Tuesdays with Stories! - #571 Xenophobic Warrior Princess

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

Oh boy everybody - it's Sam Morril's birthday and Gary Vider is setting up a dream dinner that turns into a NIGHTMARE! Matteo Lane, Ari Shaffir, Raanan Hershberg, Wil Sylvince, Salacuse - all the big dogs are in the kennel, but then the rabies hits ya, and old Normando is stuck with the bill! Then - mostly gay stuff. It's Tuedays!Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 15% off your Lumen. Head tohttps://www.lumen.me/TUESDAYS  - Support the show & try Shopify’s $1 per month trial period athttps://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't do nothing. Alright, we're back! Hello! And bad news for the people at home. Rupert is back on the ones and twos. Sorry for your ears everybody. Yeah, so you really fucked us. You porked us right on the ones and twos. Sorry for your ears, everybody. Yeah. So you've really fucked us. You porked us right in the ass there. Rupi. What happened? We went full

Stevie wonder. We had no sound. We wanted Chuck out. We were ready to fire Chuck. We told you in confidence that we want it. It's confidence is two different words. Told you in confidence. Confidence means don't tell, but but also means I'm confident. Yeah the same word true and it's confidential and Then there's a con man, which is a confidence man. Ah Ex con which is convict. Yeah a lot of con and this con ed and con air and con air Put the bunny back in the box con air not great by the way hold on, we gotta go back to trashing Rupert. Oh yeah. Have you seen

Speak No Evil, the original? No. It came out two years ago. They're remaking it now. Have you seen this movie? I know you love movies. Is that the shortest remake time ever? Well, it's crazy because it's a foreign movie. It came out two years ago.

It's like Dutch. They're speaking English, the whole movie. Uh-huh. Most of the movie is English But we're remaking it for America's Americans are so Opposed yes to watching a foreign film even if they speak English xenophobic warrior princess and Hey, that's something

That could be so It's a little dated a sketch show. She's still alive, isn't she? Lucy Lawless. Big lesbian dream. Lucy Lou and Lucy Lawless. Oh yeah. Lucy Goo. Well, this film, you gotta watch it. Have you seen it there, Rupee?

Aren't you a horror guy? This is the most suspenseful, frightening, fucked up, insane movie I've ever seen. And get this, I told Ronan to watch it. He loves it. Whoa. So you know, it's good. He hates everything, especially Gaza. He certainly does. But so this is a, this is a hell of a picture. Wow. You got to see it. Why did I bring that up? I don't know. You came in hot. I'm nervous. I can't do horror. I can't do scary. So this is not in my anal. Oh geez. Well, you watched it some other time, but Rupert, you watch it.

I don't know why I brought that up. Foreign films. Rupert. Rupert Murdoch. Sucks! Maybe this is... You did a movie I think was called A Quiet Place. All right. What happened?

I mean, we were all pumped. We're all excited, and you screwed the pooch. You boofed. Big boof. Audio, big factor in a pod apparently. Maybe 90%, 95. Yeah, they hated you, but you're back. We'll give you another shot at it.

And Chuck's gone, so it's a win-win. It was a technical error, is that what it was? Card fail. Card fail. Card fail, I've had that at a date restaurant. Been there, the Subway, the subway everywhere. Declined. Ricardia Ricardo Montalban, Jimmy Carter, but it's good to have you back. You look great. You like kiss, which is a little gay, but I've tried kiss. It's like a shittier, thin

Lizzie and a shittier early Aerosmith. If you listen to early Aerosmith and thin Lizzy and then you try Kiss, you're like, gay. Well, it's all makeup. Without the makeup, they're just like a mediocre band, I'd say. I like it's good, but it's like, this is not as good as the first Aerosmith album or any Lizzy album. Yes or no? You're saying no. Oh, jeez. I feel terrible. Oh my God. Never been kissed. Beth, what can I do? Oh, every guest begins with gay. Oh my God. Wait a minute. Hold on. Favorite band. Yeah. It's freely. I think is a, is, is better on his own. Is he a Kiss? New York Groove? Yeah, that's a great tune. Everybody. Yeah, what are you gonna do? Well, their favorite band. Have you heard the first Aerosmith record? The first few? Oh, is that a sweet emotion? Well, the first one has Mama Ken, One Way Street, Dream On, and then you have like Toys in the Attic and all those things.

Yes, yes, Attic. I'm Anne Frank. You're Jewish, right? Boop, boop, boop. Yeah. Rupert Murdoch. Gene Simmons. Israel.

Israel. Israeli. Is that right? I believe. No kidding. Well, they're okay. They're fine. I like them.

I like whatever you like, but you should, should put on some go home and put on some thin Lizzie and some early Aerosmith. I'd like you to do that. That's your assignment and also record the audio You can do those two things for me. All right pick a card any card SD card Suck dick card. Where you been? What are you up to? I'm a little wonky. I'm on road hard and put away gay. Uh, first, I gotta run this by you there fatty. I'm nervous. Well, first we missed you at the Sam Morrill birthday dinner. I heard all about that dinner. Big daddy, Papa Giorgio. What a bit. I mean, first of all, my dear friend Ron had one of the worst weeks ever. Some of it I can't get into. Yes, yes. But good gravy. Yeah, I wanted to go, but

I have a child. He goes to bed at seven. I like to put them down. I'd like to be there and put them to sleep. So I felt bad not going, but it sounds like there was a couple of hiccups. You dodged a bullet there, sloppy jalopy, because it was the longest, first it was the longest day of my life. We did a pod here, pod here two bonuses ran to do we might be drunk did a two pods there Then we go to this dinner. We got to go right after The pod because it's a five everybody's got spots everybody's got lives whatever so the dinners at five five thirty Veeder is a Hitler. He's a little mini Napoleon. He's Napoleon. What do you call that? A dictator. Yes! Yes! Big dick tater. Yes, yes. He's dick potato. And so he got

15 comics together at a nice restaurant. Ain't easy. And Salacuse. That's true. And Ronan. That's a good point. And Ahri. Ari so we're at should I say the name Say the name should be shamed. Yes say the name and say it Let's say his name baby. Give this a gook if you got access to the inner web there Rupert Murdoch Angelo Bellotto Angela Bellotto. They're selling spaghetti. Yes. And I don't want to give away the punch here, but you keep going. But spaghetti.

So this is a staple in New York. It's hard to get in one of these celebrity sightings. You know, Kim Kardashian's there and Kanye West and Alex Jones and the other guy. And they're all canoodling as it's a hot spot noodle. Ah, I hope it is closed. We're recording on Labor Day. I hope the office is actually closed. We've got the door open. We're screaming in here. I might take my pants off at some point just because we can. It's on Houston Street. I know that. It's right by

Milano's bar. Yeah, Milano's. I've had some great times there. Is that still there? Oh yeah. That's good to know. Great spot spot Milano's at a cop seat, Milano's Well Rupert's on the grinder gate board Rico Palazzo, so of course out of a movie there's two fat guineas outside smoking stogies playing cards or P. Knuckle or whatever it is and We show up, but it's it's early. It's like but pre dinner. It's 530 We're bunch of weirdo comics and Ronan shows up and basketball shorts will so Vince looks like he's gonna rob the place Ari's wearing a Riddler outfit for some reason

it's a rag tag bunch and This guy's outside. He's like a good-looking dude with slick back hair And he's like oh and I go I go let me talk to the guy I got a little pies on and me I go hey, what's shaking dickless? We got about 78 people here for a couple of pasta meals, and he goes 15 people whoo gonna be tough, and I'm like well. We have a reservation He goes we'll see about that and Sam goes let's go we're out of here and I'm like well Veeder set all this up and Veeder's sweating he's trembling he's like where's Rachel where's Liz you know and he's like hey 15 I'm like well we have a

reservation that's how it works and he's like oh pop the brakes there faggot I'm like alright geez haven't even gotten in the restaurant yet. So finally, everybody sees like, everybody's gotta be here, you know? So Matteo saunters up, then Rachel, then Liz, then Will. We finally are all here. Nothing worse than everyone's gotta be here. Brutal.

I'm like, they'll come. Just leave the chair empty, they'll walk in. Exactly. Fuck your mother. Exactly. Who else wants the table of 18? Yes, so Sam got the vibe early. You know, Sam's a prickly guy, and he can sense a prickly guy, and two pricklies don't

prick. You can't have two pricks. They're bumping up against each other like docking dicks, you know? So finally everybody shows up and he goes, eh, let me see what I can do, which is such a weird, I think it's kind of like a Peter Luger thing where they're like, hey, we're New York dicks, we're Italian mean guys, that's our thing. Right. I think it's a of Peter Luger thing where they're like hey we're New York dicks we're Italian mean guys that's our thing right I think it's a theme there but whatever these people we've talked about it many times through the years I hate these people that is like that's my personality I'm a

motherfucker I'm a fucking hey you don't want to fuck with me you don't want a baby and I'm like I don't get it you chose asshole yeah just going with dick for life going with nice yes I'll go dick You go dick, I'll go nice. I'll go pussy. Yeah. But finally we all get in and we we got a nice seat in the back room with all the wine bottles and the big cases of everything. It's like the it's the back room where they whack a guy or whatever. So we're like whoa long table and Veeder goes uh just give us the hits. uh, just give us the hits. No menu.

Give us the hits. That's what I heard. Play the hits. Big mistake. Big fuck up. Now you're getting the top shelf wine, the top shelf. Ari's got to get a martini and this guy got this and Sam gets an old fashion and I get a Negroni.

So we're getting like top shelf and, uh, then Salacuse. It's already tense in there, Sam's upset, Veeder's sweating, give me the hits, Salacuse pulls out a lens about that long, he's got a camera like in the 40s with like the, with the curtain. He's under the sheet. Yeah, he's under the sheet like a clan member. And he's like getting everybody, well, he's up on one leg. He's up on the wine rack. He's climbing the walls. And the guy goes, oh, oh, oh, enough with the photos.

Somebody's going to have a seizure. And Salacuse is like, it's just us back here. He's like, last week a lady had epilepsy up and died because of the flash. And Salacuse is like, OK. But of course And Salacuse is like, okay. But of course Salacuse is Salacuse. So the guy leaves to go back to the front room and sees the, he's up on the table, he's stepping on the pasta.

And the guy comes in and he goes, motherfucker, I see you step one more photo, I break into camera. And Salacuse is like, all right, all right. He's like Sonny Corleone. Yeah, he's crazy. So Salacuse waits, all right all right. He's like Sonny Corleone. Yeah, he's crazy so Salacuse Waits the guy leaves again. He's back up there, and we're all like get the fuck we got the photos Salacuse yeah, you're always up and down with Salacuse one minute. You're like this guy's my hero. He's the best He'll do anything the next minute. I'm like you're gonna get us all killed you fat fuck exactly so look

It's a great dinner. We haven't laughed. We do the thing where this side's more fun. Let's mix it up. Let's bring some people over there and all that. And Matteo's cooking. And Will Sylvaince is playing dumb. And Ronan's complaining. We made fun of Liz. I had to go with on Liz.

I was like, you see this guy, this asshole? That's you at the cellar. And she was like, fuck you, whatever. So we had a good time. And then the food was good. And then, yeah. Uh-oh, hit the camera. Oh, boy.

Sorry. Sounds out. Poor sound. Then the bill comes. Now take a big, fat, smelly guess on what this number could be. Well, I got to tell you, I've seen the bill. I heard the bill, everyone texted me.

Well, first of all, from my side of the street, I'm at the stand, Ronan texts, guess how much we each had to pay for the Sam dinner. And I went, I'll go high, I'll say 90. Oh, 90 each. 90 each, splitting it. Solid guess. 90 bucks, because I've eaten some fancy dinners. This is pasta.

What's a bowl of spaghetti gonna cost? 40 bucks if it's the nicest restaurant in town? Makes sense. Spaghetti. So I said 90, and then Salacuse comes down, straight from there, I'm at the stand. He comes from the stand, and he goes, guess how much our bill was, I'll give you one guess.

So I text Ron on it, I go, how much was it, quick. And he goes, well, because Salacuse Ron on, I go, how much was it? Quick. And he goes, well, cause right. Salak is said, guess how much and then double it. Whatever you're thinking, double. Oh, that's a good move. So then, uh, Sal, Ron on texting me the actual number. I multiplied it by 15. I threw the number out and Salak is like, that was unbelievable. And I was like, I cheated. I didn't tell him. But, uh, I mean, go ahead and reveal it. Cause this is retarded. It was a woof, $5,233, $5,200 bucks. Yikes. $5,200, which dibbing up to three 50 a man. Exactly. And then of course, will goes, Hey, I didn't, I don't drink. I didn't eat. And then toito was there as well.

He left after about 20 minutes, because he was like, I gotta go. So he didn't eat or drink anything either. So count them out. Right. And then nobody's putting the card down. So it's that whole weird thing where they're like, here's the bill, everybody.

Good luck with that. And everybody's like, what the fuck? Holy shit. And the guy comes back, and he's like, what's going on? And I was like, oh. So I get so awkward that I just put my card down. And then Veeder felt guilty because he put the whole thing together.

He put the card down, and then Sam's lady, Michelle, felt weird because it was her boyfriend's birthday, so she put a card down. So now I'm in the whole 17 hundo. Right. Because you split that up, so then Veeder's like, you hit up Mateo, and I'm like, now I'm in the whole 17 hundo. Right. Because you split that up so then Veeders like, you hit up Mateo and I'm like, now I'm Russell Altman. Now I'm hitting up people.

I'm like a fucking debt collector. I'm like, hey, Mateo, can I get that $350? Hey, Ronan, I know you're broke and ugly, but can I get that? That ain't no fun. That's no fun, but how about Ronan? He doesn't have that kind of dough. I know. He do.

I mean, he doesn't have any money. He got a bowl of spaghetti and he doesn't drink. I know. These people that don't drink get fucked and I know of one man who's I won't name. I saw the bill. He got a $65 drink and he makes quite a bit of money this man. Yes. Yes. I know the man. It's like $65 drink, 60 million lira. I mean that's goofy. Goofy. And I love everybody involved, but you got to say in the thing, we're going out to dinner and it's going to be 300 bucks. But no one would go. I wouldn't go. A few people might go, but 350 is, that's crazy. I mean, you used to be able to buy

a flight to LA for 350. I know. I mean, according to Veeder, he wants to have lunch with Bezos, Elon Musk, and Richard Branson. I mean, you can geter he wants to have lunch with Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson. I mean you can get 35 Chipotle's for $3.50. Of course, you're raped as Veeder but I do feel bad. It's a bittersweet because he put all this together, it's a thankless job, nobody wants to do all that work, nobody wants to show up, nobody wants to get the reservation, he dealt with the dagos on the phone and all that.

And the comics. And the comics and it's a nightmare And he did it for Sam for free out of the goodness of his heart And then he got you know he got fucked when that bill came, but we can go to a Olive garden, and we'd be happy well That's the thing is and I to me like a fancy dinner to me is steak Yeah, Frisco's Peter Lugar's the other And to me, the best steak on the menu is 90 bucks. 90 bucks for the filet.

And you get some sides, like I've gone to some very fancy meals and you're talking like, ah, 150, 180? Yeah. 350 bucks for a bowl of spaghetti. A bowl of noodles. Crazy. Brutality. I mean, and a big fuck up to be like,

bring us the greatest hits, because of course, they're gonna get all the biggest stuff. And I also heard this, there's a 25% tip included. The tip was included. Not 20, 25. Yeah, so what's 20% of- A thousand dollar tip. That's a thousand plus change, so yeah.

That's what Salacu is saying. He's like, why does the restaurant get to decide that I'm like extremely generous? That's a good point. He's got a point. Because 20% is a nice tip. That's a good tip. Yes, that's a good tip. Well also, I think it's like for parties of 10 or more, blah, blah, blah.

But I'm like, you yelled at me in the beginning, you called me a homo. Salacu's almost, his camera broken. Sam's crying at the end of the table. Like this was a big bust. Yeah, that's tough. Three 50. I mean, I feel for the guys, uh, the Ron ons, the DeVitos, the, uh, whoever else. Yeah. Uh, I mean, I can't imagine Liz is making three 50 a meal. I know, I know. So we're going to have Vitor on and really chastising, but he tried. He tried, but we don't need to. We're not the oligarchy. We don't need to go to, we're a bunch of sewer rats. Well, what do you call that place? Shake shack. Well, I think you'd go to a nice place. You got to have like four or five guys. Yeah. You got to have all guys that are making, you know, good money.

Right. Right. But Ron, yeah, he's fine. I mean, he's crying. I had to like I had to carry him home. It was like I was like Scottie Pippen to his Jordan in the flu game. He was leaning on me and he kept throwing the towel off. It was bad. I had to I left the 100 under his doorstep. The Jew game. Yeah. So good luck, Ronnie. Yeah. What can you do? But it sounds like a lot of fun. But then I heard everyone was upset afterwards. It was the talk of the town. It was soured. It was like, great, great, great, great. And then that bill came and it was like, Whoa, it was like the tower is

falling like, Oh shit, we're having a nice day. It was a beautiful day out. And then there they go. And I heard, uh, DeVito started a paper route. Yeah. The whole day was sour juice, but I texted Sam too. I was like, sorry to miss the dinner. I love you. Happy birthday. And nothing back. I think he was just went home crying and he was, yeah, what can you do? But it's these damn parties. I know you try to put on a party, your big party. I mean, everyone was upset about that. I know.

Yeah, it was a bust. I mean, get in the park. Thank you. I had a great time too, and I appreciate you coming. But get in the park, get a frisbee, get a couple of Heineken's, and that's all I need. Yeah, we got a park hang happening today. Small.

How do you? The Labor Day is crazy. It's wacky. I didn't realize. So we're recording on Labor Day. You gotta go, I gotta go. We're all gay. Rupert hates us.

He slept here. But I'm like, I got in here. My sister was in town. I walked her to the train station, because, you know, she's from Whitman, Mass. She doesn't know where the fuck she's going. So I rode to the train at like 8.30 in the morning. Wow.

And I was like, I got plenty of time. I'll walk from Moynihan Hall. Have you been over there? Beautiful. Spectacular. Really did it up. All the years I was traveling on the train. It was a dump with dog shit and human shit and horse shit. And now they close it from one to five. That's the key. Is that right? They pack at one o'clock. They take all the hobos and the junkies and they punt them to

the curb. I love that. They power wash. And I think because all these people started coming from Europe and New York's like the beacon of America. Yes. And they're like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy. Yeah, yeah, it's no Buenos.

So wait, they kicked the hobos out at 1 p.m.? One, no, 1 a.m. to 5 a.m. Okay, yeah, that's smart. Good, they should do that with everywhere. Absolutely, I think they should shoot all of them and kick them in the river. We don't need them. Yes, just release lions and just let them get all the hobos

They'll put the lines in the zoo. Yeah, get a job or get eaten. Yeah USA USA You say Huey lion said you ain't lying. Oh, I was thinking Huey Lewis and I was like Huey lion sounds fun Oh, I'd like to meet him, but he's got a huge dick Ryan sounds fun. Oh, I'd like to meet him. I bet he's got a huge dick. Wouldn't it be fun to be the legendary dick guy? Oh, I'd love to be the dick guy.

Fitzsimmons has a huge hog. Is that right? You didn't know that? No. Oh, there's a long wives tale about that piece. Steve Rogers, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Huey Lewis, and Jimi Hendrix. Well, that goes without saying. I feel like the blacks don't get a, you know, like, um,

Lisa Ann said John Sally was the biggest she's ever seen and she's seen a lot of dicks. Oh wow. Basketball player. John Sally. No kidding. Same initials as Jerry. There you go. What kind of dick he has? Circumcised. That's for sure. Yeah. That's the best dicks. Did you see a photo came out of a Jerry in a green room with Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby not a good look it's a bad photo that's hilarious on an island by any chance no no not yet Manhattan anyway so yeah I walked over here and I was like let me go get some let me get a bag I'll walk off from Penn Station over to here which is a

hoof it's a hike yeah that's a haul here, which is a hoof. It's a hike Yeah, that's a haul, but I had time a hoof a hike and a haul So I walked over and I passed a couple of those shitty looking like Penn Station like New York Bagels 88 cents. Yeah, get out of here walked over here. Everything's closed over here. It's the city's like a Ghosttown right now. It's apocalyptic. Well, this is the business area. We're in Midtown East. I guess so. I guess because we've got Grand Central over here. So, this is like a skyscraper hedge fund hub and now it's all... It's all pipes. I mean, it's dead. And I actually wish the city was like... Like, there's parking spots everywhere. There's like

14 people out and about. I think this is what it's like in the 50s. In the 50s, people just had a trench coat on, a hat, and you could park your Chevy right there on Fifth Avenue. That'd be nice. But anyways, yeah, I went everywhere looking for, I'm like, let me get a bagel or something, something to nosh, because it's 10 o'clock in the morning. I woke up at 6 AM with the Bambino. I'm fucking starving.

Plus, I had a caffeinated beverage. I got a shit blood. Yes. And my tits are on fire. My hair is gay. So I was looking for a place and every place is closed. And I was like, finally I was like, all right, I'll go to Starbucks, get a bagel there. That's even that's close. Wow. So I had to go to La Paine Quotidaria. How do you say that? La Paine Quotidaria. LPQ. I got two croissants here and I haven't even had a chance to eat them. I better eat them because Rupert's eyeing them. It's like this guy.

It's amazing that place stayed open because no one knows how to say the name and no one knows what the name is. I know Paz Bread, but with Ketodean, what the fuck is that? So now everybody has to go, oh, the only thing that's open is Paz Bread. Right. Because nobody wants to look like an asshole, but it's a bunch of Cleveland fat guys in town that got to go eat there. Well something, someone called it LPQ the other day, I didn't know what that was, but

I'm like, I'm going to start going LPQ. I like LPQ. It sounds like the gay things. Huh? I'm LPQ. Oh, plus, yeah, QAnon, LPQ. Well, there's the other one too, Pret-a-Molger. Yes, Pret-a-Manger.

What are you doing to me? Yeah, French is gay, fuck the French. So gay. The French are assholes. I've been to Paris, I love Paris, I wanna go back, but Paris is Paris, don't bring Preda Manger here. Gay Paris. Love Gay Paris. What does that mean exactly?

When they say that, that's just a nickname? Yeah, cause gay used to mean lovely and nice and fun. Unhappy. Unhappy, yeah, now it means gross and sinful. I love the gays. There was an old joke, this comic, Dan Neubauer, way back when I started, 25 years ago, literally, which is depressing. Old Bauer.

He had a joke where he said, I call everything gay. That's gay. Traffic is gay. This is gay. My friend was like, that's really offensive. My gay friend was like, that's offensive. He goes, you're a Jew. What if I was like, that's so Jew. Traffic is so Jew. And he goes, yeah, I guess you're right. That would be pretty gay. That wasn't like those jokes when you first start that you're like, whoa. That's great. That's gold. That's great. Oh, sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead.

Well, has this been done? I thought of this, I was talking to the wife and she's all pregnant. She was like, I got to tell you, we were watching some movie with gay stuff. And she goes, if you ever blew a guy before we were together, that's a red flag. And I was like, well, actually it's a rainbow flag. Hey, that's not bad. Has that been done? Never heard of it. All right.

It's a quickie. Yeah, that's a fun one. Maybe there's a brown flag in there somewhere. Oh, yeah. My ex was a brown flag. Yeah, I had a brown flag in there somewhere. Oh, yeah. My ex was a brown flag. Yeah, I had a brown tip flag pole. Something. I don't know.

No, my wife too. My wife was born in 1978, if you forget. And she's like, if you hooked up with a guy... It's so different now. I don't want to cast dispersions. It's different. It's just old school, and we've talked about this before, but I'm like, my... If you came out as gay when I about this before, but I'm like, my...

If you came out as gay when I was in high school in Whitman, Massachusetts... Oh, it was news. I mean, they would have fucking... Forget about it. You would have been on the flagpole. There was no chance of someone being like, I'm gay. Yeah, it might feel good if you're sitting the right way. But yeah, no, you're right.

That was like, whoa, mama. This is a headline. Well, my niece goes to the same high school and everyone's panned by, and it's great by the way, we're obviously not saying it's bad, it's wonderful, but it's panned by Q plus whatever. You gotta be now. Which is wonderful, but I'm like, that was not even on the menu to be like, hey everybody, I'm a homo. I mean, it would have been a bad situation. Yeah, agreed.

The problem is people are people, and we just, we go, oh now gay is great, pan is great, trans is great, but you're bad. Why can't we all just be great? Why do we have to make one group kinda shitty at the end of the day? Yeah, we're all good. Yeah, we're fine, can't we all be good?

You know, it's like, hey, I love brown, I love black, I love trans, I love Chinese, I love Indian. White guy, we're not crazy about. And you're like, well, I got feelings too. I'm a very nice guy. Bless you. Thank you. Wait, why were we talking about this?

The Jews, too. You guys are never in contention. Why were we talking about Rhode Island? What were we talking about? Way before that, though though I had oh yeah gay high school your sister's gay why was I bringing up high school being gay Rupert what was I talking about? Oh I said Seinfeld was with the with the

oh that was like a 45 minutes ago Clinton ah fuck I had a point I was getting ready to make a point yeah the croissant everything's closed what did you say because I was starting to say a thing and then you said something you say when you see things Why did you bring up gay? Oh? My wife 1978 red flag My wife 1978 she was like if you had hooked up with a guy it would be a deal break She's like I wouldn't be able to get over that that would be crazy. Yeah same, and she's not anti gay. She just doesn't want to be married to a

half gay a half But now and I wish that we grew up in this time because now Experimenting is whatever right because I would have liked to have been 20 years old been like let me put a dick in my mouth And see what it tastes like sure but when I was back when I was banging if you were like, yeah, I tried three dicks. They were like Number you piece of shit So it would be nice to grow up now cuz I would have loved to a finger fucked Nick Flynn in the back of the bus Just see what kind of flavor he had. Yeah. Well if you figure fucking Nick Flynn the flavors gonna be that's a brown flag But be careful there.

But yeah, I hear you, but I just, you like what you like. I'm not, I got jerked off by a guy once and it didn't move the needle. That's how I go my dick. But yeah, my wife, same thing, she's like, if you hooked up with a man, that would be through and she'd be like Ace Ventura with the plunger on her tits. Yeah.

Isn't it funny how different men and women are? If Sarah was like, yeah, you know, I took Regina in the back room and we really scissored it up in eighth grade, you'd be like, high five it. Oh, I'd be in that yearbook trying to find Regina. Exactly. But she's the same thing. She's like, I couldn't eat a pussy. My wife wouldn't eat a pussy if I was like, I'll give you 350 million to taste it like a stamp. And she'd be like, no thanks. I'll be broke. Oh yeah. That's a smelly stamp. But I agree.

And I get off on that. I don't get off on it, but I love that. When my wife's like, if you put a vagina in my face, I'd go school shooter. I'd put a knife in it. I'd kill myself. I couldn't do it. But I'm like great because I got weird balls, a flat ass and a hairy back and you're into it. It's a nice feeling when they don't want the puss because this ain't exactly potpourri. It's mind blowing to me to be attracted to a male. I just can't, sure I want to come on my back and in my mouth, but a man is so appalling to me. The hairy toes, the long

toenails, the cock, the smell of the balls. I have a theory on this because I think this ain't no picnic and ain't no prize, but it's not a woman. It's almost like Kamala. She's, she's retarded. She's a dimwit, but she ain't Trump. Right. So you're going to go with Kamala. You better believe it. So I was just saying that's what balls are. Kamala balls are Kamala and pussy is Trump to her. Right. But some people love pussy. So they're like, I'm up Trump all day. Right. I think it's pretty good. Perfect. It's not perfect. I have a Bernie sensation. Love the burn. Feel the burn. But anyways, yeah, so I love pussy and I don't like dick. Though I do want a hot load to shoot across my back. I just like to feel it like this. Oh, it will rip. Settle up, big daddy. I bet you have

the hottest cup. Oh, yeah. I bet it's like 300 degrees in there. You're making bread in there. That's quite an oven. You just wanted that feeling of like, we did it. You know, my wife comes and you have that feeling, but it's all fake. I got to believe the face and the lies. Yes. Come, there's no lying. No, you can't fake that.

I mean, you got to get ketchup back. They'll know. It's a little different viscosity. Viscosity? Yeah. What, did you get a calendar? Where the hell's that come from? I got a Word of Day. A turn of day. But, oh, I had something about the Giz. Viscosity hot cone. Oh, I'm working on this bit about, I don't like credit cards because there's no, I like cash because you can feel it. And I say getting

like a money wire to your account, it's like a female orgasm. It's exciting, but there's no proof. I want the feeling. That is good. Thank you, it's working. Yeah, maybe there's something there too, because you have the proof, because you have the number.

Right, that's true. But maybe there's something to it, you're like, I have the number, the number is her going, I loved it. I had an orgasm, yeah. I'm like, sure, but I can't see it. I can't see it, I can't hold it. It's just digital.

Maybe it's something to the ATM. You go to the ATM, you take the cash out, and you're like, here it is. Oh. Is there a version of that with the orgasm? Interesting. Ass to mouth. Pfft.

Um, well, yeah. Well, that's why squirting is so popular. That's why I love a squirt. I've never seen it. It's a myth, but. I've had a few rooster tails in my day. And it's very exciting. Reverse bukkake, my only porn category. I love a reverse bukkake. That's when they go...

Oh, yeah, that's pretty great. Yeah, that's all I need in my life. So they pee on your face? They all piss in your face. I mean, they call it squirting, but it's piss. Hmm, interesting. Yeah, they take turns. They line up in like a line, you just lay there and your hair is all soaked, your eyes are burning, your teeth are rotten. Wow. Well I mean that's exciting. Yeah. The vagina is so, what's the word?

Complex? Well not, yeah, but it's, they can take a pounding, take a beating. Resilient. Resilient. Yes. I mean they see the squirt. These guys like right. Easy. You got to rip that thing open but it can take it. I can take a child. I can take a dick. They bounce back. I mean Rupert squirted out the size of this man. That's true. Still walking around. Yeah. Who knows about the wiener. But I'm sure your child is quite large. Yeah, big old child. Ooh, Chad, well, how about this?

We didn't even get, yeah, we're digressing. Speaking of Chad, yeah, we don't have the clock going either, what time is it? Where are we going? Where are we? You're at 31 minutes. Oh, great, okay, we got time, cause I got some stuff over here.

We, right now, as we speak, by the time people are hearing this, I might be living in a new place. Woo-wee! Things are a bit funky, a bit wacky. We're trying to move lock, stock and barrel. We can't find the barrel, but we got the lock in the stock, the apartment. So I got a wild cock up my ass, pulled out and came on my back. Rupert, you look nervous. You're looking around. Oh God. I'm scared. He's saying it's okay. He likes kiss. Don't clock block. So we start looking at apartments all over town. We find something we like and they have a open house and it's a five minute tour. We sign up for

five minutes. I like that. It's nice, but you're like, I want to run the shower. I want to fuck in the bed. You know sure. You want to test drive. Of course. Because it's not the worst thing. You get a place in this bad shower, Presh. Hate the Presh. So- Your pressure. Great to Presh. So we go over there. My mother, my sister and niece are coming to town. My niece is moving back to school. She goes to Pace. Good movie.

So she's coming down. What movie? Pace? Back to school. Oh, back to school. I was like, what the hell's pace? So they come down and I go, Hey, we got an 1155. We're looking at an apartment in battery park city, BPC. I'm excited. This is cool. We'll see. So now I've never gotten an apartment in Manhattan. All the apartments I ever got were a comic who goes, Hey, I got a room. It's a a $100 a day. And I go, okay, great. Yep. So now you know, you've been through this times three, it's a nightmare. And I'm like, I talk about this all the time. I didn't get

raised properly. I got no knowledge of adult right, right finance of mortgage of co op of rent. I don't know what a PhD is. I don't know what a bachelor's is and an associate's. Anyone that puts a tie on and goes to work, I have no idea what they're doing. Yes, yes. All I know is plumber, cop, firefighter, roofer. You know all the Halloween costumes.

Yes. I know the fucking, the YMCA holos. Yeah, the village people. Yes. I never met, the YMCA. The village people. Yes. I never met no one in my family. Zero percent of my family has spent a minute in college. Wow. None. That is impressive. My niece is the first person to go to a school. Wow. I think my sister went to community college. I should tell you if she heard this shit a brick. Okay. But she went from she drove from home to the community college down the street Which I'm not taking away from community college

But like I don't know anyone that put on a tie and went to the football game and now their face and said we Sure are Gay, you know, like I don't have that. Yeah, so people with jobs and brown shoes I don't know what the hell's going on there. Yes. Yes my family is a fireman another fireman a plumber and a secretary and Insurance fucking what not insurance. What do you call it? doctor I wish my god. My dad works in the administrative at the hospital. Ah, he's got a tie. Okay. Okay

I used to now he works from home, but like he used to have a tie but like it was just Okay, okay. Yeah, he used to, now he works from home. But like he used to have a tie, but like it was just purchasing they call it. Ah, I see. They go, we need 40 gowns and 30 face masks and two needles. Inventory.

And he's like, okay, there you go. Oh, all right. So it's something, he had slacks. Yeah, he had a keyboard. I think so. That's big. Not bad. Not bad, he could type.

I think so, sort of, yeah. I still can't type, can you type? I can type. You can type. I can type a sort of, yeah. I still can't type, can you type? I can type. You can type. I don't type a lot. Like the full Monty. Wow, you can fake type, I get that, you got that down. But I'm talking type type.

Yeah, I type okay. I'm not, you know, I'm not Chuck. Chuck's just banging away at the keys the whole episode. I have no idea what he's doing over there. Yeah, I know, he's booking flights or something. I'm still this guy. That's why I got eight pounds of notes in my back pocket, I can't type.

Right, you can type on your phone though. Yeah, I can do a thumb. I can do some thumbs. Well, I think there's some study about, this will be the first generation that only knows how to type with their thumbs, or thumb work, something like that, kind of crazy thing. There's also a thing now coming up called tech neck,

because it's a lot of this shit. Oh, you get the Tech Neck. How about this? You ever see this on Instagram? You watch a reel, it pops up and says, study show, a new study shows. This is a literal one I saw. Families that have dance parties, the kids end up being nicer, kinder, softer, gayer, better readers.

I like it. And so I'm like, I don't doubt it. We have dance. I like it. And so I'm like, and I don't doubt it, we have dance, I love a dance party, I have a dance guy, I love the music, the tunes are on, the TV is never on. You could cut a rug. Oh, I can dance baby. So I'm like, what the fuck study is this? And I go to the comments and someone wrote, can you link the study? What are we talking about? What study? Yeah. Who studied this? Yes. How? Link it. Right. I think people, it should just say, Hey, because how would you even do that study? Who studied this? Yes, how? Link it. I think people, it should just say, hey, because how would you even do that study?

You'd have to rely on the parents to go, do you have a dance party? We do. Are your kids nice? Oh yeah, very nice. Right. It doesn't make sound like if it was Harvard, it would say Harvard.

Yes. How did they do the study? When did they do it? I think this is a thing on Instagram. You can just write, big study. Right. Eating steak makes you gay. Yeah. Study show and Americans. I don't think they go. Let me find the paper. They go. Oh, look at this. We love a headline. It says it here. The the fucking,

you know, the fart parent at Fart Parent 41 said that. Yeah. Anyways, what am I? I think you're right. I think you're right. Yeah. we'll just buy anything and we buy the one we want to buy. He go, Hey, dance party. I'm a dance party type. I got good kids, but there's no study. And then you have people that are so adamantly like a plant based diet is the key to living. Yeah. And then there's other people that are adamantly like you need protein from meat. Yeah. And they both have studies. It's all pipes, Jerry. I mean, like the four food group or the pyramid, that was all debunked.

The pyramid is debunked. I grew up on that fucking pyramid. It's a pyramid scheme. I grew up on that thing. That thing was gospel. Hey, it was up in every classroom. There it is folks, big old triangle. And now it's all shit. You do that bit?

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to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. So anyways, so we put in for the apartment. I'm I was raised poorly. I'm a piece of shit. I don't know anything. So we go, Hey, it's a five minute tour. Come on down. And my sister and niece are in town. So we all go, it's me, Sarah, the baby, my niece, my sister, Kramer, the Butler. We go down there. We're fucking five of us. And then I've never had this. Have you ever heard of this? The guy's just doing tours all day. There's a lovely Asian couple over there and we go in the doorman. I go, Hey, we're the new, we're the new patrons.

We're looking at old three Q. We want to move in please. And he goes, go over there with the less rest of them. And as you look over, it's like doing an audition. When you walk out and everyone looks like you, and I'm like, oh, and I have this defeatist attitude, I have no self esteem, I hate myself. As soon as you see another couple, you're like, well we're not gonna get it.

Yeah, we're not as good as them. They'll get it. Yeah, they're better, we're worse. So he brings down a couple, they leave, there's all these couples seeing it. Yep, I've been through this. And again, all my apartments were just comic. I bumped into my apartment I live in now,

I bumped into Ed Larson, the great Ed Larson, and he goes, yeah, there's another unit, you want it? Right. I was like, sure. And then my landlord did no check. Yes. He just went, oh great, thank you. Well, and this is the opposite of comedy of comedy paperwork, background checks, filling out a form, credit check, all that shit is like, it just scares. It's adults, it's papers, it's numbers, it's lines on a pay and it scares the shit out of me.

And it's a holiday weekend. I haven't even told my landlord that I want to move. Right. So I, we go up there for the tour and uh and I'm like nervous because we're with the competition which is weird. That is awkward. They're also there and then the people that live there, they currently live there. So there's like a cat walking around, it's all decorated. The cat's like scratching at the baby so I'm kicking the cat. I hate cats, no offense. Greg's cool, not really. So we're walking around looking at the place and you have five minutes to be like, do I wanna live my life here and raise my child here? Yeah, that's no good.

It's crazy. And so then the guy's like, okay, if you want, this is very competitive, it's a holiday weekend, we got four couples that are already interested. Oh, they do this shit. So you gotta send your bid, what you're willing to pay, because the asking price is one thing. Yeah.

And then you can go up Interesting and he goes we need a copy of last year's tax returns You need a letter from your landlord who I haven't even told I'm moving Oh boy, and then you need your wife's tax returns a pair of your wife's underwear your father's bra Yeah, and Rupert's dildo. Oh man. And we need it by six o'clock. And I'm like, whoa, he's gonna be using it. So I'm like, okay. And so I'm like, there's no way we're gonna move here. The whole time I'm looking at the apartment, I'm like, we're not gonna live here. Yeah, that's a lot of stuff. I think my place needed recommendations.

I had to get a letter from a friend or a business owner who was like, this guy's all right. He's not a pedophile. I saw him once, you know, whatever. Brutal! You gotta ask people to write a letter? It's terrifying. So then we went downstairs and the guy, the agent, I literally don't know what he's called. The realtor? Broker? Realtor? Yeah, I don't know, broker or something? He was just a young guy. Tom Brokaw. And I said, well, let me ask you this, because we haven't filed our taxes yet, we were late

on our taxes, We got the baby. So we're going to file the whole thing. But can I give you the year before? Can I give you a letter? Like, can I just? It's like high school. You're like, can I give you like my version of the thing you're asking for?

Because I'm retarded. And then I went, we're comedians. So our lives are like, really? And I go, yeah, who's your favorite? I probably know him. I'm friends with him. I dropped Shane Gillis. Oh, yeah.

I was like, Nate Bargatze, Louis CK, and he goes, wow, what, that's crazy. He's like, you ever meet Tom Segura? And I'm like, met him, I'm his nanny. I done the pod, he fucked his wife. I said, I was on his podcast, and he goes, your mom's house? And I go, yeah, you gotta check it out.

I throw Netflix, even though no one saw my Netflix special, it was 48 years ago. It counts. I go, I got a Netflix special, check it out. And he goes, that's crazy. I think that's good, but he doesn't make the decision. But I said, put it in a good word. So then I was glad Sarah asked cause she goes, well, when you say a bid, cause some people go higher than the asking price. Like the price is like 5,000. She's like, can we say 6,000? He's like, oh, no one goes that high. That's crazy. So I'm glad she asked.

Because I would have been like, we'll give you 7,000. They would have been like, what? These retards offered. Wow. He's like, I think it's like 50 bucks, 100 bucks. So I offered 53. Oh, price is right. But then he's like, that's a good offer,

but you've got to get the stuff. So I had to have my, it's like Labor Day weekend. I text our, what's it called? Accountant. And I'm like, can you write a thing? Yes, right. So he has like a little letterhead. He's like, Joe makes money.

He's a nice guy. He's got a dick. He's a comedian. Yes, yes. And then he goes, I go, I got money. Can I just send you a screenshot of my bank account? He goes, that'll work. Oh.

So I just screenshotted like the money I have in the bank. Oh, that makes sense. I'm like, here you go. I like that. And then he goes, well, we need your wife's tax returns. And I'm like. You're the breadwinner. My wife, she makes like eight bucks a day.

Yeah. I'm like, what do you need that for? I know, I'm the money guy. She's picking up cans. So I said, you know, well just my landlord He's out of town. He's out of the country, which is true town and country good mag So we'll see I sent him he goes this looks good. I'll forward it and I go for what it's worth It's just coming for me. I'm like my landlord loves us. We don't drink. We're raising a family

I was like everyone in my building. I recommended to the landlord. We've been there for nine years My father's gay George saying cut it where the cameras. We've been there for nine years. My father's gay. George saying cut it. Where are the cameras? I know she Gillis. So he goes literally like, no kidding. I'm like big time. Yeah. He's showing photos. Here's me and him at a dinner once. I said Joe rogue. I was like, I've been on rogue, which is always nerve wrecking because you're afraid he's going to be like that piece of shit. I could go either way. So, uh, also the guy was half Asian, but I said Shane, I was like, maybe that was a big mistake. Ooh, doodles.

I was like, but I don't like him now. Whatever you think. Yeah, I hit Tony Hinchcliffe. Don't get me started. So we'll see. And we're supposed to find out like this week. So I keep going back and forth. There's a chance I'm gonna get emailed

and be like, you got it. Yeah. And I'll be, I'll be so close to you. That's a high rent though. Yeah, it's brutal. I can't afford it. Join the patreon quick It's horrible. Well, you want to win but you also are like, oh if I do win my life's over But it's it's affordable for that neighborhood. I see so and it's it's a nice building. There's a doorman

I've never had a doorman Larry Miller and And there's a there's a little balcony thing you can smoke off there. Mark Dorman. And your steps from the Esplanade, where we saw it. Oh yeah. And the nice mall over there. My niece is right there. So we'll see. But the nice thing is we're in a good situation because if we don't get it, we just have a nice apartment that we live in. That's true. We're not getting kicked out. Yes, yes.

So that's nice. I did the same thing in Brooklyn. We went to all these places and you see the people who look like you, but they're always a little shinier, a little nicer, a little better dressed, and they have nice, cute kids. So yeah, we never got one of them. But this whole Segura nonsense and the Netflix, that's big. It's almost like an Indian arranged marriage where you're like, huh, huh, is it gonna be me, is it gonna be him, and then you gotta win them over

with your shit. I think that was a smart play. Because everybody's got a tax return and a paper from the bank. You got something different, you stand out. Well I think too, I'm like, you show your money, you're like, is this a lot of money or a little? Like I don't know, but I think for that rent price,

people that can afford more than that aren't trying to get that apartment, they're getting better apartments. I think I'm right in that sweet spot. Is it a lot of people with a toddler as well? I didn't see. Okay. But these people that currently live there have two kids. So they're're they're shipping out but it's it's they have to make the decision I guess but it's so weird to be like

Here's my bank account. I know that's strange because that's the one thing you're not supposed to show anybody and then his guy You're like, please please look at this. Yeah, please believe me and Russell wrote a nice letter. He's like he makes this much money He'll make this much next year, but They own the building and now they know I'm a comedian. They might be like well What if this guy gets canceled or next year that's always a chance Possibility that happened to me in my old place on 10th Street. They were like, oh you're a comedian. You're in the arts. That's very Up and down. What do you got fluctuate? Up and down. What do you call it? Fluctuates? Risky? Flux?

Uh... Volatile? Volatile! Yeah, so they're like, that's scary! And I was like, well I got a Netflix thing coming out! And they were like, oh, alright, you're in. People think Netflix is something. It is something. It is something, but I know a lot of guys who've been on there who are, you know,

struggling. Did we talk about the David Cross, Mark Maran thing? Yeah, that's so fucking funny to me. I've told like nine people that. It's hilarious. That's funny. I don't know if we talked about it in the air but David Cross made a special, sent it to Netflix, they said no and then Mark was like just put it on. It's how I feel. Just put it on there. Who cares? It's not full. Right. It's not a fucking shelf. Just put my special on there. Yes, exactly. Who gives a fuck. It's not going to overflow. Right. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? It's not going to overflow.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, what are you going to do? By the way, I got the bill for my next special. Everyone was like, don't shoot in New York. You got to do something different. So I'm like, I'll go to Chicago. I'm going to shoot in Chicago.

You're flying people around. And I'm going to fly everyone to a hotel. If you saw the amount of money this special is going to cost, please, for God sakes, watch it, send it. Menlo. Jesus. Fuck. I'm fucked. Wow. Is it cats? Cats. Wow. Cats. And yeah, I'm doing like seventh down. Move it. We're moving studios. I'm going to move

homes. I'm going to shoot a special and I have a movie coming out. It's all out of pocket. Wow. I'm getting cleaned out. Wow. Man, you should. I hope you showed the guy your bank statement before all that. Oh, man, you should. I hope you showed the guy your bank statement before all that. Oh yeah. All right. It's going to be and I haven't paid my taxes for 2023 yet. So it's a totally fake bank statement. Like it's, I'm just forging the, like, it's going to be like literally half of what I showed them is what I actually have. All right. Well, don't watch this, broker.

Oh, he will have made the decision by then. OK, OK, just kidding. But don't you have that thing sometimes? It's the same when you audition or submit something. And I'm sure people, every time you've gone out for a job, what's that called, interview, you have the two halves of your brain. Like, I'm like, I think we're going to get it.

Of course. We're going to move down there. And then five minutes later, you're like, why would they pick us? Why would I get it? I got a hole in my shirt. I'm wearing a fucking Brandy Carlisle shirt with gonna get it. Of course. We're gonna move down there, and then five minutes later you're like, why would they pick us? Why would I get it? I got a hole in my shirt, I'm wearing a fucking Brandy Carlisle shirt with holes in it,

and beat up New Balance sneakers, and I'm like, I'm a comedian, trust me, I know Shane. Yeah, yeah I know. Like, we don't even have the paperwork, like we have none of the paperwork he actually asked for. It feels like you're greasing the guy, like here's two fours, here's two fives, you know, and they're like,

this is a professional establishment. It feels like high school, like we need a 14 page term paper and I'm like well here is a book report I wrote in middle school. Exactly, yeah. I remember when I was looking for jobs, my ex-girlfriend, she was like let me show you how to write a resume. She was a normal human being. She wrote out my resume and it was like community college, this college, whatever, whatever, and she goes what about special interest? They like a

little that and I go well I went to film school, I know how to edit, I know how to do this, and she was like this is good. You should be applying for these jobs. Why are you going to like type in a women's office? And I was like I don't know. I'm a comedian. I'm just trying to pay my rent so I can be a comic but she was like this is the good stuff Public speaking all that shit. That's what we need guys like us. We need someone to be like we talking about you're good at this Yeah, like this. Oh, I know I know so I have that all the time We're people were like, I don't understand but you started a business and you're like successful Oh, you went from like nothing to something or the hardest business there is and you're like, oh, yeah

You went from like nothing to something. The hardest business there is. And you're like, oh yeah. But we're such tards that if we're not in a building with glass windows and a secretary, we don't think we have a business. Right. You know, we're like, our business is just, it's, what's the word?

Fluctuate? No, when you can't touch it. Organt. Intangible. Intangible. I tell you, this word of the day is paying off. Well, Ron and I were talking about this. He had this point. I'm the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. Like at the end, he's like, I'm dumb, I don't have a brain, I'm

retarded. And then the wizard is like, all you need is this piece of paper. These people are all the people are just dumb and retarded, but they got a piece of paper. Because I went to no college, I'm so self-conscious about my intelligence. So I think I'm an idiot, I can't follow anything, I'm too dumb. And Ronan's like, yeah, you're smart, you just didn't go to this school

so you feel like a moron. Wow, that's a great, you are the scarecrow. I'm the scarecrow. You're the scarecrow, because you got the smarts, you just don't know it. And if I sing, I sing, if I only had a brain, to my son every night, for bed. So, it was that. Oh, there you go.

Now, what's worse or what's better? Me. Okay. Going to no college and not wasting the time or going to three and a half, four colleges and getting a degree, but going to community college, then a regular college and failing out and going to another one, then going to another one? What's worse? What's, but you have a degree. I have a degree, but I wasted seven years and I don't even use the degree and I don't give a shit about it. I mean, I made friends and I see what you mean. Yeah. Yeah. Well you're in a better shape. If comedy, they

go, that's enough comedy. We're closing all the clubs. You're going to be in a good spot. But it helped me to be doing comedy earlier, but it didn't help me that much because you're doing way better than me. So I, if we switched, if I had started at 20, when did you start 22? Yeah. So I would be in a worse shape than if we switched even worse shape. I'd rather have the time. The time is precious. You can't get it back. You can get a degree online in 10 minutes now. Right, maybe I'll get a degree. Get a degree.

I might need it. I get this place, I'm gonna need a day job. That's true, yeah. We're gonna target. It's also nerve-racking too, because you're like, I'm a comedian. This guy looks, the co-op people look us up. It's literally just us talking about eating our dad's cum.

Yeah, the height of comedy. But yeah, I'm grateful for not going to college. Yeah, because you were wasting time. Wasted a lot. I mean, I was wasted the whole time. I had a, I lived in a house with five guys. We got laid, we had a hot tub, we played poker every Monday, we had beer pong, we had all kinds of tiki parties and luau's and all this shit. But I didn't learn a goddamn thing and I wasted a lot of time and money. But that was the problem too. I didn't waste any money, which is nice. Ooh, that has some length on it, huh? That sounded like one of these.

Yes! Well, I wasted all the time, and I did all the same things, and I was a comic, but I did comedy every Wednesday for the first year. Ah. Once a week. Once a week. And then didn't record any sets or videotape myself or get on social media.

I just fucked around for so long. Yeah. So, I mean I wasted, I mean I wasted so much time it makes me want to kill myself. Same, same. But we got it together and we got it going. But some people, you know you meet that 50 year old guy and he's like, maybe I'll start comedy.

And you're like, ooh, I'm so glad I started at 21 or whatever, 22. I know, and I couldn't start when I was're like whoo I'm so glad I started at 21 or whatever 22 I know and I could have started when I was 15 I was just waiting to get it kept being like I'll graduate and I'll start doing stand-up which I did but you're like I could have been doing it earlier well it's funny how the grass is greener because I had this fun life of like I worked at blockbuster and I was a waiter so I was like I had free food I was getting drunk at the place and I was watching movies all day because I worked at Blockbuster. Then I'd go to my dumb school called Southeastern, which is like a bullshit easy school in the

middle of nowhere, Louisiana. Getting laid, I was having fun, but I was looking, I would go to open mics at night and just watch and I go, wow, what would it be like to be that guy? And he was probably like some 41 year old guy with a drinking problem and maybe a pill problem and I was a 22 year old drinking and getting laid and having fun so he was probably like you're living the dream you're happy and I'm like I'd rather be you yeah boy life was full of regrets it's very strange these people are like I got no regrets and I'm like then you're a moron you have low intelligence yeah you didn't do anything

doesn't make any sense now that's crazy you shouldn't be consumed by regret that's bad sure you're like no regrets'm like, you haven't done a single thing you didn't want to do. You've never yelled at your kid or your dad or fucked a fat girl. Right. Like, what are you talking about? So stupid. They're a liar. There's nothing you could have done better. You did everything perfectly well. Yeah. Every meal was just vegetables and you never got hammered. You never threw up from drinking. Car crash. Do you why not the nest? Did he not that it's just like crazy.

But again, like I think people say that because they want to sound like, hey, no regrets. But I'm like, I'm happy in my life and I'm glad I'm where I am. Yeah. But I would certainly wish that I tried harder when I was 19. I would be doing even better. Yes, yes. Well, the regrets show that you've grown. Right, that's growth. Maybe he hasn't grown this guy. No growth. No growth? Impotent. That's another word for that. But boy, I mean, where were we at there, Rupee? Whoa! Oh, geez. All right. I've been to Mexico and back Ah, geez. So we'll we'll save that but it's not that crazy But I just got to say a lot of gays out there in Mexico the gay the Mexicans love

The dose gayos. Well, we're very big in the Latino community when I go to Houston or LA or That's pretty much it. It's Mexicans all over. There's something about us. We're spicy. We're spicy. Picante Caliente. Cause I think Mexican culture is a ball busty insult the jokey culture and we fit right into that and we got low self esteem and they're low to the ground and I would make fun of them and and they were like, ayayayayayay! Yeah, pistolas in the air, they loved being shit on. I go, boy, I guess it's a great place, but you got dilapidated buildings,

you could use some fucking Mexicans out here. Ah! You know, full mariachi band came out, the Maracas, it was great. The Latinos love us, and I've said this for 25 years, I come from a New England Irish family, everyone's Irish, the whole thing. Mexican and Irish, so similar. Very similar.

Big families, Catholic, like to drink, big units, always hanging out, blue collar, construction, cops. So true. It's very, very similar. That's why it's always funny to me when I'll meet New Englanders who are like, yeah, these Mexicans, I'm like, they're us. They're us. There's no difference. Yeah. It's like hardworking, blue collar, Catholic drinking families who just want to hang out with family and tell stories and drink beer and be cops. There you go. What's the difference? What's the difference? It's like no two groups that

are as similar as the Irish and Mexicans. I think you got something here. Yeah, but it's not funny. Maybe I can make it funny. Hey, fuck it, I boil my taco. I don't know what I did in Italian. Boil my taco is funny. Boil my taco, yeah, I guess. I had cactus over there.

You ate a cactus? We ate pancreas. Yeah, I had cactus in it. I ate a cactus? We ate pancreas. Yeah, I had cactus in it. I'll tell you when it comes out, you feel the cacti. Shay Louis. We ate pancreas. I got a quick thing. Can I tell you a quick thing?

Please. Because I want to hear the full Mexican story. Yeah, it needs 20. And that's going to need 20 minutes. I mean, we got two minutes left. I'm doing 20. Wait, so when do we record again? Next week?

Yeah. All right, we got to go straight into Mexico. We'll go right to the border. Oh, Mexico. It's open. Cause I got a quick tube. Speaking of open, I got a quick two minute thing. I want to get your feelings. I know your feelings, but I want to hear it from you. Hit me in the fields. Went to the open, the U S open, whatever day Thursday. And you know, Sarah was like, I'll come, we'll bring the baby. We can watch the infield. And then you look at the ticket prices, you're like, I'm not paying an extra 300 so you can watch on TV. Good point. And the baby. Yeah. So I go out

there and I go, I'm buying a nice ticket, Louis Armstrong stadium, new Orleans. I buy a ticket, you know, behind the baseline, expensive ticket, but nice. Go there. I like going to things by myself. I get my taco, my nachos, my burrito, my potato. I got all Mexican Irish. Yes. Walk down to my seat. It's like, I'm like Costanza. I just keep going and going and going. I got a very nice seat. I sit down. She's a BL. I got this guy. I have the aisle, which I love the aisle so I can piss whatever. Have the, have to put my feet out. He's in- Is this in Forest Hills? No, it's in Flushing.

Oh, Flushing, got it, got it. Used to be in Forest Hills. Gotcha. So he's in his seat like this, and the seats are narrower than this. He's got his elbow, he's on the phone like this. The match is going on. We're in like the fifth row.

He's like, yeah, so, we had a buy, I'm gonna sell, give me two, and two Rs, I'll go go to LPQ and get a bread, the cookie joint. And his elbow is taking up my seat. So I go, I got all my food. I go, Hey, uh, Hey, I'm here. And he goes, how's that? And I go, this is my seat. And I'm trying to be quiet and ducked. It's like actually going, I'm like, I'm just, this is my seat. And he goes, all right, yeah, you can sit here. And still the phone with whoever he goes, you can sit here. If you, if you share front, this guy loves fries, you gotta share those fries. Oh!

Which I wanna do as a bit, but I already did it with the pizza in the elevator guy. Right. I hate this sense of humor. You gotta give us some fries. I hate that. And I know I'm just doing a bit from my last special, but I'm like, how am I supposed to react to that? I know. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, exactly, exactly. Alright, so I just go like this, uh, no. Exactly. Exactly. All right. So I just go like this. No. Yeah. I go, Hey, this I try to yes and be fun. I go at these prices. No way. And he's like, all right, come on.

But he wants the fries. And also like I can sit here because it's my seat. Yes. Yes. Not just taking someone's seat. I don't like this. I'm the alpha. I'm giving I'm gracing you with this seat.

Now I paid for the fucking seat and the fries you chooch So then I sit down he hangs up the phone he goes fries looking good today this guy He might just eat your fries you look the other way and this guy's like Jerry. What are you doing? I don't want to be part of this. Oh, they do know each other friends. Okay He's like this guy with the fries and I go yeah the fries and then You have this thing where it's like now to him, I'm like an asshole. Like he's like, look at this fucking guy, this guy's not fun.

But I'm like, I'm just trying to watch tennis. I wanna sit here and watch tennis, eat my fries, and now I gotta be like, ho ho ho. And there's nothing I can do to win with this guy. No, no, and you wanna go, I'm way more fun than you, but you don't know because you've taken over with your bullshit fry joke Yeah, you just think the fry guy and he goes yeah, and he said something with the fries He go oh someone else walked down the aisle. You know I have to get up and he goes hey about those fry You gotta share the fries like you're just the fry guy. That's what your one bit

It's all you got and you don't want to give him too much because he'll never stop Right. So that's the other angle. So you got to make it clear and he thinks I'm special needs or whatever LPQ because I'm just sitting there by myself eating a burger You feel like a dork like nerd guy who's like But really and you want to be like, oh, there's Louis CK calling me But really, and you want to be like, Oh, there's Louis CK calling me, asking my opinions, but you can't do it. And you just want to be like, I'm on rogue. It's like the landlord. I know. I used to have that with women. I was single. They'd be like, so can I buy you a drink? She'd be like, ew. And I'm like, ew, look at these women. I fuck, fuck you.

Look at the TV show up and on. I'll kill you. But you gotta go, all right, whatever. And it's almost like you're Clark Kent. He's a he's got to go through life be the nerd be the fumbling guy with the glasses in the suit And then that night you're like, I'm crashing through your door whore exactly But then even then after the show they're like you're such a funny retarded nerd and you're like, anyways, I'm blowing this fat Take care. Go exactly. All right. We got wrap up. Rupert, did you record it? Yes! We got the audio? Alright, we'll call in. We had to call Dolby last week to get the sound fixed.

But, sure, we're fine. This is a classic. What's coming up? It's 918, is that what it is? I have no idea what day it is. Happy birthday! 41! Hey, I'll take it. Um, that's a lot of texts. Oh God. I'm scared to look. Oh my God. Salik you, Sarah, Chuck. Oh God.

He's giving us stuff we have to do. All right. Anyways, by the way, we're doing comedy Philadelphia, uh, September, October 3rd, fourth and, and 5th, Helium Philadelphia. Get those tickets. Those early shows will sell out. Hopefully we can sell out those late shows also. Come to that. Royal Oak, Michigan, October 17, 18, and 19. October 10th. My movie is premiering at Cinema Village East Cinema October 10th. We're gonna do a Q&A with Ron Bennington afterwards. Tom Dustin will be there. We're going to have Tom's name in lights. It's going to be exciting. October 10th, get those tickets on Punch-Up Live.

Hear, hear. And that's going to be fun. And of course, November 9th, the big one, Town Hall. You can get all these tickets on Punch-Up November 9th and recording, shooting a new special October 27th in Chi-Town at Zane. Oh, it's October 24th to the 26th Madison warming up I'm gonna do five shows at comedy on state warm up for that thing Beautiful and then the 27th will be the special so big big things coming a movie premiere a taping a new special

Madison town hall. It's a crazy couple months. So So please come out. My route. I can't afford it. Wow. Yeah. And join the Patriot. Please. Your agent must be blowing movie special. I mean what is this fourth special in four years. I mean this is unprecedented. It's exciting. There's no precedent. No precedent. I'm coming all over your face. I got Chicago theater with Larry David is co-headlining. That's coming up. I'm in Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Portland, Oregon. Doing some Dr. Phil stuff in December in Phoenix. MarkNormanGod.com, MarkNormanComedy.com. Go to Punch Up, check us out, give us a goog. Feel up your dead and yeah, I think that's it. Rupert, you want to plug something?

Get on the Patreon. Yeah, check out my podcast, Reviewing History. We watch movies based on true stories and we make a lot of gay jokes. Oh, I love that. That sounds right up my asshole. Right up my anal. All right, that was fun. George is saying, cut it.

We got work to do. Mark's going to catch a train. Thank you. God bless you. Comment. Peace. God bless you. God bless you. That was fun. Georgia saying cut it. We got work to do. Marks and catch a train. Thank you. God bless you. Comment.