Tuesdays with Stories! - #582 Take a Panty, Leave a Panty

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

We’re recording at Gotham!!! We’re migrants and we’re looking for a home! Joe suffers the ramifications of receiving favors - having to repay the favors!! The Listicle has to walk Kerryn Feehan���s dog! Is he attacked or does he come out a dog lover? Mark heads to CT and plays Stand Up Roulette! Joe has another screening of the Tom Dustin doc - and they take a HUGE step!! We’re moving baby!!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and try BlueChew for free at https://www.bluechew.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what... Hey! We're here! We're queer! We're at the Gotham Studios because we're in between butt cheeks. We're in between cheeks, but I gotta have a shout out to,

do we say his name? Matt Peters, Gotham Studios. I mean, every time I come here, I'm blown, Jerry. Blown! I am blown, although we're not switching cameras, it looks like, that doesn't matter, right? That they don't do it in real time. Where are the cameras?

I'm here, folks. But yeah, we're here, Gotham Studios. This is the best podcast studio in New York City. You got that right. Bar none, hands down, cheeks closed, come on my tits. Yes, oh, did we make it 30 seconds before we said come? Oh, don't worry about that. All right, YouTube's trying to put us right in the pooper,

put a big old black dildo in our ass. Well, we've been demonetized for 11 years and we're staying demonetized, baby. Yeah, suck it. We'll make money else. We'll have a yard sale or something. Oh my god that scared the hell out of me. Oh hey! We got, you're getting kicked out. This is the Emiction notice. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Can you turn the heat off? Thank you. The heat is on. Alright! You're a fucking peach. God bless America. I'm thrown up by the red light. It's gonna be on all of us, right? The red light here on this camera?

The camera with the red light on. He's worried he's gonna... Oh, okay, great. I was nervous. I wasn't gonna... I gotcha. I was worried I wasn't gonna make an appearance in this episode. People would be thrilled. Oh, the fans could only hope. Yeah, they're gonna be the happiest. Look at that. I got three beverages. What am I... What's going on here? What are you, J.Lo? Can't make eye contact.

She had a lot of beverages? Well, she's high maintenance, I got three beverages. What am I, whoa, what's going on here? What are you, J.Lo? Can't make eye contact. She had a lot of beverages? Well, she's high maintenance, I hear. I see. I love this studio, and there's like 15 studios in here, I've been in all of them, and they went ahead, they went the extra mile and decorated for us. Look at it, they threw a little blurry Larry David

in the corner, that's a nice touch there. Very nice, and I've never even seen this in my life. Or that, I tried to avoid that, and this is nice. I mean, Outlaw Joey List, my uncle Dale still life or that. I tried to avoid that. This is nice. I mean, outlaw Joey List. My uncle Dale still calls me that. That Playboy is a Jerry reference. He did a Playboy in 1994 where he's on the cover with a bunch of whores in a phone booth. Oh yeah, somebody sent that to us. Oh yeah, I jerked off to it. We gotta get a studio. We gotta figure this thing out. We got some feelers out there. I thought I had a lock on a guy and he goes,

$2.50 an hour and I'm such a tard. I go, this is the best deal. I can't wait to tell the boys. That was a great text. This guy came in with a little number crunching and boy I almost jumped off a roof. Yeah, you're like, I got a deal, we got a discount. And by the way, I was at that studio today

and that is just the going rate. It's not a discount at all. The guy was like, you should use our studio. It cost studio today and that is just the going rate it's not a discount at all. The guy was like you should use our studio it cost this much and that's what you said so that you're getting porked. That heeby fucked me right in the butthole. Call in, email, call in, write us where do you want us to be, what do you want it to look like, they love the couch. Very simple parameters, free, come in whenever we want, and record and leave. That's all we ask! And you gotta be okay with come and the end word,

and blood and shit and aids and tits. Midgets, pedophiles, and tarts. Yeah, yelling full volume. That's okay. Yeah, no neighbors, and we can chuck and fuck in there. And don't dare make small talk with us. Oh! And yeah, that's just all we're looking for that's so much to ask yeah, and what we're willing to go 80 bucks each a month I like it I like it I like it a a Chinese family. We can live in this tiny 200 square foot box if we need to Yes, yes translate that it means we're in so well now you have a seven bedroom fucking mansion in the

Brooklyn we could do it. Why don't you just make a podcast studio cuz you gotta fill those rooms I do it to fill those rooms and please we could we could do it my place I feel selfish, but I'm down Well, you got the house you got the you got the We got the space. Yeah, so yeah, I mean if we can we get a couple of black Jacks or Jack rabbits or black people What do you call these cameras 5k black magic black magic? Got a black magic camera. Oh yeah. I went camera. That was better.

That's something we could do that. Let's do it. I'm down, but I, you know, there's gonna be a crying baby in about 10 minutes. Yeah, we have one at my house also, but you have three stories. Four stories. Yes.

That's seven years ago. I make a lot of stories. Yeah, so yeah, Tuesdays are stories, so come on by. By the way, you gotta come by cause I have the Duna for you and I have a bouncy chair for ya, which is fucking invaluable. My kid's too big for it, but it's a nice bouncy,

you put him on it and you can use your foot, like a bass drum, and he does one of these things. So I got one of each. Bring it on, bouncy castle. Yeah, come by. You go bouncy castle or space walk? Space walk. That was a southern thing, we call it a space walk.

No, no, it's a bouncy castle. Because you're like an astronaut on the moon. Spacewalk. That was a southern thing. We call it a spacewalk. No, no. It's a bouncy castle. Because you're like an astronaut on the moon. I guess. Spacewalk for rent. That was a big one. Oh, wow. No, it's a bouncy castle.

The great Brian Kiley joke. Great joke. I got a bouncy castle for my daughter's birthday. I paid for it with a bouncy check. Woo, boy. Check doesn't care for that one. That's a funny joke. Oh, it's warm. Yeah, it's heating up. You got that one. That's a funny joke. Oh, it's warm.

Yeah, it's heating up. You got that right. He's heating up. NBA Jam? Yeah. Hey, great game. You know what I did yesterday? Take a good guess what I did yesterday.

You're not gonna get it right. Take it in the ass. Anal, you housed a homeless. No, no, no. I'm not gonna do that kind of stuff. But what I did was I bought a new basketball a few weeks ago. Yesterday morning I woke up bright and early like Rocky. I ate three eggs and a bag of pussy

and I walked over to the basketball court and I just shot around by myself with my AirPods in. Oh. Between the legs, around the back, over the world, under the coop and I just shot around. About half, I had a good sweat going. Good for you. Yeah, then a pair of black kids showed up

and I got the hell out of there. Yeah, they'll take the ball. Well, there's nothing like a new rock. You know, that brand new ball with the new, it's like a new condom. It's taut and the rubber is tight. The smell, Jerry. Yes! It's so leathery.

And the sound when you put your fingertips, it goes kuk, kuk, kuk. Yes! It's nice and the baby loves it. He's rolling around with it and I just love it so that's my new thing and then day two it's raining it's the worst when you're like that's my thing I wake up I shoot hoops it's in focus and concentrate and gay and meditative and exercise and then it's just raining and I go ah fuck it it's a great activity because you're working out but you don't realize it you know you're like oh I gotta go get the

ball but you're actually taking eight steps you're jumping you're working out but you don't realize it. You know, you're like, oh I gotta go get the ball, but you're actually taking eight steps, you're jumping, you're bobbing, you're weaving, you're queefing. That's the only way for me to do cardio. I have to run like a nice swift run or play basketball or whatever it is, frisbee or swim, whatever. And then last night I get the call from, should we bleep her name so people don't get fucking triggered, these fucking nitwits? Karen Karen Feehan my neighbor and friend and babysitter and lover whoop bleep that she texts and goes hey I got gigs my dog walkers not around. Can you walk the dog which I've been fearing that was coming Well, you know what's good for the goose is good for the anal because you've she's been watching your dog for a while Exactly, and you can't be like, nah, I don't think so.

That's the thing about favors. That's true, it's like the mob. People do your favors, now it comes around and now I gotta decorate Sonny's face, it doesn't look like he was shot. And you're not a dog, chap. Well, I do like dogs. I'm terrified of strange dogs, when they're like, arrrr, arrrr, arrrr. Yeah, same. Their assholes and the biting. But when I get to know a dog,

I like the dog. Like people. Okay. I'm similar to people. Alright. You know when you meet someone, they're like, you're gonna be working with this guy, and you're like, ah, I don't like his face. Yeah, well, you know, you and a dog, you're both shitting a shoe, you both, uh, you know, eat horrible things. Yeah, we don't clean our butt holes all that well.

Yeah, you'll lick a butt hole. I'd like to lick my balls. I just can't quite reach them. I can do it. I got the real stretch arm strong. Oh, my balls are 18 feet long. But I don't have the flexibility. My tongue is short.

Short tongue, like a pug. Exactly. The pug life. Drugs not pugs. So she's got an 80. Yeah, exactly the pug life Drugs not bugs. So she's got an a you've met the dog before you did the podcast 80 pound black lab German Shepherd mix Black I'm out Mabel and this is a big old dog and it's fucking It's not a little fucking Yorkie. No homo dog. This is like a alpha dog. Well, it's Karen. So it's got to be able to fuck her Well, and they take on the personality of the owner. So it's right Karen. Yes, I see it's very cute You walk it goes fuck you. I'm like Jesus Christ. I'm an only fans And it's pretty good at comedy

So the dog oh, okay, I guess I gotta go walk the dog. And you know, I have a child, so the whole day is, the baby, he shits, he cries, he walks, he crawls, he falls, you know, you gotta put him down, you gotta put him up, you gotta feed him. And you know, it's- You could put the dog down. It's a lot of stuff, and then you got the emails

and the podcast, so then the baby goes down. You're like Whoo, yes, put my feet up watch a little hockey and call it a life and then you get the Man walking my dog Any extra thing in your life because you have it all worked out you finally get a moment and then it's filled up with horseshit So I'm scared to death and then but the one thing is you're like I go sniff The panties I could have the field day in that house. She's fine. I know she's gone. Yeah I'm going over there. She isn't a wigwam put it back in the drawer dogs can't talk. That's true I could take a pair of panties leave a pair panties wear a pair panties like a penny take a penny

It's I can do whatever I want in there. Yeah, this is gold. Yeah, and I go, I wrote, this will give me a good opportunity to take some of your panties, and she wrote back, correct. Whoa, that's consent. I got a ticket to take some panties, but then it's a whole rigmarole, you got a wife and... Ah, bros before panty-os. It feels like a crime sort of and the dog will bite my foot off so I go over there and uh I'm stressed out because I like dogs and I've played with the dog many times you throw at the ball. It's one of those dogs that catches the ball and then lets it go which I've only experienced one out of ten dogs that does that. Yeah that's a dud. Most dogs they just hold

on to the ball right what's going on He picks it up and then drops. He lets it go for you He catches it and then brings it back and lets it go but every dog I've ever experienced. Oh, this is a big fart I think hold on Why it's not good He's got panties on it borrowed studio So sorry, that's what these are for I'm so sorry

oh this is part of our show sorry we do this on the show you do it on the show in the same studio that's true I never got up and Adam know like that you went full walkie-talkie I'm an ace Ventura but you take the mic out and shove it right in your ass. Ah, yeah. No, it was a viral clip of you doing it with Nate. Well, after hours, I don't do it in the broad daylight. It's dark out. Look at these are windows. It's pitch black.

Looks like Karen's dog. But, can I just say, I farted on the David Cross pod and he walked out on me. He went, whoop, whoop, out the door. No kidding was it a particularly bad fart? No it was a classic it was like it was like a mid-range one of these and he was like oh what the hell Bob Baddy walked out the door. He left so he missed the show. Missed the show. Oh I see I see. Jack you shamed me. We're

hired you to work for supposed to support us you supposed to be the backbone of the show you're supposed to help us and you shamed me I feel like shit now you said I wouldn't do that so now I feel like an ass I feel like a jerk you're fine I'll blow it off brush it off yeah deal I'm gonna jizz on this thing later make you feel better you're farting the mics We're up on it. We're paying for the We're not it's free

No, you fart on those microphones. I've seen it paying for these meals Yeah, well, they're fine. Well edited out Come to think of it doesn't matter. I guess the damage is done. Yeah. yeah yeah the particles are on the foam anyways so it's not just a walk in the you're nervous with the dog because what if the dog gets loose and runs away and then you got to call your friend be like your dog is gone also dinner dog kill a dog abortion the dog did, allegedly, no. No, it didn't. I think it took Jay Leno's eye out.

You see that photo? Jeez. It fell down a hill. That's a weird hill to die on. That was ugly. No, her dog never did anything wrong as far as anybody knows. Scratch that from the record. Yeah.

That's privy information. But, so the dog's scary. I'm going for a walk and I'm scared it's gonna get away, get loose and you know, I just have an image of it ripping my arm out of the socket and she's running down the street with a linky arm. You're flying in midair. But I got there and I splashed water in my face

and I'm like, you fucking bitch piece of shit. She's four foot six, 101 pounds, whatever. She has the dog, she walks the dog. Good point. What are you doing? And so I really tucked myself up there, opened the door and grabbed, I put the leash right on. Cause if you show any like, excuse me. Yes, it's like a black crowd. Exactly. You got to put that leash right on them and tighten it. I'm so... Exactly, my point. I got the leash on there, went out, and boy, I gotta tell ya, I'm a full dog guy now. Hey!

Look at that. You're transitioned. I'm all dogs go to heaven. I mean, we went out. Not the gay ones. Couple times she barked and I just pulled on that thing. I said, whoa! Whoa!

Look, cause you gotta out for these dogs. Easy. You're like Caesar, the dog whisperer. I said, Mabel, he's got to out for these dogs. Easy, you're like Caesar the dog whisperer. I said Mabel get over here and then she goes Arrrrrrrrrrrrr I felt like, I felt meaning in my life for the first time, Jerry. Good for you. Not the child, not the marriage, not the comedy, but that dog walk really moved you. The dog walk was something, because a kid, you know, anyone can raise a kid, but who can walk a dog for 12 minutes? That's true, except for a dog walker who has nine dogs at once, but still!

Good point. You got something there, Fetty. But it was fun, and then you get that dog back in the house, you get the leash off, you smell the panties, you lock that door, and you go, woo! And you feel like a hundred bucks? Yeah, well they say do something every day that scares you. And I think that was a little scary. It's unknown.

How's this gonna go? Is the dog gonna bite me? Is it gonna shit in my mouth? Whatever it is. And that worked out. It was a little scary, it was a little different, and I felt like a million bucks and I came through big you know. Yeah my lady's always like she handles the cat, she's got the cat, I observe the cat, I get all the fruits of the labor, whatever you call it, and she'll go every now and

then she'll go can you put the cat in the carrier and bring it to this lady's house so she can watch it and getting that thing in a carrier is like trying to get an NBA player into an Asian woman. I mean, it is tough. I'm like, you pick it up and the cat does like the, you know, the four legs out and it's covered in the perimeter and it won't go in. Right.

It's brutal, but you gotta, they gotta show it who's boss and punch it. Yeah, you gotta alpha the cat. Yeah, like a little Chris Brown and kick it in the face and then shove it right in that bag and zip it up and the cat goes, oh, it's basically saying, what are you doing, man? I thought we were cool.

And then you ship it right out of there like an immigrant. Now what's the life expectancy on that cat? The average is about 13. 13 years? Yeah. Oh, so like 10 more years of that thing? Oh yeah. Oh. I'm enjoying it.

Nice. I like the cat. I do too. I miss the cat. Never hurt anybody, never hissed, never clawed. Never bitten. Yeah, but it just made a couple noises I think. Ah, it'll queef and it'll moan.

Well we gotta bring the cat back in. We'll get back, we'll go to the house, we'll go to the couch, we'll get the cat involved. That cat loved the pot. I mean, we would talk and he would sit right there in the middle like an ornament. Well bring back the cat. Yeah! I mean, if he hears us chatting, he can't not sit in. He's like a fan.

Chatting, catting. He's on the Patreon. Is that right? Yeah, he pays for it. Our Patreon, by the way, I gotta just say, this thing is exploding like a burning amber of volcano cum. Amber alert. It is really something.

We're going out to Dojo of Comedy this week, I think. Already sold out two shows, baby! Maybe it was last week. I don't know when this comes out. Tomorrow. Oh, you missed it. I thought we were going on a Tuesday. Or are we going on a Wednesday? No, we're going on a Tuesday.

It comes out on a Monday. It comes out Monday night, right. Okay, well, today, tonight, whatever, December 3rd, we're going to dojo and we're going to shoot the ride. We're going to shoot Chuck. We're going to shoot ourselves. Kids. Yes. We're going to go up together at're gonna shoot Chuck, we're gonna shoot ourselves. Kids, yes. We're gonna go up together at the end of the show.

Yes. And do a little two time and double time. Love it, can't wait. And we'll bring somebody, we'll get a comic to come. Yeah, come right in my ass and we'll, he'll open it up. Yeah. Worshey. That'll be fun. And that's gonna be a blast.

And then I'm doing my own show at sesh December 17th, which you claim you're on That canter's wedding are two no misses for me locks and we'll film some of that we got some big video Shit coming up. Yes, and the patreon is gonna be bigger better than it's ever been and this time We mean it. So that means you get extra content with the audio, with the pod, you get live EPS, and now you're getting live performances in the room behind the scenes. What other pod is doing that?

Come Town? I don't think so. Ad Free. Ad Free. Tim Dillon does another episode. History Ienis is back, but this is performing, this is stand up, this is comedy, this is the whole enchilada there, Dickless. And we're the original Come and Gay podcast.

Many have come and fallen and now come back. Yeah, on my back. You want two straight guys pretending to be gay, pretending, whatever. We were here first. There's a lot of guys in Hollywood who are pretending to be gay, pretending, whatever. We were here first. There's a lot of guys in Hollywood who are pretending to be straight. Yeah? We go the other way.

Right. We're pretending to be gay. Absolutely. That's unprecedented. I'll pretend so hard I'll suck anyone off in here. I'll take you up on that. All right. All right.

So, uh. Why's it blowing Chuck? Oh, god. Jeez, I'm trying to concentrate here. Just nasty. on that all right all right so uh blowing Chuck just nasty whoo that's what the ISIS should do fuck waterboarding water chucking yeah just have Chuck over there with the big goofy you know back to future three shirt Oh, the worst one. You know what I mean? The jean shorts, the weird Adidas, these, uh, ton DMC. You must suck this man off! Suck him off! Cut your arm off!

And then you're like, take my arm, please. Alright, you've been all over, what's going on over there? Give me something. Well, first I want to give a big shout out or haza, whatever you want to call it, to we did Poughkeepsie last weekend and Torrington, Connecticut Have you heard of this? I've literally not heard of Torrington, Connecticut

And I've driven through Connecticut more than any human in history of Connecticut. I've done all you know the Hartford's the New Haven's the Bridgeport's the What am I missing in Connecticut? There's Wilton Fairfield Fairfield, Connecticut. Yeah. Yeah. I've done all these Connecticut-cations and Connect 4 and never heard of Torrington. Tickets are rough. I'll get all these DMs. Who goes to Torrington? I live in Connecticut. What are you doing?

This is a shit town. You're a shit comic. Shits Creek. And I'm like, ah, geez, all right. And then it just slowly started bubbling up. one of the best shows of my career just a hot crowd it was one of it was a Warner Brothers theater that's been like it was one of the original Warner Brothers theaters there's like three left in the country they opened it in Torrington because they thought it was gonna be a boom town the town went to

shit everybody's homeless everybody's on fentanyl. It was like one of these Rust Belt towns. No kidding. Everybody came out because I figured you come out to Torrington, you want to see a show. Absolutely. And you guys do that thing where you come out and you go, where am I? Who the fuck comes to Torrington? They're like, I know! I love that. So that was exciting and just a great time. And I had Sean Murphy opening and Ray Zawadny hosting. I had a- Is that a woman? It's a Polock, I assume.

Oh, okay. But I couldn't get a car. I was like, hey, my car is not starting. So we gotta figure that out. And then Sal Acuse was like, I need my car. I always borrow his. I was too scared to ask you. So I said, hey, Murph, you gotta find us a car. And a car and he goes well I got a guy but he's gonna have to host and I said

Ah, it's ten minutes. We had the best time. We all hit it off. We played stand-up roulette. Oh, what's that? That's a game Murphy invented where you put Spotify stand-up on shuffle hmm, and you play a track from a comic, usually about a minute and a half, two minutes, and then after the track you give it a score and you review it. Oh, interesting. Gets pretty ugly. Oh, I bet. There's a lot of bad comedy out there.

My God is there bad comedy. And just the bad comedy was more fun. We're howling, we're like, this guy sucks, what a hack, he's using every trick in the book! I'll tell you later who we really laughed at. And then the beauty is One guy kept coming up. He has about 19 albums and they're all trash. Uh-huh. We drive up to this show in Poughkeepsie It says, Mark Norman, whatever Next week, that guy. He was the guy we've been trashing. Oh, that's the best. Kept popping up, we all had a big to do about it. I love that.

I started coming here the other day, I have no idea his name and I wanna make sure, I don't wanna, let's not reveal what day we're doing this. Sure. Just people be like, I was with him the night before, but man, it was like the, I'd never seen or heard of this person, but I was like, this is the worst thing I've ever seen ever.

Really? Yeah, it was in Manhattan at a place and I was like, gee whiz, I've never seen anything where, and you just want to go like this, can I help you real quick? Don't do that, don't hold that, don't say that, don't do this. We never do that. Unfunny or hack or crowd, give me a taste. It was unfunny. It was like crowd work. It was like the mannerisms in a way and like noises on the mic. I'm like, I don't think you know that you're making that noise into the mic.

Wow. Where it's like this. Hhhk, hhhk, hhhk. Oh. And I'm like, that's. You're doing it. Yeah. And the outfit, everything.

I was like, this is really extraordinarily bad. I got a million questions. I can't believe you saw Phil Hanley. I got a million questions. I can't believe you saw Phil Hanley. I got a million questions after the show. So the shows were great. And again, no flight. So I got to Queens on the G train. They picked me up at Court Square Diner.

We hit the road to Connecticut or Poughkeepsie. And then they would drop me back off at the house. And it was just a magical weekend. So thanks to those two cities for coming out. By the way, Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie's getting some great shows. I know. I looked on the lineup and it was like Colin Quinn, Dan Soder, Louis C.K. and then I'm like, how is this many people, I'm sure those were sold out. Mine was full. How

do they, is Poughkeepsie big enough to cater to all these comics? I think they come around and people just go to the same shop. Well deserved from Cal, who's a first class guy, the owner up there. Maybe you were in a theater. Oh, they were at Laugh It Up. Yeah, we were at some little theater. Oh, I see. I was thinking of just Laugh It Up.

I thought you were fucking around. But yeah, I guess there's a tri-state area. There's a lot of people here. I guess so. It's a big state. And I think there's four colleges in Poughkeepsie. Well, I know there's a tri-state area. There's a lot of people here. I guess so, it's a big state. And I think there's four colleges in Poughkeepsie. Well, I know Vassar. Mm, Vaseline, sounds like a vaginal thing. She uses Vaseline.

Flaming Lips? I think that's the Butthole Surfers, or wait, was that the Butthole Surfers? No, not the Butthole. Hold on, don't say it, Chuck it Chuck you motherfucker you motherless fucker. Flaming lips good term for like a STD. Is that what they're referencing? I don't know they're from Oklahoma City.

Southern yes. Wait hold on. Okay cut. Jesus Vaseline. I think that's the lips. Maybe that was the flaming lips. Maybe you're right. Call it. Okay, good. Jules is Vaseline. I think that's the Lips.

Maybe that was the Flaming Lips. Maybe you're right. Call it. Give it a goog there, C-dog. I think it is, I think it is the Flaming Lips from OKC, cause I was just there and I was listening to some tunes and that was like the one that kind of broke through. They're a very good band. They're great, they're great.

I thought they had another big one. Something about the radio. Video killed the radio star. Radio! They had another great song that I think was their big hit, but they're interesting. Chuck, can we get a reading on that? Yeah, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. She done is. Yes, yes. Tangerine. Yeah.

I think that was their biggest hit. Oh, okay. I thought they had a big pop-a-roach. What are you, like a big chart-topper? Well, it was the Violent Femmes, which I used to confuse with the Flaming Lips. Yeah. Maybe Blister in the Sun. Both kind of femininity alt-y bands.

Violent Femmes, Flaming Lips. Yes, vaginal. Kind of similar. Top song is Do You Realize? That's it. How's that one go? I look just like Buddy Holly. I remember that one. Yeah. Oh we triggered Chuck. Cleaver. Hey folks this episode is brought to you by Better Help. December is all about getting comfortable. It is an essential part of the season. I mean, if I didn't have therapy,

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Back to the show. Um, alright so. Poughkeepsie. By the way I got a my house is full of Mexican guys because they're all working on it and I just love having these Mexicans over there because I'll be like hey Machacho, can you help me move this this lady and we'll just pick up the wife and mover and they this is great to have around Yeah, I have elves at my house. So when is this done? I don't get it. I've never seen a project. This is like the big dig It's the longest fucking taxpayer gig of all time it's crazy dig in well the problem is I keep adding shit I don't want these guys to leave so I'm like you know what this wall could come down what do you think and they go okay see senior tink tink tink they just start thinking well

now we got to get them to build a podcast studio. Yes! You hear that Paco? Paco! Jose and Jose B. I'm just gonna send them a picture of the flagrant set and get to work there, migrant. I mean, we should have a big studio and then you should rent it out. You can make some income. Yeah, but then I got some fucking Blue Montana at my house, you know, trying to do a mixtape. I forgot to mention that we mentioned the Patreon. We got the big kahuna, the big fish. Yeah, quite a get. Drew Montana, baby.

Big get. We got Drew Montana. Who else is bringing in Drew Montana for a Patreon? Anyone that can get him. That was not easy to get. It was a big bowl. I had to call in some favors. This Friday, you're gonna hear a Patreon bonus with the one, the only, Drew Montana.

Well, I didn't have to smell Karen's panties, because I got a whiff of that guy, and it's a similar odor. No, I think that was a great app, I thought it was a lot of fun. Who we have coming in today? I think we've got, Mark Maron is coming in today. Oh, that's right. Very exciting, what the fuck. So, let me throw this in your kettle of fish and see if it smells.

All right. Got this one at a restaurant. Last Sunday, I take the wife out. She's huge. She's prego. She's about to pop, blah, blah, blah. See the baby arm coming out of that clam. I mean, it feels like it's really getting close.

And I go, let's go out for a nice date. We go to dinner at a swanky joint. We get there. They go, did you make a rez? Nah. They go, let's go out for a nice date. We go to dinner at a swanky joint. We get there, they go, did you make a rez? Nah. They go, all right, well, we got to have to wait 40 minutes or sit at the bar? I go, let's take the bar. So we sit at the bar, we're chit chatting, and you know, me and the wife, much like you

and your lady, we're talking about pedophiles and ditty and minorities and all this. And at some point the bartender goes, sorry, I was eavesdropping. Oh God. I can answer that question you had, because I posed a question about like, I don't know, what was first, the Brooklyn Bridge or some bullshit? And she was like, actually the Brooklyn Bridge, and you're like, eavesdropping, what is that?

You're just listening, and then you get to say I was eavesdropping which clears you of spying on us. Yeah, eavesdropping's bad. It's bad. I hate eavesdropping. And it's just like a kind of a euphemism for like I was, you know, rudely listening in. And look, we all listen in.

We're all listening. But you can't admit to it. And then you start to wonder what else did you hear? Did you hear all the slurs and the Jew tunnel jokes? I mean, what are we doing? Well, this is why I don't like talking in public and it makes me crazy then people talk No one in this room particular I tend to talk at a high volume and I'm like, what are you nuts? Shut up. I'm excited to see it. It's good conversation. I get a way get worked up. I know it's so loud I'm like, oh my god, we got to whisper this shit. Sorry. But I need a puzzle. No, I hate

it too. I had a point that it was going to with all this eavesdrop. Oh, I had this years ago. I did my fifth step and alcoholics anonymous. You got to tell somebody all these horrible things you did. Oh, I thought there was nine. No, no, nine is apologizing. Oh, what's the difference? No, no, you're telling a sponsor. Oh, got it, got it. You gotta admit all your shit. You gotta be like, I did this, I fucked a kid, I painted my toenails black, I did brown face, my father's gay. And we're doing it, we're at a coffee shop and people are like sitting next to us and I was like, I can't do this, he's like, nobody's listening. I was like, what are you crazy?

Of course they're listening. Not only everyone's listening all the time, but I'm confessing that I'm a homosexual. They're certainly listening to this. Of course. This is my dream. If I sat down at a coffee shop and a guy was telling another guy, boy, I really want to have sex with my mother's aunt, I'd be like, listen to this shit. This is crazy.

I think that's removed enough, by the way. Mother's aunt. Mother's aunt I'd be like listen this shit this is crazy. I think that's removed enough by the way. Your mother's aunt. She's got to be 98 and your mom's brother's dad's daughter's wife. Huh? I lost track. No your mother's aunt is your grandmother's sister. Oh yeah you're fine. I mean it was like the first cleavage I ever saw. Of course of course. It was wrinkly like a road map yeah your grandmother's sister that's that's might as well be a stranger good point perfect strangers so yeah I didn't give an eavesdropping to you and I had to run that by you cuz that is no bueno yeah no it's no good yeah get out of here I don't want anyone listening I Yeah, get out of here. I don't want anyone listening. I'm like Polly from Goodville.

I don't want anyone listening to what I'm saying. It's just too embarrassing. And I hate that thing. Actually, it's this. And you're like, what? I know. You wasted nine fucking napkins on this guy. But yeah, I know.

What the fuck is that? Oh, man. What the hell? Hold my Lizzo? Now we're even for farting on the mic. All right, I did fart. That's what did it. You're all upset. Jesus Christ! What the hell is this?

Good Lord! You gotta cut out the Oreos. The way you eat them, you're practically having sex with them. I mean, this is unprecedented. What is this, Ikea? How is Chuck okay? This is bananas. He's on the wall, that's

why. Chuck must be in a super seat over there. You're going down pal. I couldn't believe it. I heard the cracking and I didn't want to believe it and I just kept leaning. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. That looks like the leg of the lady you dated before May. Peg, we miss you Peg. Should we ever? Call in if you have a question. I guess they're not listening the pot anymore if someone would be in here We gotta call the cops this joke's got legs All right, take check see let me see this thing. I mean this is worthless. What is that candy? It's like Biff in part two Hello

Man, oh man, that was one for the books. I love that you tried to put it on its legs. All right, well that's, you know, I feel much better about the farting in the microphone. You're like, don't fart in their mics, they got us in shoddy chairs. I'm not gonna move an inch on that thing. Sorry. Yeah, a chair busted. Look at this. Well, this is not good for our guest fluffy who's coming in That's gonna really be a problem. Well now were you leaning? I don't think I was I think I was shifting There might be a lean my little lean

That's like the classic thing Man over here now, that's a chair Wow a steel chair old chair. Old school. Man, look at that. Do you think at wrestling, it's funny, I love these things about wrestling, like WWF or whatever, like you think at some point after like the third steel chair of the night, they'd be like, alright, we gotta make a rule, cause this is getting unfair, no more chairs

at ringside, that's crazy. People love the chair, the chair's a hit. Fun stuff. What were you talking about? I can't remember, You were about to run something by me and then... I have no idea. You're a lot of woman. I blacked out. Jesus Christ. I feel like Ralphie Mae. Ralphie Gay over here. Alright. Sorry everybody.

Alright. Okay. What were you going to say? Poughkeepsie eavesdropping. Yeah, I was going to comment, I I was gonna move on to a new thing. There's a new room in town. Really? I know you got sesh cooking, but- Tell me about the room.

Well, you know, as a Brooklynite now, an isotope, Second City opened a room in Williamsburg, and I did it last night. Unbelievable. Really? I mean, this room is lunch, State of the art, beautiful stage, packed out, big green room, bar, people hanging out. It was incredible. Now is it stand up room? It's everything. It's second city sketch, improv stand up. Man, this place is gonna

be something. I wouldn't mind getting down there. I did last night Williamsburg comedy club. Oh, that's a little box. Old Man Hustle, which this guy Pedro something, funny guy. You did the show the week before, Semporio or Spario or something like that. He had some funny jokes, but it's a little black boxy thing and if you fill it up, it's fucking beautiful. I did some new and it was one of the funnest sets I've had in a long time.

So Brooklyn's got some stuff. It's a perfect layout, yeah. I mean, they're both in Williamsburg, but hey hey I'm not complaining. It's a, Hop's giving a jump, I rode my city bike there. And yeah, that room is great for working out material and it's like what, 60 seats or something? So you can just fill that thing up like an Asian poon. Well right now I'm in that great sweet spot that I love where I have a special in the can, but it hasn't come out. So I still have that ammo, but now I'm working some new. So I got like 16 new minutes that are fun.

Man, you pump. 16 minutes takes me a year and a half. Well, you know, I had some of it. It's a little bit here, a little bit there. And then, you know, sometimes it's 11 with five minutes of like, oh, that's okay. I see, I hear you. But I got something. and I love that period though

where you're trying new, you're building the new hour, but there's not the pressure just yet, because I got a couple months before the special comes out. That is a great feeling. It feels like you got a little secret in your back pocket. You guys have no idea what about to drop on your ass. Yeah, it feels nice. And now the movie that,

I gotta talk a little bit about this, Tom. Oh, Key West! We had a Key West screening, and this movie is the runawayway Smash Hit of the Year. I love it, nice aisle. It's a Runaway train never coming back. So we got into the Key West Film Festival. You're at a festival, Jerry.

Which I didn't find out until this week. We were the first film booked. That was the first booking. They said we gotta do the Key West Film Festival. I said we got to do the Key West Film Festival. I said I got a movie about Key West and they said done and it's going to be the star of the Sunday afternoon which is kind of the big day in the festival. Well it's about the fucking place. I hope so. It's a character in the movie and so we're in the Key West Festival which is so cool to be at a festival for film. My whole family came down, it was very exciting, and the theater,

they picked this place called Williams Hall, which is an old church that's now a venue, and just by chance, they're screening it at Williams Hall, Sunday at 2 30 afternoon. This place is 175 yards from Tom Dustin's home. Wow, kismet! It's crazy, I mean like you can see it's a block and a half. And so he, they throw a big him and his girl, Kristen, who's wonderful. They throw a big pregame party and now Key West is it's, it's a community. So there's like 50 people there and everyone brings foods and snacks and Kristen cooked and there's a bar. My whole family's there was like 14 of us. And so it's cocktail hour and stories about Tom

and oh, I'm the director, you're the thing, and I got a little lamina that says filmmaker, which is quite a thrill. Wow! Did you get a director's chair? No chair. All right, who needs a chair? I got a hat though.

I need a chair. And so it's like, the screen's at 2.30, it's like 2.15, everyone's had a couple cocktails loose and we go all right let's go wow like a caravan wow we walk up the street and there's literally 40 people all walking we show up together and we're like where are the screening yes there's only 50 people that weren't at the party but we pile in and uh that the the festival was so thrilled. There was a few Tuesdays there. Hey, that's lunch. And I sat with Tommy, Sam Talent was there. Whoa, he took two seats. You ever spend time with that guy? Great guy. That is a first-class guy and a huge Tuesday. He's on the Patreon. Oh wow,

I'm touched, Sam. Sam Talent is on the Patreon. Wow, and he's got the best vocabulary. He's such a smart man. Like he's really well-read and he's articulate. Which vocabulary. He's such a smart man Like he's really well read and he's articulate which by the way He gave you a book of his to give to me like ten years ago. You never gave it to me Is that right? Yeah, I don't know seven eight years ago. I have it. Yeah, I'll give it to you All right, give me another eight years like to read it It's a great box if you're gonna give one of us a book I mean, I I read for the book and I read it. It's a great book. If you're gonna give one of us a book, I mean. I read for the book and I read it so poorly I didn't make the cut.

Ah, geez. That hurt a little bit. Well, what are you gonna do? But yeah, so Sam was there with his whole crew. He's just shooting a travel show on his own. Whoa! He's just paying money. He's got a crew.

He's got five guys with him. All great guys. Some of them could use a bit of a diet, some real heavyweights. Oh really? Geez. Look like the Alabama offensive line. Yeah, I know, Sam's like a funny Michael Moore. He's a big boy and just a great hang, great guy, great comic, and he was supposed to be

headlining the weekend, but then because we got the Key West Festival, we ended up splitting the weekend and we had a great time. Great time. I worry, 2.30 is a little, I mean, little, I mean in Key West 230 everybody's half in the bag by then. Oh people were in the bag but I gotta tell you it was the best screening we've had yet. We've done three screenings. This one murdered, people were cheering and everyone everyone that's in the film was at the theater. Yeah. And the laughs were like booming laughs. It's in an old church. It was it was spiritual Jerry

You know what? It's kind of like it's like a comic doing local jokes in the town local. It's like a local act Well, it was magical and how about this? We got What do you call that jurisdiction? What's it called? distribution Distribution we got a company that is coming, and we're gonna be in 30 to 40 independent cinemas. We'll get you the dates soon.

This movie's a runaway smash, Jerry. Wow. And one guy from the festival said, I watched every movie in the festival, this is by far the best movie of the festival. Jesus, is he not biased, because it's next door to his house? I don't know, he liked it, He said that's the best movie we saw and standing

oaf. I mean like just standing ovation, clapping, crying, laughing, queefing and so it's coming to a theater near you. January 9th we're doing a big one, Crystal Ballroom in Somerville Mass. Wow! That's like a 350 seater so so come out to that, but then it's gonna be coming to an independent cinema near you soon, and we did it, Jerry! We're in the movies! I'm blown! I'm blown away! And I've seen the movie, I can give it two thumbs in the butt, and then the magic thumb and sniff it, because that movie is top-notch, you're gonna get teary-eyed! It's a beautiful film, and after that, we're gonna have it on Punch-Up Live, I believe is the plan, so you'll be able to see it and and if you go see a screening you got to buy it because people are missing all these jokes like

Tom and I were with each other I'm like oh they missed that one because the laughs are so big so that's amazing it was awesome and just real quick we went out in a big boat day there was so many of us we rented three big pontoon boats. My whole family was on one boat. Sam had a whole crew on his boat and the Key West people. We just went out sailing and swimming and it was fucking awesome. We ran aground on Mud Key and we dipped and swam and what do you call it? Snorkeled and went all over the island and it was fucking incredible. I love Key West.

I am a lover of Key West. The ocean heels. I love Sam Talon. I love Key West. I'm a lover of Key West, the Ocean Hills, I love Sam Talon, I love Tom Dustin. Yes, can I just make a queefy statement that's gonna make you uncomfortable? So, did you realize what you're doing? You got Tom Dustin, who is your old best pal, you guys had a bit of a shift. You go to NYC, he stays in Beantown, then he goes to Key West, you're up here doing your ha-has and your zingers, he's down there doing his zingers, opens a club, you start this whole crazy career, but you don't want to lose sight of this guy. A lot of people just let their friends drift, not you. You go, hey, I like this guy, I want to keep this

alive, a film would be in order. Well, he's a special friend. And now you're bringing it back together, and now you're in a fucking festival, and you bring your boring ass parents down there. What are they doing? Nothing. Now you're giving them a little spark.

Now you're invigorating their life. I'm trying to spark, spark it up, spark plug, Sparky Anderson. Yeah. I remember distinctly, I was just reminiscing with Sarah I remember saying years ago I was like the two people I'd like to help the most in my life is Chris Walsh and Tom Dustin and I got Chris Walsh a principal role in a film and I made a film about Tom Dustin so I feel like I'm really coming in big with the friends.

And the film, films are your hug. Film is a hug. It's a hug hug me. Yes, love me Hold me drugs that hugs eight days a week Wow, that's really exciting and then you're making people's lives more interesting is what I'm saying. I'm trying to I hope so and Now is it getting into some theater? I think we could go do some promo and maybe I'll be able to make some of the cash back Which would be nice to I mean I'm thrilled with where we're at But and this is the other thing, I'd like to make my money back and then make money,

because it would be nice to send Tom a big old fat check. Sure. There you go, Slappy White. Take that. Yeah. What if Tom gets all, he gets a beret, he gets a scarf, he's gonna get all filmography on us. I would love if Tom just blew up. That would be nice.

He deserved it. I mean, the guy should have a podcast. He's got the voice, he's funny as hell, he's captivating, he's a character. I mean, he's a lock. I know, he should. It's all in the film. Watch the film. Go watch the movie.

It's a beautiful piece of material. And what's great is all of Salacuse's out of focus footage, people think it's artistic. Oh great, Dutch angle baby. Yeah, they're like, wow, I like the way every time Tom is saying something beautiful and serious it's focused on the fence behind him. And I said, oh yeah, we planned that. Yeah, well we're riding fences out here, symbolism. No, I'm just kidding, Sally, you're number one, you're aces baby.

It's offensive. So there you go Wait, you said three screenings. You got the Kiwi you got the NYC. We did Vegas Skankfest was the first one. Oh, I'm an idiot They've all been all been great, but January 9th Somerville Crystal Ballroom get on that That's gonna be something very exciting. You are moving and shaking like Tom Hang, uh, like Michael J. Fox. I'm trying my hardest. Very exciting. Wow. I don't know if I can top that.

I gotta, how about uh, speaking of friends doing big things. You see the Shane Gillis Bud Light ad? It's so good! I don't think I've seen it. I've seen a couple. There's a couple, aren't there? I just saw it on Twitter because I don't really watch TV anymore, but it's like a minute and a half long, so you're like, this is a little crazy for a commercial that commercials were 30 seconds

But I've seen it. It's fucking hilarious. He's he's he's normal in it He's not all commercially and dopey and it's a great premise for a commercial It's really it's really well done not the one where you get the beer if you tell the truth no no that was another one That was a ball that was great. This one is I think it's a little smarter and more interesting. Oh alright I gotta watch this. I feel like beer ads are back. I mean when I was a kid Bud Light had great ads. Bozo was the clown bar none. Remember there was first of all there was Antwins. Remember that? Oh yeah. That was a bit much but hey a young boy. I rubbed one out to it the big Super Bowl one was bud wise

Yes That was fun You do that with the n-word? But we'd go with an a at the end right but You know they had a real American hero That was big and there was another one. I like but these be girls in bras and bikinis and a lot of that what about wise? I didn't like that. I think that was Cedric the entertainer was that just a guy that looked like him

No, but what was the was that was I I think that was Bud Light. Okay? I didn't give her that one either, but it did pop That was huge pop to everybody was doing was a That was huge. Budweiser pop too. Everybody was doing, was ahhh! It was huge. The least funny people were doing it, because they were like, this is my chance. That was up there with, you can do it!

Those were huge. People that yelled that, I just felt like were bad. And the same people that yelled, get in the hole at golf turns every fucking swing. Get in the hole! We get it. Houston, we have a problem. That really made the rounds. Show me the money.

Run, Forrest, run. I was running in the 90s. Everywhere I run, people would go, run, Forrest. And you go, OK, that's funny. Which is funny, because I think Shane Gillis is the Forrest Gump of comedy. Oh, I can see that. Every night, he's throwing a baseball at the Phillies game.

He's shaking hands with Obama. He's on a Bud Light ad. He's helping retarded people. That's a good point. And he is retarded. So yeah, it's helping retarded people. That's a good point. And he is retarded. So yeah, it's a full forest. I can see it. He's gumped.

He's gumped. He's in a down syndrome. He shaved his head or something like that. I think as I get older, I'm like, does Weird Al suck? Maybe I'm just too old. Maybe it's for young people and I don't. I think the music adds up very well, but I feel like we could write those lyrics.

Yeah. In 10 minutes. I think so too. He can do the rhythm and the harmony and the anal, but we could write the lyrics. Yeah. So that was all. I mean, this second city was great.

Shows were great. This weekend, we're back on Protect Our Parks. Oh, nice. Yeah, so I'm sure I'll get some shit from comedians, but hey, you gotta live. We're trying to sell tickets here folks absolutely well I might have another thing here let me see oh yeah how about this now here's a this is a an airplane situation I don't think we've had before oh we've had them all fresh one I think number 9-eleven I feel like I've done the gamut so I

originally bought we had I'd like to fly Delta I gamut. So originally I bought, we had a, I like to fly Delta. I'm all Delta all the time. You're loyal. I'm a loyalist. And so I had flight, but they don't fly direct to Key West in November. It's very frustrating. Oh, come on.

So you gotta lay over in Atlanta, but now I have the baby, of course. So on the way down, we had a very short layover, which is tough because if you have a long layover, you can take the baby out and let them crawl around and fucking whatever. Good point. But with a short layover you're getting him off the plane and then running to another plane and he hasn't been able to move he's furious understandably. Plus when they you take off and land they don't know how to pop their ears and shit. It's just a nightmare.

So you're quadrupling or doubling four times the the headspace whatever the fuck that's called pressure pressure Head pressure must be so tough because you can't convey information to him speak the language Yeah, you can't be like this will pass in a second. You can't be like yawn or pull on your ear Right, they just go ah, they lose the shit. So The next we're flying back and it's Sunday night, we're flying back the next morning, I'm like, and this time we have a shorter layover. And I'm like, I'm not doing the two flights again. This is crazy.

I'm getting a direct flight to Newark. I've never flown to Newark, I haven't in 14 years, but I have the new apartment. So I get on a, I get on direct to Newark from United, which I hate United and I hate Newark. I'm on board with both of these. So we get the last two seats in the plane Both middle seats. She's behind me. We're like Maverick and goose. She's directly behind me. What would what row 24 25?

Lee but I'm like at least we'll get in three hours earlier And we don't have to worry about making our connection and having him furious So this is a real downgrade for you moon shot show because you're a big old status queef. I'm Diamond, I'm usually first class or comfort plus at the worst. Now I'm in economy middle with a baby. Oh man, this is an obstacle course. And so the baby right now is in a big dad cling phase. I'm like, I'll take the baby.

I try to take him on the flight anyways because Sarah has him more than I have him and I'm like, you relax. So I take the baby, the flight, first of all, I can't believe people have to be told this, but everyone has their fucking windows open on the, we're in Key West, it's 155 degrees. It's common knowledge that while you're on the tarmac,

you close the fucking window. The thing is cooking, it's heating up, you're in a metal tube, it's like a microwave. It's a magnifying glass and it just blows my mind that people don't have the common knowledge to be like, what if I have the sun not beaming in through a double pane glass? You don't have to tell me I hate the sun. So they come in, they go, ladies and gentlemen, while we're sitting here on the delay, could you close your windows? You fucking morons. And they go, and then half the people do, but half the people aren't listening. So it's

just sun cooking in. Cooking. And I'm in the middle seat it's it's 350 degrees in the plane. He's crying and kicking and screaming and my knees I'm a long dong silver. Yeah you're a daddy long leg. My knees are crammed and he doesn't know these people he doesn't... this chair is breaking Oh, okay. It's not my fat ass. It's the chairs folks. Don't swivel no swive So he's just grabbing their stuff and shirt and pants and then he's kicking this guy this woman's seat He's just like doing full like oh Like Kramer on Jerry's couch just I'm not gonna fit on this thing restless leg over here So I'm like asking Sarah. It really is like maverick and goose. I'm like bottle. I hate the bottle bottle toss it back. I'm like give me the towel. Give me the napkin. Give me the jingles fun

So it's brutal by the way as soon as he sits down he shits his pants like you're hoping to change him before he shits And he could immediately you're smelling it. You're like now I'm the guy in the middle seat with the crying baby and the shit filled butthole Yeah, and this lady every time he grabs her, I'm like, I'm sorry, she's like, it's okay, don't worry about it. He grabs this guy's glasses and breaks them, I'm like, I'm sorry.

Oh, man. So I'm like, they go, we got a half an hour delay on the ground, he goes, Newark is Newarking. This is how bad Newark is. The guy comes down and he goes, Newark is Newarking right now. Ha ha. There's always a delay, we're gonna have a longer delay.

This is why Newark sucks, and United sucks. So I say I gotta go change them because I'm like these people are everyone can smell shit. Yeah, but he sounds like a bully. Shitting on things, grabbing glasses. He's like Biff. He is Biff. So I go into the bathroom. The bathroom is 300 degrees hotter. It's 850 degrees in the bathroom. Yikes. I'm pouring sweat. He's kicking and screaming and yelling and there's shit everywhere. It's just like it's crazy. Literally drips of sweat in my eye. I'm pouring sweat, he's kicking and screaming and yelling and there's shit everywhere. It's crazy, literally drips of sweat in my eye, I'm taking off layers. And the heat, it brings the anxiety up and the blood pressure up. And then I'm just thinking about the flight attendants, everyone can hear them, so I finally get them all packed

and griddled and gumbled. By the way, later, that bathroom was out of service and I think it's because I filled the trash immediately with a big, stinky shit. I think they were like, we got to keep this shut. Yikes. Yeah, not good. You're hotboxed. So I go back to my seat, and I go to step into the middle, and the guy's like, you know what? Do you want to just switch?

And I go, oh, I can't do that. I don't want to make you take a middle seat. And he goes, no, no, you know what? It's OK. This is my wife in the window seat. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh, yeah, no, you're not getting the credit you fucking fruitcake. Right. She goes, no, I told him to switch and I go, oh, okay. He's like, yeah, that way we can sit together. But I realized we bought the last two seats on the flight, so they must have been checking going we're going to have a space between us. Good point.

I've done that. But then you think, as soon as I showed up with the baby, they would be like, I'll just take the window. Right. I mean the middle. But they must have, when I went to change the diaper were like you gotta change seats He's like I don't want to change seats. Yeah So it was a huge change. I really appreciated. Yeah, but you're also like yeah change

Go sit with your wife you douchebag better late than never but yeah, they should have done that immediately They never spoke to each other what they must have been fighting and they maybe that maybe she fucked a guy in Key West Or he fucked a guy it is Key West after all. Thatta boy Tommy. And then I just gotta say this, shout out to this man, I'll never know his name, the baby the whole time he's on my lap and he just kept kicking the fuck out of the seat. Wait, why don't you shift him? You shift and then he does this and this thing and then he's kicking this guy so I just kept grabbing his foot and trying to push it down and again you can't go, you're disturbing this gentleman. And then he wouldn't for a while and then he would

and he sleeps for a while. While he sleeps for an hour, you don't. He must've kicked this guy's seat 50 times. The guy gets up at the end of the flight and I'm like, I am so, so sorry. The guy goes, didn't bother me. He did great. And he gave the baby a fist pound.

Who are these heroes? This man is an absolute hero. He had a Pittsburgh Steelers jacket on. I mean my son kicked this kid's, this guy's seat I'm gonna say realistically 20 times. That's not horrible. No, I mean over the course of three hours. It's not great but it was enough and I think people have, I mean if it was a five year old or if it was an adult, he probably would have murdered or raped him, but. Hopefully.

He was just awesome and he was like, no, he's great and didn't even bother me. I mean, it was just unbelievable. See, you are united. I hate to say it, maybe it's not that bad of an airline, it's got good clientele, that's all I'm saying. Yeah, we were late. Ah, Newark.

Great trip, I just feel like a million bucks. Yeah, don't let that seat-kicking sour you because you're in a festival, you won the best of the fest or whatever the hell it is, and yeah, you got home and on a direct. Distribution baby. We're going to come to all the cities I sell well in, they said. So probably Austin, Seattle, LA, Detroit, Boston, New York, Tampa. Hell yeah, Tampa. That's going to pop because they go to Key West like it's a Tuesday. Right, exactly. So keep your eyes peeled for that.

You got to come see this movie. Support the movie. Support independent cinema. But support comedy. This is a real comedy. This isn't like some rom-com bullshit. This is straight fiery comedy. I mean, Tom, you can't believe how funny this guy is.

When he picks up, I'm not going to give it any way, but when he picks up that air gun, and I mean, I fucking lost it. The jokes are great. You got some stand up in it too, which is killer. And it's got heart, Jerry. Oh, this heart up the asshole. Yes, heart disease. And I got a heart on.

But this is a great film. And I can't wait to show the ladies all hit. When's this coming out? When are we going to see it? Wow, you come up to January 9th to see the screening. Boston, that's like two weeks for the baby. See the family. Yeah.

Well, we'll buy it on Punch Up, too. What are you doing, the baby moon? You going somewhere right before? Well, we got a hefty holiday, we're going to NOLA for the thanks, then we're going to Bean Town for the Crist, and then I, she can't fly once you're that far along apparently. Right, that's true, yeah.

So I said, how about we get a train to Montreal, just live it up in Montreal, because it's kind of close, you know? Sure. And, ah, didn't take, but I'm trying. I don't know what, maybe the Hamptons, but it's cold out, so it's a tough one. Yeah, I'll be in Montreal February 7th, by the way. Big return.

Uh, maybe what about Hudson Valley is something? Hudson Valley. The cold is a bitch. Cold sucks. But, uh, yeah, we'll figure something out. Call in if you have any ideas. How are you looking there? I'd say you have like six minutes. Oh looking there? I will say she is a real

trooper with this pregnancy I mean she's waddling around she's got the hands on the hips like she's passing out everywhere she's this couch just eight o'clock she's snoozing like a Cosby fan yeah it's pretty great and you gotta get in there and have that sex because I was just looking at photos of my wife pregnant and I miss it. I don't get to fuck a fat shit anymore. I mean I'd have to fuck Chuck if I wanted to have sex with an overweight lady. That's true. Yeah, the sex is fun.

It's weird though when you got a hand on the gut and you feel that kick and you're like oh jeez I didn't know this was a threesome. Yeah, well it's ribbed for his pleasure and I loved it I loved every second of it the big tits the cleavage the giant nipples and those orgasms. Big brown tits too she's got like National Geographic nips. Send me a couple, a sketch just sketch it with a pencil. I'll do a rendering. Yeah please. I'll send it to a police sketch artist we'll get a whole thing going. How about that Daniel Perry's on trial? You following that at all? I am.

The guy came out with some new news. New news? New news. What's new news? Uh, I think it's a baby item. The new news. I think we got to get that from your house. But if you don't know, Daniel Penny. Penny, that's it. He choked a hobo out who was being disruptive on the train

and apparently killed the guy on accident and now he's going to jail For murder. Yeah, this is the verdict out. Well by the time this comes out. He's probably already served his sentence He's gonna have a podcast and be better than ours. No, I think they should be a bust of this man I mean, he's a Marine he came on this this kook came on was I'm gonna kill everybody on here and penny put up in the old fucking rear naked joke and killed him and I mean we say a prayer for him every night, we kiss his picture before bed. The problem is the racial component ruins everything because if it was black on black I feel like we wouldn't even be tweeting about it but that throws a wrench in the old honky

gears. Yeah wrench in the hooahs but how about when I was gone, a hobo, kook, stabbed three people, killed two of them. I heard! I was so glad they caught them and slapped the cuffs on, and then stupid Mayor Adams is like, whoa, we got some research to do, how are we gonna figure this out? I'm like, get the kooks in jail! Well, he's already out apparently. No, he's not out. He's already passed the celery. Yeah, if it's not a gun law or whatever, it's not a gun crime, they let you out. That's a lie. I mean, he murdered two people.

The hammer guy was hitting people in the head with a McDonald's, like RFK, and they don't eat that, and then he got out in ten minutes. Now this guy's gotta be locked away and thrown away with a key. He killed two people. Put him in the cage with Penny. Let them have it out. Can you imagine you're sitting there watching the sunset and picking daisies and painting flowers

and a fucking hobo goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and fucking stabs you in the chits. Three people, you know why he did it? They asked him, you know what his answer was? This is eerie. They go, why'd you do it, man? You killed three innocent people, you psycho.

And he goes, they were alone. Oh, wow. Woo, I mean, that is a chill down the old tank yikes well good thing I always have my dog with me black lab Mabel yes yeah Mabel terrifying a lot of throw away the key or whatever yeah I mean this guy is like a horror story coupe this is like saw shit the scariest thing oh he saw shit. See something saw something.

Alright, I gotta do some plugging. I've been bad at plugging. Plug it up! I got some big gigs coming up. Let me get my calendar over here. Well Town Hall got there, so let's get everything else there. That Town Hall was something else. It's gonna be a behind the scenes video of that coming.

When do you come out? When does this come out? 12-2. Okay, great. 12-2. What do you come out? When does this come out? 12-2. Okay great. 12-2. What do you got Fatty? Well we got Dojo sold out. I'm in San Diego this weekend, first time in fucking 25 years. I'll be in San Diego. Good lord I got a nice guarantee so please buy tickets to that. That'll sell. Next Wednesday the regs are at the Gramercy Theater with some special guests I think. That's fun. Next two weeks from now, Wednesday the 18th,

I'll be at Soul Jolls. Ah, I just did it. It's a great time. I love that room. And the 17th, I'm doing my own show at SESH, featuring Mark Normand, I hope. And Karen Feehan will be there and some others. That's gonna be fun.

And then, oh, I have the wrong book. Hold on, hold on. January 9th, of course, Somerville Theater, the movie is playing. Kansas City, January 16th through the 18th. Sunnyvale, California, happen to be coming back to Rooster Teeth Feathers. Whoa. January 23rd, 25th. Houston, January 23rd, February 1st. Montreal is February 7th. Nashville in Zany's. I mean, Zany's in Nashville, my brain is just fucking mushy

that's March 7th and 8th and then Tempe coming back there March 13th to the 15th and my most requested city I know I've been there in years it's just a mishap my blame my agent email him act me Minneapolis April 12th I mean if as many people that have fucking messes me about Minneapolis come to this show we should be doing the fucking arena yes you and George Floyd and of course great guy and the Wilbur Theatre April 19th a lot of big fun stuff and the patreon is out of control Jerry out of control I'm all over the road. I mean I have to give a plea a plea Plea plea A plea bargain.

A plea bargain? Is that what it is? That's something. I'm going to New Orleans for Thanksgiving. I go every year. This is my hometown. Tickets are shit! I know New Orleans is a late town, everybody says that, but Jesus, I'm coming to the Orpheum. Please buy a fucking ticket. That's a beautiful room. I can't let my parents down. They're already disappointed in me. So yeah, come to the Orpheum. I'm doing the Ryman in Nashville. Whoo! That is very exciting. Very exciting. It's not till May, so we got a couple minutes, but I gotta plug. Dallas

Improv, Houston Improv, Phoenix Stand Up Live. So a lot of going back to the clubs. We're in a Providence I think this weekend. It's already sold out. We're adding some shows and Yeah, a couple more dates in the book So mark no McCombie comm go to punch up check us out on their punch up comm slash our names And yeah get on the patreon queef it up and praise Allah chuckles And yeah get on the patreon queef it up and praise Allah chuckles Oh, no, no, no thing check out tell him Steve Dave Cast no fun bearable the podcast Chuck has this podcast with Ray Harrington and that other guy I was very nice. His name is Brad

Brad rawr and they do a Halloween episode every year, every week, it's awesome. They had the Tom, big Thanksgiving episode. They dress up like pilgrims, I assume. They have Tom Wilson and Michael J. Fox coming on. He always says crazy guests, it doesn't even make sense. He's got like, Pam Anderson is coming on and blowing them.

Fun bearable, don't miss it. Get on the Patreon. And happy December. Holy shit, hope you have a good Thanksgiving. And we're gonna take Christmas week off, as we have, for fucking 11 years. So don't shit on a bag of tits. Most of you guys are so wonderful,

but then everyone's about, oh my god, they bank episodes. And then we take one week off and they go the fuck is this oh my god go back to the old stuff go back to the patreon I mean I'm sure there's something you haven't seen so that'll fill that hole patreon is ripping it's roaring it's rocking it's Brad roaring there you go folks you heard it here third see you all in Hell. Sweep it up.

Love you too. Bye.