Tuesdays with Stories! - #584 Cyber Cuck

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

We're hitting the Road, jack! Mark and Joe are heading to the Comedy Dojo in NJ with Chuck and Brendan Sagalow in tow! We're talking bad sex, we're talking crying in front of other people, and we're talking crowd work. It's Tuesdays!!!  Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for a $1 per month trial of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com  - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

This holiday season, surprise everyone on your list with the best gifts. Tickets to see their favorite artists live. Choose from thousands of concerts and comedy shows, including Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Matt Matthews, Metallica, Thomas Rhett, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Sarah Silverman, and so many more. Share a memory together, or give a gift they'll never forget. Find the most exciting gift for every fan at LiveNation.com slash gifts. That's LiveNation.com slash gifts. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. No, what's that? Everybody what I want to say Hey! We're here! I can't get it up, the bots! What's shaking folks? Tues Gay! Are we rolling there? Choo choo? We're rolling, we're rolling in all cylinders. I lost my phone already. We're on Liberty Street and Greenwich Avenue. Very far from my house. Jesus Christ, you gotta got to talk to me. Well, I gave a fake street here.

Oh, great. Yeah, we're way far away from where I live. We're in Morris Plains, New Jersey. Absolutely. That's where we're on our way to, MPNJ. Don't say Morris Town. That's like you say the N-word. They get all hot and bothered.

They don't get bothered if you say the N-word. That's true. It's not my experience. Bad example. They love it. That's kind of annoying to have two towns that sound exactly the same right by each other. That's like Stanford and Stanford.

Mmm, Connecticut. Yeah. Yeah, I don't go there anymore. Is there a Stanford, Connecticut? Yeah, there's a Stanford and a Stanford. Is that right? Stanford's the city that works. I'm just making it up. All right. Stanford's a school.

Aha. Calo Alto. Yeah, and California. Maybe I was just making it up. Yeah, no, you're retarded, but we're here. We got a guest. You're one of the very rare guests that we have on the show, almost never.

Yeah, last time I did this was the Brooklyn Skankfest. Wow. It was the live show. Well, welcome to Convenians in cars farting. Fuck's up. I just farted. You did Skankfest Brooklyn. Oh, that was like our worst episode of all time.

Wasn't it? I thought I did pretty well. Oh. Down in the basement? In Vegas? Yeah, no, no, in the basement of the Brooklyn building that they were doing Skankfest in. It was you, me, Soder, and you guys was you, me, Soder, and you guys.

It was me, Soder, and you guys. That's on the Patreon. I don't remember it either. That was the year Louis showed up. It was only in Brooklyn once. Wait, if Soder was on, did anyone else talk? I was screaming. I mean, I'm glad you guys don't remember it

because it's the biggest moment of my life. That's all I think about. I don't remember that at all. Was it moment of my life. That's all I think about. Damn, I don't remember that at all. Was it a bomb? Did you bomb? Did we bomb? I'm always bombing. Was it live? Yeah, there was a huge audience. What?

There was a big audience. I'm trying to picture. It was in the room where... Call in. ...where Lewis sucked Bobby's fake dick. Same room. Well, that doesn't narrow it down. Oh, God. I don't remember. Same room. Well that doesn't narrow it down.

Oh god, I don't remember. Same place. My memory, what are your memories of that? No, I remember downstairs, there was the little comedy club that went all night. Yes. Oh, and I met Isabel Hagen there, and you were like, oh, she's funny.

Because we were tagging it, and she was bringing me up. And you said, have you ever seen her? She's funny. Yeah. And so I watched, and I thought she was funny. And now we're very close friends, and you're a big part of that. That's one of my memories of that and then Louie showing up this camera Just changed should I just aim this at me? I just turn to me

We'd like to have two cameras on me at all times. I'm sort of the star But Chuck Have you guys ever mooned anybody in a car I'm like, what could a butt chuck butt? Have you guys ever mooned anybody in a car? Whoa, legs! Steps, my god. Wow, holy shit. Turn that camera.

These legs are seven feet long and thinner than my dick on a Wednesday. He must work out. Oh my god. I'm getting into legs, dude. As I get older, I'm like, legs are starting to get me. You're just now getting into legs? Yeah.

I did it with a girl with one. Oh yeah, she reached out to me. No way, Peg! Yes! Peg, she's coming to the show this weekend. Shut the fuck up. Whoa, yes. And Oh, yeah, she reached out to me. No way. Yes, Peg She's coming to the show this weekend. Whoa. Yeah, she said she always had a thing for me Wow Yeah, maybe say Joe in bed. Whoa Wait, that doesn't make sense

Yeah, good point. No, she reached out and she said hey, you know, we met at the wedding and Thanks for always having my back or supporting me, because every time we bring her up, I'm like, she was the best girl, May stinks, she rules. Pick back Peg. Now I'm just trying to think back to everything I said about her. Yeah, she listens. Oh, Peg, I love you.

Hey, Peggy. It's not good, but. I got a baby on the way, I think it's yours. I'm in like Jerry Flynn, but yeah, she sent a nice message. It touched my heart, I got some dopamine inside of it, because it's nice to know people hear me loving them up. Hey, if two... This might be a really stupid question. I'm sure it is.

If two people who only have one leg, like, say Peg and some other guy, got together and they got pregnant, would the baby come out and have one leg? No, that's the beauty of biology. It replenishes. Two retards can make a normal. Yeah, Jack's making a real face up here. Jack just called you a retard with his face.

And then two normals can make a midget. So it's all pipes down there. Oh, yeah, and two black people can make a white kid. Joe Jackson and Michelle Jackson. Is it Michelle? I made it up. It sounds like something. Yeah, Michelle Jackson. Is it Michelle? Nah, I made it up. It sounds like something. Yeah, Michelle Obama.

She's hot. I don't care what anybody says. Michelle Obama, no, she's got legs. And a dick. For days. All right. Do you remember the rumor that Fergie had a penis? Do you remember that?

Who's Fergie? Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. That's weird, because that's what I call my dick. Fergie. Fergie, isn't that where BLM started? Fergie, Illinois? Or Missouri? I had a dick.

Was it Missouri or Illinois? What was that first one? Hands up, don't shoot. I think that was Ferguson. Ferguson. But I'm saying Illinois or Missouri? Missouri. It was Missouri, yeah.

I went there, and people thought it was weird. When I went to do the St. Louis Funny Bound, I was like, can you take me down there? Oh, jeez. And people were like, why do you want to go? That's so funny. But I'm like, well, it was like a big news story for like two weeks. Yeah, it's like seeing the JFKX.

Exactly. Marilyn Monroe. JFK's X. She's hot. So what happened? Fergie's dick didn't ever come out? No, no, but it was just a big rumor that she was like a hermaphrodite. Which that word is never used ever.

No. Like lately. Jamie Lee Curtis was big on that too. Remember that? No. What? Oh, that people thought she was a hermaphrodite. Oh yeah.

Which made that scene in True Lies even more uncomfortable. God, I could not stop jerking off to that fucking film. Is that the scene where she's dancing? Yes. Come closer to the bed. Everybody thinks she's so hot in that scene where she's dancing with, oh no I'm thinking Saturday Night Fever with John Travolta. Yeah she's not in that film. No, wrong movie. What movie am I thinking of where it's John Travolta and they're dancing?

Perfect. It's called Perfect where they're like exercise queefs and she's always in that little onesie number. What a pull. I've never even heard of that movie. Oh, dude. It's so hot. I'll send you a link. Please do, immediately. See, I don't think she's hot at all.

I don't like the face, but the body is like unreal. Great face, great body. The daughter of Tony Curtis. That's right. And Janet Lee. Oh, that's right. I don't like short hair. Yeah, well. Oh, that's right. I don't like short hair. Yeah, well, I love short hair.

I like a fucking I like anything different, new shaved head, Mohawk, penis, fucking Afro, big cock. Yeah. Just give me something I can. Fuck, I hear you. I hear you. You know what I mean? Like my wife, hot lover, my god, great. But man, if she had a mustache and pigtails and a tube top, I would just never stop coming to my father.

She'd be Greek. But yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. You want that variety and then you start looking at Uggos and you go, hey, she's ugly. That'd be interesting. I was just thinking about Chuck. Wow. Just kidding, buddy. Are you on camera? We'd have to pay him about Chuck. Wow. Just kidding, buddy.

Are you on camera? We'd have to pay him for that. All right, good, because that way they can see. He's not cheap. Yeah, exactly. Wait, you're on camera? We're going to get no views. Is Brendan on camera?

Oh, yeah, you're checking out everyone's on camera. Every once in a while, I'll fix the camera. Nice. You got a wide lens for that overcoat you got there, puppy. Yeah, this is really, this is too much. I should have taken this off before I sat down. Well, Chuck's got the heat blasting also. The heat is cooking.

No, I like it. I like it. Now you don't have to turn the heat down. I rode my bike here. That is a mistake. Tell me about it. It is brisk. Oh, it's nippy. These kids are going to die out here. I used to ride the Rebels all the time.

Like I probably spent the amount of money it would take to just buy a scooter on the Rebels. And it was freezing. A couple people died on there, so they had to nix it. Tell people what the Rebel is, because I don't even know when I live here. It's like a rent-a-moped. So it's like, you know, that's exactly what it is.

It's like you rent a moped. I forgot that Chuck's the worst driver. Red lock. You're actually supposed to be going that way. You're facing the wrong direction. Wow. Chuck, I gotta take a photo of this and then you can plug it in. We're literally facing the wrong direction. This is wild.

This guy, Ralph Barbosa in front of us is... This is fucking crazy. He did not want to help you at all. I'm sending this now. He did not want to help you at all. Here's the photo. Somehow you're blocking four lanes. I repeat, they had to go. Oh my to help you at all. All right, here's the photo. Somehow you're blocking four lanes. The guy's guiding me, beep, they have to go!

Oh my God, what a pussy. This is bad. All right, I'm texting the phone. I want you to put it in right here. Even the Asian guy's upset at you. Yeah. Oil! This photo, this photo that we're showing right now

is taken out the front windshield of our car. Look at this! Literally, that's out the front windshield. That looks like the 911 place. I mean, that is crazy. Jesus Christ. Pipe fittings. Isn't that just a dick joke? Oh, of course. Pipe fitting, MD, the grabler.

That's hilarious. The grabler pipe fitting. Oh yeah. And man you. You got man. Oh yeah. Also, isn't it weird that gay, like a gay old time was completely normal?

Like when did that shift to homo? I think probably, I mean the Flintstones was the 60s and it was gay old time. And that's a cartoon. Right. Probably in the, boy I don't know, 80s? It had to be such a quick change. Oh okay.

Also the name Dick kind of went, that was like a quick change. Oh, okay. Also, the name Dick kind of went, that was like a normal name. Dick, absolutely. Dick Nixon. Dick Schofield, Tricky Dick. We had a president of the United States whose nickname was Tricky Dick. That's right.

I mean, that's hilarious. It's funny that we have names that because they sound similar to other names, you just call them other names. Rich kind of sounds like Dick, so we call him Dick. Yeah, it's very strange. Like James and Jimmy. Yeah, but those don't even sound similar. I never even get it.

James is Jim, Richard is Dick, and then Richard could also be Rick. And then Teddy got from Theodore. That's a leap. Yeah, that's crazy. Good point. And another president. Now how about these names that are bilingual?

It's this Terry. Good point. And another president. And how about these names that are bilingual? It's this Terry. Oh, yeah. Alex. Alex. Ashley could be a guy. Oh, yeah. And Sandy. And you got some Joes.

Joanne, Joanna. Oh, Joe, yeah. Oh, yes, Sandy is both. Yeah, yeah. Is there ever a hot Joe woman? Sandy Queen. Yes. I had a girl in my high school named Joe

and she was hot. Who was hot, in the smoke show? If the name, if a girl is hot with a boy's name, somehow they're even hotter. Yeah. Absolutely, or in a guy's body also. Ooh, now we're talking. Abs, pecs, dick.

I fucked a girl named Joey famously after doing karaoke. Oh, that's right. She said, okay, what you say, I'm coming home with you. And I said, That's such a hot line. It is. I said, saddle up and ride, fanso. I'm coming home with you. And I said, that's such a hotline. It is. I said, saddle up and ride, fatso.

A little aggressive. It is. What do you see? That guy was turning right in our lane. How was he pulling a Chuck? Chuckaroo, Chucka Stew. Anyways, Tuesdays, let me tell you guys about that. Let me throw this out there and tell me what you guys think.

Cause I want to keep this close to a regular pod or else they'll all email us and tell us they're going to shit on our tits. But please chime in, Brendan, because I want to hear your opinion. OK, hit me. OK, so we're doing a gig. Me, listen to this lineup.

Me, Sarah Talamash, Dan Soder, Louis C. Keg. Hack City. I heard he bombed a dojo. That's your lineup for the night. Womp womp. That's your lineup for the night. Womp Womp. That's your lineup for the night. We're doing Lily Pad Jazz Club in Cambridge. That's hot. An old jazz club, which you got to do if you ever work in new and in the area, you're visiting the old wifey poo wifey Jew, although she lives far away, I guess from there. But if you're ever in Cambridge, go

support the Lily Pad Jazz Club. This place rules. It's run by this guy named Jesse, who's an old musician and just a great artist. Long beard down past his dick. I don't know how long his dick is, but it's a long beard. Yeah. So we're doing the show. We show up. I get there first. It's right next to the Ding Ho, the legendary Boston Ding Ho. Did you have any preclusions about doing the studio? Because that's been very nice to you over the years. Well, the studio, this was Louis' gig, his choice. And the studio, I'd like to go visit. Sarah just did it Saturday.

But we wanted to do our own pop-uppy show. And Louis was more inclined to do something different, new and yeah. He's got some beef with the old studio. I see, I see. Not beef, not beef. I shouldn't have said beef. He's got, yeah, exactly.

He's got some, whatever. Wanted to try something different so we booked the Lilly Pad. We show up and it's a cool ass room, but there's no green room. There's no stage, there's no green room. It's just a space. It's like a 70 seat and like they usually have jazz

and experimental musicians. And there's- Like what? What's experimental? Sexually? I think like- Like a Thurman? Like a Scoot-a-dip-a-wail-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-bong-dip-a-oo. Bum-bum-bum. Oh, gotcha, gotcha.

Like an African tribe family reunion. Just kind of, boop-dum-dum-boop. Bum-bum-boop. Right. You know? Oh, wow. Just some wacky stuff. Got it.

And jazz. Okay. Jazz and jizz. So we show up and I'm like, I guess we'll hang outside. It's 20 degrees Or there's a basement, but it's filled with old bicycles and dog shit. And it's like just it's spooky It looks like mr. Marbles. Oh So we're like, I don't know what we're gonna do. It's gonna be weird and I'm like, well, I'll just hide in the back

I guess and then Louie's like well, I want to watch the show and hear the show. So I jokingly said hey What if we all just sat on stage behind each other? And you know, Louis goes, he like, I like that. Like an old folk festival. Very experimental. I actually hate that, I'd say. Well, this is what I said. So Sarah is like, what's that?

And I'm like, dude, you can't do that. Like Sarah's gonna fucking kill somebody. She doesn't wanna do, she's nervous enough. She doesn't wanna fucking stand on stage with you and vice versa. And also I'm like, the crowd, I said, Louis, you're a celebrity. Like the crowd is here to see you.

They're excited. They can't believe they're seeing this guy in such a small space. If I'm on stage and Louis is behind me, they're gonna be staring at him from time to time. Sure, I would. Laughing at what he laughs at. Exactly.

Now can you look at your phone? Because that's a long, he's going to do an hour, right? Exactly. And the whole show is like an hour and a half. So I'm like, I kind of want to pace around and look at dick pics and. Yeah, this is kind of like a hard exercise. Like you're in timeout. Exactly.

That's how it felt. And so I said, you know, Sarah's like trembling. She's like, I don't like this idea. And Soda's like, what are you crazy? So then Louis comes up with the idea. This was his solution. I think this is him right here, by the way. This is his solution.

He goes, well, how about this? When we open the curtain, I'll just be standing here. And then I'll host the show. Like, like, like, like Dangerfield. Yes, exactly. Like Canada. And then there's a little side spot. There's a curtain.

I'm like, we could kind of hide behind the curtain to still be on stage, but you can't see. OK. So I'm like, well, that at least gets the there's Louie, oh my god, out of the way. Mm-hmm. Yeah, one of his specials. Good point.

So we go, all right, well, that's some kind of solution. Sarah still hates it. We're not in love with the idea, but at least there's that. So that's how we do it. We set up chairs to the side of the stage. It's time for the show. Me and this guy, Jesse, open the curtain. I was like one of those union guys that gets to open the curtain. Yeah, that was fun. And we pulled the thing open. Louis standing there. And then it didn't get quite the pop I thought. I thought they were gonna go crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's Cambridge, so people were doing the legit Whoa. this thing. It's very artsy fartsy. And Louis goes, hey, it's me, I'm gonna host the show. And then he brings up Sarah and then he just sits down. So me, Soder and Louis are sitting literally on the stage with Sarah while she performs right here. Yikes, yikes.

And vice versa, and by the way, I gotta give a shout out, Dan Soder fucking blew the room off the place, stole the show. Dude, his hour is so tight right now. Really? And he just put one out. It's so good. Yeah, it was crazy.

I mean, you're opening for him some gigs, right? Yeah, it's awesome. His crowds are great. Yeah. And I've been like seeing this hour come together, which is really cool too. I've seen the grandma stuff. The grandma crowds are great. Yeah. And I've been like seeing this hour come together, which is really cool, too. I've seen the grandma stuff. The grandma stuff is great. Yeah. He remember what else? Yeah, I don't want to give it away. He

had some amazing stuff. I mean, just fucking killing. I had to follow the whole time. You're like, Oh, God. Yeah. And then you have to start looking at your notes because you're like, I got to start like trying to do voices What's up you guys Well, also I'm trying to do a whole new hour myself I just shot an hour and you have this thing when you're like, alright I'm gonna start my new hour And then you think like I'm gonna go up and do none of the stuff from the hour cuz I got to get new and then

You're like, I don't have the material. Like eight minutes in you're like, that's actually all I have. Eight minutes is pretty damn good actually. Yeah, I feel okay about it. But anyways, soda fucking destroyed and then I got to go up and then you're like, all right, well they're hot now. You do a couple of riffs, they don't hit and you have that like sweat and then you're like,

I can't bomb with Louis Soder and my wife just watching me. Right. You good. But couldn't you like turn to them and my wife just watching me. Right. You good. Well, couldn't you turn to them and be like, it's not going great. Wouldn't it be a little bit, you could get laughs out of them sitting right behind you? A little bit.

But you don't want to be too cheery, and no one's really doing that. So you've got to kind of bring the heat. And it ended up going great. And then Louis goes on. And then now, like you said, it's a challenge because it's like 45 minutes and I've done like 12 shows with him now and I don't know about you guys I just can't watch this is why I'm

self-conscious about doing the same material over again because I don't when I watch a bit that I've already seen I'm like here we go this right and of course so I don't mind that I that's how I feel about crowd work when I watch someone do like I could be really into someone's bit, even if I've heard it before, like what did they change, da da da da. But if someone's like, and what do you do? And then we're all just staring at someone not talking.

I fucking hate it. We're just staring at someone listening. Right. Yeah, but between us, I had a friend coming to town and he couldn't get in the cellar. And I was like, go to the stand, that should be a decent lineup. And he texted me, he was like go to the stand that should be a decent lineup, and he text me was like that was

horrific He's like every single comic did crowd work one guy did material his material sucked I got picked on my friend got picked on it was a waste of time I would never recommend anybody go to a comedy show he wanted to see one that isn't the seller Well, this is the problem with the crowd work thing because we already had a ton of comics who didn't have material and didn't want to write material to put in the work.

And then the crowd work thing became big. So all of those comics now have an excuse and them and more have an excuse to not do material. Yes. Like everyone that's been failing to write material for the last 20 years is like perfect. Well you said something that I think someone said to you where it was like people who are impressed with crowd work because someone's being funny on the spot. It's like yeah well that's what's the first

thing of a comedian when you know you want to be a comedian it's because you're funny on the spot. That was DePaulo yeah. Yeah. DePaulo's like oh you're funny off the cuff. Right. We all are. Right. That's why we became comedians. Now write a fucking joke. Exactly. The joke writing is way more impressive because the crowd work is such a low bar because there's so much tension.

So you go, what do you do? I'm a proctologist. What'd you pull that out of your ass? Right. Whoa! Who the fuck is this guy? Holy shit. I mean, that's good, though. Oh, come on. That got me. If I was in the crowd and you said that,

I would have laughed. But usually they go, what do you do? Oh, I'm a proctologist. That got me. If I was in the crowd and you said that, I would have laughed. But usually they go, what do you do? Oh, I'm a proctologist. I don't know what that is. And then Matt gets a big laugh. And then he says, every comic did like the you guys suck. You're not worth my time. What am I doing here?

And you're like, what the fuck is that? Like you got to do a show. You're an entertainer. So that whole thing's out the window too. Must have been a small crowd night, I bet. Cause that's another thing, like a lot of people were like, well, it's a small crowd, I'll just not do anything. Right.

But isn't that more fun, the small crowds, when you're like trying out new ideas and stuff? Absolutely. Sure, if the crowds are doing it. I'm pandering to the car. Well, I went to the comedy store years ago, to the OR, this is like a long, long time ago. And I watched like the late night for a little bit

and four comics in a row sat on the stool with their feet on the monitor like this, like this shit, and just did like Q and A. Oh, you're on an all black show, huh? Uh, no, it was all white guys. I can't stand when someone sits on the stool. It was just so crazy to watch, like, even if you always sit like that, wouldn't you see the last guy sitting exactly like that?

And you're like, nah, shit, I can't sit like that. Well, that's the other thing my friend said. He said, no one watches anybody. So they all go up and do crowd work and they're doing the same fucking questions and asking the same people. And you're like, what am I doing here? What is this?

Right, and imagine hearing some bullshit nothing question like how long have you guys been together for 80 times in a row? Oh God. You just go six years, they've been together six years. Right. Yuck. So yeah, we're in a bad way

because before if you did a bunch of crowd work, it was kind of like, all right, I'm being lazy, but now crowd work's a thing. Right. Now I'm getting a clip. Or you were saving yourself. Yes. You were bombing and you were saving yourself. Fine with that, but now crowd works a thing. Right. Now I'm getting a clip. Or you were saving yourself. Yes. You were bombing and you were saving yourself.

Fine with that, but now we're all like, hey, I'm Matt Riefenit up here. Yeah, but then when you get like a clip and it gets nothing and you're like, I sold my soul for like 60 likes. Oh. Fuck that. I think views are down on Instagram.

That's what everyone keeps telling me. Oh yeah, I know Brendan's are. No, you hate traffic. Even when you're not the one driving and you're not in a hurry and you're just doing a podcast, I'm like, hey, this is awful. It is a bummer. How's your ankle?

How does your ankle feel, Chuck? I'm fine, I'm good. My ankle always hurts in traffic. You might have to stretch it. I do too. All that ankle pain. Yeah, so it's a sad state of affairs. And then half of me, the selfish part is like,

hey, well we'll write material and we'll be the kings. Right. But then I also care about the craft of comedy. So then when your friend goes, oof, that was rough. You're like, shit, are people just gonna stop going? Right. Nah. All right.

People will keep going. No, you know what? I post it, like, anytime I post a joke on something, like TikTok, if someone someone is bound to say like, oh, finally, like, yeah, crowd work guy. Right. Well, I saw you at that plate shop or we. That was rough. It's New York. You do a show at like a Hamas factory, right?

Whatever it is. Iron Dome and a dildo house. Yeah. We were in a plate store. They sold plates and knickknacks. That was a hard crowd. They were tough. But you did all jokes I'd never heard before. Oh, awesome. Yeah.

That was like refreshing. Oh, and that girl after. So this girl comes up to me. Oh. So I have that joke, that trans joke, that's like, have you ever felt safe in a public bathroom, blah, blah, blah. Or what did I say?

Something about, oh, yeah. And then I go, if some, wouldn't you want a muscular woman in there blah blah blah go piss I'll fuck them in the ass if they come in that's basically the joke and I've already posted this joke from what you're saying like all right there's a guy and you get fucked in the ass, and toilet paper, and... What am I gonna perform the joke? I'm like, I tell ya, I just put on a Rodney Dangerfield voice. You're like, you're doing that? Do it as you, yeah.

You're doing that? Do it as you. I thought that was soda. Or Sam. And then this girl comes up to me after, and she's like, she called me a fucking bigot. Yes! I was like, you're big?

What? It's a pro-trans joke. That was funny. Thank you. I got it, I got it. Yeah, it It's a pro-trans joke. That was funny. I got it. Yeah, it's a very pro-trans joke. She called me a bigot and I said, why am I a bigot? And she goes, because actually a trans person gets fucked in their ass. They wouldn't fuck someone in their ass.

And I was like, I don't even think that's true. No, it ain't true. If you go from woman to man... And anyone can get fucked in the ass. I got fucked in the ass a couple of days ago. Yeah, it was the best night of my life. On rent. What did you say? On rent. I like that. Oh, yeah.

It's pretty good. Wait. It's expensive. It's fucked in the ass. No, it's expensive. Oh, I thought that was an age joke. I thought it was OK. One hundred twenty one seconds, five hundred anal. She did apologize after you left. She was like, I'm sorry if I offended you.

And I was like, it's fine, who cares? Well, it sounds like she wasn't triggered. She was just trying to correct you. Is that what's going on? I guess, no, she was, she, I mean, maybe, maybe she was just trying to neg me, you know? Audiences don't realize that we have feelings sometimes, you know, when they're like, you suck,

and you go, fuck you, you fat whore, and they go, Jesus, and you're like, well, the suck was bad, you started it. Right, but what was her tone? Was she like, hey, I wanna help you with your joke? No, oh, okay, she was like, fuck you. She was like, kinda busting my balls, but in a way that, you know, I've heard before. Like, when people don't listen to the joke,

they just hear the trigger word, and then they get upset with me. That's almost everybody. She was kinda nice about it, but I was taking past traumas out on her. You know, I was like taking what other people had said out on her. Can I just say real quick, I have no idea where we are.

I've never been in this spot of the city my whole life. I'm like looking at buildings, I'm like are we in fucking Cleveland? I think we're off Canal on the west side. This is crazy. We're definitely on the west side. We're going through the Holland Tunnel. But I'm like, look at these two buildings.

I've never seen these in my life. No one can see them, so it doesn't matter. But yeah, I just did a college last night and Tulane University. So of course, you're like, oh, here we go, college. Oh, fuck, these kids are going to eat me alive. Samarill's alma mater. That's right, and Juzelnik.

No kidding. And they call it Jew lane, it's all Jews. So I said, hey, are there any restrictions? They said, no, go nuts, do whatever you want. I go, come on, everybody says that. And I pissed them off. What happened, really? It's like clockwork, yeah. Well, I came out and called them all kikes. says that and I pissed them off. What happened really?

It's like clockwork, yeah. Well, I came out and called them all kikes, but you know, no, I'm just kidding. Cut that. But I did a bunch of like Israel-Palestine stuff and they were a little funky. But were they like, hey, what the fuck? No, they were just like putting their head down like this, putting their head in their hands like oh Jesus What the fuck is this funny dude? It's like do these guys not look you up. I know

That's what a comedian does Look them up. Yeah, but they were cute kids. They were nice. Yeah, we got paid man I haven't done a college since the 90s I got I did a college years ago, and they wouldn't pay me because I called a kid a virgin. What? Maybe I nailed it. That's insane. Yes. And how does that breach the contract? Is it saying the contract?

Thou shall not call Virgin a virgin. I guess. I don't know. The Virgin Mary, though, which I just was like, hey, he got he just got done jerking off. And he was like, no, I don't know. The Virgin Mary though. But I just was like, hey, he just got done jerking off. And he was like, no, I didn't. And I was like, ah, you're probably a virgin anyway. And they were like, you're out. Did it kill though? Oh, it crushed.

That's a hot crowd. That's really all that matters. I'm a big fan of crowd work. There's nothing worse than when you say something mean, trying to be, cause you're like, the rhythm of this is hilarious, they're going to get, I'm kidding, and then people take it like you're actually being mean to the person. Yeah, I saw a comic, I'm not going to say his name, we all know who he is, and there

was this giant guy in the crowd, giant obese guy, huge, and he goes, well you're going to die soon, and it bombs so bad. And this is me. So you're not saying the name. That was years ago with a guy flipped out. He walked out. It was a whole thing. He rolled out. But yeah, it was ugly.

Do you know? When I was one time, one of the last shows at Caroline's, I was doing I was just bombing with, just bombing with crowd work or whatever, because I was hosting, and one of the guys, there was a guy in an audience just giving me shit, like doing that thing where he's like, you suck, and it's like, and I'm like, I have feelings, you know? And I made that fucking cardinal mistake of going,

okay, who's wrong here, you guys? And the whole crowd, I was so confident that I was right, and the whole crowd was like, you, I was right the whole crowd was like you leave him alone screaming at me I had a similar thing where a guy was saying you suck but he was in the front row and only I could hear it so I went at him and everybody's like what was that about and I was like he was calling me out and I was they were like I didn't hear anything that sucks yeah cuz then cuz you actually you'd have to go like I suck you know you'd have to say it for the crowd

Yes, exactly And then you're like this guy's saying I suck and people in the back are like, so are we? I've probably told you guys both this story before but one time I did a college This is a long time ago because I was drinking me and big Al David. Mmm did I forget that Mitchell College in Connecticut? and we bought like a 30 pack and drank most of them before the show. And I was doing the show. It wasn't going great.

You know, you got to do an hour. At the time, I probably had 40 minutes. And so I was trying to stretch. And I went, oh, man, this guy looks like Seth Rogen over here. And nobody laughed. It just bombed. And I was like, well, whatever.

And so then like 15 minutes later, I was like, oh, not Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill. I confused them. Jonah Hill, right? And then he went, I'm a girl. Oh my god. I called a fat girl with short hair, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. And the first time, she just let it go.

Like she was just like, all right, I guess whatever. I look like Seth Rogen. I'm not going to say anything. Oh my god just like, all right, I guess whatever. I look like Seth Rogen. I'm not gonna say anything. Oh my God, we're on empty by the way. And in dead stop traffic. In the tunnel too. I thought you meant the podcast. This is terrible, Chuck.

We're gonna make it. What? Halfway through the podcast. Whoa, that flew by. Wow. I know, but we're more than halfway through the cast day. We're literally on the red. We're in tunnel. This is like the biggest nightmare of everyone's life.

Oh, we're going to be pushing this thing. Oh my God. We're in, folks, not only do we go the wrong way down a one-way street, we are in fucking bumper to bumper traffic in the Holland Tunnel, literally on empty. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Running on empty. This is fucking nuts.

I honestly don't think I personally would care. I know that it would be like a big deal for for all you guys. I mean, you wouldn't care if we ran out of gas in the middle of the tunnel. No, it'd be great for the pod. Not my car. It's not my I could literally just walk. It would be funny, but we would literally destroy Manhattan. We'll be on the news. That's true. I mean, we have two sold out shows. Can you imagine if this how bad this traffic would be on the news. That's true. And we have two sold out shows.

Can you imagine how bad this traffic would be if this car was stopped and needed a tow truck to come in? Or we had to run to the fucking gas station? I would probably have to be the runner. Yeah. I could see you do that. Yeah, I could not see you doing it. So.

Well, yeah, you wouldn't get that gas for a long time. And I don't know, with that coat, you wouldn't fit in this hallway. I'd just be sitting in a Five Guys with a gallon of gas on the table. I needed a break. Yeah. Can't go 20 minutes without a soda.

So how was the Thanksgiving holiday? Mark, Brendan? Lot of thoughts to talk about. I hate Thanksgiving. What? I know. I'm coming off as a curmudgeon. With that body

Well, my parents are divorced so I get two Thanksgivings and they're both sad Arquistanza, you know Thanksgiving's about bringing a family together Wow Thanksgivings is a nightmare. It sucks dude damn cuz all the kids always go I get two Christmases Yeah, you never think about two Thanksgiving's. No, I'm just overdosing on Tryptophan. And it's like sad, because it's like me, my dad, and my sister being like having the same conversation we just had with my mom. Oh, you got to double up.

It's absolutely brutal. It's like a date. But Christmas, I just bought tickets to the Rockettes. Hey! Oh, I heard that's terrible. Yeah, I mean, we'll see, I guess. I mean, do you like women kicking? They were all together for two tickets, $283.

And that was the lowest. Wow, I think it's a big deal with the youth. Ugh, I bet it stinks. And who are you going with? You got a dame? Yeah, your mom. Oh! Oh, God, oh.

You know that's my sensitive spot. You know I do not. Yeah, your mom Joke about dating my mom that's serious. No, I yeah, I do have a lady. She's cool She's cool. Yeah rocket you could do anything. Yeah, go to the see the Rock edge. You go to the movies You could get laid you could go to the farmhouse or anything. We go into the Rock catsettes. I know. Well, you know, it's I, you know, never seen it before. All right. No, I think it's bad and I think you fucked up. But it'll be fun. Yeah. Go see Wicked. I saw Wicked. I heard it's great. Oh, really? Yeah, I saw Wicked. It's it's now, dare I say,

the best movie I've ever seen in my life. I thought it was a musical. Sincerely, one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. I'm dying to see it. I love a musical. I'm a homo. Sexual. It is three hours long. What? That's a lot of singing witches. Yeah. And it's singing the entire time too. Yikes. And it's only part one. Oh. But there's barely any CGI. The animals are CGI and that's pretty much it. All the world that they've created is real. They've built this Disneyland-esque city.

They've built cities for these actors. We built this city. Everybody's actually singing, too, so they wore microphones. Damn. Which is pretty cool. Why did they wear microphones? Why didn't they just, like, you can see the microphones?

No, no, but. Confused. They are singing. They're actually singing. For every movie, they're wearing microphones. Why don't they just... Like, you can see the microphones? No, no, but... I'm confused. They are singing. For every movie, they're wearing microphones. Yeah, you see the boom mic. It's cool. It's like this 30 Rock-esque kind of thing. I mean, I don't want to be... I don't want to pick on you. You're a beautiful man, but what a hilarious review.

They wear microphones. Like, every film that's ever been made, they wear microphones. You can't see the microphones. But that's what I mean. No, you can't see them. Well, good fellas, they wear microphones. Do they film that's ever been made, they wear microphones. You can't see the microphones. But that's what I mean. No, you can't see. Well, good fellas, they wear microphones. Do they? Oh, do they? I didn't know that.

I didn't wear microphones. I thought it was all ADR. I'm not wearing a lapel mic. Of course they are. They're mic'd up. Sometimes there's a boom, sometimes they're mic'd up. I'm going boom. I think it's all boom.

I mean, I guess, okay. So what's the benefit of like, I watched a movie in there Because they're singing live so oh I see what usually they sing it in a recording studio or something I see well That's that's a better way to say it than that's just they wore microphones. Well. I'm not fucking Roger and Ebert or whatever. I've made a couple movies. They tape a microphone on you. That's one guy.

Who's the other guy? I'm not Robert Andanero. But yeah, when you act in a film, they tape the camera on your chest. I'm checking shaking his head. I mean, I've been in many films. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, you wear a microphone.

Uh-oh, your car's saying you need gas. Yeah, we're literally out of gas, but we're holding microphones, so it's a pretty great podcast. I'm wearing mine. Oh God, I just got a... Have you gotten the Rizzler yet? Yeah.

Okay. That's like what I do on the road for Dan. Like if Dan has a bad set or whatever, he'll just look at me and I'll just give him the... Oh, that fucking kid is getting more pussy than any of us. And he's gotta be... I mean, first of all, he's talentless. Yeah.

But he's cashing in right now. He's like a hoctua for little boys. Oh boy. Yeah, there's a lot of like no talent fame happening right now. Chuck. Here we go, we made it to the gas station. Exxon, baby.

Hey, I think they pump your own gas here. That's one of those Jersey staples. Oh, Jersey. They pump your gas. I love that about Jersey. Yeah. You gotta tip the guy, though. No, you don't.

Oh, good, because I never have. I don't believe in tipping when you're forcing me to do the thing. Good point. It's illegal for me to pump my own gas, and now I'm supposed to tip you for the thing that you won't let me do What is the appeal like what not the appeal? But what's the reason? I think it's all these Goomba Jersey people

They want to spray gas at each other. Oh, we can't give these guys the rains Chuck's mad at us. He looks like Chris Kirkpatrick. Who's that one of the in sync? You do look like in sync guy, yeah Who's that? One of the in-sync guys. Some ugly guy. Oh yeah! He does! You do look like in-sync guy. Yeah. Who, me? Yeah. Fatone?

I'm friends with Fatone. Chris Kropatrick. No, the uglier one. Oh, you don't like that. That's good stuff. You know Joey Fatone? Who don't you know? I don't know.

He's friends with the Jokers. No kidding. My check's getting yelled at. Uh oh. That's good stuff. You know Joey Fathone? Who don't you know? I don't know. He's friends with the Jokers. No kidding. Ah. My check's getting yelled at. Uh-oh.

What did you yell at? Big code. What doesn't work? This pump? Yeah, the pump doesn't work. The pump don't work because the vandals took the handles. Bad pump. Imagine if you ran out of gas going to the other pump.

Ha ha ha. Jesus, you went full speed at the guy. Yeah. Well, Christ almighty. I'm at the guy. Yeah. Well, Christ almighty. I'm angry you were. Yeah, what are you, an Israeli? I just drove 40 miles an hour at this bumper. What the hell that guy thinks we're doing?

Carpool karaoke? Jesus, Chuck, give me a warning. His elbow's on my face. Hey, folks. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. When winter weather keeps us up at night, it's important to learn to love spending time with yourself. BetterHelp's online therapy is here to teach you how to appreciate your own company and

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Dude, I came home once when I was doing ecstasy in high school and my mom was still up and she was like, talk to me. Yes. Talk to me. And I'm going like, I'm literally going. She's going, she asked me, she goes, are you on drugs right now? And I was like, whoa, whoa. It was such a mindfuck. That's brutal. Yeah, I remember I did acid once at my friend's house and we showed up

and his mom was like, let's have dinner. I cooked the whole thing. And all I could remember is his parents were so ugly and scary. And all I could hear was my friend's knife hitting the plate. Like, Oh, chicken for like 20 minutes. You hear the faucet. Yes. Yes, exactly. I'm reading a biography heavier than heaven about Kurt Cobain, and I'm really into it. It's fun because it's like him in high school, and then he's like playing these shows at parties, and he's, you know, it sucks, and all that stuff,

all that fun stuff. It's fun to go back there. It makes you want to start over. You just want to go back to being a teen, like I'm gonna make it. And I think about when I was a teen, I just wanted to make it, but I was just drinking and shitting on the floor.

Oh, yeah. I've seen a young Cobain in high school at a house party like, rape me. Right. You'd probably be like, what a weirdo. Yeah. Who's this weird school shooter piece of shit? Can you not invite Kurt?

Yeah. He just grabs the guitar, starts singing about rape. Well, he is annoying. Like, you were listening to it, and you're like, he would just write on walls. He banged a retard, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he almost did. He pulled back at the last minute. But he was definitely taking advantage. Couldn't get it up. Of a retarded. Forehead. Like, retarded lady. And yeah, he just sounds like a moody asshole.

And people kept kicking him out of houses and stuff. But never mind. Fucking stuff. But, you know, nevermind. Fucking rules. Oh yeah, hell of a tune and album. Yeah. Just an album. How was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, what'd you do, Fetty? Well, I did the gig with Louie.

We did. On Thanksgiving? No, that was the Wednesday. The Tuesday, we did a show in Lynn, Massachusetts. Lynn, Lynn, the city of sin. You don't come out the way you went in. And that one, Bulger, opened. And that was fun.

That was a cool little space, like 120 seats, that fucking kicked ass. Hey, what's up, dude? And then... Is that your impression of him? Yeah, that's my Bulger. What's up, Brad? I was literally just about to do an impression of Louie. Oh, do it.

I was going to be like Louie's like, I think we should sit on each other's laps now. Oh, wait, that's pretty good. Is that bad? Is that good? Yeah, I don't think that was good. That's not bad. No, it's amazing. That's my word. Oh, that's a little bit better.

That's my word. That was a little bit better. There you go. Yeah. That's a little closer. The first one sounded like- Joe hates my impressions. Well, the first one sounded like worst episode ever. Oh, like comic book guy?

Yeah. But the second- Which is what everybody online is right now, by the way. Every single person is comic book guy. That's true. Posting their stupid opinions. Good point. But yeah, so then Thursday, normally Sarah and I run the big road race in Hingham, then

we go to the Wippen Hansen football game and all that went out the window because we were out late because of the show and then you wake up Thursday morning and the road race is at 7.30. We love doing it, but it's like we went to bed late. The baby's gay, Sarah's got a bad back. My fucking, I had a boner and you're like, what if we just didn't do that?

And she's like, I love it. Isn't that the best feeling when you have like a commitment and someone's like, would you mind if we didn't do that? And they're like, I'd love if we didn't do that. And you just feel like, woo. I was hoping for that tonight. So I went for a run on my own and then Thanksgiving, you know, it's just family and my family, we talked about it. No one wants to hear about it anymore. It's just a lot of like, yeah, well, nothing. No, you can't get a rhythm Football only and maybe someone comments on the football game, but it's just a lot of like

What happens when they drink though like does that come out when they're drinking they're always drinking But even then it's just very little you don't get much you kind of talk about the people that aren't there. Do you feel like I have a theory because my family is the same way you can't get a reaction out of me you can't get a read on them and I think it makes you funnier because you learn how to like really pull something out of a guy. Yeah yeah, maybe I don't know. I feel maybe not funnier but used to bombing I don't know. Yeah, I just it's I Don't know. I don't even it's too fresh. I don't even feel like talking Yeah, it's still on you it's just like yeah, you're just like, okay, all right, and then each morning

Do you have this you wake up you're like, okay, all right. And then each morning, do you have this? You wake up, you're like, okay, fresh start. Here we go, I'm gonna really get things up popping today. I'm gonna connect. Today's the day, I'm gonna get some laughs and we're gonna have some fun. And then 10 minutes in, you're just like, all right. Dude, that's every time I go see my family. We're all a bunch of walled up cunts.

That's like, you know, yeah, you can't get anything out of anybody. And people are just in blankets and the phone is bad. We talk about it all the time, but like your niece, nephew and your uncle, your father, they all come over, they just put on a blanket and look at their phone. You're like, all right. Wow. Blanket. That is a bummer. Yeah, it was bummer city. But I went to the Children's Museum on Sunday.

Oh, okay. Now what is the Children's Museum? It's a museum like dead kids like It's like they have a pile of shoes like at the Holocaust Museum, but they're all velcro Yeah, exactly. They're velcro and the kids are in them still You see like little kids from the past. That's a bunch of abortions little kids from the past. Yeah. yeah. It's like Webster's in there and you know. Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple's in there. Hailey Joel Osmoo. Yeah, no, it's a museum for kids. What do you mean? It's like you can play with water bullshit. There's a Lego zipline. There's some other nonsense. This is amazing. Yeah, it's pretty good. And then you just throw the baby in there. And then basically, you just look at the moms.

You're like, who's the hottest mom here? I'm so into moms now. I love a good coog. Well, this is the thing. My attraction, sexuality to me, the thing that's hot, and I've talked about this many times, it's why I don't really love porn. The less sexual someone is, the hotter they are.

Yes. Like Michelle Obama is like in a pantsuit and heels going, we gotta feed the kids. They need to eat well. And so the idea of her being like, ah, fuck me Barry, fucking N-word, you know what I mean? Like it's hot. Yes.

That's why like a kindergarten teacher, Miss Rachel, I just jerk off to Miss Rachel exclusively now. This will be good when my kid's in elementary school. Yeah, that is hot. That's why the librarian thing caught on. Right. Or the priest. What?

The less sexy someone is, the hotter they are. That's why I like a fat, ugly guy. Chuck is like as hot as it gets. Thanks for saying Chuck. Yeah, no problem. I was thinking what's a 50-50 here? I was like, I got to jump on this. No problem.

But yeah, so every mom that walks in, trans, boy, mom, retarded, I just love them all. You got to watch out of that children museum. You don't wanna switch from mom to Jimmy. You know what's even more not sexy? Yeah. Kids. Exactly. No, you gotta have child bearing hips. These museums have really kicked it up a notch

because when I was a kid, the children museum was a, it was bubbles, blowing bubbles, and a fake grocery store. Uh oh, there's that. Beep, beep. Little plastic chicken wings that. Beep, beep. Little plastic chicken wings that you put in a cart. Yes, yes, technically. Well, we have that, the playground that's in the mall near my house.

We pay an amount of money a month and that's what it is. And you just walk, there's like a ball pit and yeah, that kind of stuff. But I don't know, I just, I love every, and now my new neighborhood, it's like a classy high-end neighborhood. So every woman is like in business attire. Oh yeah. It's all heels and pants, suits, Astoria, forget about it, I was the hottest one there.

Ha ha ha. That's true, Queens is a real bastion for a go. Oh yeah. You live there. Oh yeah, Sunnyside is just a bunch of fuckin', nothing wrong with this, but just a bunch of ugly Asians are just But that is what it is a UA I Don't mind an ugly Asian. I

Mean, I'm the sunny side I've been to sunny side Hmm. Well, you told me to check out the sunny side. What was that? Sunnyside Gardens. I said gardens. Yeah, it's lovely I checked that out and it's you know it's okay. Well I wasn't saying it's fucking wicked part two. It's a backyard with leaves and flowers and stuff. Yeah I don't know why I went there and I was like pretty pumped for it to be this big thing that I didn't notice but it's like this little playground. Playground? It's like a playground, it's got like tennis there.

Oh, okay. Oh, I think we're thinking about different things here. Oh, maybe. Yeah. I'll show you on a map or something. Sunny said. How about this, I got a update on my phone and I just typed in podcast story,

that's where I have my notes, and randomly, January 7th, 2014 came up. Weird. My notes from 10 years ago. Whoa. It says gay guy at the diner. I've been coming here for years, dot dot dot since August.

How dare you? I want extra bread. Do you remember that story at all? No idea. David Tell listen to my album. That's fun. I mean, what the fuck is that? Gay guy at the diner.

You think I would remember that. Here's a weird one. I was hanging out with the family again. It was a different night. Kids are kind of a rambunctious they want to go to bed. I had to read one of them a story. Then I talked to my mom. What is about moms have to tell you the saddest shit on the planet? You know, they sit down with you, they're like, so Bill died, your grandfather has dementia, and your dad's gay, or whatever. And you're like, god damn, lady,

I see it three times a year, and every time I see it, you have to tell me about the Holocaust. And then I left the house, got in my rental car, started weeping. What? You ever have that? Yeah, yeah. You have? Oh yeah, I'll cry. I cry all the time. I'm always crying.

Alright. What are you looking at the mirror? What the fuck? Now why the weep? I think it was just like, the Adderall, the show, the holidays, the family, I got a kid on the way. I got a lot going on, and plus being hung over, your anxiety and your chemicals are all wackadoo. And I don't know what hit me. I think reading to the kids and all that shit, family stuff, I don't know, it got me.

Oh yeah. You just think of one set, you ever do this, where you think of like, you're having a fake dialogue with your parents. Yes! Or like, even Alan, and you're having like a fake dialogue with your parents Yeah, or like even Alan and you're like having a fake dialogue with Alan in your head and they he says something Yeah, you made up and then you just start crying No, I've had that never happens to you pretend you're well like I'll have a conversation with my Family and my dad and I'll just like say like why haven't you ever said I love you

And that's not even something I can say to him, right? Which I did by the way, you said that to him. I said that to him recently. I mean, why don't you ever say I love you? What did he say? And he goes, because I never heard it from my dad. Oh, he goes, the closest I ever heard my dad say I love you is he was eavesdropping in the kitchen and his parents were fighting, and his dad goes,

oh, Ty knows I love him. My dad's name is Ty. Ty knows I love him. That's the closest he heard his dad say, I love you. I'm always confused by these people, though, because my dad's like that, too. But you're like, but didn't you wish he said I love you? Yes.

It sounds like it, so why not just do that? Go the other way. Yeah. That's the only reason I would have a kid, is to spitefully do everything my parents didn't do. Right, right. So not molest? Yeah. You're not gonna feed the kid?

So yeah, but I'm not saying I got in the car and I was like, woo! It wasn't one of those. It was just teary, teary. And I think the parents are gonna die soon kind of hit me. Ah, sure. I think that was part of it. So you see these like, oh there's my parents, there's my brother, there's his kids, and then I have a kid.

So you see these new generations coming in and they're going out. And it's inevitable. I always think about it in my head, is it feels like everybody in your family is on a plank, walking off of a ship, and then someone jumps off and everybody just moves the fuck up. Yeah.

It's really scary. It is, and it's coming. By the way, that's best case scenario. Right. They might be like, hey, actually come back here, mom. Brendan, you're going off the plank tonight because Juck can't drive. Right, Beatty's kicked in.

Yeah, it's totally, it's not necessarily in order. Wouldn't it be nice if it was in order? Yeah. True. That's a good way to look at it. I'm out of order, you're out of order. This whole courtroom's out of order. No, I was sobbing yesterday when I got home because my family's here.

Oh really? I sat on my balls. Yeah, because you know, you're just like, yeah, there's no connection, there's no nothing. You think like, oh, this time might be different. Maybe we'll have this thing. and then you're just like. No, it's never different. Do you go in the bathroom and have it out,

or do you do it in the rain? What do you do, in the shower? I do it right in front of my wife, and she goes, what's wrong with you? Damn. And I go, well, I'm sad, and she's like, why? And I'm like, I don't know, I just am. And she's like, well, all right, we're doing great.

And you're like, all right, thank you. Wow. You ever cry in therapy? No, I've never cried. I talk to you about it. Oh, yeah, we talk about this. Yes, you never cried either. I even had this Monday.

Like, I do it all the time. Every time I feel it coming on, I look up. I'm like, I can't cry in this room with this guy. I'm the same. I can't do it either. Yeah, can't do it, won't do it. But I'm so jealous, because Soda cries every time. All these people cry in there. I can't do it either. Yeah, can't do it, won't do it. But I'm so jealous because Soda cries every time. All these people cry in there.

I can't cry in front of a man. Probably healthy, and you probably get so much out. I always want to, yeah. Yeah, I got the ball in the throat once, because I was blowing him. No, but I got that weird frog in the throat. And I could tell Alan was like, here it is. I got him.

It's like when you're killing. Right. You're trying to get that applause break. And he kept pushing it. And I was like, all right, all I got him. It's like when you're killing. Right. And you're trying to get that applause break. And he kept pushing it. And I was like, all right, all right. I see what you're trying to do here. But it ain't happening there, Jew face. Well, no.

I remember being in there telling him the story about how Sarah's father died and the whole weekend. And he was crying and using tissues and like, hand me a tissue. It was like Seinfeld. I used it to wipe my brows. I was like, oh, I don't have any. But I got fucking dead Irish horseshit feeling.

I'm like, the idea of crying in front of a man is just unacceptable to me. Yeah. Yeah, it never happened. I can't even do it in front of a lady. Like I wouldn't do it. If I was going to cry in front of my wife, I would kind of go in the basement.

Right. Run some water. But you're willing to admit that you cried on a podcast. That's something. Yeah, it's just somebody seeing me. It's like somebody seeing you wipe your ass. Yeah. I can tell everybody I wipe my ass.

But if you're there, you know, crouched with that big clump of toilet paper in your right hand, that's a tough image. Yeah. Your nose is all red. You have like a headache. Oh, from the ass? No, but I was shitting today and the wife walked in

and I'm totally fine with the convo on the toilet and she's coming in and out and then I was like, all right, I have to wipe my ass now, you have to leave. That's where I draw the line. Well, you got to remain... Then you started crying. Yeah. You got to remain sexual.

You shouldn't see, like Sarah, like I'll pee with the door but then she walks over and I'm like, ah, no, no, no, I got to kick the door shut because I'm like, You shouldn't see like Sarah like I'll pee with the door up and then she walks over and I'm like I gotta kick the door shut cuz I'm like you can't see I want you to see my dick as like yeah a utility like just pissing you want to see it a dick should be hard and coming in their face yeah you got to keep the spark alive every girlfriend I've ever had wanted to see how my dick pisses Wow maybe she wanted to be peed on. Some women like that. I mean, where do you even do that?

Shower. Yeah. Right. Or on a carpet. On a slipping slide, maybe. Mm-hmm. Well, I don't know. I'd like to cry more.

Call in. What are you crying at home, it sounds like. That's something. Yeah, it was a little repressedy cry. Feels good. Oh, you cry and you cry again. Oh, look at the prison right there. I love looking at prisons. Do you really?

Yeah, because you never see them. I see one right now. Well, now you do. Wow, look at this right on the highway. You ever been in one? Yeah, I did a show at Rikers Island. Whoa! Yeah, it was terrifying.

Man, what a way to really put those prisons through hell. Yeah, they were like, all right, I confess. Yeah, it's a death metal joke. Jeez. How was it, who'd you do it with? I did it with a couple of just, a couple of comics. Wow, sounds like they suck. Well, they're just no one's going to know who they are.

Just say the name. Maybe we know. It was Travis Grant. What? Lindsay Tyson. Oh, I know Lindsay. I love Lindsay. She killed. She actually killed because she's from like... She's funny? Well, she's from like rich. Like, I think her family invented that that thing thing that sinks have in restaurants where you go pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss people are or like the problems they're going through and everything, because you want to be a little,

like I guess, sensitive so they don't kill you. And she's just like, you guys are going to be in here forever, this guy's got a tiny dick, and it's murdering. Wow. Because she just doesn't care. Yeah, also they're probably like, a woman, a young woman is here.

Yes, they were really happy to see a woman. She's funny and very hot. I tried to do a thing where I go, what's the last movie you guys have seen? And they did not think that was funny. I was like, do you guys know what color the grass is outside or something? And they were just like, what the fuck?

That's dark. That doesn't sound sensitive at all. No, no. I had to open, so. You try to be sensitive, but I was like, yeah, you deadbeats. I'm never going to see the light of day again. Yeah. Like also. You get a shower rave.

Well, you wanna be sensitive, but you also wanna be funny. If they get off, they could find you. Oh yeah, well, he never gets anybody off. Yeah, well, that's why I told them I was H Foley. He doesn't have any dates either. Um, love the foal. Woo.

Wait, what was I about to say about prison? H by Lori. It's fun to look at prisons. That prison was fun to look at. You never did a drunk tank or a night in jail or anything? No, surprisingly. Oh boy, that is scary. Yeah, I...

Ian Fydance is always in jail. He's always like calling me the next day being like, I just got out of jail. Really? He's sober and gay. Yeah, but he's a nut like he he jumped he jumps subway Things or or he was telling me he had a knife in his pocket in the car. Oh, yeah Yeah, he got busted an airport for that one. Oh, I remember that David He had a he had one phone call and he called a tell

Try don't bend over, Ian. You're like, Dave, I'm in jail, I need help. He's like, I need help too. Did you ever do a bit about a unicyclist who has a dick on his forehead? And you're like, no, Dave, that's yours. Boy, I am starving. We gotta stop somewhere.

I gotta shove some food up my asshole. 30 minutes out. What are you gonna get? 38 minutes, we can't arrive at six o'clock. We can eat. But you can eat there for free and they got good food. You might spoil your appetite if we get food now. That's true.

Spoil my appetite. What are you, my fucking grandmother? I'll eat twice. That sounds like someone who cares about you. Oh, I gotta get new friends. I do hear stories of Alan crying all the time. What? Yeah, and I'm like, I can't. Oh, he should pay us if he cries. Right. I haven hear stories of Alan crying all the time. What? Yeah, and I'm like, I can't.

He should pay us if he cries. Right. I haven't seen Alan in a while. I'm going Monday. I haven't been there in like a couple of months. Oh, nice. Going back in the swing of things. It always takes a minute in therapy.

It's like warming up a cray, like, all right, let's get moving here. Well, sometimes you just feel like you're like, am I just going to visit this old guy I like? You know what I mean? Like, I feel sad for him. Like, he's like, I miss you, you're my favorite. I don't like you're like, am I just going to visit this old guy I like? You know what I mean? I feel sad for him. He's like, I miss you, you're my favorite, I don't like the other guys, Neil, as much as I like you.

And I'm like, all right. He's always falling asleep when I'm talking. I've heard that before. That sucks. He's never fallen asleep. I'll look up and he'll do that thing where he like corrects himself. That's tough. What time do you go there?

8 PM? 4 AM. No, I go at 1.30 on Mondays. I've seen you go there? 8 p.m.? 4 a.m. No, I go at, um, I go at 1.30 on Mondays. I've seen you live there. I don't like how he judges your interaction with the comedian before. He does? Have you ever had that? No. I'll walk in and it's, you know, I don't want to say his name. He might be more private than we are.

Or you, or whoever, or so. And then like I walk in and they're like, he's like, I noticed when he hugged you you didn't really smile or You didn't seem to greet him that No, I had one time with one person and he's like, why'd you look weird and I was like cuz he's fucking nuts And then I had another one where somebody was in there and they were talking about how I didn't remember their birthday and and they were talking about how I didn't remember their birthday. And then it was funny because I went in and I was like, who remembers a birthday? Who gives a fuck? A birthday. We're adults. The only way you know birthdays if you're on Facebook. And then he was laughing. So it made me feel like he was on my side, which I appreciated. He was like, that's hilarious.

He's like, no, no, I know. Which is must be, that's the weird thing about having a therapist who sees everybody. because one guy's like Joe forgot my birthday and then I go in and I'm like Yeah, why would I remember his birthday? I have a child. I'm busy right birthday, right? It's a birthday the way you remember a birthday as if the person goes. Hey, it's my birthday. You guys want to hang out Yeah, that's how I feel He sees a comic that I had like a three month fling with. Oh, Vecchione. And it didn't end well for me.

Like I didn't I wasn't the winner of the. Sure. We weren't together, but it was just a breakup. So I talked to him a lot about it. And then she just started seeing him. So I was like oh you fucking traitor that should be kind of a unwritten rule like hey if I'm fucking you and I'm going to this therapist you can't start yeah don't start going to the therapist it's a little weird yeah did she did you recommend him no no all

right but she just knows because all the comics. Got it. And she's a comic. Do we know her? Yeah. Ohhhh. Yeah you do. She's cool though. We're friends and all that shit. Okay.

Sarah Tolumage. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what women go there. I've never even seen a woman there. I've seen Rachel. Oh jeez, maybe bleep that. I don't know if that's supposed to be out there. I think she talks about him. Alright, alright, alright.

I believe. How many comics, let's name how many comics that we know that go to Alan. No, that's no good. Well, I heard he said like 10 10. I heard Stavros in my I think he's open about that. But one time I was waiting in the the old office and I heard Stavros laughing and him laughing.

And I was like, Jesus, like I have some sad shit today. Right, right. I missed the old office. That was a great old day. That was a good office. Great office. They have the classical music playing out there. Yeah, that picture of Bobby.

Yeah, it's in Jerry, not Jerry Lewis, Richard Lewis. Oh yeah, the Richard Lewis clipping. I've read that article 900 times. Just out of boredom. Yeah. Well, I'll do this thing when I go in there, I turn my phone on airplane mode. Just out of boredom. Yeah. Well, I'll do this thing when I go in there, I turn my phone on airplane mode. I'm like, I don't want to look at my phone

before I go into therapy. Oh, that's good. Oh yeah, you got to. So I just sit there in silence. Yeah. I gotta go back. He upped my prices and I was like, I think that's a little inappropriate.

We got into it. Oh really? Yeah. He went way up. He's like, I we got into it. Oh, really? Yeah. He went way up, he's like, I saw your Netflix special, now I'm charging you three or four times as much. Jeez. And I pushed back, and he was like, what's all this? And I was like, you taught me how to assert.

Yeah. I'm asserting. He just goes, and now the real therapy begins. Yeah, exactly. Starts slow clapping for you. Oh yeah. He looks good, was he on Ozempic? Ozempic?

Oh, I don't know. When I met him, he was a real Sagalow. And now he's like, now he looks like Ariana Grande. I know. By the way, she's anorexic. Weird name to be anorexic. Grande? Yeah.

Never thought about that. Good point. Should be Ariana Tall. Hello, never thought about that. But should be Ariana tall. Hello, folks. Venti. Well, I'll slip in every conversation we have and I'll be like, and I'm so broke, by the way, because I know that I do the same thing like that. Brilliant. Yeah. Not that it's not true, but I just want to make sure he knows.

I'm going to do that. I also go, man, and Mark's just making so much more money than me. It's crazy. He's got billions He just bought a townhouse One of these cyber trucks right here Oh, yeah, the Tesla you can't not look at a cyber truck. You're like, yep. There it is It's so dystopian. It feels so like apocalyptic. They don't look great. It looks like total recall. It's retarded I fucking hate it feels like it should have machine guns on it

They're faster than a Porsche, but then it'll just be normal. Is that right? Yeah, they're crazy fast. Is it a Tesla? Yeah, of course. I Feel like that they'll just be totally normal like a couple years. You'll just it'll just be like a standard vehicle You see things like Tesla the cars. I'm like, yeah, it's a side. It's a stylish car It's a little slick then that cyber truck looks like, ah, it's a stylish car, it's a little slick. The Cybertruck looks like a Lego. It's insane. I didn't know it was called a Cybertruck. Cybercuck.

Cyber Monday. Well, I feel like when I look at it, I could just see a whole city covered in green, and it just feels like the police would be driving that. It would just pull up right next to you and be like, there's a, what do they call that? When you have to go in early or whatever. Go in early.

You know, when you have to go back in your house. Oh, COVID. No. It does start with a C though. You know when like, Quarantine? No, no, no. When there's like a rule, like when the town sets a rule that you have to be in your house.

The purge. Oh, hey, what the fuck is that word? Convict. An 11 o'clock curfew. Curfew. Curfew. Curfuffle. I feel like they would pull up and be like, there's a curfew, you have five minutes to get inside.

It does look outbreak-y. It's got a Robocop vibe. It definitely has a Robocop vibe. Dead or alive, you're coming with me. I'm so hungry Seven or 730 seven if we show up at 556 for a 730 show I'm gonna take my own life We got plenty of time ribs there too that are

Good call ribs ribs Brendan. I've never seen them ribs. Do you have ribs? Brendan, I've never seen them. Hello folks. I guess we should wrap this thing up. I mean, what are we at there? C note? We're at 75 minutes here. What? Yeah, this is the longest episode we have. We're gonna do one on the way back. We gotta save some of this gold. Save some gold, baby. And we gotta do three Patreons. We're getting everything out right here tonight on this big one. We're camping off 2024 in this car. Absolutely. What's that there, Saggy? No, no, can't do it.

Come on, Fagalow! I'll just make a super joke about giving you guys a 1099 and then everybody would have laughed. But I... Is that your weight? All right. All right. Okay, we're back.

Brendan, where are you going to be? Where can they find you? What's the name of the pod? Sag Daddy, the pod. Sag Daddy the pod. I have a special called Thin Lips. I love that special. I got no road stuff,

but Mike Cannon is gonna be at Uncle Vinny's December 13th and 14th. For two shows, if you guys wanna go see that. No, we don't. Mike Cannon's a twos gig. I did a show with him last week. He fucking murders. He's so funny.

He's tight too. Tight. And the act's not bad either. There we go. He's tight too diabetes, folks. Hey, yo. Check out Sag Daddy the Pod. It's a great podcast.

You're fucking hilarious on that god damn podcast. I'm doing that pod. Yes. I'll do fret. And wow, Mark Norman has not done your pod. That hurts. I had a sniff. Well, we were scheduled.

I had a snafu. Yeah. I forgot it was his birthday. Yeah. And check out Thin Lips, great special directed by my friend Nicole Open, Nicole Lyons, who just had knee surgery. Ah.

Rest in peace. Nicole's awesome too. Yeah, she's great great clipper She knows how to clip that. Yeah, la clippers one of the best and good laffer and she always agrees with me Which I appreciate that she said I had a great body remember that yeah, I do remember that great body Yeah, she said you had good shoulders to low-key hot bud You've Allen's body shoulders you've Allen's body all right I got some dates come I don't know when the fuck this comes out but I'm gonna be oh Montreal February 7th we added a show

thank you guys to fill it up you French fucking maniacs yeah we had to add a show les beijus I'm excited about that always a good feeling to add a show. Love it. Give them another show, that one's full. So February 7th, Montreal. January, I believe it's 16th through the 18th. I'm in Kansas City. Wait, wait, wait. What?

No, it was a false. Sorry, I farted. A false fart, ah, jeez. January 24th and 26th, I think. Sunnyvale, California. April 19th, the Wilbur Theatre, and of course January 9th. That's probably already passed. I don't know when this is coming up.

January, oh, beautiful. January 9th, we're doing Summerville Theatre, Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, and the movie's coming to a theatre near you. We got distribution, which is insane. Wow. We did that movie with it. It was so good good man. So good. Lunch. Thank you both buddies. Marcus. Oh hey I'm coming all over your mom's tits and your dad's ass. I'll be in Houston, Phoenix, Dallas, the Ryman in Nashville, Gashville and oh I, going back to Asheville

for a makeup date because of the goddamn Helene hurricane. So check out mark.com. You can find us all on Punch Up. And when's your new special popping there, Dickless? My special is, I don't know, probably not till March or April, I gotta write a new fucking act. Plus I gotta do all the promotion for the movie first. So the movie movie first movies the focus then the special and I got about seven minutes of material as these people in

Morris planes are what to find out so wait. Oh, I got I got to write some stuff stat And I'm a little busy with this goddamn Movie and child and wife and masturbation habit Chuck. What do you got going on there pal? Check out my podcast fun bearable with comedian Ray Harrington and my buddy Brad Roar. We've had Joe on, Mark, Mike Cannon's been on. I'm going to pressure Sagalow into agreeing to come on later tonight. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Yeah, shit. Funbearablepod.com, good stuff. It's a great pod. I had a blast on there. I'll come back on sometime. Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah, probably not. But thank you guys so much. Like, subscribe, spread the word, do whatever you're going to do. And thank you. Thank you. The mysterious death of a toddler. The gruesome killings of prominent billionaires. The cold case of two murdered women. Death in a small town. The billionaire murders. Forty years

cold. I'm Kevin Donovan and This Is Suspicion, a podcast from the Toronto Star. Listen for a new season with a new case, early 2025. Meanwhile, look for new bonus episodes of Billionaire Murders at thestar.com or wherever you find your favorite podcasts.