Tuesdays with Stories! - #573 Fortune Favors the Gay

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Mark becomes a hero on the subway! Joe goes on a hunt for a notary! Joe has a vomit emergency on an airplane on his way to Portland Helium, where Matt Wayne has an outbreak of violence during his set! Mark meets up with Dan Soder and opens for Jim Jeffries, then heads to Vancouver to do a festival with Santino, Theo and more! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with promo code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com  - Support the show and get 25% off your Helix Mattress order. Just head to https://www.helixsleep.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me! And I can't choose what I want! Ahhhh! Hey, hey! We're here, we're queer, we're back folks! Boy are we back! Back in the saddle and... Back in the saddle again man I got a lot to throw at you a

lot to talk about but I know you got a saga I got a couple so I got multiple sagas this is gonna be a classic whoa hey don't blow it up there Taliban well I don't want to say classic it's gonna suck it's gonna be the worst I got a new tray who dish I might be a little whistly over here. Oh hey. These trays they get in there they really they're really tight. Whistle while you work. Trayvon Martin. Yeah I just read his whole Wikipedia I sometimes like to go back in and read the whole thing yeah that was a hell of a situation down there. Was that the Skittles? That was the Skittles and the hoodie and the George Lopez shot him.

Wow, Joe Zimmerman. Joe Zimmerman, I saw him this weekend. Comedian, really, the shooter? Yeah, I haven't seen Zimmerman in a long time. Wow, he's still bagging. There's Robert Zimmerman. Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan. Yes. From Hibbing, Minnesota.

Ah. Hibbing, that's a fun name. Jew from Hibbing. Yeah. You don't see that every day. And the Coen brothers, Jews, Minnesota. Ah! Hibbing, that's a fun name. Jew from Hibbing. Yeah. You don't see that every day. And the Coen Brothers, Jews from Minnesota. And Prince. Not a Jew, I don't think. I don't believe, but very talented.

He's very fluid. That guy could have been Jew, gay, woman, Muslim, who knows? Absolutely. And by the way, according to Chris Rock, there's no blacks left in Minnesota. He said Prince and Kirby Puckett, dead and dead. What about Floyd? He's also dead

Old pink Floyd, he's black Floyd That's a band now that's something black Floyd. It's kind of like heavier. Yes Yes, bigger dicks pink Floyd with big cucks. Right. There you go. Another dick in the wall. Dick Floyd. Quick, come up with a band name. Bloody Puss. I like that. Hello, hello, we are Bloody Puss. Two, three, four. Bloody Puss, Bloody Puss. It's that time of the month to be Bloody Puss. I like Bloody Puss. I'm Saucy Dick.

Bloody Puss? Not far off from the Flamin' Lips. I love Flamin' Lips from Oklahoma City. I was just down there in OKC and they have Flaming Lips Alley. And I was like, that's gotta be the band. They must be from here. They are and that's a hell of a band, the Flamin' Lips. Oh, I love the lips. Got to love the lips. Flaming Labia. Well, let me just get into it, because I got a lot here.

I got a lot to unpack. Oh yeah. Okay, okay. Can I just throw one thing that I think you'll appreciate, and I got it. The only person I can tell, because I've told eight people, they didn't care. I just got to tell you there's about 150,000 people listening, so you're telling them too. Oh, all right. Well, I need you to hear it.

Okay, I can't wait. So I'm on a three-hour Amtrak. Sure. And... Boop. Did I tell you to hear it. Okay, I can't wait. So, I'm on a three hour Amtrak. Sure. And, did I tell you this already? There was a guy with the goddamn video plan. No. Did I say this already? I don't think so. Shit, I'm rotting my brain.

But, it's like eight people on the train. So you got all the room you want, and a guy sits right in front of me, and he's blaring the phone young retard wigger guy hat sideways big pants and he's like Playing guess what? He's playing kill Tony. No kidding. It sounds like homeless pimp. He had big pants sideways This guy was just homeless, okay, and he's playing kill Tony It's a first you want to go. Hey turn that off so first you want to go, hey, turn that off.

Then you want to go turn that off of it on there. You want to let the guy know a little bit. So then it's just playing on a loop. He's got a short playing. Oh. A YouTube short, you know? So it'll be like, and then I told her, bloody puss. And then I told her, bloody puss.

My wife does this with TikTok and I'm like, more than two I can't handle I'm gonna smack you across the face. Yes, my shoe in your ass if I hear a third tick-tock Exactly, it's on a loop now with the timing and I'm telling the wife. I'm like bloody puss here I'm like mouthing it now. It's like a hack, you know where I'm doing the whole act. She's gonna have a bloody puss soon That's true By the time I'm done with it, but yeah, so I can't take it anymore, and it's on the loop now.

So I'm like, what is up with this guy? So I lean over, he's out. Oh boy. He's got a big tall white claw, one of those, the big boys, and he's out with the phone on the lap, and I go, I'm gonna turn it off. I think you should. I'm gonna turn that phone off,

because I've dealt with the telephone enough, I know what I'm doing here. So this guy's got the phone like this. Bloody puss, bloody puss, bloody puss. BP. I go up and I... Now this is risky, because I'm right by the dick. The guy's sleeping.

I'm over him, you know? This is like, you're like Marty McFly in Back to the Future 2, trying to get ooh la la. Yes, yes, exactly, ooh la la. So I go, bloody puss. I tap it. I step back, didn't wake up, the train applauds. I sit down, best moment of my life.

Wow. Pregnant wife, Netflix, you name it. Nothing compared to that moment. You are a hero. I mean I would have woke him up and said hey turn your phone off but you went a step further. Oh yeah well you know I've been I've been shoplifting for years I've been fingering for years. I got a I got a slippery finger here and I just well all the like a butterfly just tapped it right there stung like a bee, and got the hell out.

It's exciting, it's nerve wracking, you did it, and I'm proud of you. Thank you. I'm a proud father today. Appreciate it that the conductor gave me one of these. So it was a great moment, and the guy, he wasn't the wiser, he woke up nine hours later and watched the rest of Kel Toney.

Yeah, but you're worried that he's gonna wake up, because like to wake up because the classic thing, whatever's happening, the noise changes, the person wakes up. Yes, exactly. But I picture him doing like a... Yeah, he had the feather going and everything. Right. So yeah, scary moment, big risk, but took it, and fortune favors the gay. Fortune Theemster. There you go.

Theemster? Theemster. F. Fortune Theamster. There you go. Theamster? Theamster. FF. Like Teamster. I was trying to think of, we were playing a game with my niece and nephew and my buddy, celebrities who have the same first and last initial. And all I could think of was, well, there's Ronald Reagan. Oh, the actor?

Yeah, I kept thinking of fictional ones. Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Roger Rabbit Roger Rabbit sure but there's some real other ones Darren Dalton played for the Phillies oh wow Donnie Tommy Toon Tommy Tierney Tommy Toon Tommy Tierney it is a Irish comedian yeah like that give that a good Tommy Tierney Taylor Taylor Tomlinson. Oh, there you go. That's a double T, T-Tops. Christopher Columbus. Chris Columbus, the Home Alone director. Yes, yes.

Greg Giraldo. Hey, good one. Harry and the Hendersons. I don't know. Yeah, Tommy Tiernan. Tiernan, there you go. Harry Houdini. Hey, Jew from Wisconsin.

Is that right? Only Jew and he disappeared. Houdini was a Jew? He must've changed his name. Judeini, oh yeah, big Jew. What was his first name, real name? Wisconsin is that right only Jew and he disappeared Houdini was a Jew Oh Judy knee. Oh, yeah, big Jew. What was his first day? It was real name. I'm Harry No, but Houdini sounds pretty Italian. That's a Jewish name. Yeah Who done it or who? Yeah, Kim Kardashian Kim Kardashian nice Paul Chuck E all the camp. Oh, yeah, Ks! Courtney, Kim, Chloe... Chloe with a K?

I believe so. Yeah, I think they're all Ks. The only reason I know that is because someone made a meme and it said, the only KKK that allows blacks. Hey! That's not bad. Because they all look black guys. Yeah, pretty good meme. That's good. Memes are really on fire sometimes.

Barry Bonds. Hey, there we go. Eric Wise is Harry Houdini's real name W E I S Z that German Hungarian American Bob Balaban hey I met him one time Bob Barker more bonus material cool There's gonna be LLs. LL Cool J, Leslie, Lamb. Michael McDonald. Oh. Woo woo woo woo.

Yes, and Michael McDowell, the clockwork orange. Malcolm McDowell. Malcolm, same M. Yeah, two M's, M and M's. There we go. Dr. Dre. That's a stretch. That's not bad.

Dr. Dre. That's not bad. Marshall Mathers. Yeah, there you go. There you go, There you go. M and M. I don't think he's a real doctor. Is that the name?

Oh, shit! Marshall Mathers. M and M. What? That's crazy. Together. Do people know that? Yes! I never thought of that. Everyone knows that.

Really? Call in if you knew that. Hello! M and L. That's a wet banana. I'm gonna eat that. Oh, God, I got ear banana jizz. I gotta get into some of this. Call in if you knew that hello Yeah, I got ear banana jizz I gotta get into some of this is I got a glass I got two classics I might have to do one per episode because if I talk too much they shoot me they come to my house and spray paint

I'm freaking out and we went from Skittles to Eminem by the way we got all the way around That was a long Milky Way to way to go. John Candy. We were just talking about him. There's a photo of him as a youngster. He looks exactly like Shane Gillis. It's crazy. Crazy. Can we plug that in right here?

Shane's a little fatter. I'll send it to you right now. Don't even look for it. I'll text it to you. Oh, you're making a note. I see. He's a cool John Candy. A young, hip candy.

Yeah. Let me send this on over there to you, Chuckie boy. There it comes. Chuck, Chuck, choo, chippy, chippy. I'm trying to think of another. Chuck Chumer. All right, we should probably get off of this. D.D. David Duchovny.

Hey, count it. There it is. E.E. Cummings, Eric. Donnie Darko is fictional. Oh yeah, a lot of fictional. Well I think cause the kids like, they like alliteration for the kids. Yes. Bugs Bunny. It's Zippy. Zippy and Zappy.

Yes, yes, Minnie Mouse. Zippy and Zappy show. By the way I watched some Sopranos on the plane. Still, still nothing. Well. They only had the first three episodes. But I guess the first three are boring and gay and you got to get to season 12 That's what gets good, but well do yourself a favor. I think you'll enjoy the Sopranos doc I know I gotta watch the that's why I started watching this thing cuz I think a doc I was all excited about it's a Gibney and I'm halfway through and you don't even have to like the show

but it's it's all about this guy who really struggled and Ate shit in Hollywood and then nobody wanted Sopranos, so it's fun. Reminds me of Sylvester Stallone. Stallone. SS. Bam, another WAP. Yeah, there you go. Where do you get sly?

I never liked sly. Because it's in there. SLY. Well yeah, but you're taking, you're mixing and matching. Yeah, but it's SLY SLY. SLY. You spell his name SLY,-Y, isn't it? S-Y-L.

Yeah, you switch it. You switch around the L. We can switch now? What are we, transgender? You can switch if you want. Well, I don't know, we can switch. It's like Jack and John. How did that get to be?

We've done this before. Narc Mormon. Yeah, that's no good. That's kind of fun. I mean, I enjoy it, but it's not a sly. I just feel like it's forced. Steve That's kind of fun. I mean I enjoy it, but it's it's not a sly I just feel like it's forced Steve Spurrier Okay football coach all right. We gotta stop doing this my brain is all a Walt Whitman Martin Mull Who's that Martin Mull? He was a comedian in the 70s? Oh?

I thought that was a Salacuses partner. What's his name? Oh Dominic Mull Don't all right. We got to stop. That's what Steven Spielberg. Hey, there we go. Okay. All right. All right. All right. You got one Chuck. You want to add one? Janet Jackson. Hey, Joe Jackson. So we like it. Finally got a lady in there. Yeah. No, we had the other lady. Didn't we? We had, um, I guess we didn't. Mary, Minnie Mouse. Yeah, I guess that's a lady. All right, so let me tell you some of these tales because I got some fucking Banco, Donko and Cronko.

Hey, Walter Cronko. Cronko, Walter Cronkite, WC, Willie Wilson. All right, so I'm going out to Portland. Andy Ackerman. Nice. He's a director. Yeah, Hope Seinfeld. uh... so i'm going out to portland andy ackerman that is the director of side felt uh... i we gotta get this out of our heads because i'm never gonna be a little white albino my wheels are turning i don't like to uh... dappy duck so

we go with focusing focus that's it here we go. Last one. That was it. That's the one right there. What do you got now? All right. Howard Hughes. Oh, that's it. We're stopping. I can't stop. That's the end of it. I'm hooked. We got to give that a name, the double name, because people are going to be all over this. We're going to get a list of Schindler. It'll be good in the comments though. The comments will go crazy. It's going to be fun. All right.

All right. So Dustin Diamond. That's the last one. Screech. Forget about it. Forget about it. What'd you say? Oh, I thought you had one. Oh, I said, forget about it. All right. Ben Margino. Ah, so. Not even close. I'm off to Portland, Oregon, but first I'm flying to Seattle to go see the Walshes. I like to see the kids. I like to see them, yada yada. So we had to buy a nice ticket in first class.

We're doing all right. It's all, we're on the back end of the boom. We were just talking about it. Everything's going downhill. We're out. So we might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I'm about to move to an apartment I can't afford. Baby boom.

I'm getting shit out, baby boomer, BB. Okay, okay. So I'm getting shit out the bottom of the industry. My money's going down. My tickets are through the floor. I suck. Ben Bailey. Can't sell out. the floor. I suck. Ben Bailey can't sell out great comic funny guy. So I

Get these first-class tickets. We're gonna leave at 7 a.m. First thing in the morning We got a first light of the moon sun, whatever We got to wake up pull the baby out of the crib at 4 a.m And head off to the airport JF, to fly across the country to Seattle. Sarah and I have tickets 1C and 1D. The first row is nice because you can put the baby down. He's not going to crawl under a seat. It's a game changer having first class with the baby. That's you. Boy, you guys are like royalty up in the front of the cabin like that.

It's exciting. He's flown a lot of first class this kid. He's a lucky boy. I'm also diamond, which helps. And he's about to be fucking gold this kid. He's a lucky boy. I'm also diamond which helps and he's about to be fucking gold this kid Hey 16th flight Wow Under a year added a new state to we went to Oregon. So he's at like 15 states. It's wild So we got the early flight now on Wednesday now on Tuesday We got one of the craziest days of my life because we're trying to finalize this apartment. Right, you got a lot of plates jizzing. Which I've said this before, the apartment I live in now,

I bumped into Ed Larson from Murder Fist and last podcast on my asshole, and I just saw him walk in and he goes, hey, there's an extra apartment in this, in this thing, you want it? And I go, I'd love it. And the landlord goes, you seem like a nice guy, spit on his hand, grabbed my dick and gave me the apartment. I love the old rub-and-tug.

Didn't do one check. No credit, no background, no interview, no nothing. Yes. Now we're moving to a luxury apartment, which is very exciting, and I want to thank everyone, especially the Patreon people. You're allowing all this to happen. Everyone who buys a ticket, thank you. We're having a glorious life because of you.

Yes. We're very grateful. Pablo Picasso. That's it. So we go there. I should have had that one. That's my big bit. I sell a shirt with Pablo. No, not Italian. So we go down there and we're like, all right, flying out tomorrow, Tuesday morning, we get an email from the realtor. Is it realtor or realtor? I think it's realtor. It's like nuclear. Oh,

so we go, Hey, they go, Hey, we're still missing ten things from you and I had to get 15 recommendations taxes all this stuff they go we need a Notarized thing this letter an affidavit this thing. Well these notaries these fuckface notaries All you have to do is watch someone sign something and stamp it. Stamp it. I don't get it. Stamp it. Stamp it. So we go, OK, how hard can that be? That's fine.

Tramp stamp. We do all the work. Sarah's printing up an affidavit, filling out this paperwork. We're talking to a lawyer, talking to the tax people. It's fucking nuts to rent an apartment. Crazy. So then they go, you need to get this notarized.

So I go, no problem. I'm going to go to the gym, get myself a notary. I'll be right back. I work out. I take a steam. We're all set to go. We're all packed. I come back. I go to the one place has a notary. They go, ah, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, no notary on Tuesday. No, no, no, no. So I go, okay, no problem. I'll go to the other place. This way. He goes, this one three blocks down. I go, great. Thank you I walk three blocks down holding a piece of paper Go in there. They go notary comes in at 6 p.m.

Comes in at 6 p.m. I go. All right. Well, that's crazy. I can Google it. There's another one That's out of an apartment. I walk down there big sign. No notary today back tomorrow What is this the The Old West? I go, this is crazy. So I go to UPS. This is like 12 blocks. I walk 12 blocks. No, no, they don't come in on Tuesdays. Wow, what a gig. What are they listening to the podcast? I don't get it. Yes, they're avoiding you. Go to the library. You guys got a notary? No. All right. We end up going fucking 10 more blocks all the way to UPS store.

If you need a notary. We go to UPS They're closing soon. Finally they have a notary. So I went to seven places. It took me an hour. Wow I got about 15,000 steps looking for the fucking notary. Let's get the word no right in there. Finally I get there I go I get that done. I come all the way back We need two other things and then it's we got to get a fucking what do you call it? A, I don't know, some bullshit. Yeah, some crazy shit. Ridiculous words. So we end up, we can't get it all done,

so we gotta change the flight. I'm like, fuck this. Yeah, because we can't get it done in time. You got one C, one D. So now, instead of doing the morning flight, we book an evening flight, a red eye. We'll take a red eye. Maybe the baby will sleep, whatever. So I call, I go, hey, well, we got to switch flights. They

go, it's going to be an extra $400 because that flight's more expensive. Okay. So I go, okay, great. Now it's cost me $400. For two people, that's not crazy, but it's still annoying. Well, here's why. Three people. Sarah got moved from first, they only have one first class seat available. So they go, we got a comfort plus so she can get it's like 900 extra for me, but 500 less for her, whatever the hell it is, it works out. So it's four, however it works. So she moves

down to comfort plus middle seat. So now I have a window first class. She's got a middle comfort plus. So now I got to take the baby. That's the a middle comfort plus. Oh, middle, go. So now I gotta take the baby. The Middle East. That's the only way to do it. You can't go, hey, you're in the middle seat comfort plus and you're taking the baby, I'll be up in first class dining and whining and blowing the guy next to me. Yes, yes.

So I go, okay, I'll take the baby. No sweat. But I got a window, so I can't get up and walk around or move around, which is tricky. So I'm in 2D or whatever. Get in, I say goodbye to her, I love you, have a good time, don't worry, it's a red eye, he'll fall asleep. So first he's squirmy and wormy and I'm all on my own. He's having a nice time, it's exciting, happy to have him, good bonding. He falls asleep and it's the sleepy time. So he's sound asleep. That's beautiful because you wonder what's the worse? What's the better position?

Middle cum first baby. Yeah, it's tricky. I know a middle seat, not as horrible as everybody thinks, honestly. I just flew to Denver Middle last week, but we'll get into that later. Well, you got you got the arms and it's not that unlike having one person next to you. You just got one person next to you. Not crazy. Well, two people. Well, the person next to you over here, but they're minding their business

and you don't have to worry about that. You don't have to get past them. Oh, that's true. It's not the middle is not ideal, but I'd rather a middle than a window. What if there's if it's a threesome? That's crazy. Because now I got to get two people to move. Yeah, but one's going gonna get up to pee anyway so I always just wait for the one

then I nudge the other cum guzzler and you double your chances of them both sleeping that's true anyways she's in the middle I got the baby he's sound asleep on my lap whatever we're flying I feel good I'm in bonding I feel like I'm doing service you know I'm allowing my wife to just have a nice free flight. She's watching film, she's getting work done. You got the baby one, you're the warmth. You just feel like I'm a hero. What a dad.

Holding the baby, wife's doing her thing, no sweat. I'm watching a film, watching The Sopranos, it stinks. I'm sitting there sound asleep. All of a sudden, I feel a little warm. Oh, here it comes. A little heat. Little R. Kelly. And I go, well, you know, it's a flight. I got the baby on me, his warmth. I open the vent, get a little cool.

Now I feel a warmth all over, in the toes. Ooh, I know where this is going. And I start going, why am I hot? I'm never hot. Yeah, you're not hot. Are you? Well, I had a stressful day. It was a crazy day running around, the notary, the thing. I'm flying across the country. Got the baby.

Bro, I just gotta chill it out a little bit. Let me, maybe I'll meditate. I put in my ear pod. Let me do a little meditation. Now I hear this. Oh, baby. Here we go. Little whale sounds.

And I go, what's going on here? I had Chipotle in the afternoon but there's no way Chipotle poisoned me. I've had, you could put fucking dog cum and cat piss Fentanyl Narcan. And just have it raw just dump cow

E. coli mad cow in there. I've had so much Chipotle I'm immune. Same, same. coli, mad cow in there. I've had so much Chipotle, I'm immune. Same, same, it's our vaccine. Exactly, we are vaccinated. And they would never do me wrong. Cause remember when they had the big controversy. Oh, I went there double. You and I never stopped, there was no line,

it was beautiful. Yeah, E. coli my ass. Yes, exactly. So I'm going- It was an E. coli. We had Chipotle, we had Shake Shack at the airport. Ah boy, here we go. And when I ate that burger, it felt delicious

because it was so soft, it was so soft and juicy and a little pink. Ah geez. And I go, maybe I'm sick, but by the way, I haven't thrown up since the Louie story, November 2015 when I first worked with Louie. Okay. So that's a nine year. Pretty good run run. No puke and I'm going... That's a full Seinfeld

season. Exactly. Or episode. The whole series. Yeah. And you know when you feel a little nauseous, you feel it in the throat. Yes, yes, throat. That kind of like water like... and I'm going I think I'm gonna be sick. Wow. And by the way this is the bummer, there was turbulence. And so you don't wanna be the guy that's like, I'm seasick, I'm turbulence sick. Oh, I hate that guy. You don't wanna look like a fucking F word. Yeah, an amateur.

So the baby sound asleep, we're about, by the way, we're about four hours into the flight. And so you go, I wanted to make it through the whole flight. Not to mention, you'll find this when you have a baby when you do it's all I did this so you might as well you're gonna do this trade-off if I'm like if I can get through the whole six-hour flight with the baby now I'm sleeping in tomorrow you're changing the next ten diapers you gotta blow me yes you gotta put your

thumb in my ass while we fuck sure all, all easy. So I'm like, I gotta make it through. I can't ditch him. I can't pass him off halfway because then I lose my full hero dad. Of course, you gotta get that credit. You gotta earn it. But it's coming and I can feel it in my asshole, my throat, my stomach and I go, I'm sick.

Wow. I text Sarah, I go, you got luckily have wifi. I go, hey, you gotta come get the baby. I'm about to throw up. And I'm sitting there, I got nothing. Like baby I'm about to throw up and I'm sitting there I got nothing like I'm gonna have to throw up in his diaper bag or in a diaper on his on his tits Well, is there there's a puke bag in the plane. They don't do that anymore. They have it up top I think oh is that right? I think it's all just sky magazine and condoms in there

So I'm sitting there and I text her I go and, oh okay, I'll come up. I go, like now, I'm about to throw up, I'm sick. So she comes up, comes running up to first class and they're like, get out of here, you're not in first class, you bitch. And I go, she's my partner. Oh wow. I hand the baby, he's sleeping, he's like fucking doing this.

I go, here, take him. And this guy's sound asleep by the way, because it's one o'clock in the morning. The neighbor. The neighbor, he's just a cool bro guy. So I had to step over him. I like step on his balls. He comes, I trip.

I'm like tripping into this old lady's tits. She's like, ah! Sorry. I hope you turned Kill Tony off. I go to the bathroom and I just sit in that toilet. You know that thing when, is it puke or shit? I don't know. Whoa, you got the food poi.

I'm food poi'd all up. So like, first I just sit in the toilet and I'm like, I just shit this thing out It's like it's not diarrhea. It's a full log. Okay log is good and I feel like Like that but it's not coming out I get a full giant log I'm shitting on a plane now in first class, which is awkward. I take a big baby leg of a shit It comes out and I'm like, okay, that wasn't so bad. Yeah. I feel a little better.

I'm splashing water on my face, flush that thing down. Luckily they have the, oh, that's lunch. I think it just shoots out into the atmosphere. I think, I think Cleveland gets it right on the kisser. It does stick there. It does Jersey too. So I go, okay, I think I might be better. I go back to my seat.

I got to step over the guy again. I go back to my seat. I gotta step over the guy again. I got shit on my asshole. Sit down and like, okay, I think that better passed. Well, what's good about you is you don't cry wolf. You're not a bloody puss. No. This is rare, so she knows it's real. Yeah, this is serious business.

And I go, I think I'm okay. About an hour passed. Oh, I told the flight attendant after I shit, I go, I gotta tell you, I think, just to let you know, I think the flight attendant after I shit, I go, I gotta tell you, I think, just to let you know, I think I ate something. I'm in a window seat. Do you guys have anything, like a bag or something? And she goes, we have the puke bags in the bathroom.

So they are in the bathroom. And she goes, I can give you this though. She gives me a sturdy Delta trash bag, like a thick, big trash bag. She goes, mine's what, take this. And I go, okay, so I fold it up and put it in my pocket, like I thick, big trash bag. She goes, take this. And I go, okay. So I fold up and like put it in my pocket. Like I'm a construction worker or something. So I go, I step back over the guy and now I just have a big trash bag and I'm hot. I'm feeling, it's percolating

about a half hour passes. I try to just rest my eyes. I wake up. Here it comes. Whoa, mama. I got to throw up. I opened the trash bag and it's a full on... I mean I haven't puked in 10 years and you're in a bad puke position because you want to be on your knees and kind of angle it. And I'm going like this BLEUGH At first class, red eye!

Everyone's like this pulling their sleep mask up and looking and the turbulence is out of control. So I just look like a big homo dork who can't handle it. Like, oh it's too turbulent. Oh wow.

And I'm barfing. And I just want to say I ate a bad burger. Yes. I'm diamond. I fly. Yes. I love boats. I love flying. I'm wet skydiving once. Hey wait a minute. Bad burger and Shake Shack. Doubling up. Sorry. Keep going. Scotty Scheffler. Hey! I'll take it. Pink Pussy. Michael Mann. Hey! Keep going. Peter Parker. Another fictional. Walter White. Chuck just came when I said Peter Parker. Now you're yakking on the plane and you're gonna be yakking with the bumps. It's all bumpy and I'm like, and I puke violently. I'm like, I don't know, I got a bad tube.

I got to crank it up through the tube. So I'm like, and it's just chunks and bullshit, Shake Shack Chipotle. It's semen, it's everything. And the guy's waking up, he's like, I want him to hold my hair back and rub my back. So I'm just barfing and it's horrible. I get through it. And now, by the way, I have Invisalign. So it's just collecting puke and spew and shit in there. It's horrible.

Jesus, they stink. They stink and it's just a bad news bear. So then I sit back down, I'm like, okay, I think I'm good I got it. Now. I'm holding a trash bag filled with puke Wow on a red eye I'm like I'm saying I get emotional. I'm like, I'm sorry. I failed. I'm sorry. You have the baby He woke up during the exchange. He's crying and I have all the accoutrements I got the bottles and the toys and the dildos, right? Right? So I'm like you got to come back up here and get them. And I'm all

white and gay and crying. So then in 20 minutes past, I feel again. Oh, no, the shake shack. The devil is inside you. Burgers are bad. It's the last burger I've ever eaten again. Never eaten a burger again. So I go up there, get back in the bathroom. Now I got to get in the toilet and it's just wow. Fucking just fire machine gun shit. I'm the guy. I'm the guy that gets the shit all over the toilet shit and everywhere. Yes. You always wonder who that guy is. He's got shit on the walls, the spray.

That's me. So I had to... I'm taking water in my hand, like splashing it off the side of the toilet, trying to clean up my toilet jizz. Wow! Jack Johnson. So I'm just... I'm... both Jack Johnson, Jackie Joyner, damn. Oh yeah. So anyways, I go, I got to go back down there. I'm like, oh fuck. So I'm sweating, my sweating through my shirt, just sick. And now I'm doing the thing where I'm like, all right, I'll have food poisoning for 12 to 16 hours. I'm fucked. I'll get through the first show. Hopefully I'll feel better by showtime. Oh my god. I got a drive from Seattle to Portland.

Ah, I feel for you, Fatty. This is the worst, because you don't realize how normal life, how great it is, till this shit happens. Well, it's the old adage. A healthy person wants a million things, a sick person just wants one. I love it.

So now I throw up a second time in the trash bag, and it's just awful, So then I tie a knot. And then I feel better. The last half hour of the flight, I feel a little bit better. So I'm like, maybe I got it out. Tie a knot in the bag. The lady was so nice, by the way.

She's bringing me ginger ale. The flight attendant. Bringing me ginger ales, water. She's like, I have crackers. She's giving me all the shit. I appreciate it. Delta's the best. Tie up a knot.

We land. I feel better. Now I'm feeling a little bit grateful, because it's been about 40 minutes since I've puked her shit. And I'm up in a knot. We land. I feel better. Now I'm feeling a little bit grateful because it's been about 40 minutes since I've puked her shit and I'm feeling kind of okay. So I'm like, maybe it was just a little bacteria. You know, just a little pinch of shit. Praying to God. So we finish. I got to tie this bag up. I put it in the side pocket of my backpack. The bag?

Yeah, because I'm like, cause I'm in the window seat. So I can't get up and throw it away. And I want to have it just in case. Okay. Okay. So I tie it tight, not put it in the side. We land and there's water bottles everywhere. And I'm just too weak. And I got the diaper bag, my backpack, the toy bag.

And I'm leaving and I go, I tell the flight attendant, thank you so much. I left a bit of a mess back there. I'm sorry. Thank you. She goes, no problem. Hope you feel better. I leave. Now the way we do it, I take the baby and Sarah waits for the stroller because you're going to drop the stroller off at the gate. So someone has to take the baby off and then someone waits for the stroller. So I take the baby. I'm up playing with them. I'm like, this is great. I feel like I'm okay. It's like one o'clock in the morning now. And then Sarah finally comes out. I tell the whole story. That was crazy. I haven't thrown up in 20 years. Boobily boo, pippity, bip. And then I go, yeah, I got a

bag. I got a trash bag filled with vomit over here. And I go, wait, where is it? It was in this pocket. And she's like, it's not there. And I'm like, no. So then I look around the area and the gate, I'm like, I don't know where it went. Oh God. I'm like, it must've fallen out when I got my bag and my other bag. Oh God.

So now I realize as I was leaving, the puke bag fell out of my backpack. It's somewhere on the plane. And I told the flight attendant who couldn't have been nicer, I was like, hey, I left a mess back there I'm sorry Now she's gonna go over there and be like to this piece of shit puke three times in a bag and just leave it

Oh, of course he did. So she must think I'm the biggest baggage puke piece of shit ever But it fell out Delta. Oh my god. Tell the lady so I'm sorry. I love you I would like to eat you out. You're very attractive, thanks for being so sweet. Anyone that takes care of you when you're sick, you just wanna make love to. The best, and thank God you were in first, because if you were in 38B,

they would've kicked you right in the teeth and said you puked in your own lap, Dickless. Well, it was lucky too, because it was a red eye, so I think most people were kind of sleeping, and it was just a fucking nightmare. But that's like the worst nightmare, is throwing up on a plane with a baby. Oh, my God. You're right. But luckily, she took the baby. That was OK.

And that's just a warm up for the big crazy. What? There's more. Oh, is a big crazy one. But I don't want to take up too much time. Keep going. You're first of all, you're a trooper. Because this happens to most people. They make it a one man show. That is their their 9-11 and you keep on rolling, baby. Well, I was filled with gratitude because that was it. I never shit again or pooped again. Oh, really?

Yeah. So it was like a little mini... It was one big log of shit. It was a diarrhea and two big pukes. Why would you go to the shack when you got the lounge? Because we were running a little late and the lounge was further, our gate was right across from shack and the lounge is like a 30 minute walk and sometimes there's a wait at the lounge. So it just felt like, and we were starving and sometimes the lounge is, you know,

it's like a little bit of spinach. It's a little bit of this. For me, it's hard to really fill up at the lounge. And it was like, little bit of spinach. It's a little bit of it. It's hard to for me. It's hard to really Fill up at the lounge and it was like I have burgers are right here. We're just we're here So but I'm out on Shake Shack and I know that shack to in JFK. I've walked by it a million times Well, how about this we landed last night and we were walking right by the Shake Shack There was a guy throwing up in a trash bar. Get the fuck. I swear to God I wanted to be like is this Shake Sh Shack? You hear that Shacky? Dan Shacky.

Shaquille O'Neal. No, wait, no, no. No, wait, wait. No, way off. Why did I get excited about that? I don't know. I don't know. Shaq, I was thinking Shaquille Shack.

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Yes, yes. Keep going, fatty. I got to just bullshit. This is a saga. Well, this was also crazy. So we land. Now we've just flown across the country. We're puking. And you realize what you're made of in these situations with a baby and all this stuff. So we land. Now it's late at night. It's like 11 o'clock at night. I got food poisoning. My father's gay. We land and we're in Seattle now. And normally I get picked up at Seattle by Derek or Erica, but it's late. So they can't pick us up. Was it 2 AM now? No, it's like, well, it's 2 AM our time, but it's like 11 PM, I think. Oh, 1130 or something like that. Weird. So they got to go to bed and Gig Harbor is like an hour south. So renting a car for the first time in Seattle ever, I'm usually getting picked up. So that's one of these shuttle things. You gotta run the baby to the shuttle, pick up your luggage.

It's a whole rigmarole. It's fucking, you gotta go get the luggage, get on the shuttle, take the shuttle, go to the fucking thing. We get there, it's late at night. Avis is my own, my reservation, is the only one that's open late at night. There was 40 people in line. Swear to God. At that hour? At that hour, it is one person working. So I'm like, this is gonna be an hour.

What are we doing with our lives? The baby's awake now. So I came out, I felt really good about this. I look up Gig Harbor, where we're staying, go to Enterprise. They have an enterprise in Gig Harbor. So I go, why don't I cancel my Avis, take a lift to Gig Harbor, pick up the car there tomorrow. That's a big lift. So it's a big lift, but the rental car from Gig Harbor, $250 cheaper

than the Seattle airport. So I cancel this reservation, get 450 bucks back, make a $200 reservation, book a $100 Lyft. Whoa! Save money. So now I'm this guy. I'm in line. Everyone's furious going, this is crazy. Can you believe this? One person, I go, hey, everyone move up one spot. I'm out of here. Yeah. I'm getting a Lyft. But the Lyft doesn't pick you up at the fucking shuttle. Ah, I had this in LA. So I'm like, I don't want to get back on the shuttle. So I call the Lyft driver. He's like,

Scoobadoobadoobadoobadoob. I go, hey, can don't want to get back on the shuttle. So I called the lift driver. He's like, scuba-dub-dub-dub-dub-dub. I go, hey, can you pick me up at the rental car? And he's like, let the car shut up, up, up, up. And I go, I'm over here. So I had to send him the thumbnail or whatever you call it, the thumbtack. The pin. The pin of where I am.

Yes. He couldn't have been nicer. It took him a half hour to find me. I'm waving him down. I'm saying, please, thank you. I gotta get in the front seat. I go, how's your night? He says, scuba-dub-dub-dub-dub.

And I'm not trying to be offensive. He just didn't speak the language all that well. Was he eating a cat? Sweet as boll, yeah, he had a bag of ducks coming out of the trunk. They're eating our pets. It sounded so similar to that. Our pets' heads are falling off.

They really did. That was a meme as well. She never made the fries. What a bag of shit. So we get in the car. We head south. We finally get there. I feel like a million bucks. They take one of shit. So we get in the car, we head south, we finally get there, I feel like a million bucks, they take one more shit, go to bed,

we head down to Portland. Ooh, what's that about, three hours? About three hours, two and a half-ish. Okay. So we go down there, we meet Matt Wayne down there, now I got my whole crew, Matt Wayne, Derek, Erica, Joey, Brooke, Sarah, the baby, It's a whole family down there Wayne's world And then we got a whole floor. We got that we stayed at the dossier hotel, which is a beauty

They put us up at this nice hotel I got an extra room for the Walshes and so I could nap Baby, you earned it so we had three rooms on the 19th floor, beautiful city, could use a little scrubbing. I would say so. The gutter punks galore, my god. Dude, do heroin in your own place. Why do we do it outside of voodoo donuts, you queef? Portland is a tough, it's mind blowing to me

that Seattle and Portland, they got together, they voted. They said, should we let people shoot heroin in the street? And they went, yeah. Sure. Absolutely. Give them a couple tents while you're at it REI is having a great time I mean what was going on they were like yeah yeah definitely well they worked in Portugal or something so people go hey worked over there let's do it it's really off-putting you're like I got a family we're walking around there's just people shooting heroin into their dick holes

it's wild I will say I walked through it all with the wife and I wasn't nervous. The Portland druggies are a lot calmer. Well, there's a lot of smash and grab, the windshields are all smashed out. It's not good. It's not good. We need some help down there. But anyways. A big old broom. Just release some wolves or something in there. Let them figure it out. Well, I think you just got to get some state run institutions where they put the pill on your tongue and go, there you go. Sure. And also make it not legal to shoot heroin on the sidewalk. It's a wacky system. It's goofballs, It's goof troops. What are you going to do? So anyways, we go to Portland. Great weekend. One of the best clubs ever. Portland Helium.

It's a great one. Just great crowds, great town. Yes. Lunch. Friday early show. Oh, 730 packed out, sold out. Beautiful. Thank you everybody. Wait, what did you land? Sorry. You landed a Wednesday night, Wednesday morning, beautiful, thank you everybody. Wait, what day did you land, sorry? You landed 11, fuck. Wednesday night, Thursday morning. Got it. Thursday morning, had breakfast in Seattle, or Gig Harbor, and then drove down to Portland. Got it, got it.

Then the wall just came down Saturday, it was a beautiful hang. Friday, early, early show. Sold out, and you know the late show, Friday late, legendary, gets wild, gets drunk. Sure. Matt Wayne is on stage shout out little little activity to the left stage left little drunk ladies talking and he goes

everything about he's killing by the way about 18 minutes in the show he goes everything okay over there yeah yeah everything's okay he's got the recording yeah everything's fine yeah okay sure just wanted to make sure about two more minutes pass he's wrapping up he's got a minute left in his set and you just hear fuck you Brawl whoa breaks out during that way it's set I go what's about you just hear Mac goes security security And the lot house lights I poke my head And the house lights, I poked my head out, the house lights come up, big brawl, two women, what happened was it was two women sitting behind two women,

it's always women, they're drunk and they're going yeah you shut up, shut up, shut up, they're drunk assholes talking. So then they go hey man you gotta go and she goes alright I'm leaving, she goes oh you know what I forgot my phone and she walks back in and just fucking cold cocks the lady, grabs her by the lady Whoa, I'm sure the face her friend starts punching her in the face Keep Portland weird house lights come up for ladies all punching each other in the face So I'm like what is going on? So Matt's like, what do I do? What should we eat security? And I've opened the curtain I go Matt get over here because it's a huge brawl I just pull man get over here now. I pop out to watch the whole crowd goes crazy

brawl. I just pull him out of the stage. I go, get over here. Now I pop out to watch the whole crowd goes crazy. Like, ah, there he is. Oh, wow. So there's four women kicking the snot out of each other. Just grabbed each other's tits and bushes. The crowd goes, hey, Joey, I'm doing this. Hey. I'm talking to people. I go, what the fuck's going on? They go, we have no idea.

Then about a six foot nine guy with a big Portland fucking dude. Like a lumberjack. Like Chuck if he was attractive. Just gets up. Too hard to picture. Six foot seven, 230 pounds, beard down to his tits, walks over and just pow! Nails a woman right in the side of the head. Her head smashes the wall. She goes down. What? Equality. Lady grabs a glass, smashes another guy. You just hear, you can't hit it. Stop hitting.

It's a fucking. What the fuck? It's like a cartoon smoke. Yes, yes. So I go, this is great. The waitresses are trying to grab. So I grab my phone. I go, I'm gonna call the cops.

This is nuts. Wow. Cause we got waitresses trying. People are getting smashed over the head. Men are punching women. Dogs and cats living together Holy mass hysteria Kamala never worked at McDonald's ducks are getting stolen So I got the phone and I go alright. I gotta call the cops

I don't know the number so I just dialed 9-1-1 what who cares Wow the headliner I go 9-1-1 I'm staying on the side of the stage. Everyone's looking at me. I call 9-1-1 that just rings This is Portland by the way America we're going down the tubes. I call 9- it rings for about eight minutes. Nobody answers. I finally just go, all right, I guess they don't have 911 in this city. So I hang up, I go, well, whatever. What are you going to do? They start getting these bitches out of here. They're pulling them out by the hair. Everyone's ponytails, wigs are coming off. 730 at night, but the sun is out. Wow.

And Matt Wade's not exactly Lenny Bruce. It's not like he's like fucking, fuck you motherfuckers. Yeah, yeah. So it's crazy, lights are up. Holy moly. I come out, I walk out and they go, what are we gonna do? It's a delay, we'll mop up, they'll throw him down the stairs like Jazzy Jeff.

Then they go, this is hilarious, they're like, well, Matt will go on and do his last three minutes. I'll let the MC do a couple minutes. I'm like, what are you crazy? I'm like, no, I'll go out there. Yeah, yeah. I go, we have another show. Right.

This is a 10 minute delay. Oh, it's the early show. I'm like, what's Matt gonna do? Go out there and be like, so as I was saying, I'm like, I love Matt, but he's done. His portion of the show is done. They've already seen me. Yes.

I'll just come out. So then my phone starts vibrating it's a 503 number just as Portland I go on I swear to God this is true I go hello they go hi this is 9-1-1 we got a missed call from you you up is that the craziest thing you've ever heard it was like it was you I'm like hey they're like yeah we missed a yeah, yeah, I'm down here at the Portland helium. There's a, I was at the shower. We missed your emergency phone call. Is that crazy? Like I was talking to Monas about it. Who's from Portland. You call nine one one in New York. It doesn't even ring. Right.

You just hit nine one one. They go, hi, nine one one. Yeah. They go black or Hispanic. Exactly. True story. That happened to Sarah. And so I go, yeah, yeah, there's a big brawl down here. I don't know. You might want to send somebody by and they're like, well, how many people were involved? And I'm like, I don't know, four or five, six. But I'm like, she's like, where are they? What's happening now? I'm like, Oh, they're gone. I'm about to go on stage. I'm like, Oh, I'm the headliner. I go, I gotta go up. But yeah, I just figured somebody should be involved. Sure. So then they go, okay. And I go, I gotta go. I'm like, I'm at work. I'll see you later. So then they go, okay. And I go, I got to go. I'm like, I'm at work. I'll see you later. So I hang up. Whatever. I walk on stage. Now this is a little bit

dicey because it turns out I called the cops on one of my super fans. Oh man. This is a lot of layers. So I walk on stage, the crowd goes crazy. And of course I do a whole, and by the way, I have a camera guy coming Saturday, nobody Friday. Ah, they got a house cam, right? They got something in the wings? I don't know, I said this, I'm like, this is, you wonder why everyone's at arenas and I'm playing Portland Helium for 12 people?

I should have had a three camera shoot and made a feature film about this. I mean, this is UFC in the sphere, baby. I mean, and I was ripping, I go, what is going on? This is the early show. Portland's gay. My father sucks. Whatever. Supposed to be a compost and hemp. Now we're fist fighting the whores. So I go, this is crazy. And I go, I called the police.

Half the crowd starts booing. They're like, boo. Hey, come on. And then the guy over here goes, what the fuck? And I'm like, so the whole show, I'm like, am I just a Karen piece of shit? But I'm like, there's a guy beating a woman over here. Glasses are getting smashed. At comedy club, waitresses shouldn't be

in between fist fights. Sure, of course. And I'm sorry, I'm an old school guy. If there's a melee, that's what the police are supposed to be for. Yeah, and also, there was security there back when I was banging, is that gone? There's security, but the big scary security guard, he's at the door making sure the hobos and the freaks don't come in, and they don't have the little

phone cord antenna thing. Oh, I need the Secret Service, SS. So he was probably downstairs just kind of picking his nails, making sure the junkies don't come in. Sure. Not realizing there's four cunts smashingies don't come in. Sure. Not realizing there's four cunts smashing each other's face in. Yeah, they're never there when you need them. So some of the crowd booed, people were like, oh, police. I mean half the crowd claps, but I'm like, I guess I'm an asshole. Right.

And then I go, well, it's a crazy weekend because David Cross was in town, Brian Regan was in town, and Theo was in town. Jesus, H.A. Nol, the big four. And a big guy over here goes, yeah, Theo's in town, we wanted to see you, we think you're better. And I said, that's damn right, sir, thank you. And then I go, yeah, and I go, that was a crazy brawl,

what the fuck happened? And someone goes, well, this guy punched a woman in the head. And I go, wait, that was you. Oh, the big guy. He sat back down. Wow. The guy that punched the lady in the head is back sitting there with a cocktail. This is like a whodunit. Everybody's ratting each other out.

I don't know what's going on. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. Can you imagine just blasting a woman in the face and sitting back down with your cocktail? No, I'd be hard and coming. And he's the guy that goes, Theo's in town, but we love you. We wanted to see you. And now I realize I've just come out and confessed when I called the cops on this guy Oh, you're you're narked on the Viking. So now I'm listening

So now I'm pulling back I'm like well I call the cops if my cousin works there I hadn't talked to him in a while Yeah, nobody answered and geez I shouldn't have called that in a while. By the way, they didn't answer. Yeah, nobody answered and, uh, oh geez, I shouldn't have called you. You did the right thing, sir. Punch a woman in the head. Sucker punch a woman in the head, I might add. Yeah, you narked on Chris Brown over here. So I feel terrible and then the whole show sucks because I'm like, am I a piece of shit? I'm a bad guy. But also I'm like, how is this guy still here? Well, he's glad you didn't have the four camera shoot.

That guy would have been front page headline news. Thank God. So we'll fail together. And then, by the way, his wife is like, get out of here. Like, stop it. Shut up. He hits me all the time. I'm next.

And I go, OK, yeah, I won't mention it again. And then about 10 minutes in, the door guy comes over, and you just hear like, you see like, I go, what's going on? And all four of them get up, like gotta go they're asking us to leave and they go we gotta go talk to the cops and I know I feel terrible because the police are outside oh and then Thor's got to walk out that's quite an exit they all walked out and I was like can you come back like can you talk to the cops

and come back they go no we'll see you next and now I think I they hate me I've lost four fans hopefully not I didn't mean to. I just thought There should be some authority here. Sure. Sure. Wow. It's above the waitresses pay grade Yeah, that's it shouldn't be on them Ted Turner. You can't have a fucking brawl in a bar. No, no, that's bananas So they leave and I'm like that was bad. I'm sorry. I have so few fans I can't lose them they get off the patreon because I called the cops on them So is he in jail is he getting plowed and jailed? No, no, it's Portland. Okay, because Portland's one of the cities that actually defunded the police. Ah

There are a bunch of dorks out there. So they only have one line. They went down there and all this plenty of lines They just shoot him into their arm So they go down there I guess and the cops were like, yeah, all right, don't do it again And you better get out you can't go back in whatever All right, I guess the guy knew one of the woman that was getting beat up. So he went to protect Friend or whatever but so he's a good guy, you know Everyone's why you got a punch a bitch in the side of the head it happens If you're a Tuesday you punch in the side of the head. It happens.

If you're a two's gay, you punch all the women you want. I apologize. I shouldn't have called the cops. I'm a bad guy. It's all right in my book. So anyways, so fucking massive melee fisticuffs in the middle of the show, 730 show. Wow, that is wild. I've never heard of a police thing and a guy punching a wall.

I mean, that's quite a tale. It was a crazy tale. And the craziest part was 911 calling me back, being like, hey, we got a missed call. I'm like, that is, they refund the police for the love of fucking Christ. Good Lord. Or else it's going to be mountain men just walking around

hitting whores. It's crazy. And then that night, by the way, we got dropped off at the Hotel Matinee by a Lyft driver. And then that night by the way, we got dropped off at the hotel Matt and I by a Lyft driver and Right as we're pulling up like an alley leading to the hotel. There's like a guy with covered in face tattoos and a skateboard He's just swinging it walking straight towards the car Scariest guy I've ever seen Lyft drops us off the front door the hotel closes at midnight

So we're like this let us in a guy with face face tattoo. I mean, it's like, it's a pot. It's like zombie land out there. It's Mad Max. Not bad. But yeah, that guy was a Theo show. I heard. So I'm like, I'm, we're shaking the fucking thing. I'm like, God damn it. This is crazy. And then I see like a crazy cook walk out the street and I'm like, this is it. And the Lyft driver didn't leave because he saw I was about to jump back in the car. The crazy cook goes, Hey, they're calling you guys. They're over here. The side door is open. So I thought this guy was going

to murder us. He's actually like right over here. You enter over here and we get in the hotel and just a crazy night. It's one of those area downtown Portland where you get in the hotel. You're like, whoo. Wow. But anyways, Portland, they're keeping it weird. But the show is still amazing. By the way, all the shows were great. I love that city despite its, uh, its flaws and lack of police. But I didn't see a single cop by the way, the whole trip. What the hell is happening out there? The Pacific North anal is all is a, just a mishmash of nuts. They got to reboot. You can't have heroin in the streets and refund the police. I understand retraining all that crap, but you need police.

Yeah, it doesn't. I don't know what else to say. You got to have cops. It's just going to fall into place. Like, remember, Seattle had that, what was it? Chaz? Chaz. Chaz. It was like their big they they made an area where they could, it was walled off and it was all like hipsters and Antifa. They were like, in this area laws don't exist or whatever. It was like a compound. Yeah, Portland did that too I think. They had a whole section. It was, it's a little wonked up there. It's cuckoo. It used to be so pretty. The big trees, the Rainier Mountain, the cherries, the ocean, Starbucks, the fish throwing. Yeah.

It's still great. I still love it. But there's parts that you're like, Jesus Christ. But Portland Portland fucking rules. The club is awesome. I love that alphabet district. Forest Park is the most beautiful park in any city in America. Very nice. So thanks to everyone that came out, but boy, and sorry, sir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll send you a onesie. Yeah, a gift packet. But do we have time to squeeze some stuff in here?

What are we at here? We're at 52. Ah! You got two minutes. Yeah, yeah, I know you gotta run, but. No, I'll just say my piece, that's crazy. The food poi and the the mountain man mm so that's a wild night and I've bombed you didn't get that tape

but what could you do Mickey Mantle there it is so I just had a crazy comedy weekend Friday flew to st. Lou met Soder the way, maybe I'm the cheapest, gayest man on the planet. You are. Every hotel that comics get is like a five star beautiful palace. I don't do that. I gotta go garden inn or whatever, Hilton, DoubleTree. Don't you love a nice hotel though? I do, but I just, to me it's not that, not worth it. Oh, I love a nice hotel? I do but I just to me it's not that not worth it

Oh, I love a nice hotel you you go splurge. Oh, why I mean, I'm not booking my own hotel all that often I'm not either occasionally, but yeah, I'll try to get something now I go medium night a little above the midline. I don't say all right Well, we stayed in some fucking castles and we went to st. Louis, did an open for Jim Jeffries at the Fox Theater, beautiful theater. Jim Jeffries is the coolest guy, great hang, cool to open for a guy you like, I watched growing up. I was like, oh, this guy's awesome. Sober now, right? And sober as a judge, divorced kids, the whole thing and great theater and he's got a thing for the disabled. Is that right? Like sexually?

No, not sexually, I don't think. Although that would be very easy. But he's just, if there's any disabled people here, I'll meet you after the show. So after the show, he's like, you want to come out with me? I'm talking to a guy with the hands on the shoulders. I got flipper arm. I got a wheelchair. I got that guy. and you feel good.

Oh wow, maybe I should start hanging out with some disabled people. Get the disabled, because you can shit on them right to their face and they're like, thank you, everybody's so nice to me and treats me like a retard, and I'm like, well you are, and you know you put a broomstick in the spokes and they love it. You can really diss them. You can diss them, I was wheelie in one of them and they did yanking his chair back He was like, whoa I mean we had a great time. No kid

I mean I visited the wounded veterans when I was in Iraq and that was that was not fun, right? It wasn't like what's on your shirt? Bloop. It was more like just sad and like sorry and I'm not a celebrity either So it's kind of like well, it's good to see I, I felt good, but they were like, who's this? Yeah. Where's Gary Sinise? Well, you, I know you appreciate a good story. Nobody's got more stories than Jim Jefferies. I mean, every story you're like, that's incredible.

That's a banger. That's holy shit. That's mind blowing. He had some Jimmy cars to him and Jimmy cars tour together. Two great Jimmy car lines. And then we'll get out of here. Jimmy car. They're meeting the disabled people after the show.

Blind lady, full service dog, big old hound, and he goes, what kind of dog you got there? Blind lady, she goes, German Shepherd, he goes, is that what they told you? Great line, and then he goes up to another guy who's got the hands on the shoulders, real flappies, and he goes, what are you, a small arms dealer? I mean, come on!

That is a funny limey. That's good stuff. So then we pack up, hit the road next day, airport, to Atlanta, the other Fox Theater. Hotlanta. Hotlanta, killer, that was a banger, and then I part ways with Jim and me and Soder fly from

Atlanta the bottom right to Vancouver. That's a hall. Hall Jerry. Jerry Hall and we are running to the airport we got fucked at the Atlanta Airport with the passports and we finally got through ran on the, and then we did the great outdoors fest in Stanley Park outdoor, Fahim, Theo, Santino, Barbosa, Soder, 8,000 people, unbelievable, took the red-eye back, so I flew eight years to get there, did the show, flew right back on JetBlue, landed at 6.30 in the morning. Now, let me ask you, what was the order of that show?

Did you guys flip coins or what? We went to Stanley Park together too. We rented bikes. That's right. Yeah. Talk about a great park. Well, I asked to go early because I had the red eye. So everybody was like, hey, please go up.

So Fahim opened and then I went. And you gotta do full, we're each doing 30. That's a long show. Well Fahim did 15, I did 30, Soder does 30, Santino does 30. Wow. And Theo was just hanging, he did the night before. Oh, okay.

So we'd hang out with Theo because you're like, you're Elvis. You're like, you know, Tom Cruise. It's crazy. He's so famous. He's interviewing the president. Yes, yes. Or the former president. Yes, so that's weird. I knew this guy on Road Rules, you know, in 2001 or whatever.

Right. So crazy and just pretty cool. We got all these great friends. We got these great lives. Fox Theater, Jim Jeffries, Santino, Barbosa. All these people are just making millions of dollars in fans and then just fly back on JetBlue 13F and oh boy that was a bitch. Took a Xanax, conked out. By the way, found some green hulks in my bag. Oh God. So I'm hooked on those again.

And I took one. When you know what it is, you can really utilize it better. I slept the whole way and it was great. That's nice. Yeah, so then I did the dojo last night and here we are. So nothing, everything was out without a hitch. Great time. Just very grateful.

Happy to be alive. I'm gay. What a group. I mean, I love Fahim, one of my all time favorites. The man. That guy makes me howl. So funny. Howl.

Great hang. So silly. I love silly. Yeah. There was somebody we were walking down the street in Vancouver, and a guy had straps hanging off his car window for some reason. I think it was like a construction guy.

And Fahim's like, ah, shit. I forgot. I got to do a workout. And he just starts doing the straps on the car. No one saw that coming, just a good time. He's a silly goose and first class and a handsome boy, I might add, too. Very good looking Afghani.

Yeah. Right? I believe so. Who can tell anymore? I think so. We're all one country. We're all villains. We're all one land.

All right. Well, I guess we got to wrap this up. Sorry I hogged, but some Wild puking and a brawl in the same weekend. Good times. Yeah. You guys were doing it for you. Get on the Patreon. There's more where that came from. Eat my ass. See it. Hell, queef it up. We got, we're going to do some plugs for God's sake. Oh, what do you got there? Right. I love him for Christ. But by the way, we're doing an extra boat. We have a bonus bonus this week. You better believe it.

We shot some fun stuff with no microphone. But it's still cool. Soder's in there, Karen, you are running around. Still sounds better than Rupert. Yeah, and Rupert Pooper. But yes, so town hall coming up November 9th. For the love of Christ, get those tickets. Coming from Jersey, coming from Long Island,

coming from my father's cock into my mother's ass. What else is it? Oh, next weekend or this weekend, I guess, whatever it is, helium. Portland, fucking Philly. I'm all, my mind is motionless. Love it. Philadelphia helium this weekend.

Shooting the new special October 27th at Zany's which I'm very excited about Madison the weekend leading up to it so I got Madison I have Royal Oak the weekend before that big month Philly Royal Oak Madison Chicago good golly gonna be nuts and then town hall and then October 10th I think it might be sold out the Tom Dustin New York premiere There's only about I don't know 10 tickets as we're speaking right now there Freddy. Yeah, I can it might be sold out, the Tom Dustin New York premiere. There's only about, I don't know, 10 tickets as we're speaking right now. I'll see you there, Fetty.

Yeah, I can't wait. That's gonna be awesome. Is Tom coming? Tom's coming. We're doing a Q and A with Bennington afterwards. And then we're gonna do a big one in Boston. Boston people get excited. Big screening, 350 seat at the Armory in Somerville.

Hiya, hiya, hiya. Don't have the date yet. It's getting finalized. And then also I'll be at the Wilbur in April, that's not even announced yet. Oh geez, Louise. But Patriots Day weekend. Man, you're cooking.

So it's big, big, big things going on. Join the Patreon, please, for the love of God. I can't afford this apartment. I spent too much money on the first class flight and I threw up. Hey, there you go. I'll be in Portland soon, can't wait that the Albert Schnitzer Hall, whatever the fuck that is.

That sounds awesome. Sounds fun. Chicago Theater of Might Meet the LD. Yes! I have a weird feeling that's not gonna work out. It's just too perfect. No, it's gonna happen. Yeah, so Chicago, boy oh boy,

MarkNormanComedy.com, follow us on Punch Up. A million dates coming up. Dallas, Houston, I believe Salt Lake. We'll see what happens. I'm going back to clubs. I want to work out this new hour and put it down. Put it down, put it up, put it down. Chuckles.

What do you got, Chuck E. Cheese? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We just dropped an episode with Jeff Tremaine, the director of the Jackass movies. Oh, cool. Yeah, he's coming out with a new show on Paramount Plus. Hey! Sorry, he was right there, Jesus.

Yeah, his new show called Nothing But a Good Time is the history of 80s hair metal. So we put out this episode that's coming out. So that's out now, and then I think by the time this comes out, we will drop the Rick and Morty panel that I moderated with Chris Parnell, and that was really fun. So check that out, I think that's out by this week.

Well, you got a good life. Funbear pod calm and you could be banging lots of girl But you're loyal to this one lady. God bless you. Yeah big mistake I know a couple people that wouldn't mind being in your pants Me too can't even believe it. I don't know any Well, I made it up. All right, join the patreon Georgia's saying cut it leave Leave a comment, like us, follow us, whatever the first.