Tuesdays with Stories! - #593 Spite Bit

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

Whoa! Joe heads to Montreal and finds about the magic of a nuru massage! Mark encounters a lunatic at a coffee shop and gets into some verbal fisticuffs! Plus, the story of Doug Stanhope’s renegade comedy festival! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Head to https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS  - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with  code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com  - Get your free ShipStation trial with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.shipstation.com  - Support the show and get 15% off your VIIA order with the code TUESDAYS at https://viia.co/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! Ah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to say. Hello! Here we are! Folks, we're in the castle. Look at that, I got bars put on the window. How do you like that? Oh, good bar. Oh, I meant to bring a thing, but I left in a hurry. Mr. Good Bar. I got a thing to add over here.

A guy gave me a beautiful painting from the, not that there's anything wrong with that. When the Kramer's leaving, he comes back and he's like, he's here to fix the bathroom, or whatever, they all go like this. Anyways, it's a beautiful thing. There's no place to put it. My wife hates me, I got too much artwork,

but I figured we'll throw on lunch stuff four or whatever. There we go, yeah, all right, we'll put it up there. Is it a painting? It's a copy of a painting. A copy of a painting. His friend painted it, he wasn't gonna give me the original, so he gave me this other thing. All right, hey, send me a photo of it.

Okay. Send me a copy of a painting of a photo. Well, I'll bring you the whole thing, and we'll put it right up. Well, we gotta see if it makes the cut. It'll make the cut. It's beautiful. It's Seinfeld. It's the thing. I mean, you got fucking Joan Baez up here. That's Rivers. I like both Joes. Crawford. But yeah, you know what I should get up there is the photo of us hugging. That's a hell of a painting. The hug photo, the one that Salacuse took. One of the great Salacuse photos.

Hell of a photograph. I just found this podcast. Tell them Mike Steve. Have you ever heard of this? Never heard of it. Yeah. Sounds bad. It's bad.

And Unbearable also is great. How about this? I'm dealing with this right now. My other producer, the good one, Matt Peters. Matt Peters. We Might Be Drunk. Goat. A lady stole something from his studio.

He caught her on tape, confronted her. She flipped out, yelled at him, and now is out of the studio. She's like, you've lost a client. Interesting. Isn't that crazy? But he watched her take it. He has the video. He sent it to me.

Wow. But she went, well, I'm sticking it to the man. You're a big corporation. He's like, I'm struggling. I'm a fat guy trying to do a business here in Manhattan. I'm floundering. I'm underwater and I'm a corporation. Well, I'm sure he'll appreciate the fact comment. But the thing is, this just happened to me last week. We talked about this with the lady with the thing, the phone. I go, Hey, can you put that away? And she goes, fuck you. And we talked about this, this is what people do. They cross the street while the light's green,

they stand in front of your car, you go, hey, get out of the way, they go, fuck you. Yes, I think it's generational. I don't know, because there are people that are 78 years old that do the same fucking thing all the time. That's true, I mean, ratzo rizzo, I'm walking here. Right, so it's a lot of,

Maybe you're right. Everyone's all fucked up, it's the, what do you call it? The culture, the zeitgeist, the mindset, the thing, all the stuff. Agreed. Is that a new plant? Nah, it's been there. I like that plant.

Amazon, every plant in here is fake, like my personality. I love a plant. Oh yeah. An audience plant. Ah-ha, plant-based. I don't care for that one bit. Yeah, I had to tell you. And Peters, we love bit. You're the best in the business. Number one producer. We'll be using you soon, I hope. Please. Check, take a beating in the early

going here. Well, you were on the road. I'm so jealous of the road and you're covered in gray. I'm all gray. I'm all gay. Yes, gray bar. My beard's gray and red bar It's great that that's what you want to awaken that demons sweatshirt sweatpants. I'm gray. My pubes are gray Yeah, has gray skull. I was out on the road. Where was I? Oh Montreal Montreal? Which you gotta go to Montreal, you know why? A, it's close, B, it's awesome, C, nobody goes there anymore. Why not? Oh, because the fucking fest is gone.

Well, the festival shit the tits, but it's coming back this year. I believe when I see it. A new festival bought it, whatever, so it's back. But also, the Nest, I love David, but it's just not the hottest room, it's a tough neighborhood, It's kind of small. And they're a struggling club, so I

don't think they have the Jews to pay the big guys. Got it, got it. And then Comedy Works is gone, so it's kind of not a big market these days. But a great town. One of the great, great cities in America. Lunch. You're not supposed to be going up there.

No American goods are supposed to be over that border, Fetty. Well, I'm not that good. I see. But I think that went on hold or something. Ah, all right. Tariff. Yeah, so. There's a new tariff in town. Well, we went to the hockey game, me and Matt Wade, they played the Devils, so we were interested to boo the Star Spangled Banner. Whoa. We were going to boo. I was like, that'll be fun. Oh, that is fun. It's fun to boo things. It is a good time. Boo. I love boos. Taylor Swift got booed at the Super Bowl, apparently.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. Can I just do a quick side note? Please, love a side. I'll come back to Montreal. I don't really don't get the, we fucking hate Taylor Swift, this tough piece of shit. I don't either.

She's just at the game. They show her for like four seconds. Well, I will say the last Super Bowl the Chiefs were at, they showed her like 38 times. Right. So I think people are like, let's dip that right in the bud. Well, that's the thing, but I'm like, they also show a fat asshole with a fucking fence. Yeah, defense. They show the defensive coordinator.

They show the quarterbacks coach. They show the cheerleader. They show my sister's ass, my father's cock. I don't really get it. I'm like... The cock I couldn't see. Just get over it. Who cares?

I don't know. I don't care either. And hey, if it's bringing in ladies, if women are like, I'll watch Super Bowl, just see that fucking horror. Great, great. That's more views. Now, the real issue with Taylor Swift is her fucking piece of shit husband that stole my bit on Instagram.

Oh, I think that guy's half a tard. He's a little dim that Kelsey. This man, I like him. Best tight end of all time. I'll take some tickets. I just want to get, uh, you know, I want to get in his good graces while trashing him. He's got to go back to black women with the way he's playing. We love you, Kelsey. You're the number one Kelsey brother. Uh, Oh brother, but we're out though. This man sees my bit. My big viral Picasso bit does it on his show. He says Mountain Dew and NFL players. Same

tags, same bit, same tag, but he fucked it up. Mine's better. I say six super bowls. He says NFL games. Well, he's bad performing. CT is is a no joke. But, um, yeah, he does my bit. Wow. Look at that up. Hey, what the fuck is this? This is Joe List. And he goes, Oh yeah, you're right. I saw it and had to share it. So he credits me, but it's like under a comment of a comment, Andy pinned it. But all this happening the day before the Superbowl. Isn't that crazy? That is cuckoo bananas. You You gotta put the link in there, C-Note, because that's crazy that he saw, but pretty cool, the quarterback player guy,

not quarterback, tight end guy, sees your bit and starts riffing on it. It's pretty wild, it's weird. I mean, the eve of the Super Bowl, this man is thinking about me, tagging me, typing me. Fucking you, cleaving. He did credit, I'm JK and LOL, and I love you, Tra me, typing me. Fucking you, queefing. He did credit. I'm JK and LOL and I love you, Trav.

Give me some tickets. I was rooting for the Chiefs. I was the one guy in America outside of Kansas City rooting for them. Well, they had the over, or whatever you call it, the spread, the upper deck, the hot. They weren't favored, were they? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, they win every year. Mahoney is a star. We got to look into that. There's no way they were favored. Give it a go. That Jalen Hurts, he homie is a, he's a star. We gotta look into that. There's no way they were favored. Give it a go, that Jalen Hurts, he can't catch a cold. Look that up, what was the line on that game? The Eagles, everyone knew the Eagles were gonna win. They had set quantities, unstoppable,

they got the best defense, the Chiefs, everyone was calling the Chiefs weak, they barely got by the Bills, they barely got by the Texans, the Rebs. Interesting. I knew for sure they were gonna win that thing the Cleaves first the kegels What do you got over there chuckles? Well, you stink at googling. Let's go

Slow come on Super Bowl 2025 odds chiefs remain slight favorites over the thank you Wow, I should have bet I know I should have they were favorites going into that game. They lost by 40 Yeah, it was ugly. They won the last two right? They won the last two But that's that's even more reason to vote for them to root for the not root for but bet on the Eagles because no one's Ever won three in a row. Yeah, it's ever in the history of football. That's right, but he's the guy to do it They thought it says as defending champion sportsbooks at the Chiefs as a 1.5 point favorites before the Sunday game. There you go.

I don't bet on sports, but man, I thought the Eagles were gonna win that game for sure. But I wanted the Chiefs because these Eagles fans, I love it, helium, you're number one, I can't wait. You're the best. They're greasing the polls over there in Philadelphia. First of all, the night of the Super Bowl, it's one o'clock in the morning.

I'm in bed dreaming of sugar plums and gay kids. Sure. That's what I call gay kids. So I'm, sugar plump, come here. Sit on my lap. These piece of shit eagle fed, they're walking through with pots and pans in our courtyard.

No! Wake up, fuck you, giant, fucking eagle. No, what, you nerds? I'm like, it's one in the morning. I'm like, so you're antagonistically just waking up families. Wow! All right, they should all be euthanized. I mean, do that the night of the game, because you won. That I get, but it's before the night?

No, no, this is the night of the game. Oh, the night they won. But it's 1 a.m. We're in a quiet neighborhood. Yeah, that's great. Go out to the street. Take it to the streets. Go to Midtown and woo woo! Do a big hoop and holler and eat horse shit like you do in Philly, but don't do it in my apartment. No woo woo, I don't want any woo woo, I go in my house, I go fucking woo woo, I go to bed.

Yeah, you fuck your wife, you wear your eagle's outfit and then you hit her. Exactly, and also, you know, there's all these videos of them beating up the Redskins fan, or the Commander's fan, whatever, bleep that. Redskins. Yeah, they're out now. I thought it was Chiefs. No, this is the week before.ae, whatever. Really? Bleep that. Redskins. Yeah, they're out now. I thought it was Chiefs. No, this is the week before. Oh, I see.

A lot of Native American names out there. Not as many as they used to be. Well, yeah, that's true. But you got Seminole. Seminole's is in. That's Florida. They're not going anywhere. They're not going anywhere.

Then they got the Chiefs. Then you got the Redskins. No longer. OK, and then you got the Indians? No longer. Oh. But you got the Chicago Blackhawks. Ah! You got the... What else? A sitting bull? Is it a white hawk? No, no. White hawk. White hawk. The white socks, the red socks. The white race. The um... White bread. What other Native Americans are there? I guess that's it. The Super Bowl sucked. What a horrible game.

It was such a bummer. We missed you at Sal's, by the way. I thought you were coming over. Oh, tell me everything. How was it? Well, it was nice. It was a lovely little party we had for Marjorie. It was good.

Great food, pizza, the babies, the kids were all running around. It was small. It was Ari, his boyfriend. Are we still doing that, by the way? Who? For a while, he was trying to keep his girlfriend, the boyfriend. Oh, no, they're married now.

Well, I don't know if you can say that. All right, eloped? Screech, you cantelope. You call it cantelope, you melonhead. But yeah, wait. Leave that in. Okay, I didn't know that. Well, okay.

I think it's fine. All right, they're married, he gave her like a ring pop, it's all, he's got to be ironic and against the man and the system, but he's a big homo and he's married. Oh, he's a big homo, alright, absolutely. I sent a gift, so I'm allowed to shit on it. No gifts for me. Get the hell out of here. More of a JPEG man. But anyways, it was nice, it was a good time, it was the least Super Bowl I've ever watched. I was over there hanging, then we came back, and then it was a blowout, so I had sex with my wife,

and watched Twin Peaks, I think. Wow, old school, David Lynch, RIP. I'm trying to watch Twin Peaks, but it's the same with the show. This is what I always talk about, and this is why I switched from the Sopranos is gay, to I just can't handle it. Even Twin Peaks, it's wonderful.

I watched the, what do you call the first episode? Pilot. The pilot. Is in the audience. I loved it, I was smiling ear to ear. Now I'm five episodes in and I'm like this, 40 more hours? Oh. That's the thing about TV. Yeah, yeah.

So they're gonna be looking for this girl for 40 more hours. Yeah, yeah. Well gotta you gotta have an arc You gotta have a beginning a middle and end you gotta play out the series You gotta see how it ends, but they have that in film and it's two hours. That's true Well, this is why I don't read Jerry. I go 900 more pages of this Same principle I'm just sitting there like this is great, but I have to dedicate 75 hours to this fucking story, but you finish your book. I'll finish a book, but a book is different. It's it's more like a

Whatever you call it life. It's more like a film in a way, but The book is long book takes years. I'm still I'm still going through the Koran. Yeah, I don't believe you've read a single book in here Let's see. Hold on, hold on. There might be a pamphlet around here somewhere. Sapiens was a gift, I'm sure of it. I got halfway through that one. Okay. Wait, where's Sapiens? Oh, there it is. Down there, yeah. That was my bathroom book for a while. Well, the bathroom, because that's the thing with a book is you can kind of, you read here, you read there. Yeah, that's nice. Well, I did the Richard

Pryor diary, or diary, bio. I did the Seinfeld bio, did the Woody Allen bio, I did the Richard Pryor diary or diary bio. I did the Seinfeld bio to the Woody Allen bio. I did Andy Coffin's bio. So I'm big on bios. I love a bio. I think you might have my Seinfeld bio. Did you give that back? Was it written by a white hardcover? No, it was the unauthorized biography. I think it was a black and white cover. Oh yeah, yeah. I think I sold that to a kid. This sign language, that's a hell of a read. I did read that. Comedians, I know you read because you hit me with a fact every day. I read I read Steve Martin's book. Oh yeah, that one was a quick easy read. That was a good one. I read Sam Talon's book. Famously, I read a chapter on audio and

it was such bad reading he didn't use it. Well, he also sent, gave you the book to give to me and I never got it, by the way. You want it? I have it now, I have my own goddamn copy. Boy, he is a writer, that is a beautiful prose he writes. I mean, the vocab is unreal, his health is out of control, but boy, that guy can use a pen. He is talented.

Yes, gotta be fun to have that in the name, although if he sucked, it'd be like, you know, little John. Well, it's just sitting there. If he bombs as a bad special, the review, Variety magazine, Sam Talentless, so it's there. You're right. You're right. What's his middle name?

Lack of? You know? Yeah. So he better not slip up. I'm always paranoid of that. You do a comedy special called Unremarkable, because it got the mark in there. And you try to be self-deprecating.

And they go, nailed it. The title's perfect. You're like, oh, I was trying to be kitschy. Thank you. Boy, we are on. We're at period. Period just synced. We're syncing.

Chuck, your googling's fine. I was just kidding. I thought it would be funny to give you the business. He's lashing out. I'm very unhappy with my life. But anyways. So what was the, how was Canada? You see Trudeau, do you eat any hockey? Do you go to poutine?

Went to the hockey game. Well, first of all, you go up there. We're getting old because I'm like, we're going to see French tits. I'm going to get one of these new room massages. That one's called? Suprasex. You know, but that's burned down. It burned.

Yeah. Suprasex has been gone for years. Chemical bank. You know, but that's based burned down it burned. Yeah, super sex been gone for years chemical bank You know the new room massage the new room. No new woo new room new room No rule No room massage. I know Ryu from Street Fighter. You know about new room I've never I'm excited to hear about it. I know old Roo. Well, I never heard about New Roo until I was on the Real Ass podcast,

which is always fun to do. I already Googled the definition if you want it. Whoa! No, no, I got the definition. I got the definition. Give it a go. Then you're supposed to see what this has to say. Fastest goog in the West.

So this is, you've probably seen this in pornography. All right, seen that. You get nude, I get nude. Wait, wait, you get nude? Well, I'm the stripper lady. Ah! There. I get nude. Wait, wait. You get nude? Well, I'm the stripper lady. Ah. There's Masoos.

Masoos. Oh, boy. I feel like we can do better than this. Well, some people are into me. So you get nude. Okay. And then you lay on a table. You pay me whatever, 150 bucks, I think.

And then the nuru lady dumps herself with oil and massages, but it's like a wacky Let's use your body massage. Yeah, she rubs your muscles with her tits and she's all greased up. I don't care for it. What What are you talking to use your tits to massage? That's goofy. Oh, I think she uses her pelvic floor The women it says their foot size too. It's like size eight. They were all big footed fucking heifers too. I want some Amazonian lady, but I like an elbow. I want a Russian whore with that elbow right in my taint.

Well, that's part of the body. She uses the elbow, but her tits are out. She's moved. Okay, okay. You can look at her beaver, her clam, her fish stick. Her gash. Yeah, so. Honey pot.

You wanna read the definition there, Chuckles? Did I nail it? Yeah, you did. How do you spell that? Is that an Asian term? N-U-R-U. Oh. Yes, it is an Asian term,

because it has the characters right next to it. They're way ahead of us, the Asians. It means slippery. Slippery. Oh, new repeat. Yeah. It means slippery. Slippery. Oh, nuru peat. Yeah. It's a type of massage involving full body contact where both the masseur and masseuse, the masseuse

and client are nude and coated with gel, traditionally made from nori seaweed. There you go. So it's a seaweed massage. Fishy. All right. Well, nuru went wet. So they had that going,, you can't do that

That's just straight-up cheating It feels like you and I do it together and have a keep a secret but a tree on so we went over there and We didn't go there, but we were walking around that was there And then there's all the titty bars and so you're like we're gonna look at the tits and the thing and then you get to the strip I'm just old. I'm like, ah, it's gonna be expensive. It's loud. You have to tip. Not the girls. That's fine. But it's like you got to tip the door guy, the bartender guy, the person that seats you. It's a lot of steps. When you get older, steps are a problem. Plus you need that loony-toony balloony money. You got to throw a fucking big tin nickel at the lady's head. That's what Nickel Boys is about.

Tickle back. What's Nickel Boys? Nickel Boys is that movie that's nominated for an award. I don't know. Never heard of it. It's like one of those movies where the poster is a black guy and a white guy, and it's like there's a tear.

And I'm like, I can't with this. I don't care. OK, everyone hates him because he's black, but you like him. And then you learn a lesson. Sure. Whatever. Nickel, please hates him because he's black, but you like him and then you learn a lesson or whatever. Sure. Nickel, please. But there goes one. So... Please don't come in, Nickel.

But yeah, that's crazy. All right, well you didn't go. Wait, so we didn't go to the Tilly Bar, but we had a great time. We went up. We did the Fairmont Theater. And it's more of a rock club and we sold them both out. The shows were fun but those Montreal crowds are not hot. They're not hot, you're right. I'm sure you commented on that on stage. Oh yeah. Yeah yeah but I mean the nest I would eat my ass, this festival I'd eat my ass and yeah you're right they're French, they're a little stuffy up there. Ho ho ho croissant. I think that a lot of them it's their second language. I also think people

don't come there as much so they're kind of enamored with you maybe. They're just looking at you. But here's my other theory about it. It's a very artsy town. They're consumers of art. They love Leonard Cohen and they're French. it's kind of cafe society. They read Jerry. So I think they look at it as like, as an art form, as a performance art. They're kind of, they're not like drunk and going, ah, a dick job. They're kind of going, hmm, interesting choice.

They're very sophisticated. Sophisticated, yes. They're not eating chicken wings and chugging down a Mick Ultra and going, hoo, hoo, hoo, whoo, whoo, whoo. You understand everything. That's exactly right. I get it. Yeah. I think that's a big part of it, but the shows were fun nevertheless. And now let me ask you about this. So the whole thing, I had this thing that I dreamed it and did it, which feels good. I kept telling Matt Wayne, we should go do a show in Montreal and then go to see the Canadians game. The next

day, we're both big hockey guys. Beautiful. That's lunch. So we get the tickets. It wasn't wasn't cheap. We go to the Bell Center, formerly the Molson Center. I see we're going out there. The new rules right outside of there. They must get so many people leaving the hockey game going. They lost eight. Nothing. Suck me off. Yes. Nulu. So we go to the new we walk past the Nuru, let's say, to get to the hockey game.

You're getting some oilers. So we get to the Edmonton. So we get to the hockey game, we go in, we watch the game. Now this, I'm going to, I'm interested to see how you feel about this, how you hear about this. I can't wait. Nuru right up my ass. Now you love to steal things.

I just stole something from Whole Foods today. There you go. With the child in tow. So you can use that stroller by the way but I think that's technically could be child abuse. Whoa he's an accomplice. That's right. Oh I didn't use that. It went right up the old jacket. Patagonia thank you. These houses aren't cheap I'll tell you that. Yes I'm broke. Hi there folks Tuesday Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you, of course, by BetterHelp. This is one of our all time favorite sponsors, I swear, by BetterHelp and Therapy.

They are improving the lives of so many people I know, so many people are near and dear to me. Amazing. I send it off to my best buddy, my other buddy, one guy I actually hate hate but now I like him more because he's using BetterHelp. Well done. Life is tough, it's time to focus on the good stuff.

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money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com promo code TOOSGAYS. Get sheath underwear, support the show, support your balls, wear them right now, and I feel great. We'll see you at the Comedy Festival, Patton! So we go to the game and I want to get, first of all this arena is built so weird. It's hard to maneuver because it's small and tight and they have these overhangs that just, you could smash your head, it's hard to explain.

But it's packed, it's kids day, it's Saturday afternoon, so it's like fucking kids, whatever, kids blow you for free. Sugar plumps. It's a steal. So we go in, it's packed, it's crowded, but I'm like, I wanna get my son something. I'm gonna get him a puck, maybe a onesie, whatever, you gotta get the kids something

everywhere you go. Yes, yes. So I go in and I go to what, the first place, it's like a little stand and it's got pucks and pennants and all the shit, but there's a couple in front of me who's like shopping. I got a hockey. Ah, they're holding it up They're like, can you hold this up? This is a goddamn sports arena. Yes, you say give me a large you keep moving go to Uniqlo you queef they're doing this Stretching the leg out. That's too short

Liberal cuck I go I can't handle it. So we go, we go over, there's a Tim Hortons, we get donuts and coffee, there's a big pro shop, like the official team store. I go, let me pop in here, I gotta grab something for my son. And this is hard to explain, but you walk in and it's divided left and right.

They have it snake all the way through, like you gotta walk all the way through to get to the exit to the gift shop. Yeah, they do a maze. So you gotta go through and it's just so fucking crowded. So right when I go in, I got a hockey puck, it's got a cartoon on it, it says fucking whatever, Lazy Compton, Hockey Day Montreal.

I go perfect, this is all I need, let's go. Viva LaFrance. So I start walking through and it starts to get more and more congested and congested and congested. And you go around the corner and it's more people. And I'm trying to wrestle and fight to the front just so I can buy this stupid hockey puck. Yeah, I know where this is going. I get to the front and the guy goes, what are you crazy? The line starts back there. Oh, hachi machi, wow. So I go, wait, it's back there.

And as I'm standing there, people are flowing past. So it's like two lines. One line is just to leave the store. Got it. And it's all flowing like fish out this way. Yes. The other line is to buy, but that line starts fucking back there.

I didn't realize. Ah. So in order to go back there, I have to go against the stream. I'm like Kramer getting off the train. Right, right. So I swim in like a salmon going the wrong stream. Exactly.

So I got to swim against stream just to get in the line. The line's going to be 20 minutes. So I just put it in the pocket and I go, why don't I just borrow this? Yeah. To myself, you know so I just put it in the pocket, and I go, Love it, love it. Why don't I just borrow this? Yes. And I thought to myself, you know, I try to, I'm in a program, rigorous honesty, I try to be fair and square, I go, you know what?

I'll come back. I'll say, oops, it slipped, I'll go pay for this. I know that old lie. So I put it in the pocket, I get it, it's invigorating. I walk out, there's a security guy. I'm hard. Of course you have this classic thing thing to you just get out you try to keep moving I look back and Matt's like still in the store. I'm like He's like I didn't see you I'm like I stole the thing. Yes, and he's supportive. He's a good friend

He's like I wish I stole something. Yeah, liberal puck. No, here we go. So it's $15 Canadian, which is I think 30 cents American Yeah So I sit there and I'm feeling guilty is I think 30 cents American. Yeah. So I sit there and I'm feeling guilty. I feel like a piece of shit. I stole a hockey puck. What am I doing? And I go, but they're a billion dollar corporation. The tickets are $800. It's way marked up. Exactly. And you know, they're the Bruins rival. And I go, oh, a lot of what do you call that? Where you make up stuff to prove your point? Uh, justification. Yeah. A lot of, what do you call that? Where you make up stuff to prove your point? Justification.

Yeah, a lot of justification here. So I go, well, whatever. Then a couple periods pass, whatever, we're sitting there. Second intermission, I go down to the snack stand, Matt stays behind, I get a big family pack of M&Ms. Nice. $11. Yikes.

Crazy. I text Matt, I go, hey, I got us some M&Ms we can share, sharing size. I go, okay, I also grabbed myself a slice of pizza. I'm a boy, you know, I got a slice of pizza, a water, a pinwheel hat, and a baby dildo. I love it. Have a nice time, I come up back to the seats,

sit down next to Matt and I go, all right, let's have some M&Ms. Not in my pocket. The puck. The M&Ms. Oh, the M&Ms are not. I go, what the fuck? Oh, maybe they. Not in my pocket. The puck. The M&Ms. Oh the M&Ms are not. I go what the fuck. Oh maybe they must be in this pocket. I reach in. No M&Ms. I go maybe they're in my hoodie. I unzip the coat. I go to the hoodie. They fell out of my pocket. Oh! It's karma Kramer. Payback. I stole a $15 buck. Wow. Then I buy a $12 M&Ms. I lost it. I lost the M&Ms. You're even Steven.

So I ended up, I mean, I made up three bucks. OK, you're still up. But I didn't get to eat my snack. It's like the God, the hockey gods, the French assholes, Trudeau, whatever. They took back my money. They got you. Well, that'll teach you a lesson, Fatty.

You shouldn't be stealing. It's a good lesson. Doubt shall not steal, M&M, great rapper. Yeah, so how about that? Wow, that's crazy. It all, life finds a way of figuring it out. Yeah, that's what they said, I think. So now you just sit there M&M-less, like a chump.

I know, I was bummed out at one of the M&Ms, but it all worked out. I could argue you didn't need the M&Ms. There's a lot of sugar, a lot of fat, a lot of jizz, and your teeth are gonna need cleaning, and now your son is still happy when you show him the puck. I brought home the puck, he's got the puck, and by the way, I went to the doctor,

my blood pressure dropped to 25 points. Holy shit, you've been eating worse. Bananas. Ah. I credit the bananas, potassium bananas, plus I've been meditating more, running more, working out more. There you go. Ship shop shape. Now you tease, you said you got a story, working out more, I'm shop shaped.

Now you tease, you said you got a story and I can't wait to hear it. Well a couple things I want to run by you. So you and the lady, your kid is a year old. 15 months. 15 and a half months, yeah. So you can't bang for six weeks. Yes. Which is an eternity.

So I'm bent up, backed up. Well you can beat off. Well, that's the other thing. We've been so busy, I haven't had a chance to beat. No beat. No beat. So I was home alone yesterday. I got the kid right here and you go, all right, well, the lady's out, but I got to watch the kid, but gotta beat. Sure. So I don't want to do it in front of the kid. He just turned his head. Yeah I didn't want him to hear it. Yeah. I felt weird. Plus I want to play the porno. So I was like huh. So now you want to go to the bathroom to rub one out but you're so worried you're gonna rub one out finish run back the

kids will be face down in the pool. Right. So go, I can't do that because imagine the headline, man jerks it to Asian whore and kid dies. You don't want to be that guy. But I gotta get out of it. I'm pimp. So I just say fuck it and I build a fort around the kid. Full fort. Build that wall and I run to the bathroom. I have the porn ready, sock on, and it's been so long. I literally finished in like, it said the title, it said like Asian skank and I went, uh. New root. Yeah, I new root all over the sock. I threw the sock in the washing machine, ran back,

kid was alive. I did the exact same thing many times because we had our old apartment you saw it there was like the living room bedroom were kind of attached with double doors lay in the bed and like do this thing because it'd be asleep on the little pillow bed right and you're just rubbing one out and it's awkward because you're jerking off in the same room as a child completely which is probably illegal yeah maybe I mean if their eyes are closed and you don't aim it at them, I think you're okay. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. All

right. Well, I shot most of it in his bottle, but either way, we got it done and I feel like a new man. Well, it's fine. I don't know how people are going to react to this because I tried to do it as a bit twice about jerking off of the baby next year. People just were like, Oh my God. I know. Just mention it. And then another joke that I thought was funny, I was like, he's sleeping on me, I'm his bed, and then sometimes you get a boner just because you haven't had sex in so long. Ooh, yeah.

No, no, it wasn't that, it wasn't that. That's tough. It wasn't that, that was like, the setup was different, but anyways, the whole thing, the punchline was, imagine if your bed got a boner all of a sudden. Oh, that's funny. If you're like, you're his bed. Yeah.

So it's weird, like if you move, that was it. I'm like, I'm his bed. So if I move slightly, it wakes him up, which I get. Imagine you're sound asleep and all of a sudden your bed has a boner. That's good memory foam. That was the joke. But people were just like, oh my god.

Yeah. It's just the connection of the two. But that's a good point. Although also, you could use the boner to hold him up. Like if he's sitting here and you're hard, that's like a little plank. Oh, that's a good point. Although also you could use the boner to hold him up. Like if he's sitting here and you're hard That's like a little plank. Oh, that's not bad. I mean, it's not good, right? But yeah, it could work but yeah, you get I mean it's hard because You'd you still get boners. You're still you know, you're in your prime. Maybe not your prime, but you're alive

I'm alive. I'm not 45 and I get boners on planes. I'm not attracted to planes. Good point. Thank you, Virgin Air. But yeah, so I had to run that by you and now I feel better that you've done the same. Absolutely, you gotta get it in. I mean, you just have to come. You have to or else a school gets shot up.

Exactly, you go fucking nuts. All right, now let me run this by you because this has been gnawing at my crawl, whatever that means. So I live in this hood now. You do live in a hood. Matt Ruby lives a couple blocks down, my old pal. Ruby.

One of the first guys. Veeders is the first comic I ever met in New York, made friends. Ruby's number two. That's funny, because Ruby was my first friend. Me, so was Ruby. Isn't that a funny team? That's que- That was the big three. That's funny, because Ruby was my first friend. Me, Soder and Ruby. Whoa! Isn't that a funny team? That's que-

That was the big three. That's queer. So Ruby's here. So now we're living near each other like old times. I said, let's hang. So we go to lunch every now and then. We do writing sessions at the coffee shop, whatever. So we ride home the train together from the cellar.

We're utilizing. Sure. So he goes, hey, what do you think about a writing session? 130P Mocha Joe. we're utilizing. So he goes, hey, what do you think about a writing session? 130p mocha Joe. I go, book it, faggot. So we head over there, me and him, we're going at it, we're getting some juice, we're really flowing with the writing. What do you got? What do you got? We're cooking. Hey, that's a good, let me write that down. Now I throw out what Louis CK calls a long shot. You know those? Sure.

He did a part where he said he has like his writing and then he has what he calls long shots where he's like, these will never work, but I think they're funny. Yeah, let me try. Yeah. So I go, let me throw a long shot at you. And it's a crazy bit. Basically, the bit is comparing only fans, women get harassed so they can empower themselves by making money off of it.

Sure. Black guys or Jews or gays get discriminated against. Wouldn't it be nice if it was only hate? Like, hey you want to call me the N-word, pay five bucks and you can say it to my face. Okay. So now you're taking the power back. I like that. That's the premise. I like that. Thank you. That's the premise. Yeah, I'll see where it goes but that's that's a long shot because it's a crazy idea. So I'm fleshing this bit out. Ruby's like, this, maybe say that.

This is something. And we're getting all amped up. We're getting into it. And this lady, one table over at the coffee shop, goes, excuse me, excuse me. And we're like, oh, shit. Because first, you first thought, oh, shit, someone's listening to us?

Right. This is awkward. So I was like, oh, are we too loud? Sorry, what's up? And she goes, I think I have an idea for your bit. What? I think I know why it's not working. What?

And you're like, it's very jarring and very, what do you call it when someone breaks into your house? It's a... You should know. That's true. Intrusive. Intrusive. Very intrusive. So you're already a little ashamed and a little embarrassed. You weren't listening to all that? My worst nightmare. Yeah, so I go, yeah, she goes, I

think your bit's not working because it's fucking stupid. And I was like, oh jeez. I love this lady. I was like, we're in, okay, it's on. So I was like, what? What are you, you're jarring, it's jarring. So I was like, what, huh? What are you talking about? She goes, well, this is the problem. You're comparing OnlyFans basically to lynching. So now I'm like, oh, you're a crazy person. No one mentioned anything about lynching. This is all an online thing. It's a joke.

First of all, we're working on a joke. People really throw lynching out there. They throw lynching out. So it's a big throw. Huge throw. A double-armed toss. Yes, big noose. Who's the fat guy at your door by the way?

I think that's the wife's dad just showed up. Oh, Jesus. This handsome, handsome guy. This pod's ruined, but the fat guy's not her dad. Okay. So I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now I've been in this situation before where the young cunt thinks she knows everything and has to yell at you.

Sure. So I used to be like, no, you don't understand. I used to try to explain and rationalize, which never has worked once in history. And so I just go, well, what's the problem? Blah, blah, blah. And she's like, well, first of all, not all women do OnlyFans. I was like, I never said they did.

And she goes- Not all women do OnlyFans. That's the 1% of women do OnlyFans. And I go, what do you know about only fans and she goes well I think I know more than you because I'm a woman and I'm like well I'm on only fans like I'm a member or a subscriber and I go are you on only fans and her whole face changed she was like and she took super offense like I was calling her a whore and I go whoa whoa whoa she's like how dare you say that to

me done I'm like whoa what's wrong being that to me? Da da da, I'm like, whoa, what's wrong with being an OnlyFans? Sex work is real work. Now I'm flipping it on her. The old flipperoo. What's good for the goose is good for the cunt. So I go, yeah, whoa, you're really talking down to these OnlyFans, you're some kind of elitist, you think you're better than these people? And she was like, well, no, no, and I got her,

I got her on the ropes. All right. So I go, yeah, what the hell's your problem? You think you're better than these guys? You think you condescend to them? You belittle them? How dare you? These are real women trying to make a living

and you're making them feel like shit. You think you're better than them? But she was like, no, blah, blah. Closed her laptop, walked away. All right, that's one for the good guy. Yeah. Beat it, lady. But insane, right?

Also stop listening to my, I don't want anyone listening to me, but first of all, I said that too. Why are you saying that you're listening? That's crazy. I know, I go, why are you listening to my bit. I mean, I don't want anyone listening to me. But first of all, I said that to saying that you're listening That's crazy. I know I go why are you listening to my conversation? He goes well, you guys are being very loud That's our answer. You are a little low. I guess she got me there. I was worked up at the pit We were making some headway. That's why I hate writing in public. I'm talking like that Never again. Yeah, but here's what bugs about the whole thing and we've talked about this before

She's gonna she left in a huff as you do She's gonna walk out in the street find her dumb blue-haired fat friend and go I I really confronted these two racists at the coffee shop today cuz I'm a hero dad. You're like you're so far off You have no idea what you're talking about and now we're racist because you're an idiot and it's a fucking joke It's a silly joke. It's a long shot silly bit. It's funny and you're like, well I'm not being real about any of this. I'm not doing anything. I'm goofing. Yeah, I'm putting a premise together with a punch line and then I'll move on with my life. There's nothing happening in the world. I'm not holding anybody down. I'm not perpetuating a stereotype. I'm not hurting a marginalized

group. I'm working on a zinger. You're entertaining Yeah, so that just dry and you know what I Don't really bugs by this shit is when people go race isn't funny racism isn't funny And you're like well of course it isn't but I make it funny right toothbrushes aren't funny, but Seinfeld has a toothbrush bit That's funny. We make things funny. I hate when people go hey Seinfeld has a toothbrush bit that's funny. We make things funny. I hate when people go, hey, talking about fat people isn't funny.

Well, tell that to John Panett and Louis Anderson and all the fat comics who made a career off being fat and talking about it. Well, also, ignorance is funny, though. Of course. I mean, it is funny. Yeah. When a guy's like, hey, I can't go down there.

They got fucking blacks in there. That's fucking hilarious. That's the whole show. You're a moron. Yeah, people walking by. That's what we're doing. We're faking ignorance. I mean, all in. That's the whole show. You're a moron. Yeah, people walking by, that's what we're doing. We're faking ignorance. I mean, all in the family is the whole show is that.

Exactly, that's every single punchline. Exactly, and it's a great show. Emmy award winning. Oh yeah, big time. I think it won Peabody. Who is Peabody, by the way? Is it Jerry Peabody, Dave Peabody? Yeah, that's a good question.

Who's the Peabody? Jeff Peabody? I don't know, Johnny P? Big award, I don't know much about it. Big award. Who's Nobel? Oh yeah. I think he's Swedish, right? Or French, Denmark, Finland? Slow Google. Who's Nobel? Okay, we got Peabody. Who's Peabody? That's where Gary Gummons from. George Foster Peabody, an American businessman and philanthropist who significantly contributed to the University of Georgia. Oh alright, go dogs. How about that? Peaches. There you go. Okay, well yeah, this Peabody, this Nobel, this Pulitzer. Pulitzer, that's big. That's a writer one. Yeah, so I had to get that off my chest because it just drives me crazy because you go,

you're so wrong. But you can never tell them because they're worked up. So the emotions are high and they'll never go, ah, that was bad. Well, it's literally psychotic. I mean, it's a fucking private conversation and you're just an asshole. And I just don't, I don't get the thing of like nailed him. I know, I know. But yeah, She's telling the story so I wonder if she knows you think she knew who you were? No I was feeling out that she had no idea and I also thought is she like an open mic'er? But she knew nothing

about comedy or anything and I don't think she knew who I was either but yeah that it's just even if somebody we were at a coffee shop and I heard two people like so we're gonna take the Jews we're gonna round like so we're gonna take the Jews We're gonna round them up. We're gonna put them in center. Ater. I would just go You're not gonna believe what I heard earlier, right? I would I wouldn't even go. Excuse me. Excuse you Let me let me pipe in here. Well, you shouldn't cuz they'd be like this guy's a Jew for sure. That's true. That's true God that is one of the craziest things I've heard in a long time, but that's the big fear of writing in a coffee shop or in public. That's why I'm always fucking whispering so much. But this is why I want to bring your show back.

In Consider Nation. Yes! This show needs to exist. Even if it, we were talking about this earlier, just like People's Court, there's Petty Court, where you just show up and go, I was at a coffee shop, I was doing a bit, she yelled at me, who's right, who's wrong. Right, well it's like, same with the movie theater doing a bit, she yelled at me, who's right, who's wrong. Right, well it's not, yeah, same with the movie theater lady that gives the figure.

Yes, who's right, who's wrong. I think that would be a unanimous, she's going to the chair or whatever. I hug, fry that whore. Unbelievable, I mean that is truly unbelievable. Quite the coos. This guy's taking a real professional photo, video of the neighbors. Taking a view

of another person's house. Yeah, he's got a headset on and everything. He's really getting in there. Not our house, thank God, but. No, if he turns around, he'll really get a Christmas turkey. Gobble gobble. Any sense? Bloo, bloo, bloo.

Yeah, I mean, I get it. That would be, you can't even go back to that coffee shop again. Oh, I'm going back, because we kicked her out. We stood our ground, and she eventually left. And also, stuff like that, I used to sit with it for weeks, and just be like, what the fuck, I'm going back, because we kicked her out. We stood our ground, and she eventually left. And also, stuff like that, I used to sit with it for weeks and just be like, what the fuck? I'm in the shower like that fucking crazy kooze,

Jesus Christ. And now I have no thoughts about it. I can tell you're over it. Wow. But I don't have the bad feeling. I'm still mad at her, but I don't have that shameful, I fucked up, what have I done, who am I? Well, this is the thing, and this is what I've been trying to fucking warn you about and I'm telling you what

I said every time you move into the belly of the asshole you're in the fuck everyone's got skinny pants and wacky hats yeah Ruby by the way that's true all scarves and fucking Tolstoy monocles and weird pets this is no good you come to battery Park City you can light all the minorities up you go. What about the black they dance great and they whatever Now you're you're living in paradise, but I thought you were gonna say the Trump thing this trumps America like once Trump got elected Everybody's on edge I'm not saying nothing about Trump. I love Trump. He's my number one man I think he's the greatest it's awesome. But yeah, no, that's that's it

I mean all these people that rail thinking well Trump's gonna get in is gonna be no more PC I'm like, that's hilarious. You think all these people are gonna go away, right? They're gonna get louder Yeah, what the fuck we can't pop up this Google bit pop pop Well, I shouldn't have invested in USAID last year. That was a mistake. Lost a ton of money on that. Folks, if you're doing boring, repetitive tasks and it's bogging you down, your business, you need ShipStation. ShipStation lets you automate shipping tasks and manage your orders all in one easy to

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Tell them you got it from us. Support the show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your every day with Viya. But yeah, these are wacky times, but she's wrong. Of course she's wrong. Thank you, that's all I needed was the acknowledgement. I mean, that would only make sense. Even if you bounce the joke off of her,

she could say, that's crazy, fuck you. But even if she's in the audience, it's crazy. If she's overhearing a conversation, that's crazy. Well, whatever happened to not liking something? She could just sit there with her laptop and be like, gee, these guys are hacks. This is not funny. Right. I don't like this bit. This bit sucks. They suck. But to go, that bit's fucking stupid is like, well, it's not done yet also. Right. Let me do the bit for six months, record it, and I'll send it to you. Yeah. And it'll be hilarious. Now you got to make the bit work.

That's the ultimate revenge. That's the plan. Get the bit cooking, send it to you. Yeah, and it'll be hilarious. Now you gotta make the bit work. That's the ultimate revenge. That's the plan. Get the bit cookin', get it on Netflix. That morning, that Christmas morning, she wakes up, opens her gifts, gets her bullshit, she's all alone, cause she's a piece of shit. She turns on Netflix and goes, oh this guy looks funny, and then she hears Only Fans, Only Farts, Only whatever.

Only Blacks. And that's the ultimate revenge. It's a spite bit. Spite bit. Making the bit work because of spite. I love it. Thank you. I'm a spiteful son of an onion myself.

Oh, I miss the road. The road is good. Let me try to think of one. Oh, the other thing we have. Did you ever go to the Cinema Le Mure? Cinema Le Mure. In Montreal? Cinema of Love. Is that what that means Cinema Le Moure? Cinema Le Moure. In Montreal? Cinema of love.

Is that what that means, Le Moure? Yeah. It's Le Moure. It all makes sense. That makes sense. So it's an old cinema. Chuck, put the photo in right here of Cinema Le Moure. Whistling.

Here it is. So it's this old family operated porno theater in Montreal. This place is a classic, a staple. Supposedly that's where Houdini got punched in the stomach. And then we went in there like, that's completely false. It didn't happen here. Wait, who punched Houdini? That's how Houdini died. Somebody punched him in the stomach a bunch, blindsided him. And then his condition got worse and worse. Probably some cunt at a coffee shop heard one of his bits. Yeah. She said, hey, that trick sucks.

You piece of shit. Yeah, exactly. It smacked him one. So I had walked by this back in 2017. I've spent a lot of time in Montreal, probably three months of my life there. I've gone there 50 times. It's a great city, one of the great jewels

of the United States. Is that for the booze back in the day? What were you doing up there? Yeah, because titty bars and booze. When I was a boy in 2002, 2003, you could drink there. Plus we would show up with 200 American dollars, turn it in, get 300 and party for the weekend. Woo, that's living.

It was awesome. And then it had full nude, you could touch the girls. We went to the Red Sox Montreal Expos back in the day. Went to the Canadians game, we'd go to the titty bars. What a life, that's paradise. Oh, it was fucking awesome. And then we had the day, went to the Canadians game, we'd go to the titty bars. What a life, that's paradise. Oh, it was fucking awesome. And then we had the festival, we've been four or five times,

and then what else did we go up there? Then I did the comedy works a bunch of times, comedy nest a bunch of times, it's just a home away from home. Sure. So I've walked by the cinema before, you know me, I'm a cinephile and a pedophile, so I saw the building and I was telling Matt,

I was like, over in this neighborhood somewhere, there's this old family operated porn theater. That's like a classy porn place. Okay. Just that moment we drive by and I was like, we gotta come by here after the show. So we do the two shows, we go, we jump into cabs. They take us to cinema Lamore, which feels hilarious.

It's just two buddies in the back seat of a cab going to a porn theater. It's old roux. And I say, let's just go in. I want to take some photos. I want to get some history. I'm going to buy a t-shirt. I should have worn the t-shirt.

Does this shirt have jizz on it? Wouldn't that be fun if it came with a stain? It will soon. Yeah. I can get my baby to go to bed. So we go in there, and I'm thinking it's going to be weirdo, freak, taxi driver, fucking racco. We walk in, and there's two people behind the counter.

One is a man, I don't know how he identifies, but certainly looked like a man, but had booty shorts, like up to here. Big, thick legs, probably 6'3". Long hair with like a dyed streak. I'm interested. And little booty shorts and a tight t-shirt. Now, go on.

I don't want to stereotype. Please. But sometimes when you meet a person of this ilk, like a kind of a guy with like heels and booty shorts and long hair. Androgynous. They're a little bit like this. Excuse me, what are you doing here?

Yes. Yes. This guy was like, hey, what's up guys? How's it going? And I kinda developed a thing for him cause you know, I'm gay and straight at the same time. This is the kind of guy I wanna have sex with. Sure, sure.

Well, he's got the long legs. He's probably got some heels on. Exactly. Long hair. Yeah, he's very feminine, but still has a huge dong that he can put in your ass. Looks like a lady, but he's like, hey, what's up guys? And then the other person, one of the hottest women I've ever seen. Okay. I talked about all the time that Irish look of jet black hair.

I love jet black. Blue eyes. Oh that's good. Fair skin, petite, she had these pants that were like sagging on the hips like a little space here. Oh, sag harbor. And then Brendan Sagalow, and then a little, low cut, little tits, the way I like. You like a small tit on a man. You give me black hair and small tits, I'll suck them off. I could teach you, meet you Chuck here, right? He's right there.

Those are medium tits, but. That's true. I don't care for his googling speed, but true I I walk it doesn't even girlfriend. Do you have a girlfriend? I can't remember he's got a couple We walk in the Baker right? What's her name? Johnny Steve Dave. All right We're teasing our god

We're teasing her. The baker's gone. We're having a good time. Oh you're with the candlestick maker now. There we go. We walk in this woman is so it strikes me I'm struck by her, I'm struck by him. There's a lot of wires and cones are off here. You're getting all kinds of signals. All signals and it's porn this vintage porn. I might buy one. Some beautiful vintage porn posters all for sale. It's like a museum in there. Sure. We walk in and I go, hey, I'm just, I'm very, I'm nervous. I don't want them to think we're two homos that are trying to blow each other to porn. Right. That was a big move back in the day. So I go, Hey, Houdini was punched here. And then she goes, that was a rumor. Then she starts explaining the theater.

It's been there since 1914 or something. They play movies from the 2010s. I'm like, what kind of people come in? She's like all kinds. They play a 90 2010s. I'm like, what kind of people come in? She's like, all kinds. They play a 90 minute porn. I'm like, people stay for the whole movie? She's like, they stay for multiple movies, back to back. That's a lot of jerking. And I was asking about it and she goes,

if you're curious, you can just pop in. You don't have to buy a ticket. Let me just look in there. Love a pop in. Took a couple photos. We could put a photo here. And it was wonderful, except the guys are all like I'm like cock-bunny. They're looking back at me. Then they have a couple's balcony. Oh

Couples only that's a sticky floor. You go up there. I go. Can you fuck and they go? Oh, yeah people are up there Fuck right now And I'm gonna take my wife there and try to fuck her in the balcony to porn. I mean, how fun is that? I'll take her there too. Absolutely. I'll watch. But, uh, so upstairs you got the company, couple's balcony. Everyone's up there fucking a few feet from each other, kind of voyeur-y. Then downstairs you just sit, you have, they have candy, M&M's, O'Henry bars, popcorn, an old coke machine. Get yourself another bag of M's. It was fucking awesome. We got the whole lesson, the whole, we just bullshitted with these two people.

It was one of those great moments where you're hanging out on the road meeting people and then I go, what is there to eat now? We're hungry. She goes, you gotta go to Pee Pee Poopoo or Tata Potato or something like that. Little hole in the wall diner down the street. Pee Pee Poopoo, that place stinks.

We walk up there and it's one of these places that's got four bar stools and two high tops it's tiny packed. Ah yeah mom and pop. Mom and pop it's called patia papaya or something like that we'll put that photo here. Grace papaya. I go let me let me have a cheese burger laying on me the guy couldn't have been nicer hey he's loads of compotante boo cooked us up a burger had some Canadian punk rock we shazam'd every single song. Wow. And it was just fucking great. We went back to the port theater to say that restaurant was awesome.

Wow. We loved it. I wanted to propose to the woman. See, this is word of mouth. This is what it's all about, Jerry. It was awesome. So just a great trip to Montreal. And it was fun to just, I love when you see a thing that you want to check out.

So you go there and from there you just That is nice. That's how life used to work. You just kind of floated. Oh, what do you got? What do you got? Oh, let's go here. Let's try this you go to a record store Then you go to a coffee shop then you go to a restaurant then you go to a dive bar. That was the best It's the best and so you got to go up there next time we should go up there and do a pocket It's all Tuesday's as far as the really Yeah, we got some great gifts one guy gave me the 1969 So you gotta go up there next time. We should go up there and do a podcast. It's all Tuesdays as far as the eye can see. Really? Yeah, yeah. We got some great gifts.

One guy gave me the 1969 Playmate calendar. What? Which I was like, is this in reference to anything? He just gave me 1969 porn because they love porn. You should see how hot these women are. It's crazy. I believe it. They were way hotter then.

Now they're all tatted up and biting you and cutting stuff and piercings and fake tits fake face fake dick the lips I don't get the lips the big no thank you the duck build needle in the lip yeah I don't get it either and they're so aggressive now these porn back in the day they were like oh I just got out of the shower right it was the whore next door. And they were wearing a varsity sweater. One has a plastic poncho on. She's naked. See if you can look that up. 1969 Playmate plastic thing.

It's like a rain, maybe rain, I don't know. Rain slicker? Rain slicker, yeah. She's in a see-through rain slicker. That's a good Google. A rain slicker with the drips and the nipples. Oh, I love a dribble. It's so hot. Holy hell, rain slicker.

No! Oh! Wait, that's not it. Let me see. Mama Sita, put that up right here, too. It looks pretty similar to your description. Oh, that's very similar, but that's not the exact one. Hachi-machi.

This is quite, this is good pot right here. Oh my god. This is, this is my best Google ever. This is different. Oh man. It looks very, this is, this is my best Google ever. This is different. Oh man, wow. It looks very similar. That slicker was made for that shoot. Let me see, let me see.

See, it was young, cute ladies back then. Wow. This is a gal you might see at a coffee shop who'll yell at you. Damn, this isn't quite it, but that is hot. Wow. Something similar to that. Playboy.

But yeah, so thank you for the gift. I mean, people brought great gifts. The Seinfeld thing, the 69 Playboy. Playboy. Something similar to that. But yeah, so thank you for the gift. I mean, people brought great gifts. The Seinfeld thing, the 69 Playboy. Very exciting. Look at this, right? No, it's not that. Nah, she's ugly. But it looks kind of like that.

Okay. Suit through rain jacket. I don't know. You just had an old porno kind of day. Old porno theater, you're getting a calendar. It was awesome. And that kind of fulfilled the need of the new, because that's a very sex city. You wish your wife was there because it's very sexy.

It is. Did you go to old Montreal? We did. Well, this is the thing that was a bummer. Probably freezing up there. It was freezing. Matt had never been there before. And I was like, we're going to climb Mount Royale. We'll go to old Montreal. I'll show you this city. And it was literally 12 degrees, like feels like 12.

But we went to expectation a couple of times. OK. That's the big place underneath the hotel for the festival. I missed that festival. That was a hoot and a holler that fest. It was a good time. I got laid there, but it was just, it was just a good, you're right, it's sexual city. It's the French. It's the most sexual city. And this, I was tough to be with because, you know, you've been to the festival four or five times. I wonder what Matt has never been. I'm like, oh, it's usually this right here. One time Anthony DeVito and I went here.

I hiked the mountain with Ari and Isabel here. There was the after party here. This is where Todd Glass punched out Cosby. There's all these. Still remember the Stan Hope? Oh. Wow. That looks more like it.

That's like a cartoon. This is a Playboy cover, but it's from 1970-something. Remember the Stan Hope gas station? Oh, that's when we barely knew each other. Car wash, sorry. Yes, the car wash. Car wash, yeah. So Stan Hope, just for the layman.

Just for Spite Festival. Yeah, Spite Bit. He was not allowed at the festival for some reason. He fucked Jeff Singer's dad or something, and he was drunk. So Jeff Singer said, you're not allowed here. And he's like, but I'm a comedian. It's a comedy festival.

He goes, no, not on my watch. I watched him fight in the lobby. I was there, yeah. Yes, like an umpire in a picture. And then he goes, all right, well, we'll do my own fest. He rents out a car wash, hires a band, gets six kegs. The whole, every comic, every festival member went there and I remember the leader of the fest or the president goes, if you go to Doug

Stanhope's fest you'll be kicked out of comedy forever, you'll be banished to an island and we all went. Yeah everybody went it was fucking awesome. Tom Dustin was there that year. Yeah. Check out the movie. Oh yeah. Good photo of that too. Oh yeah there's a couple photos of us together, all three of us, but yeah the guy was like, Jeff Singer I think it was, was like, get out of here, Doug. You don't belong here. You weren't invited.

And Doug was like, I'm a guest at the hotel. I have a key. Yes. I'm staying here. You have nothing to do with this. Like, you don't own the hotel. They own the hotel. I rented it.

And then I remember bumping into people going, I want to go to that party, but you get banned. I was like, I was just over there. Everybody's over there. Everybody's there. And he did an open mic at one point. Remember he just like, grrr, hooked up a mic to a generator

and was like, here you go. It was fucking insane. It was awesome. The Just For Spite party, festival. We were hammered. You were still drinking back then. Oh, you got that straight. I'm still drinking from that night.

Yeah, I don't remember much. It was all a blur, but boy, it was just a great time. That's what comedy used to be. Now it's a cut, y'all. That's in a coffee shop. It was a hazy weekend. And that's when I first learned about you because we, I thought we had hit it off and I said, we're going to have the time of our life. This is going to be great. Never heard from you once. Never saw you, never heard. I texted you. I'm like, you never wrote back. And you'd be like this, I'm on my way.

And I'd be like, oh yeah, he's coming. Well, I didn't have the family plan at the, I was in Canada. I was on international time. That was when I realized you were like a fog. You're trying to catch in a cup. I'm like, where is this man? And people are like, I thought you had a new best friend.

Where is he? I'm like, don't worry, he exists. He goes to a different school. God hates fogs. But we met up at night for the gig. The one gig, yeah, we had the contest. And who was your team? It was New York, I was Boston.

I was with Bethany Van Delft and Lamond Price. Wow. Even though I lived in New York. And you were on team New York with Ryan Hamilton. And Ophira Eisenberg. And we won. Because we hit it off, Ophira. Me and Tom Dustin went out

They were like best pals because I think they both smoked Interesting and that's where I first saw the Bill Hicks move doc. Oh scream. No, that's the book Movie is called national hero No, something patriotic Americans American scream is the book ah the movie is called it changed my life it got me sober I was like I gotta I gotta be like this guy I watched it that movie is great and then like two weeks later they show him as a boy a lot of old footage Johnny pineapple or whatever the fuck American

the Bill Hicks story America it's America go yeah it was patriotic that movie's fantastic and I watched it, I bought it and watched it like a week before I got sober because I was like, that's what I need, this is me, I could be Bill Hicks, hasn't worked out yet. That sobriety run for you was wild. What did you, you went out in Beantown, you blacked out, you lost your car, your mom kicked you out of the house, then you're like, I got to get my shit together. You got on a train, went to New York, we went to the creek. You blacked out, you fucked a guy,

and then you lit the place on fire and kicked a kid. And then you're like, all right, now I really gotta get some. Yeah, we gotta get going. Then I did Letterman, which was exciting, and then Comedy Central Half Hour, and then Last Comic Standing, and then Netflix that nobody saw. Yeah, yeah, to catch a predator.

Nobody knows I'm on Netflix. Yeah, no one... No one is aware of it. No one saw mine either. The half hour, no one sees. 100%. Nobody realizes, knows, have ever heard of it. It's crazy.

Nate popped off his, and that was it. That was the end of that. Yeah, he went first on the first one, and no one watched one second after it. No, they went, that was great. Thank you, that's all we needed. You should take that and cut it all up. But I think I've cut some things, but I think they're good at finding it on YouTube.

No, that's comedy. I've cut all mine up and it's all out there. Oh really? I tried to do a documentary with Hake Sets and use his Netflix stuff, and it all got flagged. I couldn't use any of it. Really? Yeah, it got good.

I had to use still images of it because of that. Mine's all up there. I'll tell you who the best is at finding it is Last Comic Standing. Last Comic Standing, I've thought like, and Neil Brennan I think just did it on blocks, which I've never gotten better feedback than that blocks podcast. I posted on the Patreon because I thought it was so excellent. Oh, thank you. People loved it.

Oh, appreciate it. People are going crazy for it. What's the gist? What, you just unloaded? Oh, we just talked about all the things. You've known the pod, you've done it, right? Yeah, yeah, I just didn't know if you had a special moment where you cried or blew him.

Nah, no. Okay. Everyone's like, they look the same. I'm like, we're just guys with glasses. I don't get it. We look totally different. He's got much more of a rodentia quality. It's amazing how much, like, people,

two people with glasses, like, they're like, ah, Harry Potter. And I get so many tweets being like, Joe List, and I'm like, this, Harry Potter. I get so many tweets being like, Joelys, and I'm like, this is just a man that has glasses on. It's like so insane to me. I know, I get that with curly hair. Curly hair, you guys, boy meets world, Shia LaBeouf.

I'm like, I don't look anything like Shia LaBeouf. Yeah, it's just like, what are we talking about? I love that Shia LaBeouf, by the way. He's fun. First class. You ever see his meltdown? I don't know. Oh, I mean, N-word, like N-word, F-word, R-word.

Oh, really? Yeah, I know. I became a fan after that. But he went on. He's in the back of a cop car like, I'm going to beat your fagging ass, you bee, bee, bee. N-word, N-word. Oh, wow. Yeah.

It's a good time. He's a hell of an actor. I might have one more thing. You had something else? Uh-oh. We're over. Oh, jeez. Oh, no. I had to get that rant out. I had to tell you about jerking it for the first time and my parents are coming in 39 minutes. Well, and her dad's here also?

Yeah, that was random. I don't know what that's about and I'm praying to God he's not hearing this. But that was actually her dad? Yeah. And you weren't expecting it? Doesn't he live in Massachusetts? He does, but he works in New York. He's an engineer. And I saw him earlier and he goes, Hey, I'm just in town. Don't mind me. And I said, okay, he goes, I'll be by later. And I was like, all right. And that was it like one. Oh God, that's terrifying. The poppin. I need a buffer. A dad-in-law poppin. Yeah. Yeah. Not good. Yikes. He has a key. I gave him a key. I'm weak. Popped out.

Yeah, wow, that's crazy. And your parents. Yeah, so, and a baby. We got a lot going on. Have your parents met the baby? No. This is it. This is it, the baby.

We're just gonna go, here you go, and we're going to dinner. No kidding. All right, well, we better wrap it up then because we have time for a bonus? Yeah, yeah, we got it. They're coming. All right, well, let's do some pluggity-do's. I'll be at Nashville, Smashville.

I need to come into a glass of water. Nashville, Zanies, March 7th and 8th. Fun club. And then the weekend after that, Tempe, Tempe, Arizona, March 13th, 14th, and 15th. And boy, I don't know where else I'm gonna be. April 10th to the 12th, Minneapolis, Acme. Get those tickets early, that's selling like hotcakes.

April 19th, of course, I will be at the Wilbur Theater. That is going to sell out very soon. Our Patreon is popping off. It's higher than it's ever been because it's better than it's ever been. We gotta get together and film something soon. Let's do that, because we got a bunch of shit on film, video, us fucking around, dojo, the stand on stage together, green room, multiple comics, pop-ins, little

stage performance, little riffing on stage, little stand up. It's all there. I mean, you're, you're living in New York with this Patreon. We got serious about the Patreon. We got babies, we got mortgages. I don't have a mortgage, you have a mortgage. Oh yeah. There's an hour and 20 minute documentary about the behind the scenes with you two, Brendan Sagalow, and it goes back and forth,

with you two on stage together riffing for probably 35 minutes. Wow. It's a feature film. It's crazy. I mean, it's a feature film of us behind the stage for what, $5 a month? Oh my god. Suck it, 824.

This is real filmmaking. That's crazy. And what was I about to say? Something funny about something on stage together. Patreon. Gotta do it. How about this? How about this?

Please. Today, my wife comes home. She goes, hey, I was talking to the lady at the playground where you jumped in the ball pit. They're still mad. They home, she goes, hey I was talking to the lady at the playground where you jumped in the ball pit, they're still mad. They go, she goes, yeah the lady was telling me about this school, what do you call the school where they do things, they don't learn in books, but they do monasteries.

Monasori. Monasori. Yes, magnet. That sounds like a Canadian apology, sorry. Sorry. Monasori. $4,000 a month. For the ball pit? No, no, for the monasori. Oh, I'm sorry. $4,000 a month. For the ball pit?

No, no, for the monosori. Oh, that's bananas. 4,000 a month. That's what Sarah said. I'm like, well, he's not going there. What are you, nuts? Our rent is 5,000 a month. That's crazy.

4,000 a month. And then the kids are just sick all the time. He wouldn't even go. He'd just be sick. 4,000. That's the kind of fucking world we're living in. What a city. Plop that kid in front of a YouTube tutorial. You're good to go. 4,000 a month. So anyways, join the Patreon for the kind of fucking world we're living in what a city plop that kid in front of a YouTube tutorial

You're good to go 4,000 a month so anyways join the page you over the love of Pete. Yes, we need the cash We're living in the most expensive city, and I think we got some price hikes I went to buy eggs the other day was 1788 well, but day one of the Trump presidency's brick Oh wait. No, it's day 20 shit I guess he hasn't gotten to that yet, but he'll get to it. Gas is going down, eggs are going down. Day one, he promised. Don't forget he promised. Gulf of America, we'll see you all in hell.

Thanks folks. Praise Allah. Your dates! Oh, geez, yeah, good point. Chuck's dates, your dates. Oh God, sorry. All right, I'm gonna be at the Ryman Theater. Speaking of Gashville, I'll be all over that. I'll be with Shane Gillis coming up in Minneapolis.

I'll be with Adam Ray in Chicago. We're doing the Chicago Theater, Dr. Phil. Wow. So that's going to be epic, as the kids say. And I think the night before I'm going to try to do a couple shows at the Den. I like that. You know about the Den? No, I don't know about the Den. That's a great room in Chicago. It fits about 200. So that's where Sam did his Netflix special. So get on the den, secret

show, put it out there now, Chicago, Reno, Vegas, all kinds of stuff. Uh oh, the dad's waving at me. So we'll see you in hell. I got to say bye to the dad. I'm sorry. There's a lot of plates spinning. I have a baby. What do you got, Choo Choo? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We just released a couple episodes with a very fun bit that we do called strangers in fiction where we provide descriptions of the host to The cheapest writers on fiber and they write a full script and we do the cold reading of the script Well on the descriptions that we provided and it's fucking hilarious. It's so fun Oh, love it. We should do on Tuesdays one time. They would be awesome. Patreon. Let's do it. Funbearablepod.com. Hot dog. Sorry, Mark's father-in-law is in the foyer. He's

feeling the bars to see who he is. He's such a dad. He's like, these are up. These work. This is hilarious. And Erica Boddue is right. Ah, she's the mayor of the neighborhood. Thank you folks! Peace out!