Tuesdays with Stories! - #592 Or Forever Hold Your Queef

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

It's an all-time Tuesdays, ladies and gentlemen! Joe has a fight at the movies and Mark's dad has a fight at the movies! Joe gets obsessed with an Asian 9/11 Memorial tour guide, and gets into the WEEDS on his new weekly stand-up show, which has appearances from Louis CK, Raanan Hershberg, Dan Soder, Tim Dillon and more! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Visit https://www.bluechew.com - Get 15% off your Autoblow order with the code STORIES15 at https://www.autoblow.com - Support the show and get 15% off your Huel order, plus a free gift for new customers, with minimum $75 purchase. Head to https://my.huel.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me and I can't Oh! Momma! Here we are! We're back! We're here, we're queer, we're doing it up!

And we're back at the studio. We're back at the studio, lunch stuff for the 11th studio we've been to, Black Woman. Starting off with the BW. BBW, my God. By the way, you gotta come, some morning, some day,

you gotta come over to my place, we gotta walk around the mall, you gotta see these sexy ass business. I don't want to swear that we want to get demonetized. Seven seconds. These beautiful women. Ah, the cash. Because I'm in an office, a business park.

Sure. It's all black heels, knitted pants, or what? I don't know what knitted means, but you know what I mean. Pants, like lady pants like I am on. Sure, sure. A blouse with the unbuttoned button. White guy. I mean, it is hot.

Hot stuff. A sling back. A leopard skin. And then I got the baby. And now he's now a flirty. This baby won't get you anywhere. Oh, really? He's just sitting there.

He cries because I close. My baby's winking finger guns. He waves backwards. Whoa! He'sinking, finger guns, he waves backwards. Whoa! He's doing the tongue, la la la la la. Is he doing this yet? He could, I can teach him. Oh, teach him.

But the lady, you look over and I'm just, you know, pissing daisy, farting in the wind. I don't know what's going on, I don't pay attention to him. I look over and there's a girl doing this, the hottest girl I've ever seen. And I go, Adam, baby! So I'm gonna break up with my wife, get me a business lady.

You give yourself eight, nine months, you're gonna be swimming in puss. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. That's the plan. Why else would you have a little nugget? But I had a friend growing up, he brought the dog out. He would hire a dog for an hour, just bring it around town.

And he could rent a dog. And he'd bring it back to the kennel and go, not for me, but he got 12 numbers. I mean, imagine what a baby can do. I'm telling you today I'm sitting there and he's on my lap and I'm feeding him, I'm doing the old airplane with the eggs and the banana and then he points at every girl and they go, oh look at him, and then you're here because they can't fuck the baby i mean in videos but they can't fuck you know that's true and i'm happy to apply just tear those little

business pants all hillary clinton pants suit i love hillary she's a smoke show but you know yeah i hear you know i hear you watch out that airplane down there by the Freedom Tower, by the way. Woo. Did I tell you this? There's an Asian guy. No.

He does a 9-Eleven tour every day. And it's like, did we talk about this? No, no. He's got all these tourists and it's like children, but he's like intense. And this is not gonna be the old cartoon Asian joke. I'm retiring that. Wow end of an era bang-a-gong folks the the great wall is down. It's all over but uh big B.M. We so

sorry. And um so but he does so this is like a real impression of the guy he's like has this intense and he has like a color photograph you can walk by him every day at 10 a.m And I don't know what the name of that mall is Mmm, 9-eleven mall there every day Terrorism mall. He's got a big he's got a big Mecca mall. He's got a big Facing what is it facing Becca? Yeah, he's got a big like eight by ten by 10 color photograph of fiery world trade with the people jumping off. And he's like this. He jumped from 108 story.

I swear to God. I'm not trying to be funny. I'm not trying to be funny, but I'm giving you the truth. I believe it. And then he takes that to the next one. He's like, here you see the crash hit the building at exactly 9 or 2 AM.

Wow. It's like when C-3PO is telling the story to the Ewoks. Yes, yes. That's what it feels like. Right. And it's like, everyone's going to work with coffee. And then you see these like, I've actually put a post in a photo on JoLis photography

so you can see the guy. But it's every morning I walk by him, and they'll be like literally children in the tour. Because I think they all go, yeah, I'll take a tour with the Asian I don't know what brand of Asian he is. I think maybe Japanese Yeah, but he's like they jump from the tower here He is upside down the unknown man splattering to his death and everyone's like this. Oh Wow, well, we got to do a patreon and find this guy

tour Have questions prepared. This is fantastic. We got a Google. I mean probably Google Asian guy 9-eleven tour solo guy. He's always there Let's do it. I mean we got to go down there and you know what these guys hate because these Conspiracy or or or what do you call guys, if you make up a thing and go, I don't think it's real. I think it's an inside job. I think it came all the way from the top. They go, fuck you, fuck you.

And they panic, because this is all they have. So you can't tear it down. So we should go in there and go, ah, there's no Jews in the building. I mean, he might be a conspiracy guy himself. I don't know what kind of guy he is. Because he doesn't feel like, it's not a tour where you're like, and then the people passed away.

Like he's like, you can't believe the fiery death and business of the broken arms and legs, the spirit, whatever. I can't do voices obviously. I went a little Mexican there, but you get it. Man, we gotta, I mean, we gotta go down there. The Fleetum Tower, I'm down, we'll make a day out get it. Man, we got to go down there. The Fleetham Tower. I'm down, we'll make a day out of it, and I want to meet this guy and I want to take

the tour. He's funny. He's got a suit on. Who told you to put the bomb on? He's always got a suit on. There was a bomb on the plane. Same suit I was returning. Let's get down there.

Let's do it. I like this. Yeah. You wear the suit yet? No. Put on last night. It's up to... Look how it weights. It feels like the Peterbent tour where you give the guys $ no but unless like that's up to the wits it feels like it feels like the Peterman tour where you give the guys 699 that's

what baby Ruth and a tour that's exactly what it is it's the it's the you know Wang Chung Peterman tour I love guys that take their initiative they're like I'm gonna be this guy this will be my whole thing his wife's like will you take care of the kids we can't even keep the lights on he's like fuck you whore I'm doing a poster board you'd say kids no one take care of the kid on the hundred and third floor hey right he hit by airplane oh this is great I can't wait I can't wait to meet him I love it's not sanctioned it's just a guy it feels very unsanctioned are you finding anything over there, Chuck?

Uh, we'll talk after. Okay, talk after, yeah. A man, I don't know how you, an Asian guy. You find him on YouTube? No, I see him in person. See him in person. Live and in person. He's down there. We'll figure it out.

Yeah, I don't think it's on YouTube. I just walk by him every day. I mean, I have a photograph. You talk, you can see him in this one photo. I'm dying to meet clown zero and really get down there and yuck it up. And I want to know the facts. I want to know more about 9-11. All I know is the footage I've jerked off to.

I don't know much about the actual disaster itself. Oh, it was a disaster. Was it a terror attack with Flight 71? Flight 73. Whoa! Flight 93, there he is. I don't know who these guys are. They look like... These are Mormons, I think. the flight flight 71. Here he is. Flight 73, whoa! Flight 93, there he is.

I don't know who these guys are. They're just, they look like. These are Mormons, I think. Yeah, they're all in suit. Oh, Jesus, what the fuck did they just do? Whoa, man. And how much do you think it is? Or do you do it pro boner?

I mean, I assume it's 12 bucks. I don't know. I mean, you see this case? He's got like 50 color photographs in that fucking thing. That guy's filming everything too. Yeah, we'll film too. We'll get Chuck in there. Yeah.

And we'll tell him we'll make him famous. All right. I love it. This is big. I mean, this guy could pitch this to Discovery. But yeah, 9-11, Osama bin Laden, there was 22 guys. And four on each flight, I think, times four. That's 16.

What happened there? A couple of them got sick and called out sick, I think. times four, that's 16. What happened there? Well, a couple of them had, a couple of them got sick and called out sick, I think. There was supposed to be more. Smart move. I mean, if you're gonna call out a day, that's the day to do it, because that's a tough gig.

I think there was supposed to be 24. Six on each flight, six times four is 24, right? Yep, yep, you got it. So there was supposed to be 24, two called out sick, or got laid off, or something like that. I don't know. And so two of the flights said less people. That was the one that got taken down, flight 93.

Out there in spanking Pennsylvania. What's that called? No, what's it called? Not Reading. Starlet. Sperryville. Punxsutawney. Amsterdam.

What's that? Where's Biden from? Delaware. Scranton. Scranton. Itxsutawney. Amsterdam. What's that? Where's Biden from? Delaware. Scranton. Scranton. It's near Scranton. That's the office you're thinking about. I see.

Do do do. Oh, I'll think. Skanksville. Skanks. Shanksville. Shanksville. Shanksville? I think it's Shanksville.

Oh, that's Puerto Rico. Look up Shanksville. It says the Flight 93. Skanksville. It says the Flight 93 National Phil it says the flight 93 National Memorial is in Stoys town still they don't put because the crash is in the middle of nowhere I think it was in skanks town maybe the festival is yeah how do they not do it there every year thanks thanks Phil Orleans shaky town Shankstown? Fuck me. Shakerville. Shaker Heights. It's Shaker, Shaker. Shaker, shake the baby.

Where did it flake? How hard is this to Google? It's playing grass. I'll never hit a woman. Pennsylvania. I'll shake the shit out of her. Shakespeare. Began as an ordinary day, it's too much.

Began as an ordinary day. Just say where did it happen? Yeah, type in Shaker's Heist, Shakersville. It gave me the memorial. Next stop, Shakersville. Is it like in Shanksville or Shang- Shanghai? There it is. They jumped from Shanghai, 112 stories.

It's very high. Shakersville, Shakespeare. That might be the guy's name. Anyways, we should get rid of Zizi on the line. He knows all about it. He was there. Front row seats. I mean, the thing is it says Somerset County.

But Somerset County is a big place. I can do a somersault. I'm going to goot this up right now and fucking find a good thing on Wikipedia says the mission became a partial failure when the passengers for back forcing the terrorists to crash the plane in Somerset County maybe that's something and don't get me started on the Pentagon they went there too by the way be a Stoney Creek township Stoney Creek they did milk Shanksville. Shanksville. Yeah, Shanksville. Look at that. See all the little things?

Shanksville. I told you. Shanky. OK. Borrow in Somerset County. The plane nosedived into a field near a reclaimed strip mine in Stony Creek Township near Indian Lake and Shanksville. So it's Shanksville.

Shanksville garnered global attention during the September 11th. I know my Shanksville. Shankshack Shanksville. Yeah, Shankyankers. But anywaysville, shank shack, shanksville. Yeah, shank anchors. But anyways, yeah, Bin Laden, Saudi Arabian, he was upset about, because they think Iraq, they invaded Kuwait in 90. Sure.

And then we said, hey, we're on it. And Bin Laden, he said, hey, hey, you stay out of here. We're Saudi Arabian, we'll take care of this. George H.W. Bush said, hey, fuck you, We'll take care of it. They didn't care for that GW so he wanted to save Kuwait. We saved Kuwait. He does all he had a real claw in his hoof Yeah, Kuwait a minute. What was that little book? He was reading for the kids the Quran No, no, it was a little bo peep or something. Remember that they got footage of him. He's reading to Special needs adults. Oh Bush Bush. Yeah

Oh, yeah, W like the little boy in the retard. Yeah, Andrew card was the one that whispered who's from Boston He's a card. He was his card-carrying Republican selectman or vice president or buddy pal, whatever So Andrew card says that but which you know, Conquist has that great joke. He's like Literally George Bush's worst nightmare sitting in a classroom getting called on. Oh, that's great. And yeah, so there you go. The plane hit the thing. The other thing, 8 48 a.m. 903 a.m. Tomorrow we'll do Pearl Harbor. Oh, great film. Josh Hartnett. Oh, great film. Ha ha! Josh Hartnett. Oh, yeah, and Ben Aff. Yeah, that was a tough one. Less people died in Pearl Harbor. That sounds right.

I think it was 16, Hundo. Yeah. And 9-11 was 3,000. A little under 3,000. Okay. But yeah, it was a hell of a day, sunny day. Where were you? New Orleans?

I was in New Orleans. I remember I woke up hungover. I'll never forget this. I was in college, my first semester of college at UNO, soon failed out, woke up. My dad, I come downstairs, I'm hungover. My dad goes, something really terrible has happened. And my first thought was, oh shit,

I probably ran over my mom or I shit in the living room, drunk, I was blacked out. And I was like, oh no, and I was in a lot of trouble back then You know just being a cut-up and my dad goes look and I saw the TV and I saw two smoking buildings and I went Oh, thank God. That was no big deal. The car's fine. My mom's alive We're cruising I went to school and everybody was like, what are you doing here? There's no school and I went back home So it was a great day for me. I then you got to go back home. You're like, Oh my God, I just had to go out and get some thinking done. Yeah. Yes, exactly. And then we hit the bar. Well, I had this thought. I think I've probably told this before, but I remember when

Chris Farley died. Oh, I remember that too. In 97, my, my mother said, I think it was my dad and my mother. I can't remember. He said, no, no, I was in the car with my mother and I think it was my dad and my mother I can't remember he said no No, I was in the car with my mother and my dad was in the other car You know sometimes you're once coming once going so you talk to the window. Yes. Yeah, the cops do that. Yeah blocking traffic Does Joe know that Chris Farley died and I went what yeah, Chris Farley died and he nods and I go oh Chris's father. I have an uncle Chris. I was like, oh, Chris's father. And it was like that same feeling where you're like,

I don't care about that. Right. It's like. I'm getting choked up. So I had a moment where I was like, oh, maybe just my uncle's stupid dad died. And then they were like, no, no, Chris Farley. And I was like, ah.

That's worse. That was my 9-11. Yeah, I guess so. There you go. Wow, Farley. That was a speed ball and a hooker, I believe. That's a good way to go, I guess. Yeah, he had a good run. I mean, Wagon's East was no joke.

But other than that, he was ahead a good time. Yeah, there's no jokes in that. Wagon's West? I think it's Wagon's West. Maybe Wagon. That would be a little bit East is right. A little good of a narration, but I think it's East. Is it Wagon's West? I think it's Wagon's West. Maybe Wagon? That would be a little east is right. A little good a little oration But I think it's east. Is it Wagon's East? Is it neither direction? Is it Wagon's Up or Wagon the Tail? Wagon the Dog. Yeah. That's a hell of a film. Good movie. I like that movie. Ahead of its time.

But yeah, he was in there with Chandler. Yes. Matthew Perry. They both died of drugs. Oh That's terrible. That Chandler one bummed me out. I'll be there for you. What's that? The movie's called Almost Heroes. Oh, jeez. We were way off. But there's a Wagon's East.

Ah. What's Wagon's East? That's John Candy. Yeah, that looks right. And the other fat guy who died. Both hilarious. Yeah, it's a comedy. Yeah, John Candy.

There you go. So you've got a fat guy. Richard Lewis as the second cast member. That's right, Richard Lewis. All dead, by the way. Everyone we just mentioned is dead. Holy shit. Isn't that weird?

Yeah. How about this? I had a moment today that made me feel like aging. I was at the Wonder, the playground that you went to. Ah, I love the Wonder, great ball pit. Well, this is the thing. There was a lady, I was there with the boy, and then there was a lady, a hot lady with a baby, and she goes, I'm a first time grandmother. She also was

Asian. She's like, I'm a first time grandmother. And I was like, oh nice. And she was hot. And I'm like- The hot Asian? Yeah. Okay. And I'm like, you're a first time grandmother, I'm first time attracted to grandmother. I have now reached an age where I'm like, I want to fuck this granny. No, you've been attracted to granny before, you just didn't know it. I'm sure there was

a Puerto Rican out there who had 19 kids, she was 21. I'm sure you were, there's some hot grandmas. Mike, that's a little racist and that kind of humor is a little broad. I mean, I don't, you know. Sorry. I just think, I think you've gone too far this time. I'm just saying, we were accepting of old whores. Absolutely, yeah with the tennis balls and whatever. Oh, give me a catheter any day. Well that's the thing, I mean Sarah will be 47 in April, but there's grandmas out there that are younger than that. Yeah, of course. And very hot. Of course, I mean how many, I met a guy, his mom had him when he was 14. She was 14. And so I was like,

wait, wait, what's that guy's name? He's a Demetrius Russell. He's a football player. His dad is, oh, no, no. The dad was a Karl Malone. Oh, nice guy. Karl Malone. He tried to bail out. Then his kid, he bailed out on the kid. The kid becomes an NFL player and he goes, I love my boy. Good to see you there. I taught him everything he knows.

Bail man. But the girl he fucked was 13. She had a kid at 13. Right. Give that a go. I hope I'm not outing you, Carl. No, yeah, it's out there. Carl's not a great guy. Leave him alone. He also openly was like, I'm not playing with magic.

Fuck that. He's got AIDS. He's a homo. I don't care about him. Really? Yeah, he's like, keep that queer away from me. I think he hates the gays, loves the young girls, didn't want to play with magic. But the magic thing, though, 1991, you're like, if I elbow him, didn't want to play with magic. But the magic thing though, 1991, you're like, hey, if I elbow him, am I gonna die in a couple weeks? Remember in Philadelphia when he's like, I have AIDS, and he put his hand out,

Denzel's like, ugh. Yeah, he goes to the doctor. Right. The doctor's gonna test him for AIDS, and he's like, get out of here, I ain't no motherfucking homo. Uh-oh, what he got on Malone, the mailman? It looks like he impregnated a 13-year-old girl.

That's what he said. I think he was 15. And he was 20. No! Okay, I mean no. Seven days. Come on. Sure she doesn't have child bearing hips yet or pubes, but that's you know. She's able to reproduce. He said I don't care, that's my life, that's my personal life and I'll deal with that. Like I've had to deal with everything. Well everything, that's such a weird excuse Hitler could say that's my personal Life it's my hobby killing Jews like what does that mean? I'll deal with everything. I gotta pay taxes I got a fucking 12 year old. What do you want me to do my personal life? Well, he's the son of an onion, but hell of a ballplayer he could really

Yeah, he brought it to the hole 13 year old hole now speaking of, we talked movies for a second. I got a big tale for you. I think the ending is going to be disappointing to everybody. Please. But I, this is one of these things that happens and you think I got to take this old down to Marcus. But it right my asshole and spin it around. I can't wait. I'm going to pump you full of cum. Hey, nice looking white lady. Hey. All right, OK. Wow, that's a first.

Yeah, she was cute. By the way, I was praying that the door was unlocked. I was out here. I just heard a guy being like, I'll fuck you up, motherfucker. Get the fuck. He wasn't talking to me, but he was talking to somebody. But it's always scary when someone's about to fight someone else, because if they see you looking, they're like, what the fuck?

You next, bitch. Yes, yes. Sometimes they'll team up. Yes! They'll put aside their differences and then they both beat you up. Right, it's like when the hyenas are attacking a lion, then they start fighting. Exactly.

They're like, who are you looking at? You ain't lying. Uh-huh. Roar. Yeah. Oh boy. We don't have to kill ourselves. Ah!

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to get 15% off your purchase. S-T-O-R-I-E-S-15. That's autoblow.com. Code STORIES15 for 15% off. Or buy it as a gift. It's the ultimate gag gift. So, anyways, I go on a nice hot date the other day. Nice. And it was a hot date. We saw Baby Girl. You familiar with this film?

Oh, did I see Baby Girl? I had to put a towel down. Did you see it? I did. put a towel down did you see it I did what you think I liked it I thought it was a little fluffy like nothing really happened it didn't go anywhere I didn't think but it was interesting oh I was fluffed up there that I think it's a fun film have you seen Chuck's seen it four times it's all about actually being sexually weird and trying to figure out your weirdness with another person. Yeah well first of all Nicole Kidman is about almost 60 years old. Yeah and she's thin as a as a North

Tower. She's hot I mean I am into it she's got that high ass she's tall and lanky like me and has nice little nipples like me. Yeah she looks a little like you. She's got a tiny little waist although although she's almost too thin and fit. You feel like you pluck her and she'd bang. Oh, I'll pluck. I mean, it's just hot seeing a woman you know. This is what I always talk about. You don't know her.

You're familiar with, already familiar with. Like, she's in all the things. She's in far and away, and I might be gay, days of thunder, and... Wise wide anal. Oh yeah, and then the stupid TV show that I hated. Oh, fat little bitches. Yes, exactly. Big little secrets or lies. And, uh, Wise Wide Shut.

Yep. I have a theory on this film because she's 59. I think so, something like that. Australian, I believe. Yeah. Okay, so she's 59, so now she's bearing it all. She's tits are out, she's in a broad panty, she's fit as a fiddle. These old broads, they want to be hot in the,

they got 10 minutes left of hotness. So they're like, here it is, I'm putting putting it all out there it's the same with these old dudes who have to be action stars right at the end liam neeson and tom cruise and uh the the what's the bald guy statham they all gotta go ah i got eight minutes left before my knees give out my back hurts i have no hairline put me in a fighting movie well they're fighting back, they're trying to beat time, the undefeated time. And women do it with hotness. Women are like, I'm still sexy, yeah I got crow's feet and a fat ass, but I'm here. But they try, they also, they always give interviews like, wow that's the only way to

get acting roles, and I need to do that, and you're like this, yeah no one's asking you to get naked, I'm thrilled you're naked. Sure. I guess the director's asking you to get naked. I'm thrilled you're naked. Sure. I guess the director's asking her to get naked. She signed up. You signed up and I just thought it was a fun film. But there's also this, when you talk movies, it's always important to scale it with the way you see it.

Because I saw it with a babysitter, with Sarah, a night off, my niece watched the baby, we walked to the theater, and then you got your popcorn and your candy. I haven't been to the movie with my wife since 1985. It's a treat. And then we had the leg up thing. It's a Wednesday night, I'm off, the phone is off, the baby's asleep, so I could've watched fucking,

I don't know, Chuck masturbate to one of his wives. Terrible film. And been into it. Right, right, that's what it is, it's a night out. It's kinda like when people go, you don't like techno? And I go, I hate techno, and they go, you pop some molly, you gettin' your dick sucked, you hear the techno music, I'm like, wait, wait, wait,

you're adding all kinds of extra elements You know, you got the feet up you got the night off. You got a babysitter. That's why the techno sounds good It's not the movie. Well, this happened to me and maybe I told the story before but I was in Fort Worth Which is you know, lonely city. No, I know your worth. I didn't bring an opener So it was just me. I woke up at like eight in the morning went for a nice long run like a four and a half mile run. Love a run. Sat down at Starbucks had my morning tea, listened to a set, wrote for about a half an hour. Wow. Then went and saw a movie at like 1040 am. The new Batman. The Batman. With Robert Patt. Yes. Yes he's hunk. So in my mind I'm like I, I'm by myself. I've already worked out.

Sure. I've already written. Yeah. I'm alone in Fort Worth. I'm the only one in the theater. I am going to enjoy this. I got nothing to do all day. My checklist is done.

And I'm like, this is the best film I ever saw. Exactly. Exactly. Then I'm in Aruba with Aruba Ray and my wife. It's a rainy day. So I go, hey, why don't we just go see Batman? I saw it, it's the best. I'm over there with Sarah and Ray,

and they're like, this sucks. I'm like, this is the worst thing I've ever seen. Exactly, it's a piece of shit. So it's all pipes, Jeremy. Yes, you got that right, Fatty. It's pipes, it's not lunch. It's bad news, it's about the environment. So yeah, you gotta go in with a fresh head.

This this baby girl. First of all, none of this would work at the Me Too era. He's like closing the door and he's like, you're going to kiss me, you fat bitch. And she's like, you got it. And like none of this would fly. She's way above him in management. Well, but I think that's the point, though. It has to be the Me Too era

because it's got to be me me too error because it's got to be me too because that's the whole boosh of it the whole hotness is the whole thing yeah that's the whole that's what makes it so crazy it's a well it's just a flip they just flip everything they flip everything the woman does it to the man hey right right but he was the aggressor oh he's aggressive very aggressive and it just it just wouldn't fly and I't know, I felt bad for the husband. Who knows? Call in. Antonio Banderas, which by the way,

she's dating Antonio Banderas. He does nothing for her. Now she's dating young Andy Hayes. Some 20 kids, exactly. Hitler Youth. Antonio's way hotter. So hot. But I thought the movie was hot and fun and a good time.

Now let me get to the story. That was all just fluffing on it. I don't want to still run on his job. But no, he got fired. He's out. Oh good. Smart decision. Hopefully gets deported.

I think this is actually cum on my pants. If I remember correctly, I think it is. So we're in the theater, and there's not too many people there. By the way, Karen and Drew were're over there they're sitting over there which we drew Alabama drew Montana ah wrong state now what do you make of this move by the way so we want to go see the movie I want to see baby girl I want to get my wife all chubbed up and sure get her horny is she into the guy the

twink in the movie I don't't know. Maybe she doesn't say much about it. I don't think that's her type. I think she likes more of a older man. Bad teeth, glasses, large, uh, cranial. Yeah. I think she likes that kind of a lacking jawline. Yeah. Yeah. Like bone structure really. Who does? But so, who does? So I go, I want to go see the film, whatever. So I text Karen Fiehan, wonderful Karen, we love you, you're the best, you're number one. I go, hey, what do you got tonight?

I'm trying to see, maybe she'll babysit. Yeah. I go, hey, maybe see if you can come over, just watch the monitor, he'll be asleep, we want to go to the movie. She goes, oh, well, I got Drew coming over but the movie sounds fun. We'll go to oh That wasn't an invite you crazy coos. I go so now I'm on a double-deck. I tried I'm asking you a favor And now I got a double date. Oh

Boy, she flipped it on you. I don't flip a roo. So now I gotta go back to my wife and be like, yeah It's a double date. We're going with the 20 year old boy and a 50-year-old woman. A 50-year-old porn star. Yeah, she jiu-jitsu'd you. She used your task and flipped it into an invite. It's like being like, hey, can you babysit? No, I can't babysit, but I'll come with you. I'll ruin your day. Exactly. Instead of helping my date, you ruined my date. Right, right. She got you good there, Jerry. Did you pay for her too? Oh my god. No, she's a millionaire All right Also, we didn't end up even going because I had to put the baby down

So then the movie started at 720 the baby goes to bed at 7. Mmm, so I'm getting like the where are you? Where we're doing our own? We have a child so that was fun cuz they were over there and the seats filled up and I'm walking up the aisle And I do the thing and you see them. It's Drew and Karen. I do the trip Stairs and that was fun. Classic. Had a big guffaw, that's nice. But anyways, we met back up after and talked about the film.

Drew hated it, I liked it, my father's gay. Well the problem with the, you got plenty of time with the movie because these theaters now, they're all going away, like they're all, they feel like a relic of the past. It's like Betty White, they're just slowly dying, we're trying to hold onto it, but it's like Biden, these theaters, but they're all empty,

and the previews are six hours long. It's crazy. There's so many previews that you're like, no one is going to the movies anyway. What are you previewing to the eight people in here? 20 minutes of previews, but worse than the previews, because I like a preview. I don't mind either.

I'll sit and watch a preview. Even worse than the preview is the previews, but worse than the previews, because I like a preview. I don't mind either. I'll sit and watch a preview. Even worse than the preview is the preview ends. You go, here we go, and it's a fucking Coke on a roller coaster. Oh, yeah. And then it's a popcorn on a torpedo. Right. And you go, what the fuck is that?

That ends. Then it's Nicole Kidman going, hey, do you want to help a retarded kid? And I go, no, not really. Right. Well, that's when I get hard. That ends. And then it comes out fucking Esmerella Bad Badilla who's got a new show on Family Fun

or whatever it is. Oh, Family Fun. Come on, what are we doing here? I'm like, just give me the movie. Yes! I do like this one. You go to the Alamo Draft House, one of these places. They are hardcore on the, and if you're talking, you're the bad guy.

How about you, shh. I love that, because you go, hey, can we play this in comedy shows? What are we doing? No one's telling the hecklers to stop, but the movie people, they're on it. Well, so here we go. Oh, shit. Now here comes your story.

I think we're about 48 minutes in here, but. I'm on the edge of my anal here. Here comes the story. We're sitting in the movie. We're up the back left. I like an aisle because I might have to piss or shit or run out and kill myself. So watching the film and there's three young women.

When I say young, I mean about 24, 25 years old. All right, I'm into it. Nah, they were fat. They're worthless. I see. So they're sitting in front of us. And every once in a while, the girl all over, I just see this pops up and a little scroll act, not a text, but a scroll and holding the phone up here, not

one of these bad form. Now I got to tell you, I, and I'm going to come clean. We have a babysitter, my niece, the baby. So every, Oh, I'm going to say a half hour, three times a movie, I put the sweatshirt over the thing and do this down here to see if she's texted to make sure I have no text. That's fair. I open it, I look like this. I'm covering the phone. It's at the lowest brightness setting. Yep.

Under the shirt, no text, great. Back up here. No harm, no foul. What are you going to do? Not one single person. I'm also on the end, so nobody's there. Right, right. Now this girl, she holds her phone right up here and it's stadium style. So, but I can see the top third. Ah, so you get the time. And it's just scrolling, not texting, not checking something, reading a fucking article scrolling Wow, so I let it go my heart's racing. I go. Okay. I got it I gotta stop being this fucking lunatic detach

Let me just try to look best but the theater is all black and there's the big not the people It's better Park City sure they don't love blacks in there. It's all Pipes it's all are it's dark and the screen, and then you see this little fucking light right here, and it's distracting. Your eye goes, what is it? Of course, of course. And of course I'm like, how?

How is this possible? How could you be this rude? Even if you need to look at your phone, fucking do, make some semblance of like, I'm doing this. Yeah, and I wouldn't want the guy behind me seeing my phone Eve selfishly like look it's one thing to be considering go down here But if I would also go oh shit that guy can see my text and my dick pics. That's what I don't understand

I'm fascinated by this this happens to it on the phone. They go. Yeah, so we're gonna buy sell talk about Homes is gonna book and boo-boo, and I'm like this, I'm ashamed of everything I've ever said in my life. I know, exactly. Every podcast, I hear a clip of the podcast, I'm like, oh my God, we should kill ourselves. Why did I say that? These people on the phone just talking like. I know, what kind of world is that?

And then you go, hey, hey, and they go, I'm on the phone. Like, oh, you're allowed to do anything because you're on the phone. That gives you the right of way. I'm like Polly from Goodfellas. I don't want anyone hearing what I have to say. Same. I talk on the phone, I'm like this, oh my god, okay, that sounds great. I'll see you later.

It's wild. People will land on a flight, they'll land, they'll go, hey, Ricky, Bobby, Susie, we're going to be there, we just landed, and we're going to be there. You want me to pick up that chicken thigh? I'll get on that. You're like, whoa, I know everything about your family now. It's nuts. Then there's people that do it speakerphone. I can hear both people talking. I'm like, this is crazy. Crazy.

So anyway, she's scrolling, does it for a minute. My heart's, I'm like, I'm going to say something. Sarah's like, please don't. We're like that couple now. Yeah, yeah. She's like this, come on, just let it go. I'm like, it's OK, I'll let it go. And does it every, oh, 20 minutes or so.

And what I did was I tried to be a good person I slid down to lower myself so I can't see you took matters in your own I go let me age because I don't want to make a seat so I'll just do this so I'm sitting like fucking you know a fifth grader waiting for the bus man spreading so finally towards the end of the movie and she she's doing it again, scrolling, and finally I go, I can't, and Sarah's my arm, and I'm like, I do this move. Oh, damn. And I just said, excuse me, could you put your phone away?

It's distracting and rude. Oh, boy, I can't wait to hear this ghost. Oh, there's nothing to hear, she does this. Oh! Finger in the face. Mamacita. Finger in the face, behind her head like this. Like I'm back here. Aye, aye, aye, aye.

She does this. And I go, oh yeah, fuck me. Fuck me. Wow. That makes sense. Fuck me. You're the bad guy. That's, and that's the thing with these people these days.

This happens to me all the time. I've had this driving too. We are at a fucking green light. Yep. And somebody walks in front of the car, so you honk, and they go, hey, fuck you. Right. Fuck me.

You're in the wrong. Why is your reaction not, oh, Jesus Christ, sorry. I know, I know. Like, if I, at any age, when I was 10, 20, 30, 40, if somebody was like, can you put your phone away? It's distra, I'd be like, oh, Jesus Christ. Same, same. Oh, my fucking word, I'm an idiot.

I would be laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, being like, I gotta find that guy, I gotta find his name. Of course, I gotta set up an edible arrangement. I'm a piece of shit. I'm with ya. Gives the finger to me in the face. Wow.

And it was George, there's the other thing, she's like, on screen, it's like Nicole Kidman is like jerking off, thinking about being fucked by a dog. And Sarah's like, that's such a funny time That's great. I'm trying to focus over here I can't believe you enjoyed the movie because after that after the finger I would just be Fuming ruminating. How do you get your back? How do you piss her off? How do I deal with this? I wouldn't be able to enjoy Nicole Kidman's nips. Well, this is towards the end

There's only like 15 minutes left in the movie, but thank God wasn't easy But you have to go like it's hard because I have the thought like I have popcorn I could dump it on her exactly exactly ahead, but then you're a public figure UPS oh Crackhead hunched over crackhead that is quite quite a sight. What can crack do for you? I thought that's what I saw for the people at home. There's a man walking like that. He looks exactly like this. Yeah Wow, oh He kept going. I'll get that he was making good time for a guy on track. He's on the stoop right there

Oh good. Well good stoop choice, sir. What's he doing? Give me a full play-by-play and I'll tell the audience All right. Well, don't let him see you because if he sees the microphones, he's going to want to tell his story about 9-11. Now he sat normal. He's sitting just like this, like you would on a bench. But I was surprised. I thought he'd be sitting upside down. Well, that's 90 degrees still. I guess he was like this and just kind of went like... Exactly. So he's in the same position, technically. He full corner that guy's in tough shape yeah yeah well what about the exiting because the lights do have to come on now you see the the broad the exiting this is what ruined my night the exiting happens and now movement of

people so Sarah says can we just kind of like wait because she doesn't want to happens and now the movie ends. Exodus. Movement of your people. So Sarah says, can we just kind of like wait here? Because she doesn't want to have a whole thing. It's not like we're going to be a fist fight. It's three women. Yeah. But I'm like, okay. And then they kind of go, because in reality, this woman, she's giving me the finger, but

she now has the feeling like, oh, God. You think so? I do. You hope so? I do. You hope so? I think there's some part of her that's like, there's a person back here who's, cause she knows she's in the wrong. That's why she reacts this way. She knows she's a fucking asshole.

That's it's shame. And she can't just take it so she has to do a fat, by the way, I'm like, it wasn't even like I was like, hey, you fat cunt. Sure. I said it's rude and distracting. Right. Which by all fucking measures it is. Everyone knows common

knowledge, no phone out the movie, and if you do it, you do it discreetly. It's insane. So anyways, we stand there and I'm like, what should I say? And I wanted to have just a genuine conversation, like I'm so curious as to why you thought you should give me the finger. Of course. I want to have a dialogue, but then Sarah's like embarrassed, whatever, we're having a nice date night, I'm trying to get laid, and then Karen and fucking Drew are over there, so I'm like, let me go talk to them. I'll go down there, I'll talk to them.

And then we ended up chatting, and then we met up with Sarah, and those three, by the way, the three women waited to like the end of the credits. Whoa. So I think they were like. Embarrassed? I think her friends were probably like, what are you doing?

I hope, you might be giving them too much credit, but. I don't know, I mean the fact that they waited till like the very end, cause we all went to the bathroom and came out and they still hadn't come out. And then we were going down the escalator, they finally were like coming down. Maybe they have a friend they wanted to watch

the fucking credits or whatever. Sure. At least, staring at us. That was a bad look like this Yeah, that was a bad be a resting bitch face there and personality people that just have this face It drives me crazy. I'm like crazy. You want to go up to him with a mirror and go this is you Yeah, just putting out in the world just a squinty Yeah, that was a pusher. Pusher T. Wow, I've been there. I had this one.

Hit me. Now, maybe you're rubbing off on me there, sloppy jalopy, because I was out with the lady at a lunch spot. There was a bit of a wait. It's cold out. They go, hey, it's going to be like 20 minutes. I go, all right, 20 minutes. We'll do a lap, whatever. So we're out there with a couple couple people outside this restaurant. There's a lady in her car sitting there, cars on, she's texting, whatever, right on the curb, and she opens the door, boop, throws out a Gatorade bottle,

and it just, bap, bap, bap, bap, right on the ground. So I'm like, what are you doing? You're just gonna litter? I don't love littering. I'll shoplift, I'll kill, I'll diddle. I don't love littering. I'll shoplift, I'll kill, I'll diddle. I don't like littering. So I go, I gotta say something. And the wife's like, ah, who cares?

What are you gonna do? And I just go up to the window and I go, excuse me. And she goes, that's an old car. And she goes, yeah. And I go, yeah, there's a garbage can right there. And she just goes and rolls it back up. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I felt like you know, there's a garbage can right there. And she just goes and rolls it back up. Oh, wow.

Yeah, so I felt like I won because she could have gone like this, she could have gone fuck you. But I just gave it to her. I go, hey, there's a garbage can. I was trying to set it nice, like, oh, just letting you know. Like, I played dumb. I've done that. And she was like, just rolled it up and kind of gave me like,

to fuck you. I don't care about you or your life or your neighborhood or whatever you know what a good move you take it you put on the hood of a car I'll just leave that there you drop that because that's sometimes funny that's good you drop that is good you drop that is good and then she go I don't want that there you go well I don't want it there I don't want my fucking land right land of the free home of the brave baby I guess I should have done that but uh I'd said my piece and then I had a great meal. I think that's nice.

You say your piece, you have a meal. That's how I felt. We went back. I told my niece the story. We didn't have sex. It was too late. Well, I don't want to generalize, but I do think the people who do the finger or whatever, they aren't going to go as far in life as you.

The guy who calls it out versus the guy who just says fuck you and doesn't internalize it at all, I don't think they're gonna work out well in society. No, it's a fucking horrible quality. Horrible quality. To be, you're being fucking rude and oblivious and when somebody asks you to stop, you say fuck you. Exactly. It's because you felt a little shame,

and you want to lash out instead of dealing with it. It's a very immature person. Right. Not that I'm mature, but you know what I mean. But I do think that maybe this lady will be like, maybe I'll. I hope so. They don't give you the credit to go like, oh my god, I'm sorry. Right.

They have to say, fuck you. And that is a thing I'm noticing so much of, where somebody is the wrong they're like fuck you. Yeah. Yeah, what fuck me But the lady with the Gatorade bottle, let's say someone threw a coke can in her front lawn She now has to go. Well, that's how it goes cuz I put you where I want So why wouldn't he ideally they never do that? Obviously, they're never gonna think that deeply about it Well, that's a lot of people unfortunate. I mean, maybe all people yet. You have to show them what it's like. She does Yes, I have to go sit in front of her and do this exactly see how you like it fatty What's good for the goose is good for the gander. There you go. Who's the goose?

The goose is why the goose is she the goose who's the gander goose is Anthony Edwards and Top Gun? I see great guy great film. All right, so here's a here's the gander? The goose is Anthony Edwards in Top Gun. I see. Great guy, great film. I love it. All right. So here's the flip side of this interaction. Oh boy. About 15 years ago, my parents visited New York and my dad's a big queef and he said, I want to go to a Broadway show.

And I said, all right, we're going to a show. We go see this horrible show. It sucked. I wanted to kill myself the whole time. But my dad's loving it. He's giddy. He's got the program, he's reading everything. There's a girl behind us who ate a mint and it's like a really crinkly paper.

I know the crink. And she's going like, she's folding it. She's bored. Oh my God. She's doing full on origami behind my dad. These crinklers, I can't handle it. It's crazy, Chris Crinkle. And my dad is like you. He's just like bubbling. He's fuming.

He's full on Parkinson's, Michael J, Muhammad Ali. And I'm just like, Dad, take it easy. He's a big public shamer. Right. And he goes, excuse me. Could you stop with the crinkling? And this girl must have been 13 and she was like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

And I felt bad for her, because she didn't mean anything by it. She wasn't pulling her phone out or doing an air horn or talking to the movies. She was just dicking around. Well, this is an old natural thing too that everybody has. A lot of times you don't realize you're doing something annoying. Right. Because I I'm doing this I'm causing the noise to

me it's just keeping the beat but to someone else it's fucking making your blood of course of course the clicking of the pen whatever it is exactly yeah pen click or farting tapping all the time yeah and I've had it because you just go what the fuck I don't know. I think we're neurodivergent or some shit, which is a term that only came around the last three weeks. I think it's non-binary. I'm not too.

But you just go, could you please? And then they're like, fuck it. Oh my god, I didn't even know I was doing it. Yeah. I had that on a flight once. I was on a flight with the two seats and then the aisle. Two seats with stories. Yeah.

Two seats, one ass. And I was doing this one. And this pretty hot brunette lady was like, could you stop with the legs? And I was like, what do you mean? I was doing this. And she was like, I can feel the movement in my seat. And I was like, ah.

And my first thought was, hey, fuck off. But I went, oh, sorry. And then I hated my flight because I couldn't move. Right. People do this and it's shaking the bench. You don't realize a lot of that stuff. Yeah. So you got to, you got to, we're living in a society. You got to think about other people, I guess. We are. But anyways, it was a fun, fun movie. I fucking missed going to the movies and yeah,

I mean, it's not going to, I'm not going to put it in my top 10, but it's fun to have fun. I mean, he's finger, she's on the ground on her stomach while he's fingering her from behind. That's true. Hot stuff. It's a wild one. He makes her bark like a dog. I mean, it was hot. I thought it was hot stuff and it kept my attention. And 90 minutes. I love a 90 minute runtime. Love a 90 minute.

In and out and yeah, I liked it. We watched A Real Pain. Have you seen that? I loved A real pain oh man that was my Nicole Kidman getting fingered I was like look at this Kieran was amazing Kieran was amazing I'll give you that and I like that it was written by Eisenberg I like Eisenberg I like that he's kind of a Woody Allen he's anxious he's dewy he's like I'm gonna write my own movie indirect he's exactly Woody Allen Yes, including the kids dead on Woody Allen, but that was fun. It passed the time. But anyway, so I just want to talk about

Please big story. No, okay. My story is I changed the diaper. I looked at his shit. It was brown I closed it I went to bed. Okay. Well, we got to put that on the record because otherwise people go fucking list He's a piece of shit. He doesn't let mark talk. So if you got something you better say it or forever hold your quiff I'm doing one set of night. I'm uh, I'm changing diapers. I'm jerking off quietly in the other room While my wife's vagina heels and that's my life. So when do you go back out? vagina of Oh on the road. Yes. Well I'm gonna do some Gilles dates. Oh right. It's like and I'm doing casinos. One night right back. I love that. Big paycheck.

Big purse. I'm doing an Adam Ray out and back. It's one of those things, you get the makeup because we had the whole story before. Right. So it's one of those you fly out, you land, you do the thing, you fly back. That's why I put you in the thumbnail. That was nice. I'm in the thumbnail? Ah, maybe that was something else. I think that was somebody else. Yeah, you're right. No thumbnail. I feel like I saw something like that, too.

Or something like that. There was something like that. I agree. I saw it on YouTube. One of the comments was, hey, through Lista Bone, or something like that. Oh. Maybe.

No, you were in the thank yous. Oh. Yes. OK. Yes, the thank you. That and the token will get me on the subway. There you go. But this next one will be fun. But anyways anyways we all miss you out there on the road it's it's lonely without

you I miss it too fatty now I got to talk about the next one this this sesh comedy show oh the photos my god I was got some crazy FOMO homo FOMO said well I didn't know you were out that night yeah I was hurt well I didn't know you were out that night. Yeah I was hurt. Well I tried to book you before. I asked you to do the show and you said that's right when the baby's happening. That was the dialogue. I said well that was the original show. No no this was this one because the original show was before the baby was born. You were out of town for that. Oh right right right. You had to do Protect Our Parks or no you did The Roast. Yeah the original one was The Roast. This and you said, well, that's right when the baby's being born,

but we originally thought the baby was gonna be born later. That's true. And I thought you weren't working till fucking whatever. Well, the compromise is no road, city spot, one or two. Which makes sense. I agree.

There's not that much to do here. What? There's not that much to do. The baby goes to bed, you're like, I have two hours, you're like, I'll be back in two hours. I agree. And she's on board where everybody's copacit. That's a beautiful thing.

Because when you have that thing with the baby, you're like, I'm canceling everything. I'm going to be sitting right here. Yes. And then the baby's like this. Exactly. And you're like this. All right. Yeah.

Guess I'll go. The first few months, I don't look at my phone more. Because you're like, I'm going to be totally present with this baby. And he sleeps literally 18 hours a day. And you look at him for more, because you're like, I'm going to be totally present with this baby. And he sleeps literally 18 hours a day. And you look at him for 30 minutes, and you're like, I'm taking it in. Yes. I'm living it.

This won't last. And then you're like, all right. He's still looking. I'm just going to look at fucking porn. Of course. Of course. I'm looking at baby porn. I've planted plants outside, because I'm just like,

still sleeping? All right. I'm gardening. May plant it. so any farts we did this show at sesh comedy club. The next one, what did I say? Did I already say the date? I can't remember. February 27th. You're doing it. Supposedly we'll see. Hell yeah. Was it a through Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, different start time, different day. That's how you really build a show. Yes, consistency.

Show number two at SESH. I'm talking legendary night, one of the great nights in the history of comedy since that Sid Mad show. Oh, in the Caribbean. It was special. I looked at it, it was coming through the photos, Jerry. I mean, I'm sure Salacuse told you about it. Yeah, he goes, was coming through the photos Jerry. I mean I'm sure Salacuse told you about it. Yeah he goes did you see the photos? I go yes I saw

the photos. Well I mean it was promoted if I knew you were out you could have popped down. Yeah I want to do the next one. If you if you had popped down that place would have exploded so let me just run right through the thing. You had enough star power in there. It was a long show. So it was packed. The first one we had the curtains up, because it was like we had to make it look packed, because it was the first time ever.

Well, you're growing. Second one grew. No curtains, no pussy holes. It was packed out, and the show was hot. We had Maddie Weiner, Dan Soder, who's got amazing stuff. Have you heard his Abe Lincoln joke? You're the gay Lincoln. Gay Lincoln. I mean, that is gold. Maddie's just so tight, just fucking murders. Isabel

Hagen had some killer, killer shit. She killed. Then Louis goes on. He's got new, new. Wow. Like, he did like 20 minutes, I hadn't even heard, I hadn't seen him in two weeks. He murdered. Did he do the bit about the soap? I don't know about the soap. Okay, okay.

I don't know about the watch. But I mean, he killed and then Ronan had to go after him. And Ronan went out, Ronan killed. He's got some great Elon stuff about the aisle. It was so fucking funny. He's got a great bit where they're like, there was like an art, Elon's like, there are, these Democrats are up to their dirty tricks.

He's like, yeah, the old dirty trick. They're like, if Elon Musk does two Hile Hitlers in public, we're gonna say, what was that all about? That's dirty. It was very funny. Very funny. Very funny, just the way he went like, what was that about?

Yeah. That was just great, but it was one of these. Just the way he went like, what was that about? Yeah. It was just great, but it was one of these things where the crowd was on fire. We're like, it's awesome to have a fun lineup, but everybody's howling, laughing, and I'm hosting the show. So I kept going up and I'd have to do some material between, cause I'm like, I'll bring them down.

Right. No one wants to follow Louie. And then I would just do some like whatever shit, and then that would kill. Wow. On fire, like LA. You think, oh my God, they're gonna be, No one wants to follow Louie and then I would just do some like whatever shit and then that would kill Wow And fire like LA you think oh my god, they're gonna be they must be tired Yeah, now they're tired now. They're beat up by the way killer hang in the back It was one of those shows where you're like Do I want to be in the back cuz everyone's hanging or do I want to be in the room because everyone's killing Wow

That's a good problem to have and then all the comics start piling in the room And it's one of those nights where you like Patrick Patrick Holbert was videoing, Lex was filming, Ronan's there, it's me, Ronan, Isabel, Maddie, we're all in a row and then there's like young comics that show up, everyone's killing and then we're all looking at you like this is great! Right. This is crazy and you're in a brick basement underground in Chinatown. Right. And you're like this is so special I bring up Louie and I'm like, all right, that seems like the end of the show.

And then you're like, is Ron gonna be okay? He's gonna follow Louie. Ron on murdered, so much killer new. And then, after I bring on Louie, I bring up Ron on and I'm like, whew, this is what a night. And this is a shadowy figure that goes, hey, give me a hug.

And I'm like, who the fuck is this fat man hugging me? I'm literally in the middle of the hug being like, I't know who I'm hugging look back. It's Tim Dylan Whoa the big guy I go you got to be kidding. What are you doing here? You got to go on and he's like Well, I don't want to go on right Ronan goes on and then I bring Ronan up I come back He's like I'll go on if it's not too much Of course you got to go on so that the show is over and I'm like, I can't believe this. Another comic is here. It's Tim Dill. It gets a huge pop. He murdered that guy.

I couldn't believe it. And it was me. We're all sitting in a row, like elbowing each other. Me, Ron, and Louie are like pushing each other. Wow. It was inspiring. And then afterwards, the crowd is all filing out there. Like, that's the best show I've ever seen. Oh, shit.

Now, can I couple things please first of all the guys who run this club I've never been there, but they must be Happy as a clam that they found tapped your ass to run a show there you get bringing in a Lister's I think so they seem very very happy. I mean the guy Dave. He's like he's very like Yes, of course all, you should bring shirts. We'll sell merch. He's not a silly goose. He's a straight shooter.

He's a straight shooter. By the way, the Beastie Boys used to own the room. That would just be their place. They recorded there. It was like the Beastie Boy hang in the 80s. So now I'm pretending to like the Beastie Boys. Wow, don't sabotage it. And it's also cool, you got people walking above you on Chinatown streets that have no idea that this banger of a lunch comedy show is happening right under their souls.

Well, it's one of these places, that's in Korea, there's no signage whatsoever. You get out of the cab and then there's a line down the street and around the corner. I mean literally a hundred people in line on the streets, I get dropped off. I'm like, this is crazy. Wow. No signage whatsoever. You go to, it's just fucking awesome. Come to the next one. I'm gonna try to get Sam and I don't know who else.

Yeah, it's gonna be hard to beat that one. You gotta get fucking Geraldo and Pryor. I mean, it was, it was special. Great. There'll be a video coming soon to my YouTube. So come to the next one. Was Tim chatting with Louie or Soder, and that's how he knew?

Like, did you even ask him? No, I didn't even know he was in town. He must have talked to Louie. Louie and him were buddies, so maybe Louie had mentioned him going to this thing, or he just saw it on Instagram. I'll go down there. Good point.

But man, he had some fucking hilarious shit. I was like blown, and it's like the movie. You know the thing we talk about the movie where you go on a date with your wife, you have a baby so it feels so good. You're like, we're in a basement, we're all hanging. And comedy is just, I've said this for years, it's so much better live. Every special, and I've said this a million times, every, even the best special is like one third as good as it was live. Completely right. I always say it's phone sex versus real sex. It's just no, so it was just,

and then everyone was looking at each other. It was like a love fest. You could feel a palpable thing. Yes. Am I forgetting anybody? Soder. I didn't know Isabel was there. Louis, Ronan, Isabel, Matty.

I think that was it. Soder. And Tim Dillon. Yeah, no, that's a. Soder, yeah. Tim Dillon. Yeah. No, that's a hot lineup. No black. No, but the show before that, we had Ian Lara, Ann Louis Gomez.

He's a brownie. And somebody else. Who was the other one on that show? We had no women on the first show, no black people on the second show. All right, all right, you're balancing. We had a gay man, a Mexican guy, two women. They always give you shit for not having a black or a woman, but they never give you shit for not having an Asian. Right. That never comes up. They never go, whoa, no Asians. I'll try to get Shang on the next one. There we go. Shang

Wang blew up, by the way, which is so exciting. Oh, he's so funny. He did my show last night. Oh my God. Killer. It's killer new. He's just a great guy. Good hang. But I'm excited to do this sesh. I'm excited to go down there and yeah we're gonna have to call Seinfeld. But look at Jerry. I mean it's not far for you either. All right. It's Lower East Side. Beautiful. You can take whatever three stops or whatever the hell it is. Ten minute ride. I'm in. I can't wait. Nice and easy and take the whole night off. Don't do that shit you do when you got four spots and you come running in for eight minutes. If it's at nine, I can make that the last spot and do some stuff before.

All right. But we'll have a nice time. You won't be there. I'm going to bet 12 bucks. You're not there. Count it. I mean, we still got a running tally on me hosting SNL. Yeah, I got five more years. If it's not, I lose 40 bucks. Wait, wait, wait. I thought it was one

year. We bet 30 bucks that you have eight years to do it. It was like three years. No, it was a hundred dollars. It was a hundred dollars. I thought it was a thousand. Now we're with you like you're like fucking all these people out here. We talked about a thousand. I literally say, I can't do a thousand. That's crazy. I say $100, then we shake hands. And then 800 people were like, it's a thousand bucks. I'm like, watch the video, it's on tape. Oh, sorry, 1,100 bucks and it was one year. 40, no, it wasn't one year.

That's crazy. It was like three years. Chuck, Witness, Colin. I gotta look it up. I think it was at least three years. I thought it was five. I thought it was five. Okay, up. I think it was at least three years I thought it was five. Okay. Okay. Well, I've been three. Okay. It's been a year since already No, I was like six weeks ago three kids at a mortgage. It was ten minutes ago twelve dollars 14 years Okay, there was nine months ago. It was a last spring or summer. Oh, okay

I think so. All right, right after somebody hosted It was right after Shane hosted or Nate, yes. Yeah, one of those. What order was it? Shane. Probably Shane. Okay. Must've been right after Shane hosted. All right, give it a goog and yeah,

so that was at least a year ago and two more to go? Man, this is gonna be the easiest C-note I ever put my hand on. Let's get the exact details of this bet. All I remember is it was 100 bucks or maybe it was $50 maybe. I heard it was $1100. Could be $10. What do you say?

Chuck's making a face. Well, he hosted basically like last February. Oh, black history. So one year ago. Yeah, one year. Yeah. OK, well, two to go. Two to go.

A little less than a year. I think it was honestly like on March 1st or something. Because it was announced at the beginning of the week. March Norman. I'd have to look up the episode to find out how long it was. You've got time. White woman.

All right, well, shit. She's getting stabbed. Oh, damn it. All right, where are you going to be? When do we get the window shades, by the way? We've got to get some shades. Yeah, call in. We've got to get the Patreon money on the shades.

How does a hare suddenly get in your mouth? In that wild? Yeah, I'm just over here talking. What did it jump the fly? Did it fall? Might have fallen off your nose, baby Or maybe it came out of your head. It's not a nose hair. It's like it's a long Flat one. Oh, that's the head hair. So it must have caught the moisture of the lip long for that noodle Let me show you a crossword puzzle Sarah. I tried to do the crossword puzzle. We almost got divorced I'm like, we're retarded people. I couldn't get one. I do the I do the jumble, but on a flight I'll try to do a crossword every now and then and it is tough. I can't do it. It makes me furious I get like seething anger. I'm a retarded person. Well, the questions are so weird and out of out of pocket. It'll be like

Paprika was invented in you're like, how the fuck do I know that? But it's not even questions, it's like a word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It says like, moisture. Right, well that damn gooey. And then it's like seven words, seven letters. I'm like, moisture, I don't know. Pussy, yeah, I don't know, it's tough.

But my dad does it every day, and he claims that's why he's not senile. Well that's good for the brain. The goose. Stems or whatever. Yes, stem cells. Well I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm petrified. I haven't been in two years.

They told me I have high blood pressure and cholesterol. I didn't change anything. Oh, do the crossword. That'll save you. I was going, I ate a brownie for lunch. Okay, I went to the gym though. I ran. All right.

I did some shit. I've been doing yoga. I've been running. You ever try to do that? Like I used to go to the dentist twice a year when I was a kid and I would eat Oreos. I'd eat pussy. I'd eat cum. And then the day before I was like, like trying to wash it all away, but it stained from years of marinara and sugar and then, you know, jizz. Oh, I'm terrified. But I'm taking a, I'm taking a positive stance, roll, whatever. I'm taking a positive stance role whatever I'm gonna get a colonoscopy,

a colostomy bag. Yes. Because now everyone under 40 has cancer and the asshole. Huh? Oh yeah. Big numbers are spiking. RFKs on it. So, oh he's good that guy. He's all over the health. He knows what he's talking about but It did oh man Tim Dylan had some fucking killer RFK stuff. Oh, buddy god. I was on the ground Hey, we're buddies. We all hang out. He goes. It's funny cuz Cheryl be like I like strawberries and he goes there's a bomb in my car I mean he'd be fun to be friends with cuz because first of all he knows Larry David and all those guys, he's jacked, and he's gonna bring over like a reptile head. Right, that is a, he's a silly goose. I mean he says stuff to you like, this guy's crazy.

He's crazy, he did heroin for years, he's on Kill Tony, I mean I like him. Yeah, he's fun. But anyway, Farts, what was it, there's still a psychotic lady by the way that comments that I'm a piece of shit, fucking idiot, asshole, on every single post everywhere because I made fun of RFK. Oh yeah, she's still upset.

She lives on Long Island. I know what she does for a living. Wow. She's completely psychotic. Oh, jeez. I mean, I haven't looked at the comments on, but everything I'm on, she's like, he's a, and it's crazy, it's like vile.

She's like, I hope his kids get sick. Good golly. I hope his mother, his wife dies. He's a pee and it's crazy. It's like it's like vile. She's like, I hope his kids get sick I hope his mother his wife dies. He's a fucking terrible parent RFK would not approve of this cuz I was like RFK is an idiot fuck him and she's like you piece of shit fuck Whoa wild dude. Yeah, she's a vile vile woman. She's listening right now. How you doing? Hey, I won't say her name. All right. that's crazy AOC who is this I don't know some of fucking the cook a complete lunatic they always threatened to stop listening but they never do yes yes if I had a million dollars for every time so when I'll never listen to you again you piece of shit and then three months later also it's a free show if

you stop listening we don't take a dent yeah we'll be okay We'll be fine Don't stop the patreon though stay on that. Oh Patriot RF we just interviewed RFK on that we do we sit on his back while he does push-ups Yeah, I can do ten more Where am I gonna be? I don't even know when does this come out a couple months six months? I think 2028 Tempe March 13 March 13, 14, 15. The movie is coming to movie theaters in April, which is very exciting. March 13, 14, 15, Tempe, Arizona. March Madness. March 7th and 8th, Nashville, Smashville, baby. Who, who? This comes out February 17th. Perfect. February 17th. Where am I this weekend? I don't know. Oh, Key West. And then April 10th

through the 12th, I'll be in Minneapolis. I can't wait. That's selling really well, so get the tickets early. April 19th, Wilbur Theatre, that's also almost sold out, so get those tickets. The ticket sales are really going up. It's very exciting. Oh, hell yeah. It's a lot of fun. It's an exciting time. And the movie will be out in April. We're finalizing right now. So next. Well, by the time you hear this, it probably will be finalized. But April coming to a theater near you, we're going to be all over the landmark cinemas.

Wow. All over the landmark, Norman. They're going to be all over the place. We've got your quote in the trailer, which I appreciate. Hey, that means a lot. Yeah. So it means a lot to me. So you've been a big champion of the film. I love the film So get excited for that that'll and it'll stream on punch-up shortly after that in Europe and everywhere. So

That's exciting. The patreon is Through the roof. Yeah Website in the world the roof Yeah, anyways, yeah get on the patreon. It is cooking a lot of great stuff talk about soda We just had a thing with him. We just had the dojo, we got a riff session, we got stand up, we got a green room, we got it all! Ooh, it's dicey on there too, I'll tell you that. Oh yeah, we don't hold back.

You think the Asian stuff here is bad? Wait till you hear the Hiroshima chunk. People loved the episode with May. Like loved, like flipped out. Oh really? Million comments, all positive. All positive? I swear to God. It was like, I'd say 98% positive and like extremely glowing. So proud to be part of your life. Really nice. Very nice.

Please tell her that if you see her. I will. All right. This is the 17th? Yes. Okay. The 22nd, I'm opening for Shane Gillis at Summerina in Minneapolis. That'll be cool. Hell yeah. Then I'm doing the Ryman Theater.

This is the real money spot. This is the one we gotta really plug. Ryman Theater in Nashville. We gotta sell this puppy out. We're getting close, but I just don't wanna risk it. Then I'm doing a Reno Casino, a casino in Napa Valley, a casino in Funner, California, which I never heard of. It's Southern California. And then I'm doing Vegas as well. What's that one in Foxwoods? Oh, Mohegan Sun, Foxwoods.

Yeah, Mahashaka, something. It's a weird town in Connecticut. Unkinsville is Mohegan Sun. Yeah, this is Foxwoods. Foxwoods is, yeah, something.aq and Duke and that gets it. Yeah, yeah. And then I'm doing Ben Salem. Mash and tuck it. Mash and tuck it, that's it.

Ben Salem? That sounds like a weird trans operation. You mash and you tuck it. Mash and tuck it? That's an opener. That's your opener. That's better than you got. All right, I'm back.

And then we're doing Page to Stage. Check it out. It's on Punch Up. It's a hot one. We then we're doing Page the Stage. Check it out. It's on Punch Up. It's a hot one. We edited the shit out of this thing. It's a beauty. It's high end.

It's good quality. Punch up live dot com. Five bucks. You can see it here before it gets on Netflix. I'm putting it out in the ether. Woohoo, comedy. All right. Choo choo train.

What do you got? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We'll be doing our Valentine's Day episode, actually, for this, where people send in voice notes and we give them love and sex advice. Oh, wow, sex advice from Chuck. You might want to tune into that one. I'll be tuning in for that.

Yeah. So check it out. Tune in and tune it out. A lot of plates to do. Funbearablepod.com. All right, we got to find, have any luck with the Asian fellow with the tour? It's hard because I don't know if they'd advertise it in a way like that. I think we'd have to scan the comments of the actual tours there.

I'm going to find that guy. Let us know if you have any info. Kuki, Asian fellow, walks around. I can't think of the fucking mall, Battery Park City, walks around and does a tour with Color TV, I mean Color TV, Color Photographs call in. Okay. All right. We got to move these refrigerators.

We got to move these Color TVs. You know the story of that song? No. It's all quotes. Mark Nothra had movers moving in and all the lyric is just what the guys conversation No way is they were like two movers being like that's the way you do it Is that right? Yeah, that's a joke. No, no, it's real I mean, I think he added the that little faggot and all that stuff. I think he just assumed yeah, but they were just like

That's that's how you do it man. Whoa The whole song is about these guys like we got to remove these refrigerators and color TVs Yeah, he's playing guitar in the MTV money for nothing That's good stuff the guys moving in just like you and they're all kind of shitting on him and he's like I'll make this a song Well the guitar lick of that, brr brr brr brr, it's a killer tune. Oh, Dire Straits are the fucking best. Making movies is one of the best records of all time.

Really? That song's not on that record, but that record rules. Australian? Knopfler? I think he's a... I think they're New Zealander. Or maybe I'm thinking of Down Under. Down Under.

And the Latin... Men at Work? That's Men at Work? That's Men at Work. Oh, way off. Yeah. Then never mind. But not with no pick either. He's all fingers fluttering.

Woo, he can bicker me any day. But thanks, folks. We'll see you in hell. We're Men at Work. And the heavens where legends cry Will miss me watching the music die Please believe me Stay anonymous. I can't hang up. That's all the rules. I never know what's gonna happen. We get serious ones I've talked with meth dealers on their way to prison. I've talked to people who survived mass shootings crazy funny ones I talked to a guy with a goose laugh somebody who dresses up as a pirate on the weekends I never know what's gonna happen. It's a great show subscribe today beautiful anonymous