Tuesdays with Stories! - # 591 Chili’s Babyback Gibbs

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Joe has an INSANE baggage mix up where his luggage ends up across the country! Mark becomes best pals with an ALL-TIME KOOK on the train! And finally - Joe List makes a surprising career choice for the future!! It's Tuesdays!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial period of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and get up to 20% off your Raycon order at https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS  - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays  - Support the show and get 50% off your first Factor box, plus free shipping. Use code TUESDAYS50OFF at https://www.factormeals.com/TUESDAYS50OFF

If you want to feel more connected to humanity and a little less alone, listen to Beautiful Anonymous. Each week I take a phone call from one random anonymous human being. There's over 400 episodes in our back catalog. You get to feel connected to all these different people all over the world. Recent episodes include one where a lady survived a murder attempt by her own son. But then the week before that, we just talked about Star Trek. It can be anything. It's unpredictable. It's raw. It's real. Get Beautiful Anonymous wherever you listen to podcasts. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do.

Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush.

Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me.

Ay ay ay ay ay ay ay! My radio is spitting at me. And I can't do what I want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We're back. Tuesdays of stories. And no, we're not wearing the same thing. No.

Yeah. Well, I left. I went home for a couple days. That's true. And we're back in the rotation. We record every Monday, of course. And every Monday, this is what we wear. There you go.

The menstrual cycle continues. Absolutely. Whoa. that was a big thing. Outside? Yeah that was a big old fat lady. Oh boy. It's a big old fat rain. I got two big stories here. Oh wow all right great I got a nugget. A couple of, I don't want to say classic, but one of those things in the moment you're like, this is going to be good for the pod. Oh, the suitcase. This will be good for the pod.

Yeah, it's a story I told in the regs six months ago, but what are you going to do? Damn it, no one listens to that. No, no, no, it's a very small podcast. But, and I got another thing that, whatever and whatever, and I didn't tell the full story over there. So I got some stuff.

All right, boy, I can't wait. I don't even know the odds and outs, ins and outs. Ins and out, odds and ends. Odds and ends. Odds and ends, ins and outs. Hey, that's lunch. That's really something. I don't know the odds and ends or the ins and outs

or the anals and queefs or the balls and strikes. Now let me ask you, who's upstairs? I hear people talking up there. The wife has a pal visiting. Oh, a pal. Everybody's going to see the baby. We've got to see the baby. Right.

And they're all secretly jealous. They all hate each other. These women, they hate each other. They really do. Their girl power is a myth. They walk out the door, and they're like, he's ugly. The baby sucks. She's a bad mom.

She's going to kill it. That's it. You hear them? There you go. They're going, ah know how you know women hate each other? Maybe we should close that door. But you know how you know women hate each other is they immediately open with compliments. The door opens and go, I love your hair, I love your outfit. You're like, you can't love everything. That's impossible. That's how I know you're full of shit immediately.

Well, I was talking about this recently and now we're just going to go full misogyny, fuck women. Please. But- It's the only way to do it. But I was hanging out with a lady and another lady, and every conversation that comes up, it's them versus me, because they don't actually like, they don't know each other well enough to oppose each other.

So they always have to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right, oh, you're right, no, you're right, because secretly, they hate each other. Yeah, of course, and if they do it to be like, yeah, yeah, you're right, oh, you're right, no, you're right, because secretly, they hate each other. Yeah, of course, and if they do it to each other, it's too real, so they can do it to you, because it's still kind of goof. Right, now you and me hang out, me and Chuck, me and Derek, whoever, I'm going, shut the fuck up,

you're out of your mind, that's the worst movie I ever saw, you're a piece of shit for even liking it, okay, fuck you, you're a faggot for doing this, and I'm going, I know, fuck you. All right, let's go get some lunch. Yes, odds and evens. But these women, they got to go, well, your pants are nice. No, your socks are nice. Exactly. I think you should have swept up before you went to vacuum. No, you should have vacuumed.

Whatever. That's why you can't have two female leaders. You can have one and then a guy in Russia. But if you have a female leader in America and a female leader in Russia, they're going to go, you look great, I love your bombs, there's a great nuke, yeah, take whatever you want. Now we have no country. Well that might be nice, actually. What do you mean?

Because they go, hey, great country, you got a great country, I'll see you later. Ah, good point. I mean, I don't know, maybe. But never had a female leader, will we ever? Hopefully, God willing. But the problem is they're gonna go home and go, I fucking hate that bitch.

She's a piece of shit. So they still will hate each other if the Russian and the American lady are in power. But they won't say it openly. But yeah, it'll just be a passive aggressive war. They'll be like, well, we're not going to your Olympics. Well, we're not going to go to your Pan Am games. Yeah.

And then the Secretary of State goes, you upset? She goes, I'm fine. OK, well, we're not having Olympics with Russia, so something's up. And their brains are so small. Ah, then don't get me started on the driving. And their pussies are gross. Ugh, nasty, wet and lippy.

Yucky, come on. Yeah, they smell fishy and they taste funny that one time I tasted one. Give me a man's ass any day. Absolutely, positively. Hear, hear. Well, should I just jump into this story? Tastes funny that one time I did. Yeah. Give me a man's ass any day. Absolutely. Positively. Hear hear. Should I just jump into this story? I am dying to hear this suitcase yarn.

You're about to thread here. It was kind of it's it's up there with the AirPods, but. Well, that's big shoes. Now I'm now here's the thing, because I mean no disrespect from my number one buddy in the world who is gonna hot special take a sniff on YouTube, Matt Wayne, take a sniff. We're up over 80,000 views.

This is the special of the year, folks. Is it on your page? It's on my page. Why? But it's a great special, but Matt does not have the psychotic Jewish tenacity of Monas. Ah, Monas, I lost my AirPods.

He was kicking in doors. He had a fake FBI shirt, an iPad, a treasure map. He was yelling at everyone like a manager. He's already deported a few illegals. This guy. Absolutely. He's a big Trump guy. I had my air pods back in 15 minutes this guy. There you go he's the wolf. Now Matt Wayne is a better friend, a better man

altogether. Sure, well he's not Jewish. I lose my suitcase, he's not going up, we're gonna go get that thing back. Right. He's going wow that's crazy and I'm sorry to hear that. Anything I can do to help, let me know. But, Monis. He's in, the boots on the ground there. He's like Elliot Ness, this motherfucker. Oh yeah. I texted him, he's like, you want me to get a plane ticket? I'll come find that thing.

He's one of the unfuckables. Yes he is. Oh, he's fuckable. He's got the, he's, this guy. Semantic good looks. He's a married man and a beautiful, hilarious wife, by the way the way very successful, but everywhere we go. He's like Kramer Really everywhere we go a girl goes. Oh my god. Aren't you cute? What's with your friend? What's his deal? He's six eight. He's got a full head of Jew hair, and he's got that that a wiggly mouth

Have you noticed got a wiggly mouth? I don't notice the wiggle. He's like too many teeth look He's got to me deep, but his lips go up and down, up and down like a radio wave. Woo! You know? Beep beep! He's not flat-linin'. That mouth is alive. Well, he's got beautiful dimples and the straightest, whitest, pearliest teeth you ever saw. I love straight and white. Big tall guy, and he's a... I'd suck him off if he'd let me. He's also not as immature as us. We're up here gaggling and blowing each other

and pushing each other into the bushes and he's like, mm-hmm. I'm a man, I'm over here now, I'll have a beer. Yes, he's a big straight shooter. Yes! Yeah, I told you, he won't talk about shits or farts. I've never heard him fart. Better than a school shooter.

I grab my ankles, throw them back over my head. Well, this is why Wayne is ultimately better. He's farting and Hell yeah, Luke I'm saying I go hey, I'm doing a deep cut of Seinfeld. He's like, what are you talking about now? Yeah, I don't care for comedy. Yeah. So anyways, the point is I Go to Kansas City. Okay. Going to Kansas City, Kansas City. Here I queef. Well, so I got the, what room was out there? Oh, the comedy club of Kansas City. Have you done that room? I never have. I go to the improv. Right. I did the improv once. I did comedy, Kansas City, whatever. They're both nice,

both great. I'd love to work them both, whatever. Sure. So we're going out to Kansas City. Hop on the, we go to JFK. Somehow I booked, I don't even know how I was booking the flight. Usually you fly to LaGuardia, from LaGuardia to go to Kansas City because it's Midwest, whatever. Sure. Somehow I booked from JFK to Kansas City, but then back to LaGuardia. Okay. So I'm leaving from JFK, which is much further. Now, JFK, typically you're flying all the way across the country or international. That's a big, big airport.

It's a hub. It's a big hub. So going way out there to JFK. That's a haul of a ride. I leave at six o'clock in the morning, yada yada. Go to a clear pre-check. I got my carry on suitcase, my toy, my backpack. Now you go in there, now everywhere is different with the fucking luggage situation now. Some places you just slide it on the thing, some places it's the big tube. Ah, the tube, yes, yes.

And then they shuffle the bags, it goes, there's like an automated thing, you know what I'm talking about? They pull it down. Yeah, it goes, and a lady would not you yet right this one first okay no wait hold on totally like okay I just wish we could do a uniform across the nation of course I would say the same for hotel showers I got nine knobs, 12 dials. I'm like, just give me a whoop. Yeah, and then the half glass. Ah, the half glass. Half ass.

Yeah, it's full. So optimism. So the JFK one, I got no line. I get there, you know me, I get there, I'm retarded early, there's no line whatsoever. Throw my bag, throw my suitcase. Now, here's something. There's a lady, a single ma,

or a mother who's just by herself with a lady, a single ma or a mother who's just by herself with a duna. And a baby. Now many times, I've got, for a long time, Sarah didn't have pre-checks. So I would take the baby and the duna by myself through the pre-check line. Because I'm like, hey, you didn't get pre-check, sister.

Yeah. I'll see you in there. That's your funeral, whore. And people go, you don't go with your wife? I'm like, she doesn't go get pre-check? You know what I mean? Yeah, where does it end? So anyway, so I've done the Duna myself,

and it's a pain in the ass because you've got to break the goddamn thing down while holding the baby. So I put my luggage on. I just saw a Duna too. So then I go, hey, do you need a hand with the Duna? I got a Duna, this is my son. Oh, good man.

And she goes, what are you crazy? You're a man, I don't even know you, you're not even with a baby, you're a psychopath, get the fuck away from me, you creep, I've heard your podcast. I know your vibe, you're friends with Louie, get away from me. And I go, okay, sorry, my bad.

I didn't even put that together. So time has passed, so I go through, off through on the other side, luggage comes out, here comes the backpack, here comes the suitcase, okay there's my backpack, there's my suitcase, got my suitcase, put on the suitcase, put on the backpack, I go to the Delta Lounge, I'm farting around, I'm getting some food, breakfast, fuck you, fuck your mother, fuck your parents. Do you like the breakfast in there or you prefer the lunch?

I don't like either. Why do we do it here? Well it's all fancy pants, I've talked like either. Why are we doing here? Well it's all fancy pants. I've talked about this. Ah, the highfalutin. Some of us are just white trash idiots that fell into success in comedy. And now we get to go to the lounge, but I'm a retard. I want a hot dog and some mac and cheese.

Sure, that does sound good. And it's salmon with kid come on it. It's fucking... That doesn't sound so bad. You know what I mean? It's lasagna kid come on it. It's You know, I mean it's lasagna with broccoli in it It's worse than the kid come. Yeah Give me a chick-fil-a for God's sake. I hear you. I hear you. Well, you got a brownie in there You got a cookie, maybe some ice cream. It's not even a chocolate chip though. It's like a biscuit with brisket or Whatever the fuck. Yeah, it's a biscotti with the macadamias and a hint to

sea salt and you're like, all right, just put a fucking tip ahoy up my dick hole. Exactly. So anyways, so I'm in the lounge, Matt shows up, I go down and meet him, we go to Starbucks, we catch up, we chat, get on the flight, take my bag, I put it up over the overhead. Sure. It's got to stuff it in there, it's a big bag. And I go, oh fuck. And also by the way, a couple times I went to the bathroom, I go, I gotta go take a piss.

So Matt, can you watch my bag? On the plane? No, no, no. On the lounge? At the lounge. Got it. Or at the terminal. Got it.

I go, I'm gonna take a piss. He goes, I'll watch your bag. Which I don't usually ask him to watch my bag, but he goes, I'll watch your bag. I go. Okay, great. You watch my bag He looks at his phone the bags over there. I go to the bathroom Whatever, whatever Come out. There's my bag get on the plane put in the overhead fly across the country get up take my bag off get off the plane We go to Cheesecake Factory. Of course. You guys are living the good life.

I know how to live, baby. Four cheese pasta, a Caesar salad, put that bread in my ass. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Go back to the hotel, I rub one out. Chicks with dicks. Yeah. Take a nice long hot shower.

Shows at seven, it's 6.15. Open my suitcase, and oh boy, it's Mickey. This is a fucking novel by Anne Hillebrand. Oh no, now you know it's not yours. I know it's not mine, which is it's so embarrassing to not have your suitcase, but to realize it's not yours because there's a novel in there, you're like this, what? And now at first, it's like a magic trick.

How could she be cut in half and there's no blood? I'm like, how is there a novel? So I go, maybe TSA. Like your brain, the first thought is like TSA. Put that in. They put it in, but I went, wait, there's no TSA. It's a carry on. So then I take the book and I go, what the fuck? And there's a pair of like purple and blue pajamas, like checkery pajamas. That ain't you. And I go, I don't have pajamas.

This is Bizarro List. Yeah it is. Is it a novel by a woman and colorful pants? Forget about it. No and then I find. It's just a straight porn. I find a piece of paper with a bunch of workouts on it. You know three push-ups, two curls, wall sit thing. This guy might be an upstanding citizen. So I go, okay, and this thing is folded up neat. I mean, my bag is, you know, hard hunks, inch by inch. It's dirty sock, it's a gray sock with a black sock, a white sock with an Asian sock.

A pamphlet, a Chris Rock tape. I literally had my coat, my big puffy winter coat right there stuffed in the fucking thing. So one half of the suitcase is just like a winter coat in there like this. Big coat, big coat. And there's like QR code. So anyways, so I start, I go, OK, this is crazy.

And it's like, it's very similar to when I got robbed in San Jose when I opened my trunk and my luggage was gone. It's that feeling of like, you're hit with the ice bucket of water. You're like, oh my God. And then you have all these thoughts. You're like, I have a show in a half an hour

and I'm wearing the dirtiest sweatpants. Again, we talked about it last week. Like the baby just wipes his nose and sauce and my own cum, I'm just covered in shit and sauce and my own cum. I'm just covered in shit and baggy sweatpants. Yes. A hoodie with baby snot on it. I'm like, I don't have time to buy clothes.

Right. I have no clothes. That's the thing about luggage. We all take it for granted. We throw it around. We kick it. We get sick and tired of holding it and putting it up. But you need it.

So it's so crucial. It's so important. It's all your shit. It's all your shit, so I go. It's all your shit. Okay, I'm fucked. I gotta figure something out. So I'm looking at tags, there's no tags, and I'm taking the clothes out one at a time,

and everything's folded so goddamn neat, and there's gotta be, and you're trying to be respectful. Right. And also, by the way, can I just say, it's an old man. Don't you want it to be a woman? I would kill the switch bags with a woman because you can sniff the panties, you can draw on the panties, chew on the panties,

put the bra on. Wear that to the show. Exactly. I still did all those things with this guy's stuff. Right, right. You're just like, damn, why couldn't there be lacy underwear in here? Yeah, and a dildo, oh my God, imagine the dildo.

Forget about it. So, I take it all out, I'm like, one at a time trying to keep it folded and nice and respectful, because I assume at some point we're going to switch back. But there's not a name, number, anything. Interesting. So I go, what do I even do? Could you wear any of it to the show?

Is that a workaround? Maybe could. I mean, he seemed fit. Didn't seem like big, baggy shit. You're fit. He might be shorter, taller, I don't know. Yeah, maybe, but I didn't think about it because someone else's clothes,

and I usually only do that with my wife's shit. Right, right, right. So I go, okay, I don't even know what to do. And the show is like, soon. Yes. So I call Delta, I'm Diamond. So I'm like, okay, I'll get on the Diamond Line. You get prepperable treatment.

Diamond Lane. Guy answers, he goes,. So I'm like, okay, I'll get on the Diamond line. You get professional treatment. Diamond lane. Guy answers, he goes, hey, what's up, man? This is Jerome from Delta, Delta, well, thank you for being Diamond. How can I help you today? Dustin Diamond. And I go, all right, this is, and you ever have this where you call someone

and as you're starting to say it, you're like, this guy's not gonna do it. This has nothing to do with this guy. Right. This guy's in Atlanta booking flights. That's a good point, but you can get the word out, and then maybe the other guy calls, and now we got a match.

So I go, yeah, I don't know, I flew to Kansas City in the suitcase. The guy's like, what is this? What's now? Right. I go, I flew to Kansas City, I got the wrong bag, I have a show, I'm a comedian, some old man's got my shit. The guy's like, yeah, I got the wrong bag. I have a show. I'm a comedian. Some old man's got my

shit. The guy's like, yeah, I don't know. I'll transfer you to something. Yeah. It just transfers over to some other ladies. She's like, hello. I'm like, what? I'm like, okay, this is no good. Dead end. Yeah. Thank you very much. Hang up. I got to call the airport. That's what I got to do. There you go. So I call Kansas City Airport, lost and found. I go, hey, did anyone return a suitcase? I have someone else's suitcase. Now I'm talking to a Kansas City person. Oh, they're nice.

This is like a chubby white lady with, you know, curls in her hair and reading glasses. Calling you a hun. Yes, exactly. She's wearing a, you know, Derek Thomas jersey because it's playoffs. Playoffs! And she goes, uh, hey, so, uh, oh boy, oh goodness, oh golly gee. And I go, I'm a comedian. So I got to show it. Cause sometimes you rarely drop comedian.

That's true. In this case, it's, oh, well, I'm on it. You know? So she goes, well, the best thing you could do is come back to the airport and I assume they'll be on their way back to the airport at some point, and you do a fair exchange. And so I give her my phone number, my name, I describe the suitcase, it looks like this, it has this, and she's just sweet as pie, and I go,

but you know, I gotta go to a show, so I can't go back there till later. So I text Matt, and I go, after the show, we're gonna have to drive back to the airport, which is like a 45 minute ride. And this is the one night we have one show. So I'm like, this is going to be great. I can go to bed early, but now you're like, I got to drive all the way out there.

That's out the window. Get my suitcase. So I go, okay, fuck. And then I got to hope they're doing the same thing. Yes. And how, what do you do at ballpark? You think this guy's 80, 60, 20? Well, I'm gonna say-

Did he have pills in there? No pills. He had a workout, so he's fit. Okay. So then, here's come some twists and turns. So now I'm like, alright, we'll head over to the club soon, but the other thing I'm doing, I keep checking social media

because I know I'm a public figure My thing has my punch-up live QR code with my name and picture on it. I got my shirts in there I got CD whatever shots. Yeah, exactly stack of my head shots and some properties. Yeah I got my rubber chicken. Yeah, my red tie arrow through the head. So I Keep checking Instagram and Twitter because I'm like someone will reach out to me That's good. I go to Instagram. I go to the hidden messages. I love the message. Yeah. Well, sometimes they could be good Sometimes it's just someone going. Hey you dirty piece of shit your hack fucking piece of garbage. Yeah, that's why I don't check So I go to messages Alex Gibbs hits me up, class of 2026.

Hey, Big Gibby. And he goes, hey, I think my parents have your suitcase. Parents? They just landed at SFO. And I go, well, that sounds like something because I got an old asshole's suitcase. Yeah. But I go, what's this SFO?

You mean Kansas City? He transferred. I go, he goes, no, no, I mean, SFO. We're in San Francisco and I'm looking at your suitcase and your stupid email list that no one cares about is in here. Right. He's like, what's punch up? Never heard of it. I go, Oh no, Kansas City. And you're thinking transfer. But I go, it couldn't have transferred. He was on a Delta flight with me. And there's no transfer. Kansas City, if you fly to, if you transfer, you're flying out of Atlanta, Detroit, or Salt Lake City. Not Kansas City. You can't tra, you can't connect? You can't fly Delta, Kansas City to San Francisco. Yeah, you know all the routes? Of course. All right. Well, you

got to go to a hub. Kansas City's not a hub. Ah, but it's the middle of the country, so it's a nice little drop off. Well, it would be a hub, but it's not a hub. You got to go to Atlanta, Detroit, or Salt Lake City, or Denver. If it ain't a hub, it ain't a hub. Ain't a hub, it's no hub. All right. So I go. I'm a hubby.

All right. So how did he get to San Francisco with my fucking suitcase? Because we just flew here. Yeah. And we just landed two. Yeah. And we just landed two hours ago. San Francisco, because the whole time I'm thinking it was in the overhead. He grabbed mine. I'm like, what are the chances both of our suitcases were identical above our head? Yeah. Well, it's going to happen. I mean, to me, me too. So I go, San Francisco,

what the fuck? And he goes, Yeah, he's in San Francisco. So now at the same time, I get a text from Alex Brazil. Remember showbriz? Oh, showbriz. He's a cute kid. He goes, I'm on the phone with an old lady in San Francisco said she has your suitcase, San Francisco. So I got so she's contacted my management company that they're on my website. They're watching my YouTube specials, they're giving it a thumbs down. That's another view.

So I go, okay, you're on the phone. He goes, can I patch you through? I say, patch me through. Yes, patch, patch Adams. Meanwhile, I don't think Alex Gibbs cared for me because I go, I see there's a UW shirt. Is that Washington or you went to Washington there? And he goes, oh yeah, I went to Washington. I go, I was at the Oregon Huskies game last year. He goes, okay Oh, I hate the okay. He's like, I don't he doesn't care. Thanks a lot, Gib. He's like you stole my old man's clothes He's sitting at my house with no clothes. It was an honest mistake. So Now I realize I Know what happened?

When I was in the bathroom taking a shit Matt Wayne left his post and they switched bags. This motherfucker wasn't looking at my bag. Thank God you didn't leave your kid there you'd be coming home with a black. So that's what must have happened I'm like so wait what happened so they were sitting there like it's like an 80s movie I'm like they took my suitcase what the fuck's going on here? What was Wayne doing scratching his ass? Well that's what I thought. I don't know.

He's crazy, I guess. That's a pretty good theory. A good theory, I don't know. So then I call the lady. The old bag? Yeah, so it's funny too, because it's a guy's bag, but you can tell the guy was like,

you call him, I'm not dealing with this shit. Right, easy, Elon. So I talk to the wife. She couldn't have been sweet. I mean luckily the sweetest lady on earth and I go, hey what's going on? I hear you're in San Francisco. She goes, yes are you in San Francisco? I'm like, no I'm in Kansas City. She goes, well what the hell are you talking about? You're in Kansas City, I'm in San Francisco. I left my heart in San Francisco. It's quite a twist. It's insane. It's like an M Night Shamalama. So I go, yeah well

okay I got your suitcase. I went through it, and it's nice, and thank you for finding me, blah, blah, blah. And I go, OK, we're going to have to ship the suitcases. I go, I got a show tonight. I have to go to FedEx tomorrow, blah, blah, blah. We have a pleasant conversation. She couldn't have been kinder.

It was very sweet. Dopamines and serotonin everywhere. And we're sure. Did you do a check? Like, hey, do you see any polka dot underwear with skid marks? I got a book by Anne Bancroft. Like, did you do any? Oh yeah.

Okay, okay. Well she goes, what was in the bag? This lady's watching us. Hi, how do you do? Keep it moving. Gotta get some curtains down. Yeah, we really do. Folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you,

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off all headphones to when you go to buycon.com slash Tuesdays. Buy Raycon.com slash Tuesdays. So she said, well, what was in the bag? Obviously it's her bag, his bag. I go, it's Ann Hillebrandt. Oh yeah, that's him. He loves Ann Hillebrandt.

He's the closet homo bag. I go, it's Ann Hillebrandt. Oh yeah, that's him. He loves Ann Hillebrandt. He's the closet homo. So I go, okay. So I go, we'll do the exchange. Whatever, I have my show. And she goes, we'll have to come see you sometime. I mean, it was just beautiful. Wonderful.

Wonderful people. I mean, the son, I think he hated me, but the mother was great. Son sticks. Which by the way, the son is like 22. This lady could be my age. Oh, weird. She could be 45 or she could be 75.

Yeah, yeah. You might be in with her. So, we hang up the phone and I realize we flipped bags at security. Ah. I was waiting behind for the Duna lady, but the backpack... This is the thing though. So they shuffle all the bags. Right. So my backpack came out and I though, so they shuffle all the bags. Right. So my backpack came out, and I must have been standing next to the Gibbs.

Wow, so it's like a three card Monte with bags. Exactly, and so what happens is, and everyone's like, well you gotta make your bag more noticeable, or put a tag on it. Right, they can say that. But my bag has distinguishing factors that I'm aware of, but it's all a big psychology psychological play here with the brain because you

only check the bag when you check a bag because now it's been in the hands of it's they're all coming down at once when you're going through security with a carry-on. You're like, well, I just put my bag right there. Yeah, it's coming right here and here it comes. You know what I mean? You don't need a system in the carry-on world. Yeah, you don't think so because no one loses their bag

with a carry-on. It's one belt. You lose it in the check, yes. So my backpack comes out, I put my backpack on, now my suitcase should be coming. Oh, there it is. There it is. A black Toomey.

Yes. Perfectly timed. Boop, grab that. And now I'm standing over here waiting for Duna Lady, like just in case she comes by. And so I'm standing around, and at this point anyone could go, hey, I think this isn't my bag. Right.

And I'm gonna switch, so I was there for a while. Didn't notice, the one thing I did notice. Ah, here we go. When I got on the plane, the lady was like, you might have to zip the extension. You know, there's that one that makes it bigger? Ah, yes, the little accordion. Exactly, and I go, huh, when did I?

I'd never opened that. Interesting. But my son, he loves zippers. He's always playing with the suitcase. So I go, oh, well, he must have unzipped it. That's all. I'm not thinking what. So I go, when did I unzip the accordion?

That's crazy. Right. And also I remembered, well, it was accordioned an hour ago when I was walking in the lounge, so whatever. Oh yeah. So that's where we flipped the bags. Wow, thank God it wasn't Wayne,

because you don't want that kind of pressure on your conscience. I know, I felt bad, because there was a moment where I was like, that son of an onion piece of shit. Of course, you can never use them again. So he was in the clear The nice thing is now I don't have to drive to the airport But now we got a FedEx and at one point this lady who I love very kind she goes. Yeah, I talked to UPS they said it'd be about 200 bucks to overnight the bag and I go 200 bucks. What are you fucking mind?

That's what the flight costs. So I got 200 bucks. I go to FedEx the next morning. First thing, 8 a.m. She asked for it to be overnight and requests. I go in there. The bag's 35 pounds, 600 bucks. Huh? 600. That's what I thought. I thought it would be more than 200, 200. It's crazy. 600. It's a 40 pound suitcase being overnight and across the goddamn country. I guess the overnight will get you so it's $600 wait, what happened the 200? Can we go back to that? No, they got that she got bad info. Oh Got it. Got it. So 600 bucks I go and it's weird being at FedEx cuz you're like, this is someone else's bag I'm telling the story the ladies like oh, that's crazy. Okay, boobily boop. So then put it on there get the receipt

It's five591. Oh man. And last week you spent eight grand at the fucking running shop. I know. So it's six hundred bucks, but I'm getting my suitcase back, but that's also gonna be 600.

So it's an even trade. I guess so. Technically mine was like $14 more. So I guess I should offer them 14 bucks. Well that Ann Hill brand added a few pounds. So, so then I go to FedEx. I'm talking to a lady in Kansas City. I go, yeah, San Francisco. Here's the address. Boobly boop, skibbity bop. Do it. It's eight a.m. It's eight o'clock. They just, I watched them pull the gate. Oh, yeah.

So I text the lady in San Francisco. I go, sorry for the early text. You're getting the bag tomorrow by nine a.m. Your husband will be all set. Father's gay. Now I go, I get my Starbucks, I go pick up Matt, I go let's get some breakfast and then as I'm driving like a movie I just glance down and do like a double take. I look, address San Jose, California and I go what? What's that mean? I look, they put the wrong city. Oh! Wrong sand. Oh, sand sand. So I go, what the Christ on Christmas, and an hour has passed, so I go cancel the plans,

they're sending us to the wrong city. Now if I spend 600 bucks and this goes to the wrong city, they're fucked, they're gonna have to drive 90 minutes to San Jose. That could be worse, but you spent the money, you should be able to get the goddamn city you want. Could be worse, and it's my responsibility. And we're going off of trust here.

This is the fabric of society, Jerry. I'm trusting them to ship my bag. They're trusting me to ship their bag. So I'm in the car going to breakfast, and I go, and Matt's face smacks against the seat. Yeah. I have to flip around driving, and I can, I literally see a FedEx truck being loaded.

There's a guy loading up the truck. I swear to God. Tase that motherfucker. So I'm running red lights, I'm driving over the sidewalk, hitting the bushes, I'm like Biff Tannen in Hill Valley. I'm going to come everywhere. Yeah, you are, home an act. I skid up, I hit the 18-wheeler,

I popped the tires so I can't leave. I like it. I come running in like fucking Marty McFly across the hood and I go, hey bitch, you piece of shit, you wrote Jose. It's not Jose, it's Francisco. Yeah, his name was probably Jose. So many sans over there. So I go, you got to put this in. She goes, oh, you're so lucky. It was about to go out. It hasn't left yet. The bag is sitting back there all wrapped up. And she goes, now I got to cancel that order, scrape that off, start a new one, redo with the whole thing,

boolly-boot, and she goes, make sure you give me the right address this time. And I go, you fucking piece of garbage horse shit, fat-titted asshole, I gave you the right address. Yeah, who knew it said Jose? What do you think, I accidentally said San Jose instead of San Francisco? I know Francisco, it's my bag, you bitch.

No way, Jose. So I smacked her around a little bit. I hope so. And by the way, it was a buck 25 cheaper to go to San Jose, so I go, hey, all right, now we're talking. Okay. That and a token will get you on the subway, so finally send the bag back out,

you feel like a million bucks. It's funny when you have a whole day planned, then something comes up and that becomes your day, and you still feel like you accomplished so much, even though you didn't do anything you wanted to do because you did this other stuff. Good point. So the next day, I get the message from FedEx that says, your bag should have arrived. I said, your bag should be here.

She texts and says, hey, by the way, I said, apologize for the early text. And she goes, oh, I know how to silence my phone. I felt it was a little unnecessary. I was like, all right, lady, I'm just trying to be friendly. I think she was letting you off the hook. Like, don't worry. It didn't wake me I felt it was a little unnecessary. I was like, all right, lady, I'm just trying to be friendly. I think she was letting you off the hook. Like, don't worry.

It didn't wake me up. It felt a little sarcastic. Okay. I was trying to be sincere, you know? Hey, sorry about the early text. Yeah, you're on the shit list too now, you old bag. No, she's great, she's sweet, she'll probably listen to this.

Alex Gibbs, he hates us, but whatever. Gibbs can suck it. Gibbies, we love you, go Huskies. Yeah, I like the cut of his gib. By the way, she's like, we should see a show sometime. I just happen to be in the, oh, this is the other thing Alex Gibbs said, I go, I happen to be in the, well that's the other thing, I'm flying to San Francisco

five days from now. Ah! I'm paying $600 to have my suitcase flown from San Francisco to New York, even though I'm flying from New York to San Francisco in five days, but it's 11 degrees below zero, so I need a coat. Need the coat. And all my pants, 100% of my pants are in the bag.

Oh, jeez. So I had to go do the show in dirty sweatpants. I come out, the crowd roars, they're, ah, let's stay, and you can feel them go, there he is, the trip. What the fuck? Yeah, what a hobo. I had to come out and go, the pants, I lost the pants, the very pants I was returning.

Yes, yes. I had to do a show in sweatpants. Then, the next day, I got to go out and buy all new clothes. So it ended up being like a $1,000 mistake. God! Dyeing socks, hoodie, underwear, pants, I don't have anything to wear. Ay, ay, ay!

So it was about a $1,000 mistake. They got their clothes, I got my clothes. Oh, that was the thing I was going to say. She's like, we got to come to a show sometime. I'm like, I happen to be in the thing. I was gonna say she's like we got to come to a show sometime I'm like I happen to be in the Bay Area next week and Gibbs was like, yeah, my parents want to see you now and I was like, well, I got the show out there He just wrote back noted. Yeah, this guy's Big second jizz. Well that every night in Sunnyvale. I went now the Gibbs is here

Joe Gibbs I got Gibbs on this guy. Well, the younger Gibbs hates me. The older Gibbs like me, I think. Then the lady said, well, there's a lesson here. You and my husband need to mark your bags better. I said, well, I think he grabbed my bag, frankly. I blame him. I do too.

Because it's my show, god damn it. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. But anyways, that's the story. I'm hog want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. But anyways, that's the story. I'm hogging. Baby back Gibbs. I had to get that in. I had to get that in. Not bad. I stepped all over you, but I needed to finish it. No, I was stepping. I was trying to dismount here. All right. All right. You better talk for 10 minutes straight and we'll have Ian fucking. Wow, that was riveting, exhilarating, layered, woven, thread, yarn, a pretty great tall tale. Well, we thank the Gibbs. Yeah, fuck the Gibbs. Barry Gibbs. Yeah, yep. Mr.

Gibb, that's a good root beer. Okay. Or is that Dr. Pepper? What is Mr. Pimp? It's a knockoff Dr. Pepper. Thank you. They called me Mr. Gibbs. Okay. What's that from? I don't know. Guess who's coming to dinner? No, it's some Sydney Poitier movie, whatever you won the Oscar for. Something else. They call me Mr. Tibbs is the real line. Oh, yeah. Is that what it's called? No no no it's Sidney Poitier people always confuse Sidney Poitier and Wallace Shaw I don't understand that one's black I know it's a joke okay one's like six foot seven and black from the 60s

the other ones four foot eight and Jewish from the 80s right inconceivable morons one of the great deliveries in the history of cinema. Oh yeah. So, I don't know if anyone got any of that section. That's alright. So, that was a great story. Holy shit. Classic indeed. Glad Matt Wayne's off the hook. Sorry you had to spend so much coin on these deliveries, but what can you do? $1,000. Oof. Whole profit margin gone. Yeah. Well well I made a little more than that.

All right. You never know. So. I hope you know. Who knows anymore? All right. So, you can see the Empire State, no, the Statue of Liberty.

Statue of Liberty right on my window, she's glistening, baby. Statue of Giberty. All right. That was big. Okay. That was big. All right, we're. She's glistening, baby. Statue of Gibbity. All right. That was big. Okay. That was big. All right.

We're back on the board, goddammit. The Gibbs' are gonna love this. If I know the Gibbs like I think I do, they are really gonna enjoy this. Except I think we mentioned baby cum at the beginning. Well, welcome to the show, Gibbies. Don't you picture that though? They're like, oh my god, we got a comedian suitcase.

He was so nice. We're gonna watch his stuff. Oh god yeah a piece of shit welcome to the Tuesdays world yeah it's not pretty no but we like it here the water's fine so how about this one go down I gotta I gotta this is this is a month ago now pre-baby go down to the Lafayette Street subway over here, the C train. Oh boy. So there's a guy, I'm down there alone, I got my pods in, I got my set to think about. Train shows up, there's a guy sitting on the subway stairs,

looks like Tyler Durden. He's wearing a leather jacket, like a crazy leather jacket with fur, a crazy colorful shirt, black and white striped pants, and crazy boots, like 60s rock and roll boots, like pointy. Ace Ventura. Little bit of that, but he's a hot guy.

He's got cool hair, he's got some stubble, he's got some tats. So he's got a little Tyler Durden look. Now the train door opens, we all file in. Hey, you know, it's Brooklyn, so it's a diverse set of people. Hey, you know, it's Brooklyn. So it's a diverse set of people. Yeah, it's cookie out here. Now this guy gets on the train and immediately starts going, wow. Yeah. Then he gets up on the seat and he's grabbing the pole. He's doing this.

Wow. Like, like a cartoon character of a crazy person. It sounds like me at a comedy festival when everyone's showing up. Right. Yah! He's that guy. And so you're immediately like, oh, this guy's on PCP, this guy. Because he's like wildly energetic, just hopped up, ready to go. And so you're like, oh, God, why does he have to be on this exact train car? What the fuck?

So you let him do it, and now he's in the mirror. He's in the reflection going like, ooh, baby, oh, yeah. He's making all these faces to himself. He's loving it. He's having time his life then there's a Heavy set woman of color okay on the train sitting there looking at her phone whatever and he goes right up to her like this Oh boy, now that's not the kind of people you want to mess with yeah, and he's like He's saying something to her. I got my air pods that I'm not listening, but And he's like, he's saying something to her. I got my AirPods and I'm not listening. But she's looking up like, this guy's gonna kill me.

This guy's crazy, what's gonna happen here? So I look at this guy to the right, kinda like that Dave Chappelle bit, where we're like, we gotta step in. So he's like, all right, and I'm like, all right. The two of us could take this guy, but he's so keyed up, that he could probably just kick us both in the face with one of these. Hi-ya!

And he could have a weapon or a shank or a cattle prod or whatever. Yes, he had a backpack. Who knows what's in there? So he's terrorizing this woman, and I look at the guy and I'm like, I think he's going to hit her, he's going to bite her, he's going to do something. This guy's nuts. So me and guy get up and this lady to her credit She goes what are you gonna do? Do it do it. I dare you do it Wow, and the guy goes ah Whatever and walks away and goes back to the glass and starts going So we sit back down this lady's my hero Then he's like swinging on the poles and jumping up and down,

he's doing back flips down the train, he's walking down the train, up and down, up and down, and he finally goes, you a comedian? What? And I go, uh, yeah, and he goes, funny stuff, and then keeps going. Wow, now you're with him. I'm with him, I love the guy.

I'm like, hey, you wanna help beating up this black lady? I got you, buddy. Wow, no kidding. Crazy, so even in his crazy hopped up stupor, he knew, he recognized me. And it's also crazy, because you have reached a higher level of success, because it used to just be the gays.

Sure. Guys with shitty beards, Right. And fucking Alice in Chains t-shirts. I'll take that. But now, because I've seen you with old businessmen, now you got the Cooke's. If you got the Cooke's, you're going to be hosting SNL in the next couple of years. I'll bet you 100 bucks.

Well here's the clinker. So now I'm confused. I hated this guy, I was scared of this guy, I want to fight this guy, now this guy knows who I am. He probably listens to this, he's going to hear this. So hopefully he's not living around this area. But he stands up on the seat and he's got his arms over the bar. Like that.

This is post-recognizing news? Yes. This is one of the craziest things I've ever heard in my life. It's crazy, and people are coming in the train because it's still stopping. And people are coming in like, You kept making all the stops?

He kept ringing the bell. So now he whips out a pipe of some kind. Whoa, it's all pipes. It's all pipes, like a crack pipe or a vape pipe, something, but he's like, now he's just tokin' on the plane, he's lightin' it, it's got the bubble goin', it's got a little bong on it, some kind of crazy glass pipe.

Now, he's blowin' smoke all over the train, and this could be fuckin' angel dust or fentanyl, who knows what it is. Earlier he was blowing it up your ass. That's true. Gladly, I'll take it. Now, the conductor comes out. He comes in, he's like,

what the fuck's going on in here? Like some old dude with a little conductor hat, choo choo. And he's like, what's going on in here? And the guy's like, mind your business, whatever. And now these two are going at it like an umpire and a pitcher and they throw them off the train. But the fuck with the lady, no one cared about. The smoking got him off.

Well, smoking's illegal. Chatting with a big lady, I guess, is tougher to monitor. If that was illegal, I would have gone to jail in high school Yeah Tuesdays with stories is sponsored by better help We're always hearing about red flags red flags about your partner red flags in your relationship groups What if we started looking for the green flags? instead deep Therapy can help you identify those green flags, practice them in your relationships

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box. Hachi machi, that's it, steal. Thank you, back to the show. But yeah, so, but he was like menacing. He was in her face like this, standing over her. God, that is terrifying. Well, that's good that he smoked then. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, and boy, shit gets real. Your body starts doing things when you're like about to, cause you start picturing like,

all right, I'll rip him off and then what's the other guy gonna do? And then you maybe get an elbow or a kick in the face. Who knows what? But this is what's scary about raising children in this fucking godforsaken hellhole of a city you got that right here you get on the train with the baby and you thinking okay we're gonna go to the zoo and pet the monkeys and then all of a sudden is a guy with a fucking tire iron and face paint yes at you here here and now your son just sees you as a goddamn piece of

shit cuz I'm like I don't care touch my wife's tits totally he screaming at you. Here, here. And now your son just sees you as a god damn piece of shit cause I'm like, take my wallet, take my kid, I don't care, touch my wife's tits. Totally, he was a white gentleman, this guy. So he was- Oh sure, well I could tell by the pants. The pants, the Tyler Durden, yeah, yeah. He had like a bit of a mohawk thing going on. So he was a kook for sure.

And I got to hats off to this fat black chick cause she did not flinch. Well, fat black women are scared of nothing. Nothing. They're the top of the food chain as far as terrifying and bad ass and You got that right, fatty. I mean, I wouldn't talk shit to a fat black woman

if you were like, here's $350,000. No. And she's, you know, her feet are duct taped together. Right, right, yeah. I'm like, ma'am, you're working hard. God bless you. If you're in the ring with Lizzo, just go ahead and tap out.

You know, I don't think I would recognize Lizzo if she walked into this room right now. Really? I know she's fat, but she's black is news to me. She's a black lady? Fat black with a flute. What? Fat black.

Yeah. She plays the flute? She plays the flute. That's what put her on the map. No kidding. It might have been a long sausage she was eating, but it looked like a flute. No kidding. Yeah. All right. I just remember the story about the thing because I was on We Might Be Drunk. She had, she hated, she made fun of her people. Oh, yeah. Or something like that. Yeah, she put bananas in her clam and they'd eat them. Is that true? Yeah, and everybody the whole joke was when she been near a banana. Yeah, she put bananas in her clam and they had to eat them. Is that true? Yeah, and everybody, the whole joke was, when she been near a banana. Oh wow, no kidding.

Yeah, yeah. I should have tweeted that. But yeah, so that was one kook. This is terrifying. By the way, I gotta take the Ford train home in about 10 minutes, I'm terrified. Well, three days later, I had this guy. We've all seen this guy. Now, nothing really happened, so I don't wanna make, three days later, I had this guy. We've all seen this guy.

Now, nothing really happened, so I don't want to make this a crazy story, but you know the guy on the train? He's playing music really loud, and he's crazy, and he's going, fucking do it. I dare you. He's talking to nobody. He's just staring straight ahead. He's like, I dare you. I'll beat all y'all asses.

Do it. Do it. Full volume. Just screaming. He's talking to nobody and everybody. Yes. So we're all kind of like, and one guy drops his phone just randomly. Just a guy sitting there, drops his phone. And so the guy goes, you trying to start shit? You want to go? You dropping your phone? Whoa, whoa. What if I take your phone?

And the guy was like, oh, he's like, I cut you. I'll cut all of you. I'll cut everybody on here. And I'm on the bar, you know, right on the end, the last seat with the bar here. He's standing here. So I'm just like, oh, God, you know, you don't want to make any moves because the phone dropping flinched him. What am I going to do? So he rode from the first stop I got on to my house, and it was like a good 28 minutes

of just him above me and I was looking through the reflection just keeping tabs on him but yeah that was it but it was like 30 minutes of just fear and shaking and like do I have to do something you know you the back of your hairs are up for 30 full minutes well a couple things please the other thing is if you move you're always scared they're gonna follow you yeah Yeah, what you moving? Yeah Exactly happened before but I you didn't think to just pretend it's your stop and move to the next car That's what I do

But then you got a word that they see you get to the next car I thought about calling out of that I always change cars I of course had that thought but then I had this ego bullshit where I go. I'm not moving right sitting here I'm a fucking tax paying cum guzzling twos gay. I got a right to be on this train too. You're not intimidating me. So I'm sitting here. Sure I'm uncomfortable.

Sure it's awkward. Sure I wanted this guy to be killed. But why should I move? Right. I'm finishing my coffee. Yeah. So I stayed on the train and I absorbed all that motherfucker. No, it's terrifying. I mean, I'm about to take the five train from your house to my house

and it's like three stops, but it's off peak because traffic's going the opposite direction. I'm going Brooklyn to Manhattan, the traffic's going Manhattan to Brooklyn. I'm petrified. I hate it. It's still somewhat early, but the night does not care. The night has fallen and it's quiet and it's all changed. When I was a boy, when I first moved here, I was like, give me the empty train. Right. Go to the back and you have a train to yourself so you can scream obscenities. Now I'm like, I want the packed train in the middle. Yep.

Fuck this. But the city, hopefully it switches back. I mean, Trump's deporting every Tom, Dick and Harry. That's true. So hopefully he scoops up all these criminals and shoves them in my asshole. Well though the word on the street and This is just a YouTube video I saw is they put all these cops down in the subway because Because the congestion pricing and the cold pushed everybody in the train, right? So the hobos go down there to get warm and then all the commuters are down there,

so now it's Bedlam. Well, I was in a cab and it was one of those like, 10-20, we give you the news and you give us 10 minutes, we'll blow you. And they said, you know, Governor Hockle, who I think because she gave a press conference, we talked about it, she was like, the subway's crime is down. And that day the guy lit the lady on fire. So she was like, it happened today? Fuck me. So I think she was like, all right, I got to double down, triple down.

So I think this is supposed to be cop, but that's at night. It's like 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. whatever the fuck. So I'm a goner. You can get stabbed during the day just as quick there, Hokel. Yeah, everything's flipping and flopping. I saw Mayor Adams is talking to Tucker Carlson.

He's like, the Dems turned on me and Biden made me eat my ass and all this stuff. And you're like, what's flipping and flopping. I saw Mayor Adams is talking to Tucker Carlson. He's like, the Dems turned on me and Biden made me eat my ass and all this stuff. And you're like, what's happening in the world? Well, it's all cuckoo and cuckoo for cuckoo puffs. But yeah, hopefully there's more and more cops and people. God bless the police, we love you. That's the other thing, everybody hates the cops. So the cops went, the numbers went way down.

No one's applying to be a cop. He's like, I don't want to be yelled at by a blue haired whore. Sometimes I think if it weren't for this podcast and all the times we've made voices and whatever. Sure. I think I could be the democratic answer to Trump. Oh, I can do it. I could do it. I like it. I'd come out there because this is what we need. We need a guy that says retired and homo and loves the police and the firemen, the union and America. I love America.

I travel all around this great country, and I'm actually out there. I'm in the thing with it. I'm in Ohio, in Wisconsin, in Massachusetts, in the towns, the small towns, the big towns, and I love the working class of this country. I'm a blue collar guy from a shitty town, the used car capital of Massachusetts. That would fly with these people. That's true, and your mom's a fireman, your dad's a fireman, your dog's a fireman. All kinds of firemen and homos out there, all mechanics and construction people. Oh yeah, you guys eat like trash.

I'm a Union white trash Irish fucking idiot. Wooee! And I swear like a chimney or whatever that saying is, I've been to Iraq for the war. Yes, the troops! I went to the troops, I love the troops, I love the cops, I love the firemen. He fought with the Taliban. But also, I like the homos and the blacks and I believe in taxes and taxing the rich and all that shit. You jerk off to trans-born constantly.

Absolutely. So I'm going to come out and go, yeah, well, and I agree. We shouldn't be talking sexuality to kids that are under fucking 12. But I think you should be able to be trans and married and all that shit. I like it. I don't want some male puberty person dominating sports,

but I also don't want them beating up and throwing off the Trump subway tracks. You got my vote. And you know, maternity leave and the unions and the work. And we got an AI, be careful with the AI. Yes, yes. Pro-choice, anti-death penalty, tough on crime.

I love it. I mean, this is all, you're hitting all my soft spots because, hey, we got to cancel that guy or we got to yell at this guy about a joke or we got to have a trans person to be your doctor for no reason and we're going to cut your kid's dick like he's Jewish. Where'd it go? Where'd all this come from? Right. Let's just stick with the old stuff.

Yeah. You ever see those old videos of Obama in 2011? He's like, get the fuck out of this country. If you're a Mexican and you're illegal, he's like, I'll come kick your ass myself. And you're like, you sound like David Duke now. Yeah, we hate the woke and we hate the woke and we hate the whatever, scoopily boops.

So, yeah, so I think I could do it. But I think the issue is the people who I would need to vote for me. They're going to listen to the podcast and I'm going, oh, suck my dick, hoi hoi hoi, whatever. And they're going to go, what the hell, this guy's a fucking neo-Nazi. Right. But I'm just kidding. Yeah, we equate jokes with neo-Nazism now. That's part of the problem. I know. equate jokes with neo-nazism now. That's part of the problem. So yeah, you can't have a skeleton in that gay closet of yours because then they'll go in and find all the retarded

kid fucking jokes. And here's what I'm going to run on. When you pay taxes and you got to pay your taxes, it's part of living in this great country, we give you a breakdown of exactly where your taxes went. Oh, that's big baby. How has no one done that? You pay $40,000 in taxes. Here's your pie chart. It went to this went to the school.

You got four grand to the teacher, four grand to the cops, four grand to the sidewalk, four grand to the thing. Love it. And you go, OK, now we're talking. Yeah, and hey, we'll go get some goddamn fire department in LA who aren't all big lez. But we need some good old fashioned Democrats who swear and like pussy and say retard.

Oh, put that on the ballot, baby. It's going to say list 2028, we say retard, but we care about people. We're empathetic to the human cause. I got it. We say retards, but we care about them too. Right. There you go. And the border, we got enough people. Because it's hurting the black people.

Of course, of course. Because all the people in cover of Mexico are taking all the black jobs. I heard those lives matter, supposedly, but apparently they don't matter. They all lives matter. That's what I'm running on. Well, we just lost Better Help again. No good. But no, I'm with you. I'm with you because it's all full of shit. I saw this, some kooky broad is crying on the Twitters because she's like, well, everyone's

getting deported. It's so sad. And you're like, we haven't even gotten started. By the way, Obama deported three billion the first 10 minutes of his job. So I'm like, why didn't you cry over that? It's all pipes. Oh, I saw that lady. That was Selena Gomez. Yeah, I think so. I don't know who that is either? It's all pipes. Oh, I saw that lady. That was Selena Gomez.

Yeah, I think so. I don't know who that is either. She's a singer? Yeah, why is she famous? She's a kid actor, I think. She's a Disney person. Maybe she was on Nickelodeon's shit list. I get them all confused. It's like Mandy Moore, and then Mandy's...

Mandy Moore! She's the Stu? That's Stu. That's Dinty Moore. Miley Cyrus, and then there's Taylor Swift. And? That's stew. That's Dintymore. Miley Cyrus. And then there's Taylor Swift. And then there's Debbie. And then there's Avril Lavigne. Debbie Harry.

Yeah, yeah. And then Madonna. There's a Lovato too. Demi Lovato. Demi Lovato and there's Demi Moore. I just hear Sarah saying these names. Right. And I'm going, oh yeah, big time.

There's Lord. What happened to Lord? Remember Lord? Oh, I forgot about Lord. Lord came and went. It's Lord Stanley. Yeah Yeah, Lord of the Flies sure sure landlord, and then this hot stuff. What's that big? I'm sure that was the one the guy got mad at me cuz I hot wings hot ones

Hey, he got mad at you that guy no no it was the guy cuz you've said hot ones And I was like what's hot ones and this guy wrote back you pretentious piece of shit You know what hot ones is and I'm like and this guy wrote back, you pretentious piece of shit, you know what Hot Ones is, and I'm like, I go, what are you, you think I'm trying to look cool by not knowing Hot Ones? Yeah, I think Stavros just did it too. And he's like, everybody knows that show, it's huge.

I look, it has like five million views, I'm like, that's 325 million people that haven't seen the show. Yeah, that's a good point. Or whatever, more than that. I don't know how many people are in America, I can't remember, I will when I'm president though. Yeah, I love it. List. Check that off the list. I'm trying to think of a good list pun here. List. Wish list. Happy list.

Christmas list. Birthday list. Schindler's list. Maybe list is no good. But, list and found? Hey, that's nice. This country is lost. It's Liszt-less. Oh, that's it. That's pretty good. This country is Liszt-less and I'm coming for you.

I'm going to do like a wrestling. We're coming down now. We're going to beat Trump, that big fat fucking idiot. All right, we're going to get him. Hit me with a folding chair, god damn it. And that's what they needed too, these debates where goes up like this. Are you kidding? This is insane What a fucking idiot. I know it's that easy fat lying in here. That's crazy. What are you talking about? I love it. You got casinos that failed in Atlantic City. Everybody hates you. We got stuff

I would say if I wasn't a debate I'd go just Google it everybody at home Google this right now. That's crazy Yeah, I think he just said Google it. That's crazy. That thing he just said, Google it. That's nuts. This is a big move, I like this. There should be more of that. What are you, nuts? Shut the fuck up. And they should go like this, we're working,

we're gonna have, we're gonna have, get rid of these union busting assholes, we're gonna pay higher jobs, whatever, instead of being like, we're gonna have 48 dicks and 27 vaginas equals 55 genders. What are you talking about? Who cares about gender? Nobody cares. Also, health care would be nice. You know, all we talk about is this and that.

What about the guy who just got shot in the back because the health care is so out of whack? And you could run on that. Yeah, I would run on the people going, oh, glad he's dead. I'd go, shut up, you fucking idiots. He was murdered in the street. You fucking morons. You're the other reason other people are getting elected anyways. Well, the insurance, the medical insurance is out of whack. And then the, uh, the fire people, they go, Hey, you got fire insurance in LA? No, those things, those houses burned. So we all left. So they're screwed. And the fire department was underfunded.

We got a fund all fund everybody. We need Taxes. There you go. Fire department, military cups, give them all the money, teachers, public schools. Yeah. Crazy when the left lost the unions, the blue collar, all the auto men, the welders. That was shocking. It's depressing. It makes me want to kill myself. But anyways, how much time we got left? Cause I got another crazy story. Five minutes. Save it. Save it. I'll say. Small one. Unless you got another small one. I got a very small one, but nothing on the dome. Let me think here. Let me see what Luke texted. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Luke. Oh, Stanford. What did the hold on, hold on. Luke, oh yeah. Oh, Stanford, went to the Stanford basketball game. Hey. Speaking of Democrats. Please. We go to the Stanford basketball game. You know me, I like to hit a sporting event. And I go, let's go out to Stanford,

pretend to be some smart guy. Though he went to an Ivy League school. He went to Columbia, that son of an onion. Oh, wee. He's got the dimples, the teeth, the height, and the Columbia. Wow, Ivy League, Jerry. I know, he's really something.

And he's hanging out with this fucking big idiot. Hey, well, feather your anal if he likes you. I actually think that would help, too, in running no college education. That's never happened. I'm running, I go, I'm not one of these elitist fucking assholes. I like that, I like that.

How about this? I didn't go to some Ivy League. I didn't go to any league. Yeah, and college is on the on the backslide, baby. We got Google. The bills are out of control. The loans. Fuck it. Go get a trade. You come, Stain. I went to zero college and I'll reach to cross the aisle. Who's Nick DePaulo is one of my closest friends in the world. Oh, I can't even see him. He's so far to the right of me. That's a good point. I talk to him all the world. Oh, right. I can't even see him. He's so far to the right of me. That's a good point. I talk to him all the time. Well, the division is so silly. Oh, well, that's no good because the right wing guy said it. You're like, no, it's still a great idea.

Just the right wing guy said it. Yeah, exactly. So I'll reach across. I'll go back over here. I'll go over there. I love, uh, you know, Stavros and the Apollo. Yes. Reach across the pedophile. I'm the man in the middle. Chuck's got me backed. Listless. What does listless mean? I think, you know, I might run into some problems because I'm very poorly educated. But I got wisdom. I think that's what they need. It's like, what's that movie with the other guy? Peter Sellers. Dr. Strangelove? No, no, being there. Oh, I remember that.

Yeah, it's like Forrest Gump before Forrest Gump. Yeah, he didn't know shit. They just threw him in. He was a retard and he solved all these problems on accident. That could be you. Yes, I'll try. So listless means lacking energy or enthusiasm. Right.

And so if you say America is listless, we need list. It's a double meaning. Yes, that's great. And you know what else I'll do? I'll bring back American pride, building the big buildings. That's what we lost, American pride. I know that's what Trump is running on in his own way, but you're like, we're gonna win the Olympic.

I wanna win things that palpably we win. Yes, yes. Tennis and soccer, We're gonna win basketball Gulf of America guns all that I'm gonna say we're gonna do so much winning you won't even know what to do Hell yeah, it's a win-win No, good there was a kid named Dave win spelled NG why you en and My friend my friend Jeff Welch said, it's a nguyen nguyen situation.

I've laughed my ass off. Yeah, it's a good time. Because it was pronounced win, I guess. I love it. Anyways. Winchester. Oh, we went to the Stanford basketball game and we'll walk around.

The senator from Oregon was there. Whitten, Senator Whitten. Whitmer? I think it's Whitten. Oh, that's maybe. Now, Whitmer's the lady in Michigan. Yeah. Witten.

Witten. W-H-I-D-D-E-N, I think. He's like 85 years old. He's from Oregon, right? Oh yeah, W-Y-D-E-N. That's it. W-Y-D-D-E-N. So, we're at the game.

I'm in the hot dog line, and Luke goes, that's my senator right there. My senator. Hey! He goes, I'm gonna say hello. And I go, well wait, we're in line. I'm getting some stuff. And then we never saw him again. He had floor seats, we couldn't get close to him. So I kind of robbed him of meeting his senator right there, my senator. He goes, I'm gonna say hello. And I go, well wait, we're in line, I'm getting some stuff. And then we never saw him again. He had floor seats, we couldn't get close to him.

So I kind of robbed him of meeting his senator. Who knows a senator? I've never seen a senator, heard of a senator. Well, you must know your state senators. No, I don't. Do you? Yeah, we got Liz Warren and. Oh, I've heard of her, the native.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, old Choctaw Warren. And then Flavid. Yeah, yeah. Old Chuck, Ta Warren and then Flavid. Yeah, you see Senator. I mean, look, Governor, Mayor, I'll give you. But what else you know? The Student Council and the janitor. The New York Senator, of course, you got

Hillenbrand. She was around. She's the writer. The writer. Yeah. And then there's a skoomomo's, I don't know. Senator Schumer. Chuck. Chuckie Schumer. Yeah, okay, there you go, that's a good one. Schumer and Hillebrand and-

Mayorkas, is that a thing? I think Hillebrand might be dead now. Mayorka, that's a place in Spain. Or a type of whale. Yeah, Orca. Mayorka's where Rafa Nadal is from. Ooh, he's sexy. All right, we gotta wrap it up. I gotta go home, I got a date. I got a hot date, my niece sexy. All right, we got to wrap it up. I got to go home.

I got a date. I got a hot date. My niece is coming over. We're going to see baby girl. That's a cute kid. Yeah, he's all right. Hey, you're all right. He's all right.

All right, so this comes out when fucking June of 2019. Monday after next. I think February 11th might be the day. Black history. That's what I thought the last one came out. I know you did. That was incorrect. Because you told me it was incorrect.

No, I said I didn't know when it was, and you were like, it's February 11th. San Jose. No, I said February 4th, and you said no, there's one already coming out. I don't know if there's one coming out. I don't know if there's one coming out. All right, well Valentine's Day,

and at the Dojo, Comedy Dojo, on Valentine's Day with Sarah Tallamah, small room, it'll sell out. Fun. And then March 7th and 8th, Smashville, my favorite city. You know how much I love Nashville. I think it's the best. Oh, I love oh what is it called the honky-tonk music city music city wait isn't that Memphis all right Nashville oh no it is yeah no the music city miracle Nashville

yeah what's Memphis then Memphis is boomtown blues Memphis city limits Bell that's a movie Graceland I'm going to Graceland. Wait I combined two different songs. March 13th through 15 Tempe Arizona. Can't wait for that one. April 10th through 12th of course Acme. April 19th the big one Wilbur Theater. That will sell out soon. Get those tickets. And then the movie will be out in theaters in April it looks like. Wowza. So that's going to be exciting. And then the Patreon is insane. Cooking.

You wouldn't believe it. So much video. We had fucking five weeks in a row of video vlogs. Killer. Primo content. And if you like the Asian voice, and you like to hear it right in front of it, right to an Asian guy. Yes, that makes it OK.

Yeah, I think so. I think that proves us. So that'll. Bang a gun. Yeah, you want to be on there. Yeah. All right, where are you going to be? I'm also in the Gashville, the music city at the Ryman Theater selling like hotcakes. So get a ticket. Then I'm in a bunch of casinos, Reno, Foxwoods in Connecticut, some other place in Connecticut, Funner California which is a real place and yeah all kind of coming to Europe, Scandinavia, Amsterdam, Dublin, Greece, Germany and UK, London all that good stuff so hey check out the website Punch Up. Punch Up Live baby. That is the best website on earth. You got that right, Fatty.

What do you got? C-Note. Memphis is the home of the blues. Thank you. And Bluff City. Bluff. There you go. Didn't know that.

Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, with Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. We're doing a big Valentine's Day episode this week. Listeners are sending in voice notes and we're answering relationship and sex questions. Ooh. Some sex advice. I like that. I'll send one sex advice from old Stinky Stain.

Enjoy it on funbearablepod.com. Thank you folks. We'll see you all in hell. Praise Allah.