Tuesdays with Stories! - #565 Beauty Mark Normand

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

Hot dermatologists! Youngblood is stranded!! Longlegs! The airlines are down! It's Tuesdays! Come see Tuesdays LIVE on Tuesday, 8/13/24 at New York Comedy Club! TIX: https://newyorkcomedyclub.com/events/tuesdays-with-stories-live-2024-08-13213000  Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show & get up to 40% off everything at https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com  - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays and get on your way to being your best self.

Hey, hey folks, big announcement. Live Tuesdays at New York Comedy Club on 78th Street. Gonna be a hot show. We'll get some guests in there. That puppy's gonna sell. Yeah, brand new New York Comedy Club, formerly Stand Up New York. It's bigger, it's better, it's not bigger. It's the same size, I believe. I haven't seen it. I can't wait to see it. We'll see you there Tuesday, August 13th. Get those tickets fast. It's a small room and that's where the podcast started by the way. Oh yeah. In that room, the original room. Good point. We're coming home baby. Yeah. So get those tickets now. Snatch them up before it's too late.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush.

Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me.

And I can't tell you what's going on. Ah! I guess we're starting. Here it is folks. We're back, we're early, we're queefing, we're quaffing. Woop woop woop woop! How the hell are you, Fetty? I'm okay. I just came straight from the old dermatologist. Oh, the derm.

Where do you hear this from? Well, first of all, hottest woman on the planet, so I hope my warts never die. Wait a minute, you got a hot dentist, a hot derm, and a hot dead. Well, the derm's been hot forever. That's what I'm telling you about. But I do have a hot dentist now, but she's always masked. The dentist's got to wear the mask. But I do have a hot dentist now, but she's always masked. The dentist gotta wear the mask. She's got hot eyeballs.

Okay. And a delicate touch and everything. So I think she's hot, but a lot can be, and this is coming from me, of course, a lot can be said of the nose and mouth. She could have fucking list teeth. Yeah, yeah, no chin, list teeth, big forehead, who knows? Well, the forehead is primo, the eyeballs are delicate and lovely, but that mask,

I've had it happen where I'm like this woman's hot and they pull that mask down and yikes. I've seen it. Yeah, there was a gal in AC. I was working with Doug and she was running the show and she was, it was pre-peak COVID, hot lady, great boobs, the whole thing. And she took that mask off and it was dog face. Yeah, it's trouble. Woof! Woof!

But my dermatologist is the hottest woman on the planet, as you know. But I went there today to get more blasties. These things, they last, they linger. Uh-huh. And it's deep. It's like a fucking shark tooth. It's six inches deep and you cut it off and it just comes right back Wow what is that is it calcium what is that building up it's not calcium it's a wart it's HPV HPV oh really it's all H pavoloma vagina connected it's a lot of leg to dick that's a lot of coverage

well I think it's a different PV there's like 300 HPVs ah there's the cancer HPV there's the dick HPV there's the lip HPV and evidently there's the foot HPV yeah which is a deep HPV you ever had the cold sore on the lip? I've never had that. Me neither. No I got herpes on my dicks, but not I have multiple dicks but this foot so I go there today to get it extra blasted and new wart Subtract warts and she's adding warts. So I got triple Chirogenic fucking I'm all I'm bleeding it

Wharton University, it's horrible. Damn it, that sucks. Now you got a whole new thing, but she's probably like, yes, cha-ching, I'm back in business, we got a newbie. Well, cha-ching is her assistant, so she did say that. Aw, hello. I think she's happy to have me back, but I'm happy to see her because it's a hot woman I get to talk to once a month, so that's fun.

I don't get to talk to a lot of hot women other than my wife and my side pieces. Well, she could have a mustache if we're being honest. If you haven't seen that no mask, she could have full on, she could have a wart on her chin. No, the dentist is the mask. Oh, I see, I see. The derm is the beauty. I keep telling you, I've been telling you for years to go to this derm.

You gotta go to the derm. You got all kinds of spots. Oh, I got spots, I got moles, I got blemishes, I got n nicks and I got zits. Yeah, I don't know what the hell that thing is Spots well you got this fucking thing is that the beauty mark? I don't know what any of that is the all-time euphemism by the way you got a big ol brown Pizza mole on your face you got some beauty mark your beauty mark pizza mole on your face and you go, it's a beauty mark. You're a beauty mark. Ah!

Beauty mark, Norman. I'll take it. I like, we got cats on the ones and twos here. Chuck is, I think, finally took his own life. Cats is a big smiley retard. Hallelujah. He looks like he's got autism or something. He's staring down, chuckling and smiling.

Real baby Huey over there, he's going to pet an animal too hard and Chuck jumped off the Staten Island ferry, I heard. Oh my God, and then he died andz fished his body out and ate it. Yeah. It looked like it. Thanks for the cookie. Catz brought two cookies. Is it a good cookie?

Great cookie. It's fatter than Chuck. Wow. Look at that. It's a good time. Speaking of fatter than Chuck, we're happy to have you Jason. I got a lot to throw at you here. I can't wait.

Well first of all, I saw long legs at the Alamo draft. Where's the Alamo draft? That's downtown? Downtown, right on Liberty. That's where I'll be, folks. I'm moving there. Lock, stock and barrel. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

Liberty. Yeah, by the way, you're long legs. Look at those gams. Jesus, that's a stilt. Wow, Wilt the Stilt. Nice thigh. Thank you. Liberty liberty. Yeah, by the way your long legs. Look at those gams Jesus. That's a stilt Wow, Wilf the stilt nice thigh So go downtown and first of all, you ever been one of these you get the you get the meal

You get a couple of beers you get a cocktail a tea a dessert I went to one draft house saw the worst movie of all time and I didn't really get it I don't I don't get the draft house appeal on the scene for the July down there What happened? No, I saw The Cohen brother new movie with his wife, and it's the biggest piece of shit ever. I like the Cohen No, no, no, no, this is you didn't like this movie. This is the one he just met with the stuff. They broke up Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, and they were fucking the solo and he made it with his bisexual lesbian wife It's called something and it's the worst movie I ever saw in my life, but I don't get the appeal of the draft house

I mean, I don't drink I guess but I want dinner and then a movie right the last thing I want is a waitress walking up. Excuse me. Would you like another beer? I'm watching the fucking film Well, they've kind of perfected it where you write it on a note and then you push the button and it lights up. So they go, ding, in the kitchen. And they come out and you just hand them the note. So it's a little less interaction.

But it's still distracting. Of course. I'm still looking for, oh, there she is. Here's the note, thank you. Yes, yes. Where's the food? When's the food getting here? Now I'm eating a steak and trying to watch a film.

Right, and it's a horror movie too. So you're in it. And then, you know, Nick Cage is like, ah, put it in my ass and you're like oh there's the guy I'll take an iced tea. Right. But the problem is too it's dark as shit it's a movie theater so I'm eating a hamburger and I'm like is that a mushroom or a condom what is that I'm eating here and you don't know what's going on. Condom nation is that a condom place? Huh? That's a good name for a condom place. Hey, that is good.

Condom Nation, and it's like all devil-y. I like it. That's great. Like long legs. Hell yeah. I didn't get long legs. I didn't like long legs. I don't get it.

Stupid. I like short legs. Give me Brad Williams. Oh, but those are the shortest legs. Oh yeah. I didn't get it. Woo! I hate the devil. The devil sucks.

The scene at the bus stop? That was supposed to be a joke. What was the bus stop? Remember he's at a bus stop with the luggage and the cops roll up and he's like... Oh yeah, yeah. I was like, this is a parody. It was goof troop. I didn't care for it. And I spent like three days on Reddit finding people that also hated it. Okay, good. But yeah, so it's in the financial district? Oh, it's downtown right at the tip, right on the herpy of the island of Manhattan. This is gonna be the closest we ever lived together. I can't wait.

To each other. Bring it on, we'll build a tree house. What's the closest we've lived to each other? Maybe when I was in Harlem, but we weren't really friends then. Yeah, yeah. And I was in the East Village back then't really friends then. Yeah, yeah. And I was, I was, yeah, I was in the East Village back then. So that's just a straight shot. Yeah.

All right. I'm excited. When you're moving soon or what? Uh, one month. We'll see about that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we're buying appliances today.

Wow. So that's actually like some semblance of a home. Hey, there's a microwave in this fucker. No kidding. I'm excited I gotta see this place. I'm dying. I got videos. I don't care what the video I want to go in fresh Video we'll do a blindfold walkie in we'll have a big surprise party. Okay, I don't understand the blindfold aspect But I'm looking forward to it. I don't want you have my address. I Want your suit?

All right, so, um, now we had the gender strike, or what is it? The counter strike? What was it tonight? The rider strike? What was that thing over the weekend with the computers? Oh, the IT failure outage. Outage! Yes, like Grindr at the RNC. Exactly. So, like gender strike or whatever happened on Friday. Why are you saying gender strike? What is it called?

I think it's called the conversation strike or the- What the hell are you talking about? Three strikes, you're out. Lucky strike, no. Gender strike? It's called, there was a word for it. God, I gave it a word, something strike. Oh I don't know strike.

Construction strike. Is that the company? Give it a goog if you don't mind there. I just thought it was all the headlines I saw were IT outage. They called, they had a hashtag, it was a blowing up, so they gave it a hashtag so they had to have a quick zippy name. Oh I missed the hashtag. Yeah it was something strike.

Alright. The audience is creeping right now. I don't know, strike force? Yeah, either way, I got to the, you had the thing where you wake up at seven, which I know you have a kid, but for me that's a bitch. You get to the airport, you're pulling up to Newark, everything's going great, you got the Uber on time,

you made it out of the house, flight canceled. Ah, shit, And I'm going to Sioux Falls. So it's a fucking zip- Crowd strike. Crowd strike. Thank you. And what is that? What does that mean? I don't know. All the crowds were striking and angry. It's a horrible word because it sounds like we're striking. Yeah, I love crowd strike. But it's just a crash, computer crash. Yeah, it just says major hotels, including Marion International and some other hotels were impacted with delays. Oh, well you don't care. Crowd strike.

Crowd strike. So everything, I get to the airport, people's hairs are on fire, babies are crying, people are saying the N-word, it's mayhem. So I... What were you doing at my parents' house? So when I got there, I added the last one, but I go right up to... I got the United... You know, we're up on Platinum or Mosaic or whatever you want to call it. We're all up on the high notches in the status. And I go in there and I go, hey, let me talk to the fat lady back there.

They go, hey, you're 1K. So I get in there and she goes... I'm so sick of these airport cunts with the typing. Yes, yes. Well, they don't tell you anything. So you're just standing there like an idiot. You go, anything? I've been standing here for 10 minutes.

They're like, and they talk real low for some reason. They're like, wow, I don't really see anything right now. Yes, they do that. They talk to themselves. Yeah. And you go, what was that? And it's that old Quinn joke, the great Colin Quinn joke, where he goes, oh, I'm just, I'm just thinking out loud. He's like, yeah, there's a word for

that. It's called talking. Yes. Yes. Tell me, tell me what you're thinking out loud. Tell me what you're seeing. I'm just seeing it's like Battleship. I don't, did you think mine? I don't know what's going on behind that screen. So I got a line about 30 miles back. She's like, that's not going to work. I'm like, well, what, and now I'm googling so I'm like okay Sioux Falls I can get into Omaha then I can drive two hours and she's like mmm Omaha I'll get you in at about 11 30 p.m. and you're like well the shows at 7 she's like and then how about this one this is the biggest pet peeve of all time is when they go you go my flights

canceled I have a connection looks I'm gonna miss the connection so we can figure something out she goes hold on. What's your flight number? Confirmation. Oh, you're gonna miss your connection That's what I said exactly. God drives me crazy. It's infuriating. So eventually I just go what about Minneapolis? It's a four-hour drive from Minneapolis. She's like, okay Minneapolis I can get to you by five and I'm like, alright I'll get I'll do it and so fly to Minneapolis rent the car Drive five hours show started two hours late. God damn, but we made it work. You did the show. I did the show I can't believe it. I you know, you have a big plan. You're like all right, I'll land it too

I'll take a shower. I'll take a nap. I'll jerk off but your plan is screwed Now you're in the car for four hours driving through fucking Minnesota yeah what's that old adage how do you make God laugh you tell him your plans for the future never heard it yeah it's not bad and how do you make the devil fart you watch long legs and you jerk off yeah but yeah that sucks so you had to you flew on Friday yes I was grateful because I had a Thursday show. I was in Hotlanta. And it was one of those things where you get down there, you do the show, and the next morning, everyone's like,

thank god you got out. It's always weird when you start getting texts before you hear the news. Because I wake up, and I have a child. I'm concerned about my wife and child. So I got four texts being like, thank god you're in Atlanta. Thank god you took off. And I'm like, did the World Trade Center blow up again? Is Obama back? Is Osama back? Whoever.

I think Biden fell over. So I look and it's, yeah, there's a crowd source or whatever the fuck. And, uh, I was happy to get out, but then, then you immediately have the thing of like, am I getting home on Sunday? Yeah. And I got to tell you, I've never been more grateful for anything in my life. We got, we went to the airport Sunday, Atlanta, which is the busiest airport in the world that airport stinks It's huge and it was it said it was the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life

I mean there was literally 400 people in line to ask a question Yeah, and people just sleeping and maybe this is my own Privilege or whatever and now I have a baby you wanna get home to, of course, but I'm like, if I had to do anything like that, I would just be like, I'll fly in a few days, I'll just. I had the same thought. I'll stay here, I'll sleep on the side of the road. I can't wait in a line that's more than four people.

Yeah, and it's a crazy line of erratic people. Everyone's doing the wait in line and the phone. Cause you gotta get on the customer service whore. And then you have these people that have like three, four kids. Yes. And they got all the iPads and I'm like, they're just, the kids are sleeping on the lap. They got a baby on the head and God bless these people that are traveling around with

multiple fucking children with the delay and all the stuff. But it was why, I mean, just swarms of people. And again, I'm lucky we travel so much. I got clear and pre check and digital ID and I just zoomed past everybody, which was very fortunate. And our flight was one of the ones that took off. But I was thinking about that because you had it on Friday. And I said this to Matt Wayne, it's rare that you just look at the board and you see all red cancel. Yes, yes, usually delayed. It's pretty rare to

have just like, we're not going. Yeah, yeah. That's it. All right. Well, that's the end of that. Especially when nothing happens. I can see if Gavin Newsom got fucked in the ass. You're like, oh, we're canceling everything. We have to take a moment to talk about it. But this was just, we don't know. The computer farted. Right. Yeah. It was a wild weekend and I was grateful to not have to deal with any of that. But I'm glad you got there. I got there by the skin of my foreskin and we did the show and it was one of those shows where there's a feeling in the air.

You're running, you got the plane grease, you haven't showered, you're wrinkly and the crowd's like, he's here and it's Sioux Falls, so what are they doing? We called them like, hey, we're going to be a couple hours late. They're like, all right. And they got divorced, came to the show. We had a great time and hit the titty bar after, which was exciting. And Sioux Falls is South Dakota. Yeah. And there's tits in South Dakota.

Oh, and Libya. Because I think there's only like three hundred and eighty people there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think these small towns have the best tits. I guess so, because the women there, there's not other options. They're like, I can either work at CVS or do a rain dance or be a stripper. Yeah, I think we had a Native American stripper and I think it did rain while she was on. But they have powers. But yeah, so we had a great time. And also it's fun because it's a small town, so you go to the titty bar and the guy walks by, 20s and he goes, hey Cheryl, here you go, I'll see you at daycare or whatever.

They all know each other. And it was in a barn, which was weird. It's South Dakota. But I also did a thing where I walked on stage and was like, here we are, South Dakota, first time baby, last time. And one guy went, fuck you. Oh wow. They don't usually laugh, yeah, so they don't play out there. Oh jeez,

well I think that's pretty nice. It was fun. Yeah. Now here's the clinker. Clink me. Well Youngblood's opening, he's going to Houston so he's got to go from, we drove to Cedar Rapids the next day for another gig. He goes to Chicago to Houston and I go from Chicago to Newark. His flight got canceled the night before on Saturday so he's freaking out. He's like, what am I going to do? And he's on hold. We're out drinking. He's like, I got to go back.

I can't deal with this too much. I got to get it. He didn't make it. He had to sleep in Chicago. He had to take a bus. It was full plane strains. He got fucked. I got fucked on the way there. He got fucked on the way out. I think he's still in Chicago. Oh wow. And now how about this? That was a fucking ghastly sound. Yeah. Ghostly. What's ghastly exactly? I don't know.

Is that similar to like ghosts? I don't know. That's a good question. Ghastly is like, ah, but Ghost is like, ah. Yeah. So it's the same thing, but just different letter? And is there a Goostly? But it's Gastly, like the villain says that, this Gastly bitch got my way again. But Gastly's like hungry, right?

No. Like you're whittling away to nothing. He's Gastly. Like I think Biden might be ghastly. Oh, really? Yeah, I think if you're like thin and can you get a definition of ghastly? Then there's dastardly and then there's a ghast. He was a ghast. Oh, yeah. A ghast is like, holy shit. That was crazy. But maybe you're a ghast at a ghastly body. Ah think the Somalians were like ghastly. So we had to go over there and drop food and gas. I think. Famished is up there too.

Ghastly is an adverb for famished. I don't know about that. It says ghastly causing great horror or fear, frightness, or extremely unwell. Oh, there you go! Gasey, okay, yeah, I think we were close. Biden is ghastly. He's unwell. Says he always felt ghastly first thing in the morning. Oh! That doesn't seem right. That's ghastly. I'm ghastly, yeah. Wow, alright. Well, we're learning things. And then I'll just wrap up with this. So, got the... You know, I'm trying to make this flight back on Sunday, 8 a.m. flight, hungover, driving back to the rental car. I hate dropping that rental car off, but I always get the gas so I don't have to fill it up, which is helpful. I know you don't like it. Suckers bit. Yeah, it's not great, but when you pull that puppy

in, cluck cluck cluck cluck on that, when the engine's knocking because there's no gas that's a great feeling. Good feeling. So you get to the Cedar Rapids Airport there's no spaces because I guess no one's renting cars anymore so I'm driving around the parking lot they're like you gotta drop the car off in a space and then you go in you put the keys and envelope in a slot remember that old move? Yeah yeah. Hey it feels so shifty. I'm like, is this real? I know. Well, it's weird.

These small towns, they have different things. Yes. Mail it to us. Get a stamp with Norman Rockwell on it and mail it to us. Yeah. So you're like, is this safe? Okay, whatever. But they're like, what slot is it in? So you got to fill it out. I'm like, there is no slot. I parked it on the curb because there was no slot. And they, and here's the crazy thing. As I was walking in after dropping the remote, I'm like, there is no slot. I parked it on the curb, because there was no slot. And here's the crazy thing, as I was walking in after dropping the rental car, I'm kinda hustling, and the guy, I just hear boop on a loudspeaker,

it was a recording, and it says, please be safe out there, this is the airport, and don't ever leave your car on the curb, it will get towed. And I'm like, was that for me, it was like one of those old movies where they're talking to you with the TV, and I was like, huh that for me? It was like one of those old movies where they're talking to you with the TV. And I was like, huh.

But there was no slot. So I'm just going, I ask a guy and he goes, fuck off. And I go, okay. And then I just went to my terminal and I got hit with these guys. Walk into the gate. I'm like, all right, I'm going to make it. I got six minutes till we're boarding. Just got to get through security.

Hey, Norman. All right. Looks probably a fan. I turned to my right. Two fat guys with glasses. They look like cats. And they go... Oh, Gastly. They go, uh, can we get a couple signatures? They got these big ol' dioramas of everything I've ever done. My face. And I go, what's this? You gonna sell these on eBay? And they go, yeah, probably. And I'm signing, I'm signing.

It's like this, I'm doing this shit. They're so big, and there's two of them. Like cardboard cutouts? Yes, cardboard cutouts, photos, headshots, album covers. And I go, geez, and these guys are so good. You can tell they do this for a living. They're like, soup to nuts was great. Big Two's gay over here.

We love We Might Be Drunk. I got a bottle of bodega cat congrats on the wife Oh Greg the cat and I'm like Jesus Christ You guys know more about me than my father and I'm signing and they keep shuffling it like one more one more And I'm like now I got two minutes. Why are they at the airport? Because they know I'm gonna be there Oh my god, you're one of those guys. I guess so. You made it Jerry I know but I hate it. I was like I made, but I hate it! I was like, I made it, but I hate it! And I was like, alright guys, I gotta go! But I missed my flight!

They go, we don't care! And then they go, let's get a few photos! And I got my shirt off, I kissed one, and I eventually had to kick a guy in the tits and I ran to the exit. Oh my god, that's wild! Shouldn't they know your hotel? Come to my hotel! Please!

Fuck me in the ass! I'll fight you in, blow me! Get ice for me. But I mean this was elaborate, quite the poster board. Wow, well that's exciting, that's a nice feeling. You made the flight. I made the flight by the skin of my dick. All's well that ends well I guess, but yeah, those guys are like psychotic.

They're wacky guys, but they're pros, because they're buttering you up as you're signing because they just want to keep you signing because the more you sign the more the money they get. Well I guess it's an easier town there because Cedar Rapids there's only three flights out so they're like he's definitely on either the flight to Chicago or the flight to Minnesota I guess. Good point. You can't just go to LaGuardia and be like I'll guess. No but the good news with LaGuardia is you'll see eight you'll see Pavarotti in there. Right good point. But then you have to print out a Pavarotti pic. That's a lot of ink.

He's fat, right? He's not cat's fat, but he's fat. JK, LOL. Cats came in hot making fat jokes, so to me that's an invite to make fat jokes. Yeah, that's true. Isn't that how it works? If you make a joke about being fat, that's like, hey.

But with his looks, he's never coming hot anywhere. He's a very handsome boy. That's true, the face is nice. Downhill is rough. What are you gonna do? Yeah, so they enjoy those signatures. They're gonna make about 18 cents on eBay. I don't know who's buying a picture of me and I don't think people care about signed stuff anymore. It's not the 1840s.

Well, it's exciting to get signed stuff if you're the one that's getting it signed. I was just talking about this because I'll get to this in a minute I went to the a tennis tournament this weekend and I mean I'll have to get into the details more in a second but the photos look great. The lady oh so cool the the lady who befriended a wife of a Tuesday maybe she'll become a Tuesday herself I don't know she has these cards that she hands out to kids that have all been signed by Andy Roddick and Nick Curios. But she's like, you want some? And I'm like, I'll take some. I'm going to give them to my nephew, I guess. Maybe he'll like them. But just having a thing that's been signed is not as exciting as meeting someone and be like, could you sign this for

me? Yes, of course. And you're like, I met Ken Griffey Jr. You know, I kissed him on the lips. He signed my asshole. And now I have it tattooed. Sure. That's a lot better than like, oh, yeah, I know a guy who knows the person who handed me this thing. Totally. So.

And it's something to say, too, when you meet a guy. Go, hey, can you sign this? Otherwise, you go, uh, how's your wife's pussy? Right. It's good to have an in. Yeah. It's always weird. Some people are so good. I want to give a shout out to all the

Tuesday. We have the best fans in the bit. I mean, online they're horrendous, but in person they're unbelievable. Tuesday. That's the nature of the times we're living in, I guess. But some are so, so good at the meet and greet. Yes. There's like levels of meet and greet fandom and some are just, they get a bunch of good stuff in, they're like, hey, I'm sober, I love your podcast, I hope you do more of this, that was a great show, best live show, you're way better than Tim Dillon, and your side, Russell Brand is weird, take care.

And I'm like, thank you. And then they leave, and you're like, woo, that was fantastic. That's lunch. Others, they stand in the back, they linger, because they want to be the last one. Ah, I hate the linger. Because they think, want to be the last one. I hate the linger. Because they think, if I'm the last one, I can spend a half an hour here.

Exactly. It's always brutal. Some do the meet and they're great. Great greet. Great greet. Funny line. Good points. And then you do the rest of the meet and greet and all of a sudden, they're back.

You see them back again the second time. And I used to think about this with, with, when Louis, when I was working with Louis a bunch is like, we would talk to someone on the street that would come up to him and then they would leave and come back again. And I always thought of the line Hannibal Lecter when he's like, when she goes to hand him the, the fucking, what do you call that? The survey. And he's like, Oh no, no, you were doing so well. That's how I felt.

It was like you had done such a great job. And then you come back from, because I think they leave and they go, that went well. Let me come back in for more. You got to get it all in one greet. One shot and you're out. Yeah. You can't do that with a lady. You can't hit on a lady, get her number and then go back up to her at the bar and go, so you want to see my dick? You got to get in, get out. I mean, you can't do that, but it doesn't work out. I've tried it three times this month. So did Paul Rubin's. But, Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Raycon.

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and important safety info. We thank you for sponsoring the show, BlueChew. Look, I got a bit of a, to me it's like epic, but it's not really epic. It's married with children epic. It's not 2015 epic. It's married with children epic. It's not 2015 epic, where we were fuckin' fat ladies and makin' people watch. All right, well give me a wholesome epic.

It's a wholesome epic. We need a nice Hallmark movie every now and then, Hallmark Norman. Well, so, many moons ago, this is the thing about fatherhood I'm learning, you got coming up soon, which is very exciting. Another good movie. And uh, isn't it Parenthood?

Ah. Fatherhood is the Bill Cosby book. Ah, yes, yes. That really put me to bed. I think I have it, but Parenthood's a hell of a movie. Great movie. Yeah. Thomas Hulse. Who's Thomas Hulse?

He's Amadeus. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's a great actor! I always confuse him with... he looks like Chad Lowe. Chad Lowe? Yeah like Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe. Are they bro? They look similar. Well Rob Lowe and Chad Lowe are brothers. That's a new Lowe. But Chad Lowe looks like that guy. Oh okay. You ever sit down next to each other? No, he's an Uglier Lowe. I think so. He's a Lesser Lowe.

Chad Lowe is the one that's married to Hilary Swank and she didn't thank him at the Oscars. Ouch. I believe. She didn't swank him. And then they got divorced. Oh, no swank you. Which my wife wins an Oscar. Oh, Katz is pulling it up.

I don't even know which one's which. Oh, I can see a hulse. I can see a hulse. Wow, he is the Uglier Lowe. Yeah. Wow, he is the ugly or low? Yeah. Wow, low bar. Yeah, she won an Oscar and he was just standing there waiting for his thank you.

She never thanked him. If my wife won an Oscar and she didn't thank me, that would be the end of that relationship. We're done. Swanky very much. I would take the Oscar, put it in my ass so it's all muddy and leave it behind. Hell yeah. Katz is nice. He laughs.

Chuck, you don't laugh enough. Yeah, Chuck's got some brums. And what's good about Katz is he jiggles when he laughs. All right, that was the last one. Yeah, he laughs. Chuck, you don't laugh enough. Yeah, Chuck's got some problems. What's good about Katz is he jiggles when he laughs, you know? All right, that was the last one. Yeah, I know. It's like a T-Rex. I can see the ripple in my cup. So many moons ago, this is what I was going to say about fatherhood, is, and I heard that someone gave advice, let it change you.

Because it's going to change you if you resist the change. The old Elliot Page. Yes. So I'm letting it change me. And you know me, still change. The old Elliot Page. You're fucked. So I'm letting it change me and you know me, still the same OG but I've been low key, I like to get after it. I want to go hiking and do a concert. I want to wake up at 6 a.m., swim in the ocean, go for a hike, go to the Mariners game, come back, go to the strip club and then watch a movie.

I'll be on the back half. Well now I got to just do one thing if that. Ah, that's gotta be hard. You must resent the child, hate the child, wanna get rid of him. I don't resent the child, I mean I wanna get rid of him, but you know, just for a couple months. Oh, that'd be nice. Let him come around when he's got the teeth and he's talking, that'll be nice.

So a few months ago, you know me, I like rock and roll, the Foo Fighters and the Pretenders are at City Field. That's big. Now, City Field's down the street from my house. Foo Fighters, they're legends, you know, rock and roll and the Pretenders. I love the Pretenders, big Pretenders guy over here. Well, what's their hit? They got a few. You got the lady, right?

Chrissy Hines. Yeah. Well, they got I'll stand by you. Wow. That was a later hit. Big one. And then they got, I'll stand by you. Wow. That was a later hit. Big one. And then they got, gotta use my, my, my imagination. Oh yeah. Cause I'm gonna make you see. Wow.

Nobody else here. And then they got brass. And then there's the other one is, now I'm back on the chain. Oh yeah, that's a great tune. I like that song. Yeah, Pretenders kick ass. So anyways, I'm excited to go.

I tell Sarah, we're going and it's a few months away. We'll have to get a babysitter, the whole thing. And so it's coming around, it's getting closer and closer and you're starting looking at that calendar and you're like, all right, that night and now every morning the baby's in a sleep regression. So we're waking up at 3.30 in the morning, four in the morning, it's a pain in the ass.

And so we're exhausted. And you still gotta do all the same work. You got the podcast, you gotta book your dates, you gotta book your flights, you got the hotel, you gotta write new jokes, you gotta put up your videos, you gotta put up your clips. It's a lot of gum. And then you're waking up, you're not sleeping,

so I'm like, we gotta get a babysitter. So I hit up 10 people, they all say no, so finally number 11, I get Feehan so I'm like, we gotta get a babysitter. So I hit up 10 people, they all say no, so finally number 11, I get Fihand. I'm like, would you do it? Because she's certainly not the first or second or third or fourth choice. Sure, sure, she's an OnlyFans. Yeah, she's a bit of a mental case, if you ask me.

Yeah, she's an ass. I'm kidding, of course. She's, don't care for the ass, but. You're the one. I'm kidding, I love it. But I'm joking about all this. She's the first choice. She's my son's best friend.

So we hit her up. Hey, can you watch the baby Wednesday night? He goes to bed at seven and just be a couple hours. Then you can do whatever you want. You can ditty yourself in my bed, please film it. Yes, send me the link. So she goes, of course I'll be there. I love you. God bless.

I say, bring some of those cookies from that nice place and you're building. She says, fuck you. You don't need cookies. You've got shit. Nice. That's a friend. It is a good friend. So friend hand. We got the babysitter all set up. She's coming and we're about two days out and I go, God, what's going on? We got to go out there at five o'clock. The pretenders come on at five 30. Wow. That early? Yeah, it's a long show. They got three bands playing. And I go, boy, I'm going to take the end train to the seven train. There's going to be 50,000 people there.

Then we're going to have to watch a few songs. And then I guess we have to leave early because we can't have Karen there all night. She wakes up early and Sarah goes, you know, I've never really been a big Foo Fighters gal. Oh, OK. Now it's all coming out. So we're going, yeah, well, it'll be fun though. We got to do it. What are we going to do? Stop going to concerts. We don't want to be these old assholes that don't do things. We're going. And the whole time we just want to, we're dying to see Maxine, which is the sequel to X. Oh, is that right?

I got the poster over here. Thanks for whoever gave that to me. How hot is she in that poster? So hot. Mia Goth, very good. So I go, oh, dying to see Maxie. When are we gonna get a chance to see this? So finally we just sit there together, like a good couple and go, what if we had dinner and a movie?

Ooh, I love it. And she goes, I want to, that's what I wanna do. Let's just do that. I go, you know what, fuck it, we'll give the tickets away. Wow. We're gonna go to a dinner and a movie. Why are we making our stuff? Cause it's all ego, Jerry.

I just don't want to cancel plans. I don't want to be a guy who's like, I don't go to concerts anymore. I'm too tired. Right, you're Biden. He didn't want to step down. You didn't want to step. I didn't want to step,

but then everybody I've ever met and know and love was like, please don't do it. So. Obama's telling you not to go to the concert. I go, let's just go to a movie. Who cares? Put my ego aside. I'm letting it change me. I don't want to go to a stadium show. Anyways, it's way out there.

We'll be sitting around. It'd be crowded. My father's gay. It's a lot, Jerry. And it's nice for Karen because I'm like, we'll be back by 10 o'clock. So there's a 6.15 movie. Karen comes over at five. We hang out. We bullshit.

She's with the baby. The baby loves her, vice versa. It's adorable. It's very sweet. We're very grateful. Great. So we go, all right, take care. Comb your hair.

We leave. We go out into the city. I get a car. We go out, have nice slices of pizza, which was fun. Because we're like, we'll get a meal. And then she's like, I haven't had a slice in a long time. So we sat, very romantic. We had a Coke with two straws. fun. Because the person were like, we'll get a meal. And then she's like, I haven't had a slice in a long time. So we sat, very romantic. We had a Coke with two straws.

Eat the pizza. We watched Maxine. I was a little disappointed. Still fun though. We're having a blast. We're in there. It's great 80s soundtrack. There wasn't enough tits.

Still liked it. We go out after, we're like, let's go get, let's go to Shake Shack. We're on the Upper East. Go to Shake Shack. We shoved some burgers and fries. We were like teenagers in love, Jerry. Pizza and Berg? Well, pizza and candy, by the way.

Wow. I ate candy, pizza. I'm going to look like cats by the end of the week. Yeah. You're Kevin McAllister out here. You're eating whatever you want. Oh, we live, baby. So then we eat the burger, the fries, the milkshake. We make out. And I'm like, let's not go home yet. It's still only because we saw our six o'clock movie. Sure. Still only nine o'clock. So I go, let's get a walk in. It's still only, cause we saw a six o'clock movie. Sure. Still only nine o'clock. So I go, let's get a walk in. It'll be a romantic, like a Woody Allen film.

We're on the Upper East side. We're never on the Upper East anymore. We go for a nice long, I find a cafe. I'm like, let's go to the cafe. And it's on like 82nd between first and second. We go all the way down there. It's beautiful. We're holding hands. I'm touching her ass.

I'm smelling her pussy. Yeah. I'm hoping she didn't shower. But we get to the cafe. We walk in. I'm like, hey, I want a cup of chamomile. And he goes, oh, you're looking for a cafe. The cafe closed at four.

This wine bar. He goes, come downstairs. We give you the best wine ever. And the guy was so charming and French that I was like, should we have wine? Wow, he got you, huh? I was walking down the stairs. I was like, I can't go down, what are you crazy?

So we leave, I said, we'll be back when the cafe's open, we're never going back. You got that right. We leave, we're back up Second Avenue, we're walking, we walk by the comic strip, which is awkward because, not awkward, but you're on a romantic date night, and all of a sudden you're like,

the comics, it's weird when you're like, we're away from comedy, then all of a sudden you're like, ah! Yes, yes! You see the little whiteboard out there, and you're like, Sheba Mason, you know, D.F. Swedler, and you know, Chris Rock. Right.

And we go, that's quite a lineup. It's not bad. So we go, oh wow, that's great, it's the comic strip. We're talking, we're sharing old times, it's beautiful. Then, there's all this dry lightning. Dry lightning? Not raining, but it's lightning. Oh, I never heard of that, Jim.

Big, the sky is just lighting up. And she's like, this is so romantic. I was like, it's beautiful. We stop, we make out. I finger her, I gotta wash my hands because it's not good. Hell yeah. So then we walk for about a mile

and it's just the best night of my life. We feel a couple of sprinkles and I was like a Native American. I grab our tits, I go, let's get a lift. We gotta get a lift. And I grab the lift, order it, it's a block up, we get in the lift, the second we get in the lift, worst, I don't know if you were here last Wednesday.

No. Heaviest rain I've ever seen. Oh yes. I mean, I've never seen, it was like Texas rain. I remember this. In New York, and it was like, boo boo! I mean, I've never seen, it was like Texas rain in New York and it was like, boo boo! I mean, you couldn't even see an inch outside the windshield. We timed it so perfect. We were perfectly dry. We ride back to Texas forever. I've texted Karen, I'm like,

we're on our way. She's like, I don't care. Take your time. I'm watching the crown or whatever, diddling the kid. We get back and then we gotta run. I put the jacket over her head. We run from the sidewalk. We're soaked because it's so rainy. We get to the door, we kiss on the lips. Ah. Key in that door. We're home at 10 o'clock.

Wow. We bullshit with Kara. Everything went great with the baby. He's sound asleep, she's sound awake. We have a nice time. We say thanks so much. Kick her in the ass. Don't pay her a dime for doing it.

You got that right. And she leaves. We make love. We go to bed. Now I'm not even thinking until we lay in bed. The concert was destroyed by the rain. They played three songs. They play a couple of jams. Thunder, lightning, huge delay. Everyone's going to file underneath the stadium. They sit there for hours. You made the right choice. Finally, they cancel the show. They're like, we'll make up for it Friday night.

We'll play extra long, but I wasn't ever long. We weren't going Friday night. We made the perfect choice. Wow. We had the best date of our lives and the concert would have been horrible. You chose love. We would have been soaked.

Wow. How good is that? That's great. And you know what sucks or sad as a guy is like, you can have this beautiful romantic night, the pizza, the sex, nothing feels better than getting that lift. When you nail that lift, oh, that's a great feeling. Oh, it was a great feeling all the way around. And it was so just a wonderful, wonderful night.

And you just feel, because every decision I've ever made, I question. Sure. I'm like, should we have gone to the concert? Should I have moved to Nebraska? Should I have a better podcast partner? You know, you're always just questioning things. Fomo.

Yes. Fomo. Fomosexual. And it all worked out. It was all pipes. And what a, what a night. What a night. That is a beauty.

Wow. Pizza, ice cream, sex, Karen, I love everything but one. Yeah, it was all fun, it all made me wanna come every last thing. That's great. Yeah, it was pretty good. Maxine, no bueno, huh? I like Maxine, I loved X so much.

Then they did Pearl, which was a totally different kind of movie that I liked I just didn't like it but and then this was like a direct sequel and it wasn't as thrashery there was like gunplay and I have a real problem with devil I don't care about or devil I don't know but everyone's there like I have a what do you call that deviled egg and a opposition what's I don't think I can't think of words anymore my mom Ashley mush but I don't think, I can't think of words anymore. My mind is mush. But I don't like an allergy to like preachy, and the Lord has come to me in any kind of movie, whether it be a horror or a drama. Anytime someone's like, it gives me the willies.

Yeah, you know, I'm with you on that. I don't love that. And here's a weird one for me. Anything Middle East-y I find hard to get into. And I got no problem with Middle Eastern people. I like Middle Eastern food. I have a sari I wear at home. But the Middle East movies are drab and dusty and gray to me. Even like a Black Hawk Down, which I can see is a great movie. It's too much Middle East.

Hurt Locker, Middle East. I know. I don't know. It's too much Middle East, Hurt Locker, Middle East. I know. I don't know. It's my own personal thing, but it bugs me. I know what you mean. Lawrence of Arabia. It's a struggle. Yeah. I know what you mean. I mean, deserts. Black Hawk Down has got that crazy like 90s filter too. It's all dark and weird. Yes. Yes. And I know it's good and it's got a great cast and all that, but's just something about that that sandy That that territory over there like the weird hut houses and the brick and the I don't know It's a bummer the first Star Wars, too. Yeah, you're like that's drab tattooing drab is no good No, I don't like drab drab is bad. What is it? Jason's holding up a thing for us here. I don't know what it says. Oh

Look at that. Oh, well, we got the clock the drab for we got the clock right underneath God bless you. Yeah, sweet man. He's thoughtful. He's a good boy. Very thoughtful. Yes. This is a JK. That's fun for JK Rowling JK lol. All right, okay Hey folks Tuesday with stories is brought to you by Better Help. Oh yeah. When your schedule is packed with big work projects it's easy to let your priorities slip. Better Help can get you back on track with online therapy you can do from anywhere. It's designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. You can chat with your therapist on the phone, over video chat, or even on their messaging platform. Getting started is really easy.

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Let's get back to the show. Yeah. All right. I got a couple other things. I want to hear more for you. No, I mean, let's see. I think I had some old stuff, but let me look it up while you lay it on me, Fatty. All right. Well, I went down to Atlanta and I got to give a big shout out to all the Atlanta gays. My God. Oh, really? And all the folks in Atlanta, they go, hey, I know this isn't a comedy town. Thanks for coming. They act like Atlanta is Sioux Falls.

They're like, thanks for coming here. I'm like, this is a good spot. I love Atlanta. But I think the club, the punch line used to be this legendary room, and now it's kind of in a diner. So I think people don't look at it as good. But it's still a great room and hot crowds and a ton of Tuesdays came out. We appreciate it. I have a new shirt I debuted and they sold hot cakes. It's still a great room and hot crowds and a ton of Tuesdays came out.

We appreciate it. I have a new shirt I debuted and they sold like hot cakes. Hey, let's hear it, Fetty. Well, I don't want to give it away because it's a joke. Okay, okay. But I'll be selling them all over town and they just went. All right, all right. They made the cakes.

That extra cash was nice, so thanks to everyone for the support. But yeah, flew down to Atlanta with Matt Wayne I love MW and I gotta apologize to one fan because he reached out and he goes I know you're a tennis fan I know you like playing tennis I got a hookup we could play doubles you and your opener you could play me and my buddy will play and I went I'll be there I love tennis and I love you we're gonna play tennis on Saturday hey I got a tennis hookup. We're going to go play. Let's do it. So a few hours later, I get a message, an email from a woman named Becky Dent, which is so similar to Bucky Dent, a famous New York Yankee Red Sox killer. And it says Atlanta

open. And I thought, I don't know, I thought maybe it was an invite to make love or something. Yeah, we're open. So I read it. The big tennis tournaments in town. And she goes, thought, I don't know, I thought maybe it was an invite to make love or something. Yeah, we're open. So I read it, the big tennis tournaments in town and she goes, Hey, my husband's a huge twos gay. I run social media for the Atlanta open. Would you want to come and watch some tennis for free and maybe shoot some content? King of content. So I took my phone, put it on vibrate, shoved it in my ass and came all over my sister's

tits because this is the best thing I've ever heard. You can skip the tennis after that. So I screenshot it and I said it to Matt Wayne and I go, guess what? We're going to the Atlanta Open. Wow. At one point she says, I thought maybe you could try to take a cup, return a couple of serves from some of our big hitters. Whoa. Return a couple serves from some of our big hitters. Whoa And now I'm like so excited. That's all I want in my life. Yeah, I have a man

Just smash me in the face with his balls But that ended up not happening, but we get the invite so that I just blew off the guy that invited me to play tennis And I'm sorry, sir. I appreciate it, but I'm like I got the better offer. I'm going to go play tennis with the pros. Yeah, that's open, he's closed. So he's out, he's closed, sorry sir. Next time we'll play doubles. Not really, but we go to the Atlanta Open. I'm so excited.

This lady couldn't have been nicer. She's like, come meet us. Matt and I go down there, and Matt and I are tennis heads. I'm a tennis freak. So I couldn't be more excited. I'm nervous. Then she emails and goes, change a plan. How'd you like to meet and hang out

with Francis Tiafoe, big foe? Now, if you don't know, he's one of the big American players. Okay, okay. And I got to see him in the semi-finals of the 2022 US Open against Alcaraz, the best sporting event I've ever been to in my life. Tiafoe, sure. And so I'm like sh to in my life. Wow, Tiafoe Shore.

And so I'm like shitting my tits. I go, I can't wait. This is awesome. We go down there, we watch some tennis. We got sitting like the main VIP area under the roof with fans in front of us. It's nice and cool. Beautiful view. We hang out, watch some great tennis from a great spot. We go and meet Francis Dioppo. Couldn't be nicer. Hey T. I wrote down a bunch of questions. It's all gonna be on my YouTube. I wrote down a bunch of questions which was exciting. We were on the couch, me and Matt, another player named Borna Koric. Mmm, Borna to run.

Borna, Borna against Christian. Uh-huh. And he was nice too, but he's Serbian, so he wasn't as silly. I was like, who's your favorite comedian? Why isn't it me? And he was like, we don't really like comedy. Yeah, he's got a little Putin in him. And he was like, I like Ricky Gervais. And I was like, all right, that's fine. Well, he isn't Novak Serbian? Uh, he is Serbian. This guy was Croatian. Oh, even worse. Croatia and Serbia. That used to be Yugoslavia. Oh, I think they split off, is that right?

You go, girl. Something like that. You're saying no? That's gonna break his computer. Oh, you don't know, yeah. Give it a go. Yugoslavia became half Serbia, half Croatia. Sorry, what was the question?

I heard Croatia's beautiful. Yeah, me too. We should go. Yeah, Croatia, Yugoslavia, Serbia, they put that all in there. Are they connected? Gasly? Gasly, then there's Bosnia. That's a different. Oh you don't want to go there. That was, I had some trouble there I think. Yeah yeah that was a big thing in the 90s. Oh Bosnia's in the news. Bosnia and then there's Bahrain. There's all kinds of crazy places. Darfur, that was something I pretended to know about.

That was Janis' show. Barfor. That's for us right there. That was a real insider. I'm too down to spell Croatia. CRO. Type in Yugoslavia. TI.

All right, we'll figure this out. Maybe Slovakia. Czechoslovakia. Czech Republic. Yes, Czech mate. Czechoslovakia, Czech Republic. Yes, Czech. Czechoslovakia became Czech Republic and Slovakia. There we go. That's two countries.

And then Yugoslavia, I think is Serbia, Croatia. Okay. I'm pretty sure. And then Istanbul is now Turkey. No, Istanbul is a city in Turkey. Thank you. But that was Constantinople. Constantinople, that's what I'm thinking.

All right, now we're back. Oh yeah. I think Jason might have a learning disability. Are you okay? And an eating disorder. Reverse eating. Anyways, so we went down there, interviewed Francis DiAffo. He couldn't have been cooler, couldn't have been better. What a thrill.

It was like a dream come true. You're sitting there with an athlete that you've watched live on TV a million times. He just came from Wimbledon for God sakes. Wow, where's he from? He's from, I think Orlando originally. He lives in DC now. I think he's a DC guy,

but I think he trains out of Orlando. I'm not really sure. His parents are African. I forget which country though. I don't wanna get it wrong. Zaire. Sierra Leone, I think. Oh, good director.

Yeah, so he's a great guy, couldn't have been nicer, it was super cool, I made him laugh a couple times, then it got awkward, because his girlfriend was there, and one of my questions, I said, you know, I'm doing comedy, I'm married, I'm a good, loyal husband and father, but when I'm on stage, I'm noticing hot girls in the audience, I'm like, I'm a good loyal husband and father, but when I'm on stage I'm noticing hot girls in the audience. I'm like, my God, look at those tits, look at those feet, look at those lips, look at

that cock. Pretty standard. And you just want to, you wonder what it would be like to make love to all these women while you're performing. That's what you do. And I go, so you're noticing the girls in the crowd? And he goes, and I wasn't, I didn't realize the woman behind him was his girlfriend and then he kind of did this. No, I'm not thinking about that at all. And I was like, oh I blew it and she looked, I looked over, she was staring at

me, she never said goodbye to me, I think she hates me, I think I blew it. You went over the net. Yeah, I think that, I think she didn't like it, I think he didn't like it, I think he was like, are you crazy? You went out of bounds. Yeah, I think that I think she didn't like it. I think he didn't like I think he was like You crazy you went out of bounds. Yeah, so That was a big fault my fault Walt nice to know other people do those those little faux pas. Yeah. Well, I thought it was a decent question Yeah, it's clever and the Croatian guy was like, I don't know what you talk about Alright, well, I don't look at women. Yeah, you know, it's funny is that's how men are All right, well, stop it. Don't look at women.

Yeah, you know what's funny is that's how men are. And I know we're called creeps and sickos and fuckups, but it's just how we're wired. We can't help it, you know? And it's kind of a sense of a type of body shaming. You know when you go, hey, she was pretty hot, and they go, all right, you fucking deviant. You're like, I can't help it.

That's who I am. That's how I'm wired. Right. But like, I was in a bar with six guys. We're all hanging out, a bunch of comics. And the bartender was this fun, nice lady. She walked out and I go, I would. And every guy went, yeah, nice tits.

You had a pretty good ass. And we all clocked it. So it's just a thing where she walked away for eight seconds and we'd have been talking for four minutes. And every guy knew exactly what they would do to her, what she looked like naked, how sure ass, big, how big her tits were, the whole thing. I think women do this to some degree. I think if a woman walked in here right now, she's like, I might fuck him, I'd definitely

fuck him and I would never touch him. Yeah, I think you're right. I think you're right. I think there is something to that. She would touch him on the way out because you have to hit him physically just to leave. He's blocking the exit. We should have a camera on Katz because he's got some great face takes over there. Oh yeah, very sad man. Wow, are you better than Chuck. Oh, well that's a low bar. Anyway, so what else is happening over there with your crazy tits?

I had to run this one by you fatty and I'll leave you alone. So I had to do, I don't know, what's going on with my agent? They're booking me in these bumfuck, out of the way, small ass towns in the summer. Well, I mean, they work for you. You're confirming the dates. That's true. I don't look at things. They go, hey, we got you this, this and this. And I go, ah. All right. So, but I should start checking because I'm in Rockford, Illinois this weekend and Rochester,

Minnesota. Rockford Peaches. I think Rochester is where the mall is, right? Yeah, but that's something. That's Rochester, New York, I think. No, isn't it the Mall of America in Rochester? Maybe not. Maybe I made that up.

No, I don't think so. What's in Rochester, Minnesota? I've heard of that. Maybe they have a minor league team or some shit. Something. I think it's they used to be part of Yugoslavia, but, um, it's really, I think we've sold eight tickets. It seats 4,000 people.

It's not looking good. I'm getting all these DMS like, why are you coming here? What are you doing? No one lives there. It's a ghost town. It's just a hayseed. I think it's nice. They keep doing service to these other people that don't get the shows.

I think it's a nice gesture. I'm okay with the service, service industry. Thanks for your service, but no one's coming out. So you get the four guys going, thank you for coming here, and you're like, well, this is a 1200 seater, so I appreciate you four coming out, but we can all do this from Dairy Queen. Right.

So whatever, but I go do Baton Rouge. Hey, Francois. Now, of course, the folks, they hit you up and they go, hey, Baton Rouge, an hour from New Orleans. How about this? You fly into New Orleans. We'll scoop you. We'll all drive there together. Then we'll get dinner.

Then we'll go to the show. Your aunts, your uncles, your cousins, your grandma, your real dad are gonna come out and you go, okay, then they go, then after the show we'll all go out to Chuck E. Cheese and then we'll go to a brothel and then we'll drive you to the hotel and we'll sleep over. I just picture you in the back seat leaning forward in between your two parents. Yeah, your mother's sleeping, your dad's reading a book and you're up there going, can we stop at Ice Cream Hut? Yeah, that's pretty much it. You nailed it.

You throw a few action figures in there. And a Burger King crown. But you know how it is. The road is your escape. And now you're like, wait, now I'm eating dinner with my parents, I'm blowing my mom, and I'm making out with the cousins. I hate it. Yeah, like that last part I like.

Yeah, that wasn't bad. So you're like, oh, okay, all right. So you talk to the parents, flight delayed. Ooh, that's nice. So I'm on the horn with mom going, woo, baby. It's a madhouse down here, the flight's delayed. Not looking good for the pickup. So I was gonna fly into New Orleans,

you gotta connect, whatever, fly to New Orleans, then drive with them for the hour, but I was like, things are so tight now, I gotta just fly straight to Baton Rouge, I'll see you there. So that kind of bought me some time. Get to Baton Rouge. You get out of the plane, you get in an Uber, go to the hotel. Now they text you, how to go, what happened? You're like, well, I'm in an Uber on the way to the hotel.

They're like, well, me get the hotel. And you're like, I just want to, I just need a shower. Now, can you say to your parents, I need to shower? Yeah, no. I should, I physically can, but I'm weak. I don't want to hurt them. Believe me. Yeah, I don't want to hurt their feelings.

I don't want to be like, I need some alone time the same way, believe me. Yeah, I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to be like, I need some alone time. They're old and strange. So I go, all right, I'm just gonna get to the hotel. I'm gonna do a quick shower, so I lie, as I do. And I go, oh, it looks like I'll be at the hotel at six. I'm getting there at 5.40. That'll give me 20 good minutes to check in, drop the bags off, wipe my ass out, and I shower.

Wipe it out. Wipe it out is funny. Wiped it out because it was clogged. And I get in, I shower, I'm hustling. And now it's 559. I run downstairs, my hair is wet. My parents are like, why are you all wet? I'm like, it's sweaty.

And we walk to the venue, we bump into the cousins, we see the cousins, we go in there, they're all in the green room. You wanna look at your notes, you wanna prepare. Finally, I give one of these to the tour manager. He goes, well, folks, looks like we gotta get those seats filled, all right. He scoops them all out of there,

he puts them right in the front row. They all have little hats that say Mark and a flag and a pennant. looks like we gotta get those seats filled, all right. He scoops them all out of there, he puts them right in the front row. They all have little hats that say Mark and a flag and a pennant. And I had the worst show I've had in a while. I was off, I could see them. I went to Barcelona too, so this is my first hour in, I don't know, two, three weeks.

So you're kinda like, where am I, how do I open, what's my thing, do I have any Baton Rouge stuff, where am I? How do I open? What's my thing? Do I have any Baton Rouge stuff? Should I talk about my family? I was in my head. And then you're like, man, I'm super dirty. I'm talking about cleaning my ass out. I'm talking about eating ass.

I'm talking about sex. So I was all over the road, big bomb. Then I go back to the green room covered in sweat. That was tough. They all come in they go ah That wasn't bad. What happened there? You said that wrong? What does ghastly mean? It was all bad, and then I had to go dinner and get dinner with the folks. That's the worst and These parents they fuck you people don't realize that so much economy. You just want to be

fuck you. People don't realize that so much of comedy you just want to be anonymous in a weird way. You just want to be kind of out there doing your thing because it's work. It's work. You're at work. They think it's this big party. They're like, where's the whore and the coke and all this shit? And you're like, I don't know. I'm just telling jokes but I got to prepare. And they think it's a big party and then they come to the show and then they want to the show then they want to go out after then you need a little time you need to you got to save it all for the show I think it's hard for people to realize that them like loved ones that it adds pressure a layer of pressure of course there because

you're thinking about them like are they comfortable right what are they gonna do after where they gonna park they don dad doesn't know how to drive. My mother gets nervous on pavement. Nighttime, I get a little nervous on the weekends. That kind of stuff. So I shot my half hour in Boston. I would never do it again ever in my life. And now I'm doing town hall at the end of the year.

And Canter's wedding is the night before. So my parents are like, this is great. We can come to the show. And you have that thing of like, how are they going to get to Midtown? Yes. Yes. But I'm learning through years of therapy. Like you got that's their adults. Yeah, you figure it out. Figure that out. They do that. And you want them to have a good time. But then there's little things where like, I'm doing a hock to a bit. And I looked down and my mom's like, what's hoctua? What the hell's hoctua?

Is that a Native American thing? And I'm like, oh, this is brutal. They don't know what hoctua is. And then I'm like, why am I talking about hoctua? I don't know. And then you have dinner. And they're like, my mom's like, so what's hoctua? And I'm like, that's about a girl who blew a guy.

And she's like, he blew a guy? I'm like, well, he's on the man on the street. She's like, she blew the man on the street? I'm like, well, he's on the man on the street. She's like, she blew the man on the street? I'm like, ah, Jesus. Well, at least they ask. At least they ask and they go, what was up with that bit? That's true. My parents have never asked about a bit of shit or a clit.

Well, I don't think my mom knows where the clit is either, but I do think, I don't think she cares about like, what's your comedic process? I think she's like, what is this thing everybody's laughing at that I don't know about? So it wasn't about me, but whatever. And then here's the bad part is you do the dinner, you get the food, and my dad's one of these guys too. He's like older, so he's gluten intolerant, he's vegan, he's alcoholic, he's this, he's

that. So he's like, does the beef barley have cream in it? And the guy's like, I don't think it has cream. He's like, well if it has cream, I'm ruined. You gotta ruin my whole night. The guy's like, I don't know about the cream. And so you're like, dad, just get the beef barley, we'll see what happens, I'll pay for it.

Picked up the check, which is a weird feeling with the parents, and then they leave, and you have that like, whoo, I call the openers and we just drowned ourselves in vodka because you know, you got to like, you got to decompress after that. You really do. And it's strange. And this is my goal as a parent to not be the kind of parent that my kid is like, oh, yes, you know, know, you wanna have, cause some people have relationships. They have that. They hug and they high five

and they give each other noogies and they fist fight and they're just talking about their lives. Yes. It's like beautiful. How about these kids who are not kids but these children of parents and they go, mom, I'm having a rough day, this happened. And mom's like, oh, tell me about it.

I would never have a rough day and call my parents. No, In fact yesterday, I mean I don't want to get too personal here, but yesterday I was on the phone with my mom and talked to her in a while and I was telling about the date, the food fighters. I was like, we went on a day and she goes, oh there's no reaction. She goes, hold on please. And she's leaving in the middle of the story. Oh wow. She goes, sorry, sorry somebody was calling me. Anyways, so yeah we got to go to the thing. Never ask in the middle of the story. Oh, wow. She goes, sorry, sorry. Somebody was calling me anyways. So, yeah, we got to go to the thing. Never ask for the rest of the story. Yeah, that's a bummer. It's devastating. Yeah, it hurts. You're just like, all right.

Well, fuck that. Fuck me. You feel like you're bombing. Yeah. I mean, I told you, I went to the Louis tour. I went to 17 countries on a private jet, came home, called my mother. The phone call was 90 seconds long. Wow. I was like, all right. They still don't know what Paris looks like. Wow. It's crazy.

But what are you going to do? Mine is similar but different. It's, hey, I went to 17 countries and they're like, he pays for all that? I'm like, yeah, yeah. He's the headliner and they're like, do you pay him back? I mean, that feels like he's spending a lot of money on you and you're like, well, he picked me to open, huh? He picked me! And they're like, well, that's thousands of dollars. I'm like, yeah, alright, I'll see you later. This is really went a different way.

Yeah, I hope that, you know, I do better. Yeah. We'll see. Did your agent book that? No, he picked me. So what does your agent do then? They booked me on other stuff. Not as good as that though. All right. I'll see you all in hell. I'm jealous of that though. That's a question. You're getting questions for God's sake. The questions turn the knife. They somehow make you feel worse. Right. I'm getting the silencio. It's like, they're mad at me. I'm like, all right, well, every story I tell, I bring up.

I'm like, check this out. Right. And they're like, eh, tell it to the audience. And I'm like, all right, well, whatever. That's fascinating, because yeah, we're both getting fucked in the ass, but in different dicks. Different holes, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, because you're getting no questions. I'm getting questions that will lead to pain. You're getting just pain. Yeah, I'm getting, I'm getting questions that will lead to pain you're getting just pain yeah I'm getting about I remember when I told my mom about the Emmy win and she was like but you still don't have health insurance yeah yeah well ago let it slide that in there no I was saying because it was whatever it was I know and she was like and you won that silver award that we got oh yeah yeah but she was like you don't have health insurance, whatever. I was like, I forget. Yeah, I got an Emmy!

Nothing is good enough. I know. And health insurance is a fucking rook. I never have, I don't have it. Still don't have it. Bullshit. I want to get it for the baby, but those babies are expensive. Those collars are funny. All right, where are you gonna be there, Dick? be there, Digg? This is Rockfield, Illinois. It looks awesome. Look at this. That looks spectacular. Put about three stick figures in the front row and that'll be what we're dealing with. That's going to be great. They'll drive down from Chicago or whatever. Alright, well the big one, November 9th. I'm going to be plugging the fuck out of this.

Town Hall. We sold a few hundred tickets the first day Excited but now we got to sell several hundred more. What is it? 11 hun 14? In the middle of a festival, so it's a it's a it's a big it's a tall order norm Berg Norm Berg November 9th town hall New York City. When does this episode come out? August 5th it it looks like. What do I have? I have SideSplitters coming up very soon.

Hey, Tampa. Hold on, Tampa. Florida. I can't wait for that. Holy shit. Great club. Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? I got Luke Monas with me down at SideSplitters. That's my fucking favorite place on earth. Good club. That's,

oh, Magubies this weekend. I don't wanna forget that. Mag's, oh, Magoobies this weekend. I don't want to forget that. Magoobies in Timonium, Maryland this weekend. Tampa side splitters August 22nd through the 24th and then September, I'm going insane. It's Oklahoma City, the fifth through the seventh. Portland Helium, the 12th through the 14th. Indianapolis Helium, the 19th through the 21th. Oh Indianapolis helium the 19th through the 21st Skank fest, of course

then October Philly Helium and then 17th of the 18th Royal Oak, Michigan 24th of the 26th Madison, Wisconsin That's insane. How much I'm on the road one two, three three four five six seven weeks in a row great clubs too child that's a fuck-up all right anyway so yeah come on to those please hey Richmond Virginia Carpenter Theatre on the 9th then a Carolina Theatre in Greensboro North Carolina Anaheim, California, Thousand Oaks. I think one of those has already sold out.

Count Basie and Red Bank and Redding, PA. Then we are going to Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, open for Jim Jeffries. I'm at the St. Louis Fox Theater, Orlando, Florida, Fort Lauderdale, and Portland, Oregon. I love Portland, great crowd. So yeah, that's just to name a few. Coat.

When are you in Portland? August, late August. Why, what are you thinking, Fettig? I'm there in September. Oh, wait, no, so am I. September 27th. Oh, I'm there. I'm in Portland.

Friday. Before that. Go punch up live slash Mark Norman, punch up live slash mark norman punch up live slash Joe list and Queef it up get on the patreon about to do a bonus right now Some big news dropped on the bonus that uh, you know if you get on the patreon you can see stuff early Yeah, you get the news early. The inside scoop. Yes Big news. Yes big salad. So thank you folks, we'll see you in hell.

JJ, you want to poke anything? This guy's got every special there is. What special haven't you directed? Well... Alright, great, even better. God bless you. Thank you folks, praise it all on Queef it Up. But you must.