Tuesdays with Stories! - #560 Eat Magoo

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

The boys are getting INTO IT about Mark Wahlberg and speculate on why any of his previous misdoings were perhaps innocent misunderstandings! Also discussed: OJ Simpson having experienced the best feelings a person can feel! Joe goes to Texas and sees a woman threaten a child as the boys share tales of war and baseball! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1 st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS - Get a free Mystery Gift with your first monthly shipment when you sign up at https://bespokepost.com/tuesdays - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! That's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to say. Yeah! Here we are! Put that in! Keep that in! Here we go! It's early! It's morning time. Hey, there you go. We got a pilgrim here. It's kind of a chef's hat.

It's not bad. Oh, I forgot about this thing. Someone sent us this. Oh, I'm not on the microphone. Someone sent us this. Oh, yeah. We've covered this. We'll hang it at some point. One day. We'll get it up there. We're getting out of this shithole. Yeah, we're getting out of this relationship. We got a new desk lady. She seems nice. We got to tell them by the end of this month. Oh, okay. We'll just say it right now. Hey, whores, we're out. We're going to frame this Creole townhouse mausoleum second empire. That's getting framed. We're going to frame this clock. Nice big wooden frame over this frame. A circular frame on the clock. We're going to frame Chuck for rape.

Finally get rid of him. Thank you. This Salacuse photo's going right up there. There it is. An all-time classic Salacuse. This is about Chuck right here. About 14 girlfriends at a time. He's got a big dumper, that Chuckster.

And this is from a television show that's pretty good. Pretty good show, pretty good program, although that season sucks, but... Very good show. What are you gonna do? It's a big day, June 24th for God's sake. Boy, we're in February over here. Yeah, if you like banked episodes, this is the one for you. If you hate them, just kidding. We're here. Chase Bank, Chase Utley. like banked episodes this is the one for you if you hate them chase bank we're here chase bank chase subtly chase black people down the street police that's

what you do you ever read Mark Wahlberg's Wikipedia oh I wrote on it that that's a spicy meatball well what's on? I don't want to get anybody in trouble. What's going on with a BP? BP? Oil. Batting practice? No, Brad Pitt. Oh, I don't know about Brad Pitt. You see this? It's bubbling. Don't tell me about Brad Pitt, because I love Brad Pitt. He's my guy. This won't hurt your feelings.

But is he going to be canceled? I don't think they got him anything, but he has all of his kids has changed their name from Pitt to Jolie. The wife hates him. Apparently beat the shit out of her on a private jet. Well, how long ago? I don't know, five years, four years. Does it feel like they're trying to get the heat off

P. Diddy here? P. Diddy's running around the towel, and then all of a sudden they go, hey, Brad Pitt did this. I stand by Brad, believe all Brad Pits. I like BP as well, and I don't like PD by Brad. Believe all Brad Pitt. I like BP as well. And I don't like PD. But I think this heat. I'm sure this heat. I just love Brad Pitt. I love him. By the way, you call the PD when PD doing the thing. There you go. So they call Pedro Martinez.

But anyways, I love Brad Pitt. So he beat up Angelina Jolie. Big whoop. She could use a smack and a half. She made Tomb Raider four. Yeah, didn't she make out with her brother or something? Oh, hopefully, I think that's hot. But hopefully he's innocent. I don't know. But I think he I think he went to think he rehabilitated and everything. Oh, yeah, he's no Ray Rice. But I love Brad Pitt. He's the guy. What was I gonna ask though? You think he ever drove around with Angelina when I'm just driving around with John Boyd's daughter? Oh, that's John Boyd's daughter. Yeah, which is great because he's not a pretty man.

No. But hey, she's a, I know you're not into her, but man, she's in my top five. Top five? Oh yeah, I got a weird five. You're not gonna like my five. Hit me with the five. Well, I got a... Mayplanter. Yes, with a bullet in her head. No, I like Amal Clooney. I don't know Amal Clooney.

That's my number uno, I'd say. Amal Clooney? Clooney's wife. I don't know Amal. Oh. I thought he was married to Catherine Zeta-Jones. No, Mall of America. A mall. Don't know a mall. I don't even know any of them.

Paul Mall. And malls are closing. It's all online, but I like that Natalie Port. Love Natalie Port. I met her in the Village. Whoa, short? Not the Village, by Arlene's Grocery. She was teeny. You could met her in the village. Whoa Short not the village by Arlene's grocery. She was teeny you could break her in half. Oh Do it right over the counter like a popsicle just a little she look like a popsicle stick She was teensy weensy peensy break me off a piece of that portman bar gay bars, yes and Syndication coming out soon coming soon, please

Get on that Mars or Milky Way or M&M. Milky Gay. Hey. A Milky Gay. That's how you come all over his face, a Milky Gay. Well, yay, yay. I put in my Uranus. So.

Who else you got? OK, I like that. M. Rada. I don't know any of these people. Emily Ratajkowski. She's a model. I don't know any of these people. Emily Ratajkowski. She's a model. I don't know models. All right, plus size.

She's in Gone Girl. She's Ben Affleck's student that he's cheating on his wife with. Oh, okay. Model two. It's been a minute since I saw that one. I don't know, I got nothing else. What do you got? I love- Oprah?

Emma Stone, big Emma Stone guy. I'm not into it. Emma Stone one. One, uno. Well, this is not in order. Oh, okay, okay. I'm not trying to name five. Emma Stone, Portman might be up.

This is all time. I guess. Cause I love like Grace Kelly and Cybill Shepherd. I'm like, I'm into that. Both very attractive. Very hot. I love a blonde. And I'm not, everyone's gonna be like, I'm into that. Both very attractive, very hot. I love a blonde. And I'm not, everyone's going to be like, what? I'm not taking sitcom Sibyl Shepard. I'm talking,

last picture show taxi driver Sibyl Shepard. I think she's the hottest ever. 69. Wow. Ever. Yeah. She's ridiculous. No, 69. She was like 13. You got to go like 75, 61. So, give me Cybill Shepherd, Brett Butler. Ah, beaten here. What are you, race under anal? Anal under fire. I like Beverly D'Angelo. I'm trying to think, because I like a D. Familiar with kind of person, you know.

Sure. You see them, they're a mom, I guess. The maternal thing is big. I do like a big fat mommy. Well, you know who I love. The one I always talk about. Joe Pesci. Where I got fucked on the, on Bonfire that one time.

You know who I love, the independent actress. She's in all the stuff. Oh, oh, oh, I know her. What's it do? She's on Louis. Oh. Hold on, I'll think of it. I'm all. Ronan Farrow, what's her name? No, she know her. What's it? Oh, she's on Louie. Oh, hold on. I'll think of it. I'm all Ronan Farrow. What's her name?

Oh, she's in Parker Posey. Parker Posey. Yes. She's my all-timer, which I told you this story before. I'm on bonfire. We're all picking our hottest woman. Then, as we're all arguing, I'm doing a bit, which no, I feel like no one ever knows what I'm doing a bit on podcasts.

I'm like Parker Posey is the hottest woman of all time. I'm doing this whole thing. And then all of a sudden it goes everyone put in 100 bucks. We'll have the audience vote. And I'm like, wait, what? I got to lose 100 bucks now? No one's going to vote for Parker Posey. No, that's subjective.

You duped me. Wait a minute. So is that a bit or is it not a bit? Well, she's very hot. I don't think she's the number one hottest of all time. Sure, sure. But I love her. But I wouldn't actually be like, we're betting money. If we voted, America's going to vote Parker Posey number one.

No, not going to happen. But I love Posey, I love Emma Stone, Lark Voorhees. Ooh. I just want to diversify. You got a big PC. Oh yeah. Beyonce. The WNBA lady.

Good thing about Texas. I would just listen to that. Whoo. Oh yeah. Beyonce. Good thing about Texas. I would just listen to that. Whoo! That song kicks ass. Who's the lady who went to jail in WNBA? Oh. My brain is shot. Yeah, mine too.

Brie Larson? What's her name? Rebecca Lobo? Brie Larson? Yeah, Brie something. Brie. Brie's company. Brittany Griner? Brittany Griner.

Put her on my list. Yeah, Grinder. Yes, yes. I'll grind her into a paste. I think she might be a big old Les. She's taken it to the hole. I'll tell you what, Julie, Julie Louis-Dreyfus. Ooh.

Primo. I like it, I like it. Four dead about it. Oh yeah. He took it out. Jennifer Aniston season one season two friends was crazy. Not like a little bit thick and had the short hair. Yes. The Bob. That was that was really something. She's a Greek. Is that right?

Half Greek. Aniston. Wait, is this is that accurate? That clock? There's no way we haven't been going for 20 minutes. Oh my God. I almost shit my tits. I was like, we got to get going here. Wait, I was going to say something a half an hour ago when you brought up Brad Pitt, because I thought it was going to be a good taking off point.

He beat up a Mr. Before that, did you hear about Pitt? I started to say it. Oh, I cut you off with that. Didn't I? Sorry. Pete Diddy had a towel on. No, wait, Pete. Oh, wait, it was about chase. Oh, it was about

Mark Wahlberg's Wikipedia. Sorry, beat up the Asian beat up the Asian. But he also was known for playing a game called kill the N word. Oh, he just played it. They were like, that was like the thing or it was kill or get pull up his Wikipedia. It was something in there. Hopefully it's get maybe it was get but they would run around chasing him and he's got several other cases other than just blinding the Asian guy. Did we talk about this already in the podcast? I think we've come up with Asian beating. I think he blinded the guy. Blinded the guy. So you think that oh that's crazy everyone makes a mistake but he also was playing

beat up the N word. Yeah well I feel like if you're going to hit a blinded Asian, it's the easiest to blind. I mean, they're halfway there. Oh, OK. But that but get the N word. Holy hell. This is appalling. But also, I'm like Donnie Wahlberg. Never hear about Donnie, but he's his older brother. There's no way Donnie was sitting at church, you know. That's true. You know, teaching him everything he knows volunteer work.

So yes, yes. He ain't no saint. No, he's he's the marks, the apprentice. But he wakes up at 3 a.m. and prays up or whatever. Are you sure we didn't talk about this? I feel like maybe I've said all of this on a podcast before. Well, now what's worse? Get the N-word or Wild Hogs? Is he in Wild Hogs?

I don't know. He's in Heaven Can Wait. He's in something where he's a priest that rides a motorcycle, which for some reason entices people. That seems fun. That's a good getaway. Well, it did crazy numbers. Big box office out there.

Wahlberg is a big box. Huge box. How's my wife? It is kill. It is kill the N-word. Oh! It wasn't like a sanctioned game. He just would scream it and chase. Oh, that's not the Olympics. It's not like a board game. They didn't buy it at Mattel or whatever. Parker Brothers, Parker Brothers, Parker Posey Brothers. And but

yeah, he would scream it and chase kids around beat them up. But you know, you're you're he's probably a victim of his time, time and place. It's not like he was born and then all of a sudden was like, Oh, you know what? I'll just pick this word and beat up these kids. Somebody, somebody taught that to him. So well, we had Dorchester. Oh, sorry. I could be wrong though, which I think is even worse. Yeah. It's well, it doesn't have the movies, but Dorchester has got some, some hair on it. Well, we had smear the queer. Oh Dorchester's got some some hair on it. Well, we had smear the queer. Oh, what does that mean? That sounds nice. You smear them

and then fuck them or a bagel. But I think we'd actually didn't have that. But I've heard of people doing it. I think you pick up poop and you smear it. Oh, gee, give it smear the queer a good he's going to be on a fucking letter somewhere. What do you call that? A list. Joe List. I forget. What do you got on Smear the Queer? Greg Girolto had a bit about it. That's the only reason I've heard of it. Smear the Queer.

I've also heard that. It feels more like one of those things. I think it was a Northeast thing. I never heard it, but when you're out doing the New England, that's impressive. I think that that's more heard it but when you're out doing the New England, that's impressive. I think that that's more like you're just calling your friend that though. It's not actually going after him. Yeah. Reputation. But you're not going after gay people. As in Mark Wahlberg's game, they're actually going after black people. Yeah. Kill is bad. Kill is bad. Chase them and beat

them up. That's no good. Yeah, this is like basically it's kind of like, it's almost like Red Rover. But you all kind of smash him. I don't know. It's like, it's kind of like it's almost like Red Rover. But you all kind of smash him. I don't know. It's like it's more just you're calling your friend that. It's like Red Rover. Red Rover was a hate crime. There you go. That's fun. Bend over, Red Rover. Good time. Yeah. Well, we had there was N-word knocking. Oh, we didn't have that either. I didn't either.

And then we there was also shit on the porch with the flaming. That's something. But that wasn't that wasn't specifically racially motivated. No, it was just we hate this guy. He's the douche on the block. But we never did that. I just saw it in the films and whatnot. We did like ring and run, ding dong ditch, which was the same thing. You ring the doorbell and then run, which I never really got. You answer the door and you're like, oh, no one's here. Right, right. What about TP? TP? With the toilet paper oh I think I'm telling petty yeah I mean I never

did much of that the only like the thing that was like crazy we did was when a house was for sale we all broke into the house and hung out in the house that was pretty wild so that was fun yeah that's a good time and you drink and I didn't drink that I was like 12 but everyone would go in they with piss in the house, which is funny to think about when you're buying a house, it's possible local teens have taken dumps and pisses in there. Maybe fuck, jerked off. Absolutely. And the previous family also pissed and shit in there, but probably in the toilet and flushed it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. We did a, we egged a house once and we got caught. Pretty embarrassing. It was a new house, we egged it. And I remember

running back to my buddy's house and he was so nervous that he ran in, opened the door, I ran in behind him and he slammed the door on me because he was trying to go quick. And I remember the door really, dang! So now I'm like, ah, on the living room floor. And then the guy, ding, dong. Yeah, I saw everything. So it was pretty bad bad we had to apologize and my dad yelled at me we had to write a letter this one doesn't make any sense but we a couple times we would order a ton of pizza to my house and then turn the lights off it would all hide behind the door like it would give you like a fucking whoo-hoo they're banging on the door and then the phone's

ringing. And then later they finally left. And then they were like left a voicemail being like, well, yeah, we're eating your pizza here, pal. But we didn't pay for it. How'd you just leave it? No, he left with the pizza. They were like, fuck you. So they brought it back to pizza place and they left us a voicemail like jokes on you. We're eating your pizza. I see. I see. I see. And I guess, you know, we're 13 years old. We just thought it would be fun to have them

make a bunch of pizza. I guess so. And then bring it over and then knock on the door. But we were like hiding right behind the door. And when you're 13, that's quite an exciting time. That's true. And they're getting mad. So they're just pounding on the door and you're like, hey, they're pissed off. But looking back, you're like, what the hell kind of prank is that yeah, you want that pie yeah, we're idiots Yeah, I don't even know who we would I guess we just pranked The chef and the driver right? Yeah, I was a pizza guy so I take umbrage with that Uh-huh not really, but I ate a lot of breadsticks out of the bag. Oh

Not really, but I ate a lot of breadsticks out of the bag. Oh Man, I was eating bread. I was that would just get a little pizza sauce right off that pie. Why not? Yeah, it was all right. I got a car full of food. I'm poor and this is this is primo Italiano, of course now did you ever? Rony you ever have a dame with bra and panties come to the door I had one hot mom and I looked in the back, there's eight kids playing around and blocks and whatnot and she was like, oh, let me get my purse there, cutie. And I was like, oh. And then you jerk off in the car after thinking about her.

Absolutely. You come on those breadsticks. Now I must have told this story at some point. Garlic sauce. But years ago, my cousin's bachelor party was at Uncle Dale's house over in Brockton, Massachusetts, city of champions. Got it, got it. Home of Rocky Marciano and marvelous Marvin Hagler. Oh, is that right? That's right. Rocky. The Rock. Yeah. So we had the big bachelor party, he was at the house. We just sat, he had an in-ground pool. It was one of

those ones where you're like, let's just have the party at the house. Fuck going out, whatever. We'll have strippers come to us. We'll hang in the pool. We'll drink beers. We'll make steaks, whatever mistakes. Sure. So we wanted a bunch of pie to be delivered. Now, Dale works for the city. Civil service. Exactly. So he just moved in, you know, he's a, he wears a uniform, the whole thing. Now, Tom Dustin and I, we thought this would be classic. We both get fully butt ass naked and each of us get on one side of the living room. So while the delivery guys given the pizza Dale's paying, I go, Hey, I didn't know you were here. And he's like, you're here. What are you doing here? And we walked over to each other like, hey, great to see you both naked behind.

Oh, fun. So now it looks like we have an assortment of naked people. We didn't even realize it looks like a big gangbang. Oh, big gay gang. Big gay gang. But plus it's like 50 cars and music. And so we made it look like, you know, Lieutenant Campbell's just having a big naked fuck party. And he was that thrilled he thinks it's funny now sure but at the time it was like what are you doing well he's gonna get shit on the force he's gonna get smeared the queer yes exactly I got a job I work down the town down the

street yeah he's a fireman every time he gets on that pole and ride in the pole again you know the gay jokes galore but it's pretty fun to have while you're paying for pizza. This delivery guy is probably still telling the story. So he's like, well, one time I went to this, uh, hot fireman with a big dicks. Sure. And these two men with little dicks walked behind and hugged. Yeah, that's a good time. I mean, that's a story for the ages and the, that'll, that'll make the circuit. By the way, maybe I shouldn't be telling this. It's like sexual harassment and assault now. You get naked. But we're in the house. What's the policy there?

You're in the house of his dudes. And we did. We could always plead ignorant. If that went to trial, we'd get off. Oh, they think Weinstein got off. No, I think he's in jail. I believe he's out. Is he? Well, I think he was proved innocent. I don't know. I know of space. He got off as well. I don't know. I know if Spacey got off as well.

I haven't watched that doc. You watched that doc? That's a doc? New doc. Damn, they're pumping him out quick. I know and they're all cookie cutter horse shit. A lot of b-roll. Mm-hmm. Ladies and gentlemen Tuesdays with stories. This is Blot to You, Blot to You. Brought to you by Blue Choo. I just couldn't wait to say blue because I love BlueChu. Planning that summer trip but worried your dick won't perform out of state? Been there. Before packing the sunscreen and flip-flops grab your BlueChu tablets. BlueChu is an online service that sends ED medicine right to your door. Don't

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That's nothing. That's bluchu.com. Promo code Tuesdays to receive your first month free. Visit bluchu.com for more details and important safety information and thank you Blu Chu for sponsoring the show. But anyways. It's weird. This is kind of a weird article. Harvey Weinstein staying in NYC jail after case overturned. Oh, okay. I saw a big headline and everybody was furious. Doesn't it feel like it's really hard to get into jail because everything's like appeals and all the thing and

then Trump to like he's not going to jail but're like, I didn't follow any of this stuff. It's like 34 counts of guilty, but they're like white collar. They don't do that. Plus the appeals, plus this. And I'm like, well, who goes to jail? Well, it ain't the kooks in my neighborhood because you have to have a gun charge to stay in jail. They go to jail. They come out in the next day. Right. Bail reform. Thank you. So I don't know who's going to jail. Hunter Biden's doing blow off my sister's ass. Yeah. So it's a lot of I think appeals and everything. I never understand that in a court.

They'll go like guilty. I always get annoyed by in the movie Philadelphia. They find the guys guilty, you know, of discrimination. And then Mary Steenberg goes,, we'll see you at the appeal. And I always got bummed about that because you're like, wait, what? We're at the end of the movie. What happened with the appeal? I know. Do they not get in trouble? It's like a weird ending to the movie.

I don't know. I don't know. Yes, not appealing, but an appeal. I don't know anybody appeals. And all I know is Instagram. Hey, you got flagged. And I appeal it. And then maybe I get back on. Oh, yeah. But then with jail, it's like, I'm used to the movie. You are guilty. Click, click, click,

click, click. Yeah, you know, boom, you're in jail behind bars. That's it. There's jail. There's bail. There's all this other stuff. And I've definitely said this before. I've read the OJ book run of his life by Jeffrey to been your boy. Barter. Great book. Highly recommend, but to be one of the things that really stuck out in my tits was he said, when you're found innocent, that's the end of it. There's no red tape. There's no signature. You leave. Okay. You're sitting there. OJ Simpson's been in jail for six months, the trial, the thing, he killed his wife, he killed her friend, whatever. Yeah. And they go innocent that he leaves like

everybody else as he should. Don't you picture like you got to go back to jail, get your sign, a thing you live in jail for three more days. But it's like, that's the end of it. You're just a guy. You're just like, see you later. He just gets in his car and he drove home. That's a great feeling. Just let me go. I'm done. And there is the online stigma. Of course. But as a as an innocent person, it is nice to just go kick those doors open and get in your car and drive home. Unbelievable 1996, not as much online stuff. And that must be one of the great for he got to experience the greatest feeling of all time.

Chopping your OJ. Oh, yeah. Chopping your whites head off. Right there. Awesome feeling. Very nice. stabbing the fuck out of some nerd who forgot his glasses. Oh, dream about that. And then what? And then you're just home going Holy shit. I'm done. Crazy. That was it. I'm on the news. He has a distinct fucking colorful memory of just chopping his wife's head to the bone. What you got with a kitchen knife. I mean, just wild. And then there he is a year and a half later, like,

in the Bronco riding away. You got to be kidding me. Unbelievable. He's like, I'm going to go watch a flick. I mean, why do you think he's on Twitter going, hello, Twitter world? And he's playing golf with a big smile here to ear. Unbelievable. So here's to you, OJ. Cheers.

Here, here. I mean, he did go to jail eventually. Yeah. Well, he's a big fuck up piece of shit, but... Apparently. But hey, he had a good run thereafter. Which people will take this serious, too. I used a clip where I was talking about OJ about how the bill still had his number retired. I'm like, that's

pretty fun that they're like, most everyone's so PC. We got to take down the statute, change the name. But they're like, no, no, his number 30. No one's wearing this number again. He rushed for 2000 yards. Fuck you. That was the bit. And then I had the thumbnail was RIP OJ. And someone was like, RIP OJ? Are you kidding me? He's a disgust, this is disgusting. I'm like, well, it's a bit. I don't know.

I don't want him to rest in peace. First of all, he's dead. I don't believe in resting. I feel dead. It's fascinating how little people understand comedy. They don't get the jokes. I'll do a thing where I lift my notes out and I go, don't worry, these are just swastikas.

And a lady will be like, what, why? Because it's humorous. That's what makes it such a funny not. These are just swastikas. And a lady will be like, what? Why? Like because it's humorous. That's what makes it such a funny situation. Yeah. There's writing on there. You see, there's no swastikas. That's why it's funny to say. Yeah, you get it. Now, what do you think of this? Please. The other day, I'm in Kingwood, Texas, which, by the way, I was at the bagel shop and this guy walks up and he was like,

Oh, what the fuck? Joe List, what are fuck Joe list. Wow. What are you doing in Kingwood? Which is it's one of these town. It's a very affluent red, you know, Christian. I see. And so I think they're like, whoa, it's like a suburb. You know, it's like way out and wherever. So I think to be seeing like New York comedians, this guy was like, what the hell is this? I get it. Yeah. It's jarring. Right.

He's like, this is crazy. And I was like, my wife's from here. And he was just kind of like, you got to be kidding me. Yeah. It's not like he was he was shocked. It was like he saw Brad Pitt at, you know, an Exxon Mobil in Tennessee. Beat the shit out of Sarah. I'm trying. Yeah. Tough. Beat it up. But but anyways, I was out in Kingwood and I saw this.

What do you make of this? Give me your feelings. Give me your two cents or a quarter if you want. Oh, I just thought sorry You want to do it because I can remember mine. I got it written down. Wait, what say what? Whatever you want to say. Oh, I was just gonna say First rule of Fight Club. Don't talk about Fight Club with Brad Pitt. Hey Angelina, sorry, it just hit me. Tweet that. All right gonna be funny, because people will see the tweet and then this will come out nine weeks later. That's true.

That's gonna be funny. Alright, hit me, fatty. That's good. That's something there. That's big, no. I'm sure someone's tweeted it. Yeah, maybe. Ah, jeez.

But, are they as famous as you? Ah, who the hell knows? You know, if someone famous tweeted it, you know, you gotta be like, oh jeez, Michael Ian Black got it. Right. But if it's fucking at suck my dick 41 oh he's good you didn't take it from him no right here on the spot we got proof just thought of it anyways so yeah you're beating your wife at a bagel shop oh kingwood we're driving and this girl teenager has a car and on the back it said, or I guess she's not a teenager, it says, just turn 21. Okay. Buy me a drink. Venmo Cash App with her handle. Jesus Christ.

What do you think of that? I don't care for it. I'll buy you a drink in person. You drink it in front of me. You put something in it, but this sending you money because you're 21, I don't care for it. I got a big beef with this is a peeve. Doesn't this feel like the time we're living? Doesn't this sum everything up? Look at me, you don't know me, everyone turns 21. Entitled. I'm 21, send me money. That's, have you seen the new Quinn?

Doc. I haven't watched it yet. Special. I'm a terrible friend, I'm a bad comedy consumer. There's a lot of things out there, you're all right. I got a child. It's a month old, you're fine. I'm very sleepy. But he has a whole bit,. A lot of things out there, you're all right. I got a child. It's a month old, you're fine. I'm very sleepy.

But he has a whole bit, he's like, it's funny how much we've changed. In the 60s, we're like, ask not what your country can do for you, what you can do for the country. Now the president's going to come out and go, if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me. It's a great bit, but it's true. I've seen the bit, yeah. It's entitled.

It's like, hey, I'm 21 now, I didn't do anything. I didn't accomplish anything. But I need your money. It's just so crazy. And I guess but I guess take a swing. Maybe somebody does. It doesn't hurt. You know, but I guess you could get her number that way, too. Like, hey, I got your Venmo. Here's a dollar. Call me. Well, she wasn't desirable. Ah, they never. Yeah. She's a fat, dumpy loser.

But yeah, but I guess. desirable. Ah, they never. Yeah, she was a fat dumpy loser. But yeah, but I guess shoot your shot as the kids say these days. But shouldn't there be an exchange of service for money? Well, not anymore. Now it's gimme gimme. But we I mean, we have a Patreon, which you should sign a gay fathers. Oh, that's a game changer. And they got another new one coming. And we're doing Q and anal every week. And that's a game changer. And they got another new one coming. And we're doing Q and anal every week. And that's been really fun.

Yeah. Looser, looser, goosey or pair of buddies over here. And you're getting in the real deal. It's not as performative. It's like, hey, welcome to the club, mofo. Yeah, we take our tie off. We let you in. There's like one of these. You look at your eyeballs, you close that you welcome in. And we're letting the explicit of sly. What's the password?

Queef come on in and see the real deal calling queef So come on in get on that patreon and that gay fathers. We made it all good fella Z and it's really well done We got another one of being Soder. Yeah sodas in there. We got a lot of Soder. Yeah, he's got a big head and a lot of jokes. Yeah, so get in there, get on the ground floor. Ground floor, it's been open for 10 years. But anyways, this lady just wanted us to send money and I thought of it only later. I should have Venmo requested her like a thousand bucks. Oh, that's not bad. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Yeah, I'm 41. What's the difference? You didn't do anything

I got a real problem with this these comics are going stage and they go so I just turned 38 Nothing nothing on that You didn't do anything now and 38 is like a bullshit age anyway, right? Hey, I just uh Just bought a dog Nothing on the dog you guys hate dogs. We don't hate dogs. I'm waiting for a punchline. You come guzzler. Give me something. You shoot. Yes. Yes. I agree. I told you there was a guy at comic years ago that had a set list and in the set list it said how about it for

the troops? Just said it. There was no joke. He just wrote that down. Let me just say give it up for the troops in the middle of this. And then he's getting, oh, he's like, man, I'm killing. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm getting applause break on that. I said, give it up for the red socks, give it up for the troops and give it up for my asshole. My birthday. I got married. I'm 38. Yeah. It's all gold. Yeah. And by the way, I don't want people to clap. I go, I got, I just had a baby. People clapping like, no, no, no. I get out of the way. I got, I got a, I just had a baby. People clap. I'm like, no, no, no, I get out of the way. I got a, I got a bit to tell you. Yeah. I'm going to kill it. It doesn't matter. Exactly. The more they clap, the more they're like, well, you're going to be appalled when I start exactly. Exactly. So yeah. Yeah. Enough with the

waiting for the applause. Just do the bit entertain with it. They don't do that in singing, you know, Deontay is not like, I had an abortion. You just you just listen to it. Just belt it out. I also hate this goes back to I'm still bitter about when Sarah and I roasted each other. These people, this is why it's hard to roast a woman, because it's like women's type or whatever. I'm like, Sarah used to be a stripper. Well, clapping, right? Oh, God, I'm fucked.

Oh, you're done. Because the punchline is, what a dirty, filthy whore this bitch is. And then all the women are like, yeah! And I'm like, all right, well, I guess, nevermind. Then she's like, he used to be a cop, boo! Oh, I saved lives. Right. And I'm the asshole,

but I'm with you on that. I heard a girl go on before me and she was like, so I'm doing OnlyFans and everybody's like, oh good for you, that's empowering and you're taking the power back, whatever the fuck. And then I went up and I was like, Greta Thunberg, I'm excited to see her on OnlyFans eventually. Oh, and I'm like, wait, I thought it was empowering.

Which one is it? I thought she's a hero for showing her clam. Right. I have a point. Yeah. Well, I think the issue you're running into is Greta Thunberg's retarded and underage. She's 21. Oh, is she? I googled it. I apologize.

I thought she was 11, but she's been around a while, hasn't she? But she is retarded, right? I don't believe, but also retarded people should have the same rights as every other person. Autism autism I think Everyone does Chuck for sure look at that shirt and hair But yeah So I'm just saying which one is you can't have it both anal right? Is she 21 years old?

Oh nine years old isn't that her whole thing? Right. Is she 21 years old? Unless she was 9 years old. Isn't that her whole thing? No, she's on a steam ship and a hang glider and she's 21. How long has she been around? She's just been around a long time. At one point she was 12. I mean, I know she was. Wasn't she famous

and 9? I think. And I followed that whole ride, baby. That whole gasoline powered what? She's 21. She was born in January of 2003. Oh, she's over the hill. But still you see my point. Absolutely. Hey, OK. That's all I like. That's all I needed. Now how about this? Here's another. Of course. Yeah, I always see your points. I like your points points. Point set up point. Magoo. Mm hmm Point Pleasant. You know that story? That Henry Phillips story,

Point Magoo? He had a, there's a, you know, there's a town called Point Magoo. I didn't know that. In like Northern California. It's like a military base. Ah, Magoo. And he was doing a joke and he says, he was on stage out there and he goes, yeah, I love Point Magoo. Whenever I, whenever I have sex with my wife I pull out and point Magoo and it's a laugh and then her friend was like, oh That's such a funny joke and she tried to tell it to her friend Oh, my friend Henry is so funny, but she couldn't remember point Magoo. So she's like, oh, there's this town out there called aim Magiz She goes so whatever I fuck he says this is what my friend Henry says.

Whenever I fuck my girlfriend, I always pull out and aim my jizz. And then the guy she's telling the story, there's like, there's no time called a my jizz. He's like, what are you talking about? I'm a British guy. So I pulled that out of her ass, though. Aim a jizz is hilarious. Pretty good. But it's funny. The guy's like, your friend sucks at comedy.

He just made up a town called Aim My Jizz. hilarious. Pretty good. But it's funny. The guy's like your friend sucks at comedy. Right. Just made up a town called aim. My jizz. Anyone could do that. Why don't I just say, Oh, there's a town called come inside my asshole. Right. Exactly. And so she's inadvertently making Henry look like a fucking idiot. Uh, but aim my jizz is hilarious. So I'm doing two nights at a eat Spunk. You guys gotta come by. Two shows. It's gonna be sticky. Boyt Magoo, Amy Maggis. By the way, hang out with Henry. That's one of a thousand stories of equal or greater...

All bangers. All bangers. He's a beast and great. You want him by a fire. You want a fireside chat with that guitar and that mug. Absolutely. So go watch him watch his films. I'm in one of them. Folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by, you know what I'm about to say, you know who it is, Sheath Underwear. Let me see if I got the sheath on. Sheath Motherfucker. Look at that. Sheath Underwear. I love giving myself a

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You got that right, Faddy. Hey, hey folks, Tuesday Stories brought to you by Bespoke Post. Oh yeah, life doesn't have many mysteries anymore. Shake things up with Box of Awesome, the monthly box filled to the brim with cool shit. I got one of these boxes, it swivels, it looks nice, things up with Box of Awesome, the monthly box filled to the brim with cool shit. I got one of these boxes, it swivels, it looks nice, it's got a nice finish. I keep my AirPods in it, my pens, some drugs. It's a good looking box. Get on it. Find your

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with your first monthly shipment box of awesome dot com slash tuesdays promo code tuesdays uh... alright there's another one from Kingwood, Texas. Okay. Getting a lot of content out of Kingwood. Well, I was down there in KW and it's a different world down there. Oh, yeah. It's, you know, like I went for a run and I run by these stables. It's just horses. It's weird when you're just, you're just running from my wife's mother's house and there's horses. It's a different planet. It's crazy. And then there was like 15 giant pickup trucks in a row and all the dads are in the trucks with the AC running just

kind of sitting like this, like waiting for their daughters to come out of horse class or whatever. It's oil town. And they're just sitting there and it's you're running. It's just like 15 of the biggest trucks you've ever and you're like eating the exhaust. I'm like dying. Yes. Yes. Eat my goo. And they all look exactly the same. And then I run by and then I see all the girls with the moms and the moms have the big hair. Everyone's got a dress with

the cowboy boots and too much makeup. And they're all like talking about horse life and they hate AOC and they're all the same people. Oh, yeah. It's just horse life and they hate AOC and they're all the same people. Oh, yeah. It's just horse life. And they're just fascinating. That's that's all that. No, that is fast because you step into that world and you dip a toe and you go, this is wacko. It's like another life.

And then you come back to New York and you get shit on and a bird fucks your mom and you yell that. If you see a horse's a cop on it. Good point. Or it's pulling some tourists. Yeah. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr six hours and then a you know ex-con goes come on you fucking hits the horse with a whip throws an ode at it but uh as far as horses go throughout the annals pretty good yeah they're not getting a jousting stick to the eye or riding into war right or uh you know in a wagon full of. Come, thank you. Back on the wagon.

Eat my goo. So I'm just saying, like, it sucks, but horses used to get fucked. And I think they're meant to work or something. Sure. I don't know. Like the Iditarod. Yes. That's a fun word. I did a rod. I did a rod. Yeah. But I've used this as example. The horses in central park.

I use this. I can't speak anymore. I use this as an example of like how I'm so susceptible to debate. I read a whole thing one time about like we need to get rid of the horses in central park. It's abuse. They're kept in horrible conditions. And I read it and I was like, I'm donating. That's right. Get rid of these horses. I agree. And then I read a counterpoint that was like, this is a, all these immigrants use this as their job. They came here from the Czech Republic. They're going to, what are they going to do? The clip clop is part of the city. The nature of our fabric. This has been around for 5,000 years. And it's the number one spot to get engaged. People

want to see the city. And I read that and I was like, we got to keep these horses. Yeah. And that's one of those ones you're like, all right, that's all the brain power I have you guys decide. You're rusty. That's most things in life. You're like, yeah, that's you guys figure that shit out. Well, that's why debate is important. But also things are nuanced. There's two sides to every dick. And so you got to, you took both in. Most people just go, I read the one thing and I'm moving on. I'm going with my thing. It's

the concrete is dried. I'm moving on. Right. You took both in and you realize this is above my pages and you moved on. I try to take both sides in, which I was thinking that when I'm in Kingwood, I can talk to these people and go, I know the fucking the left is crazy. It makes me nuts and this and that and the other thing, all the things we're always talking about. And I come back to New York and I'm like, these people are crazy. They think, you know, whatever abortion and the thing and he's evil. They all look the same. They all dress the same.

They all have the same views. They're all, they all think God is real. So this, this, this ebbs and flows. I can dip a toe everywhere you want to go but good to dip a toe that's healthy. I love a dipped toe so toe jam. What the fuck was I gonna say? An Earl. Oh but then we go to Aldi you know Aldi? Oh no I know. Al David. Oh, yeah. Big Al. Yeah. Al Qaeda. Big Al. Al Qaeda. Yeah. That sounds like a guy.

You don't know Al Qaeda? Kind of. Kind of. Woo, boy. All right. What were you saying there about Aldi? That's a good store. How about all these groups in a row? There was like Al Qaeda, ISIS, ISIL, ISIL,

ISIS. Oh yeah, I forgot about ISIL. Then there's Hamas. And then there's also Taliban. And Hezbollah. Hezbollah, yeah, that's another one. They're extra spicy. How about this for a sitcom? The Mossad Couple. Hey, now we're talking. It's the two Jews who disagree about everything. That's nice. Okay, we have something. But any farts. So why can't I remember what this fucking stupid? Oh, is that Aldi? Yes. I never one of these guys. Maybe you're like me. People talk about specific grocery stores. Yeah. Oh, you gotta go to fucking fucking H.E.B. Trader Joe.

You got to hit up Aldi. Yes. I don't know. Just it's groceries. If you're getting hung up on a grocery, it ain't baseball cards. You go, you get your bricole check. Charcoal briquette. You get the fuck out.

I just don't get it. Well, have you ever been to a fucking Bob's blue, blue, blue? Oh, you got to go to Vaughn's or Ralph's. They got the best deal on cheese. OK, give me air conditioning and wide aisles. Yeah, I'm fine. Aldi or H.E.B. or Emerald Isle, whatever it is. But anyways, we go to Aldi and we're shopping around.

We got the baby and Sarah, whatever. Then there's this woman, I think a grandma, she must have been her 60s. She had like an eight year old and a seven year old. They come in, the doors open, she walks in, it's like this. You're the one hung up on it. You keep bringing up the same fucking thing. If you bring it up one more time, I'm going to take you outside and beat the fuck out of you. I swear to God. This is a grown old lady bitch piece of garbage. Just

shouting like an eight year old kid the kids like oh my lord I'll take it she goes you're the one that's hung up on it I'm like you're she's a child it's a crazy way to talk to a youngster of course they're hung up on it they're a kid right you're hung up on it you're screaming in public threatening violence on this child good point but anyways what do you do there because I want to fight this one. I bring it up, but she probably has a gun and she's got a gun. Whatever. These kids are going to be abused and then they're going to do their kid. They're going to do it to their kid. And the story goes

now these people are going to cause crimes and what do you call it? A great film. They're going to cause violence. Yes. They're going to revolt. And what a just a bag of shit. I just think screaming fuck in a grocery store. Cuckoo is insane. I agree. We let the explicit of fly here and we're in an office building. We're living in a society. But I always yell at certain I won't name names, but certain friends. I'm like, what are you crazy? Yeah, I've seen you do it. This fucking thing

is not like what are you doing? We're at a pizza shop. A restaurant. Yeah, yeah, right. A pizzeria. This is nuts. I'm with you. And just threatening, kid, you fucking piece of shit. She's like, I'll beat the fuck out of you.

Famously at that great point, we were hanging out with a comedian, a Afro-American, and it was, and we're this and we're that, and you're like, it's still a curse word. It'd be like going cunt, cunt, cunt, cuntunt this cunt over here and that's my gut cut, please you know that was Yeah, I'm like what are we doing? There's like children around yeah I know exactly like a boy right there, and he's like, but I'm black and you're like, but it's still a curse you're still saying F-word f-word even if you're gay it's still a problem yes say yeah I don't care say the other word but like what there's a waiter sitting here yes agreed anyways but yeah so that was I guess that's not much of a story but an old lady threatening her children

and I'll beat the fuck out of you and fuck you this and I had to leave I was like I'm gonna go out to the other to the car well Well tell me if this is autism. Is that wrong? That clock? Okay. Oh okay. Got you. Is this autism? Two videos I've been watching. First of all I watched a documentary on Aldi. What? Not a doc but a YouTube 20-minute thing about Aldi. Literally the grocery store I'm talking about? Yes. Wow. Like because grocery stores are having a moment and I'm not an Aldi stand. I'm not like an Aldi head or a Trader Joe head, you know, but I'm just saying

they're all very different and a lot of them collapse after a while. I see. And the reason certain stay is because they make certain choices. Like Trader Joe's is cheap as shit and they sell their own stuff. Oh, OK. Whereas another one, Whole Foods is all, hey, what do you got from the farm? We'll we'll jack it up. A pair is thirty eight dollars. Right. Healthy. Yeah. So Aldi has a few limited items and that they're always smaller. And then they do a couple things.

They have less air conditioning and they don't pay the Mexicans. There's some reason they have a, but they're working and they're blowing up everywhere. Interesting. Yeah, all these different. No kidding. Well, that's like the bars here in New York off the wagon, down the hatch, 13th step.

They have all these- Happy hours. They have all these specials. Yes. And they do all these things different. Canter worked for them for years. And they're doing great. There's like 30 of them now. But one of the things he mentioned that they did, they got rid of oranges. They crunched the numbers.

That's what I'm talking about. They did the number thing and oranges are fucking expensive, they go bad, whatever. And so we would be there, and I used to hang out there all the time, and Canter would work there, and people would be like, can I get a, what's the orange? Blue moon. Blue moon, and like, I didn't get an orange. They go, yeah, we don't have oranges.

Yeah. And what happens is everyone goes, no orange, and they go, no. And they move on. Move on. All right, and then he just drinks his thing. Like, nobody's like, I will never come to this bar again. And you're like, we're saving whatever, $7,000 a year on oranges. That adds up.

And nobody is going, I won't go back to that bar, I need my orange. Exactly. We don't do oranges. Well, what's the famous one? I think American Airlines took one black olive out of each salad and they saved 10 million a year. Oh.

Give that a go. I think- I might have made that up. No, Chuck, yes, he did. He said, yeah, yeah. Oh, not 10 million probably. Sure. Yeah, so there's- But yes, that goes along. So Aldi figured out all these weird little savings.

But that's also what fucks you. These these airlines, they go, we'll take two more inches and put another seat in. If you take two inches from every row. And now we're all sitting with our knees up our ass. And then you stop going. You know, when you start nickel and dime too much, the other ought to. Well, you got one. Yeah, it says 30 years ago, American Airlines hit a cost saving idea through analysis.

They established removing one olive from every passenger salad would save $40,000 a year. Had to be a black olive. Factoring in inflation, this is a yearly saving of around $100,000 today. Wow. Well, that's like, I lost it already. What was I gonna say?

You gotta have more similes. Something, what was I gonna say? You gotta have more similes. Something. What was I gonna say? My brain is mushed out. Yeah, it's early. It's mushy. It's early. The baby woke up at four o'clock in the morning. You can't go back to sleep. So you try to rest, but you're like, I'm all pipes. Can I just say this as a friend and I commend you. Oh, thanks. On your ability to have a bunch of bad shit happen and just keep going. Keep it on. Got a role with the assholes. My lady has one toe steps on a Lego. I mean, it's World War Three. She blows up the Iron Dome, it's Thunderdome, it's a holocaust.

Well, you know, we're telling dick stories for a living here. It's not roofing, so it's not bad. Sure, but I'm saying she steps on a thumbtack and she'll kill a village. I mean, I hear you. I appreciate it. I'm doing my best. I got to go from here to the regs. And I'm worried I said all this before. Oh, it's all we did a whole Aldi two years ago. No, I'm just kidding. Now, here's the other autistic thing. The Wahlberg thing. Possibly. You're saying no.

I think telling dick stories is hilarious. Oh, well, I think I would remember kill the N word. No, I don't think we told. OK. Because that's I'm going to get that tattoo. But remember Kill the N-word. No, I don't think we talked about that. Okay. Because that's, I'm going to get that tattoo. But the other autistic thing is now I'm hooked on this. It's an Indian fella and it'll just say, did we talk about this already? It says Kurt Russell and it's just a scrolling thing of his first movie, second movie, third

movie, and it says the box office. I don't understand Indian thing. He's an Indian guy, he goes, Oh, it's a man. Yes, yes. Oh, oh, oh, I thought Kurt Russel, I was confused. An Indian thing, Kurt Russel. Yeah, from India, you know.

A man from India has a video. Yes, yes, Big Trouble in Little China made 60 million whatever, and then it says like hit, semi-hit, blockbuster, all- time blockbuster. Interesting. And I watch all of it. I'm hooked to Mel Gibson, Tom Hanks, Liam Neeson, whatever. No, I mean, that's your see, you're always been a YouTube guy.

I love YouTube. Oh, now I watch John Boy, I'm a big John Boy. What's that? He's the baseball guy. He does the lip reading. He breaks down baseball plays, lip reading arguments, brawls. Oh, oh, really? Yeah, it's the best thing. It's like the coach. You happen. Yeah, he's saying, yes. You damn does the lines and he does the little subtitles. And so it's a brawl or an argument.

Wow. He's the best thing ever on the history of YouTube. So I watched that, but I'm more Wikipedia. I said a Wikipedia. it's a brawl or an argument. Wow. He's the best thing ever on the history of YouTube. So I watched that, but I'm more Wikipedia. I sit on Wikipedia. I look at tennis players prize money over and over again. I'm like, what did Martina Navratilova 21.6 million she won. But isn't that unreliable? Cause any Tom Dick or quake can come in there and kill the N word. I think they fix it. Oh, but sometimes I'll go to another website or whatever. But also they have like the results of like their best Grand Slam finishes and stuff like that. And you go from one to the other. And then you're like,

what year was that? That was crazy. I can really do a Wikipedia. Well, this is very similar. Yeah, that's what I mean. The numbers, their stats, their their talent tabulations. Maybe this is a male thing. Well, I love a number, but also I'd like to go on and look at everyone's Rotten Tomato. Filmmakers Rotten Tomatoes. Same. They like it. Some guys, their movies are like 84%, 89%, 91%, 78%. By the way, I heard the new Linklater movie is amazing. Oh, 97%.

Wow, that's tough now because I feel like I like Rotten, but it got muddied. Well, politics, it's not an overly reliable, but it's fascinating to know what that rotten tomatoes is. It's that the critics are. Sure. Sure. So it's just an Al what is that word? Alty. Amalgam. Aggravator, aggregate, aggregate of the reviews.

I don't know aggregate. OK. Yeah, you know, aggregate. Aggregator, aggregator and aggregates. A don't know aggregate. Okay. Yeah, you know aggregate aggregator aggregator and aggregate. I gotta start shit. The amount of percentage of good reviews to negative reviews where it's fucked up though is like accumulation. Some reviews are considered some reviews might be like, yeah, I like the movie. It was okay. And that goes into the good review. Right pile. Well, you know, it gives me a hope is somebody had the bet the great bit I might have been Tosh Well, you know what gives me hope is somebody had the great

bit, it might have been Tosh, about you read your comments, everybody hates you, you suck, you're not funny. Beethoven's symphony, first YouTube comment, gay. True story. That's a real, I looked it up. And so that gives you hope, like, all right, you could write this fucking beautiful piece of classical music that lasted, you know, lasted throughout history. And then first guy hates it. No, it's important. And so to say this years ago, he said about Reddit, which I don't go

near Reddit, but he goes, if you look at your YouTube comments, look at everybody else's YouTube comments also. Good point. It's like, Oh, you look at other people and you're like, Oh Jesus. Yeah. They fucking hate this guy. And then we know those people. Yeah, absolutely. So I thought it was, I was going to say earlier when you mentioned the olive thing, it reminds me of the Todd Barry joke. You said toss joke. It might be a Todd Barry joke about fugazi. They decided all the costs are $5. He's like, you think the bass player would be like, what about $6? I'm doing some mad. I figured a $1 per all the concerts are $5. He's like, you think the bass player would be like, what about $6? I'm doing some math.

I figure $1 per person times 300 shows a year times 10 years equals, I don't have a roommate when I'm 50. That's a great joke. Great joke. Now, can you Google? Because Fugazi is Italian for, I think, retarded or stupid. He's like, I had a little Fugazi. Fugazi.

Yeah, I think it means like he's a little off or that's a bad idea. What does that mean? Down in Nebraska they say fugazi is like a fake. It's a fugazi. Oh, oh. Or it's fucked. Yeah.

Yeah, there's two definitions. One of them is not genuine, fake. Right. And then one of them is damage beyond repair. Oh. It seems that's a more punk. Yeah, maybe. Thing I thought.

Oh. Damage beyond repair. How great is FUBAR? Fucked up beyond all recognition. Yes. What about SCUBA? SCUBA, social climbing underwater baby asshole. Ooh, that was pretty good. Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus.

Aggregate. Then there's SNAPFU. Oh, give me that one. Situation normal all fucked up. Wow. Now give this a good there. Chuck E cheese. Uh, there's a guy in world war one or two where they, he's like alone The Red Baron? Not pizza. Okay. So, he's all, everyone's dead. He's just out there in the place alone. He killed everybody.

He's getting the common form and the guy from the pill box, the bunker goes, if you drop your weapon, we'll let you live. And he's millions of miles away, so they're all binoculars. And he picks up a sign and he just writes nuts Meaning like I think that was a saying in the 40s like and that's you know, like fuck you. Oh, wow I don't know and so then they blew him up but pretty cool that he's like Nuts, you know, that's how he went out

Comes from wait, what do you got? You know, that's how he went out. Wow. That's where Gnum Nuts comes from. Wait, what do you got? Says in mid-December 1944, Allied forces were surprised by a massive German offensive through the whatever forest, blah, blah, blah, caught in what would become known as the Battle of the Bulge.

Ah, bulge and nuts. Dan Bulger. Oh, yeah. The 101st Airborne Division was holed up, outnumbered, outgunned, and running out of food, ammunition, and medical supplies. The embattled Assistant Division Commander, Brigadier General 101st Airborne Division was holed up, outnumbered, outgunned, and running out of food, ammunition, and medical supplies. The embattled Assistant Division Commander, Brigadier General Anthony McColeff, if he faced bleak prospects. On December 22nd, the American troops were sent

an ultimatum from German forces demanding the honorable surrender of the town within two hours. So they let, this guy's all alone. They want him to surrender. And he said, he sent a reply back and it was brief and it said, to the German commander, nuts, with exclamation point, the American commander. What a badass! So what does nuts mean? I don't get it.

I think it means go fuck yourself. Yeah, and nuts. Nuts to you. Nuts to you is a saying. I think it was just an old fashioned saying. Nuts, say. That ain't it. It wouldn't be the new nuts, you know? Hey, nuts. Yeah, nuts. Now, how about World War I? They took a Christmas break and they went and met and chatted. Oh, yeah. That's right. That's a crazy one.

They went and sat there and exchanged food and touched dicks and blew each other. That is that shows you how stupid war is right there in a nutshell. Real silly. Nuts. But what are you going to do? Nutmeg. I think I might have one more thing here. Hit me, Fanny. Oh, this was depressing. This was sad. I got a photo. I don't know. I can't post it because it's like children. But Sarah and I were in Kingwood again last night.

There we go. This restaurant, Chachi's love chat. Oh, Chachi loves Joni. It's yeah, it's a nice. They got the queso and the salsa forget about it for Gazi So we go there and it's baseball night They all finish their game these young boys and again the dads all have the big cross Drop cut baseball hat sunglasses on there. They all look identical the kids look identical because they're in the uniform Yes, yes Big long table of adults probably probably 12 adults. Next table

over is like 10 kids. Nine of the kids all waiting for their food just like this. Yep. Buried in their phone. No conversation. Little league. Little league. They're probably 11 years old. That is depressing. And one girl, you can tell maybe her parents are like, hey, no phone for you. And this is the problem. My parents are that way. Is when you have kids that are of that age, middle school, whatever,

elementary, late elementary school, middle school. And you're like, we're going to raise you right. I don't want you on your phone. The problem is the other parents aren't doing that. No, you're alone. I'll show you privately. You took one. I snuck a photo like

this. There's a girl with just no phone. And first she's coloring old school. Good for her. Good for her. And then she finishes and she just looks so sad and dejected. I wanted to invite her over and just and have dinner with her. Oh, yeah. Meanwhile, all these parents, all these parents, these nuts are just over there eating. Oh, yeah. That's another thing. I think, well, I think Trump is crazy. And I think Biden is gay and my father's an asshole and my sister's cunt. And then right next to them, nine children,

just all each one of them individually buried in the phone playing a video game, watching Tik Tok.. None of them were watching videos together. Horrible. It's just nine individuals and one girl just staring off. She looked like she wanted to cry and nobody. This girl's going to be president. Or kill herself. Or that.

Because at least these kids are like, think they're enjoying. Whoa. Yeah. But it was horrible. It's like the most depressing. We got to make some serious changes. I don't know what to do. I know what to do. Hit me. Jonathan Height. Yes, I love Height. Lock the phones up. Yeah, he actually has a game plan, which is what I like. He's like, no phones at school, give your kid a flip phone till he's 16, and then there's another

thing that I can't remember. But it's a pretty good plan. It's nice, but you got to get everyone on board, and all these people want it, I understand. That's the problem. Love height, but boy, it was jarring. And you see all the adults, but the children. I know. It was just, they just have them, and TikTok particularly, because it never ends. no end. No, and it just keeps going. The Chinese have fucked us right in the ass. Yeah, I don't know what to do. And you're right. You can't not give it to one kid because then everyone else has it. So they feel left out. Then they cry. And for kids, it's all about acceptance. But

I think at a restaurant you got to do the same thing. Hey, all right. Yeah. Fuck it. Put them in the bag. Yeah. Let's go. Whatever. Talk. Well, here's the worst part is we know it's bad. We're sitting here talking about how it's bad. And then I go to a restaurant with people and I look at my phone. What's hard? So we're addicted. No, it's addictive. And it's brutal. And my attention span shot. But I'll say that like, because I have to remind myself and I tell Sarah and we were talking about

yesterday with other friends, but you're like, we're also it's like, I understand food addiction because you have to eat. We're running a business. We're running several businesses really. And GPS is on there. On the phone. So, but my problem, and we've talked about this before, is like, I'll send a text to somebody. I'm very social on my phone. But while I wait for them to respond, I'm like, I'll check Instagram. I'll check this. I'll check that. So it's, uh, it's bad. And, uh, the last night after we had dinner, we went back Saturday, went back and I was like, we're leaving our phones. Literally. We're going to go watch Godzilla plus 61 or whatever the fuck it's called. And it does feel good. And

there was a study too. I don't know if it was a Jonathan Heid or I think it was Laurie Santos, who's also great, but she talked about they did a study. If you even have a phone on the table, not even looking at your phone, it's just on the table. Yeah, the amount of smiling and laugh goes down. You feel just with the phone there. I believe it. And she had a great analogy. She's like, it's like if you went out on a date with your wife or partner or friend, and instead of bringing your phone, you brought three wheelbarrows with all the porn in the world on the wheelbarrow.

And then you had all the sports highlight videos over here. And then every book over here. Don't you think you'd be like, you want to see what's in the porn? Of course. You wouldn't be like, how are you doing? You'd be like, whoa, look at this porn. Yeah. That's crazy.

Right. A kid fucking a dad, a horse fucking a kid. It's every SNL. It's every funny clip. It's every woman twerking. It's every sport highlight. It's every fist fight. It's every animal attack.

I mean, the list goes on. We're fucked. We're fucked. And we know we're hooked, and we still can't do anything about it. Because it's like you said Heroin is bad, but heroin needles don't have GPS or a phone call or zoom or email Nor do they have the fucking all the smartest people and smartest computers in the world

I think designing to get us Yeah, and it's not like people because the phone has I, hey, I could learn Mandarin on this bitch. Right. But I could also watch a 18-year-old suck her own toes. Send me that. You got it. So I'm like, well, I'll go with the toe. I'll get to the Mandarin later. And it's not like we're using it for the best thing, is what I'm saying.

Even talking about this, I'm like, let me see what's going on over there. I know, I know. It's right there. But you're right about the business thing and it has helped humanity it's changed the world it's so many perks a lot of perks but it's a cum guzzler of a queef dick well and then you have this we've talked about this many times the time where I first worked with Louie 48 years ago we were out in Long Island and the Burke, the Berkshires, the fucking Montauk. And I was like, all right, Sarah

and I were going, I'm putting my phone away. No phone. We're going to enjoy this. Let me put it on airplane mode. I opened my phone. It's a text from Louie. Hey, I got your number from Norman. You want to go out on my boat today? Yeah. And I'm like, I was two minutes away. That was my whole life change. Oh, that's true. A whole different world. So you're like, I got to check. And it happens all the time. You're like, put your phone away. You got a text that said, Hey, do you want to do a $65,000 gig? Yeah. The next text goes, Never mind. We got Norman. And I'm like this. Yeah, true. true so yeah you can't miss I missed a Seinfeld text I jump off the Brooklyn Bridge forget about it hey all right we

gotta wrap this fucking thing up Aldi what an episode you're hung up on Aldi oh it's all all time episode yeah that's a bag from the 60s Eric put it out with his big shoe let me see see what I got here. Where are you gonna be there fat man? Lay it on me, put it right in my ass. Look at the flip flops on Kweefe. Well that's from the ward. I need flip flops then I'll walk around the gym

because I'm all warded up. Oh the ward, yes. What are you doing? Warden business school. All right, well this week, I can't believe I'm saying this. What the fuck, this week, I'll be in Maine Maine July 1st. I think that's sold out though. Atlanta punchline, July 18th through the 20th Seattle, the crocodile crocodile rock, July 15th, August crazy month, Milwaukee improv, McGoobe's Cape cod melody tent with a Lewis and Soder and Dan. That's

a standup show. That's going to be awesome. That'll be fun. And then Tampa side splitters. All in August, I am working too much September, Oklahoma City, Portland helium, Indianapolis helium, Skankfest. I gotta, I'm gonna, I gotta take a year off. This is crazy. Yeah, you got a baby to kick around. I know. And join the Patreon. Speaking of the baby, for God's sakes, we got killer shit on there. Oh, fucking killer. It's not just saying that this isn't Hey, I turned 21. Give me some money.

This is a fucking TV station. Yes, boys on there. So get on that. Sing it sister. All right, I will be all over the goddamn road. Sioux Falls, Cedar Rapids, Colorado Springs, the other part of Colorado. What's that other one? Boulder. Thank you. Richmond, Virginia, Greensboro, North Carolina, Rochester, Minnesota, Rockford, Illinois, Pensacola, Florida.

Oh, we're past that. Fort Lauderdale, Orlando, Red Bank, New Jersey, Redding, PA, Anaheim, California. Red Bank. Oh, shit. I'll be living there. Oh, there you go. What's the date on that? I might have a house by then. Well, look at houses. That's in August. Okay. I'll have a address by then. There you go. And another kid, Portland, Oregon, London, Ontario, Monterey, Oakland, Edmonton, Toronto. Montere right. That's supposed to be really nice. What's that, California? Oh, yeah.

That's outside of San Fran. San Fran, I think. Stayed in there a couple of days there. I've never been talking like I know it. But I've seen it on television. It's really something else. Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago. What do you got?

Seaward. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We're doing our 100th episode live at the Comedy Connection in East Providence, Rhode Island on Sunday, July 21st. And just put out a new fun episode. We do a thing called Pitch Doctors, where when like a new movie comes out, sometimes we'll all take turns trying to like rewrite it and like come up with our own pitches for the new Godzilla and stuff like that. And we just did one for a new Muppet movie. And people are really digging the episode. Muppet base.

Because a big Jim Henson doc just came out. Oh, there is? Yeah. Oh, I love Henson. What's that on? It's on Disney+. I pitched a big Muppets do David Fincher's Seven. And we came up with scripts and stuff.

It was really fun. Check it out. What's in the box? Fun Bearable Pod at gmail.com. No, funbearablepod.com. John Doe's got the upper hand. Alright, thank you folks, we'll see you all in hell. We're going to do a Patreon bonus right now.

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