Tuesdays with Stories! - #566 Mouse vs. Roach

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

We're racing to the studio, ladies and gentlemen! Joe's having train issues, Mark's having flight issues - it's Planes, Trains and Automobiles 2024! Joe has a full-diaper to deal with in a kooky bathroom, and becomes a McDonald's hero in the wave pool! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 10% off of therapy with BetterHelp. Head to https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just... Alright, we're live! Here we are! Everything we just said would get us kicked out of society. You got that right, sorry. Please delete the files. Yes, yes, if Kamala gets a hold of that we're ruined. I don't trust Chuck as far as I can

throw him. That is very little trust. That was my bad knee Ed, you shouldn't be throwing anybody. I mean easily by the way they could have sent back. Bad knee. That's true. That's gold. Rooney! Chuck's got a he's got a field file on us. Oh yeah field file where'd you get that one? FF. Field is FBI and files also FBI but I don't think they go together. No it didn't fit. There's the field... Field mouse. Research. By the way speaking of mice we've had many legendary mouse stories here. That's true. Which every time I'm on, I saw a woman dressed exactly like Minnie Mouse the other day. What? Black dress, black tights, white shoes, waving. Keep her away from the kids. That's no good. But anyways, so many, many mouse tails. That's of mice what? Lifestyles. Danger.

Because behind you, there's a fat gun right behind you. So come home. Duck tails. Woohoo! I was out in Gig Harbor for eight days. We'll get into that later. What a time. Is that on the other side or this side?

That's Tacoma. OK. Just south of Tacoma. Wow, you're really jet setting. Oh, I'm jet setting. The baby's been on 14 flights. He's Tacoma. Okay. Just south of Tacoma. Wow, you're really jet-sitting. Oh, I'm jet-sitting. The baby's been on 14 flights. He's got to be in platinum status. Wow. He's been more places than Chuck. That's true. Chuck's been to the fridge more times. I'm just kidding. You look great. By the way, if the people don't know, Chuck is not even remotely overweight. It's just fun to call him fat. Let's not get crazy remotely.

Well, maybe remotely, but he's a small guy. But hey, this building's not helping. They're giving out free ice cream in the lobby. What a treat. Yeah, I walked right by. Ooh, that's good willpower. I don't have it. Good will hunting.

So I came home after nine days gone, and I'm shopping around, we're looking around. I fucked my wife, I fingered the baby, I take a shower. Two days go past, I hear Sarah from the kitchen go, ah! I go, what, what the fuck? And she's like, the mouse is dead in the mouse trap. Oh, I thought she saw a photo of you. No, she's on the counter, the mouse is just in the counter, beheaded like this, and it's

like right next to the stove and the, what do you call it, the cutting board. Ah, the cutting board. And she's like, now I can't cook, we gotta throw the baby out. That's true, it sanitizes, no wait. Desanitizes. Desanitizes, desantis. And you're like, oh, there's just a carcass,

but it didn't smell, so I think it might've been fresh. Maybe it was the day before we got there, or the morning, or something. Is it in the slammermer the trap? Oh, yeah Wow, it's little dead body just hanging off. No head. Oh, I went OJ. Oh, yeah, just out Man, but it's fun feeling, you know, you're like, all right, we got him. Yeah, I guess so But it does it does there's a stigma in the area. It's kind of like, ah, there's a dead guts all over here. Yeah, so I did, I feel like a real man.

I had back to back man things. Oh, hit me, Fatty. So, well, it was the dead mouse, so I took a plastic bag and went, like made a glove out of it, and then you pull it inside out. Woo, but that's tough, because you feel every inch of it.

Well, I just managed to grab the trap. Oh, good move. So it really touched the thing, but it gives you the willy dirts, because this party that thinks it's going to be like, ah! Of course inch of it. Well, I just managed to grab the trap. Oh, good move. So you don't really touch the thing. But it gives you the willy dirts. Because there's a party that thinks it's going to be like, ah! Of course, of course. And come alive. Yeah, we've seen enough horror movies. So I pull it inside out.

I tie a knot in that, put that in the trash. I come back up and Sarah's like, could you open this? She had an old vanilla jar. Vanilla? Yeah, vanilla she cooks. I see. Just a vanilla cum. Oh.

Which I killed for that, by the way. Yeah, that coming a jar. I didn't know that do they have chocolate come so it was true I think that's black people So it was too tight. So I went God pulled it off and gave it to her and I said hey Let me know if you need to suck a dick cuz I got one right here sister. There you go Well, they say 68 percent of lesbian marriages break up. I think it's because no jars are getting opened. Interesting. It's just two women in a kitchen going, you do it. I can't, you do it. And there you go. Now they can't have jam.

Some of the lesbians I'm seeing, I think, could open a jar better than you or I. I'll tell you that. That's a good point. That's a good point. A lot of them in woodworking and firemen. Haircuts. And WNBA. My friend, I've talked to him in 20 years. There's a comic named Harrison Stebbins. Big Stebb. Boston, old classic New York comic. Stebbfather. But he had a great bit about homophobia and he's like, I think homophobia exists because he's like, can we find two hot

lesbians to show the people? He's like, every time you see a pair of lesbians, it's it's butch Cassidy and the sundyke kid That's great you got butch right in there then you threw dyke in at the rear Sundance Sunday I'm just right there for everybody. But that's a good that's gold. That is kill. Where's this guy? Where's old Stebby? I think he's in Boston just living his life. Probably still killing keep doing it step I mean you you but you you blew half his material probably right there. Oh, he's got to have more than that. He's been doing comedy for 48 years. Very funny guy. So what'd you do? You got rid of that mouse and see this thing? I got a cat. I haven't seen a mouse in 20 years. Yeah, that's pretty good. My down-store neighbors, Steve Rogers, Steve Ol' Big Nick,

and Caitlin Palufo, they got a couple cats. And so every time we see a mouse, I think, why don't we grab the cat, just throw him in here. But I think, I gotta tell you, and I'm not trying to disperse, because it could be multiple hypothesis, we never had a mouse until they moved in. Now, did their cats drive the mice out from under the ground into our apartment?

Or are they, because they're a little messy from time to time? There's a pizza box in there. Or maybe it's just causation, causality, casualty, whatever. Well, I think here's my prognosis. Hypothesis. Hypothesis. Thank you. What is a prognosis?

Prognosis. Prognosis negative. Negative. That's like the, this is the deal. Prognosis is we're getting divorced and my wife is gay. Oh, okay. Well, fingers crossed. I knew it.

Yeah. Well, okay. I think there's a mouse in a building usually, but they're not gonna go into their apartment so they come into yours. Yeah, that's what I think. Yeah, but we get one a year, almost like clockwork. It's one per year

We kill it within a couple weeks and that's it. We get the roach you ever get a big fat Crunchy roach you definitely have more roaches than in Manhattan than Queens, but we do get them Yeah, the roach is bad. It's sometimes they fly was crawling across the the bar on the shower Who has that joke about when a roach flies? So that was an old joke of mine. Was that yours? Yeah, when a roach is bad, but when a roach flies, it's like when a woman starts crying, you're like,

you win, you keep the house, I'm leaving. That's good. Yeah, it never worked. I think there was another joke though. I think Dave Wade or somebody had a joke like that too. Dave Wade. It wasn't about women though. It was something, I don't know, I can't think of it.

Well there's not enough flying roaches in this town, so no one got it. Right. Yeah, roaches, would you prefer a mouse or a roach? That's the question. I go roach. I think a mouse can scurry, it can go up places and under stuff, it can go in your shorts.

A roach is, it's got no mobility, it's. But a roach can crawl in your mouth and you eat it. Yeah, but it's not getting there. It could. Ah, maybe if I'm asleep. That's what I'm saying. I see. Well, we eat eight spiders a year or a day or something.

I thought that was men. I don't know, but I know I used to live in the village on Bleecker and I could hear mice under my bed at night. It was horrifying. Oh. So you just sleep like this, like a starfish, because you're like, oh my God, I don't want to move.

Maybe they'll run up here and sniff me. Rad is the worst. Well, Rad is crazy. That's no good. But roaches, because roach, there actually are tons of roaches. If you see a roach, the whole family, roach is a bug, it's an insect.

I heard too that a roach, and this could be an old mouse tail, duck tail, but roaches can live off a human thumbprint for like a month. Thumbprint? Yeah, like the grease of a thumb. What? That's all they need to sustain. No.

So like a crumb is like a footlong. Yeah, that's a Thanksgiving din. Wow, that is terrifying There's always that one guy when you kill a roach it goes That means you got 9,000 more right? It's like migrants by the way, how about take a guess? We're in Gig Harbor, Washington speaking of footlongs Nephew wants a footlong we go we get him a footlong sandwich Guess how much it cost a foot a subway from subway. Now I want to add he got extra meat which cost three dollars. Okay. And that's it. All right. All right. Foot long extra meat so plus three. So whatever you think and add three. Take a guess. Can I ask the

meat because tuna and cold cut I believe is a different world. I think it's chicken. Now keep in mind the song five, five dollar foot long. I don't know how long ago that was. Eat fresh. Fuck kids. I don't know how long ago five dollar foot long was. Take's about $22.50 foot long? $22 foot long. $22.50. Wow! Is that unbelievable? That's worse than Jared Fogel's actions. $22.50. That is cuckoo bananas extra meat Wow, so it's about 19 before the meat added yes Wow Can we get an ad reading on that? I eat that every day. It must have been 2011 2012 Yeah, I'd always get a meatball sub same thing, but same so it's quadrupled. Whoa What a what a country in flash I

mean $22.50 foot long sub man minus three but still a $19 sub that's wacky now I'm on board with Matthew Crooks looks like it started in 2008 and it was phased out between 2011 to 2015 depending on the area okay so but in my mind because they hit you with that so many times, five bill foot long, I'm still walking around thinking, if you want we can get a $5 sandwich. Yeah, yeah, this is worse than that submarine that sank with the five billionaires. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, you need to be a billionaire to get a sub. Absolutely, 22 motherfucking dollars. That is wacky. Holy shit. Well, you know what's also horrible is this crowd strike.

I got fucked again on flights this weekend. Oh, tell me about it. We'll get into that. But you start checking alternate flights. They're like, hey, you should start looking. They give you that one. Like, hey, things are looking kooky at the airport. You should start dating again and all this.

And you're like, wait, what? Oh, no. OK. So now you start calling people. Like, hey, Southwest. What do you got and they up it? So what originally was like a hundred eighty one dollar flight to Chicago is now 3,000 right and you're like you come guzzling Nazis. How can you rape us like this because they they got the surge I hate the surge. I prefer Mountain Dew Lucky I they got the surge. I hate the surge. I prefer Mountain Dew. I'm so lucky. I flew again this

week and managed to avoid all the outages. But I did have a very long line in Seattle, which was frustrating because they have the, now you've got to print your own bag slip. Oh yeah. I have to check bags now. Once you have a baby, you got to start checking bags, which is annoying as fuck. Damn it. Yeah. That's a big change and I'm in line and one of the kiosks is down And then you have the thing where everybody's cooking and moving you go up you drop the bag drop the bag And then there's one fucking asshole. We talked about this all the time Yeah, it's never taken me longer than 10 seconds to do anything at any station exactly And then there's a guy you see the lady on the phone. What's the ladies on the phone? You see this?

It's like you're fucked. Oh, you're out because the guy's trying to check in she's got a call the main boss and go hey I got an asshole here he fucking packed his tits and his yeah his dildos vibrating what do we do exactly so the line you just watch that line just stretch out and you should be able to throw pears and cabbage at them like William Wallace. Well, I hate to be this cum guzzler, but the customer is always right. You remember that whole thing in the 90s? Oh, that is out. Customers left.

It's bad. I mean, it's no good. They look at you funny. How about this guy? You're up at the counter. You're in line a little bit. There's a lady at the counter. You're waiting to get to that counter.

There's another counter with a guy just doing this shit. And you're like, oh, are you open? He's like, no, no, I'm off. And you're like, well, maybe could you not sit here like a weird counter mirage where we're all just hoping you just clock in immediately. We can get this shit moving. Go have a donut in the back.

Yes! Shove a fucking eclair in your asshole. Yes, please, and film it. And film it and send it on over. I just had this in Hotlanta. I rented a car with Wayne, Matt Wayne, not Bruce, and the same thing where there's three people working the counter, long ass line,

and then finally it's your turn, so you start walking the counter, and the guy just, he leaves. Oh yeah. And I go, all right, so we walk back. Then a second lady, she frees up, I start walking that way, she leaves and I go, everybody just leaves. And she goes, sugar, I've been here for nine hours. It's time for me to go home. And- Asian women. I'm sure it is time for her to go home. It's not her fault. She's been working here all day. I get it. You've been working nine to five, whatever.

But where's your replacement? Yes! This is a job, you're at work! Where are the workers? Get somebody else in here! We don't do that with comedy, you know? You go, hey, he's not here, so we're just gonna put a broomstick up here. No, you get another guy to fill in! Yeah, you bring him in. Hey, here's your next comic.

Yes, here's Michael Richards, or whatever you want. So that's annoying. It's a resembling of the bar back. Remember the drinking days when you're out in that bar, it's jam packed, there's people waving money. It's like a cockfight. They're like, please, bartender, come here.

And there's that little Mexican guy back there, and he's just standing there. And he's mopping up some shit. And you're like, hey, could you get me a club soda and vodka? He's like, oh no a bar back and you're like what you're standing there, right? You're there Especially if it's like a bud light just the top. I think the top off Who thought you put the bomb on I'll take the bottom off. How about this speaking of travel nightmares? This one? This is hot off the press. Oh, baby

So, you know me still the same. same OG, but I've been low key. I like to be early. You do. I'm an early guy. I spend a lot of my time just roaming around the building trying to kill time because I got there too early. I don't like the stress of being late. Kill time.

It makes me psychotic. It's a scary feeling. By the way, you see that crack on Miko? Oh yeah. That guy's vicious. Yeah, that Pang Dang line really hit me right in the taint. Yikes, I'm ducking. We love you, crack.

You're our guy, baby. I like crack more than Hunter Biden. What? Who do you go after? Well, we'll talk later. I don't want to get it, because he's going to be jerking off to this. He's terrifying.

He's licking his chops right now. He's going to do you next, Chuckster. You better watch out. But any farts. So I leave early, we're podcasting at 1P. I leave the house at 12P. It takes about 30 minutes to get here. Sometimes 25 minutes. If you get the trains come. Sure. Queen's to midtown. I take the end, 39th Avenue. Maybe I shouldn't give away my location. 39th Avenue, Queensborough. That's true. my location. 39th Avenue, Queensborough, that's true. Lexington, that's three stops, then Express, one stop. I'm four stops away from here.

Do you transfer or no? Transfer, get to the four or five. Oh, God, at the Grand Scent. I can get home in 20 minutes, I'll tell ya. All right. So, I'm on the train, I leave at noon, I'm thinking I might have time to go to the gym. Do a couple curls for girls, maybe a couple crunches,

maybe stretch. There you go. A gym is where people go to exercise, Jack. So, I don't know why I'm picking on you today, it's fun. So I leave, I jump on the train, I don't jump on the train, I jump on the platform. And you see, you can already get, there's already an air of mischief.

Yeah, it's tensions in the air. You can feel it, right? Yes, you know something's afoot. And if you're not a New Yorker, there's the little sign that tells you how long to the next train, and I got a little yellow triangle next to mine with an exclamation point. I see. You see an exclamation point anywhere, forget about it. Bad news, 9-11 had one too. It's saying, hey! Yeah. You're fucked. Yeah, open your anal, baby, because I'm coming in. And again, if you're not a New Yorker, there's three sets of tracks, one in the middle for

Express, that just shoots right by. That's right. And so here comes the train, I see it, here comes the judge, just rumbles on by. Oh! And you go, well, that was probably Outlier. Okay, good book. Then the next train, are you seeing the distance? Here it comes.

And that just rumbles on by. And I go, we're fucked. I text you guys. I'm like, my day is ruined. Yeah. Two more trains roll by. No announcement. The train is full. The platform, it looks like Schindler's List.

It's just a full platform. And don't you just immediately hate the mayor? Do you go to that? My brain goes right to Mayor Adams. I go, what are you doing to me? I don't you just immediately hate the mayor? Do you go to that? My brain goes right to Mayor Adams. I go, what are you doing to me? I don't think of the mayor. I just think of the city as a whole. You fucking piece of shit. Shithole city. It is a whole. Yeah. It's horrible. I can't wait to move to a different part of the city. But I won't need, it won't take me so long. Yes. And so then I go downstairs and now I'm ready to,

I'm one of these guys now. I'm a and now I'm ready to I'm one of these guys now. I'm a Karen. I'm going to go chew out the person downstairs saying, why don't you make a fucking announcement? Yeah. The booth is empty. There's a little clock that says back in five minutes. What is this? Norman Rockwell, the 40s. Oh, I go up. I look in trying to look for someone to yell at. Yes. Lady goes, can I help you? And I go, hey, I've been waiting 20 minutes. Is the train stopping like this? She's like, they're not stopping. They should be stopping. Oh, yes, they most definitely should be. But they're

not. She pulls up her phone goes, huh, yeah, it says they're coming up. And then one goes by that time. And she's like, what is the hell is this? No trains. And then announcement comes on and goes, Ladies and gentlemen, the train's not running. And she goes like this, what the hell is this shit? They wait 20 minutes to make an announcement, I can't stand this crap. Now she was the lady I wanted to yell at,

but she's allied, allied herself with me. Yes, she's aligned. Yes, and I go, it's a pain in the ass. She goes, it's horrible, the city's horrible. But I'm'm like but I wanted to take it out on you you whore. I know but can I just say that this might be a move this might be a work. Possibly a work. Yes because I've had this before where your girlfriend's mad at you or something and she comes in hot and heavy ready to really give you the business and you go yeah that was bad oh that was a huge mistake yeah I fucked up and then

like damn it he's going with it. Right. You just lean in and now she's a victim too. It's kind of a smart move, but I don't know. I'm not saying she did it, but if she did, I get it. Well, to be fair, and I'm gonna get 40 messages. I wasn't really gonna snap at her, but she's... She is just working for the city.

They don't know. They haven't given her the, I'm sure if they gave her the announcement, it's not like she's like, I just working for the city. They don't know. They haven't given her the, I'm sure if they gave her the announcement, it's not like she's like, I'm not gonna announce it. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, of course, of course. They just haven't given her the info. The city sucks, it's a shithole, the MTA sucks.

By the way, the MTA isn't run by the mayor, it's the governor. Oh! They always say that, which is crazy, which makes no sense. Even worse. It doesn't make any sense. Hokel.

Because the governor of New York has to govern the gun crazy finger leg people. Oh, and also the MTA. Yeah. It's no good. It's too much. You got too much on your plate, sister. Yeah. It's so wacky. So anyways, I had to jump in a lift and then this is the last thing. Get in the lift. I wave them down. Hey, lift me. I jump in. It's one of the vans with the automatic doors on the side. Oh yeah. And this guy, like it's point break, just takes off with the doors open still.

Oh geez. We're doing like 30 miles an hour, I'm like, sir, I'm like hanging out, like I'm on a Vietnam helicopter and it's just slowly closing and I'm like, I was gonna Karen him too, I'm like, one star, you piece of shit, but then by the time you get here, you're over it and you're like I was gonna Karen him to yes one star you piece of shit Oh, yeah time you get here. You're over it and you're like, yeah, what are you gonna do? I love the smell of Muhammad in the morning, but actually was Asian. Oh, okay. So it was napalm

Anyways, that's it. All right. Well, let me just say this I used to have a bit that never worked about how wouldn't it be nice if the airport hired a guy that you could just yell at? Because, you know, you go up to the counter and they go, sir, I don't work for, I'm just a guy at a desk. I don't work for the airline per se. I'm not a pilot. Stop yelling at me. I didn't cause the weather.

And you're like, I know, but I got to get this out. And it never worked. I really thought there was something there. That should be a Jewish guy. They caused the weather. Maybe that's an angle. Interesting. You get Ari Shafir in there. Hey, be a Jewish guy. They caused the weather. Maybe that's an angle. Interesting. You get Ari Shafir in there, hey what's with the clouds you piece of shit?

Apparently, what are you, an anti-Semite? I'm like, no, no, I'm just mad about the clouds. Right. Or maybe it's raining, it could be Native American. Stop dancing, you son of a bitch. Hey, now we're getting somewhere. This could be something. Try it again.

This could be something. All right, I'll try it. Have the racist component to it. You needed a racial angle. Okay, that's something. All right, if it's late, I'll yell at the black guy. All right, so If it's got a small dick, well, all right you get it Hey folks Tuesday's of stories is brought to you by better help

How are you supposed to be there for others if you're not even taking care of yourself first better helps online therapy can help They're trained licensed therapists can teach you positive coping skills, how to set boundaries and how not to forget about what you need to do to be happy. Their whole system is entirely online. You can meet with your therapist, whatever and wherever works for you. So it's easy to fit it into the busiest of schedules. Boy, that's big. I mean, you're talking to two

queefs who run around town and, you know, jump on the train, you get held up by a guy whacking it, then you got to go to therapy just for that, your Uber shuts down, you get caught in traffic, whatever it is, it's brutal. But get on BetterHelp. It's great. The travel is the worst part of therapy. The rest is all gravy. Therapy is not just for people with major trauma. Everybody can benefit from getting things off their chest. Fill out a quick questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. You can even switch therapists in any time for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com

therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Tuesdays today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelpHELP.com slash Tuesdays. Did we talk about long legs in here? A little bit. Okay, never mind. I just want to rant about the food situation in these eating theaters. I think we talked about it. I think we did. I'm moving downtown. It's going to be exciting. You know what's exciting is Jason Katz hit me up last week and goes, I got tickets for

us going to see Deadpool the night it comes out or whatever it is, Monday night, me and you, Alamo draft house, drinks, food, bring the wives. And I go, I don't want to. I mean, I can't think of what I'd want to do less. See that stupid movie with 85 year old Wolverine. Does it make any sense by the way? Isn't this whole thing he regenerates but then Hugh Jackman is 79 years old. Well he's not Madonna. He's not reinventing himself. He just has good healing. He still ages. Oh he does. Yeah I believe he ages. Why can't he heal his wrinkly

skin then? Like if he can get stabbed. I don't know that much about Wolverine so I'm probably wrong here. I don't either. And I feel like that nigger is gonna yell at me. Yeah. I believe he can't he heal his wrinkly skin then like if he can get stabbed I don't know that much about Wolverine. So I'm probably wrong here I don't know that nerds are gonna yell at me. Yeah, if he gets stabbed and his skin comes together Why can't it smooth out? That's good question. It's Chuck. Good question. You listen to this bullshit I don't know if aging is part of the the wounded process. Yeah, it's different. He ages slowly All right. Well, whatever. The movie sucks and Cats, I mean, it'd just be pitching a specialty the whole movie. Well, here's the- We could shoot with five cameras.

That's true. We'll put it on YouTube, Netflix, 1080 Pro. Wolverine's going to do comedy now. We got the claws. By the way, I had a comedian email text me last night and go, hey, is this guy crazy? And they sent me a long email from Katz. I was like, he's not crazy, he's the best in the biz. He just likes to type and talk.

Oh yeah, you gotta zip it, Katz. Cut everything you're gonna say, just cut it in half and then move on from there. Yeah, and your diet. That too. Oh, you're on a fat shame today, baby. Fat shame express. Choo choo. JK and LOL and Katz is the best. Oh, you're on a fat shame today shame Express

Jk, and lol and that's the best now. He's a good egg and a hell of a filmmaker But all three of my specials there you go and fourth maybe we'll see oh You better zip it fatty, but It was a big it was a big step just because I knew what I usually do is I go Oh, maybe that sounds like something you start kind of ruminating. Yeah, Deadpool. Hey, I'll go out with cats. We'll bring the wives. We'll maybe get a head. We'll have a burger. We'll have a beer.

And then I realized what's going to happen is that date's going to show up and I'm going to go, oh, I'd rather sit at home. And I just cut it out immediately. Cut the leg right off. Well, the thing is, and I've said it before on here, a psychological thing, if there's something that you don't feel like doing today, you're not gonna feel like doing it later. That is, boy that's good. That's why you shouldn't get married. Very wise, yes. Or have a kid for god's sake. Yeah, kids, you know, we got the baby on the way. Kids, you ever think about this? If kids didn't have to come out of the womb at nine months, I bet they'd hang out. 100%. Yeah. The fact didn't have to come out of the womb at nine months, I bet they'd hang out.

100%, yeah. The fact that they have to come out is good. Wait a minute, that sounds gay. But you know what I mean? I feel like if a woman could go, ah, give her another week, she would. Oh, I see. No, the woman's ready to get that thing the fuck out of there.

The woman don't want anything to do with that anymore. Maybe. By the time it ends, they're ready. It's like death. You can't imagine dying now. You don't want anything to do with that anymore. Maybe. By the time it ends, they're ready. It's like death. You can't imagine dying now. You don't want to die. But by the end of your life, if you live, die from old age or even like horrible cancer, you're like, it's enough already.

Yeah, true, true. But I used to have a, you ever had this one where the guy's like, can I live with you three weeks? I swear to God, I'll be out in three weeks. You go, all right, I can do three weeks with this guy. And then six months goes by and you're like, dude dude you said three weeks and then they get mad at you they go alright you fucking landlord geez I don't remember you being all bitchy and cunty what happened to this and bad that we were friends and you're like three

weeks you lied to me yeah you've had this yes okay with Chuck yeah we gotta get into some. I got a bunch of stories here. We gotta get into it. Where have you been? Let's go. Not too eventful, except for I went to Rockford, Illinois, fly to Chicago, get the rental. No, wait, Corbin picked me up. Drove to do the gig. Gig was great. And then he leaves, go to get a rental car, drive to Rochester, Minnesota. Oh, right, Rochester. I'm out of cities. I'm going to the Bible Belt and the Rust Belt and the Beltway. What's Rochester famous for again?

We tried to figure this out last time. Mayo Clinic. Is that right? That's where the big mayonnaise is. No kidding. Oh, yeah. all. It's a sad place. I mean, there's a vibe in the air of like, oh, I really love some fentanyl. Right. Mayo Clinic. Is that just a medical clinic in general? Is that all cancer or all? It's all rehab. It's the

drug addict, the alcoholics, you know, these folks. Yeah. So Mayo Clinic, big bummer. But the town is just so bleak and sad, like, you get why everybody's O.D.ing there, you know? Right. And it was in a weird warehouse. We had a Jehovah's Witness show next to ours. Jehovah's Witnesses do shows? Yeah, big convention. No kidding.

Like the RNC, but the WPCNC. Yeah, and good times, but the show was great. And then of course, everything's on schedule. Wake up the next day, get my flight. Eight hour delay. Ah. Eight hour. Thank God for the lounge.

What would we do without the lounge? Eight hours. Is that Sur surge or what is that? That was just, hey, we don't have a plane right now. Uh-oh, the pilot got diarrhea. Uh-oh, we can't find a crew. And they just kept doing the incremental, which is way worse because you're just sitting there like, uh, ah, uh. It's like edging. Right. It's like the butterfly effect. That one plane gets a flat tire so then that plane can't bring the dead head so then the next flight doesn't have their dead head. Exactly.

So they gotta find a new Jerry Garcia. Right. Touch of Grey. Mickey Hart and all that bullshit. And then it just sets off a whole chain reaction. And you do feel for the airlines, but it's like you said, none of them, they're all like, well, my flight didn't take off so I can't do anything about it. reaction and you do feel for the airlines but it's like you said none of them they're all like well my flight didn't take off so I can't do anything about it I know but you start turning into like a stock market guy because now I'm looking at the board I'm like okay a lot of these are delayed my flight now leaves at five this one leaves at three let me try should I buy that one

or is that one gonna get delayed worse and then I wish I'd kept the other one. So now I've bought like nine flights, I spent 10 grand and then the original one went first anyway so I had to cancel all the other ones. It's like Home Alone, dangly ones. Kevin! It is, and then every decision becomes questioned. They're like, well we can fly you to Des Moines and Des Moines to LA and you're like, all right, maybe,

but then they can't help you. Those are moments, I just want to be like, just make a decision for me. I know. Just tell me what to do. I'll do it. That's where having a good manager, no offense comes in handy because I'm like, dude, it's Sunday. I'm sorry to bother you, but can you help me with this? And he's like, I'm on it. And he's looking at flights and you go, boy, I feel bad for this guy, but you pay up 10% son of a bitch. You got to earn it earn it right yeah, that's good Yeah, so I got home at about 1030. I was supposed to get home at 2 Brutal that sucks good shows though good shows totally had a good time. It was very worth it, but yeah, that's just and you know

Look, I'm at the airport. I'm in the lounge. I'm eating croissants and Chili I'm like What's there's what I'm doing here and at my house now. I hate to be the's there that I'm doing here at my house? Now, I hate to be the, I have a kid wait for this thing, but once you fly a couple of times with the child, anything without the child, any delay, you're like this, well, whatever. Yeah. I told you, McCusker, I talked to him and he was like, yeah. I talked to people that fly without kids. They're like, I had a six hour delay. And he's like, alone? What'd you do?

Read? That's true. He's like, I'm alone. I'm in the airport with a three year old and a five year old for six hours. Yeah. Good point. It's, it is that the fly with the baby is really swinging two bats. Right. You go by yourself.

You're like, I can't believe I ever was concerned about this. You got your feet up. I'm fucking the, you know, Sky Mall magazine. Well, I'm taking your advice, fatty. I am living we're going to Mexico I'm going to the Kings of Leon concert at Forest Hills We were doing all kinds of going to New Orleans all kinds of fun stuff Yeah, you gotta live by the way skank fest might be heading to New Orleans. Why? That's right

Hey, well, I champion that all the way. So let's get it happening. Go, go. Oh, and skank fast. I can't wait. That's going to be fun. Vegas. I don't love those rooms, but as a fest, it's fun. And Vegas, you mean? Yeah. Yeah. The standup is tough, but we got some big stuff cooking, by the way, big stuff on the horizon for the Tom Dustin doc. Tom Dustin doc, big, huge things happening. I think it's going to be at Skank Fest. It's going to be at a couple other festivals. Can't announce yet, but it's coming.

People are like, when's this going to come out? Well, we had to, you know, we had to fix all Salacuses footage. Oh boy. Uh, one of the worst, but uh, it's going to be exciting. And then we got a final cut. There's gonna be emotions, laughs, everything. Oh yeah. And it'll be in some big festivals, big places. So get excited, get ready for that. Can't wait, that's exciting.

And I wonder if Ari will do the shit talking show again. Oh boy. That got a little spicy. Yeah, I'm terrified of that. Yeah. I'll be gone for that. Well, let me give you a couple things here. I had quite a journey.

So I went out to Seattle. I was doing the crocodile. Have you done that room? Yes, I have not, but I've heard it's a hot one. It's beautiful. It's upstairs at this other room called, you know it? Hide and seek or touch and go or? Ah, diddle and fiddle.

I don't know. Fuck. What's it called? Could you look that up because it's going to bother me. Crocodile Seattle. There's a club downstairs there. A comedy club? Yeah.

Oh. And it's small. And evidently, I didn't realize I was doing the big room. The crocodile, it's down below the crocodile. Let's see. So they got like a big room and a small room. Yeah. I see.

Is it Madame Lou's? No. All right. The Here After? Here After. Yeah, that's what it is. Here After. So it's called Here After and I guess it's a great room or whatever. But anyways, we did the Crocodile Rock Club and we set it up because Sara was doing Tacoma Comedy Club Friday, Saturday. Perfect.

It happened to fall on my nephew's birthday. So I said, hey, we'll go out there as a family. I might as well pick up a Thursday in Seattle, which is kind of a different market than Tacoma. Oh, very different. So I love both, but I think I prefer Tacoma over Seattle, by the way. Oh, as a city or as a crowd?

As a city. What? Yeah, I'm telling you. Well, Seattle went haywire downtown. That's true. I mean, it's it's worse than I don't know the last time you were there, but it's worse. It's bad. A lot of fentanyl and white dreadlocks. I mean, it is **** bananas for only a couple blocks. But I mean, like Derek was driving through. They were throwing stuff in his

car. Literally. Whoa. People in the streets. I'm talking like a block from Pike Place. Wow. It's insane. So what are you, not to sidebar here, Fetty, but what's going on with the California? They just cleaned up the city again. They did? Well, they made a law, like, hey, we gotta do something about this.

And then now they're starting and you're like, well, why now? Why not six years ago and this was all going down? I think it was an experiment or something. and then finally people were just like, hey, we're going to vote for someone else, I guess, I assume. I guess, yeah. Eventually people go, enough of that. You know, everything swings and flows. Yeah, but when the Ji Jing Ping or Kim Jong Un or whatever his name is, Pang Dang, when he came to San Francisco, they cleaned it up in one day.

They scooped him up, yeah. Yeah, so I'm like, what is that? So you can do it, but you choose not to, and then you hear about how much is going into homeless. Like, $1 billion was spent last year on homeless. You're like, on what, buying them tents? Where did it go? I don't know, it's a tricky thing, I don't know.

People are like, we should ship them out to the middle of the desert, and I'm like, that doesn't sound that crazy to me. I think we have that. It's called Burning Man. Good point. So anyway, Seattle's wacky. By the way, Tacoma has a bunch of grime and grit on it too.

But I love both cities very much. But anyway, so I set up the Crocodile in Seattle. I don't know that much about it. It's a 300 seater rock club. And I said, that sounds great. Evidently, it's like a legendary club. I heard it's co-owned by one of the members of Alice in Chains. What? Which interestingly enough, I was wearing an Alice in Chains t-shirt that day, but I was like, ah, this feels too on the nose. So I changed it, but then it would have been

fun. Yeah, kooky. But any farts. So we did the crocodile, sold it out, and you show up and it's always exciting to have a show, sold out, whatever. And we're staying down in Gig Harbor with Derek's family and you kind of don't want to do the show because you had the long travel day with the baby and he's in this climbing, grabbing, babbling, wants to stand, wants to reach around and all that stuff. So the flight is long. Oh yeah.

Get there, we there having a great time and you're like all right now we got to drive up to Seattle the traffic's brutal but let's do it I'm exhausted we get up there and you show up we had Taylor Clark open. Oh he's a sweet boy. Great guy we miss him and then Sarah's featuring Derek drove up I said Derek can you help me sell these shirts I got a new shirt that's selling like a hot cake. Hey, all right, what's the shirt, fatty? That's a Picasso shirt, I won't give away the bit, but it's fun.

Okay, okay, that's a good bit. So we get up there and you walk in, it's just beautiful room. It looks like one of the venues from Almost Famous. I just hear, I listen to the wind. The line around the corner, we get out of the car and everyone's go, there he is. It felt like a real concert. You know, that's lunch. And I'm waving and going, Hey, how do you do? Don't touch me. Yes. And take a couple of photos. Then I had this one, the guy that messages last minute. He's like, the show's sold out. I'm a, I'm a 20 year gay and anything

you can do for me. And the manager was right there. And I said, Hey, can I get one guy in? He's like, sure. And the guy was blowing me and he was the nicest guy. The worst when you do that and it's some piece of shit. Yeah, that's true. And he's like, hey man, maybe we could hang out. This guy was all buttoned up and we just went, thank you very much, that was really nice. And I was like, God bless you.

Good egg. So the show, I mean, this room is beautiful. If you ever wanna do a tune up for something big or if you're doing a smaller thing, trying new crocodiles, the spot. All right. What was it? Three, three hundred. Oh, perfect. So it's a nice little payday and you can fuck around. It's very intimate.

I mean, I was bringing the heat there, but it was it was a lot. I mean, I fucked around a little, but it was just a killer, killer night, magical night. One of those shows you finish and you got the green room, your best friend, your wife, your buddy, nice chunk of chant, we did a long meet and greet. Everyone was so fucking nice and friendly and cool. I got some nice gifts. So a lot of shirts and you just go,

whoa, what a life we're leading. It's the best, we're very grateful. This is unbelievable, and we really have the best fans. Online, they're fucking horrible. But in person, nobody, they couldn't be better. Nobody better, and we have it made, we got it made, and that's the other thing, is everybody, all these comics who are doing well,

they keep wanting the next big Apple. What's the next thing I can grab? Do I do arenas? Do I do movies? You gotta just be happy. I mean, I thought I'd be working in a cubicle or hauling garbage or driving an Uber. We're doing comedy, sold out rooms,

meeting people, getting gifts, getting aids. We're living. That's beautiful. It's a beautiful life. So I'm on the flight in, got the baby. He's got a little poop in his diaper I'm just taking you know, you know what you want to you don't want that going on because everyone hates you Yes first class so you don't want to you know, oh

Shitting up the FC you don't want to shit up the FC. So Sarah look pulls back the little thing goes It's just a little one. Don't worry about it. I say well, I'll grab them. I got the I got the aisle seat I'll walk around with them. I take them so I grabbed the diaper bag okay little dick poo ah also he's a baby all right and I'll grow out of it so I grabbed the diaper bag I go down now the first-class bathroom we're in row one which is nice okay first-class bathrooms right here it's got the red occupado now get you about I'm gonna say 20 minutes I go what the fuck is going on in here. I guess I'll go back to the loser bathroom

Yeah, which is half the size by the way, right? But I'm like someone's taking a shit or hung themselves or something's going on in here Sure a little Vince McMahon. So I go. All right, I guess I'll go to the tiny bathroom because something's occupied here. I go back to the little bathroom, open it up, you close the door like this. It's a little tiny, foldy door. Oh yeah, I know it will. So I close it, got the baby. Now I turn around, I locked the door so the lights come on. Yes. I turn around and sound like Borat just then. So then I, I turn the door so the lights come on. Yes. I turn around and, you sounded like Borat just then. So then I- Yes, my wife.

I turn the backpack, catches on the latch, unlocks it. Lights go off, now the green thing's on. So I gotta turn around and- It's like Mr. Bean. So I lock it again. I'm like, okay, there we go. I turn around, catches again, unlocks, lights go off. Geez. I'm like, like fuck so I can't

Wrangle the thing because I'm holding a child be the while he's crying right that poo and he hates me Oh, man, trying to wriggle and wrangle. I keep clicking it off and clicking it on wow outside going Let me get in there. Yeah, you're in or out you piece of shit It's going off and on and maybe they think you're having trouble getting out. Oh, I'm having trouble So finally I wriggle the fucking thing off. Whoo, get it locked. I'm like, all right, here we go. And it's this bit, it's the size of this chair.

Yeah. So I pull down the fucking diaper changey thing. Yes. And he's a huge baby. This kid is, I mean, it's massive. Quite a nugget. So I put him down. Now he's upset.

He's crying, but like, okay, here we go. Let's get to work. Open the outfit outfit open the diaper Sarah doesn't what the fuck she's taught. She's got to get her eyes checked. This is a full blowout It looks like a Clydesdale shit, and then someone jumped on it for a while Looks like someone took a Clydesdale shit to Cold Stone Creamery. Oh, yeah, mixed it all up You got a real smash burger. It's up his back, down his hamstrings, in between the toes.

And I'm going, oh my God, I'm gonna be in it for an hour. So I take the diaper, I pull it off, I squinch it all up. There's no trash. There's no trash barrel container. So I'm like, where the fuck is the trash? How could there be no trash? And I go, all right, I'll figure this out later. I toss it in the sink for now. Okay, the sink is automated

And now I have a blowout diaper with a pound of diarrhea wet And the poo is coming out of there. So I go, ah, I'm like I'm like Kramer in there. It's like a gremlin It's gonna a gremlin. It's gonna multiply. So I take that, I push it to the side, it rolls down in. Swish! Swap!

I'm going ah! Splashing everywhere. I'm like John Ritter. I feel like Lucille Ball. That's a lot of people I just named. Yeah. Finally I put it off to the side, I'm like, where's the fucking trash barrel?

You fucking cunt, how is there no trash? I go back to him, I'm wiping, everything I wipe, it's just more and more poo. I keep putting it on the counter, but it falls into the faucet. The faucet goes up. The lights coming on. Jesus. Finally I get them all smeared.

The whole time he's crying and wiggling, I'm trying to hold him in, the shit on my chest, Sarah's and mine and his. This should be a haunted house. Forget about the ghouls and the goblins. Give me an airport bathroom with a baby shitting. Oh, it's a goblin. And meanwhile, I just picture Sarah's back in her first class seat going, Oh, what a kooze.

She snoozes in or whatever. Everyone's outside the bathroom now being like, sir, hello. Oh no. And I go, I got a baby in here, step on it. So finally I get them all wiped up. It's all pipes. I got a pile of wet shit and wipes that fall on the ground, they're everywhere. I closed the diaper changing station.

The trash is underneath it. That's why I couldn't find the trash, which is a bad setup because I was going nuts. So now there's a trash. I got to get the white diaper, stuff it in there, and there's shit everywhere. I'm scooping up the niblets, putting them in there. that faucet is sure I get a diaper wet but it's not great for hand-washing no it's not any poopoo off of that that hand hand especially I got the baby so I'm doing that I can't really wash so now I gotta bring them back with poo in my hands I put them back I go that was a fucking crazy nightmare and

the first-class bathroom is still says occupied so I asked the flight attend I go hey what's going on in here? It's been closed for 20 minutes. She goes, oh my God, I think I locked that a while ago during takeoff, I just forgot to unlock it. So she just goes, click, the whole time. It's like a Cadillac in there. I could change Chuck on that fucking changing station.

Jesus, right, heavy duty. I mean, if it was steel reinforced. Of course, of course. I don't know, I'm sorry. You need a couple pylons for that one. It's a really good time. Chuck, are you mad at me? I'm just goofing and trooping.

All right, crazy. That's also like the, it's like the subway lady, you know? She's like, oh, that's, what can you do? Isn't this a bitch? And you're like, oh, I wanted to yell at you. It's, it was crazy, a crazy situation, but we got it done. And then once you get it done, you feel like you've earned some points.

I'm like, all right, I'm taking a nap. Yes. I'll see you later. You don't know what I went through. I was in the shit. It was, I was literally in the shit, but all fun, all gravy, great memories. And I got a couple other things if you want to hear more.

No one tells you about it with the baby. The lights on, off no bath no garbage can shit getting wet under a sink this is all the wacky stuff. It literally was like a Buster Keaton It was like yeah And there was no way to turn without clicking it off It's uh it's it was Wild at least you can as a comedian you can see the comedy that. I feel like some other guy would be like, what the fuck, everything's going wrong. And you're like, this is crazy. That's funny. Well, that's the great thing.

We've said it many times before about a podcast is the whole time you're like, well, this will be interesting. This will be entertaining. That's the story. Even today with the train, you're like, well, we'll talk about this. That'll be something. Right. Which is a good way to look at it. Even if you don't have a podcast, you go, this is a story to tell. It's an experience. Good point. Yes yes spin that yarn. So I got a couple of things but you want some more? I just want to say bouncing off of that that's what's so annoying about AI is you know people say AI it's gonna kill artists and music and comics and all that because it's gonna pump out all this creative art but what's bummer about AI is we had a weird childhood, your dad won't hug you, my mom's gay, all that,

bedwetting, who knows what. We had to go through a little trauma to make this art. You know, Kurt Cobain is depressed and he put a gun in his mouth. That's why he was so good or whatever. AI just pumps it out without getting diddled. Yeah, no AI is bad and scary and I don't like it. Yeah.

I think he stinks and I don't like him. Exactly. I think he stinks, and I don't like him. Exactly. So where are we going to do with all the trauma? Well, AI, maybe AI will just create trauma. You type in a poem from traumatized homo. That's a good point. It goes, ah, I was beaten and got a wedgie when I was in eighth grade.

Right. Well, I got two more. I got all family fun now. The whole show is going to be all family fun. I feel terrible. We're going to learn. I need to learn. I know we're going to lose all the viewers. And then I fucked a fat woman. Yeah. And a wheelchair. It was crazy. We landed that plane. The flight attendant had a big fat ass and a small dick. And I said, how'd you like a reach around from someone with herpes?

And they said, yes, please. Hey, fuck her in the ass you're already covered in dookie. Who cares yeah so we go to Tacoma which is you know next to Gig Harbor it's essentially the same town. Well it's a different town but you got to drive over the bridge so we use all the accoutrements. It's like living in Queens and you go to Manhattan. Gotcha. Tacoma's Manhattan. Got it. Wow. First time that's ever been put together. So we go over, there's a pool. My friend Eric and I have driven by for three years. It's a big wave pool, public wave pool. And every time we drive by in the winter, we're like, we got to go there. In the summertime, we got to go there. So finally it's time. We're going. So we got Derek and Erica, their two

kids, Brooke and Joey, me, Sarah, the baby, lock, stock and barrel. We're going. Now I got to get some swim diapers because we have no swim diapers. Swim diaper? You need a swimmy diaper. It's got Finding Nemo on it. It's old thing. Oh, I want one. So we go drop everyone off and I go, I'll go get the diaper. You guys get in line. Now it's first come first serve okay like my asshole yes yes so I'm like all right I'm the dad I'll go find the diapers but I'm nervous I'm gonna get shut out because it's first come first serve it's 80 degrees Pacific Northwest is only 11 sunny days a year yeah it's a big fun wave pool I can't wait to get in there and you're like all right also I'm fucking starving because I had breakfast four hours earlier, the whole thing.

So I'm like, let me go find the swim diapies. So I go to Safeway, that's where they have them. I go there, I'm doing the thing where I'm walking up and down the aisle 300 times, looking at every single diaper, Huggies, Nestle, six months, eight months, no swim. And you feel like that babbling boobily, tin-owling dad being like, is there any? Can I use duct tape and cotton ball? Yeah, exactly.

The guy in the commercial pour an orange juice into the toaster. So I ask a woman, I'm like, hey, I'm not seeing swimmies. You see any swimmies here? She goes, we should have them. She's one of these people. We should have them. And I'm like, I know you should. So she's looking, she goes, I don't see them either. You're not crazy, which is all I want.

She goes, yes, the seasonal stuff, which is one of those things where you're either. You're not crazy, which is all I want. She goes, check the seasonal stuff, which is one of those things where you're like, they're not in the seasonal, I know it. Seasonal's like foam fingers and what do you call this? The noodles. Ah, I love a pool noodle. So I go over there, it's goggles and noodles and lawn chairs.

I'm like, why would they put the diapers, not with the diapers, but with the pool noodles? Yeah, it is swim. It's swim, but I'm like, they'd be with the diapers but with the pool noodles. Yeah it is swim. It's really but I'm like they'd be with the diapers. Yeah true. So I looked at coloring books this flip flops this my father's asshole and I go all right I got to get out of here. So then I go to the counter. I love this guy by the way. I go to the help counter I go you guys get sweat because I had to buy a formula too. So I go which they have behind the counter. I go let me get some formula. And what do you know about these swim diapers?

You don't have them. They're like, we didn't get them in this year. They go, but there's another Safeway about two miles that way. They should have them. OK, now we're helping me. And I go, all right. And then the guy at the register goes, by the way, he's like, they have them at Rite Aid.

Oh. He goes, right down the street. Just go to Rite Aid. That's lunch. I love that guy. That's lunch. I love that guy. I love that guy. You know who that guy is?

That guy's the guy at the restaurant who's waiting tables and you go, what do you know about the cream of mushroom? And he goes, we all jizzed in it. And you go, thank God you told me the truth, I appreciate it. You get that guy at a restaurant every now and then. Yeah, then I go, give me a large, I want to put my mouth in it. So I go, great. Pour it on my back.

And it was, he sacrificed himself. Cause this is the man at the GM over here. Whoa. And he really gave me the right hand, he's got it. Cause I'm like, I don't want to go to another safe way. It's down the street, whatever. So I go, all right, I'm going to write it. Thank you. And I kept it quiet. I went, I said, thank you pal. I go over to write it. Now I'm on the goose chase. And it's 12, 20. I go, are they going to let me in? It's a long line. It's a pack. No one's responding because they're pushing each other in the bushes down there. Sure. Having a time of their lives.

Sure. Peeing in the wave pool. Go to Rite Aid and I go over the diapers. It's all ransacked. Rite Aid is just, I don't know what's going on with Rite Aid. It's wild down there. It's a thunderdome. They have AIDS, I think. So I go there. There's one thing of Swimmies left and I just snatch it up. I go, I got the Swimmies baby. I hurdle the gift cards. I knock over the greeting cards. Yeah, smashing grab.

I go up, I said, give me the Swimmies and I get this lady. So what are you up to this week? And I go, I'm going swimming with a baby. I'm a pedophile. Give me the fucking baby balloons. Let me out of here, you fucking bitch. Yes. So, oh, you gotta go to the pool. Well, next time you go to the pool, I'm like, they were in line, they're not gonna let me in. First come, first served.

I got a shit, that's why I bought these diapers. So now I get the diapers, get in the car, and I'm gonna rip ass over to the fucking pool. Yes. To get there, first come, first serve, and what do I see? Those beautiful big golden arches. Oh no, you got tempted by the siren of Mack. Just blink blink, blinkety blink, and I go, I'm like Kramer with the hot dog.

Yeah. In line, I go, well I think I can hit a quick McDonald's because I'm starving Jerry. You can't swim in an empty stomach. They tell you not to do that. It's the gyro on the platform. You had to have it. So I shoot over there. I say, let me get a double quarter pounder.

I'll woof it in the car. And then I think, well, the kids are probably hungry too. Everyone's hungry. I say, give me four large french fries. Lay them on me, sister. Wow, now you're showing up with bearing gifts But are they gonna let me in the pool with the food That's the question, then I gotta throw four large fries away

Yeah, you don't like that. Eat them myself in the parking lot, but I'm going for it. Give them to the homeless so they're all surrounded in the pool. Oh, they're everywhere they're bathing in there No, is this a public pool a water park? What are we talking here? It's a public pool It costs eight bucks for an adult. I don't know what it costs for kids. I know eight bucks is I went by myself. I didn't get by myself, but I met. So this is a weird thing. So I get to McDonald's, beautiful. I hit the double quarter pounder in the car, got ketchup all over my face, park in the parking lot. There's no line by the way, because it's a two hour session. So people show up, I think a little later, people on vacation. I walk out now. I'm nervous. I'm by myself. I'm a 42 year old

man with a big giant bag of McDonald's. Yeah. And a backpack. I couldn't look more pedophilia. I know. And this is a strip club for a pedophile. You pay eight bucks. You see kids shirtless and wet. I mean, this is a, this is peppermint rhino or whatever the fuck it's called I'm carrying bait. I got a bag full of french fries And maybe a happy meal in there. So I walk up and I go One please and she goes you got it eight bucks Man so I go great and I said I'm meeting my family's in there. I'm not a weirdo and then that's weird She's like, what?

Yeah, yeah. No one else is thinking about pedophilia quite as much as us, I guess. It's me, you, and Chris Hansen. That's about it. So I give them the eight bucks. I go in and this place, I almost shouldn't talk about it. I don't want to give it away because people are gonna be flying in from all over. Sure. I walk in, they let you have food. No problem. You can come and go. Uh-oh.

So, I'm like, this is the best situation ever. I walk in, they let you have food, no problem, you can come and go. Uh oh. Easy. So, I'm like, this is the best situation ever. I walk in, I'm a hero. I dump out four large fries to the kid. Everyone goes crazy like, he's a hero, this kid. I go, here's your swimmies, here's your french fries. We put the diaper on and it's a big, massive wave pool. What's the last time you were in a wave pool?

Katrina, I guess. It got a little hairy out there. It was me and the dresser. Well, it was unbelievable. So much fun. We brought the baby in, the kid. And you realize, first you think go to the deep end because the waves are fun, the deep end. You realize after a couple rounds of waves, the one foot area is the best because that's where they're breaking. So you're getting like pummeled down there and the kids are getting crushed, they're swallowing water.

Plus the foot area is where the tits could pop out. Which they don't. Oh, little Janet Jackson. You're hoping for a little wardrobe malfunction, which I thought it'd be fun if there was like a little painted area. This is a possible tit area right here. Oh yeah.

They're getting nail, they're getting whooshed. And I was right up in there, a lot of hot moms in there. Hey. Plus my wife and so that was fun. You know you got to act like it's not, you're not looking for tits. You're like oh my god where's the kids? I gotta look around for the kids. Is that uh fun? Your kid's so young. Is he getting it? Is he understanding this is fun or is he just like I might die out here? Well, there's also a splash pad. Uh-huh. And then I took him to the very base

and sat him between my leg. Oh shit, that water. That's why you need a lid. Uh-huh. So I put him like here. So at the very end, it's just like a little whoosh. It's coming up to like his belly button. Oh, okay.

He went crazy. I mean, you can't just stick him in there, you know? Yeah, yeah. Well, good for him. He's living. He loved it. And classic. My niece and nephew, they went crazy. And all of us were in there.

All the adults, I think we had more fun. And then you start making friends with kids, because there's also this big, giant bucket. You ever see this thing? It's up in the sky, and it fills up with water. And eventually, it fills so much it tilts and dumps like 50 gallons. I have said that's a blast blast and so all the kids start gathering around you sit underneath the bucket the machine's broken control it was very fun

Flint Michigan has no idea what we're talking about. It was the most fun of my whole life, and I swear to God I'm moving there. Final answer. Tacoma it is. I'm back to Tacoma. Somebody make a montage of all the places you've said you're moving, and we'll see what happens. Well, I got like four years to really make it big.

Yeah. And then I'll just have a house here and a house there and I'll fly private back here to do the pod and then just shoot back there to my home. That sounds reasonable. Yeah, maybe you can come. We'll do the pod on the plane. Then when we land, we're free to go to the wave pool.

We can do four on the plane. That's not bad. It's a six hour flight, basically. Yeah, so downtown for now. All right. Buh. Tacoma permanently in a few years. Yeah, so downtown for now. Alright. Tacoma permanently in a few years. Maybe a condo in Belmar. We'll call it even.

Belmar and then Kenny Bunkport. Don't forget that. Alright, we're making a little cabin out there. Yeah, I'm going to want that Red Bank place too. Oh yeah, Red Bank's alright. And then Austin, you've got the family there. And then LA, you've got to be at that place in LA. So I've got to buy like six houses. But housing's cheap right now.

That's true. Yeah, we're in a great economy. Everything's working out. Who knows what's going to happen? The country's in hock. And, you know, comedy's booming though, at least. Yeah, I think it might be on the downturn. But we'll see. You think so? Well, I don't know. I don't know. I'm a little nervous. It is scary. But with the election, I feel like Twitter is just on fire. It's just meme after meme and joke after joke. And I think we're okay. Either way, whoever wins left or right, there's a lot to talk about. Yeah, there's a lot to talk about. It's good. What scares me is the podcast making fun of comedy podcasts get more views than comedy podcasts

That's a little unsettling. That is a bummer. Yeah, I'm on it. I'm in there. I'm like I know I jerk off to all of them. Yeah, so we're in a good spot because we're not big enough to really be in there But we're also not small enough to we get all of it. Yeah, so So not small enough to, we get all of it. Yeah. So, uh, you know, we'll see. Yeah. What are you going to do? But you guys are here. We appreciate you join the Patreon for fuck's sake. Cause Lord knows they're going to uncover a lot of these podcasts. Oh yeah. It's all going to hell. So, uh, join the Patreon, a Patreon. We've been kicking ass on the Patreon. We do a bonus every single week consistently an extra 30 minutes plus the behind the scenes video, all the live apps that everyone hates. Incredible. The live apps are incredible. All the behind the scenes at comedy clubs

and green rooms and jumping around New York city. It's all gravy plus the old shit. So who the hell knows get on there. It's a, it's worth it. Best Patreon in America. And we're doing another. Oh, I think it already passed. Never mind. We did a live one two days ago. Oh, yeah. Uptown. I heard the clubs great. Yeah, it's killer. And then most importantly, for the fuck's sakes, my mother's asshole town hall. Oh, shit. November 9th, Town Hall, New York City. Please, for the love of Christ, go get the tickets. I'm about a thousand short of selling out right now, but we got three months. Yeah, you got plenty of time. And it's a festival. People love a festival. Yeah,

there's a billboard around the city, which is fun. Whoa! Yeah, that's exciting. I'd like to see that. Me too. I haven't seen it. I heard about it. Town Hall, and this weekend, SideSplitters, if you haven't already it, I heard about it. Town Hall, and this weekend, SideSplitters, if you haven't already got your tickets, get them. That will actually sell out, so please go get those tickets. SideSplitters, BT, my man, and September's Crazy. I'm going to Madison, Skankfest, Oklahoma City,

first time working in Oklahoma City. Whoa, Nelly. And a bunch of other dates coming up. Philly in October, Helium Philly, that will also sell out, so come to that, and yeah, big shows happening. Big shows. We're cooking. I'm going to follow us on PunchUp, PunchUpLive.com slash queef anal jizz. I'm coming to Mexico City and Guadalajara. Went down there with the wife last year. I got so many twos gays on the street that I said, book me a room, dickless.

And so we're going back down there and we're going all over the road. We'll see you at hell. Chuck, what do you got, fat man? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, and thank you to the Two's Gays that came out to the live show in Providence recently. That was very nice and sweet.

We had a great one and that'll be up on the feed soon. And also grab some of the new Fun Bearable shirts. We sold out about half of them in a week so we have about 75 left. It was really good. And yeah, new episode is up with Derek Furtado, a comedian from... Oh, I love Furtado. He's great. I haven't seen him in 25 years. He's living here now. He's in Brooklyn.

Oh, nice. Yeah, so that'll be fun. Funbearablepod.com. That's Nellie's brother. Thank you, Chles, and thank you everybody. We love you, we appreciate you. We're grateful. And subscribe and like and don't be so mean online. Yeah, be nice to everybody. Getty up, we'll see you in hell. Weep it up and praise Allah.