Tuesdays with Stories! - #572 Mark's Sh*t-tastrophe!

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Nurse List helps young Dayton Bissett with some advice on a twisted ankle! Mark's lonely in Guadalajara! Joe gets accosted at a concert, and Mark has an ALL-TIME sh*t story at Sal Vulcano's party! It's a nightmare and this is Tuesdays!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 10% off your Jack Black order and freeshipping. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.getjackblack.com/TUESDAYS  - Fuel your best performance with Huel today! Try Huel with 15% OFFtoday using code TUESDAYS at https://my.huel.com/tuesdayssept24  - Support the show and try BlueChew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody! That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Ha! Here we are folks!

We are back, we did the bonus first, and now we're here, and now we're queer. I gotta tell you, I feel good. I feel like I stretched. And now we're going into the karate fight. Whoa, that hurts my feelings. Yes, so new thing, this is how we're gonna blow up the Patreon. I was hanging out with the Are You Garbage Boys.

They make $900,000 a minute. Toby. And I found out how you do it. Yeah. We're doing the Patreon before. In the old days, we did a long episode, we'd be a little drained, a little tired, we'd fuck each other in the ass, come on Chuck's back. Now. Lick it up. Then we do the Patreon. Now we're doing Patreon first and we just

did a hot one. Yeah, man. This was hot. You're missing out if you're not on it. Get on there now. And we just shot some stuff. Salacu shot some stuff with no sound. That's how he does it. That's his mark on it. He shot us at the stand. You, me, Soder, Karen, who else was there? Ronan? Eelara, I believe was there. We had to cut a lot of him out because of his behavior. But we had a lot of fun and Salakue said no microphones. He sent it to Lex. Lex is like, I can't hear a fucking thing. Yeah, yeah. So it'll be interesting. Salky said no microphones. He sent it to Lex Lex is like I can't hear a fucking thing. Yeah

So it'll be interesting. He used to do silent films. I don't know if you know that he did Buster Keaton and Chaplin You know what we should do this to be here. No, we should fucking dub it like an old Italian film Or go Asian We take the footage and then you and I just do a thing. We can do Karen's voice, we can do Soda's voice. I like it. We can also kind of a mystery science theater it where we go like, look, you are ugly, I'm gay, what's he wearing?

Oh, he's a fat piece of shit. Whatever. Now we got an idea. We're going to save, save my ass. We're going to save Salacuse's huge massive fuck up. Now I got to say this because he's going to be upset. I did ask him last minute, hey, you want to come by the stand? And he had already left the house without the microphone equipment. So don't everybody's message Salacuse and say Europe's shit. He

was already out of the house and he was kind enough to shoot us. But by a law of Mike Salacuse that you know how to sync up our periods are saying he's always like you gotta get out your love then send me the footage so it's just an extra step like you're the video guy you love it let's blow this patreon up because I need money cuz I got some big news are you ready I don't know if I am hold Hold on. All right. You're ready. Hit me, fatty. Well, I've been trying to move New Jersey, Maine, Washington, Florida, Germany, England. Yeah. Where are you going? Yeah, everywhere. Well, finally we landed an apartment. We went out. We got first apartment I look at. Open house. I go down there open house open Pussy lips sure flaps me Sarah the baby my sister-in-needs were in town I said we got to go look at this place you get a five-minute appointment to look at a place Wow

We get down there and we go in I look at it for three minutes I go this looks nice. We put a bit in going. All right, we won't get it. Whatever. Who gives a shit? Three days later, hello. You just won a brand new apartment and it's a beauty. We can't afford it. It got a rooftop, a gym, a doorman and we're right at the Statue of Liberty. We're inside the crown of the Statue of Liberty. Oh, Lipton. Yeah. We got a big twisty slide down to her toes and a little doggy door we slide out of. What the hell do you think persuaded the guy? What pushed him over the edge?

Because you got a nice Asian couple, you got to go Asian couple, they got a tax return ready. She can print that up right out of her ass. How did you do it? I name dropped. I threw every night. I told you on last week's episode,

I said I know Shane Gillis I know Kevin Hart Richard Pryor George Carlin slappy white Cosmo Kramer. Oh, yeah, cause we and I are twins Yeah, I threw everything. I know Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I said everything. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I cheated on my tax return I mean I did everything you can do. Wow, and we got in there Jerry Hey, and we just bid higher than everybody else is the real thing my tax return. I mean I did everything you can do. Wow. And we got in there Jerry. Hey. And we just bid higher than everybody else is the real thing. You're not gonna keep me out of Del Boca Vista. We're moving in lock stock. Lock stock and barrel. So we're going

and by the time this comes out we're a week away from moving and I'm 12 minutes from you. Yeehaw. Anyways we'll be down there and new place new you who knew me who dis it's so crazy You're leaving the city when I come into the I know it's fascinating how it all plays out You know, they say you can't write this stuff. I don't know if we could have written that now I think we probably could have yeah, maybe you're right. They're on Harry Potter. We would have read something better This is pretty good though. It's quite a twist I mean, I'm watching this shit not to change the anal here, but I'm watching this show, Outlast? I don't know Outlast, I know Outcast.

Yeah, and there's Everlast. Oh yeah, these things. This is a show about survival in the woods, could you do it? They give you a flint and a calculator and they go, good luck out there, and you're like, oh shit, everybody's caving and it's too cold and they get bitten by a mosquito.

I thought there were like 40 shows like that. This one's better. The cooking shows, the house shows, and the naked in the woods shows. Well I've pitched nine shows, I can't get a show on the air. We had Soup and Suds and the other one. No one wants to bite, no one nibbles, and then meanwhile someone goes, what about another show where two assholes are in the woods? Well that's the problem with the industry these days and why it's crumbling and the internet is winning

woo-wee! It's because they're just reproducing how many Hawkeyes and Marvel Man and Iron Dick. I mean how many are we gonna have? So they just, whoa this works put it out it's all business now and it's one of these but this one's different because you don't just have to survive, you have to make a team. And then your team goes, we hate Bill, Bill's gotta go. So they kick Bill out and if Bill can't find another person to take him in, he's out. Interesting, so it's like Survivor. So it's like Survivor and the twists and turns in the show, you're like,

oh my God, this is like Shakespearean level, like deceptiveness and infighting and lying and what they do to get in and how they get into another team they go, I've changed, I'm fucked up. They're so desperate and cold and hungry so it really shows the full range of human emotion. It's fascinating. Wow, okay. See I never trust these shows because I've been on reality shows and I know that they're like let's get another take of that, let let's get this angle so it's hard to trust that it's real does it feel real it feels completely real and I can't even

remember now why I brought it up hmm outlast out last you're changing the subject I'm out of the closet we were talking apartment and movie something couldn't write this stuff yes yeah that's what it is that would thank you wow you got it back. You could write it, because some of the twists and turns, you're like, oh, it's so great. This is happening naturally, because this is better than any TV show that's written.

Interesting. All the stuff that's just happening on the show is so well thought out. It's like a great story arc, and then it has a callback. And you're like, it's all natural. It's just happening. Stranger than fiction. Aha.

Good movie. Will Ferrell. Somethinganger than fiction. Aha, good movie. Will Ferrell. Something else I was gonna say about the surviving. Sorry, I took a left turn with a survival of shows. No, but I was thinking about the survival TV. And also, I also wonder if we're, we're so up our own ass with the phones and the screens and the two girls, one cup, that if we're like,

we kind of crave this wood it's like in our nature like oh he's eating on a squirrel with his hands you know it brings you back yeah I can't well that's why I'm moving down this neighborhood because it's grass everywhere it's grass and playgrounds and the river that's big water Jerry I need water that's what the kids say touch grass right which is ironic it's coming from them because they're the most you know phone obsessed queefs in the biz I can't wait this big parks and monuments and memorials and grass and water and I'm very trees Trees love trees got to love the tree

Oh, I had something along these lines that I wanted to say Fluid I've ate your ass. I screwed the pooch. No, no. Tommy Pooch, best agent in the sky. I got a, oh! Oh, wait, it almost came back. Oh, here we go. Coming back, the apartment, the Asian.

It was about somebody. Name drop. We were gonna record there, probably. Yeah, but no, what was about survival shows? Oh, survival show. They're out in the woods. They have to connect. They have to to grovel they have to make friends. There's in fighting afraid. Oh friends survivor It was something like that. I was on TV reality shows He gets kicked out if they don't like them something and there's no commercials, which is the mirror on survivor. They're like

you know, they'd go to commercial and then it'd be like Jack just letting you know what happened 10 seconds ago. We're back, we're survived, you know, they would always have to do a recap after the commercial. I'm so close to thinking of it, I can't do it. Survivor. Survivor. I'm looking at you, like you're gonna tell me, water, you going?

I'll take an ice water. I'll take a water, tap, no ice, no lid. Oh, that was a good one. There you go. Mark Burnett did survive. He did Survivor, he did Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and he did another, he would just steal shows from England and bring them over here, and now he's a zillionaire. That's smart.

Sometimes, I have a weird thing mentally, I gotta sneeze, I think. Please. Oh god, I'm nervous. I went to two Pearl Jam shows with Canter, he's got COVID. Oh. So we were yelling at each other's ears, we were hugging, we were kissing,

the sneeze went away, that's fun. COVID, oh, maybe you don't have it. COVID, I have zero fear for now. If you're like, oh, I got COVID, you should be like, oh, you got COVID, what are you doing here? You're gonna ruin everything, oh fuck, you're gonna infest the whole town,

and now I'm like, all right, maybe I'll get it. Well, but it's still not fun. Sure, sure. I had it a year ago, and like I said, I went to the hospital over the newborn. I was in the maternity ward picking up babies and kissing them. Nobody gave a shit. But it still sucks.

Yeah. COVID is still a bummer. People are like, it's a cold. It's just a cold. But I'm like, well, cold's not fun. Cold sucks. Yeah. I got the sniffles.

My head hurt. Like, I have a pounding headache when I have COVID. I have a lingering cough. It's like, don't act like COVID's a good time. Not you. No, no, no. I have a lingering cough. It's like don't act like COVID's like a good time Like who cares it's a cult but I'm like, yeah, it's a bummer. It's a bummer I got three-week cold stubbing your toe is a bummer. I don't do any of it I still my toe this morning. This is why you got a trip your toenails every few days months Whatever. I kicked it my toenail cracked what chipped off

And then it's got like a half crack, because I haven't cut it in a while. I gotta see that later. Oh, I'll show it to you. It's purple and blue. Look at the head of my cock. How bad did you hit it? Well, it was the middle of the night, the baby has a sleep progression, so I just went

boom! And you go, ahhh! You kicked the baby? It's like 3am, I wish. I just hit the door, and the door rattled like... Whoa! Yeah, it cracked in half, and then I the door and the door rattled like that. Whoa! Yeah, it cracked in half and then I played with the crack off for a while. Oh, that's fun.

Crack off. I think that was the Auschwitz's there. Release the crack off, yeah. But it's, it, it shit hurts so bad. You know when you have the, you stub your toe like that, it's, you have a zilla milla quilla second before the pain hits you. You go, this is gonna hurt. And then, there it is. There it is.

Louder. There it is. It's like that with the baby, he'll smash his head off a window and then he's like this. Yeah. It's like a full second of like. They do that. And then you're like, maybe he's okay.

And then, no, he's not. It's like a news delay where they go, we're gonna go to Bob on the scene. Oh hey, I'm out here. It's always a second. Yes. We haven't gotten past that, by the way. We have all that we can channel in and pipe into Mars on a Zoom,

but we can't get over that one second delay. I think now there's no delay. I haven't watched the news in a minute, but I don't think there's a delay. I think I'm still seeing delays out there. Maybe there's a delay. Maybe it's a half a cut hair shorter, but's there's a delay. Well Chuck was delayed 48 minutes today so. That's true maybe we'll cancel that flight. The delay I keep forgetting what I was

gonna say. Boy it's good to see I was lonely out on the road there. Yeah yeah that's a tough spot when you're on an OKC you're right in the middle of the earth and you need a pal. Well, Oklahoma City, and I know you got a lot because we tease Mexico and then I heard a story about you that I'm dying to hear. So yeah, it's not good. Really? Pretty. Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. Should I be worried? Oh, come on. What are you doing to me? No, we talked about it earlier. The poo. Oh yeah. I gotta hear about the poo. That's not bad at all. I gotta get the poo scoop and Mexico scoops.

Poop. But, uh. Pooper scooper. Some Mexicans scoop poo. They take the jobs that, you know, whatever we don't want. Oh, sure, sure, sure, yeah. But anyways, Oklahoma City, real quick, I just gotta blast through it. Please.

Front city. I've never been there before in my whole life. Blasted by fate. Really? Yeah. Major city. Been to Oklahoma. Never been to OKC. Well, there was no club there for most of our existence. What are you a Tulsa man? I never did Tulsa either. I just did that one casino gig. Oh, yeah. Well, that counts as Tulsa. Yeah, it wasn't Tulsa though. It was Oklahoma

something. I see. Burial ground or whatever the fuck you call it. Oh, we did a casino together. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Thank you. What town was that? call it. Oh, we did a casino together. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Thank you. What town was that? Thank you. No, we did the casino together in Arizona or New Mexico, Albuquerque. Albuquerque. We did Albuquerque together.

Take a left at Albuquerque. That was fun. And my grandmother died and my wallet's gone. Newman died? My grandma's gone. Anyways, Oklahoma City, never been there. Cool city, I liked it. Brick town is nice. Cool city. Lot of brick, lot of red. I'm a fan. There's a baseball park there, and I went to the OK State game. OK State!

Oklahoma State football game. What a blast. Went to double overtime. Two years in a row. Been to great college football games. Brought old Dayton Bissett down there. He's a young boy. Did he give a shit? Yeah, he's from Oklahoma, so he pretended to like it or whatever I think. Yeah, that's what they do. It does feel like he's my son. Like I'm walking around and this is like, remember when you were kids, you'd be like, and, and in the two thousands, I'd be like, and I'll have a large coffee and a cupcake for my boyfriend. It'd be like, ha ha ha. Now they're just like, oh, that's your boyfriend. Yeah, good point. I'm like that with Dayton.

I'm like, and whatever my son wants. And they're like, oh, he's your son. That's great. Right, right. I'm 42 and he's 11. Yeah. So it makes sense. He's a cute little kid.

He looks like a central casting, booked a little kid for a make-a-wish. Like, oh, he's retarded. He needs a change. But he's cute. But women are into him. Oh yeah. Because he's a thing. He's a fetish He's like a special needs boy, you know who shits himself. Yeah, he's a Down syndrome twink He's like a hayseed with blonde hair. He's like a surfer hayseed. He's a DST. Yeah, and he's funny, too

Yeah, he kills. Hey wrote a book. I think my wife might want to bang him and show him the show him the ropes Something's up there. I got you live. Well, he's like book. I think my wife might want to bang him and show him the ropes. Something's up there. I can feel the vibe. Well, he's like a babysitter porn. Like, oh, what are you doing with your tits out, ma'am? I wonder if he fucks well. No. Can't imagine. What are you getting? Well, by the way, he weighs about 111 pounds as a kid. Look him up. Dayton Bissett. Or Bissett is how he says his name.

But I'm just going to keep saying Bissett because Bissett's gay. I don't like it. Sounds like a cookie. I don't want to say his name at all. But even, so what happened? So we're out walking, we meet up, we're walking down the stairs, he sprains his ankle, like eight minutes into the first thing.

What is he, my grandpa? That's what I said, he's never drank a glass of milk in his life, he weighs 80 pounds. And his foot is like blue, but I feel bad, because you know, we're crafty old comedy vets. I've been on The Tonight Show and Letterman 48 years ago never heard of him. So he's like he's like, you know holding my hand like where we going papa And I'm like, well, you gotta get off that your foot is broken. Yeah, he's like no No, I can do it. So he just limped around for days Wow poor guy. She give him a red balloon. It would have flown

I bring him to the football game and I'm like, hey, we're gonna have to park a mile away, you should probably not come. And he's like, oh no, I'm fine. Literally his toes are curled up, they point in different directions, bright purple. Well, I respect the trooper. Oh, he trooped, baby. Trooper scooper.

But football game was great and fun and the shows were all killer, except Late Show Saturday. We filmed it and this is the drunkest, rowdiest, most retarded group of people I've ever been around. They get after it. And yeah, I did volunteer work so this this was really bad and I might release it on YouTube like drunkest, dumbest crap. Really? Oh, I watch that. That'll blow up. It was crazy. There was a Lebanese guy in the front. I thought he was like, I literally was like, are you Sacha Baron Cohen doing a up. It was crazy, there was a Lebanese guy in the front. I thought he was like, I literally was like,

are you Sacha Baron Cohen doing a character? He was like, Lebanon, I don't know what goes on here. Lebanon, I'm from Lebanon. And then there's a blind guy just raising his hand and yelling out that he's blind. I know that guy. Really? He goes to all the shows at OKC.

He's got a 12 foot stick, he has the longest stick in history. What is he, black? Um, everything he sees is black. That's true. And then another guy started heckling him and people were yelling out over there. It was a fucking shit fest. It was boo. Wow, yeah they booze out there in OKC and you forget about those old drunk crowds. I mean that was the first 20 years of comedy. Well that was the thing is you know because I'm selling some tickets now

it's exciting. Thanks for everyone that keeps coming out. And by the way, I've got some Starbucks and Chipotle gift cards. Thank you. My new apartment is a Chipotle at the bottom of the steps. Woo, that's lunch. So I'm going to be all over that Chipotle. So thank you for all the people bringing nice gifts.

It's very sweet. All over that shuffleboard court. We appreciate it. But I lost my train of thought. The Lebanese guy, the blind guy with the long stick, the drunk crowd. Drunk. Doing it for 20 years.

Oh, so I've been selling some tickets. So now I go to Oklahoma City, never been to this market ever. So the tickets are like low, nice, but low. Sure. So I haven't done shows like this in a long time where they're like, we have 80 for the first show, 110 for the second show, 105 for the next show, 110 for the second show, 105 for the next show, 70 for the next show.

It's quite fun to do a show for 80 people, 70 people. You haven't done that in a while. It's really fun, because it feels intimate and nice. Obviously I'd rather have it be sold out and make the money, but you're like, this is kind of fun. It's kind of fun. And all weekend I was like, I haven't had this feeling in a while,

but I also haven't had this feeling in a while. Late show, 30 fans and 50 drunk idiots going, who's this motherfucker? Psh, psh, psh. Right, right. And boy, it was monkeys throwing shit, as Jerry said. Man, did you make a meal out of it? Did you shuck and jive or did you snap?

I didn't snap, but I was, I think I was furious. I just plowed through. You haven't felt with it for a while, and after a while you're like, this sucks. And I feel bad because I didn't do a meet and greet, and a few people messaged me and they're like, I understand, but we were hoping to meet and I feel bad. But you don't want to go out because there's so many fucking idiots out there.

You can't face them. Because it's one thing to be on stage where you can go, look at this, Retar, shut the fuck up. But now in the face-to-face you've got to go, yeah, it's okay, I get it. And they're spitting on you, can go look at this Rita shut the fuck up but now in the face-to-face you gotta go yeah it's okay I get it and they're spitting on you they're screaming at you it's not worth it. And you get people that are like I was the guy that yelled out you suck and they're like oh nice thank you. Exactly. But overall great weekend great town the football game was fucking awesome so much fun I put together a video that'll be on YouTube. Oh it's already on YouTube.

Would you play? What? You play in the game? No I just yelled made fun that'll be on YouTube. Ooh. Or probably it's already on YouTube. Would you play? What? You playin' the game? No, I just yelled and made fun of people. Oh, okay, good. But yeah, Dayton Bissett, check him out. He wrote a book. He sold $1,300 worth of books.

He cleans up on that book. It's like the Koran. He made more than me, I'll tell you that. But yeah, great, great weekend. Now take me down south of the border. I'm dying to hear about Mexico. Well, you know, one thing, let me just say about OKC, that club, they've got a great system where in the green room, you flip the light and the waiter comes. Yes. Then you flip the light off.

No bother. Now I noticed something else. Brilliant. Now I don't know when this happened. Maybe it happened because of you. I don't know what goes on. Shit. The waitress won't enter the room. I don't know what goes on. Uh, shit. The waitress won't enter the room. It's like, feel the dreams down there. It's like, uh, like she won't step over the thing. Like you order food and like, this is the entrance. They're like this, here's your nuggets.

And you're like, what? Yeah. I'm like, somebody must have fucking shot somebody or beat somebody up or I don't know what the hell goes on. There was very strange the whole weekend. Even a waiter, even the men, they just lean around and they're like, here's your meal. Wow, they must have got yelled at by Eddie Griffin or something. Yeah, I was like. Bitch, don't get your ass out of here.

Exactly, I was like, what's going on here? Interesting. It was very strange. Nobody would enter the room. I'm like, did they have, yeah, I was gonna name a couple people too that are high falutin, but I don't wanna name names, but you're like. Wow. I don't know, it was very strange. It's too that are highfalutin, but I don't wanna name names. But you're like. Wow. I don't know, it was very strange.

It's like a vampire, you gotta invite them in. Cause I noticed the first night and I was like, what's going on here? I'm gonna text Adam and be like, what's going on down there with the wait staff? Interesting. Maybe they hate us, maybe they're afraid of us. No, I think they got chewed out and something happened.

That's what I think, I think you're right. I think someone was like, get the fuck out of here. Cause I've had that before where people get too comfy the sound guy. Yeah Yes, I've had that but these people were just throwing the the food in there. But anyways I don't want to say too much But I did a weekend not too long ago at a club and I got too chummy waitress sat down Hitting the vape and then she goes how how about a guest set? And I was like, whoa mama, how did we get here? What, you wanna be in my wedding too?

Like your guest set? So of course I'm sitting two feet away from her, I'm like, okay. And everything in my, I go up to the manager after, I was like, she any good? He goes, amazing, she's amazing. And then I go, is she really amazing? Or is this like your friend amazing? And he goes, amazing. And then I go, is she really amazing or is this like your friend amazing?

And he goes, amazing. Not one laugh. Not one tea heat, not a chuckle, nothing. To where the audience is like, you know what the audience is so confused? Who is this? What happened? What is that with the amazing? Don't give me amazing.

Go pretty good, pretty good. Richard Pryor, okay, amazing. But is she as good as Richard Pryor? Then don't say amazing. Right. Hate amazing. No, I don't care for that at all. By the way, women, this is the advantage for women. A woman asks me something, I'm doing it. I completely agree. If you want, ladies, if you want a guest spot, MC feature, if you want to close the show,

just go, hey, can I do it want to close the show, just go, hey, can I do it? Just twist the hair around with a little bow and a tit out and go, can I maybe rub your tit? You want my paycheck? It's yours. Yeah, take it. That's why I always say, if I was a woman,

I would get fucked by every fat loser dweeb, piece of shit podcast producer in the planet. Because I'd be like, okay, I can't say no. I would fuck every guy. Thank God I'm not a woman. No, me too. I would love to fuck men, suck them off, have them come on my back.

It's really something I'd like to do. It seems so warm. Yeah, just a hot load on my back. Or ass cheek would be nice. Or the back of my throat. Hey. Now I'm gonna try to, I'm gonna blow through a lot of this because I've

condensed it all down to just the, I've taken out all the nuts in the trail mix. We're going M and M's. Oh my God. That's my go-to candy at the movie theater. Hey, here we go. Good, good rapper. Hey, hey, M and M. Oh, I've heard of them. Yeah, white guy. Folks, this week's episode is brought to you by Jack Black. Why are body care products marketed to women so nice while men are stuck with the most boring stuff? I've always wanted that myself. It is nonsense. I want the goods.

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complete meals in minutes so you can focus on what really matters in your life. Get the Huel. All right, so basically the bottom line is me and the lady went to Mexico City for New Year's. It was like a fun little present. Hey, we're going to Mexico City. I fell in love with it.

It's such a cool place. And I got a million, Tuesday. It's all pipes. And it's Mexican saying it, till they're like, Tuesday. It's all pipes. It's all pipes, so. Barters. Yeah, exactly.

So I'm like, I got to call the agent. Book me a gig in Mexico City, because I'm getting, I gotta call the agent. Book me a gig in Mexico City because I'm getting recognized all day long down here. And he goes, all right, we'll try it. You know, you make no money, the gigs are weird, but fuck it. You get to go back to Mexico City, cuidad. So I go, great. He goes, you're selling pretty well. Let's add a, let's try some other markets. What about Guadalajara? I go, I like it, let's go to Guadalajara. Wow.

So we do some shows, we set it up. I fly into Guadalajara, by the way, Guadalajara, that's Mexico. Rocky Guadalajara picture show. Hey, I'll take it. As a stretch. I'll take it. Jack, you like that?

I'll take it. Okay, good luck with that title on the YouTube. Let's give it a mile long. So that? I'll take it. Okay. Okay. Good luck with that title on the YouTube. Let's give it a mile long. So we go to Guadalajara. You know, Mexico City's got some honky gentrification, some palm trees. Guadalajara, this is like you land and you're in a cockfight. You're like, whoa, shit, there's a fucking bird pecking at me.

I mean, it's where Mariachi's from, Tequila's from there, all the shit is from Guadalajara. It'd be like dropping a Mexican in Kentucky, and he's like, whoa, there's Trump flags and guns and hot dogs. Right. It's Mexico. Guadalajara, fun to say. It is, a lot of A's in there and a couple of J's.

So, Guadalajara, I do a show there, and it was good, good crowd. Nice. I had the guy opening, he's like the Mexican, he's the Mexican guy. George Lopez? Eh, less than him, but he still lives there. He barely speaks English, he's got long hair,

he used to open for Louie. Oh, no kidding. When Louie comes back, he's like, give him this guy. I wish I could think of his name. Funny dude, he's got long hair down to here, and quiet, quiet, just sits there. And I go, you all right, man? He's like, I am a little nervous. I'm doing show in English. That's not my normal way, you know? And I'm like, ah, it'll be fine. Goes out there, kills

super brilliant stuff where you're like, whoa, who's this guy? And he's doing it in English. We gotta plug his name in somewhere. I know. I'll, I'll. Jose Juan. It was a, it was a Mexican name. Pepe. Cool dude.

Shy as a son of a bitch. Couldn't get a word out of him, but sweet guy. But when he, he got a huge pop when he went out there. They were like, oh shit, Jose Carlos Estevez Salmahayek is here Esteban yeah I think it was Carlos Roberto I think it might have been Carlos Carlos we got Carlos is the first name so put Carlos long hair big in Mexico. Jose and Hosebee. First time I heard that joke. That's good. On the floor.

That's good. On the floor. I was seven years old. The seas parted, the clouds stopped raining. My cousin said, they got Jose and Hosebee over there. Love it. Carlos Ballarda? No, that's an American guy, isn't it?

Didn't hit me in the tits. It's all Spanish, these podcasts. Does he have long hair. It didn't hit me in the tits. It's all it's all it's all Spanish these podcasts Does he have long hair? Uh, I'm talking he does have long hair. All right, we'll go with that. He has a goatee and a mustache. Yeah Igro. Yes, Cleveland Indians. That's it So he kills I go up and they're just like rooting tooting pistolas in the air. Yeehaw killer crowd Leave there fly out By the way, Guadalajara Airport is like, it's like

a fucking Greyhound station. It's crazy. I'm picturing they start the plane by grabbing the propeller and spinning it like, that's right. Yeah, you get on the plane, you're like, what am I? And yeah, that's him. Wow. Yeah, funny guy, cool guy, really a killer comic. He looks like Carly's boy from Metallica. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, cool dude. So we talked comedy a little bit and I got on the

plane to go from Guadalajara to Mexico City like an hour flight I had a next to me was a mariachi and the other side was a cage of chickens I was like all right great so fly to Mexico City now we're in the big time. It's basically like going from Cleveland to New York. So now we're in the big time, two shows, got just two sold out shows, hot crowd, great town, I get off stage and you're a little lonely. Because I've had a couple days in Mexico. I'm always lonely.

Yeah, and it's another culture, it's another land, it's another country. So I'm walking out, I had a couple of pops at the show, walking out and this guy runs up to me and he goes, hey, white guy. And you're kind of like, oh, gringo, hey, we speak the same language. This is nice. And he's like, I was at the show, I own a bar, why don't you come have a drink with me? And I'm like, great, I got nothing to do. Go hang out with this guy, we're sitting at his bar,

right on the strip in Mexico City. And I go, what the hell, how do you have this? And he goes, he's like 25. I'm like, what are you doing here? He's like, I'm from Berkeley, California sucks. I moved here during COVID, I didn't speak the language. I opened a bar and now I live here and I'm never going back. Wow! I'm always inspired by these guys. Me too! I want to be one of these

dropout people. Yes! I'm in Oahu and I go, yeah, I braid hair and I make huts out of cum and I just live on the beach. I know people who've never left New Orleans, who I grew up with. They've never gotten on a flight this guy is Like I'm going to another country, and I'll start a fucking business without knowing the language I'm the only one in my family with a passport Move to Mexico and do a business. I was like I was like if I was a gay woman I would blow you all night. I mean this is so impressive what you've done. He's like yeah, what are you gonna? Do and I'm like wow wow this is crazy. He's got employees. he's like yeah what are you gonna do and I'm like wow this is crazy he's got employees he's like Rodrigo and he's like oh yes boss you know he's got like employees doing work for it's crazy

God I want employees I have them but I act like I'm their employee right I got a manager an agent and a chuck and I'm like is this okay would it be would you mind if we did a little earlier I'm'm sorry How do we pay him so much? Terrifying yeah, so manager. I'm like maybe I could do a comedy special if you don't mind sir Yes, can I send you 10% of all my money exactly take 11? Yeah, 9-eleven so That was cool, and then he was he I had a flight the next day So he was like you want, let's get real fucked up. And I was like, I gotta go.

Then I got 900 texts from him, or emails. I got some blow, you miss it out, we're at the club. And it was just like, tch, I'm eating her out, I'm in her ass, I'm fucking her dad, you know. I'm like, all right, I'm glad I didn't go out with a guy. That would have been a whole thing. But we just had a great time, and and boy what a special place Mexico City is it feels like America if you took a lot

Of the rules away and that hurts you because now you have no housing regulations So you can not have plumbing, but you're also just like free. I was like I have a beer out here He's like yeah, get the fuck out of here. It's Mexico City, get a beer out there. Well, it sounds like a red state city. I guess. That's how it feels, Texas, Florida, these places, you can just smoke indoors, and it's nice. Yeah. But sometimes you're like, ah, I'm a little nervous.

Everyone's got a gun. You can just shoot me. Yes. But also, I can smoke indoors and say retard. Yeah, that part is nice. The retard stuff, I had a lady helping me. She was the tour manager lady they hooked me up with. And she was super cool. She had armpit hair, and she was triple binary,

or triple bypass, whatever it is. And I was like, what's her name? She was like, oh, it's they, it's they. And I was like, oh, sorry, sorry. But she wasn't cunty about it. She was like, oh, it's they. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, don't cancel it. She was like, nah, I don't care. How would you know it. She was like, oh, it's they. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. Don't cancel it.

She was like, nah, I don't care. How would you know? And I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice. And then I was like, this guy's retarded. Ooh. And she was like, no, he is retardo. And I'm like, OK, this is great.

It's just less of that weird Orwellian, whatever you want to call that, that overlord, hey, don't say that. Hey, there's rules there. They don't have any of that. Like on stage it was never like, should I say this? It was just like, fuck it. And Mexicans are so great with comedy because they love hard jokes and they love being shit on.

Right. I would walk out there and I'd go, this place is great. It's weird, but there's a lot of dilapidated buildings. You know what you could use is some fucking Mexicans. Ah, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay Mexicans. They're throwing ponchos at me and chicklets and shit. It was great. So I made an eight home depot joke. Which I didn't even know they would get because that's an American thing but they got everything. Casa Depot.

That's the one. So that was Mexico. So I flew home and it was a treat. Then I fly back on a Sunday. You land at like eight at night, it's a whole different world over there. It's mountain time over there. Mexico City's high up. Yeah, there are baroas. It's clean, great air.

So you get back and then Sal Volcano, I get a text, we're out in Montauk, we got a house, we're on the beach, we got a great crew, we'd love to have you and the wife. And your first thought is, that sounds nice but that's a thing. Right. You gotta do a thing. I just got back from another country, I'm drunk, I'm hungover, I have dysentery from Mexican food. I had the same thought, I'm like, what's the bed look like? You want to be like, that's why it's nice to have an agent. You want to have an agent for social hangs.

Oh, hey. You want Sal to reach out and my agent, yeah, my agent goes, Sal wants you to stay at his house. This is big. Here's what your bed looks like. This is big. Here's what the stairwell looks like. Here's the temperature of the water.

Here's who's going to be it. Cause it's rude to ask who's going to be there. Of course, of course. And then I'm like, I don't know what's going on there. And then it turns out it's fucking you and Katie and Becky own and May and the other guy and Ari. I thought it was gonna be me and Sal playing chess. This is one of your one of your big ones right here fatty. Well, I was busy. It wasn't like I said no. I had my parent, my sister. This idea. No, no. This idea. Oh, oh, oh, oh, like the idea. This idea is money in the bank. Oh, I thought you were like, you fucked up.

But I'm like, I was in Oklahoma City, I had family, but I'm sad to have missed it. Yeah, and I, so I get back, you know, you rode hard, put away wet, and you drop your suitcase, and you brush that Mexico off you, you know, to climb a wall. And she was like, what? That sounds, let's go. And I'm like, what are you kidding? She's like, well, I had to miss Mexico cuz I'm pregnant. I want to do it and I was like, alright fine. We'll do it

so then we wake up the next day we do a pod and Go straight to Montauk. Yeah, how was it? Tell me about it. Take me through. Well, here's the thing I've done these Martha's Vineyard things with her family and I've done stuff with my family and you go with certain friends who aren't comics And it's never exactly relaxing. You're out there with people you don't really know, you're kind of on, you don't want to say the N-word around certain people so you're kind of like, alright, you don't get too drunk, you don't want to do drugs, whatever it is, you go to this thing, you pull up, Ari throws you a mushroom cap, Katie Hannigan starts eating your ass and

you're like, this is great, this know, eating your ass and you're like, this is great, this is more my speed. Right. And you're shitting on comics together, you're talking about comedy clubs, what specials you like, jokes you're working on, what, so it's your people. And as we get older, you see each other less. That's true. Now, even I look at the stand lineup, I'm like, all right, I got Soder, I got Fian, I got Mark, this is gonna be great, and then everyone's running to other spots. True that. Yeah, it's frustrating. So we get there and it's just goddamn glorious that's on a cloud this guy, every day was pitch perfect,

and I show up and here's the thing, they've been there three days. I'm showing up on the third day, which is a little awkward. It is, because they've established, they know the shower routine, they know where they're staying, they have the inside jokes. Yes, there's an ecosystem and now I'm infiltrating. Right. So that part was we just walk up, they're all in the pool, they're like laid out, it's 3 p.m., Ari's got a beer, everybody's, they're playing beer pong,

one guy's cutting up a watermelon, they're living the dream and you kind of have to, you kind of slide back in and just make it work and then just go, I won't get in the pool. So you show up and it was fine. And then you cook dinner together every night. You smoke weed, you're drinking, you have the big communal dinner with no phones. We're all just howling, laughing, telling stories over the big lasagna. Past the salad, man, then we watched Dumb and Dumber.

We made a fire, she touched my leg. Great time. Okay, kill him. Why would I do that big dinner at the bachelor party. That was the most... Oh, I forgot about that. Oh, that was awesome. De Rosa was on fire. Legendary. That was fun. That was fun. And Burt was asleep. Everything was working out. So yeah, that was a great time. Those dinners were really the highlight. And then Ari, Ari's a pyromaniac Jew.

I mean, he just loves ashes. He loves going out there and he's got the logs and he's got the big tongs and he's moving them and he's like, gotta make a... TP. A TP or whatever, Charmin. And it was just so good. We did s'mores, Jerry. Oh, you want s'more? It is interesting too. This is going to get a s'mores, Jerry. Oh, you want s'more? It is interesting too, and this is gonna get a little dicey, but. Oh boy. There was four men and four women,

and the weird natural progression of the split, it's very primal. Right. They tend to go right to that kitchen, and the guys are like building a fire, or fixing something, you you know and it's just fascinating how that happens. I know it happens especially when you have a kid you're like all right I'm off to work and you're like all right I'm gonna change the diaper and you're like okay

I'll be back. Yes. It's funny how that goes. Kind of interesting and we fight it tooth and nail but you know it is what it is. Right. kicks in, which is why I like my wife because we were all in the pool like dicking around and she's like, should I be nesting? You know, should I be chopping a vegetable? Cause they're all in there and she's out with us. I was like, ah, you're one of us. She's a comic, that's the difference.

I get it, so is Hannigan. Oh, Hannigan was inside. Yeah, yeah, She's a comic. So yeah, just interesting. Interesting. But now here's the clinker. Clink it up. Great. Everything's going great. You know, you, you got your coffee brewing. Now I have been doing copious amounts of drugs, a lot of alcohol, and I'm coming off of a Mexico city trip, right? Which is street tacos, you know, kids and Yara, whatever it is. And I'm coming off of a Mexico City trip, right? Which is street tacos, you know, quinceanera, whatever it is. And I'm a rumbling. So the shit situation, tell,

talk to your agent, the social agent about this, right? Cause the shit situation is, is a, is a whopper. So I go, boy, I've been, uh, been hitting pretty hard lately. We had a big lasagna dinner. Percolating. Thank you. I got a turtle head. I got a cigar cut ready to go. So I'm like, all right, everybody's outside. The ladies are gardening. Gary's finger painting. I'm gonna really make a meal out of this dump. So I get in there and there's like, there's like a, you know, there's like two main bathrooms and then the little guy it was a half bath half bath half a tarred half bath and I go whoo he closed the door get the phone out really just speaking of dumb

and dumber you know I had a full-on pour and you wipe your ass you look at it you go Jesus Christ that's horrifying. You hit the flush, clog. All right, we gotta clog, I've been here before. I'm a pro. No big deal, I wear clogs. Yes, yes. So I go, all right, we gotta clog.

I've done this before, I'll be flushing again. Okay, still clogged. You know what, I'm a pro. I go out, you know,dle cuz you know you got shit in your your pants sure you waddle I go to the closet Plunger damn I'm good get the plunger waddle back in check it. They're still outside playing cards Huh nothing now the plunger is covered in, the walls are covered in shit because I've been splashing everywhere. I'm like, well, let me try to flush again. Now it's up to here and it's right at the rim job. It's the meniscus and you got those turds just circling the bowl like sharks in the Atlantic. And you're like, God damn, that water is pitch

black. There's corn and nuts and all kinds of shit and there's paper. And you go, well, this is not good. So now I wait for it to go down. I've been in the bathroom. You know, when you're in a bathroom, there's a shot clock. A hundred percent. Cause you don't want people knowing you're shitting. Right. Exactly. So, and I'm the new guy. I'm the new guy at the house. Everything's been going great. Then I show up and I fuck it all up Well, whatever right so I'm like I can do this I can do this You're doing a lot of praying to God a lot of soul-searching. I get goes down. I plunge again

Nothing, and I'm plunging. It's making these crazy noises and like gurgling and I'm like I've never seen this and now now Where there's they were in the red so I take the lid off seen this. Now we're in the red, so I take the lid off. Whatever you got to take the lid off the back of that puppy, you are in trouble. It's scary. There's only two things you can pull on. There's the chain and the other thing. You just kind of open things and move things. So I go, I heard in a movie once in the 40s that you got to dump a bunch of water in there. So now I waddle my fat ass up to the kitchen, get a big old bucket or a pot. I go all the way back down. I'm in the sink. I'm pouring water in the big tank. Nothing.

But the gurgles, the sound, I've never heard these gurgles from the bowels of hell. I don't know what's going on. So now I go, let me see what else is going on out there. I go to the other bathroom. The water pitch black. Interesting. Wait, wait, why is this toilet pitch black? Did someone else shit in here and then run away? That's kind of fucked up. At least I'm trying to handle it. Right. So then I go, oh that's weird, so let me go back to my toilet, see if it's gone down. It's gone down a little, keep plunging, keep pouring water, and keep pouring water, and huh, let me check the other toilet. Now I go back to the other bathroom, the tub full of shit water.

The tub? The tub is full of shit water. Oh my god. It looks like a horror movie, like The Exorcist or The Ring or something. It feels like the lady's going to come out of there and go, ah, I'm a shit bitch or whatever. So I'm like, what the hell is going on? So I'm like an hour and 10 minutes

into this. I'd call the cops if I were you. People are texting me, okay, where are you? What's going on? We put out a missing persons. So I go, what the fuck? So I just, I wipe my ass again. I throw the paper right on top of that landfill and I go outside and I go, guys, I gotta come clean. Not only did I clog the toilet, I've been plunging for an hour and a half, the other toilet is now black and the tub is full of Katrina's shit water from the Hades. And they're like, wait, why? What's going on? And Sal Vulcano is such a sweet guy and his wife is very nice, but she's like

a neat freak. So she's like a neat freak so she's like well he's got OCD too oh he does I think he talked about in our podcast oh okay 10 years ago every like every meal we'd have she'd immediately start cleaning every like if somebody spilled something she was on her knees is getting down there right so she was like whoa what what what's going on and I'm like I clogged the first toilet and I think somebody shit up the other one but now the tub is full of shit and she was like What she couldn't she was like malfunctioning and what kind of house is this? This is like a trailer. What's

Beautiful two three-story home with a crow's nest and a deck and a pool in a backyard and then a front lawn and everything God, what kind of plumbing is this? So I go, this is bad. So she's like, I gotta go see it. I was like, don't look, I can't, I'm so embarrassed. I mean, it's your own feces, Jerry. There's nothing worse. But it's probably everybody's feces.

Interesting. If both toilets have fallen in the tub, it's gotta be everybody's shit for the last six months. Yeah, I guess so. So she goes in and she's like, I hate to tell you it's now not stopping and coming out of the bowl and on the floor. The whole floor is ruined. There's three inches of water in the bathroom. It's all shit

everywhere. The other bathrooms overflowed. There's like a one of those little toilet rugs. The rug is covered in shit. The whole thing's ruined. You blew everything. We shouldn't have had you over. You should quit comedy. Your mom doesn't love you. I mean, this is every fear you ever had. Oh my God. So Mike Vecchione is such a military psycho trooper. He goes, I'm going in. Oh yeah. That's who you want there. He starts cleaning it. What do you mean clean? Like are theoper. He goes, I'm going in. Oh yeah. That's who you want there. He starts cleaning it. What do you mean clean? Like with a mop? He goes in with a mop, a scuba suit and a shop vac and he's cleaning the bathroom. So, so I'm like, you got to

call somebody I think. So we all talk. It's all a bummer. They call the lady who owns the house. It's a beach house that you can rent and she goes septic tank Sounds like the septic tank is full and you plunged it all out into the plumbing Oh I was I was plunging and just sucking it all out of the septic tank and all the toilets and tubs filled up because it's all pipes Jerry right. So what is the septic tank exactly? So it's a tank thing because some people don't have tanks that people do Well, you're on the beach so they might not be a plumbing all the way to the city Right, so what is a septic tank exactly? So it's a tank thing, because some people don't have tanks, some people do.

Well, you're on the beach, so there might not be plumbing all the way to the city. So a septic tank is a giant tank that holds shit. So you're supposed to go and empty it, because like my uncle has a house, it's like a little shack in Maine. You have to personally, physically empty it. It's like a thing, you gotta put gloves on,

and everyone, put your gloves on, both of you, and then you gotta go dump it. Is that what you're supposed to do? Yes, but we, they forgot it and overlooked it. So now we've had multiple families with multiple children and multiple races shitting in this thing. And the, the skeptic tank is, is full to the brim. Well and Ari takes those big bloody shits. Was there blood in there?

It was everything in there. There was blood, semen, there was blood, sweat, and tears. Good band. And it was, I mean, I should have taken a photo of this toilet. It was blacker than my dad's heart. It was insane. God damn.

So the guys come, like these two Hispanic guys, and they're like, never seen anything like this before, partner, you know, like they were there, I've been doing septic tanks for 45 years, I've never seen anything like this, who shit this up? And they're all pointing at me. Like, look, I've had a toilet overflow at a party, that's a nightmare. This was like, you filled the tank, man. Right. You're a problem, you're a menace, you've ruined Montauk. I found a way to ruin Montauk. That's impressive. You gave him something to Montauk about.

Yeah, shit talk. But so how did it remedy? Well, so they cleared the tank and then it flushed, but the floors are ruined. It was like Katrina, where I went up to the wall, I put a big X and the dog died and everything. Grandma's on the roof. And Fran, the Sal's wife, to her credit, she was like, you got to clean this. And I got down on my hands and knees and started scrubbing.

Wow. I'm throwing shit chunks out the door, just getting in there, getting dirty. She goes, here's a bucket of bleach. I poured bleach everywhere. It was like a crime scene. Oh man. I'm sorry, buddy. That's and the smell. I can't even describe the scent because they open that tank up and they're like, God, it's like the arc and the faces start melting, you know? And, uh, woof. And it was a lot of sad, quiet ride home. Oh man, you're like Costanza after the lobster thing,

the Hamptons. Yes, yes, she's got a great body, buddy. I soured the whole trip. That is a sour volcano. That is a fucking complete nightmare. That's everyone's nightmare. To be the last arriving guest that blows up the toilet, but you got to know it's everybody participated It's like a big football game

Where the kicker misses the field goal and he's the goat and everybody hates them and it's like the bus going but What about the guy that had the holding penalty in the second quarter? What about the guy that through the interception in the first quarter? Which never should have even been there. If it comes down to a field goal, somebody didn't do their job anyways. Interesting. So Ari was taking bloody shit and literally uses a fucking tampon in his asshole. So he's got that in there.

There's probably 40 women with tampons in there. Everybody's throwing cloths in there. People probably throw paper towels. It's a rental. So people are just doing all the shit. So you're just the last guy, you're the kicker. I'm the kicker. And you're the guy that took the biggest risk,

the biggest chance, nobody respects him, nobody likes him, nobody wanted him there, and all he could do is just be the guy that misses the field goal. Shit kicker. Yeah, exactly. That's me. That was good. Thank you, yeah, it was, well, it sucks to be

the odd man out of the duck, duck goose. I was the goose and it's like in nine ball, you know, nine ball, you ever play a little, you know, nine ball, you can make, you make eight balls in the other guy makes the ninth. He wins. Right. Exactly. It's the opposite of that. I made the ninth ball and I lost. Exactly. So you got fucked. It's not your fault. And I think people know, by the way, Katie Hannigan told me the story and she was like, Mark was, he was quite composed. I was impressed. What? Said that. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. I was like, you gotta be crazy. You gotta be kidding me. I went into the cornfields and I went, ah, I had

one of those moments. You see the new, the quiet place? No, I haven't seen it. Everyone said it's great. It's really good, but there's one scene where, I don't want to ruin anything, but you gotta be quiet the whole movie, because you're gonna die. But there's one scene where thunder happens, and a guy just goes, ah, because he's just so fucking frustrated with how he has to live. Oh, so he has a moment.

You can do it with the thunder, and that's how I felt. Oh, that's fun. It's a really clever movie. There's a lot of stuff where you're like, Oh, I didn't think of that. Oh, nice. All right. But Thunder Oklahoma City Thunder basketball team. That's the name of my shit. Thunderous. That is that's a rough one. God bless you for getting through it. Now, what day of the vacation was this

last? God damn day. Well, that's better than the first day. Ah, true. I mean, first, then you got to go. Hey, that's better than the first day. Ah true. I mean first day you gotta go. Hey guys remember sorry, and in a weird way it brought us closer because Ari's on the phone the whole fucking trip unless he's making a fire women are cooking Vicky owns doing push-ups Sal volcanoes playing with his kid. I'm swimming drinking So then you're kind of doing your own thing It's a vacation and then the shit was like we're all out there in a huddle. Like, what are we gonna do here?

I mean, this is bad. Like, we can't shit. She's pregnant. He's gay. We gotta figure something out. And it kind of brought us together in a weird way. Wow, that's nice. Well, that trauma brings you together.

And it's the best thing that could ever happen. In the middle of it, it's a nightmare. But then you're like, hey, podcast. I guess so, yeah. Hannigan was telling me, and I was like, this is the best news I've had all day. Oh, wow. Because this will be a classic.

Yeah, but boy, when you see your own dookie just on the floor, it's a real bitch. No, and in mixed company. It's one of those things, shitting and masturbating and swallowing jizz are those things that we all do every day, but you don't want anybody to know. You don't want to sit like everyone knows we're all shitting. Sarah's old apartment, some reason, I don't know the story or the how it worked, but some of your shit would float back up. So sometimes like I would go and you know, I'm dating and we're hotter than a pistol in love. And then you go to take a piss

and like your wife's like little Cocoa Puff lady shit is just sitting floating on the top. Yeah. And you're like oh god I know my wife shits but I don't want to fucking see her. You don't want to see her. The Dukes. Yeah well this is what's cool about it. Katie Hannigan and she's a comic so she came back like after the whole thing was finished and clean and she went I took a poop I was so scared when it went down. Oh yeah she told after the whole thing was finished and clean and she went I took a poop I was so scared when it went down. Oh, yeah You're like, okay great like a you told us you shit which is funny for a woman Yes, and B went down we all we all did like a rain dance

Well yesterday cuz she podcast at the house lady journey check out Sarah's new special by the way, but whole money Oh really funny. I watched a bunch of it. It's got some great jokes in there. People are raving. Rave, Jerry. Oh, great. I live with mental illness. His name is Joe. That's a great joke.

Pretty good. So I'm upstairs. I called because I'd like Katie in the house to go podcast. And she's yelling up the stairs going, I had to poo. It was crazy. The toilet was clogged. And Ronan's like, who, the lady's poo, and I said shut up, Drew, all rhymed.

Well good for you, and... Bad for Montauk. Yeah, well, Montauk overrated if you ask me. Really? Well, it's very expensive, it's very far, and... Oh, I paid for dinner one night, that was a mistake. Yeah, it's way out there and way out there but although I we got there in a two and a half hour yeah

that's long but yeah no Montauk's awesome but it's very expensive and pricey it's a little seamy it's a scene exactly yeah in that house though the weather and the beach was great and it's just it's it's kind of free out there like people leave you alone right yeah, I wish I could have gone. We would have loved to have you. It was a really great thing where you leave, and you're like, whew, I needed that. That was nice.

That's nice. I love the ocean. I love the cigars and the whole thing, the beach. But Ari put it well. I was like, what are we doing tomorrow? He's like, nothing. That's the beauty of it. Oh, yeah.

I'm sleeping till 10. You know, you wake up. I had a beer at 1 PM in the sun is just, you got nothing to do. Well, I love when everyone's in the house together. I love meals together. And that's what I'm trying to create downtown in the new place. You got to come over and I want to have a little family down there, you know? Yeah, it's really nice.

And you forget we should be doing things like this. Like time is just flying by and we're all gonna, like the bachelor party, I was looking at my phone, you know you get those weird alerts. This was two years ago. That was two years ago, I mean that's just boom, gone. Yeah, is it two years ago? I thought it was three years ago.

No, two years ago. It was 2022. Yeah, August of 2022 I guess. Yeah, so. Wow. And that dinner I forgot about till you just said it. That was special. That's why photos are good. Not just take photos, but to go back through and look at them.

You got to look. But no one looks. They just take them and post them. Oh, I look. This episode is also brought to you by Blue Choo. When you're trying to have sex, you don't want to be worrying about whether or not your dick's going to work. Make sure you're always waiting in the bedroom with Blue Choo. Blue Choo is an online service that sends ED meds right to your door so you don't

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I've been hogging, so you go. No, that'm singing baby. All right, I've been hogging, so you go. No, that's all right. I got just one little gay thing and then we gotta get out of here. I gotta go do the goddamn regs and running around, joking around. But so last week I went to Pearl Jam Show

number 55 and 56 I think over at MSG. Oh really? The Incanter, it was fun. And a bunch of comics there. Josh Adam Myers, Jay Okersonerson Lewinsky from the bonfire not Wayne Mike Tui I wish Monica Lewinsky was there she got a bad rep I was always attracted to her how crazy that she fucking blew the president of United States had a cigar in her pussy come on her dress on well it's so hot I

mean the whole thing is super sexy to me. Just a young, chubby bitch blowing the president. And then you see that meme that came out where Hillary Clinton was like, I'm not talking to you, obviously, you're in the dog house. But if you bomb Serbia, I'll come back. And he was like, done. What?

Yeah, so he bombed Serbia just to get out of the dog house with his fucking coup's wife. Wow, that's a hell of a tale. Yeah, so he bombed Serbia just to get out of the doghouse with his fucking coup's wife. Wow, that's, that's a hell of a tale. Yeah, give it a good. Um, but anyway, I like Jerry had a great joke about that with the, cause he's doing crowd work after the end of the special. Uh huh. He has people asking questions and they go do some Lewinsky jokes and he's like, all I can say about that is I understand having an affair, but class it up a little. He's like, you got come on the dress. Where's this? Send me that. I've never seen that. That's at the end of I'm telling you for the last time. That must be the DVD version. No,

it's at the end. They go, he does the Q and a, I don't remember that. I don't know. I don't think I've ever seen it. Someone goes, uh, Lewinsky Joe, that's why he goes, um, um, what are you doing TV again? He's like, well, I'm doing it right now. Yeah. I remember that. He's like, if I don't know, if that's not soon enough, we, I don't know what to tell you. That's funny. Someone goes Monica Lewinsky jokes. He goes, you're not getting enough Monica Lewinsky jokes. Every night, late night. And he's like, the only thing I'll say about that is have a little class. He's like the dress he's like glass it up. He's like, whatever happened to lipstick on the lipstick on the

collar was spell, but he did the have some class, whatever happened to lipstick on the, no lipstick on the call. That was Shebelle. But he did the, have some class. I disagree. I think the part, the hot part is his no class. Right. That's, that's sexy. Oh God, that is hot. I was too young to know what was going on.

Now you look back, he came on her dress. Ah, love it. Smoked a cigar, they're bitten her twat. That's good stuff. I mean, that one is a little bit like well now you ruined it I mean that's can you light it after that it's all good we don't you stick the mouth end in the bus ah you don't put the lighting end you taste the pussy was it lit when it went in I don't know it to me I'd like to see your puff

it maybe that's fun no you do a little lap around and then you put it in the mouth and light it up then do it that doesn't do it for me. Oh, it doesn't for me, baby. All right. But anyway, so later go to Pearl Jam. And you know, I can't I can't now. I've been to 75 shows. I'm 58 years old.

My father's gay. So I can't I got I look to get tickets. The tickets are like eight hundred dollars a piece. A tough ticket. I mean, it's StubHub. God, he's rapist. I know it's crazy So I email the agent and go hey listen, I was looking at a ticket I was gonna buy a ticket with their thousand bucks anything you can do so he mailed emails the the ticket agent whatever and goes Yeah, we got a couple tickets. The band just released their friends and family tickets

So I'm getting a badass seat bring Canada free tick now. I had to pay for it Okay, but a bummer but still a great seat badass seat, bring Canter there. Wow, free tick? No, I had to pay for it. Okay. But a bummer, but still a great seat. I think if I do it earlier, I could have got a free ticket, but whatever. Anyways, go to the show, killer show. This is night one, Canter's on the aisle, I'm next to him, and then some bro comes by himself,

he's drunk, he sits next to me, and you always, concerts are such vibe. Who's gonna be next to you? Yeah, it's the truth. You don't want a fat asshole, you don't want a fat asshole you don't want someone talking you don't want you just want it to be you like you pray that's gonna be a good section. Ain't that the truth. Guy sits next to me he's fine he's drinking a lot so he pisses like eight times it's annoying and he's one of these guys that does this I feel

like you're on my team with this he doesn't say tap you on the shoulder so pardon me I'm so sorry he like grabs you by the side, like here. What? Yeah, he's like, grabs you like this, he's like moves you like that. I'm like, why are you touching like the small of my back? Give me a shoulder tap or just like a, hey, pardon me, sorry. That's a off limit, that's a no fly zone. Yeah.

All that area. He's like doing that, and he would like do one hand on the shoulder, one on the hip like this, and you're like, what are you doing? Wow. I'm not a fan of that. Terrible. What are we in a steam room? So there he goes. And we watched the whole first set and they play along, not as long as they used to, but very long show. And now it's like when you're a kid, you go to a show and they leave after the first set, you stay standing. You're like, come on, babe. Now, as soon as they done, I sit down. I got to conserve energy. My legs hurt. My feet hurt. I got warts and herpes. So I sit down and the guy goes, uh, this is the encore. And I go, what's that?

I'm talking to canter over here. I go, what is it? He goes, I quit. This is the encore. And I was like, well, yeah, that was the first set. He's like, so this is the encore. And I was like, well, this is a, this is set. He's like, so this is the encore. And I was like, well, this is the encore break right now. And then they'll come out and play more songs. He's like, so is this the encore? And I go, well, this is, yeah, this is the encore break. Like they just finished the first set and then they're gonna play like,

probably like 10 more songs after that. So sort of, yeah. And he's like, is this the encore? Jesus. And I go, well, this is the, that's the end of the first set. And then they play another set and then they'll play the song at the end. That'll be like an encore. And he's like, I don't know what the problem is here. This is the encore. Holy moly. This is the encore or not? Is he holding your side during the whole thing? No, but I was like, what

is going on? It was like, oh, Abin Costello. I'm like, well, this is the break. And then they'll come back out. And he goes, well, what is that? I'm like, that's the second set. And he's like, so when is the encore? This isn't the encore. And I was like, this is nothing.

This is nothing's happening. I don't get what you're talking about. Have you ever been to a show before? It was so fucking weird. Don't you hate that? He's trying to make a fight out of nothing. I'm like, it was so bizarre. This is one answer. Is it encore? It's coming up. He's like, so they're coming back. And I'm like, they're going to come back out and play 10 songs.

8, 9, 10 songs. They do a long second set. And he's like, so it's an encore. And I was like, yes, okay, it's an encore. And he's like, okay, so now we're set. That's all you had to say. And I was like, wow, well, you kept saying, is this the encore? This, now we're literally talking like this to each other. I'm like, this is not an encore. Nobody's on stage right now. This is nothing. This is a break.

We're all sitting here in the dark. Nothing's happening. This isn't the encore. They're gonna come back out and play another set. This is not an encore. Right. And I'm like yelling at you like that. I'm like, it was like a husband and wife. I'm like, what are we doing?

Also I'm like, have you never been to a show? Why do you need like a label of what is happening right now? Exactly. And I'm not the program, buddy. I'm not the little booklet. Yes. I'm sitting next to you and I don't know you. He was like angry.

He's like, so this is the encore then. Jeez. And I literally was like, no, there's no band. An encore is a performance. Right. This is nothing. We're sitting here. Well he hit with, you're a literal guy. And I think he wanted an answer that he wanted. Yeah, I guess so. But you're like, and everyone's going to be, this is going to be one of these ones where like, Joe's an asshole, but I'm like, the band just left and he's like, is

this the encore? Right. I'm like, but it's not an encore. No, when they come back is the encore. Yes. Well really with Produe It's like a second set and then they play But you're like, wow, what are we talking about? He knew that I'm like also you're like Well, you seem quite certain that this is the encore. So why are you bringing me into it? Yes Why don't you just go? Oh, this is the encore exactly Because what else would it be? I don't get like what?

Yeah, this is the Cirque du Soleil portion. Yeah, you know, it's coming back out to play. They play the show and they're going to play more. And also what I was trying to say is like, well, because I think some people think of like encore is like one more song. I'm like, well, there's a whole second portion of the show. That's like as long as the first part. Got it. I was like, well, there's a whole second portion of the show that's like as long as the first part. So I was like, they'll play another set.

It was just like one of these weird things where I'm like, what is going on? Why am I in a fight with this guy? That's the worst. And my thing again, you know, I've already said it, but I'm like, nothing is going on right now. Right, right. Literally nothing's happening.

This is, again, I would say an encore break or just a break or just in between sets. We're just sitting here. Wow, that is, was he alone? He was alone and drunk. I see why. Big big penis head. He was also like in a business suit. Like he came from a thing. Yeah yeah he was like all dressed and just a drunk. I think his date didn't show up or something. He also when he first got there was like he sits down he's like oh you guys have more leg room than me? What's going on here? Why do I seem to have less leg room?

And I'm like, I don't know, we're in the same row. He's next to me. This guy's a menace. I'm like, I don't know. But I'm also just like, I'm over here with my buddy. Yeah, yeah, leave me alone. I go, I don't know, man. Yeah, it looks like it's tight, you know?

Yeah, he's like, he's doing this. Yeah, it looks like you have more leg room. I don't get it. And he goes, does that seat open? And I'm like, again, maybe, he's doing this. Yeah, looks like you have more leg room. I don't get it. He goes, is that seat open? I'm like Again, I maybe I'm a literal asshole. I'm like Well, do you see anyone in it? Yeah. Yeah, I know what do you want me to tell you here? And then he makes us get up he sits down immediately someone cuts a fucking sold-out. It's Pro Gym at the garden It's like yeah, the seats gonna be full you jackass. That's a huge pet peeve when someone doesn't have an answer

They ask you you don't have an answer and you're the asshole, right? You don't have an answer, they ask you, you don't have an answer, and you're the asshole. Right. You don't have the answer either, so why am I the asshole? I'm not here to answer all your shit. Exactly, and then when I give an answer, he's like, no. And I'm like, so then why are you asking it all? You already have your answer. Exactly, is this the encore? Anyways, great show, great night, beautiful.

Two nights. Two nights. Wow. Both nights, and then I'm going to Fenway, and it's very exciting, it's all a lot of fun. Let me ask you a dumb Pearl Jam question, please I've never seen them and I know we got to go but have you gone to you've gone to what 50 56? I'd be six if you gone boy that one sucked I've seen them 50 times that was horrible and then you go on to something like the best one I've seen

Definitely there's the best one. It's there's not one that's like that sucked there's ones that are like like night one this year was like that was great they're all great I mean you happen to be in the building you're all singing along it's fun and it kicks ass they're a great band obviously so there's ones that are better than others and now becomes harder to impress and now the best shows were 20 years ago at this point but they're still great but they used to play like a three and a half hour show now it's much shorter there's a new album that i'm like yeah it's okay i don't love it so those songs are

kind of whatever so it definitely changes and you're not a teenager anymore either so you're not like oh my god right but still great but great. But yeah, there's definitely show. There's never been a show that I'm like, that sucks. Okay. But there's shows that I'm like, ah, you have a worse seat. The set list isn't exactly as you like it. Sometimes the crowd isn't as great. Usually the garden there jacked up, but sometimes you're

like, ah, our section kind of sucks. No one's singing over here. Yeah. So, but all great, but definitely degrees. And then you get to go. I've played there. I know it's crazy. In the middle of the show I'm sitting there being like I've been on that stage three times. It's so crazy. And you almost met him. Yeah and I could have done Kill Tony but I had to go to Magoobies. So funny. I'm like I didn't do the

garden. I did Magoobies. That's hilarious. All right we got to wrap it up. I got to get to the regs. I got some big, big plugs. It might be sold out October 10th. We're screening the movie. You in town? What's the night? Thursday.

I'll be here. Thursday, October 10th. Woo, that's exciting. Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian. It's gonna be fun. There's only about 80 seats and we've sold 60. So it's probably sold out at this point. Oh, is that small?

Well, they got like 30 cops because you got all the comics and the friends and the crew and Tom's coming and all these people. It's like it's a 117 seat theater. What's it called? Village East. It's Cinema East. Oh Cinema East! The big marquee with the name on the marquee, everything. Second Avenue. Yeah you can walk there. I'll be there. I'll be living in Brooklyn. I'll be there then Kanner's wedding. So it's gonna be fun and come out to that. And November 9th, town hall, we're getting down to the Knitty Gritty. It's about five weeks away, six weeks away. Fill that up with the love of Christ. A month from now, I'm doing the new special in Chicago, Zany's. Hell yeah. Rosemont. That's gonna be fun. Great room. And come out to that and that that weekend leading up I'm in Madison. Philadelphia.

Next weekend whatever October 3rd 4th and 5th. Helium that's gonna sell out. Make sure you get those tickets early so you don't get shut out. And great room. Yeah my YouTube subscribe my YouTube. Got a new special coming. All the stuff. I feel like YouTube is pop is percolating. I hope so. It pops up all over my feed and the numbers seem to be going up. All right, I appreciate it. All gravy.

And the Patreon. Patreon, got to do it. I'm coming to your mom's house, I'm going to Chicago Theater, maybe meeting Larry David, I'm in Orlando. I got a couple of gigs that just aren't hitting. I don't know why. Some sell, some don't. So come out to Portland, Oregon.

Come out to Vancouver. I'm doing that with Soder. I'm doing London, Ontario, Toronto. We added a show. Oakland, Monterey, California. And Cleveland. And Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Chicago Theater, Kalamazoo, Michigan, Poughkeepsie, New York, and Asheville, North Carolina, and Charleston, North Carolina. Oh, I love Charleston. South Carolina. Sorry, thank you. South

Carolina. Love Charleston. Crack-a-lackin'. So yeah, thank you. What do you got there? See note. Check out my podcast Fun Bearable. We're doing a live Halloween show in Providence on October 20th, and it's gonna sell out. So if you want to get tickets go to funbearablepod.com And we do a month of Halloween podcast. So check out if you like that stuff, you like horror movies all that bullshit. Check out Fun Bearable during the month of October. Funbearablepod.com is where to get it. Have you watched? Check out fun bearable during the month of October fun bearable pot comm is where to get it. Have you watched?

Please don't talk to me don't talk to me talk to the hand. What is it? Oh, oh Yeah, but the original the original no, I want to watch it though. It's on my list Big no evil. I want to watch before I watch God Almighty. That's a film and a half Oh, I'm also in Providence and I'm at the Rogue Island Comedy Fest in Newport. Nice. Alright, we're going to do an ad and we are donezo. Alright, thanks for seeing us. Thank you folks. Wait a minute, is this the on...

Alright, see you later. See you later. Bye.