Tuesdays with Stories! - #562 Ups and Downs Syndrome

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Joe and Mark take a strolllllllll down memory lane. We're talking studios, locations, and the future! The current studio time is winding down and the boys are looking for a new home. The boys discuss the perils of reason, language and beliefs! PLUS - beefing up the great people of Scotland. It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for a 1-dollar-per-month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose a playlist. Ay-ya-ya-ya! Hey, hey folks! We're the Monkees and we love mugging around. We're the homos. It is mid-July, if you can believe it. I don't believe it.

The future is real. That's crazy. I mean, it's mid-July. It's hot out there. You know what we should do is like, Conan used to, Bill Maher does this when he takes a break. He does like future headlines. Oh.

You know, we're recording a little bit ahead of time. We should try to predict what's happened between recording and July 15th. Uh-huh. Like if you're listening to this, Biden is dead. My father's gay. Trump got raped in prison. The Celtics won the championship.

Uh, yeah. OJ came back, it was a hoax. What else? We're kicked out of this apartment or whatever. You're moving out in a couple or whatever. You're moving out in a couple of weeks. I'm moving out. Taylor Swift got her private jet crashed. You know what's funny? Sarah was asking, I think we talk about this a lot, but Sarah

was asking me, she's like, how long has it been since you guys were at Stand Up Labs? What do you think? What year did we leave Stand Up Labs? Well, what year we start? 2013, September of 2013. I bet we left in 15, because we did the room. No, you're out of your mind. We were there for years. Okay, maybe 16, because we did the room, then we did the other room.

Remember that? We did the other room, but that was, no, because the Springsteen McCartney story happened at Stand Up Labs. No way. Which that one we had no camera rolling for. Yeah, we were there for years. Okay, well yeah, I guess you're right. I think 2016 was eight years ago. OK, well, yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe 2016 was eight years ago.

So we moved from stand up labs to your old apartment, the 10th Street apartment. Yeah, we were there for a long time. Yeah. Then we moved to your current department. Yeah, we were there for a long time. Were we? Quite a while, because that's where Chuck came in. Oh, that's right. We were there for a while. Sans Chuck pandemic, probably through. Oh, the pandemic was a full year. We did Zoom for like

a year. Shelby died. Shelby passed away. Well, Shelby got us this place. Oh, how'd that happen? So I think Labs, we must have left Labs. It must have been more like 2018. Man, we have just kept on chugging. I mean, that's a lot of locations. I mean, think about it. I was saying this to Sarah this morning. 11 years is a long time weekly to be collaborating with a human being. You got that right, fatty. I mean, we go back a ways and we have, you know, we've dealt with all the changes.

I know. Well, we are resilient. We're like cockroaches. I mean look at Rogan he's on two locations. The whole time. The whole time we're on nine or whatever the hell you said. Wow LA to Austin. Now how long has Rogan been in Austin for? Because that's quite a while now. Three and a half years. Something like that. Three years at all. Remember when everyone moved to Austin for 10 minutes and then like I guess a lot of people stay but at all. Remember when everyone moved to Austin for 10 minutes and then like I guess a lot of people stay but

Segura Rogan, Brian Simpson, Tony And now Shane, but like Tim moved moved out Tim Dillon, right Theo went to Nash, right Smashville. Yeah overrated city. Oh Really? I hate the Nash. I call it fucking Crashville. You can't get breakfast, you can't park. Too many bachelor parties. Get real.

There you go, you heard it here first folks. This guy, hot take, hot chicken. My opinion, Raleigh greater than Nashville. Well, the problem with Raleigh is everybody's moving there. What? Raleigh's a hot spot. Well, it's a Raleigh is everybody's moving there. What? Well, Raleigh is a hot spot. Well, it's a Delta. I'm moving there. It's a Delta hub. Cheap fabric and dim lighting. It's a good, good, good.

It's a college town. Right. They got a good club. That's about it, though. And then what's the Durham is Raleigh Durham? What is that? The retarded uncle? That's another city. That's over there. I's Durham? There's Raleigh Durham. What is that, the retarded uncle? That's another city, that's over there. I see. There's Durham, there's Raleigh, there's Charlotte,

there's, what's the other one there, the other big one? I guess that is the other big one. Greensboro. Greensboro. Yeah. I don't like these double airports. It's like a bisexual, I don't believe it. Oh, that was the saddest snap I've ever heard. Well, then the Sea-Tac is its own town.

You think it's half Seattle, half Tacoma, but it's a town called Sea-Tac. It's a hall. Oh, this is going to be a bigger one. This is a humdinger. There you go. There you go. Classic. Classic, standard, run-of-the-mill fart.

Woo! That smells like rotten cheese. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh that is wild that is heinous no ex-wife maybe that's one of the future things. Maybe you've gotten divorced in the weeks. God willing. That would not be surprising. We'll see. Hey, I think we're all a little impressed by this long.

Yeah, longer than I thought. Everyone goes, ah, give it a year, less than a year. We had a pool going, an uber pool. Boy, that wedding was fun, that bachelor party was fun. I hope you get divorced. So we can do it again? So we can do it all over again. I can get my hands on that wife of yours. The irony is, oh, that's a curve ball. Didn't see that coming. But the irony is if I got divorced and I got remarried, I'd ask the ex to do the wedding. What do you mean? Well, because she killed that wedding. That was all her. Oh, planet. I would I would ask her to plan the wedding, which I don't know if that's frowned upon. Now, let me ask you this.

And I've asked you before. This is not lingering or this is not going away. Let me ask. Don't worry about the smell. Forget the smell. Move on. Forget it. Smell. Oh, where is that wedding visite? Oh, I'm telling you, that was a hot party. Something happened. Did you fuck a kid on that video?

So I think I lost a Katrina or something happened, but yeah, that's gone. I don't know. The guy was Mexican. He got deported. I would love to see that video because I was all up in the video. I mean I was singing and dancing. We were going crazy and I was fucking every girl in there. I fingered two women on the dance floor. Yeah, I think one was the wife, but the guy sent me a video of the highlights. You weren't in it. So you got snipped. There's no way.

You got cut out. I was the ally. See the photo. Look at the Salacuse photo. That's a beauty. Salacuse is a real artist. I gave the speech, I sang a song. That was Salacuse's idea, we danced, you touched

my leg. I was all over that dance floor. Look at that, perfect. The hair is flying like you're in a wind tunnel. Oh, it's beautiful. Salacuse, by the way, not his best work. He's usually better than this. Yeah, this is the worst thing he's ever done. It is on a piece of wood, so who knows? It's not HD. I'm going to message your wife and say, hey, send over a dick pic in that wedding video because it was a hell of a hoot and a nanny. Please, you talk to her and I won't. But yeah, yeah, let me know how that goes because I'd like to see some of that too because the night was a blur.

You know how it is. You're getting bombarded. You're getting a dick in every hole and your airtight, and the whole thing's over in two shakes. That was something else though. That was a lot of fun. What a week. I mean, that was special.

What a speech. Killed it. Big speech. Speech class. My wife didn't come. That was nice and it was just fantastic. My wife never does. But yeah, yeah, that was a perfect night.

And the next day it rained, so it was almost like we slid right under the buzzer there. Is that right? Where did I go the next day? I must have flown home the next day. Crazy situation. That was November 11th, 2022. And Sam stayed out all night drinking,

went to the casino with Ari and Stavros, ate a po'boy at five in the morning, got on a plane at 7 a.m. to open for Sandler. How cool is that? Like everybody was in and out. Soder was like, I just came from Philly to New Orleans tomorrow I'm taking my lady and we're going to Cleveland. I mean it was just, there was flights in and out of there, it was a whole to do. Oh, I do remember the next day because I went out with Ari and his boyfriend there. The three of us went. Oh, yeah. And the hand man was there. It was just it was worlds colliding. It was so fun. I got my college mook jerk off idiot buddies and then all the comics and then the wife's family my family

Cuckoo bananas now wedding is a fun thing to do marry Chuck's plug in a married three four women I think you're polygamist if you could oh yeah Good idea that seems like a lot of fun managing nine wives These are getting better every time I mean you do that two more times times and that's going to be full on die-hard-ia. That sounded like my son's shits. That's crazy. That sounded like a bag of peanut butter just slipped out of a duck's asshole. And the duck's asshole slipped out of his bag. Now, what do you think?

Do you ever think we should change the song or the intro? No. One song for life. I mean, if we change that, it's going to be 9-11 on the comments. Just what the hell? I was used to this, and I don't like change, and I hate my dad.

It's very little has changed in this podcast besides the location. The song is the same. Producers different. The producers different. We've had some good ones and some not so good ones. I won't name names. Some ups and downs syndrome. God damn this room. You got another one? It's a small room man. It's a hotbox gas

chamber here. And those sweatpants aren't doing any favors for holding in the ectoplasm. Normally I think my farts are funny but this is really disgusting. I can't breathe out of my honker because it's it's too much for the nostrils. Well I think my farts are funny, but this is really disgusting Honker because it's it's too much for the nostrils. Well, you know what I did. I did a couple ginger shots. Oh Touch of laryngitis well, you know what the irony is a If we get thrown out of here won't be a noise complaint. It's gonna be a sniff complaint Well who moves into here who would take this place? There's no windows the elevator shaft is louder than my sister's asshole on a Wednesday.

I don't know, yours is pretty loud too. Hold on. Oh man, get this guy a diaper and a Tums. This is a biohazard. We're in our 40s. Our combined age is 83. Hahaha! Is that wild?

That was at 83 on the Richter scale, but everyone else has a window, by the way. It's just us in this ISIS bunker. Like, who wants this room? It's 7 by 14. Now, this is where they shoot kiddie porn and Hamas headless videos. I mean, it's literally, like the elevatoreds just all day going off and you can hear all the neighbors

You hear the toilets flushed too. You hear the the pipes Yeah, so herds and miscarriages the next one. What should we do? Should we get a studio a real studio? Should we go to Gotham? Should we go to some other studio? I'm down with Gotham. They do good work They do clips the guy would handle handle everything, but it's a, it ain't cheap. We were getting kind of breaking even. We got the fucking bill burrow and we break even. That's crazy. It's not good. So I like that. What's his face guy? Uh, Mike Albany's. Oh, Albany's. Yeah. Then you move another one. We have two people around here that are like, I run a place, I'll give you guys a great deal. Two different people.

Okay. A great deal, cause the apartment would be nice. Now if I moved down to Battery Park, like we're planning now, then we could really, I would go there in a heart dick. Yeah, we're not gonna move there though. Oh really?

Nah, I don't think so. Damn, you tease me. Well, I guess you're going to bum fuck Jersey. We liked the idea for a year or two, you know, cuz you get the pool But then you look on a paper you're like I'm moving away from the airport To have more money more rent True, but you can't live your life based on an airport. I mean you were gonna go to Belmar or whatever the fuck Well, I'm not I'm talking I'm not talking permanent residents residence I'm talking for a year or two for fun you know. Let's be honest you've

slowed down on the road you got a fat man to hug and then nuzzle and nizzle and all that. Slow down the road I'm doing 42 weeks this year. Oh I thought you cut it in half with the toddler. What are you crazy I was just in I've been I'm all over the map here I'm in Atlanta September. I work five weeks in a row Oh, wow. Okay. I didn't know. Yeah, I mean that airport 15 minutes Wow 15 15 minutes of the airport never in my life, but I never will it's pretty good. That is bonkos But yeah, be fun to be close to you close to the cellar close to the stand close to Quinn It's not just waking up in Manhattan.

It's a dream. I did it, but it was in Harlem, so it wasn't as dreamy. It was more like that. Nightmare-y. Yeah. No, it was great. I loved it. I don't want to come off like assholes here.

It was a wonderful time I had there. Great time. A lot of dog poo on the sidewalk. Absolutely. But I didn't really know you so well then. Yeah, well, I had to slide by. I saw you guys back in the day. I remember we were at comics. And there was something going on.

And I was chatting with you. And I was like, I think that went OK. Because you had Soder, and Nate, and Gomez, and Big Jay, and Dave Smith. It was like this whole group. You all knew each other. And I was off in Brooklyn with the Creefs. All from basketball.

My whole life was shaped by the Astoria basketball league. I did not know that. I came, I knew John Fish from Boston, he was my guy, and I went down there, he's like, hey, we play basketball Wednesday, so I went there, and I was buddies with Soda, that was the first friend I made, so I was like, hey, Dan, John Fish plays basketball,

that's where we met Nate, and Giannis, and Kurt Metzger and Big J and Dave Smith and Lewis. And that was like the gang. They all played? I can't imagine Metzger handling a ball. Metzger literally, that was one of the best laughs we ever had playing because he was covering,

I forget who he was covering, guarding, and someone was like, check the ball. And then we went to check the ball. He's like, this is the first time I've touched the ball today. We'd been there for like two and a half hours. Wow. So I handed the ball to check it in, and he was like, I haven't touched the ball.

He was terrible. And he wore like low top Converse All-Stars, like fucking Wilt Chamberlain in 1948. Oh, gee, those are the worst. They feel like you're stepping on cement. No, he was horrible, but yeah, who else played down there? Oh, Ted Alexandro. Yeah, yeah. I have to know him, Keith Abel but yeah who else played down there? Oh Ted Alexandro, you know him, Keith Alba-Stat who blew his knee out. Well that's the

crazy thing and I'm not trying to get a generational and philosophical here but doesn't it feel like you had no phones really? You just played basketball that's what you do. That's how you killed a day, you got outside, you saw some sunlight. That shit is all over. I don't think young comics like brand new comics the age you were when that was going down are doing that. Maybe they do. I don't know but now it's a day job. Comedy is a day job. Back then you had nothing to do during the day. Right. At least I didn't. That's why I've failed out of high school. But you know now I think you have to be making clips and posting things in podcasts.

Podcasts have really changed comedy very much. True, true that. Because I'm podcasting every day. Yes, true detective. I mean, we used to just be, I used to have nothing to do all day. And now when I don't have a podcast, I'm in the day like, whoa, here I am with all these free hours and I'm buying a coffee at noon and I'm walking to the park. It's a weird feeling. It's very weird and it's that classic thing that I think everyone

goes to like this what like retirement is like on a much larger scale but I'm like I'm tired of podcast I did four podcasts yesterday two tomorrow one and I have a Thursday I have nothing on the calendar and I'm like I'm the laziest fuck on the planet. I feel like a piece of shit, and I can't watch TV or movie during the day. I can't do it. That's not easy. That feels really lazy. I just can't do it.

I could go to the movies during the day, but now I have the kids, so it's harder. But that's why I love days, like the French Open just ended. I love an afternoon tournament. Wimbledon, the French Open, the US Open. I'm obviously a big tennis guy. But also like March Madness, when you're like, I have to watch this. It's during the day because you feel like, I can't watch it

later. Like a movie, you're like, I should watch when I'm done with work. But live sports, you're like, okay, this is all that's on right now. And you're doing something. You're out, you're getting some sun, you're watching a thing, you paid a ticket, they ripped it, you bought a Coke. Right, I'm talking at home, but also it's been open, it's doing better. Oh, sorry, I pictured you in Wembley, in London. Oh, yeah. Wimbledon. Wimbledon, sorry.

Fun word to say. Wimbledon. Yeah. I find that with Marlboro. Oh, yeah, that is fun. That is the hardest word for me to say. Marlboro. Give me a pack of Marlboro. How about these people that can't say Chipotle?

My dear friend Derek just can't say it. He says Chipotle. Yeah, that's a big one and then it says on the bag The only thing hard to pronounce is the name and I'm like, how is it hard to say Chipotle? But some people can't do it people got some problems. There's groundhogs day Which is no s you'll add that it's groundhog and then there's Valentine's It's time with an N. They say Valentine's? I hear Valentine's all the times. Weird. And then there's a couple other ones that people just can't get right and they

uh, what was the other one? Supposedly? Oh yeah, supposedly. It's supposedly. Right. And there's often. Library. What is it? Library. People say library. Ah, yeah. Library. February. Frigerator. Also, no one ever says the re in Frigerator. Go to the go to the Frigerator. No, I don't hear that. Go to the refrigerator. I hear refrigerator or fridge. You never hear Frigerator? Never hear Frigerator. Maybe I say Frigerator. Not on my watch. Go to the Frigerator. I hear that. Alright, alright. Maybe I'm the one that says it. Well

refrigerators weird because like why is it re? Are we doubling up on fridging? Well it was refrigerated before and then you refrigerated. Ah, but what if it wasn't refrigerated? I think it must have been or else it would have gone bad. Well if I buy a plum right out of the gate. Yeah good point or a pizza or a pizza. It was ovened. Yeah I don't re oven but sometimes you do reheat. Oh boy. Good point. I have a point. What's going on there. Refrigerator. You say on accident which is mind blowing to me. That's my thing. I think that's crazy. I tried to fix that since knowing you. People say on accident. I'm that's crazy. I tried to fix that since knowing you people say on accident I'm like, what does that mean on accident on accident? Just a just a way to say it by accident

No, is that proper? Maybe I'm crazy. Can on accident is that now problem? But sometimes you will say things so improperly for so long. They just go just make it a thing. Yeah, that's what your poll day is It's by accident. I'll look it up though There's a few more things my accident sounds like a guy though like oh This book was written by accident. Ah, that's why I go on on accident. That sounds like it was written On there, but wait a minute. You don't say by purpose Ah, you say i'm going on purpose on accident. So to me on makes more sense. By purpose. I think you could say by purpose.

I don't know. I mean my wife is gay by purpose. I got an answer. What are you finding? Okay we have an answer. It says it's based on age. Age? We're six months apart. I mean in general. It's not pedophilia here.

By accident was like how it started, and now it's been in steady decline since 1900, and it's turning into on accident. No kidding, 1900. What am I? I'm older than I thought. Well, that's like the other thing I think I've talked about here,

is that now it's the people saying really, they say actually. Kids. Oh. My nephew, all these young people, I even saw it on a commercial, they said it. Actually? Really? Yeah. How about that? Isn't that crazy? Well, literally has always been a problem. Well, literally is crazy. Well, that's one of the words we've just changed. Yes, yes. It's just an exclamation now. He literally bit the guy's head off. Yes, literally has come to mean figuratively.

Yes, yes. It's really strange. I thought of you the other day, I was watching a pod and somebody said something controversial and he's like, it's weird this is considered controversial because it's just a fact and you said this when we were stand-up labs which is like 2015 maybe. We're walking down Broadway, I remember the fucking Marshalls was on my right, I still remember you saying this, and you go, things are weird now, something's changing, was when it was all bubbling up, and you went, reason is edgy. Yes, reason is edgy.

That has never been more true, and it's getting more and more true as we get crazier. Yes, to be reasonable is quite edgy. That has never been more true, and it's getting more and more true as we get crazier. Yes, to be reasonable is quite edgy. Reason is edgy. Now you go, this many people are being killed by police. And you go, well, actually we have the numbers. And they go, fuck you, I'll kill you. And you're like, well, I just read off Google. You can't even say it.

I'm not even happy that you said that I said it. Isn't that funny? That's terrifying. That's what I'm talking about. People, that's like all the stuff that's going on in the world, I end up doing this. Oh, I haven't been following too much because I'm terrified.

Of course. I'm like, I don't know much about that. I haven't read anything about that. But then what really annoys me, I completely agree, but what's really frustrating is people go, shut up, nothing's weird, don't act like this is it. And you're like, so why am I scared? Right.

Why am I so scared if nothing's weird and everything's normal? No, I think people just don't want to go, yeah, you're right, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah. People just kind of run to their things and go, I'm staying here, I don't care what evidence you show me. Well, the most evident version of this is when you're on a podcast with somebody and the podcast ends and they go, could you delete that, could you delete that, I don't want

to get shit. And you're like, oh, why would you get shit? Because fucking everything's nuts! Of course. All right, that's what I needed of course. I love your of course. Well the people that, I mean these people are just like, there's no cancel culture, I'm like, well that's just insane, you're just an insane person.

So, well what do you say when they, like give me an example, because I never know what to say when they say that, to rebuttal. Well some people you just can't argue, like these people are just in denial. Sure. Which is hard, because you want to have dialogue

and everything. I love having dialogue. But sometimes people say that, and you're just like, OK, it's not even worth trying. It's like you can't argue with stupid people. Yeah, they're like, you don't think that you can't go, hey, what is some alt-right guy? I mean, just this, we're going to get comments.

Oh, yeah, people go crazy. Bunch of comments, I'm going to cancel culture again, or whatever. And I'm like, I'm not even we're gonna get comments. Oh yeah. I'm like cancel culture, yeah whatever. I'm like I'm not even talking about cancel culture itself. I'm talking about denying that it exists and then everyone gets mad at you. Why do they get so mad? Why can't they go, oh he's an idiot, he thinks cancel culture exists. They go, it doesn't exist, I'll kill you. And you're like, well wait, why are you so angry? Right, yeah I don't know and you're like, well there's been a million professors fight. like even because people think of like celebrities, you're like removed from the celebrities. Look at all the teachers and the people who's working normal jobs that were fired from their jobs for

saying even remotely anything. The Mexican guy who did this in a photo, right? And that was a white power symbol. So he got fired. He was a truck driver, got fired. And they're like, this guy's got to go back to his family and he went I did this And the wife's like would you really do he's like I did this in a picture I mean look out just Google professors fired right it's yeah, there's a long list and Yeah, one professor got fired for saying ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen like whoa You didn't talk about my gender that gender and why is there only two he got fired for that Yeah, so it's it's a topsy-turvy world out there, folks, and you kids stay in school. But I

think I have something along these lines. Please, sorry, I got off on a... But that, of course, of yours, that has kept me going. I almost killed myself three times, but I have a problem, and you go, of course, that's crazy. And I go, ah, that's all I needed. It's very helpful to remember that people are crazy This is a crazy time and everyone's a bit insane because I get this all the time too I'm like this guy wrote this to me, and then you're like well this guy's a fucking lunatic Yeah, but taking the time to write people, but I mean how many people can you call crazy before you seem crazy? You know what I'm saying that's so I try to give them the benefit of the the anal but after a while you're like well everyone I know is crazy or am I nuts?

Well you got to see if I think sometimes you're like is there anything and you can ask people this like is there anything that you could hear that would change your opinion? That's good. And if they're like no which sometimes they'll they would deny that but they don't I mean, I'm not going to get specific, but there's certain things going on in the world where you go, what about this, this, and this? They'll go, that didn't happen. That's not real.

That was made up. Where'd you get that info? Yeah. And so you're like, OK, well, it's just not even worth talking about. Or you're like, is there any middle ground? Could this side and this side be fucked up? And they go, no, no, no, whatever. So.

Yeah, and my favorite one is they go, I never heard that. You're like, but that doesn't mean it's not true just because you haven't heard it. Just because you haven't heard it doesn't mean you're right. And also just, and literally anybody that says cancel culture is not real is crazy. They're an idiot or they're just in denial.

I think so too, but it's very popular opinion. Yes, but I think we're also in this sort of bubble. That's important to remember too because, yeah, Sara's always like, we're in the minority on this issue. I'm like, we're actually in the vast majority, but we live like a mile from Brooklyn where you're moving right into the heart of the fucking belly, which is crazy. Literally the craziest thing I can imagine. Everything you're saying, I mean, people, if they heard this, they would shoo you out of the neighborhood. Yeah. I mean, but you could go down to Sheepshead Bay or Bensonhurst and I think you'd be supported. Yeah. Are you moving to Sheepshead Bay by

any chance? No, no. Then I'd be 10 minutes from an airport. But, but any farts, let me get the, we're off the rails here, but this oh, okay long line snort a line and canceling some walk and I go for a walk You know, I like to walk around a big walk guy. It's offensive to people with a Handicap I'm walking around handicap is offensive. I think it's differently abled. I think it's unhoused. Well, whatever Unalived how about those? Oh, that's a fun one. That's crazy Anymore, yeah, it's a kill himself. one. That's crazy. You can't say dead anymore. You can't say kill himself. You can't say suicide. You can't say dead. Well, you know what gives me hope, and I will get into this, is the like,

Ozembic. Ozembic is wildly popular. We all know 12 people on Ozembic. Chuck needs it. It's the whole thing. But all we talk about was body positivity. You got to love me for who I am. I'm fat. Deal with it. But, you know, Ozembik is insanely popular. So which one is it? If you're so beautiful and big is beautiful,

why are you on Zembik or why is it popular? Right, that could be a bit. You know what you think? Absolutely, of course. That's better than anything you've got. Damn it. That's gold. I didn't even know the punch line.

That's the only, it's all in the attitude. What's the deal? Zembik. The big toe is a coup de toe. The coup de toe. By the way, that's another thing that people go to going quickly to the cancel culture thing, because we're going to get all this. What? Yeah, everyone yelling at us.

They're like, look at Shane Gillis. Look at Louie. They're billionaires. But you're like, right. Well, that's because they had to had to swing back. And it's all because it's all capitalism based. And they're hilarious. Right. and they're outrageously talented. But it's all based on capitalism. It was fired because they thought that was the move,

and then it was proven that now no one cares, so they got them back. But also you're like, well, look at you guys. You guys say this crazy shit on podcasts. But I'm like, right. But if I got an NBC sitcom, and then they aired any single clip from any episode of our podcast I would immediately and swiftly be fired right so that alone is proof

is in the anal yes agreed anyway so speaking of naughty language I'm walking around I see that this is devastating and sad I don't even know how we'll get the comedy you'll pull some comedy up But I'm walking and I see this guy, Latino fella looks banged up, drunk. He's holding hands with a seven year old girl who I presume to be his daughter or niece maybe, but probably his kid. And he just looks hammered. She's got a little school lunchbox and a backpack. And this is him talking.

He said the N word twice, but I'll say you know The good way or the bad way. I mean said the a version. All right, but still he's like that. It's a kid He's like this N-word that motherfucker smell like fucking shit and word I never smell someone that smells like so much fucking shit and word and the girl just looked so sad You can tell that she's like getting picked up from school and she's like, oh I got drunk dad It's like the one a couple weeks ago at it Aldi these women these people swearing at their children with their children He looked like he was all high

He looked like you on protect our parks his eyes were looking both looking both ways and he was shitting and puking. Yeah. And just like, that motherfucker smell like shit. He's probably talking about me during this podcast, but sure. Just really sad. That is horrible. And where's the mom there? And because, you know, the mom was like, you pick him up today.

And he was like, I got it. I got you. Like, don't go to the bar. Just pick up the daughter. He's like, don't worry about it. Then 12 whiskies later, here we are. Yeah, it was terrible. Like it I got you like don't go to the bar just pick up the daughter he's like don't worry about it then 12 whiskies later here we are yeah it was terrible like what do you do in that situation you want it like this guy looked like he was ready to fight anybody sure so you can't be like excuse me sir I don't think that's the price none of your business I guess but you're awesome it's like gone baby gone you want to just take her and run and be like come live with us yeah we'll only say the one word twice a year

Christmas and New Year's that's better and I know a couple guys who would scoop her up gladly but that's all the other bag hammers oh boy name names after the show oh boy well a couple are famous cancel culture but I see but yeah it was just devastating you just walk around then you're just like mad you want to do something you can't do anything. But you're like, this poor girl is gonna be so depressed and sad and just. That's heartbreak.

Because he just looked banged up. And that's just a snippet by the way. That's just walking by. Yes. So what's it sound like at eight o'clock? This is at two o'clock in the afternoon or whatever, three when you get out of school. Like what's he like at 9 p.m.?

What's the home life like? How old's the kid, do you think? That's seven or eight maybe. Oh! Little kid. Man, anyone else think? At seven or eight, maybe, little kid. Oh, man, anyone else hard? Motherfucking smell like shit. That's when you need an after school program. Get that kid into bad mitten, bad father, bad,

what do you call that, knitting, tic-tac-toe, aftercare. Yeah, it's something, I'm sure this program's in place, of course, but boy. And then what's also crazy is that she's gonna that's her role model dad role model so she's gonna date a guy like that probably. Yeah I think they say women marry their fathers. Yes, yes my wife's dad is a fledgling comedian with a tiny dick. So you know. furniture clothes or you've got a side hustle with feet picks, Shopify will have you selling everywhere so you can easily grow your fan base. Hey, we sell stuff, we got merch, we got mugs, we got stickers, we got it all.

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Anyway, so that happened that's something I don't know this is anything we're running on fumes here We recorded nine episodes in two days. Yeah, well, he's going to Europe. I'm going there. You're going on Bert Kreischer store You're going to Europe. You're going to somewhere else. I'm going, you're going on Bert Kreischer's tour, you're going to Europe, you're going to somewhere else. Protect our parks. I'm going to Maine, the only one civil state, most coastline in America. My main man. How about this? This one, this is gonna be a barrel lapse.

So wait, did she get home? Did you follow her? No, I got the hell out of there, he was scary. I didn't want anything to do with this guy. You gotta call CPS. Or CPD, what was CPD? Oh, CCD. Oh, Catholic Cum Doctor. CPS or CPD. What was CPD? Oh CCD. Oh Catholic

come Doctor, that's right. We called it Central City dump. Oh Fun, we were like 10. I don't know but Yeah, see now my my parents were not religious and boy am I lucky because I every every friend I had, you know Grow up in Louisiana. They're like we got to go to church then we'll meet up I got to go to CCD I got to go to Bible Thump I got to go to Holy Water Park crazy we're the same is all Catholic I mean Boston in New Orleans all Catholics and everyone went there and I remember being jealous I remember being sad that I wasn't Catholic and I

wasn't at CCD I was like that seems cool yeah you ever did you ever go to church because you had to we went when I was a little, little kid. We went. We were kind of a church. The generation before my parents were like a church family. We belonged to the church. Oh wow. The Protestant church. And I went a few times and even from a very young age, I was very, I was like, nah, I'm not going to that. Yeah, same. That's the end of that. And they were like, okay, he doesn't want to go. Wow, putting the foot down. Fuck you, I'm not going to that. Yeah, same. That's the end of that. And they were like, okay, he doesn't wanna go. Wow, putting the foot down. Fuck you, I'm not doing that.

Jeez, did they say it about the dentist too? Yeah. But no, I had to go once, I think I've told you this story, I was a Cub Scout, I was a Cub Scout. Yikes. So you had, part of being a Cub Scout is like, resourceful, polite, reverent, it's in the charter, like Hamas.

So you gotta go to church, and's in the the charter like Hamas. So you got to go to church and I had the uniform on and I didn't know how to do this shit. No one taught me so I was like you know I was like umpire, give me one of these curveball and so we got in line to get the communion. Now there's a process here Jerry you can't just go up and go hit me fatty. You gotta go up and you go... It's like the Macarena. Yeah, that's the hand jive. So I didn't know that. So I'm just in line, you know, I'm nine, I'm like, I got my wee below badge and my Hawkeye and all this and I go up and the guy goes, how about a hey, how about a

hey and he's holding the communion up like this and I go, and he goes, what the hell is that? And I go, I don't know. And he goes, you're not Catholic are you? And I go, I don't think so. And he goes, get the hell out of here. Oh wow. Yeah. And my dad, I look back my dad was howling. No kidding. Well, that's good. I mean I Fuck these people with their little Ritual yeah, I'll do what I want. Yeah, I didn't know I mean you you want to you want to help me or not? I got sins Obsolve me right. What are we doing here? I thought you cared about me release on me. Yes Right in my face put the crucifix right my ass

But yeah, we weren't really a churchy people but I did I dabbled and then the weddings of course you go to the church And I was christened I got a christening okay that I was like older for some reason I was like five years old Oh, I don't know why I like remember it. I guess your parents were just slackers I think so well that the crazy thing too is when you're not used to church you go in there You're like what the fuck the the stained glass is a there's a shirtless guy weeping he's a his hands are bleeding he's got thorns on his head everybody's in robes and the forever and ever it's all very spooky I was about to use the word spooky that was the next word out of my mouth and I think it's actually spooky to bring your kid there I agree stand up talked about

this a bit 40 years ago he's like like, the Bible is like, they shouldn't be allowed to read the Bible till you're 18. Huh. That's like, nobody would read it and be like, I'm living my life based on this. This is real. Interesting. You're just reading and be like, oh, that's a hell of a book. Wow. Which to me is this value. There's lots of life lessons in the Bible. Sure, definitely.

You get me turned adult and you're like, oh, wow, giveth and receiveth or whatever. I've never read the Bible, but it seems like- I've got a burning bush. There's some great stories in there and some great lessons, Oh wow, give us and receive us or whatever. I've never heard the Bible, but it seems like I've got a burning bush. There's some great stories in there and some great lessons. But this thing of when you're three, God's watching you and sin. I mean, the idea of sending a kid into a closet to tell all his sins to a strange man with a boner is legitimately fucking insane to me. Like insane and inappropriate. Like I think it's like one of the craziest things

I've ever heard in my life. Of course. Go in there and tell this strange man that you don't know all the bad things you've done. All the jerking and the thoughts. It's so weird, it's just a little screen. Have you done it? I've never done it.

It seems like the craziest thing in my life and I'm grateful to my parents for not making me do this. Of course, we should go in there once and just play a snippet of an ep. Yeah, I'd be like, forgive me, Father. Yeah, he's gonna be like, I gotta go on vacation. I'm changing to Muslim. It's very strange and I don't know, it's a weird thing to be like, you believe this or else? Well, that was a great Ricky Gervais because he's a big atheist and I know everybody hates atheists, but he got in a fight with Colbert, who's like a staunch Irish Catholic.

By the way, his mom died, his dad died in a plane, his brother died in a well, his sister died at a kid pool. He's got the craziest backstory, Colbert. But he's like, you don't believe in God? He's like, what do you mean? He goes, you're not really, you're an atheist. And he goes, well, which God do you believe in? He goes, I believe in God. He goes, but there's 221 gods. You're saying yours is the only real one? And Colbert was kind of like, oh, you got me there.

Right. It's so convenient. The one you like is the one that's real. Well, that's why I think Dave Smith had a joke like that years ago. He's like, people that believe in God don't understand atheists, but you're like, but you're an atheist for everything but this one. Like you just believe in one more thing than I do. Brilliant. I'm zero, you're one. Great bit. How is that different?

Yeah, we're right neck and neck. Which reminds me of Colin's great bit about how America, we go to war for all these countries that don't have choices of leaders. We have choice. Two. Two guys. Oh, that's great. He's like, you guys only have one guy, your dictatorships, we got have choice. Two. Two guys. That's great. He's like, you guys only have one guy, you're dictatorships, we got a choice of two. I've never heard that one.

That's not very funny. Well, not to bring it all circle jerk, but when I was a kid, we had the religious kid, most kids are religious, and I would sit, I remember sitting in a car with him and being like, so what's heaven all about? He's like, oh, it's paradise on earth. That's utopia. You're gonna go there when you die your whole family's there I'm like, well, I hate my uncle is he gonna be there and he's like, yeah, he'll be there

I'm like, but how's that paradise? So you just start needling away at him and after about 20 minutes He was like shut the fuck up. I'll kill you. You make one of my religion Can you cut your poking holes? It's good, you're going to hell, you fucking pagan man." I was like, whoa, and it feels the same with the internet. Why are you so angry about that? Why does this trigger you so much? What does that say? Right, yeah, I think people just get upset if you fuck with it.

People are probably mad at us right now, and I'm not cheating on anyone's religion. I love your religion. I'm a big, I'm Catholic and Protestant and Jewish. They're happier people, they live longer. And Islamic, I'm all over religion. I love your religion. I'm a big, I'm Catholic and Protestant and Jewish. They're happier people. They live longer. And Islamic. I'm all over religion. I got a little piece of everything in my heart, but... Take another little piece of my heart. But I think, yeah, you should choose a religion when you're of age. I like it. It's weird to be like, yeah, you're four and you believe this or you're going to die or whatever. Yeah, yeah. What a great message to send to a little pipsqueak. And then hell.

The devil. Forever, by the way. You get fucked in the ass forever. Fire and flames and shit. That's crazy talk. Which after a while I feel like, all right, well I've been getting fucked in the ass for 48 years. I'm used to it. I've built up a callous, you know, my asshole can take a pounding. Absolutely. I think that's an excellent for Melton John's bio. But yeah, I think we're all going to be just fine. Then when we die, it's probably going to be similar to when before we were born. I imagine. Yes, I agree. We're not going anywhere, folks. I think I suspect that when the blood stops flowing to our brains,

we'll stop having thoughts and consciousness. I think so, because no one ever talks about the guy before them, really. They go, oh, I'm going to oh I'm gonna move on and reincarnate and you're like, well what did you see before this? You didn't see shit. I've said that's when I was a kid too because I'm like, well if you used to be something else how come you have no memory of that? Like if I was George Washington, what's the point? What's the benefit of previously being someone else if I have no memory of that? 100% and it's always some hot shot. I was a Napoleon

in another life. Well, how do you know you weren't just as a butt wiper? Right. Yeah. That's what they say that in, uh, bull Durham. Oh, there you go. Great film. Now here, let me get to the story. I started 45 minutes ago. We did a little, uh, now this is much of a story, but, uh, you know, this could be something in salt Lake city seven months ago with old Luke bonus is a Scottish story. You know, I'm Scottish descent. Sure. How often are you going to see a Scottish store? Not very often Scottish store, just like Scottish goods. I go, let's pop in there. Pop in. First thing I see is a big, uh, fridge magnet with Campbell on there. I go, I'll grab that. Then I see a McKay. That's my brother-in-law. I'm like, I'll grab that. I see a Cameron. That's

my brother-in-law's, my cousin, my cousin, my nephew's name. His first name. But his last name is McKay so I can get one of each. Then I got Scottish playing cards. I'm like, give me one of those. Give me one of the box of those and give me one of those. Boy, you're outside the 10 items or less conveyor belt. I'm a consumer, so I'm looking around and I look bonus as a Jew, so he's just looking at his phone. He doesn't care. I go, when you go to a Scottish store, are you bummed you're not Scottish? You know what I mean?

If I went to the Jew store, I'd be like, ah, I wish I was a Jew, you know, if they were in there selling yarmulkes and comedy albums. Yeah, yeah. I think they had those concentration camps. But also, I get that with Foo Boo. I go, ah, I wanna wear a Foo Boo. Of course, if I could be anything, I'd be black and 6'7 and be able to fucking reverse jam. Now you're picking attributes too.

We're getting out of hand here. What are you gonna do? But nice, huge cock. Fuck my wife the way I want her to get fucked by a black guy. But anyways, so I'm in there looking at the Scottish gear, I got an elbow from old Monas, which goes into my temple because he's 6'9". He goes, look over there. Sean Connery?

I go, oh, who is that? He goes, look over there. And I go, I don't know who that is. And he goes, that's blank. Take a guess. Four guesses. Well, you gotta give me, is it a celeb? Is it an athlete? Is it a hot lady? Is it a singer songwriter? Okay. Here are your four. I'm going to give you, you got four guesses. I'll give you four hints. Okay.

Was on a TV show. All right. That was a hit. This is all the same. It was a hit TV show where you perform live, was a hit TV show. This is big. Where you perform live, a live performance TV show. Oh baby. I love it. Okay. A show that I've never cared about ever, never seen a minute. I've seen maybe a minute. I thought this is stupid. I don't care about this. It's got glasses. White man. White man with glasses was on a TV show. He performed live and I never cared about the show. Ooh, baby. You perform love. You never cared about the show. Never cared about the show. Maybe it's great. I don't know. Every time I start, I was like this, get real. It's not

on now though. I don't think so. No. Okay. Okay. Not in its original format. Maybe it's on and I'm like I never heard of that but it's definitely not the original version. I'll give you one more hint. ABC. Oh ABC. I think. Show was, I don't know if it was live but it was like you perform in front of a crowd. I see. I see. I think he's on this show, pretty sure. Me? This guy. Ah. And I did not recognize the guy. Wow. But once I knew I was like oh okay, alright I know that guy. I think I got it. Okay. Drew Carey? Close. Whose line is it anyway? Whose line is it anyway is the show. Oh wow, how did I get that right? That's the show. Not Wayne Brady. No, white guy with glasses.

Oh, he said white guy, sorry. Colin Mochery? No. Ryan Stiles? No. Greg Proops. Greg Proops. Greg Proops walks in.

He goes, look over there. I'm like, I don't know what that is. He's like, isn't that Greg Proops? But I don't know Proops. I'm sure he's a great guy, funny guy. Funny guy, talented guy. They call him the smartest man in the world. That's the name of his podcast. He's like a PhD, come guzzle Nazi. Well, he's a standup comic too, right? Yes, yes. From like the San Fran, Patton Oswald, Dave Chappelle era. Right, interesting. Yeah. I never really watched, I don't watch enough

comedy. I got to watch more comedy. But I never watched Whose Line Is Anywhere. Whenever that show was on, I'd be like, oh, that seems like something. I don't watch enough comedy, I gotta watch more comedy. But I never watched Who's Line is Anywhere, whenever that show was on I'd be like, oh that seems like something, I don't know. Oh he was great, I watched that with my family because it was clean or whatever, but that was an amazing show, those guys are all killers at improv. Yeah I never watched it, the only improv I watched

was Ass Hat, Ass Cat. Ass Cat, I was on that once. I was too. He opened? Yeah. Yeah same. But I watched it and it's heyday We would go every Sunday because we had a hookup at UCB. It was always Chris Gethard and Rob Riggle, uh-huh and Horatio Sands. Yes, and it was unbelievable. Those guys blew my mind. Blew my mind

There was that other guy Anthony Almalek. He did Trump for a while Oh, right, and then there was the Indian guy who's on everything now long hair. Oh, yeah Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah, I can't think of his name, but he's good But yeah that show I always thought because I came from the Boston Stand-up comedy world of Gavin and done a bit and these guys were like improv is gay Yes, yes, and so whose line is anyway was on I was like get out of here with this bullshit. I'm a man I then I went and saw asshat and I was like this is the best show I've ever seen it's incredible I saw a show at the IO I don't know I oh oh oh wait that's what I

was thinking I oh no it's a in improv Olympic in Chicago Chicago is the improv town you know it's second SNL, the other thing. So I went to I.O., my friend got me in, I wasn't even a comedian yet. And it was incredible. Like they took audience suggestions and still killed it. And the guy from the middle was there. The middle. Malcolm?

No, no, the other middle. Tall guy, you've seen him. Pull this guy up, the dad from the middle It was a sitcom on ABC I believe but he you'd recognize he's a character actor, but he's good. Okay, he was in IO He was on this team and it was so incredible. It was interactive and we were all sitting there in seats going nuts It was it was a beautiful experience. Good improv is like it's like a religious experience bad improv is hell on earth it's the worst thing ever one letter away from improved hello folks hey what do you got the actor's

name is Neil Richard Flynn he was on Scrubs I think he's no yeah he's got to be six eight if he's a foot and tall yeah he's a you definitely gonna give him a recognition. There he is. Now I don't know because I don't watch a lot of shows. Well, he's been in movies, he's been all over TV. Yeah, he's around. Let me see, let me pull up a filmography here.

There we go, this guy's never gotten any love on TV. Neil Flynn, Smallville, that 70s show, CSI, Very Muppet Christmas. He's done it all. Yeah, I don't know too much of his stuff. Oh, he's 70s show, CSI, very Muppet Christmas. He's done it all. Yeah, I don't know too much of his stuff. Oh, he's in rookie of the year. Oh, he was in major league as one of the long shoremen. That's like way back. What a gig. Oh, he's in the fugitive.

Okay. Look at this. He's a transit cop. So I don't know. Home Alone 3. He really did do it all. Mean Girls, that's one of my favorites. He's in Roddenburg and the Anchorman. Okay. He's in Indiana Jonesundy, Anchorman. Okay. He's in Indiana Jones, not a ton of movies, mostly TV. TV guy. The TV guy. What else?

Doogie Howser. He was on Seinfeld. Who was he? He was cop number one in the summer of George, so season eight. Drew Carey's show, Ellen, that's 70s show. Chicago Hope. Come on.

Is it good for you, Flynn. Who else is shouting you out except for the gays? You got damn toot. All right. So what happened? We digressed again. That's it. Ah, that's what I was saying.

Is that much of a story? But he walked in, he walked out and then, well he wants his toes. Luke couldn't believe I didn't know him. He's like, how do you not know? You don't know proofs. You didn't know. Never met him.

Wow. Everybody poos. Oh, here's the story. Now I got a real story. All right, well that's pretty cool. Maybe he's Scottish, apparently. Maybe Prupp's does not sound Scottish, but maybe his mother's Scottish.

Yeah, well Scots don't get their due. It's a tiny little rock, this Scotland. And you got Connery, golf, whiskey, tape, Scotch tape. Scotch tape, Scotch tape. Scotch tape, yeah. Okay. William Wallace, oh, also curling. Ah, I thought that was the Canucks. Maybe you're right.

And then you got, you might have to give that a goog. What's his name? Groundskeeper Willie? Yep. Brave Fart. Oh, Mike Myers is a Scotkeeper Willie? Yep. Braveheart. Oh, Mike Myers is a Scott generationally. Jay Leno. Jay Leno's half.

Yeah, half Scottish, half Italian. That's why he looks so fucking nuts. Bagpipes. Scotland. Hey, you called it. There you go. Yeah. All right.

Bagpipes. We used to go to the Highland games all the time. We were all very excited to be Scottish. It was fun. But but What the fuck was I about to say you got a bag? You said a lunch humdinger? Well, I don't know about a banger. It's not much of anything. We're on scraps here, but we're making it work folks You got that right fatty. So, you know me. I'm a big tennis head. I love the tennis. I live for the tennis. It's a great sport.

It's a great game. I really enjoy it. Love. And I'm a big Alcares guy. This boy, this is my guy. 21 years old, sexy as can be, best legs. He can really move around the court. I love the man.

I love the Spaniards. Love Rafa. Love Alcares. Good bulge, too, on that guy. Absolutely. He can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan. What is he, 24? 21. 21 years old. He's won a grand slam on every surface and he was a teenager when he won US Open. Is he beating off the clam with a lead pipe?

I mean this guy is a high value male. i can't imagine the clam he's uh... he's taken home and uh... saving the fridge it's list desk they say so i'm watching the french open and now sports it's always her cousin we're traveling a lot we have comedy a lot of it's in the way sometimes i just want to quit everything and just watch sports all day all night all year round and you could do it all over again broadcasting I would have loved that plays a long drive to deep left field way back my father's game Take it to the hole so I'm watching the French show, but I don't like to miss them waking up at fucking 8 a.m.

To watch tennis then I'm in Salt Lake City So I gotta go up at 6 a.m. To watch the tennis the final the men's final is Sunday Start said I think I don't know, 8 AM SLC time, but I've got a long flight. So I'm excited because they have live TV on the Delta. You got to love it. So they got live TV. It's on NBC. So I'm like, great. I'll be able to spend most of the flight watching the championship. I can't wait. But the match starts way before the flight. So I'm streaming on the Peacock app. Ah! So I got it on the old Peacock app,

which is nice, it's a better HD on the phone. So I'm watching that as long as I can. And then there's always a delay on the airport TV. Always. So it's a full minute behind. So it's about two points behind. So I'm watching, the guy next to me is watching tennis, the guy across the way is watching tennis,

but I got it on the phone. So this guy's watching my phone because I'm ahead. Ah, do you kind of give him an angle? I go, fuck off. I do. We don't really talk. I just see that he's watching it. So I kind of give him this a little bit. That's very nice.

And now I'm also reacting because I'm a fan. So I'm going, oh, I feel bad because I'm reacting. I'm trying to can it so they don't have to get so distracted. My can it. But then. It to get so distracted. Mike can it. But then, it's time now we're taking off. So my phone is, I lose the reception on the phone. So now I gotta switch to the TV. So now I gotta go back.

Now I know I'm in it behind. So I put on Do Not Disturb just in case Matt Wayne, we're tennis buddies, he'll text me and go, whoa, and I hate that. Okay. So I put it on Do Not Dist disturb. Now I'm watching live on the thing. It's a four hour, Matt, four hour and 20 minute match. The first hour is before the flight. So for three hours, I'm watching the match on the TV. The flight is just ticking away, just swiping right away, which is great when you have something to watch. You're into the game. So I'm like, this is beautiful. Immersed. Gets all the way down. And we're all three of us are reacting together.

Oh, wow, that's great. Ah, that's bonding. It's fun. Gets down to championship point. Match point for Alcaraz. My boy. Big thing. Championship point.

He throws up the serve and big blue screen. Satellite trouble. I swear to God it sounds like I'm joking or exaggerating literally ball in the air on the final point it's like cable guy it's the exact ending of cable yes yes I picked up a book and opened it to a random page I mean the three of us all go what the fuck golly it's worse than 9-eleven It was brutal and we were a minute behind already, so I immediately just go to Twitter

and Alcares was rolling, so I'm like, I'm sure he won at that point. Wait, you got Wi-Fi? Yeah, I got Wi-Fi. On the plate? Yeah. So why not just stream the peacock ad? It was too shoddy?

I tried because it was too shoddy. I think that Wi-Fi is not stream a live sporting event. Good point. Wi-Fi. True that. So I go to Twitter and the first thing I see, I type in Alcaraz, it says the moment he won, and it's literally the point, picks up from where it took off.

So the guy across the way, I just showed him the thing, because it's a 40 second Twitter, and I was like, there you go, and he's like, ah, thanks. Yeah, all right, all right. Wow, don't you want to, it fucks you perfectly? It was amazing, it was actually funny. It was so perfect that it was funny. Exactly.

If it happened after he won, you wanted to hear the postgame. That would have sucked. But the fact that it was so awesomely, literally he tossed the ball. Right. For the win. And you're like, ah, classic. Because life has a way, especially in this town,

has a way of fucking you exactly. Because sometimes, let's say you throw a ball and you try to make it in the garbage can and it just goes like bank back back but and it goes in yeah that's rare but I feel like getting fucked perfectly happens more but maybe that's just I hate it more the perfect fuck yes well you remember the losses more than the wins you know negative bias absolutely damn well he won he won and boy it was quite a thrill and Don't you want to go up to Delta when they go, please let us know how our flight was. You want to go

Hey, you come Guzzler. You killed me right on the Alcatraz serve. You fucked me and I had a great rapport with my flight Attendant by the way, she was an older lady. She was kind of cute She was like probably I'm gonna say late 50s early 60s. Older people are better than young. Well I got up to go to the bathroom, and I stand up, and it was like, you know, the pilot gets out to take a piss, and they block the doorway. That's fun.

They can't piss, and she went, oh, could you hold on a second? And I went, I did a, I shake my fist, you bitch. Yeah. And she went, like, did like a big goofy. Ah. And then later, so we had that rapport. First class is a different scene.

That I was gonna say. A little rapport. He did that and back there they pulled a hatch. Well then at the end, we landed and we were taxiing for fucking four days because that's how it is in New York. I hate this, dude. Like we landed 45 minutes early and everyone cheers

and they go, but our gate's not ready so we're gonna sit here for 44 minutes. Exactly. Put me back in the air. So the lady the lady there's a guy some ass wipe in the back just keeps getting up he's one of these assholes while you're taxing he keeps standing up and she's going sir you need to sit down blah blah blah and then finally she goes do not make me turn this plane around and she's sitting in the jump seat and I leaned out and I went she gave me the wave so we had a

nice rapport and you have that thing where you're like, what if I handed her a note and just said, you lonely? Cause she's probably 59. Right. Little extra baggage on the beak. Sure, sure. Little fat bullshit. Beak bag. But you're like, I could do it. I mean, I'm married, of course, is the hypothetical,

but you just want to go, wouldn't that be fun to be one of those guys the note guy? I love I did the note once Once Jerry there was a flight attendant who was like it was out of LA knockout so hot that you're like come on This is crazy. So I went up to her and I said something chummy at the desk she was at the desk and Got a chuckle but I could tell she wasn't vibing. But I got a chuckle. So then I get on the flight and there's a couple of people, this is 12 years ago, like two people were like, hey, comedy. And she noticed that. And so she was like, well, what's his story? And then she started talking with the other lady and they're

kind of talking. And I went up to her and I said I gotta say the the food was a little subpar something something whatever it's folksy gave her my number no wait said something folksy I said maybe I'll call you sometime and I'll tell you how it digested and she gave me her number and I called she never answered. Whoa. Damn I fucked that story up. But I got the number. The note is nice. I like the note. These older bags, you just feel like... They're lonely.

Now I got a big forehead and bad teeth and my legs are too long and I got herpes. It's a tough rap sheet you got there. If she's 58, 59, pale and gross, I'm 12 years younger than her. She's 58, 59, pale and gross, I'm like, I'm 12 years younger than her. She's like, whoa. And the two clicks on your side are A, when she's beak bag, 59, no one's hitting on her. That's what I mean. Two, they say women's horniness goes up.

So you meet a 98 year old Queen Elizabeth, she's probably got four butt plugs in while you're talking to her. Plus I'm charming her pants off. I mean, I think I could have done it. Plus she has those like orthopedic shoes. Oh, that's hot. The black, the fucking Mary Jane orthopedic,

Delta shoe. Love it, love it. I'm sure she had a varicose up the ass. I mean, I love an orthopedic Delta shoe, the purple thing with the wings. Oh yeah, it's an orthopedic Delta shoe the purple thing with the way Yeah, it's like a lunch lady saggy bag tits. I mean I could really party with this game Yeah, leave the leave the wings on I mean I want any kind of uniform. I love military psych ward Yeah, whatever it is Burger King. Bring it on mailman So yeah, I bet you could have pulled it off. You could have

landed right in her tarmac. Well, I'm not a hot fella, but I could be quite charming. I get free pie. Why? I'm telling you. You should see me at Starbucks. I get free drinks. Oh man. They love me over there. Well, they say when your looks are low, you have to benefit in other ways. Damn straight.

Same with blind people's hearing. That's right I've heard that. Aha. I see. Daredevil. They don't. Alright we gotta put a bow on this fucking thing. My god it's July 15th we're recording this on May 9th. This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy. The elections happened. There's a new president. Who knows what's going on. This is why they gotta going to be like, why didn't they address this, this and the other thing? Because you have done a full Burt tour by the time they're hearing this. Burt tour, Europe, vacation, I have a new album out, it's all over the road. This is crazy. So I mean, Chuck is long dead by the time you're hearing this.

Yeah, the syphilis got to the brain. Shelby came back to life. I am gonna be, I think this weekend for Christ sakes, I'm in Atlanta, hot Atlanta, H-town, fucking Windy City, Sin City, come down to Atlanta, I'll be at the punchline, big August. I got a Milwaukee improv coming up, I got Tampa side splitters coming up, our Patreon is on fire, we're doing tons of Q&A,

Q&A-nal. We're taking all your questions. And as we always say, it is a deeper, darker show over there on Patreon. We're doing something a little different over there on Patreon. We're a little more free flowing. A little more real. And we got some badass videos of us backstage. All the fun stuff. Dance Soda's on there. All all the people it's exciting hell yeah completely agree you are missing out I will be at Sioux Falls Rockford Illinois Richmond Virgin Anaheim California Redding PA Red Bank New Jersey Jersey, Colorado Springs, Colorado, Fort Collins, Colorado, doing some

dates with Jim Jeffries, St. Louis Theater, the Fox Theater in St. Louis, Orlando, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon, and Toronto and London, Ontario to name a few in Monterey, California. So come on out, get a bottle of Bodega Cat, say hello, queef it up, Ontario to name a few in Monterey, California. So come on out, get a bottle of Bodega Cat, say hello, queef it up, go to our website, go to Punch Up Live. And what do you got? Chuck Goles. Chuck D.

Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, live this coming Sunday at the Comedy Connection, East Providence, Rhode Island. We're doing our 100th episode live on stage of the Comedy Connection. It's going to be a lot of fun. Tickets are available at funbearablepod.com. Lots of fun stuff in store for that night. Very weird. It's not just going to be a live podcast.

There's a lot of extra stuff. All right. Okay. Thank you, sir. You heard it here first, folks. We'll see you in hell. Braids out loud. We've been up.

Comedy. I'll give it up for the company.