asshole. That's true if you notice on Monday on your gram it's like clip clip clip clip clip because everybody thinks oh work day started. Well I still have the internal thing on a weekday. I'm like, I should be doing a bunch of stuff. But Sunday, I'm like, I'm putting sports on and that's it. How long till young people get rid of Monday?

That's because they're like, we're quiet quitting, we don't wanna work, fuck paying taxes, fuck daylight savings, fuck working out, I'm doing Ozembic, it's just, Mondays are gonna go eventually. But then Monday just becomes Sunday and Tuesday becomes Monday. That's why you need the Monday. I know Monday's hell, you got a case of the Mondays.

We all hate a Monday, Garfield, but you need that kick in the dick to get it going. Tony Vee has a joke about how Garfield has never been funny once ever. I never got it. He's like, I hate Jim Davis, I think he sucks, and he's like Garfield was never been funny once ever. I never got it. He's like I hate him Davis I think he sucks and he's like Garfield blows. He likes lasagna. That's not a joke There's no twists John R. Buckle and then Odie he didn't even do anything O.D. I'll be doing that later But anyways, the show was great. We had a great, Sean Sullivan does the show every year. You know Sean Sullivan?

Funny guy. Boston Comics. Oh, yeah. Absolutely hilarious. He's the one, I had him open for Louis in Boston years ago and Louis was like, you gotta quit your job. Do comedy on the road, go hit the road. And he's like, I have four kids.

Oh wow. He's like, I have a job working for the government. Does he have a thing out? I'd like to watch more of this guy because he's just like a William Wallace. He's seven foot tall. He's a foot. He can kill the Irishman. He watched the Irishman, but it took him a long time. Yeah, it's not over yet. But I don't know. He's probably got, I think he did a Comedy Central something. I think he's got a, he's got to have an album.

All right. I would like to hear that hilarious. He stole the show. He does it every year and just a killer and we had Cantor and Bulger and Greg Murphy who's a Boston comic who just happened to be in town I'm gonna come by and say hello and I threw him up there and he fucking murdered Sarah did a spot. She killed. And then Christine Hurley. Ever see Christine Hurley? I don't believe.

She's a Boston lady who's like all, her husband's a fireman. So she goes all fireman shit. Oh, perfect. The room like explodes and just a great show. We raised some money and a bunch of Tuesdays came out. So high five to them. Bunch of fucking big, tough looking gays.

Wow, I love to hear tough gay. You don't hear about that anymore. It's all just like school shooter types. But Feinstein's got a chunk on Fireman that's pretty great. She's married to one. Oh yeah, maybe I should get her next year. Get her. She would love to do it.

I'm sure they would eat that right up. And I forgot what I was going to say. That's a lot of comics on one show. It's hard because it's a fundraiser, so it's not like a big budget. It's hard to do. If I'm like, Rachel, will you come up to Boston for one night to do a show?

She's like, what's the budget? I'm like, we'll give you 300 bucks in free booze. In the old days, it was like, Uncle Dale would just buy everybody booze, but now no one drinks. We're old. Yeah, yeah, it's true. And you already got a couple bucks.

It's like when they go, hey, do this show, I'll give you a bar tab and a burger. And before you were like, that's all I need in my life. And now you're like, I can buy a burger and I'm trying to not drink all night. Well, you know what I've said for years, you know a show's bad when they mention the food in the pitch.

Ooh, interesting. Come do my show. We got fish and chips. It's the best you ever had in your life. And you're like, well, this is a hell gig. Yeah, good point, good point. Because they go with the beacon. you're like, well, this is a hell gig Yeah, good point. Good point because they go with the beacon They're like we want you to do two shows the beacon and boy do we have some steaks We got the best pizza pie in New York City. No, they go. Hey, we got a hot room. Yeah, exactly

Alright you got anything well, I went to we talked about sucking Sunday there the Sunday scaries I was wildly hung over from Madison, Wisconsin. We did the two shows, we drank throughout the shows, then we popped over to Comedy on State, one of the best clubs in America, and we got hammered there because they're like, woo, people are in town, party shots, and shots are always bad, especially if you're in a school. But we got way too whacked out at the early flight, you know, two hours of sleep, vodka running through your veins, head pounding, eyes red. You get on that

plane. I had a Bloody Mary, which I try to never do Hair of the Dog. Oh, I love Hair of the Dog. I mean, it works. Don't get me wrong. but I'm like I deserve this I stayed out I drank a ton this is what you get and then there's something to about like just keeping it going you're like man I got a real problem, right? So I try not to do the hair of the doggy style, but I had to do it on the on the flight I was like give me a BL or BM and Still didn't help met up with Salak you said eight because we're doing Ruby's special. Oh Ruby. Yeah he did two tapings at New York Comedy Club and I was dragging

ass he goes what's up with you I go I'm hungover he goes still it's eight that's how bad it was. Just couldn't get through a shit in water the whole thing suicidal thoughts. Ruby ripped it killed it. That boy Rube. Sold it out, killed it, and I went up and ate my dick. I died up there. Come on. They could feel it. Well, they could feel it, and they were there for him, and I was like, so yeah, yeah, what's up with the tsunami, huh?

Monica Lewinsky. I was off, I sucked. They could feel it, I could feel it. But I'll tell you, you do a set, I sucked, they could feel it, I could feel it. But I'll tell ya, you do a set, you bomb, hangover cured. Yeah, you get the stage health, they call it. Yes, yes, and your things are firing and it's humiliating and your fight or flight kicks in and adrenaline and dwarfins, so there's a lot of medical bodily biology going on.

Yes, stage health. You have a cold, you have a flu, you have homosexuality, you go on stage for those 15 minutes. You're cured of all of those diseases. Any disorder. Yeah, you're cured. You're back. So I was, after that I was like, what are we doing? Let's do another show. Let's do it. Let's get a drink. So yeah, it's like doing a little sniff. It is like a meco. Yes. Be careful, Zach. Yeah. Well, where are we at here?

We got the signal. Oh, I didn't see it. You pointed. I'm out to lunch. I don't know where I am. I'm on no sleep. The wife woke me up. You got some mental problems.

You were like, got it. What's going on here? Oh, did I? Jeez. I don't know where I'm at. I don't know who you are. Um. I'm Chuck. That don't know who you are. I'm Chuck. That's Joe. And, oh, no. Yeah.

All right. All right. Well, we had to folks. We we really did some whack wacky stuff here today. I don't think we told a single story, but I had a great time. Oh, this was fun as hell. Always a pleasure. Good to see you. And my father's gay. Get on the Patreon. Come see us live. Punch up live dot com slash our names.

And yeah, keep on keeping on. We'll see you in L.A., you queefs. That's already happened. That's so fast. L.A. is amazing. We just had a great time. I love L.A. Amazing show last night. Look at those big guns. Look at those trees. What a night it was. Yeah, I am in St. Louis next weekend. St. Louis the arch and Atlanta in June, Salt Lake City in June and Betty in June. Oh yeah. June bug key West in June. I'm working too

much in June, as you can tell. and I've been I got Portland coming up a lot of fun stuff So go to yeah, like you said punch up live comedian Joe list comm whatever it is and get on my YouTube. I'm ripping it up on YouTube over there. Oh, yeah this weekend I'm excited. I'm in Victoria British Columbia Big island off this side of Canada that apparently is like the Hamptons or something. Then we're in Vancouver. Then we're in Royal Oak Music Theater, which I've done before.

It's a beautiful theater right there in Mish. Fort Wayne, Indiana. Fort Matt Wayne. Then we got the old West Palm Beach in Fort Myers doubling up on the forts to come on out Florida. Then the Schubert Theater in Beantown and New Haven, Connecticut, marknomencomedy.com for all the dates. Check the numbers. We're selling tickets.

We'll see you in hell. What do you got? C-note. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, at Fun Bearable Pod on socials, funbearablepod.com. It's a fun time. All righty. Thank you, folks. Praise Allah. pod on socials funbearablepod.com it's a fun time.