Tuesdays with Stories! - #558 Cotton Eyed Joe

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

We're BACK in the studio and we got it ALL this week! Ewoks, Mark tries to avoid being sexually harassed, Joe's son takes up swimming, and the boys reminisce about some harmless elderly lovemaking. It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self. - Support the show and get 15% off your Raycon order and free shipping. Go to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS  - Mystery Gift with your first monthly shipment when you sign up with code TUESDAYS at https://bespokepost.com/tuesdays  - Head to https://www.tryfum.com/TUESDAYS and use the code TUESDAYS for a free gift with your order of a Journey Pack.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me! And I can't choose what I like! There we go! We're live! We're back! Hey, there we are, shelfish! We started, we started! That's it, start me up! And you never stop. We're in here late.

So the the whore next door can't hear us. You can't call her a whore. She's long gone. It's five o'clock quitting time. I don't think she's a whore. I think she's a nice, nice lady. And God, I pray she left. Yeah, well, she's got to be gone.

And she's quitting soon, I'm sure. She made a commercial over there. And that was the last of it, I think. Don't you want to just eat a woman out from under the desk? Is that porn? Is that a porn? Yeah, that's big. Really? Oh, that's in there. I got to get in there and give that a swift Google because I always want to have my little

new bound sneakers sticking out the backside and her heels shaking. Oh, yeah. And I'm just eating out. The skirt is h shaking. Oh, yeah. Eating out. You know, the skirt is hiked. Oh, I love a hike. You got to hike the skirt. Take a hike. Hitchhike. Yes.

Hutchhike. That lady's a hike. Hike, hike, baby. Hike. Hikoo? That's down the hall. OK, OK, OK. That's the old man that's snoring.oring hike Eisenhower. Wait, what's the

guy's name? I Eisenhower Dwight D Dwight D. Who's Ike Ike was Eisenhower. Oh, it is a lot Mike. We like Ike. How do you get Ike? How do you get Ike out of Dwight? I think Ike is short for Dwight. Maybe it's kind of like when they do the will on Dick. Oh yeah. Dick is William. No Dick is Richard. Yes. Richard becomes Dick, which doesn't make sense. William becomes Bill. How does that? Yes. Yes. Or how about Jack Kennedy was JFK. Yeah. I called him Jack. John is Jack. Jack is John. Jack. John left is right. Yeah. Yeah, day is night. And black is. There's other ones like this, night. White. Day, white.

Thank you, Jack White. Well, there's Jerome is Jerry, that makes sense. That, you got the Jare in there. Yeah, the Jare. Charles Chuck. What the fuck is Charles Chuck? Well, yeah, that's no good either. There's Chaz.

Chaz. That's also Charles. By the way,az. Chaz. That's also Charles. By the way, Van Morrison is Ivan. Van, is it? Yes, his first name is like Roger, Henry or Hugh. His middle name is Ivan, and he just dropped the first name and the first letter of the second name.

Wow, you know, if Apple made a van, it'd be an Ivan. Ivan. Like iPad. Or iPod. That's also interesting because there's Ivan the Great or whatever. Ivan, who are some famous Ivans? That's an Ivan the Terrible. Ivan the Terrible. But there's also then there's Yvonne Rodriguez. Same spelling. Oh, there's Yvonne, which is a woman's name. Yes, but I knew an Yvonne. It was spelled Y-V-O-N-N-E. Yvonne. Yvonne Yvonne like Igor lot of wacky

names of that then the Sean Figgins was a baseball player but his name was show us CH O N E his mom spelled it Sean Oh wow I guess she didn't know how to spell it Oh those Irish names are wacky what's what's that lady's name in Ireland it's a big one. Slow Chee? Slow Cheese? Not Sloan. What's the name? Shabon. Shabon.

Oh, Shabon! It's a B in there. S-I-O-B-H-A-N. It's like some Gaelic horse shit. Bobby A. Bear. It's Herbert. Well, names are funny. That's the thing about names. I'll just say that. You got that right. Well every new comedian has a name joke. Have you noticed that? They all go, hey my name's Clark. You don't beat a lot of black guys named Clark. Yeah there's a few name jokes that I can't get into here but I think they stick. I mean some are great I'm sure. What's the

best name joke? I don't care for any of them. I bet there's are great, I'm sure. What's the best name joke? I don't care for any of them. I bet there's a good one. Let's see if we can think of one. My dad's an alcoholic. He's a Clark bar. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that somebody's?

No, I just put that together, but they're all bad. Yeah, there's a few that I hate, but what are you gonna do? What's in a name? I'll tell you, that joke that me. What's the Gary Veeder new special on YouTube? Yes. Check it out. Uh, the worst of it could, it could be worse. Could be worse, but he had a joke about his kid just says dad, dad. He calls everything

dad. The lamp is dad. The tables dad. I'm dad. So I said, who's your favorite comedian? He said, Sebastian Maniscalco. Great joke. That's a good joke. And it was funny because I texted Peter, I was like, that one got me. And he's like, well, I know you made it two minutes in. That's the second joke of the whole special.

Yeah, you can't do that. I've done that with the way you share it, you put the story up on Instagram. You go, here, look at me watching. And it says like presenting your second in. Well, I had this last night because I watched Tires, the television program. Very funny. Shane is funny every second of the show. He's the star. He steals it. He really does. And so I watched an episode and then I was watching episode two and my pal who's in episode five. Oh, she's she. I love Boop. She texts and goes, Hey, have you watched me? Have you won the suit yet? Have you seen me in the show? Yeah. And I say, well, what episode? Let me

just pop that right on. Because I don't think I need to watch the whole arc of the show. Still the tire shop. So I pop over to five. I watch that fantastic job by everybody involved. Sure. Stavros Stavros killed it. Stavros is in there. McCusker's in there. Schultz. Who's the other one? He's from Philly. Tim Butterly.

Oh, Butterly. That episode. And Karen, of course. And then I see Francis Ellis last night at the stand. Yeah, big star. And I said, I haven last night at the stand. Yeah, big star. And I said, I haven't seen your episode yet. And he goes, what do you mean? You haven't seen it. I was like, I was there for two. I go, I watched a few of them. I haven't seen yours.

He's like, I go, what what episode are you in? He goes, two. I was like, God, but I skipped around. I skipped to the Feehan. Yeah. And I saw these all in that all over that fucker. It might be too much stuff. Too much. You can't get too much. He can get too much. He could use it. He could use those treadmill.

But he kills it. He's so good at that role. He's nailing it. He's awesome. And the show is it's fun because it's just it's a sitcom. But your friends are in it. Oh, yeah. And Schultz was great and Tommy Pope was great Pope's good is great I guess they're recurring yes I've only seen two and a half episodes you know as good as the old guy the bald guy with the glasses who's the racist I haven't seen that guy he's in two I got I started to I'd like four minutes into two but I skipped five and then I watched six man who goes to New Hope to Return of the Jedi? You got to see Empire.

Well, if you got your buddy in Return of the Jedi and they're in the the bathing suit in front of the job of the hut. Yeah, that's a good, good bathing suit. You know, fun fact, they never say the word Ewok in the movie. Is that right? They never said it's in the credits. So the nerds go, what the hell do you call those cute little Nazis? And then you see the credits. Ewok. But they had a later, um, what do you call it? Sequel? Yeah. Like a made for TV called return to the Ewoks or revenge of the Ewoks. And that was like one of my favorite movies

as a kid. It was all Ewok. And then you get to become an adult and you realize the Ewoks are retarded. Everybody hates the Ewoks and they're stupid become an adult you realize the Ewoks are retired and everybody hates the Ewoks They're stupid. Well, who hates the Ewoks? I think most adult people are like this is horrible and you watch it They're little cute teddy bears that are taking down The Empire you're a hate with rocks and shit. Yeah, they're they're al-qaeda They're just like they're like stepping on logs. They're like That's right, and then they're just like hitting them with like stepping on logs and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa! That's right. And then they're just like hitting them with like little stone.

It doesn't make any sense. They sound like a Middle Eastern like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, like the weird accent and everything. And then they had that big celebration at the end. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, nub, nub. Yes! They were saying nub, nub. They were saying Muhammad.

Allah. Scoopa doopa do, nub, nub. Oh yeah. Great Tom Shalhou joke. Did I say that joke on the episode recently? Never heard a Shalhou joke. He's got some great stuff. He's he had a joke years and years and years ago. He was watching the the Afghan war and maybe he was watching Star Wars. I can't remember which one, but he was like watching Star Wars He's like this reminds me of the footage of the Afghan War

Like where the Empire and we're fighting all these this rag tag group of guys Oh, yeah, and women and he goes, but it didn't make me change my opinion of the war Just made me change my opinion of the movie. Oh, that's fun. He's like fuck the fucking rebels bunch of assholes Yeah, it's good. They're all orderly, they got the nice spaceship. True. Who are these assholes with, they're not even banding together, whatever the fuck. It was a funny bit. That's a funny bit. Yeah, it's funny. It's the opposite take kind of bit.

But they got the Emperor over there. He's pure evil. Yeah, but I think that's funny. The other side of the Emperor. He's Bush. He was Bush. I see. Bush v. Gore. Bush League. And then there's Vader. Yes

That was one of my first jokes, you know my Vader joke now, please Well, Jamie Darth Vader is played by James Earl Jones Luke and then the last at the end of the third movie They take his mask off and it's just an old white guy with no shaved head. Yeah I thought it should have been James Earl Jones That would be the ultimate plot twist the whole time Luke Skywalker's dad is a fat black guy with a deep voice. Hey, I like that. That was my bet. That's a good bet. That would have twisted the movie. I think it would have hurt the ratings. When you're 19 and

you're like, I got one, I got a bet. Yes, yes. That's big. When you're a year and a half in, you're like, this is hot. Yeah. Well, you know, what's wacky is that this is what's great about New York City is I saw a comic last night He killed I mean he must have been a year in and he had great stuff and it makes you go This is better than anything I have and he's a year in I gotta get back to it. Yeah I got eight minutes on farting this guy's got these great takes about this and that and the world and you know Politics and shit and it's all gold and you can tell you really worked it out and wrote it and had these great ideas that I'm

sitting here going Jews are ugly or whatever well hopefully ODs are kills themselves that would be nice get them out of the way that way I don't have to improve what's the kids name can you say nah I can't remember it yeah what can you do did you tell him at least I did a great job I said good keep keep doing those drugs. Hopefully a low D. Well, I had this one where we saw a young comic that we were blown away by. We talked about in the show.

Yeah. And then I did the thing where I was like, I'm going to reach out to some people. And then I reached out to the booker of a TV show and he's like, yeah, of course. I know who she is. I'm like, all right. Well, wow. And then I text. I go, hey, you got an agent. We got to get you an agent. And she was a better agent than I have. And I'm like, all right. Well, I'm just a fucking moron.

And I jumped into the pool shallow end head first. But you did it. At least you reached out. Most people go, ah, I'm going to set the world on fire with your name attached to my dick. And then you never do anything. Yeah, you try to help. But sometimes, Sarah and I always have this, too.

You'll meet a comic on the road somewhere. And you're like, I might move to New York. And you're like, well, the thing you want to do is this, this, and this. Because that's the best way to do it. And then they message you and say, great to meet you. And you look and they have 948,000 followers on Instagram, and they're half a millionaire. Oh, that was a humdinger. That was lunch. Well, I think the move is, do it on here.

We gave her a shout out. I remember my first time I did Rogan. I wrote down like five names. I made sure to say, oh, like up and coming guys like, Oh, I toured with and it was great. And you know, now they're out there, right? You know, it's great. You know, a show is big when you say a person's name and they clip it. Yes. You know, you say a comic. I think we talk about fee hand on one protect our park. And she was like, like you wouldn't post it, and she put the clip up. Right.

We should talk about her on this show. Never heard of her. We never do that. By the way, how about Mike Figgs? Mikey Figgs? Sure. Fat son of an onion. The other day, he's bringing me up.

He's MC. Might be the worst MC in the history of comedy. No, great MC, hilarious guy. We love seeing him. And he kills on stage. He kills off stage. One of the best hangs by the way. Great guy. Positive. Never eaten a fig by the way, but maybe a fig Newton, these intros. He's a fuck up. He's like, uh, this next case bringing me up. Next guy. You've seen him on Tuesdays with stories, protect our parks.

It's Joe. And the crowd goes crazy. They're like, Oh my God, here we go. And I'm like, what do you do? Because that could only be you. I'm not on that show. That's not my show. But if they know me, they know you. Yes, they're happy to see me, but they're not. They're like, Oh, okay. And then the next night I go, what are you doing? Don't say that. And he goes, all right, I'll fix it. This guy, you've seen him on Netflix, Joe Rogan. And for a second, he doesn't say the Joe Rogan podcast or the Joe Rogan Experience, he's been on Joe Rogan's show. He just says Joe Rogan.

So the crowd's like, oh my God, Joe Rogan's here. Oh yeah. They're not even relieved to see me come out, but still. Well, the problem is sometimes these comics will say a bigger name in your intro. I used to get this, this next guy was shouted out by one Jerry Seinfeld. So most people are eating a falafel going, did he say Jerry Seinfeld? And now

they're like, right. My fat ass walks up and they go, ah, who's this? Close enough. What are you going to do? But then he did this the other day. He's bringing up Louie. I bring Louie over there. Louie's excited to come to the stand. He might come tonight too. Ooh. And you know, figs goes up there and he goes, all right, folks, you come to a show in New York city and blue. And I both go, here we go. These guys. Oh my God. You never know what's going to happen. Your Dick could fall off. Your pussy could fucking sneeze. Your asshole could bleed. Get ready for the surprise of your life. The greatest comedian of a generation, Mount Rushmore and

Louis doing his fourth set in five years. Oh He's got three jokes and a poem He's like gonna I go lighten fireworks off and he goes Yeah, and then Louis shit for ten minutes cuz he gave him a fucked up intro the big intro it's a nice sentiment It's got good intentions But it's a real hole to dig out of cuz they put you up here and then you want to work on your bit about the zoo. And they go, I thought this guy was something. That's a good bit.

Hey, thanks. No, I meant Louis. I had this at the Greek. Maybe I told the story already. When I did the Greek, they had MC James McCann or began the Australian. Yes. Maybe I told this story, but he's like, we got a special guest. It wasn't supposed to be here, but he's a special and I'm like, well,

nobody at the Greek in LA in Hollywood and the Netflix fest at the every big name in the book. Nobody in the whole room is like, oh, I hope it's list. No, they're going to come on Kevin Hart or Sebastian or Nate evengetz even. Exactly. So Figs, Figgy boy, we love you. But your intro's stink. Figgy Pudding. Yeah, he's a sweet, sweet man. He's got to cut down on the Hershey bars though. That guy's rounder than a basketball, but sweet kid.

Yeah, good guy. And only like a little Italian, by the way. Really? He feels like full Guido, but I think he's half Puerto Rican and half something. Well, he's some bad in there. He's got some brown and a hell of a stash. And a hell of a good cook, but boy, what a weekend we had. It's fun, we were both in the city on the weekend. Unbelievable.

First time since 1998, I think. Yeah, yeah, it was great. I had the wife around, we hit the pool, we went to a pool in Brooklyn and got drunk and just nice to have a day in the city. I'm always on a plane, an Uber, an astronaut, I'm up in the sky, I'm jumping around in a cab, whatever, and here we are and just sitting in a lounge chair. It was nice. It was nice and I was supposed to be home this weekend too and then I got a crazy hair

up my ass and Sarah's been wanting to visit her mother and the baby and the Texas and the thing. So I was like, we'll go to Houston. And now I'm like, I got buyer's remorse. I'm like, I could use another weekend. Yes. Because boy, we have a time, but the stand Friday night, that was an all time.

Oh, what a hum day. Well, first of all, in New York, when it's a holiday weekend, there's a buzz in the air. Everyone's in a good mood and also half the city leaves. Exactly. So you got a little room to breathe in this goddamn town. Usually you got a swatch of sidewalk this big and you're bumping into everybody. There's nothing better than being home on a holiday weekend because exactly, there's

spots everywhere. I don't really drive that much but there's spots everywhere and it's just quiet and nice and... Spots everywhere like your dick. and it and lumps spots blood cum Asshole juice sure that's a bad drink But you were just a sight for sore asshole over there And I thought you were leaving because I had the 1145 spot which as soon as I get there I'm like does anyone want to take my spot. I want to get out of here. I go to bed at 10 p.m

That's a late spot, and you ended up hanging the whole night. Salacuse was there. I commandeered his camera for a bonus. That's right. Yeah. And so we're going to be on the street, on foot, mobile, portable, at the stand, riffing and raffing all day long. And our boy Andre Kim came in and boy did we hit him from all sides.

And it was like Charlie. I was in the bush. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. I mean, we hit him with the gong and the ho and the rice hat and the whole thing. If you like inappropriate humor right at somebody, really targeted irreverent humor, get on the Patrigot. Oh, it was like a spy balloon.

We knocked his ass down. Well, and I had another funky thing where a woman in the middle of my set said that that's offensive to me and all women. Yikes. And then I was like, and Salacus has got the, he's on his one knee and is right in the way of everything. We got to get that in there.

Nice and unfocused and shaky right in there. And it's going to be like Blair Witch project. Great film. You like the Blair Witch? I love that film. I don't care for horror. Is that right? I don't love it.

I mean, there's some good ones out there, but like a quiet place I enjoyed. Yeah, that one stinks. All right. But I thought it was pretty good. I liked it the first time. The second time I was like, what is this again? You can't watch that one twice. What are you crazy?

Yeah. The second time I was like, this is horrible. Yeah. But Blair Witch I love. That that one twice. What are you crazy? Yeah, the second time I was like, this is horrible. Yeah. But Blair Witch I love. That happens with sex. You find that sometimes? The first time, you're like, that was magical. I used to hook up with this gal in San Francisco.

She was like, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. And bleep that. Oh, yeah. I bleeped that. Now she works next door. But she was a nice lady. And we had a fling and we had a great weekend. It was one of those bang all weekend. And then I went back like three

years later and she was still working there. And I said, Hey, why don't we take it for round two? And it was a wet blanket. Well, that happens. I think people get a little more conservative or whatever. They want a relationship. No politics. Sometimes that happens. I'm on the 948th time fucking a woman this year. Sure. And it's still just as good as the first time, if you ask me. Wow, what's the secret? Lying. I see.

She's lying there. Yeah, that's it. Well, you know, you got to push through, you got to find new ways. Put something up your ass. Grab a ball. Tweak a nipple. Spit on something. Figure it out. Absolutely. We put ultimate warrior face paint on her. I ripped my shirt up like Hulk Hogan. Oh, yeah. Junkyard Dog.

I fart on her like Andre the Giant. You make it work. I have now boss. That's on the Patreon. That Patreon is going to be something else. There was some gold in there. Oh, and them here or their hills. We told the so much of the giant stories. We got to the bottom of the three point shot.

Oh, but the woman yelled out the offensive to all women. And I went downstairs to the same bit and it fucking murdered. And you can watch it all unfold. And that's all on Patreon unreleased material. So get on there. That'll be edited in a couple years. Oh, that was a great night too because some we won't say who but a person was leaving their job at that club and we got all got a dinner and we got three desserts. I know and I think probably we're supposed to pay

for it at some point. I don't know but we got a whole batch of dessert. We'll give Louie the bill tonight. Yes. And boy, it was just a fun hang. We had Sal. Who else was there? You, me, Salak use rich boss. Boss was there and Andre Kim was a great hang. I don't know if Richie was there that he was there too, though. He's a good guy. We got a great hang tonight too. Oh, we do. Laura,A. and we got Maddie Weiner. We got you. We got me, Kramer the Butler, possibly Louie. And that was a fun hang. And then Saturday I had the night off and impromptu woke up,

beautiful day, 80 and sunny. And I have a child and a wife and she went for a run. I had the baby. When she came back, I was all packed up. And I said, we're going to the park. Yes. She's like, what? She was all excited. Oh, OK.

And I said, we're ready to go. I got the fucking the sheet and the thing and the other thing. And I cut the two holes in the sheet, put the cross on it. Yes. Let's go. Light it on fire. So we went to Central Park on a beautiful

Saturday afternoon. We found a nice shady spot. We put that kid right down there. He crawled the eight leaves in the grass and stubbed a hot dog in his mouth. And we just had the time of our lives. Was it jammed? I mean, there's probably not a patch of land on there. Well, sheep meadow was jammed, but we found a shady little spot over there, and we watched the horses go by, and we went for a run and a walk. We took turns. We went over to the Dakota because we had just watched Rosemary's Baby. That's a great horror. That's a good movie.

That's a hell of a film. Charles Grodin's first movie. Ah, the Grodin. Yeah, I love Grodin. He aged horribly, didn't he? I guess so. Well, he's dead now. Is he dead? I believe so. That's bad aging, but he was good in Beethoven. Yeah, in Beethoven second. And De Niro. Come on, New York. Cape Verde. Bill Murray. De Niro. Oh, man. You know it. What about Bob? Now give it a go. Who's the boss? It's De Niro on the run. Oh, Midnight Run. Oh, my God. Yes.

One of my favorite films ever directed by Martin Breast. Yeah, that's a hell of a film. Joe Pant's. Oh, yeah. Joey Pant's. I love that movie. One of the great flawed endings of any movie ever. I'm sure we've talked about it. I don't believe we have. Well, supposedly he's walking around with a hundred thousand dollars the whole time. I saw film. Charles Gruden has a hundred grand. Yeah. To him. Right. And at the end, he has to unstrap it

and go here. I've had this money the whole time. He gives it to Nero and then De Niro goes up to the cabin goes, anyone have changed for a thousand? So they had, they realized they wrote this movie where he's carrying, secretly carrying a hundred thousand dollars. And there must have come a moment where they realized to carry around a hundred thousand dollars in cash, you'd be bulging. Yes. It's a huge amount of money. So they had to just create a world where thousand dollar bills are just out of circulation. Like he's like, Oh, I got a thousand dollar bill, which is something that you just see in the live real world. Yeah.

But they must have had this moment where they're like, wait, so there's a hundred thousand dollars look like. Yes. they're like, wait, so there's $100,000 look like, yes. How does a movie get through all the editing, all the writing, all the acting, all the directing and not catch that? Because 100,000 you'd have to have $1,100 bills. Yes. That's a lot. Well, could you wait a minute? Right? Is there $1,000 bill? I don't think there's ever been one in circulation. I think they exist, but they're not in circulation. So a bank wouldn't give that out.

No, you can't go to fucking Chipotle with a thousand. No, you go like a burrito. I think they'd take 50 or less usually. Yeah. What do you got on a thousand dollar note? See note says the United States no longer issues bills in larger domination such as five hundred, one thousand, five thousand and ten thousand, but they are still legal tender and they may still be in circulation. Ooh, and that was in the 80s. Okay, I mean maybe, but... I think there's barely any at all. Yeah.

Like it's not like they're... It's not like $2 bills. Yeah. I think it's like there's barely any in existence. Interesting. I got two on me. It's a weird... It's a weird ending, but great movie. And who's that guy who plays the Chicago mob boss? He's dead too. He's great. Joe Pantalone. No, the guy he's the he plays Serrano in the movie. Boy, he's great. I forget the actors. It's been a minute, but he's very good. Anyways, I love that film. Good movie. Good time for a flawed ending.

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Get on it. But yeah, we had a great, great, great park day. I hit you up. You were out in Brooklyn. Tell me about this Brooklyn business. Well, the lady. I know the lady's got a sometimes going to Brooklyn is almost like a field trip now. I suppose so. You know, but you're going to Manhattan, so you're changing boroughs, so I'll change a borough.

I'm going to the best borough. That's true. You're going to the fucking... I live in the best, so I gotta go mix it up. So the lady goes, I wanna go to a pool, and you go, all right, we go to a pool. But I go, I don't wanna go to this Soho house nonsense. That's where we always go, and it's just hot gay guys, and you're in a pool, but I go I don't want to go to the Soho house nonsense That's where we always go and it's just hot gay guys and you're in a pool and it just jizz water So I'm like, all right sounds perfect to me send me the address. Yeah, it's a little salty but

It's not fun. Every guy's gawking at you and winking at you and you go with her then you blow one but and winking at you and you go, I'm with her, and then you blow one. But so we go, I'll go to a pool, but it's got to be empty. I can't go to one of these crazy pools. The DJ's pumping, you know, everybody's hot and gay and weird. And I'm like, I got to just, I want to, if I'm going to go to a pool, I want it to be relaxing. I see. Much like a hammock, a hammock. Everybody thinks it's relaxing.

It's actually a nightmare. Yeah, it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. You fall through it, you got an ant up your ass, you come off of that thing with the weird imprint. And the bugs. My God, the bugs, because you're in a tree, so there's tree bugs. Yes, and getting out of it and getting into it is a hellish moment. So whatever.

So she finds a pool in Williamsburg, and I go, all right, we can jump on the L, we'll make a day out of it. We get there, we had a great time. There's like four people there. We had the whole pool to ourselves. I'm doing backstrokes and the whole thing. And we start drinking and we're out in the sun and it was a delight.

I love a delight. Very tasty delight and a nice day buzz and got my shit together and did some sets that night but it was a great one something about that Sun hitting your face just laying there drinking a Mai Tai is you can't beat it well there's nothing better in the world so we had that it was just a beautiful weekend then Sunday had that night off and you know just the wife and I you know it's like you got the baby and so it's I gotta work and she's got work so you to be the spots up Sunday night when they're gonna Monday night

she had spots anyways Monday night we're like we're doing date night movie we watch the movie challengers the tennis movie oh with the threesome that's all I want in my life is tennis and sex oh love and it was nice because it was the first time in a long time we just put the phones away. She looked at her phone but whatever. Pretended to put the phones away and just watch some sex. Plus it's like a sexy movie so afterwards you're fucking the ass. Oh nice. That's fun. But uh Sunday. Now this was one of these ones not a great story but one of the great all-time days of my whole life. Oh let let's hear it. Yeah, you weren't there. Well, the five o'clock show killed me. I know the five o'clock show that really creeps up because you're like five.

That's kind of, you know, that's quitting time. Five o'clock. But then you sleep till one. You look up and you're like, oh, now it's two. You know, I go to the park. That'll start at three. I'll get there at three thirty. Then you got to leave by four. Right. And also also the park you don't want to get there at high noon 50 degrees it was a hot one that day scorch it. So we had this thing. So Karen Fian has a pool Heard of her she's got a pool

She's got a beautiful high- building. Floor to ceiling. Great. Whatever the fuck her neighborhood. When I've gone to do a podcast, you're like, who lives here? Who are they? What is this? The Rockefellers are these people from reality TV? It feels like the real housewives or something live there. I'll tell you who lives there. Hot bitches. Really? Yeah. You got to get to that pool.

I'm all over that shuffleboard court. So she goes, why don't you come down to the pool? I'll reserve a spot. It's 30 bucks a person. Wow. Even if you live there. How do you feel about that? I don't like it one bit.

I think it's a rip. Luxury apartment. You paid $7,800 a day and then the pool is an additional 30 bucks they whack you for. That is bonkers. It's a little crazy. Yeah. Parking's enough. Now you got me on the pool. She's got one of these buildings It's a little crazy. Yeah. Parking is enough. Now you got me on the pool.

She's got one of these buildings that's like they got laundry. They got the gym in there. They got daycare in there. They got a doorman. They got a pool. We might move there. I swear to God, I'll move to downtown. Get the daycare.

Come to the Manhattan. Come to the island. But you're leaving. That's true. And I ain't going to Brooklyn. I'll tell you that right now. Well, it's your turn. You have it.

You've never lived in the Manhattan. I lived in Manhattan, I lived in Harlem. Oh, you lived in the Harlem. I lived in Harlem for a full year, 127th and St. Nicholas, baby. Go down with the whites. You got a whole topsy-turvy world down there, but downtown Manhattan, you're like,

but who grows up there? You don't wanna have a kid that's like, I grew up in the financial district. No, that kid sucks and he's gonna shoot up a school. But anyways, it's a hell of a building. So she reserves the spot the night before. I'm excited. We're going to go hit the pool, hang out, big family day. And then we got the big park hang the classic Joe list park here that I'm famous for, of course, amongst comedians. So I got the three P central park hang 9 30 a.m. pool nine 30 a.m. You gotta get all the way downtown. I know. So I wake up and Sarah right away

is like, you know, we're staying up late fucking the babies cry whatever. So she's got one eye open. She's like, just cancel tell Karen we can't come. One day one thing per day. It is is a lot you got a little meatball to drag around I know but I'm like come on we can do I give a big Rudy speech. What are you talking about? Now the night before I get an email And it's an email from Karen Fiat. I'm like, what the fuck is this email? Lost my phone My phone's gone. My wallets gone We can still on for the pool tomorrow, but I got to get up at 8 a.m. I got to go to Chase Bank, get out money, go get a new phone. Have

you seen it? Can you check my social media to see if anyone's posting shit? Wow. Of course I'm like, yeah, your pussy's spread open all over Instagram. It's crazy. Your assholes everywhere. Everything's per usual. Yeah, it's, yeah, there's photos of your feet and there's cum in your hair and... Feet hand. Yeah, that's all over the place. I say JK, LOL, everything's fine. So now... Wait, how did she see sober? How did she lose a phone?

I don't know. She's one of these people that like, I've shared a house with her twice. She's one of these people that like her phone is like, hey, your phone's out in the backyard. Oh, yeah. She's also one of these people, I'm at 1%. Can I borrow anyone's charger? Oh, my lady's the 1%. I can't handle it. It's the worst. And she's like, oh, we're out in the middle of dinner. Anybody got a charger? She's asking the bartender and everything. I'm like, this is the lady, hot lady move. I could never do that. It's funny you say that because

I was once on tour with a very hot woman. I don't want to say who. I don't want to sound disparaging, but it was one of these people, and we were all over the world. I'm talking Croatia, Paris, fucking Italy, Russia. Taylor Swift. And it's one of these people. It's like, I'm at 1%.

I can meet up, my phone's dead. I'm like, your phone's dead? I know. We're in the Czech Republic. Exactly. We're on the fucking Scootaboo-bo boo boo street like right the vowels are upside down here I know there's a oh with a line through it What are you talking about? No, that's crazy talk and then they're like, oh, it's so hard out here for a lady

How am I gonna solve them like you got no phone? You can't film the guy if he does anything you're in in seven inch heels and you have no map. You're fine. GPS, you're queef. So anyway, she's one of these people. So now it's like the night before. And I got one eye open. I've been I'm half asleep. I'm half a fag and I'm getting I'm getting emails over and over again. Being like, oh, OK, so if you get here at nine thirty, I talk to my door guy. My door guy's name is Hank.

If you talk to the door guy, talk to this guy. And I'm like, OK, so now it's a big fucking mess. But then we end up being, we're late for the 930 because the baby sleeps. He takes a nap. You've got to pack everything up. And then we're going for the day. It's seven months old.

So you've got to pack a towel, 40 diapers, six buckets, or whatever the fuck you, bottles. No bottles. Plus, you only have a few bottles, you gotta bring like dish washing soap because you gotta wash the bottles at some point because we don't have enough bottles to last the whole day. There's not enough room in the bag.

I see. You can just bring eight bottles. You gotta bring three bottles plus a washing fucking thing. Why do you need to wash it? Because you put milk in it and it's just sitting in the summer. You gotta rinse it out before you can make another bottle. Oh, okay.

Otherwise you have just hot old milk in there. Yeah, I don't see my parents washing. I don't know if they went out for a 12 hour day either. No, I guess not. My parents were on the move, but I had an old nanny. Right. Anyways, we got no nanny, no canny. I don't know what the fuck that is.

Tranny? I don't know. No tranny. There you go. But anyways, so we go, okay, we're going down there. I'm just getting, I'm just getting a, a car. So we get the, so she's not going to be there now. Now she's like, every chase is closed. Cause it's Sunday. She's getting money. I'm like, I'll bring cash if you need it. She's like, fuck you. I don't want your money. You piece of shit. She goes, all right, I'm going to the Apple store. It opens at 10 AM. Now I know, baby, you don't. I thought most people know if you get a new phone, it takes five hours. You got to fucking, Oh, you got to reload everything. Pick out the phone, reload and boobily boo. Sign in password. Here's my thumbprint.

Here's my retina. Here's my semen sample, the poo, poo stain, whatever. Exactly. That's why I carry a semen sample on my back at all times. Somebody's got to put it there. It's not mine. But anyway, so she's now missing the whole swim, which, you know, is a bummer, but you're also like, the pool is all I've walked. But it's a little awkward because it's your, not your home. No, but she's good. She's aces this lady. She goes she talks to Dante the pool boy She talks to Alfred the door guy

So we walk in they see us getting out and this is like a super billionaire building upscale So you walk out they go you must be mr. List you must be Karen's friend You're the baby. Okay, right this way. The guy comes out he goes, Oh, I know who you guys are. You're Karen's friends. I heard all about you. You can change in there. You can scoop over there. Now the baby's never been in a pool before. Oh, this is big. This is huge. He's got the big bathing suit. And the whole thing and I put him in and now

you get there and it's all just hot babes. Oh boy. This is like, I mean, the whole two piece thong up the thing. The titties out. Oh, God Almighty. What about the wife? What's she up to? I didn't even see her. I don't know. She's got a picture with a onesie of pajamas on with the butt flap open.

Absolutely. Yeah, I don't know. She had sweatpants and I don't know. I didn't see her most of the day. But what about this for an invention like this? I can't wait. I know you. Please. A device, you hook it into your baby's eyes like a contact lens. I don't know how it works. I'm not. I'm just the idea guy. All right. Seems dangerous.

Maybe it's a chip. OK. OK. I like chips. A chip and a Dale and I have a brother in law named Chip and an uncle named Dale. Isn't that fun? Whoa. I didn't get a brother in law named Chip. Yeah, Chip and Dale. It's fun. Well, you've met him. But anyways, you put the chip in and everything the baby sees and looks at goes directly into my brain. Oh, I love that. Because I'm holding the baby at the pool and he doesn't know what from what. He's just staring.

Yes. Right at the pussies of these ladies. Isn't that weird that the baby doesn't register a clam? He's like this. Yeah, well, so am I. So I got the chip and I'm looking up at the clouds going, look at the clouds. Yes. Staring at the pussy. And then I'm like that away, buddy. Get buddy. I love it. Then you hand him over. Oh. He's swishing in the cleavage and he's grabbing all the titties. Maybe we can hook the hands up too. Yes, yes. And you feel what he feels. Yes. Now you and the baby are boners. This is this is great. I

gotta text Elon. It's like when they put the the camera in the teddy bear and they put that puppy in the bedroom and now you see mommy and daddy fucking. Exactly, so pretty good idea. I like it, I like it. The baby is innocent. It's a beautiful thing because they're all going, oh my God, Uj. And then they come over there like, Uj, yeah baby.

Yeah. You can't believe it. Well, the baby, you're thinking, hey, nice tits. The baby's thinking, hey, that's good eating. Yeah. You can't believe it. Well, the baby you're thinking, Hey, nice tits. The baby's thinking, Hey, that's good eating. Exactly. And you know, what I think is got a heightened sense of smell. Oh, so you can smell that. I think it's a dog. Well, whatever. All right. But so anyways, it's a beautiful and it's the early morning. So it's quiet. And

we're the only ones in the pool because these people, what do you make these pool people? I think we've probably talked about this before at some point. I'm a run into the pool, cannonball, backstroke, backflip, noodles, throwing balls. How about these people with the nice bodies? They get waist deep and they lean on the ledge and they read. They're reading like Sophocles or whatever. I'm like, what's what does this stand waist deep in water? Is that joyful? I am with you. My lady just likes to be in the water. She's like, I like to be in the water. Just my feet in my knees in my

butt in my dick in. I'm like, I'm swimming. We're swimming or we're not swimming. I can't just wade. What am I a slave? Wade in the water. Dwayne Wade. Wade Boggs. There you go. It's no good. I don't get it. And I want to- Wade's world, excellent.

I want to sprint and jump. I'll jump over your head. You jump over my head. Yeah, chicken. Throw the football, get on my shoulders. Sure. See how long you can suck me off before you drown. Yeah, I'm going full Nirvana, baby.

And then be like, watch that. I'll stand on the water you try to jump and stay Run across the water. Love it. Love it I only like swimming if someone's close to smashing their head on the side the cement fucking sure You know what else is fun there the rail going down the stairs. I like to slide my dick wet It's the best so we're the only ones in. So I got the baby and he's loving it. He's kicking. He's love. He's mostly drinking the water.

But whatever. What are you going to do? He had a blast. Sarah had a blast. We had a great time. And then you lay out in the sun and enjoy that. That was fun. Air drying is nice. You know, you're completely soaked. You just lay there and 10 minutes later, you're like, hey, look at me. I'm dry. My wife's bus.

It was the best and so much fun. And then times up, they kick you out. And then Karen got there just to basically say, Oh, she had to go to the noon session. Ah, that's what's good about free hand. Now, I in my life, if I set up a hang and then I lost my phone and missed the whole hang. And then people were done swimming.

I'd be like, all right, I guess you guys get lunch. I guess I'll get lunch with you. Right. Even though she wants to go to the pool now because she missed out the morning session. Yes, yes. But she's like, all right, you guys can use my house. I'll, I'm going down to the pool.

I like that kind of person. That's the best kind of friend. Low maintenance and they keep it real and there's nothing personal. You know, I would be like, oh, I guess I gotta go eat with you. I feel bad. I lost my phone. I should make up for it. But she's like, nah, I'm doing what I want to do. Yeah. She was like, yeah, just you could shower here. You can fucking do whatever you want to do here. Just live in my house. I want to be here. I'll be out there. I can't, I can't do that. I, but I like that she can. Yeah. That's what I always

liked about my friend, Derek. We would call the phone, like, you want to hang out? And he's like, no, not really. I'm like, all right, I'll see you later. Wow. Or vice versa. You'd be like, yeah. And then we'd always do this. Just come over. Right. We'll start hanging out because some people want to make a plan. Oh, no plan. What are we going to do?

I don't want to do that. Well, I would do this. You need the friend that's like, come here and just go there. Yeah, yeah, that's big. The pool thing's like, come here. Just go there. Yeah. Yeah. That's big. The pool thing. Oh, I had some at the pool. Oh, so I see Karen that night. What was that Sunday? You were at the pool. So I see her that night at the stand and I go, hey, you go to the park. She was like, no, I'm not going to that. I was like, oh, all right. I missed it. I felt bad about it.

But then when she was like, I'm not going to sit in the sun and on the grass. I was like, oh, yeah. And then I she was like, I'm not going to sit in the sun and on the grass. I was like, oh yeah. And then I didn't feel as bad. Yeah. Well, she's also just an asshole. She's like, she's like, no, that's fun for poor people. And I'm like, what are you doing? We go, we play frisbee. We were first of all, yeah. Laying in the grass is fun. Yeah. I love the grass. I like the grass. No better feeling than the grass. Plus you take your shirt off, you throw the frisbee, you throw the football, you throw the wiffle ball, and then you have the conversation. You're sitting in a circle. Oh, have you seen that guy? That guy's a hack. This guy's... It's the same as

the green room hang, except it's shade and sun and breeze and hot dogs and the band, the roller skaters. It's a green grass hang. Yes. No green room. That's right. Uh-huh. But yeah, that's not bad. And you know, a lot of people, including me, they go, ah, I got to. That's right. Uh-huh. But yeah, that's not bad That's not and you know a lot of people including me they go I gotta take a subway there then you got to walk down in the Sun then you got to find everybody then it's awkward for A minute. I gotta get over that part. It's the best and you used to come I Get come we played a lot of frisbee, but it was a great group. Sagalow, Cantor, Isabelle, Steve Rogers, Patrick Holbert. So far I'm feeling pretty good. All right.

Who else? Louie. Chris Rock came with him for a few minutes. Oh, I know, that seems a little far-fetched. Yeah, no, he was there. Oh, Geraldo came. Jerry came by, Michael Richards, he was promoting the new book.

Oh, cool, wow, Did he do a set? Maybe Chris clashed a little. I feel like this is a barking. Hey, we got Dave Chappelle coming to the Ha Comedy Club. We got David Letterman doing a set. First time in 38 years. Someone else was there. Well, you know, everyone was out of town, I think. Sure, sure. That's the main thing that was happening. I see. If I could teleport and just, oh, I'm at the park, I could leave.

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lay on their backs. It's all up skirts and panty shots. Isn't it weird that if a skirt goes blowing in the wind, you see the underwear, every girl's like, but if you're in a bikini with a thong, they're like, Hey, look at my fucking labia. I mean, that's all I think about all the time. It doesn't. It's out of whack. It's the same thing. You're in a two piece. Yes. No sense. Yeah. I mean, look, I get it. Nobody wants to see their skid marks showing.

But if you're in a bathing suit, I can see your fucking C section. Well, and it's but it is hotter too, because it's accidental. Yes, that is. These are a lot hotter than swimsuits. I know because they're like cotton. I think you can rip them. You can cut and I Joe move them to the side. The side move. Oh, you know what else is harder? The pool is when besides my dick is you're walking by and there's four five six gals on

the day beds or whatever you call them and they're just face down and you're like, and they're just face down and you're like, but, but, but you can't look at the butt, but you're walking right by the butt. It's a, it's a mind fuck for the male. No, I stare at the butt. I know I'm a bad person or whatever times have changed, but I think if you're in a public park, your public fodder and Potter, I mean, if people want to stare at my tits when I'm shirtless out in the park, I guess they're my tits. I think you got to get in, get out. You got to look and go, that's her ass. And then

look the other way. Well, you can't go over there and read it like it's Sopocles or whatever Othello. Sure. But you can. Yeah, you. Yeah, I guess so. And then the other ones displaying. Yeah. Plus you do the trick. You go, which way is East again? Over there. Oh, it was there. Yeah. East infection. I'm very good at spotting people in the park.

This is the best part of the park. Because you're like this. Hey, I'm nearby. And you're like this. OK. I see her. Yeah, that's fun. So why you pretend to look for people, you can also. Oh, that's a good one. And the frisbee is a big one. Throw it over there. Mm hmm. Yeah, that's fun. So why you pretend to look for people you can also oh, that's a good one. The frisbee is a big one throw it over there Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's big. That was back when you there was pre social media

No dating apps and a frisbee was an in like, oh almost hit you there ma'am. What are you reading? Sophocles. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. You ever read a fellow. We got it over here Well, you're very good at walking up to dames and going oh I can do the walk up and say it but I can't get the I can't close. Oh you closed. I'm closed for business. Yeah you are now. That's true. But I saw you close a couple of things. Well we close those old bags in the hotel that time. Ooh, that's the easiest closure is the old hotel, I mean the old bar fly skank. What was that exactly?

I have no idea. We were at Caroline's or somewhere. We were at Caroline's and we walked over to Playwrights and kept putting them back. And we saw a couple of senior citizens. They were older than baseball, these women. Oh yeah, one of them had a cane and the other one had a... Able? And we saw a couple of senior citizens. They were older than baseball, these women. Oh, yeah. One of them had a cane and the other one had a...

Able? ...respirator tank. And they were out visiting their grandsons in the war or something, and they were like, we're staying up here. And I go, oh, I used to live in this hotel. Let me see if the rooms are the same. And they were like, you got it. And we got in there. And yeah, we learned all about women's suffrage.

That was bad. I mean, that must I must have known you eight months at the time. And I think I was eating one of them out. Like she had her leg up on the competition. It was Captain Morgan. on the bureau. Captain Morgan. They had like a red, long, floppy dress, like a league of their own. Oh, yeah. There's no crying and eating out. I was underneath there like a tablecloth.

And I remember just you and I, we kept talking. It's like it's all blurry. It's brown. Well, yeah, we were half in the bag. We were gone. We were blotto. It was bad news. And they were gone, too. It was bad news and they were gone too. It was a who's who. But I don't think we actually banged. We just kind of fingered them and made out. I had one in the bathroom. She kept talking about prohibition so I got out of there. Fucking

Ken Burns over here. She was giving me the history of World War I and Franz Ferdinand. So, oh, look at that, you caught it. But yeah, yeah, so I had to had to bail once she told me she knew Eich Eisenhower. But yeah, that was a wild night. And we had millions of those. That was just one night. You know what's funny about that? In reality, they were probably like our wives age now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Those funny things to a man. She was probably 33. Mine looked like Bea Arthur. She had the pearl earrings. She had the doily dress and the necklace with the locket of her best boy in it. They were going steady. But that's what I'm saying, Bea Arthur. You can look it up. She was like 28 on Golden Girls. Yeah, well, Mrs. Robinson was 39. Well, Betty White, I think think was 16 in the first season

Be Arthur first season golden girl 41, okay, I was gonna say over 40 I'm telling you that's what I'm saying to us. They were all fucking koozes. Yeah. Yeah Well, that was in set Miami too, which is funny to think of these old bags of Miami That was back when Miami had old people in it. Now. It's just a bunch of hot Cubans Looks like be Arthur was 63 Okay, yeah, she was cast in 1985 and she was born in 1922 63 oh, you know what is who's Estelle Getty was the youngest one. How old was the stuff? She was supposed to be the oldest. Yeah, Okay. But I think she was like 19 or 20. What was her name? Cecil? She was the Italian broad. Sylvia. Sylvia. It's like I'm talking to my aunt Sylvia. All right. Well, how old was the still getty?

It looks like 62. Oh, no. You're young. McClanahan was younger. She said she started at 51. Well, she was the young slut of the group. Right. I've seen the show. Not too young. It says, uh. Uh. All right, let's see.

And then Betty White, we did an age on her. Yeah. She died a year ago. Yeah, I mean. But she was 100 or something. That's right. I thought they were all 11. Maybe I'm thinking of, what's his toes?

Hunter S. No, who's the guy? guy Wolford Brimley was like 19 when he made the thing or whatever. Yeah, so be Arthur was 10 years older than her character was supposed to be right when they started she was supposed to be 53 she was 63. Wow, they never go the other way. Yeah. So so Betty White's character is 55, but she was actually 63 again. Wow. Estelle Getty, she was written to be 79 and she was only 62 when she started. So she's younger by only a year. That counts. Well, we got a lot of range. We can go from just a golden girls trivia. Absolutely. How about that? We can go from taints and tits to still

getty. But anyways, we hooked up with some old broads and it is hazy. Did they kick us out or what? I think one of them took a nap. I think we were kind of like, this is no good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she kept talking about all her kids or grandkids. She pulled out a book with the photos and I decided to get out of there. One of them died of typhoid. I just remember you were killing me because you were going hey all right you fucking old cunt and I'm going ah I'm dying. Yeah that was fun.

Boy you were really something in those younger days. Yeah yeah I had a real screw loose. Yeah it wasn't good but it was a lot of fun. It was fun it wasn't great on paper and didn't help in school. Tell you that. But boy, we had a sense that what's what's tragic is the brief window that we got to hang out and drink together. Yeah, it was pretty brief. And because when I first met you, I had a girlfriend, so I was never really around. Right. And then we broke up.

You and I started hanging. But then, you know, I got sober not long after that. And then whatever. But boy, we could have really. Yeah. Well, I'll some rugs. And then the other side of that coin is even we did have our wild nights. I'm in a blackout. So I don't remember any of them. I remember a little bit like images here and there. But it's no clear picture. There was the Biltmore in Providence. We cried that night. I texted everyone on my phone. It was to see. That's the thing. You have these highs and lows with the big party. You get the big cry. Right. And no one sees that part, but that

was not pretty. I think we did a rock club. What was that gig? We did a rock club in Providence. A gig was pretty good. I kind of remember. Was it the Strand? Maybe. It was packed. I caught a Strand. How big? How big is it? I don't know. I'd say it was about 100 people. Oh, shit. We shared a hotel at the Biltmore, which is nice. And I was showing you a Charlie Chaplin speech. Yes. And it moved me, Jerry.

I mean, it was crazy. But I also remember it was that thing when we had first started hanging out and I got fucked up and high and drunk. And I was like, wait, do you hate me? Oh, yeah. Are you mad at me? You're like, what? No. And I'm like, no, I think so. Fuck. See, I didn't. That was new to me. I grew up with a bunch of degenerate riffraffs and no one ever did that. Yeah. I mean, I was a degenerate riffraff that thought everyone ate it. Well, you were degenerate, but you had some emotion. I grew up with a bunch of books who would just put you in a headlock for an hour. Yeah. No, I mean, I liked breaking and stealing stuff, but then I was like, are you mad? What's

going on here? I can't tell. That was, I was showing you the chaplet. That's right. And I think you were, ah, I was in awe. Yeah. I mean, I was, uh, I was obsessed. I'd never seen it before and it hit me right in the dickhole. And I had to send it to everyone I knew. My mom's like, you okay? But then you also have to think, I think this is what I happened because I was high and drunk and I was like, Oh, am I that guy? Cause I hate that guy. You're hanging. And someone's like, watch this video. Especially if it's a sincere video. It's one thing if it's an old man getting kicked in the nuts. You're like, all right, this is fun. But it was sincere

chaplain. That's yeah. We also watched all the old man getting kicked in the nuts. You're like, all right, this is fun. But it was sincere chaplain. That's yeah. We also watched all the old Marx brothers at my old apartment. That was fun. It was great. We watched when standup stood out. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. We had the Samoan and we would just be blackout trunk and your roommates would come home randomly. I think I stayed in your apartment once too with Megan and the dog. I stayed in your couch. Really? The Coney Island, the Coney Island. We went all the way out to Coney Island for a murder fist gig. That's right. And we got fucking banged up on that one. Real big beers all night. Yes. I think we were passed out on the train as a photo. Maybe you're passed out or I'm passed out. Well, we're, we're, it's that weird stage of drunk where we

partied all night and now we're going home and it's kind of sad and you're kind of coming down and you're doing this. You're like playing a fake guitar and I'm just looking off into the distance and we're sitting apart from each other. And she caught a nice. Yeah, that was fun because you're always that road beers for the way home. Yes.

Yeah. Now I can't have a road beer because the hangover will be worse. I find that the longer you go without drinking before sleep, the better you feel in the morning. Yeah. But I love I love being completely shitfaced till you pass out. To me, that was the best. Yeah. Those days are over. Well, also, I was talking to Alan about this the other day. They're just not like in therapy, but like just in passing, not in fact, but it was in therapy. It wasn't like I need help. But I was like, when I was young, those days you

would ride the subway home and every three in the morning and it was just the service was so bad to be waiting for like 20 minutes. Oh, all the time. So much of my life was like laying on the platform. Yes. Literally like laying down on the platform. Totally hammered with like a beer can just waiting for the fucking end. Oh, been there so many. And I lived out in Crown Heights. So it was a long wait and a long ride. Yes. And back then, and I made it still like this at

three in the morning. I think it's gotten better. They also there was no now when you get on the train, it says 22 minutes to the next train. 16 minutes. They didn't have that. No. And there was no service. There was no service even in the station. Yes. Yes. That was a nightmare. You had no service and no idea when the next train was coming.

And in the morning and you'd just be laying there. And it's so funny because now I'm so cook oriented. Back then, every 415 a.m. I'm like West Forth just literally asleep. Oh, yeah. Train you be like, Take me rape me. I don't care. I need to sleep. And back then you saw a cook and it was like a novelty like, Hey, look at this guy. Holy shit. He's yelling. He's got a parrot on his shoulder and a shit in his mouth. And you're like, Hey, look at that.. Holy shit. He's yelling. He's got a parrot on his shoulder and a shit in his mouth. And you're like, Hey, look at that. And then remember how desperate you were. You would look down the tunnel

all the time because you were so desperate and you had no idea when the train was coming. And then the garbage train would come and tease your fucking asshole right in the. Taint. Thank you. The garbage train is the worst. For those who don't know, you see the lights down the thing, You're like, here comes the train. You'd get everyone up. Everybody wake up. The train's coming and it would just be a train hauling garbage. It was a mirage. Yes. And then there was times every time I thought I should just jump on this and then just hop off. Interesting. Well, my friend was so drunk. He got on one. Cassidy Hanahan. What? Remember him? No. I don't remember Cassidy.

He was my old roommate from New Orleans. I don't think so. He got on the garbage train when he was drunk. And like at some point he got to the landfill and the guys were like, what the fuck? Get out of here. And he was like, oh, he woke up and they kicked him out. He didn't know where he was. Well, the train moves so slow. You really thought like I could jump on the bed of this train. Sure. And I'll have garbage on them. Some are just that yellow flatbed. That's true. I could

just ride this up four stations. That's true. But you still wait for the same train. But you didn't have any cab money back then. No, no, you needed that train. And then sometimes they go, you're waiting for the D and you're like, it's like a C would pull up a C train from like 1941. You're like, all right. And then you wake up in the Bronx. Yeah, I had that.

That was my story with the first time I ever hung out with Cantor. Soder was working at K-Rock still. This is way back in the day. K-Rock. I didn't even know Cantor was the second time we were ever hanging out. And Soder would get tickets to shows.

He got tickets to Stone Temple Pilots in Jersey, like way out in not not even Newark, like the shed, the outdoor pavilion thing, which is in, like, it's on the way to, like, the, it's like on the Garden State Parkway. I don't know what town it's in. I don't know. So you drove? No, we were taking a train to New Jersey Transit all the way down to, like, the shore.

Wow. And we had to go get the tickets from Soder at the radio station. So it was like my boy that I knew him. Here's your tickets. We show up. He's like on the air just by himself. How funny. It's crazy. He's got the cans on and he had six pack of beer. We brought him beers in exchange for the tickets. So he's like cracking Coors lights being like, this is the Wolfman Soder on K-Rock 48. And he gave us the tickets and now I'm like nervous because I'm like, I guess I gotta get to know this guy. I don't really know him. That's the great thing about drinking.

Oh, it speeds all that up. Exactly. Because you're like, you drink, I drink. So we're just pounding for it. We get shithouse. We go to STP. I only remember two songs. I'm all fucked up. He's dead now. We take the train back. Oh, yes. Go Island. Meet back up with Soder, drink with him back in the city. Well, you got back. Yes, we got back. So then I get on the train. I'm riding back with Soder. My stop is Dipmars Boulevard, which is the last stop. His stop is Astoria Boulevard, the second to last stop. His stop is a story of Boulevard. The second to last. Okay. I'm asleep because I've been drinking now for 14 hours. Sure. And

he wakes me up. He goes, Joe, get up. You're the next stop. And I go, got it. Thank you. That's a friend. You're a buddy. I love you. Thanks for the tickets. Fuck. Yeah, bro. I fucking kiss them on the lips. The stop. I mean, you're a New Yorker, it takes under three minutes to get from one stop to the next stop. I go, all right, see you Dan. Thanks for waking me up bro. Thanks for the tickets. I wake up, I hear, seagulls. Oh, Cody Island. I'm at Cody Island. I step out, it's just hot dog wrappers, banana peels and seagulls. And I go, oh fuck.

And now it's a good hour and a half back up. It's a full hour and a half out. I fell asleep in the three minutes. I fell asleep, slept through the whole time. This train is just sitting at Astoria Boulevard. Wow. Doors closed. I mean, this is REM sleep. Oh, yeah. I wake up. I'm literally on the fucking ocean. Yep.

So then I get back. OK, here we go. I got to take the train all the fucking ocean. Yep. So then I get back. I go, OK, here we go. I got to take the train all the way back. Can you sleep back the way? So I think I'll sleep a little bit. I go, wait, I'll transfer at Barclays to the four or five, because that's like Express. But I didn't go to Queens. No, but I'm like, I'll skip all these stations.

Why or how? But I was like, train math. I was like, I'll get on the four or five and I'll skip all these stations. Forget why or how, but I was like, it's a train math. I was like, I'll get on the four or five and I'll skip all these stuff. Cause this is running local. I get the four or five, I'll go up to Lexington, get an end train ahead of it. Okay. It's called train math.

Okay. Which I do all the time still. Sure. Like I'm at Union Square, there's an end train at Union Square, but I'm like, I'll take the five to Lexington Avenue. That's only two stops. I'm skipping seven stops.

Not bad. So I do that, pass out, I wake up, and I hear, Today's Yankee game will be brought to you, I'm in the Bronx! Oh my God, you're seeing the whole city. So then I go, I get a Mountain Dew and a Rolling Stone magazine, I'm like, I'm gonna pound caffeine and read the magazine,

I finally make it home, I remember texting Soder, or Soder. It was like 9 45 AM. I'm like, I just got home. Are you kidding? Oh my God. It was epic. And I've been close with Soder and Cantor ever since. I, uh, that's a great story. And I'll just end it with this. I did the same thing on the L train, except I woke up to a guy's hand in my pocket. I was being robbed, fell asleep, woke up in Canarsie, last stop of the L. This is like Brownsville where Tyson's from. Yes, East New York, Brownsville, that area. All that shit, Goodfellas area. But that was the 60s, 50s, yeah.

So I wake up, there's a guy on a, like a Kaepernick on a knee, doing the pockets, going through, running the pockets going through running the pockets and I go And I stood up like that and I hit the bar. Oh, and I fell back down and I went oh And now I was hurting so bad. I didn't care about the pocket guy and then he walks backwards and the door You know at the last stop the doors kind of hang open for a while And he walks backwards off the train and he goes don don't worry, it'll turn right back around. Ooh, boo. And I went.

Oh my God. And I just got right, I was so in shock and it was like, it was too much to take in. I was overwhelmed. I was like, okay. And I just went back home and had no wallet. It's like being cucked. You watched him fuck you.

I totally watched him and I totally took it and I took it right on the head. Now too bad he didn't moonwalk. He walked backwards. He should have moonwalked. That would have been nice. Moonwalk would have been nice and then like a twist. Yeah. Yeah. So I got, he fucked me like a little boy and I went back home with no wallet, no phone. Wow. Boy, those were some wild times. And it's so funny because now I'm 42 years old and I'm like, I don't even take the subway if the sun goes down. Right. I was curling up in a ball and going to bed and riding up to Brooklyn. Yeah. We were, we were a wild bunch and we're lucky we're alive to be honest.

Oh yeah. I mean the drinking and driving forget about it. Forget about it. All right. We're going to wrap it up. This is crazy. What a, what an episode. Oh, what a finale that was. I keep forgetting to plug my fucking stupid dates because I'm an idiot Salt Lake City. Look past Mohegan Sun this weekend. Is this right? June 11. Mohegan Sun is this weekend. Come on to that. I'll be there. I'll be all over that poker room all over that shuffleboard court Key West next weekend. And then I got Atlanta punch line July 18 1920. Come out to that because

that's going to be a tough week middle of the summer. And Seattle, Washington, one of my favorite cities all time, crocodile one night only. That's Thursday, July 25. And then August is big Milwaukee improv, mcgoobies, Tampa side splitters. I'm doing the Cape Cod melody tent with the other regs. That's a comedy show. July 10th is the regs at the Gramercy, if you're around. Whoa! That's pretty cool.

September is crazy. Oklahoma City, Portland Helium, Indianapolis Helium, and of course, Skankfest. And then Helium Philadelphia, October 3rd through the 5th. Jesus, I'm on the road five weeks in a row. That's insane. Wow. Good stuff. I have a fucking child for God's sakes. All right. Well, you're going to miss those first steps. Go to Punchline. Punchline. We're on Punchline. We're all on Punchline. Hey, I'm in Philly this weekend at the Miller Theater, then Carnegie Library of Music and Homestead, basically Pittsburgh.

Then I'm going for a minute out to Europe, Europa. Then I'm doing all kinds of stuff. MarkNormanComedy.com, check for dates. Punch up live, slash Joe, slash Mark, the whole thing. Get on the Patreon, you know it, you love it. We'll see you in hell. We're gonna do a bonus right now. Check out Fun Bearable. Uh yeah we're doing our 100th episode live at the Comedy

Connection in East Providence, Rhode Island on Sunday, July 21st. We're gonna be selling our first shirts and uh got a lot of fun stuff. Our last live show is up now. Uh Fun Bearable Pod.com with Doug Key. It was a real great time and uh yeah a lot of fun stuff. Check it out. You selling those shirts you showed us? Yeah. Those are insane.

They're insane, right? Yeah. It's fucking rules. Get one of these shirts. I can't talk about why they're insane, but that's okay. Even if you've never listened to the show, get yourself a shirt. It's a fucking badass shirt. Cool shirt. It is. All right. We can't tell you who designed it.

But it's cool. I'm excited. All right. we're out.