Tuesdays with Stories! - #570 Englebert Humperdunk

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

Mark is at the Comedy Store in LA and the car rental is putting a dent in his plans! Joe gets obsessed with drama from other comedy pods! Mark heads to Martha's Vineyard for a drug-fueled boozefest! Then he gets a request from a HERO! Old Normandy turns the tables and starts making demands!!! I’m de Captain now! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - New DraftKings customers get $250 in bonus bets and 1 month of NFL+ Premium when you bet just $5. Download the DraftKings app and use code TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays and get on your way to being your best self. - Support the show and get 15% off your Raycon order, plus free shipping. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't tell you what I'm gonna say. Hey folks! Hey badda badda! Here we are! We're back! We're here! We're in the studio! Too hot in the hot tub! Hot too hot! My hot tub hot too hot

My apartment. I'm moving out by the way. We look like our lease. It's over, baby Wow, I talked my landlord yet, but he's still in a great. What are you doing over there? You might have a problem Well, this is dry. I've just sweated the shit out of them. They're staying. That's not dry. I'm telling you It's dry than my wife over there. No, I can see your pubes are wet. Oh really? It's wet as I've ever seen. No, it's damp. It's damp. It's dank. It's moist. It's dank and damp. Alright, dank and damp in the morning. That's a good radio show. Dank and damp. 41 FL. This show stinks. What do you mean?

Dank and damp. Oh I thought you meant this one. I was like, I think we're hot and heavy here. No, no. We're coming in. No, no. Dank and Damp. They stink because it smells. Is the audio working there, Chuck? You don't have earpods in. Where's your earpods?

He's got nothing. That's it. We're hiring Toby. I did the mic test. I did it. I already set it up. Toby or not Toby? We got to get the scoop.

What is the scoop? You got that right. Have you looked at Reddit? I mean, there are 750,000 articles on RUV. Wow. or not Toby we gotta get the scoop. What is the scoop? You got that right. Have you looked at Reddit? I mean there are 750,000 articles on Are You Garbage. It's crazy. And you got this in my head by the way. Chuck's like you know what happened? I didn't even know about this. I'm living my life. I'm on the beach. I got my Toby's in the sand. Yes. He messaged me. He's like what's going on with Toby over at Are You Garbage? I'm like I don't even know what you're talking about. He's

like check out Reddit. I go and it's like, I haven't seen my kid in three days. I'm reading conspiracy theories and all kinds of things. I'm doing the show tomorrow. I'm gonna get the scoops. It's the new QAnon. Everybody's all over it. It's crazy, but it's amazing what the internet can do, but go figure out the JFK.

They're all over Toby. Go figure out the Thomas Matthew Anal, whatever his name is. I'm gonna go to Patreon and reveal everything that happened. I'm going to talk to the two boys. You should sell it. Then I'm going to cross-examine Toby and I'm going to spill the beans on our Patreon. We're going to be at $180,000 a day.

He's like the new Stormy Daniels. 60 minutes going to hit him up. We need a personal interview. We need to cut right to the bone here. Wild. But anyways, yeah, so my life's consumed. Chuck has no ear pods in. minutes gonna hit him up, we need a personal interview, we need a cut right to the bone here. Wild! But anyways, yeah, so my life's consumed, Chuck has no earpods in, this probably sounds like a bag of turds.

Tin can over here! I gotta check it and then that's it, I check back in, I look at the levels. Oh, Rupert said the same thing. If Rupert could have a thick enough rope, he'd be hanging off of it, but it weighs about 850. You're gonna be one of those giant chains on the Titanic. You know those big ones with the links? All right, all right.

We gotta stop saying this, it's no good. He likes links. Now Rupert's the best, we love Rupert, he feels bad. We'd kill to have Rupert as our all-time guy. Of course, big Rup. Chuck's big dumb face over there. Chuck's over there yucking it up. Rupert just looks sad the whole time. It's nice.

He giggles and jiggles. A couple giggles, definitely jiggles. I've seen some. A couple of those. He's like a fat beavis. Yeah, and anyways, we love you Rupert. No sweat off my sack. Yes, he's the sweaty one.

We love you, big fan. Come back anytime, replace the sea man. I haven't listened to the episode. Is it that bad? How bad is it? I think it sounds like camera audio and we had an audio technician clean it up as much as possible. And most people are saying this is better than some podcasts all the time. Hey! That was another great moment, by the way. We're at the live podcast. Chuck comes downstairs.

He's like, we got 48 sound engineers working on it. got you know Rick Rubin's on it we got Vic whatever that guy's name is David Geffen here it is he plays me one clip and I'm like that sounds like a horse's ass fighting out come. I know we brought it to Sun Studios we got BB King on it yeah I don't know it's uh it I listened to a little bit it wasn't that bad. No okay. You also listening to my phone because then I said, here's a regular episode. He kept flaming the phone. He's like, no, it's the phone. Well, I showed you a regular episode.

You go, oh yeah, that sounds like shit too. Well, whatever. It's fine. They're fine. That was two weeks ago now. Happy 9-11, by the way. Hey, Mazel Tov. Walalalalalalala.

God bless America. No 9-11 and no tower records, ironically. Both towers are all three gone. all three gone for good. Yeah But speaking of the World Trade Center Freedom Tower 9-eleven I full lock stock and barrel. I'm heading downtown Not to battery Park City. That's a ripoff. I'm out on Battery Park City. What? I thought that was the big moneymaker. No way.

I'm going to Tri-Bec-A. Whoa! Tri-Bec-A, baby. Triangle Below Canal. That's right. That's lunch. How about that? How about that? We're going, baby.

Wow. Let's move studios. Let's go down to the financial district. Whoa. Wait, give me the juice. Why Tri-B? Why? What happened to battery P? Cheaper. That makes sense. It's a little bit cheaper. Battery Park City is fucking outrageous. It's crazy. Well, everybody I talked to about Battery Park City said, I

love it. You deserve it. You're the man. You got to go. Then I talked to Luke Moniz, who's a, you know, he's of a certain persuasion. He spit his coffee in my face. He was like, pfft. He goes, that rent, are you crazy? Really? Because he goes, what is it, $5,000 a month? And I go, well, it's a little higher. It's $14,000 a day. Yeah, that is high.

And so, Tribeca, I look over there, and closer to all the trains, still only 10 minutes from the park and the river. Okay. Closer to CQ, closer to my niece, closer to the trains, strip club across the street. What? In Tribeca?

Not across the street, but down the street. What's it called? Well, I don't give a... I don't know. Titty, titty, titty babies. Titty McGee's, who knows? Yeah, it's got my ex-girlfriend's name right in there, Tribeca. Hey!

Which I did. You did try it. I miss it. Yeah. But yeah, so we're going down there, and why was I saying this originally? Well, this is a big move You're going to try be did you look around did you street easy? Oh? All over street easy. Well, we haven't confirmed the apartment. It's just that area. We'll be down there

I always assumed Tribeca was big wigs. I saw Hugh Jackman there once he was handsome. Well, you look at notable people It's Beyonce. It's you know Nicole Kidman, Colin Farrell. Woo! Colin Powell, I think Schultz is down there you can hop with him and trade mustaches. But also here's the thing too I found out the further south you go in Tribeca, yeah it didn't used to be Tribeca it's the financial district but they scooched the lines down to crank up the price. Yes, yes, it's geographical fluid. Yeah, it's kind of like, oh yeah, this is Greenwich Village, and you're like, no kidding,

and you go and it's Greenwich, Connecticut. Exactly, yeah, they did that with, hey, it's East Williamsburg. Now, this is Bushwick, motherfucker. Exactly. I'm watching a cockfight in a Puerto Rican. But there was some reason I was gonna start to say this at the very beginning. Tribeca.

I'm going there for some reason. You were somewhere, did you say something? What do you say when you say things? I said 9-11. Then we said the Eiffel Tower. Then we said Tower Records. And then you said, speaking of downtown, I'm gonna. I think we started even before all that.

It said Rupert's fat, Jack's gay. Rupert took down building number seven, I think. He leaned on it. But anyways, this apartment I found, rooftop, basketball court, tinny bar, everything. I can't afford it, but I'm excited. Well, I'm not getting my hopes up because I had a whole collage I made with glitter and tape

with the battery park and your face and me and a big heart. Well, your hopes can't be up, because you're moving to Brooklyn. Well, at least I'm moving and it's solidified. This is, I say bye, Becca. You're not getting in there. Quote unquote, at least I'm moving and solidified. You said you were moving three years ago.

No kidding, it's been two and a half years. Two and a half years of the same spot that I made up. It's not a new spot every six days. I gotta talk to my landlord, he's in Greece. Don't worry about it. And I'm still getting the house in Jersey, the house in, the other house in Jersey, Washington. Sag Harbor.

Sag Harbor, Sagalow Harbor. Boy, that Sagalow is a funny guy. Oh, he's a Sager. Have you done his podcast? I don't believe, I didn't know he had one. Are you wearing a mic on your shirt? Yeah, it's my own podcast. I should have brought it up earlier. What is that? It's not on, don't worry. What are you doing? I do my own pod. Well, what is this, the CIA? You're recording? I'm wearing a wire. I got to do it after this.

I got a tight sketch. Oh, geez. Yeah, it's a nightmare. But I did Sagalow's old one, the one with Feeny and the other guy. Oh, here's the scenario. Yeah, it's cannon fodder or whatever it was called. Well, I think they really thought that was gonna be the new R U Garbage, but they didn't have Toby, so it went straight to the shitter. Well, they can get him now.

Ha ha. With that Sagalow, I hung out with him. I was on the floor. This guy, and Moniz, Luke Moni Moni Moniz is always saying Sagalow's a one, he said quote, once in a generation talent. Is that unbelievable? That's a little unbelievable. I mean, first of all, those two together, it's a vice and anal. I mean, those two, you got the twin tower meets, uh, you know, rat that too. It's like the number one in the decimal point. Yes. By the way, the full quote, which is so funny

to me, Luke bonus, very brilliant, very handsome, very funny. He goes, uh, sagalows like a once in a generation talent, like a Shane Gillis. I'm like, they're the same age. I'm like, that's twice in a generation. It's like the goat. We can't all be the goat here. No, it can't be multiple goats. And I think Sagalow's as funny as the day is long. He's a hilarious standup. Check out his special thin lips. Oh, that's right.

On YouTube now. He does hip hop and he's funny. But Shane Gillis, I mean, what are we talking about here? Sagalow's no Shane. No, I agree. Well, can Sagalow do Trump? He does a pretty good Trump, I have to say. You know what, maybe he is a Shane Gillis.

He does a great Trump. Okay, okay, well we'll check it out. I'll watch his act. Yeah, they're both damn good, but Sagalow had a bit. I was on the floor, he's like, the Beatles wrote a birthday song. One of the other Beatles were like, there already is a birthday song.

Pfft. You gotta do that, and he goes, on stage? I'm like, yeah, what do you think I mean? Now in a closet, you fucking asshole. Yeah, well, you know, once in a generation we get stuff like that. That's pretty good. I'll check it out. It's already, there already is a birthday song?

That's true. That's gold. Yeah, they keep remaking it. What do you mean? The birthday. Michael Jackson had one. He did? Happy birthday, Lisa. Lisaaking it. What do you mean? Their birthday. Michael Jackson had one. He did? Happy birthday, Lisa.

Lisa, it's your birthday. What are you listening to? Michael Jackson deep cuts? Oh yeah, I love MJ. I love him too, but I'm not listening to the B-side happy birthday Lisa. I'm trying to get on that Ferris wheel, folks. All right, but yeah, he's a funny guy.

Funny guy. Check out his special. Thin lips, I haven't seen the special, I'm, he's a funny guy. Check out his special. It's thin lips. I haven't seen the special, I'm sure it's great. Yeah. I can't watch a special. No, once in a generation I'll watch one. It's brutal, I watch Shane's.

There you go. That was damn funny. That's a funny guy, that guy's a talent. He sure is. Yep, he just, well, he's on a new commercial now. He's just, every time you're like, well, where's he been? And then boom, he's Trump on Kill Tony, 17 million views. Where's he been? Boom, he's on a new commercial now. He's just, every time you're like, well, where's he been? And then boom, he's Trump on Kill Tony, 17 million views. Where's he been?

Boom, he's on a commercial. You're like, this guy, he's in an M&M video. Oh, he's in a Pacino movie. Pacino? I always say the Forrest Gump of comedy. Yeah, he's just everywhere. You're like, what, is he shaking hands with the president? That's wild.

And he was at the UFC fight. The Bud Light commercial, very funny. Oh, was it? Yeah, I watched it. I didn't watch. No, it's damn good damn good. All right well there you go. I wonder if you wrote it. I don't know about that. Yeah they can't have him writing things. They got a standards and practices to worry about. Absolutely. Well so where have you been? Where you going? Where you from? I mean I haven't seen you since 88. I got signed two nights ago, briefly. That's true.

That was fun. Yeah, well you invited me over, you weren't even there. Well, I was, I didn't invite you over. I said, I thought you were here because I'm over here and I thought we were going to record the thing. Ah. And then I had to go on stage. I told you, I said I have a five o'clock show.

Yeah, all right. And you live next door. That's true. I was doing a lap, came by, hung out with the baby, loved the baby. I got some good smiles out of that kid. All right. And he's a good waver. Loves to wave. He is a wavy gravy. Yes, yes. Green wave. Too lame. Yes. And we hung out with Mona's, being Mona's, got into a nice chit chat about Jew stuff, really had it out and I told him free Palestine he

didn't care for it and then before that right back from Martha's Vineyard so we got a lot to talk about. I was in LA. You were in LA? Yeah it was brutal of course you know the lady has to schedule the Martha's Vineyard weekend after the LA weekend so you gotta go yeah come on come on. We can't, you can't wait till I'm in Toronto or Rhode Island or Boston. Yep. Furthest point from the, the Vin be nice. So what's going on in LA? Take me through LA. Give me all of it. I want to hear where you've been. I love LA. I love getting out there. It's the best place to visit.

Look at that mountain. Look at those trees. Look at that bum over there. it's the best place to visit. It's a comedian. Look at that mountain. Look at those trees. Look at that bum over there. He's down on his knees. Great city. Is that Randy Newman? Oh yeah. Yeah, big doom.

Newman. So go out to LA, land there. It's such a grueling flight. You finally land, and then I go, oh, I got to get a rental car. You got to have a car in LA. Nothing worse than a grueling flight. You finally land and then I go. Oh, I gotta get a rental car You gotta have a car in LA. Nothing worse than the rental car in LA. It's a shuttle It's five red lights six stop signs two yellow lights. It's a fucking train wreck. It's always packed Always never been on an LAX shuttle. That wasn't like Ellis Island and 29. Yes. Yes. I'm on Amistad. It's rickety People are crying. It's horrible. Yes, I'm on Amistad. It's rickety, people are crying.

It's brutal. So you get out, you hit the lounge, you're a little wonky, you chug some coffee, and then you go, all right, I'm going to Avis. Where's the Avis bus? Oh, Hertz, oh, National, oh, Dollar. Okay, there's Avis. That takes 20 minutes. You finally get on. They're doing the thing where it's so packed that you have to like Sardine in, you know, and then the door can't close because your fat ass is in front of it So then you have to do that now you're up against the glass like a fish Yes, and it's always like a hundred and twelve pound woman pulling off a hundred and fifteen pound suitcase in the top shelf and she's just Bashing you in the head with the wheel and swinging the backpack around. There's always a pregnant woman on there. I think it's like a token

pregnant lady. Yes, yes, token. So JRR token. So I go, all right, we finally get to Avis. And then I try to, I'm a zippy zappy. So I got my carry on it. I just, everybody's got kids, everybody's got strollers, everybody's got pregnant, everybody's got fat. I run right carry on it. I just everybody's got kids. Everybody's got strollers. Everybody's got pregnant. Everybody's got fat I run right to the door. Yeah. Yeah goto so I run straight out of there. I go see you suckers Run straight to the Avis Help desk, whatever you want to call it and I go I'm front line front and center. I go. Here's my ID. Here's my credit card

Front line, front and center, I go, here's my ID, here's my credit card, give me that compact bitch. And they go, what are you, a service member, a rewards member? I go, nah, not for me. And they go, do you have a membership number? I go, no thank you. And they go, this is the membership line. And I go, ah, where's the regular? And they go, ah, where's the regular? And they go down the block.

So I look down the block. It's a half hour away. And everyone on the bus that I flipped off is now ahead of. Oh, my God. This is where you got to Greece. Yeah. You got to pull out a 50, a Finsky, a hundo, a library card, a Chipotle card, a Palmitour. Show your dick and say, hey, I got a YouTube special. Hear, hear.

Let me in. Yeah. Good movie, bad economy. So I get to the other one finally and the line is up the yin-yang and it ain't moving, Fetty. It is just beep, bop, bop, nothing. We got the velvet rope, the whole thing, the zigzag, the maze. And I go, I take a photo, I send it to my manager, he goes, how you looking?

Because he's like, come down to the management office, say hi to everybody. I changed managers. Oh, nice. They want you to come by and say hi. I don't know what that is. No, I don't like it. I don't like it either because you want to just get to that hotel and go to Mel's and jerk off and see the sunshine.

Did you go to Ziggy? No, Andaz. Andaz? It's an upgrade. I'll give you the contact. No kidding. I got a guy. I don't know if I can afford it. I live in Tribeca now. Yeah, that's true. Well, we'll see. So I go, I text my manager. I go this is crazy. I've been in line for I don't know 40 minutes. It hasn't moved. I'm way far away from the front desk. I've already spent 20 minutes on the bus, 10 minutes in the lounge, you know, and it's just adding up. I'm losing my whole day. I hate this. So he goes, uh, fuck it, get an

Uber. And I go, all right, then you get an Uber. That takes forever. Cause he's like, where are you? I'm like, I'm outside of Avis. He's like, what part? You got to go to the Uber pickup area. And I look at the thing and I'm way far away, whatever, finally get picked up, get to the on dodge, you go ah and he goes, yeah he goes, hey why don't you get over here now? And I'm like, ah, so you got to put your shit down, you got right that hotel, then you got to go to Brillstein office. He works for you. That's true, good point. I feel like in LA I'm going to them, they never come to me. Right. But what can you do? That's the big, point. I feel like in LA I'm going to them. They never come to me. Right. But what can you do? That's the big, that's the curb app.

What's hard is all lunch and then you have lunch and it's like, so how's the wife? And I'm like, just give me the career. Give me the goods. Get me the Tonight Show. Get me the Netflix. Get me the porn. Get me something. Who cares about my wife? I know, I don't. It's like, how's your aunt? How's your sister? What's going on with your niece? Is she still in school? Right. No, I gotta tell me about Seinfeld 2, the sequel. Yes. And then they go, then they do this shit, I love this. They go, so what's next? You tell me. You book everything. Right.

You make the movies. You get me in something. And then by the way, they're like, what's next? I'm like well. I'm making a documentary that's coming out of my pocket about a guy. No one's ever met and like that's dog shit We're not gonna help you there. All right. Well that sucks. Thanks for bringing it up dickless October 10th, New York premiere Oh, yeah, you're around I don't think I gotta go to Canter's wedding So we do that whole thing go back to the on Andaz. Now here's where the fun starts. Thank God! Sorry.

20 minutes in here. Sorry, I got a spot, two spots at the Ice House. Hey, Pasadena! Two spots at the store. Those are really far apart. Yeah, about 40 minutes. Alright. You know how I roll. Can't see this going wrong. Have you been to this ice house? Never been. Wow, mama. This place is top shelf, next level lunch.

I got to get to the ice house because I love Pasadena. That's spectacular. The city of roses or the flower of cunts. I don't know what it is. Yes. Yes. The Rose Bowl, something. I think that is there. The Rose Bowl is in Pasadena for sure. There you go. Don't't know what it is. Yes, yes. The Rose Bowl, something. I think that is there. The Rose Bowl is in Pasadena for sure. There you go. Don't pass on Pasadena. This

place is really something. Dina Hashem. Pasadena Hashem. That's the next words out of my mouth. Funny comic. Funny gal and boy, this is a hotbed of comedy. I mean it is two rooms, the Lakers own it. Bus. No kidding. Jerry Bus. Jerry, Jeannie, Jay Moore, one of them. Jeannie Bus. Yes, yes.

Greyhound. So you go in there and it's like the Lakers. Like there's patios with tables to get drunk and then you got the showroom and the showroom has a big back wall with the one side of glass. Like a box. Huh. Like a box,sided glass, like a box.

Like a box, Jerry. Like a luxury box. Yes, yes. I'm picturing the cop movies. Well, this is like glass. A two-sided mirror. I was doing that. I was going, where were you on the night of the 15th or whatever?

They can't see you. It's fun. Wow. So it's, there's food in there, there's drinks in there, everything's free. They're printing money. I got to go to the ice, because you don't hear about the Ice House that much. Yes, yes. You hear about Comedy and Magic Club more than you hear about the Ice House.

That's true. Both great, but this Pasadena, I mean that Magic Club, that's another city. Right. I guess Pasadena is a different city too. Yeah, but we got there in 30 minutes and did two shows, both shows are great. Your show or is it the showcase? I just jumped on a a showcase but we had a ton of gays there Wow I'll pipe squeak for the bomb game my father's game the whole thing and who are some of the comics never heard of a one of them but it's called Dana moon was

there she's fun moon yeah yeah Hispanic guy with a cowboy hat who was a tough follow it's like a tough follow. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. He shot pistolas in the air. He jumped over a wall. It was a whole thing, but he killed. It's very Hispanic out there. Right.

So he was really the bread and butter. Oscar Pistola. Yeah. And I liked it. Blade Runner? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He killed his wife, but is out of jail now?

He's out, baby. How do you, you kill your wife, you get out of jail? Cause I'm contemplating this. If I can get out of jail. That's true. Well, I think if you're handicapped, you can get away with murder. Literally.

I mean, he's got no legs. What do you think of that? You think that was fair? Cause he won every race. Yeah, you got the blade leg. They're bouncy. Yeah, they're very thin. This feels like one of those things where you talk about,

you contemplate it, and then you just look it up, and they're like, yeah, they did a Mythbusters. It's not an advantage. Or it is an advantage. You know what I mean? It's like one of those things you debate, and then there's just an answer. Well, if we're going by weight,

like race cars go by weight. If your car is lighter, you're going to win. This guy's lighter. He's got no calf. He's got no foot. He's got no ankle. Right. But with sprinting, Michael Johnson weighs more than me. He's all ripped up, but he can beat me in a race. That's true. The muscle does you get those calf muscles that propel you. Yeah. Yeah. Look it up a Chuck. If you don't mind, take a break from the novel you're writing over there. We ever know what

Chuck's doing. He's like defusing a bomb the whole time he's like like a Delta employee I have no idea what he's doing over there but he's probably looking up Toby drama but Oscar Isaac bouncy leg advantage or no advantage Blade Runner well if it's longer than two sentences I don't give a fuck that's true Norm MacDonald did a whole bit on it. He thinks he's got an advantage. And I tend to believe Norm on everything. But there's gotta be a scientific...

Gotta be. Neil DeCrasse, Dick Liss says gotta have talked about it. I mean, there's a lot of debate. Alright. Alright. We don't need another Palestine Israel going. But either way, he killed his wife and now he's out. So have fun

with that on tinder ladies what did you just bounce over the fence boy I don't know did he get a did he get a one up to did he get a star yeah wait is he quite Jarvis in a while I have not not, I'm worried about him. Jarvis, reach out if you're okay. I used to see that guy every day. I know, he's in the IDF, who the hell knows? I don't know where he's at, but yeah, I saw him every day for 20 years and now, zilch. He's dead. Yeah.

Alright Jarvis, I hope you're alive. Oh, Chuck's got something, we gotta get back to the story. Basically it says that he's able to run at the same speed as able-bodied sprinters with about 25% less energy put out into it. That's a big advantage. Storing energy. He's like a Tesla. Oscar for storing energy.

That's interesting. Yeah, okay. Anyway, sorry. So you go to Pasadena, there's a cowboy who's Mexican, you leave there, you head to the store. Head to Chris Milhouse, that little wizard, he put together a big store show and boy, that store, I mean you can't beat that hot store. The Pasadena was like too hot where you're like, all right guys, this is nice, but that's

a setup. Take it easy. The store is just like, you feel like Pryor. You do a line, you hug Sam Kinison, you fuck a Roseanne in the coat room, and you go out there and rip it. Wow, which room are you in? OG, OR?

I did the OR first, and don't you love this moment? You walk up to the, and you know, we got low self-esteem, or at least I do, you walk up to the store and there's a guy with a collared shirt and a podcast mic, and he's like, huh, all right, all right. Right. That is the best moment. All that hard work, all the pods, all the bad audio, all the Tobies, you get the invite in.

I've never had that moment there, but someday I'm sure I will. We'll get you in. I get the guy who's like, excuse me pal, where you going? And I'm like, I just did Joe Rogan, he's your hero, can I go in? They're like, no, no, we don't give a fuck, you fucking piece of shit. I heard it's better now though. Yeah, yeah, they were pretty clicky for a while.

Whoo, it was scary over there. It was scary, you'd be like, hey, I'm in town doing Conan and James Corden and Comedy Central, and they're like, that doesn't matter. We don't care. All right, so, do the store, did the OR. I always bomb in the OR. Famous for bombing in the OR.

Me, remember the last time I was on here, I was talking about I went out before Malaney, I ate my ass, he killed, I suck, he's great, cocaine. It's a hell of a drug. So go up, hot one at the store. Nice. Go up in the main room, hot one at the store. Then ol' Fahim rolls up and he goes, two stogies.

Love that Fahim. It was a great time. We got to now they got a new little alleyway out there. They got so many nooks and crannies. It's like a 600 pound woman that just folds after folds of places to hide in that place. Yeah, the seller has no nooks and no crannies. No nook.

It's like it's the best hang in the business. Yes. You got the table and this booths, but there's not like, hey, come down here, move this candle and we can smoke cigars back here. Right, nook club. The store, it's like, there's, you know, someone was assassinated up here,

Kinnison Blue, Breyer here, Paul Mooney Blue, everybody over here. Yes. There's a lot of different spots. And there's a secret humidor also. Really? Oh, yeah. There's cigars supplied there.

Wow. How about that? Oscar humidorius. So here's the other thing about the store. Emily, she runs the place. You got to love Emily. She books it. She's a sweet, sweet lady, great booker.

She just shows up, and she goes, what are you drinking? You go, ah, vodka soda. All right, there you go. And then I never didn't have a vodka soda. Wow. So she's an enabler. Uh-huh. So you're like, all right, thanks. And then before you know it, you're like back of the Andes

crying and shirtless. And you got a busy day tomorrow. But long story short, did Anaheim kill her. Nice. It's another Pasadena. It's so vast out there in LA. You just drive and it's just suburb after suburb. That's not to say nothing of Irvine is great. And then there's- Brea?

What's the other? Oxnard. Yes. Yeah, there's a million of them. And they all kind of thousand oaks did that on Saturday. That was lights out. Just a great time. California's good. It's good. And you know, you listen to the news and you get out

there you're like, if I avoid Skid Row this ain't so bad. It's crazy, yeah. I just had some guy message me, yeah, Kamala ruined California and you're like, I go there, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. You've never set foot in California. Right, right. And I think the taxes are high, so maybe we don't see that part. Taxes are high, yeah. A lot of people did leave. If you crunch the numbers, you're like, wow, more people left than ever have left. Right.

It's usually going up constantly. Now it's going down. Whatever it is. I don't know. Wildfires, mudslides, whatever else is on the menu. Yeah, 75 and sunny, those mountains and the ocean. It's pretty good. Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful. Hey folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Draft Kings. It's time to work on your touchdown dance because with Draft Kings Sportsbook, an official sportsbook partner of the National Football League, every touchdown seriously counts. If you're ready to place your first bet on the NFL, a great place to start is with something

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I tried my best. Hey, hey folks, Tuesday Stories brought to you by BetterHelp. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. It's back to school time and schedules are about to get crazy. While you're packing lunches and checking homework, don't forget to check in on yourself too. BetterHelp's online therapy can help you make that check in a priority.

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It's Fran Dresht her. She was laughing. And fly to Beantown. Now, what's wacky about going to Martha's Vineyard is you fly to Boston, you're in a real airport. Hey, I'm in Logan. I've heard of it. 9-11. And you go now to Cape Air. Right. And it is a lady on a lawn chair with a walkie-talkie and a Texas instrument calculator and you're like, so I'm going to Martha's Vineyard for the five o'clock flight. She's like, get in line. We got to weigh her. We got to count how many tomatoes you got on you.

You're getting on a rickshaw. This airplane's made of plastic and clay, and it's 38 minutes late, the Nantucket's got to go on before you, there's some fat lady with a muumuu and a big sun hat, she's like, get out of my way! And this is out of Logan? This is out of Logan. Wow. But you're off on like the, you're on the tarmac, you're in like a hut.

I've had this, it's always weird when you're at a major airport And you're in like this weird side. Yes. Yes, they have like a coke machine Yeah, you're like there's no one works here. No, no put a quarter in the jukebox coke Hey, right, right, so it's it's just a shithole over there They just push you to the side you're next to the brooms and stuff But eventually this thing took off and they go it's the eyeball everything. It's just some Asian pilot guy and he's like, he's looking at all of us, it's like six of us and he's like, all right, you're fat as shit, you go in the front, you're a bit of a twink, you take the rear and the guy's like, can I sit next to my wife? He's like, no, no chance, no chance, you guys should divorce. And then he's like, you're on the

wing, can you pull the propeller for me? And I was like, okay. And it's all just loosey goosey and rag tag. And I had to move that weird wedge in front of the wheel. And then you jump in, I'm pushing it, I'm trying to start it. And then it's a 30 minute flight, and you're really zen out on that flight. It's just like, your phone doesn't work. And you land in the VIN and then the fun starts. I love the vineyard, Martha's Vineyard, it's wonderful. It's a magical place, right when you land,

it's like, ooh, the air feels better, the sky is bluer, the ocean waves, and met up with the lady, we bang immediately, and just had a great time. There's porches, I love a porch, Jerry. God, I love a porch. All I want in my life is a porch. I'm moving to the country. Yes. Got to get a wraparound porch. It's enough already with the city.

Try Becca's trash. No, I would never set foot there. Trash Becca. So yeah, they got a rocking chair. I got a mint julep. I'm making fun of minorities. I'm in heaven. You want a beer? The TV's right here. How you been? It's completely normal, normal people time. Yeah, how about these people that you're hanging out with them? They're like, hold on, my dad's calling and they're like, yo, Papa! Yes, yes! And they're like, oh yeah, we gotta go to the ball game! And then you hear this.

Hahaha! Yes, yes! Your dad's making you laugh. I know, that's wild. He's listening to things you're saying. What is going on here? How about this one? You're hanging out with somebody and they're like, you're like, what was the name of that band from the eighties?

What? Def something? Def comedy jam? Def most Def like, hold on. Let me call my dad. Dad, what's that band from the eighties? Oh, Def Leppard. All right.

Love you. I'll see you later. I'm like, I would, I call my dad. I got to light a candle. I locked the door. I have to set off like, uh, I got, I call my dad. I got to light a candle. I locked the door. I have to set off like I got to set like three hours aside. Just because I have to be ready. I have notes and no one can be near me. I'm under the bed. By the way, I've only done it twice ever.

Because once it was Alan made me and the other time because I needed an Alan wrench. Yeah, you always need it out. You're like, okay dad, Hamas is coming. I gotta go, you know, whatever you have. I got to set something. If my dad calls, I've said it before, my dad calls, it means my mother's dead. Like his name has never popped up ever. Yes. Yeah. These people who have such a good relationship, they can just go, all right, see you later. My mom would be like, what, you don't want to talk to us? What would you, you're too good for us with chopped liver over here? I'm like, all right, sorry. We'll stay on the phone and talk about nothing. Yeah. No, my parents aren't calling me at any point. But these husbands out there, oh boy, these are suburban office nine to five providing good fathers, salt

of the earth, New England folk. All right. These guys, they get after it when the sun goes down. Oh, me you it's so impressive I'm there. They're all incredibly functioning like one of the guys is like we're out to dinner It's like ten people giant table. They're all dressed up and plaid and you know pastels cuz it's you know Martha's Vineyard and they're like Want some shrooms? I'm like shrooms. Oh? Oh, sure. This is not the world I was thinking. Yeah, I'm non-kid. I'm a comedian. My wife's pregnant.

I'm like, I'll do some shrooms. Pastels and shrooms. What the hell kind of world are you in over here? Well, that's the thing. There's a dark side to everything. Look at Epstein's Island. Hey, it's a nice island. There's palm trees.

And then before you know it, a 14-year-old's getting plowed by a movie producer. Yeah, sounds fun. Or Bill Clinton. So you're like, I'll take some shrooms. This guy hands me a bag. This thing must have been hefty. It must have been 98 grams. Whatever that is. I have no idea.

I don't know what that is either. I don't know the metric system. No. But it was basically like a football of shrooms. I was like, okay. So I put that puppy in my shirt. I gave birth to this thing in the bathroom. I was like, so are they on mushrooms? They're just on the whole time and they're pounding. I mean, these guys, these are men, Jerry, they can just, they, they handle it. They're all just like, Hey, you see that Patriots game? That was crazy. Bam. Hey, can we get another round of martinis? I mean, they just, they're like Don Draper. Wow. So then, you know, some blow comes out.

I mean, this is all under the guise of a dinner. They're like, they go to the bat, they come back like, I think I'm gonna get the potatoes and the green beans. And the guy goes, okay, all right. And we just had a hoot and a holler and then they go to bed at like 10. Coke and mushrooms and bed at 10. And booze, and booze Jerry. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. I think with the kids, they just get ground down

to a fine powder and they're like, I'm gonna snort that. Right, wow. I mean, you get zonked, that's for sure. But boy, I mean, that's why I thought I was going to be like, well, this is the world I came from. I'm, I'm one with these people. But then you start talking about pastels and cocaine. Well, they fit in on the, on the, the front page. Everybody's looking gravy, right? But then when the sun goes down, it's werewolf time. Wow, that's fun though. It's fun, and now this is the clinker. One guy, he's like the tough guy,

he's the big guy of the group, the alpha. And he goes, give me some more. And then the other guy's like, dude, you've had like eight pounds of shrooms. He's like, come on. And he goes, all right, and he throws him a cap. Now everybody knows in the shroom world, a cap is, that's the moneymaker.

Okay, I don't know anything about the cap The cap is where all the jizz is you take some stems. That's like a beer. The cap is liquor What's what is the cap exactly? That's the top of the top of the mushroom mushroom top the cap top of the mushroom to you So the guy goes to give me and he goes alright throws that cap over like a pog and that guy and he goes, all right, throws that cap over like a pog, and that guy, okay, this guy's an animal. Uh-oh, the maids or the nannies at the house. He's watching all the 12 kids. What do these people do?

I think they're in crypto. Finance. Or yeah, human trafficking, I don't know, but they got some scratch. When someone says finance, bro, what does that mean? I don't know what jobs are, I don't know, but they got some scratch. When someone says finance bro, what does that mean? I don't know what jobs are, I don't get it. Occupy Wall Street, something with that, I don't know. I think Wolf of Wall Street, not Occupy.

Occupy was like hippies and bums. Oh, that was B.O. and Mace. Finance bro is like legit, exactly what it sounds like. It's a guy who works in finance, but he's just a bro. I know, but what does he do? Accounting, What does that mean? So is our guy a finance bro? I don't think he's a bro, but he's a finance dad. He's a finance dad. Because I meet these people, they got ties and they're doing the whoop, whoop, whoop. What are they doing? I guess they're day traders. They trade Wednesday for Monday, but I don't really get it. I would

love to go to that stock market floor. I think it was better in the 80s. Yeah, it was like the ticker and everything. I love a ticker. Ticker, please. But now it's all it's like the board with the, what do you call that? The digital thing where they go and buy. Yeah, the ticker tape. The parade. The sound, Times Square. It's like a readout. A readout. Yeah, it's digital readout, but before it was like,

brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, brr, you had a guy in the green visor, he's like, oh, lead belly's up, or pork belly, and orange juice, and all that, whatever trading place it's at. Yeah, I don't get it, I'm in the game now. You got me nervous, because last time we talked. Did you call him?

I didn't call him yet, because I'm too nervous. Call that son of a B. And I got an email, This last time we talked, I didn't call it yet because I'm too nervous. Call that son of a B. And I got an email. I looked at my account and it's like $30,000 less than it was like a week earlier. I think I lost like 30 grand. So that means you're out three million. But I think it comes back. It grows up.

No, I think it, I think it goes up. It's back up again. Okay. Well, I asked a few people, they're like, no, I don't even know what you're talking about. And then Fiann texted me, it was like, are you worried about the breach? And I was like, what breach? The breach. It was a huge breach. Everything got breached. Everyone's got the thing. But I don't think

they come after, I mean, we're in different tax brackets, but I don't think they come after my fucking $40,000. They're going after you and Bill Gates and the other assholes. Storm of the Breaches of Normandy. We're fucked. Mark Normandy. Yeah. So, well, we'll see what happens there. Maybe we'll move in together because we'll be out of money. We'll get a bunk bed. Yeah. And you'll be divorced in six months. You got that right. Well, luckily there's a kid on the way. But yeah. So the, so the phone rings, the nanny hits up and they go, Hey, we got an emergency. You got to get all the

kids are freaking out or one of them fell or cut himself with a machete, something's going down. So they're like, ah, so this guy's like, oh shit. And the wife's like, we're going. And he's like, but I get, get, get. And this guy gets up, falls down. I mean, it was out of a movie. He falls down, he's like drags the whole tablecloth with him because he's like kind of tucked in. He thought it was out of a movie. He falls down. He's he'd be like drags the whole tablecloth

with him because he's got it tucked in. He thought it was a napkin. He stumbled out the door. He's waving for a taxi. There's no taxi. You got to call an Uber. Oh my God. I mean, these guys are fucking animals. I don't know how they do it. Wow. And how old are these kids? 32 31. Oh, these the guys. Oh, the guys. Sorry. The children are babies. Yeah, yeah. Toddlers, toddlers. I've been talking one, two, three, four. Toddling. That's it. Wow. One, two, three, four. That's the ages. I can't believe it. That's wild. Yeah. And that was the whole, I was there four days, three days, and they do that.

Two weeks. Wow. You see any celebrities down there? Lenny Clark, Larry David. No, I looked. I looked for Obama, saw some black people. Black people there, every one of them was like a celebrity. Like, whoa, look at that, there's one. Yeah, it's pretty wild. No Obama. I'd look for Larry. Apparently he likes this taco joint and I tried to go and he wasn't there. Ah, damn. But you're gonna meet him. Have you told this story? Oh, I don't know if I'm allowed to. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard. No, you can say it. Alright. I can look it up.

So I'm doing the Chicago Theater in November. Please come. We gotta sell that puppy out. Big one. We love Chi Town. Absolutely. I'm shooting my special there. October 27th.

Whoa. Yeah. So come on out to that. Sell that out. Man, the prolificness is unbelievable. Well, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Very impressive.

So yeah, I did a special in Chicago. Sam did a special. Chicago is the tits. We're all doing Chicago. Oh, yeah. Why the hell not? It's great. We got a we got a lot of gays there. So come out to him. Come out to him and come out to your dad.

I find that Chicago is the special place now. The big three all Chicago specials. That's right. How about that? Todd Berry, Norm MacDonald, Bill Hicks. I mean, a lot of Chicago. No kidding. So uh, got the theater coming up, my agent, hey hey we got Chicago theater you're doing 7 p.m. on Friday night. I go you got that right fatty. Let me just preface this real quick. Okay. This is insane. What you're about to hear is insane. Really? You think so?

It's crazy. Keep going. Okay. They'll be the judge of this but to me this is insane. What you're about to hear is insane. Really? You think so? It's crazy. Keep going. They'll be the judge of this, but to me, this is insane. Be the judge. Continue. Here come the judge. Yeah, you got that right.

7 PM. That's my usual time. They go, well, we got a bit of a snafu here. Larry David wants the 7 PM slot. He can only do that night. Do you mind going on at 9 and I'm like, oh Is this insane Wow, that's crazy Then you of course I'm like, yeah, yeah, he could have the 9. What do I give a shit? I'd give him my wallet

Yeah, it's gone He wrote that yes, that's right So I go yeah. Yeah, of course, of course, give him the nine. But you know what? I wanna meet him. Now I'm making demands. I love it. Good for you. I say what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Yes. And fuck me, you should say I want backstage pass. I wanna see the show. Oh, I'm going to the show. I wanna open. Yeah. Yeah, wow, oh, that'd be nice. But it's an evening with.

I don't even know if he's doing, I don't know what he's doing. Well, whatever. He's doing a chat, he needs a moderator. Every place he's a different moderator. Let's not go crazy. Every single place. I'm not gonna moderate.

He can't moderate, what are you crazy? Well, you just had a conversation. He's gonna be like, hey, would you rather eat your dad's cum or fuck your mother's cunt? They announced today Peyton Manning is one of them. Whoa. I think. Peyton Manning can do it.

I'll look it up. Wow, I don't have that kind of forehead. But yeah. I do. Aha. Could I get it? So I go, hey, I get to meet them. They go, oh, they give you one of those. Like, oh, alright, we'll see what we can do. Now this is what's really funny. So I'm going to meet them. This is wild! Wild! We'll be in the same room! Larry, you're performing in the same room on the same night. What are the chances of all the gin joints and all the world of all the people that can be performing there?

LD the all-time the king the true king of comedy hero literally the greatest better than Groucho or Mark Twain or Roseanne Barr or Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I gotta include her maybe not better than Rosie, but I mean like the goat. The goat, what did they say? Generational talent. Absolutely. He's our Sagalow. So I'm gonna be, and the cool thing is,

first of all, I had some leverage. He wants a favor from me, I get a favor from him. So now I got an hour even, but you're not a rube. I'm not some chooch going up to him going, hey Larry, I love the show I can quote everything your wife's gay. I fucked your daughter. No, I get to go. Hey How you doing the seven o'clock? I'm doing the nine exactly that's the thing You don't even have to ask to meet him. He's gonna want to meet you

I don't know he's gonna be like wait who's doing the knot is a comedian on the show Who's cuz it's not like your Engelbert Humbert Duck. No, no. You're Mark Normand. He's gonna be like, is this a comedian on the show? He's friends with Jerry? Friends with Jerry. Jerry, you can text Jerry and say,

hey, I'm meeting Larry. And then Jerry texts Larry and goes, oh, you're gonna love this guy. We haven't had pizza together. I didn't think about that. This is huge. This is enormous. He Mark Normand.

Normand, yes. He's Flourbous Unum. Whoa. I mean, this is enormous. He marked Norma. The Norman, yes. He's Flourish Unum. Whoa. I mean, this is bigger than big. Because Jerry, let's be honest, it's cool. But Larry, I mean, we all know Larry's, I don't wanna speak dispersions. We love Jerry, Jerry rules, but like,

Yes, yes. They're Jerry Jerry rules, but like yes. Yes, they're not Larry I hear that two greater than signs. Okay two. All right, maybe one I would say like 12 but easy big fella. Are you kidding? Now? Here's here's a he's not gonna hear this Jerry, right? I love you. No, he doesn't know how to work a podcast app. Okay, here's a I just had a thought He's at the theater. Anyway. He doesn't like going places. Guest set on my show. I don't think that's crazy. I mean, he hasn't done stand up since the 40s. It's going to be hopefully a sold out show, a standup crowd. My crowd likes him more than me. He walks out, does eight, does the Oosted bit,

eight, two, Brute, whatever. Come on, that's legendary. I think you gotta make the offer, obviously. I'll throw it out there as a goof and see what he says. I can't imagine him doing standard, but if he does stand up on the show, I'm gonna say this right now. Patreon, I suck your dick in that chair. I get on my knees, I walk over on my

knees, take your dick out, swallow your cum, gargle it, spit it in Chuck's face, we fire him, Rupert jumps off the top rope, ass first, in my face, for 50 bucks. If this guy does stand up on your show, forget about it. And also, by the way, we have to end the relationship. I can't talk to you after that. No, no. If this guy opens and you come out on his shoulders like any veteran, Dennis Rodman, I can't talk to you anymore. Well, I'm going to use this now in the pitch.

Like, hey, man, you want to do a set? Because my friend is going to blow me, spit at my producer's face, and this guy Rupert, you don't know, but he's going to jump off of something. And Larry's like, the guy with the bad sound? Yeah. Why bad sound? Yeah. What bad sound? Bop, bop, bop, bada. So yeah, this is very exciting,

and it's funny because I'm doing the Chicago Theater, which is a huge milestone for me, but all I can think about is LD. It's unbelievable. I mean, it's seriously the craziest thing ever, and I said this before, whatever, when you announced it, this Chicago Theater, please don't let it be lost on you. I mean, that is like, that's cooler than the Beacon.

That theater to me. You think so, wow. Well, it's so iconic. It's iconic. That sign and that seat, and under the train over there. I know, I know. It's just, and it's also, there's something about Beacon Theater, it has like a name, it's cool.

I'm not taking away from the Beacon. Beacon's pretty great. It's the Chicago Theater. Chicago Theater, Chicago theater this is the theater of the city yes it's not a Chicago theater it's the Chicago it just says Chicago right it's unbelievable and Larry David just happens to be there on the same night that's crazy say that stars are aligning the whole thing's wacky. I'm freaking out. I'm nervous. I just can't wait to say hi.

I gotta keep it cool. I don't wanna geek out on the guy because he'll sniff that a mile away. But you've been in the same room as him, haven't you? At the wedding or a wedding. Yes, it was an outdoor wedding. So same. So no COVID.

Same backyard. But I can bring that up too. Hey, it's like at the wedding. And whose wedding? Amy's? Schumer, yeah. yeah yeah he was in a nice time to say the least but we're gonna leave it right there with them pretending to smoke cigars hey I got a couple extra cigars you think he partakes oh he's big cigar guy oh is that right I thought it was just for the show no maybe I'll pick up golf. Get up

golf. Yeah yeah. I'll pick up golf. I'll get some clubs. I'll just lean them in the green room. I mean you already bought a car for Jerry. You might as well take up golf for Larry. What are we doing? I love that car. How hard is golf? Yeah. You swing the club. There you go. I can swing a club. Absolutely. Yeah alright. Get some golf clubs. What's the date again? November 7th. Wow. I think give this a gook, Chuck, because I think he is doing standup again. He made a big announcement. Larry David's gonna get his curbs over, so he's like, what the hell else am I doing?

I would love if he was doing standup, because he's one of the greats. He's so funny. Underrated standup. I loved his old stuff from the Curb pilot. That's the best. I think he announced those two shows that he did, and it was up in the air.

And then one of them was moderated by Marin. And I don't know what the other one was in Washington, DC. Moderated. I know. And then now he is doing the one with Peyton Manning. I looked it up. OK. So those.

Where's Peyton Manning? Why does Peyton Manning get to share a stage with Larry David? It's in Denver. I don't know. OK. You know what I mean? He's? It's in Denver. I don't know. Oh, OK. You know what I mean? Bronco.

Yeah. I guess he likes football. But still, you'd think you'd have, like, you know, Peter Jennings or somebody. Somebody funny. I guess Peyton's funny. Bronco. I mean, I don't know.

OJ had a Bronco. But I think you're thinking of the fact that they announced those two shows. And it was up in the air at the time that he might do stand-up, and instead it's a conversation. Seems like. By by the way that just shows you how hard stand-up is this guy could sell out anywhere He's a hilarious guy who did stand up and he's still like yeah, it's a lot of work. I got a red act come on Yeah, an act is hard, but yeah very exciting. Thanks for bringing it up I forgot all about left and I'm trying not to think about it because it's just

Too overwhelming. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I have that too with some certain things. Instead of looking forward to them, I'm like, ah, I'm going to die before then. I always get afraid I'm going to die. Interesting. Yeah, I'm like, ah, it's not going to happen. If I think about it, I'll die. Yeah, I was hoping that would happen with the wedding. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. There's a fish, there's a rock. Who cares? Don't die. But yeah, other than that, I think I blew my wad here. Sorry.

That's all right. Jizz. Oh, how about that? Me and the wife went out, we're on the beach. Okay. Me and her, Martha's Vineyard. Oh boy. We did about three hours on the beach,

and I go, all right, I'm getting cooked here. We got no umbrella, we're old school. We just go out to the beach with towels from the hotel room. I've talked about this the same way every time I ever go to the beach. I'm like, I don't have any of the things you're supposed to have. No, never. Who does? We have to go to beaches or Tom Thumb or whatever the fuck it is. And you got to pick up a shot glass, a chair, an umbrella, a frisbee,

a pail and a shovel. It's too much. Well, I think you have a chance to because now you're going to have a house. Once you have a house, you have a basement or a garage or a room, you could put your umbrella because we're New Yorkers. So it's like, it's hard to have, where am I going to put lawn chairs and an umbrella? I don't like literally there's no place to put it. I'd have to use the lawn chair. But now if you have exactly have to be at the table. Yeah.

So now that you have a basement, right? You got a basement, I assume. Big seller. Get some, uh, get some umbrellas and some bullshit and then throw them in your car. You can buy a car by the way. I got a car. But you can't have that fucking. Well, I can take that to Brighton. You're going to want a car car. It's got a trunk. I'm telling you, you got to get a civic or some shit. Cause you get the baby. You can't have the baby in that thing. He'll be, what if he's having an asthma attack? You're gonna be like, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr, brrr.

Might help the breathing. All right, well, that baby's going in that car. Suck it up, kid, he might suffocate, no AC. Well, there's any windows or seat belts either. And insurance. Yeah. All right. You'll figure that out.

We'll get all that worked out. All right, so you're at the beach, no umbrella, three hours. Three hours, you know, I get in the water, I get out of the water, you air dry, you get in the water, you look at your phone, you read a little, I'm flipping through on Us Weekly and I go, all right, I'm getting fried here. I'm pink, I'm purple, I'm orange, I got to get out. She goes, what? I thought we were spending the day at the beach. I'm like, the day? I got it. I'm toast.

I got a tan. I got in the water. I spritzed. I backstroked. I dove. I'm out. Three hours is literally insane unless you have good waves and you're in the water the whole time.

But I've said this many times at the beach. I go to the beach. I'm in the water every second. As soon as I'm out of the water, I'm like, good night, Irene. Yes. I'm going home. And the towel, it's stressed now. Now I'm not relaxing because I'm like, ah, my towel's all sandy.

Oh, I'm all sandy. Then you're brushing the towel. Then you get in. Now that the sand sticks to you, I'm ruined. And you brush the towel, the sand goes all over. Everyone's like this, hey, come on. Yes, yes, exactly. And then normally around here, there's

a couple of people with fucking woofers and subwoofers and monitors and speakers blasting like, hey, Macarena or whatever. All right. It's fucking horrible. Well, luckily there's none of that on the VIN. Yeah, that's a good boy. The VIN, they tase your ass if you bring a speaker out there, but it's very quiet. Rich people are very quiet.

Yeah, they know how to live, except when they're doing coke, they do it in their basement. I guess so. Still quiet. But yeah, so we got into it. She goes, well, how about this? What if she's trying to get me drunk now? She's like, what if we go get you a bunch of beer? We'll bring it to the beach and then we'll stay on the beach. And I'm like, if I leave the beach, I'm not coming back. Right. It's too much. And I'll just, I'll just get a beer and drink it there. I'll hit a bar. Well, that's the thing. You're like, that's what Saturday night. Very good. I'm like, are you hanging the beach and I'll just get a beer and drink it there. I'll hit a bar. Well, that's the thing. That's why Sarah and I are very good. I'm like, all right, you hang at the beach,

and I'll be over there. Yeah, see? That's a great quality in a lady. I feel like a lot of ladies, I'd say 85%. It's got to be everything together, which causes a rift. Yeah, you don't need to do things together. Rift, right. We try to do nothing together.

That is ideal. That's key. But yeah, I'm the same way. Outside of the water, the beach, I don't get it. Yeah. Just sitting there and even reading, the sun is so bright. It's bouncing off the page. And I'm like, gah!

Yes, exactly. And then you're like, all right, well, now I got to put sunglasses on. Now you got the raccoon eye. Ah. You look like Trump out there with the white under you. It's no good. Yeah, no good.

So yeah, whatever. We made it work. But I feel like such an asshole, no good. So yeah, whatever. We made it work, but I feel like such an asshole because there was other comics in town. And the Vineyard? They're doing shows there. They got shows 24-7 at the Vineyard. I did one of them. It was great. Who were some of the comics? Olga, you know her? Oh, yeah. And Carmen Lagala. Oh. Yeah, there was a couple more that I wasn't too familiar with, but whatever. And they're out there, they're doing spots, and it's a great, you spend three days,

you go to the beach, you do a show, you get drunk, you have an oyster. Wow, that's nice. So yeah, so she's like, well maybe I'll go hang out with them. And I'm like, great. And then I just do whatever I want. I can listen to a podcast, I'm walking around in the gingerbread houses. Great time. That's a nice time. You feel like a dad. You're like, eh, go play with your friends.

I'm going to I'm going to be on the porch. I'll be over here listening to sports radio. Full volume. Yeah, right. But yeah, I wasn't too far from you. Well, I mean, I was there before, but I was on the Cape and we almost went to Nantucket, which I like. I prefer over Martha's Vineyard, but both really amazing. Oh, yeah. Have you been to Nantucket? Now I hear it's stuffier. It's a little stuffy, but you're not hanging out with people. Sure. It's like people

like, Oh, they're so stuffy. Well, I'm like, well, I'm not going door to door. Right. Right. I'm doing my own thing over there, but they're both amazing. But that tuck it is mostly, uh, preservatives, conservation. So you can ride your bike all the way out to the beach and it's beautiful. I mean, they're both spectacular can't go wrong with either but yeah we were down the Cape we were gonna go to Nantucket but it didn't work out but same thing went to the beach and I swim for 40 minutes and then you're like all right yeah that's the end of that I can't there's nothing else to do here. I agree I'm with you now now let me just run one thing by it and then we got to wrap it up yeah what do

you make of this? LA flight from Martha's Vineyards, five and a half hours, whatever it is, from LA to Beantown. Guy next to me, I think was a migrant, immigrant, didn't speak English, no judge. I do the thing, you know, I'm in Delta comfort and you got the three seats. Now I got, I look on the seat map, the thing, you know, I'm in Delta Comfort, and you got the three seats.

Now I look on the seat map, the legend, and I go, okay, I'm in 13A, or 13 aisle. C. C. C, senor. 13C. 30 million lira. A cot? All right, so I'm in 13C, but I look on the seat map and I got a full row of people. 14C has the middle open.

So I go, I'm moving to 14C, I'll have that open middle. Of course, the plane fills up. Yeah, you're never going to get that. Yeah, I took a shot. And the upgrades all upgrade to Comfort Plus and First Class, so there there's never ever gonna be an empty seat in either of those sections. Ah Got it. Well now and now I'm back a row which is a little bit of a bummer. Well, whatever. I took a shot Guy next to me migrant, whatever nice guy sitting in the middle. So you try to be nice you give him some arm room Whatever he's opens up a pamphlet and I kind of go, what the hell is this pamphlet about?

Because it looked kind of government issue pamphlet, like somebody was like, hey, you're coming to America, you're going to need this. Here's how you kill people and not go to jail and you get a free apartment, whatever it is. And I go, huh, page one, five and a half hour flight, minute one, page one. This guy stared at that page the whole time. One, page one, not a flip. I was like, well, eventually he's gonna flip.

I became obsessed. I was like, he's gotta, by the end of this thing, there's a thin pamphlet, Jerry. I think he'll get to the, he'll get to page eight, two hours in. Now what's the pamph? Is it how to be a citizen? How to vote? I think so. What is it? What's the book? In English?

It looked like English, but the print was very tiny and it was about one, two, three, four, five lines. And it was all highlighted red. And I was like, what the fuck? And he just stared at that pamphlet, page one, pamphlet one, for five and a half hours. Is it pamphlet? I thought it was pamphlet. I thought it was an F. It's pamphlet. It's not an F. It's pH. Oh, pamphlet. Sorry. There's a flet in there.

Okay. So what do you think it was? What do you make of this? I'm not making any excursions, accusations, expulsatory evidence, assumptions. I don't know what it was. I just found it fascinating. I felt like Elaine. I was like, yeah, like putty. You're going to stare at one page, not none. You never got curious. What was on page two? Maybe you didn't finish page one. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to read it. Maybe he's learning to read. I think that was it. I'm just going to stare at this until these words come to me.

Yeah. I don't like the sound of this one bit. He also peed like 17 times. Well that I get. That's me, baby. Yeah, well, I was like, well, maybe he's on the shit of reading. Is he going to read to page two? And he comes back? Maybe I'll be on page three when he comes back. Ooh no, ooh! Wow. peed but can't read. I don't know. Something's fishy with

this guy. I don't like him as far as I can throw him. No, thank you. Reverse UNO. That page did not budge and I kept an eye on it. Yeah, I don't know what to make of this. I mean, yeah, this sounds suspect and I wish you got a look at what the Pamp was. I tried. The red was so... it was so painted. I couldn't get a read on the words. Now, is it possible he was sleeping? I checked. He was just kind of... I checked on the sleep. No sleep. He went out maybe for 10 minutes at one point, but that's five and a half, six hours here. Five hours, one page, one pamp. I don't know what to make of this. Call in if you got any ideas, if you know a migrant,

if you know a spy, who knows what's going on, but this was fishy and the discipline it took to hold that and just stare. Stare was like the Manchurian candidate. Maybe it's a map to like a treasure. Maybe he crossed the border, went to L.A. and said, Hey, put me in the movies. They say, yeah, we were all filled up. We got Louis Guzman or whatever. He said, All right, I'm going to

Boston. Yes, because I was they film. You know, he saw, you know, gone, baby gone and Google hunting. Yeah, I'll try my luck up there. Yeah. And then maybe that was a script. How do you like them pamphlets? He's't know. Yeah, exactly. Maybe it was a script. Maybe they were sides. Could be sides. Could be sides. Offsides. Maybe he's in character. Yeah. Yeah. He really committed to it. He's like Daniel Day. Daniel Gay Lewis. Could be. I don't know. Either way. Daniel Day-Louise. I almost made a joke at one point like We're all curious about page two buddy, you know, but I Don't have anyone to pry now who was in the window Was there anybody a Chinese lady was asleep from minute one to minute end? Are you sure she was asleep? Oh, I checked

Yeah, I nudged her. I could have just been he went to be and I went how about this pamphlet? She went so she was out. She had a mascot. It was a whole thing. Wow well I don't know what to make of the pamphlet but that's a hell of a journey. I had to tell somebody. Good luck Mr. Pampers. We love you. God bless you. You're welcome here, my friend. Yes. Welcome. We'll take your time, your poor and your bad readers. Bienvenis or bienvenidos. Something like that. There you go. Bienvenue is French. Yeah. Bienvenidos. Sounds about right. Yeah, whatever.

Oh yeah. All right. Well, we got to put a bow on this son of an onion. November 9th. Day after Cantor's wedding. I'll see at that wedding. I can't wait. I got a gift. Jason can't wait. Um, I'll be at the wedding on Friday, but November 9th town hall. Um, and where am I this weekend? Portland, Oregon this weekend, helium Portland. That's looking good. Fill it up. Get your tickets now because those early shows are sold out. The late shows. God only knows what I'd be without you. And then of course, skank fest in a couple of weeks. We'll see out there. Thanks for all the famous Amos, the Chipotle gift cards, the Starbucks gift cards. I'm like swimming in gifts. You guys are too kind. Um, and what else do I have

coming up? October, Philadelphia helium that will sell out. That's October 3rd through the 5th. And of course, Royal Oak, Michigan, October 17th to the 19th. Then October's big. I'm doing Madison, Wisconsin, October 24th, 25th, 26th. And then I drive straight from Madison to Chicago Zanies October 27th, Rosemont. We're going to shoot the special. That's very exciting. And we might have to add October 28th also. I'm not sure yet. And November 9th, of course, is town motherfucking hall. Get those tickets. Let's go. You got big cats on the ones and twos out in Chi town?

Nice. Yep. All right. Maybe. Oh, OK. We'll see. Make it weird. We're working on it. Get Rupert. Cut that. Oh, yeah, he's good. All right. I'm at the Fox Theatre on September 13th with Jim Jefferies. That'll be interesting. Orlando at the Hard Rock on September 13th with Jim Jeffries. That'll be interesting. Orlando at the Hard Rock.

I hear those Hard Rocks aren't great, so let's try to make that a fun night. The Parker in Fort Lauderdale. Then the Schnitzer Center in Portland, Oregon. Schnitzer. Got Umar coming out there. Hey, I love Umar. I just hung out with him.

Good Egg, London, Ontario, Toronto, Monterey, California, Oakland, Edmonton, Canada, Cleveland, and hilarities back to the clubs. And then we'll wrap it all up with Fayetteville, Arkansas, and Wichita, Kansas. And of course the Chicago Theater say hi to me and L D bitch that's crazy pretty wild so it's a fun time and yeah baby on the way. Chuckles? Yeah check out my podcast fun bearable our live show I think should be up by now we just we filmed the whole thing that we did at the comedy connection thanks for everybody for coming out I going to be at TerrorCon in Massachusetts, the final weekend of.

TerrorCon. It's like a horror con. And I'm going to be moderating panels all weekend, final weekend of September. And I just did two Rick and Morty panels with Chris Parnell and all those guys. And those will both be out on the fun bearable feed as well pretty soon.

So stay tuned for those. And I think we're going to do a Halloween show, a live fun bearable Halloween show in Rhode Island in October. Have you seen the original See No Evil? The Dutch movie? No, I want to see it. There's the remake coming out. This is the scariest, most dispensable, fucking fucked up movie I've ever seen. The original? It's unbelievable, the original. Which is crazy because it's mostly in English and it came out two years ago and they're remaking it in America. Wow. It is so fucking disturbing. It's so brilliant. It's strangely funny.

I haven't stopped thinking about it. I started three days ago. Wow. I gotta see that. It's insane. Damn, I gotta watch it. I want you to watch it. I want you to call me on the telephone. Don't call me, but text me. Yes. Yes. A dick pic after you see it. I sent Ron on Ron. I was like, I can't even forgive you This is haunting. This is terrible. It's crazy. Wow. Wow. I also saw strange darling, which is a lot of fun I'm nervous about this movie. I'm not good with a horror. It is Unbelievable Okay, well, hey, well we'll go see the movie and go see us on the road. Watch the specials and we'll see you in hell. We out!