Tuesdays with Stories! - #589 Emotional Lyft

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Heyyyy folks! We're hitting the ground RUNNING this week - Mark comes up with a genius idea for Uber! Joe premieres his Tom Dustin doc in Massachusetts and has an emotional experience! Mark parties in Phoenix with Sal Vulcano and Rick Glassman before heading to Austin to do Protect Our Parks and Kill Tony! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 15% off Huel, plus a free gift for new customers. Use the code TUESDAYS at https://huel.com/

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't change the... Hi-ya-ya! This is it folks. We're here, we're queer. Next time you see me it'll be two gay dads. That's crazy. I mean this is it. I mean this is gonna come. That's crazy. I mean, this is it.

I mean, this is going to come out in six months. I know. We're behind. Fuck off. What do you want me to do? If we missed an episode, you'd all throw cum in our hair. This is... there goes the YouTube ad. Oh, that was quick.

Yeah. Happy... Seven seconds. No, that was within seven seconds for sure. Seven seconds is longer than you think. Intro. The intro counts? All right. We're back. Come in my mouth, throw it in my hair. Yeah. Multiple Migs. So. That's how I got

pregnant. This is how, this is the lab recording. You're having the baby, plan C session in two days. 48 hours from now. Yes. This is my last hurrah. This is it. Oh god. That's insane. Next time we come here, we'll have to pause because there'll be a crying baby upstairs. I'll have a Haitian lady beating it or something. That might have been a samurai. I don't know what that was. Either way. I've never been to Haiti. Will Sylvaince is from there, sort of.

Not really. Hopefully never. If you're in Haiti, something's wrong. Yeah, I guess hotter than Haiti. Maybe you could be recruiting an athlete of some sort, but they don't really have Haitian baseball players, I don't think. No, no. I don't know what sport they play. Rugby or chop the head off the lady? Haiti, Haiti. I don't know. Are they pirates? What's going on in Haiti?

Yeah, no, Somalia. That's a whole different continent. I'm the Haitian now. But yeah, happy Cinco de Mayo everybody. I'm sure we're way, we're locked and loaded for the rug rat. We got a, you know. We got a few, yeah, we got a few locked and loaded. And now the studio is in your house.

You can just come right downstairs and shoot a pod and get out of there. And my God, I took the subway here. Woo, this kid's a gunner. I mean, this is, I don't know what to tell you folks. He's going to be street wise tough. He's going to be fast talking. Now he's going to be like Sagalow. He's going to have a big gold chain and his pants hang. He's going to be like, yo daddy, what's up baby player. I'll kill him. I'll put him down. I can't handle that.

That kid will be locked in the basement chained to a radiator Yeah, it's it's cook town out there. I was just at the Starbucks. The guy was like, yeah, what's this? What's this right here that that cake that's cake pop. I'll cake and the guys like yes, sir. It's a cake pop He's a sitting Jews Problem. I know I sound horrible. That was what he sounded like. What do you want for me? That's true Sometimes the impression is just accurate. It's not racist too hot too hot in the hot tub Well anyways, how you feeling? How you doing? How you living? I'm actually you know I've processed it and what are you gonna do? It's coming anyway, so I'm not gonna sit here and just go oh

Like I'm not gonna sit here go. Oh my god. It's happening cuz it's happening anyway, so I'm just I'm just taking it Yeah, no, it's all good. I mean nothing. It's like everything. You know it's happening, because it's happening anyway, so I'm just taking it. Yeah, no, it's all good. It's like everything. Nothing's happening right now. Exactly. You're just sitting here. So why scramble? I'd like the guy on the execution line

with the blindfold and the cigarette. I'm not going, he's going to shoot me. I'm just like, here it comes. Put one in my head. Right. And then you go there, and it's only the moment where you put on all the gear, you put on the hair net and the shoe net and the thing and the swampy thing and the other

business and then Matt Damon and the department. Exactly. And then yeah, you're like, all right, guess I'm a dad now. And then they go, Oh, Mr. Norman, we're ready for you. You piece of shit. Then you go, okay. And you come in and she's like, Oh, right. And then you're like, this is it. That's what I hear every comic says. You're not a sociopath, right? Because everyone's like, when you see it, you magically fall in love and you kiss it, you hug it and you take your shirt off like Burt Kreischer

and you put it on your tits and I go, oh great. And then eight comics pull me aside, they're like, you're not gonna feel much when you see it. It happens later. Well, Vitor, I mean Vitor, my buddy, my buddy my pal the love of my life I just saw him the other day for the first time in six months well he's got nine kids he's like Elon Musk or Nick Cannon and he lives out in Ramsey New Jersey I never even heard he can't even find on the map it's like four hours away Gordon Ramsey Vitor he's not one of

these guys that goes you gotta and I'm not gonna name names, but people will figure it out. You gotta move nine hours away. This is the best way to do it. All I need to do is drive for four and a half hours, sit in traffic, go over the bridge, pay a fee, and I'm home. He's like this, it's a fucking horrible.

It's horrible. It's like a 45 minute drive, I hate it, I gotta find parking, but his in-laws are there. So God bless him for that. You gotta get out. But he was like, you don't feel like you're the dad until he's like nine months old. And I was like, oh wow, okay.

And then I'm like, what are you, a psychotic fucking maniac? Yeah. I was like, I was pretty emotional right away, and you feel sweet, and then they get just a quiet whatever. But I was like I was pretty emotional right away. You feel sweet and then they get just a quiet whatever. I'm like nine months. I'm like that's that's like wild. You should be attached to your baby before nine months. Nine months is insane. Well his lady does a lot of stuff I think. Yeah I don't think he's ever met the second

kid. He's on the road with Sam but he is fucking hilarious. I watched him at his great formally stand up in New York. Now in New York, I think it was your show, which they all thought you were there. Oh, good. Yeah. Good communication skills. Might want to work on that. I didn't say anything. They're like, exactly.

They're all like, Norman's next. I'm like, Norman's in Austin. They're like, no, no, he's next. I'm like, he's in Texas. I told him that's on them. I told him I'm not going to be there. I wasn't on the flyer. Yeah. Well, what are you going to do?

There was a lady in a comedy shirt. She's like, he's not here. I'm like, I'm sorry. We gotta get a cutout Can you just carry a cutout that's foldable? You can just whip it out of your back pocket or blow up a And then I just form and it goes comedy. Yeah Perfect that tickled Lips tickle that it lingers it-oh. I've heard that before. Remember your lips tickled and it lingers? It lingers. Yeah, still had dealing with it. You have to let it linger.

Oh, what was I talking about? Oh, Veeder just had killer, killer stuff. I mean, his jokes are fucking gold. Pitch perfect, not a wasted word. Also what's great about Veeder, he never really complains. No. You never hear Veeder like, fucking this,

Kathy Hochel, the subway system, whatever. And then you never hear, anytime you zing him, he laughs. It could be a weak zinger, a mean zinger, anything, you go, hey, well, you're ugly. And he's like, ah! He loves a zinger about him. He's a big laugher, big laughy, laughy taffy. Yes.

I still remember my all-time classic in Vancouver when we sat at the steakhouse and the song I want candy was playing and I Said that's Veeders order killed Killed Jerry still hits No, he's great but he'll complain but he doesn't complain like like like I just did about a certain somebody where I'm like this motherfucker He's like this. I don't even get it. It's crazy, but I don't know people vote for this guy. He's a fun silly boy He's such a good vibes that guy has three children. He never mentions them you come in you're like I haven't slept in a week My kids fat. I'm gay. He's like who well

Might have different approaches to our parenting. He lives with his in- gay. He's like, who? Well, I think we might have different approaches to our parenting. He lives with his in-laws. He's got 14 people. I'm not kidding. I don't think he's picked up his kid. His wife lives at home. She doesn't do shit.

He's got in-laws over there. He's on the road more than anyone I've ever met in my life. Yeah, well, there is a type of wife, and my friend has this, and she's like, get out. Get out of the house. Let me do it. You're going to fuck it up. You're going to drop in a tub with a toaster or put them in the oven, let

me do it. And he just goes, okay. And he goes to the strip club. Right. I also think maybe because you don't have a kid yet, because every time I talk to him, he's like, it's brutal, wait till he's four, he comes in my bed, he kicks me in the dick. He's like, they keep getting stronger. Like, that's all we talk. He talked for about 30 minutes straight about like, I don't know how we're gonna do it, this is wild, it's crazy. Well, but he's a good friend

because I didn't want to hear about it. Yeah, I think he doesn't like you. But, um, wow. It's like that dumb and dumber joke where she's like, yeah, a lot of stuff, I don't want to bore you with the details, and he goes, thanks. Thank you.

Love that joke. Yeah, dumb and dumber is a hell of a film. I got furious with Ronan Hirschberg. Let's all just shit on all our friends here while we're here. Bring it on. We haven't hit 5'6 yet, by the way. What's 5'6? All the heights of the guys we're shitting on.

Oh, I see. Yeah, good point. Well, so Ronan, the Farrelly brothers just reminded me, we were talking about this movie, Anora, have you watched this film? I keep hearing about it, I have not seen it. Well, I just didn't like it very much. I thought it was okay. Yeah, it was annoying. Picture of the year, everybody's saying. I know, but it's just fucking annoying, annoying, or whatever, I don't know, whatever, something clever and funny. But they just, it gets like comedic and silly, and I was like,

it wasn't hitting, nothing was funny to me, it was just annoying, and he goes, well it's not the Farrelly brothers. And I got furious, because I'm like, you're doing a purposefully shitty thing. I know that it's not the Farrelly brothers, but the Coen brothers are doing dramas that are hilarious. Or Paul Thomas Anderson, hilarious.

They're not the Farrelly brothers But the movies hilarious Tarantino exactly fucking Tarantino Scorsese another one. Yes, yes, Wolf of Wall Street It's not the Farrelly brothers, but it's a fucking hilarious film midget tossing exactly so I'm like fuck you fuck your family I don't know what had to do with anything. Oh check out his new podcast your favorite movie sucks Yeah, so does his podcast apparently it's he's got horrible reviews. Everything sucks. He hates everything. But I do hate that argument. It's like when they do this one, they go, well, I'm not a rocket scientist. Yeah, I know. I asked you to install a shelf. Right. That has nothing to do with rocket science.

And a rocket scientist might not be able to install a shelf. So don't give me the rocket science. Exactly. I don't even care about rocket science. How hard is rocket science might not be able to install a shelf so don't give me the don't give me the rocket science exactly I don't even care about rocket science. How hard is rocket science? You put flame at the bottom of a dick and it shoots in the air. That's true You light a fuse why like I already did it How about this guy do this another guy won't name names these people you go Hey, what times the show front am NOT your agent? Yeah, but you're my friend and you have the information I'm looking for.

Exactly, exactly. I have this a lot of times, people Google it. I'm like, but you're my Google. You know. You know the information. You know the answer. Just text me three words. What time's the thing?

Yeah, I hate that. Look it up. Well, I'm looking it up. I'm asking my dear friend, what time are you going to the thing? Right. Oh. How hard is that? Hate that.

I'm not your agent. That's brutal. I used to get that all the time from a certain somebody, but I love them still. I think I know who it is. I don't know if you do love them. Oh, I love them. Alright. Maybe we're talking about different guys. Maybe. Fat guy? No.

Oh, alright. Fit guy. Oh, then I definitely don't know. No. I got an itch right here. Doesn't that suck when you have an itch here? Because it looks like you're itching your asshole. Yeah. This is my asshole. It's my hamstring. Looks like you're itching your asshole Yeah, this is my asshole My hamstring looks like you're playing a hell of a base there quite the X

Let's get into it you just got back from Tejas where else were you what the fuck I'm ready to eat by the way What are you some famous amos? I'll get some later. Yeah, I don't want to crunch on the on the mic But I'm very exciting ironically on the episode of Ronan's podcast, I ate a bag of famous anus. I said I'm sabotaging your stupid podcast. There you go. It's a takeoff of our podcast. I've got a famous anus, if you ask my- Oh, it's famous.

Cub Scout troop. Yeah, all right, I've been everywhere but all over. First off, did Phoenix. Oh, great city. Great comedy town. Let me throw this at you with Phoenix. OK, I got I got two nights in Phoenix, the Friday two show, Saturday two show. Beautiful.

No Thursday, no sun. Love it. Love it. So I go, all right, we're in Phoenix. First show down. Great. Wait for the second show. I get a. Oh, is this hey this hey man Sal Volcano of impractical jokers I'm in town with Big J, Jay Larson, Rick Glassman, you're at the stand-up live and Jared Freed is at the other one, the Copper Blues. So I go, ooh that was cute.

So I go, holy shit, what are you guys up to? And he goes, we only have one show, Celebrity Theater, in the round. He's doing very well. Oh, that's that spot. Yeah. The famous place. So he goes, I'm going to rent out the ballroom in my hotel. He's in some swanky joint, you know, he's a joker and

He goes getting a couple bottles of booze some food come on by and I go I'm in fatty Wow Something great about comics in another city. Oh, it's the best. It's a special thing Well, you're away from your wives your family the home you got that feeling of like we're getting away with something It's like a field trip. Yes, it's summer camp. I went blown away by his last time I was in Phoenix, I was with Sal Vulcan, not last time, the first time I was there. I opened for him one weekend ever. Wow.

He never used me again. Yeah, I heard about that one. That was tough. Well, whatever. So what were all those people doing? They were all working with him? He was doing the Celebrity Theater with Jay Larson opening. Big Jay was at a something or other,

or some kind of big event. Big Jay Larson. And then Jared Freed was at the other club, Desert Ridge. Right. Rick Glassman was displaced from the fires. Wow. So he was in, he's like, I'm going to Phoenix. I'm getting the fuck out of Dodge.

No shit. Yeah. And he said, can I do a guest set? And I said, Texel. So he did one of like I'm going to Phoenix. I'm getting the fuck out of Dodge. No shit Yeah, and he said can I do a guest set and I said Texel so he did one of the Celebrity Theatre I was like, that's better and get it off me. That's really smart. Thank you You don't want to be friends with me. You want to be friends with Sal? He's in the round. I'm gay exactly. So we all hung out. It was great. We I brought my openers. They're like Dayton Bissette's fat So we all hung out, it was great. I brought my openers, they were like, oh, how cool is this? I had to date and beset fat ass. He's blown away by anything, that fucking retard. He's like a little farm boy virgin.

Yeah, he's a make-a-wish from Oklahoma. Everything you take him to, he's blown away. He's like a special needs boy. He's got like a mesh hat that's on like this. He's got straw coming out of his mouth and his assholes, smooth and beautiful. I was telling him, I was like, you gotta meet Tim Dillon. He would eat you with a spoon.

You're a snack. You'd be open for 20 years with that guy. That's a great point. I mean, he'd just have to suck him off every couple days. It's better than doing mics in the city. Absolutely. Great Tims. Yeah, so we had a good time.

Corbin Lee Master, he was also there. He killed, he was featuring. And we just had a good run and we did Lee Master, he was also there. He killed, he was featuring. And we just had a good run and we did it up. And what a weekend. We added the show Saturday at 4pm. Oh, I love it 4pm. That's my dream ever. Love it. All the time is not to add a show at 4pm, but just to have a show at 4pm. Yes.

I want to do, I've said this many times, I want a show at 4pm. It ends, I go straight to the hockey game or the basketball game or the gang bang. Whatever it is. I just want to be done at five, which by the way, the fat black has allowed me to do it. But I love it. That's when I have this rug read. I'm putting that thing to bed. I'm closing the door, locking it and going to the fat black and then coming back. It's the best feeling in the world. I know I'm a little worried about it because you're going to start getting all these, you're going to be home all the time. I've been scoring all these fat blacks

because you're out riding hit fences. Fat black. Fat black. Well, you can't do every night. I can do some. You do Tuesday, Wednesday, I'll do Thursday, Friday. And we'll do some splitsies. Ooh!

My two dads. I like it. That's pretty good. I like it, yes. Two girls, one show. So we have a great night. And then we had this one. Let me feel this out. So Sal had one show. So he's kind of given me like the, hey, not depressed, but where are you? You know, like-

Are you doing a spot or going to the hang? I'm doing two shows, but I want to go to the hang. But he's a dad. Jay Larson's a dad. Big Jay's fat. You know, they all don't want to stay out all night. Right. Jay's a dad, Big J's fat, you know, they all don't want to stay out all night. Right. Jay's a dad. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Two dads or two kids. No.

Right? One's a secret if there's a second one. Uh-oh. Maybe one's... No, he's got one kid. He's got what's-her-toes. She's like 20 years old now. You're right.

Destiny or Champagne. No, it's... What's-her-name? Carmen. It's like something like that. It starts with a C. Carmex, Carmichael. Cynthia. champagne, what's her name? Carmen, it's like something like that. That's with a C. Car Max, Carmichael.

Cynthia. Car Max. Carmella. Soprano. I don't know. Yeah, I can't remember. Well, so they all, so they're, you know, it's already like 11.30, 12 o'clock.

So they're like, hey, how you looking? And I go, I'm jumping an Uber right now. Get the Uber, always a bad sign. As a joke, I go, uh-oh, here's our Uber, and it's a fat black lady. I'm making a joke, and my friend goes, ah, female driver, brrp, brrp, brrp, brrp. And then it all came true.

Said she'd be there in three minutes, showed up at nine, we get in the car, I look at the, I'm all ETA in an Uber. That's all I stare at is that fucking phone ETA. Just, how much more small talk? Oh, eight more minutes, all right, five an Uber. That's all I stare at is that fucking phone ETA. Of course. How much more small talk? Oh, eight more minutes. All right, five more minutes.

Here we go. By the way, the Uber, they always do the venting. You know in Uber, you get in an Uber and they're like, we're gonna chat. Oh, geez, get out of here. These guys are, you gotta get window shades. These guys recognize you. I know, now he knows where I live.

Those are fans that now are aware of your home. That's bad. Well tell him Chuck lives here and then... Oh no. Oh, I thought that one plant would do it. You gotta get some shades. Yeah, that was crazy. We're filming a TV show. Yeah.

It's like if you were walking up the street and Tom Hanks and Robin Wright Penn were fucking on a couch. Similar to that. Yeah, maybe a little worse. But yeah, well today's show has people. That's true, but it's a studio. It's not their home. Fucking Bob Barker doesn't live at Price's right. That's a shame, I thought he did.

I thought he fucked those ladies at night and took care of the pets. Well, he neuters his tits or something. Yeah. That was bad. That was bad. We got this one. I know. It was like a high mom one in each window. How much is that podcaster? All right. Well Shit, so yeah, okay We get in the uber and this the uber always vents cuz you think like oh this guy's been alone all day

He'll want to hear from you, but they just want to talk their sociopaths. Yes I just had a guy like this the other day He was going on about superheroes and I was insane. I couldn't even say he was Spanish He was like you're super and you know when you can't understand the guy so you're like, I don't know and he's like you don't Know superhero Yeah, I know superhero right right Well, how about this for an idea? Uber therapy. Has this been done? I'm listening, I'm listening.

Okay, okay. There's taxi cab confessions. Well, you're going to therapy once a week anyway, whatever, twice a week. Uber, to get to JFK's an hour, you're paying the guy anyway. Why not pay a little bit more, have a therapist drive an Uber, and then you could do your therapy in the car? I like it. I mean, you're taking multiple needs

and shoving them into one. It's smart. Aha! I think it's smart. I mean, you gotta get, then it's hard to find a qualified therapist as it is. You gotta get one that can drive. I mean, Alan, I wouldn't want driving me around.

The guy's a fucking Manhattan guy. That's true, that's true. But I mean, most people can drive. Chuck can drive. guy. That's true. That's true, but I mean most people can drive Chuck can drive Yeah, that's true. We saw the video therapy. I know but I'm saying a therapist is how is rare But a therapist you drive I bet 98% of therapists drive. That's true. I'm in a little bubble here in New York true, you know Yeah, I think I think it could work. I don't know is you're already a therapist You can already drive put the fucking things together now. I don't know. He's already a therapist. You can already drive, put the fucking things together. Now we don't have to go to therapy anymore.

You're going to be in the car anyway. Zip, zam, zoom. You have a title in mind. Oh, I got emotional lift. Oh, I like it. I like it. Emotional lift. You get in the car and you go, hey, you're doing great. Be kind to yourself.

I got the slug line. That's the title. Here's the blurb. Need a pick me up? Eww! That sounds a little drug. Yeah, it sounds like coffee. Pick me up sounds like a Coke Uber, which is also a good idea. Yeah, a drug dealer Uber. It's like that Hedberg joke. FedEx drives a drug dealer, he doesn't even know it. Oh, I like that one. Yeah. He's good.

Yeah, it's something. RIP. Yeah, you're getting addiction. So yeah, so Uber therapy, emotional lift, that's not bad. We'll put a pin in it, as they say. So yeah, we get to the Uber, and I'm looking at the clock, and it's like 11 minutes away. I'm like, all right, we got 11 more minutes.

We can do it. Sal's like, hey, how you looking? Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, 11 minutes away. And then we get the chatting she's going on about her life. She's a black lesbian with short hair, and she's telling me how hard it is to be a lesbian and how no one understands her. And she had to move out of LA because she couldn't find anyone she liked and all this. I look back at the ETA, 13 minutes. And I go, oh, it looks like we're going the wrong way and she goes, oh don't worry, you got somewhere to be? Oh my god. Like, yes I got an Uber. I'm paying you to take me somewhere I need to be. Yes, exactly. So I was like, oh we're kind of in

a rush here and she's like, oh you're in a rush. Now she's giving me shit about being in a rush. Oh. I mean it was the worst Uber driver of all time and I was fuming in the back. Hate the fumes. I mean so did she end up... We got there. It was a 14 minute drive originally. I think we got there in like a half hour. Oh. So it doubled or maybe 25 minutes but yeah brutal and you want to go this is why you left LA. You stink. Right everyone hates you in LA. Yes. You're a shitty Uber driver, chit chat, Cathy fuck. And maybe get fit also. How about that? Yeah. You don't want a man's plane. Now you're in the back. She's already talking about being how hard it is their life. And now I'm the

white guy. Like I'm watching the GPS and it's like a blue line, straightforward. And she'll just take a right. I'm like, I want to go, why'd you take a right? Right. You know, but you don't want to push, and you don't want to be a backseat anal. No, it's hard. It's hard to be white. We just had this today. We were at the Wonder, the playground you went to, and jumped in the ball pit.

Beautiful place. Great ball pit. I was telling Casey Balsham the story. She's like, he jumped in the ball pit? And I was like, well, he's a little unusual. Casey ball pit. But we had this. And I'm kidding. It's hard to be white. We're the worst and it's difficult or not hard to be white. It's easy. We breeze through whatever the fuck, whatever you want to hear.

Hard in this neighborhood. So my God, I'm taking an Uber out of here. The sun will be down. It's like the Lauper. It's crazy. Oh, sorry. Anyways, so what was I about to say? Oh, so today we're at the place. We're not at the ball pit today. We're in the bouncy castle.

And there's all kinds of rules. Adults can't be in the bouncy castle. There's a designated area for food. We go over there and these ladies are Asian. Nice ladies. I see them. I think they're grandparents or nannies. I'm not sure which. But they're sitting

in the bouncy castle, two adults with two kids, just sitting in there. Not like, what, see, when I go, my baby's little, he could fall out of the fucking thing. So I sit in the entrance, but it's like billiards. I keep one foot flat on the outside to establish myself as I'm outside. So I'm kind of leaning in, hey, watch out for that, and here's a ball. You got like a knee in there? I got like a knee, like half a butt because I got to monitor this kid. He's little, he's not four.

Well, these people aren't, I've been there. They're all on their phones wearing masks and playing Angry Birds. It's goofball city. So I got the flat foot. These two are just fully in their Indian style. Just sitting like this playing music on their phone. And then they're feeding the kids. They're eating food in the bouncy castle with music playing and sitting inside. And it's hard not to wonder. I'm like the wonder it's hard to wonder. I'm like if Sarah and I did this I think they would come over and be like hey can you because one time you're supposed to have socks the baby sock comes up they take

their socks off they hate socks these children. So the lady came over she's like I'm sorry but can you got to put a sock on it's the rules. His sock came off which everyone's socks come up there every kid just pulls their socks off and I'm reprimanded Wow these two are sitting inside the thing No adults allowed playing music. You can play your own music Yeah eating in a fucking shared bouncy space eat it first of all eating in there is horrific It's just nothing but kid shit feet and spit and semen all over bouncing around getting mixed together It's a petri dish, Jerry. Exactly.

And then they're gonna eat their kids, so now he can't bounce. Also, you're gonna choke and die. You're like in a bouncy castle with bananas in your mouth. Is the kid hopping with the food? Oh, he's bouncing. He's rolling around. Wow. You know, the kids are sweet.

They don't know. I was goofing around with them being sweet. And I'm not furious about it. I'm just kind of like, whatever. It's more like, that's insane. That's insane. But you do sometimes wonder if the young white whippersnapper Gen Z kids are just like,

we can't say anything to them. They're minorities. Do minorities know about that? Do they know about the- Well some do. We talk to some comics that are like, it's hilarious. We get away with it. Right. That's fine. That's all I need is the acknowledgement. Just to know I'm not Well, some do. We talk to some comics that are like, it's hilarious. We get away with it.

Right. That's fine. That's all I need is the acknowledgement, just to know I'm not fucking crazy. Right. So yeah, like any black guy pulls out a cell phone and I'm like, take my house, take my wife, please, because you don't want to be that guy on the film, the footage. I would love to take my wife. I'll pay a guy. Good one. Oh, yeah. Film that. You take the phone and film that. Send it to me. I'll put it in my hidden folder. It'll be our little secret.

The three of us, no one will know. Exactly. But I was like, can somebody come over here? We got reprimanded for one sock off a one year old. Wow. These folks are playing music, sitting inside, eating food. That sucks. That was like, come on. Yeah, that's crazy. Now, can you bounce around the food eating people? Yeah, they were bouncing.

They were just like, they'd hand him the food, and he would keep bouncing around. Oh, wow. Interesting. But they're in there. They're not supposed to be in there. They're not supposed to be in there. How about that?

I mean, any idiot would know the adults aren't supposed to be playing on the equipment. That's great. I don't know who would do that. A psychopath. Oh, there's the photo. Did you get the photo Chuck the Stamos? That's it There you go, oh, it's a mailman

Hey, come on in sir. Welcome. We were inclusive. We welcome all guests of any creed and color. Oh Good Okay, that was a scary guy of any creed and color. Oh, God. Yikes. Okay. That was a scary guy. Oh, he's a mailman. Yeah, mailman. They used to shoot people. End of the day.

Remember that? They shot people? Back in the day, you'd go postal. Oh, go postal, yeah, Berkowitz. I never understood that part of the, I mean, it's funny, in the Seinfeld, where he's like, "'Cause the mail never stops." Yeah.

He just comes in, but I'm like, isn't that every occupation? Ah. Pretty much every job, like firefighter, it's like, there keeps being more fires. But you It comes in. I'm like, isn't that every occupation? Pretty much every job like firefighter. It's like there keeps being more fires. But it just work like I get more homework. Yeah, I get it. Because as a fireman, you're off for like two weeks because there's no fires. Not in L.A. You're still you're still at work and whatever. Because a mailman like you to go home. Like most jobs continue or else there wouldn't be a job.

Right, yeah, that's a good point. I mean the podcast never stops every week. I need to do it right now or whatever. I mean, with any job you could rant that it never ends. That's true. I mean many are about to end. Yeah. Which is scary.

Oh God. But yeah, so mail never stops I guess. It does keep coming though, I get the piling. And then Mother's Day, Christmas, Rosh Hashanah, whatever that is. But you deliver the mail, the next day there's more mail. If you work in a... I can't even think of another joke. A warehouse. If you work at Amazon, the packages come or whatever.

If you work at the shoe factory, more materials came. We got to make more shoes. Yeah, I guess so. You kind of want more mail to come. Right. Or else you're out. You work in carpentry. Oh, to make more shoes. Yeah, I guess so you kind of want more mail to come right or else you're out You're working carpentry. Oh, there's more shingles Yeah, all right Just saying I get it. I get it. It's the best point I've ever made Right suck. It's my dad was a mailman. You know that I didn't know that. Yeah, he did it for a while He said it was a good gig. You're out this man's fascinating. He lived a. He lived. He's a lawyer, mailman. I never

heard of that. Well, he went to college, met my mom. They fucked in the ass. And the vagina. And the vagina. And the mouth, probably. Oh, Liz. I know. So then, their parents didn't like my dad, her parents. They're like, who's this fucking hippie? He had a mustache, he was smoking cigarettes. And he's like, fuck these queefs. And they drove, they got a VW bus and drove to San Fran. No kidding, I love San Francisco. I'm reading a whole book about San Francisco.

Yeah, so they lived as young hippie whippies, did acid and lived in San Francisco and fucked, and he became a mailman. Wow. To pay the bills. That's funny, he's acid, and lived in San Francisco, and fucked, and he became a mailman. Wow. To pay the bills. That's funny, he's like, he went to San Francisco, lived the hippie life of working a government job. Yeah, exactly. Wow, that's exciting.

Yeah, neither is. That's not easy with the hills. That's true. My God, the hills. The hills are alive with the sound of packages. So, yeah, he did that. He's lived, he did a lot. You didn't do a ton of jobs. I did a few. I did a bunch. I did security. I did loss prevention at Sears. I was a bartender at a cop bar as an 18 year old. That's a great gig. It was awesome. I mean, it was my first

window into police, not corruption, but like they were like, ah, have a shift drink. Have your shift drink. You fucking homo. And I was like, well, I'm 18. They're like, we don't give a shit. And I was like, I'm driving. And they're like, what towns you driving through? And I was like, Stoughton, Whitman and Brockton. They're like, you're good. Oh, wow. Okay, great. Yeah. They're just guys. It's like a priest in a, Oh, the priest fucked a kid. We all do. And then there was a cop that killed himself tragically horrible but then they had like the Irish wake there. I made like 300 bucks. It's the most money I've ever had in my life. It was insane. Every single cop in a fucking 30 town radius was there. I made so much goddamn

money. Wow. Awesome. What a gig. How'd you apply to that? How'd you go up to knock knock? You guys hire an 18 year old? Now my uncle was the captain of the fire department It was a cop and firefighter bar. So he got me the gig and then I worked at Filene's I was a fluffer folder at Filene's fluffer put that on the resume. That was one of my early jokes people say What do you? Look, what was the joke? No, I work at Filene's to support my comedy. I do comedy sport my Filene's career That was a joke, whatever. Fun. Fluff and fold. Anyways, I worked at Filene's. Then I worked at FYE, which was Record Town, the CD store. Oh, the CD store. I worked there for a while.

Four-year entertainment. Yeah, four-year entertainment. That's right. And then I did, when I was a boy, I was shoveling driveways for my uncle. He would plow the driveway. I would shovel the walkway. I see. These rich people in Milton, Massachusetts. That's a good gig. That plower, what do you call it? The shovel. That thing gets heavy. It was heavy as fuck and my back would be killing, but it was my uncle who paid me cash. That was beautiful. My uncle got me multiple jobs. My cousin got me another job. All my jobs were hookups from family. That's what it's all about.

And then what else? And I did some roofing work and then I did some plumbing work with my other uncle. I was like the, whatever you call it, the assistant asshole. I'd be like, get the wrench, give me the five quarters, give me the whatever. The gopher, the apprentice. Yes. Hot in the left, cold in the right, shit flows downhill, don't bite your nails. Those are the rules of plumbing. Because it had poo poo in it?

It had poo in there. Interesting. And if the shit burns, you go uphill. Huh? Well you don't want to be at the bottom of a hill, cause if the shit pipe bursts, it all rolls on your tits. Good to know. So yeah, I got a bunch of jobs.

I haven't had a job since I moved here though. Oh wow. I had my electricity turned off, and it was very, very, very poor. Yes. But, you know, I had some jobs. Yeah, I guess so, wow, you've worked. Probably forgetting one too.

Yeah, crazy to think, like, I used to work at a movie theater for 10 minutes. I think I worked there for a week, but it was such, it was an indie boutique movie theater, so nobody would come, so you would just be staring, pre-phone, you'd just be staring at the wall for eight hours. It's crazy, I know we talk about the phones all the time, but I was just up in Massachusetts with my family for a few days.

We did the Tom Dustin premiere, which I gotta talk about that. That was insane. Don't tell. Well, let's finish Tempe. I feel like we got stuck. How was the party, for God's sake? It was a great party. We did it up.

We finally made it with the Cum Guzlig Uber driver, and then we partied it up. And then we had lunch with Rick Glassman the next day, and then we did three shows. Killer. And how about this one? My opener brought a camera to film. He goes, can I leave this overnight? Stolen. Leave it overnight? At the club? Yeah. Now what do you do about that? And I go, what's going to happen with the camera? They're like, we'll check the CCTV, but we think it's the maintenance guy. I'm like, okay, now what?

He's like, we'll let you know. And I'm like, all right, good luck. I told the opener, I was like, stay on him, because this shit will fizzle out in a week and you'll never see that camera again. They didn't lock it in the green room or anything like that? Cleaning crew was the only one there. So it had to be them. out in a week and you'll never see that camera again. They didn't lock it in the green room or anything like that? Cleaning crew was the only one there,

so it had to be them. Wow, that sucks fucking ass. I know, and he's the opener, so he'd be like, any word on that camera, they're like, ah, we'll figure it out, and then they would close the door. Man, I'm appalled. I mean, I guess the lesson is bring your camera with you and leaving it in a place overnight,

but I would think it would be safe at a comedy club. I would think so too. I don't know. Chuck, you're the cameraman. What do you think? You're making faces over there. Would you leave your camera at the club? I usually have like a metal wire and I lock it to something if I leave it.

Like all my cases have like a little loop that I can do that with and keep it closed. Like a bike? Yeah, like a bike. Poor guy. Yeah, he's, you know, he's a broke young comic. Well, you could make it right. Well, the club should help him out. I mean, they're the ones who are responsible. That's true. Yeah. Well, that sucks. But the shows were killer, I imagine.

Killer shot. It's a great room. I think the biggest club in the country. Which club is this now? Stand Up Live. Oh, yeah. There's so many fucking clubs in that city. I know. Stand Up Live, we did that one together, right? No, we did Tempe Improv. Oh, okay, when did I do Stand Up Live?

Oh, Stand Up Live I did with Cell. Oh, there you go. It's like the green room's behind the stage. Yes, yes. It's a big, big room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Big room. I know I did it once, but I'm doing the Tempe Improv in March, I think. So if you're listening and you're out there, get your tickets.

And I think I said this last time, buy them early if you don't mind. I had a fucking heart attack last time. Oh, that's right. I had fucking six tickets sold two days out. Well, luckily the suns stink. So people, we had a suns game on Saturday and people came to us. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Fuck them. Fuck the suns, fuck the moon and fuck the stars. But after that- We're about to have suns. Oh, that's good. Yeah, fuck them. Fuck the suns. Fuck the moon and fuck the stars, but I have sons. Oh, that's right hopefully to Folks Tuesdays with stories is brought to you by better help I absolutely love better help, you know that I swear by therapy all I ever talk about is how much I love therapy Alan you the man You got to get into therapy guys. If you're not in therapy, you're doing life wrong. Okay? You have goals for 2025 but need a little

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So Ari's got his big gay special. Have you seen it? No. He's got all these plants on the stage, because he's got to be different. Try to guess what he spent on the plants. Pull up the photo, like a Google image of this stage. I hope he had some audience plants, because his act stinks. I don't know, I mean, plants... $20,000. All right, show him a photo when you can. 85K on shrubs, greenery, foliage, botany. On plants?

Well, he's really trying to undo the Jewish stereotype, isn't he? Oh, yeah. That's what they try to do, I think. A lot of these Jews, I used to hang out with Dan Hersh on my friend, my boy, one of the loves of my life. And we go to a restaurant, he'd tip like 30 percent. He's like, well, I don't want to be like, you know, I don't want people to think I'm an asshole.

I know it. And it's like when you go to a bar and your friend's the bartender, you end up losing money. Yes. Because you had tip seven thousand dollars. Look at that. I mean, look at the. Those are real. I know it. And it's like when you go to a bar and your friend's the bartender, you end up losing money. Yes! Because you had tipped $7,000. Look at that. I mean, look at the- Those are real?

Those are all real. That's like an elephant ear, roses, hibiscus. Oh, what a jackass. I mean, to the ceiling. Well, he's one of these guys, Ari's a fucking nice brown outfit, you fucking piece of shit.

He's, Ari's one of these guys, you fucking piece of shit. He's, ours are these guys, you're like having a conversation with them and he'll stop and literally start smelling flowers. Oh, he does do that. He does it, I'm like, this is so gay. And then he's like a guy who stops and smells flowers and he's like, I'm paying to have everybody equal money. And then he's like, I hung out with Tucker Carlson,

he rules, he's great. I'm like, you're the Tucker Carlson guy, but also the smell flowers, a socialist guy, get it together. What is it? Well then he lives in China for nine years. No, I love our, I gotta check it out, because I thought Jew is one of the best specials ever.

I would watch that thinking, ah, watch my buddy's special, I was blown away. I was too, because you see him bombing all day long in New York every time I see him like oh He's eating it the crowd hates him people are walking out But drawing swastikas on the wall, but then I watched he we had a premiere at the Creek So I said I'll go support. I went to the Creek They showed on the big screen how fun killing in the in the room and in the video and it was really good material. Wow, no, he's, Ari's, I mean I've said it before on the podcast, I mean he's underrated as a comedian.

He is great because people, I don't know, I think because he's a rabble rouser and he offends people and he's upset the Kobe, whatever, people talk like Ari's not one of the great comics and he is. Great comic and he's always working out and he'll do like we does a thing called new new stuff November or whatever he'll just do only unworked out material yeah I'm doing no phone Wednesday I borrow your phone I'm doing no hair Thursday that he's doing a no career Monday, but yeah, he's always up to something, but I'm always impressed with his work ethic and how ballsy he is. I'm going to do nothing that works and just figure it all out for a month.

Right. Well, I'm not excited to watch, but I'm going to watch. It's good. It's really good. I watched it. I hate watching comedy. Well, this is the thing too. Again, with having a baby, you have such limited time of what you can watch. So it's so hard to be like, I guess I'll sit down and watch my buddy. That's like I've been watching Goodfellas. I could be watching a ball game, a hockey game, a porn. Right. You got to watch this fucking hebe.

Yeah, but I will. It's I'm sure it's I can tell you now it's great without even seeing it. And that's too much money. Eighty five thousand dollars. My whole special costs about half that. I know. Right. I mean, that's too much money 85,000 dollars my whole special costs about half that I know right that's I mean that's insane so check it out America's Sweetheart on the on the Netflix can't wait but yeah so he was like I got my special coming out that he's moving to concentration camp or whatever he does you know where he goes off the grid for nine years oh yeah so

he's going off to Auschwitz and he's like so we got to do a protect our parks. I got to do 900 podcasts I got to edit I got a post I got a tweet So he set up a whole parks and we flew to Austin beautiful I'm about to do his pod with Nate by the way mean Nate and Louie cats are gonna do one with Louie Nate and I went to Istanbul years, right years and years ago travel pod. That's right So we're gonna do Ari Ari's Travel Pod, me, Louis Katz, Nate Barghatze, Ari Shafir. That's crazy. That's going to be fun. Do you see that photo of Nate, Theo, and Dave Smith hanging out doing a pod? I'm like, that is a wacky world's colliding. No, I haven't seen it. I feel like they all

aligned. I guess so, yeah. We got a Jew, a red state Catholic, and a guy with a mullet. The whole thing, yeah. So, no, I haven't heard it, but that sounds like a nice listen. Sure, I'll give it a shot. There's a lot of accents in that too. You got like a New York Jew, you got a twangy Louisiana and then you got Nate. I mean, I'll check it out. I'm on it. Yeah. Alright, so we go to Austin. So I do the whole, hey, Egan, Adam Egan, you fat queef. Man, do I love Adam Egan. Love Egan. I go, hey, we're coming in, lock stock and two smoking assholes. How do you feel about a 5 p.m. at the mothership on Sunday? And he goes, I already sold out. Wow. So is it the

four of you guys or it's just you? Just me. Oh nice. Cause these parks they take your whole world you know then you have to we're doing Protect Our Parks on Monday we did a five hour show you get blackout and then you got to do Kill Tony that night. Right. In a blackout. Right. So it's a long day and then the whole next day is ruined. You want to kill yourself. So you got to get that 5 p.m. in when you can. And now you got a kid two days away at this point. Yes. So, bless hurrah. Woo. So we did it up and...

Good up. Great up. We didn't drink as much. So we tried to keep it somewhat on the rails. And Shane had a running gag going the whole time and boy he is rich and famous you see him and you're like oh wow yeah this is crazy I haven't seen him in a long time I thought since the Netflix festival I think maybe after that I can't remember this same old G but just when you walk around with him it's it's like a it's like a beetle oh I bet. I assume he's going to the national championship. Notre Dame is in there.

Oh, he'll be there. I assume he'll be on the field. He'll be there. He's already talked about his. So we go to the mothership to do Keltoni. We get in the green room. It's Joe Burrow. What?

Yeah, he's hot. He is a handsome. Oh my god. Blonde, Aryan, cumstained. I wanted to eat him out. Yeah. Good looking dude, quiet, kind of head on a swivel. Well people are intimidated by comedians. I guess so. They're like this is crazy. I'm

in this way. It'd be like if you were in the locker room at the fucking Bengals game, you'd be like oh god. So he was hanging out by the bathroom of the mothership and I go you want to come in the green room? And he goes oh I'd love to. He was super uncomfortable and I was like alright and I walked in and I turned around he's not in the green room? And he goes, oh, I'd love to. He was super uncomfortable and I was like, all right. And I walked in and I turned around, he's not in there. And I went back out and he goes, I feel weird about it. Wow. I was like, you're crazy, you're like one of us.

No, I've had this, I've seen this, I've been around some people, they're always like, ah, I'm scared. Yeah. Because they think they're gonna walk in and be like, suck my dick, you fucking piece of shit. Pie in the face. What do you got in your shirt, whoop.

Yeah, handshake buzzer. Exactly, chattering teeth. Yeah, I gave him a couple dick taps, but he didn't care for it. But he had a couple other big giant men with him, so I assume they're the O-line or whatever the hell that is. Right.

And they were all hanging out. But by the way, I've said it before, I'll say it again. When I did the Burt Kreischer Arena in Vegas years ago for the Super Bowl, not Vegas say it again. When I did the Burt Kreischer Arena in Vegas years ago for the Super Bowl, not Vegas, Phoenix maybe. Where was that? That was in LA, wasn't it? No, no, the Rihanna one.

No, the Rams were in it, that's why I think I thought that. Philly was in it. No, it was the Chiefs. Oh, the Chiefs and the Eagles, was it that one? Yes. The Chiefs and the Eagles, that was one that ended with the penalty. Yes.

That was shitty penalty, weird thing. I think it was Phoenix. I have no idea. I never know the location of Super Bowl. Well, either way, we hung out with a couple players after the game and Burt's got all these young lady assistants. The way women are around giant athlete men, it's fucking fat.

It's like dudes at a strip club. They're like, oh my God, he's so fucking hot. My vagina's quivering. I could barely stand up, put club. They're like, oh my God, he's so fucking hot. My vagina's quivering. I could barely stand up, put a towel down. Oh, I can't even control. And they're like touching up like this, and the arms squeeze. And it's so cool to watch women get horny.

And the whole time you're like, oh, women like men. They just never like me. Yeah, exactly. We just suck. We just suck. We're dorks. We're twinks, and weak, and and not rich and they're like six five. I don't know about that last part there. Well back then. I see. Well that's the thing too is like

you just these women they act like I like you the way you are and I don't need all this but I'm like wait so if I just gained a hundred pounds of muscle and had shoulder and traps and six-packs you'd be bummed I know you're into Chuck settle for Chuck you want fucking you know Sidney Crosby or whatever who I don't know these are hockey players you know Christian McCaffrey or Joe Montana right kids just watching the show by the way you know people see a microphone and they get really excited. Well, I think it's the lights too. We are lit. Oh, yeah. People don't stand in front of a stage light. Oh, God. We got to get drapes. Oh, you need drapes, baby.

Oh, God. It's so embarrassing. Drape drink. I mean, you live here. I mean, it's literally for those at home. There are toddlers with helmets, no bikes bikes or scooters just helmeted toddlers probably afraid of getting shanked they're just sitting outside watching the show literally they can probably hear us actually I just realized we're yelling shank tank well we're on the bottom ground floor we gotta maybe bring this up a flight I wish we were on the ground floor it's a joke ground we're on the ground floor of like an invention, you know? Oh, I see, I see.

I don't know, it didn't really make sense. I'm a little tired. Well, yeah, yeah, so the ladies around these football players is bananas. Oh, this guy's coming in my house now. Chuck, you gotta go talk to this guy. Oh, this is my friend, I know who this is. That's your friend?

Yeah, he's a realtor, he found the house. Oh, he's blowing a kiss. Chuck, go talk to this guy. Go, go let him in and tell him we're busy. He's one of these guys who's going to want to hang out for like a half hour. So this is kind of nice that he can't do that. He's literally blowing a kiss. He's wearing a helmet also. He's riding around with his kids. So they live in the area. He found the house for us. Oh,

wow. We looked around for a year and he found this place. Oh, my God. He didn't tell us about the neighborhood. I'm mad at him, yeah. He must have come from that side, he went that way. Yeah, that, it's true, it's Yin and Yang. Is he European? Why is he black?

Oh, he's a goofball. Sorry, I got a pod to do. Just blew another kiss. Oh, I brought a gift. I'll send him a text. That's beautiful All right start opening it. No no let him leave Sorry, I'm busy. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. This guy would hang out here for one hour You can't get him to leave you need drapes. I mean he's pointing up to the sky. He's telling the whole lesson

They're still here. Oh Open it up. Come on. Well, Who knows what it's probably a onesie I get a lot of onesies. Could be nice. What feels onesie-ish because it's very light. He's watching He said I'll explain later explain later. Okay looks like a mat of some kind a play Looks like a play mat, but I think something goes in there Oh, maybe you put it on his head like a poncho Maybe you wear it The kid wears it the arms go out the oh, it's literally for his ass. It's yeah. I think you take a shit through that

Are you smelling it? Like shit, that's fun. That's good. All right. That's a good gift. Sure. I don't know. It's a kite Maybe little caray from France. Oh wow Francois maybe you put his ass through there. So he's European. That's why he's blowing kisses. His wife is French and He wants to be he's American that guy. Yeah. Oh, no kidding from like Philly. Oh, wow Very nice Justin time Give my give my head Bob. Thank you, thank you.

Oh he's saluting now. A lot of hand signals. He's very vocal guy so I think this is killing him that he can't talk. I'm sure he wants to come on the mic. Still there, still staring. Alright well he's a fan of yours. No. But he likes Chuck.

That's insane. Nobody likes Chuck. Oh's insane. Nobody likes Chuck. Oh, he's still watching. Really? Is it being piped out there? Doesn't it feel like a radio show when you go like sports radio and it's like at a mall? It does. It feels like we're at ESPN in Midtown. Yeah, this is not a show you want to pipe out

in this neighborhood particularly. No, with the kids too. I mean, my neighborhood, you can pump it out and everyone will be thumbs uping. That's true. But here, we'll get, you know, a quick throw through. know what's what's that I went to a diner last week the Pearl Diner which runs that it's right on Wall Street and thank you thank you. Georgia St. Coat. It's all Wall Street and I know I feel horrible he gave me a gift and I can't thank him but what are you gonna do we're. Well, he did pop in. He popped.

Maybe he's been texting you and you don't realize. I'm blowing up. Doesn't he know Mae? He must know Mae. Yeah, I think she's hiding. He's a lot. Hopefully he doesn't hear this. Sweet guy.

We go to Pearl Diner, which is on Wall Street in Pearl, and I go, hey, it's empty in there. It's like noon. I go, what's going on? It's noon. I thought there'd be a rush. She goes, neighborhoods changing, old Mexican lady. I was like, what do you mean? She's like, all the finance bros are remote.

And then we used to have a lot of families come by who lived in the area. The homeless are here now, so they don't want to come by. Wow. So it's kinda sad. That's happening everywhere. I also think Battery Park City, my neighborhood, shout out, there's Goldman Sachs is there, American Express, I think a lot of people work there now.

Because it's updated buildings. It's a newer neighborhood, so it's like Central AC, so all those buildings with the financial district, that is the financial district, those are kinda all old, crusty, whatever, but some of them became apartments now. That's true. Used to be businesses, like post 9-11,

so now if you have a billion dollar corporation, you want to be in the financial district, you're like, why don't we go over to the west side into a building that was built fucking six months ago? And now they're saying China and Russia bought up half the shit. Because they want to own America. Beat us or whatever.

Yeah, I don't know. Well, you live in an unbelievable house. Thank you. This place is just gorgeous. I'm enamored. I appreciate that. Look at this, the bricks and the thing. I mean, you need some drapes for sure.

We need some drapes. But this is just unbelievable. Thanks. We're in the basement. I know, we work really hard on it. There's a cellar below us and I put a bunch of weights in. Whites, weights, weights. I wouldn't keep whites. I'd let them flourish.

We need them out here. But you hate to see that. Oh, no. Oh, he probably thinks the baby's coming. Couple days. So when do they come? They're coming in a little later because her parents are coming first for a while and then my mom's like, I don't want to be there when they're there. So we'll come after. That's good though. Because that's what I was saying the other day too. People forget after like the first week everyone's like, oh my God. And then people forget they go

home and you're like, well now I'm fucked. Now I need some help. Right. So that's good. It's the first time you're happy to see your parents like, yeah, please come up. Otherwise, like, yeah, I'm still so so on it. Yeah. All right. All right. But anyway, so the shows were killer shows were killer. Oh, wait, this comes out in a while because Tony's always like, don't leak it that you guys are the guests. We like to surprise everybody.

Oh, yeah. It's going to come out the Monday after next. That's the same night. That's the night Kil Tony will come out. Oh, well, that would be kind of fun if it came out. Yeah, that's cool. That's great. All right. All right. Just just keep it on a tab on that, because I don't want to fuck him. Yeah. I feel like everybody knows when you guys go, you do kill Tony pretty much. Oh, yeah. Does Joe do it too with you guys?

Nah, he's too gay and popular right also it's it's a lot of people it's a lot of gum yeah that's the kill Tony awesome killer it was a great one I mean again if I wasn't shithoused it might be a little better I had the you know the drunk block where you see a guy I'm right next to a guy I'm two feet away from a young open mic retard, and I'm like, what does he look like? What's his name? Jeff, Jeff, Wef, Mef, Clef, Clef, Jeff Chin?

Is that something? You know, you're sitting there and I'm like, ah, I'm so drunk! Right, I mean, I have that not drunk also on that show, because everyone, you're trying to listen to the act. But also come up with funny things to say. And Tony goes for a little bit. Yeah. And so then like he makes the joke you were going to make. Yes. So you're like, damn, or this person makes that joke or the guy himself makes the joke. Right. This guy looks like a bag of shit on a Wednesday. And he's like,

I'm like a bag of shit on a Wednesday. Fuck. Okay. I guess he has that. And then by the time that person talks, this person comes to you and you're like, I'm like a bag of shit on a Wednesday. You're like, fuck, okay, I guess he has that. And then by the time that person talks, this person comes to you and you're like, I forget what I was going to say or the moment's passed. And you have to be like this, remember when he said that? Yes, exactly. And people are like, that was like a minute and a half ago. Or you come up with like, this guy looks exactly like the principal in Ferris Bueller. It's dead on. But they don't get that.

Yeah, they're like, who? They're like, what? And so you almost need your your video guy to throw the the guy up there just to get the joke. I've had a few moments like that. And sometimes, yeah, sometimes you just don't have anything. And then other times I had one on last Kill Tony that I was like, this is so good. But it was too me. I was like, this is unc good, but it was too mean. I was like, this is uncalled for meme.

Yeah, yeah. And I'll tell you the joke off air, I don't wanna, cause if I say it now, they'll still know and they'll get back to her, but it was a funny line and I kept weighing it. Oh, her, that's always worse. And I was like, this would kill and probably everyone would be like, oh my God, that's funny, but then you're like,

but now I'm just shitting on a woman's body. Who's just a nice person. I know, but then she also signed up and she knows what this is. Right. But yeah, it's you try to keep some principle. Cause that's the thing that's weird about the show too. Is that like normally like an open mic comic and some of them are just professional comics. By the way, did we talk about my episode? The guy that gave you the green hulks was on. No way. Yeah. He was like, I know Joe list weirdly. And I was like, Oh my God. And he's like, you called me a piece of shit on your podcast. And I was like, I don't even know who you are. And he's like, I gave Mark some street drugs that fucked him up. And I was like,

Oh yeah, you're a piece of shit. But he was very nice after it. He was like, I was just kidding. And he seems like a nice guy. He's a nice guy. Nice guy. Yeah, so. Handsome too. Oh, absolutely. So all's well that ends well.

But. Is that out yet? Yeah, I came out a couple weeks ago, I think. But so, or a month ago now, I guess. But that's the thing is like, normally if you just met an open mic, you would never be like, hey, your fucking knees are retarded.

Of course, of course. Like they're like trying their best. I know. And so it's a weird thing to just be like, hey, your fucking knees are retarded. Of course, of course. They're trying their best. I know. So it's a weird thing to just be like, I guess I'll just trash this guy who's nervous. Yeah, but that's the show. I know. It's very different.

It's a fine-lanyel. You've got to really needle the thread or whatever. Well, it's that thing of you roast the ones you love. I'm like, I don't even know this person. I know. And then they're gonna like blow up and be like, you called me a fucking homo in 1988 on Kill Tony. And you're like, I'm sorry, can I open for you?

Yeah, if you're doing Kill Tony, you're not blowing up. Good point. But it is, and there's definitely men, women stuff. As much as we like to say, men and women are the same, Leah Thomas, trans athlete, whatever it is. We had a fat guy up there and Tony of course goes, how much do you weigh? The guy goes, I don't know, 280?

And Tony's like, get the fuck out of here. He pushes a button, some hot broad brings a scale out. They've already prepared for this. They got buttons for fat people, you know? And they pushed the fat button and went, she brings the scale out and the guy stands on it. We all guessed the weight. And then we had a lady come out who was of similar stature.

And I go, we should, ah, it's a little different with a lady. And that's just how it goes. So like it is, we do have differences with the men, the women, like the crowd will tell you, that ain't cool. Right, yeah, you feel weird with the women and but if you kept hoping like maybe she'll say something me maybe she'll sing me I'll have this ready that would be great it's

like just a sweet nice person who's like I got jokes and they're funny and I'm a nice person yeah to be like this you're fat cut yeah sorry also you have that thing where I'm staring at this guy and I want to go, man, you got a lot of balls. You're sitting here with three headliner guys who are shit-faced. Tony, he'll cut you to the bone. There's a live crowd here who wants blood. You're coming out here and doing your dumb minute and just taking it.

That's part of me that's like, good for you, young buck. You got some guts to do this, because you know we're going to roast you, you know you're going to eat it, but you still came out here. Well, that's what I mean. That's what I'm saying. It feels horrible to just be like,

and here's how much I hate you. Right. And sometimes too, they'll come out and be like, I'm nervous to meet you. I'm such a big fan. I think you're the greatest. And I'm like, well, I think you're a fucking ugly piece of shit.

Bah! So I'm grateful for the show, but I'm like, man, I wish, I wish I, you're the greatest. And I'm like, well, I think you're a fucking ugly piece of shit. Bah! So I'm grateful for the show. But I'm like, man, I wish I, you know, whatever. One time I did it, and I was like, that's might be the worst set of comedy I've ever seen. The guy's like, the worst set? Oh. Come on.

I was like, ah, I don't know. Not really. And your job is trying to be funny, but still bad. Yeah, you are bad, but maybe not the worst. Yeah, that's a tough one. But it's a fun show. I mean, what a show he's created. These guys really, I mean, I've talked about before,

him and Adam Ray are just like making TV shows. Completely. We're down here being like, I'd eat my dad's come, would you? I know, with a bystander, a sidewalk audience. But yeah, the show's huge. People have like fantasy football, but for Kill Tony. You know, they've got regulars. They have spreadsheets going of like, who's been on the most, what guess is the most views, who kills the hardest,

oh he repeated a joke four times, they can clink back to the old one, it's pretty incredible. I think Lewis is the most frequented panel guest. Gomez? Yeah, isn't that crazy? No. That's what Tony said. Wow, well they gotta step it up. I mean I've done it twice him. So yeah, maybe I did it once with him. There you go. Well, that's fine. I can't wait to see all of it. Yeah, hell yeah. And the Ari special and checking it all

out. We got a lot of Austin stuff. Let me just rip through this real quick. Sorry, I hugged. Oh, that's all right. All good. We're having fun. We had a visitor. So I was up back up in Boston for the Boston premiere of the Tom Dustin portrait of a comedian. And I'm telling you, this thing is a runaway smash hit. Everybody loves this movie. People go crazy for it. John Rosinski. I gotta give a shout out. You know, John. Oh, he's cute.

He is a great guy and fucking hilarious, by the way. Very funny. And the ladies love him. A sweet man and yeah, handsome. He's one of those guys. I didn't realize how handsome he was until my wife was telling me. She's like, Oh yeah, he's a smoke show. Yeah. Relax. I know. But she was telling me about it too. We watched the, we did the VU. He's killing me. He's fucking so funny. I was like rolling on the floor laughing and then he's like, Oh man, I know Tom Dustin. I met him. I did key West. And I said, well, I'd love to send you the film because I'm going to want people to talk about how great it is when it comes out. And he said, send know Tom Dustin. I met him. I did Key West. And I said, I'd love to send you the film because I'm going to want people to talk

about how great it is when it comes out. And he said, send it to me. He wrote me an email. I'll send it to you. You'll cry. I can't wait. It's this long. It's the most beautiful and articulate thing I've ever heard. He's some of the movie better than anybody else. And you're reading it being like, we did do that. Yeah. I mean, he's like, it's the, I can't even like pretend to repeat it because he's so smart and thoughtful. I mean, he's like, I can't even like pretend to repeat it because he's so smart and thoughtful. I'd love to read this puppy.

I'll send it right over, but it made me think like, boy, we really got something here. Yeah, you do. I mean, Doug Key was on the floor. Oh, Doug was very sweet and kind, great body. And so we did the thing in Summerville, Massachusetts, which used to be referred to as Slummerville, but now it's nice.

It's like on the upends, so come up, whatever the fuck you say. We do it there. Crystal ballroom in Somerville. And this one, Tom is petrified because now we've done it in the movie three times, but now his parents are coming. Oh boy. Both his sisters are there. Their husbands are there. His niece is there. Who's a baby. Last time I saw her. Now she's 35 years old or some shit. Gross. Our friend from, his friend from high school, I haven't seen in 20 years,

my entire family came to see it again, because they watched it in Key West, and so it's, and then every Boston comic is there. Tony V's hosting the Q&A, he's a legend, and then all the comics I came up with are there, and comics that came after, and just I've known for years. It was just an unbelievable thing. Mike Whitman, Jim Whitman, Alvin David, Dan Bulger,

Tom Dustin, Dave Thompson, this whole cast of characters. And so you're like, this is very exciting. The movie kills. The best screen we've had, 300 people. Wow. And fucking everyone's howling, laughing, crying. His dad was like guffaw. Remember the scene where they talk about how his dad got beat with a crowbar?

Yes. Everyone's silent and crying. It's like this beautiful moment. And his dad's like, Oh, he's like Max Cady. He's like, that's so, I wasn't beat with a crowbar. His mother was crying. She gave me a long hug after tearful hug.

It was just beautiful and you're really sitting you're like I met that guy 25 years ago I've known this guy for 23 years ago we used to all be at the Everett House of Comedy yes we all did open mics together we all came back we all have gray hair and white beards and fucking bald and no boners wow it was beautiful Tom was touched he was great. The Q&A killed. Tony V was so nice.

All these beautiful messages. So we're getting a run in the theaters. Hell yeah. Email the theater near you. Email me if you want to see it. It's going to stream after that, but we're going to try to do well in the theaters. Yeah, I love that. I mean, I think if people can get their paws on this

thing, it'll pop. I think it'll pop because... You just got to get people to see it because that's the hard part. There's so much content out there. It's hard to get that in front of them. Well, I think everybody that... What helps is everybody that sees it goes, this movie is so touching. It's so good to make me think about my life and my friendships. It's one of those films that gets to your bones. It does. It hits the heart, jizz, right here. It pulls on it. Hearts and Bones, great Paul Simon song. And real quick, that was awesome.

So shout out to everyone that came out, all the Tuesdays, all the family, all the friends. And then I took my nephew for Christmas to the Providence College basketball game. They played Butler University. Last year we went to the game. It was great. But this year they both kind of are mediocre.

So it was kind of nice. It was when school was out of session, which is a nice time to go to a basketball game, strangely, because it was kind of quiet. Yeah. So we had a little space. We're there, watching the game. We're catching up.

He's opening up. I'm opening up. Our assholes are open. Our tears are crying. Watching the game. And then they go, here comes the t-shirt cannon. Oh, here we go. And they got the Gatling gun

yeah the revolver yeah it's something else and I go I'm getting a t-shirt which I've said every time I've never gotten a t-shirt the one time of the New York Islanders I did I gave it to a kid because I don't give a fuck about the Islanders and he's a kid so he comes out with the Gatling gun it goes over our heads below down there we got fuck Gatling gun. It goes over our heads below down there. We got a Gatling gun turns around goes that way. We're watching it over there. Now they're shooting over there. I'm like, fuck, I want to get a t-shirt. My father's gay. All of a sudden, like a like, like ET riding the bike across the moon. Here comes the fucking t-shirt. Baby right here. We both catch it. We're doing the thing with like we realize it's awesome

Yeah, oh my god. We caught the t-shirt a butterfly landed on his head. I came I'm gay yes got the t-shirt angel got its wings and that was exciting never caught the t-shirt We got the t-shirt that's huge then not five minutes later, they come on the big screen, it's a little screen, it's Providence, they go, folks, the lucky section of the night, section 107, it's our section! I go, we're the lucky section! This is crazy!

What the hell? The guy in front of me is like, you guys are having quite a night. They come over, they hand out cards for raising canes. You know this, bro? Oh, sure, the chicken joint. Well, it's a free buy one, get one, And it's participating Rhode Island. It's like in Rhode Island God so we can't get the food but we're excited cuz like we won the shirt the shirts a piece of shit, by the way

It's a double XL. It just has a bank logo. Whatever the America or whatever the fuck that'll fit check. It stinks and Tightly, so we get the free shirt the free food now at Providence College They run it they do a gag and this is fun and tightly. So we get the free shirt, the free food. Now at Providence college, they run it. They do a gag and this is fun. If the opposing team in the second half misses back to back free throws, you get a free Chick-fil-A sandwich. Jeez. What is this? A chicken shack? What's going on? This is a coop. So there and the game is well, we'll wrap it up. All right, Chuck's giving us the hand signal, but the game is fun, but it's, you know, both teams are kind of middle of the road. It's kind of whatever game. The student section is not there, so it's not

rocking, but we're having a great time. Because he's my Butler. The guy goes to university. So the guy shoots the first free throw and he's a big center. He looks like he stinks. We're like, we're getting the free chicken sandwich. Here we go. He might eat it. This is it. So the first free throw, he needs to miss the first one to have a chance. So he misses it, bricks it, and the whole crowd comes to life. The whole game everyone's been like, oh great, we scored. Okay. And I hope

we win. Now this poor 18 year old boy has missed a free throw. I mean, the crowd lights up because everyone wants a free chick flake. He wants the chicken. Ironically, he didn't make a bucket. So now count it. So now there's seven thousand people going, fuck you, and everyone was high. Oh, that would have been great, we could have got all the free chicken. So it ended up being a fun, sweet night, and the Providence won by 20 points, so it was a great night. And we, we, we, we, all the way home. Hell yeah.

Good Christmas gift for the old nephew. My niece, I got a gift card. Why did you get the canes for the ride home? Well, the problem is the game started at 830, which I don't understand why. So it didn't end till like 11 o'clock. And then Rhode Island around Providence is a little fucking shady. Yeah, this is, you know. Well, it used to be Mob Run and I think they flew the coop.

Exactly. Chicken coop. So I was like, and then I think Raising Cades is probably closed. You gotta do it in the next two days. We ate at the game. So you're just like, ah, let's get out of here. All right, all right. But hey, fun night. You got a giant t-shirt. Giant t-shirt.

And a coupon. It was a lot of fun. So great job. Providence Friars, we love you. Is it the Friars? The Friars, yeah, they're like priests. Oh, is that why they have chicken? Chicken fryer. All it the friars? The friars? Yeah, they're like priests. Oh, is that why they have chicken? Chicken fryer.

Yeah, all right, fryer tuck. But who is fryer tuck? What is a fryer? I don't really get it. Who's the first tranny? They wear a hood? Hood, clan, Burning crosses. I don't know. Maybe they're a monk or a priest. I think it's priestie. It's like a chaplain. What the fuck's a chaplain? My uncle's a chaplain. What? I think it's priesty. It's like a chaplain. What the fuck's a chaplain? My uncle's a chaplain. What? I think they go into the Air Force.

I think they just go, hey, you're going to be fine. Charlie Chaplin. He's an Air Force chaplain. Huh? Yeah, well, we're tired now. And then there's Cardinal St. Louis. Cardinal Spellman. Cardinal Cushing.

Ah. I don't know what Cardinal that's a guy. It's a religious guy. Yeah. Yeah. There's a couple of those pastor. What's every the priest and a pastor and then there's a reverend and as a reverend and a minister and we're a reverend minister of defense ministry. All right. We're going to wrap it up. God's sake. You have a kid. I don't know when this comes out. What's this come out? May the third, 27th, fourth of July. Okay. February 7th. I think it is Montreal. I added a show late show. Hopefully that is probably going to sell out to this weekend. Houston. I will be at a secret group, Houston

Friday and Saturday. Come out to to that one of my favorite cities It's like a home away from home Wednesday. I'm back at sesh. I got a great show Good lineup Dan Soder. Whoa, Maddie wiener run on Hirshberg. Oh and possibly some special guests Well, we ready to get out of the house. I'm sure What the fuck else Key West with one LouisK, February 20th to the 22nd. Fun. Valentine's Day night, Sarah and I are doing comedy dojo. I got my sister coming down to watch the baby. Back at Grove 34, February 17th. And then Tempe Improv, that's a big one. And of course, Wilbur Theater, Boston, April 19th.

April 10th through 12, Minneapolis. And Punch Up Live. Go sign up for my email list. That's the best way to find out, because everywhere we go, people go, when are you coming to Minneapolis? And I'm like, I was there yesterday, you fuckhead. Right. So sign up for that email list. I know it feels old and silly from the,

oh, are you from the 80s? No. Get the email list. Punch Up. And we won't spam you. I did it, I posted a bunch of dates today. A lady goes, when are you coming to Phoenix? And I was like, man, I was literally there 10 minutes ago.

What's it doing? All right. I got limited road dates because of the Rugrat Toddler infant offspring spawn. So come see me at the Ryman, Asheville. I just posted new dates for the future. I'm talking summer, August, July, all that shit. But I'm going to do some gigs with Gillis. I think he's doing these arenas. I need to keep the bills paid. So I'll do a couple of those. Just pop in, pop out one night. I'm doing Minneapolis and a few

other ones. So say hello, come on out, get on the Patreon, queef it up, get yourself on a double XL. What do you got? C-note. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, with comedian Ray Harrington and improv guy Brad Rohr. We just put out an episode where I went to the Stay Fresh Design Summit to film at Dinosaur Barbecue in Syracuse. Oh, I've been there.

That's their fucking capital. It was awesome, made a lot of friends. And also, we just told the story about Brad and I were just racially profiled. Oh. And both called the N-word for the second time for me. Wait a minute. I was called the N-word twice on the street.

It's a bad profile. I don't know. It was at night. I don't know if it's because of Portuguese. I don't know what's going on. But we tell the whole story. It was really scary. No kidding. Wow. I'm excited to hear that bad stuff. Fun Bearable Pod dot com. All right. Thanks, N-word.

And yeah, Patreon. Oh, thing. And I think we probably would have already done that. Oh, yeah. Well, appreciate the cookies. Yeah, we'll see you guys. Yeah, Patreon, do the thing, and I think we probably would have already done that. Oh yeah, we'll appreciate the cookies. Yeah, we got some cookies on Blowjob Machine. That sounds like a great night. Yeah, that's my wish list, or whatever you call it. Make a wish. Make a wish.

All right, time to say goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. Up in the heavens where legends cry Homelessly watching the music die