Tuesdays with Stories! - #563 Corky Pig

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

Mark and Joe are BACK in the studio after a month apart! And they're right back into their ollllllllld tricks! Chipotle meet ups, diarrhea - it's a classic Tuesdays! We're talking about the Donald Trump Jr./Joe List connection, Mark on Bert Kreischer's Fully Loaded tour, and we got a yarn about Salacuse that will ROCK YOUR WORLD! PLUS ! Big news from the Normand camp!!! 👀👀👀 Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get a free Mystery Gift with your 1 st Box of Awesome monthly shipment. Head to https://www.boxofawesome.com and use code TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by Better Help. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS and get on your way to being your best self.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just... Willow! I don't believe it, we're back! Holy hell! There it is, you heard it here first folks. Farting it up, pitting it up, good times times back in the old ISIS bunker.

And we're limited days here. We put in our notice, folks. You'll be happy to know everybody at home. These days are over. They're the worst days in Tuesday's history. Easy. We miss Shelby. Speaking of history, Chuck's history. We got Rupert on the ones and twos. The true king of producing.

Big fan, podcast producer, director, just all around sweet, sweet man. Chuck's out. Got here at 11 a.m. It's 2 p.m. Yeah. Big mistake. He was, you know, what do you call that? Driving tailgating. I see. Outside and you ever tailgate? Oh, well, I'm not proud of this, but I went to LSU for a hot minute. Go Tigers. These football game. It was like the, the

Coliseum. It was the biggest thing in the world. So we would get drunk. They would all go to the game and we would raid the tailgates. We'd get all the booze. We'd still, what, what time we stole a full pig. Wow! Yeah, we brought it back. I did that once. We brought it back to the apartment, we all fucked it, and we ate that fucking Cochon Delay. We were pulling meat off the face, the apple in the mouth, great time.

Now that's really smart, because everyone leaves behind all the stuff. Yes! What did you call it at a party when everybody left? Did you ever do this? You take the leftover beer, wine thing and pour it into one big glass and drink that? The lemon party. No way. That's lemon party? No, that's a bunch of gay guys fucking gay old guys. Oh, that's called a kamikaze. No, a kamikaze is a drink, a regular drink. Oh, what did you say? I'm talking like you go in you're like, okay, let's this leftover pour that. Oh, all the leftovers you pour in one glass and then you dare someone

to drink it. Oh yeah. We called it a tornado. Okay. But I think that was just like my group of friends. Right. I know what you mean. We call it the bar rag or something because they would take those bar mats and pour them into one big jug and somebody had to drink it. Yeah, yeah, okay, so similar, but that robbing the tailgate, that's good stuff. It was smart. I mean we felt horrible about it because all these people come out, they tailgate all day, it's the best day of their life, they're going to see the Tigers play in the stadium, they come back and they're like, where's our tent? Where's our barbecue pit? Oh, but they left, I thought you were talking like the leftover food and drink

That was the appetizer then you go back and take a couple kids you take the dog You know golf cart. That's fun. Yeah, it was a good time Well, I feel like I was saying this the other day when I go every time I go to the beach or to a tailgate party I always feel like I'm the worst Prepared. Yeah Especially tell tell like Division one football. You go there and people don't realize this. I've never been to a game. People have like 72 inch TV. Yes, they're watching Game Day.

Couches, couches, seven layer dip. They got video game console. They got a kegerator. It's bananas. Literally. And I go to a game with Derek and we have like a little hill bocce fucking the size of my asshole. Yes. And we're sitting on like fold out chairs where like it looks like Shaq on the kids bench. Yeah. And you know we have a bag of nachos and two Pepsi's.

That's pretty good actually. That's not bad. It's nice but it's not the setup. I think partly because we don't have homes, Jerry. Ah. When you have a home you can be like this is where the foam noodles are, this is where the umbrella is. Because the same with the beach. I go to the beach, I have a white towel from can be like, this is where the foam noodles are, this is where the umbrella is, cause the same with the beach. I go to the beach, I have a white towel from the bathroom, the hotel bathroom. There's a couple skid marks on there.

A pair of New Balance sneakers. Black socks. I don't have anything. Like everyone has folding chairs, transistor radio, they got, you know, this shit's set up. They got a toupee. They got a raft, they got a tent, an umbrella, a deck chair. That thing where you run, it's like a Twinkie. You're running in flakes. You're laying it.

That bullshit. Yeah, the kite. They got a frisbee set. What about that one with the net where you bounce a ball on it? You seen that? Oh, people go crazy for that. What is that? It's like four square but four fags. I guess. I don't know. It's like some kind of... People get intense about it. Yes, yes, the Four Fags, they built this country. The Mountain Fags. Mount Rushmore. Yeah, no, okay.

Yeah, they go nuts for that. Cornhole is big. Love cornhole. I do too, or as David Tell calls it, lawn anal. Oh, that's fun. That's one of his old bits. Boy, he's good. He's a funny guy. Certainly is. Had him out on Fully Loaded by the way him in full black car heart

button-down beady hood. You're like dude we're at Mekong George it's 900 degrees outside and you dress like a fucking cat burglar. I got the invite I couldn't make it I appreciate the invite it was very very exciting. Just getting invited. It's an honor to be nominated. I'll tell you that. There you go. But I was down in Key West and in my mother's ass. But anyways, someday I'm going to buy a house that I know where, by the way. I'm going to reveal where I'm finally moving soon. And I can't wait. I'm going to have an extra TV, a slip and slide, an inflatable couch,

an inflatable wife, an inflatable dildo. Every, if you can inflate it, I'm gonna have it. All right, blow me up. I can't wait, Scotty. A shed, an attic. What do you like best, a shed, an attic, or a basement? Ooh. Or a storage closet.

Attic's out. I don't like an attic. Who am I? Anne Frank, get out of here with the attic. It's up there, your foot goes through the ceiling. Clark Griswold, the old trees up there and the wedding dress. It's spooky. I like an attic. It's not as good. It's hard to get up there. You got a hunch. There's asbestos. I don't know, cobwebs is a dead whore. I hate it. The hunchback, the bats. Yes, yes. Basement I like because

you can get a gym in there, you can get a TV going. The band practice. Band practice. The shed, a little too, it's too out in the open. I feel like the neighbors can hear you, there's a meth being made. I don't like a shed as much. Shed I like. The basement, you get the flood Classic basement flood the wet bandits are in there The one I don't know people are hiding down there another Jew thing migrants. Yeah, they oh they're out there I can hear it. Well, we're leaving soon and we've already pushed out six people. So we haven't been here for a month That's true month off. Good point. Yeah, good point. So we're great. We're great tenants when you look at it that way Yeah, good point. We pay our rent come in an hour a week

Gone for a month can't beat it pretty good. But anyway, so sorry lawyer. Yeah people But the shed is that but it feels like a shed is always the Jesus the shed is always the least organized Yeah, the shed is just a mess of shit. Right. Right. It's like a garage. It's just a bunch of an old Hot Wheels track and I drilled it doesn't work. Yeah. Some people have all three. They say the more space you have, the more shit you have. I believe it because you fill it up. That's what's nice about the apartment. But now with a kid, I got to, I got to find places to put stuff. That's why I'm moving to Kenny bunk main. Whoa. Final answer. That's a hall. Kenny bunk 30 minutes from 30 minutes from Portland, 90 minutes from Boston, just

a short flight to New York. And I got to tell you, it's the it looks it's nice there. Well, isn't that where Bush lived? Kenny bunk port. That that's right. Walker's Way or Walker's Point. So there's Kennebunk and then there's Kennebunkport. Yes, there's the Kennybunks. It's made up of three towns. The other one doesn't sound Kenny anything. It's like, it's Kenny DeForest. I don't know what it is.

Kenny and Barbie. Kill Kenny. It's called, I don't know, Audubon, some weird name. Audubon. It's Kennybunk and Kennybunkport. And it's a beautiful place. We were up there on vacation and houses are half the price. We're in Maine. It's so hard. You come back. I'm getting ahead of myself here because I want to tell some other stories, but Maine coon we're in Maine for nine days. I leave my keys in the center console. Wow. Like I'm

like, if anyone needs the car, take it. The doors open. My aunt and uncle live up there. They don't lock the door ever at any point. Wow. And then you come back here and we were back for 10 minutes. We're at Roast and Toast in the story of coffee shop. This guy walks in and he goes, yo, yo, yo, Mo, let me get a BLT. Like just screaming. And I'm like, ah, he's Asians. Uh, he named in South Latino. Just yell it and the scooters, the sirens. It's for the birds, Jerry. I mean, we were walking up the subway stairs. There was a big old Jackson Pollock of just D. Hiharhia right in the corner console of that subway station.

Fresh muddy diarrhea. And I mean mean it was nine inches wide if it was a foot. Yes. It looked like Niagara Falls. It was Hormel chili and it was you could see this the shit was so clear that you could predict how he did it. Yes. Which is never a good sign. I felt like a forensics guy. I was like all right so he was down on all fours. He had chimichurri. Right on the wall. Projectile. It was bad and fresh. I mean, it happened. I'm going to say I tasted it. It was about eight

minutes old. That's true. That's true. And he must have had a Mexican or Indian. Yeah. As did we, by the way, which leads me to my other story. I got to tell real quick, because this is fresh. Please. Off the press, hot off the press, fresh or hot? Press junket. Well, Marcus and I reunited at our old Chipotle. Sixth Avenue. Sixth Avenue, best Chipotle. Easily. I agree. They have a security guard there now, which is nice. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that business, which I think I might move down there. Oh We're out on Kenny bunk that's over that dream is done. All right good to have that dream is bunk so I Had to shit Like you read about oh wow. I never read about a shit. No, I read about it all the time

I read a book called how bad you have to shit and I read it once a day, like the Bible. I see. But there's also Everybody Poops. Everybody poops sometimes. Some people on the subway. Wait, what did you say before that? Because I thought of something. Oh, Greg Rogel had that joke that I loved.

He said, George Bush says he reads the Bible every day. He's 64 years old. Finished the book. That's a fun joke. Funny guy. Very funny. Um, anyways, so I had to shit and it was the kind of shit where you're like, this is a must. Yes, this is an Elon Musk. I can't hold on to this any longer than it's been sitting in there.

It's like Biden at the debate. It had to get out. Boy, was that rough. That was not good. No bueno. Joke of the night. Donald Trump Jr. That's right. I saw how funny world's colliding. I'm going full in baby. I'm all Trump all the time. He literally tweeted it. He wrote that and I was like this. I like Donald Trump Jr. What did he ever do? I don't get it. Nice guys. Got good hair. He's on blow all day. He's having fun. He seems like fun. He had a cigar with the Apollo. He's hanging out with Russell brand. I mean, you know, I heard you doing a pot with a written house. Absolutely. There you go. Hey, written house is a hero. That's true. But any parts, uh, Trump rules, Trump 2024, Trump 2028, Trump 32. There you go. He's not going anywhere. Let's make a home alone three while

we're at it. Uh, Trump 36. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, the boom boom. Had to shit dying to shit. And I was over on the Hudson River there, the big walk bike ride thing, which is why I'm moving there. Very nice. Walking. They got a big public restroom. I'm on the phone with Louie name drop and I go, Hey, I got to cut you off there. Sweet Lou. I got to shit the size of a baby leg in my asshole. Sure. And there's a bathroom here. So I go to the public restroom right away. I walk in. There's two homeless guys bathing and shaving in there. Come on. They're like twins. They're shaving now? These ones were, or maybe they were just, you know, having a nice time in there. They got bad mirrors, whatever it was. Sure. So I'm like, I don't

want to take a shit with two guys shaving outside. No, thank you. So I go, I'll hold onto it. I'll go to Chipotle. I hit you up. You say, let's go Chipotle. I go, all right, sounds great. So I walk over. Now I'm walking across the city with I'll go to Chipotle. I hit you up. You say let's go Chipotle. I go. All right, sounds great So I walk over now. I'm walking across the city with the shit. It's growing, you know, and you can feel it Yes, it's like this little shit buddies Crammed in like a snowman. It's multiplying. It's like the border. Yes. I got chills. They're multiplying so they're putting it together We get to Chipotle we order Great order strong order big order. I put my burrito down across from yours.

I say, let me shit, because you take longer to eat. Order in the court. Yes, I do. I'm a slow eater. Slow eater, and you order a big pile of jizz. I get rice and beans in my asshole. Oh, yeah. I go nuts.

Put that guac right on top. So I go in the bathroom. 9247 is the code. I walk in. I go to shit, and it's ready to burp. Because you know, your asshole knows when you need the toilet. Yes, it can feel it to shit, and it's ready to burr, because you know, your asshole knows when you need the toilet.

Yeah, it's a good feeling. Percolates. Absolutely. Percocets. That'll keep you from shitting. Ah, true. You get backed up. So I go in there. You Percocets last night. Toilet paper is empty. The one above the extra one, the one in the holster. Yeah, that's empty. Oh, the backup's empty.

So I go, all right, let me go check the paperster. Yeah, that's empty. Oh, the backup's empty. So I go, all right, let me go check the paper towels. Empty. Yikes. See these hobos, they get in there and they, they go ham in that, that Turlitt. There's not a cloth to be found in there. No, no, nothing. Not a receipt. Not anything. You're a man of the cloth. So I'm like, I have to shit. It doesn't matter. So then I'm like, maybe I'll hold it, but it's not. It's ready. Yeah. Yeah. This thing is a, it's a fucking Ford Explorer. This thing it's massive. Okay. It's a, it's a white Bronco going on the freeway. So it's a brown Bronco, but so I sit down and like Terrell Davis. So I sit down and I go, here we go. I shit. I'll put this on the Patreon and I showed you it's a a I was eating and it jar.

It was jarring. It looks like a yardstick. Yes. It's light brown. It looks like Babe Ruth's bat. It's a 48 incher. It was like Drake's dick but straight. Do you want to see shit? Do you like shit? I'll show it to you. It's I mean It's I'm not joking. It's two and a half feet long bigger piece of shit that unfrosted. All right It's so long Jerry But anyways, it looks like a stripper pole this thing. Oh, yeah So I shit and I can feel it's a moist texture I gotta wipe I'm in big trouble Yes. Yes. So next to the toilet and this is gonna be gross this is trigger warning everybody oh god should another

trigger warning earlier so there's a little the trash is full because it's gross and there's a long almost like bait there's like a long piece of toilet paper sticking out of the trash oh boy so I think man first I thought maybe this isn't trash maybe this is the storage. Ah boy, I see you get desperate, so your brain starts thinking positively. Well I'm thinking let me just wipe once. So I pull on it and I hear, I look down, the bloodiest used tampon I've ever seen. Snatched a photo of that as well. tampon I've ever seen. Snatched a photo of that as well. Oh, did you put that in the pooper and cork it? No, no. The corker is empty. I mean, corky thatcher. It's open season. So-

Corky pig. I tugged on it and it's dirty toilet paper with blood on it. I'm thinking, why is there a tampon here? But it's a unisex bathroom. Sure. So now there's a bloody tampon. I've touched bloody toilet paper, blood on it. And I'm thinking, why is there a tampon here? But it's a unisex bathroom. Sure. So now there's a bloody tampon. I've touched bloody toilet paper, not the blood, but so I packed up shop, pulled up my pants, took a photo, went out, grabbed a handful of napkins,

told you what was going on, went back inside, had to wipe my ass with 48 Chipotle napkins. So I'm like, it's like I have poison ivy in my ass. Ooh. And- It hurts my dick. So I'm like, it's like I have a poison ivy in my ass. Ooh, and my dick got it all down, but longest shit and dirtiest tampon I've seen since 88. Let me ask you, uh, rando, please. You're a dad now you're covered in baby shit. You're wiping balls off and all, all this and powdering. Does that make you a little more hardened to the shit scene, the bloody tamp, the whole thing?

Maybe. I don't know. Life has hardened me in general, I guess, because New York living, a bloody tampon, whatever. You can remove yourself a little bit. If I touched it or licked it, I think I'd be a little bit grossed out and a little turned on, but I don't know if it has anything to do with the baby because the baby shit's sweet it's a beautiful right thing the homeless shit is it's a girl a baby shit is it's full

of dreams and hope it's a medley yes exactly the homeless shit is just old just pure hell yeah what a but a tampon it's like picking up a mouse cuz you got you got to keep on that tail you know because you don't want the body of it. Well, I left it down there. But how crazy is this? We've been hanging out. We were united. We've been together for half an hour.

I've seen a four-foot shit, a homeless diarrhea, and a dirty tampon. Wow. Man, this city will really get you in touch with your roots. What a life. Now, anyway, as that happened, I got some things. But I got to hear from you. I mean, where the fuck have you been?

I've been all over God's anal. Uh, where to begin? I did fully loaded. Do we talk about that? No, that was wild. I mean, it's just a great crew. They, you gotta give them whatever you think about Burt, you gotta give them props for the choices. It's like Chad Daniels, Kelsey Cook, Soder, big J, uh, Stavros, Sam Marill, DeRosa, it's like all these, this great crew. So at least you get to hang out with everybody. And we just had a hoot and a holler, you get an ice plunge, we went deep sea fishing. Oh nice. We caught a redfish this big, I'll put it all on the Instagram. So who is your team. It was me, Soder J, Chad, his lady, Kelsey Cook,

Saifah. And I think that might've been it. That is a great crew. Great crew. Oh, and a tell. Wow. And jelly roll. I don't know this jelly roll. He's everywhere. Every my family knows them. They know he looks like him. I mean, he's everywhere. This guy got a bigger pop than Burt No kidding. He is big and we're down in the bayou or down in the countryside So they love that shit out there were country's back. So he's not hip-hop. He's country. Yeah, he's got a hip-hop twang to him There are they all it's like non-binary. They're all a little bit something because he looks hip-hop II to me

Yeah, I could see that the face tats the grill But it's all kind of melding now. It's uh, it's like gender. There's this fluid I see fluidity to the music industry So yeah, we just had a great time and the highlight is you do all this fun shit during the day They do a great show in an arena whatever but the highlight is getting together you get a fire going Everybody's got cigars. Everybody's got beers. Joints are being passed around and you just start telling stories. That's the best. That's the part of sad. I missed. Yeah. So I don't know. I don't want

to go on a show with 40,000. Your friends are there. I'm like, I like being on the road. And if it goes bad, I can say it went good. Yeah, exactly. So that I don't care. And trying to do a bench press with Bart yelling at me, that would be fun. But that's not it's that sitting around with the cigars late at night, the stars out. That's what I'd like. That was the highlight. And I got to tell you, you know, Burt's got great stories from the other Patrice

days and all that. But David Tell rolls in, he goes, what are we doing a podcast? And he sits down and his stories are incredible. The Bill Hicks, the Sam Kinison stuff, the Robert Schimel, Leno. I mean, it's gold. Wow, I've never heard a Tell tell a story before. Killing. He's he's holding court within 10 seconds. It's incredible. And we all love him and we're all worse than him.

So we're just like, just let him go. He's like he's like Yoda. He's up on a tree stump. He's going off on this and that. Great. So this I'd like to see, cause I've spent a lot of time with Dave, of course, and I've listened to him on podcasts, but he's very rarely like, let me tell you one about this. One day I'm sitting there, Jay Leno walks in. He's usually just going, shut up, dork, idiot. That's just to me. Now he opened up, you can tell he's just to me now he opened up you can tell he's got that wall up but once you get through that wall he's he's a big dweeb and a comedy nerd just like everyone else speaking of building walls new Paul Simon doc directed by Alex Gibney who's the best I'm all over it yeah in

restless dreams is that out it's out okay so-wee! It's out there, Jerry. Okay, so that sounds amazing. That's any crazy highlights? Drunk, fell down, two people hooked up, anyone get divorced? Not really. That was the thing. It was just super fun. The first show was a little rough. I did the first show, it was kicking off the whole thing, and it was Mekong, Georgia.

And you'd fly to Atlanta, you'd drive two hours in a bus. But it was outdoor, it was hot, the sun wouldn't go down. Mosquitoes, clan members, burning cross. So that was a tough sledding. And that was the kickoff. So you're like, oh boy, we're in for it. But you did 15, 20 minutes and then you move on with your life. So it's really about the hang and the bus ride.

We stayed up the first night, we stayed up till five, you're shit talking on that bus. Wow. And you're flipping coins for who goes where? Yeah, they make a lineup and then you can kind of go, this is the line, oh hey Soder, can I go here? What do you think? And he's like, I don't give a shit. All right, you want to go for it?

I don't want to go for it, whatever. So you can kind of mix and match. Okay, that's nice. The craziest part was that Tell needed a hotel. He's old. The craziest part was that Tell needed a hotel. He's old. Dave Hotel. Yeah. So he's like, I need a hotel. So we would drive, we'd get in the bus at midnight. We'd drive from midnight to 7 a.m. to go to Savannah, whatever. And then Dave Hotel would stay up on the bus the whole night. Then we'd get to Savannah and he would go

to bed Wow, so you wake up you're like, alright Dave, it's four. I'm going to bed I'm shit-faced and he's like, alright, see ya pussy whatever and then you wake up at noon and David tell went to bed at nine Wow Crazy, can anyone get a hotel or you got it? You don't got a hotel. You got to sleep in a bus I think you got to be 60 or older now Is it one of these things where you sleep in the bus and you wake up and you feed a duct tape together and this? Come on your lip and they're like we got you. Hopefully no. I oh Bobby Lee was there too. Yeah No, there's nothing like that. I had my asshole was bleeding one morning, but I think that was just you know

It was Bobby so it wasn't that big of a penetration But did you see he fell off a bunk and broke his lip? I did not, broke a lip, I didn't break a lip. His lip popped open face first on the floor. Oh! That's the thing, I got top bunk, soda screwed me. He's six eight, whatever he is, if he's a foot, and I'm on the top and I gotta pee every night

because you're drinking vodka for six hours. So I have to climb down, I stepped on his big head like it was a shelf. I was like, sorry man. He's like, my dad's dead or whatever. Now you got fake hair all on your toes. So yeah, then you got to climb back up and it really ruins your sleep momentum. So Bobby, how did he fall and broke a lip? I've never heard broken lip other than the time I fucked my sister when she was a virgin. Yeah, he popped his Asian hymen and he just went face first down the top bunk. He had a bad childhood. He was wrestling in his dream with a with a molester and boom Timber. Wow. I love Timber. I prefer Bill, but hello folks. We're hot, baby. We're back. Rupert's dying.

Rupert. Good to have you. Rupert Greischer. You're Pooper. These two bruises, what is that? Then we, I flew back from Savannah, went straight to Philly. Well, you know one of those where you land and then went straight to Philly for a gig. Salakus has a wild hair up his dick and he goes, I want to do a shoot in Philly. I need a theater. That's why I needed your grammar seat. So I was like, all right, you can come, but I got to prepare. I got

a show to do. And he's like, don't worry. We get to this Philly theater and it's one of these old school theaters, the Miller Theater, right in the heart of Philadelphia. And they go, whoa, you can't film in here. What's with these fucking theaters? I know, Salak is brought a rig, he brought a jib, he brought a... but he couldn't film and he drove all the way for nothing. He drove. They wouldn't let him film.

Not a peep. So we had to fake it. So now we're waiting for the grips to walk by and Salak is like, roll it. So now we're shooting in like two second increments, just trying not to get caught. We pulled it off. That's the funny thing about Salak is Salak is not the kind of guy that goes, ah, fuck. All right. Well, whatever. He's like, well, we still got to do it. We'll figure it out. He rolls with it. Hey folks, this episode is brought to you by better help. The best way to get what you want out of life is to stop focusing on everybody else.

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my way god damn it. 90% of everything that comes in your Box of Awesome is from small up and coming brands. Get a free mystery gift with your free monthly shipment when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code TUESDAYS at checkout. That's BoxOfAwesome.com codecom code Tuesdays for a free mystery gift with your first monthly shipment box of awesome.com code Tuesdays. What a great Boston accent company the box of awesome. Yeah. Go to box of awesome.com use code Tuesdays. All right. Back to the show. What the hell are we talking about? By the way, Salak use, I look at differently ever since the incident, which incident the fucking,

the video, the video was going to bring that up. Folks. I mean, we got to put this on the page, put it on the page. We'll give them 12 bucks. This man is my hair. He's Batman. He is real life. Kramer. He walked that guy down. He had full gorilla alpha stance. Unbelievable. So Salak uses walking on his street. This is the city we're living in this fucking shit hole of a toilet. I'm heading to Kenny bunk and Jersey and battery park city and some other place, California, Texas, I don't know where I'm going. Gingarber. I'm up here. I'm already there. Salak is just

walking up the street, broad daylight. Hell's kitchen. A man, a crazy man, you know who comes running up, throws a full backpack at him. Yes. Stuffed backpack with bricks hits him with as the backpack's hitting him. He does an overhand right to the eye right on the socket punches his socket He's dazed. He's confused the guy walks away Salacuse Goes into his pocket pulls out his illegal mace. We shouldn't say his last name, maybe Well, whatever Syracuse University's Salacuse, this should be a Salacuse University There you go teach people how to pepper

spray the Syracuse, the Salak use fighting short guineas. He pulls out pepper spray. The guy goes to pick up his book full of pennies bag full of pennies. Salak used blasts him in the eye kisser. Then the guy walks away and Salacuse chases him down hits him a second time again and does one of these and the guys walking away going all right all right you just my eye and he goes I'm gonna hit the other he's literally it's on video Salacuse four foot eight hundred and forty eight pounds whatever he is on a good day 220 thank you so he walks them down the street oh yeah he's waving a flag now they full-on Peter Northam right in the

mug and the guy's like all right all right but uh they get the CCTV footage so he went to the bank or whatever the hell and they were like he was like give me that footage and send it to the cops by the way the CCTV footage better than any footage Salchus has ever shot. It's the best production he's ever been part of. Not shaky at all, crisp, clear, in focus. Yeah. But I mean he's literal Batman. I'm like we should have a ticket tape for parade for the guy. And you want him, he's a dad. You want that as your dad because I feel like if a guy threw a bag at me full of bricks I'd go Jesus Christ then he hits you you're like what the fuck let me get out of here this guy

is like no no let me let me fuck with the guy back yeah I gotta get some weapons I mean this man it really is I feel like you know Ronnie K the prop comic that whole episode I'm a new man Jerry well here's the kooky part I go well you worried the guy was gonna lunge at you I mean you got pepper spray but he can still beat the shit out of you and he goes I had a knife They're like, okay. Yeah, he's Tanya Harding well, I think I told this story before but Salkius and I went to shoot some street photography and I'm like, well I'll just shoot buildings. I can't shoot people that's crazy and Alec Baldwin he goes no. no, it's no problem.

Don't worry, I've never had a problem my whole life. And I go, okay, you sure? Maybe, I don't know, it seems like people would be upset. He's like, no one ever gets upset. And here's your camera and then here's your pepper spray, keep that on you. And I'm like, well, what's the pepper spray? Yeah.

He just told me not to worry about it. Why do I need a weapon? He's like, no, no, you gotta have the pepper spray. So he's full of shit. And what a special man, special needs man. Tough guy. You want him in your corner because he is a stocky barrel of vengeance. Yeah. And that guy thought, oh, here's a fucking fat dork with a silly mustache. Well, that's what I said. I was like, Sal, you should walk around the village

with those kooky frames, you got a mustache and a Hawaiian shirt, they think you're a homo. That's what it is, you're walking around in Hell's Kitchen, this is a gay bashing. That guy, but then when you turn the tides on him and spray that guy right in the face, I think he was like, oh, maybe this guy's not so fruity. Well there's nothing gayer than spraying the guy in the face.

Oh yeah. You got a point there. You got a point there. And the guy did throw his bag on his face. Okay. Fisted him. We're having a nice time. Fistily responsible. There you go. So anyway, so then, uh, then what? Oh, then we, uh, we shot this shit in Philly. We got everything, but we couldn't get one scene. So that's why we bugged you for the Gramercy, but that, uh, that's going to be rescheduled. But then I flew after Philly. What a flu straight to Austin. Hey, I'll throw it at you. Cause, uh, I'm hogging. I can't wait to hear about Austin. Well, I was down there in Key West, even wore the shirt to prove it. That's a hell of an island. That key. I love a key. Let me take

a look at some notes because it was about six months ago. Did anything happen? Doug key key master. Well, that was fun. I got to talk about this. Well, a couple of things. I mean, first of all, Key West was amazing. It was six months ago, so it's hard to remember. But Tom Dustin, my pal, the movie's coming by the way, the Tom Dustin doc is coming. We're submitting it to a couple of festivals. And this thing is just going to be color corrected, which costs literally $15,000, which is crazy. Good name for gentrification, but a correction. Good point. Something there. So go down and see Tom Dustin, James Patterson, the loves of our lives down there. One of the best clubs. And I tell everyone you should make a pilgrimage down there. You got that right. Go watch comedy in Key West. It's a

great island. It's a great club. And this is independent comedy at its best. Yes, here, here. No. Joe Maddow's Tom Dustin. What are you gonna say? No corporate, no funny bone, no improv, no chain, just a great room run by real guys, real comics and you know people drive 10 hours to go see us at the Grizzly Dick. You might as well go to Key West and make a night out of it or a weekend. Come on down. You're the next contestant at the Key West Comedy Club and they're bringing in serious acts. Ari Shaffir yourself, Chad Daniels. So come be a part of the magic. We love going there. So now this is our first time we bring the baby down there. It's me, Sarah, the baby. Oh, and it's a lot of travel. You're going to fly to Atlanta and down here

down to QS from there. And that was fun. I mean, it was challenging but fun. You get to Key West and it's just the best. I love fucking Key West. It is the best place on earth. You breathe easier there. You really do. And everywhere is walking. Normally we're biking, but now we have the baby. So it's a little trickier and Sarah usually features an eye headline, but we got the baby. So he's hosting? Well, we're down there and they go, oh, we got a babysitter, don't worry. But you know, it's a Key West babysitter.

I don't like it. I don't want anyone that's ever set foot in Key West watching my Bambino. No, that's a real, they're both going to be hitting the bottle. I mean, it's Key's disease, it's swinging. It's fat, it's gay, it's fat. It's gay. It's drunk Oh, yeah, everybody there is running from something exactly. They all fucked a kid at 88 now. They got a hideout

Yeah, so I'm like, yeah, maybe we'll use the babysitter. Don't worry about it So we had to book the show where Sarah opens then we have Patterson go in between us and then me So that gives me time. I'm at the condo with the baby I'm out in the port. He goes to bed at 7 I'm on the porch smoking a cigar watching the sunset feeling grateful living my life The show is going on you feel like a rock star the show I'm like Guns N' Roses Wow because the show is taking place down the street. Yes, it's like a half a mile So Sarah we have one bike between us.

She rides the bike. Tom hosts. Heat opens. She brings her up. She does her set. I'm having a cigar. The baby's sleeping. She rides the bike.

How romantic is this? She rides the bike back to me. Wow. She texts. I'm leaving now. So I know I got five minutes. Put the cigar out on my dick, because that makes me come. Sure.

I watch. We're on a balcony. I'm watching her ride up the street. Cling, cling my dick, because that makes me cum. Sure. I watch, we're on a balcony. I'm watching her ride up the street. Cling, cling, cling, cling. She pulls up. I come down. How's the crowd? They're hot.

It's a great night. I go, awesome. How's the baby? He's sound asleep. She gets off the bike. I get off on the bike. Wow. I smell the seat.

I get on there. I ride down. They got a guy on the porch waiting for me to send the signal to Tom. You got a lookout guy. Here he comes. He's here. So the show has been going on for an hour.

I haven't even been there. So I parked the bike, lock it up, walk up the stairs. I give Tom the old wave. They hit me with the water. I go right on stage. Now it's interesting because normally you have some sense of what's been going on in the show. I haven't seen a second. Yes. I walk on. you have some sense of what's been going on in the show I've been seeing a second yes I walk on I have the set of my life Wow say goodbye beat and greet hello how do you do touch

everyone's dicks I hop back in that bike cruise home we fuck rinse and repeat Wow what a week I mean what a life holy shit that's the beauty of comedy you say guns and roses, who else could do that besides like a beat poet or some shit. You know you could just no equipment, roll right up, you don't need to see anything, no sound check, no nothing, in and out. I'm here, I'm ready and there's something so romantic about riding your bike to work and riding your bike home and I'll tell you after a hot show to just cruise up the street and the other thing that's nice is you know I used to drink excessively

for a long time it's fun in Key West you're riding your bike back up the street and you see all these people at the Green Parrot and the blue asshole everyone's hair you go I'm gonna wake up at 6 a.m. fresh as a goddamn daisy doodle. Oh yeah. And what a great time and we took the baby around. That was fun. We went to the pool and the beach and you put them in the ocean and it was just a wonderful, wonderful time. Now how about this? There's a place across the street from the condo called something, Tapas. I don't know what it's called. Baloney Tapas. How do you feel about Tapas? I hate them. I don't know what it's called. Baloney tapas.

How do you feel about tapas? I hate them. I don't like it. It's a tease. It's like going, hey, I'm just going to flick your dick. No, blow it. It's a massive ripoff. Huge ripoff. You get these little cups of olives or sardines or bread with oil. I'm like, give me a meal.

It makes no sense. I don't get it. It's like, yeah, here's the thimble with red eye steak in it. Yeah. It's 48 bucks. It's a tease. You're just putting a pinky in my finger. Give me the full fist. It's the dumbest thing.

Sorry. Zara was like, I was looking at this tapas menu. Maybe we'll get that. And you know how this happens sometimes in relationships and friendships and people go, I'm thinking this for dinner. And you go, sure, it's not gonna be great. Yeah.

And so, but you have to choose your battles and places and things. So you go, all right. It's right across the street. She's like, yeah, why don't you just go get some, order a few, we'll share them, which I hate the order a few and share. Hate to share. Let me get what I want. I want an entree. You get an entree.

Reach under your chair. Everyone gets an entree. Yes. Yes. Entree. Vue. What is this an orgy? Let's just stick with the thing we want. I just don't get it. Okay. Yeah. All right. And then I have one thing. I love it. It's gone because people hate it. I completely agree. And it's just it's tension the whole time. Like, can I have one thing I love it. It's gone because people hate it. I completely agree And it's just it's tension the whole time like can I have more of that? I don't be a pig Oh, but I want it. Oh now miserable. You can't live like that's why when I order pizza or whatever it is I'm like get ten pete. Yes for people. Yes, cuz I don't want anyone to go Rupert's fucking He's got a jizz. We keep talking about food like this. I just, I can't, I don't want anyone

ever to be like this. Ah, we're out of the thing. Of course. Of course. Yeah. And by the way, don't get the, you know, when they're like, let's get five meat lovers and four veggie, you know, cause they're like, nah, everybody wants to meet. What are you doing? Don't, don't equal them out. Don't do it it like half and half. No, I hate half and half. It's like on the plane where you're in first class and they go, all right, we got two pot roasts and the rest are a cold fish salad. Yes. And you're like, well, I'll take the pot roast. We're out. Right. I'm the second guy. Right. It's bullshit. And anyway, so we go to this top this place and I go over, I'm like, all right, I'll go over.

It's across the street. She's putting the baby down. I walk over and it's happy hour. Ah, yes. So I go in and I go, all right, let me get a two of the fucking, I don't know, meat sticks, three fish hooks, three assholes, the foreskin,

whatever it is. And then I see on the happy hour menu, marinara meatball. Okay. And I go, hey, I love a marinara meatball. Set me up with two of the marinara meatballs. Now I already ordered a couple of Swedish meatballs that are on the regular menu.

Okay, I like those too. So yeah, they're fun. So I go, okay, this, this, this, and this this the other and she goes. Oh wait, let me see Hold on one second. I go. All right. I'll hold on she walks away. She comes back. She goes. Yep I was afraid of this the happy hour menu. You can't get a takeout And the marinara is on the happy hour. Ah, and I go oh Can't take it out. How come? I don't understand. It's on the menu. Yeah. And she goes, well,

it's happy hour and it's not a regular thing. And I go, all right, what about this? Could I pay full price? Because if it's happy hour, they might need it. I don't understand. So I go, I'll pay full price for it, even though it's happy hour, which is, it makes you realize how silly the whole thing is, but keep going. Doesn't feel like a happy hour. Which is, it makes you realize how silly the whole thing is, but keep going. Doesn't feel like a happy hour. And then she goes, that's a sad hour.

So then she goes, well, it's not that so much. It's, they're just so slammed back there. The packaging it would be too much. I don't buy it. And I go, all right, she's being very nice, but I'm like, wait, the package, now you've lost me. Yeah. Because if it's the happy, if it's a price thing, okay, I get it.

You can't take out half price. None of it makes sense, honestly. Sure. And I'm trying not to be an ass because I've been in the service industry. I get it. But you're like, packaging. I know. You got to put packaging to me.

Exactly. What are you doing? And you want to just go bring them over, give me a box for the other thing, and I'll put it in the box. That's what I want to say. I'm like, well, hold on. I'll just carry them like a like a fucking ferret. Yes. Yes. Like squirrel with a nut. Just give me the meatballs. I'll walk with them dripping. Also, you're already packaging Swedish meatballs. Exactly. Because they're on the regular menu. What do you mean? They're so swamped they can't package?

Yeah. What if I get a table, order the meatball marinara, and then as soon as they come I go, you know what? I'll take these to go. There you go. Couldn't I do that? Of course. What would they do?

Would they say, oh, you can't take those to go because we're swamped in the package department? It's crazy. She's made a thing up. Hey, she made a thing up and she thought she had you, but you called the bluff. But I went, you know, again, she was being very friendly and I don't want to be a big Karen in the mud. So I went, all right, no sweat. I go, doesn't make any sense. And she goes, I agree. I agree. So I appreciate the agreement. That's all I need. But you go back. So then I take the food I did get, I walk back over and I just take a cardboard

box. You open it, you unfold it, and you pull out meatballs. There you go. So you're telling me the Swedish sauce, that's packageable. Right. The red sauce, we can't, we're too swamped to package the same meatball with the red sauce. I know, and here's what bugs me, is you're right,

she's wrong, but if you pry, people go, geez, why you gotta be so difficult? They're like, I's wrong, but if you pry, people go, jeez, why you gotta be so difficult? They're like, I'm not, you are. I'm just calling it out, and then they get mad at you for some reason. Right, and you try to be understanding, and I understood, you get it, you leave, whatever, and the Swedish meatball was delicious,

and it was fine, but you're like, you should really get away with this. Also, going back to the tapist topic, topist topic. That sounds like a Greek guy. Oh yeah. I guess reversed would be more Greek. Topist topic. Isn't it crazy?

All Greek names, Endoness. Is that right? I don't know if it's 100% right, but it's like 99. Are you Greek? Jennifer Aniston. But she must've changed that somewhere. I think she's Greek. But I bet she changed her name,

or maybe that's her, maybe her mother's Greek. Anniston doesn't sound like a Greek name at all. Oh really? Let's get a Rupert. Give it a go. It must have been Anastasia. Uh-huh, but that's no S either. John Stamos, John Yannis Papas, Jackie Onassis, Halkeis, the other guy, Yannis. Yeah. Yann, Yanni. There's Yannis, the basketball player. Yeah, his name's Thumbapopatopoulos. Yeah, it's George Stephanopoulos. Yeah. Her father is Greek, he shortened his name.

From what to what? From two. It was Yannis Anastakis. There you go. Anastakis. It's like Japanese, They end in vowels. Italian and Japanese end in vowels. And Greek names end in S. There you go.

How do you like that? Who are the Greek people we know? Janus and Stav. Who are the big? Sophocles? Oh yeah. What about Julius Caesar? Oh, that's Rome. Rome. That's Italian. Then you got a Socrates.

Plato! Plato! What's Plato from? He's got to be Greek. Yeah, what's his name though? Is that his first name? Maybe it's Plato Papas. Oh, that's true. Let me get some Plato over there. Yeah, I used to love Plato. I'm eating Plato. Yeah. All right. We're getting we're getting a ruling on play dough here. My favorite planet play dough. There we go. They go play don't change the day. Who's he share. Jesus. So there you go. Google do all Greek names and an S put that on the Google machine. There we go. How do we get off on this?

Oh, Toppiss. Toppiss. That's what I was gonna say. The bill is like 88 bucks. We got four appetizers. I'm starving. Exactly. I gotta go buy a pizza. It's brilliant for the restaurant.

Sucks for us. Toppiss. I prefer bottomless. They fucked us. Yeah. Poppiss fucked us. Anyway, I got a few more Key West things, but I wanna keep volleying over to you.

What did you get? Toppa's got a brand new bag. Oh yeah, it's basically all Endoness. I told you. Hey, you called it. See, patterns are real. You know, if you go, hey, black people are late. If you go, hey, shut up, you're like, I'm just going off the numbers.

Okay. There's charts, there's stats. I'm joking, of course. But yeah, okay, well, let me just say I went to Austin and got to tell you that Austin, I don't know how these people, these Gillis's or these Tyler Fish or these Segura's who must be Greek. How do they live there? I mean, it's that that city is a boiling pot of evil goo,

just circling a dish. What do you mean the heat? The homeless? The drugs, the whores, the cigarettes, the shows, the fucking pork taco, the tequila. I mean it's just I was there. I got there Monday night, flew down. Nice treat. Where you get on a flight False alarm and Ari is just sitting there Oh I got about that Ari first class and they hit up some lady sitting next to him I was like, I'm back here and you know Ari goes man Would you mind if my retarded brother sat next to me and she was like, oh my god, okay So I drooled a little and then I got in there and then we just chatted the whole way down a four-hour flight we had a couple of drinks we talked and we were it was a great time

sounds awful then well he's got the hat now he's got the Indiana Jones hat if you caught that Ari he's going I haven't seen Ari since 1988 he'll probably wear it to the BBQ tomorrow he's going he looks like the guy who owns Jurassic Park David Attenborough or Richard Attenborough? I always confuse my Attenborough's. Yeah, they're brothers. Yeah. Yeah.

Richard's the actor, David's the narrator. Yeah, I think you're right. Not Greek. So flew down with R. We get there. We wash up. We go right to kill Tony. The RU garbage guys are on. Those guys are fucking firing on all cylinders.

We do the show, killer show, get out of there, and Foley goes, I got a flight at 6 a.m. And I go, ooh, that is gonna be rough. What do you wanna do, some shots? And he goes, line them up. So we just did a bunch of shots, we stumble out of Mitzi's at 4 a.m. And he goes, I guess I'll go to the airport.

Oh! You are garbage! I love it! God, that scares me! I know, but he made it. He made the flight. He was in first class. He got 17 Bloody Marys and a Dunkin' Donuts. He was fine. Boy, those are good boys. I love those guys. Good eggs and that Mitzi's. It's just cigarette smoke and hooting and hollering and bah! Another round of strawberry for me my friends you know just a great time headlocks and you walk out of there you go get a late-night taco love Austin but I gotta get out right so we pulled an all-nighter that night that was the first that was Monday oh boy so then you wake up whatever we got protect our parks on Wednesday so I'm like gotta, got to get it together. Got to get it together, do a couple of mothership sets

on Tuesday, you sleep all day, whatever. Hit the pool with Ari. Then we do Protect Our Parks. I show up with Ari. The pod's at two. Rogan's like, get there at noon if you can. I was like, noon? What? So we show up at noon. There's an Italian guy, beautifully dressed, three button, three piece suit, whatever you call it, and Rogan goes, this is Antonio Budegadega. He's the best suit maker in America. Whoa.

He's making everybody suits. What? And I go, wow, we got a free suit? He goes, yeah, Shane had a wedding to go to, some kind of football player wedding, big deal. Christian McCaffrey? That's it. So, he needed a suit.

So, of course, Rogan is like a big, you know, thinking guy. So, he goes, I'll buy everybody suits. And we go, great. That's your idea of a big thought. You need a suit? Well, get a suit. But everybody. Wow.

The whole crew. Big thought. So, the guy pulls out that tape measure. That was just for Ari's nose. And then he's just doing the pants. He does the inseam. He touches my leg. And that's a measure of those balls, by the way. We don't have enough tape. Yeah. We did a whole ball of yarn for that. Some twine, Mark Twine. And so yeah, we got the suits measured, then we high-tailed right into that studio. We had a great part that's on Spotify. And then we got drunk. We went out and got steaks. Yucked it up with the steaks. You know what's

funny? The steak dinner, always better than the pod. Right. You know, we're laughing, we're drinking, we're hooting. We're like, where was this on the app? I know. That's the way it should be though. I guess so. I think.

And then we go right in and we do the mothership. And now I got to tell you, last Protect Our Parks, I got so drunk, I puked all over the mothership as I told you. Right. I remember, yeah, you had to send a dozen roses. I sent an edible arrangement. So the staff loves me now. I'm the guy who sent the edible arrangement.

I wrote a long note, a lot of jokes in it. And now I'm high five and I'm like, I'm not going to puke tonight. It's a big inside joke. And the last time I repeated three jokes, I killed, but they were laughing at me. So I made sure not to do that. We had a good time. And then I flew straight to Seattle, do the more. Whoa. What a fucking week. What a week. So then we'll throw it at you. That's insane. I mean the more that's where they shot even flow of course. I think we even flow girl. The bathroom at a heavy flow. Let me see. Oh, this one I was in a gun quit. You ever hear of a gun quit main. I've heard about

gun. I've done a gig there. Really? Yeah. I did a little theater. No, I was at a bar. It was rough. Well, it's, it's the gay main place. Gay and gay. Yeah. Exactly. Lawson game, but, uh, it's a great play. I used to go there when I was a kid, as a gay kid, of course. Sure. Sure. And I've been there in 35 years. And of course we're going up to Boothbay Habba. Little gays. Where we go every year. And we're doing Portland, the Empire Comedy Club,

which I gotta give a shout out to Empire Comedy Club. Yeah, how is that? Lucas, oh, it's awesome. That was, it was awesome when I did it in 2019, then COVID shut everything down, but they're back, hot room. We did two sold out shows on a Monday. That feels good.

Empire Strikes Back. And what a great, I love the city. I love the club. And it was such a great night of shows. Both shows were just red hot. A lot of Tuesdays, the whole thing. Couldn't do a meet and greet because we had to flip the room. And then I had to bomb back to Booth Bay to get relieved the babysitter. Yes. And, um, but someone gave me a nice car. I forget the woman's name. It was a female gay, very attractive, I might add. And, uh, had a husband though. It was handsome. Also, she left a car with one of the nicest notes. It made my eyeballs well with tears. Oh, hey, you got wet and 50 bucks.

How about this? We go to it. There's a great cigar store in downtown Portland, which I was happy to see it survived. I hadn't been there a few years. I bought $54 with a cigars. Wow. Yeah. Which isn't that many cigars actually. I buy nice cigars, bought the cigars. We eat in a floating restaurant called Demoula's, or Demiola's, best restaurant in town. It was beautiful. Go do the show. This lady gives me a card.

I open the card. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever written. There's a $50 bill and it says, have a cigar on you. Hey! Is that unbelievable? That's Kismet, Jerry. Exactly the amount of, I'm even Steven. Wow, look at that. She owes me four bucks if you ask me. That's kismet Jerry exactly the amount of spell I'm even Steven Wow

Look at that. She owes me four bucks if you ask me, but I mean unbelievable It just felt like everything's coming up millhouse. It was awesome cigars were great but We're in no gun Quinn, which is a spectacular place. It's really been built up. Yes in there Hey, she's a close but no cigar. But not bad. Close but four cigars. We went to the beach. We get there. It's a beautiful summer day. It's a long ride. The baby doesn't want to be in the car that long anymore. He's movie and crawly and climby, so you got to stop. It's just a long ride. Get to the beach. We're staying in a resort, they call it. It's just an old hotel on the beach. Yeah. I'm like, we got to get in the water. We're staying in a resort. They call it just an old, old hotel

on the beach. Yeah. I'm like, we got to get in the water. I'm dying. Now the baby's only ever swam in the Caribbean or whatever Gulf of Mexico and Karen Fian's heated pool. Wow. So now we're going to the North Atlantic. I'm like, he's going to shit a lobster. It's freezing. It's freezing. And the water is like 48 degrees. It's like 80 degrees outside. But up there you're on the water. It's Maine. It's evening. It's now dropped to like 68 degrees. You're gonna freeze his little nuts off. But you know me, the white heels, baby. I got to get that. If I'm near the ocean, I'm getting in there. You better believe it. And for me, the cold of the better, if you ask me. Wow. So we go down there, we got in the beach,

Sarah can't get in, it's too cold for her, and it's like high tide, so the beach, you can walk, it's one of these places you can walk like 60 feet out of the ocean, you're still only waist deep. Oh, nice. So I strap the baby on me, and I go, this is your first time in the Atlantic, the North Atlantic, it's gonna be great,

he's got a little wetsuit thing. I put his feet in, you can see he's like this. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah, like North Atlantic. It's going to be great. He's got a little wetsuit thing. I put his feet in. You can see he's like this. Like a Muslim. It's beautiful, but you're like, it's too cold to bring them all the way in there. So I got him in the water. I dip him in. I put his toes in his knees in. He pisses all over the place. He takes a shit. He's smiling. He's having a good time. He splashes around. Oh yeah. He loves the salt water. He's started drinking it. No, no freak out. No, ah, it's too cold.

No. I think you get these kids young enough. You just go, this is what you do. You just get in the water. I guess so. So we get in the water. He's a little chilly. I give him back to his mother. I go, I got to get out there. I got to get in there. You take him, have him watch me. It'll be fun. I go way out there because you could just walk and walk on this high tide in Algonquin Beach. Wow. So I'm like 60 feet out and the waves are coming in. It's icy cold. The sun is coming down. My son is over there. I got the wife, the son, the son, the water washing over me. Oh, a spiritual swim of my whole life. What a country. Icy cold. What a life. Come in, get dried off.

I tell them how spiritual and meaningful it was to me. Sarah's on her tick tock. We go, we dry off. I go, let's go get some food. Baby falls asleep in the garage. Go out, get a nice Italian meal. Beautiful. And now you go out for dinner. This is the great thing about living in New York. It's like swinging two bats. You go out to dinner in Ogunquin, Maine. I go, I'll have a chicken parm, she'll have the veal, give us a salad and some bread. Get the check.

Oh, it's $11.95. So you tip 80%. There you go, sweetie. Have a nice life. Wait, where's the little guy? He's sleeping on the thing. In the restaurant? Oh yeah.

Wow. He's like right on there like this. We have a nice meal, you know, we're slurping spaghetti, we kiss, we go to Big Daddy's ice cream. Shout out to Big Daddy's. Baby, put it right in my ass. Some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Woo woo woo.

Now we go get in line, there's a family. Uh oh. So they're walking. They're like very a waspy. I call her and the kids are wearing matching polo shirts and the thing they got shoes and saw whatever the whatever the fuck they're like Anglo-Saxon Protestant. Yes. So they got all that. They just look wealthy. She's wearing pearls. They're just like a fancy pants family. Pearl necklace. And uh, Oh, what did I say? I made some joke and they went, Oh fuck. The kid looked upset.

I had to apologize. I felt bad. Oh, just say something about them being in the clan or owning slaves. No, it was about Sarah. I said, you know, something I let them pass and I was like, ah, she's all, she'll be dead soon or we're getting divorced. I don't love her or something, something like that to that ilk. And the boy was like, Oh, he was like 10. He was like, Oh, and I was like, I'm just kidding. I shouldn't have said that. It was kind of a mean joke. Oh boy. But it was about a lady. Yeah. It was about Sarah. I felt bad. Yeah. Women don't like jokes. So then we bump into them again, and the ice cream place, there's an entrance, so you're supposed to enter

and be in line over here, but they entered in the exit door. I see. And I went, they came through the exit, and they went, oh shit, I went, you guys go ahead. You were here before us. You walked in, you didn't know which door was which, even though I managed to figure it out. But I went, you guys go ahead which door was which, even though I managed to figure it out. But you guys go ahead and he goes, Oh, thank you. That's really nice. Even though

they're family of four, we're only two. If I was them, I would have gone, no, no, no, no, you go. Exactly. So I go, you four go ahead of us too. You walked in the wrong door, but you didn't know you should have been here first. You're just idiots. Yes. You go. Well, they're used to getting their way. These people.. You're just idiots. Yes. You go. Well, they're used to getting their way, these people. Well, I feel proud of myself. I go, I'm laid back. I had the spiritual swim.

I'm a new man. You're big daddy. Then you hear this. Can I try the grapefruit fucking ice cream? Oh, the tasting. Oh, yeah. I'd like to try that too. Oh, you know what?

Make it three tries. Ah. I didn't like that one. Oh, you know what? I'll make it three, three tries. Ah. I didn't like that one. Let me get the black raspberry up. I go, what are you fucking nuts? The sampling is out of control. The whole family's sampling.

We got a quadruple sample after a line cut. Ah, sample sale. So now I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? Yeah, you blew it family, you waspy cunts. I got four waspy assholes who don't like humor who go in through the outdoor, out through the indoor, they get welcome to gut in front of me, and then they get samples.

You cunts with your Vineyard Vine shirts with the whale on it, your boat shoes, get out of here. I hate the whale, I hate shoes, and I hate Jews. It was crazy. Yes, here, here. Just kidding, I love the whale. I hate shoes. Yeah, it was Just kidding. I love the Jews, but it just goes It's just crazy a sample sample my ass no samples and for people sampling no

What do you pee diddy make your own music? But I think they should have been like, no, no, you go. We're assholes. We walked in the wrong door. We have too much money and we're going to get samples. Yes. Sampleton. Exactly. I don't like it. Suck it there.

Yeah. Yeah. Big honkeys. Sample suck. But anyway, I know we got to wrap up, but I got a lot more stuff to talk about. A lot more Maine where that came from. A lot more Texas. You went to Spain, Barcelona, Maine and Spain.

Hey, then robo falls mainly on the plane. So we'll see what happens. But we were about to wrap up big, big nugget. Just want to say, I had a little health scare health and then we'll wrap it up with this. So the lady hit me up. She's like, something's up. You got to get down here. I had to fly back to New York.

Oh boy. Hospital. What? Yeah. Who? What? Big news. Uh oh.

Wheelchair. Oh boy. I'm kidding. Pregnant! Whoa! Yeah! There it is, folks! What's a health scare? That was a setup. That's not a health scare. Oh boy. I'm kidding. Pregnant! Whoa! Yeah! There it is, folks!

What's a health scare? That was a setup. That's not a health scare! Well, we're trying to get rid of it. Whoa! Yeah! All right! It's a disease.

So there you go. Now we're talking. That's it. Big Daddy's ice cream. We're gonna have Cuzzey Wuzzies! Yes! So you gotta help me. I'm terrified.

I need all your hand-me-downs. Give me the onesies. Oh, it's gonna be wonderful. It's gonna be wonderful. Oh yeah. So when is it, when's the thing? When's the do? Yeah. Late Jan.

Whistling Capricorn. I know, I'm terrified, I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm gay, I'm all over the road here. That's exciting, it's gonna be wonderful, it's gonna be a girl. You think? One boy, 100%. Why? Bet $1,000 on it. Can it give me a reason? I just know. I know these things. I got a six cents for these things. She feels it kicking or whatever

or fighting or slurring and she thinks it's a boy. Now she's wrong. All right. Yeah. But by the way, even if it comes out one, you can't even lose the bet because gender is a concept, a construct, a fluid. Yeah, it's it's fluid, Jerry. Wow. January. Check your fluids. Late. Maybe it'll be January 31st, Dick DePaulo's birthday. There you go. That's what I want. That's the course. I'm hoping. Well, that's exciting. How do you feel? What are you doing? I'm nervous. I'm scared. Well, that's exciting. How do you feel? What do you do? I'm nervous. I'm scared. It helps that you have one, uh, you know, Sal Vulcano had a kid and, uh, Doug Key's got a kid. So the things are, things are happening around us. So yeah, I mean,

I'm, I'm 40 now and you know, it feels, uh, feels about right. Everyone's got a kid. It's easy. What do you do? You just look at it. You walk around, you take the shit out, you wipe the shit. All right. I'll put it in the ocean. I just look at it. You walk around you take the shit out you wipe the shit All right. I'll put it in the ocean. I'll get it cold. You wipe a tear. There's nothing to it. All right I'm doing it. Yeah, you're doing it. You seem fine. Yeah, I'm a little sleepy. Yeah, I don't sleep anyway So well, we'll figure it out. That's perfect. Maybe a little bored at nine months. Well, you think you don't sleep. Oh, yeah We have the baby really that's why that's how I said I'm like once you have the baby, then you're like I can't believe I ever said I was tired at any point in my life

It's all over but you'll have a nanny and a cranny and a ganny. Yeah, and a tranny. Well, we'll make it work Yeah, do it all but that's exciting. I'm pumped I Knew it was coming and I'm so excited. Really? Wow. I think a girl. He's going girl. We should do a pool. Let's make a bed. How does that work? The pool. I think the pool is the day it's born.

Ah, well either way, Rupert's keeping his shirt on. Don't let him jump in. It'll just be a skateboarding park after. I don't know. Maybe we'll do a tweet thing, like a pool or a pole or what do you call it? Yes or boy or girl? Boy, girl, and the date. I think everyone puts money. How does this work?

Call in. Yeah. Because I think they do these things. I think there's a date thing, too. I'll buy three squares. Right. It's like a roulette. Do you do a reveal,

a gender reveal? We're going to, we want to know the gender. Did you? Yeah. Well, we made ours in a lab. So we knew. Oh God, I got a test to babe. Well, we're going to do a gay thing. We go to Magnolia and be like, here, here's the note that's got the gender on it. Make us a cupcake. If it's a, got a Dick on it, we know it's non-binary and you bite in you cut in what do you do cut cut it? Right down the middle. That's exciting. That is gay. Yes, super gay Wow I can't wait. This is gonna be a barrel of laughs. I'm gonna be the first one over there, please come by we need you I'm terrified. I can't hold it. I'm gonna drop it. I'm gonna squeeze. I'm gonna pet it too hard I'm gonna touch it. No, it's gonna be wonderful. That does it that settles it. I'm moving hold it, I'm gonna drop it, I'm gonna squeeze it, I'm gonna pet it too hard, I'm gonna touch it. No, it's gonna be wonderful.

That does it, that settles it. I'm moving to Battery Park City. I'm gonna be over there every, it's 20 minutes apart. We looked it up earlier, 24 minutes. Let the kids get to know each other. He'll be a little older, a little wiser, a little fatter, and you can tell him what's what. It's weird, because he'll be 15 months older.

So your baby will be like a little piece of shit. Mine will be a talking, walking, masturbating bear. Yes. But then they're the same age difference as you and I. Oh, isn't that weird? Yeah, that works. Isn't that crazy to think at one point you're a little smudgy piece of shit. And I was like, Dad, why don't you smile or talk to me? Right. And then now here we are the same age cut from the same ass Wow Look at that. It's a lock. Well, I say this sometimes to pregnant women

I see pregnant women walking around and I point to my baby. I'm like same age basically Yeah, isn't that weird? That's weird. Like they'll both be 30 at the same time But my baby like crawls and climbs and her babies inside inside her twat. But the age difference is very, it's very maximized at a young age. Like two and four is crazy. That's a crazy difference. That's a double difference. But then 22 and 24, that's the same person. Right. So yeah. 68, 66. Forget about it. Whatever. Yeah. Then 94, 92, one's dead. There you go. Hopefully. Sorry, bud. But yeah. But any farts, that's exciting.

I can't wait. January. Winter's good, too, because then for the summer, the baby's old enough to kind of do things. Mars came in October, so it's very exciting because now he's kind of like, oh, the swimming. Right, right, OK. So it's good. You knock out the hardest part during winter. Yes, you hibernate a little.

You stay indoors. You swaddle. But yeah, that first couple months is a big bag of shit, but then it's wonderful. All right, well, hey, maybe it'll tear us apart. Maybe we'll throw it in the dumpster. Maybe we'll get a divorce. Who knows?

Well, I've never been more attracted to my wife, so that's exciting. Plus, you get pregnant sex. Who knows? Well, I've never been more attracted to my wife's. Okay, plus you get pregnant sex I already had it they come but like real fat like like chuck fat, you know They're just they jizz quicker and faster. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, well, that'll be a first plus those tits are massive. All right. Yeah, she's already got these crazy Watermelons, they got the veins coming out.

The nips are... I love the veins. Oh yeah. Big vein guy. Okay. Vane Morrison. Well, that's exciting. Well, we got to plug some dates here.

Yeah, what do you got, Fetty? What year is this? I have no idea. Is that right? 715? 715. No, sorry. Okay.

Well, we got ads too. Rupert, you fucking idiot. You blew it. This must be coming out seven 22. That sounds about right. It's right. Seven 15. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm at the Atlanta punch line. No way. Crocodile in Seattle. Yeah. I think this is next week's episode, right? Or am I gay? I don't know. Seven 22. All right. Well, I'm at the crocodile this Thursday in Seattle. One night only crocodile. August is big Milwaukee improv.

August 2nd and 3rd, but Goobies August 8th, 9th and 10th side splitters in Tampa, August 22nd, 23rd, 24th and August 11th. I'm doing an hour at the fat black fat black September Oklahoma City September 4th through the 6th Portland helium September 12th through the 14th and Helium Indianapolis September 19th to the 21st and the special is creeping towards a million So please go watch that tell a a friend, spread the word, join the Patreon, we have children to raise, me a son, him a daughter, for God's sakes,

get on the Patreon, we did the two crazy bonuses. The video, whatever the fuck. The backstage, the stand with the cues. That was huge. Shaky footage, fun stuff. Soder, Karen, you running from spot to spot. We're ordering tiramisu, we're singing and dancing. Yeah.

Plus the other one, where was the other one shot? I can't even fucking remember. Ah. The one before that. Not the stand? There was the Goodfellas one and the Saturday Night Fever. Oh, that was the stand too. That was with Andre Kim.

Yes. So go check those out and get on that Patreon. We need ya. Marcus. Yo, I'm going to Rockford, Illinois. Rockford files. I believe the Rockford peaches are from there. Also, cheap trick. Then the Rochester, Minnesota, as David Tell says, the connecting flights tours.

Then I'm in Louisville, Kentucky. Carpenter Theater in Richmond, Virginia. Carolina Theater in Greensboro, North Carolina. Take your shirt off. Anaheim in LA. Thousand Oaks, California after that. Redding, Pennsylvania. Red Bank, New Jersey. Colorado Springs, Colorado. Fort Collins, just to name a few, Fox Theater in St. Louis, Orlando, Florida, and Fort Lauderdale. You know I love Florida. Can't wait to get down there.

Queef it up. Praise Allah. Get on the Patreon. Thanks for listening. We're gay. Big Daddy's over here. Comedy. Rupert, do you want to say anything?

Yeah. Alright. Alright. Spin it out, Rupert. do you want to say anything? Uh, yeah. Alright, great. Go ahead, say something. Check out my podcast, Reviewing History, give it a listen. It's a nerdy show, but check it out. We love nerdy. Yeah, we're good. We love the nerdy nerdy. Thank you.