Tuesdays with Stories! - #555 Chip n' Dill

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

It's Tuesday and Joe is in a PICKLE, ladies and gentlemen! Mark's some Canadian shows with Andrew Youngblood. Does Mark end up on a seaplane from Disney's Tailspin?The boys deal with a NEW office neighbor and they may be in more hot water than ever! Mark does a gig with Salacuse in tow, and Salacuse CAN'T hack it!! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Get fast-acting nasal allergy relief with Astepro. Head to https://www.asteproallergy.com for a discount, and get ready to Astepro & Go! - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS - Support the show and get a free Mystery Gift with your 1st monthly Box of Awesome shipment. Head to https://www.boxofawesome.com and use code TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to do. Holy hell! I think the cameras are on! We're here, we're queer, what's shaking fatty? Are the cameras on? I never saw you touch the cameras.

I feel like the cameras are on, we get here. I don't like it. Oh, is that right? You don't wanna do that. The controls with the computer? Something's suspect here. I didn't see you move, I didn't see you get up. It's been recorded for four minutes.

Four minutes? Whoa! I said the N word six times. Yeah, I said it eight. I mean. Oh man. God, the New York Knicks are gonna be furious with us Yeah, well, they lost the game. That's why we said it. I mean my god

Yeah, so you want to see that first four minutes sign up for the patreon and you know, you'll get the real deal You know we should do because I know you have all the files of all of us of mark And I just shitting on everybody for six years, however long you've worked here. Oh yeah. Blackmail. I know that you have it. Yeah. So we should just do the ultimate Patreon. No, we shouldn't. 10,000 bucks like, like Quint and Jaws. $10,000 would mean by myself. 10 grand. You get Chuck's fucking blackmail folder where we're calling boop a cunt and boop and yeah I mean that should be yeah we'll get a hundred people to give us ten grand that's true what's that a million twelve hundred dollars wait hold on yeah that's a lot of money but we should do that on the way out right we're gonna quit comedy when the boom is over you get AIDS

I get cancer we go we're all dying in eight minutes. There you go. All right, July of next year, you'll get it. There we go, all right. I'm in a pickle, Jerry. Ooh, I love dill or gherkin. I hate pickles, and what's the difference? Well, I think gherkin is a brand, and a dill is the sour.

I should've said sweetened dill, or this bread and butter. Uncle dill. Yeah, chip and dill or this bread and butter uncle dill. Yeah Chippin dill he was just in town. Oh Well get into it, but he left like a ten block radius feel like that guy is just oh Dale Yeah, he's a jet setter. Oh, he's in Aruba. He's in Vegas. I mean you name a casino. He's there Oh, he's a gambler big gambler big cock And a big, big hose, ironically. There's a fireman with a huge joke. One of my first jokes.

Firemen and pimps are similar. They're nothing without their hose. Hey, I like it. Right that pole. Not good. Something there. What was I going to say before I got into Dale's cock and gambling? They also got the Dalmatians, so they got bitches. That's not bad. We're workshopping. Spotty. A little bit. A bitch, a bitch with spots on her pussy. Wait, I have a pickle. Yes. Well, my child is only six and a half months. I'm already dreading leaving.

No, you got to leave the family. I got to. I can't wait. So that's I got to go to St. Louis this weekend. We've really been bonding and happy and fun. So I'm going to be one of these guys. I just know it when he's two and five and six and 10 and 30. Yeah. He's got a ball game.

He's got graduation. He's got a first date. He's got his first pub. I'm not going to want to get gone. Yeah. So now I have to be one of these guys that like, just as a radio talk show host or something. I gotta figure out how to stay home. Well, I think this is the time to leave.

He's an idiot. Of course. He doesn't even speak English. He has no memories. He's not on social media. He can't tweet about you. He's a blob. He's just a thing you keep alive. The baseball game is when you stay.

I know, but I gotta start planning to stay then. But also now is when we're really developing. He's like in love with me, Jerry. Later, he's like, fuck you, Dad, he is annoying. But now he's not annoying, he's just sweet and fun and really beautiful. Crying, the shitting, the screaming, the drooling, the spitting up.

That's all wonderful stuff. All right, that's just syrup. Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop just syrup. First Mother's Day, that was exciting. Oh! Well, people are going to be mad because Mother's Day was six months ago. Oh, that's true, you blew it. What are you going to do? But that's a fun day, Mother's Day! You really, and I tried to swing it where I'm like, well, you've got to have an orgasm on Mother's Day. Oh, that's good! You've got to let me eat you out for a couple of minutes. That's a good gift, you're a good hub.

Because that's the thing with women and men. They're different, if you ask me. Cats and dogs as well. Yeah, in L.A. and New York. Uh-huh. Blacks and whites. Absolutely. Very different. They should have their own schools. But equal.

That's a lot of five. This is episode 555. Wow. How about that? That's nice for my OCD. DD. Double D. I meant to say. Big tits. OCD. Double D. DND. Double D and DND. Wildly different. What's DND? Dungeons and Dragons. Oh. They've never seen a double D. Good point. I have a point. Although I feel like Dungeons and Dragons when they do get women, they have double Ds. They're like those fat girls with foggy glasses and big pimples. Right. I hate a foggy glass hoe. Hips up, hoes down. What the fuck are we talking about? You got a gherkin. The baby, the pickle. Yeah, bread and butter. Yeah, so I you know, I want to I I hate podcasting I love you

Oh, thank you. I'm so so on Chuck but But I Love the road. I love stand-up, but I don't want to leave. I'm dreading leaving on Thursday You see cuz now I feel real love. Yes. Yes. I was pretending to love my wife. Sure That's what they say. It's the first unconditioned you've ever felt. It's real. There's no, hey, if she blows me, I'll love her. Hey, she got me a gift. Now I love her. Hey, we got over a fight. Now I love her. This is just pure, uncut, not stomped on, shale, Bolivian, coke.

It really is. And I think many people do bits about it but you after you have a baby you look at your wife and you're like I don't love you. Of course yeah. You're just a lady that's here. I love him. I like you very much. I'm there without the baby. We're joking. Well that's with that great Louie joke. He's like I got married I was like oh I can't leave now then I had a kid and I was like I could have left. Totally. This this is real what's weird about that joke though is then he left Still ah good point. You're gonna get he's like now. I can't leave but you're like they got divorced So it's not on the door. No

Ice water. Yeah, I'm good. Thank you ice water with the lid. No ice water for you I'll take a lid No, it'll be nice No ice water for you? You want the lid? I'll take a lid. I'll take a- Get a water! Get a water. Tap, no lid, no ice. It'll be good. It'll be nice. Thank you. That's what I figured.

I figured if you get a water, he's gone a couple minutes longer. Good point. Now you're doing something to help me. And a couple burritos and a- Yes, yes, and a paint or something, will you? A New York Mets pennant. Aha, yes. Head out to Chez and we'll be here.

Give me a hot dog. Just kidding. We love Chuck. We love the wife. But, yes. Head out to Shea and we'll be here. Give me a hot dog. Just kidding. We love Chuck, we love the wife. But yeah, so I don't know, I'm gonna have to figure out how to be home and gone or bring the family, maybe I can get huge and be like a private jet with the family guy. That's huge.

Well, Malaney, I noticed, he'll put his kid right on the socials and he's got it in the green room. Because he's a private jet. Yeah, the baby. If you got the private jet and the nanny and the thing, if you can bring a team, it works. Get a consuela, like an old Colombian lady

to take care of that thing while you're doing zingers. That's the dream. I'm making $800 a weekend over here. I mean, we brought him to LA and Austin. I hope that came off as a joke number. I feel like people at home are like, wait, seriously? I'm making 900. But we brought them to Austin and LA, and it's great, and it was fun, but it's a whole

thing. I can't just go to the St. Louis Funny Bowne. I'm going in, doing the gigs, and coming back. Right, right. But this kid is seeing the States. You got to hand it to him. You're a hell of a dad. But this is, I feel like Alan, because you're like, oh, I hate to leave the kid. But how great is it

that you don't want to leave your kid? When that's over, you're like, I cannot wait to get the fuck away from this honky. Well, I'm sure when he's two and he's throwing shit and, you know, whipping farts around. The terrible twos. All that stuff. That'll be tougher. But my son is six and a half months old. He's been to Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New Jersey, New York, Delaware, Virginia, Maryland, Washington, California, and Texas. Man, your kid started out like Franklin. He was hitting the colonies.

I mean, it's pretty wild. He's been to more states than most of my family members. Wow! Pretty good. How do you like that? He's going to go to college first. He's going to be the first list with doing this. No, I can't imagine that. He'll be a fireman or a bourgeois. I don't know. Well, those go hand in hand. But in 20 years, how many jobs are there going to be? There's going to be like three jobs. And the rest of us will be UBI.

Getting the trades, kids. The weldings. The plumbings. That's what's really going to take off. I don't know. Welding? A robot can weld. Can they weld? I mean, George Weld? I think they can drive a car. Oh yeah. I think a robot can weld. Maybe a robot

can't...I think they can paint, I think they can... Yeah, but it's the nuance. It's like getting in there and you go, I need a quarter inch anal here, you know? I don't know if they've got the ins and outs yet. They can, if you go weld that as a pipe right there, they can go... Well, you're talking, you're talking yet. I'm talking, my son is 10 days old. I'm talking when he's 20, 20 years from now. Forget about it. You got a point there. They'll be making furniture and bath robes.

We'll be out of here. I mean, it'll be two robots going, oh, did you come on my dad's face for me, please? Cleef it up, anal. Sloppy jalopy. Yeah, you got a point there. All right, thank you. Chuck.

That's the one Shelby yeah, it is Shelby or live you think No, he's long gone. I got tripped on a crack on the sidewalk and he shattered like t1,000 Boy, I'm a little whacked out. I yeah, you said a little under the weather. I got all this This is all pipes right here Sinus that's the one. Could it be allergies? Maybe, maybe. But I don't usually get the L's.

Try Zyrtec. Yes. Well, uh, I was in Canada. Canada. The great white way. Unless you're talking about Trudeau's face. Oh Canada! The Great White Way. Unless you're talking about Trudeau's face. Waaah! But yeah, that's a bitch. That whole passport, the rigamarole, you gotta go up to the guy, he goes business, pleasure, gay, you go up all three, and he looks at you funny, does the Larry David. Thank you. And it's just so silly and meaningless and I had to do the bag check and I got fucking mushrooms and dildos and special K. It was a mess. So where were you?

What Canada? Give me Canada. Give me typical. This is what's fun. So I got young blood opening. A-Y-B. That's the one. Is he still losing the LBs?

Yeah, a little bit. He got the hair transplant too and he's really coming into his anal. Yeah. So, he is good with the ones and twos. He runs a bar, he's got a nightclub, he's got tattoos, he's got a gold watch, you know, and cool sneakers. He gambles, does coke. Yeah, oh yeah, he's a mess. Tattoos. But he's got some ideas. So he goes, we're doing Victoria, BC. Hey, that sounds like a time of existence. It does, yes, yes, yes, before Christ.

And now this is an island. It's kind of like a Martha's Vineyard, if you will. But it's bigger. 350,000 people live on this fucking landmass. That's a big hunk. Big hunk. And it ain't no vacation. This is where we got schools, we got colleges, we got queefs,

we got rub-and-tugs, everything you can ask for. I love it. I always hear about this. You know me, I love the PNW. And I hope I don't go up up there but I have never been. You gotta get your fat ass to Vicky. You would love it. It's landscape, trees, blue skies, water, the boats, Jerry. It's great. Rain? No rain. Wow. Good climate. It's a hidden gem. I don't know why more people aren't... Epstein should have gone there. Good point. Wow, a hidden gem. I don't know why more people aren't...

Epstein should have gone there. Good point. Wow, 350,000. I think Epstein Island only had children. That's true. He liked more of a 16. That's a little high for him. But yeah, so he goes, it's a real cum guzzler to get out there. So why don't we do this? Let's go to Seattle the night before. Sure. Get on some shows, party, and hit the scene in Seattle. And I said, that's pretty good. Why not? I love Seattle.

I'll be there July 20th, something. There you go. July 20th, Thursday. Okay. At the Crocodile. Really? Rock Club. Oh, we'll see you later, Alec.

I hear good things. All right. So we go to Seattle. He sets up a don't tell. Don't tell is big. Huge. Huge. I don't know if I'm supposed to be talking about it, but I got the headline. You do 30 minutes. You get a nice chunk of change and Bob's your uncle. No kidding. I was supposed to do a don't tell last night, but it got canceled. So they're not all killing it, I guess. But it was outdoors and raining. So you know how it goes. Well, the problem with these Don't Tells is it's a lot of young, hip cats.

So when you go in there, you realize, oh, not everybody thinks getting jizz in the face is a punchline. No, these young kids, I don't know if anyone's touched on this, but they're offended a little bit easier. Very offended and all that, and I know people get all pissy when you mention it you know oh you can't well these comics are always complaining and I'm like well we're in the front lines I see a lady go hey I talked about my gay dad relax. No they're uh yeah they're tough these youngsters are tough everything you say even when you hang out with them they they're just eye rolling and like, yeah. And then don't get me started on the tents and all that. That's intense. So we do that and then we go out, we have a couple of, you know, zings

and zangs and then we get on a boat. A ship. A ferry. Ah, ferry gold mother. Yes. Gold mother. And yeah yeah. Gold dust? What am I thinking about? That's a casino. So there's ferry, is there dust with a ferry? Pixie dust. Pixie dust, then gold dust. What is gold dust? That's a casino? And a wrestler. Oh it's a wrestler. He was like the gay guy. Was he gay? No, that was his thing. He was like all lipsticky and gay. and gay. That was his big angle. I guess that's pretty scary in the ring. That's a gay guy! Wow, this was the 90s. In the 90s that was a villain. Yes, yes. Get over here! You know what I mean? Still is in my eyes. But, uh... In my ass. The light, the heat. All right, so we go to, we get on a boat and you're just like, oh my god, I don't know what these slaves are complaining about.

It was beautiful with the views and the wind and the Pacific North jizz in your eye. It was killer. Now what kind of boat? Are we talking a car ferry, a sailboat, a ship, a speedboat, a dinghy, a clipper? Talking car ferry. Put that puppy right on there and you know the drawbridge comes down Beep beep bop bop. This guy with a little hat and he goes all aboard. Boop boop. So cool. And you're like man comedy really brings you in some fun some fun places. Absolutely. Oh the places you'll go. Yes. Dr. Seuss. Maybe. I don't know. Oh he was good.

Absolutely. Jew-hating. No kidding. Oh did he hate the Hebes. No kidding. Well he's not alone these days. No no you got that right. He was ahead of his time. Although hating Jews is kind of timeless. It's like genes. Yeah. So, we go to Victoria and we just, it's one of those like, oh my God, look at this place. We had lobster on the water. We had oysters. We had a couple of drinks and you're just looking out

and you're like, what the fuck? This is here? This has been here the whole time? That's amazing. Incredible. We do two shows. The shows are lights out. It's one of these like, thank you for coming here, we're on Alcatraz, no one comes here,

and it was just a hoot and a holler. I bet a lot of people traveled for that too. They said, hey, Norman's going to Victoria, let's make a weekend of it. You got that right, we saw a couple of them on the boat and you had to shuck and jive, which is tough, because a boat is, you know, not a lot of square feet. It's already shucky and jivey itself,

but with the waves and the. The oysters. Yeah, so the shows were good, and then we go out and we just bang one on. Now this is where Youngblood's good. So I go, what's the deal for tomorrow? I'm half in the bag, it's four in the morning. I'm like, what are we doing tomorrow?

He's like, well, we got a flight in about 10 minutes to go to Vancouver. The flight is 14 minutes. Love that. Which I like, but you still gotta go to the airport, you still gotta security, you still gotta queef. So I go, huh, what about a boat? He goes, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

I can't do any of this. And he's like, the boat is an hour, it's pretty, and it's this much, and it leaves at this time. And I go, that's pretty good too. And then we start talking to some locals at the bar and they go, here's the problem. Airport is an hour away from here. Then when you land in Vancouver,

their airport is 40 minutes from the city. Right. You could take the boat, boats a little better, but here's the move. Now we got about eight guys in Victoria all chiming in and he goes, seaplane. Seaplane? Seaplane. Seaward. From the river to the seaplane. I'm talking, you know, the floaty plane that goes, beep, boop, boop. I mean, I love a seaplane. Love a C-section. So we go, what's the deal with the seaplane?

They go, it's a little more money, but the dock is 10 feet away from here, right by the hotel, and it lands in downtown Vancouver. Right by Stanley Park, where we had our walk years ago. Stanley Cup, Stanley Kowalski. Well, they never got to see the Stanley Cup. That's true. So, well, the Canucks, they did have a big loss. I don't know if you saw that.

Yeah, they're have a big loss. I don't know if you saw that. Yeah, they're in it. Okay, so we go seaplane, and he's looking, and he's like, they're all sold out because there's about eight seats on that thing. So we got one at nine in the morning, which was pretty good, but it's still hard for us because it's five now. Sure.

So you're like, all right, but the beauty is it's 10 feet away, you gotta wake up, you gotta be there half an hour early, there's no security. It's a dream! So we got on the seaplane and we're like hungover and we're chatting with the pilots and we took some photos. The propellers right up your ass right here 28 minute flight downtown Vancouver walked to our hotel. Best day of my life. Get it. You're like a blue. Yes. Remember that show? Tailspin. I forgot about that. Remember that show?

Yes. Yes. Cloud kicker. Oh, I wanted to blow that kid. He was something. That was a good kid. Sexy little bear. That blue Jimmy Buffett had a sea plane. Really? Yeah. And the Albatross, I think it was called. Oh, that's fun. Oh, that was a little guy. Sorry. That was a little squirt box. PB&J earlier. Is that right?

I love a PB. Do you ever have this, if someone mentions a food, I'm like, I gotta get one of those. I do have that. I've been having those in a minute. Someone's like, oh man, I had a Strawberry Sunday with come on it. I'm like, I gotta make one of those. Hey, sap, let me run to the bathroom. Yeah. Give me a cream pie. But yeah, no, I hear you. You get that. And once you get your head, you can't get it out. You got to go eat it. It's almost like a bad set. You got a bad set. You're not going to feel good until you get a good one. Right. Once I hear about a cream pie, I got to go get one. I mean, have you done a cream pie? Have you ever eaten the jizz right out of your wife? Whoa, I didn't

say anything about eating it. Oh, just do a cream pie. Oh you ever eaten the jizz right out of your wife? Whoa, whoa, I didn't say anything about eating it. Oh, oh, oh. You just do a cream pie. Oh, well that's not anything exciting. That's just regular. That's just making a baby. Yeah, Jesus Christ, oh my God. That was a big slam. We have a new neighbor and she's a woman

and we are yelling about coming in ice cream and eating it. Yes, and cream pies. Her door was open. Oh, well. This is trouble. I think this is. We did get rid of one guest. We're like that.

What's that movie where they keep pissing off people and they leave and they cheer? I might have made that up. Spartacus? No, there's like a... These people live in a house and then people move in and they go, oh, we're going to... Oh, they scare them.

Oh, Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice! Yeah, they're doing a prequel. Yeahlejuice Beetlejuice yeah we're Beetlejuice and we're just constantly kicking people out but this is seriously gonna be a problem oh yeah I can hear her talking up the whole I mean this is like a business woman with a business suit yes at least before it was like an alpha dude who was yelling right he was annoyed yeah this is like harassment I mean this is like we're gonna be be arrested. Well, the door is closed and we're working.

But like this is our job. I mean, I agree, obviously. But I'm just saying she's not going to be like, well, they're working. The door is closed. Sure. She's calling. She's calling in the, you know, buy, sell whatever. And we're talking about eating our wife's pussies with coming in. Yeah. Buy people. Buy buck. Yeah, you're right. We got a bit of a situation here. You know

we should put on the door as like, you know that rating they put on the rap CDs. Oh, parental advisory? Yes, yes. Tipper Gore. Yeah, that way you go, hey it's a little appropriate there. You go, hey, got the old parental. I know, but I try to be, I don't know what noises I just made. It was crazy. I sounded like a dog. A dog's mouth. But I try to see things from the other side as best I can. Seaplane. Sometimes it's a little difficult these days but if I rented a place., I hear yelling.

She's just on the phone. It's regular. Oh, okay, I thought she was. I think she's down the hallway. Yeah, I thought she was down the hallway yelling at the front desk lady. I think so too. That can't work like this.

No, she's on the phone. Are you sure? Maybe crack it a little. Oh boy, Seattle cracking. It always stops when you open the door. Every time, every single time. It's like Murphy's Jizz. Oh yeah, I know that one. But if I started a practice.

Ah yes. I'm very proud of that poll. A practice. That's what doctors do too, which is weird. Doctors practice, lawyers practice. Yeah, they don't say practice saves sex. Well shouldn't we have safe sex? Why are we practicing safe sex? Yeah, what does practice mean? That would mean fucking a couch

with a condom on. We're practicing. You're putting it into practice. Putting it into practice. It's kind of like invest. I invested in a shirt. Well that makes a little more sense. I guess, but you also like, you invest in a company is different than investing in pants. Sure. I mean I guess it's kind of similar but it's better well there's also well people say I've never heard people say I'm gonna go I gotta invest in a I gotta invest in a better coat you can't go I gotta invest in a jersey yeah I got the other thing is I think we talked about this too is believe I don't believe in guns ah yes but I don't believe in guns. Ah, yes, but they're right there.

I don't believe in tooth fairies. Yeah. Like, just believe like, I believe this stupid thing, like God, but then there's believe, just kidding, everyone's gonna get mad. I don't believe in myself. Believe, yeah, I don't believe in abortion. Right.

But I'm like, well, it happens all the time. I had one yesterday. Right, right, right. That's a good point. I like that. Fun with words. But anyways, if I had a practice and there was two assholes talking about eating gum. Yeah. But we were like middle age too, which is the funniest. I know we're in our forties here, but yeah, we're at work and it's a podcast and we were here first. Damn right. So.

Damn right, you bitch. Yeah, get used to it. This is the neighborhood you moved into, so. All right, all right. Folks, life can get boring. Shake things up with a box of awesome. You got that right. Every month you'll get sent a box packed full of carefully chosen gear

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Let's get back to the show. Oh, yeah. Also, we've got to move. Didn't some guy email me? Don't you know a guy? We've got to run out the lease here. That's the problem. October is the lease.

It's May right now. So what's that? Five months? July, August, September, October. Oh boy, oh boy, that's a good fiver. Well, we'll just slip a note and give us five months and whatever. We're only here once a week. That's not bad. That's true for what, a couple ow? Can't beat that. Yeah, and hopefully, you know, whatever. Yeah. Imagine if you have a shitty neighbor. They're only there once a week. That's the dream. That's fantastic. All right. I got a fantastic. The problem is once a week, though, she's on the phone with the client

being like, I will get you out of this child molestation case. She's in my ass with a bullhorn. But any farts. So you take the seaplane, you get out and now what's the clientele like on a seaplane? Actually, I think the Victoria, you know, it's an island so everything's way more money But it's a lot of honkeys and a lot of well to do's it's nobody in a suit It's some guy in a Patagonia and a backpack. You know, it's just regular kind of Seattle II looking crunchy people, right? I love a crunch. I love the PNW, I'm gonna move there and a few other places.

Yeah, it's a hell of a hell of an area, a little boring. I can see, because first I pull a list, I'm like, I'm moving here, this is it, that's it, pulling up stakes, and then you're there two days and you're like, all right, we've had enough shellfish. That's every place. I guess so, except for this place, I'll tell you that, New York City, always something popping.

New York is fun, but California, final answer, that's it. That's where I'm heading. All right. Burbank, the valley. Gonna love the Cooke's, the homeless, downtown LA, Skid Row, you gotta put a mask on. We'll see you next year. Well, I'll go to Encino or whatever.

Fahim lives in Encino. Oh really? Encino, man. Maybe I shouldn't say that. But there's Recita, lives in Encino. Fahim in Encino. Oh, really? Encino man. Maybe I shouldn't say that. But there's Rosita, living in Rosita. That's true, that's true. It's a long day.

There's, what's that called? Pasadena is very nice. Pasadena, a little far, I feel like. Pasadena, Hashem. Pasadena is spectacular. The Rose Bowl, the Rose Bushes. Sure, the Dodgers. What do you like, you like the Dodgers?

I like them. I mean, I like Dodger Stadium. I love Dodger Stadium. There we go. But I don't like them. He's a good guy and a great fighter, but I don't like them. All right. Draft Dodger. But yeah, so I don't know. California, if it's probably Jersey, I'll go to Jersey. All right. All right. You're here. You know what I mean? Yes, I'll take it. So all right. Well, hey, we'd love to have you. I'll go to Jersey. All right, all right. Because you're here, you know what I mean? Yes, I'll take it. So. All right, well, hey, we'd love to have you. I'll come visit you in Jersey. I like Jersey.

Are you moving to this house at any point, or? We got the final move in. It really feels like a ruse, like you've just been kidding for a year. Because, I mean, when did you buy this place? Over a year ago. At least. Yeah, it was supposed to be done in eight months,

and it's been a year and a half. And it's a fucking nightmare. I'm still in it. I'm tied up in a lawsuit. I got bills up the wazoo. I get calls every day. How do you like this wood sample? What do you think about this lighting fixture? And I go, ah, just put it all in.

So I'm gonna get in there and it's gonna look like Joseph's Technicolor dream coat. I'm gonna have mismatched chandeliers with a roller rink floor and a hockey stadium on the roof and a garden in the lobby. I can't wait to see it. I can't wait to meet him. I can't wait to see it.

I'm looking forward to it. It's a beauty, but yeah, I'm spinning plates. It's a head spin. Uh-huh. I've heard buying a house is the biggest nightmare, which makes me just not want to do it. Nightmare. Well, if you do it, get a fixer upper, pay cash, and move on with your life.

Well, this is what I got to do though. I need a house, because here's why. You've been to my apartment. Very nice. It's a nice apartment, but it's an apartment, and we used to have, we still have the basement. There's like an office downstairs. It used to be one floor below,

so we could use the wifi from our apartment. Ah, the wifi. The router or the modem or whatever the fuck. And I could use some help or advice from any of you wizards out there, grand wizards. Get on Reddit. Reddit's good. Ah-ha. I've fallen in love with Reddit. I'm on all kinds of positive Reddits. Oh, there you go. I only knew Reddit as where everyone goes to call you a piece of shit cunt. Exactly. But there's some really convenient Reddits out there.

There you go. There's exercise Reddit, there's mental health Reddit, there's parent Reddit. That's a big step to flip something into a positive because this was all just seen as hell on earth and mean and then you flipped it. It was almost like the Klan. Yeah, they're horrible, but they cleaned up the neighborhood. Sure. Well, that reminds me of I tell the type of this all the time. Lewis Gomez, like 10 years ago, was was like I had to get off Reddit. Wow.

And I had never been on Reddit. When he said that I was like I'm gonna steer clear of that. Yes, yes. Jesus. His dad was stabbed and he's he's hanging out with that. So we used to have, we have this office downstairs where we've done the podcast a few times, and we could use the wifi, but now we moved to the second floor. So our wifi doesn't work in the basement, and the basement was Sarah's office, which saved our marriage during COVID,

because we each had a place to go. But now, there's no wifi down there, so now she's doing all of her work in the kitchen, which is the same as the living room, basically. Sure. I'm watching the Bruins and I just hear she's editing clips. So it's like, you ever be shopping? You ever be shopping? You ever be shopping? You know, when someone edits, you know, you edit.

It's just like the same word over and over again. And I'm like, I'm trying to watch the Lost Boys. But there's a thing called a headphone. Can we get a headphone? Raycon! I know every once in a while but you feel bad being like could you put the headphones on? You're an asshole and you know I'm watching the TV and the whole thing it's it's we're all right there and then the dishes too. Just doing all the dishes and I'm like we just fucking we're on the power play you goddamn son of an onion There's no headphone for a dish, but hey you got the you got the game on I mean

What's the difference you need to hear the click clack of the skates? But you got I want to hear oh, there's a shot by Neely shoots these cars right boy Yeah, I do like the commentary. I need like I want to hear the UFC I go oh, I didn't know that was called a roundhouse or whatever I like all the little nuggets. You want the thing and you're also trying to focus and you just hear clunk clunk. Yeah. Yeah. Takes you out of it. And the other thing is, you know, you got, uh, Hey, what do you want to do on the May 5th? What? Oh, you got to take a trip to see a train. I'm like, this

is a lady thing. Now I love, well it's vice versa too because she's watching Vanderpump Jizz and House of Cards or whatever, House of Tards. And I'm in the kitchen going, I might have a smoothie. And she's like, I don't give a fuck if you have a smoothie. Yeah, well who are you talking to, Rain Man? Which way this is a this was a good I got a good insight and I shouldn't I shouldn't bring up Karen but I got a good insight into my relationship because Karen is such a cunt of a human oh trash heap so the other day we're in LA we all shared house we're all friends yes everybody like the TV show I didn't write the fucking movie and we're all friends. Yes. Everybody. Like the TV show. I didn't write the fucking movie and we're all friends, you fucking idiots.

But so I'm driving with Karen in the car. And I go. Is she in the baby seat? I go, oh, this is her. That ass wouldn't fit in any baby seat. That's a good point. That needs a hatchback. So I point to a house and I go,

oh, that's the house the Uber Eats guy was at the other night. What's that mean? And she goes, what?, that's the house the Uber Eats guy was at the other night. What does that mean? And she goes, what? And I go, when the Uber Eats guy thought he was at my house, he thought he was at our house, but he was at this house. That's the same address. And she goes, why would I give a fuck?

What information is that useful to me? I don't care. Okay. And it gave me an insight into my marriage because I'm like, oh, that's the house from three days ago. The delivery guy and Sarah just stares. Yeah. And I'm like, why doesn't she respond when I say something?

But I realize she's too nice of a person to go, I don't give a fuck. Who gives a fuck? Well, that's a great wife. That's what which one? That's why it's nice. That's that's why it's nice to have a woman who's a piece of shit around, because she tells you the real thing. Well, it's not a woman who's a piece of shit, she's a friend.

She can give it to you straight. But it gave me a good insight, because everything I have a thing where everything I think, I say out loud. Yes. My whole life. I'm a little hungry, and this is why people think I'm a cunt and a bitch and a fag and a douche Right and a cuck and all these things cuz I'm like, oh man. I'm a little tired. This guy's tired all the time I'm like, well, I'm not I don't care. I'm just saying

I'm hungry. Oh, this guy's always hungry That's a good yin and yang cuz I don't say what I'm thinking all the time and you do it I think my wife's the same way. She's always like I might have a Coca-Cola and I go alright I don't care but I need a person around to say that right so I'm driving around every second I'm going oh look at that billboard oh that's a cool movie I remember seeing that movie look at that TV show I love Chipotle Chipotle would be nice right now but really I want a smoothie and my wife's just staring yes I realize she wants to carry me yeah like shut up you fucking crooked tooth piece of shit.

You're getting a small dick and big herpes. Yeah, no, you're not wrong. Yeah, well, that's a good friend. See, that's when you know you've got a genuine pal. Is when they can go, I don't give a fuck about the address, Uber Eats, you fat whore. Is that a good pal or a bad pal? I think it's a good pal.

I mean, look, you don't have to call you a small dick, herpes-ridden forehead face. But you know, I think keeping it real is part of a balanced breakfast. Right. But, you know what you gotta do? You get into this hot water with... I tried, neither one of them's down. Alright. What you gotta do is you're on this hot water with all this horseshit with Karen, you gotta make a movie is you're on this hot water with all this horse shit with Karen you got to make a movie

Where your friends? Yeah, the movie where you make out and you got all this shit. You got to make a movie where your your brother and sister Hey Couple things well that might be a porno. I'm not in any hot water. It's these assholes that message us going Hey, you can fuck that's what I mean our relationships never been better we're tip-top sure it's these fucking lunatics at home going virgin. If you think that's a make out our fucking lips kiss the way I kissed Chuck on his birthday. Gregory Peck. I wouldn't make out

with that woman with your tongue. No, you'd have to get your lips dry cleaned. No, it didn't. We picked, we packed, we picked and packed. And I didn't write the goddamn film or direct it, although it's a damn good movie, I think. It's fun, Keith killed it, but, well, let me get back to the Canucks. Oh, yes, the Canucks. So we did Vancouver, and how about this?

The hotel we stayed at was the hotel where Comedy Mix was in the basement. Remember that club? That was one of the great clubs ever. Great club. All time club. Banger of a club, lunch club, Comedy Mix just died in COVID. It was one of those clubs with the hotel on top of it so

you could just meet a fat lady in a wheelchair and get on that elevator and pop into the bed. I did that club twice, two of the best nights ever. Once with you. Oh, the best. The festival, you, me, Vitor and Sam and Sam and Maria Bamford and Carmen Lynch. Line up. Yes. And then I did it with Louie when we were doing the arena. We did the Vancouver fucking hockey arena. Wow.

And we did. We went to the mix. He did a pop in? Big pop. Love a pimple pop. Speaking of which, he's popping in at Fat Black tonight with my show. Oh, you got an hour? Yeah.

What time? 7P. All right, I'm on New York Comedy Club at 730, but I might, he's going up first, I assume. I think I have Derek Drescher, and then probably Louie, and then me. Boy, Drescher's on the roster now. He's in the roster, I assume. I think I've Derek Drescher and then probably Louie and then me. Boy, Drescher's on the roster now. He's in the roster. He's in the group.

Look at that. He made the team. You're off the bench, you big homo. But yeah, so I go up to the deck. You feel crazy. You know, we're hungover. We're on a seaplane. I'm a little wonky. And you go up to the front desk and you go, am I nuts or was there a comedy club beneath us? And the guy goes, oh, great club. People come by still ask about club. What's the accent?

I don't know, he was Asian. But, uh, we had a great time in the hotel and we did the Vogue Theater, two shows. What a banger. I mean, that is a great room. And a guy hit me up and he goes, Hey, I'm at the theater. And I'm like, Who's this? He's like, I'm filming for you tonight. We set this up eight months ago. I go, Oh, great. Turns out he did soda special. He had Quinn specials. I was like, Oh, God, I got a ringer here. And we had a great time. And yeah, flew

back. Seat 26A Air Canada. Fuck Air Canada. You can suck my ass. There's no wifi. The TV didn't work. I'm on 26A. I tried everything to get upgraded. I got in the lounge at least. Okay.

Here's the lounge. This is why Canadians are a bunch of queefs. It's breakfast. I just got raped in customs. My ass is bleeding. I go to the lounge and hey, maybe I'll sit on a bag of ice. This is the lounge food. Yogurt, a cut boiled egg and baked beans. You goddamn hockey playing, Mountie blowing, red leaf juice, baked beans! Baked beans? I'm from Boston, I don't like a baked bean for lunch, dinner or dessert. Exactly. I'd rather eat my own cup. I would have put that, I you get in the lounge, you're like, I made it! And then it's a goddamn baked bean up your ass. And yeah, by the way, what am I, a terrorist? I got on the plane, I ate about a gallon of baked beans,

and I'm just like, pfft, pfft, pfft. It was as if I was a prop plane. It felt like I was propelling the whole plane with my ass. Well, I mean, the 26A is appalling. I love that you're like, I tried to get in first class. I'm like, well, you couldn't take out your wallet. I tried, it was- You got appalling. I love that you're like, I tried to get in first class. I'm like, well, you could take out your wallet. I tried.

It was first class. I tried that. I would have paid top dollar, but it was taken. Your thing's way off. I got my own timer. It should have been like five minutes mine, right? Yeah, nine. Ooh, that's a big, big miss.

I'm telling you. Nine's a big jump. I'm at 39. I pressed play. Play. We were four minutes in when we beforehand. Yeah. And I'm at 39 minutes so that'd be 35. It's alright. Let's cut this. Alright, we'll cut this. We'll cut this but I mean I'm over here. Yeah, well you gotta cut that part out. Yeah, you're a whack job. You don't know what the hell's going on. Alright. You're fired. You're out of here. Give me a water. Now. I would love to be a baseball umpire just for one game.

Just like you want me to run you? I'll run you. Oh, yeah. You're out of here! How fun would that be? And you do the chest bump and the kick in the dirt? Yeah, it'd be good stuff. Well, that Leslie Nielsen, that first naked gun is that I was an eight year old boy. I was on my tippy toes wearing panties and howling at the moon when I saw that scene. No, it's the greatest. It's the funniest scene of all time when he does the fucking flip around. That's amazing. But the realization of the crowd. Yes, yes, exactly. And Rico Palanzo.

The delay in the first time. I mean, the guys in the wrong seat. It's one of the great visual jokes of all time. Oh my God, that was gold. It's the greatest. It's the fucking greatest film of all time. And he goes, strike? The crowd goes wild. And then call in the strike before the ball gets there. There's just too many. The bloopers, the tiger, the car. The tiger? I forgot about the tiger. The guy goes up for the catch, his head comes off.

It's the tall order in Nuremberg. I mean, heroin. Oh, and then how about the, what is it? What is that guy's name? George Kennedy? Yes. He's eating a popsicle, then he has a chili dog, then he drinks a beer. I mean, that scene, we love it! How about the George Kennedy where he goes, you got something in the inside of your mouth, no, no, the other side, and it's half a banana.

Banana, yeah, yeah. The microscope, use the open eye, Frank. Remember that one? He goes, look at this, he goes, I don't see anything. He goes, use your open eye, Frank. Yeah. That's fun. I mean even the opening scene with the car and the

light on top with the siren that goes into a gynecologist's office and it goes into a women's locker room they all go, ehhh. That's all time. That came from the tits. What the fuck was that? I tasted that one. That came from the nipples. Hey folks, I want to shout

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Receive your first month free. Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information. And thank you BlueChu for sponsoring the show. So yeah, getting back was a cunt and a half, but we got back and yeah, all's well that ends well. Me and the wife had a nice little date last night. It really hit the town.

Oh, for Mother's Day. It was a Mother's Day. After the abortion, we felt like we should celebrate. That's fun. Yeah, we had a nice little date day yesterday too. We went to Astoria Taco Factory. Ooh. I've got to give a shout out.

If you're in Astoria, I know we've got a few gays in Astoria or whatever. This place is premium. Taco premium. I usually get it. I think it's called taco factory but it's not a factory. Oh good cuz you know gotta have a union. I think it's just like a little place should be taco house because it's very small. But I always get it delivered. We went there that couldn't have been nicer some of the best salsa I've ever had in my life. I got an enchilada with salsa verde. I love salsa. Well, verde is what?

The green? I see. Then there's rojo. Rojo, Perez. And this was the best. It was the best. You know, I love Magnolia out there, and Austin, all these places.

This was better, best, and it's real Mexican. This isn't like white hipsters at a diner. This is Mexican, so Astoria taco factory. All right, the migrants finally got a gig. Give it up, give it out. Give it a goog. Zip it up and zip it out. But yeah, I had a weird week.

I was home all weekend. I was supposed to be in Indianapolis. That got moved to September. I'm still coming, not till September, because my niece was moving out of school. Just like that, they come and go. It feels like just six weeks ago I was talking about how she moved in. How do you like that?

Yeah, your kid's already six months. I mean, it flies like a seaplane. Well, it goes slow until you step back. Right. Like, I feel like I've had this child for 10 years. It does feel like that. So I always feel like the more the more in life you're living and I think there's like science to it, stuff feels longer.

I don't know. I feel like when I'm busy and I'm doing this I'm doing that I'm running around it zooms. No. You don't think? Because I feel like when I'm sitting there staring at the paint dry I I'm like, this life is forever. Well, it feels fat. If you're doing the same thing every day, life flies because nothing's happening. You're not taking in any information. I guess so. I guess so. Don't you feel like when you have a day like that LA, doesn't it feel like we were in LA together fucking six years ago? Yeah, true. That was a week ago.

That was a week ago. Maybe less. That was eight days ago. We did a week ago, maybe less. That was eight days ago we did the live pod. Is that right? Yes, that's what I'm saying, but since then you've been to Vancouver and the thing and Seattle. Victoria, sea plane. That, I'm legitimately like blown away right now as I'm saying this, that that live episode was eight days ago. Yeah, it's kooky. I feel like I haven't seen Salacuse in six months. My whole life has changed since since then yes, yes, but that's a great way to live We're packing in in eight days. We're packing in more in our ass than a gay guy on Christopher Street well think about it if you were if you work from home, and you're working from home

Monday through Friday, and your day looks the same yeah eight months Feels like one day I see see. Because it's just- It's the same shit. You're doing the same thing. But if you, in the course of six days, we've all been on vacation, obviously, whatever you do for a living, you go to Paris and you go up the Eiffel Tower

and you go to the Louvre and you fuck a kid and you go paint a picture, you come back and you're like, that was a whirlwind. I feel like I've been home a year. Yeah, yeah. Well, have you seen this video is going viral? A guy goes, I'm gonna film a day in the life of a normal person.

And it's a guy who's 28, a college grad, who has a nine to five. He goes to work at nine, whatever, does an office job, goes and gets lunch at noon, clocks out at five, goes home to his wife and his kids, does the commute, plays with his kids, fucks his wife, has dinner with his family, and then goes to bed, and it's the most boring nothing video, and all these young kids are like,

what the fuck, who could live like this, oh my god, I imagine being in an office all day. So it's a very interesting insight that it's popping off. This is the most boring thing, it's popping off. This is the most boring thing. It's the quote unquote normal life and everybody's freaking out about it. Right, interesting. Isn't that weird?

That says something. Well, I just think if you have a job, you gotta break up the monotony. Yeah. You go after work, you gotta hit the bar or go to the gym or watch a movie. Try to mix things up a little bit. Sure.

Because it gives you new, it triggers new memories and thoughts and whatever because that and that'll extend your life. Totally. I mean, I grew up in Louisiana. You grew up out there in Witt and how many friends you got who, I have friends who've never been to Canada. They've never left Louisiana. They never left New Orleans. They don't give a shit. They don't want to leave there. They go to the Super Bowl, watch Super Bowl every year. They watch the game. They have a hot dog and they do. Then they kill themselves. Yeah. I mean, my parents will not have a passport at any point in their lives.

So much world out there. I know. Where's the curiosity? But I think we might have talked about this before, but you forget, because you see the world the way you see it. That's right. So I got traveling in my bones since I was a boy. I wanna go everywhere.

Like the Truman Show, you wanna go to Fiji. Right, but many of these people, it is not in their mind. I don't think my mother gives a fuck about Germany or Ecuador. If you said, I'm going to give you a free trip to Ecuador, in fact, I'll give you $1,000 to go to Ecuador for 10 days, she would say, thank you, no thank you. It's work. That's a chore you're giving me. Yeah, and not just a chore, but like like I don't want to not speak the language I don't want

to eat that food I don't want to be in a jungle you could get killed as a tiger you get robbed. I mean most people not most people most people live in cities but like most people that don't live in a major city don't want anything to do with a major city. Nobody in my family well well not nobody in my family, but the older generation of my family is like, we should get down there to the World Trade Center. Now they're like, I don't want to fucking, the traffic and the horns and the honking.

Yeah, yeah. Well, when you put it like that, it does sound pretty shitty, but you know, you can do that with everything. Hey, I don't want to have a kid, the shitting, the crying, the screaming, that's no good. Of course. But they had a kid or two. Right. I don't know that they wanted to. the crying the screaming. That's no good. Of course, but they had a kid or two, right?

I don't know that they wanted to yeah See a lot I think at most people that's funny because most people are like I want to go to Thailand and not have a kid your parents like I'll have a couple kids and not go to Thailand, right? Well, I think two before that was the noise in them to be like you're supposed to have a yes I just how many people get married because they think they're supposed to how How many people in this room get married because they think they're supposed to? Guilty. At least one. At least.

JK, LOL. Boy, May's having a tough one in this one. Well, you know, it's funny. Speaking of her, for Christmas, I don't know, two years ago, her brother and her sister got together and they said, for the Christmas gift for the folks, let's get them a trip to Paris. And I was like, oh baby, that's a great gift, you guys are great kids, your parents are gonna ship blood.

I pulled the phone out, I filmed the reaction, you know, secretly, it was behind the scenes, and they go, here you go, envelope with the tickets and the whole thing, and the mom goes, ah, it's a lot of work. And I was like, I got the whole thing on tape, it's beautiful. I'm telling you, these people, they don't want to. And this is what my therapist says sometimes,

because certain people in my life, parents, I'm like, we're going to Palm Springs. I rented a house. Get excited. And I think they're like, OK, we got it. And I just picture them alone in the bedroom going, we got to go to fucking Palm Springs. He bought a ticket. It's 115 degrees. I don't give a shit. I hate mountains. I hate snakes. I hate lizards I hate whatever the fuck sand beach sun cancer nightmare Yes, so can't you feel it sometimes too like I was at the Netflix fest with you

I had one night I had to go to casino gig in Coachella Valley. So Salak use is like I got a car I'll drive you I go. Okay, but This is you know, we're gonna leave LA, we're gonna be in traffic, you know, it sounds like fun. Hey, a couple comics, going to a gig. Da, two and a half hours in, he's like, he's dying. I can see he's like, he's fading. So he's like, we gotta get some food.

And I was like, all right, we'll get some food, that's gonna add a lot of time to the trip. We had to pull over, we had to get the In-N-Out right we'll get some food that's gonna add a lot of time to the trip we had to pull over get the in and out I bought him a burger I bought him a shake I was like I'll drive and come on and he's like I got it I got it but he gets to the casino what does he do in the green room he falls asleep he's not one of us he's not you know he is but he's not he doesn't get the road like Tucker but he just wants to be with you this man loves you Well, I love the guy just loves you more than I've ever loved a person in my life

I'm gonna send me every clip of you every video every preface. He'll text me. Oh, you should've heard what Mark said I'm like, I don't care what Mark said. I wish he was my dad. He goes. Oh, here's a just The sick the clip. Here's a trailer. You sent this to me already Oh, here's a clip, here's a trailer. I'm like, you sent this to me already. He sent me this trailer for this video you got twice, two times. I feel bad for his kid. His kid's probably like, what about me, Dad?

How about a hug? Well, son's walking around going, comedy, Dad, comedy. Come on, notice me. Yeah, either way, everyone's not built for this, is what I'm saying. And we drove back and the guy was tuckered out. I have a photo of him we can put on the Patreon. He fell asleep on the couch in the green room.

And I walk in, I went, because it's gold. Me and the opener, Caleb Seidner, we're chugging beers and high-fiving, we're working on bits, it was great. Well, it's different strokes for different folks. I mean, again, we were in LA, and every night I was back at the house with a nice stogie listening to brrrr, brrrr, brrrr. I listened to that

when I was on stage too, but you know, it was me and Derek and Erica and Karen and Sarah and the cigar and the baby and I've never been happier. And then I see a video of like, here's what you missed at the comedy store. And it's Bert shirtless and Dave Chappelle and you were walking in. I'm like, I would not be there if you gave me money. Really? Well, there's 80 people. You're not having a real conversation.

You're yelling in the ear. What is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We should work together. OK, great. Yeah. What? Another cocktail. All right. Oh, Chappelle's going on. Everybody. We got to listen to what he has to say. OK, be quiet. What are you going on?

I can't. Meanwhile, we're back at the house going what the fuck it's like the old seinfeld how do people live like that yeah which i remember having with my friend ira proctor we would drive up the same thing a gig in new hampshire and we're looking at these farmers on a house going that's crazy oh these people they're living upstate new ham on a farm, they're milking, they're jerking cows off. They're hoeing, still in the soil. And we would laugh so hard, because meanwhile they're like, we have a 30 rack of beers and a beat up used for tourists.

And we're literally drinking beers and popping Vicodin on our way to make 60 bucks. Yeah. And they're going, what are you crazy? I raise chickens and then eat them. I'm raising a child. Yes, yes. And we're like, literally both feet

are on a 30 rack of bush light. I know it well. And we're drinking them with the sun out. I mean, you did it the same gang in the back seat. I'm handing you Vicodin going, woo! We were popping Vicodin. Yeah, we were eating steaks in a bungalow in the middle of nowhere at a carport.

And then we got into a fist fight or something, then we wrecked the place. Well, I reclaimed his favorite comedian was Mark Twain and I literally we almost fist fought. It's the angriest I've ever been. I mean, famously we got in an argument about whether or not the East River was a river and I got out of my own car and spit on the windshield, hawk-alugia on my own windshield because he was driving.

And I was like, I'll fucking walk from here. We were banged up already. The sun was still, still I think we did a 6 p.m. gig. It was in a carport. It was like there was a stage and a outdoor with picnic tables and like a metal little shitty shingle metal roof. And that was the gig. Yes. And we got in this big argument. Him and I also got an argument one time about why the scoring was lower in the mid 2000 the NBA and I was saying it's better defense and he was saying it's worse offense and we almost fist fought I mean we had to be separated.

Interesting. I mean it was like a pole in each other pile you motherfucker oh gosh you motherfucker no fucking piece of shit. Backed umpire. Yeah it was it was it was crazy but I you know I had a drinking problem. Well yeah we're all half in the bag, or in the bag. There was no half. Oh, yeah, all the way in the bag.

Yeah. And it was great times. Good times. But I do kind of miss that wild youth of just like, who cares? We might get into a wreck. We might die. We might beat each other up. We might blow each other.

Tomorrow, what was it real? Right. And there was no phone, really. we might beat each other up, we might blow each other. Tomorrow wasn't real. Right. And there was no phone really. I mean there was a phone, but it wasn't, now you kind of feel like if I'm not documenting, I'm not alive. I know. Back then you just lived.

I know, now there's no more just, I've said this all the time, there's no more just like, I had a great set and I riffed, and there's no more great, that was a great hang, in the middle of it you're like, fuck, we should be recording this. I know, it's so gay. And a great set and I riffed and there's no more great that was a great hang yeah in the middle of it you're like fuck we should be recording this I know it's so gay and a great set sometimes I'll have like the set of my life and I'm riffing and I'm just mad that I'm like ah I didn't get a camera guy I know I should be like that was the best show of my life it's gross

uh you know what they should do you know they have key parties remember key parties no what's that that's where you go into a party big party, and you put your keys in a jar So no one drinks and drive or whatever. I don't know what the point, but they should have phone parties. You walk into a party you throw your goddamn phone in a fish tank and just live and fuck and drink and dance and sing and queef. Absolutely. Well Quinn's wedding they said no photos allowed. I like that. We have a photographer. Let's not. I mean, you know, Jerry was there and everybody else.

But not everybody else. Jerry was the only real star. But still, they're like, no photo. Let's just be here. Yeah. Be here now. I guess Schumer was there and calling himself. You know, what's cool about Jerry is he did the Hollywood bowl with Nate? Yes, same night as me at the Regent. Oh you were there? Yep. I didn't even know you were at the Fest. Yeah, so

Nate uses homeless pimp. Ah, the pimp. As you know. Absolutely. Pimps and hoes and so he's like yeah come by and film some shit and then Jerry was like sitting on a couch while they were you know by and film some shit and then Jerry was like sitting on a couch while they were you know shucking and jiving in the green room and Pip walks in he goes who the fuck's this guy you know he's got a flowery jeans on and a headband and Elton John heart glasses and he's like I'm a video guy and Jerry's like video thank you like I just did unfrosted I got enough video fuck off and he goes well I'm legit. I use I use Nate and he's like, I don't care and he goes why just film Colin special and he goes Get in here. Wow, that was that was the password. He was it. He's like you film Colin special

You're writing my book. You can film me fucking my daughter. No kidding. All right. Well, I'm gonna next time I see him I'm gonna say hey Jerry I see him, I'm going to say, Hey, Jerry, I sniffed Chris D's hand and trash you quite a bit. But I don't know if Chris D is going to be enough. But yeah, Colin, talk about how you massage his feet and gave him a haircut. Absolutely. Best haircut you ever had. Um, well, that's like, we listened to Seinfeld on Mar, which was great.

Uh, the first 20 minutes, I didn't care for it. I jumped the gun. I was like, this is the worst podcast. They both assholes. And then the last hour I was like, this is the best thing I've ever listened to. Really? But he talked about how, uh, Mars, Oh, Mars, like I want this podcast to be, if you and I were having a conversation in my living room, same conversation. And Jerry's like, that's not going to happen. Of course. He's like, I'm not get cancelled here. Yeah right. Which is fun because it lets you know that Jerry in private is letting the explicitives fly. Oh hey, who you talking to? He called me a little bitch within ten minutes of

having a breakfast burrito with him and then he called me a retard. Oh wow retards fun. Yeah. Well Regan is similar. We want to give away too much meat into the salad. It's the beauty. I mean, this guy is shooting a Pop-Tart movie made for special needs kids. But behind the closed door, he's fucking Andrew Dice Clay. Right.

They're fucking? Unfortunately. Isn't it scary that he's like 70? Everyone's so old. He looks good, though. Don't you think? Oh, he'll be 100, but... He never really drinks, he works out every day, he does all these meditation bullshit, he's zen-ed out, he's stoic!

Yeah, we gotta do it, we gotta get in shape, get healthy, I can't stop eating donuts and Chipotle. I know, I gotta stop drinking, I gotta get some fucking sleep! Sleep is big. Sack time. Well we're doing the sleep training and it's wonderful. What's that mean? We're really sleeping. You gotta train the baby to sleep. You put him in a room, you shut the door, you don't open it for another 12 hours and he cries and screams. Wow. You go right to bed and that's it. That's like Al-Qaeda. It's a, what do you call that, a solitary. Well it's horrible, but it's working out great.

And now we're getting some real sleep and some real fucking. Well, my dad, no, not my dad. My friend told me that the hardest part about the kid is the guilt. It's not the shitting and the whatever, it's the guilt. The kid goes, I want a bun. You can't have it.

They go, I want it so bad. And you're like, you can't have it. And that's the hard part. So when he's yapping on the other end of that door, that's gotta be tough. It's very tough. That's hard. And people bring up the shit.

The shit is quite pleasant, honestly. Like sweet, you bond, you're looking at each other. He's very sweet. You wipe the butt. You feel like that's not anything. What about the ball bag? Anything there? It's very small.

Okay, that helps. You take the poo off. He's discovered it. He squeezes it and I would do the same yeah I do do the same they do do hey hey I was a real dick flinger back in my day I would really whoo flick the day sex no it I think don't you love Sex. No, it's a guy did it last night me too. I put it on last night. I slept in it Well, we're on this every other day thing every other day and it's quite convenient Because you're like, hey It's every other day. I mean can be for you. I feel bad for this broad you got here, but she turns her back to me

It's okay. Great. I bust out my yearbook. She picks a new guy every night to look at. Perfect. Black and white. It's a high school yearbook. So she's kind of a creep. Oh, pedo. Yeah. We have a nice time and it's nice to just orgasm right inside of a coach. I'm a shooter. I like the Sandy hook and Columbine all over, but I keep it in every now and then. Yeah, you got to keep it in and you yourself a child and that's exciting. Sometimes they can feel the shoot and they're like, oh, that was interesting. I think they love the shoot. Well, whenever I get one in the ass, I always think, whoa, that felt like it went right to my nipples. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what it's supposed to do.

The whole the whole design was to shoot it in there and have her suck that shit up and egg it. I don't really know what goes on in there. Both the ass and the bus. It eventually hits a wall, right? Yeah, but the wall and the vag ass is the hold of the ball game. But the walls of the Vagai, I think, are like meant to absorb. Mm hmm. Yeah.

The swimming is not necessarily the swim. These are in the jazz. Yeah. The Swimmy is not necessarily, the Swimmies are in the jizz. Yeah, 500 million of them or something like that. No kidding. It's like the border. It's wide open. I gotta tell you, I think this is one of the all time episodes. This is humding.

That is the episode of the year. 555, Lucky 555. That's an episode right there. Put that in your pipe and jizz all over your wife's clam. Chuck, do me a favor. When this episode comes out on May 20th, May 19th, my niece's birthday, text me and say, hey, your favorite episode's coming out tomorrow. Because I'm going to really, you know what I mean? By then, this company is going to be working for us. And we're going to be, the numbers are going to be through the roof.

I'll believe it when I see it. Roof we'll see roofie I mean this is gonna be the biggest part of all time we're going straight to the top I mean these guys you weren't in the meeting you should have been Chuck and I were in there these were men with jobs really I'm telling you what all right these were they had they had jobs and they were sitting like this you know they were really in there like if you fucking get us it was like Hulk Hogan shooting a promo It was just the idea that anyone would take this seriously with numbers and graphs and chart It's beyond me bed bath and beyond me. I'm telling you this we're going straight up, baby

I don't know what's taking so long. We're delivering the goods every goddamn week. We had to sign the contract. I see. Now that we're signed, forget about if. There's your sign. Hey, Lou. Get her done. Get her done, folks.

Absolutely. All right. Where you going to be out there, Chachi? I don't even know. Let me take a peek here. May 20. I'm at the Schubert Theater, I'm at New Haven, I'm at Seattle, the Moore Theater, I'm in Portland, Oregon, I'm in Fort Collins, Colorado, I'm in Colorado Springs,

which I've never been, I hear is a really cute town. I'm in Sioux Falls, I believe. I'm going to South Dakota. Never been to the Dakotas. Dakota Fanning. What else? Carolinas, I believe. Florida, Palm West, Key West Palm Beach. Thank you. That's big. And Orlando. Doing a lot of Fort Myers. So yeah, marknormancomby.com, punchuplive.com slash our names and get on the Patreon. What do you got there, Chet? Salt Lake City, one of our favorite clubs, Wise Guys. Great club. June 7 and 8, Luke Monas, we're back. That's when we first worked together. I mean, you know, we did the London thing. Mohegan Sun, one of the best rooms of all time June 13 well uncle Dale be there June 13 14 15 key West my favorite place on fucking earth

The movie's done by the way. We're just putting the finishing touches this Tom Dustin film It's coming and it's coming in your ass bring it on. You're in there Wow Key West I'll be down there June 20, 21, 22. Portland, Maine, early show sold out. We added a second show. That's Monday, July 1st. Hatchi-matchi. Get those late show tickets. Atlanta, July 18, 19, 20. That's the punch line. The Crocodile in Seattle, July 25th. Nice. And then August, Milwaukee Improv, Magubes, and SideSplitters, my fucking other favorite club. Great room. September, I'm crazy. It's crazy. I got Oklahoma

City, Portland, Helium, Indianapolis, and Skankfest, of course. So. Wow, you're going to miss those first steps there, Fatty. It's going to be a lot. And God, that's scary. Don't say that. Helium, Philly, October 3rd through the 5th and Madison in October Chuckie baby. Tell them about the pod. They got check Jones. Check out my podcast fun bearable Good stuff coming up. We just released an episode where Ray came back from Ireland and he did some shows in Ireland Ah the emerald aisle the host took out a gun on stage And it's part of his act Does a bunch of joke with a real gun.

Really came out of the prop comic. I was like what the fuck? I'd never heard of that before, but it's a crazy story. And then we're gonna be doing a live episode. Our 100th episode is gonna be live at the Comedy Connection in Providence Island. Did you get Soda? No, Soda was, he had family that day. He was like, ah, this day, whatever. It's okay. Sorry. I appreciate it though. And uh, yeah, so uh, sunday july 21st. We're doing the 100th episode of fun bearable live at the comedy connection east providence, Rhode island All right You're 455 behind us. Congrats on 555 hours. How many days is that? Let me do a quick math check here. We know any day. Oh how many days like days? I'm gonna guess five

divided by 24 Six months that is now 23 days yikes. That was way off not even one month 20 but think about it if we started We're like we're gonna podcast for 23 straight day. I mean, that's crazy 23 days of podcast There's some bonus in there too, by the way, though those hours count as well. I mean that's crazy. 23 days of podcasting. Throw some bonus in there too by the way. Those hours count as well. I might have done the math wrong. Let me just double check. We're double checking numbers. Yep, 23 days. All right. I'm ovulating. Thank you folks. No one wants to be themselves Up in the heavens where legends cry Homelessly watching the music die