Tuesdays with Stories! - #559 Cassius Cliche

Episode Date: June 18, 2024

The boys are back and we're talking B&H, baby! Mark has a nightmare airport scenario and then gets a mysterious bag of white pills from a fan that he immediately indulges in. Joe does a tough charity show and catches a very unique heckle, while Mark heads to a Florida karaoke night to hang out with his favorite people. It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays to get started - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me And I can't choose what I want to say Hey! Badda badda badda badda it's a wing Badda he can it he can it he can it it's a wing Badda I think I broke my thumb. They went to a real game for that.

But later on in the year. How about that? Well, we're back folks. It's June 17th, 18th. Oh, Juneteenth. When's that? The 13th? 19th. 18th. 17th. I think it's 19th. I think it's 19th. The 19th Amendment.

Six, nine. Yeah's 19th Amendment. Yeah. Six, nine. Yeah. 19th Amendment. Yep. There it is. Juneteenth, baby. Slaves were made more expensive. I don't know. How did it work? Did you just you threw down a couple of was it coins bills? Is there a catalog? I think you bid on them. But yeah, catalog would be nice.

I want Tyrone. No, you get Leroy. The pages are kind of stuck together. You're like, Oh, I missed him. My page. You're gonna flip it. Because you don't really like the Sears catalog. You'd have to kind of write up to do this. Yes, I hate the lick. The Asian lady in my neighborhood does this. She has a sponge sitting on the counter and she goes, Oh, I've seen the sponge. It's pink. Yeah. Is that

for cash? Cash? Yes. Cash can be sticky. Yes. Cash is king. Cash is clay. Hey, that's pretty good. Okay. Why would you change that name? Best name? Cash is clay. Well, he got into... I mean, Muhammad, most popular name. It's just cliche. Cash is cliche. Yeah. Cash is clay. Great name. Great name. What else? You had the other guy, Yusef Islam was cat Stevens. Yes. Another banger cat Stevens. And he had an original name that wasn't cat Steve. Oh, what was his original name? Cause he's had like three days. Give that a go and then hated America and all that stuff. Another Muslim name that ruined everything was Lu Al Cinder Kareem Kareem I mean Lu Al Cinder Lu Al Cinder is a fun name

Cinderblock But Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a badass name though That's true, that's true Kareem Yeah I mean every time I've ever shot a hook shot I go Kareem and it's fine, Kareem no sugar Oh Kareem in my pants

I like that, Kareem is sickle So ice Kareem in my pants. I like that cream. A sickle. So ice cream. Yeah. Jabar. Jabar is closing. We better go. Jar Jar. Jabinks. Yes. Yes. I got this locks from Jabar's. Zabars. Gay bars. So it shows if we do a live pod, we should sell gay bars. Big rainbow thing with our faces on it. Yeah, it could be bars of chocolate. Gay bars. Yeah, gay bars. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I see. It's a candy bar. A gay bar.

Ah, gay bar. Gay bars. That's fun. Come get your gay bars. Gay bars, here! And we can make them, we can put them in your ass. They'll be dick shaped. Oh, that's good. Melts in your ass, not in your mouth. Oh! Somebody make a poster, a sticker, a tag, a thing, whatever. I've eaten some chocolate out of a butthole.

I love a beehole. They love to look down at that pink little beehole. Quite a balloon knot. It's like an aperture for a camera. Jet aperture. Boy, we're hot today. I got a feeling this is going to be a good old fashioned classic. Oh, yeah. Don't say it too early. Do you get ice water? You don't like ice.

I don't need the ice. I feel like it takes away from the water. I love ice water and I would kill for one. You know what they hate? What do you got on Luau Cat Stevens? Cat Stevens' original name was something like Randy Stevenson or something like that. Steven Dimitri Georgiou. Georgiou? What is he? It's weird, he doesn't, I mean it says British songwriter but he looks not British. Well, I mean he's from Britain.

He's from Britain but there's more going on. Well, I think you got, what's his parent? Iranian dad and a Mexican mother or something like that? This is gonna be a Mexican mom. Look at early life. A Greek Kypriot? Greek. Crypto. He's from Crypto. And a Swedish mother. Oh wait, how many moms does this guy have? I'm confused. I made up the Mexican mother. I was guessing. I'm just taking stabs out of here. I don't know where the fuck Kat Stevens mothers from. They like to stab. Okay. So he's Greek and Swedish. Yeah, I see. Is he a Gorg you? Yeah, I guess he is. All right. Well, he's a he's a coop. But what is what I would love an ice water if you're going.

I'm okay. Thank you. you okay just bring me a cube one cube of ice in the cube did you love that ice cube I enjoyed it yeah it's not a great film but just seeing a Tony Hawk in a movie at that age was a thrill it was very exciting Christian Slater there was a moment I was six I was like that's a man because I loved young guns oh yeah. Oh, yeah. He was in Young Guns 2 and then Gleaming the Cube. And he was just doing Nicholson. And I met him later on. Really?

Yeah, briefly. Yeah. Where'd you meet the AC Slater? Nice guy. He is a friend of a friend. And I said, oh, hey, nice to meet you. Short? Shorter than me, but I'm a lanky doofus.

Right, right. I'd say I don't remember. Yeah, OK.. I remember height. He's a hunk of a guy. He was handsome back then, and he was doing Nicholson, but no one called him on it. I think Cups was another movie. Oh, with me at Jovovich. Oh, I think people called him on it. I think that was like the that was the book on Slater.

Ah, he's just doing Nicholson. OK. Yeah. Right. I got a skateboard. See? I can't do Nicholson. Damn, that was fast. That was quick. Yeah, he was doing Nicholson and they say Richard Lewis was doing Woody. Oh, really?

That makes sense. Well, I'm a neurotic Jew. The problem is, people are like, once you're neurotic and Jewish, they're like, that's Woody, and you're like, well, I'm a Long Island Jew also. Right. We come from the same place. We're six months apart. Yeah well that that is tough but what's cool about Woody is he had crazy stage fright as a youth and they his agent had to push him out there literally and he would puke and freak out and sweat and then he used it. Right. He was like I'm Woody Allen

I'm nervous I'm, I'm nervous, I'm gay, I'm Jew, Gord Jew. So you gotta use your weaknesses. Well Woody had a great thing too. He's like, my whole career I've just been doing Jack Benny. He's like, but I'm so much less talented than him, nobody realizes. He's like, I just blatantly took Jack Benny's personality

and did that, but he's so much better than me. He's like, no one was like, that's Jack Benny. They were like,'s like this asshole. Yeah. I'm doing Kareem Abdul Jabbar when I play basketball, but I'm so much worse than no one notices. Right. Yeah. That's true. And whiter. But, um, Louis said he had a bit, uh, he was through these old sets at Rafifi cinema classics. Oh yeah. I remember. And he had a joke where he's like double-edged sword Everything's a double-edged sword the term double-edged sword is a double-edged sword because you're saying that but you could be something saying something else Whatever and he's like that's kind of a Seinfeldian bit and I made it lazy and shitty which made it my own Right. So I think about that all the time

Interesting. I love sweet Lou sweet Sweet Lou, by the way, I just stumbled on this as a song by Pearl Jam about Lou El Cinder. Oh, okay. It's a rare track a B side. So they're they're fans of the old name. Well, they're big hoop fans. And I think it was supposed to be like a you don't know what it's about. They call it sweet Lou, but it was lew. I see. But and also, you know, they go back to the college days, I guess. And he was because in college, he was Lou. You know, it's just I was just watching, speaking of the old days, I was watching a village Greenwich Village documentary on YouTube just about the village and the folk scene and the

beatniks and the racial mixing. And obviously, Bob Dill in his folk days was the king. Absolutely. It was all about Bob Dill. And he was dating an activist. And then he went into rock and they all said, oh, you went pop, you turned on us, Judas, you traitor. And he was like, ah, ah, ah. And it felt like in the early Brooklyn days when everybody was BLM and all that, and then you kind of go all right I'd like to make some money. Right. It felt similar. Well I mean early Brooklyn days BLM. Yeah I guess you're right. I'm overlapping. It was like four years ago. But he felt like

I'm leaving these guys in the dust I want to go be a big star I want to play the electric guitar. Right. But I like to I'm a big defender of Dylan and push back cuz I'm Dylan is the ultimate artist He's never done anything for commercial And he was a huge star and he was betraying the audience he had by going electric They were booing him off stage and that's what made it so ballsy and beautiful He just went I want to express myself in a different way and stopped writing these protest songs Yes started doing kind of this jibber jabber. What the fuck is he talking about? But it kicks ass. It was great. And then what's great.

I mean, No Direction Home is a masterpiece. The score says he duck. And I think I gave you a copy of that. Oh yeah. Years ago. I remember the cover way back. And he got death threats, all kinds of death threats and all this crazy shit. But I forget what I was going to say about it. Real artist went. He went against the grain, which is very punk rocky. But they talk about it because they when they were he was doing the tour in England or Britain, whatever the Europe he would play half acoustic and everyone would sit quietly and they would go electric and everyone would boo. But at the time, like a rolling stone was the number one song on

the billboard chart. So we played that and everyone stopped boo electric and everyone would boo but at the time like a rolling stone was the number one song on the billboard chart so we played that and everyone stopped booing and sang along and then went back to booing again when they went to not so it just shows you they're all full of shit they're full of shit and there's another great moment in that doc where they say they're interviewing these British kids and they go who's the hot band now what do you like and he goes I like Herman and the Hermits and it's not even the name right right Herman's Hermits. Right. So they were like, this is who's hot now. And they just say the name wrong. They don't even know it. How about that? And then where's

Herman? Herman's now? Exactly. He won the Academy Award. They changed their name to a Mohammed Islam. Oh, yeah. How's that? Look at the celluloid on that meat! I just came right from the pool, baby! I'm all tanned up! Look at that tan! I just came too. You got one leg browner than the other. Well, I was only out there for a few minutes. I had the baby, a towel, whatever. I think we need to turn you. I feel like a million bucks. There's nothing like a swim!

Oh, it wakes up! You give me a swim? It wakes up the whole body, Jerry! I think I figured out where I'm moving. Oh boy. Hold on. Let me go through. We got Belmar, then we got the Pacific Northwest, then we got the Berkshires, then we got Florida.

Never Florida. Get out of here, Florida. There's no Florida. All right. I threw in Florida. Well, we got a... No Florida. More somewhere else in Morristown or Morrist Plains.

Austin was Austin, Tarry town Monterey Red Bank yeah Hingham Harbor Hingham Massachusetts Los Angeles oh yeah the hills the valley Sherman Oaks maybe uh what was the other one that's out there that I like where they did the show What the airports there. I say Burbank, California. Maybe Raleigh. But I finally figured it out. All right. I'm all anal.

Here we go. Final answer. Beep, boo, beep, boo, beep, boo. What's that? That was my game show. Or a truck backing up. Yeah, it sounded like a British police car. Oh, yeah, hold on.

Was that good? That's pretty good, that's not bad. Let me hear yours. Eeeeww. That was a 1940s cat. That sounded like a cat, yeah, that's what I was thinking. The old police cars did like a whiny sound. Waaaw.

Sounds like my wife when I fuck her in the ass. I remember Richard Jennings joke. Every time I fuck my girlfriend in the ass she turns into Elvis Presley the last second. Maybe the most underrated comedian of all time. He's so good is that. That's a great joke. That's gold. Maybe the most underrated comedian of all time. He's so good and also I love the idea that he's fucking his wife in the ass and he goes, give me a pen. I gotta get that Elvis Presley thing down.

Oh, thank you very much. Great bit, great comic. The leg movements is very anal. Oh, it's so fucking funny. Anyways, great guy. He killed himself. Yeah, great comic. Also, the leg movement is very anal. Oh, it's so fucking funny. Anyways, great guy. He killed himself. Yeah, he did. Depression. It's real. He was in the mask! He had a good run. Yeah, he was in the mask and

he was pretty good in there. And Platypus Man, one of the great specials of all time. I don't know where you'd find that if it's on HBO or YouTube or what. It's got about a 15 minute, 20 minute intro. He's in the shadow. I'm the Platypus of man. Brutal. It's got literal platypus swimming around. That's right. Yeah. We had a lot of time back then. He's on the exercise bike with the beer cans and the butt. Well, back then they were like, you need to have a sketch to start a special. Had to do it.

It was a must. But here's where I'm moving. Well, confidential figured it out. Can't wait. Battery Park, New York City. I was down there. You know, I'm down there. I got a friend who lives there. Doesn't matter their name, their name. I see her or whatever it is. Only fan luxury building. You got a doorman over there. You got a little guy in a suit with a little hat that says welcome. He takes your package because my packages, they go in the trash. They put them under a bed of leaves. They call you. Hello. I'm ringing the doorbell. Porch pirate is out there too. Watch out for him. Oh yeah. Everything out there. There's

all signs everywhere of male thief and female thief female queef futures female Lord I hope not. So there it is. So you down there you got the door man you got all the classy people down there or person door door. All right. Trying to be better about that word. But then you got the rivers right there. View of the river, Statue of Liberty right there. There's that Brookfield Mall, a beautiful mall. The World Trade Center is right there. That whole garden park

area. Lovely. Then this person has a pool so you can wake up, go for a long run along the river, come back and right in the pool and the pool, it heals, Jerry. Oh, the sunlight, the chlorine, the movement, every muscle in the body, that cold rush all over you wakes you up. I mean, I feel like a million bucks. I'm all tan over here. Yeah, because I'm varicose.

I'm tanned up and I'm refreshed. Yes. And you got every subway is there. The N, the R, the W, the four, the fives, the J. Yes, yes, Fulton. And I'll be eight minutes from you in whatever bullshit, hipster, queer place you're living. I'm loving it. I'm loving every minute of it. And I thought, what am I gonna do? Raise my child in the financial district? And then this person was like, it's not the finance, this is Battery Park.

And we sit at Chipotle, Sarah and me in the Bambino, and it's baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, please, walking by, great Chipotle over there. Ooh, good to know. There's two malls, there's every subway. Yes! And all you gotta do is pay fucking $9,800 a day for rent. Probably, but I think it's going down and we'll be close and you're still in the city,

God damn it. And CQ lives right there. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Well, he lives at downtown, not, he doesn't live, it doesn't matter where he lives exactly, but he lives downtown. Safer, quiet, rolls up early down there. It's a ghost town after eight, which I think is good for the little nugget. Right. But financial district gets a little

spicy and dicey too. Oh, does it? Well, there's just homeless and crazy stuff. And by the way, my niece goes to pace. So she's right there. I got Quinn. I got Fian. I got my niece and you're not too far. I'm not far. Yeah. I'll take the beamer. I'll scoop you up. So there it is. Final answer. You got the Brooklyn Bridge. You got the Manhattan Bridge. You got all that. I think I think this is good. I think and you got the park. That park is lovely. Battery Park's wonderful. The whatever the World Trade Center

Park. I don't even know what the fuck you call it. Yeah. One Plaza dead people. I can't remember something like that. I see dead people from a Plaza. Yeah. I just was at Cypriot on the last night. It's funny. I did a show there. What's Cipriani? Cipriani or whatever it's called. It's right on the water. It's like the tip of the islands, right on the dick hole

of Manhattan. And you can see the ferry going by, and it is a show there. It's like a rich people place, so we all bombed. But yeah, you got the ferry, and then you're a quick right to New Jersey. Yeah, oh, that's right. But expensive as fuck. But so is a house in Montclair.

True. Is it really that price? I feel like it's on a coveted area. I think it's pretty expensive. Maybe it's coveted. I think she pays one thousand dollars more a month than I pay. I have a two bedroom plus an office. I mean, that's it is crazy. All right. All right. But the amenities. You are a person to pay for the pool.

It's 30 bucks a day. That is Cucu Bananas. Your own pool. I don't like that one bit. They should revolt. Because I'm like, if you went to the pool five days a week in the summer, it's one hundred and fifty dollars a week. Good Lord. It's like a heroine's cheaper. But I just came from there and it was just us. It was literally me, Sarah, Karen, the baby were the only ones in the pool for two hours straight.

That was it. And then people not swimming, it's three of the hottest women I've ever seen in bikinis out there. It's pretty good. Not too shabby. Well, yeah, the lady pays for the Soho house, which is $8,000,000 a year.

And it's all pool. You're just paying for that pool, Jerry. But it's always jam packed. It's full of semen and gaze. So you can't even get around in there without getting pregnant or AIDS. So that's not cheap either. So this is better. It's empty and it's cheaper. And the building down there, you got, uh, there's a gym in there. There's a steam room in there. Okay. So now no more equally. Yeah. I still like the Equinox. Well, you got the gaze and the steam room. The ones downstairs here. It's nice. But

anyway, so I'm moving to Terry town with a side house in in the battery park. I just got to make an extra million and a half a year. Well, with the Patreon going the way it is, you'll be all right. Oh, we got to talk about that Patreon. Holy shit. Have we got about sign up today? I say it all the time. I don't mean it. But now, yes. Now, good is that bit. Did you watch that? Fuck the game fathers, gay fathers. It's you, me, Kramer, the button. We have Brooks Wheeler in

there. Yeah, the Asian guy, Andre, Kim, hilarious. And we put it all together. And this is one of the best bonuses in a while. Not to mention all the hot gate. People forget how good these hot gay sets are. I've never seen them get on there. Plus all the just chatty bonuses we've been doing the Q and anal. It's a great time to be alive and a patron. Not only is it funny, but you're getting in the bowels of a comedy club or behind the scenes. We're in the green room. We're in the sound room. We're walking on stage. We're walking off stage.

We're in the bar. We're drinking. We're eating. We're cutting up. Oh, we were bouncing bits and you get some stand up. You got a big chunk of my stand up in there, at least. Great junk. Never seen before material and all for five queefs a day, but a month. Just that that thing of you getting yelled at by the lady and then doing the same material in another room 10 minutes away and then that gets a big pie. That's fascinating stuff. And you walking up and me walking out. Yes. Come off, I go on and a Starbucks tea in New York City is $4.21 now. For a cup of water. For a cup of water. A bag of leaves. So even if you live in the

Midwest, a cup of coffee is what, two bucks? For two and a half cups of coffee, you can watch this video. Fuck the African kids with the distended belly and the flies on their face. Get this for a cup of coffee. Absolutely. But anyways, I feel like a million bucks. I was back stroking and swimming and that baby can really swim. He drinks the water and it's a real boot. Well, they live in the womb. Fatty, you know, it's all kicking and splashing in there. Yeah, it's very fun. Went straight to Chipotle shoved a big thing down my ass. And I got to tell you, I'm all goofy. My rods and cones are screwed up. We

moved the time today and I thought we moved to three for whatever reason. And luckily I'm a psycho. I came up here an hour, a full hour early paid off. And you're like, wait, we're upstairs. And I happened to be at the bottom of the stairs, walking by to go to the gym. I was like, I'll go to the gym. I'll get a workout in. We're up here. And I'm like, oh, okay. I'll be there in one minute. So you had gym on the brain. I was going to the gym, but I'll just go to the gym after now. But what's crazy is, um, Sarah was like, what do you want to do now? And I was like, I want to go get a workout. Let me get up there. Cause I don't like trying to even cutting it a little close. Sure. Sure. So, uh, that could have been ugly. I mean, I could have been like, I'm in, I'm at the world trade fucking jumping off the building. And you could have had a weight on your head. You could have been pulling up or went on that machine that shakes you in the gym with the wraparound. Oh, yeah, the Jay Fox.

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You're here. Anyways, what have you been up to? Where have you been? I haven't seen you since 88. Actually, I guess I saw you last week. I've been seeing quite a bit of you. That's true. That's quite nice. Oh, good. I thought I was going to go the other way. No, I like you. Ah, who would have thought? All right. Well, it's been a wacky, wonky week. I first off

flew to West Palm Beach. WPB love West. It's a fake town over there. It's just rich Jews and a beach and crazy buildings and landscaping. How it's dirt lives there. Yeah. Well, he's got a $48 million house. I saw it on Instagram once. I did not know that. Yeah. It's all rich people. There's not a middle class in sight. And I was standing at the Hilton and it was a Jew fest going on. If Hamas wanted to break down and kill all these people, I mean, they could just drop one bomb. They kill a third of the population. Well, they do. I see. Well, this was just, it was all curly Qs and tassels

and dreidels and yarmulkes for as far as the eye could see. Wow, in your hotel? In my hotel, they were having a conference or an event or a Shabbat or a kibbutz or a music fest or an October, whatever it is. Oktoberfest. That's the one. And it was wild.

I felt like fucking Richard Pryor walking through there. Because you feel cool. Because you're not the Jew. You're like, oh, hey, wow, wow. I had music walking with me. I had a stride going. It's like B&H. You ever go to B&H?

Oh, it's like a Willy Wonka in there. I think I told you this before, maybe on the podcast. I went there, I was like, it's like a different planet over there. Then my friend said Jupiter. Oh, if you're not familiar, you're probably not familiar. Even if you live in New York, find out familiar. It's a electronics store run entirely by Hasidic Jews completely. And it's like the chocolate fact, there's conveyor belts going with machines and cameras all worrying around. It's wild. Yeah, that's the other planet aspect is what I meant. Yes. Yes. Crazy. You order a camera

and it shoots up a plastic fucking tube. It comes down and like lands on in front of you. Wow. It's like an AI thing. Wow. But he dropped Jupiter. I mean, how do these go? I was sitting there going, Juran is you rain. I was trying to figure it out. Then it was right there with Jupiter. Jupiter. Wow. Who was that? Can we give him credit? I guess so. It was Paul Odo. I mean, it's not that offense. Not offensive. He should have that to be his opener and closer. He's blowing it. It's a gold joke. I underrated comedian. He's down in Austin now. Check him out. I mean, just make it a deli, you know, because they don't have to explain the B and

H, but whatever. We're punching up his act now. So yeah, go check out Odo. I mean, it's a great comic, but that's a tough bit to pull off. Folks, there's a store in New York City where they sell cameras. That's what I'm saying, making a deli. Oh, I see. I see. My friend says like another planet. It cuts that joke the time and half. No setup. Now, that's a good idea. A deli that has the tubes. Let me get a ham and cheese and then ham just start shooting down the tube

tube steak. I mean, I've shoved a couple ham sandwiches up my tube. Oh yeah. Game bars. Get it back. But yeah, so you're in West Palm Beach. So, you know, these Florida gigs are nice because the flight is like 2 18, two minute, two hours, 18 minutes. Yes. So I can leave at one. You get there at three.

It's nice. That's fantastic. So I go to LaGuardia and I got to say, I'm not trying to trash the Floridians or the Jews of the world, but this was the dumbest gaggle of folks I've ever seen getting on an airplane. I mean, just like the slides and the belly coming out of your shirt and the retardation and like the entitlement and the pushiness, you know, and I'm not saying they were all Jewish or

whatever. It's just Florida West Palm folk. Yeah, because these don't sound like Jews. These sound like fucking... Because from what I understand from watching the Epstein doc, Palm Beach is a total shithole. Oh, really? White trash shithole. That makes sense.

And then West Palm Beach is the billionaire, whatever. Palm Beach is like a real dump. I could see that. It sounds good, Palm and Beach. You can't go wrong. Absolutely. Okay, Palm Sunday. But sounds good. Palm and beach. You can't go wrong. Absolutely. Okay. Palm Sunday. But getting haunted was one of those where like, I want on next. They're all like kids. They're pushing each other. And then you scan your thing and the gate

opens and you walk on the plane. They're like, I can't do it. I can't do it. And then, you know, like, Hey, mom, I got it. All right. And she couldn't. And then they're like clustering in and they're all on top of each other and you're like hey hey slow relax we're gonna get on the plane right and then you're watching them come down the aisle they're like 7f 7f where's 7 out and you're like look at the fucking numbers you chooch what are we doing here but whatever so it was a real real sad group I don't understand the people, because sometimes I think, well, I fly a lot,

so I know the thing. I have to say ball games too, when people can't figure out their seat. Yes, yes. But I didn't always fly a lot. I flew a first time. Of course. And I was like, okay, I'm 8A.

Yeah. Seven, eight. Right. There's a window next to A and an aisle next to B. Pretty self-explanatory. Crazy. It's not crazy, but you just lose the respect. You're like, what? They're like monkeys. They're with the seatbelt going. And you're like, what are you, retarded? How have you gotten

through life so far? You should be hit by a car by now. I think everyone's mind is mushy. I think the education is bad. And I think the phones have rotted us out to death. I hope it's phones because these people should all be taken out back and shot in the head. But the town is beautiful. West Palm is a lovely place. The sun is shining. The palms are swaying. You can get that beach air. You know, that ocean air is really something. It heals. And the show is humdinger. Great crowd, although I brought up the Trump verdict, because that was fresh. And that crowd got a little rowdy. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah.

Like three people went boo. And then everybody went, fuck you. It was an overwhelming fuck you to the boo guy well that's a real that's you know that's the battleground down there Mula big Mula big Jew big Israel you know a lot of Trumpians everything's down there yes so boy that's spicy meatballs spicy we got to make everything political you know like you see there's a guy got attacked on stage in Spain no I missed a guy walks on stage and was like left-wing activist gets attacked by right-winger in Spain

and you're like what is it the guy made jokes about his kids some is the guy's son like your son's gonna be a fucking homo he's gonna suck black dick so the guy went on stage and just he's like you talk about my son but it's all in Spanish but they had to make it a right wing left wing just he's like you talk about my son, but it's all in Spanish But they had to make it a right-wing left-wing thing. He's like at least talk about your son being a homo It has nothing to do with politics. Yeah, what they do go into their voting records. I guess so but You know, it's it's all silly, but they really wallop the guy. Oh, jeez. That's fun. It's a hell of a video I gotta check it out. Send it my way. What? Sure. It's all over the interweb I got to get on that interweb. It's some crazy shit on there. Yeah, it seems like it's gonna catch on

Yeah, I'll send you a few links, but so yeah West Palm and then you get your rental car So now you got the music going the wind in your hair the windows down Do the gig meet and greet greet. Guy hands me a big old bag. Oh boy, what are we talking ball bag, cocaine, cash. Bag of white pills. Tylenol?

No. I'm talking this is a hefty sack. What are we talking? Vicodin? No. Oxid, Codone, Percocet, Adderall. You're not going to get it. I don't even know if you've heard of this puppy. Oh, throw it at me. Sounds like a dinosaur. Paul, give this a go there, C note.

Trazodone. Trazodone. I know Trazodone. That's a woman that becomes a man. Hello, folks. No, I don't know Trazodone. I believe it's an antidepressant or an anti-anxiety. becomes a man. Hello, folks. No, I don't know. Trazadone. I believe it's an antidepressant or an anti anxiety. It's an

antidepressant and sedative. Sedative. I think I didn't know a sedative could be an antidepressant. Yeah. I wanna be sedated. It says Trazadone, antidepressant and sedative. Weird. Now, what? That's kinda like clonopin. Probably. I used to say clonopin. that would really fucking knock my ass off the tits. You gotta drink with that. Yeah. I mean, you're not supposed to, but I sure did. That's what I'm saying. Clonopin was fucked me up. Like I would take it for for

leisure, but I would be like fucking. I couldn't even remember anything. So it's probably like that. Well, I took this puppy that night because I was like, I want to get some sleep. OK, so let me pop a trash trash commentary. And I was out like a son of an onion. And when I woke up, I walked to that bathroom, went face down. What are you talking about? Chevy Chase or no, Bob Saget.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I went right down. Oh, my Dick Van Dy I went right down on my Dick Van Dyke to on the coffee table because you're wonky in the morning. You slept for 12 hours and you're like, Whoa, it was bad. So what are you like barfing? No, no, I'm just sleepy, sleepy, loopy. And my legs weren't under me, you know, legless. So that shit's no joke. So now I just take like a third of one. OK, well, that's good.

You know, get a random guy giving you drugs. Just take them for fun. Why not? They work like a charm. So thank you, sir. It was like an old guy in a suit. So the guy seemed legit. No kidding. He's like Easy Andy, the taxi driver. I see. Well, maybe crush him up and then snort him.

Really get it going, you know? Yeah, yeah. Really, really get some risk taking. I mean, I was drinking on it. It was a great time. And then Florida, such a weird place. Got my rental car the next day. Drove to Fort Myers.

Ah, that's where the Red Sox play their preseason ball games. Oh, really? Yeah. It's a sleepy town. It's a very small town. It's almost like Ford and Edison had a summer home there. No kidding. And those two inventors still couldn't invent anything to do there.

Real boring. No kidding. Not much going on. I think in the spring, whatever, it's baseball. It's hopping. Like, yeah, February, March. And then probably after that, it just... Not much going on. So I said, uh, did the show. Show was great. Nice crowd. I go, I need to get a drink.

Well, where should I get a drink? And I got this guy, Jack. He's our production guy. What about Jack? So I go, hey, Jack, you want to come out with me to get a drink? And I could tell he didn't, but he was like, all right, sure. I go up to the security guard. I go, what's a good bar? And he goes, this place, Flaming Joe's. And I go, great. So we go to Flaming Joe's.

It's karaoke night. It's just fat, drunk Florida people. Everybody's in tank tops and flip flops. And they're all singing, we're halfway there. Whoa! And I'm like, god damn. So I get a drink and I go out to the patio. Everyone from the show is there.

Oh, god. Everyone who works at the show is there at the theater. The security guard's like, hey, good to see you. I've seen a lot of comedy come through there, and you were one of the worst. You're like, all right, thank you. I got to leave. It was just sitting in that Florida heat. Everyone for the show is buying me drinks and putting cigarettes out on me.

And I had to go home. Boy, that is a rough one. I mean, the idea of going to like I'm going to have a nice, quiet drink and settle down and then it's, oh, yeah, I just I can't. Unless you're that guy. No, it didn't have anything. Like Burt is like, we're all going to this bar and then you drink and you go crazy. But to me, I'm like, if I drink, I want to be at the end of the bar listening to Tom

Waits fucking smashing down Jager bombs and IPAs and crying. Yeah. And texting my ex-girlfriend being like, you love me, you fat whore. Yes. Those were the days. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry.

Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. Cry. and they would tell us their life story. They go, oh hey, I saw the show. By the way, I am a deep sea fisherman. And you go, oh okay, yeah, I've been doing it

for like 50 years and thinking about getting out of it. I got into the crypto for a while and you're just sitting there going, I don't care. Well that's not a flaw, that's a drinking thing. Is that a drinking thing? When people are drinking, yeah, you think like, oh everyone wants to hear, that's why you fucking stop drinking.

Because when you're drinking, you're like, yeah everybody wants to hear some of this. Right. fucking stop drinking. Because when you're drinking, you're like, everybody wants to hear some of this. Right. You repeat yourself. The repeating is Jerry. The repeating is bad. But the weird thing is like a lot of these guys were they just showed up with me. It was their first drink. You know, like this. They followed you there. Why? I think the security guard showed up. I watched him get out of his car show up and he goes, Oh, hey, you're there.

I'll be right with you. He gets a cocktail. He was security at the theater. He gets a cocktail. He walks over and goes, yeah, I'm from outside of Philadelphia. I moved down here to retire. I got the security job. And I'm like, why are you telling me this? But they all did it. And I'm just sitting there and then you go, oh, I'm from New Orleans. And they go, I'm telling my story. And then you're like, okay, well, I guess you got the floor. And then they go and they go, I'm telling my story. And then you're like, OK, well, I guess you got the floor. And then they go, and they go. And then you have to just wait.

And me and Jack are like, and then they would tell you, you go, oh, get out of here. And then maybe they'll buy you a drink so you get something out of it. And then they walk away. Then another guy walked over and goes, yeah, I'm from Ohio. And I was a track star for years. And then I fucked my aunt and my uncle.

And then I had to move down here. And you're like, what is this? Is this how people can converse? Well, that guy, that sounds like my story. But I think that's what makes friends so wonderful and valuable in your life. Like you get like a Henry Philip. You go to a bar with a Henry Phillips. Just you could put you could hit mute yourself.

Right. Duck tape over your ass and your mouth and just sit there and he'll entertain you as not, here's how I grew up. He's like one time me and Mark Kohan were doing this and this happened, one time this was happening and you're on the floor laughing. That's what makes it so wonderful when you find a partner or friends,

and we're lucky because we have access to so many hilarious people. Yes, some of the funniest on the planet. And we meet plenty of those people too, by the way. There's plenty of comedians that I think are great comedians who also are like, well, I think next year if I could do my special and get that special on this special, and then that special will lead to this special. And you're like, what the fuck are you telling me you're planned for?

I don't care about your plan. One day, one magical day, I want to grab my sack, have a couple of drinks, and just wait and go, I don't care. I live for that moment, but I'm not mean enough. It's too mean. I know. I had the same problem.

The world would crumble. I say this all the time. Everywhere I go, I'm like, I just want that personality that's just like, you're talking too much. It sucks, and we hate it, I just want that personality. That's just like, you're too talking too much. It sucks. And we hate it. And please leave the room. I think that's why I got like, Patrice O'Neill was so intriguing, because he would say that shit. Right. And you're

in you're like, I don't want to say it to me. But if he said it to this guy, I wouldn't be upset. Right. Yeah, it's a good point. It's a it's a interesting characteristic that we do not possess. No, no. But that's why I got a lot of friends, because I just go, well, whatever. I'll just sit here listening to you. Same way. And I'm like, all right, good to hear you.

Nice. Growing up, I grew up with a bunch of mooks. And we'd all be in the car driving to some bar party, whatever, and we all were drunk. And one guy would be in the front seat going, I want shotgun. No, I'm getting shotgun. And I'm like I'm in the back I never made a stink about it and they'd be like this song sucks put on another song I'm like I don't like

any of this music but I'm just dealing with it right why can't they deal with it right yeah yeah what can you do what can you do that's what can you do for a Klondike bar a gay bar bar. Gay bars coming soon. This is going to be big. I really think what should we put in it? Some semen, obviously nuts. Yeah, a little nut. I guess you can't put semen.

It's like a salt or whatever. Oh, a salt, a salt and battery. Maybe there's kind of little subtle Tuesday ask jokes, nuts. Yeah, salt. It's all pipes. pipes in there butter butter face mmm trazodone yeah put some of that in there customers hey folks Tuesday stories brought to you by better help this episode is brought to you by better help

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One Friday, one sat and home on Sunday. Then me and the lady, we've been doing these Sunday dates because they say you got to keep dating when you're married. So, yeah, we did. We did went to the River Cafe. What's that? The river? Dumbo. Oh, God. Brooklyn. You can see right under the trunk. The tusk. Tuskety. You can see right under the... Trunk? The tusk. Tuscany.

You can see right under the Brooklyn Bridge. Oh, I know Dumba with the carousel. Yes, carousel. You can see the Battery Park as well. I guess that's your new apartment. And it was great. Great night. We had a rough sex.

Ooh, choking, scratching, bruising. Yeah, the whole thing. trazodone, everything. That's fun. You name it. You think you got a kid in there? I think this was the one. I shot a real Sandy Hook right in that home room, and I think something's going to happen.

Ironically, this will make a kid not take away. I can't wait. Woop, that's going to be fun. I can't wait. Yeah, well, we'll see. It feels like honkies are now having to really rely on the frozen egg or the UTI, what is it called? IVF? IVF.

Well, it's because we're in comedy. That's why everyone we know is a comedian. So it takes so long to have a successful career. By the time you're like, I can afford a kid, you're 59 years old. Good point. Because if I had a kid when I was 28, I mean, we would have been on skid row. Oh yeah. Well, I think a lot of the, uh, the, the people of color, they will, they will opt for earlier. Hmm. And even if they're not rich, they'll do it. Right. Whereas I think whitey wants a little cash. I suppose so. I mean, I mean, I just was, uh, yeah, I mean, I couldn't, I don't know how I would have, what I would have done. He would have been eating a piece of a yodel.

That sounds so bad. Yeah. Yodels are fun. I like a yodel. Yodel a hee-hoo. Uh, well let me shove some things. Oh, please. Sorry. I'm hogging with, uh, my Florida tails. No, all good. So I had a gig. I think I texted you this night. This was a little while ago. I forgot to talk about in the last couple of pods, get a gig from, uh from old Amy Hawthorne. Love the thorn. Yeah, thorn in my paw. Thorn in my side. Love Amy Hawthorne. So she texts and goes, Hey, I got a gig. It's

for I don't even know what it was for. It was like a fundraiser, but a thing. I never read any of this shit anymore. It just you just kind of scan down to that price and date. Yeah. And it was a weekday. It was like 500 bucks for a spot. Okay. I like your language. So I took a 15 minute set and it was that it was on Park Lane Hotel. Oh, sounds fancy. That's a classy hotel on 59th Street right there. Central Park South. That's a hot area. Right next to the plaza. Ah, yes. So you look out over all Central Park,

right by everything there. It's spectacular. Plaza cable. And I was off then. I had worked like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, not Sunday, I never worked Sunday, but I worked the weekend, and then had a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

and this was a Thursday, and Sarah had a spot. So we tried to work if she has a spot, I'd take the night off vice versa to be with the baby. But I said, Hey, I got a $500 offer here. Yeah. For 15 minutes. Can't beat it. That's, that's pretty damn good. Can't turn it down. So that's like a 10th of my rent here in New York city. So I go, let me go get it. So we go great. Her sister comes over. She watches the baby, The baby's sleeping anyways. I go out there. I said, let me just knock this out real quick. I don't know what it's for some kind of fundraiser, fancy place. So I go park lane. I'll put on a jacket. Oh,

so I put on a jacket. I got a fucking, you know, a new England Patriots shirt underneath and a pair of pants and whatever. That's a good look. I show up everybody's suits, big hair, news, high heels, leather skirts, dressed up to the nines, dim lighting. And it's like a five star hotel. So right away, I was like, Louie, when he's tucking in his t-shirt episode and I walk in and you like, Oh, what is this for? And it's, I still don't know what it was for. They're raising money for kids, but the kids aren't there. They're not parents, they're workers, whatever. And I look, it looks pretty diverse. They got good food bar. And I'm like, all right, this will be fine. You know, whatever. There's a

host and I'm going first. Yada yada. 15 minutes. I got to shoot home. Because I got the baby. We got a babysitter. So I go, okay, nice and easy 500 fucking cash boom bam a lot of simoleons in out Thursday after Thursday evening 15 you can do with your eyes open so it's one of these ones where the host goes up and you go this will be fine he'll do it he'll get them warmed up and then we'll get on our way and right away he goes up funny guy he goes up and just goes yeah so something something here's a punchline and I mean it was like I got a quick sweat I was like oh wow like that was like that was nothing oh boy so then he goes oh well anyways so scubba-da-boop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop- told them it was comedy night or if they I don't know what happened then he gets

them a couple times couple laughs you hear the room laughs you're like okay okay here we go doesn't quite hit then the next one does okay touch and go yeah and you're just kind of like well this is not hot but you always have this thing as the comic you go all right well I'll get you know what he went up cold yes it's brutal going up cold in comedy is the hardest thing. It's so brutal. Oh yeah, especially in a fundraiser. Absolutely.

So they're probably thinking, and he didn't get an intro or anything like that, he'll give me a good intro. They'll go, oh, OK. And then a lot of times, psychologically, people think, whoever goes on first sucks. The next guy, here comes the guy. Right, right. And you got some credentials.

So that can get in the psychology as well. So I'm going, this is going to be rough, but it's 15 minutes. But I bet I'll get them. Oh, I got a good feeling about this. So here we come. There is fucking YouTube special, Joe Lin. And so I try to riff a little. I go, well, YouTube, you know, I just want to say, I mean, they do well. They have millions of views.

You guys probably think anyone could do a YouTube special, but these ones, these are pretty successful. Very likeable. So everyone goes like this. Dead silent. I was like, wow, just, I thought that would be funny because you know, I just, I'm saying yes, they're on YouTube. I mean, I was on the Tonight Show too. And now they're just going like this. And I always say it's like a prize fight where you have trained, you're ready, you're punching yourself. All right, fight. And then you go out and they throw a jab and it just stuns you and you're like, fuck, I shouldn't have taken this fight. Yes,

that's what it feels like. You're like, I'm fine. So then I go, all right, let me just let me not goof around. I'm getting paid. This is a fundraiser. I gotta get them. Business time. Here comes my A material, my black people versus N words, my kids at the dentist. Can't beat it. My, you know, my... Seven dirty words.

What's the deal with Halloween, whatever. Oh, yeah. I hit them with it, Jerry. I hit them hard with the Picasso, baby. I busted out. Oh, he's not Italian. I mean, I busted out and boom. And it's like this.

I mean, nothing, Jerry. And this joke's got a million tag and tag and tag and tag and nothing. And finally, I go, well, what's going on? I go, I got to dismount and start improvising, get them, start doing a little OK, self-deprecate a little. They need to talk about the room. What is this? I don't even know what you guys do. What are you, the Illuminati? a little self deprecate a little. Sure. They need to talk about the room. What is this?

I don't even know what you guys do. What are you, the Illuminati? That kind of shit. Oh, that's good. That's getting a couple tees. Okay, because they like being talked to because it shows you're in the room. Yeah. And it's about them.

I do a couple of those. I got the back sweat, the front sweat, the dick sweat. And what are we at, a minute and a half now? I'm at maybe three minutes in. Hiya, hiya, hiya. And what are we at a minute and a half? Maybe three minutes in and I'm going, and I'm talking there blank stare. What the fuck? And finally I go, all right. And then I do this joke. Another joke, a material Zilch Jerry. Did you hit him with the touching paintings? I did touches. I did touches kids. I mean, I was giving them the good I went dirty. I went sex. I went fucking everything. And you know that thing where you eventually start going these jokes kill every night. I don't get it. Like everywhere, every night. Like

I'm not trying to be an asshole, but it's like- Out loud you're saying this. Oh yeah. Oh wow. Okay. So well that comes a little later that comes about 12 minutes in Okay, so I'm doing a bit that just works every night everywhere. Yeah, and they're going So now I start to get annoyed. I'm like, do you see why that would be a funny thing to say? And then a black woman goes yeah, we get it. Oh I can't hit with a we get it racial from a black woman Which is extra hurt because you just want black women to like you so much. You got that right, fatty.

So then I go, OK, I got the we get it. Now I'm getting some chocolate because now it's coming apart the seam. So now people are starting to laugh here and there can't look away. And I'm going, sir, can you help me? You're smiling. What are you? Are you the boss? Is this guy the boss?

Yeah, that's getting a laugh here and there. So it's getting to be a little bit. You know, you do is put this guy the boss? That's getting a laugh here and there. So it's getting to be a little bit something you don't you do is put this on the Patreon. So it's getting a little bit whatever a couple of chuckles here and there. And I go this guy, sir, can you this one table? Why does this? Could some of you move over here? I'm every trick. Every move in the book. It's getting a little bit. And then I do. Now I'm like, I'm starting to get them. Oh, wow. Clock's about to run out. I start doing some dick jokes and sucking my balls

and this and now that's hitting. I'm like, I guess I should have opened with the ball material. This lady looks upset, but you're not. And she goes, I am. Oh, Lord have mercy on us all. I go, okay, well, what are you gonna do? So, and I'm just praying for that light.

I think the other two comics are late. So now I have that feeling of like, I'm up here. It's my time to die up here. It's like in baseball where the bullpen is worn out. They just leave a picture in. They're like the manager give them the signal like it's you buddy. Right.

And you got to just give up all the runs. Your ERA is up the ass. So I'm just eating shit. And I go, yeah, you know, because, you know, balls are a thing. Different black lady over here. We get it. Jeez. I get some new material. What is this? A callback? I go, this is a different lady. So I go, okay, you get it. I went like this. Do you, do you get it? Cause it seems like you don't get it. Yeah. Because these jokes work, but. But now having a meltdown and then an Asian woman at the bar, I swear to God,

this is the craziest heckle I've ever got. She goes, try some similes. Wow. How about that heckle? Wow. Simmery. Simil. A simile. I go, well, what's the simile? I go, OK. Now, at this point, at this point, I don't give a fuck. I'm like, I don't I don't I'll get my five, even if they said that was so bad, you're not getting the money, I don't care, fuck it. Just let me leave.

So I go, what's a simile? That's like or as, comparing two things using like or as. Yes, yes. And I go, this gig sucks as much as my sister's fucking ass. And I'm just going, and now like the men are starting to laugh, this guy's breaking down. And there's a bunch of women just like this and then the woman the simile lady's like doing this she's ducking because it's like oh my god I'm so embarrassed but you're like well you yelled that out yeah this is your problem and I'm like I didn't know

this was simile comedy I'm trying to be simo silly and it was just off the rails. I haven't bombed like that since I can't even remember when 20 years the worst because you you know they're thinking this guy sucks and you're like I don't though well you guys are ruining everything because you're not getting it you're not laughing this is on you I literally the minute 19 I was like will you guys give me a favor and go look me up? Look me up. I got a standing o on The Tonight Show, Netflix, and YouTube, millions. Go read the comments on my special. I'm telling you, I got the goods, folks. And the black women are just booing and snapping.

And then I get home, a guy messaged, Tuesday, was that the show? That was awesome. And I'm like, a guy messaged, Tuesday, was that the show? That was awesome. And I'm like, awesome. What are you crazy? I almost took my own life. Seriously, I wanted to get a fucking bow and arrow and shoot it at myself. Wow.

So what do you think you did? 22? I don't know. It's recorded somewhere. I might have deleted it. Probably 18, 19 minutes. Well, you should get more money for going over. Oh, maybe you're right.

But that's why you get the 500, I guess, because they knew it was a hell gig. And did you see the other comics? Who were they any good? Gene Edwards was going on next and he was dying. I mean, he was he was video. I can see him in the back like videotaping and taking photos. And then we just he gave me like a big, you know, that comic hug of like, whoo, I feel you. Yeah, D-Day. And now I think they're really busted up because I'm like, I gave them, and to be honest, I

was getting some laughs by the end. It was like, I was getting laughs on like the, okay, it was almost like burr at the stadium. Right. Well, that sucked. Two more minutes. Oh my God. But I got two, we get it.'s and one try some similes I've never heard of a tip a try this in all my years I've heard you're not funny you suck you should quit you should kill yourself you never who told you you were funny I've heard I've heard next right but just try a simile Wow how about a metaphor what and I love the idea that I just do a simile and they're like.

Exactly, exactly. But yeah, no simile, but I got the money. And then it's always fascinating because now we're 25 years into comedy, I'm 59 years old. You walk off, in the old days you'd be bruised and shattered and I gotta redo my life. Now you just go, hey, let me just get a lift and get out of here. I guess you're a little shaken and you're a little wet. Well, you're like, that was crazy. But

the same jokes I did the previous 250 shows killed. Exactly. And not just for my crowd at the stand, at the cellar, at the wherever and bar shows, wherever. So you're like, oh, what are you gonna do? That's why I get annoyed with Jerry for all those years, was like, it's never the audience. Everyone's got an excuse. You're like, well, how could it not be the audience? That doesn't make any sense. Of course, yeah.

I'm saying the same thing I said the five previous shows. Exactly. What do you mean? Of course it's the audience. They're fucking, they're staring at me. I know, but at least you're secure enough to know and that comes with time and experience that you're like, well, that was horrible. That was crazy. Not a good event. I'll go home now. Right. You're not like, Oh, I need to rethink my career. Maybe I'll quit. Maybe

I'll be a mailman. Right. By the way, I say it's always the audience. I'm talking about when you're doing your proper AAS. I mean, when you do, especially you start over and you're like, is this anything? And they're staring at you. That's when you do especially you start over and you're like is this anything and they're staring at you that's that's on you that's probably on you yeah yeah but yeah this joke applause it's frustrating how flimsy comedy is because you're in a comedy club with those jokes you're killing you're in a theater with those jokes you're killing you put it in a fundraiser in a hotel ballroom or wherever the fuck you're at and it's ice cold. I just did

the Meridian whatever for Seth Herzog. He booked me so Will Forte is hosting. So I go this is a high level gig. Seth is paying me very well. Everybody's in a suit. The food is amazing. And I ate a bag of horse shit for 20 minutes. And you just go I don't know what else to give you. Yeah it's crazy. And that's the thing about comedy. That's funny, too, is you're like, well, I don't have any other bits. This is my act. I just have these bits to tell you. Yeah, let's all just get through it together, which I always think comedy should be like it shouldn't be insane to

end your set early. Sure. Like you're like, I'm bummed. You guys aren't enjoying this. Yeah. Good night. I know. You're like, just three minutes. I'm like, yeah, no, just nobody was having fun. But you do want to just go. You got to. You should know you're wrong here, though. Right. We're going off statistics and recordings. Oh, I should have caught that. Sorry. I was right at you. If we're going out here, hit me again with that. Hold on. Here we go. If we're going off statistics and numbers, one more,

you're wrong. There it is. That tasted weird. That's probably my breath. Thank you. Yeah, so I'm just saying, if we're going off of 800 other performances versus this one, I could really make an argument.

Well, comedy is funny. It is so much setting and also... And mood and vibe. And you don't want everyone to know each other. You want a mixture of a group. You want it mixed and then it's also big round table so it doesn't feel like a group. It feels like eight tables of people and they know each other and then they're all the bosses are there. And so they everyone's it's a work

environment. Right. I want to work environment. Oh, no, no, no. So but boy, oh boy, I was grateful for the gig. And then you're just in the car. Like, like I said, two minutes later, I got a podcast in and I'm like, I'm home 12 minutes later. Yeah, you robbed a bank. It was a little hairy, but you got out. And you're like that was crazy and then you're just like all right I'll watch the hockey game. At my meridian I got one of these that one was good. One of them kind of hit and I got a that one was good which is so fucking frustrating. Yeah it's very annoying and like you

said the hardest part is the ego of like you're leaving and you're like 100 people are like why'd they get that shitty guy? I know, I know. And you're like, no, no, I'm good. Yeah. And then you want to be like, man, I could show you some people. I know.

Which we've all had that too, where you're on a lineup and you're bombing and you're like, guys, I don't want to be this one. Yes. I've looked at the lineup. You better start enjoying this. Because that was me. That was me hitting back to the wall Chuck to shit. That was sheer fear right there sheer fear sheer fear So, uh, let me just know this thing. I don't know how much time we have. Oh

Once that Park Hotel our Park Cafe or whatever River River Cafe. Yeah, sorry I'm at the bar. The tables's not ready. Where are you at on this? A couple is next to me on the terrace of the restaurant. Proposes. Whoa. Big proposal. Four feet away from me. I go, hey, look at that. I point to the wife. I go, look at that. That's nice. The whole restaurant applauds or whatever. They go when they walk in. I want to be a big shot. So I go, get them two glasses of champagne on the big Kahuna here. How about that? Feels cool. I give them the champagne. They're at the table. No, thank you. Whatever. It's a nice restaurant. I get the bill. Try to guess how much the, the glass of champagne

were. Boy, I don't know. I don't know what champagne got. I'm gonna say 46 bucks. 68 for two glasses of champagne, which is outrageous. I mean, that's more that's six burritos. What's that $30 $32 $34 each? I guess so. I mean, I could have bought five bottles of champagne at the 7-Eleven. Thirty-four dollars for the glass of champagne? Two glasses, yeah. So I'm like, no that's a lot of money. I just basically gave these guys $70. I don't know them. Yeah. Do I go up and say, I was the champagne guy. Just want to let you know, you know, 70 bucks, that was on me.

How do you feel about that? I mean, this whole thing sounds wacky to me. Yeah, it was a huge mistake. I'm never sending champagne. All I wanted was this. Right. Nothing. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I don't know why you would do that. You know, we've been hanging out a long time. I don't remember any meals getting purchased for me, but I'll get you a meal. Well, maybe now you might. But I mean, two random people champagne. What is getting into you? What is this? Well, it was a nice night out. I had a blazer on. He had to wear a blazer for this place, by the way. You couldn't get in without a blazer. How about this? We're at the table. And I go, she was cold. The wife is cold. So I go, I'll take my blazer for this place, by the way. You couldn't get in without a blazer. How about this? We're at the table. And I go, she was cold. The wife is cold. So I go, I'll take my blazer off. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, you got to wear a blazer in here. And I'm like, oh, she's cold. I'm already in.

I'm going to eat my appetizer. And he goes, we'll get her a Pat Shima. Pat Shima, the guy from Karate Kid. Pashmina. Pashmina. Oh, Pashmina. They gave her a Pashmina. I don't know what that is either. What's the Pashmina? It's a scarf. It looks like a burka, but they put a black scarf over her and she's like, oh, thank you. And I go, we're leaving with that Pashmina. Now we're talking. This is more than Mark Norman I know. She's like, I can't leave with this thing. They'll tackle me. They'll tase me. I go, give me the Pash. So I took the Pashmina. We got a Pashmant at home. Now that sounds more like you. I mean, this buying champagne for random people. What are we talking about? Never again. Are you trying to get into heaven?

Well, I thought it was 10 bucks each, 11 bucks each. I want just a glass of champaign. I've watched you eat buffalo wings off of someone's table, pretend to bust a table and eat their food. Now you're buying champagne? Well, it was two glasses. They just proposed. It was a love is in the air. I felt I got an urge to. Okay. I'm for it. I like it. Well, new new year new you that page. Me. No was less than the champagne. I'll tell you that. So yeah, I mean, note that I'm a big thank you guy. I just had a similar thing. I can't get into it. But I was

buying it. Dinners left, right and center and an elder person elder, just not saying anything and does this. Do we pay? Yeah, we're all paid up. Oh, great. Okay. We are like, I don't understand. So what do you think? And all I want is just to, hey, thanks a lot. That's nice. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. I'm saying I'm buying dinner I want to name names Who's old and nobody know don't bother going in the comments go and I bet it was fucking cuz you know I see but you just like just shoot me. Uh, hey, all right. That's very nice and acknowledgement. Yes

That's all you want. That's all I want. It's a social contract and this is a this is a fucking That's all I want. The social contract. And this is a this is a fucking a person, you know, like a real not some fucking asshole. Yeah. And you go, all right. You just got to go about whatever. Still did service to the person. But yeah, that's how you got to look at it. Say that was nice. But random champagne is crazy.

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. Big mistake. And I had the whole dinner. I was like, I'm going to say something to the couple and she don't do it. You know, classic curb moment. And then I get up to leave and she's like, don't you forget it. And the table is gone. Now, you know what? I wonder if the restaurant just said this is, Oh, don't even fuck with this is free. Here you go. Oh, I'm furious. This is on the house. I mean, maybe they said it was from them, but if they said this is free here you go oh I'm furious this is on the house I mean maybe they said it was from there but if they said this is from this guy over here and the people didn't say oh thank you nothing that's great now were

you watching the moment they gave it I watched him walk over and then I was like they're probably gonna give me a thank you or a hat tip and nothing maybe they went to hat tip and you weren't looking yeah maybe but I was pretty they would make sure you saw yes so I don't like that one bit I don't either but I had to get that out okay well I would not do that again never again Jesus just heard the door like the Holocaust oh god except mine was real all right well what do you got coming up there? Sloppy? Jalopy? What day is it? It's fucking June 17th. Almost. I'm in Key West this weekend. If you happen to be listening in near Key West, come out to Key West. July 25th, Seattle, the crocodile. Is that what it's called? Poseidon. No, I think it's

crocodile. Does that sound right? I don't know. Crocodile rock to crocodile lounge. No, no think it's crocodile. Does that sound right? I don't know. Crocodile Rock to crocodile lounge. No, no, it's a crocodile. All right. Let me see. Let me see. Let me get the book out. No, that's in New York. It is the crocodile rock. July 25th, the crocodile. Oh, Atlanta punch line. July 18, 19, 20 and Portland, Maine, we added a show.

I think it's almost sold out. August, Milwaukee improv, August 2nd, 3rd, Mugubis. I'm back there. August 8th through the 10th. And of course, Tampa Sidesplitters, my favorite room. August 22nd to the 24th. And then the Cape Cod Melody tent doing a short set with along with Bobby Kelly, Lewis Gomez and Dan Soder. Oh, fun. Rich Voss is hosting.

Live regs. Yeah but we're doing stand-up on that one. I see. Yeah. All right I'm all over the road, Philly, Pittsburgh, I think I'm in Boston this weekend or I don't know when this comes out or when I'm on the road but Colorado Springs, Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, Colorado Springs, Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, ah, Spokane, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, ay, doing Oakland, doing some fun, some weird rooms.

So come on out, check the website, PunchUpLive, ah, slash our names, page to stage is up there, the Patreon's cooking. What do you got? Chuck E.

Cheese. Check out my podcast, fun bearable, funbearablepod.com. We'll be doing a live show at the Comedy Connection in East Providence, Rhode Island on Sunday, July 21st. It's going to be our 100th episode live. We're launching our shirts. I don't know who's going to be on it besides Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr, my co-host. But we're going to get some other people on it.

And yeah, we just had Zach Valencia on. That's going to be on. So check out funberbelpod.com. There you go. You heard it here first, folks. This is you and L. This is Tripp Payne.