Tuesdays with Stories! - #590 Octojew

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

Alright it's here, ladies and gentlemen - the story of Baby Normand being born!! Also, Mark's car gets broken into and it turned into a hobo nest, and Joe has a pornographic experience where his disturbing preferences are exposed. Congratulations, it's a Tuesdays!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app and using code TUESDAYS. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. - Support the show and sign up for your one-dollar-per-month Shopify trial period. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and try your first month of BlueChew for free. Visit https://www.bluechew.com  - Get 15% off your Autoblow order with the code STORIES15 at https://www.autoblow.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't just... Alright, here we go. Here we go! Here we go, N-word. We're back. Here we are. How come we don't clap? Some people clap. Yeah. How come we don't clap? I have clap. How come we don't clap?

Is that why our sound doesn't work? You don't need that clap. The clap is fake. People love the clap. The big budget box blockbusters do the clap. You sync the spike. No, no. The spike sync. The budget blockbuster, that thing. Well, that's for editing. That's for timecode. We wouldn't use timecode here.

That's like a legit electronic device. We might need timecode if we got to edit something. But if someone goes like... We edit a lot. Now, we're back. Somebody fucked us on the last one. I don't know what happened. Chuck had a thumb up his ass, a dick up his ass. Yeah, we're way out. No one knows the difference. Three episodes ago, four episodes ago. No, it's only two episodes ago.

I've got two kids. I mean, it's been a while. Two episodes ago. Believe me, it lingers. They know. You just don't want to get shit. That's why. Everyone forgot. He put the fucking trophy. What's that trophy for over there? That one? Yeah. No, the fucking the other two trophies. Oh, there are two more trophies. You're right. Yes. That one. I don't know. Let me look. Can you reopen? Just because the time code stuff was like all off mic. There are two more trophies, you're right. Yes, that one. I don't know. Let me look. Hold on. I'll read. Can you reopen? Just because the time code stuff was all off mic. You didn't have your microphone on.

You weren't holding your microphone. So we need to clap. We should have clapped. No clap. Big clap. I'll leave it in. All right. That's fun.

I think it's fun. All right. That's a roast battle I won. I think that the Grammys. Oh, it's a podium. I see. Yeah. How fun.

It was a trophy? Remember that with the Nebraska. Omaha. Oh, it's a podium, I see. Yeah. Oh, fun, it was a trophy? That was, remember that with the Nebraska. Omaha, somewhere in middle America. Yeah, I met Fred Willard that night. That's right. That was my consolation prize. You got the photo and then he died. I think I finished in dead last. I don't know what happened there.

No, Uts was dead last. Oh, that's right, and now he's just dead. Utsy, we missed you, we love you. Yeah. At last. Good guy, good guy. Yeah, that was a wild weekend. I was trying to hook up with Miss Nebraska in 1941.

Oh, that's right. She was 85 years old but cute. You went for it. Yeah. Her husband did the whole, he walked out as I was talking to her and did the whole like, can I help you? I said, beat it, old timer. I'm trying to struck gold here.

You say, yeah, you can help me. How'd you get into this broad's pants? This old bag won't let me in. Oh yeah. I'm trying to struck gold here. You say, yeah, you can help me. How'd you get into this broad's pants? This old bag won't let me in. Oh, yeah. I think I need a little Metabucil or something. But couldn't get in there, but I gave it a valiant effort. The college try.

What does that mean, college try? That's just fucking, where did that come from? What's the original college try? Yes. You say it in the graduate, I think. Give it a go. Maybe that's where it came from. The college try, is that just a rape reference?

Oh, that would make sense. You get a girl to your dorm and you give it a shot. Yeah. What about the community college try? Is that what you try a little less? Yeah, I think you can just, you know, you don't have to read. Right. You're ethnic. Who knows? Community college doesn't seem that bad. I don't understand exactly. Isn't it all just knowledge? Exactly, the problem is you're in there. I went to community college for a couple of years

and you're in there with a couple of wackadoodles. It's like prison. Wait, how many schools did you go to? Every time we mentioned a school, you went there. You went to Tulane, Utah. No, no. Wait, you went to LSU, LSU, New York Film Academy, some community college.

I went to Morehouse, so I was the only white guy. Catholic school and then public school. You went to a lot of schools. I'll give you the rundown. UNO. UNO. University of New Orleans. Thank you. Kicked out in one semester, just flat out F. You're out. College try. Then got the grades up because I want to go to LSU. So

all my friends were at LSU. So I said, sorry, where'd you get the grades up? If you were kicked out Baton Rouge community. So Baton Rouge community. Then you get the grades there. You're like Rudy. I got the grades up. I worked on it. I read, I drew some pictures. We got the grades up. Drew Montana. Yeah. And Drew Brees and learned how to add, you know, the basics. Then went to Southeastern. Southeastern? Which is a B-C-D-E-F-G school in Houma. Oh. Also there's a tech school in Massachusetts, high school. school. And then I quit, went to New York to go to film school. That ended. Well, that was like a four week program or whatever.

Yeah, I think it was six weeks. And then my parents said, well, now you're just back home with nothing. Your movie sucked. You got eight colleges under your belt with no degree. You have to finish. So I got a degree online. Oh. Yeah. Wait, where was LSU? I never got in. I, you have to finish. So I got a degree online. Oh.

Yeah. Wait, where was LSU? I never got in. I thought you went to LSU. Nah, I just say that because I lived in Baton Rouge for years, but I lived in a house with five guys and we played beer pong and fucked each other. I thought you said you went there for a minute.

I tell people that just, it's like, say, ah, I live in Boston, but you're Whitman. Uh-huh. But I guess I shouldn't say that because I didn't get in. Right. Oh, damn. All right. So it's like saying I fucked Miss Nebraska,

but I never got in. Right. You came close. College Try, Chuckles? Says a wild and desperate attempt to make a play is how they define it here. But the origin. And it says, well, as I'm saying,

sometimes the term carries a hint of showboating. Babe Ruth defined giving it the old College Try as this, in a column, and this is the first reference to it that they could find in 1920s. Is the babe. Yeah, the babe. The great Bambino, he was a hell of a guy. Babe Ruth, ate steaks a day,

he drank two pints of scotch, he was an animal, this guy. Had really just hit it right out of the park, in part black, they suspect. Oh, that makes suspect. Oh, well, you know, Herman, he had big nostrils. Good athlete. Hit his wife. There's old rumors that his mother went to the other side and came back and went, oh, I never saw that. Well, you know, doesn't like that as old Jackie Robb. Ah, what? Got it from the baseball. I had to follow the baseball train. Okay. When a player does something that a professional player

in the big leagues might not ordinarily attempt. Oh, it's the college try. Someone in the college field would do it. Oh, cause they try harder. If you're a girl with an aluminum bat, that's the college try. I see. I think they do a weirder, wilder attempt.

Oh, wow, okay. I'm gonna do my best, even though this looks like it's not gonna work I thought college try was specifically sexual Really well, I always hear it in reference to like a girl. Oh, yeah I gave it a college try but right if she was a lesbian Yeah, I thought it was like I tried to fix my own toilet gave her the old college try, but I had to call a plumber Oh, okay. I guess I'm just in sexual circles more, you know, I'm sure and I'm thinking dick fuck Circle that's a oaky cookie or a

Rubbing tug I would love to eat some come on a cookie. I just think that's fun. We're after 60 seconds or whatever Come cookie come on a cookie speaking of cookies, we just had a couple of- Antoine. Antoine's, which by the way- Thank you. This guy's supposed to be the biggest fan ever. He's like, I got to ship some from my store in Palo Alto. I'm like, I'm in Palo Alto right now.

And he's like, I didn't know that. Never heard of you. I'm gonna punch up live. Yeah. I was gonna go by the store, but then I wouldn't have to talk to him. Yeah, it's a lot of talking. Hey, thanks for the cookies.

How you doing? The dough, what do you put sugar in there? Right, right. I don't want to talk to anybody. No, what's up with Oreo? Then you got pistachio then you got the Spaghetti Oh sugar cookie and yeah, so that's the thing with thank you Antoine's by the way Yes, great cookie and he sent some to my house. I appreciate it And honestly, I just got fucking caught up in shit I would I was gonna come by and then I went to the gym and then I had a class and I had a call Yeah, no calls these people are like hey, we got a jump on the phone Email me you fucking queef and I know I know I had to do that with Bjorn today remember Bjorn Bjorn Wentland

Yes, what the hell was that? He's doing my whole Europe tour. He does all the routing. Oh, yeah, but it's like he goes Let's hop on the phone, we can knock it out. And then you end up chat, chit chatting and catching up. And I'm like, the email was the move. Right. The catch up. I love Bjorn. Shout out Bjorn, who was both of our, man. I mean, we are linked together because of Bjorn. He put us together. That's right. Wow. This is my young client. He's, he's gay as the day is long. He loves Seinfeld's weird ears, funny guy. He's gonna drive you.

You're gonna drive him to Boston. I said, all right, jump on, you piece of shit. We started talking race and politics and Seinfeld. We kissed on the lips and we haven't been like this ever since. Yes, we did a looky cookie. It was a great time. We catch up or mustard.

Oh, it all to Bjorn. Oh yeah, so yeah, phone calls gay, but I know what you mean. And it's the travel too. You know, you're out in Palo Alto and he goes, come by! And you go, well, it's going to take me 20 minutes to get there. Then we chit chat for 20. Then that's another 20. That's an hour! Plus, I'm trying to be fit as a drum and healthy and productive. And you give me a box of Antons, I'm gonna eat 48 cookies. I'm giving them out to homeless people,

kids on the street, pedophiles, whoever would take a cookie, I'll give them one. Well, plenty to find in this fucking neighborhood. My God. That's, I think it's looking up. Hey, you never told the story about what happened to your car, by the way. I didn't?

No. Oh, I'll send you some photos there choo-choo yeah cuz that was we had the whole conversation about is this a good neighborhood a bad neighborhood everyone cast me as the villain I'm this bad asshole piece of shit bad hombre you text me ten minutes later there's a hole in your car yeah yeah well let me let me let me paint the full pic please we got time so I get this garage over here and you and I used to have a garage in the village, which is nine billion dollars a month.

Sure. So I go, hey, I'm moving to Brooklyn. Everything's way cheaper. So I got a nice cheap spot here, P2. P2? Park floor two. Oh, that was the sequel to P. I brought it down, and I brought it down.

I said, it'll be safe down here. I come back, go in and get a nice gig in Jersey, beautiful 45 minute drive. Let me get the old Beamer. I go down there, boot! The boot. The boot is on the wheel. Well the boot you told us about.

Okay. We gave us the boot. All right, so boot. I get an email from the garage czar, and he goes, hey, hey, you got a boot? And I go, yeah, what the hell? I got paid the monthly. He goes, oh shit, shit I didn't know I thought you were like trying to steal or store your car here for free piece of shit so they took the boot off

all right we're back boot is off you're back now it's Christmas time I'm going down to bean town and meet the in-laws up to bean town up to bean town get the car glass everywhere side passenger side the, passenger side, the shotgun, glass. This is a 51 year old car. That shit is a bitch to replace. That shit is custom order. You gotta find it in Turkey, whatever it is. So I go, what the hell?

Call the cops, cops show up. They go, the garage, you gotta pay for this. This is all garage. And I go, great. I go up to the garage office. They go, oh, we're not paying for this, that's not what we do here. And I go, come on! Park at your own risk, probably.

You probably signed a bunch of paperwork and said, fuck you, if your kid gets fucked in the back of the trunk, that's not on us. Yeah, that sounds like a good time. But I will sign anything. You give me a piece of paper, I'll sign it. 100%. I sign everything and I never check my funds. Those are the two things I do.

Yes! Same, same! Send me a paper, I'll sign it. I could say, I get all your funds. I'll sign it and I never check my funds. Those are the two things I do. Yes, same, same. Send me a paper, I'll sign it. It could say, I get all your funds. I'll sign it and I won't even check. I think I have signed that with Russell Altman. But yeah, I had a guy come here once and he goes, we're signing a petition to get rid of Trump. And I go, oh yeah, whatever. And I go back inside. Then two days later, hey, we're signing a petition to get rid of Kamel. I go, oh yeah, you got it. I signed them both. So I'll sign anything. Sure, why not? Well, it makes you got it. I sign them both. So I'll sign anything. Sure, why not? Well, it makes them feel good.

Yeah. I do that with people, whatever you say, with the sides, the picket people, I honk for anybody. Right. If I go by a bunch of Trump people, I go, all right. Yeah. Because it gives them the, okay, we got a guy. Even the shittiest politician,

well, I already mentioned him, but the shittiest person on earth. I go alright It's free to honk. Yes, and they go. Oh, we got one Well the problem now is that the guy came to my door with the sign thing and he goes also We're taking donations and I go ah well I did this one I'm in my pajamas here. He goes well. We do Venmo. That's a new move! The Venmo rub. Right. And they have the tap. Some people have the tap. Oh, I hate the tap. We got a tap, a square, and you're like, why? I don't have anything ever.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have anything. Tap that ass. I lost my wallet. I'm green. I'm off the grid. So I just ended up doing one of these. I had two ones. I gave it to them. I said, get the hell out of here. That's better because the Venmo, they're going to want more. Ah, you're right. Cash, no trail. Cash is king. So, uh, cash is clay. So, get down there. Now here's the worst part about the glass breaking. Car was unlocked! Oh! The car was unlocked! They never gave it one of these. He-he-he-he. They just went right for the glass. Was there anything

in the car of value? Well, here's the problem.. Turns out I look in the car, it's full of Snickers bars and candy and cigarettes and weed everywhere. So I think they checked the cameras and they found that a hobo was just trying to get warm. So he just sat in the car and did one of these in the middle of the winter and ate a bunch of Snickers bars and smoked cigarettes. But here's the problem. That's one thing. But he was thrashing around in there because the blinker knob is broken, the rear view came off.

So I think he was trying to get comfortable. He did one of those like John Candy in Plains Trains. They urinate in there. Yes, exactly. I think he might have. Well, I'm telling you, you've got to sell this house. I mean, you had a good run here. It was nice. We got four or five episodes out of it.

The baby was here, so it will always be in your heart. But this place, you've got to, you know, just, oh god, thumbs up. It's a UPS guy, or so he says. It's like Ray Finkel. Chuck, you might have to go grab that. Sorry. Not Ray Finkel, Ace Ventura. Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkel.

This guy's going to hand you some stuff through the door if you don't mind. Just right down there. Go sign for it. I'll sign anything. I love that Chuck just works here now. Sorry. Well, we can't leave the post. I know, of course.

This thing will go straight to hell if we leave. Hey there, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. If you're running an online store, you want the number one checkout on the planet, nobody does selling better than Shopify. They even have ShopPay, which boosts conversions up to 50%.

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Yeah. Yeah. So the baby comes and I get a, I got my car guy, the guy who put the whole car together, the guy who does all my work on the car. He's a Philly guy and he goes, how's the car going by the way? And I go, well, it's funny you ask. Cause I tried all the yellow pages. I tried every, no one could fix the car.

Because it's a classic, it's an antique. So he goes, oh, this is horrible, thank you. He goes, you're gonna have to put it on a wrecker and send it to my shop. A wrecker? Flatbed. Oh. Flat earth.

So I go, all right, how much is that gonna cost? He goes, about 900 bucks. And he goes, but I found the glass. The glass ain't cheap. And then we got to install it. So the whole thing is just running me thousands of dollars to put the glass back on because some cum guzzler wouldn't hit the goddamn door handle. But maybe he was just trying to send a message. He was just trying to do damage. I guess he could have broken all the windows. Maybe he was just like, hey, fuck you, you piece of shit. Yeah, maybe maybe he was saying, Hey, this ain't your neighborhood motherfucker.

Maybe maybe but I think my theory is he he went my car because it's so old. There's probably no alarm. That makes sense. And the glass is much easier to break. You think old glass? That's what makes the glass so hard to replace. Right now I feel I mean, I guess you break glass San Francisco all day, the glass so hard to replace. Right. Now I feel I mean I guess you break glass San Francisco all day the glass is broken but I feel like these new cars it's like a thicker better glass. Oh yeah. Things improve so you gotta really fuck or you need that thing that goes like yes. The no country. Yes. Walking on broken glass.

I always hated that song. I never got it. Sucks going, boom, boom, boom, boom, ah, it sucks. Why are you walking on the road? What, do you die hard? Get, get, get out of there. Well, I guess, you know, it's a metaphor. Ah. It's like eggshells. I see.

Eggshells, you just crush right through. I don't get it. Yeah. It wouldn't be pleasant, but I mean. Well, I think they're saying they crush easily, so you got to go soft. Right. Oh, I see. I thought it was like, I walk, egg shells and if I, it hurts.

No, no, that's fun. So it's a noise thing. You ever do the egg run? Egg run, I don't think so. That's where you have an abortion in Oklahoma? Oh, yeah, the egg spoon thing. Yes! Yeah, I did that.

There's that, and then there's the egg break challenge. What's that? That's where you put an egg and you have to build a contraption that's so soft and cushiony that they can throw the egg off a roof and it won't break. Oh Interesting. Okay. Yeah, it's good times Cub Scout days, you know. Yeah I didn't partake in the Cub Scouts. Oh boy, the diddling was out of control. I bet. All right Well, let's why don't we just give the people what they came to hear. They've been waiting for six months to hear this.

I mean, give the goods to the people. This is what they want. Yeah. Give it to them. I got spit up right here. I got semen over here. I got blood here. I got sweat here.

I got tears here. It's been a whirlwind. Well, this is the thing now. You have a baby. You have dirty pants on 100% of the time. You got that right, Fattie. There's a skid mark in here that would stop traffic. The problem is, you know, we live in a nice place.

And everywhere I go, I'm flying first class, because I get upgraded. Battery parks, I go to Equinox. I go here. I go there. You're elitist. You're bougie. I'm covered in sauce, cum, jizz, I mean,

it's just immediately, I look like a fucking dickface because everyone's all souped up and scoopy. Quaffed and clean and shiny. I've never been quaffed, cleaned or shiny. You've been queefed. But I'm covered in shit, these pants I just put on, there's still a little bit of a smear. Right.

These are as fresh as it gets, but the kid, he drops all the food, he spills all the shit these pants I just put on there's still a little bit of a smear right these are as fresh as it gets but the kid he drops all the food he spills all the shit you come in your own pants perhaps mere you look pretty nice considering thank you thank you these were a gift but yeah I've been wearing these for six weeks of course so hit me with it well it's been it's been it's so crazy that we we bang I think I know the exact bang that did it by the way of course you ever have that fun yeah it's a hotel in Lafayette the It's so crazy that we bang. I think I know the exact bang that did it, by the way. Of course. You ever have that?

Yeah. It was a hotel in Lafayette, the double tree, the gig. Oh, that's not so nice of a double tree either. Not a great double, but we had a double header in there, and we really fucked each other hard. I went, I bet that did it. Yeah, that's a nice feeling. All the ones that we did naturally died on the vine, so I just have those memories. Well still you got laid, but I can point to them. Yeah. There you go point away

Yeah pointer sisters. So Just crazy that nine months went by, you know, she's waddling. She's jizzing She's queefing and then BAM now we're in the delivery room BAM now We're in the hospital BAM now We're back at home and I'm putting a stroller together. And it all passes. And then we'll do this on our deathbed. Yes.

Your son will be 12 years old. You're on your deathbed. And then you just go, all right, well, that was fun. See you later. That's it. It just keeps on ticking away. Yes, it does. So what have you been doing comedy?

25? I try not to tell people, but yeah, 25 years this October. That's embarrassing. Yes, it is. No, you're doing great. What are you? comedy, 25? I try not to tell people, but yeah, 25 years this October. That's embarrassing. Yes, it is. No, you're doing great. What are you, 17th special out there? There's a handful. Yeah.

They're doing worse and worse, everyone. Well, YouTube's dead. Yeah, what are you going to do? We're not on there, are we? All right. So here's the whole breakdown. Give it to me. Scheduled C-sect.

I don't want to hear your thoughts, your opinions. That's what happened. Put it in your pipe and jizz on it. That's the way to go. I mean, we had the conversation before a couple of weeks ago and that's the way to go because we did a, we tried to push that thing out. We sat there for 22 fucking hours. There you go.

And it put me behind the eight ball. Chuck's got a shit, emergency shit happening. I guess so. I know that face. That didn't look good at all. No, something happened. It was like that time. Remember that time you almost died on the podcast? Oh man, that was ugly. That was gonna be that thing. Hit him. He does have a coffee the size of my fucking father's asshole. He's got a cookie and a few fries. So he's pumping its way right out of his b-hole. Okay. So you schedule the C, that's the way to go, and you have the date.

And now I remember, I recall being upstairs and your wife was like, we're either gonna do this date or this date, and you were like, I hope she does this date, and she went with the opposite date. Yeah, I had to cancel a couple of gigs, which was, at the time, you know, but pre-baby you're like,

this gig's the most important thing in my life. Then you have a baby, you're like, what gig? Right. You know, so perspective, Jerry. Right, that was fast shit. It's a fast phone call. Oh, what gig? Right. So perspective, Jerry. Right. That's fast shit. It's fast phone call. Oh, it's fast phone call. OK.

So 9 AM scheduled C section. No, no, sorry. 6 AM. OK. You got to be there an hour early, like a flight. Right. So we get the 430, beep, beep, beep. I schedule a nice Uber minivan.

And he picks us up at five. We head on out there. The sun is not out yet. It's freezing cold. She's huge. We're in the back of the minivan. The guy can't find the hospital entrance. I don't know.

You got to get out. Get out. I go, dude, we got a pregnant lady here. Come on. We got to find the entrance. And we're circling in Hell's Kitchen looking for where we finally find it. We get in there, go up the elevator, and it's really hitting you now.

Like, holy shit, we're here. This is happening. And we sign up at the desk. There's an Orthodox Jewish guy in the lobby sleeping. There's a Hispanic woman crying. There's an Asian lady like twiddling her thumbs. I mean, it's a scene. We get in there.

They go, all right, we're gonna wheel you out. And I remember what you said, men are irrelevant. They hate us. They hate us. They hate us because they hate us. Yeah. Well, first they bring her in for a half an hour to make sure you're not abusing her. I know.

That's the craziest. So to keep her goddamn mouth shut or I'd give her the taste of the back of my hand. Same. Yeah, so they bring her in and they go, you sure, did he rape you? She goes, I wish, da da da, and all this. So then finally they give us a room.

And by the way, I gotta say the diversity at this office is unbelievable. We had a Muslim nurse, then we had a Jewish gay anesthesiologist. What? Yeah, then we had a, like a Asian lady nurse. I mean, it was no, there was only one guy on the whole floor. Wow. So by the way, these Orthodox Jews, they kick that lady. He stayed in the lobby the whole time.

He did not even go visit. No, no nothing. No kidding. And I chatted with him, literally, he goes, eighth kid. And I go, oh, that's a little much. It was with I just we are repopulating. It's our religion. And I go, Hey, kids. Okay. Well, I would do what about deodorant? Can we start there? OctoJu kids. That's too much. Yeah. Two horns, eight kids. But so we get in there, they prep her, they put her in the scrubs like Matt Damon, going to kill as a departed guy. They put me in. Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg, thank you. They put me in the scrubs and I'm just trying to be helpful. I'm moving furniture, I'm moving bags and strollers to every room. Now we're in the

second room and they prep her and they go, this is what's going to happen, da da da. And then they go, this is it. We're going to take you in the second room. And they prepper and they go, this is what's gonna happen, da da da. And then they go, this is it. We're gonna take you in a few minutes. It's so scary. That this is the craziest this is it of all time. I know. I kept saying, it feels like a late night set where you're like, I know I'm going to be out there

with the suit at some point. Exactly. But you're also most of the day, you're sitting around in sweatpants fingering yourself. So you're like, maybe it won't happen. This party that's like, it's not going to happen. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you're like, you're on as a guy in a headset. Right. Because you're on. Right. And then those nylon shoe things, I kept ripping them too, because I was all nervous. You got to put the nylons over your shoe. Oh, you're fiddling with it.

I kept being like, oh, sorry, I broke it. Oh, I see. Yeah. They're very delicate. So they take her. They take her away. And I go, oh, wow, this is it. And it's like you said, you kind of hope, like, maybe it won't happen. Maybe it's a false alarm. Maybe we'll just go back home. Let's go home.

What are we doing here? Well, you have a moment. You're like, I want my old life back. I'm just kidding. Yes! Oh my god, I want to go to Royal Oak for a couple of days. Oh, I love Royal Oak. So I'm in there alone.

I'm in my scrubs. I'm just like, I'm a grown up now. This is weird. I feel like a child, but I'm in there. And I fall asleep. I fall asleep on the chair, because I got up at 4.30 in the morning. I went to bed at 1.30, so I'm just like,

five minutes go by, 10 minutes go by. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my whole life. Then a Jamaican lady comes in and goes, what the fuck are you doing, man? Hey, Irene. And I went, ah, ah. She goes, your wife's having a baby, you fucking asshole. And I go, oh my god. So we run down the hall.

I get in there, door swings open. There she is on the table. On the slab. Cut open. Cut open with eight women around her going, you see the ball game last week? Holy shit, that was crazy. WNBA, they're not very good at basketball. They're going internet. And they put me on the other side of the curtain and they go, you want to see? I go, I'm good. But there was a crack in the curtain. I saw everything.

Curtain crack. Yes. Bad drug. I saw everything. I tried to squint, but I saw the cut. I saw blood everywhere. Buckets of blood coming out. Buckets. I know. And she's drugged up. So I just have her head in a shower cap and she's going, what's happening? And then the nurses go, brace yourself or something, some kind of thing. And she goes, the wife lets out two bellows. She goes, oh, oh! And then I heard, wah! So I do one of these.

I look outside the curtain, I see a big, fat, purple N-word just coming up, just a big old eggplant. And he's screaming, he's got the umbilical he's gooey and covered in queefs and jizz and semen and they bring him over and right when you see him all you see is that Ballbag it's all scrotum Jerry. Wow, that's a big ballbag. Huge balls You need a magnifying glass to see the bell bag. Not mine. That thing, I mean the dick That could do some work.

But that ball bag is prominent. It's like a fucking hacky sack. It's like Ari's the dad. Yes, exactly. By the way, it's ironic, but they pull the baby out. The baby resembles your dick the night he was conceived. It's slimy, it's purple, it's crying. You know what I mean?

It's a similar goo. It's all gooed up. It's all goo. They got to wipe the goo. Just like you pull out, you got to wipe the goo. Goo goo dolls. Yeah, it's crying. You know what I mean? It's a similar goo. It's all gooed up. It's all goo. They gotta wipe the goo. Just like you pull out, you gotta wipe the goo. Goo goo dolls. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, I think that's what that song's about.

It must be. So she's like, woo, she's kinda loopy and I made a playlist, cause I'm a queef. I made a playlist and I was playing it by her ear. All the songs she likes. And like all the relevant songs and all that that we've had in our relationship, the wedding song, all that stuff. So it's just Dr. John

going, such a night, such a night. And she's like, and so then they wipe the baby down. They go, you want to go see it? I go, yeah, I took 800 photos. I didn't want to touch it. They wipe it down. It's not purple anymore. They hand it to me. I've never held a baby for more than four seconds. I'm now holding my own child. I got the throat thing, you know, like the crying. You know, your throat closes up.

You're like, weeping like a baby. Try to hold it in. And the wife, I rip her mask off and I go to give her a kiss. I've been crying. I'm completely snotted up. I snot all over her face. I'm like... Nice snotty kiss.

That's sweet. Big snotty kiss. She's like, what the hell is going on? And then we get a photo. She's out of it. She's like, how's he look? What's going on? Where am I?

Who are you? Yada yada. who'd you vote for? And I was like, oh yeah, we did it. This is it. I'm trying to be nice. They got the playlist going and then they kicked me out. They take the baby and they sew her up. The sewing her up took longer than the birth.

Right. The birth was maybe 11 minutes and the sew job was probably 15, 20. Oh, it's forever. Yeah. So then you're like, well, there we are. This is it. And then they wheel us to the mom unit,

where they take care of you for three days. And that was lovely. Yeah, once you get a room. We got fucked. Did you guys have a waiting area for hours and hours? I think we had a bad night. They were all full. I think it was a bad night.

It was crazy. Yeah, we had a horrible situation. They were all full. I think it was a bad night. It was crazy. Yeah. We had a horrible situation, actually. It fucking sucked ass. It took us like 14 hours to get a room. What? Yeah, it was terrible. It was like... Everyone was apologizing. It was really awful. But once we got that room, though, and you got the couch that turns into a bed, and then you have on-demand, you got the movies. I told you, we watched Grease, and I cried like my father's ass will cry. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's really something else. And the hospital, they put you in your own bathroom. You got a view of the city. You got your own bed. She's got a great bed. They wheel the baby in a bassinet. You get to look at it. They show you how to breastfeed.

That was like a cocoon. It was like, oh, this is so pampered and nice. They bring you food. And she's like, you don't want to leave there. She didn't anyway. Yeah. And she's banged up, C-section. So I got to help her go to the bathroom.

There's blood everywhere. It was pretty wild. But yeah, then every day I'd go to Chipotle. Salacu's visited. You visited. And her brother came, some other friends. Great time. Yeah, it's pretty fun.

It's weird. You don't want it to end, because you feel like it's like your special time. Everyone's pretty fun. It's weird, you don't want it to end, because you feel like it's like your special time. Everyone's blowing you. Everyone's like, how are you doing? Are you OK? And then a little time passes, and literally nobody cares. Nobody cares.

Well, anybody crack heads and retards have kids, so you know. Yeah, I see two right now of each. Sorry, Chuck. So yeah, that's that. And then you go out into the world and then you show up and we do the baby seat which was like a comedy of errors. Well that was fun. So we see Salakus, by the way, you had Salakus. We should have flipped our jobs by the way. I came up and took photos of you and he drove. I should have drove,

he should have taken the photos. He's a professional photographer, and he drives a 1986 yellow cab minivan with chewed up crumbs. I mean, he's like, oh, I was like, you didn't clean the car? He's like, no, I cleaned it. And I was like, who cleaned it? Fucking Ray Charles? There's M&Ms all over it, and crumbs,

and croissants and shit, and little action figures of his son, it's crazy. And it's one of these. Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Right, he pulled up to the curb. He's dressed like Data from Goonies. That's just how he's got a trench coat on for some reason But yeah, yeah, he drove us though and you that first drive It's like that movie where they got glist nitro glycerin and they're trying to get over the get through the jungle without shaking Oh, yeah, it's like uncut gems in that car Sorcerer sorcerer. How did you get that? Gave me the plot of the movie. Okay, and no one's heard of it.

Oh, it's a wonderful film. William Friedkin. Oh yeah. Friedkin. Yeah, it came out right after Star Wars and they got fucked. Ah, yes. Fun fact. That happened a lot. Yeah, it's like Farrah Fawcett dying right before Michael Jackson. Yeah, poor Farrah. She got rooked. But, I've jerked off to both of them.

But yeah, so we get home and then you're home and you're like, well, now the problem starts. Well, that's when it's the realest. Because at the hospital, you're in the hospital. So you can just be like, brrrr. Yes. Hey, he shit his pants. What does that mean?

Blulululup. Hey, he just coughed. What does that mean? Blulululup. He's got fucking brown eyes. What does that? Here you're like, uh. I know. You got the Google. We do live in a great time for a baby because you can Google everything. Oh, just Google

fucking weird head. Whatever Google can fuck you though. They go. Oh, that means he has AIDS and he's gay. And you're like, no, give me at least one of those. But Google is better with babies. Google with you with an adult. You're like my side hurts and they can't get a specific one. It could be kidney cancer or kidney liver, whatever. But the baby, usually it's like, that's normal, that's fine, don't worry about it. Well, you know Eric Mann, the guy who fucked up all your video stuff?

Yeah. He just had a baby like two days before me and I was like, how's it going? He's like, not good. My wife can't even walk. She had a little, a whole thing down there. And then he's like, my kid is having reflux. Like he keeps spitting up weird shit and he's like, I'm on chat GBT all day, just learning about babies. I was like, that's good, I never thought to do that.

Wow, chat GBT. Yeah, it tells you everything. It's too scary. Yeah, well he's like, it's like my babysitter, it's my confidant, I'm getting everything from JetBab. I'm terrified of AI. Everyone that comes up to me after the show goes, I drive trucks, all I do all day is listen to you, and I'm like this, oh god. Yeah. I've only got two years left of this truck driving business, and then it's all fucking robot-y robots. Uber, cabs, forklift, trucks, it's all going, Jerry.

Ah, what are we gonna do? I guess we'll just put our feet up and let robots blow us. Get the auto-blow. Is this this week's thing? Because this would be a great transition into our ad. Yeah, I'll work it, that's good. Okay, auto-blow. Tuesday Stories brought to you by, that's good. Okay, Auto Blow. Tuesday Stories brought to you by Auto Blow.

This Valentine's Day, give yourself the gift of an amazing blow job with the Auto Blow Ultra. There it is right there. That's quite an opening, huh? A little ambitious. It's the world's best-selling blow job machine for a reason with over 500,000 souls. It does things that other toys for men just can't. The Auto Blow Ultra syncs with a free video library that has over 700 videos so

you can actually feel what you're seeing on screen. Holy hell, I auditioned for that, didn't get it. Chuck knows how to use this puppy. Chuck is the Auto Blow King. That was his nickname in high school too. Look at this thing. Yeah, he's gonna put his weird little disgusting, just crusty dick in there,

and he's gonna show you how to use it, folks. Chuck's playing it up nice. How does this thing come off? Yeah, real nice. Oh, there we go. That's the battery pack, I think. I see the pussy over here, the lips. That's the clip.

I don't know if it's pussy lips or mouth lips. Who told you to put the bomb on? There's a mustache on it. Look at this thing. This is a hydraulic blowjob machine. Chuck has two of these at home. He loves them. Look at that.

We can't get the top off. Who told you to put the top on? Put my cookies in his mouth. I mean, I'm gonna put cookies in my mouth. Yeah. This episode brought to you by famous Amos and the auto blow. My God, it's going nice and slow too.

Oh yeah, and I just had a baby and she can't make love, so I'm gonna be all over this blow blow. Head to autoblow.com and use the code stories15 to get 15% off your purchase. That's autoblow.com, code stories15 for 15% off, S-T-O-R-I-E-S, 15. Do it, folks, and jizz all over that thing. Let me see.

So you can, it's hard to see, but we can't figure out how to get it out, but once we do. Oh, it's over. You can see the lips right there. Oh, very nice. Tight lips, and it goes up and down in the water, like Bob.

Do you put the lube in there? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh yeah, you do it, and it sucks you right off, you come in lube in there? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. You do it, it sucks you right off. You come in there, and it's easy to clean, easy to do. It's awesome. It's very easy to set up.

That's going to save a school from getting shot up, that thing. I'll tell you that right now. You put your dick in that thing, you don't want to shoot your aunt. Ready? Whoa, baby. Whoa, man.

That looks familiar. Look at that. Wow. That's nice. Sorry, Sarah, you're out. Oh, Chuck, that's so good. Very nice. Whoa!

Oh my god, Chuck just tripped over a box cookie. Oh my god, it changes the pace. This thing rules. Our fans, you guys are the target audience for this. Get it going. Auto blow. All right, what else is going on? All right, here we go. I can't turn this thing off. Draft Kings is brought to you by Toothless. Don't show the Draft Kings while I'm getting blown. Hey, we're brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen up, this ain't the little tiny bowl.

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For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co slash audio. But isn't it cool we got three, we got three, we have two New York kids. Two New York kids, same age difference. Yes! And it's very exciting. I mean, it's a fun place to raise a kid because.

Yeah, it's an obstacle course of heroin and hobo and pedo. No, well, you got to sell the house, do a flip, and then get a car that's not 56 years old and then come over to BPC. We'll have the time of our lives. Yeah! Sounds like a plan. Good living over there. I bet you can get 100 bucks for this place.

Yeah, I'd say so. Just the memorabilia in here alone is worth 28. That's got to be worth something. Yeah. So how you feeling now? It's been a few days. Any hiccups, throw-ups, barfs, shits, scarries? First off, the first night it's like boot camp and the baby is the drill sergeant. He's like, get up, get down, shut up, help me, blow yourself, you don't matter, I matter. You're like, yes sir, whatever you want.

He's screaming in your face, in the dark, high pitched, hurting your ears, and you're trying to change his diaper. He's got shit everywhere, he peed on me. Then you go back to bed and you hear like, wah, wah, and you're like, he's dying. Then you get up and you put your finger under his nose so he can smell the pussy, and then he finally goes to sleep and you go, wah, And you get up and you put your finger under his nose so he can smell the pussy and then he goes, finally goes to sleep and you go, you get up again and you think you're going to kill it. You can't. I got like a baby 20 minutes of sleep. The first

one. That's the scary thing when they're young. And I forget how many days or months or weeks, but like nine days old, they can die. They flip it. They're on their belly. If the blanket, if the pillow, if the fucking a cold, a flu, a fever, a thing, like if he gets sick, you the the the the the the the

the the the the the the That was perfect timing. We don't want you to die. We just thought that would be a funny thing to do. We like you very much. If you got hurt, that'd be funny. I'm just kidding. Well, just go for a couple laps around the neighborhood. You'll get hurt. But anyways, yeah, so you get past that. But early on, yeah, you got to keep them on the

bat. And they have the shake there. The nervous system is like all, the wires are all fucked up. He does this shit and tries to claw his own eyes., yeah, see you. Yeah, he doesn't care about you. No, he doesn't know who the fuck you are He knows the three of us. That's true. That's sad. It's depressing Yeah, but the wife is kicking ass she's doing the breastfeeding and these jugs are about the size of my dad's ass and huge Yeah, we'll put her tits in there and the the baby's eating like a buffet every day, just eating, eating, eating. He's going to be healthy, he's going to be strong, he's going to be gay. And her nipples look like a doorstop in an old haunted house. I mean, it's just chewed up, scratched up.

And the baby's loving every minute of it. And you're like, geez, the teeth aren't even out yet. But how cool is this? It cut its face, because he's got these crazy talons. and the baby's loving every minute of it, and you're like, geez, the teeth aren't even out yet, but how cool is this? It cut its face, because he's got these crazy talons. The wife goes, hold on. Put the breast milk on the face. He sealed it up.

Healed, healed in one day. These babies are like Wolverine. Yes! You don't even need the tit milk. They just scratch, and you're like, oh my God, he's got a scar face, he's got to look like Seal forever. Right.

Ten minutes later, he looks like, yeah, he's like Great White's sharks. They just come back. Great White's. The station. Yeah. So, yeah, so it's been cool. And I think we got it down. And you start to just, your patience goes up and your, you know what is it,

that shaky hand? That goes away. Like your nerves go away. Steadiness. Steadiness. Like the first day I had him, I'm trying to change, he's screaming in my face, I'm like panicking. I'm like, okay, I'm doing it, hold on!

You drop the diaper, you pick it up, and you're sweating on him. Now he's screaming in my face, I'm like, whatever. I blow some cigarette smoke in his face, I change the diaper, and I keep jerking off. Yeah, you adjusted it all. It's all gravy Navy. And you know what else?

All the cliches are true. He's so cute. I go to a set. I can't wait to get home to see him. And all he does is sit there, puke, piss and shit. It's exciting. You got something to go home to. Yeah.

Before that, your wife, you're like, I mean, if we're fucking great. But if she's talking, I don't want to see her. Yeah, come on. But the baby, you mean, if we're fucking great, but if she's talking, I don't want to see her. Yeah, come on. But the baby, you know, he's real. He actually likes you. Yes. Your wife doesn't like you. No.

And who would? No, I don't know. I hate me. Yeah, exactly. So, so yeah, it's very exciting. And now it's just keep it alive. And I think we're going to have another one and see how that goes. So I would wait a few months. I will wait. I will wait. and now it's just keep it alive. And I think we're gonna have another one and see how that goes. So.

I would wait a few months. We'll wait, we'll wait. Well, the vagina, I can't even get in there at this point. Right, six weeks. It's a long six weeks. When's the last time you went six weeks without having sex? 1988. Yeah, it's tough.

It's a haul. But the nice thing is, cause I was worried about that six weeks, but at the beginning you're so fucking exhausted and wiped out. Yes, yes. And she's so gross that you're like, ah, it's fine, whatever, who cares? Yeah, yeah, I got a couple baby bit ideas,

so the world is healing. That's what it's all about is the bits. Yeah, that's why you have them. He's a material creator. We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. You know. Yeah, do we get dinged for that?

No. OK, never know. I think if we sang it well, we might. OK. No ding. I think it's only if you actually use the track. Yeah. All right, great.

No ding. No ding. No ding. No ding, only dong. Sorry. Woo. Boy, I did a show in Sunnyvale. There was an Asian guy,

front row, and he kept going like this, hey, you going to do the hoi-hoi? No! I was like, oh, geez, no, I don't know what that's about. I don't know anything about that. Was he being fun or was he serious? He was being fun. He was a big twos guy, but then he was in the merch line going,

how come you don't do it? How come you're not doing that? And I was like, I don't even know what you're talking about. It's not my kind of humor. Oh, man, that's bad. of humor. Aw, man. I don't care for that one bit. Aw, man. Yeah, I had a years ago, this guy, this open mic-er kid, drove me home. I was doing some gig.

It was during COVID. And he goes, I love Tuesdays. I never miss an app. It's my favorite show. I quote all the time. And I go, oh, you don't get offended by stuff. Because it was right in the middle of cancel shit. And he goes, well, you guys go hard on the Asians.

I was like, he was an Asian guy. And I was like, oh, yeah, my bad there. Stop Asian hate. But he was bummed about the Asian stuff. I feel terrible. Well, first of all, right from New York at Sanhok. Oh, that was the other thing. He Venmo'd, the guy bought a shirt and Venmo'd me in the little thing he wrote. Hi-yoy-yoy-yoy. Ah, how do you spell that out? I don't know. I didn't know what it was at first.

And I was like, oh, I see what's happening here. I know who that is. But anyways, the reason is because you're so sweet and kind and funny, and you don't threaten us and beat us up like the others. Yes, you're not as violent unless you're in the shit with the rice patty. Then watch out. But Oh, gee, but.

Come on. Sorry. Whoo. We're having fun. And I'm making fun of the the Asian films of that we grew up with, with these samurai. Yes. That's all. Well, it's the ear of the dragon. But it's all fun. Plus, we know I say shit all the time.

Right. Right. That's a Jewish guy. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, we're home and it all worked out. We got a nice big pad, we got a nice little fat quiff up there and yeah. I know, bummed out, I've had a cold. I kept wanting to come over and throw that thing around, punt him a little bit, but. Yeah, please.

I got the sniffles. It's cause that's the thing early on, it's just, I have a cold or whatever, that's like nothing early on. It's just, I have a cold or whatever, that's like nothing to me. It's like, in fact, but the baby is so, such a sensitive... I know. And then it's funny because when I brought my baby home, I was riddled with COVID. Oh, wow. But it's your kid, you don't care.

Right. Because you're like, well, if I get my baby sick, but if I get your baby sick, May will shoe me in the nuts the way I like. Exactly. Exactly. Well, speaking of nuts, you got yours. Oh, we don't talk about we got the circumcision. I'm sure I'll get the world to hate for that. But it's healed. That was a tough time putting a little gauze on there. Yeah, the sandwich. It's a little hot dog. But yeah, yeah. So that's awkward. You know, like, hold on, let me push shit on your wee-wee here and like it. And yeah, so that's been awkward. But now his dick is right as rain.

Primo. Oh, yeah. I love a good little red rocket. Oh, yeah. It looks like a little eraser. Oh, yeah. I love a red rocket. The film. Did you see that film? Simon Rex. Sean Baker, Simon Rex, our boy who's Simon Rex, by the way, listens the minute it comes out. So shout out, great performance. I didn't care for the new Sean Baker. Don't tell him I said that. And Nora. I thought I found it annoying. And a little, a snora. But yeah, thanks T-Rex. We love you.

We certainly do. So yeah, I got a couple of kooktails to tell you too, but I gave you the floor here. I'd love to hear a kooktail. I mean, what do I have here? I mean, I got a couple of kooktails to tell you too, but I can give you the floor here. I'd love to hear a kooktail. I mean, what do I have here? I mean, I have a long epic, but I'll tell it next week because that one's going to be a crazy one. Okay. Well, how about this?

So I texted Luke Monas because we were just in Sunnyvale. I didn't take any notes and I said, hey, you got any stories from this past? We forgot to take notes. So I just checked the text. stories from this past? We gotta take notes. So I just checked the text. How about this one? This is classic. This is like, I feel like a hacky bit at this point cause everyone's got a story like this.

But we have that. Oh, I hear the baby. That's the worst. We had a housekeeper, but she got deported. So what was I saying? I got distracted by the baby. Now to hear of baby Monez. And I'm like, oh shit, I gotta run.

Yeah. But. Monez, Monez, Monez. So we got the shows and it's, I text my manager and go, hey, you send me all the info for the gig, but you never send me the show times. You gotta give me the show times also. That's cruce.

So they send me the show times. All right, eight o'clock Friday. Sweet. So we're hanging out. You know, you hang out all day, you do the business and you say, look, I'll see you at seven 30. We'll head over. So we're going to leave at seven 30 for the eight o'clock show. You're in that same hotel. Oh yeah. Wild bombs. Yep. That's the one. It's the same with the fountain. So we're meeting. It's like six 50. I've got, we're leaving in in 40. I'm gonna get my jerk on. Good move. Let me rub one out. And you know me, not a huge porn guy. But I every once in a while, I'll jump in there, I go to the porn hub,

I'll dabble and I've tried to find something real nasty. Yes, come on in the water is fine. Because I've been around for a long time. So I like someone fucking a wife in front of me, tie me up, plow my wife. Yes. Make me watch. I will do this. Strap on a dildo. Fuck me in the ass with the dildo. Sure. So I find a nice porn. Meat and potatoes. This is a woman. The wife is a secret lesbian lady. Okay. And she's got a dildo. Okay. And she's got a dildo.

OK. And she is fucking another woman. Dildo Baggins. She's fucking this married lady. Husband comes home and goes, whoa, what the hell? Oh, I like this. My wife is getting fucked by a strap on. And she goes, well, this is I'm actually gay.

I love women. This is written for you. The woman, the wife goes, hey, why don't you fuck my husband in the ass with that dildo? Ah, this took a turn. Well, let me be honest, people are gonna think I'm making this up,

but I don't get to that part. I just get there. Sure. The fucking, the lady's fucking the lady in front of the guy. I like it. And he goes, oh no, I don't wanna be fucked. So that's my porn. This is what I'm watching. This is what I'm rubbing one out to. Well, you got there before the anal penetration. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't, I have a whole to be fucked. So that's my porn. This is what I'm watching. This is what I'm rubbing one out to.

Well, you got there before the anal penetration. Yeah, yeah. I have a whole bit about it. I can't take a dick in my ass. It's too much. Now, of course, of course. I don't want to do my bit because I'm doing it on the road and I feel like I have to people. But it goes on and on about the no dick in the ass. But, so this is what I'm watching while I'm watching it, getting my jerk on, and by the way I'm watching it for about 8 minutes before I even start jerking off because I like the plot. It's enjoyable. I also like the plot.

So then I get this. Who's texting me during my jerk? I look, it's the owner of the club. Uh oh. You know the show's at 7 right? You gotta fire this manager. It's 6.57. Oh! I got a hard on and my cell phone in my ass. I got a high heel in my ass, my nipple clamps on. Wow. I go seven, whoa, zoinks. I jump up, I throw the phone down, I text Luke, I go, we got to leave. The shows, I tried to write the shows at seven, but I typo'd and I wrote the shows at eight because I was thinking about eight. So I was like, get ready, we got gotta leave now, shows at eight.

And I start running to put my pants on, I put my shoes on, I put my socks on, I'm not even kinda ready, I'm covered in lube and soap, bar of soap in my ass, salt in my eyes. Ironically, your manager fucked you in the ass with a dildo. Exactly, so I run around, I get back to my phone, Luke's like, what are you talking about?

Yeah, shows at eight, we're leaving at 720. And I'm like, I meant to write seven, you gotta get ready. And he's like, what? Zoik, so. Wait, you got a host? We got a host. All right, that helps, a little buffer. We got a host, and the show starts a little late,

but I'm like, fuck, so I've just been beating off to fucking rape me in the ass porn. Sure. I run out into the car, I go, okay, put your, put both shoes on the same foot. My socks on my head, my toes, I run out. My pants are on backwards like crisscross. I got no jacket and a, my sister's brow on my head. Sure. I go outside, jump in the car. Luke jumps in the car. We start driving them like this is crazy. How did my manager do

this? We're fucked. And then Luke goes, Hey, I know this is all crazy, but can I ask? What is my wife's lover fucked me in the ass mean the Bluetooth? I never turned the board off. So I'm driving. I was just jerking off to whatever. And so he goes, What the hell is this? Yeah, I look at the dashboard across the dashboard. My wife's lover fucked me in the ass with a dildo. Wow until I came in front of her. I'm like, whoa, hey. And now Luke's a conservative guy.

He doesn't approve of my babysitter's lifestyle, let alone, he's like, you can't swear. I asked him, I was like, you never talk about shit. You don't take shits, and he goes, no, I don't talk about that kind of stuff. It's the kind of guy I'm dealing with. His girlfriend goes to church, he goes to church. What is he, a Mormon?

This guy's a Cubs scout. He's just a straight shooter, or whatever you call it. And I'm watching Strap on a Dildo, Fuck My Husband in the Ass porn, and I go, oh well, I don't know anything about that. That's a podcast. Was it playing, or was it just the title? No, it was just the title scrolling.

Oh, that's even worse. It's worse. Because now it describes what you were watching. Before, it could just be like, uh, uh, uh. Well, I was like, well, it's a podcast. Don't worry about it. It's the new Sam Harris episode. It's NPR.

But yeah, that was just a classic. Wow. Your porn is your own thing. Oh, yeah, you better believe it, Benny. I don't want people to know that I'm watching fucking a lady getting plowed in the pussy in front of her husband who's tied up and then he's gonna take it.

Just they'll know, but other than that, you don't want Luke knowing. It's only a couple hundred thousand people. That's true, if we're lucky. What are you gonna do? Yeah, wow, man. Well, how did you not write that down? Well, I was too ashamed.

Then we went right in, because the show was starting. So I was like, motherfucker, it was super late. And it turns out actually about the club owner, who I love, Heather is like one of the best people. But she had sent the times, they usually do one show on a Friday, but you know, a big deal.

So they did two, so she had sent the wrong times. That's why there was confusion. All right, all right. And then my manager had corrected it, but I know, a big deal. So they did two, so she had sent the wrong times, that's why there was confusion. All right, all right. And then my manager had corrected it, but I didn't see the correction, you never see the correction email. No, no. You read the first email, and then there's other bullshit,

you're like, whatever. You move on with your life. So we, the show started a little late, whatever, and your pal, Laura Sogar, came and did a guest spot, Friday, your neighbor, right? And she lived next door. Yeah, right around, she's our cat sitter. So that was fun and a great weekend.

I got some others. I feel like we're, we have to wrap up or should I throw another thing out there? You got another like nine minutes. Oh, okay, great. Well, let me see what else he wrote down. Wow, that's crazy. How's that club doing?

Cause I haven't been there in 30 years. I think they're doing okay. I think they closed for a while during COVID, but they're back up and running. But I think they usually do one show. What's crazy is Sunnyvale, California. Rooster Teeth Feathers is the club we're talking about. Beautiful little town down there. I love it. I love being out there. You know, it's funny. It used to be Wednesday through

Sunday back in the day. And I've spent like two months of my life there because I worked there for seven, eight years. That's where we got Rob, Sarah and I got Rob and St. Jose. And it's been, you know, it's just a crazy time. I've spent a lot of time out there. This is the other one. So this one, I don't feel like translates to story form, but we go out there and it's cold. The Saturday is like cold because I'm thinking California. I don't bring my winter coat, but it's northern.

It's northern Cal. I mean, it's cold like it's, I don't know, forty eight degrees. All right. That's nice. So it's northern. It's northern Cal. I mean it's cold like it's I don't know 48 degrees. All right that's nice. So it's nice but I only brought like a hoodie and a t-shirt. I'm a bad packer. I just grab whatever. I'm not good at packing. I have no patience for it. I don't have yeah I hate packing. Green Bay. Whatever. So uh packing fudge. So we call it blue fudge. We don't really do that anymore. Yeah. It's a fudge packer. Yeah. It used to be a fudge factory. Yeah. Around the corner fudges made. What happened to fudge? Yeah. Let's bring fudge back. Why no fudge fudge fudge coming. Yes.

Fudge you. So what was I talking about? Pooh. No. Oh, it's cold out there in the damn hills. Oh, it's cold. So we're waiting for, we go to breakfast, there's a long wait and I go, hey, I'm going to run, there's a running store over here running, running is fun, running is gay, whatever the hell it is. Sure, running on empty, runs from intimacy. So we go over there and I go, let me get a sweatshirt because it's a little nip nip. And so I go in, I go, I'm going to be five minutes.

Dip-dip. Enough with the Asian jokes. Let me try to clean it up. The table is going to take 10 minutes. I say, don't worry. I'll be in and out. Don't worry about this. So I walk over.

And I love doing this. I've did this with my car, where people go, can we help you find anything? I go, I'm going to be your best sale all day. Don't even worry about me. I'll be ready in five minutes. You want to ring me up? You want the commission? You wait

right there. You be quiet. You shut your mouth. I walk over, I grab a hoodie. Where's the large? Large. Put it on. Feels nice. I get a long sleeve tee to go under the hoodie. Some kind of run bullshit, nylon, super gay run store. Grab that large dressing room, put it on. Bang, bang. Love it. I go, oh, I can always use extra socks. These are the best socks ever. There's hush cushion sold. Oh, D green. Fuck you. Give me one of those.

Toss that in. I see plantar fasciitis socks. Hey, I used to have plantar fasciitis. Not so bad anymore, but can come back anytime. I do a lot of cement walking. I do a lot of running. I give me one of these. Grab those. Walk up. Throw them down. I go. I'll take all this. I got a breakfast to catch.

So then the employee, and this is what we talk about. Oh, Jen Z. I don't, I don't want to end up being one of these guys that talks generations and the kids these days and all that. Sure. I can't wait. But this generation and these kids these days. Queef City, these kids, it's a victim complex. It's my heads in the clouds I don't know how to interact. I can't make eye contact. My father's gay Well, this this is the thing that drives me crazy and everybody goes it's autism everyone's up And know all the shit. Yeah, it's not it's the people just fucking grew up with their parents on their phones Yeah, and they're on their phones and no one ever fucking looked at them because their parents are on fucking Facebook and

queef book and shit. They don't socialize. They don't interact with real people. It's all, Hey, I'm out here at the holiday inn and my Karen and my dad killed me. Plus COVID. That's why there's a spike in autism and ass burgers and fart burgers. It ain't vaccines. It's that no one even fucking talks to anybody or makes human emotions or feelings anymore. So everyone's

like this. Okay. Everyone's out to lunch. Welcome. Oh, I'm like, what? Yeah. Look at each other. Is this guy kidding? Like he's behind the register. Like, uh, and before you cut it, he's not down syndrome or anything like that. Who hired this guy? I don't know they have to get the people so he picks up the shirt and he's like flipping it is there a tag I don't see a tag I go I don't know I don't know I got breakfast coming yes put some life into it I don't know if there's a tag and he's just twirling it he throws it all the way inside out somehow. Like he's like looking at it like, oh my Lord.

And Luke goes, I'll go get another one. I'll get one with a tag. Yes. He goes and gets one. And then the guy goes, OK, thank you. He scans the other one. And then Luke goes, by the way, the tag's right here. It's on the shirt the whole time.

Oh my God. Then I go, then this hoodie, I always have hoodies that shrink. Is this going to shrink? The guy goes, I don't know. I don't know. And then Luke pulls up the tag and goes, well, it's just polyester. Polyester doesn't really shrink.

So Luke's doing all the work. Wow. I'm there for fucking 40 minutes. Then he goes, you put your email in and he turns the screen, it's a touch screen. He turns it like this. So I go, oh, okay. So I put my email in here. Like I start touching, he goes, oh no, no, he turns it like this. So I go, oh, okay, so I put my email in here,

like I start touching, he goes, oh no, no, I do it. I'm like, well what'd you turn the screen for? Yeah! I don't get it. He turned the screen towards me. Maybe he's a fan, maybe he's Starstruck. No, no, no, he's a fucking goof head. And anyways, it's like a nine minute thing.

And by the way, the total was $275. I believe it. I go, what? Yeah. I go, I could have bought a flight for that. I know. And he goes- Those running stores, those boutique, it's high end shit.

So he goes, oh, I don't know. And I go, don't worry about it, whatever it is, I don't fucking care. And the phone's going off. Your table's ready, are you coming to breakfast? Yeah. You piece of shit, where'd you go, we got other people, fuck you. And finally, then he pulls out a bag,

it's like a fucking sandwich bag, it's this big. I go, you have any bigger bags? He goes, I don't think so. And I go, you sell sneakers, what happens if someone buys a pair of sneakers? You can't throw these hardball questions at him, what are you nuts? They usually carry them out,

and so I got a fucking hoodie, rolled up like a fucking burrito stuffed in a bag the size of your son's ball bag. Sure. That's pretty big. Yeah. And I'd have two bags. This big. It was just the craziest thing I've ever seen. It was like a shot clock violation. I'm like, I should get out of here, you fuckhead. That's crazy. Well, it's sad when the, what do you call this? Self-checkout is better than the human. Right. Self-checkout, you would've whizzed right in

and whizzed right out like R. Kelly. I hate the self-checkout, but I just want to have a little bit of a, hey, how's it going? Yeah, of course. Oh, this is a good sweatshirt right there. You're gonna be happy for years in that thing. Okay, socks, oh, I like socks. Great purchase.

Just give me a little. Good taste, yeah, a little back and forth. Some serotonin, dopamine some heroin there you go anyways that's the story i'm sticking to it these kids are checked out they don't know what no wonder they can't get laid they can't even interact with a with a whore that's and i'm talking i don't need anything crazy just go okay uh boop uh boop okay it's 41 uh 88 you need a bag to go or you find everything anything like like that? You know what I mean? Just a slightest hello.

Did you get to breakfast? Oh, you went to breakfast, that's delightful. Great waitress, great breakfast. I think I left a review. I've been leaving reviews of all the good places I go to. Ooh, look at you, you're like Gandhi. Well, if you go to these places, everyone's so, it's so competitive now.

Everyone's just in a knife fight to stay relevant and make money. So you go to a place that is awesome. The least I can do is go write five stars, eat here, this place is awesome. I went to some place in Kansas, the Shack, it was awesome. I like it. I got to get on that because people always go, did you like the service? I go, it was amazing.

I go, please leave us a review. And I go, never. Yeah, I know. It's a fun little easy way to do service. It takes three minutes. You do it, and then it helps the business. And I get a bunch of things being like, people found this relevant. Thank you.

Oh. 180 views or something. OK. Well, there you go, folks. You heard it here first. So yeah, Gen Z, you know you got a Jewish friend who over tips, or you got a black friend who's a lot quieter, because they're overcompensating?

Yes. Gen Z, the whole rub on you Jews is that you're fucking awkward and weird Flip it go the other way just out of a stereotype land flip it Yeah, I mean everyone I know there you see them. They're like this fucking like looking at a thing Yes, and I'm like fucking dude. Put that thing into the forest. You see these uh, 13 year olds out here I got a high school right over here. I'm not allowed near it, but you see these kids all hanging out

and they just all 17 of them. No one's talking, no one's interacting. And I know we were a bunch of boomer honky douches, but. But we've lived Jerry. Yeah, go to Mexico, get laid, do some heroin, do fentanyl, do something. Absolutely. And it's all available right here on this street.

That's true. That's why I moved here. So anyways, that's your story. I'm sticking to it. I just said that. There's a hot little lady out there. Hey, I don't know about that. Never mind. I just got another look at her. Yeah, that was just a bald lady.

I thought it was a guy. But hey, thanks for listening. Where are you going to be at? I have no idea. What year does this come out? I think this is coming out soon. I think maybe. That's what I fucking said! Well, but we already have put out an episode before that. All right, so February 11th probably. Yeah, I think so, something like that.

Something like that. Well, Valentine's Day, Sarah Talamash, Sarah Marie Talamash, and I are gonna be at Comedy Dojo, two shows. It's gonna sell, it's a small room. And so make sure you come out to that Comedy Key West, February 20th to the 22nd. That's with Louis CK. That's actually probably already sold out. I'm working with Louis there. March 7th and 8th, Nashville, Smashville. I take back everything I said about that city. I love that city. Underrated, if you ask me, it's awesome. And then Tempe, I believe, is March 13th of the 15th.

That city I actually do love. I'm going to be all over that illegal pizza. Yeah. So I town I Denver and Tempe. I don't eat Chipotle because I go to illegal pizza. That's a fine product. Can't wait for that. April 10th to the 12th, Minneapolis Acme. That's already selling well.

Minneapolis is that's our town, baby. Hell yeah. And and then, of course, the weekend after that, Patriots Day, I will be at the Wilbur Theater. And did I forget? Oh, Comedy at the Carlson. I'm there, May 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. So come to that. Hell yeah. Yeah, I think that's it for now. I love it. I'm coming all over your wife's tits. Foxwoods Casino coming up. Harrah's Resort, that's in Connecticut. Doing a bunch of shows in the city just to stay fresh.

Got the Ryman Theater in Nashville. Doing Reno, a casino out there, figure that one out. Gonna do a few dates with Shane Gill on these arena tours just because it's good money and I do 20 minutes and he does all the leg work. So come on by, I'm doing Funner, California, whatever that is. Funner. Doing someplace in Mass, I forgot the name of it, some casino. That'll get people indoors.

Hold on, I'm pulling it up right now. It's called, you ever heard of this? Mashantucket, Massachusetts. What is it? Mashantucket. Mashantucket. The Great Cedar Showroom at the... Where the fuck is that? Is that Western Mass?

It's gotta be. Maybe it's like a weird island. Yeah, it's not till July. Then I'm coming to Europe, I'm coming to Greece and Amsterdam and Scandinavia, and going all over England, Birmingham, Cardiff, London, the other one. So say hello, queef it up. We'll see you in hell. Get on the Patreon.

It is Hummin, baby. Oh, it's Hummin, baby. New videos, new queefs, new satellite game, whatever you want to call it, it's all up there. Yeah, it's the best. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, with Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. We're doing a lot of fun stuff. And just a quick thank you to HP Computers. They sent me the new HP ZBook G11. Thank you very much. I very much appreciate it. Everyone support HP Computers.

There you go. I promise I'd say that on the podcast. Oh, nice. Yeah. But yeah, check out Fun Bearable, fun on the podcast. Oh, nice. Yeah. But yeah, check out Fun Bearable, funbearablepod.com, and a lot of fun stuff coming up. This says Mash Antuckets in Connecticut. Connecticut! Thank you.

That sounds more right. Yeah, all right. Is that Foxwoods again? Yeah, it's near Foxwoods. Oh, I bet Foxwoods. Now I've got to fire my manager. Well, what are you going to do? All right, we'll see you all in a minute.

All right, kick ass. Thank you. We love you. Bye-bye. Black night.