Tuesdays with Stories! - #569 Yelp Me Rhonda

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

Joe heads back to the foot doctor and then gets checked out in the steamroom. Ari Shaffir forgets about his date with Joe, while Mark gets harassed by the IRS with Raanan on the way to a gig. Also: Mark loses all his money on stocks, and Joe gets an unwanted burrito clone with Matt Wayne. It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - New DraftKings customers get $250 in bonus bets and one month of NFL+ Premium for free when you bet just 5 bucks. Just download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code TUESDAYS - Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories everybody! That's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what to say. Wow! We're in the basement! Party time! Excellent! I like to play. People are mad at me because I keep doing these drum videos, you know you

go to guitar center you can just wail on the drums. Oh, I'm aware. It's a good time in there and then people are like, you didn't say I like to play, you should have done Garth, you look like Garth, blow me. I'm like, alright I missed the Garth reference, I did a Ferris Bueller reference, fuck you. I hate you should have done and I hate you're better than that. You don't know me, I'm not better than anything. No, no you. I hate you should have done, and I hate you're better than that. You don't know me, I'm not better than anything.

No, no, I'm worse than that. Way worse. Well, yeah, you got all kinds of people, they write to you and you go, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, I got a friend, he's like, new comic, and he's like, I'm getting the meanest comments, something about me, they hate me, and I'm like, it's all of us.

He's like, no, no, mine are meaner, and I'm like, are you an idiot? You're, we all getting it. Oh man. I mean, like that's what someone said to the leg. You can't just be making fun of regular people. Cause I did this video at the cubs game and I'm like, look at this face. Look at this guy. And I'm like, well, aren't we all just in the public domain? And I'm like, I'm a regular person. Yes. Like it's not like, um, you know, uh, Jane Fonda, you got that right. I'm like, I'm a regular person. Yes. Like it's not like, you know, Jane Fonda. You got that right. I'm like an asshole.

I'm an uneducated asshole telling dick jokes. And every day someone's like, you skinny faggot, you piece of shit, you're a bad dad, you're a homo, you hack, you fucking suck dick, you fucking faggot, whatever. I got a few right. And I'm like, why can't I make fun of a guy who's not, he's just walking around?

Well, you know what the new backlash is? The new swing is all these queefs in the crowd work videos are going, hey, I never said you could film me. I came to a show, I don't want to be on camera, I'm an audience member, take it down around Sue in there, Pauly Shore or whoever's out there. Wow, now we have to put the paper up on the thing that says, you agree to be filmed. That's what it is. On every show.

Yeah, yeah. I had a lady, I did a spot at New York Comedy Club, and she came out, she was like, I saw a camera in the back, I can't be here, I'm wanted by the police, and da da da, and I was like, shut up, you crazy coos, and her husband came out, he's like, she is, she killed a man in 88 in Reno just to watch him die. Wow, well that's interesting too, because people now, if you go on a date with your side piece,

Yeah, oh yes. All of a sudden, hey, I called in sick to work, I called my husband and told him I got a cold, and now here I am with Tom, Dick, and Harry. Well what's that Larry David doc, the long shot? Yes. He was at the baseball game and he got out of prison. Right, that's wild.

That's one of those ones I keep telling everyone I saw. I'm like, Oh yeah, big time. It's crazy. But I get it. I get it. He was at the, he was on camera. That's his excuse. He got out. All right. I never saw the wire. If we're really opening up. Oh, I saw the first half an episode and I think you know how I felt. That's human Tylenol Pia. That thing came came on I went oh it sucks no I mean it's great algorithm so is a war and peace I'm not gonna pick that up either no peace a lot of things you really just gotta go oh yeah I mean I never saw fire go between you me

and the lamp post I'm only rated I've watched it a lot of times I just saw full metal jacket in on the big screen with Ari what how? How about this fucking idiot? They love you a long time. Yes. So last week Ari text me wonderful Ari and goes hey you want to go see full metal jacket 35 millimeter film Village East 4 p.m. I bought two tickets dead center you think you died went to heaven. Wow. And I said I mean who are you talking to. I named a podcast after I. I love Full Metal Jacket. I'm all about the Full Metal Jacket. I want to put a rifle in my mouth.

Yes, Gomer Pile. I want to... Hit you with a socket in a soap bar. I'd love to be beaten by soap. It'll make me cum. So I was like, I'll be there, you fat fuck. Soaps come. And so today I got a full day, 11 a.m.

I got, I get the foot lasered off. Plantar fatty ice shoe? No, the wartarts, silly. Ah, the genital wart. The hot doctor's gotta blast off these warts. And this is another one, by the way. I've gotten 750 messages, put duct tape on it, rubbed two pennies on it.

Two pennies? Have Mark come on it. I have Newt, whatever it is. Well, I have Newt. Oh, that's a Macbeth. They mix up that stew and they go, I have Newt, a ferret's dick, a Jew's nose. Oh, that's a Macbeth they mix up that that stew and they go I have newt a ferret stick a Jews nose. I don't know Macbeth new That's great. I've watched it twice today. Okay. Well Macbeth whoever whatever Irish asshole you saw

Scottish I guess so they're all telling me but I'm sticking with the hot doctor the best selling. Yeah. All right. She's good Very funny by the way, I like that. Yeah, alright. She's good. Very funny, by the way. I like that. Are we allowed to say that? Yes, yes. Hilarious. I'm a fan. But anyways, I'm sticking with the doctor.

She's beautiful. She's attractive. I like going to see her. You don't understand what it's like to be 58 and married to the same woman for 25 years. Yeah, I'm getting there. I'll have lasers shot up my asshole just to talk to a beautiful woman for 30 set We're one-on-one in a room. Yeah. Well, it's like a champagne room, but it's very expensive I got a date and I'm into pain. So I'm gonna keep going. Oh, hey, this is good

And you like a lady in a uniform absolutely. It's like scrubs, but it's still something like a scrub It's not like white fishnets and like that silly hat. No, although that's a Halloween costume that's pretty hot. Maybe I'll see if you can wear a Halloween costume. Yeah, who had, DeRose had that great bit. You know, nurse is a hot Halloween costume. I've never seen a hot nurse. It's a black lady in Tweety Bird scrubs who's got like an attitude.

It's a great bit. That's very funny. He got in hot water for making fun of nurses. I saw that, I saw that. That was a while ago. But anyway. They thumbs down his business. He had some some problems on you on Yelp. Oh Cry for Yelp. Yeah, you helped me Rhonda. I Don't know

but anyways, so I got the Scraped in the shot and the boop and she's like it's looking better. You should be good one more week Whatever then I went over to the gym, you know, pretended to lift weights, hit the steam room where you get the warts from. And the gaze. That's what I like to do. It's like going from the dentist to the cupcake factory.

Yes, yes, that is fun, or the gym right to Chipotle. I did that also. Aha! So, to me, Chipotle's still healthy, by the way. I agree. That's the healthiest thing I eat. I see a tomato in there. Yeah, this tomato, this cheese, cheese to me, Chipotle's still healthy, by the way. I agree. That's the healthiest thing I eat. I see a tomato in there. Yeah, this tomato, this cheese, cheese is good, vitamins.

Ah, cheese is up on the fence with cheese. I thought cheese was calcium. You eat teeth, you eat bones. Yeah, yeah, there's milk in there. It helps your teeth grow. Who was the first guy to try cheese, by the way? That guy had some balls. Probably cheese, isn't it?

Dave Cheese or something? I don't think so. I don't think that. I think it's Louis Pasteur. All right. Yeah. Boots on the hands. Yes, yes. Isn't it crazy?

I know we talk about this occasionally. You throw it out there and it sounds like a mushroomy weed conversation, but you're like, how did they come up with ch-ees? I wonder this all the time. Cheese. I think it's a lot of Latin in there, the Hispanics. But how'd they come up with ch-ees? I wonder this all the time. I think it's a lot of Latin in there, the Hispanics. But how'd they get the Latin?

How'd they come up with x-nay on the hombre, homey? Yeah, and there's words that didn't exist that you're like, I got this feeling, like awkward, the word awkward. That must have not been Latin. Right. Was there awkwardness in Latin time in the Roman Empire? And then you just know the feeling yes

you know you're like I need a word for this feeling and awkward or whatever I was uh I was uh What's that word shame shame? Shames pretty old shame Gillis that goes way back, but like what's the word? What's the incredulous? Oh incredulous you know like what the hell what does that Oh, incredulous. You know, like what the hell, what does that mean anyway? Incredulous, I think furious. No. It's sensed. I don't think so. I was incredulous. I think it's confused.

Well, maybe. Give that a go there, will you there, Chuck? Incredulous, I-N-C-R-E-D-L-O-U-S. Yes. Credulous. Unwilling or unable to believe something. Oh. Unable to believe something. Oh wow, I didn't know that so kind of like what so I got I was incredulous I got a 10 inch dick Mmm. I don't believe you, but I need a word for that right that that's fun that they had to come up with it

And then how do you do it you call the the courthouse? Hey? Hey? We got a word here, but incredulous isn't like I don't believe you I think it's like get the fuck out of here you piece of shit You ain't got no 10 inch dick right? I think just saying the ladies love it incredulous Yeah, all right Incorrigible oh yeah, what's that? Well you ever hear corrigible. Oh, that's true. I've heard of porridge Porridge is like a soup oatmeal.. Yeah, yeah. What is in-courage? In-courage-able is like you can't fix it.

You can't get them to settle down. You're in-courage-able. Oh, hey, I'll take it. Yeah, there's no courage. So a kid is in-courage-able. They won't be very punctious. Absolutely. Yes. Okay. It's like he does all this.

He throws paint on the walls. He takes the shit on the floor. He licks the envelopes, whatever. There you go. All right, so where were you? What happened? You got laid in the steam room. So I go to the steam room.

And I had, I feel like the steam room is a place where I feel like a woman. Remember I had this story years ago at the Astoria steam room where the guy kept being like, you got a nice body, what's your name? That whole thing. And I almost fucked him just because I wanted to get him to stop bugging me. Sure.

And I've always wanted to try that. Yeah, that's how I met my wife. So, I had another one today where I go in the steam room after the workout and a guy comes in in a towel, very fit, and I was next to the thing you splash the water on. Yes, I love that. And he kinda just looked at me, he stared at me like this.

And then he looked at my chest like he was sizing me up. Oh boy. Then he took the water and he did, I love that. And he kind of just looked at me, he stared at me like this. And then he looked at my chest, like he was sizing me up. Oh boy. Then he took the water and he did a bunch of splashes, but he was kind of doing eye contact splashes. Ooh. He was like this. Like, what do you think of that?

You fucking little bitch. He's getting his rocks off. And I was kind of just like, all right, and I tried to pretend, like, you probably sleep, like all right. And usually, by the way, you ask permission, hey, you mind if I throw a little water on there? A little cum, whatever. You know what, this is the right. And usually, by the way, you ask permission. Hey, you might have a bottle of water on there, a little cum, whatever.

This is the code. That must be it. Hey, hey, you down? That's the gay move. Like that's, and it's like my back, and then this is the cum. Yes, yes. You want a little cum splash on your back. That's the sign language.

Like the old tap on the floor with the bathroom, with the Republicans and the stall. Sure. The rock splash is hey, hey. It's like they're with the earring in the right ear. I think he might be on to something because he kept staring and then I didn't give him like the back. Exactly, he didn't wave him in. And then we sat there and then he sat, it's a big long L shape.

Thank God, that's a weird dick. But then he sat right next, not this close, but on my side, which I thought was interesting. Yeah, yeah. And I just stare straight ahead, because I know what goes on in there. Sure. And then after a few minutes, he comes back over, looks at me again, takes it, a few more splashes.

Oh, he's asking for it. Aggressive splashes, and then he stares again as he comes by, and I'm like, uh. And once again, I'm just, I don't like confrontation. I'll fuck a guy if it gets him to leave me alone. I completely, if I was a again, I'm just, I don't like confrontation. I'll fuck a guy. If it gets to leave me alone, I completely, if I was a woman, I'd be blowing Lex right now. Absolutely. By the way, Chuck is dead again. He keeps passing away. Yeah. It's like Kenny in Southport. I never saw it. I tell people I saw it. It's like the wire. Brilliant.

But anyways, we didn't fuck, but he really steamed it up. Then I took a nice shower, headed down, did the reg, hit you up a Chipotle. Yeah, you made up something. Gay Zoom. Ate a burrito, then do the regs, and the regs, I gotta hard out, hard on, hard out, because I gotta go see Full Metal Jacket. Yes.

So we're going and going and going, they start 30 minutes late, I go,, I gotta go I get out at 350 It starts to rain. Oh, yeah, it's like I'm like John Cusack I have to run from the West Village to the East Village and up to 13th and second Wow I'm at the cellar I'm running the rain. It's 355. Are you supposed to get there get the snacks? Save the seat yep, I texted 355. I haven't heard from him like, hey, what's you there? I got this. Ah, fuck. I'll jump in a car. I'm like, I'm running. It's like a hot day. This is the biggest thing on my calendar. I got the poster up. I'm telling

Sarah my wife. I'm like, Oh, I'm going baby. Full metal jacket. Don't even text me. My favorite film with Ari. It's a date. No one else is invited Yep, he forgot So I'm running there I get there at 359 P and I go hey, I'm like I'm like Costanza. Hey, can I gotta use the bathroom? I'm gonna shit my pants. I just did a four-hour podcast. I have a ticket. It's coming the guys like just go down there Oh, I go down I piss I come back up and I go still no tall I goes there a lanky horse face piece of shit yeah ugly giant balls not a great comedian unattractive 78 yeah not great at all

but anyways he goes no no I haven't seen I go well can I go get snacks I got a ticket I swear the guys like you're good and I'm like I could have just gone and seen any movie for free. I think yeah Yeah, the one of these theaters are failing so I go in I get the big popcorn the big soda the big fucking ice cream All the shit the big soda now. I'm just standing like an asshole the movie starts at 4 p.m. I'm loaded up, and I'm keep telling the guy. He's like a cool black guy. I'd be like I got a friend. Don't worry Yeah, I mean the popcorn like this Hands you know finally Ari shows up and he goes,

these usually start late, which I'm like, when does a movie start late? Maybe the trailers. Previews. But there's no previews, cause this is a 35 millimeter bullshit special edition. We go in, and they're like nine minutes into the movie, he's already calling them all homos and queers.

Yes, yes, you can suck the silver off a tailpipe, whatever the line is. Yeah, it's pitch black. So we're walking up and Ari's got his ticket. He's like, we're in F-15, F-Troop. And the people are like, so we're stepping over people and moving. Everyone hates us. And we finally sit down and I'm like, you forget, it sounds so fun. 35 millimeter film print, but it's shit! Oh, is it? It's an old print, so it's like. Ah!

The whole time, and then the audio cuts out at times. It's like skipping and jumping, the whole thing. You're like, what are we doing here? It's like when you put a record on, you're like, this will be nostalgic, and then, bop, beep, bwaaah! You take one step, you queef, you fart, a mouse shits, the whole thing's ruined. I said the same exact thing.

Not to mention, one side of a record is like eight minutes. So you sit down, you put your feet up, you're like, all right, this is a little dizzy Gillespie, and then you just hear, shh. So I'm like, now I gotta go change the fucking thing. You gotta flip it and flop it, then you can't get the needle right. It's like finding a clip. It's no good. And so the movie's great.

It was one of my favorite films of all time. I loved the first half. I loved the second half. We had a great time. But then I had to hustle back here for the pod. Yes. So the movie ends and he's like, what do you want to do? You want to go to a titty bar, go to the steam room, blow each other, get some warts. And I was like, I got to go you fat piece of shit. So that's, that's what kills about art. We went out drinking last week. I had six pods to do the next day. I had to fly to Oklahoma and do a gig. I had to help the homeless. And I call him, I'm like,

this is the worst hangover I've ever had. He's like, oh, I'm still in bed. I'm like, it's four. He's like, yeah, I'm watching TV. I'm getting blown. I'm like, God damn, you don't do anything. His life is so nice. Cause I'm like, did I fuck you over here?

Cause he completely forgot about the movie. So now he just has to, all of a sudden, watch a two hour movie. And he's like, no, I wasn't doing anything. Wow. Nothing. Meanwhile, he's one of these work smart, not hard. Yeah.

He can't get hard, but he's got like David Cross episode coming out today. And he's at Kill Tony with a suit on, talking to Joey Diaz. And I'm like, you're everywhere, but you're nowhere. Yeah, he doesn't do anything. He's like, he's Kramer. He's Kramer. He is Kramer-y.

Yes. I bet Kramer's got big balls. Oh yeah, oh yeah, funnier though. Anyway, so then I ran all the way home and it was only since I got home, had time to see the baby, put the baby down, as soon as he went to sleep, ran down here. Hey, well good to have, boy, you got a lot in.

Lot in, baby, I can't wait for you guys to leave me alone well We'll be out of your hair in about 45 well I have this one my my wonderful wife is like the show got canceled and you're like Gonna go watch the Sox plus. I left the TV. That's the word I left the great Sox game just on now she's gonna come upstairs and be like what a piece of shit He leaves the TV on when I'm not here Leave it on for the dog. Yeah, the baby likes to hear the baseball game. That's true. It's very

Soothing it is till they go to commercial like get yourself a bowl of deodorant piece of shit Oh a deodorant. That's a weird way to apply it Oh, whatever. I had the same thing I used to put on a music when I'd fuck a couple ladies that I'd get the the Pandora So you'd be like I take'll take it nice and slow. Me undies. You gotta buy me undies. Stamps.com. You're like, come on man. You're ruining the moment. Not me. I wear sheath only. Yeah. You got that right. All right. So you've got a lot of stuff. You've been all over. Oh God, that just grossed me out and tear me out at the

same time. Sorry. I got a lot. This, this one I think is going to hit home. Every time I see you have a new kind of pants. Really? Yeah. You got all kinds of time. Sorry, I got a lot. This one I think is gonna hit home. Every time I see you, you have a new kind of pants. Really? Yeah, you got all kinds of pants. Amazon, $11. No kidding. Yeah, best deal I ever made. No zipper, though, so you gotta pull down

like a nine-year-old retard every time I go take a shit. I hate those, and then they snap up in your balls, and your balls and dick all shoot up in one direction. Good for an airport, you don't have to do the belt or anything, but man, when you've got to pee, I'm... Yeah, I don't care for that. The 10-inch dick, it's a lot of pulling down. All right, so let me run this one by you there, Fatty, because I think this will go right into your rectum. Yeah, shove it in, please. I'd like to come.

So I got this gig. Every year I do a gig in the Hamptons. And it's pretty good. This guy out in the Hamptons, I forget his name, he books all this stuff. He's got me in this nice kind of resort hotel thing and I go, great, it's a three hour drive, I'll drive it, come back. I need an opener though. And he goes, well, what about this guy? I go, oh Ronan, have Ronan do it. Recommended Ronan. Yeah. This is our podcast coach. Oh. Every six, seven months.

There you go. Try not to see him too much. So I text Ron, I'm like, hey, you don't have a car, do you? And he goes, I'll borrow Kaitlin Palufo's car. This guy loves to borrow a car. Great. So we get Kaitlin Palufo's car. I say, meet me at my house at 2.30 and we'll high tail it up, beat the traffic. Uh-huh. Three hour drive. So Ron on, right on time, 229 texts me, hey I'm outside. I go, this guy's alright. I like this guy, I get a couple snacks and some waters. I run downstairs, I kick my wife in the stomach,

she has a miscarriage. I go downstairs, I get in the car, and I go, alright we're all good. He goes, yeah, yeah, hang on. Oh my God. What's going on here? And I go, well just pull out and we'll be on our way. We got the green light.

Come on, baby, here we go. Because I like to zoom. Of course. Not on the laptop, but get me moving in that car. And he's like, oh, hold on, okay, now we're coasting. And I'm like, oh, oh, oh, it's red, it's red. And he's like, oh, shit, you know, we almost hit six people. And I'm like, you all right? He goes six people, and I'm like, you alright?

He goes, yeah, I'm a nervous driver. And I go, huh. But you got here? And he's like, yeah, I left like two hours ago. I'm like, from Queens? And he's like, yeah, yeah. I'm like, that's four miles, or whatever. So I'm like, well, we'll be fine. I put my feet up, we've got three hours ahead of us. Literally takes us about 25 minutes to get to Astor Place from my house. 25 minutes. That's an 8 minute walk. 8 minute walk, 2 minute drive. It takes 25 minutes, and at one point, he's fiddling with something on the dash, or doing something, doing his makeup.

Oh, I hate this man. We are going behind a bus, which I already hate. I'm like, you don't let a bus get in front of you, that's torture. But we're behind a bus, and then he can't find already hate. I'm like, you don't let a bus get in front of you, that's torture. But whatever, I'm behind a bus and then he can't find the brake. I hate to show the guy. Can't find the brake. And I go, hey, hey, here we go, we got a green light, we got a green light, cars are honking at us, people going around us going like, what are you doing? That whole thing. I have no stomach for bad drivers. I don't either.

I can't do it. So, we're on Broadway and 8th Street, or St. Mark's, or whatever it is. We're at Broadway, 8th Street, and the light is green, and he's not going, you can't find the accelerator. We finally get moving, now it's yellow, then it turns red, and he just keeps rolling. Oh, like Axel Foley. Yes, yes! Axel F. He keeps rolling, Dave Foley, and now we're in this Broadway, perpendicular, cars are coming out, we have a red light, and I'm going, this is it! Cars are just like, whoa, whoa, they don't hit us, thank God. And I go, that's it.

Holy shit. I'm driving. I'm holy, Foley Whack-a-Moly. So I go, pull it over! I pull it over, and he goes, you sure, you sure? I feel bad, I'm the opener. I go, I'm driving. I get out, he takes the car out, or takes the key out of the ignition and hands it to me. I'm like, why'd you take the key out? We could just put it in park, but whatever. So I get in the car and now we're hauling ass. But here's the clinker.

Now I'm driving the bus. Exactly, now I'm Batman. So I go, well here's the problem. I was in shotgun, I have a phone call to make with an IRS agent at 3 Now it's already shit. Huh? IRS agent whatever you call them Asian Hispanic whatever they are I have no idea so I go I was gonna sit in shotgun and do this call and like answer questions Now I gotta do the call while driving and it's a big call, okay

So you can make it a financial call in front of this guy. That's horrible. I was going to say the N-word to a black guy. He's going to jump out of the car on the LIE. Well, he knew the IRS agent, because he's Jewish. But there's a lot to unpack here, as they say. So I'm talking with Russell Altman, our businessman. Love Russell. Shout out to Altman. Great guy. So, he goes, something's wrong

on your tax form or whatever. We're way behind. We had to get an extension. So, we have to call the IRS, and they're going to ask you a bunch of questions. And I was like, well, I don't know. They're like, what's your tax ID number? I don't know that shit. So, he's like, I'll be on the phone, too. I'll do all the talking. You just got to be there for legal reasons. This is literally the most exciting thing I can imagine driving with Ronan while talking to the IRS. Yes.

And it's on the highway and it's raining. Oh, God. Just picture all this. It's just seven layers of hell coming at me. Side note, by the way, Ronan fired Russell because he was charging him too much. I know, I know. He's like, this guy's horrible, he's dog shit, he's bad news.

We talked all about that. Oh boy. We had a great hang, he's a good guy, that Ronan, a horrible driver. One of the great conversationalists of all time. Great points, everything he said, I was like, that's a good point. I never thought of it that way, that's great.

Very smart guy. He changed my opinion on like nine things, I'm gay now. There you go. So, driving the bus, and I'm on the the thing with Russell and then we're on hold with the IRS. So it's like, booty, booty, boop, boop. And Russell's like, how you been? Oh good. And then Ronan's like, can you believe? Long legs were so bad. I'm like, shut up, you fucking Jew face. So, I'm on the phone and then the lady comes on and she's like, hey, this is Keisha with the IRS.

My IRS number is 918. Fuck you. So Russell jumps right in and he goes, hey, he doesn't know much. I'll do the talking. And she's like, sir, this is the IRS. This is a legal whatever mumbo jumbo. He has to answer all the questions. And he was like, okay, sorry.

And then he's texting me, he's like, I've never been yelled at like this before, this lady's crazy, what are you gonna do? So now I'm reading texts, the whole thing, I got the earbuds in. She goes, all right, Mr. Normand, what is your tax ID number? And I'm like, oh.

And Russell goes, ma'am, let me just answer these, he doesn't know. And she's like, sir, I said he must answer it. It has to come from him. And he's taking it. He's like, I've never seen anyone like this. I'm like, oh. So I'm like, oh, I'm scrolling.

And he's texting me the ID. So I'm reading the phone while driving on the highway in the rain going 149628. These are long numbers. So she goes, that is correct. We do this for half an hour. Sir, please give me the date of birth of your last known parental unit. And Russell has all the information. Plus, she goes, what's your address? And I tell her my address. She goes, that is incorrect. And Russell's texting me the Long Island, all the information is

under the Long Island business address. So, I'm doing Long Island, Valley Road, 2189, and she's like, correct. We do this for a half hour, 35 minutes, we get everything right, and she goes, something's not computing, you have to come in. So, now I've got to go in. But, either way, the whole time I'm swerving, Ronan's talking about Hamas and Gaza, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, while reading the whole thing, it was the most stressful drive ever and it didn't, nothing happened, nothing came of it.

So I have to go into the IRS office. This is horrible. I mean, are you in trouble? Are you getting pinched? I don't know. I think you can go to jail, Wesley Snipes and the other guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Be careful out there.

Yeah. Well, I think something I wrote something in wrong. I wrote female or he she probably claimed you made 30 grand last year. What I would suspect. Yeah. I think it was something like that. But it's scary. By the way, the IRS, I always thought, cause they say the IRS and then there was a wrestler when I was a kid, Mike Rotunda, who was Erwin R. Scheister, which by the way is such a weird gimmick. He wrestled in like a suit. He came out with a suit and a briefcase. I remember him.

Yeah, and he was like, here comes, so I actually thought the IRS was like the president. I thought it was like a guy. Oh, that's funny. I never know it was like Yoquanda. Right. So there's like 300 IRSs. Yeah, good point. It's the Internal Revenue Service. So it's just like 300 IRSs. Yeah, good point.

It's the Internal Revenue Service. So, it's just like a bunch of people. Well, they are scary, but it's like nine-year-olds. We don't know what the IRS is. We don't know what taxes are and mortgage and stock market. Well, that's why I thought we had a guy. I thought he was like a lawyer for people. That makes sense.

The kid brain is fascinating. I remember when I was a kid, my parents had a law firm and they were at home, we were eating dinner and somebody called, Sylvia stuck in the patio. She couldn't get out of the patio of the law firm. We had a little patio with a gate around it. They're like, Sylvia, and I remember being a kid going, I thought she was in a little box because I didn't know what a patio was. So they're like, Sylvia's stuck in the patio. So I thought she got into a little jail cell. I didn't know what a patio was. So they're like, Silvia's stuck in the patio. So I thought she got in like a little jail cell. I didn't know what a patio was.

Yeah, I guess that makes sense. To me that sounds like the secret language of POWs. Ooh. Silvia is stuck in the patio. That means like we're coming to Napalm, the Asians or whatever. Yes, yes. Sounds like code.

Patio Riley, but whatever. Pat. Yes. So code patio Riley, but Whatever so patio furniture's on sale. I gotta go to the IRS. So we do the gig gigs great Ron on killed I had a good set they fed us. Well, we we drive back I drive back we get back great time Give Ron on some extra scratch, you know for being a you know, cuz uh Gaza and then Now here's there's where I've got to talk to you. Please, hit me. So you, a couple pods ago, you go, hey, this guy over at Altman, he's the stock market guy. Oh yes. He's good. He's going to change your life.

Mr. B. Yeah. Mr. B is big. Is it bad? Well. Oh, just hit me. I'm nervous. Mr. B. So I go, big. Is it bad? Well. Oh, just hit me. I'm nervous. Mr. B. So I go, boy, yeah, you're right. Well, your money should be working for you. Like a Mexican.

Oh, God. Am I fucked? Well. Oh, God. I took your advice. You gave me the guy's number. I go, I'm going to make some changes. I got a kid on the way.

I'm 40 years old. I'm gay. Oh, no. I'm calling Mr. Beast. So I give the beep, beep, beep. And this guy's good. He's very good. I think. Well he's on the phone like what are you doing? You could have made this much. You could have made that much. That's what he said to me. You're a man. Take

care of your family. How about you be a provider? You come does with Nazi. I go yeah. What am I doing out here? Oh he had me like I ran through a wall. Yes, exactly. Hey Kool-Aid and I gave this guy a lot of money Uh-huh. I gave him a little oh I went hard. I went whatever you're thinking Quadruple it. All right Stock market crashed three days ago. I'm fucked. What do you mean it crashed? It crashed. I didn't hear about a crash. Didn't it crash? So I'm fucked Well, if you put it a little in you're probably okay. Well, it was a little I didn't hear about a crash. Didn't it crash? So I'm fucked? Well, if you put it a little in, you're probably okay.

Well, it was a little. I mean, it's a relative. It's probably the same amount relative. I don't know. I went all in. I emptied my whole account. But it doesn't. It crashes.

It comes back. It's all pipes, Jerry. Is it? Of course. Oh, okay. What do you think? It's 1929? It's not the Dust Bowl, is it? I thought it was. 2008, 2001, 1980, whatever. I's 1929. It's not the dust bowl is it? I thought it was 2008 2001

Whatever I got a preen up. I called my dad. I'm freaking out. I mean the whole thing's in the trash No, it comes right back. Oh, that's not even worried about it. Oh really? I mean Lex makes about 12 grand a year, so I wouldn't get too excited about what he says Okay, he's got a 401k. That's a lot of K. Yeah. Three. That's not as much K as I put in the system. But that's why you don't even look at it. Oh, really? Don't look, don't talk, don't ask questions. Just give all your money to a stranger and don't talk to them again. Oh, I figured I'd have to call them and see how bad it is. I didn't know about the crash. You didn't even hear about it. It's a Trump's

gone at the Kamala crash. Oh boy. Cause it's her fault. Are we all right? Like sit me straight. You think we could go into a depression and a crash depression. All right. I'm freaking out. No, depress. Oh, we were well, we were in a regression or whatever the recession. Yeah Okay, all right. Well, I've been losing sleep over this. Oh god, should I lose sleep? No, you're fine. I put in hefty But it comes back. Don't you see Trump's gonna win and get us all our money Trump Trump Trump Yeah, they're long term it's only a problem if you're a day trading. Oh really?

Yeah. You just put it in, you don't worry about it. It's a low stakes. Well, I don't know what you did with this fucking lunatic. I went into all day stuff. I got a day spa. I got a daycare. I got a sunny day. No, you don't even look, you don't worry. It goes up and down, but ultimately it goes up. That's the key with the stock market. Oh, alright, alright. Don't worry.

I hope you're right. I've been panicking. I thought about moving to Gig Harbor. Oh, God, I'm going to call him tomorrow. I'm panicking too, pretending not to, because I'm making a big move soon. Yeah, big move. You call, let me know. I think we're okay. Alright, I'm pretending not to, because I'm making a big move soon. Yeah, big move. You call, let me know. I think we're okay.

All right, I can't call them. Because the savings account is shit. We're okay, right? How much did you lose? And does that come back in this weird? Of course. Oh, okay, okay. COVID it dipped.

Oh, COVID, it was demolished. Oh, all right. Yeah. I took a personal harder hit during COVID than last time. Oh, all right, well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I invested in the border wall, and right. Yeah. I took a personal harder hit during COVID than last year. Oh, all right. Well, I invested in the border wall and that never happened. COVID, 2008, all this stuff. Remember Wolf of Wall Street? It's all excited. Then the crashes this first day and then he ended up having a yacht and then he goes to prison like us.

Oh yeah. All right. I can deal with that. And then we become motivational speakers. As long as you get to fuck Margot Robbie, I'll take it. Sell the pen. Well, it got me all nervous though. I didn't even hear about this shit, but that's the way to do it. I think you don't look at it. You play the guitar on the MTV.

Yeah. I, you know, that ain't working. Maybe the crash will help us. Maybe it'll people will freak out and dump money in. I don't know. Who knows? I don't know how this shit works. But yeah, I think that's day trade shit.

They take a bath. They try to get rich quick, but that's the kid. You don't try to get rich quick. Lex. I lost like 6%, 6%. That's nothing substantial. I don't know for overnight, but it's you're not broke. Yeah. You're going to be fine. I thought it was all wiped away. I thought I just went away. It's probably almost exactly the same. Yeah, exactly. 6%. All right. Well, that's what he that was a speech he gave me and I don't know if we have financial people listening, but he was like, let's say you put in a hundred grand. Yeah.

And then he said, if you have the biggest crashes, which is like, you know, 2008, nine eleven, covid, whatever. He's like, with the whatever thing he put me in, he's like, the most you're going to lose is 17%. Okay. He's like, that's the most. So that would drop you from $100,000 in the bank to $83,000 in the bank. Oh, all right.

And he goes, now, if you went from having $100,000 in the bank to $83,000 in the bank, are you going to change what you're eating for lunch? And I said, no, I'm still going to go to Chipotle. Yes. And he said, but now you if you could gain 30% Over 10 years if you go to from a hundred thousand to a hundred and thirty thousand Right, is that right? He's like you might eat a better meal. He did use better numbers than that and I was like What the Chipotle

Exponential yes, so that if you make 30% Yes, if you you make 30% of $130, now you're making $31,000. If you make $31,000, then you all of a sudden, some bullshit. I don't know. You're making me feel bad. I just picture the guy outside the stock throwing his hat on the ground, stepping on it. Now I'm cooking a boot later, you know, I'm going to stick with a bag on it, I'm walking down the train tracks know I'm gonna stick with a bag on it I'm walking down the train tracks I think you're gonna be okay all right all right well you give him a call and see what he says I'm gonna call him up and say hey how's my 50 bucks do I think we're all right okay yeah just checking but that is the nice thing about having no money like 2008 everybody was all crying and killing themselves.

I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about. That's true. I had $112 in a checking account and 80 bucks in a shoe. Running a tire down the street with a stick. Nothing changed for me, but I think we're good. Overtime, don't worry. Once whoever wins will be, it's gonna be great. All right, RFK, here we go.

We'll see what happens. You see some of those Kill Tony clips? They're pretty fun. I saw a little bit and they asked me to do a spot but I was at fucking Magoobies. The story of my life. Oh man. They're like, come do a spot, you're a legend,

do Madison Square Garden, you've done it before, you deserve it, come kill Tony and I was like, ah, I got 112 people that bought tickets at Magoobies. You got that right. Where were you? I was in Richmond and Greensboro. Oh, well, we fucked up. I can tell you all about it here.

Please, hit me with it. I feel like it's your turn. I worked hard on the stock market and the Ronan. Well, this is just a silly goose thing that happened that I thought was funny. So you know me, I go to Chipotle every day of my life. Woo! Hey, that sounds like a good life. I keep seeing all these people on the news.

They're like, this man went to Chipotle every day. I'm like, I go to Chipotle every day and I'm hilarious. Yeah, what's the problem? This is some dick eating Chipotle. Oh, weird. It's like to supersize me. Yeah, but me on the news. Yes!

I go to Starbucks three times a day. Can I get on the news? I don't get why that's an accomplishment. I don't either. Seems like a loser. Yeah, people send it to me all the time. I get like a message from a fan, look at this guy. I don't care.

I do that. Yeah, yeah. Routine. Anyways, we go to Chipotle. I go with Matt Wayne, my boy, my main squeeze. He doesn't like Chipotle. It gives him the shits. What?

Yeah, but you deal with that later. I don't get these shits, people. I don't either. Mexican doesn't give me the shit. I think because I'm immune. Everything makes me shit. That's called food. Right. You got to get it out. You convert it to energy. Whatever it does to become energy, you shit out your asshole. Waste. But I think a lot of people- We have toilets. I think people eat Mexican, they're like, ah! Shit comes out as like hot chili.

Sure, I love hot chili. I don't know, I just shit regular after Chipotle. That's how I feel. I think it's a nice shit too. It's long and brown and lean. Yeah, I got a double tapered green shit every time I shit. It's beautiful. My lady's like that though. She's lactose, so she'll eat one scoop of ice cream. She's like, man, that's good. That's just a run to the bus station. Yeah, that seems fine. I don't know I like shitting and love shitting I mean if we didn't do it we die absolutely John Wayne had like 300 pounds of shit in his tits Howdy partner they always say I don't know John Wayne. I think you think it Elvis no John Wayne

I think was 80 pounds of shit in his Yeah, yeah, yeah, well he's famous for that's like what he's most famous for the searchers and shit in his, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he's famous for. That's like what he's most famous for, the searchers and shit in his butt. I didn't know that, holy moly. Pull that up, I think it might be a myth, but it's like something, it's not good. He had an impacted colon. Oh. Powell.

Fudge packer, I see. Well, I know Elvis died on the shitter. Absolutely, yeah, my grandma too. He was backed up from the pills, he was all the barbiturates. Oh right. He was backed up from the pills. He's all the barbiturates. Oh, right. You can't shit on the pills. Well, I used to take Vicodin for leisurely and you couldn't shit for days on that stuff. Oh, yeah, boy, those were fun as hell, those Vikes.

Remember that gig with Ira? He was just flicking them back there and we were catching them like pez dispensers. Then we got in a fist fight and ate steaks. Yeah, best night of my life. Big mistake. Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by DraftKings. NFL week one has arrived. That's exciting.

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And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the show. Back to the laughs. Well, anyway, so I went to Chipotle with Matt Wayne and we walk in there and it's a Spanish lady, she speaks very little English and I go, hey, I'm going to get a burrito and he's standing next to me, you know, good buddy. And I go, I'll get the extra rice and the, you know how I do and no beans, chicken, some queso.

And she goes, you want anything? He goes, no, I'm just here for moral support. And I go, this is my good buddy. He's just here for fun. And then we go, ha ha ha. And the people behind us, they recognized me, they started laughing and they were like, you know when people see you and you're being funny in public, they're like, he's just here for fun and we go ha ha ha the people behind us think they recognize me they started laughing and they were like you know when people see you and you're being funny in public so I ordered my burrito we go down the line I go get me this give me some cheese shove that in my ass I got a

gift card we get there we look down and there's two full burritos and I go that mall set and then she goes sir, you want anything else? And Matt's like, what's that? And she goes, you want anything else or exactly the same? And he's like, I didn't order anything. And Billy's like, yes, yes, you said. She said, you said. He goes, what?

So the whole day down the line, everything she put on mine, she just put on his. Well, she doubled put on his. Well, she doubled up. And it's like, I guess they thought I was his handler, and I'm like, put on whatever, I don't know. He said, I'm here for fun. And I said, yeah, moral support. Well, this is a problem with the language barrier. And I hate to sound like John Wayne with an impacted colon, but I've had Ubers where they're like, what the, what the, what

the, what do, and I'm like, we're going to Delta. And they're like, okay, and then we end up at LaGuardia. I'm like, we're going to Newark. Well, that's what's good about Lyft is you can put it in there with a little pin. That's true. But yeah, I have it all inside. This is why you want to order from the local business and whatever, but you call and you go, hey, let me get a pepperoni pizza, a set of pickles and a small Pepsi, and they're like, you want a penis? You want a piccata?

A piñata? I know, I know. You ever see that video of the black guy who takes two phones and he calls two different Chinese restaurants and puts them face to face? And they go, hello. And they go, hello. Hello.

Hello. What you want? What you want? And it's fucking comedy gold. I've never seen that. But I'll send it to you. Please do. You'll forget. But anyway, so they just made a full burrito and we were,

it was like a Mexican standoff. No pun intended. He's like, I didn't order anything. And they're like, yeah, you did, you did. You order. And he's like, I haven't said a word, but I guess because he said, I'm here for fun. Moral support, moral support that they thought he said, give me a hundred percent of what you give him. I have no idea. It was so bizarre. And then it's like one of these things where there's an extra burrito or like, what do we do? And then we're looking at the people next to us. Like they're like, ah, I don't know. Yeah. And they looked like you're worried that it's going to come out of their paycheck. Like they're like, they're going to take me in the back and shoot me. But we were just kind

of like, I don't know. I don't know. He doesn't eat meat either. He's like vegan. He's like, I don't know. I'm like, I didn't order that. And then they're trying to explain to this lady. She's like, you don't want it. It's no good. That's not what you wanted. And he's like, I don't want anything. Yes. And she's like, you don't want anything. And I'm like, I want my thing. Yes. So anyways, it was a whole big bag of tits. So, but you don't, you don't have to pay for anything you don't want. That's the beauty of it. No, but I felt bad because I think they're going to get deported or whatever. They're going to make them build the wall. They're going to pay for it.

These are the rules. But yeah, anyways, it was just hilarious that they just somehow they translated it to like just make him the exact same thing while he's standing here. It's funny because we went to Chipotle years ago on 72nd Street and she wants you because she goes you want guac and you went I'm all set and she went and you said what about I'm all set means I want guac. Well they don't listen they just have it because I get beans thrown on mine all the time I say no beans they just take a bean and put it on and half the time the one in our studio they're always just they don't listen And you know what I hate when they pick a spoon up because they're like, I'm going to, this guy's going to be slow. I'm going to get ahead of him. And I'm

like, I don't want sour cream, but they jump for the sour. Yes. I've had it too. They dump it on there. You're like, you got to start over. Yeah. I don't want that. But anyways, that was funny. Give me some more. You got a list a mile long. Oh wow. But you didn't have to buy it. No. Okay. Good. It was just one of those things where you're like, ah. It sucks too because you eat, because sometimes at Chipotle, every one on 114 times you go, they go, just take it, take the other one. Right. And I'm surprised they didn't,

but he's a vegan anyway, he's a gay. Yeah, Brian Vegan. Yes. I don't need meat. Did you ever do stick or treat anymore? Is that ever coming back? I think we're gonna bring it back. Bring it back, because I wanna do Brian Vegan. I like Brian Vegan. All right, so went to Richmond, driving there. I got a 3 p.m. flight. Don't you love a 3 p.m. flight? I don't. Oh, okay.

Middle of the day. It's a gamble. Well, you can sleep in, it's an hour flight. I'm gonna get there at four. Still got a couple hours before the gig.'ll shower I'll be ready to go it's perfect. Big mistake. Well it didn't matter anyway cuz I get the ring canceled cancel culture on my landline. So canceling like 6 a.m. which is nice cuz I didn't drive there yet. That's a good feeling Yeah, so you get the 10 I wake up at 10 a.m. Get the text

Cancelled and you don't you have that first. What's that first initial thought? I don't have to go. I'm not going yeah It's over. It's it's in a couple hours. It's in another state. I don't want to do it. I'm hey, I hate myself I hate comedy. I never liked it. I'm not going well. This is a I want to do it, I hate myself, I hate comedy, I never liked it, I'm not going. Well this is obviously, it's crazy I have to get into the details here, but this is one of the many problems with the 3pm. Because your 10am gets cancelled, you're already up at 8, you're like, well maybe I can find the noon, I can find the 2, I can find the 4. The 3pm also is going to get cancelled because who's flying to Richmond at 3pm?

Old Dickless. 11 people, because this is what the airlines do now. They just go, well there's only 12 people, we're going to lose money, cancel it. That's true. So you're fucked. So I go, it's about 10 a.m. So you kind of go, well, let me look around, let me look around. Find a Delta, but it's a connection.

So now we've got a Delta leaving at one. Going to Raleigh? Atlanta. Delta loves Atlanta. They really do. It's a hub. So is Raleigh. Oh really? Big time. Oh okay. So I go, alright, hubcap, get me down to Atlanta, but I land at 630 gigs at 7. So you lose a whole day flying, a whole day connecting. So I go, that's the

only flight working, so I just buy buy it and also my agent lives in LA So it's 10 a.m.. I'm like canceled. You gotta help me. I'm stupid. He's asleep Right it's what 7 a.m.. Over there. He's not waking up till 830 Yeah, oh boy, so a lot of anxiety inducing stories today. Yeah. Yeah, so I go alright. I'm taking it I today. Yeah, yeah. So I go, all right, I'm taking it. Now since I'm up at 10, I just got to pack my shit up and I just fucking jump in the shower and I just go to Newark. All right. Or LaGuardia, whatever it was. Fly to Atlanta, got an hour layover, hit the lounge, pig out as you do, chug eight cups of coffee, whatever. Get on the flight or get to the the port the gate delayed this is the

first flight this is Sam already Atlanta okay this is the second plan in Atlanta delayed then you go man I was already getting there at 630 the shows at 7 oh my god I better text the agent yeah we're delayed he goes what time to say you're getting in 730 oh my god shows at 7 But I got an opener. I got Fat Chris Al opening. So he can do a cool half. Yeah, you know. Cool. With crowd work. Sure, sure. Just kidding, Chris is great. He's one of the best. Yeah, he actually did really well. I miss Chris.

So I go, all right, so I land. They pick me up, it's kind of nice because the agent picks you up, or the tour manager is like, I'll pick you up, it's too crazy, I can't trust an Uber, we've got to get you there. They push the shuttle eight. Go there, I think there's something to this. I get there, Chris is on stage, he's killing, it's a hot crowd in Richmond, great theater, great town, and Chris goes, stage he's killing it's a hot crowd in Richmond great theater great town and Chris goes is he here yeah I wave he goes all right this next guy and I'm talking this was like I felt like Springsteen and AIDS con or

whatever it's called Wow whatever that is and live aid live aids yes the worst kind so I go bah! Do some jokes on the delay, and wah-woo, it's in the moment. I've never killed so hard in my life. Wow. I think there's something to the late there. I felt like Madonna. Well, they feel like they're part of something.

You know, comedy, it's all about getting people to connect and feel, go, oh, that's so true. And now they're all part of it, because they're aware you're late, you're not there. That's who you are. That's your thing. Right. The late guy, the fuck up, the idiot,

you know, the dipshit. Yes, yes., the fuck up, the idiot, the dip shit. So I think they're all excited about it. They're like, he's doing the thing, it's crazy. And he made it. And he made it because if they don't get there, it's like Axl Rose. People are like, oh, they finally came out, here they are. Yes, I did a barrel roll out there, and they're like, he did it, that's him. Because you ever had to cancel a gig from a flight? You're like, hey, a flight got canceled, it's a corner strike or crowd strike or whatever, I'm not going to be there.

You get some mean. I drove three hours, I got a babysitter, I killed my wife, I drowned my baby in the tub, you didn't show up. And I'm like, well, the flight was delayed, what do you want? Right, well, we just had this with the regs. We had two gigs, we sold 11 tickets and 10 tickets respectively at arenas that we tried to book. And the 12 people

were like, they burned a cross on my front lawn. And I said, hey, I would have done it. Yes, yes. I wouldn't have blamed these guys. Sure. What does that mean, respectively? I think we had this conversation. I think it's like, if there's two things respectively, this respect and that respecter. Genuspector. Like, you live, we live in Manhattan and Queens, respectively. This, respect, and that respecter. Mmm. Gene-specter. Like, you live, we live in Manhattan and Queens, respectively.

I don't know, what is that? That doesn't help me. It means like, you know, respect-ively. It's like, respective, like an adverb. But what is respective? Respective means, you know. I know, introspective. Respective means like, you're over there and I'm over here, what do you want from me? One goes east, the other goes west. Respectively.

Respectively. When you say it, like there's two ducks over there, one's facing that way and the other one's facing the other way, respectively. But what's the respect? Can't they just look two different ways? I don't get the upside of using that. It's in a lot of books. This guy's gay now and he loves his kids,

respectively. Well, I think it's got to be two things. This thing and that thing. It's comparing two things but not comparing, just saying the two things. I bought a lamp and she bought a thing, respectively. Respectively, yeah. It is. The definition is in the order given. In the order given. In the order that I the order given in the order. Okay. So the one Doug look left first and the second Doug look right. Absolutely. Say the first

duck first. Yeah respectively. Yeah in order. I see. So you moved to Manhattan. I mean well, I guess I moved to Queens then you moved to Manhattan respectively Way off Jerry yeah, okay. This is up there with with the first thing incredulous Yeah, so why so if I said hey my my father's gay my mother's mean Respectively yeah, he had to be gay first. I guess you're born gay. So that wins a couple years older Yeah, well, there you go respectively. Well, you're born gay, but you're not gay yet. You're not a homo Not like hello Yeah, you're not having sexual thoughts. Yeah.

I don't think. You are coming out of beef curtains, so you're kind of on the theater stage. But it is early on that you have, because I was attracted to women very early. Same, same. I remember being like three, four days old wanting to a tit in my mouth. Yeah, well, you got one. Absolutely.

You know, it's incest, but what are you going to do? Yeah, good point. Boy, incest is a real, because you come out of a, your parents fuck and made you then you come out of your mom's clam Then you suck on her tit for a while. There's a lot where incest is a very fine fine mom Yeah, it's just I was a hot load and your mother and then that's like your jeans were in the load Yeah Whoa, that's funny and you were in your dad's jeans like I By eyes twitch because of my dad's load. Yeah, that's weird. That's right the back of his hand probably more likely. That's true

All right wide load so you made the gig the gig was hot hot gig then I get this text from the agent This is a weird one but a call a guy a guy was at the show and he has a restaurant and he wants you to go to the restaurant it's all taken care of oh so I got a couple of I get some Yelp looking at him like let's see this restaurant I don't want to go to some fucking you know backwoods food truck I'll take anything backwoods no good we got Chris Allen with you that's true Virginia backwoods food truck. I'll take anything. Backwoods is no good if you got Chris Allen with you. That's true. Virginia backwoods, Chris Allen, forget about it.

He brought another black, so we had a couple, then we had a couple of Scragler whites. He brought a black. Yeah, a flack. So we had a guy shooting him. They shoot. So we all go to this restaurant after, and all taken care of.

We had the steak, the duck, we had cocktails, we watched the Olympics, the guy gave us merch, it couldn't have been nicer. Wow. Shout out, what's the name of the restaurant? Bar West in Richmond. Check out Bar West. Gotta go to Bar West, BW, BBW. Barry Weiss.

Yeah, Bar West, alright. If I remember in Richmond, I will go straight to Bar West and eat for free. Yes, he's a gay. Okay. You would love it. You would love it there. The food's spectacular. We had mozzarella balls dipped in ranch.

It was high end, low end, and east end. That sounds nice. Yeah, so we did that. Then, we drink our nights away. We go check into the hotel, we haven't checked in, wake up the next day, drive to Greensboro. I like Greensboro. I do too. That's nice.

It's a cute town. You know those old western movies, the John Wayne where they have like saloon, the doctor's office, hotel, it's just like a row of storefronts? Sure. That's what they have. It's just like a row of store fronts. Sure. That's what they have. It's still like that. They haven't upgraded.

I like that about Greensboro. I did the arena there with Louis. That was one of the first gigs we did. Wow, arena. Yeah, and it was during the big bathroom thing. Oh, the trans. I think it was trans, yeah, and then people were canceling their gigs. And Louis, shout out Louis, he was like, well, cause Springsteen canceled and maybe somebody else,

and Louis is like, well I'm gonna do the show and I'll just donate the money to LGBTQRSTUV. Sure, sure. And, but they did actually add letters, that looks like an old joke, but there are more letters now. Did you know that? G, A, B, C, Q, and on, yeah, I can't, there's a plus in there too, I believe.

Yes, I think there's an A. Is there an A? Asexual, anal? I think it's asexual. Yeah, I can't. There's a plus in there too. Yes. I think there's an a is there an a a sexual anal. I think it's a sexual. Okay. I think a is it. Can we get a reading on the latest letter? I do think it's LGBTQ a plus. I don't know about a sexual. Well, I was a sexual in high school, but is it my choice? I don't know. I was into plus size women for a long time. It wasn't a choice. It was cause that's who would fuck me. Yeah. Well that's an a plus right here between us. To three some, you get two women, two spirits. That's what they went too far with the two. Now we're into the fucking crystals and the, the, the mythology and the the what is that called two-spirit

what you got an imaginary friend QI I've heard of I Oh intersects that sounds like a spaceship oh I took the intersex to my gig I got off at exit 41 hello folks I got caught in intersex with Ron on and almost got hit I wanted to talk about this, but I wanted to go back to that because yeah, Rana the dry He's like Sam can't drive now Rana can't drive. I had the same thing you had with Colin Quinn I told the story a long time ago these city guys. I called city Hicks. They can't drive. He Quinn can't oh He stinks so it ain't a Jew thing we've we. No, I think that doesn't help. But I mean, he, we got in the car with him, me, him and DePaul is 20 years ago now. And he started driving.

He was like a two foot driver doing this thing. And it was weird because Colin Quinn's a legend. He's my hero. I'm in the back. I'm like, and I had to go, I'm sorry, I gotta take over this car. And he was like, what? I'm like, you gotta let me drive. This is crazy. It's crazy. And it was the same thing. Colin had Colin Quinn from SNL had to like get out and walk and I had to get in the car and be like, this is, this is nuts. You just, some drunk from Whitman. I know you're driving. Well then he had to drive home because of course I had seven cocktails at the gig, but then after the, after you have a couple of quayleudes and a cocktail, you're like, you can do stop

and go, I don't give a shit, I'll be snoozing in the back. Yeah, I don't even know where we are. I'm with you. But yeah, this is why I can't drive, I can't handle it. I'm with you too, and you can use the safety thing. You go, ah, we're going to die if you drive, I don't feel safe. Even though I don't care about dying, I'm like, I just can't have, I can't watch this happen. I was always like that with drinking and driving. would always let someone else I was more afraid of getting arrested than die ah yes like I would be like I'm too drunk to drive you

drive the person's like I'm in a blackout I'm like I know I don't we won't die yeah I just don't want to go to jail you can go to jail you go to jail all right yeah there you go sorry Tom Dustin but oh shit. I thought I was joking. Did he go to jail? I got arrested but he's out now. He's your license again Yeah, he's back and movies coming soon. By the way, we got to do a big festival. We're gonna do a New York premiere We're gonna do a skank fest. Whoa viewing. It's gonna be the skank fest Well, this thing it's getting colorized and sound mixed and it is just get excited. We got a poster of the whole thing. Wow, poster, I love that.

It's gonna be something else and it's a hell of a picture. I think you might tear up. Can I get a, what do you call that, a screener? No screener. Come see it at Skankfest. Or you come to the premiere, you're in it. Well, wait, wait, wait, at Tribeca? What are we talking?

Tribeca, no, we're gonna festival. I can't say It's big. All right. All right Festival. Oh, I can't wait. This is the biggest festival RNC, what are we talking? It's gonna be seventh. It's gonna be something else, but I can't it doesn't announce till later this year This is exciting a second second movie, Jerry. I know. Two features and it's very exciting. All right.

That's a good name for a podcast. Two features. You have two feature acts. You get Ronan and Sagalow. Or feature presentation. Just kidding. By the way, Sagalow new special, Thin Lips. Have you seen it?

I saw some clips. They're really funny. Very funny. Got 40,000 views in a day. I look through the comments because you always want to see your friends get shit on. Wow. Every comment. This is hilarious. This guy's the best. So funny. Underrated. Ah. Yeah. So go check out the Brendan Sagalow podcast.

Good for him. 40 grand. That's what he makes a year. That's pretty good. Alright. Well, there you go. So we get to Greensboro. Great time. Hold on, I got to remember my notes here. I wrote it all down. Oh, you're not going to believe this. So we do the gig, show's great, great room, great town. We leave the theater. I do a meet and greet to talk to some folks. One guy goes goes you're not gonna believe this I am the promoter for Oscar Meyer hmm M E Y er yes that's my first name and I go oh cool and he goes I got the the mobile the Oscar wire but why are hot dogs a wild mobile Oscar why The Oscar Wilde mobile? The big hot dog with the bun?

The big snossage with the bun, Oscar Meyer right there in the middle. This is the kind of thing, you get into show business, sure people fly private or they get on a hot air balloon, this is what you want. You want to be in the hot dog truck. So I've had a couple cocktails, I go, hey, I've had a wiener in me, I've never been in a wiener, let's do it. This guy, like a DeLorean. What?

Big side door opens up like that, he's got a hot dame in there, his name is Corey, and we tooled that thing around town, and it's got the horn like, bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep, you know, that whole thing. We tooled that thing around town and it's got the horn like You know that whole thing People drive oh shit Oscar Mayer and then I put my face like that's Mark Norman. We were at his show So I'm there's some photos of me out there. Just you gotta be kidding me. I'm inside a dick Oh my god, forget Jerry forget

What else did you do something? something cool Forget Netflix forget Forget Jerry, forget, what else did you do? Something cool. Forget Netflix, forget... Protect our parks. Forget that shit. Oscar Mayer truck Jerry. This is something. That's wild, did you text Jerry?

By the way, he loves cars, he loves the 50s. Oh yeah. Text Jerry, say hey look at this. I didn't think about that. I don't know if that's his kind of hot rod. I'm giving you all these Jerry-ins. I sent you the photo with a Saab. You did nothing with that.

He's seen a Saab. No, this was a 1998 Saab. This was a 1952 refurbished station wagon Saab. I'm giving you gold over here. I text him the pregnancy stick. Pregnancy? Who cares about that? He went apeshit. He went, ohhhhh, delete my number. You sent that but no Saab? Why no Saab? I walk my eight classic cars a day in the village.

But this is a Saab. He drove a Saab on the show. That's job-saabing from all this talk. But got out of the... Now, me and the Oscar Mayer, he goes, where do you want me to drop you? Because once you drive around the block, you get it. Sure. That's any car. You're the car.

You shift, the needle's different, the seatbelt's up here. Okay. There you go. That's what I told Jerry. So I get out, and the door opens right outside the bar. I jump out of that thing and I go, thanks for nothing, chute chute. And I go right in the bar and then it's a bowling alley.

We bowled the night away, we had the time of our lives and that was it. Bowling is fun. Bowling is underrated, the drinks were flowing. We tried putting spin on it, we're watching videos, look that's how you do it. Chris is sober, he's chugging NAs. Ends with attitude and he's putting back those Heineken zeros and we had a great night.

I love bowling but I gotta say this, I can bowl one string. You know those people that are like, hey let's get another round going. I'm like this, no. Really? Can you bowl two full rounds of bowling? Booze helps. By the second round, I'm throwing it under my legs. I always do like, let's see who can throw it the furthest.

You try to drop it, you try to run down the thing. I got about 40 minutes of bowling in me. Oh, okay. Well, I stink too. I hate things that I stink at. Oh, that might be what it is. I was getting better as I went on. The drunk grip, the twist, the spin, I don't know what it was. And I just wanted to keep playing.

Plus the booze was flowing. We were playing with these two Navy guys and they were good. So we had to beat them. It's weird when these people are just like, that's their thing. Bowling. I think we've said this on the show before, black people love bowling. I had no idea. It blew my mind. Every lane was black people. Yeah. Yeah. Mookie Betts and some other people. It was blew my mind. Every lane was black people. Yeah. Yeah, Mookie bats and Some other people yeah, they like lanes

Hmm. He laid well, we got a fucking wrap this thing up. I got a child sleeping upstairs Let me just check on look at this. You got the video right here Whoa, he does. Yeah. Oh my god looks he was shot. That's crazy Look, you gotta do a chalk outline around that fatty. By the way, we can talk to him if you want. You can use a microphone. You can go on there and go, hello. Hey, first podcast.

Pretty wild. All right, let's wrap it up. Where are we gonna be? What's going on? Hey, Chris Allen's texting. Whoa, Kismet, baby. How about that? Tell him he sucked at bowling.

Yeah, all right. Anyways, so. What do you got? You got the movie coming out? I don't know what day this comes out. I have no idea. I don't know what day it is. November 9th, Town Hall, the big one. Whee! Which I talked to Soder, my ticket sales are just fine. I do think they're fine. We're looking good. Yeah, we're doing good. So November 9th, get your tickets.

You can get cruising, you got three months. Yeah, I'm going to Oklahoma City for the first time ever. I don't know when that is. Go to PunchUpLive.com slash Joe hyphen list. Get excited for the movie, we're gonna do a New York premiere. I think I'm gonna put it on Punch Up and charge like four bucks, I gotta try to make some of the money back. I spent about $30,000 on this fucking thing.

On the movie? Yeah. Yeah, wow, that's a lot of money. I know, it's not good, it keeps piling up. Making movies is not cheap It turns out and with the stock market crash. You're really in the hole. Yeah, I got a call mr. B. Yeah I'm gonna ignore it. I think it'll be fine. Mr. Bad news. I got the first week in October. I'm at Philly helium I'm at Portland helium in September. I'm at Oklahoma City in September It's gangfest. Obviously,

we're going to do a bunch of fun stuff. We're doing a live Tuesdays, I believe. I assume. Great. We'll get a pot in. I think we are. I think we're doing a live regs. We're doing the movie will premiere there. And then what else do I have? A bunch of crazy shit. It's all on Punch Up Live. Go check it out and jump on our Patreon. We're doing crazy, fun, wacky shit on the Patreon. It's a great time to be alive great to be on their best patreon in the sky yes where are you I'm all over the road going to Portland Oregon baby then I'm going to Toronto we just added a show out there so please let's try to fill that up London Ontario with the kind of got excited I saw London I

heard good things about London all right never All right, never been. Monterey, California. Oh, that's beautiful. Really? I've never been, but I hear it's spectacular. That's supposed to be one of those places, you know? Okay, Monterey gun, Oakland. Hey. Okay, little dicey there, I hear.

Where the, Edmonton, oh boy. Edmonton, I always wanna go to Edmonton. Connor McDavid. Okay, I think Neil Young's from Edmonton. He's from Canada for sure. Maybe Winnipeg. Cleveland, I'm going back to the clubs a little bit. Hilarities, trying to work out this hour.

Oh, I love Hilarities. Love Hilarities. Then we got the Wichita, Kansas, Fayetteville, Arkansas. Chicago, Illinois, the Chicago Theater. We're going to see if we can sell that out. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! That's one of the big ones. That feels good. Your name in line is at the Chicago Theater.

You gotta bring Salacuse just to get the best possible photo. Maybe I will. My God, that is a special, special place. That's a big deal. Asheville and Charleston, so yeah, come on out. We got a lot of dates. MarkNormanComedy.com, punchup slash MarkNorman. When is the Chicago Theater?

November. Oh, baby. Yeah, November 9th. Oh, how about that? Look at that, folks. How about that? So if you're on the East Coast, go see him. If you're in the Midwest, come see me.

And if you live anywhere else, kill yourself. That's exciting. Don't let the Chicago Theater get lost in your tits. That's a big, big show. Well, we'll see what happens. I might OD. Nah, I think it'll be all right. All right, that was it.

Lex, check out Grove 34, my favorite club. I talk about it all the time. Lex is a part owner. I don't know if you can say that. This guy's got some shady business going on. Great club, respectively. G34 Productions. Grove, is it G34?

And yeah, I can do that. Thanks for filling in. Last second. Thank you. And Mark fucked us again, as usual. Yeah, we'll be good, growth is a G 34 and yeah do that thanks for filling in last second thank you and mark fucked us again as usual yeah we'll be good cuz loud next week is off yeah I can't wait yeah so you'll be feet up and put the wire on all right I'll try it again I think it's stupid Omar I get it it's great it's genius yeah yeah he's a gay black guy seen that before at the steam room all right we're gonna wrap it up good night He's a gay black guy, seen that before at the steam room. Alright, we're gonna wrap it up.

Goodnight folks. See you later. Waaah!