Tuesdays with Stories! - #584 Cyber Cuck feat. Brendan Sagalow

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

We're hitting the Road, jack! Mark and Joe are heading to the Comedy Dojo in NJ with Chuck and Brendan Sagalow in tow! We're talking bad sex, we're talking crying in front of other people, and we're talking crowd work. It's Tuesdays!!!  Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for a $1 per month trial of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com  - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. You can't choose why I want to say. Hey, get it up, the bots. What's shaking, folks, Tuesday. Are we rolling there, choochoo? We're rolling at all cylinders. I lost my phone already. We're on Liberty Street and Greenwich Avenue.

Very far from my house. Jesus Christ, you got a docks me. Well, I gave a fake street here. Oh, great. Yeah, we're way far away from where I live. We're in Morris Plains, New Jersey. Absolutely. That's where we're on our way to.

M.P.N.J. Don't say more is town. It's like you say the N-word. They get all hot and bothered. They don't get bothered if you say the N-word. That's true. Bad example. They love it.

That's kind of annoying to, like, have two towns that sound exactly the same right by each other. That's like Stamford and Stanford. Connecticut. Yeah. Yeah, I don't go there anymore. Is there a Stanford, Connecticut? Yeah, there's a Stamford and a Stanford. Is that right?

Stanford. Stanford. I'm just making it up. All right. Stanford's a school. A. Calo Alto. Yeah, in California, yeah.

Maybe I was just making it up. Yeah, no, you're retarded. But we're here. We got a guest. You're one of the very rare guests that we have in the show. Almost never. Yeah, last time I did this was the Brooklyn Skankfest.

Wow. It was the live show. Well, welcome to comedians and cars farting. Fuck's it. You did Skank Fest Brooklyn. Oh, that was like our worst episode of all time. Wasn't it? I thought I did pretty well.

Down in the basement? In Vegas? Yeah. No, no. In the basement of the Brooklyn building that they were doing in Skangfest in. It was you, me, soda, and you guys. It was me, soda, and you guys. That's on the Patreon.

I don't remember it either. That was the year Louis showed up. It was only in Brooklyn once. Wait, if soda was on, did anyone else talk? I was screaming. I mean, I'm glad you guys don't remember it because it's the biggest moment of my life. I don't remember that at all I think about I don't remember that at all

Was it a bomb? Did you bomb? Did we bomb? I'm always bombing Yeah, there was a huge audience What? There was a big audience I'm trying to picture It was in the room where

Where Lewis sucked Bobby's fake dick Same room It doesn't narrow it down Oh God, I don't remember My memory, what are your memories of that? No, I wrote downstairs There was the little comedy club that went all night.

Yes. And I met Isabel Hagan there, and you were like, oh, she's funny. Because we were tagging it, and she was bringing me up. And you said, have you ever seen her? She's funny. Yeah. And I was, so I watched, and I thought she was funny. And now we're very close friends, and that was a big part of that.

That's one of my memories of that. And then Louis showing up. This camera just changed. Should I just aim this at me? Oh, yeah. Just turn to me. We'd like to have two cameras on me at all time. I'm sort of the star.

Anything but chuck. Butt chuck. How much butt chuck? How much butt chug? I could have you. You guys ever mooned anybody in a car? These steps. Wow.

Holy shit. Turn that camera. These legs are seven feet long and thinner than my dick on a Wednesday. He must work out. I'm getting into legs, dude. As I get older, I'm like, legs are starting to get me. You're just now getting into legs? Yeah.

I did a girl with one. Oh, yeah, she reached out to me. No way, Pegg. Yes, Pegg, she's coming to the show this weekend. Whoa. Yes, she said she always had a thing for me. Wow. Yes.

She made me say Joe in bed. Whoa. Wait, that doesn't make sense. That would be fucking you. Yeah, good point. No, she reached out and she said, hey, you know, we met at the wedding, and thanks for always having my back or supporting me. Because every time we bring her up, I'm like, she was the best girl. May stinks.

She rules. Oh, man. Now I'm just trying to think back to everything I said about her. Yeah, she listens. Oh, Peg, I love you. It's not good. I got a baby on the way. I think it's yours.

I'm in like Jerry Flynn, but, yeah, she sent me a nice message. It touched my heart. I got some dopamine out of it because it's nice to know people hear me loving them up. Hey, this might be a really stupid question. I'm sure it is. If two people who only have one leg,

like say Peg and some other guy got together and they got pregnant, would the baby come out and have one leg? No, that's the beauty of biology. It replenishes. Two retards can make a normal. Yeah, Chuck's making a real face up here. Chuck just called you a retard with his face.

And then two normals can make a midget. So it's all pipes down there. That's crazy. Oh, yeah. And two black people can make a white kid. No. Joe Jackson and Michelle Jackson. Is it Michelle? I made it up.

It sounds like something. Yeah, Michelle Obama. She's hot. I don't care what anybody says. She's got legs. And a dick. For days. All right.

Do you remember the rumor that, like, Fergie had a penis? Do you remember that? Who's Fergie? No. Fergie from the black-eyed peas? This is weird because that's what I call my dick. Fergie. Fergie.

Isn't that where a BLM started? Furgy, Illinois? Missouri. I had a dick. Was it Missouri or Illinois? What was that first one? Hands up, don't you? I think that was Ferguson.

Ferguson. But I'm saying Illinois or Missouri? Missouri. It was Missouri, yeah. I went there and people thought it was weird when I went to do the St. Louis funny about it. I was like, can you take me down there? Oh, geez.

And people were like, why do you want to go? That's so funny. But I'm like, well, it was like a big news story for like two weeks. It's like seeing the JFKX. Exactly. Marilyn Monroe. JFK's X. She's hot.

So what happened? Fergie's Dick. No, no. But it was just a big rumor that she was like a hermaphrodite. Oh. Which that word is never used ever, like lately. Jamie Lee Curtis was big on that too. Remember that?

No. Yeah. Oh, that people thought she was in hermaphrodite. Oh, yeah. Which made that scene in true lies even more uncomfortable. God, I could not stop jerking off to that fucking film. Is that the scene where she's dancing? Yes.

Come closer to the bed. Everybody thinks she's so hot in that scene with her. She's dancing with... Oh, no, I'm thinking Saturday Night Fever with John Travolta. Yeah, she's not in that film. No. Wrong movie. What movie am I thinking of where it's John Travolta and they're dancing?

Perfect. It's called Perfect, where they're like exercise quefs. Yeah. And she's always in that little onesie number. What a poll. I've never even heard of that movie. Oh, dude. It's so hot.

I'll send you a link. Please, do immediately. See, I don't think it. She's hot at all. I don't like the face, but the body is like unreal. Great face, great body. The daughter of Tony Curtis. That's right.

And Janet Lee. Oh. That's right. I don't like short hair. Yeah, well. Oh, I love short hair. I like a fucking, I like anything different and new. Shaved head, Mohawk.

Penis. Fucking Afro, Big Cock. Yeah. Just give me something I can. fuck. I hear you. I hear you. You know what I mean?

Like my wife, hot, lover, my God, great. But man, if she had a mustache and pigtails and a tube top,

I would just never stop coming on my father. She'd be Greek. But yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. You want that variety

and then you start looking at uggos and you go, hey, she's ugly. That'd be interesting. I was just thinking about Chuck.

Wow. Just kidding, buddy. Are you on camera? We'd have to pay him for that. All right, because that way they can see.

He's not cheap. Yeah, exactly. Wait, you're on camera? Ah, we're going to get no views. Is that because Brendan on camera? Oh, yeah, every once in a while, I'll fix the camera. Nice. You got a wide lens for that overcoat you got there, Puffy?

Yeah, this is really, this is too much. I should have taken this all before I sat down. Well, Chuck's got the heat blasting also. No, I like it. I like it. No, you have to turn the heat down. I rode my bike here. That is a mistake.

Tell me about it. It is brisk. Oh, it's nifference. Look at these kids. They're going to die out here. I used to ride the Rebels all the time. I probably spent the amount of money it would take to just buy a scooter on the Rebels. And it was freezing.

A couple people died on there, so they had to nix it. Tell people what the Revelle is. Oh, right. It's like rent a moped. So it's like, you know, that's exactly what it is. It's like you rent a moped. I forgot that Chuck's the worst driver. You're actually supposed to be going that way.

You're actually supposed to be going that way. Wow. Chuck, I got to take a photo of this. and then you can plug it in. We're literally facing the wrong direction. This is giving me. I mean, this guy, Ralph Barbosa in front of us is, this is fucking crazy. He did not want.

I'm sending this now. He did not want to help you at all. How you're blocking four lanes. I repeat, there to go. Oh, my God, what a pussy. This is bad. All right, I'm texting the photo. I want you to put it in right here.

Even the Asian guy's upset at you. Yeah. This photo, this photo that we're showing right now is, taken out the front windshield of our car. Look at this. Literally, that's out the front windshield. That looks like the 9-11 place.

I mean, that is crazy. Jesus Christ. Pipe fitting. Isn't that sound like just a dick joke? Of course. Pipe fitting, MD. The grabler. That's hilarious.

The grabler pipe fitting. Oh, yeah. And man, you. You got man. Oh, yeah. Also, isn't it weird that gay, like a gay old time was completely normal? When did that shift to Homo?

I think probably, I mean, the Flintstones was the 60s, and it was gay old time. And that's a cartoon. Right. Probably in the, boy, I don't know, 80s. It had to be such a quick change. Oh, okay. Also, the name, the name Dick kind of went. That was like a normal name.

Dick, absolutely. Dick Nixon. Dick Schofield. Tricy Dick. We had a president of the United States whose nickname was Tricky Dick. That's right. That's hilarious. It's funny that we have names.

that because they sound similar to other names, you just call them other names. Like, Rich kind of sounds like Dick, so we call him Dick. Yeah, it's very strange. Like James and Jimmy. Yeah, but those don't even sound similar. I never even get it.

James is Jim, Richard is Dick. And then Richard could also be Rick. And then Teddy got from Theodore. That's a leap. Yeah, that's crazy. Good point. And another president. Now, how about these names that are bilingual?

It's this Terry. Oh, yeah. Alex. Ashley could be a guy. Oh, yeah. And Sandy. And you got some Joe's. Joanne, Joanna.

Oh, yeah. Sandy's both. Yeah, yeah. Is there ever a hot Joe woman? Sandy Queen? Yes. I had a girl in my high school name Joe, and she was hot. If the name, if a girl is hot with a boy's name, somehow they're even hotter.

Yeah. Absolutely. Or in a guy's body also. Oh, now we're talking. Abs, pecks, dick. I fucked a girl named Joey. famously after doing karaoke. Oh, that's right.

She said, I don't care what you say, I'm coming home with you. And I said, that's such a hot line. It is. I said, saddle up and ride. It's a little impressive. Oh, it is. What do you see? That guy was turning right in Arlene.

Oh, was he pulling a Chuck? Chuckaroo. Chuck a stew. Anyways, let me tell you guys about that. Let me throw this out there and tell me what you guys think. Because I want to keep this close to a regular pod or else to all email us and tell us. They're going to shit on our tits. But please chime in, Brendan.

because I want to hear your opinion. Okay, I hit me. Okay, so we're doing a gig. Me, Sarah Talamash, Dan Soder, Louis Seek. Nice. I heard he bombed a dojo. That's your lineup for the night.

That's your lineup for the night. We're doing Lillipad Jazz Club in Cambridge. That's hot. An old jazz club, which you've got to do. If you ever work in new and in the area, You're visiting the old wifey poo, wifie Jew, although she lives far away, I guess, from there. But if you're ever in Cambridge, go support the Lillipad Jazz Club.

This place Rules. It's run by this guy named Jesse, who's an old musician and just a great artist. Long beard, down past his dick. I don't know how long his dick is, but it's a long beard. Yeah. So we're doing the show. We show up.

I get there first. It's right next to the Ding Ho, the legendary Boston Ding Ho. Did you have any preclusions about doing the studio because that's been very nice to you over the years. Well, the studio, it was, this was Louis' gig, his choice, and the studio, I'd like to go visit Sarah. I just did it Saturday, but we wanted to do our own pop-upy show, and Louis was more inclined to do something different, new, and, yeah, he's got some beef with the old studio. I see, I see. Not beef, not beef.

I shouldn't have said beef. He's got, yeah, exactly. He's got some, whatever. Wanted to try something different. So we booked the lily pad. We show up and it's a cool-ass room, but there's no green room. There's no stage.

There's no green room. It's just a space. It's like a 70 seat, and like they usually have jazz and experimental musicians. Like what? What's experimental? Sexually?

I think like, like, like, like, uh, do, do, dip, oh, well, Oh, gotcha. Like an African tribe family reunion. Just kind of pock-d-d-d-bunk-b-d-b-d-b. Right.

Just some wacky stuff. Got it. And jazz. Okay. Jazz and jizz. So we show up and I'm like, I guess we'll hang outside. It's 20 degrees. Or there's a basement, but it's filled with old bicycles and dog shit.

And it's like just, it's spooky. It looks like Mr. Marbles. Oh, geez. So we're like, I don't know what we're going to do. It's going to be weird. And I'm like, well, I'll just hide in the back, I guess. And then Louis's like, well, I want to watch the show and hear the show. So I jokingly said, hey, what if we all just sat on stage behind each other?

And, you know, Louis goes, you're like, I like an old folk festival. Very experimental. I actually hate that, I'd say. Well, this is what I said. So Sarah is like, what's that? And I'm like, dude, you can't do it. Like Sarah's going to fucking kill somebody. She doesn't want to do it.

She's nervous enough. She doesn't want a fucking. can stand on stage with you and vice versa. And also, I'm like, the crowd, I said, Louis, you're a celebrity. The crowd is here to see you, they're excited, they're, they can't believe they're seeing this guy in such a small space. If I'm on stage and Louis's behind me, they're going to be staring at him

all the time. Sure, I would. Laughing at what he laughs at. Exactly. Now, can you look at your phone? Because that's a long, he's going to do an hour, right? Exactly. And the whole show is like an hour and a half. So I'm like, I kind of want to pace around and look at Dick Pick. and...

Yeah, this is kind of like a hard exercise. Like you're in timeout. Exactly. That's how it felt. And so I said, you know, Sarah's like trembling. She's like, I don't like this idea. And so he's like, what are you crazy? So then Louis comes up to the idea.

This was his solution. I think this is him right here, by the way. This is his solution. He goes, well, how about this? When we open the curtain, I'll just be standing here. And then I'll host the show. Like, like Dangerfield. Yes, exactly.

Like Canada. So, and then there's a little side spot. There's a curtain. I'm like, we could kind of hide behind the curtain to still be on stage, but you can't see. Okay. So I'm like, well, that at least gets the, there's Louis, oh, my God, out of the way. Yeah, one of his specials. Good point.

So we go, all right, well, that'll, that's some kind of solution. Sarah still hates it. We're not in love with the idea, but at least there's that. So that's how we do it. We set up chairs to the side of the stage. It's time for the show. Me and this guy, Jesse, open the curtain.

I was like one of those union guys that gets to open the curtain. Oh, yeah. They get paid well. That was fun. And we pulled the thing open. Louis's standing there. And then it didn't get quite the pop,

I thought. I thought they were going to go crazy. Yeah. But it's Cambridge. So people were doing the legit... Whoa. This thing. It's very artsy-fartsy.

And Louis goes, hey, it's me. I'm going to host the show. And then he brings up Sarah. And he just sits down. So me, Soder, and Louis are sitting literally on the stage with Sarah while she performed. right here.

Yikes. Yikes. And vice versa. By the way, I gotta give a shout out. Dan Soder fucking blew the room off the place. Stole the show. His hour is so tight right now. Really? And he's so good.

Yeah, it was crazy. I mean, you're opening for him for some gigs, right? Yeah, it's awesome. His crowds are great. Yeah. And I've been like seeing this hour come together, which is really cool, too. I've seen the grandma stuff. The grandma stuff is great.

Yeah, he doesn't remember what else he had. I don't want to give it away. He had some amazing. amazing stuff. I mean, just fucking killing. I had to follow them the whole time. You're like, oh, God. Yeah.

This is brutal. And then, like, you have to start looking at your notes because you're like, I got to give them something. You start, like, trying to do voices. You think this bad. What's up you guys? Well, also, I'm trying to do a whole new hour myself. I just shot an hour. And you have this thing when you're like, all right, I'm going to start my new hour.

And then you think, like, I'm going to go up and do none of the stuff from the hour because I got to get new. And then you're like, I don't have the material. Right. Like eight minutes in, you're like, that's actually all I have. Eight minutes is pretty damn good, actually. Yeah, I feel okay about it. But anyways, Soder fucking destroyed.

And then I got to go up. And then you're like, all right, well, they're hot now. You do a couple riffs. They don't hit. And you have that, like, sweat. And then you're like, I can't bomb with Louis Soder and my wife just watching them. Right. You could.

But couldn't you, like, turn to them and be like, it's not going great? Like, wouldn't it be a little bit, you could get laughs out of them sitting right behind you? A little bit. But you don't want to be too Chee-y and no one's really doing that. So you've got to kind of like bring the heat. And I ended up going great.

And then Louis goes on. And then now, like you said, it's a challenge because it's like 45 minutes. And I've done like 12 shows of them now. And I don't know about you guys. I just can't watch. This is why I'm self-conscious about doing the same material over again. Because I don't, when I watch a bit that I've already seen,

I'm like, here we go. This is fucking bullshit. I don't mind that. That's how I feel about crowd work. When I watch someone do. Like, I could be really into someone's bit, even if I've heard it before, like, what did they change? But if someone's like, and what do you do?

And then we're all just staring at someone not talking. I fucking hate it. We're just staring at someone listening. Right. Yeah, but between us, I had a friend coming to town, and he couldn't get in the cellar, and I was like, go to the stand. It should be a decent lineup.

And he texted me, he was like, that was horrific. He's like, every single comic did crowdwork. One guy did material. His material sucked. I got picked on, my friend got picked on, it was a waste of time. I would never recommend anybody go to a comedy show. He wanted to see one.

That isn't the seller. Well, this is the problem with the crowdwork thing because we already had a ton of comics who didn't have material and didn't want to write material to put in the work. And then the crowdwork thing became big. So all of those comics now have an excuse and them and more have an excuse to not do material.

Yes. Like everyone that's been, failing to write material for the last 20 years is like, perfect. Well, you said something that I think someone said to you where it was like people who are impressed with crowd work because someone's being funny on the spot. It's like, yeah, well, that's what's

the first thing of a comedian. When you know you want to be a comedian, it's because you're funny on the spot. That was DePaolo, yeah. DePaolo's like, oh, you're funny off the cuff. Right. We all are. Right. That's why he became comedians. Now write a fucking joke. Exactly. The joke writing is way more impressive because the crowd

work is such a low bar because there's so much tension. So you go, what do you do? I'm a proctologist. What did you pull that out of your ass? Right. Who the fuck is this guy? Holy shit. I mean, that's good though. If I was in the crowd and you said that I would have laughed. But usually they go, what do you do? Oh, I'm a proctologist. I don't know

what that is. And then that gets a big laugh and you're like, great. And then he says, every comic did like that you guys suck. You're not worth my time. What am I doing here? And you're like, what the fuck is that? Like you gotta do a show, you're an entertainer. So that whole thing's out the window too. Must have been a small

crowd night, I bet. Because that's another thing. A lot of people were like, well, it's a small crowd. I'll just not do anything. Right. But isn't that more fun the small crowds when you're like trying out new ideas and stuff? Absolutely. Sure. If the crowd's into it. I'm pandering to the car. Well, I went to

the comedy story years ago, to the O.R. This is like a long, long time ago. And I watched like the late night for a little bit and four comics in a row sat on the stool with their feet on the monitor like this and this shit and just did like Q&A. Oh, you're on an all black show, huh? No, it was all white guys. I can't stand when someone sits on the stool.

It was just so crazy to watch, like, even if you always sit like that, wouldn't you see the last guy sitting exactly like that? Yeah, shit, I can't sit like that. Well, that's the other thing my friend said. He said, no one watches anybody. So they all go up and do crowdwork And they're doing the same fucking questions And asking the same people

And you're like, what am I doing here? What is this? Right. And imagine hearing some bullshit nothing question Like how long have you guys been together For 80 times in a row? You just go six years. They've been together six years.

Right. Yuck. So yeah, we're in a bad way Because before if you did a bunch of crowdwork It was kind of like, all right, I'm being lazy. But now crowdworks a thing. Right. I'm getting a clip.

Or you were saving yourself. You were bombing and you were saving yourself. Fine with that. But now we're all like, hey, I'm Matt Reifing it up here. Yeah, but then when you get like a clip and it gets nothing and you're like, I sold my soul for like 60 likes. Oh, fuck that. I think views are down on Instagram. That's what everyone keeps telling me.

Oh, yeah. No, Brendan's are. Now you hate traffic. Even when you're not the one driving and you're not in a hurry and you're just doing a podcast, I'm like, this is awful. It is a bummer. How's your ankle? How does your ankle feel, Chuck? My ankle always hurts in traffic.

You might have to stretch that. All that ankle pain. Yeah, so it's a sad state of affairs. And then half of me, the selfish part is like, hey, well, we'll write material and we'll be the kings. Right. But then I also care about the craft of comedy. So then when your friend goes, ooh, that was rough,

you're like, shit, are people just going to stop going? Right. Nah. All right. People will keep going. No, you know what? I posted, like, anytime I post a joke on something, like TikTok if it someone someone is bound to say like oh finally like I'm not crowdwork guy right well I saw

you at that uh plate shop or what we that was rough it's new york you do a show at like a hamas factory or whatever it is iron dome and a dildo house yeah and we were in a plate store they sold plates and knickknacks that was a hard crowd they were tough but uh you were you did all jokes i'd never heard before oh awesome that was that was like refreshing oh and that girl after so this girl comes up to me. So I have that joke, that trans joke that's like, have you ever felt safe in a public bathroom, blah, blah, blah. Or what did I say?

Something about, oh, yeah, and then I go, you know, if some, wouldn't you want a muscular woman in there, blah, blah, blah, blah. Go piss, I'll fuck them in the ass if they come in. That's basically the joke. Good way you're acting. Yeah, I've already posted this joke online. I don't care. I didn't even pick up what the joke is from what you're saying.

You're like, all right, there's a guy, and you get fucked in the ass and toilet paper. What are I going to perform in the joke? I'm like, I tell you. I just put on a Rodney Dangerfield Witch. I'm like, you're doing that? Do it as you. You're doing that? Do it as you.

I thought that was soda. And then this girl comes up to me after and she's like, she called me a fucking bigot. Yes. You're big. What? It's a pro-trans joke. That was funny. I got it.

I got it. Yeah, it's a very pro-trans joke. She called me a bigot. And I said, why am I a bigot? And she goes, because actually a trans person gets fucked in their ass, they wouldn't fuck someone in their ass. And I was like, I don't even think that's true. No, that ain't true. If you go from women to man.

And anyone can get fucked in the ass. Anybody can get fucked in the ass a couple days ago. Yeah. On rent. What'd you say? On rent. I like that. Oh, yeah.

It's pretty good. Wait. It's expensive. It's expensive. Oh, I thought there was an age joke. I thought it was okay. $121.21 seconds. 500.

She did apologize After you left I'm sorry if I offended you And I was like it's fine Who cares Well it sounds like she wasn't triggered She was just trying to Correct you

Is that what's going on? No she was she I mean maybe Maybe she was just trying to neg me You know Audiences don't realize that we Have feelings sometimes You know when they're like

You suck and you go Fuck you you're fat whore And they go Jesus And you're like well The suck was bad You started it Right But what was her tone

Was she like, hey, I want to help you with your joke? No. Oh, okay. She was like, kind of busted my balls. But in a way that, you know, I've heard before. Like, when people don't listen to the joke, they just hear the trigger word. Right. And they get upset with me.

That's almost everybody. She was kind of nice about it, but I was taking past traumas out on her. You know, I was like, I was like taking what other people had said out on her. Can I can say real quick? I have no idea what we are. I've never been in this spot of the city my whole life. I'm like, looking at buildings. I'm like, are we in front of.

fucking Cleveland? I think we're off canal on the west side. This is crazy. We're definitely on the west side. We're going through the Holland Tunnel. But I'm like, look at these two buildings. I don't even, I've never seen these in my life. No one can see them, so it doesn't matter.

But, yeah, I just did a college last night. And Tulane University. So, of course, you're like, oh, here we go, college. Right. Fuck, these kids are going to eat me alive. Samarles' Alma Mater. That's right. And Juselnik.

No kidding. And they call it Jew Lane. It's all Jews. So I said, hey, are there any restrictions? They said, no, go nuts, do whatever you want. I go, come on, everybody says that. And I pissed them off. It's like clockwork, yeah.

Well, I came out and called them all kikes. But, you know, no, I'm kidding. Cut that. But I did a bunch of like Israel-Palestine stuff. They were a little funky. But did they, were they like, hey, what the fuck? No, they were just like, putting their head down like this, putting their head in their hands, like, oh, Jesus, what the

fuck is this? That's so funny, dude. It's like, do these guys not look you up? I know! I know! That's what a comedian does. Look them up. Yeah, but they were cute kids and they were nice.

Yeah. We got paid. Man, I haven't done a college since the 90s. I got, I did a college gig years ago and they wouldn't pay me because I called a kid a virgin. What? Maybe I nailed it. That's insane. Yeah.

And how does that breach the contract? Is it saying the contract? Thou shall not call Virgin a virgin? I guess. I don't know. The Virgin Mary, though. But I just was like, hey, he just got done jerking off. And he was like, no, I didn't.

And I was like, ah, you're probably a virgin anyway. They were like, you're out. Did it kill, though? Oh, it crushed. That's a hot crowd. I'm a big fan of crowd work. There's nothing worse than when you say something mean trying to be Because you're like the rhythm of this is hilarious

They're gonna get I'm kidding And then people take it like you're actually being mean to the person Yeah I saw a comic dude I'm not gonna say his name we all know who he is And it was this giant guy in the crowd Giant obese guy huge And he goes well you're gonna die soon And it bombs so bad

Is this me This is why you're not saying the name? That was years ago, but the guy flipped out, he walked out, it was a whole thing. Well, he rolled out. But yeah, it was ugly. Dude, oh, go ahead. When I was, one time, one of the last shows at Carolines, I was doing, I was just bombing with, you know, crowd work or whatever, because I was hosting. And one of the guys, there was a guy in an audience just giving me shit, like, doing that thing where he's like, you suck.

And it's like, and I'm like, I have feelings, you know? Yeah. And I made that fucking cardinal mistake of going, okay. Okay, who's wrong here, you guys? And the whole crowd, I was so confident that I was right. The whole crowd was like, you, leave him alone. Just screaming at me. I had a similar thing where a guy was saying, you suck, but he was in the front row, and only I could hear it.

So I went at him, and everybody's like, what was that about? And I was like, he was calling me out. And they were like, I didn't hear anything. That sucks, dude. Because then, because you actually, you'd have to go like, I suck. You know, you'd have to say it for the crowd. Yes, exactly. And then you're like, this guy's saying, I suck.

suck and people in the back are like, so are we. Right, right. I've probably told you guys both this story before, but one time I did a college, this is a long time ago, because I was drinking. Me and Big Al David did, I forget, Mitchell College in Connecticut. And we bought like a 30 pack and drank

most of them before the show. And I was doing the show. It wasn't going great. You know, you've got to do an hour. At the time I probably had 40 minutes. And so I was trying to stretch, and I went, oh, this guy looks like Seth Rogan over here. And nobody laughed. bombed and I was like well whatever

and so then like 15 minutes later I was like oh not Seth Rogan Jonah Hill I confused them Jonah Hill right and then he went I'm a girl oh my god I called a fat girl with short hair Seth Rogan and Jonah Hill

and the first time she just let it go like she was just like all right I guess whatever I look like Seth Rogan I'm not going to say anything oh my god we're on empty by the way and in dead stop traffic in the tunnel too I thought you meant the podcast

this is terrible Chuck we're gonna make it what whoa that flew by wow I know but we're more than halfway through the gas tank

we're literally on the red we're in tunnel this is like the biggest nightmare of everyone's life oh we're gonna be pushing this thing oh my god we're in folks not only do we go the wrong way

down a one way street we are in fucking bumper to bumper traffic in the Holland Tunnel literally on empty. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Running on empty. This is fucking nuts. I honestly don't think I personally would care. I know that it would be like a

big deal for all you guys. I mean... You wouldn't care if we ran out of gas at the middle of the tunnel? No. It'd be great for the pod. It's not my car. It's not my... I could literally just walk. It would be funny, but we would literally destroy Manhattan. We'd be on the news. That's true. And we have two sold-out shows. Can you imagine if this... How bad this traffic would be if this car was stopped

and needed a tow truck to come in or we had to run to the fucking gas station I would probably have to be the runner. Yeah, I can see you do that. Yeah, I can not see you doing it. Well, yeah, you wouldn't get that gas for a long time. And I don't know, with that code, you wouldn't fit in this hallway.

I'd just be sitting at a five guys with a gallon of gas on the table. I needed a break. Can't go 20 minutes without a soda. So how is the Thanksgiving holiday? Mark, Brendan. A lot of thoughts we talk about. I hate Thanksgiving.

What? I know. I'm coming off as a crumudgeon. With that body? Come on. Well, my parents are divorced, so I get two thanksgivings and they're both sad. Yeah, that sucks. You know, Thanksgiving's about bringing a family together.

You got ketchup on it. Wow. Two Thanksgiving is a nightmare. It sucks, dude. Damn, because all the kids always go, I get two Christmases. Yeah. You never think about two Thanksgiving. No, I'm just overdosing on Trip the fan.

and it's like sad because it's like me, my dad, and my sister being like having the same conversation we just have with my mom. Oh, you got to double up. It's absolutely brutal. It's like a date. But Christmas, I just bought tickets to the Rockettes. Hey! Oh, I heard that's terrible. Yeah, I mean, we'll see, I guess.

I mean, do you like women kicking? They were all together for two tickets, $283. And that was the lowest. Wow, I think it's a big deal with the youth. I bet it stinks And who are you going with? You got a dame? Yeah, your mom.

Oh, shit! Oh, God, oh. No, that's my sensitive spot. You know I don't. Joke about dating my mom. That's serious. No, yeah, I do have a lady. Dating.

She's cool. I mean, Rock, you could do anything. Yeah. You want to see the Rockettes? You go to the movies. You could get laid. You could go to the farmhouse or anything. We're going to the Rockettes.

I know. Well, you know, it's, it's. I, you know, never seen it before. All right. No, I think it's bad, and I think you fucked up. But it'll be fun. Don't go see Wicked. I saw Wicked.

I heard it's great. Oh, really? Yeah, I saw Wicked. It's, now, dare I say, the best movie I've ever seen in my life? I thought it was a Ply. Sincerely, one of the best movies I've ever seen in my life. I'm dying to see it. I love a musical.

I'm a homo. Sexual. It is three hours long. What? That's a lot of singing witches. Three hours long. And it's singing the entire time, too. Yikes.

And it's only part one. Oh. But there's barely any CGI. The animals are CGI, and that's pretty much it. All the world that they've created is real. They've built this, like, Disneyland-esque city. They've built cities for these actors. We built this city?

Everybody's actually singing, too, so they wore microphones. Damn. Which is pretty cool. Why did they wear microphones? Why didn't they just... Like, you can see the microphones? No, no, but... I'm confused.

They are singing. Every movie they're wearing microphones. Yeah, you see the boom mic. It's cool. It's like this 30 rock-esque kind of thing. I mean, I don't want to be, I don't want to pick on you. You're a beautiful man, but what a hilarious review. They wear a microphone.

Like every film that's ever been made, they wear microphones. But that's what I mean. No, you can't see it. Well, Goodfellas, they wear microphones. Do they? Oh, do they? I didn't wear it. I thought it was all ADR.

I'm not wearing a lapel mic. Of course they are. There's a boom. Sometimes there's a boom, sometimes they're miced up. I'm going boom. I think it's all boom. I mean, I guess. So what's the benefit of like, I watched a movie and they're...

Because they're singing live. Oh, I see what you do is. Usually they sing it and then they sing it in a recording studio or something. I see. Well, that's a better way to say it than that's just they wore microphones. Well, I'm not fucking Roger and Ebert or... I mean, I've made a couple movies. They tape them.

It's a one guy. It's a microphone on you. That's one guy. Who's the other guy? I'm not Robert and De Niro. But yeah, when you act in a film, they tape the camera on your chest. I'm Chuck's shaking his head. I mean, I've been in many films.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, you wear a microphone. Uh-oh, your car's saying you need gas. Yeah, we're literally out of gas. But we're holding microphones, so it's a pretty great podcast. I'm wearing mine. Oh, God, I just got it. Have you gotten the Rizzler yet?

Yeah. Okay. That's like what I do on the. road for Dan. Like if Dan, if Dan has a bad set or whatever, he'll just look at me and I'll just give him the old red's face. Oh, that fucking kid is getting more pussy than any of us. And he's got to be, I mean, first of all, he's talentless.

Yeah. But he's be cashing in right now. He's like a hawk toa for little boys. Yeah, there's a lot of like no talent. Yeah. Fame happening right now. Chuck. Here we go.

We made at the gas station. Exxon. baby. Hey, I think they pump your own gas here. Oh, Jersey. They pump your gas. I love that about Jersey. Yeah. You got to tip the guy, though. No, you don't. Oh, good, because I never have. I don't believe in tipping when you're forcing me to do the thing. Good point. It's illegal for me to pump my own gas, and now I'm supposed to tip you for the thing that you won't let me do. What is the appeal? Like, what, not the appeal, but what's the reason?

I think it's all these Gumba Jersey people. They want to spray gas at each other. Oh, all right. We can't give these guys. The reins. I think Chuck's mad at us. He looks like Chris Carpatrick. Who's that? One of the in-sync guys. Some ugly guy.

Oh, yeah. He does. You do look like in-sync guy. Yeah. Who me? Yeah. Faton? I'm friends with Faton.

No, not Faton. Chris Carpatrick. Now the uglier one. No, you don't like that. That's good stuff. You know, Joey Faton? Who don't you know? I don't know.

He's friends of the Jokers. No kidding. my check's getting yelled at. Uh-oh. What does it work? This pump? The pump don't work because the vandals took the handles. Bad pump.

Imagine if you ran out of gas going to the other pump. Jesus, you went full speed at the guy. Christ, how angry you were. Yeah, what are you, an Israeli? He stroked 40 miles an hour at this bumper. What that guy thinks we're doing? Carpool karaoke? I don't know.

Jesus, Chuck. Give me a warning. Elbows on my face. Hey, folks. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. When winter weather keeps us up at night, it's important to learn to love spending time with yourself. Better Helps Online Therapy is here to teach you how to appreciate your own company and enjoy the person you're becoming. You'll learn positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, and how to become the best version of yourself. It's 100% online. Talk to you, therapy. through video chat, messenger, or on the phone. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suit it to your schedule.

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dot com slash Tuesdays. Get on it. Dude, I came home once when I was doing ecstasy in high school and my mom was still up and she was like, talk to me. Talk to me. And I'm going like, I'm literally going

she's going, she's going, she asked me, She goes, are you on drugs right now? And I was like, whoa. Whoa. It was such a mind fuck. That's brutal. Yeah, I remember I did acid once at my friend's house and we showed up and his mom was like, let's have dinner.

I cooked the whole thing. And all I could remember is his parents were so ugly and scary. And all I could hear was my friend's knife hitting the plate. Oh, he cut through the chicken for like 20 minutes. You hear the faucet. Yes, yes, exactly. I'm reading a biography heavier than heaven about Kurt Cobain

and I'm really into it. It's fun because it's like him in high school and then he's like playing these shows at parties and he's it sucks and all that stuff, all that fun stuff. It's fun to be go back to make sure you want to start over. You just want to go back to being a teen. I'm going to make it

and I think about when I was a teen I was just wanted to make it but I was just drinking and shitting on the floor. Oh yeah. I've seen a young Cobain in high school at a house party like Rape me. Right. You'd probably be like,

what a weirdo. Yeah. Oh, this is weird school shooter piece of shit. Can you not invite Kurt? Yeah. He just grabs the guitar, starts singing about rape.

Well, he is annoying. Like, you were listening to it, and you're like, he would just, like, right on walls, like, uh.

He banged a retard, yeah, well, yeah, he almost did. He pulled back at the last minute, but he was definitely taking advantage. Couldn't get it up of a retarded.

Forehead. A retarded lady. And, yeah, he just sounds like a moody asshole, and people kept kicking him out of houses and stuff, but, you know,

never mind fucking rules. Oh, yeah, hell of a tune. An album. Yeah. Just no. How was your Thanksgiving? Yeah, what would you do, Fannie? Well, I did the gig with, uh, Louis.

We did... On Thanksgiving? No, that was the Wednesday. The Tuesday, we did a show in Lynn, Massachusetts. Lynn, Lynn, the city of Sin. You don't come out the way you went in. And that one, Bulger opened. And, uh, that was fun.

That was a cool little space, like 120 seats. That fucking kicked ass. Hey, what's up, dude? Is that your impression of him? Yeah, that's my boulder. I was literally just about to do an impression of Louis. Oh, do it. I was going to be like, Louis, like,

I think we should sit on each other's laps now. Oh, way, that's pretty good. Is that bad? Is that good? Yeah, I don't think that was good. That's not bad. No, it's amazing. That's my word. That's my word.

That's my little more. There you go. Yeah. That's a little closer. The first one sounded like, Well, the first one sounded like worst episode ever. Oh, like comic book guy? Yeah.

Which is what everybody online is right now, by the way. Every single person is comic book guy. That's true. Posting their stupid opinions. Good point. But yeah, so then Thursday, normally Sarah and I run the big road race and hang him. Then we go to the Wittendenhansen football game and all that went out the window. Because, you know, we were out late because of the show.

And then you wake up Thursday morning. And the road race is at 7.30. We love doing it. But it's like we went to bed late. the baby's gay, Sarah's got a bad back I had a boner and you're like, what if we just didn't do that? She's like, I love it.

Isn't that the best feeling when you have like a commitment? Yeah. And someone's like, would you mind if we didn't do that? And I'd love if we didn't do that. And you just feel like, woo. I was hoping for that tonight. So I went for a run on my own and then Thanksgiving.

You know, it's just family. And my family, we talked about it. No one wants to hear about it anymore. It's just a lot of like, well, nothing. No, you can't get a really. rhythm. Yes.

There's no rhythm. No rhythm. I mean, it's just football only and maybe someone comments on the football game, but it's just a lot of like what happens when they drink, though? Like, does that come out when they're drinking? They're always drinking. But even then, it's just very little. You don't get much.

You kind of talk about the people that aren't there. Do you feel like I have a theory because my family is the same way. You can't get a reaction out of them. can't get a read on them. And I think it makes you funnier because you learn how to like really pull something out of a guy. Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. I feel. Maybe not funnier, but used to bombing? I don't know. Yeah. I just, it's, I don't know. I don't even, it's too fresh.

I don't even feel like talking about it. Okay. Yeah. It's still on you. It's just like, yeah, you're just like, okay. All right. And then each morning, do you have this? you wake up, you're like, okay, fresh start.

Right. Here we go. I'm going to really get things up popping today. Right. Connect. Today's the day. I'm going to get some laughs and we're going to have some fun. And then 10 minutes in, you're just like, all right.

Dude, that's every time I go see my family. We're all a bunch of walled up cunts. That's like, you know, you can't get anything out of anybody. And people are just in blankets and the phone is bad. We talk about it all the time. But like your niece and nephew and your uncle, your family. They all come over. They just put on a blanket and look at their phone.

You're like, all right. Wow. A blanket. That is a bummer. Yeah, it was bummer city. But we went to the Children's Museum on Sunday. Oh, okay. Now, what is the Children's Museum?

It's a museum of, like, dead kids, like in windows. It's like they have a pile of shoes, like at the Holocaust Museum, but they're all Velcro. Yeah, exactly. They're Velcro and the kids are in them still. Yeah, you see, like, little kids from the past. That's a bunch of abortions. Little kids from the past. Yeah, yeah.

It's like Webster's in there and, you know, Ricky Schroeder. Shirley Temple. Shirley Temple's in there. Haley Joel Osmoe. Yeah, no, it's a museum for kids. What do you mean?

There's like you can play with water bullshit. There's a Lego zip line. There's some other nonsense. This is amazing. Yeah, it's pretty good. And then you just throw the baby in there. And then basically you just look at the moms. You're like, who's the hottest mom here?

I'm so into moms now. I love a good coog. Well, this is the thing. thing. My attraction, sexuality to me, the thing that's hot, and I've talked about this many times,

but is, it's why I don't really love porn. The less sexual someone is, the hotter they are. Yes. Like a Michelle Obama is like in a pantsuit and heels going, we gotta feed the kids.

They need to eat well. And so the idea of her being like, oh, fuck me Barry, you fucking N-word, you know what I mean? Like, it's hot. Yes. That's why like a kindergarten teacher

Miss Rachel. I just jerk off to Miss Rachel exclusively now. This will be good when my kids in elementary school. Yeah, that is hot. That's why the librarian thing caught on. Right. Or the priest. What?

The less sexy someone is, the hot of the year. That's why I like a fat, ugly guy. Chuck is like as hot as it gets. Thanks for saying Chuck. Yeah, no problem. I was thinking, what's a 50-50 year? Yeah, I was like, I got to jump on this. No problem

I don't drop on anything But yeah So every Every mom that walks in Trans boy, Mom Retarded I just love them all

You gotta watch out of that Children Museum You don't want to switch From Mom to Yeah You go you know what's even more Not sexy Yeah

Kids Exactly No you gotta have Childbearing hips These museums Have really kicked it up a notch Because when I was a kid The Children Museum

It was bubbles Blows and a Fake Grocer Store Oh, there's that. A little plastic chicken wings that you put in a cart. We have that, the playground that's in the mall near my house. We pay an amount of money a month and that's what it is. And you just walk, there's like a ball pit and, yeah, that kind of stuff.

But I don't know. I just, I love every. And then now my new neighborhood, it's like a classy high-end neighborhood. So every woman is like in business attire. Oh, yeah. It's all heels and pantsuits. Astoria, forget about it. I was the hottest one there.

That's true. Queens is a real bastion for a go. Oh, yeah. You live there. Oh, yeah. Sunnyside is just a bunch of fucking... Nothing wrong with this, but just a bunch of ugly Asians are just around. Nothing wrong with that, of course.

But that is what it is. A UA. I don't mind an ugly Asian. I mean... I'm to Sunnyside. I've been to Sunnyside. Well, you told me to check out the Sunnyside. What was that?

Sunnyside Gardens. Sunnside Gardens. Yeah, it's lovely. I checked that out and it's, you know, it's okay. Well, I wasn't saying it's fucking Wicked part two. It's a backyard with leaves and flowers and stuff. Yeah, I don't know why. I went there and I was like pretty pumped for it to be this big thing that I didn't notice.

But it's like this little playground. Playground? It's like a playground. It's got like tennis there. Oh, I think we're thinking about different things here. Oh, maybe. Yeah. I'll show you on a map or something.

Sunny said. How about this? I updated my phone and I just typed in podcast story. That's why I have my notes. And randomly,

January 7th, 2014 came up. Weird. My notes from 10 years ago. It says, gay guy at the diner. I've been coming here for years.

Dot, dot, dot, since August. How dare you? I want extra bread. Do you remember that story at all? No idea. Dave Attell

to listen to my album. That's fun. I mean, what the fuck is that gay guy at the diner you think i would remember that here's a weird one i uh was hanging out with the the family again there's a different night kids are kind of a rambunctious they don't go to bed i had to read one of them a story then i talked to my mom what is about moms have to tell you the saddest shit on the planet oh yeah they sit down with you like so bill

died uh your grandfather has dementia and your dad's gay or whatever and you're like god damn lady i see it three times a year and every time i see you have to tell me about you know the holocaust and then i left the house got in my rental car started weeping what you ever have that yeah yeah you have oh yeah i'll cry i cry all the time i'm always crying all right what are you looking at the mirror i shall let the fuck now why the weep i think it was just like the adderall the show the the holidays the family i got a kid on the I got a lot going on And plus being hung over

Your anxiety and your chemicals are all Wackado do And I don't know what it hit me I think like reading to the kids And all that shit And family stuff I don't know it got me Oh yeah

You just think of one set You ever do this where you think of like You're having like a fake dialogue with your parents Yes Or like even Alan and you're like Having a fake dialogue with Alan in your head And they he says something Yes

That you made up and then you just start crying No. That never happens to you? You pretend your father's or something? I'll have a pretend conversation with my family and my dad and I'll just say like, why haven't you ever said I love you? And that's not even something I can say to him. Right.

Which I did, by the way. You said that to him? I said that to him recently. I went, why don't you ever say I love you? What did he say? And he goes, because I never heard it from my dad. Oh. He goes, the closest I ever heard my dad say I love you is he was eavesdropping in the kitchen.

and his parents were fighting, and his dad goes, oh, Ty knows I love him. My dad's name is Ty. Ty knows I love him. That's the closest he heard his dad say, I love you. I'm always confused by these people, though, because my dad's like that, too, but you're like, what, didn't you wish he said, I love you?

Yes. It sounds like it, so why not just do that? Go the other way. Yeah. So the only reason I would have a kid is to, like, spitefully do everything my parents didn't do. Right, right. So not molest?

Yeah. You're not going to feed the kid? I'm not saying I got in the car and I was like it wasn't one of those it was just teary teary and I think the parents are going to die soon kind of hit me I think that was part of it so you see these like oh there's my parents there's my brother

there's his kids and then I have a kid so you see these like new generations coming in and they're going out yeah it's like inevitable I always think about it in my head is like it feels like you're like everybody in your family is on a plank, you know, walking off of a ship, and then someone jumps off and everybody just moves the fuck up. Yeah.

It's really scary. It is, and it's coming. By the way, that's best case scenario. Right. Like, they might be like, hey, actually, come back here, Mom. Brendan, you're going off the plank tonight. Because Chuck can't drive. Beatty's kicked in.

Yeah, it's totally, it's not necessarily in order. Wouldn't it be nice if it was in order? Yeah. True. That's a good way to look at it. I'm out of order. You're out of order. This whole courtroom's out of water.

No, I was sobbing yesterday when I got home because my family's... Oh, really? I sat on my balls. Yeah, because, you know, you're just like, yeah, there's no connection. There's no nothing. You think, like, oh, this time might be different. Maybe we'll have this thing. And then you're just like...

Do you go in the bathroom and have it out or what do you do in the rain? What do you do in the shower? I do it right in front of my wife and she goes, what's wrong with you? Damn. And I go, well, I'm sad. And she's like, why? and I'm like, I don't know, I just am. And she's like, well, all right, we're doing great.

And you're like, all right, thank you. Wow. You ever cry in therapy? No, I've never cried. Oh, yeah, we talked about this. You never cried either. No, I even had this Monday. Like, I do it all the time.

Every time I feel it coming on, I, like, look up. I'm like, I can't cry in this room with this guy. I'm the same. I can't do it either. Yeah, can't do it. Can't do it. But I'm so jealous because soda cries every time. All these people cry in there.

I can't cry in front of a man. Probably healthy. and you probably get so much out. I always want to, yeah. Yeah, I got the ball in the throat once because I was blowing him. No, but I got that weird frog in the throat. And Alan was like, here it is.

I got him. It's like when you're killing. And you're trying to get that applause break. And he kept pushing it. And I was like, all right, all right. I see what you're trying to do here. But it ain't happening there, Jew face. Well, no, I remember being in there telling him the story

about how Sarah's father died and the whole weekend. And, like, he was crying and using tissue. and like, can't be a tissue? It was like Seinfeld. Like I used it to like wipe my brow. I was like, oh, I don't have any. But I got fucking dead Irish horseshit feeling. I'm like, I, I, the idea of crying in front of a man is just unacceptable to me.

Yeah. Yeah, never happened. I can't even do it in front of a lady. Like I wouldn't do it. If I was going to cry in front of my wife, I would kind of go in the basement. Right. Run some water. But you're willing to admit that you cried on a podcast.

Yeah. That's something. Yeah. just somebody's seeing me. It's like somebody's seeing you wipe your ass. I can tell everybody I wipe my ass, but if you're there, you know, crouched with that big clump of toilet paper in your right

hand, that's a tough image. Yeah. Your nose is all red. You have like a headache. Oh, from the ass? No, but I was shitting today and the wife walked in, and I'm totally fine with the convo on the toilet, and she's coming in and out, and then I was like,

all right, I have to wipe my ass now. You have to leave. That's where I draw the line. And then you started crying. You got to remain sexual. You shouldn't see, like, Sarah, like, I'll pee with the door up, and then she walks over. And I'm like, I don't, no, no, I got to kick the door shut. Because I'm like, you can't see.

I want you to see my dick as, like, a utility, like, just pissing. You want to see a dick should be hard and coming in their face. Yeah, you got to keep the spark alive. Every girlfriend I've ever had wanted to see how my dick pisses. Wow. Maybe she wanted to be peed on. Some women like that. I mean, where do you even do that?

Shower. Yeah. Right. Or like tarps. On a slip and slide, maybe. Well, I don't know. I'd like to cry more. Call it.

Well, you're crying at home, it sounds like. That's something. Yeah. Yeah, it was a little. It was a repressedy cry. Feels good. You cry and you cry again. Oh, look at the prison right there.

I love looking at prisons. Do you really? Yeah, because you never see him. I see one right now Well now you do Wow Look at this right on the highway You ever been in one?

Yeah I did a I did a show at Rikers Island Whoa Yeah it was terrifying Man way to really put those prisoners through hell Yeah they were like All right I confess Yeah

How was it? Who'd you do it with? I did it with a couple of just A couple of comics Wow something they suck no one's going to know who they are Just say the name, maybe we know It was Travis Grant What, Lindsay Tyson

Oh, I know, Lindsay, she killed She actually killed because she's from like She's funny Well, she's from like rich Like I think her family invented that That thing that sinks have in restaurants Where you go ps and you spray it Oh wow

No, she comes No, yeah kind of I guess a nozzle It's a hose Okay So I guess she comes from that. And so I don't think she understood where she was or who these people are or like the problems they're going through and everything. Because you want to be a little like, I guess, sensitive so they don't kill you. And she's just like, you guys are going to be in here forever.

This guy's got a tiny dick. And it's murdering. Wow. Because she just doesn't care. Yeah. Also, they're probably like a woman. A young woman is here. Really happy to see a woman.

She's funny. And very hot. I tried to do a thing where I go, like, what's the last movie you guys have seen? And they did not think that was funny. I was like, do you guys know what color the grass is outside or something? They were just like, what the fuck? That's dark. That doesn't sound sensitive at all.

No, no. Well, I had to open. So, you're like, you try to be sensitive, but I was like, yeah, you deadbeats and never going to see the light of day again. You got a shower rave. Well, you want to be sensitive, but you also want to be funny. If they get off, they could, you know, find you. Oh, yeah.

Well, he never gets anybody out. Yeah, well, that's why I told them I was H. Foley. He doesn't have any dates either. Love the foal. Wait, what was I about to say about prison? It's fun to look at prisons. That prison was fun to look at. You never did a drunk tank or a night in jail or anything?

No, surprisingly. It is scary. Yeah, Ian Fydance is always in jail. He's always, like, calling me the next day, being like, I just got out of jail. He's sober. gay. Yeah, but he's a nut. Like, he jumps subway things or, or

he was telling me he had a knife in his pocket and the cops saw it. Oh, yeah, yeah, he got bused at an airport for that once, too. Oh, I remember that. David Telling him out. He had one phone call and he called Atel. Can you imagine? I tell him in jail. Oh, really? Oh, Trut. Don't bend over,

Ian. You're like, Dave, I'm in jail. I need help. He's like, I need help too. Did you ever do a bit about a unicyclist who has a dick on his fore? head and you're like, no, Dave, that's yours. Boy, I am starving. We've got to stop somewhere. I got to shove some food up my asshole. 30 minutes out. What are you going to get?

38 minutes. We can't arrive at 6 o'clock. We could eat. You could eat there for free, and they got good food. You might spoil your appetite if we give food now. Spoil my appetite. What are you my fucking grandmother? I'll eat twice. That sounds like someone who cares about you. I've got to get new friends. I do hear stories of Alan crying all the time What? Yeah, and I'm like, I can't Pay us if he grows right

I haven't seen Alan a while I'm going Monday I haven't been there in like a couple months Oh nice Back in the swing of things It always takes a minute in therapy It's like warming up a craye Like all right Yeah

Let's get moving here Well sometimes you just feel like you're like Am I just going to visit this old guy I like You know what I mean? I feel sad for him Like he's like I miss you You're my favorite I don't like the other guys

Neal as much as I like you and I'm like, all right. He's always falling asleep when I'm talking. I've heard that before. That sucks. He's never falling asleep. I'll look up and he'll do that thing where he like corrects himself.

Oh, that's tough. Yeah. What time do you go there? 8 p.m.? 4 a.m. No, I go at, um, I go at 1.30 on Mondays. I've seen you living there. I don't like how he judges your interaction

with the comedian before. He does? Have you ever had that? No. I'll walk in and like it's, you know, I don't want to say his name. He might be more private than we are. Or you or you or who.

whoever or soda. And then, like, I walk in and they're like, he's like, I noticed when he hugged you, you didn't really smile or you didn't seem to greet him. Oh, I'm like, what? No, I had it one time with one person. He's like, why'd you look weird? And I was like, because he's fucking nuts. I know who that was.

And then I had another one where somebody was in there and they were talking about how I didn't remember their birthday. And then it was funny because I went in and I was like, who remembers a birthday? Who gives a fucking birthday? We're adults. The only way you know birthdays is if you're on Facebook. And then he was laughing. So it made me feel like he was on my side, which I appreciated.

He was like, that's hilarious. He's like, no, no, I know. Which is must be fun. That's the weird thing about having a therapist who sees everybody because one guy's like, Joe forgot my birthday. And then I go in and I'm like, yeah, why would I remember his birthday? I have a child. I'm busy.

Right. It's a birthday. Right. It's a birthday. The only way you remember a birthday is if the person goes, hey, it's my birthday. You guys want to hang out? Yeah, that's how I feel He sees a comic that I had like a three-month fling with

A couple of summers ago And it didn't end well for me Like I didn't I wasn't the winner of the Sure We weren't together but it was just a breakup So I talked to him a lot about it And then she just started seeing him So I was like, Jesus, you fucking traitor

That should be kind of an unwritten rule like hey if I'm fucking you and I'm going to this therapist you can't start going to him don't start going to the therapist it's a little weird yeah did she did you recommend him no uh no uh no no but she just knows because all the comics got it got it do we know her yeah oh yeah you do she's cool that we're we're friends

and all that shit but sarah tolomash yeah I'm trying to think of what women go there I've never even seen a woman there I've seen Rachel oh jeez Maybe bleep that. I don't know if that's supposed to be out there. I think she talks about him. All right, all right, all right, all right. I believe.

Let's name how many comics that we know that go to Allen? No, that's no good. I heard, uh, I've already said like 10. 10? I heard Stabros in my, um, I think he's open about that. But I, one time I was waiting in the old office and I heard Stobros laughing and him laughing. And I was like, Jesus, like, I have some sad shit today. Right.

I missed the old office. That was a great old thing. That was a good office. great office they'd have the classical music playing out there yeah that picture of bobby yes and jera not jerry louis richard lewis oh yeah the richard lewis uh i've read that article 900 times just out of boredom yeah well i'll do this thing when i go in there i turn my phone on airplane mode i'm like i don't want to look at my phone before i go into therapy oh that's good oh yeah so i just sit there in silence yeah uh i got to go back he he up my prices

and I was like, I think that's a little inappropriate. We got into it. Oh, really? Yeah. He went way up. He's like, I saw your Netflix special. Now I'm charging three or four times as much. And I push back, and he was like, what's all this?

And I was like, you taught me how to assert. Yeah. I'm asserting. He just goes, and now the real therapy begins. Exactly. Start slow clapping for you. Oh, yeah. He looks good.

Was he on Ozembic? Ozempic. Oh, I don't know. When I met him, he was a... Real Sagalow. And now he's like, now he's, now he looks like,

uh, Ariana Grande. No way. By the way, she's anorexic. Weird name to be anorexic. Grande? Yeah.

Never thought about that. Good point. Should be Ariana tall. Hello folks. Vinty. Well, I'll, I'll slip in every conversation we have and I'll be like,

and I'm so broke, by the way, because I know that he, I did the same thing. I did the same exact thing. Brilliant. Yeah. Not that it's not. true, but I just want to make sure he knows.

I'm going to do that. I also go, man, and Mark's just making so much more money than me. It's crazy. He's got billions. He just bought a townhouse. Oh, yeah. He killed me. Oh, look. One of these cyber trucks right here. Oh, yeah. Oh, the Tesla. You can't not look at a cyber truck. You're like,

it's so dystopian. It feels so like apocalyptic. They don't look great. It looks like total recall. It's retarded. I fucking hate it. It feels like it should have machine guns on it. They're faster than a Porsche. But then it'll just be normal. Is that Right? Yeah, they're crazy fast.

Isn't it Tesla? Yeah, of course. I feel like that they'll just be totally normal. Like a couple years, you'll just be like a standard vehicle, you see. Isn't that weird about things? Like Tesla, the cars, I'm like, yeah, it's a style, you know, it's a stylish car. It's a little slick. The cyber truck looks like a Lego.

It's insane. I didn't know what was called a cyber truck. Cybercuck. Cyber Monday. Well, I feel like when I look at it, I could just see like a whole city covered in green. and like it just feels like the police would be driving that. Like it would just pull up right next to you and be like, there's a, you know, what do they call that?

When you have to go in early or whatever? Go in early. You know what? When you have to go back in your house? Oh, uh, COVID. No. Uh, it does start with a sea, though. You know, in like, quarantine?

No, no, no. When there's like a rule, like when the town sets a rule that you have to be in your house. The purge. Oh, a, um, what the fuck is that word? Convict. 11 o'clock curfew. Curfew. Curfew.

I feel like they would pull up and be like, there's a curfew. You have five minutes to get inside. Yeah, it does look outbreaky. It's got a robo cop vibe. It definitely has a robocop vibe. Dead or alive. You're coming with me. I'm so hungry.

We got it, Fannie. Is the show seven or seven-thirty? Seven. If we show up at 556 for a 7-30 show, I'm going to take my own life. We got plenty of time. We got ribs there, too, that are really. good. I might get those. Good call. Ribs. Now, do you have ribs? Brendan, I've never seen them. Hello, folks.

I guess we should wrap this thing up. I mean... What are we at there, C-note? We're at 75 minutes here. What? Yeah, this is the longest episode we have a day. We've got to do one on the way back. We've got to save some of this gold. Save some gold, baby. And we've got to do three patrons. We're getting everything out right here tonight and this big one. We're catching off 2024 in this car. Absolutely. What's that there, Saggy?

No, no, I can't do it. Come on, Fagelow! I'll just make a super joke about giving you guys a 1099, and then everybody would have laughed. But I... Is that your weight? All right. Okay, we're back.

Brenda, where are you going to be? Where can they find you? What's the name of the pod? Sag Daddy to Pod. I have a special called Thin Lips. I love that special. I got no road stuff, but Mike Cannon is going to be at Uncle Vinnie's December 13th and 14th

for two shows. guys want to go see that no we don't Mike Cannon's a Tuesdays gig I did a show with him last week he he kills he killed murder he's so funny he's tight too tight and the act's not bad either he's tight too diabetes folks hey hey oh uh check out sag daddy the pod it's a great podcast you're fucking hilarious on that goddamn podcast I'm doing that pod yes you fret and uh wow Mark norman has not down your pod. That hurts. Well, we were scheduled. I had a snafu.

Yeah. I forgot it was his birthday. Yeah. And check out thin lips. Great special directed by my friend Nicole'd open, Nicole Lyons. Yeah. Who just had knee surgery. I rest in peace.

Nicole's awesome, too. Yeah, she's great. Great clipper. She knows how to clip that later. LA Clippers. One of the best and a good laugher. And she always agrees with me, which I appreciate. And she said I had a great body.

Remember that? Yeah, I do remember that. Great body, huh? She said you had good shoulders, too. She said low-key, hot bod, great shoulders. You have Allen's body. Okay. Wow.

All right, I got some dates coming. I don't know when the fuck this comes out, but I'm going to be. Oh, Montreal, February 7th, we added a show. Thank you guys to fill it up, you French fucking maniacs. We had to add a show. Lebejeu. I'm excited about that. Always a good feeling to add a show.

Love it. Give them another show. That one's. full. So February 7th, Montreal. January, I believe it's 16th through the 18th. I'm in Kansas City. Wait, wait, wait. What? Oh, it was a false.

Sorry, I farted. A false fart. Ah, Jays. January 24th and 26th, I think, Sunnyvale, California, April 19th, the Wilburth Theater, and of course, January 9th, that's probably already passed. I don't know when this is coming up. January, oh, beautiful. January 9th,

we're doing Somerville Theater, Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian, and the movie's coming to a theater near you. We got distribution, which is insane. Wow. That movie was so good, man. So good, lunch. Thank you both buddies.

Marcus? Oh, hey, I'm coming all over your mom's tits and your dad's ass. I'll be in Houston, Phoenix, Dallas, the Riemann in Nashville, Gashville, and, oh, going back to Asheville for a make-up date because of the goddamn Helene. hurricane hurricane so check out markdormaccombe.com. We can find us

all on Punch You Up and once you do special pop in there Dickliss my special I don't know probably not till March or April I gotta write a new

fucking act plus I got to do all the promotion for the movie first the movie's the focus then the special and I got about seven minutes of material

as these people in Morris Plains are what to find out so can't wait oof I got to write some stuff stat and I'm a little

busy with this goddamn movie and child Elden wife and masturbation habit. Chuck, what do you got going on there, pal? Check out my podcast, Funbearable, with comedian Ray Harrington and my buddy Brad Rour. We've had Joe on, Mark.

Mike Cannon's been on. I'm going to have pressure Sagalow into agreeing to come on later tonight. Hell of, shit. Funbearablepod.com, good stuff. It's a great pod. I had a blast on there. I'll come back on sometime. Yeah, be fun.

Probably not. But thank you guys so much. Like, subscribe, spread the word, do whatever you're going to do, And thank you. Thank you.