Tuesdays with Stories! - #564 Homo Way

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

It's Tuesdays and we're getting KOOKY! Strap in for some takes on the Trump shooting folks! Plus we're reminiscing on the old days with Joe and Mark were first touring with Louie and the world was bright! Woo! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code TUESGAYS - Support the show and get 30% off your Helix mattress order, plus 2 free pillows. Head https://www.helixsleep.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Oh, hey! We're back! It's a wing! I just watched that this weekend. That's a fun film. Classic 1986 Hughes. I think I broke my thumb.

That's a hell of a picture. Let's see if I can flick my hat on my head like this. If you get it on there, I'll blow you. All right. Here we go. Oh, thank God. That was close. You took a trump to the head, a head shot.

My hat's gone. My wallet's gone. Well, this is a MAGA hat after that. Oh, there youshot. You almost got nicked. My hat's gone. My wallet's gone. Well, this is a MAGA hat after that. Oh, there you go. Yeah. This says, uh, make America great again. Oh, that kid loaded a magazine full of bullets.

Well, I was just saying, this might be controversial and I'm not condoning the act, of course. Sure. But if you're a school shootery psycho with a gun, I'd rather you shoot a guy than a school full of kids. Agreed, agreed. Less death. I mean, he killed one guy, which sucks. Horrible tragedy.

I feel bad the guy was saving his family, so rest in peace and all that. But he could have gone into a shopping mall and shot 48 people or to a casino or to a church or a school or whatever. So that's nice. I think you got something there. And if you're going to shoot a guy, it's weird he went with an old guy. The guy's already going to be dead soon. Right. You know, but you shoot a kid, you feel like you get a little more bang for your buck. I suppose so. I mean, this is- All right. I'm not condoning. I'm just saying if you're doing

the math, the shooting math. Yeah, you take... well that's interesting. If you're going to be a murderer, do you value years you're taking away? I would, yes. I suppose so. Shooter McGavin. Because yeah, you shoot a 20 year old. Yeah. You're taking away 55 years. You shoot a 78 year old. you're only taking away maybe And a 10 at the most exact the presidents tend to live a lot longer. They're the best health care They have money. That's that thing so tell that to Kennedy. I bet I bet Trump's got Nine years minimum he's 77 78 I think 78 He's 77. 78 I think. 78. That puts him at 87, but he eats a lot of McDonald's, he's overweight. That's true. He doesn't drink, which helps him. He never drank, right? He's one of those guys.

Never did drugs. And he's 6'3". Tall people die quick. Look at Wilt the Stilt. I think tall, tall people. I don't think 6'3", you're not knocking off early. I think like 7'8", 8'9", 11'4". You hear that, Matumbo? You're going down like Tower 7. Matumbo's been dead for six months. He's dead? Big time. No!

He's dead. That's a name. What is that called? A gif, a gif? A gif. God's gift to women. He's dead. Spud Webb's 106. Oh yeah, Dwayne Wade is cruising. A gift? A gift. God's gift to women. No, he's dead. Spud Webb's 106. Oh yeah, Dwayne Wade is cruising. Matumbo died. He got shot in the face at a pep rally.

Oh, crooks. You son of a bitch, you're busy. Boy, that crooks. What a real son of an onion that guy turned out to be, huh? It's 20 years old too. I mean, for the ladies out there, that guy can get things done. Well, I guess he missed, but... Well, he's done now. Well, when I was 20, I couldn't have set that up. I would have been like,

Oh, that roof's a little tall. Let's go to Wendy's. Yeah, no, it's no, but yeah, we kept thinking something's gotta happen at some point. Yeah. During the Obama administration, I was surprised. No one took a crack. The first Trump Biden again, it's been covered many times. Sure. sure. Shoot the guy. Well, not to get too queefy on you. Uh-oh, I just forgot what I was going to say. Oh no. Oh, fuck this pills.

They're back. They're ruining my memory. Back pills? No, I started taking those sleeping pills again and now I'm- Benadryl? No, that doesn't work. Take a Benadryl. Ah, push right through that like a fat kid at a buffet.

Take two Benadryls. Ah, that like a fat kid at a buffet take two better drills Yeah, it's a lot of your ass and one in your dick hole suppository book depository They called him I had something queefy was it was a Profound or gay or patriotic? I can't remember that's's for sure. Yeah. Lost and profound. Well, what did you say? What do you say when you see things? I said, uh, Biden, you don't need to shoot cause he's so old. And by the way, now political enemies of Biden, there's nothing

they want more than for him to live. That's right. You need them to live. Yes. Yes. Don't replace the great replacement theory. Here it is, I got it back. Hit me. Well, you think we're all so sophisticated. Everybody goes, hey, back in 63, those were animals. Those were different people. The world was in a crazy place. They didn't have internet. They didn't have a virtual reality.

They didn't have YouPorn. We're all the same. We get up, we shoot the president, we go back. It's like we're not that different. Well, in 68, everyone was going down. MLK, Bobby Kennedy. I'm sure somebody else got killed. Yeah, yeah.

Well, they tried to get Reagan. They got him in the lung. Malcolm X, they got JFK. They got Gandhi they killed. That's right. With something, a stick or a something. He could got a nice blow that guy right over. Oh yeah, got a knee to the face, temple.

Not gonna, not gonna, not gonna live anymore. Uh, wait, I just had something I was gonna say and now I forgot. I'm just saying, we haven't changed that. Human nature lives on. You know, you can't really take the goose out of the gander or the boy out of the park or whatever it is. Well here's the craziest thing, e s t crazy asked all that okay what's it's gonna be hard to top that but by the time they hear this

were a couple episodes ahead i think sure this is an already on the news cycle that's the greatest like you're thinking this is crazy assassination attempt bob bob but i was the only election cycle is so long. They talk about the October surprise. This won't even be on people's minds by November. Ain't that the truth? I mean, I'm already sick of hearing about it, because I'm a YouTube queef.

Every time I open YouTube, it's just shot in the ear, the gay ear, bloody face, looks like me on my period, whatever it is, and it's a million, it's the fist. How many times have you seen that fist photo? Oh, it's going to be a lot. I've got a statue being made in the foot of my front lawn. I got a fist photo at home, it's a little different. But yeah, I know, that's fist photos going down in history books, people getting tattoos, it's crazy.

Oh, that's not even a joke. I know, that's what's so funny. Oh yeah. These goofballs. But by the way, the best photo isn't even the one they're showing. Cause I'm a big photography homo. The one that's great is between the secret service legs. And he's like looking down, he's got blood on his face. It's like you see the shoes of the secret service.

It's in between the legs. Oh, I don't know if I caught that one. It's spectacular. Oh, really? Yeah. That one is wonderful. By the way, you know about Salacuse. We were blowing Salacuse a couple of weeks ago.

No, what'd he do? For spraying the, he handed him the gun. He handed the gun up to the roof so the guy could... No, I'm kidding. No, Salekus. He would. I saw Sal... If you asked him nice, he probably would.

Oh, yeah. I saw Salekus yesterday. He's a shooter. Oh, yeah, he shoots. Yeah, he's a shooter. I saw Salekus yesterday. We were shooting some promo for my Town Hall gift. Whoa, mama!

November 9th. That's lunch. Make Town Hall great again, folks. Historic venue. There you go. Bob Dylan played there and Pete Seeger and some other assholes. It's a 1400 seater. There's no way I'm filling it.

You got this. It's a beautiful room. You're going to have a hell of it to film that puppy Oh big time. So November 9th tickets are on sale now fucking get a ticket for God sakes fly in But anyways, I had to pursue shoot some promo So I was there with Salak use and he said I don't understand the shoe thing cuz Trump lost his shoes Mmm, is that right? And I was doing a bit. I thought was funny I was like, maybe it's all he'd kick him off before the speech. He gets out there as a little, you

know. That's fun. Yeah. A little fireside chat. It's comfy. That's what Bill Cosby used to do. So anyways, I see Salacuse, Trump fell out of his shoes. I didn't even notice that. Yeah. Well, he says the audio, he goes, let me get my shoes. Oh, wow. And Salacuse was like, I'm a little suspicious of the shoe stuff because the guy just almost got killed, his adrenaline's running, it's a crazy scene. Why is he mindfully like, let me get his shoes? And Salacuse was like, I suspect he wears lifts. Like Mickey.

Oh, interesting. Seinfeld, not Rocky. Yes, not Mouse. And I was like, that's a great conspiracy theory. I like it. And then two hours later, Salacuse sends me a tweet and it's a shot from behind, a video from behind and his lips still flying out. No, that guy has got his nose to the asshole. Wow. To the grind.

That's whatever the fuck. Wow. He's like a native American hearing a railroad pipe. Yeah. I bet he could make it rain if he tried hard enough. I could see that, not with money. But wow, good eye, Sally, because he's already 6'2", 6'3". Does he need the lift? You know, Biden's got to be 5'10", DeSantis is 4'8". But I don't know, I think he wants a little extra heightening.

And then, Sally, he's made the point, he's like, he can't leave shorter than when he got there. So he's on the ground. I mean, he's like, he's at death's Door, bullets a-wizzin' over his head, and he's like, I gotta find my lifts. How great would that be? Like, all right, we're gonna make it fight, everybody. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! He walks on the knees out of there. He's like Yoda. He had to get his lifts and his ubers. Hello, folks, we're having fun. We're back, the neighbors ate us. Woo-wee!

There we go, jet lift. Anyways, yeah, what a wild time. But yeah, that's got to be forgotten about. Six weeks from now, you won't even know about it. Well, a couple other things I want to mention. The slew thing on this is already, like you thought the Zabruta film was a whole whirlwind of like conspiracy and theories. This is like, you see this lady in the black hat?

She queefed right on December 3rd. And then this, how about the holster lady? She can't get the Melissa McCarthy gal, can't get the gun back in the holster. There's all kinds of stuff cooking. We told the Secret Service guy about it. He was up there, he didn't do shit. That guy's fired.

There's so much rigamarole around this. Immediately, John Moses, remember John Moses? John Moses. red hair, Canadian, tall, drunk. He's got the funny, very funny. He made me laugh harder than anything, anyone, anything, anywhere. I don't know if you can pull it up or pipe it in. It's not even good if you can't see the visual, but he goes, I'm not saying this is a conspiracy or it's fake. I'm not saying that. All I'm saying is this is Corey Feldman. And it was the lady, one of the ladies in Secret Service. You got to pull it up. Pull up John Moses. Cause everyone has been like,

that's Shane Gillis, that's Melissa McCarthy, but it looks so much like Corey Feldman. And he worded it so fucking funny. I was on the floor I could not stop laughing for like a half an hour. I'm not saying that I'm just saying that for sure is Corey Feldman That's good stuff John Moses comic John Moses or John Moses comic He's still doing it cuz he was something back in the day. I think he's from Toronto. I think I don't know where he's Mooc from Brooklyn. This is like a reel on his Instagram or something? It's just an Instagram post. A regular old classic meme-y post.

Mosaic. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, here we go, I got it. All right, just read how we read it. Turn that camera or that photo. Yeah, go get your nose in there. Get a little screenshot. Yeah, get in there.

And then read what he wrote. I'm not saying it was staged. I'm not saying that. what I am saying is that's It does look like it looks like Feldman you got to post that there chuckles. That's very good stuff So that man made me laugh Somebody else I saw another meme that said John toll, you know, John toll. He's another funny guy He said he had a little screenshot and it's had wage gap I saw that one does a guy laying for jumping a lady like six feet behind like a red arrow. Yeah, it's very funny See, that's what like well what the internet sucks reddits mean the comments are assholes

But we get a lot. We got a treasure trove of zingers. Yeah, this kind of shit. There's some fun stuff in there and I don't know but yeah, it's crazy times, scary, and hopefully no more. Because then you're worried that some guy on the other side is gonna be like, well, we'll show you, I'll show you how to assassinate. I know. It is a wacky time. Think about it, you're a maligne, Eel.

By, yeah. By a cunt hair. Yeah. You've had the challenger, You've had 9-11. You've had Katrina. You've had school shootings galore. You've had an opioid crisis, pandemic, a Trump assassination. I mean, where does it end?

You've seen race riots. You've seen. You're saying me. We're like eight months apart. What is going on here? I'm just saying, I've already done the math. So I'm going on you now. I got you.

But what a whirlwind. You know what I realized? Just quick side note. Please. I want to come back to that but I did this math after we parted ways. What are you Asian now? It's a lot of math over here. You and I are like a year and a half difference and we're having our children a year and a half apart.

Our children are gonna be the same exact age difference as us. We covered this last week. No we didn't. Yeah we did, because I went and told the wife after you said it. Because I was like, that's adorable. And I went and told her and she was like, that's so cute.

I don't think so. Well maybe, did we discuss this part? You're gonna have your baby at the exact age that I was 40 I'll be 41 me too. There you go. Wow That is wild. All right, so I guess we covered that but we didn't cover the same age thing No, I didn't I didn't know you were 41. Yes. We definitely covered the a year and a half apart We're a year and a half apart. That's cute. Really? Hey, gay. I'll blow you if you get your hat on your head. Oh, all right. Well, whatever.

And then we're moving downtown, baby. We're coming. Yeah, is it happening? We gotta be neighbors. Why? Ish, well you're moving away from me moving. Just a measly river between us. The river runs through it.

20 minutes. Oh, we're going lock, stock, and barrel. I talked to my therapist. I talked to Derek. I talked to Colin Quinn. I talked to Louis CK. They're all behind it. I'm so proud of you fatty This is huge. Talk to Salak used to and he's the one there's always gonna be one. He's like, that's too much money

That's stupid. Yeah, that's like come on. Everyone else is behind it, but you know Louie. He's one of these guys He's like it's good to pay more rent than you can afford and I'm like, is it? Yeah Yeah, I heard he's got some movies about him, but Alan was like, you deserve it, what are you doing? Live your life, you're used to shit. Yes, steam room, gym, Manhattan, pool? Pool, baby! Pool, I'm coming to that shuffleboard court! You're gonna be all over that pool, there's a kids room,

we can toss the kids in there, we can go to the deep end and make out. Get in there, fatty, you're gonna suck that thumb for three hours near this playground here I can't wait, but yes. Anyways, we've been through a lot the Berlin Wall came down in our life Stock market crash Berlin Wall is I think 89. Oh, that's right. Oh 89 Then we had the desert storm war with the Afghani war the other war as a ukraine still currently going yeah

a lot lot happening malaysia playing when i was a kid we'd study history i remember thinking like i know history happens anymore like where does no history going on yes all that history happened in the past but now we got history well the sixties had it all i mean they had a war with the vietnam they had a bunch of assassinations they had a war with the Vietnam, they had a bunch of assassinations, they had a ton of stuff, the protests, the riots, the hippie movement, free love, Woodstock, the moon landing. Civil rights. Civil rights, the water hose in the face with the German Shepherds and the whole thing and yes. Then the 70s was just like gas crisis and a few good movies. Yeah. And the 80s was, and then the 90s were rockin'.

Yeah, 90s ruled and 2000s drooled. It's crazy, I was watching Misery last night. Yeah, love the company. I'm trying to show the ladies some decent flicks. She's watching 13 going on 30 for the 50th time. So I'm like, let's put on Misery, because she likes a thriller. Okay.

She's loving it. I have a rule, no scrolling during the movie. You can text somebody, text you, text them back, whatever, get an email, but a scroll, it's a bridge to gay. No, you can't do it. I don't care for this texting frankly, but you know by guns be bisexual. Well the problem is that it's too alluring. She's like, oh yeah, I got the phone over here and I hear the she's like, it's like Gollum with the ring. and I hear the vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Well, when you think about it, it's only 25 years old. Right. That would be like having a 99, 99 Camry. Right. Is that insane? Now, I can't with all this stuff.

It's sorry. It's crazy. I was just saying something similar this morning. Sarah was saying something about something. I was saying, oh, yeah, that's kind of like something. Yeah, that'll do it. If you see something, say something. Yeah. I mean, well, the thing about the Kennedy assassination was 30 years when we were 11 and 30 years had passed. Yeah. Now that's it's like if the president, it's like if Clinton was assassinated the day force gum came out. Not that long ago. Yeah, true. We were there.

Coco Coco bananas. Yeah. So where you been? What do you know? What do you say? What are you eating? I don't know? What do you say? What are you eating? I don't have a ton of stuff, but this is the last thing that is bordering on political, because people are going to shit their pants and throw ice cream in our face. Unprecedented. Unprecedented. There's no precedent, baby.

You're doing my babies now. We almost lost the president. Hey, old former, then future. It's just a dunk now. It's not even close.. Just start accepting it put your feet up. It's over here We go. That's it Trump Trump to the sequel Well, I hope you're because you always talk about with Trump wins the the the bullshit's gonna bubble back up But I hope since we've done the bullshit Maybe it won't bubble and we kind of because before the bullshit was new the woke stuff the whatever it was new so we're

like whoa what's this we better get in line but now we've seen it bubble up so maybe we can be like now we're not doing that again right that's not bad I have a point by the way my dear friend I don't want to say this in any case this is too controversial he had a thought that I thought was gonna happen he thought vice-president Don Trump jr. Trump 2024. And that way your son, it's like kings. Like your son can be the thing. You know? Wow. You should retweet that. Didn't go that way. But this isn't really political, but it's something. This is an

interesting, it's political, I guess. So we know we've talked about this, people talk about this. I've talked about this all. this is one of my favorite talking points, is that conservative, the right wing just took patriotism. They own it now. I feel like that for years. They're the patriotic and the left hates America. You see an American flag, Fourth of July, God bless America, you know they're conservative. It used to be that way.

It was there for the taking because every left thing is like 9-11 wasn't that bad and Fuck the flag. Fuck America. This country's racist or whatever. Didn't used to be. I agree. But the other day I'm at a friend's house and I'm gonna say in Massachusetts because I don't want to get too specific here. I had a friend's house and he has an American flag on his wall like Ferris Bueller just up there an American flag on his wall like Ferris Bueller just up there and actually he might have the he might have the Yukon Jack flag now that I'm thinking about it. What's that? That's the British flag isn't that Yukon Jack? Yukon Jack that sounds American. Is that a wrestler? Cactus Jack? Yeah Yukon Jack in the box. Who's Yukon Cornelius? Yukon Potato. What do you call that British flag there? The Great Britain, not the

English flag, but the British flag. With the circles of the star? That's the Olympics. Oh, I'm thinking of the colonies, the 13 colonies. That's America. Yeah. Union Jack. Union Jack. Union, Yukon, close. Yukon Phillips. I'm thinking of Yukon Cornelius. Yeah, that's what I was just, I just said his name a moment ago. Yukon girl. It's all pipes, Jerry. I haven't slept since 1985. I woke up at 3 30. Yukon artist. But anyways, he's got the American flag on display and a young woman, friend of ours, walked in and she goes, is this a joke?

Oh boy. Now, isn't that crazy? That's how bad it is. That's how much the right has seized patriotism and the American flag that a young liberal lady looked at the American flag, pointed it and goes, Are you kidding? Yeah. But you live here, lady. And then because we've been joking about Trump. And he was like, what? I don't know.

I don't know. I got that. My father gave it to me. I it's America. And then she was like she was like oh okay but you're not really a Trump guy whoa the American flag equals Trump supporter how bad the left has fucked up so bad they've gone so far that like they're like don't display the American flag that's not gross no bueno I mean that is a bad scene. It was like a monumental moment in my life. Yes. That I'm like, this is where we're at. Also insane by the way to just go to be a guest at someone's home and be like I don't care for that. That too. That's insane. But also just the idea of being like, are you kidding with the American flag? But we're in America. We're in America. You live here. And you're thriving. You love it. You have a great life.

You got a flat screen and you Ubered here and you have a smartphone. What are you mad about? It was very odd. And, but I'm like, I want to get into that DNC and slap everyone around and be like, can I take over this operation please? Well, that's kind of what Bill Maher's harping

about this whole two years, you know, like, I'm the same. You guys went nuts. You can't even be around a flag. God hates them. Flag. You just want to be like, I'm the same. You guys went nuts. You can't even be around a flag. God hates them. Flag. You just want to be like, just start saying retard. Just being like, Trump's retarded.

So you just get a little cooler. You get a little cool factor. You don't seem so stuffy. She's a flag it. He's a, yeah, say hey, flag it. And, you know, start getting a little wacky out there. Exactly. No, it's bad.

How about this? You just made me realize the right is snabbed patriotism, as you say. The left, they did it with pride. The word pride used to mean it was a sin. Hey, pride. Hey, that guy's very proud. He's proud of where he is.

Now, pride is synonymous with gay. And proud boys. Oh, yeah. But they don't say pride. That's true. They say proud. Pride is a rainbow, and it's just all gay That just just 100% we all agree on that now, right? It's pride week pride month pride flag. It's all gay

Good point proud to be in america. Yeah proud is not gay but pride. Yes. Yes exactly. I have a lot of pride I'm gay Right, but if you're proud i'm proud of my son. Yeah. I guess he could be gay. Yeah. You never know. Well, you do know eventually. But I remember the, the old Gillis, the, and Matt McCusker, their old set was just a giant American flag, which now would be like, Whoa, these are some fucking alt right guys, but they're just American. It's a, it's wacky. They got to do some rebranding over there on the left. But anyways, this is too much politics.

Too much politics. But I think we piped in quite a few jokes in that. Oh, yeah. A lot of jokeroo's. Well, the problem is, I think a lot of people don't want to go hard right, but they want to go back to normal. Like, I don't want to go to Proud Boy country, January 6th, whatever, but I want to go to a place where the American flag isn't controversial. Right. You know, so you just want to go back, but you don't want to go to the bone.

All the way back. Yeah. Yeah. Some people want to go all the way back. Back to back. Home runs. Back to where though? There is nothing over there. You want to bring us to this place, it's empty. No good. No bueno. You got the black with the red. Are those Skankfest? Yeah! I love the Skankfest underwear. I'll be at the Skankfest. Sheath underwear is where it's at. You know it. You know it's all I wear. It's all he wears. It's all Louis wears. It's all cats wears. It's all dogs wears. It's all bikes. Everybody's wearing Sheath. If you're going to pee your pants laughing at a great joke,

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But alright, I've been to Europe and back. Oh, hit me with the Europe. Barcelona. Let me just say, did I talk about Protector Parks? I don't think so. Flew to Austin with Ari, did kill Tony It just Austin is great for four days. I think we did might have talked about this. We're on the same flight as Ari. Yes, we talked about that. You switched seats. You sat with each other. You talked the whole time. Yeah, that was a nightmare Yeah, that was nice. Austin is great for a few days. Yeah, you couldn't get stuck there No, we did protect our park and the last one was a little rough So this one we brought the heat We kept it three hours and change.

It wasn't some five and a half hour horse shit. No one puked, no one blacked out. No one whipped it out. I already peed on the floor, but that's, that's fine. That's a Tuesday. What does Joe do with that? Well, I think he gets a guy in there at a Guatemalan guy to steam it. That's no big deal. Yeah. It's a it's a pence to him. Mike Betts. Yeah. Pence. Yeah. Penance. What's the money one? Penance is like a religious thing. Yeah.

Penance. Three pence. Pence is change. That's change. OK. I think I think pencil and this pelt. Right utensil. OK. Number two. Beaver pelt. That's the most popular pelt okay number two beaver pelt that's the most popular pelt that's right never heard about a raccoon pelt no no no squirrel pelt yeah sort of a pellet gun mmm okay so yeah I'll repeat on the floor Shane Gillis you know chastised him Then we go do a set. We had a great time. We had steaks with Bobby V's in the back room, talked some shit, and got on a flight. Flew to Spain.

Spaniards. Oh wait! First flew, I think we did talk about this, flew to Seattle, did the Moor. Yes, we talked about that. Oh shit, I'm in repeats. Then we flew to Spokane. I don't remember talk about this. Flew to Seattle, did the more. Yes, we talked about that. Oh shit. I'm in repeats. Then we flew to Spokane. I don't remember Spokane. Oh, I had to go to Spokane the next day. Then go to Barcelona. Spokane to Barcelona. So let me guess you go from Spokane. What, what, what, when you tell me the airline, I'll tell you where you flew. It was Delta. Okay. So you flew from Spokane to either JFK or Salt Lake City. Let me take a moment to figure this out. I'm going to say Salt Lake City. I wish Salt Lake City to JFK, JFK to Barcelona. Not bad. It was a weird one. Somehow the things were not good.

It was a Sunday Spokane sucks with airlines. So it was Spokane to Minneapolis. Oh, that was the other option. Minneapolis to Atlanta. Oh! Atlanta to Barcelona. Wow! Yeah. So, I flew throughout the night, and I'm all wonky because you're drinking in Austin for nine years.

Then you go to Seattle, which is a different time zone. Then you fly to Spokane. Then you fly to Spokane, then you fly to Atlanta and you're like, whoa, I'm back on New York time, and then you fly overnight to Barcelona and you land at nine in the morning. Now I hope your wife flew directly from JFK to Barcelona. She did.

Okay. Yeah, I'm the psycho, but of course, we have to have the booking on the complete opposite side of the country when I need to go to the other side of the world. Does that do all we just work out that way? No, that's you. You did that. Well, she gave me the Barcelona dates and I was like, I gotta comply with these dates and they just happen to be with me and Spokane. Well, you guys could have communicated. I guess. Ah, geez. We don't do that.

We're married. I know. Well, what are you gonna do? But by the way, I feel like Costanza in the gonna do. But by the way, I feel like Costanza in the later episode with the bald guy, which is the guy from, you know, all the Christopher Guest movies. Yes. I forget his name. I forget his name too. I know you. But George goes, Liv! Liv!

That's you! And this, we had this last year, Sarah and I, you got a nine month bachelor party. You gotta go to Spain maybe hit Amsterdam and you go to Tampa and sure all the things Yeah, slip and slide strippers cocaine all of it because next year forget about it. Yeah lights out Over. Oh, I look at 330 this morning went back to bed at 4 woke up at 420 woke up at 530 woke up at 3.30 this morning, went back to bed at four, woke up at 4.20, woke up at 5.30, woke up at seven. I want to kick my balls and shove them in my asshole until I come. I think of, send me the video. I think when that baby comes, I'm going to long for a trip from Spokane to Barcelona

because you're just on there watching movies, jerking off, eating popcorn. Oh, you can't believe it. It really is. Oh, my manager's calling. I forgot to go and do not disturb. Fuck. It really is like a thing of that. Once you start traveling with that baby, it's like swinging with two bats. Now I'm flying to Atlanta this week. I can't wait. Oh, my shoes off like fucking Trump after an assassination attempt.

Who who who who whips down the street? Yeah, it's unbelievable. Wow. So anyways, live. So you lived it up. She met you. Did she get there first or after? She got there first because I had to go to the gay gig and then I land there and it sucks because you're like, one eye open, I got blood on my ear and I'm like, whoa, that was a 19 hour travel excursion with checking bags and connections and the whole thing. And then you finally get there, coach by the way, you finally get there and they're like, okay, I'll Uber to her house.

They all live together in a big condo on the beach, her whole family. It's a family affair. I'm eating over here. I mean, kids, wife, husband, brother, sister, mom, dad, in-laws, Jerry. That's appalling. That's not a bachelor party. No, no. You should have gone to Madrid or Happy Dredd.

Hello, folks. Mad and happy? Oh, I see. It's a mad, mad world. So get there at night, you high tail it over to their Airbnb and you're like, whoa, whoa. You look like a cartoon with a knot on the head and the twirlies. And then they're like, whoa, you made it.

We all just got up. We're going to the slip and slide. We're going to breakfast. We're going to the beach. We're going to the Church of Senegal. We're going to go do the whole thing. Get on board. And you go.

Oh, boy. Now, how many people are we talking realistically? Eight, 12, 20? Mom, dad, brother, his wife, sister, her hub, two kids. So that's six, seven, eight, me and the lady. 10? 10 people, including me. Nine times.

Okay, now is the sister hot? I think I asked this before. She's pretty. Yeah, you'd like to make love to her. The brother's good looking too. It's a good looking fam. I must have seen them at the wedding, I guess. asked this before. She's pretty. Yeah, you'd like to make love to her. The brother is good-looking too. It's a good-looking fam I must have seen them at the wedding. I guess They look ethnic it's weird. They're like Mayflower sandwich

Bean town, but they're like they look they're so tan. They look Puerto Rican That's not bad I call everything all May, all the bad stuff. Maybelline, maybe we'll break up. Maiden voyage. Mayflower, pretty good. Maybe I'll call that. Hey Mayflower.

That's a little intimate. We texted for about a half an hour. I heard, I didn't love it. She was naked when I came home. Well, it just went on and on. I couldn't get rid of the bitch. Well, she had the vibration right here. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm foaming at the mouth. Yeah, she can go. Well, she likes you a lot, so she doesn't want it to end.

Well, we're going to be best buds over there, because you're going to be on the road. I got the baby, so we'll do baby dates. My baby will be body slamming your baby. Bring it on. He needs to learn how hard life is. So, really head butt that fucker right in the noggin. You got the gender yet? No, I don't want to know we're doing a big big reveal. It's a lady I

know it. See she thinks guy. I don't know. Alright. That's what she told me. Okay well I don't see gender but. Okay so you're in Barcelona there's ten people they look foreign or something. Ethnic. Pro, too ethnic. So I just gotta say I'm on no sleep but I can rally. That is a great city Barcelona. The beach is clean, the sun goes down at 10pm at night. You can be in the beach at 8 o'clock sunny. Clean. No crime, no hobo, no fentanyl, the subways run on time, everything is nice, they hate tourists, that's a little appalling. Oh yeah, they were like squirt gunning people in the face. We just missed that.

What the hell is that? I don't know, they hate us. Matthew Crooks is out there with a super soaker, it was bad. Well at least you wouldn't get hit. That's true. I got a nick. You know, went willy. I got a nick. So yeah, the paella, the Gothic district, the tapas, the architecture that's so old, the markets outdoor, the churches are incredible, that's built on a mountain, the views, Jerry, great town.

God, I gotta get to Spain. I've never been to Spain. One of those European countries I haven't hit. And I always want to go to Mallorca, which is where Rafa Nadal is from. It's supposed to be spectacular. I want to go to mayor kya which is where raf and they dollars from subspecies i don't like a pilgrimage mayflower but i i gotta get out there and uh... is it the governor mayor cozy governor of mayor kya mayor kiss i don't know that is and they're a guy who doesn't turn to the border mayor kya that's that's uh... may when she's pregnant uh... nine months is a mayor kya and they will like that i like that lady get that eight-month nine-month sex That's that's May when she's pregnant. She's like nine months. She's a May orca. Hey

I like that. I like that lady get that eight month nine month sex As if they're full body spiritual orgasms plus the big fat belly and the fat tits Whoa, she told me it feels more intense downtown. Oh, they come fast. Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know about that But yeah, right now she'll be like That's such a game for me. I don't know. I don't want the squirting coming out. You might toss that kid across the room. I know you get hit in the face with a placenta. All right, I'll go full Gallagher. Get some get some duveteen. Who's Mayorkas? Mayorkas? Mayorkas. He's uh, give that a go. I think he's in the politics. His name is May?

May? No, no, that's his last name my orcas oh my orcas and that's unfamiliar he's always like oh the borders not that bad I don't know orcas borders books United States Secretary of Homeland Security thank you what's his name Alejandro Mayorkas thank you okay all right I'm back all right pills haven't gotten me yet So you want to go to Mayorkas and fuck Nadal? Absolutely. I love a good left hand at my ass. Forty love.

So, uh, all right. So you're in Madrid, Barcelona. I keep thinking Madrid. Well, wait, we're talking to it. Can we talk best of all time? Are we still going? Cause Joker lost. You see that?

Jokovic. Of course I saw it. Yeah. I watched it on a plane. It was brutal. I almost texted you. Two years in a row. Well, I'm an Alcar texted you. Two years in a row. Well I'm an Alcaraz guy. I'm Alcaraz over, I'm an Alcaraz freak. I mean I thanked him in my special.

I love it. Wow. But the other guy beat Joker too. Which guy? Two guys beat him, I forgot his name. Not in the same tournament. Italian. An ITAL, a Dago, a WAP, a Guinea.

No, he didn't beat him. I think he did. He would have been eliminated if he lost. No. No, Joker could beat him. Oh, it must have they were been eliminated if he lost. Yeah, no Joe could be beat him Oh must been close. Moose Moose already. That's it. Yeah. No, he smoked him. He went with them. You sure He was in the final. All right. Yeah, I killed him I thought it was like six six six six six six six and then that's the devil my uh, my flight landed No, he killed him, but then Alcaraz wiped the floor with old Djokovic.

Wow. Slapped him around. Is he getting old, huh? He's 37, he's out. Old Kivik. Yikes. Novaks. Yeah.

Novaks. Yeah. I've never heard that. Somebody's gotta have that. I'm sure. That's really fun. Oh, it's right there. It sure is.

All right. But yeah, okay. So yeah, we'll get you out to Spain and your kid will be old soon. You can travel. Oh yeah, we've been traveling all over. Now it's getting a little tricky though because he wants to grab the stuff and climb the stuff. It's a whole thing, sleep regression. I want to know how I'm dying.

Yeah, I hear you. Very sleepy. But so anything else happen out there? Any hot, spicy femeninas or small beach? The women are beautiful. There's no fat people. It's crazy. I know. Europe. Their food is better, Jerry. I eat bread here, I want to kill myself. I eat bread over there, I go gay. Well, Cantor was just in London too. He said the same thing. He's like, it's clean, it's nice, there was no crime, no one was whatever.

You got like some soccer hooligans or whatever but that's it well it's weird that our food over there is illegal what we do our food is illegal in Europe isn't that mind-bending I'm with the girl America sucks I gotta burn the flag well also I just learned this recently that us in New Zealand maybe we talked about this before the only two countries that can advertise medicine pharmaceutical yes we're all wonky out there well it pays for everything you know it's what do you call that uh Johnson & Johnson big pharma ah the big farm they pay for the CNN's and the FSN's and the Foxy ends and the whole comedians small farmers out I got a small pharma pharmacy in my neighborhood I

love it really bonus drugs pharmacy okay and they're nice of that like friends the guy I go over there I bring the baby in they love it it's nice it's like the shelves are a little quieter it's like it's like an old-school thing like an apothecary yes exactly it's quite nice okay well there you go so yeah it was just a great trip drink it all all day, sightseeing. We did the jump off, jump on bus. I've never done that. I never did it either, but the brother's wife was like, because look, there's a couple kids

there, so you can't really do much. You do the beach, you're like, we gotta go back, we gotta get the kids back, we gotta put them down, we gotta kill them, we gotta breastfeed, we gotta blow them, whatever. So you kinda end up going back with them. But I'm like, I wanna see the city, I'm living, I got a kid on the way, I gotta live, damn it. So the girl goes, the wife's friend, the husband's friend, wife, she goes, I'm doing the jump on, jump off, because it'll only take a day and I'll see everything. And I said, I'm going with you. And it was the best thing I ever did. That's nice. Well, you see those things, it's funny because I've had this thought in New York. I live here obviously for many years

and all these other cities I go to a thousand times whatever Seattle, Austin, Boston, all these towns that you spend all this time in. So you know the town but you're like I've never gone in a New York like LA. I think about this. I would like to go on a tour of the stars. Yeah. Bus and you drive around, oh, there's Al Pacino's asshole. There's, you know, Kurt Gowdy's dick. There's Ellen DeGeneres' bra. So yeah, it seems nice. It's nice, and you don't have to worry about Uber.

You get on, they take you to the destination. You get off, you see it, you come back to the bus stop. Another one picks you up in two minutes. You get back on, and you get a headphone in, they tell you this, so you're passing by the brothel. That's where John F. Kennedy blew a little boy or whatever. You're like, hey, all right, I'm getting all this news. And then you get to get out and see it. You never have to Uber, you never have to think about it.

You just get on, get off. Yeah, that's pretty good. I like my wife. This is what I'm worried about moving downtown is is I can't go on as many trips, because that rent is going to triple. Yeah, I think it'll rejuvenate you. You'll have all this new life and you'll be energetic and you'll be selling tickets and you'll be making more money.

Reju, Town Hall, November 9th, for God's sakes, you got to come out. What a beautiful hall and theater. Beautiful. A hell of a venue. Oh, it's scary. These big venues are scary. I said I'm like, I'm nervous I'm not gonna sell them. They all go like this.

Yeah, you'll sell. They all do that. And they're like this. Okay, but what if I don't? Yeah, well, it's one show and it's a festival. Yes. Well, that's what Louis said. He's like, the festival sells tickets.

It does. And also, Town Hall is a venue. People just go to town hall. They go. They put on a shirt and go, we're going down to town hall to watch the young man do jokes. And then I'm up there going, I eat my wife's ass on Wednesdays. And they're like, Oh, we got to get out of here. That's about right. I saw Louis there at Oh nine. Wow. I paid a full hard ticket as they say. Did you not open for, I was having this debate with Salacuse, didn't you open for Louis at Town Hall like in like 2015? Yes.

Last minute, at Town Hall? I was at the Village Underground, Louis was there, it was Louis Louis, you know, he was the height. And he goes, ah, you got 20 bucks? I gotta tip this guy, and I go, yeah. It was the blast 20 I had, I gave it to him. He runs out, I go, all right, well, at least I got to talk to Louis, 20 go, yeah. It was the last 20 I had, I gave it to him. He runs out, I go, all right, well, at least I got to talk to Louie, 20 bucks,

what do you gotta do? He runs in 10 minutes later, goes, oh shit, I didn't thank you. Appreciate the 20 and you want to open for me at town hall? And I was like, ah, that's 20 bucks I ever spent. I remember that, okay, so I was right. Yes. 2015, probably.

2015, I went on, then Marin, and then Louis. Crazy, crazy, how much has changed? That's crazy to think about. And then he started using you on the road, and then eventually I jumped on with you. Wow, boy, that was a fun time. When you got on that tour, I mean, that was, the fun never stopped.

I mean, that was great. Throwing the orange. Oh the DC tour. We went to Georgetown. We talked by the way about snipers. That's right. In the Hay Adams. Yes we were literally like what couldn't a guy get a gun in a window. We literally sat in the hotel at the Hay Adams which is where election ends. One of the great films of all time. Masterpiece. We were like what if you could shoot a guy? Couldn't they shoot you right here? We had this whole conversation. We smoked cigars, we walked around, we went to Austin together with Morgan Murphy, both redheads. I remember we walked around there. What did we do there? We went to the gym, I think.

Yeah, we got the queso at Magnolia. Oh yeah, we went to Magnolia. Sarah was there. Sarah was there. Or Prinsting. Sarah was there. Yup, Sarah was with us. You, me, Morgan, Louis, and Sarah went to Magnolia. Oh yes, we went to Magnolia. Sarah was there. Sarah was there. Yep, Sarah was with us. It was you, me, Morgan, Louis, and Sarah. Went to Magnolia. That was great. What a time. Yeah, we did the Netflix special at the Daughters of the American Revolution. We stayed at the Four Seasons in Austin. Oh yeah. The Bats. The Bell Three. And the private jet. We had the famous incident. We did the open mic. Remember at the big hunt, Chris Allen held

the floor for us and then we showed up and ran in. That's right, but Louis didn't come to that. He did. He did come to that. And remember it was all over the paper to go, you see I just did a 5,000 Z venue and this is in the paper. Right. And that was a big eye opener. He's like, that's the press for you. Pre-cancellation. What other dates did you do? Sam did a few dates too. Did he? Charleston, South Carolina. Oh, I didn't know that. Mackie did a couple. Mackie did a lot. Lynn Coplitz, Greer Barnes.

Mackie did a ton of them because for a while it was just me, Michelle, me, Rachel and Mackie did Europe together. Oh, wow. That was wild. I remember you in Vienna. We went to Vienna. We went everywhere. We went to Israel, all the places. Yeah, wow, you had the Dead Sea. Yes, it burned my pee hole.

We went in the middle of the night. It was like one o'clock in the morning. The guy got totally naked. How weird is that to think about too? That's very European, European slash Asia, I guess. Middle East, like this guy that we met in Israel was like, you gotta go to the Dead Sea. It's a once in a lifetime. If you come to Israel, you don't go to the Dead Sea. It's a once in a lifetime.

If you come to Israel, you don't go to the Dead Sea, you're out of your mind, I'll take you. And then we get there, it's me, Rachel, and Mackie, and he's like, the best way to go is go in naked. That's the most spiritual way. He just takes his dick and balls right out. Wow. Which is crazy.

Crazy. Like, you know Rachel for 15 minutes. Yeah. Dick out. And he's like, you should take your pussy out. Wow. They move quick over there in Israel. Yeah. And Israel. Yeah, I'll keep my underwear on and You Gaza stripped. Yeah, there you go. Wow, but it's it's funny cuz that was

2015 or 14 or 16 whatever that was It seems so quaint then he wasn't canceled. You're in Israel hanging out. There's no bombing Yeah, well Mackie. But yeah, I know, it's just crazy that seemed quaint then. Then you cut to now, it's like Louisa in hell, Gaza, Trump shot, who knows what's going on. It was unbelievable. I'll tell you one of the great moments

in the history of my whole life was being on the jet, we were heading to Detroit to do the Joe Louis Arena, one of the last gigs ever at Joe Louis Arena, legendary arena. We're on the plane, Louis pulls me in the back, he goes, can you come back here for a second? On the plane, I go back, I'm nervous, and he's like, how would you feel about doing

all the European dates? And it was like a week out, because he does everything last week, he's crazy. And I was like Paris Jerusalem London what's the one with the festival in Scott Edinburgh Romania Bulgaria Wow Czech Republic were you married then no okay no because he was like I will be at your wedding and then he didn't come Ah sounds like Lou I think I canceled just two months later No, I would be like it'd be all over that thing good point. I can get him to do a set at this point for a hundred bucks

He's wide open, but uh, yeah, that was amazing and that was like I'm going to your I remember calling everyone Oh my god, nobody gave a shit, but it was quite a thrill. Very exciting. What a life! And now he opens for me. Yeah, tables have turned. Walkie-doo. Let me see if I have anything over here. Yeah, what do you got there, fattie?

I'm hogging. Oh, boy, did you miss a hell of a time out of that Rannazizzi ranch. We missed you, buddy boy. Ari told me it took six hours to get out there He only had two minutes of fun and he got fucked if my car didn't show up. It would have been a sad situation I'll tell you that well that pool looked pretty lunch beautiful pool. I mean ran as easy as got a spread out there really Yeah, he's got a big in ground pool that you can get married there

It's got like a gazebo and a porch and a deck and a fucking Ferris wheel. Wow. I made it to the part about the Ferris wheel. Uh, he's right on the water. It's unbelievable. But yet long Island folks, that Island is long. Oh yeah. How long is it? This motherfucker is long. Long Island. So long. I drove for two hours. I still wasn't at the party. That's long. It's crazy. It took us two hours. I still wasn't at the party. Damn, that's long. It's crazy, it took us two hours. So we had a great time, we missed ya. Ari, that pimple. That's quite a zit on that hawker.

He never leaves on time. And I've been on vacation with Ari, I've traveled with him, we've been to Ecuador. He's one of these guys, God bless him. He gets to a location, I don't know how you travel, but he'll open his suitcase and just be like, okay, the bras over there, the underwear over there, the soup cans over there. It's just a fucking mess. And he takes forever to leave. So he didn't leave till two. He got fucking pulled over

traffic, this thing. He gets out there. I have a fucking eight month old baby. He gets there at like five o'clock. We have to leave in 11 minutes. Exactly. And we all got there at like 1 30, but it was me, Sagalow, Feehan, Sarah, and the baby in our car. And we had a million laughs with trash and everybody's zing and zang and who would you fuck? Who would you blow? Who would you eat out? And my answers were awkward, but it was a great time. We get out there. You're like Sagalow, Sagalow. We sit in traffic, we get out there. He's going to spread, but it was awkward because a column Tyrell came, but he hit traffic or left later. He had to do something, whatever. Feeny came, but he came much later. And then you bailed, verzi bailed, Bobby didn't come. So we got there. It's just ran as easy as just sitting there like

looking at tick-tock. He's got the inflatable balloon, the big cake, the grubs, everything. And so I felt like that because he doesn't, he's never met sagalow. I don't think he's ever seen fee hand Sarah. He thinks as a waitress, the seller, right? Maybe he doesn't know. So I had to bring the heat. I came out with a fucking party hat and a bunch of book full of puns and jokes. Hell yeah. But no, it was great. Louis came. He was out on long Island. Anyway, so he came by free time. I already finally came, but we had cigars and ribs and he did a spread. I heard the food was next level ribs and the other shit. I get it all confused. Brisket rib, something else. Well, one's got a rib in it. Yeah, well, whatever. So that was fun. Swam in the pool, goofed around.

And boy, do we yuck it up. Ari got there two hours late. That part was a bummer. He's got a batting cage. We were hitting the batting cage. What? He's got it all. We brought our gloves. He's got cornhole. What does he got? Three kids? Two kids. Two kids. Two boys. And that was great. It was just a fucking blast. I love that late sun coming down. Oh yeah. And then it was awkward too, because Sarah and Fian had spots where we're in traffic back

and I had to just drop, literally Fian at the side of the highway. She's like, I gotta get in the lift. I'm like, I gotta get my baby home. We had like a little bit of a spatch. She's like, I got an 830 spot. And I'm like, I got an eight month old baby. Whoa. So I just pulled over the side of the highway and I was like you can get a lift here so she had to get out

at Jackson Heights and just go to fucking and she had 1% battery. She's one of these phone assholes where the phone is dying. My wife's like that it's always at 1% and I'm like you're home now charge. Well that's what I said I'm like well I guess we'll wait for you to get picked up she's like no go you gotta get your baby home I'm like, well, what are you gonna do if your phone dies and you're just out in the middle of fucking st John's University, it's all phone now cuz you know what you can't get a cab anymore You if you're on the highway, you got to get a lift But you just got it you have to have a phone or you're fucked. I gotta tell you women

This is broad strokes. No pun intended Broad strokes. That's like a hand job. Broad strokes. Hey, I like that. So... Tweet it. They're so bad with phones. I know like six women.

Sarah's better. But I know a bunch of women that are always like, I don't have a charger. I'm at 2%. Can I plug in? And I'm like, how are you getting home? I know. My lady's the same way. I think they rely on a guy to help.

I don't fucking know I remember being in Europe with a lady and she would What are being like? I think we talked with me. We're being like Bulgaria and she's like now my phone's dead and I'm like We're in Bulgaria. Like I don't even know how to get to one place. I know you're barely allowed here You need that device, but anyways, that was a great time hell of a time. This is a this is a gay story i don't have that many great stories life is going too well i'm like ah we want a vacation it was nice it was sweet don't don't you hate when it's going well because you're like here it comes something bad's gonna happen that's all i think nah i got rid of that years ago

all right it's all wonderful oh god but so i mean something bad will happen you just adjust you work with it. I mean, the president almost had his head shot off. And we're fine. He's golfing. Yeah, he's OK. Not one guy died. Yeah, that guy.

That sucks. Didn't work out great for him. That two guys died. The other one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the one that was trying to shoot people in the face. He got killed. Yeah.

That's nice. 10-inch penis. It almost balances. Yeah. This psycho's out. We got him out of the way. That's my idea for migrants. You we take a migrant. A little nervous.

Hold on. Hold on. We take a migrant and you take a homeless. So, hey, Venezuela, you want to give us some. You want a migrant to come over here. You got to take one of our homeless. He migrates to Venezuela. Yes. Yeah. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Okay That's an idea that way we're even again now. We haven't gone up people are down population around the same

Yeah, there you go. Not bad cleanse the ecosystem. We'll get a able-bodied worker. You take a cracked out Heroin addict. Alright, hey. There we go. I'm here. Keep going. I'm here for it. I'm running for office. Now this is just a cute story, whatever. So I was up in Boothbay Harbor, as you know I spend a lot of time up there. John Wilkes Boothbay. We go up there and there's a, called Ocean Point, it's spectacular, it's down in the ocean, it's just the most beautiful place, the most special place in the world.

Every morning, Sarah and I are running, and we go around the point. Now my uncle has a house up there, my other uncle has a house, Uncle Bale. This is Maine? Uncle Brian in Maine. Okay. And then my cousin Jamie has a house.

We got three houses up there, the family. It's like we're a, what's that called, dynasty up there. Ah! But me and my parents, my wing of the family, we can't afford a goddamn house up there. So we'd rent. So every year you end up with a different house.

Which is annoying but kind of fun. Because you're like, oh this year's house was good for this reason, last year's was great for that reason. Little variety. So last year we were down at Ocean Point, it was beautiful wraparound porch, and the road race, the 5K, it ends right in front of our house.

Oh, you get to wave. Oh, I ran, so that was an ironic. And I ran. So this year we couldn't run because we were there a week early, it's a whole big rigamarole. So Sarah and I just ran the 5k course on our own. Okay. For fun, every day. Beautiful, you run around the point, it's spectacular, you can't believe how beautiful

it is up there. So k is a mile. Kilometer around the point, it's spectacular. You can't believe how beautiful it is up there. So, K is a mile. Kilometer. Ah, that makes more sense. So a 5K is 3.1 miles. So kilometer is less than a mile. Got it. So how come K is also a thousand? Because it's kilometers or... Kilo.

Just because of K. Yeah. KKK. Yeah, that's no good. Yeah. Then there's jerks. If you ask me. And I think it's kills too. Like you know, you put a six K on your bomber jet, you had six kills. Oh, I think so. That's where we get okay. I heard zero kills. Right. I heard that. But then I never know if those are true. I think I got debunked. Yeah, everything's debunked. Yeah. Well, anyways, so we run the race.

And now last year, remember, the race ended right in front of our house on the porch. So this year, I run my 5K and I finish, whoo, 3.1. Good time, negative splits, like a million bucks. I'm pouring sweat. It's 1,000 degrees. And I'm a little worse for weary, whatever that means. Finished the run and there's an old couple out of the porch. That's what you do in Maine.

You sit on the porch and you read the guy had the oxygen mask. Oh wow. Yes. The rest, not the mass, but the, uh, the tubes, the tubes, Joey, look at the tubes. Ladies reading a book. I finished my run. Everyone's friendly there. Up in Maine, everyone just says, hello. You leave the keys in the car. And I go, woo, great house. And they go, Oh, thank you. And I go, we had this house last 4th of July. We missed it. This year we're up the road a piece and we miss being here. You guys are lucky, but you beat us to it. And the guy goes, Oh, you rented this house last year. I go, Oh yeah. And we wish we had this year. You guys were too quick on the draw. You beat us. And the guy goes, oh, you rented this house last year? I go, oh yeah. And we wish we had it this year. You guys were too quick on the draw. You beat us.

And the lady goes, this house? Oh yeah, big house. We had movie night every night up top and that view is unbelievable. But you beat us this year. We're gonna try to beat you next year. I want this house back, I'll tell you that. And the guy goes, okay, so you rented this house, huh?

And I go, oh yeah, big time, a family stays this year, we're up the road apiece, and God bless ya. And he goes, so how did you, you rented the house, how would you use, Verbo, Airbnb? And I go, yeah, Verbo, big Verbo. And he goes, what'd you pay for this house here? And I go, this is getting weird, I don't like this, I don't know what's going on here.

I don't like it, what the hell's Verbo? And I go, Verbo, that's what I use. I don't know Verbo. Verbo's better than Airbnb. Oh, I've never heard is getting weird. I don't, I don't like this. I don't know what's going on here. I don't like it. What the hell's Verbo? And I go, Verbo. That's what I use. I don't know. Verbo. Verbo is better than Airbnb. Oh, I never heard of Verbo. Verbo is, really? Verbo used to be home away, which was like very popular. And then they changed their name to kind of be like, you know, new.

So it's, you've probably used it before. It was very popular. Home away is sexual. Yeah, I don't know. Home away. That seems like a anti-gay. I didn't know. Home away from me. I didn away from home away either, but a Burbo. But anyway, so it goes back and forth and you know that feeling when you're like, something's in the air, something's going on. I don't know what this guy's deal is. If he's, he's like Joe Kennedy or something. He's all tripled out. At least you can take them. And I'm going

on and on about how great the house is. And I do one of these. I'm like, yeah, well, whatever. I'm sorry to bother you. I'm just waiting for my wife to finish. You know, I'm always, my wife's always chasing me and I do this. I look, there's the house we rented last year. One house up. Oh, and I go, you know what? Actually it was a, that house. I'm an asshole. And she goes, yeah, we were wondering cause we've owned this house for 78 years. We've never left. We didn't see you here And I just like a fucking retard and this is how nice they are in Maine because back down here They would have been like you know been in this house. I would have shot you you piece of shit

Yeah, true, but they just entertain they must have thought I was a complete insane person You're right imagine you and your wife were sitting on your house Reading books and doing puzzles and blowing each other and a fucking sweaty ass nerd with bad teeth and a forehead and herpes Just goes I lived here for a week last year, right? Like a jackass. Yeah or squatter. Yeah, and then the next day I ran the race again. They were out there again Hmm, and I went boy. It's a beautiful house Well now your friends see it doesn't have to be that difficult, we don't have to be combative with everything.

Well, Maine is just the greatest place on Earth. I'm moving to Kennybunkport. I'm moving to Battery Park City and Kennybunkport at the same time. Okay, that's a lot of moolah. Yep, it sure is. Wow, well there you go. Now, 5K, that's a hefty one.

Yeah, it's nice. I can move still. There you go, that's good. I'm very proud of myself. I can still fly, it feels good. Well, I was a little high the other night. When I get high, I just go in on myself. I hate everything. I'm a horrible person. I had a real feeling. You ever had this where you go, boy, I've lost my edge. You ever have that? You know, we used to get drunk. We used to climb mountains. We used

to kick people in the face. And remember we go in like a diner and turn the power off or stuff like that. We'd walk on cars. We'd steal drinks. Well, you're mature. Yeah, I guess so. Child coming. Yeah. I don't know. I guess I just, uh, I miss those days. What'd you do? You run, huh? You went for a run. What do you mean? Oh, I bet you made it seem like you ran. Well, you said you went well. 5K, that's a long time. The other day I got high. I thought you were going to be like, so I went for a run like Forrest Gump.

Well, you were saying you still got it. I'm 41. I can still run. I still fast. But then I thought, do I still have it edgewise? I see. I see. Well.

You know what I think? I figured now we get it out verbally Before we used to cut up cause Calamities all over town and now we kind of say horrible things into microphones and go on stage and talk about our assholes Well, here's the thing now when you have the child then you really lose the edge because now I want to cancel everything Wiped I got Irish coming over today to watch the All-Star game and have a cigar. You want me to come by, but you probably have nine spots.

I got a few. But I'm like, I wake up at 3.30 in the morning. I'm like, I want to tell them to not come. Right. I got to go to bed. Yeah. And then the other day I was doing MMA. I had to call Diego and be like, I'm wiped away,

put away, wet. I can't. And so then of course the next morning I had to go take a workout class because I'm like, you piece of away, put away, wet. I can't. Really? And so then, of course, the next morning, I had to go take a workout class, because I'm like, you piece of shit. You're fucking homo. Yeah. You're a piece.

And now I'm taking an aerobics class instead of a fucking killer guy class. But you wake up at 4 in the morning, and you're like, it comes time for 4 PM. And you're like, I can't go do that. Yeah. How about that? Yeah, it's something.

Oh, boy. I got to live. Maybe I'll set up some trips. Get some trips going. I got a trip. Some gotta live. Maybe I'll set up some trips get some trips going I got a trip some trips going and I got a bunch of gigs I'm gonna try to make a ton of money before I can yeah And I think Kings of Leon are playing at the Forest Hills. I'm gonna try to go to that Oh, she's may was telling Sarah world's a colliding you coming. I don't think so. Okay, but I love the stadium

great stadium bring the kiddo. We got Foo Fighters and Pretenders tomorrow. And I'm like, maybe we'll sell them and go to the movies and stuff. That's what life is like with a child. Plus we got a sitter. Well, it's nice. Yeah, but it's Garen. We're not paying her, which is pretty nice.

But you're like, one of those things you're like, we can't come home at one o'clock in the morning. Sure. Sit her. She needs a spitter. Yeah. Is she like to know more about that? Well, let's get some stuff. Okay, please. We got to wrap it up. But for God's sakes, join the Patreon. We're men with children, Jerry. You got that right. And it's humming, baby. We got all we're doing two bonuses today. We got Q and anal. We got chopping it up. We got extra extra apps. Basically, we got old stuff. We got live stuff. It's all pipes extra MSG Yeah, get on the patreon. We did the video the behind-the-scenes stuff is killer and

Yeah, come on out town hall, that's the big what when does this come out July 29th, I got some time Yeah, I owe I'm in Milwaukee this weekend. Milwaukee Improv. Jesus, time is going by fast. It flies. What do they say? The days are long, the years are short. Yes, Milwaukee Improv, August 2nd and 3rd this weekend.

I have side splitters coming up in just a couple weeks. I think it's August 22nd to the 24th. Luke Moniz is coming. He's never been to the side splitters. Oh, I got helium Philly in October. Those tickets will sell out. That's one of my big markets. So that'll sell. So get them early, get them often. And November 9th is the big one. Tickets are on sale now. New York Comedy Festival, Town Hall,

travel for that fucking thing. Come in from Jersey, Connecticut, Long Island, everywhere you can come from. I got to sell a 1400. We've never done a big play in New York. So this is a big deal. Well, that's a good sign. That means this is the one. All right. I hope so. I think so. But, uh, come up with that. Please join the Patreon. It really helps me out, helps Mark out. Oh yeah. And you're in for a treat. Richmond, Virginia, Greensboro, North Carolina, Anaheim, California, Thousand Oaks, California, Redding, Pennsylvania, Colorado Springs,

Fort Collins, to name a few. South Dakota, some Iowa, we'd love to have you. MarkNormanComedy.com, follow us on Punch Up, Kill Yourself, get some Bodega Cat, Whatta Ya Got, CNote. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. I just did a podcast tour of like 12 podcasts. So I was on Scott Higgins' podcast, Behind the Funny.

I think you know Scott Higgins. Yeah. Yeah, I was on his podcast. I was on Stoner Dad with Brian Bowden. I think you know him too. I know Bowden, yes. I just saw Bowden recently. Oh, he's great.

A couple of Boston podcasts, South Shore Boys, and Dinner at Your Place with Danny Killia. And coming soon on Fun Bearable, Chris Parnell is coming on. Whoa! We did a live event this weekend with Chris. It was super intimidating to be on stage with him. But we did a- Oh, yeah.

I find him talentless. No. Parnell? SNL. I mean, an SNL sign film. Well, I did a- That's right. Anchorman, yeah, Anchorman. A Rick and Morty panel at this Comic Con that we filmed for our podcast.

So it was him and the new voice of Morty. Great guy, Harry Belden. But yeah, check it out, funbearablepod.com has all those appearances plus like ten more that I just did. So all that stuff will be up soon. Get on there and yeah, Patreon, tell a friend, spread the word, leave a comment. Thanks for being here.