Tuesdays with Stories! - #561 Hack Man

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

Joe's in Salt Lake City and getting cut at Starbucks! Mark's in New Haven and he sees the behind the scenes of Frank Pepe's! The boys are psyched for Gary Vider's new podcast #1 Dad - AND we're jumping on the train to end Chipotle skimpage! We're taking a stance and we're for it! Shape up, Chippy!!! Less important: We also solve the homelessness problem. Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 15% off your Raycon order and free shipping. Go to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self. - Get a free Mystery Gift with your first monthly shipment when you sign up at https://www.boxofawesome.com with code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Alright, in 3, 2, 1... Hey! Here we are folks! I think you're supposed to not do the 3, 2, 1. Isn't it? 3... I was doing a gag. Oh, I see. Here we are folks. I think you're supposed to not do the three two one in that three I was doing a gag. Oh, I see it three two Whoa, the fart would be great. I was no good. It was a squeaker What do you think with these martial art guys that break the wood as a kid? I wanted to blow them. Oh That's tough

So we lose you folks I did a bit on YouTube I think most people listen still audio that's tough. That's how we lose you. Folks, I did a bit on YouTube. I think most people listen still audio. That's what I hear. Well, I'm an audio guy. Me too, I've never watched a podcast in my whole life. It doesn't move, you know? So it's just Rogan sitting there with a scientist smoking a cigar.

I like to wander and walk and clean. So how does Rogan do three hours three times a week? We're doing an hour a week and I'm out of things to say I don't remember what we said about we talked about. I think weed helps people forget about the weed the guy's getting blazed out of his mind on half of these. But he must not remember anything he's ever said. How does he remember the conversation? It's crazy. Now he'll remember a key nugget here that benefits his narrative. But yeah, that's true. But then you think, hey, 17,000 hours, whatever the hell makes you an expert.

So he must be an expert at talking just off the numbers. I guess so. I don't know. I mean, he's still him at the end of the day. Yeah, but it's not knitting or badminton. It's like talking is talking. I mean, we've all talked for a hundred thousand hours But this is interview style interview microphone. Yes. No people are listening. I Just feel like I would be like I don't remember anything. I just said yeah three hours three times a week It's crazy

And then I you just think like aren't you dying like when the when the guy comes in, I guess he picks who who he did, who he talks to. So that's right. But sometimes they go back and forth. I'm like, how's that after? You know, it's like your joke about fucking saying crazy shit in bed. Yeah. And then after you got to be like, you want to get a muffin? Believe me, it's awkward. And then you're just like, OK, well, see you later. Yeah. I mean, physically drained at the end of one of those shows.

Oh, completely, he's not. He's, because he's so genuine. Like Jimmy Fallon's like, wow, we're playing beer pong and sucking dicks. And then he's just like, this is who I am all the time. I'm gonna try to break this. Please. Okay, that's gonna bend.

You're not gonna get a break out of that. Yeah, it's cardboard I guess. Oh, it kind of broke in half. Oh no, it's folded in half. There you go. But boy, I'll tell you, when I was to get a cardboard box, now I like a real box, but a cardboard box, I could really get some thinking done in there. Well kids, you know, I have a Bambino. They don't want to play with the toys. They want everything else they want. Because they're like, I've seen that, I know that, it's designed, it's kind of like us. I think it's just human nature, something that's designed for you. If someone's like, here's a soccer ball, you're like, but I want to

finger his asshole. Right, right. Yeah. Well, I think the toy is for me. I buy a toy, I give it to you, I feel better. You give it to the kid. The kid doesn't want the toy. The toy was for me. Right. And it's kind of a Ylar and we were talking yesterday about a He's like Kramer

Only white people canceled him. He's like black people got over it in five minutes It's the same with the box, you know, like we're out here going This is the this is the toy the toy and then they're like we're all right, right? We don't need the toy the toys for you by the way Michael Richards I'm reading his book fantastic. I listen on that Rick Rubin podcast also fantastic. I love the K-Man I love Mr.. Richards Mike Richards. He's a kook though. Oh Little loopy in there. Oh, he's cookie was raised by a schizophrenic grandmother. No dad didn't know his dad was oh yeah He's like he's a wacky guy lived grew up in LA wrote his bike all over the place at the age of seven

I was sneaking onto backlots Really? Yeah, he's a nutty guy You know I just watched is the on YouTube is his appearance on Jay Leno the tonight show with Jay Leno with Jerry Sorry with the workout. Yes, yeah with the cigarette and they just improvised like Jay Leto was just like he had a week of the shows. He gets to host The Tonight Show for one week. Carson's giving him a shot. And Jay Leno just calls up Michael Richards, who he knows from the clubs as a kook,

and goes, hey, you wanna come on and do something? No way. How insane, show business has changed so much. He's literally just like, yeah, come on, fuck around. Cause that was the show, The Tonight Show. I mean, that's Johnny Carson, baby. This is 20 million views or 100 million views. And this is before it's Jay's show.

And I feel like if Rogan was like, you want to host Rogan for a week, and then you just called up fucking, I don't know. Stavros. Stavros. Hey, fart into the mic. Yeah, do you want to do a thing? I mean, that doesn't make sense, because that would

make perfect sense to do. So it's not a great analogy. Not a good analogy. I call it my uncle, who's kind of funny. Yeah, and he just came on and he went to Jay's house and he's like, I'm gonna do this workout guy. And Jay was like, okay, and they improvised the whole thing and it's quite funny.

And Mike Winters is amazing. He's falling all over the stage, knocking stuff over. He's kind of got a little buster keat in there. Absolutely, and at first it's not hitting. He just comes out, he's smoking, he's talking, and you can tell they're improvising. Well, that's where the kook benefits, because you've got to have a nutty brain

to be able to commit to that. Because most normal people would go, three minutes in, this is bombing, I'm smoking on The Tonight Show, I'm having a panic attack. He can just, whew, keep going. Well, I would just break character. I'd be like, I don't know. I thought this was going to be funny.

I'm wearing a ladies bathing suit. I'm smoking. This is retarded. I suck. That's pretty funny. Yeah. Breaking character is funny. But you don't want to rely on that.

Fallon, remember he would break? That was the big laugh. And I'm like, this guy's cheating. Well, Michael Richards talks about it. He's like, he never broke character. They talk about it in that Seinfeld DVD. He's like, I never broke ever. He's like a Shakespearean trained actor,

theatrical theater actor, whatever you call it. Yes. And he was like, if I break, first of all, they were doing the show in front of a, I'm just dictating the book to you guys, but he's like, we're doing the show in front of a live audience. He's like, if someone breaks, we have to redo it,

and they've already heard the joke now. Ah. It's like if you were doing standup and you flubbed, and you were like, let me just start over. He's like, they've seen the scene now. Great point. So now it's not gonna get as big of a laugh and he's like I just did all that work and you ruined it for me. Yes Shakespeare to n-word or not to n-word that is the question. It sure is. At the barbecue at my house. But uh yeah it's a fascinating book fascinating guy and uh Jerry was like we gotta get him and then the audition is, it's a fascinating book, fascinating guy, and Jerry was like, we gotta

get him, and then the audition is crazy. It's a great story. I'm glad he's out there. I know Seinfeld's a boomer. The internet's just dragging his Jew ass all over the pavement. But the fact that he goes up to the K-Man, puts the arm around him at every photo and goes, hey, this is my guy. Fuck off. I love that. No, Jerry's the best. These people are idiots. They don't know what they're talking about. And now I see people that are like, he was never funny.

This guy's a hack. You're going to the hack. I'm like, he invented a style of comedy. I know we're doing him when we do comedy. He's the exact opposite of a hack. Yes. You're a hack. Exactly. You're talking about because you just go with the flow.

You just go with the with the the algo says that's hacky. And also, you're like,. Because you just go with the flow. You just go with what the algo says. That's hacky. And also you're like, I'm telling you for the last time, it's amazing. But believe me, I got plenty of beefs with Jerry. They come out usually on the Patreon. They pop off. Join the Patreon, by the way. We got some behind the scenes.

We just did a video with Dan Soders, like just riffing and raffing back there. He's a talent, big-headed queef. He sure is and two new video podcasts out there or whatever you call them little docu-series you're running all over town and our patreon is really something else. It's the best in the world and we got the queues is just walking around with bad knees and a camera and we just say point it on us and we yuck it up and you get to see behind the scenes of a comedy club of if you know Wednesday night where we're jumping around the city so it's it's pretty cool and funny. Yeah he is the most like Kramer of anybody I know.

Hands down he is Kramer and he'll say the n-word. Fascinating guy but yeah no Jerry's the fucking greatest I'm telling you the last time rules and yeah he's, he's Jerry. These people that are like, he's like, yeah, that show could never have gotten made now, and they're like, whoa, fucking, what about this thing? You're like, this, do you think maybe, then this is the problem in general with life.

Do you think maybe Jerry Seinfeld might have a little more knowledge of the inner workings of network television than you? Exactly. Is it possible? I know. Is that a possibility? With his connections, his friends, where he is, what he's done in his life, could he possibly know just a tad more than you at home?

Nah, no, this person knows everything in Cleveland who's living off unemployment. It's fucking wacky, wacky do's. And also when comedians do it I got no I got no I got no I can't abide. Comedians that are just publicly trashing people that are in their same field that have like knocked it out of the ballpark. I don't love that either and they'll never do that they'll never come anywhere near that and they still trash them it drives me crazy and if

we're talking about the shit you can't say anymore, the Puerto Rican Day Parade episode is literally not allowed to be played. So it went from NBC to, you know, prime time must-see TV to not allowed to be played. So isn't that the nail in the coffin? Of course, and also people are booing and walking out of him giving commencement speeches.

So, you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotta I gotta bring something up to you fatty. Oh Now what are you guys watching this Chipotle debacle? I mean about it this is swept the nation change the game. It's an epidemic a pandemic About this what are we talking about every day I'll break it down for you. Oh my god, I'm nervous It's an epidemic, a pandemic, a Demi Lovato. I don't know one single thing about this. What are we talking? I eat Chipotle every day. I'll break it down for you. Oh my God, I'm nervous.

No, well this is the internet and these queefs at work. This is what they do. Oh God. So one guy noticed that the Chipotle prices were going up and the portions were going down. Absolutely. Syndrome. More than one guy, because I notice that every time at this shithole we go to. Yeah, that's the worst one in the city. 100%. So he goes, alright,

fuck this, the burrito's 15.81 and I'm getting less protein and everything, so he goes, how about this, I'm going to film you guys while you scoop me and send it to the internet and let the wolves take over if you don't scoop me a normal amount. Okay. And he got loaded up. So he put that online and he goes, hey folks, if you wanna get your good amount of Chipotle,

film it. So now everybody and their aunt Sally is filming all the Chipotles and now people have camera crews and they're doing like a, what do you call that? A side by side. They go in without a camera, they get a bowl. Chipotle's and now people have camera crews and they're doing like a what do you call that a Side by side they go in without a camera. They get a bowl two days later They go in with a camera and the bowls twice as fat interesting so it works But now the Chipotle employees has been going on for two weeks

So they're like get the fuck out of here with that camera fuck you I hate you and the Chipotle CEO spoke up whoa, and he was like this is crazy You guys are ruining the country you're ruining my business. You're ruining my little sex life I hate you and the Chipotle CEO spoke up. Whoa. And he was like, this is crazy. You guys are ruining the country. You're ruining my business. You're ruining my sex life. So it's a thing. Wow, I had no idea.

Well, we go to the Chipotle over here and by Bryant Park. There's one on each side of the park. Maybe we should try the other one. Wait, there is? A little further away. Yeah, there's one on 42nd that we go to and there's one on 41st that we don't go to. Let's try that, cause it's a little off the beaten anal.

I know, it's a little smaller, but yeah, this one, by the way, because we're a little behind, Chuck was stuck in traffic, traffic's a nightmare here, I was realizing now we're gonna try to go to Chipotle in between shows, and it's gonna be fucking slammed. I know. You get there at 12p, you're okay. Right.

You get there at 1230, forget it. Yeah, 1232 is a nightmare. So this traffic has fucked us all up. That's the thing about traffic is like it just sets you from one It's a domino effect. Ah-ha. We should go to dominoes. Ah, effect. Um, effects. But Yeah, so they're horrible over there. That's what I was gonna say. It's working basically. I do, I could never do that because it takes a lot of just sheer cuntiness to be like, here you go motherfucker I got you on tape. I couldn't do that I don't have the nerve but it's it's changed the game I think they're helping the chicken. We need it because yeah this

Chipotle over here sucks and I like a lot of rice. I'm not a bean guy. You get minimal rice. Yes. Which I should always order after you. You say, give me a little bit of rice. I should go, I'll take his rice. Let's try that. But to me, this makes sense. And all over the country it works.

I say, I don't want beans, but I love extra rice. They just load you up. Here, they do one little scoop and they cover it with their hand and then they put the little scoop in. It's a tiny amount. It's the worst. And it's almost like they're vindictive. They're going, oh, he wants extra rice. I'll give him less rice than normal.

I'm like, just give me two. They're like, it'll be extra. And I'll go, okay. And I always say this to them, seven, five times. I'm like, this is the only Chipotle in America that charges extra for rice. But okay, yeah, I'll pay double. I'll buy two burritos. Just give me the rice that I want I don't even care about the money communism it's like boop boop boop and it's rice it costs fucking half a cent a piece I know that's what we give to the the starving folk overseas you throw them a big bag of rice yeah you drop it out of the parachutes or whatever you gotta go over there pick up a bag and come back just to spite them I should bring a fucking six pound bag, lay it on there and go, this is my rice, make

me the rice. There you go, rice-a-roni. Rest ice compression elevation. Ray Rice. But, uh... That guy slaps. Okay. A lot of ups and downs.

But yeah, so just had to throw that out there, but see, this is what happens, folks. You start cutting corners and you get the old camera. That cell phone camera is the biggest weapon in America. Everybody's like, we got a gun problem. We got this, we got that. That's what got Kramer. That's what got the bird lady in the park, you know, the black guys like, you scared of me?

She's like, I'll call the police. Like all that is camera chipotle camera Yeah, cameras are it's yeah, everything's getting filmed and we're getting filmed right now. I believe what oh my god I thought we were just hanging out well You never know this the little SD card door is open on that camera is that okay doesn't matter okay? barn door that scares me Barnes and Noble ah Barney Fife remember border borders. It was borders and Barnes and Noble and Barnes and Noble. Ah, Barney Fife. Remember Borders? It was Borders and Barnes and Noble,

and then Barnes and Noble just sucked that right up. Oh yeah, Biden closed that. Borders? Oh, he's right. Well, it's funny because he's like, whoa, you can't close the border, you fucking animal. And then now he's like, we're closing the border. Yeah, I don't know what to do there. That immigration, that's a real prickly pair isn't it?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah it's not uh not great a lot of Venezuelans more people were let in uh recently than the town the state or the country of oh what's that southern not Nigeria what's this the one in South America? N Panama starts with an N not Nagua. That's the one Nicaragua good cigars. There you go Nicaragua, please whoa Yikes You were on the road boy was I ever on the road I was out there and saw like is this the date this comes out We're a little backed up folks. Holy shit, July 8 8th I was in Salt Lake City two months ago my god you might quit comedy by now well where you're leaving the country for six weeks or

something where are you going I'm going across the border's books and uh going to Barcelona oh nice I'm gonna be that guy that'll be fun uh but yeah I'm uh it's sorry it's July 8th I guess July 3rd I am where the fuck was I oh I was in Salt Lake City July 8th, I guess. July 3rd. I am, where the fuck was I? Oh, I was in Salt Lake City. I just got back. I was battling laryngitis. Oh, I hate that guy. Still getting over it.

You can hear it a little, can't you? Oh, a little. You sound like you got a mouthful of jizz. I certainly do, but I was dying. This is the best stuff sounded in days. Wow. And I went, I hit the steam room before this, which was nice. That helped, supposedly, but I don't know how steam room before this, which was nice, that helps supposedly,

but I don't know how much that actually helps really. Everyone's like, steam, soup, hot tea, but I'm like, I'm doing all those things every day, and that's how I got here. Ah, what do you do, the numbing jizz? I bought one of those, and it fucked me. Oh, Chuck's sick, that's two cops in a row, I can tell. Uh oh, coffee break.

He knows, coffee. I bought one of those spray things but my throat wasn't hurting I was just hoarse and then I was this guy I'm like I went to the store with Luke cuz I'm like I got a battle this thing so I bought ginger shots water salt water rinse whatever the fuck the cough drops, menthol, and I bought the fucking spray business, which has alcohol in it, but whatever. Whoa, easy big fella. That's.01, but so spray maybe is less, but I didn't end up using it, but this is what

fucked me. So then at the end of the day, I go to the airport, I just gather all the shit in the hotel room, you stuff it in your bag, go to the airport, my bag gets flagged. Ah, God hates flags. And I'm sitting there going, what the fuck is this, my bag gets flagged. Ah, God hates flags. And I'm sitting there going, what the fuck is this? Then Luke gets flagged. Everyone's, the most flags I've ever seen. And I've been to the gay pride parade.

They carry a lot of flags over there. You've been to the UN? So there's just flag, more bags are getting flagged than not. So then Luke, he's crazy. He looks over, he's like, it's gotta be the lady. He sees the lady, he's like, oh, yeah asshole It's like and we've talked about this before you go to New York LA The big cities they don't give a fuck at TSA. They know the deal. Okay, that's a cigar cutter That's toothpaste who gives a fuck. Yeah, you go to these smaller towns. They all think they're Wyatt Earp. Yes

Yes, I think they're saving the world. They're in there going, oh, this looks a little suspicious, whatever. So I'm incensed. I'm like, I've never been flagged, it's bullshit. And then the guy pulls out a fucking four gallon bottle of throat spray and I'm like, ah, that's on me. Yeah, that's a daisy of a bottle. So I went, all right, throw that away, whatever. That's a tombstone.

Tombstone's great. Is that Wyatt Earp? Yeah, Wyatt Earp's in Tombstone. Oh, okay, because there's also a Wyatt Earp movie. Kevin Costner. That's right. That's right. Got twisted.

Speaking of twisted, that happens a lot. There's movies that are the same premise. There was Twister, and then there was a movie that came out at the same time that was also Twister. Oh, yeah. But that was about the board game. And then I think there was Left Foot Blue.

I think there was another one that was like the day after tomorrow. There was two of those. There was also two Prefontaine movies. Really? It was Without Limits and Pre-Fontaine. Oh Wow, that's weird. I think this happens a lot. You're making a movie and then all of a sudden it comes out Well, it's in the zeitgeist. Everybody's like we got to tackle that premise and then someone else is thinking the same thing Well, I just read that about the first Superman, which is a bag of shit. That movie sucks so bad. The Donner Party? Yeah, the Donner Party.

It's like one hour before Superman's in the movie. Really? Oh, it's bad. You get Clark, at least. Yeah, a lot like little Clark, but they're in the planet Zoran or whatever. No, no, the other place. Oh, Jor-El?

It stinks out loud, that movie. But that movie, evidently, it took a long time for it to come out. And so then it was also like space and all this stuff. And they were like, oh, this movie was hugely influenced by Close Encounters and Star Wars. But they were like, no, no, we were in production. So they got like everyone thought they were like the first movie that was similar to these movies. They were like, no, everyone thought they were, like, the first movie that was similar to these movies.

They were like, no, no, no, we were making it at the same time. Interesting. Okay. I remember loving that movie as a kid, but it was also the 80s when there was nothing good on. It's like three hours. I mean, literally, it's like an hour in before Superman, Superman. Who does he fight in that?

Luther? I think Marlon Brando. Oh. I never even saw Brando. I turned it off before Brando got involved. No, Brando's his dad, I think. That's right. Yeah, yeah, the fortress. No, it's, you know who he retired. Gene Hackman. Oh, yeah. And he's got Ned Beatty as like his goofy sidekick. Yes, yes, that's right. It's real silly. Oh boy, that's what my dad, that's what my friends call me, Hackman. It's real silly. Oh boy, that's what my dad, that's what my friends call me, hack man.

Sorry. Alright, so what happened? I got a few things. Let me ask you this. Please. Let me just go ahead and run this by. I still want to hear about wise guys, but I guess. Well this is wise guys.

Okay, okay. So we're out in Salt Lake. The shows were great, always great. Keith Stubbs, maybe the best comedy club owner. Oh, what a mensch. Such a nice guy, great, great fella. Stubby. Salt Lake City I don't love, but we Oh, what a mensch. Such a nice guy. Great, great fella. Stubby. Salt Lake City I don't love, but we ventured out a little bit.

We went over to campus, Utah, Utah. I love this hat, new hat. Is that Bring Them Young? No, that's BYU. This is University of Utah, the Utes. Ah, two Utes stole my truck. I did that on stage. Hey.

So I went out there. We go down. And every time I go to a college campus, I'm like, I should have gone to college. Yeah, it was fun. You go into the mess hall, it's like pool tables, a bowling alley, there's all this stuff because I wasn't smart enough to get into college, but still. You can get in, but it's not about the smarts, it's about the paperwork.

That's what I mean, I didn't do so hot in high school. Yeah, easier to get in the border. Yeah, people think I'm smart. I'm not Don't sell yourself gay. Well, I'm wise I got the wisdom, but I didn't like the book learning I didn't want to do any homework or write a paper to do a test. Big waste of time. That was gay Totally. That worked out for me Hello folks this week's episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Raycon Can't afford to go to every concert that you want to this summer? I know I can't. What with this baby and all. Just get

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Tuesdays. But, so we go over there, but let me ask you this. So I'm at Starbucks, downtown Salt Lake City. I dabble. I go in, there's two bathrooms, two individual bathrooms. They got the lock on them. A vacant, Occupado. Absolutely. Which if I was president, that would be the first thing I did. Every public restroom has to have the occupied or what's the other one? Vacant. Love it. Yes. That's my one law and the other law is if you have a

highway sign that says Burger King it has to say the exact distance off the exit. Oh, so you don't get screwed by going 20 minutes. Sometimes it says Burger King, exit 41, you get off and it's nine miles away. This is a good law. It should have to say Burger King. These are the real things a president should be getting done. Yes the public restrooms and the exits I like it. We'll figure out that'll just come together Come to get guns fentanyl obesity school shootings Border it'll all fall into place homeless homeless Right now every single city. It's bad all of the city

I was talking to CQ about it, and he was on tour, he went from San Francisco to LA to Austin to Seattle to Portland. Oh my God. You're on the homeless tour. Yeah, exactly, that's the hobo run. All these great American cities where you would just get to the hotel and walk around, it's crazy.

What do you do? Because I've seen, I'm eating at a Denny's and I'm like, getting hit up by a hobo at the table. He's like, you got any change? I'm like, how'd you get in here? Like, what's the move with the hobo? What do you, how do you turn it around? I mean, oh, to fix the whole problem?

Because I think, I grew up in the South and you would just, they would just kick them in the face and they would go to another city. I don't know what goes up, but I think we need to bring back, this is the most political episode we've ever had, but I think we need to bring back this is the most political episode we've ever had but I think we need to bring back state-run mental institutions. Oh, we used to have and you know some of them were problematic, Cuckoo's Nest, the lobotomies, but you bring them back I think a lot of these people they're just skip they just we

have the medicine to help them. We do. You got to take them you got and not volunteer you got to grab them off the street and go, you're going away, cause you just took a shit on the sidewalk, you're swinging a machete at the comedians outside the club. Medication time. You're going away and you put the little pill on their tongue, you let them play poker for cigarettes. Yeah. And that's it. And North Bratschett chocks them to death or whatever. Yeah. Put that puppy on the temples, the belt in the mouth, Bob's your uncle, but here's the problem.

Everybody's going, well, we wanna be compassionate, but you're actually being quite cruel, because they're living on the streets and blowing each other and eating fentanyl, and now they're gonna die. Well, we're failing everybody. We're failing them by just going, you just live, and we're failing us,

because we're getting attacked on the streets, but the state-run institutes, you make them better. You make them better than they used to be. You know what I mean? You go, welcome, sir. We understand it's not your fault. Here's your meds. And you try to rehabilitate them. You send them to therapy or whatever. I'm an empathetic guy and I'm happy to have my tax money go to these hospitals because I'm tired of fucking running away from people on bikes going, aah! Right. They got weapons and shit, it's crazy.

And no one feels bad for you, because they go, all right, you big honky, you got your nice paycheck and your red hat, you'll be fine. You're like, all right, well, wait till they cut my baby's head off. Well, you can't sit in the park anymore. No, no park.

The parks are owned by the homeless people. I mean, I was just in Washington Square, and there's a couple sitting there, and it's always these hippie people smoking a joint, listening to some tunes, and this guy is just screaming and these are the people that try to go, well, he's just whatever. And after eight minutes, I literally watched them like pack up their blanket and leave. Exactly. There's like terrorists running around the park. I know. And they get away with a murder because now you can't, if you go to jail for not having, you know You hit a guy with a with a hammer you get out in an hour because there was no gun involved. It's all

Pipes we should give them all guns then they'll go to jail But yeah, whatever it is you got a we got to do something because San Diego has a problem LA port DC I mean the capital of America is covered in tents. It's intense. Yes. Yes So but yeah, the solution is not, just let them fucking hang out here. No, no, and it's not working. It's not working out for them. They're all just dying in the streets and then like, remember that guy took a dump in San Francisco and some dude hit him with a hose and then he got in trouble. No, I don't know the hose guy got hosed. I mean he went, bros before

hose and he hit that, just spraying the guy. He's like, get the fuck out of here. This is my front yard. And that guy got, he got fucked. Oh wow. I know the story about the president of China came to visit San Francisco. Yes. Yes. Sweeped it right up.

Where do they put them? And they put them in open mics. I don't know how they get rid of them. I don't know. They can send it to my club dates because I can't sell a ticket. Oh yeah. Fill some seats. Absolutely. Put them in the WNBA games. I'm doing the Atlanta punchline. send it to my club dates because I can't sell a ticket. Oh yeah, fill some seats. Absolutely, yeah.

Put it with the WNBA games. I'm doing the Atlanta punch line. Send a few homeless people in. They hecka watch out. Yeah, just give them the pills if they get too chatty. Yeah, yeah, well all we do is talk about how much concern we have for the human and all that, but then everybody's eating fentanyl

and getting fat as shit and dying. Yeah, it's, I don't know we got to figure it out but well we'll make it we'll make it work at some point yeah you know but anyway we need to bring that comic relief oh maybe you me and Sam should be like you know when they would what's his toes Robin will Billy Chris Gold, we need a black lady. Oh yeah, maybe Chris Allen. Yes, I hope we'll put a wig on him. Cause that thing, I feel like that was making some dents. I guess, I think before there was just a little more law

and order, like you hit him with a big broom and that was it, you just kind of shuffled him out of there like the Apollo, he just hooked him. We'll get it figured out, I think there's 70,000 in LA. We gotta, we gotta. Choo, wee. I know, but what are you gonna do? So anyways, I'm at the Starbucks.

I got the idea, sorry. I can't wait to hear it. All the people coming in, we trade. Oh, you wanna send a guy to America? You wanna come into America? Then you gotta take a hobo. That's not bad. So we flip and flop it.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Oh, you wanna come in from Venezuela? All right, well Venezuela's getting boxcar Billy. That's not bad because a lot of those folks, they're probably, they're trying to work. These guys, they've probably lost the ability to work, a lot of these guys. Write that down.

By the way, again, I'm empathetic. I think they're mentally ill. They're schizophrenic, they're bipolar, they're whatever it is. So go get them some help. We have the help. Well, all I keep hearing like, oh, there's a bill in California

for eight million zillion billion dollars to help the homeless. But I'm like, well, what's that doing? I don't know. They buy them condos and shit, but they never go because they like the street. I don't know. I think Houston, they don't have any zoning laws.

So they built some, and then they just sent them in there. Oh, all right. Well, we'll figure it out. All right. Sorry, I steamrolled your story there. No, so I'm in not so much a story. I guess it's a story, but I want to hear your input. So I'm at Starbucks. They got two individual bathrooms, occupied, vacant. I asked the lady, I go, excuse me, what's the code for the bathroom? She said the one on the left is 4983. Okay. So I go, okay, so I just kind of take it like,

I guess the one on the left is the working bathroom. Sure. 4983. So I go, the one on the right is green, vacant. The one on the left is occupied. So I go, she only told me the code on the left, so that must be the employee bathroom or service, whatever.

I'll just wait, doesn't matter. Okay. So I'm waiting, oh, two, three, four minutes. Oh, somebody's taking a big old dump in a bath. Well, by the way, it's like a homeless person. And then they go in the Starbucks bathrooms, they take them up. So I'm sitting there, then a lady comes over.

She walks up and goes, there's no one in this bathroom. And I go, she points to the one on the right. And I go, yeah, but I don't know the code for that one, she only gave me the code for the one on the left. So I think that's like out of service or something. She goes, huh. She walks over to the Starbucks play goes, what's the code for the one on the right?

Oh, I like this lady, I go get her. I know, but the girl, it's the same girl, she goes, that one's 32 19. So she walks over, boop boop boop, types it in and walks right in there. Wow, she skipped you. I'm like, well let me go, I've been waiting here for five minutes. You got leap frog fatty. Now some people will say, yeah you should have gone and got the code, but I asked for the code, I only got one code. This is fascinating. So don't you think, A, so many problems here. A, give me both codes. Sure, and why are they different codes? I don't know. I don't get it. Maybe one's the homeless and one's the housed. I don't know. I see.

Give me the, maybe she thought I was homeless. I got sweatpants on and teeth. Yeah, yeah. You know, but I go, give me both codes codes I don't understand why you give me one code I've never heard of this and also if you went and got the code let me pass you're cutting me in line come on yeah yeah this is this is diabolical I mean so many layers to this and then what she went in she was like sorry and laughed and shuts the door oh I don't like I don't like her anymore now I'll say this about this fat asshole. Say it sister. She was in and out. All right.

So that was something, but not as in and out as I was. Yeah. I'm a man. I piss, although it takes me quite a while to get going because I've got some mental problems. Stage fright. But if I'm by myself, I can get it going pretty quick. All right, I believe it.

So she was in and out to be fair, but if I did that, if I got the code, I'd go, you go ahead. The code is 3217. Maybe she's thinking, but if I did that, if I got the code, I'd go, you go ahead. The code is 3217. Maybe she's thinking, hey, I did the legwork and I got the code on my own, so you kind of fucked yourself, but she only gave you one door. I've never heard of such a thing. I don't understand the one door. Give me both doors.

I don't get it. But then I go in after the lady, I come out and the person person on the left has left, and a new homeless person's walking in. Wow! Suitcase, squirrely hat, the beard, so that left bathroom must smell like a bag of farts. So you did the right thing by going in the righty, but that left one, ooh, it's like a hobo portal. Yeah, I just thought it was a little strange that she cut me in line, the other lady only gave me one code. That is very interesting. But my fault for assuming, I should have said, well, what's the other lady only gave me one code that is very interesting but my fault for assuming I should have said well what's the other code how do you

feel pushy exactly cuz I'm waiting for her to go I would have given you if I could have get whatever yeah yeah right right that is a very tricky situation there but weird she just picked one yeah or maybe she didn't know the code right but then she's the same woman that gave this lady exactly something maybe it's a boy girl I don't know the code the right, but then she's the same woman that gave this lady exactly something Maybe it's a boy girl. I don't know. She probably thought you were homeless perhaps I don't know, but I think all bathrooms should be individual with the green red lock. Yeah, I'm in agreeance Oh boy, that's a tough one boy. You really got screwed there. That was a bummer But what are you gonna do is that that's a Salt Lake thing Because I think in New York, they're all the same code.

Yeah, I never heard of this. I've never heard of it either. I don't like it. We don't care for it. Then we walked over to the, like I said, to campus and off in the distance you hear music playing. And I'm like, oh, I love music. Why is there music playing?

Saturday at 3 p.m. Oh, that's fun. We go over to the football stadium. It's this guy, Luke Combs. You ever heard of this man? Oh, he's big. Huge, he's playing the stadium. It's a sound check. Oh Come your hair. So that was neat. So there's all I got Luke Monas and Luke Combs pretty similar names actually. That's true

Yeah, no ends and s similar amount of letters Alright, I don't know call me that was pretty neat but it's weird cuz you're like I had this thought there's a huge football stadium 60,000 people, show hasn't started yet, they're doing the, what do we call it, sound check. Oh, beer! Then there's all these people showing up, people are starting to show up to,

what do you call it, tailgate, there's cops, there's security, they have a whole outdoor festival thing with slides and beer and margaritas. I had this thought, isn't it crazy? This all started from just a guy in his bedroom who wanted to play music. He was like, asked his parents for a guitar. I love it. Let me get a guitar. I would like to sing. And now you just have like state police, security, outhouses, barbecues, 50,000, he's a moving economy. I think about this every time with Taylor Swift. I mean think about all the hotels, the dinners, the flights, the meals, the merch,

it's all, it's better for the economy than Amazon. Tickets, lawyers, agents, managers, security, janitors, all these people, just a whole city of people. Completely agree. And then not only that, people have, they got their shirts, they're all decorated, they got the hats and the goofballs and the shorts with the boots and they're singing and waving and the cameras. Yes.

All because this one guy, who evidently writes his own songs, a lot of country artists don't do that. Ah, I got my truck and my dog and my wife's a fat hick. So this guy was just sitting at home said I'd like to play music and here you are. Isn't that wild? I think about it all the time that is so wild and that's why you got to blow these guys because they're shaping the economy. I mean they're helping with money and jobs and,

and not just the economic aspect, there's some guys sitting in a bedroom going, I was gonna kill my dad, I heard your song, it turned me around, I had a gun in my mouth and I heard your tune and it got me through COVID, whatever. It's pretty unbelievable. So you're just, you kids out there pursue that dream, go out there, live your lives or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, but then there's a trillion people going why haven't i made it yet yeah they suck there's more of that i tried to do a bit about that 20 years ago these athletes they're like i was gonna i wasn't gonna let my mother down i had to make it to the nfl but the same thing it was like 20 to 1 for guys that were like i'm not gonna let you down mom and then they're like, sorry, Mom, I couldn't, I wasn't fast enough. Yeah, that happens more times than not. But that's why you got to love a Muggsy Bogues or something. Because everybody's going, not only do nobody make it in this field, you're definitely not

going to make it, and he made it. Right. Pretty good. Speaking of Muggsy Bogues, how about that Gary Veeder dad pod? Are you excited for that? Oh, dude, we had him on the pod, the other pod. His stories are unreal. I mean, just the fact that he just used his son

for his own personal gain and the other cocaine stuff and the beating the mom. I mean, it's cold. It's crazy. Gary Veeder, new podcast. What's it called? My Dad Sucks, Dad of the Year. Dad's gay, something. Yeah, I Can't remember. My father's gay. I

have no idea. Just look up Gary Veeder. Find Gary Veeder because I'm pumped because this has been going on for a long time because during COVID we would walk every day together. Yes. And he was telling me these stories. He's going to make it happen and now it's happening. I know. I know. I'm pumped and it's like a, a cereal. What do you call that? Where it's like eight parts. Yeah. And there's a twist. So you know, serial, that podcast called Serial Changed

the World. Yeah, yeah, that was big. That was big. So it's like that, and I hope he sells this, because everything he was saying, I was like, this is a movie. This is a Hollywood picture right here. It's better than any Netflix bullshit.

Oh yeah, and also it's interesting, because there's a lot of layers, because you could see how he would look like a good dad. You know, sure he's lying,'s stealing he's cheating but you're like Gary's hanging out with Wayne Gretzky and Bill Murray and Michael Jordan Saw Shaq's dick. I heard I heard not impressive. Is that right? Yeah well I think when you're going in with the Shaq dick idea you're going in big so whatever you see you're like not what I pictured Yeah, you're only gonna be disappointed, but I picture it has like you know angles. Oh, yeah throbbing sure sure Gary city

He swung on it Right, but yeah, that's gonna be big we gotta get a gift give that a go Can we get a name on that for a proper plug look up Gary Veeder on Instagram? He posted it today a trailer proper plug. Look up Gary Veeder on Instagram. He posted it today, a trailer. It looks unbelievable. Wow, he got his sister in there talking about how she walked away from her dad. She ran away from home because he was such a menace that it broke up the whole family. It is. It's fascinating, but yet he knows Marc Messier and Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan Shaquille O'Neal. I mean, those photos are priceless. He's on the ice, ice level for the

Rangers winning the Stanley Cup. The Cup, Jerry. Looks like it's number one dad. Number one dad. There you go. I don't care for the title. I have that mug. But, yeah, that's exciting. And it's coming out for Father's Day, which is fun. Oh, clever, clever.

Father's Day. So close to Father's Day. That's true. Hey. Father's Day. That's a merch. Folks, Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by Bespoke Post life doesn't have many mysteries anymore shake things up with a box of awesome

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So where have you been? What are you up to? I don't know how much time we have but I got a lot to unload on you. Please hit me with it. New England baby I was all over it. New England? That's where I'm from. That's right. So I had to go to New Haven to do the College Street Music Hall. Okay. New Haven, cute town, guns waving, New Haven. You got the pizza, you got the poverty, you got the Yale. Yale. So, you know, you go to New Haven, it's two hours away, Doug Key's opening, meet him up in Queens. He stayed in Astoria, meet him in Queens, we drive there, hit the Sandy Hook traffic,

which I always say is the worst thing to happen in Sandy Hook, and of course you wait we get there at five we go right to eat at Pepe's. Frank Pepe! Pepe's is bumping I mean there's a line around the dick it's like they're adding rooms to the place it's so big. Always legendary. We got the clam pie as you do you get the pep, the ricotta, whatever. I don't eat bread. I'm off bread. I've been off bread for the last three years. Okay. But I gotta eat pepes. Sure. Well, it's not bread. It's pizza. Oh, that's all bread. Well, it's different. No, no. That's a bread factory. That's all pizza is, is bread. Well, you don't order a loaf of pizza.

I guess you're right, but I mean, you're basically putting sauce and a meat on a bread. Yeah, that's the best thing that's ever happened. It's great. I love it, but I went from no bread to, it's like I went gay overnight. I went from no sucking dick to a full on pride orgy. Yeah, you got Shaq's dick in your ass. Exactly. And it felt like it.

So I can't stop. It's so good I haven't had bread in a while. So it's like I got that taste of That human meat. I can't stop eating like a dog. Absolutely And I ate 800 pounds of pie and then of course the waiter was like, I'm a Tuesday We went in the kitchen. We saw the big oven. I felt like a Nazi. We took a photo Pretty cool in there. You got to go in the kitchen of Frank Pepe? Yes, yes. I mean this is crazier than being on the field at Tampa Bay Stadium or whatever the fuck.

You could go in there. They're gays. Frank Pepe's? I can go to the oven? Get in the oven. I got in it. I took a photo. I laid down. I put baking powder on me. One more letter from that school goes to this kid's house in the fucking oven You're gonna go head first They put me on the big the big spoon or whatever they threw me in there the big spoon By the way, those things are about 20 feet long cuz the the oven has to be able to you know, occupy 900 pizzas Sure occupy Wall Street. Yeah, so they Shove that thing in and then they hang it up on the ceiling because it's it's got to get out of the way

Uh-huh. It's quite an establishment in the Sally's and there's Antonio's it's a whole industry It's a little little Italy little little Havens fascinating because you have the Ivy League school Then just a shithole where you're gonna get stabbed and shot and raped and killed crazy And then you have like a little Italy that's this big yes, the mob is there mob is there. Yes. So that's like kind of nice. Yes, yes. The little Italy's built on a stitch of garbage, graffiti, nothing. Just wops all day long with guns. I think it's, yeah, I think it's wise guys. And then you walk a block over, you get stabbed, then you walk two blocks over, and you're in with the future presidents of America. Exactly.

And Yale is beautiful. It looks like Harry Potter it's all these stone buildings from 1801 or whatever but the green which is their little Central Park right it is talk about Occupy it's wild in there they said they had a hundred and fourteen deaths in one day just from overdoses oh in the green like a week ago wow so I guess they're weeding themselves out. That's great. New Haven, every city in Connecticut is a bit of a shithole.

Yeah, you have. Bridgeport. Yes. You got your Greenwich. Right. That's the weird thing. There's not much in the middle. What is that, Fairfield?

Fairfield. It's another affluent. Yeah. Connecticut and New Haven itself are like microcosms for America. Yes, like just extreme poverty and then extreme wealth, like a mile apart from each other. Exactly. And it doesn't feel like a state that has no culture. I can't. There's not a sports team. I can't get my head around Connecticut.

Like, what the fuck? You can't pin it down. What is your thing? I hate Connecticut. It's a New England state that roots for the Yankees it's got that light blue they have Yukon the basketball they got a basketball that's a universe that's something but yeah Hartford they used to have the Hartford Whalers but they're gone it's crazy to think there's a professional sports team in Hartford Connecticut I know I know. Well, that was a booming town, but now it's, uh, you'd go to work and you'd brrrr, hightail out of there before you get clubbed. It's not something they're the Hartford Whalers, but Hartford's landlines. Not even an ocean

town. So put that in your pipe and blow me. But, uh, yeah, Connecticut, it's got no jizz. Nothing, Jerry. It's just a, well, Doug put it well. He's like, that's why it's called Connecticut. You just connect there. It's a connector state to Rhode Island, Boston, whatever. And, uh, it's got nothing. And I talked about this on stage and I swiftly got booed, but, uh, I didn't realize it's a college town.

I'm going there in. Midsummer night dream. It's a college town. I'm going there in midsummer. Right. Night dream. So we sold nothing and the people who showed up were blackout drunk. So it was a slug fest to say the least. Well this is the thing with Connecticut too.

It's not a real market. There's no market there. That's market normant. Hartford Funny Bone is one of the least desirable Funny Bones. I'm happy to work there but it's a. Well it's Manchester. It's Market Normand. Hartford Funny Bone is one of the least desirable funny bones. I'm happy to work there, but it's a... It's Manchester. It's tough one. Manchester, Connecticut, and then you know, there's whatever the other clubs at Bridgeport has two clubs now, New York Comedy Club and Stress Factory. Well, what is Stanton, Stamford? Stamford, yeah, the city that works. That's the old nickname.

I guess the WWF is there. Oh, okay. But they're, and then you know who else is there is the Sacklers. Oh. Who that's all the homeless people comes directly from these pieces of shit. Wow, they're keeping that whole state afloat.

Yeah, they're, well, we'll get to it. Did you watch that thing with Michael Keaton? I did, yeah. That's one of the few shows I've watched. That guy, that's the lead Saton? I did, yeah. That's one of the few shows I've watched. That guy that's the lead sackler. Oh, he stinks. So bad in that movie. So bad.

And Saturday night, I couldn't stop laughing, because he kept being like, 300 milligrams. Yeah. He kind of had this weird voice. And Keaton was great, as always. Sure. Love Keaton. Yes, yes.

Dying Keaton is good. I would love to know Michael Keaton. Doesn't he just seem like one of those guys? He seems funny. Yeah, well, he Michael Keaton. Doesn't he just seem like one of those guys? He seems funny and Yeah, well he did stand up. He's in Batman. Do you want to just get him in a headlock and pick his dick? Well, I always say this that must have been so crazy That Michael Keaton became Batman and it's I always use you like it'd be like if you were just Batman Like he's a nightclub stand-up comic. He's a goofball on A&E's even the improv and then a few years later

Yes, he went from Mr. Mom to the Dark Knight. Can you imagine if they were just like did you hear Stavros is Batman? Right well Kumail is a fucking hawkeye or whatever that's true I've never seen I don't know Kumail and I've never seen that movie or show or whatever the fuck so you've got Kumail but nice guy and ripped as a as a two dollar bill you'd make a good Batman don't you think I don't know Joker what are you crazy get out of here have you fun all right now the Riddler's gay come on who would be the best Batman who's the best comedian to play Batman maybe Hanley Hanley Phil Hanley push him

over a stiff breeze would knock him over. I don't think Michael Keaton's the most buff guy ever. That's true, but I just picture Batman with a cardigan on and a deadhead fucking hat. Robin, we got a bogey. We got a bogey. So yeah, I don't know, that's a tough one. Soter's kind of, he's got a good build. I guess so. And he's a good looking guy.

He's got the deep voice. That could be something. The deep voice is nice. He could do a good Batman impression. Well he'd be doing impressions of the Penguin as Batman, it'd be a little off-putting. But Soda would have to hit the gym for a few months, I think. He's not exactly, you know, tip-top. No, no, no, no, he's a bottom.

He's got the voice, the jaw, that's something. Yes, good jaw. He's got to have great teeth to be in there okay maybe Morrill Morrill he's got the dark voice he's got the dark features he doesn't know his dad a Batman it'd be a good Batman but again it's hard to picture Sam running full speed and jumping from one building to the other now Jewish Batman's a tough, that's a tough look. Good point, good point, yeah.

They'll be like, what, the Joker, I don't know. Ah, you gotta hand him Pepto in the Batmobile. Chuck's got an idea. DeStefano. DeStefano Batman. Yeah, he's a good looking guy, he's a little too funny. Yes, he's got the good jaw though. That's not a bad one.

Chris DeStefano would be good. He's pretty athletic. He's big. Great jaw. Strong. Nice cock. I got many photos of his cock on my phone. But you don't want Bruce Wayne sending you shit photos. That's a little weird. No. Dick pics and all that. But he's a good one. Dick Greason.

Who else could be good? I mean, Shane could literally play a Batman villain. Like, I mean, not play, but like get cast. That's how big he is right now. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally. And he's friends with Patton. He's friends with Batman. I mean Shane could literally play a Batman villain like I mean not play like get cast Yeah, totally and he's friends with Patton. He's friends with Batman. How crazy is this? Is he? Yeah, I mean it was at the show at the Greek Pat and Oswald Robert Pattinson Oh, I see By the way, someone told me a story that at that show that I was at with Zac Efron Robert Pattinson a Comic walked up to Robert Pattinson was like I love what at with Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson, a comic walked

up to Robert Pattinson and was like, I love what you did for the franchise. And Robert Pattinson responded, which one? Ooh. Because I think he's in Twilight. Yes, yes. So he's like, he's in two different franchises. Geez, I might buy a Wendy's franchise. Okay, well, yeah, that's, damn, that's crazy. It's good response.

I'm trying to think of other Batman's Christie's good. This Davros would be good fat man Doug Key, that's a good Batman. There you go. He's not gonna put asses in the seats. I don't think but no no Doug Key is the most Batman a Batman. Maybe I'll go Bobby Kelly his body Doug Keys body looks like the bat suit. It does, yes. He's got the big nips, he's got pointy ears. That could work.

Anyways, so you do have the big gig with Doug Key. Show's good, show's not good. Show is okay, we got through it, but like every A line got a hit, but every A minus got zero. It was one of those gigs where you're like, oh, I got to step all this up. It was kind of interesting because you see where your weaknesses are, because it's not just a hot crowd that's giving it up. Right.

Well, ooh, it was tough. And so there's a guy there. Last year I did the gig with Umar, and there's a guy named Dave, who is a gay Jewish police officer cowboy. Wow, that's a lot of fantasies in one. Lot of check boxes there. He's like the village fantasy in one. A lot of check boxes there. He's like the village people in one group. He is yes. So he knows the whole

town. He was the sheriff of New Haven for like 10 years. So he knows there he walks down the street and he's got a cowboy hat on, he's got 30 rings, he's got a shirt open. So they go hey Dave, there's Dave. So he goes I don't know what you guys wanna do after. And I go, we're driving to Boston. I ate 900 pounds of pizza, I bombed. We're going to Boston, because we got a show there, we're gonna get the drive over with, sleep in Boston,

we already got a hotel. Love waking up in the city you're supposed to be in. Yes, so he goes, all right, you guys do whatever you want. So now the show's over, I'm covered in sweat. I can't get it up I'm having a drink and he goes, what do you want to do? And I go we're driving to Boston and he goes, okay I just want to let you know I roped off a Section of the cigar store cigar bar, whatever It's yours if you want it

Otherwise you can do whatever you please I I look at Doug and Doug, we both struggled and he goes, ah we should probably drive to Boston. We got the hotel there already, we don't have a hotel here. And I go, yeah you're right. And he gives you that puppy dog face, Gay Dave. And he's like, alright, dude, section roped off. And I go, maybe we'll get one. What? But a cigar is an hour and a half. Well, I could put out a cigar. Okay, that's a good point.

I've never seen you finish a cigar. Exactly. So I go, we'll get one. So you go in there, it's two doors down from the theater. Okay. So the whole sidewalk is packed with people from the show. So now I'm getting goose and titty-twistered by everybody on the sidewalk. You go in the bar, everyone from the show is at the bar. So now you're

getting your ass kicked, you're getting headlocked, you're getting high-fived. We get to the roped off place, we get the cigars, you light them, you have one drink, and then they're like, well, hey, that fat guy over there sent you a drink and he goes, wow, I can't turn that down. So now you have two. Four hours later, 17 drinks later, Gay Dave is on my lap. I'm sucking his tits. I'm telling stories about the old, the 80s. And so I look at Doug, he's banged up. He's got two cigars in his mouth and a cock in his ass.

And I go, well, what do you think? And he goes, let's do it. Let's drive to Boston. So we're banged up. We're hammered. It's four hours later. It's like 3 in the morning. We drive to Beantown.

Oh my god. We were swerving and swaving. I mean, we pulled a full Ted Kennedy. I think we hit eight women on the road and they all died, but we got there We love Teddy. She deserved it. Chappaquiddick. She should have learned to swim. Yes. Yes We all would have done the same thing But it was one of those things where we're both in the car and I'm like, whoa, hey, whoa, you're off on there You know the the rumble strip

And he's like, oh geez. All right, and then we get to it was like time travel. You know you're like Oh, it's 4 a.m.. Now we're in Boston There you go. It's one of the perks of poison and alcohol now we get to bean town We found the hotel at the seaport. Oh Goddamn, well, it's really close to the theater. What's theater Schubert? Oh, I love the Shoeb No one talks about the Shoeb Shoeb is great. It's where we premiered thebert. Oh I love the Schubert. No one talks about the Schubert. Schubert is great. That's where we premiered the movie. Oh really? Yeah. Oh it's all Wilbur, all Wilbur, but Schubert is up there. Schubert is great. That's a great old room. It's very quaint. It's like, it's beautiful and ornate.

Ornate? Yes. It's lunch. It's got the big giant chandelier. The seats are red and pretty and all the decorations. Great room. Great room you get the the Wilbur the Wang Why is huge Wang's big? That's like 3,000? Oh wow okay? Well one day, but I was always a Wilbur guy I'm like I'd rather do eight Wilbur's and two Schubert's, but I got in there, and I was like fuck it Let's do Schubert's nice. Amy Schubert so We get to the seaport. Now me and Doug are two drunk idiots.

We're on the side of the road. We go up to the hotel and they go, no parking. You can park in a lot for $68 a day. And me and Doug are like, we can find parking. So now we're two drunk guys doing this shit. Tuesday, street cleaning from 4 to 401, but on holidays, your mom's a whore and you're like, what the hell? And we're two idiots and it says like towing, you're going to get towed.

Oh boy. So we find this tiny spot, so Doug has to parallel park it in and I'm going, pull it back, pull it back, hits the car behind him, hits the car in front of him, the homeless guy walks by and goes, you guys are going to hell, and we killed him, get up to the room. Okay, kill him. We check in, two rooms, I cover him, I get up to the room, the wife's in there, passed out. Your wife's already there?

She's already there, because she showed showed up and she got into the room. Wow. And so that's kind of fun. You're just like, oh, there's a naked lady here. Love a naked lady. Love a naked man. And we cuddle and I pass out. Go to the, we go to a barbecue.

I don't know how much time we have. We have a few minutes. Okay, okay. So we wake up. I'm hung over as shit. It's the big show day, two shows of the Schubert. So we go, well, let's go. We got to go see your in-laws.

So I'm like, all right, here we go. You're on no sleep. You're hung over. We get downstairs. The car's there. OK, that's good. Thank god. Doug's a sweet guy.

He went down at 7 or 8 in the morning to see if it was still there and then went back to bed. Good man. Now this is what's great about Doug. He doesn't want to go see the in-laws. No. I don't want to go see the in-laws, but he does it. He goes with you. He goes and he drove. Now what does the wife think about this? You're just bringing your buddy along to the family? She likes it. The more the gayer. Okay, that's nice. So we go to the in-laws. We go their house, there's kids, boy I'm good with kids. I wrestle with these kids in the lawn for like two hours of sweating booze, I smell like gin and we have a couple of hot dogs, we watch the diving competition, make some jokes. Diving? That's all that was on. Who watches diving? I think you put on something

neutral. I see,. I like sports any sport I'll put it on I watch it and they're in Speedos. It was in Boston So it was like at the seaport so I'm like oh, that's right by our hotel that guy's got a huge dong He's got a fat ass. It was fun. No kidding. Yeah, so we're hungover. I have a couple of high noon's get back in the Reality get back to the hotel shower go to the Schubert in reality, get back to the hotel, shower, go to the Schubert. Now, how about this? We go to the Schubert.

I go to Doug's room to hand him something. I was like, what, what do you got a suite? He got the suite. Oh, classic. You hate the suite. Classic move. This is classic. They give the other guy the suite. You're in there in the tiny ass old room.

It's a 350 year old hotel, you've got a hot piece of ass over there, he's got abs and a baby, he's got the suite. Headliner, headliner. That's outrageous. But you know, it's too late, she's got all her dildos and tampons everywhere, so we can't switch now. Well I blame her, she should have been like, we got the suite, I'm the wife of Mark Norman, god damn it.

Well the hotel was just like, oh you're not the guy on the list. Oh, so they gave her the other key, the other Doug key. So we got the Doug key. I would tell you what I would have done. I would have said, Hey, Doug, you come in this room, you fuck my wife. I'll be in the suite with all the random bitches. That's what I do. That would be nice. That's what I, anytime I'm on the road, they switch hotel rooms. I let a local guy fuck my wife. Well, the beauty is I'm looking at Doug, I'm like, is this a sweet? Holy shit, this is huge.

Giant living room, great view. And he goes, oh yeah, yeah, I guess they gave us the wrong room. I'm like, you knew this. Yeah, I know. You knew, but I don't blame him. He got the nice room and he let it ride. He really is a sweet guy. Aha.

Hello, folks. Doug Key. So, yeah, so that was a bummer, but we did two shows in the Schubert. I got to say, Boston crowds are unmatched. It's just something in the air. And it's a Saturday night. The Celtics are playing tomorrow. And we're in the theater district.

It's just too sold out. They give it up over there. Boston's the best. I mean it's just great crowd because they're funny people, they know funny, they know comedy, there's a rich comedy history, and you got really smart people and really dumb people can buy, which I always say is the best audience. You want a combination of conservative and liberal, smart and dumb, and comedy fans, and Boston's a great consumer of the arts. Completely agree.

Bulger showed up at the end. We hugged. Just a great time. The only problem is these Schubert theaters are so nice. There was no water. No water? You don't get any water there. What?

I was like, you got a bottle of water? They're like, nah, you got to bring that. I was like, oh, they're very uniony. You spend eight seconds on stage extra, they charge you. I think you could have got some water. Well, I went into the sink and did a full lap dog. But yeah, great crowds, we got some good, I opened by talking about the marathon, killing.

I mean, it was just like, they are up for it. No, they know and they get it and it's a great city and it's my home sweet home, I fucking love it. Loved it, loved it, went out after the Schubert and flew home. Now here's what sucks about Bean Town. You go, ah, I'm gonna fly home, I'll get in early, it's an hour flight, delayed four hours.

Shoulda taken the train. Oh! I know, I feel like that happens with the short flights for some reason those get delayed more. I think because they're smaller planes maybe so they can't handle the fucking... Maybe that's it so I'm just sitting in the lounge like oh man if I had Amtrak that I'd be home by now. That's horrible. A four hour delay for a flight. Yes. Four hour train ride. It's vexing. That's I mean that's just the

worst thing I've ever heard in my life. The worst but you know whatever I got in last night, watched Dr. Strangelove, put my feet up, had a cocktail and here we are. There's nothing better than a Sunday evening of the night off, you come back, you fly home. I got home last night and turned on the NBA Finals which ended six weeks ago. I'm assuming the Celtics are world champions if you're listening now that would be pretty devastating if they're not. Did they win? Oh yeah. Alright! How do you like that? I like it a lot. Alright well yeah the Knicks died, the Rangers died, the Bruins died. Yeah. So at least you got something.

I got something baby. Oh we got something alright. Hey speaking got something. Yeah, I got something, baby. Oh, we got something all right. Hey, speaking of something, two days from now, July 10th, I'm at the Gramercy with the regs. We're doing a live regs. Hope you got video. First time ever doing that, so check that out. Yeah, we had an episode that wasn't filmed, infuriating. People are still upset about it. Next weekend, I'm at the Atlanta Punchline.

Love that room, happy to be back. Hotlanta. Woo! That is July 18, 19, and 20. And then the week after that, July 25th, the Crocodile in Seattle. Rock Club, one night only, a Thursday. I'm very excited about that.

Come on out to that. And then just a few weeks away, I'm doing Milwaukee Improv August 2nd and 3rd. Magoobies in Timonium, Maryland August 8th, 9th and 10th and then of course the Cape Cod Melody tent that's a stand-up comedy show along with Lewis Gomez, Dan Soder, Bobby Kelly we're doing stand-up Rich Voss is hosting. Hell yeah. And then Sidesplitters one of my favorite rooms ever you know you know you know how it is. August 22nd through the 24th. Join that Patreon. We got some badass behind the

scenes stuff. Mark and I riffing and raffing. Yes. Along with Soder backstage. Salacuse is in there. Oh yeah. See how the sausage is gay. I mean it's all, you get to come in that green room and then you get to come on us. Oh, it's a lot of fun. So go check those out. Get on there. Five bucks a month. It's fucking a cup of coffee. There you go. Fuck those African kids with the distended belly. I'm going to be in Baton Rouge at the Raising Canes River Center. I went to college there. I lived on Hyacinth for years.

So come out and support a Louisiana Jew Pensacola theater in Pensacola haven't been there since spring break of 88 Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Never been to the Dakotas. Very exciting Dakota fanning. Cedar Rapids at the Paramount Theater Rockford, Illinois Rockford files, May, oh boy, Rochester, Minnesota, hello. Just to name a few, Richmond, Virginia, Greensboro, North Carolina, Anaheim, California, Thousand Oaks, California. So come on out, marknomencomment.com, check us out on Punch Up, slash our names.

We got all kinds of goodies on the back nine. So see you in hell. What do you got there? Chuck E. Cheese. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We're doing our 100th episode live at the Comedy Connection, East Providence, Rhode Island on Sunday, July 21st. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

We do some, we've had some shows where we had big pranks commence live on stage at the end of the show. And I think for this one, we're having our biggest prank yet. So come out, go to funbearablepod.com for tickets. All right. Heard it here first. Sleep it up, Brayzalla.