Tuesdays with Stories! - # 567 Live at New York Comedy Club w/ Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: August 20, 2024

Mark and Joe had to New York Comedy Club for an intimate live show - and Ari Shaffir peeks his beak into the room to join the boys around the 35 minute mark! We're talking Famous Amos, the time Mark almost killed his mom with a milkshake, Joe's family having fireball shenanigans and a post-show hang exclusively on Patreon! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays and get on your way to being your best self. - Support the show and try BlueChew for free. Just pay $5 for shipping. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com

Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! It's Tuesdays with Stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to say. Got a great show. You ready for a great show? Alright guys, from Tuesdays with Stories, Mark Norman and Joe List. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories.

I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories. I'm going to be the host of Tuesdays with Stories what I'm for. Got a great show. You ready for a great show?

All right, guys, from 2000 Stories, Mark Norman and Joe Lasky, guys. Hey, comedy, huh? We're really doing it. Hey, alright, yeah. Okay. How about that? Here. Too much. What a room.

Boy, it really booms. This is nice. Gramercy's never sold out. This is taking me back. Boy, remember we recorded the lost episode right over here? Oh yeah. In this room, it was right after Louie got canceled.

We did an episode and we just went off. What happened to Louie? The TV show was on FX, it got canceled. Oh great, all right. He's fine. But yeah, we sat over there. I don't know why we were down here. Yeah, I think the room was taken.

The studio was upstairs and we just went crazy. We were like, women suck, men rule. I like to rape people. We went crazy and then as soon as we finished we were like, we can't release this. That was insane. Oh, I got two mics. That's fun. Yeah, the old EPs were pretty wild there.

I mean, you know, the old ones and we had to be like, we can't put that out. Oh, yeah. That's bad. Yeah, yeah. We still have one recently where we fuck a bunch of retarded kids. We kept that in. So, just imagine what we took out. Boy, how did you guys hear about this?

I didn't promote this one time. What happened? How did you guys get here? Maybe the club has an email list? Oh, one time? Did I say that? Oh, I didn't even know we had the gig until right now. I was late. They're like, where are you? I'm like, at home? What do you mean? Mark's like, there's a line around the corner. I'm like, where? I don't, but here we are. Yeah. I thought the line was for kill Tony.

I was confused. But here we are. He's doing well, huh? Tony? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing okay. Doing quite well.

Well, you know, if you're gay in Hollywood, it's pretty good. All right, now, just kidding. He lives in Austin. Is the audience mic'd? Because we always kill and then all you motherfuck gay in Hollywood, it's pretty good. All right, now, just kidding, he lives in Austin. Is the audience, Mike, because we always kill and then all you motherfuckers are like, the live episodes are shit, we hate them, we hate each other, we hate ourselves. Does any of-

Videos of everybody smiling. We should put the camera on these motherfuckers smiling. Yeah, Chuck, get a video on the audience. Oh, you got one, all right. Hey, this guy's the one guy not smiling, and he's front and center. What the hell? No, I'm just kidding, sir.

You were great in Alice in Chains. Well, you know... And also every other band in the 1990s. Silver Chair, the other one. Oh, yeah. They were fun. We got to bring the heat. This is... If I get one more email saying the live episode suck, fuck you, don't ever do them again.

Well, Sarah's a real bitch. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Nothing to do with the email. I don't know why you're bringing that up now. Oh yeah, sorry, sorry. Good point. Just terrible.

Good point. Hello mother. She'll be good soon. Um. 53. Um. Popcorn. Oh, they serve popcorn here. Always bad when dead soon. Um. Just 53. Popcorn, oh they serve popcorn here. Always bad when you're bombing, you just hear.

Grrr. Many years of that. One day I wanna get to a place in comedy where there's no blender. You hear that, you're bombing, you hear like, mmmmm. That's a bitch. And then this one.

Shk, shk, shk, shk, shk, shk, shk, shk. Now that's Louie. Um. Um. Um. I think that would have been less of a problem if he was jerking guys off behind his shoulder. They wouldn't have cared.

Well it reminds me of my youth. We used to, me and my dad would sword fight, and he would put his cock right over. He was like, he was knighting me like a king. Yeah. Wait, he had a urinal or just like at breakfast? At the house, we would pee together. It was like a father-son thing.

Well, that's sweet. Actually, it was a little salty. Oh. Are we getting this? For fuck's sake! That's funny. These people. But we gotta tell a story. Do you have a story? Uh, well, I got, I don't know if it's a story, but I got a bone to pick.

Alright, pick it. I think that's a Bobby Kelly Paul Verzi podcast. They're still doing it? Yeah. No, well I got no sleep last night I know I'm talking to the new dad here. That's alright. People get mad about that. They go, oh you lost your hand? I lost my arm. Well the hand still sucks to not have. Yeah and you should empathize so you know. Yes. You know what it's like to lose a hand. Good point. You hear that, minorities? All right, so... No. Uh, no.

But, so... We got a cat, Greg. Big, fluffy Maine coon. Watch it. Sorry. That's what they're called. And, uh, the cat... We can't let the cat in the bedroom at night.

You gotta keep it out, because it'll walk on your face and cut you up called and the cat we can't let the cat in the bedroom at night you got to keep it out because it'll it'll walk on your face and cut you up and do all the cat stuff you can't sleep sounds like a fun pet yeah it's great everywhere else you just can't let that fucker in the bedroom at night and it got in and we couldn't it went under the bed we couldn't get to the cat so I I go, all right, fuck it, it's two in the morning, we gotta go to bed, I got a big day tomorrow, we gotta go to bed. 2.45, the cat shits on the bed and licks my ass

and bites my ear and scratches the lady, he killed the newborn, it's all ruined. I don't get cats, I don't get it. Everything else is great. It's so, it's gay and scratchy. I see my neighbor, he's like, oh, you don't like my cat. He's all upset that I don't like the cat, which I don't understand that either.

I'm like, but I like you, so why would I just like all the things that you have in your life? It doesn't make any sense. Yes, yes, I don't like your kid. Yeah, exactly, I'm like, you like me, I don't make you wear my fucking socks and clean up my cum.

Well, yeah. Those are off the top of my head, that's not the best metaphor, and I do do that, actually. Yes, I get it. You're allowed do that, actually. Yes. I get it. You're allowed to not, you don't have to like the cat, it's all gravy. People I know have dogs.

I hate their dogs. But this thing, I got no sleep and the cat is smart. Because I would get up every like two hours because I couldn't sleep. So now I'm up at four and I would get up and try to grab it. He would go back under the bed because he knows I'll take him out. Yeah, I don't know why you want that in your life. Oh, this is what I was gonna say. Every time I see my buddy Steve,

he looks like fucking Richie Tenenbaum in Royal Tenenbaum. Like after he's all sliced up in the wrist, and that's an old reference. But I mean, he's got scratches all over his arms. I'm like, oh yeah, I was playing with the cat. I'm like, that's awful. That sucks. I think about it like needle, like the idea of a fucking human, not a playing with the cat. I'm like, that's awful. That sucks. I think about it like needle,

like the idea of a fucking human, not a human, a cat claw penetrating skin and dragging down. It's worse than chocks on a scratch board. Nails on a, I haven't slept in months. Ah. Tell me more about your cat. Chock statin. But yeah, it sucked.

So I got no sleep, then eventually I went old school. That son of a bitch jumped on the windowsill. He forgot, and I did the full on scruff of the neck. And I got that piece of shit out of there, and he's doing like that, like, when you got the cat up there, they freeze. When you said windowsill,

I thought you were gonna say you claptoned him, like, just fucking ran out the window. Tears in heaven, send him down. I tried that. He landed on his feet. Yeah. But yeah, yeah, so I got the full scruff and jazzy-jiffed that Nazi right into the hallway and gave him one of these and slammed the door. Now, what do you do with the baby and the cat?

Because the cat's gonna want to claw his eyes out. Well I've been watching some videos about this and apparently the cats get it. They go, oh he's nice, he's harmless, I'll I'll nuzzle. Okay well that's good. You gotta cut those claws every couple days. Yeah that's true. Do you do the claw cutting yourself? Well we get a guy, a guy comes in with a van and you give him the cat. It's like a pedophile. And, uh, you give him the cat, he slides the door closed. You come back in an hour, and the cat's, like, crying, and he's like, don't ask.

And they cut the nails, they cut the hair, they cut the tail, they show you, they brush his teeth, they floss him, and they, they neuter him. No kidding, wow. That's a hell of a kid. It's pretty good. It's just some guy from Brooklyn. He's like super gay, and he's kind of catty.

He's got like a cat. He's got crazy nails, and he's like, woo, sugar, you know? And then he snips that bitch up. Butthole exposed, or? The guy or the cat? The guy. Well, the cat's always guy or the cat? Yeah, the guy. Or the cat, always. Oh yeah.

Yeah, when he turns around, you're like, oh, there's that old brown eye. Wow. I'm fascinated with people that get into animal. It's just so insane. I don't understand any, like, going to like vet school to be like, all right, we're gonna start practicing

giving a shot into a cat's stomach. Oh, that's horrible. And you're just like, oh, it's like, ah! It's mind blowing to me that people want to cut the nails of cats. I'm with you. And I always say that, I try to write a bit about this, the veterinarian is the biggest animal lover of all time.

80% of their job is killing animals. Isn't that strange? I don't know about 80. Well, that's a lot. You know, it's, 80. 80 seems high. 50? I think they give pills and they do eye charts and everything like that.

I think they do a lot of stuff. I can give a cat a pill and you put it in a hot dog or whatever or my asshole. You gotta prescribe the pill. You can't just get pills off the streets. Right, right, right. I'm just saying a lot of being a vet, do we have any vets here?

Vietnam? No. A lot of vets, they euthanasia. They give it the shot, the thing twitches like a full seizure and then dies. Yeah. I don't know, this is why I don't have pets. I don't want that thing dying in my house

and you gotta be sad about a stupid thing. Will you ever had a pet? Cause it's kinda like a baby. We all hated babies, the last 10 years, oh, never having a kid, fuck kids. And now you like the kid. Well, I had, I like dogs. Dogs I like, cats are retarded.

I don't understand it. They're just, but I had fish when I was a kid. I had two fish. Fish, come on. No. That's like me getting a blow up dog. I was a kid. I had two fish. Fish? Come on! Yeah, no! That's like me getting a blow-up doll. Like, I got a girlfriend. Oh, fish is a pet. It was Mickey and Tiger.

Oh! That's sweet. I was a boy. I was like seven. Is this why you don't eat fish? Well, my mother, I eat fish. Oh, okay. I eat pussy. That's like fish. No, I eat fish all the time. That's true. Yeah, I eat fish. Oh, okay. I eat pussy. That's like, no, I eat fish all the time.

That's true. Yeah, I love salmon and the other fish. Haddock. Big haddock. Oh, haddock. I like to lay in those. So. I, uh.

All right. Hey, good hat. Haddock. But anyways, I had Mickey and Tiger. You guys know, but I remember, I liked them. My mother was also allergic to cats and shit and horses, whatever the fuck. Hedic but anyways, I had Mickey and tiger you guys don't care but I remember I liked him My mother was also allergic to cats and shit and horses whatever the fuck And I think we were poor also. I think my mother just made enough because we had no money

She was like, I'm allergic to everything but goldfish for 30 cents a piece That's smart. But I remember my mother like call and sitting me down and being like I wanted to tell you something I got a you know, let you know. I don't want you to tell you something. I got to let you know. I don't want you to be OK. She had the hand on the shoulder. She's like, we can make you mac and cheese, your favorite food, you can whatever. And she's like, Mickey died.

And I was like, oh, all right. Yeah, all right. I don't care. It was like a fit. And I felt bad that she was like, I must have been walking around all day being like, I got to give them the speech. And I being like, I gotta give him the speech. And I was like, I don't give a fuck, it's a fish.

Who gives a shit? It doesn't do anything. Yeah, and then also I had another, my sister had a rabbit, Presto. Wow. Yeah, and- That's a real pet. I mean, that's a cage, there's fur, there's poo pellet.

I know, the little coca puff shits. And Presto died, and then my sister was all upset. She was like, oh! Like a black lady at a funeral she's like fanning her yeah and after like an hour I was I was like nine or so I was like it's a rabbit I don't get it and that was like and I was in the dog house and then my parents made me go apologize remember how horrible it was when someone made you apologize? Of course, of course. Recently. Yeah.

It's just like such a bummer. You're like, I would rather do anything than walk down there and apologize. And then you look at your shoes and you're like, I'm sorry, I made funny. You're a rabbit. Yeah. Well, obviously, it's crazy. It's a rabbit who gives a fuck. But she was very upset. And but it's a rabbit. Yeah. You can't even there's not even a it's a rabbit who gives a fuck. But she was very upset and, but it's a rabbit.

Yeah. You can't even, there's not even a noise for a rabbit. That's true. It's not like meow or, I have the baby now. I'm like, the doggy says woof woof woof. And then we go to rabbit and you're like. There's not a rabbit. Yeah, they really got Bugs Bunny out of that,

but that doesn't even work. Yeah, they just. Bugs is cool, he's digging a tunnel, he's wearing a lady makeup. All the cool things. Yes, yes. And he's from Brooklyn too, he's like a Brooklyn rabbit. Yeah, was he a Jew?

No. No. Come on, you watch your tongue. Yeah, you're right. No way. He was too likable. No way, my Bugs is a Jew. Yeah.

All right, good point, good point. I never saw him go, hey, Elmer. Well, wait a minute now. I think- He's not in a new ownership, by the way. We're safe. Oh yeah. Well, it's a comedy club.

The odds are good, but I think the, I think Bugs is based off Groucho. Yeah, that makes sense. Who's the king Jew? Yeah, true. Well, he was wisecracking. I don't know, can we get a, Chuck, you're over there. Can we get a-

You gotta Google? Salacuse is already on it. He's Google bitch. You're good, Chuck. Yeah, but I don't think so. He doesn't feel Jewish. Now, you mentioned, I think women like animals. Like your sister, my lady, she's got a rabbit, she's got a cat.

My lady's allergic to cats, still got a cat. That's how much she likes animals. But the biggest one for women, horses. They love a pony. Women love horses, and I wonder if the big cock is part of it. I was thinking that. As soon as you said horse, my thought went to the same place. Exactly.

Fuck like a horse, hung like a horse. Yes, you can ride it. They are whores. Oh. Just kidding, sorry. Hey, all right. What do you got there, Google bitch? Ah.

No service. He's based on Groucho, so Bugs is a big heave! Wait, what is it? The carrot is supposed to be a standard for the cigar. There you go! But that doesn't mean Bugs is Jewish. Woo! He could be based on Groucho and not Jewish.

Look at you! Yeah, all right, that's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I don't think Bugs is... All right, Daffy seems more Jew-y. The lisp. The lisp, he's complaining. Oh boy, I think we've crossed the line somewhere.

It's kinda weird. We are in the Upper West. Okay, all right, you're right. Getting a lot of looks. Yeah. But anyways, yeah, looks like Bugs is Jewish. Ah. He's a cartoon, who the hell knows?

Yeah. Meep, meep. I always liked Wile E. Coyote, and I liked his name. It was Wile E. Coyote. Yes. That was fun, and it was just really, meep, meep, and he just ran by. That was great. it was just really a beep beep and he just ran by. That was great.

Mel Blanc was a genius. Absolutely. I like things you don't have to think about. He's running, the other guy's chasing him, he knocks him on the head. That's gold. But there's some great comedy. He goes off the cliff and then he waits there and then he looks down and then he falls. That's fun.

There is a sign that says, oh fuck or whatever it says. Well, I remember watching a Bugs where he's playing baseball and he's the catcher and That's fun. There is a sign that says, oh fuck, or whatever it says. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I remember watching a Bugs where he's playing baseball and he's the catcher and his arm extends in front of the hitter and he catches it and they go, strike!

They point and you can swing. Good stuff. And I was like, that's a good bit. Good bits. Good bits. Plus all the jab stuff. That was gold. Oh yeah.

I forgot. You ever watch those? Oh yeah. Good Lord. They did not hold back. Yeah. How about the black crows? Not the band. They did not hold back. How about the black crows? Not the band.

Remember those crows that were like three black guys? Bigly. What? This kid's 11. He remembers. Yeah, you remember that. Yeah, this kid likes faces of death or whatever. I think the black crows, they had to yank it,

because it was too on the know, on the nose. No offense, Jews, with the nose coming. But, you know. Yeah, no, I don't really recall that. I've watched a cartoon in a minute. I've got to get back in there. No, really? No hentai?

Hentai? Yeah. What's hentai? That side knows about hentai. Yeah, what's going on over here with the hentais? Women, I don't, ladies, you know about hentai? Yes. Oh, hey, she does anal.

What the fuck is hentai? It's Japanese porn that's animated. Oh. Animated porn. Animated porn, oh, okay. It's a lot of tentacles and whatnot. Oh, that's a lot of to-coles. Oh, okay. It's a lot of tentacles and whatnot. Oh, that's a lot of to calls Tentacles oh

This side is dominating over here. Thank you nine virgins over here really Thank you Boy, we really have a type don't we there's like three different kinds of guys and that's it I like it. It's sprink women sprinkled in, but yeah. Yeah, hey, bring it on. Well, once Comtown ended, we scooped. Oh, big scoop. Big scoop.

Can I tell a quick story? Oh, yeah, please. I don't know if it's a story, but to me, it was like one of these things where I'm like, my fucking head is blown to pieces, but I feel like when I tell the story, which I haven't told anyone yet, they're gonna be like, all right, I guess.

Sure, hit me, Fanny. So you might have to punch up, because to me, this is like the craziest story I've ever heard ever in my whole life. But I feel like I know stories, and this one's gonna be like, oh, okay. All right, all right, we'll punch. But if you were there, it was like,

me and Matt Wayne were blowing each other before the story happened, just nothing to do with that. All right, all right. If you were there, it was like, me and Matt Wayne were blowing each other before the story happened. Just nothing to do with that. All right. So I love Famous Amos cookies. Oh, very good. You like Famous Amos? A little hard for my taste, but I like it.

It is hard. I don't usually like a hard cookie. I prefer a soft cookie, but there's something fun. I like a cookie you don't have to bite into. You just goop. You pop it right in. Exactly, like a load you don't have to bite into. You just goop. You pop it right in. Exactly, like a load. Just all right in at once.

Yes. You chew it up, you gargle it, you swallow it. So that's... Famous anal. Just kidding, yeah. Oh, okay. Famous anus. So I love famous anus.

Famous anus. I've... That's it. I notice they're not on the market too much anymore. You don't see famous anus all that much. The mini bag. Yeah, little bag. Yeah, yeah, I've seen they're not on the market too much anymore. You don't see famous Amos all that much. The mini bag. Yeah, a little bag. Yeah, yeah, I've seen them around.

A little bit. But at their heart, are you guys seeing famous Amos? You are. What is it? Not as much. Thank you, Yannis. Greek? No famous, tans.

Same shit. It's all Mediterranean, hate women. Yeah, yeah, tans. Well, anyways shit. It's all Mediterranean, hate women. Yeah, yeah, tans. Well, anyways, I don't see it as much. I love it. And you get a hankering sometimes. Sure.

So on the highway, I'm driving back from Baltimore with Matt Wayne. We did Magoobies, great whatever. Comedy club. Yeah, it's okay. So we're driving back and it's like morning time and it's like 11 a.m. And I'm like, I'd kill for some famous Amos right now. We go to a rest stop and I'm like, I gotta hanker for famous Amos.

I hope they have it, but no one ever has it anymore. Yes. So we're walking around looking for the snacks. There's this cookie, that cookie, this cracker, this black guy, this whatever. What are you, like a CVS? No, it's like a rest stop. A fucking whatever. Rest stop place.

The one with the McDonald's, the Starbucks, and the Dairy Queen. And there's a bodega. It's like a 7-Eleven thing. Yes, yes. So I'm walking around, there's no famous Amos, and I'm like, ah, I'm not gonna get anything. No famous Amos.

As we're leaving. This is unbelievable. Oh boy, you met Amos? No Amos. Andy. No, I'm walking out, that was a whole reference. It's just, it's almost felt like a trap, like a Vietnam when you see the little,

the kid sees the stuffed animal and it blows his arms off. Sure. It's kind of funny in a weird way. Yeah. It's like, just the famous Amos bag just sitting amongst other chips and stuff. No aisle, no anything. What? famous Amos bag just sitting amongst other chips and stuff. No aisle, no anything.

Just one famous Amos bag, like an angel hovering. On the floor? No, on top of other Doritos, Cheetos, peanut butter crackers, just a single bag. It's like somebody came in and was like, and ran away. Wow, weird. And we, I picked up the bag and I looked all over, like this is crazy.

I was like pushing mad. I'm like, a famous Amos. And he said, how is this possible? Did you see that? No. The story sucks. I was looking everywhere. But don't you see?

One bag. It's lit. Pretty crazy. We went into this, the 7-Eleven, and then there's also like the independent hip cookie store, but that's where it was. So I was like, maybe this is from 7-Eleven. So we walked into 7-Eleven, we searched up and down,

up over black, white closet. Wow, boy, I gotta tell you, sobriety sounds fun. No, but I'm telling you, note another famous Amos in sight. Yeah, that's crazy. So, and then. I mean, that's wacky. So then who walks by but a gorgeous woman.

Oh. And I say, hey, would you like to suck my dick for this bag? And she sucks me off. Whoa! You see? Straight about it. She sucks me, and as she's sucking me off, I am flicking the cookies up and catching them.

Oh, wow. And another woman comes over and she says, what are those, famous Amos? And I said, yeah, would you like a bite? And she goes, yeah. And I said, well, you better suck me off too, bitch. So now I got two women sucking me off. Wow.

Swear to God. Wow, what a rest stop. And I say, what's your name? And she says, Amos. Whoa. True story. No, but anyways, there was one bag of famous Amos. That's crazy. Just a single bag.

Wild. So I took it. I went, I was like, I hope so. What if you just go, ah, that's crazy. All right, let's get the fuck out of here. But I was like, I don't know where to pay because there's not another bag.

So I was like, I'm keeping, I think this is Kismet. And I got the bag and ate the Famous Amos. Well, what does that go for? What do you mean? You stole it? I took it, yeah, because I was like, there's no other bag, I don't think anyone sells it. I literally think an angel came down,

a famous angel, and just left it there. Wow, yes. That is pretty nuts. If you were there, you'd be like, wah! It feels like a trap or a scavenger hunt or something. It was great, it was a scavenger cunt, and it blew my mind. But yeah, best bag I ever had.

Yeah. Thank you. Now that. That's a story folks. Now let's hear him say it was a bad episode. Aha. Unbelievable. Wow.

How about that? I can't top that. It's like no one can. I mean. Yeah. That's up there with the machine. I mean, that's my machine. That's your machine story. Absolutely. People are gonna be throwing bags of famous Amos at me for the rest of my life. Bring this cum guzzler a couple of famous Amos. You see them on the road. Please. We got a new thing Chipotle and famous Amos to close it out. It's Starbucks. Sure. I had

this last night a guy messaged me and he was like what do you prefer now Chipotle or Starbucks and I said you don't have to bring me a gift but Starbucks for sure and then he brought it and he was very nice he gives me the he palms me the Starbucks he's like there's 50 bucks to Starbucks and I go oh my god thank you so I said the fat black pussycat and he goes the only thing is I wonder if you could do me a favor I got a 16 year old kid here. We're dying to see the show. We bought tickets, we traveled just to see.

I got the gift card. And he's like, but they said I can't let a 16 year old in. Oh, interesting. And so I said, I'll talk to Liz, who runs the club. The GM. I text Liz and I'm like, you gotta get me this 16 year old in here cause I got the Starbucks.

Oh, the old... It's, uh... Cut that. It's, uh... Just bleep it. That way you don't know who he said. Yeah, there's a couple comics that could be, actually. Yeah, there you go.

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the the dot last BetterHealthHTLP.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it, guys! But anyway, what the hell story was I telling? You got a 16-year-old blowing you. Oh yeah, the 16-year-old. So I texted Liz and I was like, no sweat. And I'm like, you gotta help me out here because this guy just

pawned me some money and they came all this way and they're hungry and poor and tired. Sure, sure. And Liz goes, I can't let a 16 year old into nightclub. That's insane. And then I just hit in the back and never saw him again. Yeah, yeah. I'm just like, all right. Hey, your hands are tied.

What could you do? Yeah, I'd like to tie up a 16 year old. Sure. Just kidding. Boy, tying women to train tracks is over, huh? Yeah. You don't see that anymore. It doesn't have to be.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be, that's true. But I feel like that was every Tuesday. There was a woman on train tracks. That was big, yeah. What a weird way to kill somebody. It's so slow. You gotta, oh, there's a one o'clock going to Poughkeepsie. All right, I'll tie her up now and I'll get lunch.

Plus, how do you tie onto the track? There's nothing to tie to. Good point. You'd have to, because you can't, there's no, like, underneath. Yeah, that's true. And also, I don't know how to do knots. I could tie a shoe and that's it.

Don knots. I was a Cub Scout and I can't even do a knot, but I did get molested. That's fair. Yeah, I don't know, I wouldn't know how to tie the thing. Whoa, Oreos are coming around. Whoa! Can you buy Oreos here? Do wouldn't know how to tie the thing. Whoa, Oreos are coming around. Whoa!

Are you buying Oreos here? Do they sell famous Amos is the question. Yeah. Yeah. That would be something. There's a reverse Oreo over there. Oh, yeah. There's a black guy between two white guys.

Reverse Oreo. I think he's Hispanic, actually. That's like an old gag. I think it's Hispanic. Hispanic? Milano. That's not the right term. What is the right term? Octaroon?

Biracial. Jesus Christ. What am I working with Bob Dole over here? I'm curious. Is it swirl? I don't know anymore. Fusion? Who can keep up?

We just call it a Derek Jeter. Oh yeah. You know? Good times. Is our big hot guest over there? No, no. We got another five to do. Because those cunts on Reddit are going to go,

ah, it's always different than the regular episodes. Yadda, yad always different than the regular episodes. Yadda yadda you. I know, and they hate this particular guest. Yeah, well, who doesn't? Wait till you see this guy, you're gonna go, oh yeah, we hate him. Yeah, that's gonna be, there's gonna be a few people

that buy, but this is the thing, you never see the people that are so vicious online, but you know they are in here. Yeah. You know what I mean? You look at the comments, you so vicious online, but you know they are in here. Yeah. You know what I mean? You look at the comments, you look at Reddit, you look at your tweets, you look at your wife's diary. There's always somebody who's like, they suck,

that guy blows, we hate that guy, he ruins everything. That's true. And they're amongst us right now. Yeah. Somewhere they're in here, just going, that motherfucker, famous, amiss, you piece of shit. I'm looking at you, Chuck. I think it's through in the pot.

No, speaking of diary, you know, I've just been doing some research on Anne Frank for a bit. They've been taking out sex stuff. Taking out sex stuff, what do you mean? Well, she was a 14 year old girl. She was diddling, she was a 14-year-old girl. She was diddling. She was hooking up with boys and stuff. And she would write about it, and they lifted it

so it wouldn't be too sexual. No kidding. So in the diary, she's like, I blew two buddies the other day for a famous Amos. Yeah, exactly. She's like, I jerked off an SS officer. I hurt him. He said he was going to kill me. I don't know. Yeah, exactly. It's like I jerked off an SS officer. I heard him. He said he's gonna kill me. I don't know, but like...

No kidding. Wow. Good for you, Ann. Yeah. So they took it out on Otto, her dad, Otto Frank, who's like, let's lose that, which I think was smart because that book would be... It would be porn now. Like, I read that book in eighth grade. Right. Yeah, that would be spicy. It'd be hot, yeah. Because you wouldn't even think about the Nazi party.

You'd be like, hey, check out page eight. They're stuck together. Right. Right. Now is he the Otto of Otto Bonn? Is that him? A different Otto. That's the Otto and George. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. That's an old reference, too.

He was a comedian in the 80s. Yeah, yeah. Otto Bonn. Is that a guy? I don't know. It's probably automobile. Oh, yeah, good point. Bonn is like road, car road or something.

Otto, you don't hear that name. No. O-T-T-O. But yeah. Well, I was thinking about this, too, is speaking of dads, Otto. My friend had the dad who would get drunk and come home and beat him.

Nice. Like in Good Will Hunting. Yeah. You know, remember in Good Will Hunting, he's like, my dad would come home pissed drunk and he'd put down a wrench, a bat, and a... Belt. A belt, yes, a hot wheel track or whatever it was.

And he's like, I always went with the wrench. Yeah, I never got that part. It's horrible. It's my least favorite part of the movie. Horrible writing. And then- I'm like, so your dad beat you with a wrench and you're not like deformed and retarded now?

Your dad's a pussy. Like you should be in a wheelchair. Or is it too drunk? You get missing maybe? I don't know. Yeah, that part of the movie was always bothered me. I'm like, I don't understand. Your dad beat you with a wrench when you were a boy?

Yeah. And he's like, anyways, yeah, I'm just looking like this now. He should be like, my dad beat me with a wrench. Yes, exactly. He should be wheeling around, not a genius. Yes, Stephen Hawking's dad beat him with a wrench, I think. Yes. But yeah.

But anyways. But my point is, I was thinking about that in the shower today and jerking off, but I was like, why? What a weird impulse. We've all come home hammered and you go, hey, what's in the fridge? Hey, I'm gonna play duck hunt.

Hey, I'm gonna rub one out, watch porn. I never would have an impulse like, I'm pretty shit faced. Let me beat up a kid. Isn't that weird? Well, you're swimming out of your lane here, you don't have the kid yet. Wait till you get home and see his kid.

Oh, okay, okay, well. They shit in their pants, what are you supposed to do? Yeah, I guess that's true. Don't fucking let them know. Yeah, all right. You can't be shitting in your pants, you gotta, you know? Yeah, all right, well, I'll check back. But I think the dad hates, what happens is, You can't be shitting in your pants, you know? Yeah. All right, well I'll check back.

But I think the dad hates, what happens is, your wife blows you and fucks you on your birthday. The wife loves you and then they have a baby and now you're always number two for the rest of your life. Got it. Number two at best. Right. They could like their uncle and their dad

and your podcast co-host more than they like you. And then you come home and you go, you motherfucker. They resent the son, I think. And also in those days, most dads, they weren't doing this for a living. We go home, we're like, oh, that was great. We got dopamine and serotonin. These guys are roofing and plumbing.

They're cutting their fingers, they're falling off roofs, and then they come home, their wife is fat, their son is crying, and they gotta beat them with a tire iron. It's like we're not beating our kids with tire irons because we're telling cum jimms to money. Yeah, good point. And the dad maybe could have been a podcaster,

but he's like, I can't do it now because you ruined me. He could have been a radio. He could have been something. Yeah. But I know our friend, his dad must have hit him in the face with some kind of pipe because his face is all long and flat and ugly. Oh, yeah.

The nose came in though. The nose stayed. Yeah. It's a disgusting face and one of the worst bodies. And he's over here if you want to see him come on up Oh, Ari Shafir Come on get out of here look at that Hey, get out sit down you fat Jew there we go

Hey, get up, sit down, you fat Jew. There we go. You got a microphone? Yep. Now let me ask, were you beaten? Did your dad hit you with a Torah or a dreidel? One time I overslept the high holiday services. Oh, boy. I came home, I just woke up, I was like, Dad, I'm sorry. And then it was like, wop-wop.

Wow, wait, high holiday. What's that, 420? All right. Hitler's birthday. What?! What?! What happened? I didn't get a chance to eat. Oh, wow! Holy shit! Oh!

That's unbelievable. How did that even happen? How did he do it? Where did you go? Did you go to the rest stop? I'm so sorry. I know it's rude to eat on air, but what's going on? Oh.

That's unbelievable. Where did you find these? Pamus Amos? They're everywhere. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Come on. You want some, Samus? Let's see.

There you go. Let's see. That a boy, Cobain. I never touched the stuff. Good to have you. This Let's see. That a boy, Cobain. I never touch the stuff. Good to have you. This is the first meal he's eaten in 60 years. Very dry. Look at that.

All right. Pass him along. Pass him along. Famous. How did you do it? Where did they have those? What? Where did they have those?

Anywhere they know an Amos, they got famous Amos. Wow. I'm okay. I don't like them. Now you. Me either. I never touch them, but yeah The problem is there's only four of those in the bag. They really skimp on that You can always just get another bag

Or diabetes, but either way Oh, hey! Oh, hey! Oh, hey! Yeah! You're the next one to get married. Yeah. Yeah. Or diabetes, but either way. Now let me ask you this, because Mark here was just talking about how Anne Frank was blowing guys and the diary was filled with sexual escapades. And then we were talking dads.

Now these can combine. Your father is a survivor. Yeah. I want to bring the crowd down here, but I'm sure you can make it out of that. Well, no, he survived. That's a good story. That's true. And he makes great cookies. Ah.

Well, it's not a good story if you're the Nazi. Yeah, you're right. They got him in the end. One got the way. Yeah. I mean, a lot got away. It's not like, you know. Yeah, it's probably a couple here, unfortunately. Yeah, they really stopped at 59 home runs on that.

But yeah, did your dad's, because the moil will suck the kids. That's not the main job. Oh, oh, oh. The main job is to cut it, which, by the way, everyone just, like, skips over that. Like, that's nothing. What do you mean?

Like, the sucking is the problem, but slicing a dick is like, yeah, whatever on that. Well, I mean, if you cut your kid's toenails, it's normal. If you suck on his toes until he comes, that's a little weird. True, true.

Until he comes. He would go to Bar Mitzvah, you went to some other thing. Well it was something, I don't know. I know it was in June, I don't remember exactly what it was. Now I've probably asked you this before, but did you ever have to like deal with your dad being like, oh yeah? Was that hard for you? I was in the Holocaust. Did he ever hang that over your head? Pulling the old Donald Trump card on us. No, he never did that.

I see. You're like, the train was late. Yeah, he was like, well, yeah, that's a good thing. You should be so lucky. Because I feel like I would have no, I would not be able to hold that in. Well, here's what got me, he was a paratrooper in the Israeli army. Whoa. There was a Geneva accord where you couldn't shoot a parachute too easy.

You had to let him land and then shoot him. But he was like, you know, they would just do it anyway. And so I wanted to go skydiving and he's like oh really gonna have some dudes trapped you back and nobody's shooting at you me I would be the worst dad ever luckily I've never faced any adversity in my life so my son doesn't have to worry you are a dad though that's what I mean I'm not I'm never gonna be like well I had I did have to walk to school and my day people could call you like, you know Gay slurs and it was no big deal. Now I think this kid will be like, oh someone called me a dork and

Yeah, we went to see the what's it called? We went to see a Full Metal Jacket Yes, a lot of gay slurs in that early on. Oh, yeah. N-word is used pretty liberally also. That's right Yeah, and we went and saw I mean I told this on last week's episode too in that early on. N-word is used pretty liberally also. That's right. Yeah. And we went and saw, I mean, I told this on last week's episode too, but we went and saw Full Metal Jacket, 35 millimeter film, which sounds fun. You're like, oh, romantic. It's shit.

It's just a shitty, it's all scratched up. It's like, oh, it's like, the sound cut out. And there's just like squares and scratches all over you. You're like, we're just seeing a bad version of a movie. Looks like someone sneezed on the film. Yeah. Right. It's like fucking Madonna now.

Yeah. Yes, exactly. Right. But they don't tell you. Right. You get to fuck Prime Madonna, and then you get there, and you're like, wait, what? Why does she have a fake ass and a mustache?

I may have the mustache, but it seems like it. That was fun. Also you completely forgot about it. I did forget about it. Well, you're getting old. Yeah, and I'm a pothead and I don't care about people. There you go. What's going on with pot?

Because I was taking edibles for a while and I couldn't remember about people. There you go. Now, what's going on with pot? Because I was taking edibles for a while, and I couldn't remember shit, so I stopped. You sound like such a narc. Ha ha ha ha. Narc Mormon. What's going on with pot? Well, it's fucking my brain up. I heard it's sweeping the nation.

Reap for madness. You can play piano too fast, and then fuck a white woman. That sounds pretty good. But yeah, I had no recall. You know, you'd be like, what's the name of that movie with the Asian, Asian, Me Love You Long Time, and I'm like, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Two Live Crew, I don't know. That's a real thing. You gotta slow down once in a while. So you do take breaks.

Yeah, or I just continue to forget and somehow fail up because my friends are famous. Well, I think when you get older, the booze and the weed and the cigarettes, also, what's this new development? You lit up a fucking cigarette. We finished watching the movie. It's like we fucked.

He pulls a cigarette out and lights it. He's 53 and he's started smoking. 50. He's barely exaggerating. It's the worst kind of exaggeration. Just say 100. That is the best way to... someone's weight or age just exaggerate a few years. Give somebody two extra pounds, you're like, no, but sort of.

His nose is five inches. You're 51 now. Yeah, I fucking picked up cigarette smoking again it sucks it's so dumb it's like borderline retarded to start smoking cigarettes in your 50s so it's like insane it's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life borderline retarded is my favorite Madonna song borderline retarded Borderline retarded. Yeah, I can't defend it in any way.

I just smoke when I travel. So what's the first cigarette? You went to Europe? I went to Europe, I buy a pouch and then I'll smoke. This time Australia, I'll smoke there. I just leave it there. Oh, you roll them. Yeah, rollies.

So they got their hooks in you. They got my hook. Yeah, I came home and was like, I'll have one, and then one more, and then fucking half a pack a day. So what's the plan? What do you do now? Diet cancer, I'm not quitting. Hell yeah.

I can feel it growing inside me. Mark, do you ever smoke? I tried it once, and I was like, hey, I look pretty cool, I coughed, but... You do look cool. You do look cool, you feel cool, but I don't want to go out and buy another thing. Yeah. This is what's annoying.

You know about that. That's a Marcus reason if I get not smoked. This is the thing about cigarettes, and I always said this as a kid, like, they are cool. Yes. So cool. And that's the problem, because cigars I love, they're great, but they're not cool. You look like a pretentious fucking asshole.

Ah, you can make a cigar cool. That's another thing, let me just tell you what the fuck is going on. You look like a dipshit. Oh. And cigarettes are cool. I started watching Sex and the City again from season one.

Oh, me too. I've never seen it. What a dumb show. God, he tricked you. Wow. You should see the. Wow. He tricked you. You should see the new version. So dumb. Well actually the new version really speaks

to the old version, because once you realize the redhead is just a lesbian, you're like, her anger makes sense. She has to go out with these fucking dudes she's not attracted to, so of course she's gonna be a bitch the whole time. I have to say, I like the show. I find it pretty humorous.

I do. He would light up a cigar while they have to leave, all the time. He'd be like, come on, get ready already, and just be lighting up a cigar. I'm like, you're leaving in a minute. Right. Oh, yeah. This is your problem with the show?

My main problem. Yeah. As a cigar smoker, that's my biggest issue with the show. Such a waste of cigars. Well, there's people that smoke like that. They, like, walk up the street with a cigar. Like, a cigar, you gotta sit for 90 minutes. You gotta sit.

And talk. Love to sit. Whatever. Yeah, you gotta sit. Yeah, I agree. But I don't think you look like a dipshit. We were smoking at the bachelor party. We were having a great time. That looked great. That was cool.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess that just feels very pretentious. All smoking is cool. I mean, if you... Yeah. Crack. You ever see somebody smoking crack? You go, lame. I guess that just feels very pretentious all smoking is cool. I mean if you Crack you ever see somebody's fun crack ago By the way crack is back crack back I see crack all over my neighborhood We were in the age of crack and needles to needles are popping again. You know what happened I accidentally stepped on my mother's back and it created a crack

Well are popping again. You know what happened? I accidentally stepped on my mother's back and it created a crack in whatever. Well, there it goes. Damn it. Back to the live ones suck. I hate the guests. This is why we stopped having guests many years ago. So you got any highlights of Kill Tony out in Madison Square G? My god, it was so cool. Big Jay crushed. Really? He pulled up a stool in front of fucking 18,000 people. Wow. And just got him on his wave leg.

Dice at the garden, turns, pops his collar up, and I was back in seventh grade. Wow. Jeez. Way to go, bitch. He never answered that question. So who bombed? Some of the bucket poles bombed.

One guy bombed so hard he was just a pretty boy. Just a pretty, pretty man. Everybody hated him. Tony was like don't boo but then he was like oh wow this one. Matt Reif was there? That's who Jay had to follow. And he said tell us one redeeming quality about yourself. And he goes, I played hockey in high school, and then just the rain of booze that came down on this rich kid. You were there?

That kid sucked. I heard you, because you whipped it out at the Forum in LA, and then you got in a little trouble because it was like a 16-year-old in the front row. And then. That bald dude's 16? Oh, that front row. Yeah. And then. That bald dude's 16? Oh, I'm fine. That's a lesbian.

But you couldn't do it at the guard. The guard cracked the whip and they said, hey, hey, hey, no sack, old man. We got a solid warning ahead of time about nudity. A long like three paragraph letter. Jesus. That pretty much was a second draft with the first draft being, we mean you, Ari.

Were they gonna just be a fine or? They're like, we'll lose our liquor license. Madison Square Garden would lose their liquor license? Which that just, for sure, maybe you wanna do it more. Oh, the idea of there being an entire ranger season with no beer is so fucking funny. I would have fed the sports season of that team. They could afford fewer free agents.

Oh, you would have sunk the arena. Can you imagine the hatred of Atta Kendrith Lamarcon? So they go, guys, there's no alcohol today because of Ari Shaffir. If the blacks didn't hate the Jews enough. Oh, the Israelites. You want Crown Royal, you can't even get Crown Heights. Oh, the Israelites. You want Crown Royal, you can't even get Crown Heights.

There's no way they would lose their liquor license. No way. They're too unioned up, but they were like, you'll insult us, you'll insult all our sponsors. Here's a list of the 14 sponsors. That was crazy. You're probably like all Jewish owned too. Yeah. And your balls aren't just any balls.

That's right. You guys seen his balls? Wild. Hey! No, come on. They're up close, these kids. These boys. He's seen it.

If they had tea, I would have done it. Yeah. You couldn't fit them in that cup, could you? No. They're pretty big. I mean, one on top of another, I could. Oh! Stack them.

All right, it's like migrants in an apartment. Yeah. They move every inch away. Yeah. All right. You ever twist them up and then let them, like, helicopter out? It's like a testicle Tetris.

Yeah. Tetric. Tetrical. All right. There we go. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Woo, so it was a good time. Yeah, it was such a fun time. Tetra tetra cool all right there we go So it was such a fun time all the old guys are there it felt like the comedy story and fucking 2002 Right I mean Holtsman was on she's telling Billy Joel to kill himself in front of fucking 20,000 people

Holtsman's the best. He's the best. Funny guy. God damn. He was stunt after stunt, all wrestling. And then what about Rogers, just throwing haymakers at him? Yeah, at the end, Aaron Rogers. Steve Rogers? Steve Rogers came out fresh off a D. Yeah, he was just thrown out. I saw him, Aaron Rogers, he threw a couple,

then he was like, let me try to hit the upper deck. He didn't, and then I saw him in his head, was like, fuck this. And then he really tried to get it up the other day Aaron Rodgers was on stage at the kill Tony. Yes, so was the black keys to two songs Yeah Who's the fat one with the fake tattoos

David Lucas Jelly roll jelly roll. I saw him putting on his fake tattoos, and then he came and saw, uh, oh yeah, they're fake. And, uh... Oh, the tits are real. And, uh... He sang New York, New York to start. Marcus King played the... everybody was there.

It was fucking nutty. Wow. What a night. It was so crazy. There was free drinks. They asked me to do it, but I was at Magoobies. Oh. Not even kidding. Every minute I was at Magoobies, it's like,

this is a big mistake. Oh. Rogan flew in for it. When he announced the day, the first day, he was like, it's an awesome show. Let's have Shane Gallows, Joe Rogan. They went fucking ballistic. Wow. Oh, my God my god you should have seen Magoobies I mean it was the way they just fill half of it the upper deck all empty and you should

taste these buffalo wings they're boneless they're half price buffalo wings you can't compare that to MSG that That's true. How do they get the bone out of there? That's what I don't understand. Unbelievable. It's a high-end establishment Yeah, well, what can you do? I've made some mistakes. Yeah, Luis Gomez killed. That's not true. Everybody Yeah, it is. Who was there? I'm telling you, man. I was as disappointed as you were. I heard he was in sweatpants. He didn't know what was going on. He thought he was just hanging there.

Like, you've got to get on stage right now. Yeah, they're like, where's Lewis? He's going next to him. And I was texting him for until they called him five times. It wasn't answering. Yes, he got stuck in the elevator. It wasn't answering. No, he eventually got to the elevator.

I had to call Christine Okerson. I'm like, where's Lewis? She goes, he's right here. He's ignoring her calls. What's going on? And then I was like, you're on next. He ran in and I fucking brought him right on. It was fucking wild.

That's exciting. Wow, man. Man, so many of these comics and I'll say they did The Garden. Yeah, Tony got us there. Whoa. Yeah, they're all homophobic and yet one helped us all. I did The Garden. I did it three times with Louie. One of the times it was just me opening

and I did 20 minutes and it was tough. It wasn't good. And then I've told the story before but I did a joke and you know sometimes you're bombing you do a joke and one guy laughs and you go this guy gets it. I almost did that at Madison Square Garden. Oh! One guy in the threes just goes, oh, oh, oh! Like, just laughing. I was like, and I caught myself. I'm like, let me just not point out that one out of 18,000's laughing.

But it was rough. And then Louie had a tough one too. We went out for a nice meal and he's like, that crowd sucked. And I was like, right? I was at that show. You were? Yeah, you said that was the worst one on the run

because that was the last one at it. Yeah, he did eight at the garden. Wow. And the? Yeah, you said that was the worst one of the run because that was the last one at it. Yeah, he did eight at the Garden. Wow. And the eighth one, I think it was like people that finally were like, all right, fine, we'll see him. Yeah. But we're not going to laugh. And it was rough.

I mean, that's a lonely feeling, bombing at Madison Square Garden. Yeah, I bombed once at Olive Garden. Have you ever done it? Have you ever done it at Madison Square Garden? I did, yeah. I actually followed Madonna on one of the shows. What? And she bombed so bad that...

She did stand-up. That made you want to do music. Yes, yes, yes. Well, I actually fucked Jeter. No. No, she fucked A-Rod. Sorry. I fucked that up. Fix it in post? Wrong, ambiguously ethnic baseball player. But... What is A-'re on, Dominican? Dominican. Yeah.

Yeah. All the best players are. Yeah, Drew. Huh? Oh, all right. I'll say. But yeah, Madonna's like, I wanna do five. And everybody's like, okay, you're Madonna.

They let her on and she ate shit. And then I got to go on and go, hey, how about that whore? Whatever, you know? And, uh, she sucked. Who the fuck was that, you know? And make fun of Madonna. And then I had a decent set

because she did so bad. Oh, wow. She really had a Lollis-Lop bomb eater. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! stand or what do you call it? A magazine stand? I'm telling you they're hard to find. Literally the bodega up a block. They're all over town. They're like do you have famous amos? He goes yeah we can't keep them fast enough. Well they're not queens I'll tell you that. They're not at Hudson News, they're not at Chipotle or Subway. You better, you're gonna fuck yourself. You're gonna get nine million messages, hey, I'm at the Cleveland airport. They got famous amos, they're lousy.

Check it out, you loser. They're so dry, they're so bad. They're not a great cookie, they're a little hard and dry. Yeah, they're really fucking. Well, they're fun, it's nostalgic, you can toss them, it's a bag. Yeah, what about cookie crisp cereal? You ever fuck with that?

No, I don't know that. Not a fan. I thought it was pretty good. But I was, you know, nine or whatever. Yeah, they were all right. I've told this story many times. I tried to do it as a bit, but I was at Panera Bread one time, and there was a guy next to me on the phone,

and he goes, uh, he's on the phone like this, he goes, I told you, I'm at the cookie joint. The cookie joint. He's at Panera Bread. He calls Panera Bread the cookie joint. Wow. It's not even like, no one even thinks about cookies at Panera Bread. It has bread in the, wouldn't it be the bread joint?

Yeah, the bread sandwich spot. But he doubled down, the cookie joint. And you can imagine the other guy going, what cookie joint? The cookie joint. And you can imagine the other guy going, what cookie joint? The cookie joint. And it's still one of the 10 funniest things I've ever heard in my life. To be like, he thought this guy was going to be like, oh, yeah,

yeah, panero bread. The cookie joint. He got salads and mac and cheese and coffee. He was Asian, yeah. Oh, wow. OK yeah okay yeah it is we were people Jay I grew up with a guy who would go you watch Bart Simpson last night what do you mean Bart said I watched the Simpsons he's like a Bart Simpson just picked their favorite thing about the show and call the show that thing.

That's like when I walk into my house, I'm like, hey, what's up, vagina? To my wife. Hey, tits, how you doing there? That could be a bit. That's not bad. That could be something. I'll tell you the time when we were young boys in my neighborhood. We were all, like, 10 years old, and me and my buddy,

we kept trying to trick our other buddy. I won't say their names, but he was a little more retarded than us. We were running up. Ah, I spilled it. I said his name by accident. His name was a little more retarded than us. Jones. Anyways, we were running up

and pretending to smack our head on the wall. Like we were doing like a, oh, like that. Yes, classic. We started doing it full speed and we were like, it's fun. It's like, it gives you a rush. And so we were doing this and my buddy was like, oh yeah, I'll do that.

And he ran, just like hands by his side, full tilt, boom. And like, it was one of those things where you're like, I did not, somehow I didn't see this going this way. I don't know what I thought was gonna happen, but he went boom, and he just stumbled back and totally fell down on his ass. Not fully unconscious, but 60% unconscious. You could see him kinda going back,

and you're just like, yeah, you did it wrong,. Like we didn't want to be like we were just kidding Yeah, she just had to be like, oh I must hit people differently He just didn't realize you guys are too in the city had no idea like we were very convincing and so I don't know why He yeah, he was a little off, but he was more off after that. Yeah But you ever have a childhood like, I'll do this. And then you're like, I shouldn't have done that. Yeah. I mean, comedy for you, obviously, but.

No. No. No. No. We had the guy who would do anything you asked. He'd go, hey, go up and punch that dude in the face. And he would just do it. Right.

Great guy to have around. That's Lewis. Yeah, basically. Hey, I dare you to go up on punch that dude in the face and he would just do it. Right. A great guy to have around. That's Lewis. Yeah basically. Hey I dare you to go up on Madison Square Garden with sweatpants. All right, all right I'll do it. But this guy we got him to climb an electric fence and wow. It was like you know it was like out of a Home Alone movie. He just jumped on it like, and then blasted off backwards. Good times. Jurassic Parked himself.

It's crazy too, we weren't filming any of that. We were just doing that on our own volition. Now that would be all content and fun. And that's how they got jackass, I guess. I saw my uncle's an electrician slash fireman slash plowman slash air force. Really did it all. Yeah, real renaissance. But electrician was at the bottom of the list

and I watched him electrocute himself. And it's quite a sight to see someone get electrocuted because I was like helping him. I was like the helper and he was doing a thing and he's like, yeah, all you gotta do is you do this and then you gotta snip that. And he goes, and he went, and he fell back. And his ankles just went up

and it looked like he skidded like probably three inches but it looked like a foot and he went, and then he just came down. And I'm like 10, so I was like, it's hard not to be like, and when you're like a boy, you don't know to be like, fuck, are you okay? You don't know what to do, so I was just like,

you're just useless, and also I'm afraid to touch him because I'm afraid I'll die, so I just kind of stood over him like, that was crazy, man, and he's gotta get up and brush his tits off and be like, that was crazy man. Yeah. And he's gotta get up and brush his tits off and be like, oh, sorry. One time I was in the kitchen alone, you know, when you're a boy, you got a whole summer off, you just fuck it around, so you go,

I'm gonna make a super concoction and drink it and I'll be like a superhero. I did that many times, yeah. Okay, so I'm mixing up a little granola, you pour some milk in there, you pour a little of this, a little of that, a little orange juice, little red wine, and I some milk in there, you pour a little of this, a little of that, a little orange juice, a little red wine, and I hit it with insect spray.

Shhh. So I go, wow, I shouldn't have all this. I'll give some to my mom. I was trying to be thoughtful, and you know, she's a busy lady. I figure I'll help her out with a secret concoction. And she's a nice lady, so she hit it. And she was like,

was there bug poison in that? And I went, you better believe it, bitch. That's the, uh... that's the secret sauce. And she was like, ah! She had to call animal control or poison control or whatever. And I was like, this lady doesn't get it at all. You know? It's freaking out. Mothers never think it's funny to call animal control or poison control or whatever. And I was like, this lady doesn't get it at all.

You know? It's freaking out. Mothers never think it's funny when you almost kill them. It's... Yeah. I had a guy, I lived when I went to New York Film Academy, as did you. Yes, yes.

Did you go? No. Ah, you fucked up. We invested. What's that? Invested in films. No, that's cool. I see.

And the weather. Yes, yes. But I shared a... Oh, that's cool. I see. And the weather. Yes, yes. But I shared a- Welcome, you're welcome for today. I shared- That was a beautiful day. I shared a one bedroom with a guy and we had roaches,

because it was the East Village. It was 420 East First Street, between, or East 13th, between First and Avenue A. Doesn't matter. I just feel like the more details, you're like, oh, this happened. So we were in the apartment and we were infested with roaches.

For some reason, he thought you had to unload on each roach. So he'd be like, and I'm like, you're going to kill us. I'm going to die at 51 because this fucking asshole, you don't have to spray in the eyes. Like, just, like, literally, like, shh, it's poison. Yes. And it would be like a puddle.

It would wait for the bug to, like, fucking, like, die, and I'm like, just give it a squirt. Like, there's no windows here. Like, sir, we're gonna die. It would reek, and I would come home, and it would just fucking reek of rain. And I'm like, this is really not good. And that's what sucks about life.

Like, literally, I'm gonna die, like, at 61. I'm gonna be on my bed, wittily. I'll look like him now. And I'm gonna be like, the rain! You fucking idiot. Yeah. Does he have kids now, this guy? I haven't talked to him. He was very wealthy.

He was like, it was like one of those weird things where you could tell, he came from like a rich family and they're like, ah, you want to go? Go to it for a year. Like my family, it was like, okay, this is all of our money, so please make movies. Right, right. I was like, you got it. And I just pissed it all away and drank and I made a movie later, but it didn't do so hot.

But yeah, I think he's, I don't know, he's got like an island or something now. Wow. Yeah, remember the raid with the lighter? Oh yeah. Or hairspray? That was a good time. God, and every kid would pass that down to the next generation and let them know it's possible.

You better believe it. That was a big deal. Sign your name on the wall and then like light it and watch the cursive light up. Oh yeah. And then every now and then it would suck back in and the can almost exploded. Did it throw a can on a fire?

Oh yeah. My grandmother threw a fire extinguisher ironically into a bonfire, blew up, got her in the leg, shattered the tibia. What? Yeah. Yeah. What was she? What?

Died instantly. Yeah. Yeah. What was she? What? Died instantly. No, no, no. But she was wheelchair bound after that. And then. Why did she throw it? Does she think that's how you extinguished fires? Well, she lived in Slidell, Louisiana on the bayou. So she was like, it was like a country lady.

So that's how you got rid of the garbage. There was no garbage truck. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, natural selection, I guess.

I guess so, yeah. I tell the, I did this as a bit years ago on my Comedy Central half hour, but my Uncle Dale, We all know uncle Dale. Sure big dick Dale. Huge cock great fireman also a fireman and plumber and He was my babysitter and You know my cousin went I changed the story slightly for the bit to make it less convoluted But this is a story podcast. Thank you, Matt. That's Salacuse, everybody. You guys know Salacuse? That's him. The man, the myth, the legend.

Yes, the famous Amos getter. Yeah. But anyway, so he was, my cousin, who was all, we're all the same age. It's a fucked up, you know, Boston family. Everyone's, the grandma, uncle, everyone through the family is three years apart. So my cousin was like 13, my uncle's 14, I'm like eight.

My cousin goes to the bathroom and then my uncle is like, I'm gonna spray fire. He takes potpourri and he's like, he turns up all the lights and he takes a lighter and shoots a fireball at my cousin as a gag. This is like 1989, That was like a bit. You're like, all right, when he comes back from the bathroom, all the lights will be out, and we'll shoot a ball of fire

at his face. It's going to be hilarious. And I was a kid, and I'm like, I don't know about this bit. Couldn't we tie his shoes together, or put gum in his hair, or something fun, suck his dick, whatever. So we turn the lights off and I'm just petrified of the dark, let alone the fireball.

I'm like, I don't think we should be doing this, Uncle Dale. He shoots the fire and it goes, and it just goes like home alone down the hallway. My cousin goes, oh, oh, and he's doing this thing. And my uncle, he goes, ah! Ah! And he's doing this thing, and my uncle in the end goes, you gotta be kidding me! And he throws the thing down, turns the lights, he's like, fuck off, fuck, what the fuck? And then my cousin goes, ah, just kidding! And now I'm like, you're both fucking piece of shit assholes!

Like, my uncle's like, well, shoot fire at his face is a bit, and my cousin immediately just like, without even having time to think is like, oh, he's shooting fire. I'll make him think he burned my face off. Right. And I'm like, I hate it here. Like, please, come home.

There's no cell phones to be like, come home immediately. They're shooting fire. And I actually don't know who's more fucked up. Which one of them? To phones to be like, come home immediately, they're shooting fire. And I actually don't know who's more fucked up, which one of them? To not immediately be like, ah, don't shoot fire, but he's like, yes and it, it was like, ah! He got him back though, he scared the shit out of Dale.

Oh yeah, no, Dale was like, Dale was the pranked. He flipped him, he jujitsu, no offense. He really flipped him, yeah. But the real prank was my parents leaving me with these fucking complete lunatics who are like the same age. That was the other thing too about the eighties. You'd be like, well, he's eight,

we'll leave him with a 12 year old, no big deal. Right, right. He's your uncle, he should be fine. Yeah, it'll be good. We had another one where I was driving from my parents' house to Bill Ricker, Massachusetts, which where my cousin lived. And my uncle's 16.

He just got his license. I'm 12. And my mother's like, all right, Joe, call me when you get there. And it's like an hour and 10 minute trip. And of course, my uncle drives 350 miles an hour the whole way because he's 16. So I just did what I was told.

I got home and I called my mother. I was like, hey, we're here. And she goes, no, you're not. And I was like, what do you mean? Yeah, we're here. And she's like, put Dale on the phone. Oh, shit. Because he drove like 90 miles an hour.

She's like, how did you fucking get there that fast? And so then you just hear like a cartoon like, your mother's fucking playing this shit on the other side of the phone. And then he hangs up and he's like you fucking pussy f-word piece of shit, you're a fucking rat and I'm like She told me to call when I got here You drove 300. That's not my fault. Right? Anyways now he's a simple servant. Yeah You got some crazy childhood stories from the 30s, huh? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You lived out in Maryland, right? That's like Sticksville. No, it was just the suburbs. It was pretty normal, but it was such a fucking different world.

You ever do Magoobies? I did do Magoobies. I've done it twice. Yeah, one of the best. I don't draw well there. Me either. Nobody does. I got the club on at one time. I was like, hey, sorry, am I drawing well? So I grabbed the code and I was like, ah, Yeah, one of the best. I don't draw well there. Me either. I got the club on at one time. I was like, hey, sorry, am I drawing well?

So I grabbed the code and I was like, ah, yeah, it's fine. I'm like, no, I mean, I know it's not good. Sorry, he goes, yeah, what's up with the numbers? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's in Timonium. It's in Timonium. I grew up in Maryland. I've never heard of that city.

Wow. Yeah, but great club though. No, it a good club. Yeah, but nothing. Noah never got stuffed in a locker, never fucked his sister. Yeah my sister, my brother-in-law, before it became my brother-in-law, hung me over a like a stairwell by my feet. Whoa. Yeah, he was a bully. He was a real boy. I should let go Yeah, exactly. Yeah But like tight like wait with a rope or with his hands with his hands damn looking back he's not that strong like five seven Back then he was like a monster. Yeah Would you owe? Nothing. It was just a fucking dick. Jesus. That is a dick move.

Yeah, I was just scared forever to go near stairwells. Couldn't go near a stairwell. Then I saw that movie, the Hitchcock movie. Vertigo. Yeah. We saw it in the theater together. It was frightening. On a different level. We go to Hitchcock every year. Every October we go to Hitchcocktober. Hitchcocktober. That's fun. We pretend to like it and you know.

So cutting edge. So cutting edge. Remember this year we had a weirdo there. He was like a fan. He sat in the aisle chatting us up. Me up more specifically. I told you that we went to It's a Wonderful Life. They played at the IFC Center every Christmas. Oh, the best. I used to go every year. Yeah. So me and this girl I was seeing at the time, we said, let's take a couple edibles,

have a few cocktails, sit in the back, and crack wise. So we go there. There's three people in there. They're all spread out. We're in the back. We're hammered. It's like 2 in the afternoon. And we're like, look at this piece of shit,

oh, George Bailey's a fag, whatever, you know? And 30 minutes goes by, and this guy, two seats in front of us, stands up, and he goes, shut the fuck up, I used to come here with my dad, he died recently, you're ruining everything. And we're drunk and high, so we're like, ah! You know? Best thing you could have said. Yeah, and we're like, okay,

and we just got the hell out of there and then giggled all the way home. We did that once, we were, I think it's some movie, and then the parents were going to see Beaches. What? And our movie was a comedy, so it ended early, it ended 30 minutes early,

and we were waiting on the lobby for a while for our parents, and we're like, oh, fuck it, let's just go in there. And we watched, so no emotional build. We just came in at the end of beaches. Here's just a few strangers. And one of them's dead. And then we saw, she was like giving an emotional thing

and the shadow on Bette Midler's microphone was right on her fucking cleavage. And we're like, love to be those tits right now. That would have nice fucking shadow. And all these women're like, love to be those tits right now. That was a nice fucking shout out. All these women are like, you sure are a terrible man. Good tits, Bette Midler. And great talent. Very talented.

I have two movie theater stories similar to that. One was, I saw Flight 93. Oh yeah. That's the movie where they take the plane down, let's roll. 9-11. let's go, let's roll. 9-11. Oh yeah. 9-11, that's right.

And when it ended, I was with Tom, it was like a packed theater and I was with Tom Dustin and it ended and I just went, I smell a sequel. And he just burst out laughing because it's a funny line, but no one hears my line. So literally the movie ends with like the plane crashing and Tom's like, ha ha ha! And it's like, and everyone was like, you motherfucker!

I came out in like, 04, this is like fresh. And everyone was really upset with him, but I was, it felt good because I was the guy behind the thing. And then I saw Rushmore in the theater, still one of my favorite films all time. Great movie. Back when Wes Anderson was great. And me and my friend Mike Robinson, for whatever reason we were just gassy and we were just farting it up the whole time.

And we were loving the movie, but we just had our feet up and then there was a mother and son in front of us and she kept being like, you motherfucker. So it was making us wanna fart more. So we were pushing them out and like nearly shitting our pants. Just, yeah.

And then about three quarters of the way to the movie she just stood up and went, you guys need to get your ass checked out. And we just died laughing because she said it singular. She said ass. Like we shared a ass. That's such a mom thing to say too. You're still trying to lead.

I love when you need to laugh a little and you're just not allowed to. It builds up way, way more. Oh yeah. We had one time, we were in Israel at a kibbutz and this lady who ran the canteen ran like the market. October 7th? No. Well before that. Well before that.

She was telling us about starting a settlement after the Holocaust, and tells us all about the Holocaust and how terrible it was, and trying to, like, you know, pick a little tack in their village and stuff like that. And then my friend just goes, ask her when they're getting more marshmallows. It was the same thing.

I saw American Pie in the theater, black theater, and we were the two white people, and black people are funny in the theater, black theater, and we were the two white people, and black people are funny in the theater, you know? And it's not even that great of a story, but when they, you've seen the movie, when the kid fucks the pie and he's just plowing it, and then they show the pie, and it's all mangled and beaten, and this black kid goes, damn, he tore that shit up!

And popcorn went in the air, everybody was going nuts, people were doing cartwheels, it was crazy. And it was Kamala Harris. It was weird. So, yeah. Wow, just got my vote.

Well, speaking of wanting to laugh and not being able to laugh, today, we did, we might be, Sarah and I did, We Might Be Drunk, the podcast. Oh, hey. He might be drunk. And we had to bring the baby because, you know. What's that?

What? Your mom's gay? We had to bring the baby. And so Karen Fian is our babysitter. So she came came so then afterwards we were going downtown so me Sam, Mark, Karen, the baby were all in one big lift SUV and Mark and Sam live in the village for the time being so we dropped them off and as Mark's getting out he goes all right see you guys bye Karen bye Scoop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a-dop-a- Karen by scoop with the scoop with the boob with the boob with the boo he had a crazy name the door and the guys like who the fuck is that man that is not my

name why does he call me that oh really oh I don't know I never heard of him he's a piece of shit he's a hobo I just picked him up oh I didn't know that sorry gag when you're getting off the elevator you go hey thanks for blowing me yeah it's close the guy oh I had no idea The whole ride we're going, I don't know, I think he was having an allergic reaction, I don't think he was talking about you, that's our nickname, we call her Scoop-a-doo-a-doo. Well when you ordered the Uber,

he showed us the name and it had like nine consonants in it. Oh yeah. So I was like, oh that's funny. Upside down letters. Oh yeah. The guy's like, he hurt my feelings, I know the name. No way. I made up the feelings part. I hope it didn't hurt your rating there, Fatty. The rest, I definitely got one star.

He was a great driver and he's welcoming our country. Yeah, no, he was fantastic. That was fun though. It's fun to have a bunch of people in a car. That was a good time. Isn't it fun? You ever get in a car, and there's like eight of you and your friends in the car, and you just feel like everyone's on in the car. Yes, yes.

You're funnier in the car. I was in Cleveland with... No, I know. It just turned on. Okay, okay. About 30 minutes ago. With Adrian. Just checking. There was a snowstorm coming in,

and we weren't going to be able to get out the next day. Sal was in town with Veeder at the same time and he's like, hey, fuck it, I'll get us a hotel in Detroit. Let's just drive to Detroit. Sal Volcano. Yeah, the whole way. All just goofing on everybody

and then I was controlling the Spotify. Every third song was Nikki Glaser's Bob Saget song. Oh, that's inside. They don't know what that is but it was it's pretty cringy. That's all you need to know. It was fun. That's a good time. Well you really brought the heat Ari. Should have brought another bag. Should have brought another bag of Famous Amos. Damn you tore that story up. All right we do have to go. They turned us on. Thank you guys so much for coming.

That was so fun. We got a great water crowd. Ari Shaffir, let them hear it. Come on, Ron. Thank you. Salacus, famous Amos. Thank you. Here, take the water.

Have a good night. Thank you! This has been Storys everybody! You guys have a good show? Thanks for watching! Please subscribe to our channel for more videos like this! And don't forget to like and share this video! See you next time! Bye!