Tuesdays with Stories! - #583 The Brown Bomber

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

It’s December and the boys are FLIPPING for Christmas baby!! They’re psyched up for the holidays and our apparel is GAY! Joe and Mark talk about historic fights they love. Joe gets into a historic BOMB that he had on a Tuesday night! Wow! He’s blown! Mark has a similar stinker with a fat dating app joke! The boys are getting loopy and kooky baby! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get a one-dollar-per-month trial period of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  - Support the show & get 30% off of your Raycon order sitewide. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. Hey! Nonny Nonny! We're here, we're queer, we're back folks in the weird Gotham studio. Thanks again for having us, Peters. Gotham Studios best god damn podcast studio in the weird Gotham studio. Thanks again for having us, Peters. Gotham Studios best goddamn podcast studio in the sky.

And we just happen to be wearing the same thing as last week. What are the odds? Yeah, it's pretty good. I mean, I just, I mean, I called you up. I said, what are you wearing? And you said the same thing. And I said, I'll wear the same thing. And Chuck even wore the same thing. Weird. We're in sync, periods. But I got gotta tell ya, I'm clearing stuff out of the house cause you pack all this shit. I read a stat, 80% of the things you own, you don't ever use or look at or fuck with.

So I've been throwing shit out like crazy. The baby's gone, I got rid of the wife. I mean, I'm just throwing things in the dumpster. 80% seems high. I mean, think about every knick-knack, trinket, t-shirt from, uh, hey, I went to the Six Flags in Omaha and I fucked my dad. You know, that shirt's gone. But you gotta look at it, at least.

I display, I do, I display a lot. There's some forks I don't get to, maybe, or a spoon. Forks? I mean, I'm, I'm, you got drunk drawers? That's literally a junk drawer. It's full of paperclips dildos and then miscarriages Well my backpacks like that cuz every time I go to clean my backpack. I find something that I will want at some point I'm like that's a chamomile tea. I'm like sometimes in the road Yeah, or there's a you know a stapler and you're like I got a state my dick to my balls

so I'm working with Zach Amiko or there's a a chipotle gift card or a fucking stick of gum because you're like my breath might stink this floss So all the stuff you're like I need all this but it's just a big jumbly stupid mess. Well in the backpack I'll give you but I have Lanyards from every me too Tom dick and Harry I've paid out and all these things and you're like man None of it it's just boxes and boxes of all this bullshit that I I have old notebooks that I'll never open again but you feel bad throwing it out it's like a Christmas card you're like I appreciate

this but I don't want to just chuck it well this is the thing is that people act they go hey you got to get rid of this stuff you're a hoarder you're a pack rat but then when you find all the people that have the old stuff you're so jealous of it's amazing everyone's not do a comedy for 25 years every once in a while someone will show up at the cellar or post a thing they have a newspaper clipping right and it's like Mark Normand emceeing right Brett Butler featuring and you know Bill Hicks headlining you know look at this that's crazy like the Apollo showed me his book from like 88 one time I'm like that's

awesome that's great I'm keeping, that's awesome. That's great I'm keeping everything. Yeah, take it all back some of it like a laminate you find like Montreal 2008 Look at this fucking yeah, so some stuff you wish you had but it is hard in New York particularly because you now you have a big House, but you know if you have a house you have an attic with all that stuff. I do finally go through it It's such a thrill to have true. That's true's true, but you could do that twice in your life maybe. It's like that scene in Christmas Vacation where he's up on the roof, he's got the wedding dress on and the weird hat and he's looking at all the photos, he's got the 8mm reel going. That scene makes me tremendously emotional.

Really? It's a beautiful film, yeah. Christmas is watching the ones you love and he's got the little blue thing. Yeah, I mean, it's such a touching moment Now we're in the Christmas season and just watching Somebody longing for that's really a beautiful sad movie This person trying to recreate and longing for the Christmas as a youth that you just can't get back. So true It's that's what John Hughes was always so great about is capturing that youth and that feeling of being kind of a lost soul and spirit. Right. And then once you're the adult, that's how it was for the adults when he was a kid. Yes. He just didn't realize it and now he's in the adult thing and it becomes about the kids.

And then of course it's a beautiful film because they end it with a punch line of his foot going through the ceiling or whatever it is. Right. And then he uses the heat which is another, punch on top of the punch yes he does this he's excited to have it and then there's another button with a lay the mother-in-law opens the fucking thing and he happens to be sitting on it and lands on it which is great that is a fucking masterful movie John Hughes should have a bust a plaque a statue something just an amazing just amazing I mean tribute the my favorite and and Ronan hates him well Ronan has no soul and no heart and he's got Jew horns yeah it's it's a problem but that's his it's his issue he's got to work out you got

to hug your dad or go to temple but yeah great film I love Christmas we should just make this the Christmas episode. I'm a Christmas guy. I hate the people that don't like Christmas. Ah, Jews! Now you had to deal with a warm weather Christmas that's so strange and gay to me. Now we all do because of the climate farts. Yes, I'm enjoying this November, by the way. Oh, it's awesome.

50 degrees, I love it. Oh, I think it's in mid-November. I was like, yeah, she's hot. Oh, yeah. I love it. Oh, I think said missed November. I was like, yeah, she's hot But by the way recording this in December But What was I gonna say? Yeah, it was warm for Christmas for you, right? Yes. I mean we would go all out We'd buy that weird white shit you'd put on the window Just to give it that a that snowy glow we had the fake snow on the window just to give it that snowy glow. We had the fake snow on the tree. It wasn't great. You go outside, you're wearing a coat, you're like, oh god, I'm hot, I'm sweating.

But we got like 61 degrees every now and then, and we hit that heater on, it was a good time. We had hot cocoa, we're sweating in the living room. You spray painted the windows, then the neighbors spray painted the outside. That's true, yeah, a lot of graffiti. or sweating in the living room. He spray painted the windows, then the neighbors spray painted the outside. That's true, yeah, a lot of graffiti. But we got a couple of white Christmases and it really is beautiful to have the snow coming down. It's nice.

And I was just telling the story to Sarah. I have a core memory. In like 2002, 2003, I would drive down to New York and do bringer shows at New York Comedy Club, the one on 23rd Street, which is all changed now. Wow. And it'd be like a four-person bring-around. I'd have Derek and his buddies from King's Point come, and I would drive all the way

down just to do five minutes. And I was, there was, sometimes I'd do it at Stand Up New York too, and I was on the Upper West Side, there was the Manhattan Diner, which is no longer there. It was on like 77th and Broadway. It was like a corner. And I sat outside and the Sinatra version of have yourself a merry little Christmas. And it was like a light snow started falling.

And I remember getting like glassy eye cause I was 20 years old and I was like, I'm here, I'm doing it. Somehow I got the balls to drive down here. I'm doing a spot in New York. It was Christmas time and I was obsessed with New York. I was obsessed with it from Woody and Seinfeld. It just felt like I'm in there.

Because when you're young, when you go somewhere, you're like, I can't believe I'm here. I'm actually in the place from the movies. 100%. Yeah, I remember moving to New York. I remember the first snowfall I saw living in a shit box in Crown Heights. I had two roommates. I was hungover. I woke up early because the sun was coming in. We couldn't afford blinds. And I kicked my two roommates who were on an air mattress. We were so poor. And I go, it's snowing. And one was from Connecticut,

one was from, I don't know, like Denver, and they were like, shut up, who can't, we're all on a bender. And I was, I remember my head hurting, and being like, ah, look at that, it's beautiful! And I ran outside, and I caught one in my mouth, and a black guy yelled at me, and I went back inside, but never forgot it.

Snow is fun, it's magical, we never seen it anywhere, hasn't snowed in New York since 1988. Now it rained today, that would have been snow four years ago. Right, it's magical we never see it anymore hasn't snowed in New York since 1988. Now it rained today that would have been snow four years ago. Right it's very frustrating but also I remember January 19th 2002 the Patriot the Tuck Rule game the big Patriots Raiders post 9-11 where Brady fumbled but it wasn't a fumble and I was in Times Square because I did a bringer that night in New York comedy club I had one of the best sets of my life then we didn't know any, so we went to the ESPN Zone in Times Square. Oh no.

It was like me and my buddy, we were 20, and we were like, I know a bar, sports bar, Times Square, because nobody, there was no Google, there was nobody. No, no. And no one I ever knew certainly had gone to New York City. That was unheard of. Sure. So we went to the ESPN Zone, we watched the Patriots win,

and it was a big snowstorm, and we went out into Times Square did snow angels. We're the Boston It was fucking awesome. We were drunk on vodka that I stole from my mother. It was just the best snow is Magic at night time. It's funny because it's magical. It's pretty but it's also killed people There's avalanches and frozen body. No, you see the movie alive. Those fuckers are out there. They must hate snow. Yeah. The shining is all chilly. But when you're in New York, it's pretty great. I have a memory foam. Uh, me and my buddies did an open mic. It was Matt Marano and a couple of other guys. Remember him? Yeah. And, uh, I think Alex Grubard. I can't remember who it was. Love Grubard. We were all in the snow and we were drunk running around the East Village and I remember I got snowball.

Couple of, you know, cut ups, couple of kids and I go, oh you want to do that? You want to go? And now we're doing the snowball with randos and you know, getting ahead, we're laughing, we're rolling over cars trying to dodge the balls and just a a hoot and holler. I love dodging the balls Chuck's mother's house. Yes. I don't know that was a stretch. I don't know but whatever so it was my ball bag Also another memory maybe the same year 2002 might to get a reading on that. I think it was Christmas 2002 old Derek Dunham and Walsh and I he was home from school and we went and saw

Catch Me If You Can, Christmas night, came out of the theater, big snowstorms, we went to Whitman Town Center, and it was late at night on Christmas morning, or Christmas night I mean, and there was about two inches of snow, we had a football, we just played football in the middle of the street,

and to this day it's the most fun I've ever had without having sex or drinking. Wow. And a cop came by and goes, hey, what are you guys? It was like, fucking, it's a wonderful life. He was like, hey, what do you think you're doing out here? And we go, hey, we're playing football. He goes, you think you can be playing football in the middle of the street?

We were like, wow, it's Christmas. We're having a good time. Yeah, what a douche. And he was like, what are you bozos drinking? We said, no, I'm not drinking at all. I went and saw Catch Me If You Can, you fucking queef. What is this, the Grinch? Get out of here, you copper.

Yeah, beat it. Bert and Ernie, by the way, the cops from It's a Wonderful Life. Oh. Which everyone thought Bert and Ernie were named after that. But then later, someone claimed it wasn't. It was just friends of Jim Henson, and he had never even heard of It's a Wonderful Life

or something. Interesting. And then funny way, it's like when Kennedy was shot in a Lincoln, but Lincoln was shot by Kennedy's dad or whatever it was. Oh yeah. He ran to a bookstore and the other guy ran to a theater. He ran to Maryland.

He was inside Maryland Monroe. That's the big punchline. But yeah, that shit's eerie as fuck when you hear that. You're like, whoa, the great magnate is working. Louis is a funny, I shouldn't give away his bit, but it's the crazy that Trump is almost shot in the fucking head of course I mean it was shot in the head he was yes yeah yeah and then apparently another attempt I don't know and he's he's angry but the shooter and RFK is angry at Captain Crunch that must have been wild you just hear like ah

you said it hurt too I bet yeah bullet on ear. I mean we've had this one. Oh yeah. Oh that on a cold day. That's a prick. Now I wonder what hurt more. Holyfield getting his ear bit off or Trump getting skimmed because I feel like the Holyfield must have hurt a lot more. I mean he bit a piece of his ear off.

Because you're piercing and pulling. Yeah. You know this was just a straight shot. That's like a bite down and a yank cuz he went Dwight did it twice by the word Well, the first one was the one that bit off his ear that he bit him on the other ear afterwards I didn't know it there was two ear bite. Oh big time. Yeah Too bad. He didn't bite Jake Paul. He might have won. Yeah boy. That was tough boy was that fight I mean the Jesse Smollett fight was better than that

Well the problem with that now I, now we're getting timely because this happened up six months ago. Well this is not, this is out in the ether because that was the worst fight of all time so people are still talking. Hopefully they're still talking but this is what was so frustrating because as you'll learn in just a few weeks with the baby, sleep economy is big. Like now, I mean you always want to sleep and everyone likes to sleep, but you have so much less that you're like

every 10 minutes, eight minutes, three minutes, you're like please, just let me shut my eyes. Right. So that night, that fight just fucking went on and on. And the lady fight was great. That was great. And then you're like okay, finally, it's like 12, 30 a.m., you're like finally,

like the fight will be starting in 30 minutes. And you're like, you're fucking me. And they're just. me and then midnight literally they got me on the line. They're pulling me Well, you must have been in Central time because it was like 1240. I felt like what maybe it was after midnight And so I'm like I should go to bed But I've invested so much and then you watch the whole fight and you're like that sucked I just sacrificed an hour of sleep for the, it looked like he stepped on a bunch of gum. I know, and that walkout was so sad, and he's just old and short and gay

and walking over there. Then he was like crying in the corner. I was like, what are we doing with this poor, it felt like Biden. It was like a, like elder abuse. Yeah, yeah, you gotta. Biting the glove. I guess he was trying not to bite the ear, you know,

that old thing. Yeah, that was very weird. He's an odd duck, that. It's a win-win for Paul because you lose to Mike Tyson, hey, Mike Tyson, one of the best of all time, living legend, of course I lost. You win, hey, I beat the fucking Mike Tyson guy, I'm the man, and everybody gets money. That's true, but I also heard the opposite take of it. Please, hit me.

The lose-lose take is if you lose, you just loft lost to a 58-year-old guy who's double your age, and you win and you just beat up a 58-year-old guy. I heard a lot of people go, this guy's a poser idiot, he's just fighting elderly men who are way past their prime. And if you lose, you're like, this is crazy, you just lost to an elderly, past-his-prime guy. I guess, yeah. I mean, it's still're like, this is crazy. You just lost to an elderly past his prime guy. I guess. Yeah. I mean, it's still Mike Tyson because that's the reason we watched the fight because you're like, it is an elderly man, but it's Mike Tyson. Right. Otherwise we wouldn't have cared. Isn't it weird too that like he could just beat the fuck out of us though. Tyson? Yeah. Oh yeah. Just one punch to just fucking end your life. Yeah, yeah, but it doesn't feel very surreal.

It feels like some weird Roman shit, where like, let's put these two idiots together and have them battle it out and we'll have celebrities in the crowd. And it's the same with the John Jones fight in the garden, where he gives Trump the belt, he bows to Trump, it felt like Gladiator or something, the best fighter gives it to the emperor you know

is there anything crazier in the history of the universe than the turnaround on Trump like two years ago it was like oh my god and then this guy the champion fighter is like doing the Trump dance the NFL guys are doing it and that's never been cool that's what's so weird is like the president has never been cool in that way. I guess JFK was also shot in the head. But a JFK was like when you, I mean, I guess he'd be on like the rat pack did like benefits for him and stuff. But like, I don't think there was a time where like the champion of the world would be like, that's right.

I'm the champion. Like, yeah, just so crazy to be like, me and this guy, that's how popular he is in this group. It's fascinating. And then like two years ago, you couldn't say you liked Trump. Now people are like, ah, fuck you, I love him. And there's a booth at LaGuardia of MAGA shit. How crazy is that?

Really? Yeah, there's a MAGA stand. No kidding. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Well, more power to him. There you go. But I'm just saying, you're right, it's flipped.

A lot more power to him. Yeah. But that was fun. I like a good fight. A fight is such a fun sport event because the anticipation of these two guys fighting. If I could go back to anything, any event in my life, in my life, in history, I would go back to March 8, 71, Ali Frazier won at the Garden. That would be my valentine. I mean, two undefeated champions, both with a claim to the title,

in their prime, arguably Ali's a little past past this prime. You take some time off but like Madison Square Garden who's gonna win? Yeah, and then you have like the light-skinned guy verse the dark-skinned guy Conservative guy verse the liberal even though they weren't those things necessarily that was the take that was the take and then Ali's funny too and Interviews he's saying funny shit. You ever see the Schwarzenegger clip? Schwarzenegger clip with Ali. He's on some late night show with a guy and the guy's like, oh, you know, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger He won the he's the pumping iron guy and he's like, would you say he goes Schwarzenegger goes Watch it buddy. You know, like he's saying, it's Schwarzenegger. Yeah, and he's been funny He's a funny guy funny guy, but he kind of ruined Joe Frazier's life there, but really well

He's calling him a monkey and an uncle Tom and ugly and what was so crazy about it is that he's like he's an uncle Tom But Joe Frazier like anything but an uncle Tom. He's got like it was interesting cuz Ali had like a white trainer Frazier had a black trainer. Ali is sort of Sort of lower middle class. His parents were like, I think, like- Chaircroppers? Teachers or something. I mean, not teachers. I'm thinking of Dave Chappelle. They were something. He's a Kentucky guy. I confused my Muslims, converted Muslims. But anyways, I think he did a little better

financially. Joe Frasier was like dirt poor and a little less educated. And Ali kind of framed him as this Uncle Tommy guy. Maybe there's a little projection going on there. I guess so, but he controlled the narrative, as they say. He's like a politician. And he's like, he's a gorilla, and I'm gonna get the gorilla. And he had the rubber gorilla and he's like punching

Oh, yeah, and Joe Frazier was like, what is this and Joe Frazier actually helped him get back Commission to get he led to money to care of him and Ali was like I'm trying to sell a fight damn poor Frazier Yeah salad and scrambled eggs and Frazier Frazier that great line on On Howard Stern like 20 years later. He's like, look at both of us. You tell me who won those fights. Oh, those are the Parky. Yeah, the Parky.

Damn. Parky and the brain. Yeah, there you go. Fucked up, right? That was a stretch. Oh, yeah. Twitchy. But yeah, so we said all those things. And but then that kind of made Joe Frazier the conservative-y guy because Ali was against the war and protest and went Muslim, so all these hippies kind of were on his side.

Interesting. What a great show. There'll never be a sporting event quite like that again. I don't know. I mean, we're in a big era of sports, don't you feel? I mean, it's like WNBA. Never mind, I take it all back But yeah, you know like just that thing of like this guy represents this this guy

Represents that this guy shouldn't be funny and a lot of people I think were like Frazier's gonna shut him the fuck up Which you did the first fight and we're gonna show that guy. He fucking dodged the draft He's gonna Frazier's gonna make him suck a fucking dick this guy he right and boy did he ever they ever see that knockdown punch it is really something you know what you know is another big one is the max Schmeling Schmeling and Joe Lewis Joe Lewis yeah what is that the 40s yeah I think that was post-world war right around that it was right at the beginning of World War two I've been 38 39 of the Nazis, because it was a German fighter. And it's a lot of racial bullshit going on in America,

but then yet we're all rooting for this Afro-American. Joe Lou. Joe Lou to win this thing. So it was a lot and all the black people got to rise up and go, that's our guy. He's doing it for America. Even though America fucked us, he's going to save the day and beat the Germans. Daddy knocked the fuck out of him Did he yeah, I killed him the max one one. Oh, is that right? And then I think give this a go there It's well, I think shelling had smelling had been champion at some time for some way But I think he I come up with gangster ass shit like every single day. But yeah, he's Smacked him around and beat him in the third round or something like that.

It's funny to think in the 30s you kind of were like as a white guy you're like, we won, we're the best. And then you see these black athletes come in, you're like, that must have taken a couple years of like, maybe they are pretty good. You ever watched the SNL skit? Michael Jordan, the first black Harlem Globetrotter? Oh, that's a classic It's great because they're just five white guys just passing the ball. Just pass it to each other. It's very funny. That's funny Schmeling versus Joe Lewis HM e L I N G Joe Lewis

I only said it because there were multiple fights so they must write a loss and a win in there It's only then a tie break and then Lewis had fought in the war, he's like, he's a real hero. Crazy thing, everybody served, Mel Brooks was in the military, every fucking Tom, Dick and Anil, then Elvis had to go, Muhammad Ali had to go. We made you hit that army. Yeah, Israel still does that. That's right. Yeah.

Well, you know, thank God that draft is over. That's terrifying. When I was a kid, I was so scared of the draft. Same. Hate the draft beer. I would have gone to the Air Force. That's what you do. If you're getting drafted, you just go, give me the Air Force.

Why is that? Now you're up on a plane. Well, a plane is scary, but you're not in the, you're not a grunt. You're not in the grass and the mud and the shit. I mean, don't get me wrong I mean Air Force you're running a risk but it's better than the army or Marines certainly I wanted to be the phone guy you know the guy who pulls up to the battle later he's like hey it's crazy out here someone send some more people I'll be in a cave hiding but that guy's scary too

because you don't have the gun on you get the phone I like a phone I can text I can tweet I love you can't fire back gun on you get the phone. I like a phone I can text I can tweet I love you can't fire back now. You're going can you hear me now? Give that guy a pistol nothing he's got a pistol, but he's gonna take the phone call. That's true, but I'd be doing this shit No, it wasn't a phone. It wasn't an air pods. It was like you had to crank it and hold it as a rotary Yeah, it was exactly I see I see They had a big backpack on it too. The phone required a lot of mechanics back there. You were like a Ghostbuster.

Right. What do you got? Alexander Graham Schmeling. I got no mic. Huh? Oh, you want us to read it? Toss it over there. Oh, sorry.

You can't read that much words. It's like a paragraph. Why did Max Schmeling and Joe Louis fight twice? Sounds like a street joke. Because we'll... All right. Joe Lewis fight twice. Sounds like a street joke. Because, for starters, Max had stopped Joe Lewis in the only loss Joe suffered in his first career. Interesting. Now what happened there? Why did he beat him? Because I know he beat the shit out of him the second time. In 1936, with the backdrop of Nazi Germany and Hitler, the number two ranked contender

and former heavyweight champion German Max Schmeling, boy he must have gotten zinged as a kid, stunned the world and beat the number one contender and rising superstar Joe Louis. The number one and number two contenders fought in order to force a mandatory title order from the National Boxing Association at the time, the only official sanctioning body. Blah, blah blah blah Lewis was 10 to 1 favorite to beat the former champion Schmeling but Max one of the first fighters to use film to study his opponents had noticed Joe carried his left low and dropped it after jabbing leaving him open to counters Max counter with a hard right the entire fight finally stopping the

brown bomber in the 12th round so I'm bomber sounds like Lewis but then the second fight though he took care of business yeah yeah but boy what a what a an event brown bomber sounds like Lewis nothing oh I was confused because of Joe Lewis ah so you had too many Louis's going on. A lot of Louis's. You had two of us. Joe Louis J. Gomez. There we go. Oh my god, this chair is going to go any second. They spared no expense on the chairs back there. You've got to be shitting me.

They spent all their money on printing out posters here. A fat-faced Joe List. Yep. Look at that. That is a tough face. That's a lot of neck and jowl. Yeah. A jowl movement. My lips are missing. My, oh, Jesus. Well, that's a tough face. That's a lot of neck and jowl. Yeah, I mean my lips are missing, my, oh Jesus.

That's a real photo, there's no doctor in there. No, I just doctored. Let me see this thing. This is- Call a doctor. You gotta be kidding me. What's this from the 80s? The lips, the teeth, what a mess. You're a comedian, you're not supposed to look too good.

Yeah, well. Keep that one down though, I'm trying to focus. Don't worry about that though happening there we go Anyways, oh, let me tell you this story speaking of one of these people please fight me I had one of the all-time but it's bobs are rare these days Don't you think we're not in the world but in our comedy not in guys. Yeah Well, I did the fat black pussy cat. I've been going back to the cell and I might be done I mean I went I did the fat black pussy cat. I've been going back to the cellar and I might be done. I mean, I went, I did the fat black pussy cat bar.

God, oh, the bar. Lot of syllables, the bar is tough. Sometimes it's good, low bar. Bar mitzvah. Bar harbor. It's just. I passed the bar. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it stinks.

It's like life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains. I do a set and I'm hanging out, my niece is there. She's hanging out. She wants to come by she's a she's 19 years old pace pace. Ah Exactly pu That's funny. Oh, yeah pu. I remember the first time I said pu to you. You've never laughed harder in your life Pu pu is great. I've been using it You said somebody's name and I said, oh, PU.

You fell on the floor laughing. PU is good. I mean, I do it whenever the wife walks in. It's a good time. Oh, boy. Anyway, so. I'll never forget it. We were in my kitchen.

You were like, oh, I just watched someone special and I went, oh, PU. You fell on the ground. I've never seen you laugh so hard. I love PU. Big fan. Big fan. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. Oh, P.U. You fell on the ground. I've never seen you laugh so hard. Big fan. Big fan. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. If your online store looks like garbage,

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And she's she just gone to town hall. That's the only thing about this story. I did town hall on Saturday We talked about it. You're here 1,400 people or whatever it is 1,200 people and The literally the best show of my whole life, which I say about 12 times in that video It's embarrassing, but I'm saying it to different people. You said it about a show at a bar last week. But you left it in every take, because I say it to nine people. But when you cut it together, I look like an asshole. But everybody's just hearing it once.

Right, right. Whatever. So this is comedy. This this is what keeps it grounded and humble and humiliated. Roller coaster. You do a roller coaster. This is what keeps it grounded and humble and humiliated. Roller coaster. You do a roller coaster. Oh, blobs. You do town hall and you think, I am the greatest comedian

there ever was. It's unbelievable. I should be a billionaire. Pryor can blow me. Carlin can eat me out. I'm number one. Then Tuesday comes around. I got a spot at the Fat Black. I go, time to start working it out, getting back into fighting shape.

Bring my niece. And it's one of these ones you're chatting. I'm hanging out, talking shit with Jordan Fisher, Ian Lara. Love those guys. Good eggs, non-threatening blacks. John Fish is emceeing legend where I come from. One of the greats. I love the Fish smelling. Love the Max smelling. Love Fish.

I mean, Fish was the guy, bar none when I started. And he's a killer. One of the best comics. And we talked about it, the best host at the cellar. Easily. But you ever have this thing where he goes on and you're all chatting backstage and you go, ah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And after a while you're like this. Why don't I hear laughs? Yes, yes. What's going on here? That's my act. And so you start, you go, hold on a second, then you kind of... Smelling. And you go, there's just nothing happening.

Yeah. And you pull back the curtain and it's fish and he's working it, but they're all like this. Oh. You pull back the curtain and it's fish and he's working it but they're all like this. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh you got the crouts and the foreigners in there just tough sledding you. It smelled like Mabel. But so I go, all right, well he's doing okay. And then his last couple minutes he kind of got him. Okay. So I thought, and you have this thing, you have this hubris, you go, I'll get him. You know what I mean? Fish went up cold, that's cold fish. Yeah. And you know, he started to get him a little bit. I'm going up third. Sure. This'll be a cakewalk. Cakewalk? You're a hot off town hall. You got seven specials in the can. Yeah, you're golden.

I should put this set on the Patreon. I mean. Wow. Flop sweat. No laughs. Not a T.H. Not a ha? No one said ha. I'll tell you what someone said. Next guy. Shut up. Swear to God. Whoa. Christ on Christmas. My balls on the Bible. A woman over here, stage left. Next guy.

Wow. She should be tased for that. That's evil. I mean, I was blown, Jerry. And Louis CK is there. My niece is there. Fish is there. All these people, these idols of mine.

Yeah. And I go, that's, that's, that was, that was rude. Rude, hurtful, and cunty. And she goes, sorry. And I go. Sorry, what is she, a Canuck? I go, you know, you're from Canada? And she goes, how'd you know?

And I go, because your stupid fucking accent or whatever. And I go, where are you from? And she goes, guess. And I go, no, shut up, you idiot. Where are you from? idiot where you from and then she goes Vancouver and I was like Vancouver sucks Hastings Street I love Vancouver yeah it's really great but I'm like Hastings Street you homeless bitch and then I go yeah the fucking Bruins beat the Canucks in the Stanley Cup you're all riding she goes what year was that and I go 2011 and she goes uh, that's uh, it's ten years ago You know and I go actually 13 you dumb cunt and yeah

VanCouzor yeah, fuck you and then now I'm just like but she's one. I mean she yelled out next guy I can't come back from that. That's pretty good. Well. I did this I went to I've seen the lineup It's not getting better sister. Oh now you're trashing the other guy I know it's not gonna come off and Ricky Valdelez is going up and I'm like, I didn't mean it, I think you're great. But yeah, it was rough and I came off and everyone's just like, it's that thing where nobody wants to talk to you. Yeah.

Everyone's like this, pretending to look at their notes. Yeah, I know that feeling. That bar is a seventh circle of hell, it's a vacuum of comedy in there, it stinks. It was rough. And I've done that thing where you pretend you didn't hear. You're like, how was it? I wasn't listening from right here. Yes, yes.

And then the lady tried to grab my arm. She goes, hey, I'm sorry. Grab my arm. I go, don't fucking touch me. Good for you. And it was fun. And Louie was like, that was awesome. Whoa.

And then I go downstairs to the VU, blow the roof off the tits. And my father was gay. And I'm like thank God because all the same jokes by the way. Isn't that kooky? That stand up in a nutshell it's so fucking frustrating and I always say the basketball goes in the hoop it's two points the same jokes different score every game. Next guy. Next guy. Next guy. And she didn't want a woman that's for sure. She wasn't like next girl or guy.

Yeah, all right, well she's got that one right. Nobody wants to see a woman. Wow, man these ladies are so mean in the crowd. And you know what I hate is when you go, hey you fat coos, blow me. And they go, jeez. Right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't zing you.

You started it, you fat whore. I know, when she tried to grab my arm and apologize, I wonder if I could have fucked her, you know? Probably. I wasn't married, you know, she's just she feels bad Yeah, you get laid for me is if someone feels really sad and bad for you. Yeah, that works, you know What if you fuck her and you go next gal? How about that I like that I'm gonna ask Sarah if I can make love to this lady just to hit her with the next Gal next gal boy. That is mean you're living your dream. You're up at the cellar you're doing your thing you wrote the jokes you're expressing

yourself next guy that's cruel well I think what happened was I had a bad riff up top and so I think they go this guy sucks yeah because he brought me up as doing town hall and I came up and I said by the way town hall big big venue you know it's sounds like I just did a PTA meeting all right, and then I didn't go loud I went PTA Paul Thomas Anderson hey Everybody's going this And I go pop up on the San Jose's a filmmaker and the PT is what's that called PT board? The person was like Pete. What is that called the parent teacher?

The person was like, what is that called? The parent teacher? PTA. PTA, yeah, so I went PTA, is that what it's called? PTA meeting. Yeah, I said something else. I said PBA, Public Bowling Association. Right, right. Well, whatever, it was, I started off bad and I ended bad.

It was just, woo, it was a real pile of trash. You know what it was? You didn't catch. Sometimes a comic doesn't catch, it's like a's like a screwdriver you know sometimes you're digging around yeah but then when a Phillips head catches and it's really turning that screw you didn't catch I love screwing into wood it's a good feeling a little shavings come out the Amish they live for that love a shaving big fan of shaving cream but I've been there I did the bar I mean I did the lounge

as caddy corner yes caddy wampus that's a fun word so I did the bar or the lounge and this guy was on stage he was a bigger comic a large fat man so and he goes you know we need a dating app for fat people that was his whole bit and he's a funny guy and I thought oh I got the dating app for fat people, da da da, that was his whole bit. And he's a funny guy, and I thought, oh, I got the dating app name. Because you watch the other show, and you go, I can think of something. So I go, I got something.

So I go up, and I'm a rail, Jerry. I'm thin. Which is not good when you make a fat joke. Right, it's unfair. Yeah, it's like being white and making a black joke. We're better, they're worse, so people don't like that. So I go up and I go, I got the app, folks.

Ways a lot. Hey! It died like Betty White on a cold silver table. Well, it's not great. All right. I thought I had something and I thought it was right in the moment. They were gonna go, this guy's so clever, but they just took it as a zing and an insult against fat people.

And I was in the hole and I couldn't get out. I don't like that we can't make fun of fat people. You're disgusting, you're gross, your life's gonna end soon. Let us make fun. Yeah, Come on. I had a bit. I thought was great Maybe you remember it was from 38 years ago where I had a backpack on in the subway. They got a no backpack Oh, but I'm like, but you're fat. I love this bit. You're fat I can't just tell you to take your fat stomach off. It's too mean and it's mean but I'm like if I put a Sweatshirt over my backpack and wore it backwards if I wore like, if I put a sweatshirt over my backpack and wore it

backwards, if I wore it facing out, put a sweatshirt over it, you'd just be like, oh, heads up, fat guy. Exactly. And I'm carrying books. Yes. You're carrying fat. Ugh. How about this? I just thought of this. We're thin in America. We're the minority. So shouldn't you cater to my fat? Well don't cater, too much catering for you. But you should cater to me because I'm the minority, I'm the lesser. That's big.

I got something. That is big, but. I think it's 70% is overweight in America. But the problem you're gonna run into now there's Zoloft or whatever it's called. Ozempic. Ozempic, that's Zoloft or whatever it's called. Ozempic. Ozempic, that's gonna do away with the fat sows.

Which doesn't that bother you? We've tried hard to be fit, now these fucking people are gonna stab themselves in the tits with a gun. Well, I got a theory on this and it's not gonna go over. We're losing everybody because most of our fans are probably fat sows. Huge, yeah, big incels. So the Ozempic is a quick fix, it's a miracle drug, it stops you from drinking, eating, drugs, it really helps with a lot of shit.

But you're fucking yourself in the long run because it's a quick fix, you got to learn the discipline, that's the key to life. You need a long fix. Yes, I know I'm an asshole and these people need help and they're overweight. But how come in the forties there was like seven fat people? Cause there was shame Jerry. You shame the guy. You go, Hey, you big tub of lard, get your act together. And then some guy would go, I want the cookie, but I'm getting ridiculed all day long at school. I'll put it down. I'll hit the gym. Back then though. I mean, we were in a cool Chuck. He's not

getting any thinner. Hey, you got a point there good point but back in the day fat people were the rich people because they have enough money to eat the thing they had the butter with the turkey and steaks like Taft and the other guy yeah and rich people now are real thin you know like look at a Charlize Theron she's's a zillionaire. She looks like a Holocaust survivor. Well, now they have the private cook and the chef. Back then, fat meant money. Yes. And skinny meant poor.

Now fit means money and fat means poor because all they eat is McDonald's. We flipped it, yeah. But by the way, McDonald's ain't cheap anymore. You go to McDonald's now, you're walking out of there dropping 30 plus. Believe me, believe me you. Yeah, I posted on Instagram at a $22 value meal. Oh! What's the point? I mean I used to go to diners all the time with Salacuse and you drop at $84 in there. I'm like we had two eggs and a biscuit.

Well you're telling me, fatso so I just moved to fucking Battery Park City Oh forget about I mean I go to a diner. I told you I went to diner with a friend that's a woman two days in a row and breakfast 70 bucks Thanks, it's it's a two miscarriages and a potato. Yes. What's the what's the deal? It's the deal Leo What is the deal? Oh come on? motherfucker she Fuck get that shit out of here motherfucker come on now

People don't like when we record back-to-back episodes, but I think this is the top We're talking fights. We're talking history. We got no stories forget stories sing it sister We got no stories forget stories sing it sister Okay, please do so make it like 20 minutes long I'm hitting the wall here I can do it My mom my mother yes Whose name don't tell me her name. It's not Nancy. It's not Cindy there's a Nancy grace no no no Mick Jagger whoopie Goldberg Bethany Helen Frankel I know it oh what the fuck is that Rick and Morty

Bethany Helen juicy Mirren juicy that's it juicy small Gillian don't tell me I'll keep thinking about your noodle so my mom likes to be involved she's the opposite of your parents she wants to get in there she wants to get her feet in the sand and crunch the toes uh-huh so she hits me up she goes hey there's a magazine in New Orleans it's a you's one of these bullshit magazines you see at a doctor's office that no one reads that's only in New Orleans. And she goes, they do all these celebrity profiles, why haven't they done you? And I go, don't worry about it, don't push it, let it go.

This magazine is silly, it's like a highlight. A kid draws on or you put it under a bird cage to get shit on. Just forget it. Let it go. Yes. And she goes, this is appalling. They got this guy. They got that guy. Why not you? And I go, I don't care about the magazine. You're not helping. You think you're helping. It's, this is a nuisance. She goes, no, I won't stand for it. I'm going to write him a letter. And she's got some Paul. She's something down there. She's got a museum, she's on the board. That's true.

You know, she collects houses or whatever. Yes, yes, houses. So I go, ah, do whatever the hell you want, leave me out of it. She goes, ah, don't worry, I'll take care of it. And I go, ah, whatever, leave me alone, don't talk to me again, not a fan. So then, two days go by, she goes, don't't worry. I emailed them and I'm like, okay cool You're a hero. You should be my agent. You know, I'm doing all that stuff and she's like Mark my words. They're gonna they're gonna hit me back and I go. Alright, whatever

Two weeks go by they email her and they go. Oh, we'd love to do a piece on the kid Matt. This is unbelievable Well, it's you know, it's a brochure. This is very sweet. This is a showing of pride here. It is, but I don't care. It's flattering, it's lovely, but I don't want to do it. Shelly, it's really going out of her way here. Yeah, the nice lady there, Ruth. So I go, all right, so now the lady, we email, we set up a time. She calls me, she says, hey, I'm here.

She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here.

She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. She says, hey, I'm here. Yeah, the nice lady there Ruth so I go alright so now the lady we email we set up a time She calls me she goes so where'd you grow up? What high school did you go to? Did you always know you were funny? And I go I still don't know I'm the brown bomber and she goes alright

I think we got it so then my mom texts me and goes Did she call you and I go go, yeah, she called. And she goes, I want to hear everything. So now I got to call my mom and do the whole review. Hey, we talked about this. We talked about that. She goes, she didn't ask about this. I'm going to email her. I go, ah!

Cheryl. Yeah, so that was it. So it hasn't come out yet. But I don't know. Where are you at on that? I mean, it's hard because I understand the frustration with your parents, but I mean, my mother, my mother, I put out a film with a standing ovation.

My mother's like, she watched it. She watches. She doesn't say, oh, my tits were shaking. I was crying. The movie she gave me a little more. Ironically, it's because it's Tom. Ah. But there's nothing.

My mother would never be like, I was thinking about you, so I wrote a magazine, because I want your name in there, and I'm going to make sure they portray you well. You should be, I mean, that's something. It is very nice. She's thinking about you. She's trying. It's nice.

I understand what you mean. It's more, but the questions and the asking and the trying to Further your career and help out that is that seems special. What's your name? Tell me your name Bethany close Beth I don't know that's even Valerie. There's a couple letters in there that are the same Why can't I think of it? You know a couple people with the name too? Karen no Karen. No, no. Karen. Sarah. No, no. Suzy. No, no. Sue. Rebecca. I just thought it was humorous. This is how, I hope my mom never sees this, but she shows

love by, she'll be like, hey, I got 78 magazines that have comedy in it. I have the magazines here. You got to take them to New York. And I'm like, so what do you mean? She be like, hey, I got 78 magazines that have comedy in it. I have the magazines here. You got to take them to New York. And I'm like, so what do you mean? She's like, oh, there's an article about Don Rickles in there on page 609. It's about this long. You got to fly that back home. This is so touching.

Don't you see? I know, but- She's reading things. She goes, I thought of you and I thought for this. I want you to have this. How about a conversation? How about going, you're very funny. How about a conversation? How about a hug? This is the weird vehicle of love showing. But there is a conversation because she asked all the questions

Yeah, I guess but that's a follow-up. I guess but she's asking you this and this and this. I don't know it sounds conversational Okay, I'm talking no questions Jerry none. That is Erie. Zero. I got a stuff saying Erie. That is a Lake Erie Yeah, you're on Ontario, Michigan Superior shot in the Erie What's the other one here? I think I did all of them. I said that one right? Oh, I didn't hear superior here on Ontario Michigan Erie superior. Yeah, that's it. Those are big lakes. Apparently there's a million lakes in that area. Is that crazy? A million lakes? I believe there's upward of a million. No. It was a thousand. Minneapolis is ten thousand lakes. That's it, ten thousand. That's still a lot of lakes.

Yeah, a million is quite a bit more than ten thousand. That's true. I can't compute math. True, I can't compute math. Choosers of Stories is also brought to you by Raycon, one of our longest running sponsors. We love Raycon. Raycon is a lover of ours. They just sent me their brand new, latest earbuds, and they rule. I am loving them.

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and I said, what's the bad code? She goes, 10,003. And I typed it in 48 times where I realized she meant 1,003. 1,003. Because I was like 10,000, and I'm like this one, zero zero zero three. I was like Yeah, like it's crazy. It's gonna be too many sandwiches You know it's the problem that's a lot of gum the problem is those pounds sometimes

It's number number number pound sometimes. It's no pound. Yes. I hate them pound me and sometimes. It's too many pounds I'll stop way too much wait a minute. I've got to come up with your mother's name. I know it. Rick and your brother's Eric. Yes. And your mother's name is Natalie Susan. You're Debra. Deb and Steve. And don't tell me your sister's name. that I don't know. Yeah, Linda. No, Sarah. No, Judy. No, Kelly Clarkson. No, starts with us. Duncan. Kathy. Kathy. Kathy. It's Kathy. Oh, it's an S. Wait, what the fuck is her name? Not Bethany. It's close to Bethany. I feel a lot of similar letters with Bethany. Bethann., Beth Ruth Bethannphetamine Fuck that's a funny name Bethannphetamine. That's good. That could be something. All right write it down. Oh

Yeah, you talk about the 1003 you ever go on YouTube put put this in your pipe and put it on your father's face these man on the street videos where they go up and they go, so how many states in the United States? And they go, geez, I don't know, 100? And you're like, wow, it's pretty jarring. I've watched a lot of them, yeah. I'm not the smartest tool in the microwave, but these people are fucking

retarded. They're like, what country is below the United States? We're like, Iran? No, no, connected. You know, it's a border town. They speak Spanish and they're like, what am I, a fucking cartographer? And you're like, no, you know what it is. People are fucking retarded. They never heard of Texas I guess but I guess so no I've seen that a lot and there's a large percentage of the country that believes there are 52 states because they think which you ask How many states then it's a trick question. They think there's 50 states plus Alaska and Hawaii Right, right. I think it's like 18 percent of people think there's 52 states. I think so. It's pretty wild

What are the two oceans on the side of the country? And they're like the Dead Sea and the Mississippi. Yeah, I mean it's wild. M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Yes. What the fuck is her name? It's so close. I'm trying to say it. I can see her. I picture her with the glasses. She looks like Mrs. Claus a little bit. Oh yeah, got the red hair. I mean the red glasses and the gray hair. Yeah, she's hip, she's cool, she's at the wedding. She wears Crocs. You looked at the podcast in the museum.

I remember something specific about her full name. Oh really? That's a little scary. Leery. Interesting. Well, we gotta move on, people are gonna be frustrated. Yeah, but she's move on. People are going to be frustrated. Yeah. I'll get it by the end. She's a sweet lady. I love her. I have great parents. You have bad parents. I'm very lucky. Margaret. Maggie.

Nope. But... Christina? Just funny, I thought. No. Applesauce? No, I wish. Ned? Ned Beatty? What else were we going to talk about? Chuck, throw it on the topic. Ned, that's it. You got it. Chuck, you probably want to hear something. What are you thinking about? What's something you always wanted to know about old Mark and Joe? Something you always thought, well, what's going on with this? What do they think about this?

What about the baby coming out? What do I do? I mean, this thing's going to come out of her vagina. It's going to be screaming. It's's gonna be pink and gooey and I'm gonna throw it right in the garbage yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be okay all right gonna be just fine they say it's one of these things you got to just do you got if you got to figure it out yourself there's no real rhyme or reason to it

you just got to get in there and get your hands dirty and touch its poo well it comes out you're there and then you touch it before that. Well, at the C-section anyways, I had that thing before she did, which is crazy. Whoa. Yeah, I got to introduce, and I sang happy birthday to him, which was sweet. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah, it was very nice. And those first few days, boy, it's tough because you're so fucking tired and rocked. And then you bring it home and you're like, there's just a baby in my house and they can die. Oh, easily. Like those first months or so, you gotta like, you can't have them on their stomach. You gotta have them on their back.

You gotta wake up. And then it's so insane, the feeling of just being at home. Right. You're trying to sleep. And there's a fucking three day old baby in your bedroom. And you're like, ah, it's terrifying. How did people do this in the woods in the, in the two thousands? I think they lost a lot of babies. I think they must have Wolf grabs it. An Eagle comes down and get the talons on there or, or just a roaming tribes. Like that'll be our kid now fuck off right

yeah it's it's it's crazy but you know uh you'll do it you hold it you touch it you let it know it's it's loved and you keep it safe you know and then you go out you make the money yeah all right did you did you guys see the lost children on Netflix it's a crazy doc I've heard about the bus when they put the bus under the ground. No bus no bus Something like that was another documentary about kids on a bus that speed With the girl from the bus No, it's about a guy a mom

She's gonna meet her see her husband who lives across Columbia and she takes a little single-engine Cessna, it crashes in the Amazon. The Amazon jungle! Vast, huge jungle. The mom dies. Four kids. The pilot dies, the mom dies. Four kids survive and it's wild.

One kid is 11, one kid's like six, three, and a 10 month old in the Amazon! This is a dock? This is real! Wow! So then, this is when it gets crazy, I don't want to give too much away, so the military is like, we gotta get these kids. They go right into the jungle, they start setting up tents, they're cutting shit down, they do a thing where they blast out the grandmother's voice from a helicopter going, uh, this is

Abuela, stay put kids, we're coming to find you just to get a little morale. Wow. Then the kids, they're nowhere to be found. So they're like, oh, maybe they got killed, maybe the wolf ate them or a tiger or a cougar or a black panther. Then the indigenous people get wind of it who live in the jungle. I'm talking loincloth spear blackface. They're out there. They get wind of this. They hate the military. So they

go, we're going to find these kids before the military. Wow. The military. It's kind of like native Americans. You know, they hate, they hate us. This is like, uh, Bin Laden wanted to help Kuwait instead of us. Yes. And then we said, Oh, we'll do it. And then he's like, I'll show you. So now the military is bouncing around the jungle and the guy goes, not only we got one eye on the kids and we got one eye on the indigenous cause they're going to stab us if they see us. So they're trying to find kids and not die. And the indigenous hate the military. Like we see them, we'll kill them immediately. So it was fascinating. I don't want to give anything away. I don't want to say what

happens but they're having so much of a hard time finding these kids. The indigenous go let's all take ayahuasca and then we'll have a premonition and we'll find the kids visually in a dream. And that's all I'll say. But you got to watch it. No kidding. All right. I mean I don't get to watch anything anymore but it's fucking and it's all real. No kidding. Well I got to get on the bike. I got too many things back. This is the problem with the kid is that you're all backed up. I haven't watched a sporting event or a film or a TV show since 1985. Well you saw the Tyson. I saw the Tyson stayed up late. I mean I was all whacked out the next day but yeah it's it's that's what's tough but you go on the

road then you can watch a movie whatever which is nice. That's true that is nice. Well if you're if you're up for a wacky roller coaster of emotions put this on and the Tom Dustin doc. I was watching the Carvel doc New Orleans guy. The raging Cajun? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that was a thing. That's on HBO. It's fun. I watched the Richard Christopher Reeves. Big mistake.

Yeah, no good. Well, the whole thing's about the accident. Well, he hurt his neck. Chris, Superman can't walk. What kind of fucked up shit? What's next? Aquaman gonna drown in the tub? It's a great bit.

I was watching the early Seinfelds the other day and I loved the way he goes, it's like he's rubber man. She goes, there's no rubber man. He goes, why do you think there's a rubber man? That was season two. Wow. That show is just, have we talked about Seinfeld on here?

I don't believe we have. That's a hell of a program. Fantastic television show. How fucking funny is that to have on a sitcom, season two, episode six yeah jerry goes it's like he's rubber man and the lane goes there's no rubber man he goes why did i think there was a rubber man why did i think there's a rubber man that's how people talk can you imagine pitching that to a network forget about how did they do it network stinks who are these people sven golly

jolly he's got a cheerful hold over you. Right, right. That's a hold. All right, hit me with it. Sue, Betty, Elizabeth. What's the level? Wait. Elizabeth. You got it. Liz. Liz Norman. Rick and Liz. That's what it was. Yes. Yes. There it is. Rick and Liz. I knew it. There you go. She's a big feminist. Rick, Liz, and Eric and Mark. You got it. Bert and Er it. That's a good family now. We gotta get your sister's big ass Yeah That's Kathy Yeah, Rachel. Huh? Debbie to then little eating the deal new

You said Rachel so I did the music oh, I thought you were giving me a hint Jennifer Monica smelly cat Smelly cat smelly cats no no I know a woman named Ross no way Yeah, Patrick Hover's wife Betty Betsy Betsy sorry damn it Betty Crocker Betsy Ross Betty She just never like what the fuck is that yeah, and I'm actually she's a hero. She's a knitter She's a she's not the flag get out of please did she do anything else. I think she blew him is that it She doesn't well. He got head somewhere else to did the flag yeah Lincoln

No, that's not Lincoln. Oh, Mary Todd Mary Todd is Lincoln's wife. That's your eyes. Just sewed up a flag Big whoop I want to see what Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's wife. Betsy Ross was just sewing up a flag. Big whoop. I wanna see what Mary Todd wore to Lincoln's funeral. What are you looking up over there? Oh, but what did Betsy Ross do? She made the flag. She made the flag. Did she do anything else?

Did she fight? No. Not a thing. She was a knitter. Right? Knit-a. No historical evidence to support that she sued the first American wife. she was a knitter right nita oh we should sue her no kidding Sue Ellen Mischke all right well that's something she probably just hired some lady to do it yeah she got a Chinese person she outsourced it well this is

the thing women are so worthless they have to make up, you know, they, oh, well, we had Betsy, she's a hero, she needed something, get out of here. Yeah, well, with this documentary, all these men were volunteering to save these kids, and I go, where are the women? I was sitting with my wife, where are the women? The Bush women? And she was like, ah, get your head up, I'm like, I thought we were all equal, why aren't the women helping?

The 11-year- year old girl she kept the kids going well girls are they're good with that stuff you know nurture they nurture yes mother hen but I'm very nurturing we have my sir and I have opposite roles I'm like the the rocky nurture guy she's the last she gets all the laughs yeah boy she had a clip today that was a I gave that a big fat like what about she edits all our videos so she's leaving mean comments on her own that's funny that is gold she's good

she's good give the special applause whole money check it out YouTube executive produced by me I did some great work on that thing whoo-hoo-hoo oh we gotta wrap this fucking thing up well let's get some plugs in here cuz I got some big big things coming up I think tomorrow or whatever day Wednesday tomorrow if you're listening on Tuesday yeah I can't find anything oh the Christ with it I can't find it. Bob Yorker, funny guy. Oh yeah. When's this come out, the 10th?

Whatever, the 10th, the 9th, regs, Wednesday, still tickets available I'm sure at Gramercy Theater. Next Wednesday, Soul Joles baby, and if you're in New York City, come to Sesh. I'm starting the show there, me, Mark, Karen, a couple other people. And January, Kansas City, January 9th, the Tom Dustin movie playing in Somerville, of course April 19th, the Wilbur Theater,

Sunnyvale, California, Houston, Texas, Montreal on February 7th, Nashville March 7th and 8th, Tempe March 13th through the 15th, Acme Minneapolis April 10th through the 12th, Patreon's never been hotter, I'll tell you that right now. Oh yeah, I'm all over the road. Austin, I'm sorry, Dallas, Houston, Phoenix, Nashville at the Ryman. Got all kinds of fun dates popping up. I think I'll be doing something in Mass for the Christmas time. We always set up a secret show. Oh nice. Yeah and yeah markandomancomedy.com and I got a bunch of specials on my YouTube as well. Dan St. Germain just put one out. Chris Allen, Doug Key, Carmen Lynch, Andrew

Youngblood to name a few. So yeah check all that out, queef it up. Get on the Patreon, it's poppin'. A lot of live stuff, a lot of behind-the-scenes queefs, a lot of anal. What do you got there? P you check those have a mic, but look at this Chuck text fat dating app plenty of dish. Hey, I gave it a ha ha very good almost as good as ways a lot But I like it now. I like your dish as much better Should write for you. I miss this. Yeah, that's a good idea. Absolutely All right, so we got fun bearable. that's a good idea. Absolutely.

Alright, so we got Fun Bearable, it's a big pod with Ray Harrington and Jeff Rohr, and it's a hell of a time. Tell him Steve, Mike. Yeah, it's on YouTube and all the podcasts, apps out there. We've both been on it. Oh yeah, a long time ago. We've had some hot guests, Doug Key, the other guy. I would never do it again.

Crispin Glover was on recently. Whoa! Danny Glover. Alright, well there you go folks, check it out, Unbearable. Fun Bearable. Thank you, Fun Bearable, it's on YouTube and podcast. So yeah, well thanks a lot folks, get some bodega cat, we'll see you all in hell and praise Allah.

Woo! is, Allah.