Tuesdays with Stories! - #556 Mental AIDS

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

It's Tuesdays everybody and we're coming off a GREAT hang with Markus, Jojo, and Mister Louis CK! Mark's rods and cones are all screwed up and he's running back and forth to forgotten spots all night long. Joe's working out new stuff as Steven Wright stops by to drop some compliments! Mark goes to Fort Wayne, leaves some important items in the airport, and a lovely lady saves the day!! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS - Support the show & get your $1 a month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I'm supposed to do. Ah yeah! Whoo! Man, what a morning. There it is. You heard it here first folks. The armpit fart, the neighbor hates us.

It's hot out, legs are a Kimbo. Yeah, I'm wondering if we should do a full whisper episode. Ooh, like a quiet place. Well, I mean, this is Bad News Bears. And I wanna address something with the people, the people at home, even our dear friend Matthew Salacuse, who we saw last night. He's an okay friend. He's of Queens. But people are like you pay rent, who gives a fuck, tell her to shove her ass up the asshole, but

we're in a office building and there are some expectations for behavior. Decorum. You can't just pay rent. It's these same people that are like, I pay taxes, so let me smoke with cigar at the mall. I'm like, what are you talking about? We're in a shared professional space yelling about eating out our sister's asshole. Oh, that was a good ep. And it's, I get it, I get it.

I'm with you. I want to do whatever, we pay money, but I'm like, we're, there was a good app. And it's, I get it, I get it. I'm with you. I get it too. I wanted whatever, we pay money, but I'm like, there's a lady with the door open and we can hear her talking. I know, and she has clients in there, Jerry. Professional people. And look at us, we look like we're going to a swim party. No, we look like fucking Jules and, who's the other one?

Oh yeah, yeah, Vincent. A couple of dorks, yeah, it's Vincent Vega and Jules Oreo. What's his name? When I was done, it didn't look like a fucking Maxipan. Julie, what's his last name? Jules Vincent Vega. Vincent Vega and Jules.

Who's supposed to be the cousin of Vic Vega from Reservoir Dogs. Oh, how about that? Is that Madsen? Toothpick Vic, yeah. I see. And, knocking off Julie. What a bold move, that whole scene.

Dead what? Dead Endward's Dodge? Yeah. He really got that in. He got it in right in front of Sammy L. Well, you know what Sammy L said? They were putting it on him, asking, how do you feel about this move?

This is crazy. And Sam, Chuck's escaping. Film equipment out here? maybe she's filming maybe she's doing porn they're filming in there so maybe a commercial maybe for her law oh yeah come down to Bob's discount furniture the door is closed now right it's all the doors open? The door's closed now, right? Oh, the door's open. What are they making film? What are their sex workers? That would be great.

That'd be cool. Then we're off the hook. We're just talking about sex workers. I can hold a boom mic. Hey, I can fluff. But so Sam Jackson, he said, he's like in all the movies, I'm the smartest guy in the movie. So what do I care?

Good point. He stole the show. And it's his... They steal. It's his truth or whatever, L.A., whatever. I mean, hateful hate, you gotta have the N-word in there. It's the cowboy days. Exactly.

Plus, he always gets shit like, Quentin Tarantino doesn't have the women talk. It's like, he brought Pam Grier back, a black woman, she's the she's the lead kill Bill two of those she's the kick-ass fighter lady yes cool as hell you know and he had a good point he's like well the Margot Robbie didn't talk he's like she's alone the whole movie what's he gonna she gonna talk to her dog is you're gonna do a note to self and her long sequence is the worst part of the film you got that. I wish there was less. Yes, yes. She's watching a movie. We're watching her watch a movie. Come on.

And then what's the other one? Death trap proof. Death proof. That's just a bunch of women kicking the shit out of a guy. That's right. So you can't win. Same with the comments. Yeah. Put that in your pipe and blow me. You got that right, Fanny. Anyways. So, yeah, I I get the mindset of rock and roll, fuck you, we're paying, but we're human beings. We're adults. Yes, exactly. This is an office, there's men with jobs. It's bad.

We're talking about eating our chuthers cum. Right. Well, we're not, but that's a suggestion. Sure, it's on the table. It's on the menu. But anyways, we'll do our best. I'm sure eight minutes from now we'll be screaming. It happens. It comes right out. I can't get into a zone. I'm thinking about this. It's like the, I'm trying to fuck and the phone's ringing. It's bad news bears. And that's funny to think about. That was a long time ago. Yeah. Can you fuck with music? I can. I mean, I guess I can. My wife doesn't like, like anything with lyrics, it's distracting.

The lyrics are tough. My lady loves it, but the problem is she'll go, next. And I'm like, you're talking to me or you're talking to Alexa? Oh, right. Alexa, bringing the new guy. Right. What kind of music are we talking? Well, I try to go with instrumental, but then you got to go, Alexa, you know, you're making out, You go, Alexa, instrumental jazz, light, modern. No, what are we talking like Bill Evans? Are we talking like Dizzy Gillespie? Is it like, is it the Sonny Rollins or is it, uh, you know, yeah, well, Bill, Bill Evans, I don't know, Bill Evans. He's white piano. Bill Evans is good. That's

good. Hanging out music. Uh, Alexa play Bill Evans. What's the guy who did take five? Brubeck, Dave Brubeck. He's, he's a honky as well. He Bill Evans. What's the guy who did Take Five? Bruback, Dave Bruback. He's a honky as well. He's good. We like the white jazz play. Don't you think the white people are the best at jazz and hip hop? There's Everlast. And basketball. Yes. Oh yeah. John Stockton. All time steals and assists. Hey Larry Bird. That was a white fart right there. There, a honky honk. Whew, that stinks. No, we're the best at jazz and rap and basketball.

That's okay. Easily, easily. I'd throw NFL in there and boxing. Tom Brady, yeah, Rocky Marciano, 49-0. Big WAP. Roy Jones Jr. is not 49-0. You got that right. He lost ten fights.

What about that gypsy cunt in London? Oh, the big Russian British guy. British, he's a gypsy. Fury, Fury, Fury, Fury, Tyson Fury. Yes. What a Tyson chicken. He's not Russian at all, is he? No, no, no rush. Has any big white feels Russian?

Yes. The Klitschko's, they're six, five, the twins, and they both have PhDs. How about that? Yeah. And they are menace in the ring. Well, they they're good those Russians. They got their wrestling bears as fetuses and they beat the shit out of them, all that good stuff. They drink vodka in the bottle, they hit their women. I think beer was declared an alcoholic beverage in 2011 in Russia. Wow. How about that for a Snapple dick? No kidding. Mm-hmm. Well anyways, it's good to be here. We'll be a little subdued this week. We'll subdued. We're doing it for the good of the office even though I

have an idea. How about this? Hit me with it. We put a sign on the door. We're sorry. We'll be in and out. You won't see us the rest of the week. That's not bad. It gives a little bit of closure like oh okay this isn't all day, it's not every day. Right, I don't know if that's closure. Yeah, maybe not closure, decent move. No, that's the word. I know the word you're looking for, a little bit of... Grace? Grace!

Maybe grace? A little bit of, well, they'd have to give us the grace. Yeah, slack, leeway? Closure, I feel like, would be like, we're leaving, we apologize, here's a gift card to TGI Fridays so long and good luck or whatever that may be. It gives a little bit of compassion. Oh wait, I almost said it.

Context? That's not bad. Or hope? Hope is hope and change. Hope floats. Hope floats. But I think we have to do that in advance. We should put like Monday morning, we should have Chuck come in here and write, hey, Wednesday from noon to one, we're going to be yelling about, oh, it's locked out. Chuck's locked out. A dream come true. Uh-oh. Oh, phew. All right. What's going on over there?

Give us the, give us the. What do you know? What do you say? What do you like? What do you do? What do you get? Okay, folks, bear with us. I think they're filming a commercial or a promotional video and it's they're going to

hear us like Salino and Barnes. Come on down. You got a DUI. We'll take care of you. Raymore and Flanagan. There's big lighting boxes. there's a lot of gear, they have rolling carts of gear, so they're gonna hear us.

I don't know. I mean, maybe they'll set up for so long that we'll be outta here. Is there a director, is the guy with the hat, and a big megaphone? Yeah, he's right here. Oh, quiet on set. Good documentary.

If we hurry, maybe we'll be done by the time they start. But if they're filming, we're filming, now we're even. They're filming, we're filming. Good point oh good point good point our contents a little darker but yeah been here first what would you do if she was just like come down and suck my dick suck my dick call in hello if I don't get you out of that DUI you can come and eat my pussy till the cows come home oh man or my name's not Molly Ringwald. Ringwald. Some must have Molly Ringworm. Oh never thought about that. You ever have Ringworm? I don't think so. I've had everything. I've had all the other stuff. Every other worm? Yeah I've had a heart worm, tape worm, RFK, and a head

worm. Tape? I just heard about that you see DePaulo's tweet? No. He's like, if I had to guess, it was from a bottle of tequila. Pretty good? Not bad. Tapeworm was the go-to if you ate a lot. When you get a tapeworm, I'd get that a lot. I still get that because I eat a lot of carbs. And then there's going to a worm hole on YouTube or rabbit hole. You can pick your holes.

Rabbit hole, worm hole. Is there another hole? Down that rabbit hole. I think that's the B hole. It's the's the, there's the B hole and the- There's the A hole, A hole, B hole, same hole. That's my old gag. And the dick hole. By the way, I'm still, no, I did this as a bit 25 years ago.

People are still saying I'm ADD. I mean, I don't think I was gonna stop it, but it's weird. It still interests me when people say I'm ADD. Yes. I'm OCD. Right. I am obsessive compulsive disorder. That's a great bit. It's the only thing

I'm just doing bits for my old act, but I'm like, is that interesting? It's the only thing we do that for. That's true I mean what we got we got ATM machine That's a big one people say I am ATM machine Well, no, they just say I'm going to the ATM machine, but it's automated teller machine machine Oh, right, right people they're no good with the abreeves. That's like, there was Bun Young Kim was a pitcher. Ah. And they called him BK Kim.

There you go. But the BK was his initials. It was like Bun Young Kim, Kim. BK Broiler. Well, there you go. Yeah, you see, we're no good. Once you throw letters in, people get all wonky. Yeah, I am OCD

That's no good. It's very odd you have Yes, I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Yeah. Well you what was the bit I am her I am herpes. Yeah, something like that I think that I said some other stuff. It's funny that you just lose bits They just fizzle out people say I'm and I'm like, I don't remember that I know I'm like that's not my bit and people are like it's literally on say them and I'm like, I don't remember that Sometimes I'm like that's not my bit and people like it's literally on your special and I'm like I don't even remember fucking thinking that and you slaved over you had to tinker with it and write it in a coffee shop But 1 a.m. Well, that's what's so fascinating about change. I was saying this to Bobby Kelly the other day We were doing the regs and I bumped into him at Ben's Pizza. She's one of those guys. It's like this

Why you go to Ben's? Why don't you go to John's? I'm like this. I don't know, I like Ben's. He's like, John's is better. I'm like, all right, well I like Ben's and it's here and I'm walking by it, the train's there, Ben's is here, the cell is there. Why are we fighting? There's also straight men and gay men. He likes guys, you like women. There's differences. You have a wife, I have a wife. I think your wife's ugly, you think mine's ugly. And Ben's and John's, I'm like, it's the same fucking pizza. I challenge people to tell me the difference between a Ben's, I want to do a Ben's and John's I'm like it's the same fucking pizza I challenge people to tell me the difference between a bit I want to do a Ben's versus John's like think you can do it you live in that neighborhood I can do it. I like John's better fuck but

My whole life what should we get Domino's or Papa John's? Oh you gotta get Domino's. What are you crazy? I'm like, it's all pie on a piece of bread, I don't give a shit. I mean, you're telling me. No one's more upset about my diet than everybody. I've never heard anyone be as upset about somebody's diet than my diet. I dated a woman one time and she was mad at me. She's like, pizza again?

You need to grow up. And I'm like, what difference does it make? Right. Who cares what I eat? Well, you give me shit about what I eat. When, what do you mean? Well, I get some trail mix for a bus ride. You're like, what the hell? This sucks.

Well I'm having a good time. I'm not mad. I'm going, hey jeez. I'm talking like upset in a relationship. I don't remember this trail mix incident at all. Oh I never forgot it. 2008. I mean that sounds like a long time ago. It was. 14 years. Well trail mix is for homos. I mean what are we doing? What are you... See? There we doing? What are you doing?

There you go. What do you care? What is going on in my body? Voting third party and wearing you know funky socks? What do you have those shoes with just the toes? No soul? I hate the toe shoe. Toe jam. I'm sorry about the trail mix. I don't remember the trail mix but that's a it's a gay that's like that snack's gay. I'm talking like, hey, we're breaking up because you eat too much pizza. Do you eat puss? I love eating puss. Well, that's weird because puss tastes worse than pizza.

Well, one time I told you this, I think. There was a comedian and he was a heavy set fella. And I was at the stand as like a pig and shit eating French fries and mac and cheese. And he was like, carb much? And I just, it's 30 years of people criticizing my eating built up and I went, you're fat. And he was like, Jesus Christ.

But I'm like, I don't get it. I'm like, whoa, look at all the carbs. But I'm like, I'm thin, you're fat. What are you talking about? I remember that moment. I know the guy you're talking about and he is fat. And his whole thing is food. He's like, I'm a food guy.

Here's me pizza. Here's me to Cubano. Here's me to sandwich. So like you're the one. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Cut that part. But yeah, that's his thing. And so you're like, you're going to call out me for eating carbs.

You're a sandwich aficionado. But particularly when someone's just passing through. Right. What do you do with this? Yeah, I hate that. I hate anyone commenting on the meal. You know, they walk by, you go, oh, cheese on that? Weird. Like, fuck you, we're different.

Well, people did that. I remember being at like St. Patrick's Day. There's these people too. It's St. Patrick's Day. We're all at, we'd all go to a Shenanigans, which is a big bar in South Boston. And I was drinking Captain Coke, so that was my drink. And there was people like, you're drinking Captain and Coke on st. Patrick's Day You should have a Guinness, but I'm like, but this is delicious and who gives a fuck who gives a fuck

And why do we have these rules? I'll eat pizza in the morning. I'll eat cereal at night. Also. I'm like We're gonna be drinking for 12 hours if I'm drinking Guinness my fucking assholes gonna explode true. It's like eating black bread Well, I'm Tom doesn just call it steak in a glass. Even though now it's like less calories they point out how little calories Guinness is. Also there's less alcohol which is strange doesn't it feel like the blackness would really get to you. Yeah black is bad. Yes that's the that's our motto. Especially in jazz. Jazz, Palm and Terry. What the fuck were we talking about? Anything?

Well, I got a nugget for you. I love nuggets. All right. Denver nuggets. How about this? Speaking of eating, some good eating there. Went to Chipotle, the best Chipotle in the city, Sixth Avenue and Eighth Street. I forgot about that Chipotle.

We used to go after every single episode. You used to live over there. I bumped into you and I was like, where's there a Chipotle? And I totally forgot. It's like we were talking about, oh, the Bobby Kelly story was what I was gonna tell. But no, I wanna hear the nugget. All right, well, it's quite a nugget,

but yeah, best Chipotle. And I go in, I'm eating mine and my own beeswax, got the headphones in, chomp it away. Got the whole table myself. In walks a, we'll say a thuggy looking guy. Oh boy. You know, he's got the dread hair and the baggy pantalone's and all the stuff you see in a bar, like you can't come in if you're wearing this. You know, the Timberlands and the hat and the whole

thing. Justin Timberland. Yeah, and he's bringing sexy back. So this guy strolls in he goes in towards the line of the Chipotle I see a guy walking after him another guy another guy They grab him what these four guys just grab this dude when they throw him against the wall like this Oh, and I go oh should I step in and then I look badge here hangy badge plain clothes Oh, I love a play jerk off the cop. Daniel plain clothes. I mean we've talked about it before the suit with the gun is my favorite thing. Oh that's a hot look. You show me a man with a suit and a gun

I'm creaming on the floor. Easily these guys were slipping on sour cream because I was jizzing everywhere but it was like hoodie jeans like very very you know normal casual and they got this guy up there, and then one guy's like standing out looking, and these two girls come in in yoga pants to get some guacamole, and they were like, get the fuck out of here, cunt face. And she was like, oh shit, sorry.

So it was cool to see, and then they pat the guy down, pulled out, I'm just eating, I got the front row seat, pills, crack, powder, needles, the whole thing. Oh my God, it's like your suitcase coming home from the road. That's true, yeah. I mean, this guy was all in. Now did he resist? Was he like William H. Macy in Fargo,

or just kind of took it? He was a tough guy. He was just like, fuck you, copper, I don't give a shit. And all the pills came out, and they were, we got them. It was all smooth as ice. And you're like, these are the popo that should be on the TVV. You know, like all you see is a, hey black man, pull out your driver's license. I'm going to stomp on your face. This was like cool guys, blue collar, cracking down.

Wow. Good to hear. And that Chipotle, there's a lot of action there because I went there the other day when I bumped into you and then there's a security guy that there because I went there the other day when I bumped into you and then there's a security guard that works in there. They have a detailed security guy. The Cooke's are out of control. Well, 6th Avenue, it's unbelievable.

That whole block is shut down, every single business, and they just gave it up and it's the West Village. I know, it kills me. I mean, you stay on a McDougal for six seconds, you're gonna get a anally raped by a guy named Boxcar Bill. Yeah, it's not good. In fact, I finally convinced the big guy come to the dark side over at the stand. I saw that.

Yeah. And he's back tonight and I feel bad. I'm doing a disservice to that. I love the seller, but it's Cooke DeVille over there. But he doesn't mind the Cooke's, does he? He seems like he would like a Cooke. He's all contrarian and weird. That's true. That's cook. It's cook Deville over there. He doesn't mind the cooks. Does he he seems like he would like a cool He's all contrarian and weird true. That's true I love a hobo and brings me back to the 40s when I was a boy in Mexico or whatever You're like, all right. Nobody likes the cook Well, there's there's many things that I don't want to get too inside but too crazy But there's many things that people are claiming and they

point to me like I'm this crazy. And then you catch them hating the same things. One example is, Oh, you can't look at comments. Don't look at comments. They act like I'm a maniac for looking at comments. And then 30 minutes later, they're like this, Oh my God, some guy called me a fucking fat piece of shit I'm like this interesting. Yeah, you hear that. Yes. How'd you hear that? That's one thing Everybody's reading all the comments and every one of their posts and the other one is all Joe with the cooks Don't mention the cut. I'm just the only one talking about it, right? Because everyone else 10 minutes later They tell a story. They're like, oh my god

I had a knife pulled on me outside of the barber shop. And like, and you enjoyed it. Exactly. You had a good time with that. Did you? Well, two things on that note, fatty one, Chris D, Chris, to step out from New York city, Queens, New York, never had one incident. He's had three in the past. I don't know. Two months, three, pull a knife, punched out, whatever it was. And he's in a car most of the time. And he's a big, beefy neanderer. Damn straight. But the second thing is, this is true with Ari. You called him out at One Governor's. He has a clip online.

I hate these people who are all over their phone. And he was on, that was brutal that day. Brutal! All day. And you go, well, what is this? And we're all nervous about him, so we all put our phones in our assholes, and he's over there posting TikToks. Yeah, OnlyFansing, whatever it is. Jim Hate, you know.

Great website, OnlyFans. Oh, very exciting. I love it. You see a hot lady now, and there's a 50--50 she's got her clam out on the old Webster. Yeah. Interwebs. Webster's good. All right he's a cute little guy I think he died. Is that right? Oh those those uh what do you call those uh and mini-mes the guys are aged backwards. Little people. I think they die pretty early. You're next BW. You know it's interesting in the 80s we had

Spud Webb and Webster. Spud Webster, that could have been a show, that could have been a buddy cops. Buddy cop, yeah, mini cops. Yeah, it's not bad. Hey folks, this episode is brought to you by our friends over at Sheath Underwear. Let me see what I have. It's a laundry day. I don't have Sheath on right now because it's laundry. They're all in the laundry. They just see what I have. It's a laundry day. I don't have sheath on right now because it's laundry. They're all in the laundry. They just sent me a bunch. I got a package in the mail and I love getting a package in my mouth. Mail. Yes. They're the best. You know sheath underwear. It's all we wear. It's all the comedians wear. If you think comedians are cool, then you want to be cool. You got to get yourself some sheath underwear. Our pal Robert Patton

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no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. You won't regret it, folks. This is the way to do it. What do you think about this? You know, we think about having a kid. I should tell you this but the name what do you think about the name Van? Van? Kind of cool right Van Normand. Oh like Van Morrison. I guess yeah but you don't hear about a van like a one syllable name

Van. That was Van short for something is it Vancouver or van? Vance, but it would just be van. Van. Is it too hip for the room? I don't know. Also, what he's lily can call a minivan. Well, first and foremost, I would advise, I mean, this is good Potter, certainly, but I would advise against running the name by anybody. You got that right.

He didn't mention the name to one single person and that's the advice, because everyone goes, well, I don't know about this. That's true. I don I don't know about that well I knew a guy in college who fucked me in the ass twice on a wednesday yes his name was Peter so whatever right you're right it's it's kind of like when you go hey I broke up with old dick cheese and people go oh I hated that cuz and then two minutes later you're like we're back together and they go she's a a catch. Yeah, she's number one. But I mean, Van, that's something. All right, all right. What other Van? There's Van Morrison, one of my favorite artists

of all time. Van Jones. He's a CNN hot black. But doesn't he have a name before that? No, I think it's Van. Oh yeah, just Van Jones? I thought it was like Peter Van Jones or something. Well, the van is usually in the middle like Dick Van Dyke. Right. Or Jerry Van Dyke. Or Jerry Van Dyke. Or was it in there a Bon Jovi guy? Or... John Bon Jovi.

Oh, that's a Bon Bon. Van... Stevie Van Zant. That's what I'm thinking of. Oh, okay. Stevie Van Zant. Great guitarist, bad actor, ruined the show. Yeah. Not great with the Italian. Vanderbilt, Van... Vanhausen? Oh, isn't that, who's the, oh, Van Wilder. Oh, Van Wilder, see?

Bert Kreischer. That's a van. Isn't that Bert? I guess so, yeah. Yeah. There you go. Alright, I'm just trying to think of something kind of unique, but not, I don't want to name him like Starship or Apple bottom or whatever the fuck these people do. Well van is uh, yeah, it's it's it's something It's a name. But that's like van. I think of van I think of getting the van. That's what I thought

It's pedophilia, but he's the victim. So he'd be a kid named after the vehicle that will ruin his life. Yeah, that's tough it's like naming your kid duct tape or you know cyanide or chlorophyll. Right. Or, yeah, I don't want to go too far with this. Or Diddle. This is Diddle Norman. Vans nice.

So what's going on? Is there movement? Is it happening? Well, I'm blowing loads. But how about this? Now that I know we're trying to, I'm getting a little stage fright. Gun shy, camera shy.

Yeah, did you have that? Well, we went in the lab. My wife is 75 years old. That's right, that's right. I mean, I don't know why I said that because we did try for 17 years. But I mean, I'm always, I've talked about this before, my dick to brain is not synced up.

It takes me a half hour to piss. I can't piss if you're making noise. And so I get distracted. So I always have that. And it would be tough and sometimes you have to pull out and like jerk off and cram it back in. Yeah it's a lot of work it's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure and it's a lot of thinking because you know sex should just be kind of primal and you

should lose yourself a little bit. Right. And this is like whoa this is the biological way to do things. Right. Now how old is this dame? 33. Really, she's that young? Yeah. I had no idea. Oh, you're good. Oh, you think?

Absolutely. I think it's a retarded preg, or what are they called, a dysfunctional preg? High altitude, a high risk. High risk, what? I think it's like a delinquent pregnancy, something like that. Oh no, what's that word? Hold on, I'll think of it.

Dystopian, dysfunctional, dishonest. No, no, stop saying things for a second. Distance-runner. Distance-related. Delinquent. No, no, no, don't say it, don't say it. Alright, we'll see if we can pull it out here. We, no, no. Don't say it. Don't say it. All right. We'll see if we can pull it out here.

We got something. I know it. That's diplomatic. Like Joe Biden is this. Antro. Senile. No, old. It's geriatric.

That's it? Whoa. Toasted down. Yeah. It's a geriatric pregnancy. Sounds like a guy. You know geriatric. But 33 is not that yet.

I think 37 is when... I think from 36 to 37, the pre-pregnancy, the pre-pregnancy, the Yeah, it's a geriatric pregnancy. Sounds like a guy, you know, geriatric. But 33 is not that yet. I think 37 is when I think from 36 to 37, the percentages drop from like a 40 percent chance to a 12 percent chance or something like that. How about that? But 33 is, you know, you got what you really need is like a 15 year old. Those are the most fertile. Fertile. Yeah. Yeah. 15 will be. I mean, that's the the way God intended, I believe. Absolutely.

Right when that egg sprouts, you put a seed on there, and Bob's your uncle. Drop it in, yeah. So well, I'm excited. We could have little cousins. Yeah, well, you're going to be a little role model there. Marty is going to have to, oh, sorry. That's all right.

It's out there. Oh, OK. He's going to have to be teaching him how to skateboard and fly fish and hang glide. Cause he was, well, I mean, my baby's a monster. He's in the 99 percentile of height and weight. Yeah, he'll fucking crush your baby. You got a mongoloid, yeah.

You gotta be careful. Well, that's gonna be a little twink, I'm sure. I mean, this thing is, he's four feet tall if he's a foot. Well, Gomez, you know,, Puerto Rican rattlesnake He's like my kids a bit of a Nancy and I love it and I remember as a kid being or not Yeah, I remember younger being like wow, that's weird You're like the toughest guy on the block and you don't you don't want a tough kid, but he's like no I want my kid to be alive. Well his kid is into musical which he's amazing

He's very talented, but he also is a fucking jujitsu. That's true I've rolled with them and he's amazing, he's very talented, but he also is a fucking jujitsu star. That's true, that's true. I've rolled with him and he's no joke. Really? Although I let him tap me and then every time I see him he's like, remember I choked you out you little bitch? And it's hard cause you're like, you're 10. I know. I'll snap your arm off without even using jujitsu skills.

Yes, you're like a woman. But you know, that's part of being with the little kid. You gotta let him, yeah I know, you tap me, but then your ego starts being like, you think you tapped me, you piece of shit? I know, I know. What do you think, I couldn't beat you up? Exactly, oh God, well, yeah, he's a cute kid,

he came to a Super Bowl party, and you're like, oh, here we go, kids, and he was like, hello, how are you, sir? He was like, well-mannered, I was like, you're a little gentleman. No, he's the best, LJG is one of the great dads I ever met in my whole life There you go. Good father and a hilarious guy taboo funny, dude. Check out the regs

He's got a hilarious running gag going. Oh boy. I can't mention it here. This is a this is a mature show Okay. Well Bobby's not running. I'll tell you that but Anyway, that's what I was gonna say four hours ago. I bumped into Bobby at Ben's Pizzeria, and I had the same thought you thought. I forget what you said. Maybe you think of this. But I saw Bobby and like, I saw Bobby do comedy in 2002, featuring for Dane Cook.

And after the show, he did a meet and greet. I got his sticker. I stuck it on my first notebook, robertkellylive.com, and he's Sexy Bob. How about that how about that it was on my notebook and I was like I saw this comedian Bob Kelly or he was just Robert Kelly at the time and he did all these bits about scaring his wife and piss your pants monster and I thought he blew the fucking room apart oh yeah he's a killer and I was like this is the best comedian I've ever seen besides Dane sure and Gary Gull Wow! And now Gullman and Bobby

are two of my closest friends. I mean Gullman would have drifted apart a little bit but not only just because that's the way life goes. I don't think if you saw him it would come right back. Yeah I text him, I mean I love him, but Bobby I see all the time and it's just fascinating because you're like you forget that there was a moment when I was 20 years old that I was like because you're like you forget that there was a moment when I was 20 years old that I was like Mr. Kelly, I just want to say I was inspired by your performance. Yeah, you see him and you're like shut up. We're not doing that That's crazy time as a motherfucker. I mean look look at Louis Sake, you know you meet that you see this guy and the big screen in 2004 then you you haven't lunch with him Well, that's even crazier. I mean Louis like what are you doing tonight? Can I tag along and you're like? I mean, it's like it's crazy crazy. That one's even crazier. I mean, Louie's like, what are you doing tonight? Can I tag along? And you're like, sure. I mean, it's like, it's crazy. Crazy. That one's even crazier, I guess. But you go back with the motherfucker. Yeah, it's pretty wild. So it's just a funky thing. Not to mention Seinfeld. Seinfeld that I've said all this before, but that's the crazy one. The Sandler Sam is no picnic either. That's crazy. but the Seinfeld one is so crazy because this whole show that we've been doing for 10 years is all Seinfeld.

Our relationship is Seinfeld. Like, oh, you're autistically Seinfeldian? I'm autistically Seinfeldian. It was like the Blind Melon video. Right. Like it shaped our lives. It's dumb fat bumblebees. the blind melon video. Like it shaped our lives. We live in New York and do comedy and all these things. Ultimately it's probably more Larry than Jerry it turns out, but we didn't know that at

the time as kids. And to stand up so you're like this like when I see Sam Morrill he doesn't say like oh you booze you wooze you or whatever the fuck Sandler does. Oh I see. He doesn't say like, oh, you're a boos you will do or whatever the fuck Sandler does. Oh, I see. He doesn't do like the shampoo is better. Yeah. When I see you, I'm like, oh, hey, you know what I mean? We're just so the fact that you're friends with this man. Yeah, it's bananas. It doesn't even it doesn't. I can't even wrap my tits around. I can't either the phone number, the whole thing. I put it in as Jerry fucking Seinfeld, just because I have to remind myself,

this is the guy from when I watched Telling You For The Last Time with my parents sitting on the floor with HBO. Friday night with your parents. I mean, we can't even talk without doing the Seinfeld. There's a hue. And a pinkish hue. But also, as big as Louis was,

and ultimately, I think Louis C.K. as comedian is greater than Jerry Seinfeld as a comedian. Sure. But as big as he was, Jerry was the most popular person in the planet. Iconic mainstream household name, biggest TV show on the planet, the whole country got together to watch the finale,

except for maybe some black people. But yeah yeah it was huge and it changed the game and and you know Larry you know me I know still not none frosted but maybe it's for the best yeah what can you do yeah but yeah now the whole thing's crazy but that's what's great about stand-up is you get to hang out with these these Titans of the industry because I don't think music does that. I don't know if every now and then a young guitar guy will meet Billy Joel and go hang out with him. I don't think it's happening as much as with stand-up there's less buffer between distance.

Thank you. Geriatric. Yeah it's weird to about. And also it's funny because sometimes people tell celebrity stories. You ever see a celebrity? I saw this celebrity. And I just forget the standups. Like I'm like, oh yeah, and then Dave Chappelle. Like to me, I'm like, oh my God, I saw Robert Pattinson because that's great because he's Batman. That's crazy. He was in the same room. But then you just forget like Dave Chappelle is bigger than Robert Pattinson. And he's just at the table. He's just at the table smoking. And Jerry's bigger than both of them I think. Probably yeah well you know it's funny as I speaking of celebs I was walking down 8th Ave and Chelsea looking at a restaurant window

Matt De Broderick eating with a guy. I've hung out with him. That's crazy Ferris Bueller my childhood hero. That's crazy. Ferris Bueller, my childhood hero. It's crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. Broderick's around all the time. He's just out and about. And he's a sad sack of potatoes. He's just, I ran over a kid, whoop-de-doo. It's a real bummer. In Ireland, speaking of potatoes. Oh, they don't have any. And by the way, speaking of potato, let's talk about this set last night from one Maddie wiener. Whoa, that's a funny Idaho spud. That was, that was special. That was lights out. She just, she's been running that, that, that material and adding to it, adding to it and honing it. And it's a, it's a banger. It was like one of those

ones and you get like a little bit it sends a shiver to you're like Oh wait, I got a I got a I went home listening to a set in the cab or lift But the lineup what Louie came over the stand fun classic night at the stand great night. You're on the lineup Louie says what are you doing tonight? I'm going to the stand. You should come by I keep telling them. It's nice over there They got a great meal Unbelievable kitchen and I like they run on time there. Pretty much. Less cooks.

He also moves, so he's closer to the stand. So I said, let's go hang. So he comes out, we're sitting down having a dinner, in walks you, and I didn't even realize you were on the show. Oh yeah. You come in with Salacuse, and speaking of not realizing you're on the show, as soon as you sit down, you had to run back to the cellar. By the way, that was a great line. I was laughing on the way to the cellar from your line because you're like realizing you're on the show, as soon as you sit down, you had to run back to the cellar. By the way, that was a great line.

I was laughing on the way to the cellar from your line because you're like, you're not shooting this. This is Norman. Like you're missing everything. This should be the show. You guys are doing, how do you come up with the bit? This should be the show. Yes.

All the clubs in New York City scrambling, trying to figure out who they're going to put on to kill time for you to get there. Kill Tony. Well, let me just give you a paint by a number here, a context. Me and Sal Guse had dinner at the cellar. We take a bike to the stand. Once I sit down at the stand, I see you, Liz goes, you're on, where the hell are you? I have to go back to the cellar.

Then we come back to the stand. I do a set. Then we walk to the cellar, because we had so much time, we get to the cellar and Harare goes, where are you, you're on at the stand next. So we have to go back to the stand, then we go back to the cellar. It was hell, it was four spots, it felt like nine.

I don't know how you live like this, because if that happened to me one time, I would go, all right, I gotta get a book and a calendar and assist it and a thing, But this is almost nightly. It's fascinating. Nightly, but the nightly news. It's three times a week. Well, I'm juggling the cues.

I see Louie, I get a little for Clem, Maggie Weiner's killed it. I had a lot of plates spinning. But yeah, you like the spinning plates. But so you go, you leave, you come back, which is amazing though, because it took your spot. And it was perfect. Yeah, no, that was perfect. So then the lineup, it went Janine Garofalo, then Louie, then me. Okay. Then Louie, then you. Yep. And then Maddie Weiner. And she had the set of the night. Now, granted, we were fucking around. We were

all trying new. I'm filming web show about new material. But yeah, nevertheless, she killed it. We're watching and it was Louis, me and you. And I feel like in Salacuse and we're all going, this is insane. Yeah. I mean, I think this woman is going to be the biggest star in the world. She's going to be huge. And she's so nice and likeable. She has no ego. I have a show at every every Tuesday. I show up to the show. She's hosting. So she will still take the hosting gig, which most people would if her level of talent would go, I'm not doing that. I'm killing it. Right. I met her when she I think she was like 19 or 20 in Raleigh.

She hosted a weekend, but, and she's always been great and funny, but this was like, we were all like, this is crazy. Yeah. And like, laughing out loud, and then just when you think the bit is over, there's two more lines and angles I've never thought of, so. Yeah, the pause breaks. Go check out Maddie Wiener, get excited. I think she's gonna be a fucking monster. I think she's 24, something crazy. She's young for sure. She's got plenty of time to OD.

So good for you there, Wiener. But that was a special night. It was fun because also, you know, Louis hasn't seen a lot of my new stuff. His stuff is brand new. So then we went in the corner and we're like, what if you said this is funny, that bits this. And I'm like, I've tried that.

What if you try this? Then you come out and you're working on your new bits. And so we bounce the bits and it's just fun. And then Louis was like, I texted him, that bits this, and I'm like, I've tried that. What if you tried this? Then you come out and you're working on your new bits. And so we bounce the bits, and it's just fun. And then Louis was like, I texted him. I was like, that was fun as hell. And he's like, let's do it again tomorrow. So we're going back tonight, and we're going to have dinner and bounce bits.

It's so nice to have him back. I know, I know. And even though he's rusty, as you would be, rusty. Even though he's rusty, you can see the gold in there. You're like, oh, that's the guy. Well, isn't that so cool about stand-up that he's one of the best probably ever? Top five, easy. Top five.

Maybe one, I can make a case. Maybe, yeah. But top five, bad movie. But he's took, what, a year and a half off? Yeah, about a year and a half, almost exactly. It shows that that's how hard standup is. This guy's been doing comedy for 40 plus years. You take a couple months off and you're back to zero. I don't wanna say back to zero, but you know what I mean. It's hard again.

Right. If a trumpet player took a year off, I feel like he could pick up a trumpet and get it back in five minutes. Standup is gonna take weeks. Yes, although I will say this, I think he enjoys, part of his process is really fucking around and being uncomfortable

and making them uncomfortable because I think if he really wanted to, He could turn on the gas. He could go up there and murder. Got it, got it. I think, but I could be wrong. I mean, I don't wanna speak for him because I see Tommy Johnigan,

who I'm always blowing on the show. Killer, lunch. And I think is maybe the be wrong. I mean I don't want to speak for him because I see Tommy John again Who I'm always blowing on the show and he'll is maybe the best meeting in America also He comes out and doesn't do a set for Four weeks or five weeks and he just riffs and I'm like, this is unbelievable and Malay. He's another guy that we talk about We never see him working out material now has material that's killer always always he works it out on the road I guess but yeah, you're right. He could probably do it, but what is it about him versus us? I mean, he's a celebrity. But don't you feel like when I, me or you, maybe just me, and I want to speak for you, but when I'm up there making everybody uncomfortable, figuring it out, they just start talking. They go, oh, this guy sucks. So what are we doing after? What

with him, he's, he's shucking and jiving but they're they're in well maybe that's a me thing he's a huge celebrity it's exciting to see him but I don't know not at the stand they're not like that I feel like they're so attentive there really I don't know maybe I feel like everybody I walk on they go alright who cares maybe I'm in my head but yeah I think you're in your head I think, I think you're gay, I think you're crazy. I need some head. I think they're excited. I would love some head. Chuck, we're looking right at you, big guy. Oh yeah, maybe that lawyer commercial. Whoa, boy. But yeah, yeah, so just cool to have Louie around and good to see him doing the new material. It's a fun night and I miss this. We talk about this. I know we're always running around doing spots so it's nice to have someone just hang and then you're bouncing bits in between. We never bounce bits anymore. It's important. You got to do it. I couldn't crack the code. I sat with you for a minute. We talked and that helped me a ton. Just a little feedback and input

from other people. They can see it from fresh eyes. It's a game changer. It's a lot of fun. And then speaking of Louis, so I did the Fat Black Hour, which is nice because you and I are the go-to guys for these Fat Black Hours. You better believe it, Fanny. Shout out to Liz Furiatti, who's the greatest. I might shoot my next special not at the VU, but still have Liz produce. Do you think she would do that? I think she would be happy to do that. Because she's so good. She's such an ass-kicker.

She's a ball-b ass kicking dick sucking lady. She knows her stuff there. But anyways, so I did the fat black hour last Sunday, whatever day, I don't know what day it was, whatever. I don't know if it was a Tuesday, but I love doing those. I do too. And you know, one Louis CK calls and he goes, what are you doing?

And I go, I'm doing the fat plaque. You want some of my time? Wow. Cause I'm doing all, you know, you get the hour cooking and it's cooking and then you always have some new working, but you're like, I just got off the road. I just did six shows. And sometimes you come home on a Monday

or you come home on a Sunday, you go out on Monday and you're like, I just did all these jokes and they worked yeah and I haven't written that much news so you're like take some of the time sure they'll be thrilled to see you so I had Derek Drescher emceeing and I and Louie goes I'm gonna come by and do some time I said great you can do as much time as you want wow don't go crazy and then well it was also nice because he's like but you gotta go last he's like I don't have any bits. So now I got Louis CK featuring for me. That's insane. Again.

Ooh, that was a peach. That was a rocker. Man, that was like an old floorboard. That was an Insta-stick. So here comes Louis, which is also exciting because Derek Drescher, who's also hilarious. I'm like, I think Louis is coming by and he's excited. Of course. He's a young whippersnapper. He loves comedy. By young, I mean comedy young.

Yes. Older than I am, I think. He's been to jail nine times. I think like 30 times. Ah! He's been to jail. But I got a bite back here. It's killing me. I noticed the rub. It's bite season. Yes. I hate a bite. Yeah, yeah. Take a bite out of crime. That was fun. McGruff. Yeah, yeah, take a bite out of crime. That was fun. Ah, McGruff. Yeah, Irish. Irish dog, apparently.

But anyway, so he comes over and I go, yeah, Louie's gonna come by, he's excited. I'm like, you're probably doing four minutes because I gotta give him some time. And then Louie comes over with Steven Wright. What? You didn't tell me that. Steven Wright, well, we got a podcast. I was saving it.

Whoa. So Steven Wright walks in. He won an Academy Award. I mean, he's one of the greatest comics of all time. Two of the greatest. One of the best joke writers in history. Now you got three Boston legend and Derek Drescher. And Steven Wright, Louis goes, have you guys ever met?

And we met briefly in Nantucket, the film festival, at the Comedy Festival. And I said, you watched my Sarah. You were very, my Sarah, my wife Sarah, you were very complimentary. And he said, oh yeah, kind of a petite blonde woman. Deadpan, dark jokes. And I was like, yeah.

And he's like, oh, she's amazing. Tell her I said hi. He remembered her. This was like five years ago. Wow, he's got a brain like a trap. I mean, Stephen Wright is a fan of Sarah Tallema. That is bonkos. Super bonkos.

And then we were watching the Celtics game, which was fun. I offered him to do time, of course, out of respect. He didn't want to do time. He wanted to watch the Celtics, which is also endearing. I'm like, you're like me. Bearded? Big beard, crazy hair, leather jacket, quiet, funny. And you know.

I feel kind of hyper. I told you. It's a small world, but I wouldn't, funny, and you know. I feel kinda hyper. I told you, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Yes! I love the one where he goes, I'm getting off the plane, I forgot to take my seat belt up, so I'm dragging the plane through the terminal. The king! I lost my socks, so I called information, they're behind the couch. I mean, open 24 hours, I went in, there was a big size of clothes, and they, well, not in a row. Oh man. How about my friends, a radio announcer. We were

driving under a bridge the other day. I couldn't understand him. He's brilliant, brilliant guy. I went to my apartment, I pulled the wrong key out. I opened the door with a car key. The whole building started up. That's a great one. He goes, I was born in the caesarian section. You can't really tell except when I leave a building, I go out through the window. I lost a button hole. He's one of the greats obviously. And how about the last one? I was hitchhiking. I got picked up by one of those trucks with all the cars on it. He went over the speed limit. we all got tickets. Ah, come on. He's great. Anyways, so Derek goes up, he killed, I mean, killed,

and then he brought up Louis, Louis killed, he's doing all this weird shit. I went to one of the best shows of my, like literally one of the best shows of my whole life. And I gotta tell you, it's hard to pull off, but if you can get Louis CK to feature for you, it's quite a thrill. It's a great opener because everyone's pumped.

They've seen the best comic of all time. They've seen their celebrities. So they have a story. The night is a victory. And then, you know, he's doing brand new stuff. So he's not that strong yet. And then he gives you the intro. He goes, this is the best comedian of all time, whatever. And they're going, well, Jesus, this guy must be half of them are fans anyways. But then you come out and they're like, so we just saw Derek Drescher, this young guy, we don't know. He killed. We saw our favorite comedian ever just do new shit killed. Yep. Now here comes this guy and we're in the best moods of our lives. And it was literally the best crowd I've ever performed. Really? Top five best shows of my whole life. Maybe this p.m. nonsense is the way to go it's

pretty fucking good Wow yeah they're not tired they're not shit-faced and they're there cuz they want to be there if you're at a show at 5 o'clock you were you weren't barked in right I'm doing on Father's Day Father's Day first Father's Day be home by 730 I can't't wait. Wow, that's great. Steven Wright's hanging out. I had no idea. Boy, that's a nugget you saved in your ass. Steven Wright, and he loves my wife.

Wow, how about that? Well, maybe they'll shack up. I mean, it's one of those things, your career is tough, you have ups and downs, and you wish you could have that, you wish you could do that, and then you're like, Stephen right is a fan of mine That's wild. I it's unbelievable. It's really something cool something special to cherish

Cherish it Anyways, I got nothing else cherish pie. How about this? How about this for a fun happy ending? You know me what do I hate I hate losing stuff Hey losing it just drives me crazy. I hate myself, I feel sad, I want to replay everything. I go, what if I could go back in time? If I could turn back time, I'd give it all to you. We're very similar. I have a thing, and Sarah's always blown away by this, because when I lose, I very rarely lose, I'm not a guy that loses.

Yes. I'm a very, whatever. Dialed in? I'm very rarely loose. I'm not a guy that loses things. I'm a very, whatever. Dialed in? Dialed in. Astute? I've never lost my keys or my phone or my wallet, my life. But when I lose that, I take it as a personal,

I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. I think we're very similar. Same, it's a blow to the psyche. I'm like, oh, I suck. It validates every thought I have. Cause you feel dumb, you just walked away from something. You know, you feel like an idiot. And it's just sitting there going, Mark!

Yes, yes, exactly. I love your pants pocket. The pants pocket, the pee pee. So I do a couple gigs. We do Detroit, we drive to Fort Wayne, we do a gig there. Great gig, by the way, Fort Wayne. Love those audiences, whatever. Fort Nat Wayne.

Go out, get drunk after the show as you do. Wake up. It's Fort Wayne, so you got to connect. You're not getting around it. It's a small airport, two gates, three gates, whatever it is, Bill Gates. And I'm hungover, it's early. Hanging out at the airport. I got the, you know, you walk right through. It's one of those two seconds. Love that. Yeah yeah But I got there too early, so now. I'm just kind of circling the airport hung over. Just there's no lounge What do you do so I go well while I got this time to kill I might as well make use of it Let me charge my phone. Let me charge my air pods make sense you got the Outlets everywhere they're all in the seats whatever so I got a got a pod going, so I go, let me charge my AirPod case.

Got two flights here, I wanna have my music, wanna have my pods, my phones. Me too, have it. So, walking around and a guy goes, are you Mark Norman? And I go, oh yeah, yeah. He goes, it's all pipes, two's gay. I go, hey, here we go.

Get the photo, we're chit chatting, I'm hungover, I look like hell. You know when you see the photo, you're like, ah, you. I'm hungover. I look like hell. You know when you see the photo you're like You putting that one out. That's that's my whole life. Yeah, so Chat with him and then they go Connecting Chicago Boarding whatever choo-choo and I go. Oh shit. Okay, so I run to get the line cuz you know you want to get your bag up there and

Sitting on the plane got got the air puff, fall asleep, whatever, connect in Chicago. And I go, better put my phones in the case here. I got to get my head, my wits about me. Left the case, with the charging. Now here's, I just, ah! And then you check your Air Bud battery. Because you're like, can I make it home?

Well you have the buds at least. I have the buds. That's at least. I have the buds. That's a plus. I have the buds, Bud Bundy. But you know, you check your phone, you check your case because you want to know your pods, you want to know how much juice you got left, because can I make it all the way to LaGuardia?

I've got enough. I get there, but now I left the charger too. So now you got to stop using the phone, because you don't want to blow that out. Oh, this gives me like mental aids. Also you got to get an uber when you land. Right. You gotta have the phone. Gotta have the juice. The juice is loose. Well he's dead now. Absolutely. So I land in LaGuardia. I got the boop-boop-boop-boop-bo. Oh, that noise gives me that noise and the alarm clock from our childhood that boop boop boop.

The worst that in the beginning of married with children because it felt like Sunday night. Oh, Sunday scary. Yes. Or the wonder years was married with children Sunday. I feel like it was Sunday. Might have been. Maybe I think of wonder years.

Marriage boom. Yeah. They hit you with that slime on there for some reason. Yeah. Yeah, that was an odd show. It sure was. Let's rock. But so I get to LaGuardia or JFK, wherever I am, I go to the lounge and I go, look,

I hate myself. I'm on red here. Do you have a charger? And the lady goes, I have a charger, but you got to bring it back. I go, I'll bring it back. I give her my ID. I go, look, I'm this guy. Give her the ID. So then I go eat. I let the phone charge. Great feeling. You're

getting that brrrr, but I'm off the headphone. Those are done. So I'm living in the world. It sucks. Absolutely. Yeah. So I get about 40%. I go, thank you. Get the ID back. Get an Uber home, and I go, let me just go for it. I Google Fort Wayne Airport, phone number, small airport. Absolutely. So I go, beep, boop, boop, boop. Ring, ring. The Fort Wayne Airport is ringing.

It's ringing, it's a landline. I picture a little blue phone, and it's shaking as it rings. Yes, yes, and a woman goes, hello. And I go, hey, crazy question, left my AirPods. And she goes, can you describe them? Well, it's a white case with a charger. Charger's also white.

What brand? Apple. Oh. Raycon. Oh yeah, Raycon. Are the pods in there? No, I got the pods with me. Alright, it must be yours then. She was adorable and I had to really, you know, clarify it. And she goes, alright, give me your address, we'll send them right out. What?

They came in the mail today. Oh my god! It's a small airport, Jerry. There's no huff, no muff. We've got to move to Indiana. This is where we should be. Exactly. French Lick, Fort Wayne, the other one. Fort Sumter, Colonel Mustard, you name it. Let's get out to Indiana. It's enough already with the hustle and the bustle and the coasts and the showbiz.

Never sleep. I wanna sleep. Let's go to Indiana. I mean, birthplace of the Ku Klux Klan. The Pacers are in the conference finals. Yeah, Hoosier, whatever that is. Yeah, the Hoosiers. I mean, birthplace of the Ku Klux Klan. Yes. The Paces are in the conference finals. Yeah, Hoosier, whatever that is. Yeah, the Hoosiers. I think of Michael Jackson's from there.

Gene Hackman. Oh. That's weird that he's from Indiana. Isn't that weird? Is he? The Jacksons. No, the Jacksons. Oh, the Jacksons.

Yeah, Gary. That's the black area. Right. That's the other town I was thinking of. Gary Shadling. So yeah, they came in the mail today. Easy as pie. It's like the 50s. You forget, you forget like oh we live in a town with nine

Drillion people no wonder you can't get anything done. Imagine if I called JFK they'd shoot me in the dick No, he's dead, too. That's true Boy that poor family. Oh Man now they all they all hate RFK jr. Well, that makes sense. They turned on his fucking gargly mouth ass. But I mean, I feel bad for Ted Kennedy. I mean, he's dead now. But I mean, this poor guy. I mean, one brother is all crippled,

and the other one dies. And the other one gets shot, and the other one gets shot. I mean, both brothers shot in the face. That's his brother? Yeah, Bobby and John. Wow. How about that? I thought he was a cousin.

Two brothers shot in the face and then one day you're out driving trying to fuck some young girl that works for you. Sure. You drive into the lake, she drowns and then you run and try to get away with it and then you don't get away with it. That's tough. Old buckethead Ted. I mean that guy had a noggin on him. You ever see that thing?

Well the Irish have the biggest heads in the business. You got that right. Quinn, Soder, the other guy. Sagalow. I mean I don't have a small head over here. It's not tiny. You're about to have. You think so? Because people used to tell me I have a big head. Nah, nah. That's an average head. I'll take it. I appreciate that. We're talking forehead. That's a different conversation. That's a good point, yeah. But yeah, the big tanker of those guys. It's like Easter Island.

Yeah, the Kennedy... I mean, Quinn's head is... Ooh, it's a lug. It's a block. It's wild. There's a lot of brain. That's the smartest person I've ever met in my whole life. That's a good point. How about that special? I haven't seen it yet. I feel like a horrible friend. Ooh, it's a humdinger and he shot it at a corporate. That's crazy. He's still killed. That's great I watched Rachel special this morning. Oh, I gotta get on that. She looks unbelievable and she's hilarious as always She's a hot Jewess

What's Jewish a female Jew? Jewish like a duchess or a mistress. Oh, what's a what's a Jew male? Jew male Jew face you porn. Don Gianni. But yeah, she's great. Check out. And then Keith Robinson's, I think his might be out by the time this episode. Holy shit, this episode, it's June? The fuck's going on here? We got the live one. I think Keith is dead by the time this comes out. Oh, the live one. Yeah, well his comes out the 11th. I looked it up. June?

Yes. Oh, I thought it was May something. I'm retarded. Juneteenth. But I can't wait for that. So many specials coming. Matt Wayne special, Sarah Talamash special. Ronan, I believe.

Oh yeah, Ronan's got one in the can. May's got one in the can. Sam, Sam, Samsonite, Morrill, Samurai Oh, he shot his embossed. That's right. I was there. The Wilba. That's right. I can't wait for that. That thing. That set design. Forget about it. Really? Oh, I never saw the photo. Oh, it's unbelievable. And he put a he put a suit on that puppy. Absolutely. That's interesting. He's a good guy. He's a good looking tall cup of matzo ball.

Absolutely. But yeah, so a lot of specials cook. I mean, what a time to be alive comedically. It's like we got a David Tell special. We got a new Quinn. Everybody's doing arenas. Kel Tony's the biggest show. Shane Gillis is like fucking Elvis.

He's huge. It's crazy. You know what's crazy? I was thinking if we had him on the pod, it would get more views than I bet if we had Seinfeld. Yeah, probably. I don't know about that. Well, first of all, Seinfeld just did the gamut. He did. But also I think the Seinfeld fans aren't as young as the Gill nets and they like pods more. They know how to get to a pod. Maybe some old kook doesn't know how to do a pod cart.

That's a good point. Yeah. And I just listened to Jerry on seven different podcasts. Same. I mean, I did a lot of Jerry-ness. I'm pooped. I'm Jerry pooped also. I'm Jerry rigged. Jerry Mandered. Bill Burrow on Bill Maher. That was hilarious. Woo! He didn't let up.

Bobby boom mics. I mean that had me on the floor laughing. That really did the round. The internet really. Well they hate Maher. People hate Bill Maher. Well he's a smug bag of cheese but he was on the view and he cleaned up. Oh is that right? And that's a tough spot. I mean if you got a dick and cock you are ruined in that panel. Yeah they're horrible people it seems. They really are. Well that's Sonny Hostin's a fucking coos and a half. Who's Sonny Hostin? She's like the hot pretty lady on there and she's always her thing is like, I'm going to zing you and neg you and Rizia. Oh, I haven't seen it since 1988. It's not a good show. And it's all politics now. You should be like, here's how you cook a muffin and here's how you deal with the sunburn. So who's on the view now? Is it Whoopi Goldberg?

Sunny lady. Liz Hassellbeck's not on anymore. And there's a conservative who's very attractive and then there's a blonde who's attractive and then Barbara Walters died. Give it a go there. Is that Elizabeth Hassellbeckbeck, formerly Elizabeth Hasselhoff. Whatever. She's from season two of Survivor. That's the one year I watched Survivor. What? Why would she be on the show? But I don't think she's been on the show for a long time. Why is she?

She's like one of the hottest women ever, I thought. Oh, she's a good looking blonde, if we're thinking of the same product. That's why it might be the same person. I was gonna say, she became a talk show host. From Survivor? Yes, her name is Liz Hasselbeck. She married Matt Hasselbeck. Yeah, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Yes. Okay. Is she, she became a talk show host? From Survivor? Yes, her name is Liz Hasselbeck, she married Matt Hasselbeck.

Yeah, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Yes. Okay. Is she on? It has American TV personality and talk show host as her. But pull up current host of The View. Oh, current host of The View. Is Joy Behar on there? Joy Behar's on there.

Oh, she is, okay. She's the Jew token lady. Yeah, yeah. She's done multiple things, but it says notably on the daytime talk show The View. So it's her, Joy Behar, Sonny Rollins, and Whoopi Goldberg. Sonny, sign up. And there's a brunette on there who's attractive. She's the conservative one. It has six people listed. Want me to read them? Six hosts? It says it says it says host.

Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sonny Hostin. That's it. Sarah Haynes. That's the other one. The brunette. Alyssa Farragh Griffin. I don't know who that is. And Anna Navarro. What? Oh, I know Anna Navarro. She's from CNN. She's annoying as fuck. Anna Navarro. What? Oh, I know Anna Navarro. She's from CNN. She's annoying as fuck. Well, it's quite a panel of

a kooz's, yentas and bag brats. And then there's like an alternative to view with Sharon Osborne. The talk. That's right. Or the chew or something. The chew. The talk was Jim Henson. No, he didn't talk. That was puppet. That was talk soup became the talk. Oh, I'm thinking of John Henson. John Henson. I'm thinking of John H talk. That was puppet. That was talk soup. It came to talk. Oh, I'm thinking of John Hanson. John Hanson. I'm thinking of John. Yes. Yes. He had the soul patch in his temple. Jim Henson I think had what Bobby Kennedy has. His head fucking fell apart.

Really? Yeah. He had like waterhead. He died. Whoa. That's how he died. Like abruptly. He was like 48 or something. His head just squished in together and died. Talent. That guy. Oh, he's one of the greats. One of the greats. He had his hand up. He was like 48 or something. His head just squished in together and died. He's a talent, that guy. Oh, he's one of the greats. One of the greats. He had his hand up. He was felt, felt up. Then there was Drew Hanson, the quarterback, who was quarterback ahead of Tom Brady at Michigan.

Okay. Then there was Hanson, the band. Oh yeah. And I went to Wippen Hanson High School. Oombop, really? Yeah. Oh, who's Hanson? That's a different town.

It's a regional high school. It was Wippen and Hanson. We're two small towns, really? Yeah. Oh, who's Hanson? That's a different town. It's a regional high school. It was Whitman and Hanson. We're two small towns, so we converged. Rivalry? No, because we were the same. I see. We teamed up, but it was like Whitman was like poorer and shittier and white trashier.

They were like, they had like farmy type of houses, nicer houses. So that was like, fuck these kids. Interesting. But then I befriended all of them and I was like, I like the Hanson people better. There you go. Not better, but you know what I mean? Yeah, it's all pipes Well when you're a kid everything just seems you're like, oh my god, you guys have two floors. Oh, tell me about it uh, daddy, so

Anyways, this is a wacky episode. We started off whispering. There was no stories. Well, either way I can't wait to see the lawyer commercial. Yeah, that's gonna be fun You're probably gonna hear us in the background. Oh, that's right He's gonna hear what rockin come choose for All right, June 3rd, okay this weekend I'm in Salt Lake City at Wise guys wise guys with Luke bonus first place we ever worked together. I'm very excited. Hey, back in black. We're back in Salt Lake City,

and then the weekend after that, I'm at Mohegan Sun Comics Roadhouse. Please come, that's a tough, rough room. I'll be in that poker room all day. Matt Wayne's doing that with me. Key West, the weekend after that, Big June. Hell yeah. July, I'm in Atlanta at the Punchline.

And somewhere else, I don't know. July, I'm in Atlanta at the Punchline. I'm a June. Somewhere else, I don't know. Oh, Portland, Maine. First show sold out, we added a second show. Get tickets to that. Ooh, Nellie. And that's like a Monday night, July 1st. Feels good to sell it on Monday.

It does. And I'm gonna take my reflex pill. I got indigestion over here. I go to Punch Up Live. Sign up for my email list so you know when I'm coming to town so you're not one of those assholes. And YouTube, I got a ton of stuff on YouTube. I keep posting on there. Punch Up.

Make sure you're on Punch Up and YouTube. Yeah, I'll be all over the place. Philly, Pittsburgh, Spokane, Boston, New Haven, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, all kinds of crazy dates. Come on by. I want to add Seattle. At the Crocodile, July 25th, one night only, a Thursday night. There you go. Crocodile, crocodile.

Yeah. So yeah, punchup.live slash mark norman slash joe list. We got all kinds of shit on YouTube. Check us out. Chuck put up the old clips and old videos, so that'll be available soon. And yeah, get a bottle of Bodega Cat. What do you got there? See note.

Just to expand on that, yeah, the OG Tuesdays episode, they go up every Wednesday on the Patreon. We've discovered the old archive of old stand-up labs recordings on the video side of it. Wow. Cool. Just now we hit episode 100, like in the past couple weeks at the time of this airing, and so now we're going to be putting up a video every week. Hey. Old videos from you guys from like nine years ago.

Hell yeah. That's crazy. There's a bunch of guests too. It's like at the end you'll be like, oh look, it's Goldman, he came in, and all these different people are like part of it. Wow. That's amazing. Yeah, it's really cool. So that'll be on the patreon patreon.com slash Tuesdays every Wednesday And yet check out my podcast fun bearable

Marks parts are on here and there yeah And I think young blood's gonna be on pretty and I think Youngblood's gonna be on pretty soon. Hey! There you go. We're gonna be filming with him, so... Oh, yeah, he regrets taking that gig. Does he? Well, he lost money already on the flight. Yeah, it's an interesting situation.

Yeah, what can you do? Doug Key's a grassroots queen. The feature is FunBurbleBot.com. Thank you, folks. See you in hell, praise Allah.