Tuesdays with Stories! - #568 Jet Blue Balls

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

*Quick thing: I got covid for this recording and we had to pull someone in last minute to be the producer on this ep. Unfortunately the audio recorder failed, and we have to use the camera audio. I got a great audio expert (@realraylong on IG) to help us make it sound as good as possible, and we will be back to normal audio next week! - Chuck*Wooooo the boys are BACK and Mark has BIG news about his baby! Plus Joe gets stranded in Milwaukee! Mark, Ari and Sal Vulcano paint the town red, and Joe comes up with the next big board game movie! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with promo code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com  - Support the show and get 25% off your Helix mattress order, plus 2 free pillows. Head https://www.helixsleep.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show & sign up for your $1 per month Shopify trial period at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

Hey, hey folks, here we are! West Village. Greenwich Village. The old village. Um... Stop and grab. Hit em with the thing. So, uh, we recorded an app.

Chuck had AIDS. We had to use another guy. He fucked up the audio. Rupert. That's it. Didn't want to say it. Rupert Stinky Dink. We spent nine million dollars fixing the audio, but it's not perfect, so don't yell at us,

and we're still gonna put it out. Yeah, the audio sucks. Chuck blew it. Chuck's the worst, he threw Rupert under the bus but Chuck is in charge. Yeah, yeah, comes down to him ultimately. Blamed a, we found Chuck Hill. Uh huh. From the river. Yes.

And by the way Luke Mota's filming this. Beautiful man. Thank you very much. How much does everyone say, oh my god, Joe's obsessed with you, he always mentions you? It happened a couple times this weekend I would say. It's like a tacking of teeth man. Thank you very much. How much does everyone say, oh my god, Joe's obsessed with you, he always mentions you? It happened a couple times this weekend, I would say. It's like attacking the team, man. Turn the camera around when we're done.

Sorry, I will. Oh, I will. No one knows who you are. Look at this boy. Is that the most attractive man you've ever seen? I think people are going to be really upset in the comments. That's beautiful. Look at this.

Look at this. Absolutely. Yes, and the sound is a little weird and funny, but don't you find the sound, you adjust quickly. That's true, yes. It's just. It's like RFK's voice. That's very true. Get your RFK out. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Probably not as bad as this sound is right now. That's true. This is horrible. I'll clean this up. I'll clean this up. We'll get her the sign of release.

Oh, look at that. Whoa. How about that? Wow, look at that. Red convertible. Anyways, that's it. Speaking of the 80s, I meet my David with Luke. He gives me the Coochie Coochie Coo.

Oh, wow. This is 49. No good? Classic. You gotta get some new material. You gotta be like, what's up, baby? Yeah. Oh, no.

Motherfucker. Look at you, motherfucker baby? I thought Coochie Coo was good. People love it. No, no, no. I like Coochie. Coochie Coo stinks. All right, so enjoy the F.

I thought it was a good F, too. One of the best Fs of all time. Sound isn't that bad, so just be nice and enjoy the F. It's a banger. This is too long. I'm looking to be able to send it. All right, cut it. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro.

That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah, this is Tuesdays with stories everybody. No, that's terrible. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Les! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Now! Baby doll! Man, it's a monsoon out there, but at least it's 65 degrees. It's cooled down, it's nice. I went out this morning for my morning walk with the Bambino shorts and t-shirt,

and it was like a chill in the air. Yes, a nip. It felt like an autumn New England day. I loved it. You could tell he was like, woo. Yes, and I hate the heat with a fiery, cum-guzzling passion. So is that a little bit of a nip?

I'm like, it bathes over me. I'm like, ah I feel like a guy one of those douchebag influencers in a cold plunge now And also and people will recall and you'll write to me that I'm a fag piece of shit horse dick I did it once. Oh, I didn't get through that in there. Yeah, I don't know what that was just throwing words out there but I do Paul Walter that I want sun all summer, but then eventually you get sun so many days in a row. Well, then you're like, overcast, nice.

Yeah. Give me one overcast, just the one. Exactly. And the other thing, and you'll see this now when you have the baby, you become a DP, oh, a director of photography, a double penetration, because the sun blasts, a baby's eye, the sun, the baby's eyes, they're like this. It's like, it's horrible.

It's the worst thing you can do to the baby. Like they're like, ah! Their eyes can't take it. All I hear is sunlight is good. Sunlight heals, it exposes, it cleans. Well, sunlight on the leg, you should see how tan this baby's leg's there. It's crazy. He looks like, uh, Jim Carrey in that Rolling Stones shoot when the things, the dogs biting his butt cheeks.

Oh yeah, on the beach. Pull that up, Rube. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the sunscreen. Anyway, so... Copper tone. He's good in Tan, but the sun in the eyes, they can't take the sun. Tan Morrison. So they make this face. Gah!

Yeah. So now, every morning I walk out, I'm like, I'm a cinematographer. I'm like, okay, it's 7 a.m The Sun's cuz you gotta hide them and cook them in crooked. You got the light wall that white balance thing Yeah, I'll do it. Hey Pete. Yeah, you gotta do all that shit. So like the kid and the guy in total recall He goes out with Mars. He's like Say it's like, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH It's like that, so today, Overcast, you're like, great, I don't have to worry about it, because sometimes you forget about it because you're, you know, thinking or talking or whatever, and you take a corner and he's like, DZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ That's right. That's sun in the eye. It's no good. They should make baby shades. How has that not been invented? Give me a shade for good.

They look cute and they're blocking. I think there's some baby shades, but then what happens? They pull them off and they jump. It's so scary. Because they got the points and they're just like pointing things in their eye. They don't know if you put a stake in your eye, you go blind for a couple of days. That's true. Yeah.

Well, they should make them wrap around like a goggle. That's good. We have something here. But yeah, you're right. A kid will put a dick in his mouth, a wrap around like a goggle. That's good. We have something here But yeah, you're right a kid will put a dick in his mouth Foot his ass whatever they they were picking rocks up and eating them like crackheads. Absolutely And yeah, cuz you never do the peanut butter dog trick. Oh, yeah Babies like peanut butter. Oh This is changing my whole outlook yeah, I mean anything you to give anyone an idea. Oh, wait a minute. Maybe I will have a guess.

This has changed my whole outlook. Yeah, I didn't get anything I could want. Well, this is bad news. That's gotta get us a yellow dollar sign. Yeah, that's true. Ha ha ha. What's that, Asian money? But you gotta get the smooth, you know,

that baby nibbling. No, that guy nibbles. You know what your dick nibbled? Does he have a tooth yet, this kid? No tooth. It's like he's got hard, spiky gums. It hurts when he bites you tooth yet, this kid? No tooth. It's like he's got hard spiky gums. It hurts when he bites you. Oh wow.

Yeah. But yeah, they haven't come in quite yet, but it's good. And it's funny because now they want you to shove peanut butter in his ass when he's six weeks old now. Wait, what? That's why all the peanut allergies happen. Because they were like, don't give the baby peanut butter until he's 10. I see.

And then the allergies shot up through my asshole and I came everywhere. So now they're like, hold the phone, put down the phone, put it on vibrate, stick the peanut butter in his ass the day he's born. Got it. Chew the bumps, chew the jiff. This kid, I just put a big spoonful

in his tits every morning. Take that, Skippy. So, have you got the news, girl? Boy! Wrong! Really? Big cock on that back. No kidding!

Oh, yeah, huge hog. Wow. Boy, all the way. It's a godsend. Thank you. Appreciate it. No menstrual. I was way off, Jeremy.

Way off? I mean, I trust you. You're a soothsayer. You're wise Yeah, you have a totem pole, but nothing. I guess I just didn't say it's a tiny little weensie Yeah, like father like son. Yeah, everyone's in the family, but yeah, yeah big old boy I gotta tell you it was hard to not no offense to the ladies out there But I just want to go in knowing the parts i've never seen a vagina a klitz a myth but i wanted to go in fresh and uh that was exciting i had to hold

back my my woohoo and the doctor's office. Oh it's a better everything it's better all around the emotions the blood the the banging yeah it's no good they're all, they hate you. Yeah, exactly, the manipulation, all that. Plus you spank the girl, they moan. But, um, what do I add? Hold on, I had something. Wait to... Oh, that was a gurgler. That was like the last squirt of ketchup.

Yeah, I felt like I was going to bubble on a volcano. Um, so the, uh, it's a boy, but she wanted a girl. But I think we'll try a game, we'll have two, whatever, blah, blah, blah. Shouldn't they have some science now where they go, we mixed up the chromosomes, now you got an Olympic boxer? What do you mean? Well, it feels like they can make a girl if they want it in the lab. Right.

Well, we had the lab and they were like, it's a boy. You have a boy, fucking whatever the thing. Betus. Yeah, you shove it in there. Uh huh. So why does she think you got a dick in her right now? I thought the same thing. I thought that.

I've never heard you say that before. By the way, we had the crazy pregnant sex. She's hooting, hollering, legs akimbo, vibrating, good times. It's the best. I want a habit affair and impregnate the woman just so I can fuck her while she's pregnant. That's how good it was. Yeah, super hot.

Unbelievable, those tits get so fat and veiny and they work and they come fast and often. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And it's heightened even when we're like, you know, a little forward play action with that try to really make quick. She's really like, ah, fired up. I can feel her body convulsing and it's, I've never had a woman attracted to me. I gotta tell you,

I've been having some, I don't want to get too personal here, but I've been having some wonderful, wunderbar sex. Oh really? Well, I am really into this mother business because I know a lot of people know like she's a piece of shit Just mother garbage now, but I'm the opposite like damaged goods Yeah, I think they look at it as whatever but I'm like because they say most affairs happen when the woman's pregnant It's just a heads up. Is that right? Yeah. Well, I think you start to get a little she blows up She gets weird and then you're like, this is it forever. Oh my god. My life's changing. So Better look out. She sleeps around. Oh, yo, oh me. Oh, I thought she was a big pregnant

Waddling over to the the gay bar. No, no, she never looks at a man again. You're her forever boy You're the thing but I think the guy starts to be like, well, let me try to get a couple in here Everyone starts to look a little bit hotter. Yeah, yeah. I had three, four when I was uh, when she was pregnant. I'm with you though. I like that. I've always had a milf thing. I like an older bag. I like a red dirty leather. I like your Ketrus mitt. Well, I think I've said this many, many times in the podcast before, but Well, I think I've said this many, many times in the podcast before, but the big turn on with sex is you're seeing this woman in a totally different private thing. Yes.

So that's why it's sexier to me when a woman is very conservatively dressed or like a library or a school teacher or that's why like the people, not to name names, the people that are like online, like with their pussies out and their tits, it's not as hot. That's why they were like poor. Poor, you're like, well, they're just set up to get fucked. You give it away.

Something hot would be like a fuck, you know, you see. An Amish brawn. Yeah, or like. Roe brawn. Michelle Obama naked. Or Hillary Clinton. Or Bill Clinton. Any kind of nude, you know, or like, that's why I'm really into newscasters.

Harry Jackson and Nicole Wallace and Peter Jennings. Like anyone that's like, hello. Yeah. We got a story just came in like that. So you want to see like, oh, fuck. Oh yeah, Lou Dobbs and so Lou Dobbs Phillips That's why I think the more mommy they are the hotter it is to be now You're you're I'm fucking the baby's sleeping. It's very exciting. That's a great point Fanny

and I always say when I was a single days on the road the skank that's kankies, but the Wildest in the sack like the most uninhibited skank, not skankiest, but the wildest in the sack, like the most uninhibited kindergarten teacher, first grade teacher girl, she's dealing with paste all day, she's doing letters and blocks and then and coloring and all this paint, finger paint, horse shit, you get her alone and she's like, I'm a grown up! Ahhhh! You know, like dirty me, slut me, because in the class you can't say you got to say fudge and off fully and Hockey sticks and then at home. It's like put that lamp in my b-hole Exactly the cups just toppled. Oh jeez, but

No, I have a close friend who recently dated like a third grade teacher and he was like I can't get any sleep This woman's spitting in my eyes she's gargling my cum there you go looking at pictures of you and your underwear you gotta fuck her like a teacher like one two three all right what did I give it here's the D take it to the A you know right keep it elementary so it's uh what's very exciting we set up the boy and we got to go out with the four boys. Hey! Four boys.

Let's do it. I love it. We'll put little gay suits on them. The four guys. I'll get the baby shades ready. Baby shades and we'll show them how to shave their pubes when the time comes. It's very exciting.

Ooh, yeah. Because eventually, they'll be basically the same age, which is very exciting. Very exciting. It'll be a little gap out of the gate, and then it'll even out the same age, which is very exciting. Very exciting It'll be a little bit of a gap out of the gate and then it'll even out probably gap for a while It'll be a long five years or something like that four years. Yeah, and then after that it's just Twinsies. Hey, how cute is that? We could pass it off and have Tuesdays with stories going for another 75 years I mean one of these two guys they just become,

you know, podcasters. We pass it down. I love it. They'll do Thursdays with tales. What you think about, you know, if you have a hardware store you give it to your son. That's true, family biz. So we give them the pod. But then they're gonna push back, I don't want your life dad, my old man. Then you go shut up, this is what it has to be. Plus, they're not gonna be the kinds of guys that say retard and crazy and ten-com and blacks and blood and shit. Yeah, they won't approve of that peanut butter in the butt of a little baby. No, they're gonna be like, wha-wha-wha-wha-what? Well, that's the thing. Isn't that funny? I was thinking about this today.

Like, you watch a movie from the 40s before we were around and it's like I do declare And they have two beds and the pregnant woman can't be in the shot and all that you can't you can't say this and that And then in our day the 80s you watch Porky's and you're like Jesus like a kid now watching Porky's Which is like the 40s to a kid now Porky's 40s, you know like we were and when we kids, the 40s was now what a kid's is the 80s. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Kind of.

I'm not articulating it well. Yeah, the years separation. Yes. So you watch a comedy from the 40s and it's like, boink, Zad Zooks, you know, Charlie Chaplin's hanging off a train. And then you watch an 80s comedy and it's like, hey fucking whatever and then there's whores everywhere and bachelor party bleep that bleep that please but I'm just doing Gorky's literally that's in the script but bachelor party, animal house, all this stuff so kids today would be like goddamn

people were nuts back then people were irreverent people were balls of the walls offensive so it's our kids are gonna flip and go the other way from us is what I'm saying. Right, but the culture, because we're counter culture. True. So the culture is more like, you know, two black women are raising the white baby

and this father knows best on TV, I think. Yeah, yeah. maybe they'll be counter couch because we're we're legion of skanks fucking skank fest and skanks for the memories over here yes great out maybe the best comedy album in my opinion whoa I would have like put himself in there whoo but very different and then there's a couple Carlins that are great. Yeah, I don't know. That's tough.

Just Alvin itself. Chute Up is up there. Yeah, that's a special, but just CD, record, Alvin, put it on. Tough to beat that one. Shoulda hung out, man. Even the guy in the Babylon 5 shirt got a little. I mean, is she crazy like it says on her bracelets

Give it to me pop the smurf. Anyone here have tattoos scars. I think you're looking for the women's shelter Oprah will be with you in a moment. So you can show business Already I mean it's it's it's a it's wall-to-wall. I'm wearing clogs I can't tell a story. I mean I I wanted to sound like a boot stuck in mud, only weather. Pizza Pussy Santa. You know the origin of kids show business? No. So, in his, this is some inside comedy nerd shit, in David Tell's Comedy Presents, Comedy Central Presents, he doesn't like his set and he's like kind of sweating a little bit and one guy yells out and he goes I'm bombing folks I'm bombing this is what bombing looks like and then he has a just a flub

in Skanks of the Memories and a huge fan goes you're not bombing right referencing the old one and he's like who are you kids show like hey fuck you let me run this let me fly this plane but that's what that who are you, kids show? Like, hey, fuck you, let me run this, let me fly this plane. But that's what that was. Like, you're not bombing, you're doing great. The guy's homaging that. Yes. Oh, that's nice.

And it pissed Dave off, because it brought that up. Right, oh, that's fun. Yeah. Remember when you see Dave with all the hair, and it's so strange. I know. Yeah, he looks better now, somehow. Or maybe I'm just used to the bald.

Well, he was drinking a bottle of Jägermeister and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. It's true, don't forget the blow. He's still smoking, but... Now, what do you think of this? Maybe I shouldn't swim in these murky waters, but you mentioned the counterculture. Isn't it funny how people think they're countercultured now and I'm like, you're just agreeing with everything that Boeing says. Boeing? And I'm like you're just agreeing with everything that Boeing says No, well all these major corporations like Amazon and all this and the Washington Post

But you just agree with everything they say and all the politicians say but your counterculture You're like you're like saying the same things that the Oscars say right wait, but who do you mean? I mean like Comedians or our artists or whatever for power like fuck dude, we gotta fight back against the man. I'm like, well, you're kind of the man. Right. You're pushing everything that's supposed to be pushed. You have every hashtag and every flag and every saying. There's so many mans now though.

There's like, you just be like, the man. Now there's like, there's that man, there's the man. There's a pregnant man. Yes, there's the other man. Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, is that a man? I don't even know if that's a pregnant man. Yes, there's the other man. Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, is that a man? I don't even know if that's a man. Yeah.

So yeah, I think it's, I think everyone, everyone's kind of in their own worlds. Yeah. It's a topsy-turvy time. Topsy-turvy, they're like, ah, I'm pushing back. I'm like, but Nancy Pelosi said the same thing. Right. This old bag in the White House

who has huge tits apparently. Yes, a lot of these people I'm like, well you're the most powerful person. Yes, yes, exactly. So that's all. Just, just, I had to go, go back to the, the wise Buddha. Just, I need you to go. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Absolutely. You're right. I'm on board with you and I think you're the tops. Let's get into some stories. Let's do it before kids steal our business. Let's live, baby. It's hard, I'm telling you, I don't want to leave now. I got them all in the row, but you don't want to leave.

And you're like, he's not going to know me. Don't you know me? Now, speaking of which, that leads into my story here. So I think it was last, I believe it was just last episode. Last week, we were talking about You had a flight cancel. Yes. An eight hour thing and I was talking about how rare it is when you just show up and just has that red cancel. Uh, bummer.

It almost never happens anymore and people are gonna push back and go, well no, my flight, whatever, But I'm like, I fly a lot. You get the delay, but cancel is rare. Very rare, it's usually a big storm or or whatever a power surge or a mountain do but So I was like that never happens and I've been really lucky because we've traveled obviously more than the average person I've been flying 40 weeks a year for 15 years percent crazy so

I've been on a lucky streak So I'm in Milwaukee, did the improv. Thanks to everyone who came out. It was a great weekend, really fun. Beautiful club, brand new. Beautiful. Three years old, which is awesome. And the staff, so nice, some Tuesdays on that staff.

Hey, not a way to day. You tell, you can feel the vibes of who they're having because they're like, we are so thrilled. This is our favorite weekend. Oh my God. So I'm like, I think they're having something they're like we are so thrilled this is our favorite weekend oh my god so i'm like i think they're having some i didn't look at the calendar so i don't want to cast the spurgeons but sounds like they've had some stinkers coming through well they get these tick tock queefs and these youtube cunts and uh they don't have an act yeah i think they were like holy shit it was like i was fucking lennie bruce coming through well you would boulder that's a that's a hot hot show hell of a show and the fc was great too i don't remember his Lenny Bruce coming through. Well you and hang. Nice. Good green room. It's a cute town too. Yeah, well we were in...

I got three instruments down here. That sounded like the needle jumped on the record. I did, yes. He bumped into the bureau or whatever. So anyways, we're in Milwaukee. I'm flying home Sunday morning now and this is another thing with the baby stuff, a lesson I've learned is in your mind you're like, I'm going to book the baby stuff a lesson I've learned is in your mind You're like I'm gonna book the first flight back so I can get back to that baby Alleviate my wife and I gotta get my teeth in that baby Yes, what you do is you're gonna give me the 6 a.m flight. I gotta see the baby. That's so funny You wake up at 3 45 you fly across the country you get home. You're like, I gotta nap fuck off

I can't be with this my head's spinning yeah I gotta go to bed I talked to Tony Dayo great friend great comic past guest he said the same thing after a year of that his wife was like please stop booking in the morning flight it's useless why because you know you're as I'm useless you're sleeping three hours and she's like it's not you're not even relieving me oh you just booked the 1030 flight get home at 130.30 with sleep. And you'll be refreshed. And we'll be ready to go and hang out.

That's very interesting. So from Milwaukee, I was like, I'm booking the 1030 because the week before I had booked 6 a.m. I'm fucked. So I booked the 1030 and I'm like, this is great. I'll sleep till eight o'clock, which is heaven sent. I'll get home at 1.30, not bad. Still have most of the day.

We've got six hours left with the baby, I mean. So I'm excited about the flight. I'm gonna sleep, beautiful. I do two shows Saturday night, fun shows. I'm walking from the stage to, you know, when you get off stage, you kind of take your phone off airplane mode to see is anything emergency happening,

do you have a crazy habit? While I'm walking to do the meet and greet. And I just see cancelled, your flight's cancelled, and I go what? It goes rebooked for 6am. I'm like oh the universe is getting you. So I go fuck you, I was so excited, they'll sleep till 8, now I'm going to get to 345, fuck off, I'm going to be on no sleep, this is my one chance to sleep. I do the meet and greet. Everyone's wonderful, photos, gifts.

People have been sending to give, Starbucks gift cards, portraits, books. It's so beautiful, thank you. I'm very grateful. Then I finish the meet and greet, go back to the green room. Now we're done, four shows, all great. I go, woo, fuck, it's 6 a.m.

I go, Baldr, I'll drive to the airport now, because he was ahead of a 7 a.m. flight. But I can take you to the airport. I look, Monday, 6 a.m. Oh no, your whole day's gone. So not even the next morning at 6 a.m. Now I still have to get up at 3.45 a.m. But now I'm stuck in Milwaukee for a day.

Now I'm losing a whole day of my life with my child, with my wife with my child man I would be sleeping that's not bad well the tennis gold medal match was having at six and so I'm like fuck and so then you have first now I'm sure you've had this first you have this thing of like I have a limited days in my life with this child. He grows every day. I'm losing one. Fuck you. Fuck Delta. Sarah's already asleep. So I couldn't even tell her she wants to be relieved because she's been alone with them for three days.

And I'm like, first thing in the morning, I text her. She's on airplane mode, whatever. She wakes up. She's like, that sucks. We FaceTime. I'm like, I'm sorry. I hate myself. This is a bummer. And I look into flying from Chicago. Is it, could I drive? Why this flight? And then you realize you can't. So then you accept it. Then once you've talked to the wife and see the baby, then you go, Hey, I got a day all to myself. I got a rental car. My whole life is wide open.

I got it. It's a Sunday, so nothing's expected of me. You know, you're Kevin McAllister. At first he's like, where is everybody? Then he's like, I have the house to myself. Now you're jumping on the bed, you're ordering pizza, you're eating Twizzlers. I made my family disappear. Yes.

So then I realized I go, I want to go to a, I got to do something fun. I got to make the best of it. Yeah. So I went and found a park, went for a long hike, then I did some work, I created a thing, I made this thing, I wrote, I listened to a full set while working out, which is the best move, by the way.

You go to the gym, you put a set on, once you listen to a set, you're writing, then you work out, you're like, now I am working out and writing. Whoa, double whammy. I'm unstoppable now. Yeah, it's the most productive you can be. It sells so good, and it's one of the few things

you can do two things at once. Right. Because it's that top down, bottom up, which I never know the difference. That sex move. It's pretty good. Yeah. Because if you try to like,

I'm gonna read and watch a movie, you can't do both. Sure. But working out, you can be bicycling and look at or curling while doing whatever. Yes. So I do that now I feel great. The Cubs are playing in Chicago. Now people don't realize this Chicago is only an hour and 45 minutes away from Milwaukee. Oh yeah. So I buy myself a ticket. I'm heading south. I'm driving to Chicago. I got a day up now. Sarah's like no sleep. She's bed and I'm like I'm driving to Chicago. Whee! I got a day off. Now Sarah's like, no sleep, she's bed.

And I'm like, I'm as bad as being off over here. Yeah, hey, better, better, better. So winged, better. I think I broke my thumb. So I hop in the car. I put on some Patti Smith. I'm on a big Patti Smith kick. I'm reading a book.

I'm listening to all the albums. I cranked that. I head solved. I hit my buddy Bart. He couldn't come. He was bartending, ironically. Ah. But I got myself a nice ticket, drove all the buddy Bart, he couldn't come. He was bartending, ironically.

But I got myself a nice ticket, drove all the way down, watched the baseball game, about six innings, because you're gonna drive all the way back. I don't forget I have a six-day on the flight, but it was beautiful. I wrote, I worked out, I hiked, and I went to the Cubby game, and Wrigley Field is always wonderful to be at,

so it was great. Wow, what a great day off. Yeah, and then I came home Monday, I was very tired. And it was also nice, because I had nothing scheduled for Monday. Usually we're podcasting, we have a show, and then you gotta go, hey, I can't come, can you make up this, whatever.

I didn't have to touch my calendar. So then you can touch the baby. So it worked out, yeah, I touched them all over. Yeah, well, the losing a day is fucking devastating. I lost one last Sunday, as mentioned also Delta by the way there They're slipping come on. I tried to be loyal and then Delta keeps fucking me right in the pooper Well, I think the surge or the whatever it's called round strike Yeah, who knows so

That's it hurts to lose that whole day. Just like god damn a day of my life is gone But he also had a great day. So great day It all of worked out. And then you see the baby and everything's fine. Yeah, exactly. And then it's life is all acceptance anyways. You just show, all right, what am I going to do? Sit here and stew about my ex? Good movie. Wow. That's great. Yeah. I had a friend listen to this. This is his story, mine But he's in Orlando for some bullshit some work thing. You know how we feel about Orlando Yeah, and by the way that airport is just full of kids with Mickey hats on and sticks hitting you in the leg. It's brutal He had an 8 a.m. Flight that got pushed to 8 p.m. So he's like fuck but I'll get home at 1130 whatever then he waited till like 7 or 6 p.m. flight canceled nothing left tries

to get a hotel all the hotels are booked they're booked Jerry can't get a hotel so he looks at his wife and he goes let's just drive it she's like it's a 15-hour drive back to Manhattan and he's like let's do drive it. She's like, it's a 15 hour drive back to Manhattan. And he's like, let's do it. They run a car, they drove to Manhattan through the night and had to work the next day. Oh, I know. What a trooper. But that's one of those ones too. You have to just embrace it and go, let's have fun. Make this memorable. Be like Griswold's whatever. I like the same thing, by the way, 14 hours from Milwaukee to New York. Wow. But I was by myself. You're like, that's not gonna work. Yeah, it's like a work. Cause he would strive for four hours, sleep for four, she would drive. So they had each other, but he's like,

it was divorce almost. It was just like at each other's throats. Cause you got to get off the plane or get off the airport, get on the tram, go to the budget rental, wait in that line, get the budget, it's a nightmare, it's the little things that kill you. Right, well that's the thing too about, and we've talked about this before, traveling is so difficult, but once you settle in, it's so worth it.

Yes, yes. Because you're like, I gotta pack up the thing and pack this and fuck it, exactly. You're at Avis, you're at Hertz, you're at Dick Hertz, you're going to the check. But once you're exactly that you're at Avis you're at Hertz your dick hurts you're going to check but once you're there you're like whoo with that you don't even have that I know it's kind of like all right off to work we go right right yeah when I was in Barcelona May's brother was like hey you want to go to this monastery it's about an hour out I'm like an hour we got the beach right here we got Barcelona right here and he's like it's about an hour out I'm like an hour we got the beach right here we got Barcelona right here and he's like it's beautiful it's breathtaking

it's on a mountain it's from 1408 AD BC AC DC and I was like alright fuck it then you got a wait line at the rental then you got to get the rental then you got to drive out now you're sitting in traffic and you're like I'm sitting in traffic in Barcelona I could have gone to the beach but we got there it was beautiful right so you just push through it's worth it you gotta just you gotta do it so I got a weird one for you I do I love weird all right so I mentioned last week that uh we did a protect our parks a while ago Shane Gills was going to this football wedding McCaffrey I believe yeah right They got married to some hot piece and

Shane's like I need a tuxedo and you know Rogan being the Rogan he is goes oh I need a tuxedo too I'll set it all up and then me and Ari show up but he goes you guys want suits and free shit so I go yeah yeah bring it on these are like top of the line I finally got my suits in the mail I said Rogan a nice thank you I put the suit on. I put it on last night, I slept in it. Cause you know, you get this nice suit. I mean, this is tailored to every inch of your sack,

your ankle, your wrist. It has MN on the cuffs. Wow. The inside jacket says Mark Norman with like crazy letter. Like this is high end shit. I've never had anything. Taylor made. Taylor made, yes.

Taylor Clark. I. Taylor Clark. I love Taylor Clark. Yeah. So I go, oh my god, I text Ari. I go, these suits are amazing. Ari, of course, got a checkerboard, you know, red, gray, ridiculous, you know, bullshit. Like the guy, what's that guy who sells books online? Matthew, you know, somebody's like, you can make $600 in five minutes

it looks like Louis CK now he's got wacky glass he looks like the Riddler it's very early 90s he was a yes similar but he was like a scam artist money guy like you know you should have your money work for you call me and I'll make you nine million dollars in ten. Cause there's the money guy that looks like Louie. Oh! He's the current money guy. Bad Jim Cramer. Is that right?

And money, yeah. Wow, okay. Yeah, you got the guy? It's gonna take some finessing. It's a deep cut. I'm thinking the Curious George guy. Matthew Lesko. Lesko, that's it.

Lesko, let's go. Let's go. Let's fucking go, baby. Boy, let's go really took off. Unbelievable. I was in the Alu Akbar. It's huge. Yeah.

I mean, that's all Brady. Is it? I believe so. I didn't know that. I think it's a Tom Brady joint. Wow. LFG. One of the few times I said I'm gonna jog, side note,

I'm jogging and start pouring rain. So I'm like, fucking out jogging the rain. You feel like you're I'm gonna jog, side note, I'm jogging and it starts pouring rain. So I'm like, fuck it, now I'm jogging the rain. You feel like you're on 30 for 30, you know, you got the sports interviews in the back. And I'd run by a couple other guys who were jogging and they were also had that same feeling like, fuck it, we're doing this. It was like a Marine Corps thing. And every one of them said, I want to do one of these and they go, let's go. And I run past another guy and I go and he goes let's go Let's go. It's big. It's too big. We need a new one. It's weird. Oh, it just catches on I was well, I was talking about this before about how the young people they don't say really they say actually Is 16 he's in Massachusetts my niece I've been this was 12 and lives in Gig Harbor and she says it.

I'm like, how did that happen? Can you give it a sentence? You said, give me a fact. Um, uh, America was a bond and seven spot in 1776 are founded. Actually, oh, they do do that. They say really? Yeah, really? You went, Oh yeah.

The, uh, the, the penalty for chewing gum with your tits out is three years in jail. Yeah. Really? Yeah. They say, actually? How did that happen? How does that culturally happen across the nation? Yeah. A whole generation stops saying, really? Yeah. Start saying, actually? Well, people would say it's the internet, but I think it's something else. Because we did it with Richard Gere with the gerbil in his ass. We also do it with like, uh, Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin, Lay Today.

Right. Every kid in America knew that song. That was never taught, that was never in a class, it was never on a billboard, it was never in a print. But it's passed up, and that's the thing, that's a song that's passed on. It wasn't like we sang... Mmm. One, and then then the lyrics changed. Like this is just like a cultural... That's true. We changed from one to the other. It's true. Who was the first one? There has to be a first person that said actually? Who's the Jackie Robinson of actually? I would give you another one. I'll raise you this. We were growing up, people would say, I feel like it's oh shit. I fucked it up

They go I think it's 1981 this movie and now people go I feel like this movie was made 1981 Right I feel like replaced. I think oh, I feel like we should go out tonight It used to be I think we should go out tonight, right. I feel like we should go out tonight. That's sad. Interesting. Observation. So, I text Ari with the suit, so Ari of course, the big idea man, goes, uh, hey, we should go out tonight with these suits on and just paint the town red. Like, go all out, boozin', hit every neighborhood, you know, whatever.

So I go, ah, you know, I'm fat, I'm lazy, I'm gay. Ah, we'll go out, we'll get one. Because you gotta think, going out with the suit on means I have spots tonight. So I have to wear the suit to the spots and then meet Ari. I don't wanna do the spots and go home and put the suit on and go back out. Are you in Austin or New York?

No, this is here. This is last night. No, what's today? This is last night. No. What's today? I don't know. Tuesday? Wednesday. Wednesday.

This is Monday night. The media's never know what day it is. They take a lot of pride in it. Yeah, you got that right. So, what are the best parts of the job? It really is. I told you there's a thing called a day clock, and my friend Ira Proctor was like, tell me that's not an invention for the media.

It's like you wake up and you're like, what is that Tuesday? That's true. That's true. So yeah, it's Monday. We go out Monday night. I have two spots in the stand. So I was like, all right, great. Then I put the suit on, I go to the stand and I'm already dreading every come guzzling

piece of shit comic going, what's with the suit? What's going on? Whoa, what are you having? Getting caught? Whoa, what's with the suit? What's going on? Whoa, what are you having? In court? Whoa, what are you getting sued? Whoa, what's going on? Whatever, you know, you're running Wall Street. Just thinking about it, I wouldn't be able to do it.

Yes, so I came up with a plan. This is how much I hate dealing with this shit, that I had to come up with a plan to get out of it. All right. So I walk in the stand, everyone goes, whoa! Big Daddy Moneybags is here, and I go, funeral. And they all went, oh jeez, oh, who died? I go, ah, they go, so sorry, good, good Godspeed, praise Allah, you know. That's good. I was pretty proud of that. I just pictured being like a sharp, you know,

yellow scepter. Dumb and dumber coming in. Right. To the top and ruffles. So I do my sets. By the way, I get the Malaney, the Seinfeld. You put that suit on, you're up there talking about squirting and you just feel like a man. Right. I brought a suit to my last special. Remember it was in the closet.

I brought it. I was like, I'm wearing a suit. It's going to be viral. It's going to be huge. And that was my big mistake, not wearing it, because it's not viral. But then you gotta put it on and keep it crisp. I know. And smooth. That was the other thing, it's so hot,

I'm sweating in this thing, so now I got the ring around the collar, it stinks now, but whatever. So I do the sets, fun time, I check in with Ari, he goes, hey, I just finished a pod, I put my suit on, I'm with Sal. I said, all right, if he comes, Sal's a fucking Daisy Duk check in with Ari and he goes, Hey, I just finished a pot and put my suit on it with Sal. And Ari, if he comes, Sal's a fucking Daisy Dukes and a tank top. And I'm like, yeah, that's fine. It's a little weird. We're like two lawyers with our gay son.

And a celebrity. And a celebrity. And a hook shot. So we go to this bar. Of course, we go to one bar and we stay there for nine hours. We drank so many martinis and we just live you know We're in the suit so we're trying to go with the theme of like rich powerful guys like couple rounds of martinis We get martinis. It's cut to it's like out of a movie cut to the table Which is empty like hundreds of empty martini glasses the lady at one point. We stayed there so long

like hundreds of empty martini glasses. The lady at one point, we stayed there so long, she goes, guys, I'm out of olives. We drank her out of olives. Actually? Exactly. Actually out of olives, I feel like she was out of olives. And we stayed there, at one point I go, it's four a.m.

And Sal has two kids now, or has a kid on the way or whatever and he's like, oh no, I gotta be up in an hour or whatever. And me and Ari are so shit-faced, we're just stumbling on Avenue A in suits. At four in the morning, there's crackheads walking by us, there's hobos riding by on brooms, you know, and we're just like, nah, I jump up on a mailbox. I'm dancing on a mailbox. Ari's in a checkered suit, Sal's taking photos of us. Meanwhile, Hobo's like, in radical jokers? And we kick him in the face.

And I realized I'm on a city bike on the way home at four in the morning, 4.30, whatever. I get home and I'm like, what do I have to do tomorrow? Because I am going to be hung over. I look at my schedule, two podcasts, a conference called by agents, five shows and one of the shows is an hour set. I'm like, oh no, I got hammered. Like I haven't been hammered in 10 years, like it was high school. And I have the busiest day of my life in the morning.

And it's 4.30 in the morning. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. This is terrible. So did you make all the things? I got up and plus you got a pregnant wife at home. So you want to kind of be helpful, you know, with her and you want to, you know, be nice.

So I'm like, yeah. I mean, that alarm went off. Eee, eee, eee, eee. I got red eyes, I got my assholes bleeding, I'm coughing up olive jizz, you know, I got the, it feels like someone's shitting your mouth. Then the anxiety kicks in, the guilt, and don't forget, I have to do

my gay exercises in the morning. So I'm doing my squats, and then you're going up. I'm on a hangover. It's the worst feeling, that level, the changing levels. So I get my shit done. I chug eight pounds of coffee. I eat some breakfast. I go do the podcast. It's Adam Ray doing Dr. Phil. So he's coming in hot. He's got the full makeup on. He's spitting. He's killing. he's zinging and zanging. And I'm like, you got that right. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like Then you run out of there and do four other sets and it's pouring raining the whole night So you're in the rain Oh as hell but I got I did it all I did my last set at the cellar at 1230 Wow Yeah, and I went home and I just pushed the wife I said get out of here pushed her down the stairs hoping to kill the kid and then I went to bed for eight hours And I woke up and came straight here. All right I went out of Ari's cuz Ari's, you know, 59.

Yeah. And ugly and you know, Well, I was checking in with him throughout the day cause I was like, I hate myself, this is the biggest mistake. And he's like, I had the day off, I'm at the sauna. I was like, you motherfucker. Yeah, Ari doesn't work.

He's like the laziest, most productive piece of shit I've ever met. He really is. But yeah, he gets stuff done. He's one of these, you know, they of shit I've ever met. He really is. Yeah, he gets stuff done. He's one of these, you know, they say work smarter, not harder. I think he's doing that. Well, he also, like, sometimes you are with him and he's just on his phone the whole time. That's true.

And that was my roast joke about him. Oh yeah, he accused Chris Rock of being lazy. Then every time he shoots a special, he leaves for eight months. Something like that. Yeah, he goes to Thailand. Yeah. Hey, folks. Tuesday's story is brought to you by Helix.

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Tonight I'm driving along on the run on. Oh yeah, I heard. What's that? Is that a corporate? No, it's a Long Island gig. It's way out. It's like a mon talk. Oh boy.

So being a Ron-On, I gotta get pretty chummy in that car. Well, you gotta do a lot of mon listening cause that guy can mon talk. I tell you that. And that'll be fun. That's nice. Bring it on. Yeah, I'd rather listen than talk.

Love Ron-On. Hot new episode of Joe and Ron Out. We went full politics, we went everything, it was fun. We talked about lawn legs, 48 minutes in, and of course trashed it. Ron on sentence. By the way, I went and saw Twisters. Walked out after 20 minutes.

Come on! Oh, it stinks out loud. Come up worse than the, cause the first one wasn't great either, by the way, but everybody loved it cause it was new and fun. And fun and silly, Silly, the cow. The cow. Well, we didn't do a full walk.

It was Dan Bulger and I went to saw it. And then about 20 minutes in, I was like, this is terrible. And he's like, I hate it. So we went to the new M. Night Shyamalan. Shyamalan and Ding Dong. Yeah. And that's a bag of cheese, too. Whoa. Well, he stinks.

M. Night Shyamalan stinks. He had one good and then one OK. And then it was just a big pile of diarrhea. Well you look at his Rotten Tomatoes scores. It's like 31, 28, 24, 36, a 61. Well he got, talking about the zeitgeist, he got that I don't see, I can't see dead people. All I see is dead. Oh yeah, whatever.

Well that, that popped like Houston, we have a problem. Right. And the Macarena. Yeah, it's, uh, boy, but dad, plot holes are plenty in this movie. Wow. Trapped. Have you seen the trailer at all? For who? Trapped.

Trapped, no, no, I haven't heard of it. It's like the dad takes his kid to a concert and then they're looking for a serial killer, but he's the serial killer. And I'm not giving any away, that's in the trailer. Sure. Which you think that would be the twist. Right.

It's like, oh my God, it's the dad the whole time. Yeah boy. It's it stinks out loud Wow Just make it about the board game. We'll call it night. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, they made battleship. Oh Yeah, that was that was a big bag of hot Seamen has been Oply ever been a movie City and oh yeah, they're making it jail seriously. They're making it. Jail. Seriously they're making it. Oh well. Yeah you go to jail, you buy a hotel, that's awesome. Do you ever think when you have ideas we should call somebody powerful men in Hollywood for God's sakes because I'm like I just came up with this idea like Monopoly the movie. There it is. You're doing Atlantic City, you're trying to get the thing, you go to jail, you whatever and then you're like they're already making

the guy that came up with this idea is probably making 78 billion dollars. Yes Parker Brothers. We're the farter brothers Yeah, we should came up with something. So wait, uh, you see the Vince Vaughn clip going around. No, I don't know the VV Well, he did a I do enjoy a good Vaughn Vince and he went on hot one love Vince Vaughn I know that hot one show. I've heard of it and He goes hey The interviewer was like what's up with our movie already movies you made When crashers old-school swingers like all these killer movies where's the next one? What do we spend 20 years and he goes well? And he breaks down why there aren't any and it was pretty it went viral

Really? It was just like hey every exec is scared they want an IP What's IP again? Intellectual property ah so they want a battleship. That's why I brought up because he brings up battleship He's like battleship is the dumbest idea for a movie ever, but people have heard of it right side B So just make that piece of shit and hopefully we sell some tickets you throw out hangover naked Asian guy, bag, retard, drunk white guys, you know, it makes him nervous.

Right. And so he's like, put out Marvel 71, Hawkman dick. No, it's awful. It makes me so sad. You walk to the movie theater, it's all remake, prequel, sequel, remake, remake, comic book, fuck off. Well, did you hear the, I can't remember what company, not Pixar, not Disney, but another one.

Paramount, maybe the head of it, said no more message in movies. Let's try that. Because we tried it the other way, and we lost a shit ton of billions of dollars. Oh, good. Let's try the other way. And and we lost a shit ton of billions of dollars. Oh good. Let's try it the other way. And Twister, Twisters?

Twisters. The director came out in an interview and they asked about climate change, because it's about tornadoes, and he said, I will not have one ounce of climate change in the movie. And the guy was like, well, it's a big platform. Don't you think that's a little unsafe or whatever? The guy was like, it's a movie. It's an action movie. Let's leave it at that. He's like, I believe in climate change. I'm all for helping it, but this is a movie and I got, I gotta respect that. But can I just say this though, to counter that,

if I watch only 20 minutes of the movie and it is also a fucking 12 year old girl who's the biggest genius in the history of climate change and the guy's a fucking idiot and here comes the man who's like in his glasses and he's like we can't do that I'm the corporate white man right and then she's 11 and she's like picking up grass and smelling it and throwing it like we gotta follow the genius so you know you know. What about Glenn Powell? I thought he was... I don't know, I didn't get fired up to see what he does. But yeah, he's a cool guy, whatever. It was just so cliche and whatever. And then by the way, the woman, I'm watching this movie,

she's from Oklahoma, she's the Oklahoma kid, she's, you know, tornado girl. Okay, see. And then in the middle of it, she's like, I'm going to Oklahoma, September 3rd to the 5th, we should do plugs in the middle of the show, people keep telling you that. But-

But cool. In the middle of the movie she's like, what's up the tornado, my heart? And I was like, the fuck was that? She's just like full British, I look it up, she's British. Ah, alright. In the middle of the movie, why did the director go, cut, can you not sound like George Harrison please?

That's fucking nuts. What is she, Greta Thunberg? Like, how does she know about the winds and the grass? I don't know. It's so annoying. And then, oh my God, this is so fucking funny. And Dale Beltrami at this point, I made the same point on Joe and Ron Hontok movies.

So apologies if you listen to both. Most likely you don't, face to the numbers. But there's the guy, you got the guy, you know, there's always the guy in the truck in every movie. Yes, yes, the truck. The people that but there's the guy you got the guy you know there's always a guy in the truck in every movie yes yes the people that there's people that drive the truck into the storm and throw the thing up there and they're in danger they're all gonna die and then there's a guy back with the earpiece going you gotta go 48 miles northwest yeah everyone dies except the guy in the van the girl this is the opening scene don't worry about it

who stinks and then he's like this, you ever wonder why it was you and me that got out of there? And Belger makes a point, you're like, well, you weren't even in it, that's why you got out. You were down the street in the van. He's like, what man, did God bless us? Why were we, I'm like, you weren't there.

It'd be like, if you were in the Empire State Building talking to someone that survived 9-11, they're like, how come we got out? You're like, because you were uptown, you jackass. But any parts, you know, she's the crazy tornado girl and then everyone dies and shows now she's in Manhattan with her business suit and they're like, you gotta come back. Yeah. We need you. And she's like, well, the business lady Just too much I couldn't take it that is a big spoonful of message, but what are you gonna do with very message II? My message about this two things I saw two things today

Lucy K. Joy My pilot pilot is in the audience. Well the other day We had a fine out of this too offensive, too hot for TV. I can't wait. I wanted to tweet it, but you know, I'm afraid of the backlash. I got a baby now and I gotta make money, but we had a trans woman pilot. What do you think of that?

What? I'm okay with that. Well, I like it because if you're gonna have a female pilot, you want them to have been a man at some point. That was my point. Yeah. So, but it was, I mean, a side pilot, you want them to have been a man at some point. That was my point. Yeah. So, but it was, I mean, a side pony, which is bold to be a traditional woman and like had the side, very quirky side pony out here.

Maybe it was a comb over pony because, you know, he was a guy deep down. Oh boy. But you know, you want the pony, but your hair is still thinning. No, I think, I think it was full hair Okay, she had full beautiful luscious hair, but side pony comb-over. What would you say? That's a good pun. Comb-over pony. Comb-over pony is a great punk man Woooowee! Oh, 24!

It's the end of an Asbury Park next week. Someone pull up a comb-over pony rock poster part next week. Someone pull up a comb-over pony rock poster. But anyways, if you're a pilot, I just think this is what I think. I don't know. I don't want to get too, but it just feels like this person must have been new to a woman. Because it just feels so weird to be a pilot, a fucking button-up suit pilot. I'm going to, I 175 soles on board and then put a scrunchie on the side of your head. Yeah. That's, you look like you're going to a kid's birthday party. That's true. Also, it is a cockpit. It's a tight space. You gotta know what your pony hitting Roger in the dead end over here, you know.

I just was like, what are you doing pulling back? And by the way, couldn't have been sweeter. We had the baby with us. She was so sweet. She him you know came over and gave him the wings and was I couldn't have been nicer. It was a nice smooth flight I'm not trying to despair but I'm like Brush your hair back or something. It's like if I was I was gonna fly in plane like come I had like a you know Yeah, you spike you do like hey everybody let's rock and roll What are you doing? But anyways, that was that pilot then my flight home from Milwaukee you know, Spiky Doop like, hey, everybody let's rock and roll. What are you doing? But anyways, that was that pilot. Then my flight home from Milwaukee,

there's all the kinds of lady pilots. Lady walks out, it was like a love story. This beautiful blonde woman, hottest pilot I've ever seen. She looked like she was like, I don't know, Russian or Czech, Eastern European, just beautiful blonde pilot. I was like, wow, that's the hottest pilot I ever saw.

Yeah. With the uniform, the captain hat, took it off, did one of these with the hair swoops. Whoa. And I'm sitting there just fantasizing about making love to a pilot, mile high club, my father's gay. I love it. Getting jet blue balls. Well then a couple minutes later, the copilot comes out hotter.

Come on. I swear to God, I want to take a photo, but if you get caught taking photos of hot pilots, I think they take away your license. I think Bette Laughlin did that. Well, so I mean, dark hair, and then they're sitting next to each, they look like the cover of a heart record.

Just beautiful blonde, beautiful black hair. You fly right into my heart. And I wanted to be like, I said, say good flight. And I was like, great tits say good flight. I was like great tits. Just a little while ago. It was unbelievable. Wow. That unheard of because you think a pilot, lady pilot fine, whatever, but like it's going to be the butch lady from the boot camp and GI Jane, but then they get a hot one and then two which which Cassie in the Sun back good. Yeah These were

Court I'm talking like 27 year old Now I'm flying the plane they can pull my yolk any day. Oh, yeah But yeah, anyways a lot of lady pilots out there which reminds me of Ted Alexander that great bit years ago. I think I'm Which reminds me of Ted Alexander and that great bit years ago. I think I'm, Obama, he's like, black president. He's like, tell me you have like a lady pilot. The bus driver. Bus driver. Oh wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. I've never seen it before.

But anyways. Wow. Lately's pilots, that's exciting. Tampa, Maxi Pad with wings. Too hot pilots, trans pilots. It's a beautiful world Maxi Pad with wings. Two hot pilots, trans pilot. It's a beautiful world. The future is now. Well, here's what I don't get. And this is going to ruffle some pubes. Oh boy. We're going to really get...

But the DEI hire. We keep talking about that. It's a DEI, it's a DEI hire. But DEI, it was implemented for good. So if it's a DE hire but DI it was implemented for good so if it's a DI hire why my point is if something is an insult maybe it wasn't that good of an idea it's if it if it's if it's your idea and it's you're implementing this new thing to help people and be more progressive if I use that against you you shouldn't be insulted. That's kind of a sign that it might have flaws,

is all I'm saying. Right, I see. So yeah, so you're saying they were like, we need to do this, and then when people call it out, they're like, hey, that's not true. Yeah, exactly. It just kind of, you're negating your whole message. Hey, we're gonna do this, this is a great idea,

this is a great move for society. Okay, well you did that. Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? What are you saying here? I'm like, well you implemented it and you championed it, so get behind it. I think you got a point. I have a point. Right.

Just a thought. I'm not trying to make some statement. I'm just saying like, is it good or is it bad? Which one is it? You keep telling me two different things. What's kind of like your old joke? Like, fat, she's is it bad? Which one is it? You keep telling me two different things. Well, it's kind of like your old joke. Like, uh, fat, she's beautiful. You look like her.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, so which one is it? Interesting. Well, hey, I got no complaints about these pilots. They really flew it, landed it, very few bumps. There you go. I just didn't care for the side pony. Little silly for my liking.

I agree, yeah, it's a little much. We gotta have a little decorum up there. Yeah, yeah, you can't have a mohawk. Right. Right? I guess you could. Well then does that raise the question, does the trans woman have a little more pull?

Ooh. Because she's, you go, hey, what's up with the side, oh! Rock on, bitch. You know, like, if it was, like if I see a black guy at the gym blasting music, I'm like, ah, you know, he likes the hip hop, he's working out, what are you gonna do, it's a free country. If I see a white guy blaring, uh, Phil Collins, I'm like, hey, hey, this is a public place,

man, like, what are you doing, this is a gym. Right. But I wouldn't do it to the black guy, because'd be like, well he's been through some stuff, slavery, George Floyd, I don't know, whatever. But uh... George Floyd's saying cut it. You get my point though. Yeah, yeah, of course.

You give a little leeway to the minor. Well, you don't want to be on a video. Yeah, that too. If I think of you yelling at a white guy playing Phil Collins, it's not going to be a hate crime or bias or anything. Right. You can go, hey, turn that music off. It's too loud.

Yes. They're never going to be like, this man's a piece of shit. Yeah. In fact, they're never like, this guy's a hero. There's a racial component. Yeah, there's a racial component if a white guy's telling a black person, I pitched the show, you know the show, inconsiderate shit. I love this show.

I think about this show three times a week. I think about it all the time too. Maybe we should get together and really pitch it. Let's shoot one. I think that's how you got to do it in this bit. These guys are cowards. I've been saying it for years. And so anyways, we pitched the show, we were putting together the show and I said, do you think I should have a black co-host or we just write it for a black person? Because this day and age seems a little insane for a white person to come up and be like, you shouldn't do it like that. You should do it that. Oh good point. And then the people I was bitching to were like oh you're out of your mind and I was like am I looking at a different planet? What? I've never heard of an exec not wanting a black.

They were like you're well this wasn't an exec this is the production company. I see. And they were like no you're looking too into this and I'm like I think the zeitgeist doesn't want straight white men saying, you're doing that, that's terrible what you're doing. Yeah. Like, yeah, of course. I mean, it's like not even like up for debate. That would be the number one thing is like, here's a, you know, what's the word privileged white guy, cis man confronting people.

Yeah. No, no, no, no good. But if you give it to, I said, Wanda Sykes, I was like, we should pitch it to Wanda Sykes. Perfect, funny voice, that'd be great. Yeah, Wanda's going, where are you going? You're going up the escalator, down the upside? You're a fucking piece of shit?

That's funny. You like big asses. A white guy going, hey, you're playing music too loud. That's not gonna fly. Yeah, that's cool. And they were like, you're crazy. Wow, you see, these people are clueless. And then you're like, I guess we're just living in different planets. Yeah Yeah, no, no, no one of the show to get man. It's run by a retard. Well, what are you gonna do?

I was like Chris Allen give me my buddy. Yes. I think I'm working with it this weekend. Oh, thanks. I love Chris Richmond No, no, he'll drive and and then we're driving to Greensboro. Greensboro's nice. You know it? Yeah. North Carolina? Absolutely. Greensboro's great. North and South, they're tough.

Charlotte's North. Yes. Raleigh's North. Raleigh's North. South you've got Charleston. Charleston and Columbia. Ah. Where's Wilmington? North. Wilmington, I think, is a hidden gem in America. Ieston and Columbia. Ah, where's Wilmington? North.

Wilmington I think is a hidden gem in America. I love that town. Dead Crow, yeah. I love the great record stores there, the comedy club. Brown on the Water. North Carolina's a fantastic state. I agree. I'm a fan. I love Raleigh. I could live in Raleigh. I might move there. I swear to God. What's the word that I'll tell you where I... Oh, geez. We're flying. What's the what's the word that I'll tell you where oh, she's real flying. Yeah, what's the word on battery par? Well, my landlord currently is in Greece. We don't know

Never too much. We don't know what's going on with our lease, but up here. I'm already gone I mean we want out it's it's our parking is a thousand degrees We'll carry that baby up the stairs. So we're going. Really? Well, I haven't made the arrangement yet, but if I could snap my finger, we'd be there. Hell yeah, I'd love to hear it. So then we'll be the closest we've ever been to each other. Isn't that funny? Still a river between. Yeah. Like Gaza. We're switching. Oh yeah. You're going to the outer borough, I'm coming to the inner borough. Wow, I'm downgrading, you're upgrading. Yeah, well you're moving to house.

That's true. That's gonna be unbelievable. We're moving to a place we can't afford. Yeah, well that's the trade-off. You get a house in a backyard, but you're over there in BK. Right, BK Broiler. Yeah, BK Nice. Wow, I think you'll be divorced about six months into this child raising. The baby will really split us. Oh, 100%. I mean, when he was a pool going. Yeah and it's got downs so that's not gonna make it any easier. But where are you gonna be there Slubby Jalopy? Um I'm going to the Olympics for punting and catching. Um well the big one of course

is Town Hall. Town Hall, is this right August 19th? I'm pretty sure. Sounds about right. All right well we I'm in SideSplitters in Tampa one of my favorite clubs and tickets are flying. There you go. And that's one of my favorite clubs one of our best markets I think. Oh that's one of the best comedy markets is it not? I mean. Oh I love Tampa I love that club We've been going there for over a decade. BT... God. Basket Party. I went there... I've been going there for almost 20 years. I went there in 2006 for the first time. So 18 years ago in the side splitters.

Um, speaking of Tampa, did you see what DiPaolo tweeted at Gomez? No. Oh, I missed that. Two of my favorite online presences. Somebody, for some reason, a Gomez got a book deal and he goes, Hey folks, crazy news, I got a book deal. What should I call my book? As DiPaolo wrote, can you believe somebody gave my dumb ass a book deal? Like something like a butchering it. It was the perfect line. Oh, you know, look at that. I can't wait for Skankfest. I mean, DiPaolo at Skankfest. Wow! That's gonna be a mile lap a minute.

That's too much for the census. I mean, it's gonna be next level, mind-blowingly fun. But November 9th, town hall, New York City. Come to that, that's the big one. Side splitters this weekend. And then I got crazy coming up. Portland Helium, Philadelphia Helium. My favorite club.

Oklahoma City, first time ever working there. I'm sure that'll be empty. That's the first we got in September. It's a good room. Where the fuck else? Bunch of crazy gigs, I can't think of a. Royal Oak, Michigan have come back. Last year I missed because of the baby.

So Royal Oak, Michigan, Portland, Philly, Tampa. Some of the biggest and best, funnest clubs in markets. So, and with Madison, coming back to Madison. Oh my God, what a lift. I mean, this is the top tier best choice clubs. I know, I'm excited. It's gonna be a great fall, gonna be a good summer. So come on out, I'll see you in Tampa.

Hey, I'm all over the road. Go to Punch Up slash Joe List, Punch Up slash Mark Norman. We're all over it. Get the tickets. I'm coming to Toronto, Chicago, I think Nashville at some point. I think I'm in, I'm going to Mexico City again because I love it there. We're selling some tickets. I can't believe it. Come on, Mexico City! Yeah, Portland, Oregon. I can't remember my dates either. I think I'm in Florida. It's some Fort Lauderdale and

another one over there Fort Collins in Colorado and Other stuff go to the website get some bodega cat check out the patreon. It's a how about do a bonus right now Keep it queefing keep it quaffing. Don't tell anybody what we said here and live it up praise all Oh, yeah, that was a dicey one. Rupert, you want to add anything? Chuck is dead again. Uh, yeah, check out my podcast, Reviewing History. We watch movies based on true stories that we go through them, tell you what's really

fake and make dick and fart jokes. Oh, that sounds great. Have you done American Gangster? Not yet. Oh, you got to just destroy that one. What do you mean? Well, a great film, but all horseshit. Oh. The whole thing.

OK. Yeah. There was never like a African-American organization that topped the Italian mafia. Ah. That never happened. And also the whole thing where Russell Crowe is like got his divorced son and then fights over his son. And they never never kid. Oh. They just threw that in there.

Weird. Doesn't make any sense to me. Why do they do that? I hate Hollywood. It's a great story already. I hate Hollywood. Please let me in. I'd love to move there and be a part of it.

But anyways, Braveheart. Did you do Braveheart? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a fun one too. Anyway, Braveheart. They call it the least historically accurate film in the history of films. I just rewatched it on a plane. It really gets the testosterone pumping.

I was like, oh, it's fun. Let's go. Yeah, I almost jumped the pilot. It was a lady. It's fun. The pilot is in the audience. Side pony. What was it again?

Cone over pony. Cone over pony. That's gold. COP. Um, all right. COP movie. All right. All right.

You know what a COP is? You know me. So I'll say mochi for the little key. That. Alright. You know what, C.O.P.? You know me. So I'll say mochi but with a little cake. That's it. You wouldn't think of it. Bye.