Tuesdays with Stories! - #575 Rudd the Room

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Paul Rudd! Kings of Leon! Richard Kind! Dropkick Murphys! Jude Law! What is this, an Oscar party?! Nope - it's Tuesdays!!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 15% off your Lumen. Head to https://www.lumen.me/TUESDAYS  - Support the show & try Shopify’s $1 per month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and get 10% off your Jack Black order and free shipping. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.getjackblack.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what way. Woo! Back on the couch! Here we are. Almost had it. We're here. Hat it. Aha! I don't know.

Alright, there we go. The Mad Hatter. Now this is it. We're here. Hat it. Uh huh. I don't know. I'm telling you. Alright, there we go, the mad hatter. Now this is it. By the way, we gotta talk about this real quick. I know it was a month ago, we're behind, whatever. RIP to the old studio. The most unceremonious leave of all time. We weren't even aware. We're dead inside. Were you aware? No, I mean I knew we were leaving leaving but then when it happened I just got a photo from Chuck. There was just a empty room with no Cups no wallpaper. No jizz. No nothing. It's crazy think we'll never see that woman who had a thing for Chuck Oh the large Latina at the desk who I thought hated us but turned out she liked us

Well, you gotta think it's a bunch of stuffy suits walking around in there suing people and Jews, and we come in there, yee-haw, woo woo woo woo woo, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw. We were screaming there, we never belonged there. I'll never go to that gym again. We'll never go to that Shage-a-Bowley again. Yeah, that's right, I fucked that place. It's a whole world over there.

I'll never set foot over there. I'm having this too because I'm moving, you're moving, we're moving studios and homes at the same time. I know. Babies on the way, baby shitting, it's a mess. It's crazy and we didn't do any kind of pour one out, say a prayer, fuck in the ass, nothing. No sage, no incense, no nothing. You're right. Yeah, we should have at least gone in there and, you know, prayed to Hasb- what's that word? Antifa? No, Allah. Allah. Allah. Think about it and get back to you. Allah mode. And the lady, we should have slipped a door, a note to the lady, sorry about saying cunt

while you were working and sorry you're overweight, you know. Sure, sure, yeah. We'll get her some Mozambique on the way out. But yeah, we had a good run, some ups and downs in that place, but mostly down syndrome. But we made it work and who knows what's next? So we've been noodling on some places, but nothing's biting. How long were we there for? Two years, two and a half. Right. I think it's more than that. Wow. How long were we there for? Two years? Two and a half? Right? I think it's more than that. Wow.

Because Shelby, I haven't seen Shelby since 1986. He got that place. He set the whole cunt up. And also Shelby bought a bunch of shit on our dime, which I wasn't even aware of. But now it's kind of cool. We own like a studio. We own three Lumix cameras and two lights and a partridge in a pear tree and a bag of trash. Well, we're never going to see it. I think Chuck's got a, a orgy shoot cooking for that shit.

That Lumix is gone. No, it's ours. Fuck that. We know where he lives. But when are you going to learn to use that, that lens? Press record. How hard is it? Look at Lex. He's doing it. He's like an ex con. He's coming to tattoos, he's been shot, he knows how to do it. That's true, but they know how to twist the front and push buttons on the back and put a couple of sticks up its ass. What are you crazy? Salacuse has shot, never been in focus once his whole life. The guy's a millionaire. That's true. I don't know about that. I've seen his apartment. He's got, he's living the high life. He shot Ron on special. He broke four of the cameras and the other two didn't work.

Well, uh, the Tom Dustin doc I heard looks like, uh, Muhammad Ali shot him. It's an art piece, okay? Sure the main subject is in focus, none of the film. Alright, alright. No one seemed to mind. Well, if you, if you film Tom Dustin, who's got the TDs, it kind of evens out.

The Tom Dustins. Oh! There it is. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. All right. But yeah, so we're never going back to the studio. I think we were there three years at least. Yeah, all right.

Maybe three. I don't know. We've been doing the show since 1946. Well, we kicked out a couple of lawyers at the beginning. We were so loud. We're yelling, fuck retarded children. And I think we were doing it. Yeah. And six guys on the phone said, I've had it. And they hung up and they packed it up and they hit the road.

So it's over. It's over for both. And now we have no studio. But I think we're going to do in my home. Let's do it in your home. With my wife's sleeves, my children play with their toys. Plus we'll save $800 a month. That's not nothing. Hey, yeah, that's way more than we're paying, way less than we're paying Chuck. So yeah, we need to save a couple of clams.

That's not bad. So 800 bucks a month each, plus the Patreon is throw it a roof. Yeah, I mean the content is top-notch next level the tits jerry it's lunch we got the tits we got uh nick topolo nate bargatzi eddie pepito jota rosa sam talent how come i keep forgetting sam i don't know it's a little hurtful well he's a huge he's a patreon member he's a huge man, I know he never misses the show so we appreciate it and he came in guns a blazing Yeah, he blazed he gunned and he Little extra spicy if you recall, oh Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, he threw some real spice on the cake

And he threw that I didn't even realize it we go, you know, you just said that he goes. Oh jeez I did Yeah, it was a day. We were making eye contact. I could feel the air. I felt the earth move under my feet. But of all the places to make a slip of the tongue, Skankfest, that's where you want to be. It's a safe space. Isn't that ironic? Our comedy podcast is a safe space. Well I was going to say that the previous previous episode we were talking about Skankfest and the naked roast and it is the most inclusive, you know, they did the naked roast where everyone gets naked and there was a woman that came out and she had like, she takes her shirt

off and her bra, nice set of tits and then takes a pair of underwear off. She has underwear underneath, that old gag. Takes another pair of underwear, another three pairs of underwear, lady underwear, keeps going and then plop out comes a dick. No. Beautiful woman, long hair, eyeliner, eyeshadow, rouge and nice titties and big cock. Wow. And no one went, ah, everyone went, yeah.

Wow, look at that, progressive. So it's a progressive festival. Wow, wait a minute, wait a minute. So was it a lady with a dick or was it a guy who used to be a guy and now is a lady? Well, what is it? I think it's a lady that has a dick. I guess that settles it. Yeah.

Okay, well, call DeRosa because we got a new partner. I mean, DeRosa's got to keep topping himself. I mean, this guy, he goes hard. I'm a little worried about DeRosa he's 51 years old and he puts him back. He drinks. He puts him back and puts it up. Drugs yeah but boy he gets funnier and funnier. I mean he had some great lines at that festival. He's a funny guy. Did you watch the RE show? We'll move on from Skankfest but the Ari secret show. I was gone. I was on a plane home Nelly, I mean they were saying shit where I was clenching pearls. Oh, no I mean shit about a couple guys got called out in the room. Oh boy

They had to hear their own beating in front of them That's why I would never go to that show and now there's anyone yell out Ari and jota rosa cuz I could do a couple Of zingers on old Ari. Well they tend to do it to each other throughout. Oh I see. When it comes up. Ah. Cause Ari will be like, well you did that. And Joe's like, what, what, well you did this.

And then now they're at each other. So it kind of works out. I don't know, this show's a great idea. I feel like it's going to end relationships. Yeah. It's fun to watch as a bystander. You just pray to Allah they don't say your name. Right. Yeah, Ari's 56, took a shit on the stage, came up with his dick and balls out on you know what dude. As I've always said, is it that hard to write a joke? Yeah.

But he got a Netflix special. That's what I said. I went on stage the next day and I go, these guys won't return my emails. Right. This man's taking a bloody diarrhea shit to announce that he has a Netflix special. I got my manager and agent mother calling them left and right threatening to cancel their subscriptions. I know. By the way, that's on video. That's already out in the world. People are sharing it, spreading it. It's already fully nude, like in the Terminator when he shows up and he just shits a bloody turd, Turtonator, right on the stage. Yeah. With a note in it that said,

ooh, Netflix. Good thing it wasn't fucking CISO. They would have been a waste of his shit. But, all right, enough skank-fist. All right, all right. Shut it down, because I got all kinds of stuff. You got stuff. I got stuff. Where have you been?

Shove something in my ass and see if I come. Let me go way back to ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy y to a couple of moons ago my birthday. . Pretty close. I thought we were fighting. No, no. I love you. Well, that's a tough matzo ball. Alright, keep it going. Alright, I'll write it back later. Alright. I can't do it face to face. Which I would argue is more emotional.

People go, hey, you got no emotion. I'm like, no, I feel like I'm so emotional that I can't do it. Does that make sense? Nope. Okay. So, it's too much emotion. Right. If I had less emotion, it would be easy to say it.

Right. Alright. It's an argument. Yeah. Okay. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, my birthday. Your birthday.

What would have been worse if I hearted it or is that better? No, heart would have been nice. Ah, I thought about that. Heart would have been worse if I hearted it, or is that better? No, heart would have been nice. Ah, I thought of it. Heart would have been like, oh nice, okay, good. That makes sense. Well, you know how sometimes you'll heart a guy's tweet and he'll go, no retweet, but you heart it? And you're like, well, I could have done nothing.

Nah, those are assholes. Okay, well, I'm thinking of a certain guy. But I didn't know, I thought about hearting it, and then I was like, oh, that might be insulting. So I should have hearted. That's Tanya Heart, oh, that might be insulting. So I should have hardened. Now I know. Nice Tanya Hart. Brett Hart. Tanya Harding. Owen Hart.

All right. Heart attack. So birthday. So birthday. Tickets to Kings of Leon at Forest Hill Stadium. Nice. Your neck of the woods here out in Queens. My former neck of the woods. I'm going to miss it. Tennis. Yeah. Fuck. It's a beautiful area that Forest Hills. So we hightail it up there and I try to get there

right on time for the band but I didn't know there was an opener. We missed the opener. Now we got, I went through my agent so he got me the primo VIP bullshit tickets. So we're like hey look at this. We go up to the general pop and they go, Whoa, whoa, you got to go to will call. They got your tickets. And I go, where's will call? They go all the way over there. We walk over there. You show up at will call. And it's like, that guy's in a band. That guy's wearing a cowboy hat. Like you tell it was a who's who. The holla women are hotter. They're all in cowboy boots and hottest shit leather. And you're like, oh, we're in the mix.

And how about this? They're pointing at you and going, hey, there's that guy from The Tonight Show. Yeah, a little bit, maybe not too much. No one knew me, but I appreciate it. So then we go through the back way. The back way is beautiful because there's a bar and food set up. Oh, I love the back way. So you're just like, wait, let me get some drinks while we go in.

And you can hear a band off of the distance. And you're like, that's the opener, right? It was Kings of Leia. We're missing it. So I get 17 high noons. I just put them all in. I got the pregnant wife here. We're walking in and it's, we're looking at the ticket,

4B, Row 19, whatever it is. And you're like, where's 4B? Where's 19? And just floods of people everywhere and this guy goes 2's gay. Whoa. Hey how you doing? 2's gay. How you doing? So now I'm getting mobbed. We got all these gays out here. I knew you'd get mobbed. I got mobbed and mobbed deep and then this one guy with a badge, a whistle and a hat goes get over here and I And I was like, uh oh. And he goes, fuck that shit. Let me see your ticket.

He goes, this seat sucks, come with me. Love a come with me. So you got the VIP from the agent and you're still getting even more hooked up. Yeah, yeah, cause this VIP is nice, but this guy, he's got keys. Keys. He's got a big ring of keys.

Interesting, the black keys. Yes. So we got a big ring of keys. Interesting, the black keys. Yes. So we go, he goes back in, we go to this back door and there's a big black guy, a black key standing there and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he goes, hey, Reggie, they're with me. And he goes, all right, all right, all right. Guy does the key, opens this weird big door. We go back there.

Now we're in the bowels of Forest Hill Stadium. Whoa. You know, like the weird, the whole thing's a circle. So we're in this circular tunnel going down behind the stage. You can see the Kings of Leon. They're like, they're up above you, you know? Wow.

And it's crazy. So we're like, whoa, and there's hot women going by and like a guy with a food cart going by and a bartender going by. It's a whole thing, this guy working on guitars, and this is the guy polishing some drums, and you're like, holy shit. Then he goes, all right, I think this is the right door.

Opens the door, it's like one of these half doors, little door, looks like we're going into like Narnia or something, opens the half door, he goes, duck in, we get in there, it's an office. We're like, oh, this is weird, there's an office. And he goes, go through that door there, I'll be back, I'm busy. This is one of the craziest things I've ever heard

in my life. So we go through this back door, through the office. And your wife is six months pregnant. Six months pregnant, and she doesn't know what's going on. So I got the high noons, I got the wife, I open this door. It's the sound booth. I'm behind, I have a photo of it. We'll send it to Lex, we'll put it up there. I'm behind the sound guy with the, you know, the big board with the knobs on it.

Wow, the knob board. Knob board, knob creek, and I go, uh, holy shit, and he goes, just sit right here, and he gave us two stools. Now we're sitting behind the sound guy. He goes, and I go, all right. And there's eight guys with monitors and screens and all this. And I got the band right there. Perfect view, line of sight, amazing show. Wow. Okay.

So let me ask you this, because sometimes this happens. I was like, I remember when I was a boy drinking, you'd go to a bar because you go, I know the bartender. Yeah. And then they would hook you up quote unquote. Yeah. Give you like a rum and Coke with 10 ounces of rum and four ounces of Coke. You'd be like, there you go. But I'm like, well now my drink tastes like shit and I'm in a blackout. Yeah. And I feel like I have to tip $900. Right. And I did a joke about this where I said, you're hooking me up with cirrhosis. You'll get me now. Cause whatever these VIP seats...

Go cirrhosis. They might have been front row over here. Yeah. And sometimes the sound booth, as exciting and crazy as that is, now you've got people working in front of you, you've got lights underneath your face. Were they amazing? It was pretty cool because A, I don't know where those seats were, and you're gonna be with people. This was, we had our own.

Private's nice. We had our own private, it felt like a suite. I mean, this is roomy, this is the Forest Hills sound booth, so it ain't no slouch. Wow. You know? Right. And I think I was in there with four or five people. Wow. There was a lady on the ones and twos,

there was a guy standing up with the big, whoo, I could see him bring the lights down, you know? And yeah. And you just felt cool back there. And I would leave and the bar was right out the little small door. I'd go back, get some drinks, got her a seltzer. And it just felt, you had some room, she's fat. You know, it felt nice.

Yeah, that sounds amazing. I just, I'll say this again. One last thing though, because sometimes a concert by yourself is scary in its own way. Because I'm at a concert, I'm like this, fucking. Yeah. Isolated, people are like, what's with the retarded kid over here?

Oh, I was that guy. So that's scary too Cuz I'm like playing my leg. Yes I want to be covered in in jizz but with the fans Well, I was half in the bag by minute 20 So I was like doing all that and I'm hitting their stomach like it's a snare and all that shit And I think I killed the baby But let's hope you've got a perfect sight because they have to be able to see. They're the engineers, Jerry. Right.

The sight line is nice. I'd be afraid too. I'd be distra- I mean, it sounds amazing and I'm poo-pooing, but I'd also be afraid. I'd get stuck looking at the guy. I'd be like, what'd you do? You slid that up? I did. I did a little of that.

Were you going left? Left for me? Is that the woofer? Yeah. And then I'm just missing the show because I'm watching them conduct and do the maestro. I did get a McKemba. I go, wrong knob. He goes, oh wow.

Like, don't fuck with me. Yeah, yeah. I don't know you. I don't care McKembae I go wrong knob he goes oh don't fuck with me yeah I don't know you I don't care who you are you're lucky to be here I could get rid of you in two seconds. I'd be like let me push one knob. Come on! How hard can it be? The buttons. You move a knob. I feel like that with an airplane too I want to just get in that cockpit and hit that yoke. Every switch. Now do you have any more respect for Rick Rubin now because you're a big Rubin hater. Yeah. The Rubinator. Can you? Good sandwich, though.

Did you watch them and go, hey, maybe they're onto something here? Who, them? Yeah, the Switchers, the ones and twos. Yeah, well, to back my point up, Rubin doesn't know how to use a soundboard. Oh, he knows how to use a soundboard. He committed to it.

No, I watched the fucking thing with Paul McCartney. He's working the soundboard. He did a whole doc. It's him and McCartney. He's touching knobs the whole time. I think he was f to it. No, I watched the fucking thing with my Paul McCartney. He's working the soundboard in a whole dock It's him and McCartney's touching knobs the whole time. I think he was faking it like me was Street Fighter I'm just hitting buttons, you know, I don't actually know how to I you got he knows how to use a goddamn soundboard Yeah, I think he's come clean on that. I think he does a lot of this You know, I think he's like Denzel in flight.

He's just hitting switches. That's funny because I had this, weren't you here, Alex? I had the argument with Salakus on this very couch because Salakus said he doesn't play guitar and I'm like, he plays guitar. And we had this big fight. He might play guitar, but he can't use a soundboard or a shoe, apparently. A shoe? He doesn't wear shoes.

Oh, right. So shoe me. Thank you. But pull up clips of him and Paul McCartney. A shoe. He doesn't wear shoes. Oh right, so shoe me. Thank you! Pull up clips of him and Paul McCartney. He's pulling down the soundboard. He's working it. He's turning off the lights in the green room.

In an interview in 2023, after 60 minutes, Rubin said he doesn't have any technical ability and can't work a soundboard. Bangerang, Rufio! Those are his words, but he's humble. He's a humble man. I didn't think about that. He's practicing humility. Yes, yes.

It's the same way I go, hey, I can't do, I can't, I can't, you know, fuck my wife in the ass, but of course I can. You spit on it. It's not as easy as you think. Have you watched the thing with him and McCartney? He's touching the soundboard. He pulls it up and goes, if you pull this down,

you push this up, so he knows how to work it in some degree That's a good point he's making the sounds different and it goes boop boop boop boop. It's like a kid with a Fisher-Price kitchen You know, they're like, oh, they're turning knobs and they're flipping eggs. It's all pipes. It's fake I've seen him touch a soundboard. Wow. I've touched one. I've taken a shit on one. I I've seen him touch a soundboard. Well, I've touched one. I've taken a shit on one. I Think you're right. Well, he's pulling the sound that's it's the sound board. He's turning the sound down. I'm bored He's doing something with the cello right on there easy he's doing a sound I sound bored Yeah, listen to him talk, but I know what you mean, but he's played the guitar, he's touched the soundboard.

I'll give him guitar, I'll give him guitar. All right, guitar he's in. But he's worthless, he's got nothing, he's the, it's almost a, he's the biggest hoax in the business, the guy's selling snake oil to these Tom Petty's of the world, and he's making mills. I told you, I think we talked about it, maybe it was on the pod, or maybe it was off air,

but yeah, like Black Sabbath, he worked with them and he was like, pretend you are not Heavy Metal. You were around before Heavy Metal, only back in four days and they were like, what the fuck's this bloke talking about? Yeah, I've always said Ozzy is very clear minded. How about he produced Andrew Dice Clay's album? And that one stunk.

Rick Rubin, isn't that weird? And you're like, what does he do on a comedy album? I know, the guy's, he's a genius. Andrew Dice Clay's album. And that one stunk. Rick Rubin. Isn't that weird? What does he do on a comedy album? I know, the guy's, he's a genius. I mean, he can get in any room and do nothing and get a huge fat check. He probably turns the laughs up. The volume, yes.

The volume knob. It was not the volume knob. It was a separate volume knob. Pump up the volume. I think they were named that after Rubin. Now the volume knob fell off. There it is. Two different volume knob. Pump up the volume. I think they were named that after Ruben. Now the volume knob fell off. There it is. Two different volume knob lines from Seinfeld.

Anyways, how did we get on Ruben? Oh, the soundboard. So King's A Leon, KOL, it kicked ass. Kicked ass and they play the hits at the end. They really encore it up. What is an encore? Just do it. They like that ego jizz where they walk out and they come back and everybody goes...

Well, they need a break. They got gotta take a breather. I guess. You come back and I think a proper good band they're coming up with what are we gonna play what do you want to play and I think they like this they'll come with that let's go do that. You know what else I was privy to in this soundboard room the set list was taped up to the wall. See, now that I don't care for. Oh, I like it because you knew where you're at. You go, I hate that song. I'm getting a cocktail. Oh, that part's nice. Wouldn't you just know that when you hear the song?

I guess. I guess. When you hear the beginning of the song, you're like, oh, that's the song. Yeah, that's true. But knowing what songs, because I don't have the discipline to not look over there. And then now I'm like, now I know what's next. Yeah. I had somebody did a Pearl Jam show and they set, they saw the set list for whatever reason they said to them. Like, Oh fuck. Right. I'm like, I know I already, I saw the first three songs. That's part of the show. Well, let me ask you this. When you're on a flight,

yes. Do you ever watch the flight tracker? No. Oh, I love the flight tracker. No, I don't want to know. I mean, I'll check it periodically to go. I feel like we're, I try not to, if it's a six hour flight, I won't look for like three, four hours. So it goes by. Now when it looks like it's low, I'm like, okay, an hour and a half, I can do that. Interesting. But people that just watch the flight tracker tick down, that's insane to me. Oh, I'm not watching it with a cup of popcorn, but I like to check in every five minutes. I like to know where we're at, where we're not at, what state we're over. I like to see the map.

I love a good, that's my real autism is I can stare at a map for four days. I mean, I like a map, but I'm not a flight map because it's barely moving. I mean, I stare at the map all fucking ding dong day, but I'm a Google map because it's barely moving. I mean I stare at the map all fucking ding-dong day but I'm on the Google map and I'm moving it and shaking it and looking at this and I'm like how far to this place to that place why don't we go this place this is more of a peninsula. Right. I like that but they're just the airplane map now. I can't focus on the goddamn plane. I can't watch it. I watched 10 minutes of a film. I was on that flight with Fia and she's like why do you keep watching 10 minutes of every movie? I'm like shut the fuck up

I do the same thing. I do the same thing you want to keep it moving you want to shuffle Well, you can't settle in cuz everyone screens are on so my fucking brain is going haywire plus I'm hard and you know I'm trying to finger her up. She falls asleep. I get a boner on planes, too I don't know if it's the low hum or the hum humdinger or whatever it is, but I always Flag at full staff well I don't know if it's the low hum or the hum humdinger or whatever it is, but I always Flag at full staff. Well, I just go right down the pants and play with it on a red eye Why not? People are sleeping exactly but also I gotta say this. I'm a little depressed. I don't know what's happening to my life I just went to skankfest. I was there Thursday night Friday night Saturday night Sunday night came home Monday

Yeah, and realized I never jerked off one time there Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday night, came home Monday. Yeah. And realized I never jerked off one time. What? That's all I did. I'm an old man. I'm 42. Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And I was like, I haven't even had a boner in four days because I was so running around

focused. But before you would check in and just jerk off. Guilty. And no jerk off for four days. It was nice. I plowed my wife and I just gave her a real Dairy Queen fucking blizzard. Was she there? A jizzard? No, no. If she was there, I would have been fucking every night. Oh, cause he banged her before you left. Banger for that bang when I came home. But I was like, I made it's a good sign that I just was off on my own for four days. Not even rubbing

one out. I mean, I figured you'd be on baby duty, you'd be on wife duty. I figured you'd get in that hotel and just paint the town white. Well, that's the thing, I'm on baby duty. So when I get there, I'm like, I'll watch the Vince McMahon doc, and then you're just sitting there

watching The Ultimate Warrior, and I'm like, that's not getting me off like it did when I was a kid. Sure, sure, stepping to a jerk off. So yeah, I just was, and then you're just, I'm wiped out, I'm exhausted, and Monas is so beautiful, but I don't wanna fuck him. No, but he's got a big ol' soup cooler,

doesn't he, from here to here? Too many teeth look. Yeah, good look. Beautiful Ju-Fro, he's six foot seven, if he's a foot, he's a dreamboat. I feel like if you get, right when I check in, I get in a hotel, it's the first thing I think about. I used to be that way, that's what I'm saying.

This is what's so jarring about it, you see? Yeah, yeah, I feel like I don't know you. You're like Rick Rubin. I know, I got a bar of soap in my ass and it's not getting me hard. Dick Rubin. But yeah, wow, I'm shocked. Well, hey, let me know next time you rub one out.

I will, I don't rub one out that often now because I have sex pretty regularly and then when I'm not, I'm tired. I find they're both different. They're different meals, you know, like both are great, but I, I, even though I'm getting laid with the wife nonstop, I still like to have my jerk time. Yeah. And usually I do on the road. It's just, I think skank vest. I was so busy. Yeah. And, uh, and also it's skank vest. We talked about it last week. There's some better looking girls, but still, there's a lot of, I'm seeing Zac Amico shirtless.

No. I'm seeing Luis Gomez in eyeliner. It's not exactly a hot weekend. No. The Skankfest guys are what you think of when you're trying to last. Right. You know, when I'm plowing the wife and she's not there yet, I'm going all Amico. Right, right.

It's a good point. Yeah. All right. Well, what do you got? I hogged it with little Kings of Lee. Right, right. It's a good point. Yeah. All right. Well, what do you got? I hogged it with little Kings of Lee. No, no. It's great.

I mean, that sounds fucking amazing. I love a hookup. It was pretty great. Hookup was big. I've never sat in a sound booth before. I got it. I wish I knew the guy's name who got us back there. He's this cool guy with a bunch of keys, and he was a good egg.

And I felt bad. He was on the way out. The black guy watching the door was so nice. And I go, can I get you anything? And he goes, a Red Bull? And I go, I'm getting you a Red Bull. And I went to every stand and they were closed and I just left. You're like Kramer with Bet Miser. I know, I felt like that. I was running up and down. Tooty fruity.

You are so freaking talented. Well, I got a lot. I was also at a rock and roll show. I went and saw the Dropkick Murphys for the first time in 18 years. I used to go back on St. Patrick's Day, back in Boston in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, back in those days. This has gotta be the highest count of gingers in America at that show.

Oh, it's just blonde eyelashes and backwards Patriots hats. But this is New York, so this is a little more, some Yankee caps, and of course they're from Boston, or Ken Casey's from Boston, so everything he says is like, I don't like that yet, and they're like, fuck you, it was really tense. Oh wow.

But it was fun, and Jason, I went with Cantor, he got us hooked up, and it's been like the longest period in between seeing the same band, like I saw them last time in 06 or something. So it's been 18 years. You've changed so much. Yes, and so has the rest of the crowd. It's funny because I used to go as a boy

and now I'm seeing everyone. We're all in our 40s and 50s and I aged the best of anybody at the show. I'll tell you that. Hey, there you go. Yeah, there was some real ugo puggos. Well, it's dropkick Murphy fans who never got sober. Exactly, it's some of the fattest, grossest women just Dropkick Murphy fans who never got sober. Exactly.

It's some of the fattest, grossest women I've ever seen, although he's sober. But we go there and then Kanner's like, hey, it turns out I have four tickets. Do you know anyone who wants to go? And I'm like, Dropkick Murphy's at the southern tip of Manhattan, 90 minutes before showtime. That's a tough sell. I mean, it's a pretty niche group to begin with. Yeah, You got to hit every Mick and O'Neill on your phone. Well, I tell that's a lot of, that's a lot of people. So I, most of them live in Boston. So I texted Ari and he goes, God, I'd love to, but I'm, you know, taking a bloody shit that I'm going to eat

for YouTube. And then I texted sagalow and he's, I don't know what the hell he was doing. He had his one spot or whatever yeah and I go no one's gonna want to go to fucking I texted Matt Wayne he couldn't go and although Matt Wayne give me an ambiguous text he wrote never really got into them but it's a great night for a concert thanks buddy I think that means I'm not a fan of the the band yeah but doesn't it couldn't echo go either way, weirdly? Should've just hearted it. That's not even, I read it and I was like,

oh, he's not coming and I was like, wait, is he coming? It's a little vague, it's open-ended. Because it's never really got into them, but it's a great night for a concert, thank you. Yeah. So I'm like, wait, you wanted to make sure? I was like, are you coming or not? It felt like George with the wink with Tim Sremer. I'm like, just can't, I couldn It felt like George with the wink, with Tim's Kramer.

I'm like, just kid fire, I couldn't tell. Pulp can move, baby. Cause there's nothing worse than being like, ah, he's out and then he's just outside crying. He's like, where's my ticket? And I'm like, I gave it to a hobo. That's on him. I think that was a soft let down, it was very soft.

He was out. Yeah, he was out. But so then I get down there and as I'm pulling in, first of all, it's also annoying cause it's like a 45 minute ride And it's eight minutes from where I'm moving to Like in two weeks I could walk to this concert. That's a bitch now. I'm in a $75 car ride I get down there. It's right across from Pace University. I go my niece goes to pace

I text her I go. I don't know if you're into this band She's in the country music you probably never heard of them, but cool uncle. It's a free ticket It's an eight minuteminute walk and she goes I'll be right over I'm the hero she comes over and then I talked to security we've already scanned. It's four passes in one ticket We've already scanned the two So they're like you can't leave and it's gonna be hard You can't transfer the ticket because it's already been used and he goes let me talk to my superior officer

Uh-huh goes over gets a security guy black guy comes over the yellow vest. He goes. Oh shit because it's already been used. And he goes, let me talk to my superior officer. Goes over, gets a security guy, black guy, comes over with a yellow vest and he goes, oh shit, Joe List? Oh, two for two at the concert. He goes, Joe List, you need something done? And I go, oh yeah, my niece. He goes, Joe List, niece, I'll be right back.

Oh. So now it's scary, because she's from Whitman. I gotta call her and be like, okay, it's a black man who's gonna come get you, but not in the way my grandmother warned you about. Right, right. No need to use the family whistle. He's a good guy.

So I'm like, hopefully this guy's cool. He knows me, whatever. So he goes down there, he brings her up. She's, you know, duct tape and hogtied and crying. I'm kidding, he was awesome. He hooked it right up. Hell yeah. Killer, but it's so crazy to have a guy be like, oh, Joe List, yeah, I'll go get your knees.

Love a yellow vest black. So she came in, so this is exciting, because she's gone to all these country shows at Gillette Stadium. Wow. She's like, this is the closest I've ever been to the band ever, because we're like, it's drop kick, so we're like 10 feet away or whatever. The show rules. I don't know that she loved it, but it was exciting for her to see a band up close

in this bagpipe, so she's like, this is crazy. Hell yeah. And she's young, so she's just like, I just walked 10 minutes and now I'm at a rock concert. Yeah. And I don't think she's ever seen a mosh pit. I was like, look at the mosh pit, have you ever seen a mosh pit?

Wow. And she's like this, a what? Oh, how weird is that? The tiger shark guy in Jaws, she's like, a what? And I'm pointing, I'm like, look at it. And then you see like the guys are in their 50s in the pit and they're doing the thing and the fun. And that was great fun.

And the show kicked ass. So I walked her back to school. Oh yeah, and then this one, what do you make of this? Walked her back to school is such a weird sentence. Very strange. Tuesdays with stories is also brought to you by Shopify. Are you tired of abandoned carts in your online shop? You need Shopify.

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Tuesdays, so they know we sent you. Seriously, use this stuff. It rules. I love it. My wife loves that I'm using it. Thanks to you. Back to the show. What do you make of this? So drop kicks, it used to be a lot of fights there. It's very fighty. It's like fucking, yeah, it's aggro. Stand up and fight and I'll stand up with you. And it's a real fighty Boston Irish dropkick Yes

It was always like that and they used to be play on like Lansdowne Street in Boston Which is like where the nightclubs were so it'd be like the kind of punks beating up the nightclub But now we're all fucking retiring age right, but there's still a little bit of that Oh, it's in there So I had a drunk hammered guy with blacks, like blue blockers on, sunglasses and a Celtics hat. Uh oh. And he, I could tell you, I kept seeing him because he was just hammered, walks up to me,

it's me and Canter and my niece, and there's like a plastic cocktail cup on the ground, like at my feet, and the guy walks up, you're me, and he just goes like this. Oh. And he's like kicking it against my feet. What the fuck, is he an umpire? I think that's what he was like.

And he was like trying to bait me. I feel like I handled it quite well. I was like this. And he was like making eye contact but he's kicking the cup at me. And I'm going like this. And I just started looking over him at the show and I'm like that.

Yeah, fucking ba-da-ba-da-da. Fucking better. But dad, I boo. I ignore. He walks around. Then he's back this way and he leans back around like here, like this. Oh, man. Like that. And my niece is here. And I'm like this, but did it. But boo. Now I have to say, you know, I have some fight training this year. Sure. It's been in a million street fights because he has's a dipshit. Yeah, he's also hammered. Oh, you got there I'm thinking I'm like I think I could handle this guy. He's in a fucking blackout I got canter over here, but he's like getting married a couple weeks. He's like I can't get in a fight and I'm like I Understand but maybe you could get back me up. You could throw a fucking punch to the side of the head But he's got a buddy also and now he's behind me. So it's a little tricky because this guy wants to fight somebody.

He's antagonizing. He's antagonizing. And your uncle. And he's behind me. But I got my niece here. And so he kind of, he goes, I'm sorry, man, I had to, I saw the cup and I had to. I went, okay, cool, bro. And then just kept watching the show. And then I heard him go, man, I cannot get anybody to fucking fight me. I overhear him. So he's literally trying to fight. And you're like, what are you doing? I know. And also I'm like, go find a homeless guy.

Oh no, fuck it. We're at, we're downtown. Why do you come to a show of a, seemingly you like the band. We like the band. Why are you fucking up people's night? I know, well I think people go there, it's almost like going to a strip club, you're like maybe I'll get laid, I hope I get laid, I'm gonna go to this other thing to get into a fight, this dropkick Murphy show, this is where I'll fight and get it out, it's just two different versions

of connecting with someone and getting out aggression, fucking and fighting. Well that's the thing, and I grew up like that. It was like that, or where I, I didn't grow up like that. Where I grew up was like that, I should say. It's like Good Will Hunting, that thing of like, let's go fuck up some smart kids. Yeah, yeah. And that's what we used to do there.

I keep saying we, people at the show. I always was avoiding fights, even in my 20s. But it's like, go, like I said, go fight a fucking guy who's drunk in the street. I know. You're gonna get thrown out, you're gonna get me thrown out of the show. I know, I bought a ticket.

It sucks. Also, if the guy's, you know, legless, one of these across the kisser, he's out. It's not even a fight. Yeah, of course I had that thought. My heart's like racing because I'm like, I'm so much quicker than this guy. Yeah. But he's got his buddy and now all of a sudden we're in a melee, and I'm thrown out of the show. I got my fucking 20-year-old niece here.

Yeah, get down on your knees. And in general, just fighting is never going to go great. You're going to fuck up your hand, your wrist, your finger. You get to go to jail. And then now I'm spending the night in downtown Manhattan jail. And it's not even a good fight story. What happened?

I got fucked your wife. Nah, I kicked a cup, kicked a plastic cup in the middle of fucking, you know, Irish Rover. Yeah. But it was annoying. But the best part of the show was, you know, they're a big, big pro union band and they're singing this union fight song and this guy in the front row starts climbing up to the thing and big black security guy starts pulling him down and kind of fighting with him and then Ken Casey the leader of the band just grabs the security guy and goes get out of here wow lets this guy up this guy crawls up on stage he's got a big like IBEW or maybe it was iron workers union. This is the biggest guy I've ever seen, biggest drunkest scariest guy. Guy looks like he weighs 240 he's in the iron workers union. He's just running amok on stage and the drop kicks are just playing

and letting him go. I'm like this is crazy. And he was getting in the microphone and singing they got their arm around him. I'm like this is crazy. Any other band would have him shot and kick him back in the thing and they'll rest him, mace him. This guy was just part of the band for a song. He's probably their niece. I mean, he knows these guys, I'm sure. It was crazy and the security guard, I couldn't believe it. He was just like, he must've been like, what is going on?

Okay, just let him in there. I always, I had the same thought when I was watching Kingsley and I had taken a few shrooms, which is weird because the wife is sober. So I'm always like is this is this annoying to you? She's like no, I like living through you. So you take them. She's bored. Yeah, she hates sober you sound bored. Yeah So I'm I'm on the the shrooms. I'm looking up at the audience and there's a security guard young black guy This kid probably lives in Queens, he got a job at Forest Hill Stadium and I'm like,

he must just be studying the honkeys, you know? It's a sea of white people just like, yucking it up and dancing to rock music and I always wonder like this is every stereotype, no one can dance, it's all stiff crackers out there, and I just, now I'm on shrooms thinking about what he's thinking, but I gotta tell you, there was a few times where I caught him swaying. Oh, really? And I felt connected to him, because I was like, we're all the same man, black, white, who gives a shit about the stereotypes and George Floyd, let's enjoy this.

No one gives a shit about George Floyd. Alright, well I wonder if your big black guy at the Dropkick Mervin, you couldn't get a whiter show. Right. It's the most Irish show on the planet and there's a mosh pit, there's Iron Worker, there's pasty, there's red hair, there's no potato famine, but he's just staring at everybody like, oh, this is going to be a crazy show. Right.

This is a white show. There's also something I think I think about again people are older now. There's something about Less not in all situations, but sometimes less security is better like the more you try to be like get the fuck down The more hostile they get the more you're like bring them up who cares the guy like he can't do crazy shit now He's like let me up here. I guess I'll just bounce around but it was intense and clearly the music was resonating with him and it was exciting and then He just after the song they he went back down to his seat. Hey, look at that All right, it worked out he could have gotten tased. They the guy had a feeling like I can get away with this Well, that's why they the singer he kind of stepped in and said hey, let him let him be but it was a kick-ass show And it was fun to walk her back and I felt like a real a real mensch you know. Yeah cool

uncle I'm telling you dropkick Murphy concert ten minute walk amazing. It was nice and like I said I can't wait to move that moving down to her neighborhoods that's gonna be fun. By the time you guys hear this I'll be down there. You're keeping that family together if my niece moved here I would change my number I don't want to hang out. I'm trying. I try my best. Yeah, it ain't easy. Family is weird because you're connected, but you didn't choose to be. Right. So you're like, oh, it's my niece. You're my mom's brother's daughter. But I got nothing for you. Right.

I mean, I know we're related, but. That's a cousin that you just described. I see. What's a niece? Mom's brother's. My sister's kid. Ah. My mom's daughter's kid.

Well, see, I'm not into the family thing. Yeah, no, she's, it's great, but it is weird with family, because sometimes people are like, I don't get along with my siblings and you're like Well, it would be that would be quite something if you did I'd be amazing people that you grew up with with 50 years of resentment, right? And you didn't like you said you didn't choose them It's not like you're like we have similar

Things in common. Yeah, so it's actually impressive when people are like my siblings my close friend. Yes, yes, they really give a shit. Right. I remember going to family members' funerals being like, ah, how about that? Yeah, because people die and you don't care. Yeah, I guess, but we weren't close. We barely knew each other. And then you're like, oh, am I a sociopath? Where you're like, I saw them four times in 20 years.

Well, you are, but it has nothing to do with this. But I think also, I have such a different family thing, and I know we've talked about this before too, like it always blew my mind. People were like, we're having a family reunion. I got to go to Kentucky for a family reunion. Family reunions are crazy. My family was all together every Sunday and most Saturdays, like 40 people. All the cousins and the aunts and the grandparents, that's how I lived my life.

It was Sunday, we went to grandma's house and so did everybody else and there would be 25 people there playing football, playing cards. Most Saturdays we'd get together, play cards, rent a movie, and then every Sunday without question you were there. And there's zero family that's not in a 25 minute radius in Massachusetts. Wow, see that's not in a 25 minute radius in Massachusetts. Wow, see that's lovely. It is lovely. I mean, there's a plethora of flaws and character defects, but in general it is. And I was talking about this with Sarah the other day, like my family, the way I grew up, somebody had their house need to be roofed. Everyone just showed up and roofed the house. Wow, that's

so old fashioned. Or helped them move or mowed the lawn or did a yard sale, whatever it was. So it's interesting, people that don't have that, like I remember one time Sarah's family, she was like, we gotta take a lift. We were hanging out with her family in Texas. We gotta take a lift to Walmart to buy a prop for a sketch show.

And I was like, but all your siblings are here, they all have cars. And she's like, oh no, we don't, they don't do that. See, I think I got more of that. I was like, what do you mean? There's three cars here. We can't take one of the cars and she's like, no, no, they don't let you borrow their car. That is crazy. And I was like, okay. So we took a cab to a

store and back when everyone had, I was like, that's great. My family, everyone's like, take my car, take my car. Yeah, of course. They're right there. The cars are there. Yeah, that is, that's bonkers. It's, it's bonkos, so I'm very grateful to grow up in a family of music. Well then there's the flip side, the other extreme of like, oh I haven't talked to my father in 61 years, or I haven't talked to my brother in 50 years. You're like, you haven't talked to your brother? Like that, that I would never do. That's insane.

That seems weird, yeah. So I'm somewhere in the middle of a Sunday hang and brother in 50 years. Right. Yeah, family's a weird dynamic. So you gotta put the effort in and now I'm the head of the family. So I gotta really make it all work.

Yeah, well good for you for getting the niece out there to see some violence and drunkenness. That's why I'm moving down there. You gotta be close so you can get the units together. Yeah, yeah. I mean. It's very important. I mean, yeah, at least you're pretty close to your parents, though. You're a car ride away. Yeah, I mean, a four and a half hour car ride and they've never made the trip once in 18

years, but yeah. All right. I'll go there. All right. Sorry I brought it up. All right, what else you got? Because I got a couple other things here. You guys must have some stuff.

Let me tell a humdinger from last night. Please. We'll bounce around Kronel OJ. So I do this, I'm jumping around doing sets. I do this show. You remember Sweet? Seth Herzog? Oh yeah, yeah, no Sweet.

Yeah, I like that room. Seth Herzog, this is at the Chelsea Music Hall. This guy has been bouncing around doing comedy for 45 years. He does the warmup for Jimmy Fallon. He just knows every celebrity. He's from New York, he's a Jew, he's connected. So I show up at this show and I walk in the green room and it's Richard Kind,

Whoa. Paul Rudd. Wow. And some other guy. That I didn't know. Three great Jews. Yeah, so I was like, holy moly, look at this. And I love Richard Kind. I mean, Curb, the whole thing. Paul Rudd is stunning Jews. Yeah, so I was like, holy moly, look at this, and I love Richard

Kind. I mean, Curb, the whole thing. Paul Rudd is stunning, but Richard Kind, I'm like, he looks like Richard Kind. He's all wonky and he thought I was somebody else. He's also great. He was great in Spin City. Yes. And what's the, uh, Cohen, a simple man or a simple asshole? Serious Man. Serious Man. He's on a Malaney show on Netflix. Weirdly enough, he's like the sidekick. But whatever, so I'm sitting there and they go, you're next, and I'm sitting next to Paul Rudd. Kind of feels cool, they're like, you're next.

You're a comedian, you're somebody. Paul Rudd, notice me, whatever. Ant-Man. So, Uncle Man. So I go up, I have a rough set, I bomb, and the crowd just hated me. There was two women in the front row with rainbow masks. Not just masks, rainbow masks. So they're giving me this one the whole time. Oh god. The head shake, Jerry. And you just see the head shaking and you, it's like the

guy with the cup kicking. You just push past it. You go, fuck them. I'm doing my act, whatever. Getting some laughs here and there, here and there. I get off stage. Paul Rudd goes, hey, some funny stuff. And I go, oh, that crowd.

They were tough. Right then, this girl barges in the green room and she goes, Mark Norman, I've seen you three times this week, I'm a huge fan and you've done the same act every three times, what the hell is wrong with you? I come out, I paid money, you're doing the same thing and I got PR right here, I got the Rudd man, you know, Rudd in Canyon and I'm like, oh yeah, well I'm working on the new 15, I'm honing it, that's what stand-up is She's like, oh, you're killing me the same act in the same order and I'm like Yeah, well you want a photo? She's like, I don't want a photo

I got a million photos with you, but you what are you doing to me? I'm like, shut the fuck I got I got PR right here. So what are you the fucking grateful dead? I'm a stand-up comic doing local spots. Stop coming. Don't go to one show and then wait six weeks or six months! Yes! This is what stand-up is! It's a rehearsed act! I'm not Pearl Jam! And I got a 15 I work on, then I hone it, then I go to the next 15.

So this lady ruined the whole kit and caboodle. I was trying to have a good time with Pauly. So what did Rudd say? Uh, Rudd went like this. Okay, because he didn't want to be, you know, he's a famous, uh, famous hebe. He can't be hobnobbing with some hack. Wow, that's, uh, that's brutal. And who is the lady?

Is she a waitress? Is she just, uh... Rando comedy fan who's in town for the week. So she's like, I like this comic, I like that comic, I'll go see him, I'll see him again, I'll see him again. And she's like, I've seen you three times in a week, same shit. You stink! Wow. And, oh my God.

I gotta get her number and thank her. But I said bye to Rudd. He didn't look at me. Oh, Rita Ruddner. That sucks. Yeah. Rudd the room, will ya, sister? But I said bye to Richard and he was not kind either. Well, you hit a Rudd and that sucks. sucks. Who was the third guy? Was he anybody? A Rudderless. It was some Adam Pally. I don't know Pally. He's on something. He's in things. Molly, Coke? Maybe. That's DeRosa. But yeah so that was a real bummer. Finally I felt like I made some headway with the old Clueless here and then I got pooh

poohed by the fan fan. No that's the worst. And I just, we just had this at Skank Fest because you're like, you know, there's some big wigs walking around and you're getting recognized all the time. She's like, I hope I get recognized while Shane's here. Maybe I'll get to do the Scotiabank Stadium or whatever. I'm sitting next to Rod. She came in to see me.

So I was like, Hey, look at this guy. Rod's going to notice this and then hack repeat same old, same old, get some new stuff. It's the worst thing you want to hear as a comedian. Like get some new material. Will you Jesus you fucking has been. Yeah. It sucks to be with a celebrity when someone just fucking nails you. You're like, Jesus. Well, also could you, couldn't you spin it? So you're like, you get this Paul, this, what a fucking bit. Let's see what I got to deal with. You could connect that way. Cause I'm sure he deals with, you know, some assholes. Well, she came in so hot. And also I'm the, I'm the person inviting the kook kweef cunt into the room. Like she came beeline right at me. So they're

like, what are you guys doing? You're ruining the show, Mark. You're bringing these idiots in here, so. Kuk Kweef Kunt is beautiful. Oh yeah. She didn't even get that. KQC. Kuk Kweef Kunt Norman.

Pankeodian. But you got the Pally? I don't know, he's somebody. Nothing that I've. PLLY? Yeah, nothing that I think he was in like Knuckles and Iron Man 3. Oh. Knuckles and Iron Man 3. So he's not really anything. PLL y Bulls and Iron Man 3 so he's not really anything. All right, that jogs big

Man 3 is something Either way, yeah, he knew run. Can he work a soundboard? No, no, he can't Well, that sucks. So that was just last night, that's uh, let me say this, I've seen three celebrities in two days and there was no slouches. Try to take a guess on the other two. One was Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd, Richard Kind, doesn't count, we're not counting him. I'm not counting Kind, he's out after the way he treated me. Kind bar. You've seen him. Just bumped into him. No, no, I saw one and he walked by me and I went hey I was so excited to see him I just said hey his name and he goes and kept walking cuz he didn't want to chat. All right Donald Sutherland. No no. Let me think who's

exciting. He might have died. Yeah. Kaper Sutherland. No no. Kweifer. Matthew Broutherland. No, no. Kweefer. Matthew Broderick. No, no, good guess, because they were both in the village. Okay, they're in the village. And he lives in the village. Let me think of people that live in the village.

All right, this is bad for retention. Ashley Olson. No, it's two men. Mary Kate Olson, or two men. No, no, no, these are prominent. Hulk Hogan. Cooch is here. No, no. He's at the RNC. Wrong answer, brother. Let me tell you something, brother. Oh, by the way, that McMahon doc, just seeing these old, old wrestlers, it's, it's, it's like seeing a bunch of Cougars

in Tampa. You know, they're all weathered and blonde and crazy looking. Bad guy that Vince McMahon. My God. Yeah, yeah. He was shitting on chess. Yikes. And then he wanted to do a storyline where he impregnated his daughter. And the daughter was like, I think that's far enough. Yeah. Pretty cute lady though. Tony Hawk. No, no, not bad.

You're not going to get it. How many more guesses do I get? Well, you asked me to get it. All right. Michael J. Fox. We're going to be here a while guesses do I get? Well, you asked me to get it. All right, well. Michael J. Fox. We're gonna be here a while. Rick Rubin. No, I wish I'd tackle him. Give me some clues. Glasses, white, beard.

One's a big comedic actor. Comedic actor. Not a comic. Ben Stiller. No, and one's a big dramatic actor. Okay. One is super hot. Ben Stiller. Hot. Handsome.

Handsome guy. I don't know. All right well one was Will Ferrell. Oh. Walking down Bleecker in jogging shorts, tennis shoes and a t-shirt and he walked by me and I went, Hey Will! And he went. Have you seen his new film with the trans lady? No, no. Looks pretty good. Oh really? I watched the trailer and I was quite moved. Oh, OK. But also it's like this. Ah, god. Yeah, yeah, I get it.

So touching now. Yes, yes, I know. He was the comedy guy. That's his thing. Right. He transitioned. But I made a touching comedy film myself, so what am I talking about?

Good point, good point. I'm going to tell you a touch. The other one, out of my old apartment window Christian bill now Got out of a black SUV Jude Law. Oh, I saw him on that street on your Wow, I saw him walk into minute Mineta Tavern one time right next to you Wow Crazy Yeah, you lost same initials. That's right. Yeah, but he was going to a restaurant, so maybe he lived right in that building or something like that.

Jay Leno. Oh, this was years ago. Oh. Wow, so that's a haunt for Jude Law. This is Monday, I believe, and he was lock, stock and barrel right there. I haven't seen Jude Law in anything in a long time. What's he doing? Yeah, he's lawless.

I don't know, where is he at? He was in Closer and the war movie and something else. Well Chris Rock He's one of our finest actors. Oh That was awkward. That was brutal. What a jackass Sean Penn is. I know great actor just a complete meatball Yeah, yeah, that was ugly. Jude Law seems like a pretentious Chooch just like a lot. Yeah, he's got a shotgun down in New Orleans at a canoe You know, he's gonna to help somebody. He's talking to the cartel. Pick a lane. I think most of these actors are pretentious nitwits. Yeah. I'd like to be in their world a little bit. There you

go. I like to put my feet over there, go like this. Oh, hey. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. Dip a toe in. I like to pop in and pontificate and then be like, all right, I got to go talk about my cum. All right. Now what do you got? It's around his home. All right, so I got the Chavones wedding. So as you know, Chavone is married. So a while back, Jason Canter, my homeboy, Jason Canter, he's getting married. He says, hey, will you officiate the wedding? And I said, good Lord, it'd be an honor, thank you.

I think word is out about what a great speech I put together over your thing. Apparently, yeah, that was a hot set big hot speech it's on the patreon which is weird but yeah go watch it I might rewatch that join up please I'll heart it if you write something but so he asked me to officiate and I go okay I gotta get my license and my gun and my face paint mm-hmm it'd be blackface so I could be oh Lord, we're having two weddings. Anyway, Chavone, then he asked me, it's the same venue, and so now I'm like,

Jason, is it okay if I marry someone else in the same venue? It feels weird to take away from your thunder. And he goes, no, this is great. You can have a dry run. And it's a good point because if I fuck up chevones, who gives a shit? That'd be great. We did the same material. Most of the canter said he's like, you should say our names. That would be hilarious. I'm kidding. Of course I took it quite serious.

I went and found a poem and the thing and I Googled it, but I was in Indianapolis the week before doing helium with Matt Wayne who was coming to the wedding. So I'm in Indianapolis I'm cramming I'm trying to put things in my ass nothing to do at the wedding. I found a poem and I wrote down some vows and another thing. He touched my leg. Okay kill him. So we fly to Indianapolis I'm flying on the day of the wedding so it's nerve-racking. I gotta get up at 630 a.m. Boy you're busy. I'm busy baby so I fly from Indianapolis I gotta get up at 6.30 a.m. Boy, you're busy. Fly to, oh, I'm busy, baby. So I fly from Indianapolis, I land, I go see my baby for a couple hours, I hand him off to the babysitter.

We head down to the village and I'm nervous, purpose out of service because I am the servant, I'm the wedding. Yeah, and I can't do it without you. And I was in Indianapolis, so I had no wedding rehearsal. So I'm going in blind. I talked to Chad GBT and my father. Sure. I looked up a Mary Oliver poem. What? Who's she? She's a poet. It's the only poetry book I had.

All right. So I was thumbing through there looking at anything that said love or Siobhan in it. Is she big? Does Rick Rubin work with her? Mary Oliver's big. She's a nature poet. Ah, big nature bitch. Oh, okay. Nature bitch. That's a wrestler. Nature bitch. Yeah. You know, she pulls a bush out of her crotch and throws it. She got birds of making a nest in her ass. That's pretty good. Nature bitch. Uh, so anyways, so I'm nervous and there's no rehearsal. There's no nothing. I show up bars low low bar, I guess. So I show up there. I'm nervous as a, as a quiff, you know, my wife's looking hot. I show up. The bar is low. Low bar, I guess. So I show up there. I'm nervous as a quiff. You know, my wife's looking hot.

She's got the heels and the dress and the makeup. I'm wearing the makeup and the heels also with spurs. I show up, I'm outside and it was good because I get out and I'm all nervous and scared. And where the wedding is, is right next this a a meeting that I've been to a Million times felt kismet. I was like all good reminder This isn't about me. Let go and let God and my father's gay go in and run it at the a meeting I should have I should have like hey, we're gathered here today to quit drinking and marry chavone and whatever this lady's name is

Yeah, yeah, what is her name Sandy?. Ah, sounds made up. Sandy. Uh, yeah, she's a real hurricane. So I go over there. The first person I see, not a hook, I hope I see the first person I see is Salak use. Oh, and I go, Hey, Sal and she wanted to be like, Salak use will be there. And it's a good group. It's Matt Wayne, Carmen Lynch, Emma Wilman, Matt's wife, me. And uh, I think that's it. Okay. People that I know. And I'm like, all right, Salak is going to be there. Get out of the car. I look at Salak use. He's wearing his rolled up oversized jeans, Hawaii shirt, and a, we might be drunk windbreaker at a wedding. I go, what the fuck is this? He goes, I didn't know it was a wedding. He DMed me.

Oh, I think, I think Salak use was attack on for someone else that didn't come. Oh, I was there also. Lex was filming. So I see Lex and Salak use is literally wearing a we might be drunk episode 200 windbreaker that I assume you bought them at a kids trophy store. It was a gift. I got it out of a gumball machine. It said go John it. I don't know what the fuck it was. And I go, I just dumped water. He's going to our little league team. I go, what the fuck are you doing? He really is Kramer. I go, what is this? I go, you got a fucking thing on. And a Hawaiian shirt. We might be drunk.

And I go, well, whatever. He goes, I thought he has a camera. He goes, I thought I was the help. I thought I was filming it. I thought I was taking photos. And I go, well, even if you're taking photos, you still put a jacket on, you jackass. Yeah, right? What the hell?

I mean, it literally- He's dressed like Chunk from The Goonies. He's walking, he's identical. And he's walking around at a wedding and it literally says we might be drunk on his back. I'm like, what are you fucking crazy? I go zip that up. 200th episode. I go zip it up or zip it out. Zippity doo dah, bye bye. The fucking shirt. I'm like run to Old Navy or something. Get a collar on, a button down.

He's got New Balance sneakers with holes in them, his toes are sticking out. Oh man he's like a porn director in the 80s. It was crazy so and then by the way he walks right up to the altar because I'm up there waiting for the wedding jizz he comes right up he's like how you doing how you feeling what's what's going on I'm like a little nervous I'm looking at my poems. He should have altered his outfit. I go, what are you doing? So then the wedding groom and bride are coming down and Salaki has got his hands in his pockets, just shooting the shit. Just like, yeah, so thinking about doing a sketch. You know, Mark, he's pitching all your ideas. He loves your ideas. He's like,

I pitched something to Mark. He liked it. We might do it. I'm like, can you sit down please? Preferably behind a plant in the back or on the stand a stall and lock the door get a tray of food and carry it well yeah make yourself useful so we go then I go I'm like where's Siobhan I haven't seen Siobhan since 85 so I go and someone gives me tips me off he's out back nervous he's pissing his pants I go up back I go hey and he goes hey you made it thank God and I go hey I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here like what can you give me some pointers some tips didn't write anything I wrote shit but nobody told me to say anything or what kind of thing well it's your voice it's

your interpretation I did some things so he goes I'm you I'm nervous I'm shitting my pants yeah he's got a point there so I thought you know it's not about me let me just let it go let me be of service like okay I'm you, I'm Nerv, I'm shitting my pants. Yeah, he's got a point there. So I thought, you know, it's not about me. Let me just let it go. Let me be of service. Like, okay, I'm gonna nail it for you, buddy. Don't worry. You got this. You got 30 years of experience up the wazoo.

So I go back to the altar. I'm sitting there. He comes up, his wife is radiant. And by the way, he's giggling his ass off at the altar. We're having a good time laughing. His wife comes up, she's radiant. Then I go, okay, well, it's in my hands. Do whatever I want is what they said.

So I go dearly beloved, my father's gay, sorry about the salacues. It's all pipes. And I go, now here's a poem from Mary Oliver. And the crowd boo's. And I read the poem. I don't know what the fuck it says. Love hath not be gay if Batman is farts jingle bells Wait, you didn't write your own thing you used you lifted a cunts poem from nature, bitch

Oh, you don't write a poem. Well, you're gonna write a thing. You're the priest I wrote fucking hey dearly beloved Andrew and Sandy the best man write something. I Figured you're up there. You give a your friend you give a what for best man, write something. I figured you're up there, you're a friend, you give a what for. Did Patton write something? Oh, he did a whole number. No, he Googled, he mentioned, I did a couple of things. I said, hey, when they first met,

I knew he was gonna be happy, he was very happy. Okay, I thought he was gay. Yeah, I said a few things, and she's funny. I did a few things. All right, all right, all right. Spoke from the heart. Then I read a long poem, a short poem, and I go, okay, well, I guess we're about 90 seconds into the thing.

I go, okay, well, let's get this thing over with. So, and then I hear this. The attention. I go, what is it? I got a microphone, I'm holding a microphone. I'm like, I don't know, he blasts out, what is going on? And Shavone goes, you got a brother? And Sandy and him are like.

And I'm sitting there shaking with the book, Lex got all in video, we put this on the page here, and I'm like, I go, what's happening? What is this? What am I doing? They're like, the poem. You never said it? He's like, my niece is reading a poem.

And I'm like, they're like, yeah, that was supposed to be the beginning. I had no idea. No one told you. No one told me there'd be days like these. So then, wait, you're his niece. I go, who's reading a poem? Is someone here reading a poem? And she's like, I'm reading a poem. Oh my god. Oh my god, it's an 11 year old girl with pigtails and it's a big day and she's wearing heels for the first time. Oh boy, that's hot. So she So she comes up I lower the mic and all I can think is one of her poems my poem Can you fucking imagine and the whole time I'm like holding the microphone Like it's like a sing-along. Yeah, sweet. Oh, this is adorable. Did she read the John Oliver? No, she read a six page poem.

Her poem was like the Declaration of Independence. Come on, you tiny coos. You got to know brevity is best. It went for a month and the whole time I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. I blew it. Her niece hates me. His parents hate me. My father's gay.

And she goes on and on and finishes. I'm like, okay, so now my confidence is shattered. I'm like, so are we good? Can we stick the rings on your dick? Get out of here. Yeah, ringworm. Finally I wrap it up. There's a lot of laughs.

I think we were, we were chuckling it up. I think I goofed a few times, whatever. Did you say kiss the bride? I did the kiss the bride. I said, if you'd like to, you can kiss the bride. I got hard, took my dick out. They kissed, it was a beautiful wedding ceremony. Then we all get, go to our assigned seats

and there's these big candles with, like they have big glass tubes around them so the candles don't get knocked over and let the place on fire. Sure. Salacu's, he's the K-Man. I mean, he's Kramer. He goes, I can't see over there.

He's like, I can't see Peter. He's like, these big glass things, aren't they annoying? And we're like, yeah, yeah, they're annoying. Just, you know, you're yes and somebody, social. Yeah, they're annoying. He goes, all right, I'll get rid of them. And he grabs these, they're glass tubes. They're four feet tall.

And he's taking them out, he's four foot three. He's taking them off like this. They're all shaky and rickety. He's shimming it up the candle. Yes, and the candle is nine feet long with a big flame on it. This place is, it's an old barn. It's literally like an old firehouse barn with hay.

Oh my God. And he's picking them up and he takes them to the bar and you can't hear what they're saying. You just see him put this thing down and the bartender's like, and he's like. Oh my God. Now you got the Olympic torch out here. Oh my God. And I'm like, we're going to get killed.

And then I look over here and you see like three guys. You know what it's like? It's like when Kramer's smoking and you see, or the Shmoopy Shmoopy and you see Larry, the manager in the corner, it's just three guys in suits like this. Right. And Salacuse is now everyone in the house knows they're pissed.

Salacuse comes over, he grabs the next tube, just shimmies it on up. It's this long, it's fragile, this fire. And you hear the other guy walk by and go, what the fuck is this guy doing? Literally, that's a quote. Ooh. What the fuck is this guy doing?

Uh-oh. And the bartender's like, doing this, and the guy goes, yeah, this is a huge fire hazard. You can't do this. That's fair. And we're all going, ah, we don't know this guy. And he goes, well, how about I blow the candles out? He said that?

Instead of putting the glass back where it belongs, he goes, how about I blow the candles out? And they're like, I guess. So he goes, well, how about I blow the candles out? He said that instead of putting the glass back where it belongs. He goes, I blow the candles out and they're like, I guess. So he's the birthday party. Salacus was attack on invite via AOL instant messenger. At least he blended in. He's wearing a Hawaiian short shirt and booty shorts and he's going from table to table. It's pitch. Blowing out all the candles. It's pitch black in the room. Ah! All the glass is in a pile over here. It's next to the wedding cake.

Oh my god. It's just carefully placed glass. It's dark, you can't see anyone's faces. All the candles have been blown out. He's walking around like Santa Claus, blowing out candles. That's what Santa does. He dressed like the Beach Boys manager.

It was crazy. We danced the night away. It was crazy. We danced the night away. It was beautiful. Siobhan got drunk. Sandy got drunk. Had a great time. We loved it. And happy Merry Christmas.

Happy birthday to old Siobhanie Baloney. He's in Aruba. Hey! Aruba, Jamaica. Ooh, I want to take it. We tore up that dance floor. And now I feel confident going into Kanner's wedding. Hell yeah.

But what a wedding and you're going to have some great video, right? We're going to put some videos of me dancing up there. Love it. Yeah, we'll get some reels. It's going to be awesome. All right, I think I went long. I got to go put the baby down. Oh my God, I went way long.

I got to put the baby down. Oh, geez. All right, we're going to wrap it up. I'll be in Chicago at the Chicago Theater. Maybe Larry David, who knows? And a lot of nieces in this episode by the way. Oh yeah.

Two. Nieces, nieces. Alright, and yeah, you know the website. Punch Up Live. Punch Up Live Mark Norman, Punch Up Live Joe List, and I love ya! Alright, we'll see you later. Alright, there it was. November 9th, Town Hall, November 9th, Town Hall, November 9th, Town Hall November 9th Town Hall November 9th Town Hall! I'm in the heavens when legends cry

Homelessly watching the music die Please believe me Okay, it's official. We are very much in the final sprint to Election Day. And face it, between debates, polling releases, even court appearances. It can feel exhausting, even impossible to keep up with. I'm Brad Milky. I'm the host of Start Here, the daily podcast from ABC News, and every morning my team and I get you caught up on the day's news in a

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