Tuesdays with Stories! - #594 Elmo is Urkel!

Episode Date: March 4, 2025

We are IN IT, everybody! Mark is living with his parents for TEN DAYS! Joe goes to see Little Women and is blown away with the lead - who's related to him! Mark does a set at a supper club, gets offered a hook up - and then hits up the club for a Valentine's Day dinner, 24 hours before the big day! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get up to 20% off your Raycon order at https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. To get started, visit https://www.bluechew.com -  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 50% off your 1 st Factor box, plus free shipping. Use code FACTORPODCAST at https://www.factormeals.com/FACTORPODCAST

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me and I can't Here we are! We're back at the house. The parents are somewhere. I think they're

dead in the Bronx right now, but the baby's upstairs and we're living. Wow, the parent, 10 day. I think they're dead in the Bronx right now, but the baby's upstairs and we're living. Wow. The parent 10 day. I mean, I can't even imagine my parents being near me for 10 days. It's been tough. Well, no one tells you you're going to be in the same room for 10 days. They come down to the living room, but they come down at 5 a.m. and they're just in the living room from 5 a.m. to midnight every day. So you're in the kitchen, the TV, all the good stuff's there and you want to just turn the TV on and make a cup of coffee

but that's a thing now. This is wonky bonky, conky donkey. I got four floors of whores here. They stay in the hot spot and if you go to a different floor they go, what are you doing up there? Well why can't you come down here? You got an office there. I got to work. I got to pay for the house house I'll be downstairs picking daisies and painting houses. Well my parents you know they they have an affliction Jerry where they have to ask a million questions

everything's questions. Right. Your parents don't ask questions. They ask zero questions. Mine ask too many they're like an interrogation cop where were you on the night of the 15th you know. Right. So anything I open up I can't open up too much because then they'll just pry pry pry it 15th? Right. So anything I open up, I can't open up too much because then they'll just pry, pry, pry it never ends. Right. So if I go, I got to go downstairs, do some work. What kind of work you doing? Podcast. What's the podcast about? We say queef and talk about jizzing on retarded kids for an

hour and a half. Oh, how's that doing? Pretty good. Your agent get you that? No, we do it ourselves. You do a podcast yourself? You see where'm going here with us this could go for days right, but can't you say I gotta go I gotta I'm late. I got I can't keep talking here. I could do that then they go whoa Big shot podcast much is it on retarded kids guys gotta go downstairs Away from us. We're boring old people a couple of funny daddies. And then you say that's right or you say no, that's not what I'm saying. I just have time. I'm busy. I gotta work I gotta pay the bills you fucking silly gooses. It's uncle Leo. Oh, you got you got no time for uncle Leo fancy fire Exactly, exactly

So it's it's been tough. And then the little things. You make a cup of coffee. Do you like coffee? They say, do you like coffee? I'm making a coffee. They go, do you like coffee? This is how they start a conversation. I go, yes, I like coffee.

What do you like about it? Well, I'm addicted to it. It's caffeine. It's the most consumed drug on the planet. What flavors you like? I don't know, all of them. Why, you should, I'm putting my foot down. You should sink your teeth into this.

My parents, I'd give my parents five grand to respond to one thing I say. I walk in, I go, I flew private from Israel to Italy. We had Italian food, Louis C.K. was there, we met Steven Soderbergh and Meryl Streep, and they go like this. They go, oh, did you hear what your sister said? She's that fucking bitch. I mean, I can't get it. I would love you like coffee. I don't know what I drink. The grass is gayer. I'll tell

you that you got to, we got to flip for a week. We should flip like freaky Friday. They care. Jerry, they care. My parents wouldn't stay with me if I offered them 350,000, but also's crazy. They should get a hotel these dizzy fucks. Well, they want to play with the baby fat So come over there's a hotel knowing they're here. No one would ever stay here, but I train right away They could stay in a nice neighborhood something like Battery Park City Nice place they would get lost trying to get over here would take them four hours If they lived they'd stay in a hotel two blocks It would take them six months to get here every single day. Ten days is egregious. I'm sorry. I mean, have your parents ever stayed with you, Rupert? Rupert's parents don't talk to him. He doesn't even speak, this man.

Thank God. We like it that way. But yeah, ten days is crazy, but I think they're like, it's a grandkids. It's a big deal. By the way, I gave it a goog. Your parents dopamine and endorphins spike around grandchildren. They live longer. Well, not my parents, but yes, most parents. They live longer, they lose weight or something, their blood pressure goes down. It's like a big thing. Grandparents have spent time around the kids, but they don't even know my child's name. Yeah, well, I get it, but the cool thing is, and I should be grateful, they're here for ten days so I can go, hey, I got a pod.

And I throw that baby upside down and I go, okay, we'll take care of it. That's very sweet. And how old are your parents? Because they could be gone any second. That's the point, Jerry. They're trying to make it a thing before they pass on into the ether. Well, this will keep them living because now they have what? Three grandkids.

That's right. Wow. Yeah, yeah. They got to spread it around. And your brother's in New Orleans? No, no. Seattle, Tacoma? He moved to Wisconsin.

Oh, right, Madison. His wife got a job there. That's a whole picadillo. Hold another bag of hammers. They don't like the Wisconsin of it all. He doesn't like it. Wow. 10 day. I mean, I cannot fucking imagine what that is like. What if they come in here? They got to look in the window. They're going to see me. They know boy. Well, we can get them on here. They could. They'll ask you questions all day. It'll satisfy. That's

a good Patriot. We should have your parents down here. I'm walking. She's got a thing. I'll talk to her. I'll get to the bottom of here. Liz says, she's got a thing. I'll talk to her. I'll get to the bottom of you, my god. No, no. They got a wall up too. They ask you questions because they don't want to answer any. That's the move.

And look, it's one thing to go, how's comedy going? How you doing with the new hour? What, you got any specials in the blower? But they don't do that. They go, what do you like? You like sweaters? What is that do you like? You like sweaters? What is that, a hood? You like a hood?

Yeah. I like a hood. I don't care for this hood, but. What is about a hood you like? Clan hood? You like that? That sounds nice. These are nice people.

Ask me about my life. Don't ask me about my ankle life. Coffee's your life. No, it's not. Where you going? What's your show? How'd you start your podcast? Where'd your agency come from? Oh my Juan Valdez! Give me a real thing!

That's something good. What would you like them to ask you? How's comedy going? Hey, you got any new bits? Boy, this house, was it hard to buy? I mean, something! They don't ask that? No, no, no.

They ask you, you like coffee, but they don't ask how's comedy? They go, we got a lot of leaves back there. What are you doing with the leaves? And I go, I'm going to... I'm going to go get some coffee. I'm going to go get some coffee. I'm going to go get some coffee. I'm going to go get some coffee.

I'm going to go get some coffee. I'm going to go get some coffee. I'm going to go get some coffee. I'm going to go get some coffee, but they don't ask how's comedy. They go, well, we got a lot of leaves back there. What are you doing with the leaves? And I go, I'm going to blow them into the, the, the bed, the flower bed. Ah, what do you got a leaf blower? Yeah. Yeah. Got a leaf blower battery or a cord. That's a battery or cord. It has both options. So like a trans person, you know, and I just try to skew. They can't, I can't get out of the skin. Oh boy. The car is whirling down the highway. Well, they'll be dead someday, so really enjoy it. You know, I think that's true, but now they're talking about homes, gotta put us in a home, maybe we'll live here, who knows? They want to be on the pod. That's the nice thing

about living in New York City is your parents can't just move there. It's a great buffer. It blows their whole profit margin or whatever you call it. Completely. What's that fixed income? Yes, chemical bank, fixed income. They can't get over here.

They can't do the stairs, the subway is crazy. The diversity is terrifying. There's a whole, it's a whole obstacle course for old people. Well, New York City really does feel like a place that should age like legally. Yes. 58, maybe people live longer, whatever, 65, 66, just you're out. That's good. You can't drink till 21, and when you hit 68, you can't live in New York.

Oh my God. Oh, Jesus H, that's a lot of semen. Good golly, who's gonna get an OnlyFans for this guy? He's a spitter. Yowza. That was a tooth. That was crazy. Don't anyone drink this.

Someone throw this away. What is it? I knocked a loogie in there. Tooth hurty. Think I had some hard candy in there. Boy. Now, May must be dying because she's not even related to these fucking people. I think that makes it better because, look, it's hard with the in-laws, don't get me wrong,

but she's normal. So to them, to her, she's like, they're just parents and I'm nitpicking. I'm like, doesn't this bother you? The question, she's like, I, they're just parents and I'm like, doesn't this bother you? The question, she's like, I don't mind questions. So I think it's a blood thing. Like we go way back. Right. I suppose so.

But man, in law, I'd rather, I mean, it's hard to say, but your family you feel a little more comfortable with. That's true. If your dick falls out, if you fall down the stairs, you say the N-word. The other person's family, you're always afraid they're, you say the N-word. The other person's family are always afraid they're judging you, whatever. I just had both. I had my sister here and my sister, my wife's aunt and

uncle staying with us, back to back to back. Which by the way, I haven't had sex since 1985. I know. Guests after guests after guests. Same here. Now, you know how you get all these biological things, the women have hormones, and my mom's a whore, she moans. But do you get less horny when the baby came out?

Less horny. At first, yeah. The baby's hot, but I'm saying like the first week or two, you're so nervous about dropping it and kissing it, then you can't get it up. Yeah, I was not horny for sure. I mean, I was so tired also. Yes, yes. Just wiped out and all that stuff and the crying.

So no, less horny then, but now I'm back to horny again. And it's just been fucking days of people staying over. And our bedroom door doesn't shut all the way. She's got like hooks on the top of it. She wouldn't fuck anyways, but you're like, it doesn't close all the way. That's no good. So there's not even a chance. That's a bad fuck. Cause you're looking out at the hooks. Plus my sister watched the baby and the baby went into the bedroom, which I wasn't anticipating.

You know, your mind's all mushy. We had our vibrator charging. We had our rubber dildo hanging out the bottom. I had my teeth under the pillow. I had my anal beads on the lamp heating up. What about the strap on? I mean, the lipstick was dangling from the rear view mirror. It was just bad. And Sarah's like, I think she saw the rubber dick. I think she saw the dildo.

I think she saw the nipple clamps. And I'm like, no, no, they're all put away. And she's like, I put them away this morning. And so I think my sister knows that I'm gay and retarded and horny. You like it up the ass. Yeah, well, who doesn't? I guess we're putting it out there to the world.

Yeah, but not to my sister and parents. I've been sending them these clips. You never know what these clips. That's true. These clips are the worst things. Well, we had the lady, the wife on the Patreon, and the clips have been going out. And she was like, I got I gotta say you guys are clip happy

Clip clippity clop. I'm worried. There's too many clips because it's Patriots paid content We put out some of the big content You don't even need to buy this shit because you can see all the clips and put the thing together cut that Now you gotta buy it baby. You gotta buy this motherfucker. Well, they do the shorthand will do four clips of each thing And they're usually like 30 seconds long 35 minutes that's solid. That's a tease. There's a car pulling it. Is that them? Do they have a car? No, where are they? They went to the library. Oh I'm telling you. These are old boring people the library like the the Ghostbusters. Yes

Yes, that's a pretty cool library. They're doing a tour of the library. They got the the headphone in built in 1904 and they killed a Muslim here, whatever it is. That's a man. I mean, that's amazing. You have parents that they're like intellectuals They are they do things they read things. They love it. They love books Jerry. They just I Got I got the Netflix on they're're like, could you turn that down? I'm reading the Bible. Wow. Good for them. Yeah, that's good.

They're gonna live a long time, I think. Now, what'd you do for the Valentine? I don't do Valentines. I don't believe in it. I don't touch. Well, first of all, I had a gig. I got hit with the, I'm sicker than a fucking dog's asshole

on the pile of mud on Woodstock 69. Because we keep going to this place, The Wonder, which is an indoor playground. These kids, they shove everything in their ass and their mouths. And I don't wash hands. I got to change my habit. I got to start washing my hands.

I haven't washed my hands since 1985. Evidently, it's bad for the spread of germs. Oh really? But my wife keeps doing it first. She keeps getting sick first. Ah. And then fucks me in the ass hard the way I like. Sure, we've seen the dildo.

So Valentine's Day I was supposed to do comedy dojo. Comedy dojo list. Yes. Out in Morris Plains, Zach Morris Plains. And I was just hit with this flu, which by the way, now we have a stomach thing. I just got over the flu and now I have a stomach thing. Yikes.

Because these people, they take the wooden banana, I like bananas, they eat it, then they stick it in the kid's ass, then they give it to you. Wow, like father like son. So I had to cancel the gig. Banana, it's the worst gay bar of all time. You wanna go to the wooden banana? Banana, it's the worst gay bar of all time. You want to go to the wooden banana? Wooden banana? That's not bad.

Something. I like that. Keep your eyes peeled. I told you the best gay bar name is for Florida, the mangrove. That is great. Mangrove is big. That was a big ep. Someone put that out there. Neon lights, Joe and Mark's mangrove. I love it.

Yeah, so we were supposed to do that Valentine's Day, I had to cancel, I had a fever. Thursday night, the night, Valentine's Day Eve, yeah, I felt a little sniffle, a little, you know that thing where you move your eyes and it hurts? Yeah, I hate the hurt eyes. I had that going on, so I'm doing, all night I'm doing this, like a fucking,

like one of those paintings in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Oh yeah, yeah, you're Dorian Gray. My eyes are shifting around, I'm like, I'm doing, all night I'm doing this, like a fucking, like one of those paintings in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. Oh yeah, yeah, you're Dorian Gray. My eyes are shifting around, I'm like, I got problems, my eyes hurt, and then around, I don't know, 9.30, Sarah's out doing spots, they're fucking black guys, I hope. Yes, send us the tape, Sarah. And I just get hit with the fever chills, my brain hurts, and all of a sudden you're freezing,

so you're getting a hot shower, then you're sweating. I had that thing going on. Yes, yes, yes. Let me ask you this. Do you think maybe during COVID time, someone just had the flu, but we thought it was COVID. Could that have been a little wishy-washy in there?

Maybe, oh, yeah, I got COVID. That's the big virus, but it might have been the flu. The two times I had COVID, we tested and had positivity. That's true, same here. So I definitely think there's a mix and matches of both things, but I never get the flu. And this is the other thing, I was at the doctor's office the week before, as we discussed, and I said,

she goes, oh, why don't you get the COVID, whatever the fuck, the flu vaccine. Ah, the flu shot. But I was already getting the HPV vaccine because I got the warts on the feet. Did I talk about this? Or maybe I talked about it in the rigs. No, I haven't heard this.

I got an HPV vaccine, which supposedly can help with the plantar warts and it prevents all this cancer. What? So I said, yeah. You got HPV on your foot? I got warts all over my feet. You know about the foot warts, Dr. Pustover, the hot doctor. Ah, I didn't know it was HPV. Oh, it's all warts all over my feet. You know about the foot warts, Dr. Pustover, the hot doctor.

I didn't know it was HPV. Oh, it's all warts. All warts are HPV and HPV is warts. It's all, it's a mad scientist. Hogwarts. So foot warts. I see. I had the Hogwarts years ago and they nipped them off over at Plant Parenthood.

Right. But anyway, so I got the HPV and she goes, you want to get a flu shot? And I go, well, I don't usually get the flu. I don't usually get the shot and I'm not getting two shots in one day. I'll tell you that. And then seven days later, I get hit with the flu. Oh yeah.

So I should have got that stupid gay shot. Plus Dan Soder, he had the flu shot and I was like, you're a fag. You don't get a flu shot. You pussy. Should I get it? I may not get it today. You just walk in. I think you walk in.

I think it's free. They want people to take us less people take it than ever. Right. So go get it CVS. I think CVS Walgreens Dwayne Wade, whatever I'll go today put that shot right in my ass. Maybe I'll get the footward shot too while I'm there HPV is big but you got to get three shot. I gotta go back in a month They shove it up my ass again. Well, you'll love that but it's kind of fun You know, you just go, ah, boop, you got me. Right. Right. But anyway, so and then Valentine's Day had to kiss. But my my sister was in town and

then Sarah's aunt and uncle were there. Uncle fucking whatever sister. I can't I can't think the baby's uncle. So we just had a long hang there. And then Saturday night, the night after Valentine's Day, my Sarah's niece was in a musical. She goes to Marymount University. Oh, that's big. Marymount's nice. Big school.

I like the Mount Mary. And back Christmas time, she said, yeah, I got to play. I'm in a musical. We're doing Little Women. I said, oh, Sarah, we'll go see. We'll support family. We'll have a date night. Sure.

My sister was already coming down to watch The Baby on Valentine's Day. So it's like the next night, we already have a babysitter. We'll go see the show. Support family. I love a musical. I'm a homosexual.

Sure, sure. And you love Little Women. Absolutely. I love big fat women too. Bring them all in. All sizes. So I think, well, I'm gonna go see my niece's college musical. It'll be fun. Whatever I

Gotta tell you I was Blown come on. Oh, she played the lead Write down this name Mariana Talamash this Or you got it or you don't she got it this just got it I mean the lead I've never seen a show where I know the lead person. Wow. Yeah. But she's the littlest woman. How does that work? I don't know. I think she's just the best little woman. Ah. Have you seen Little Women, Rhett? Seen it? I've seen the book cover, just the cover of the book. I've seen an ad for Little Women.

Yeah, I've never even seen the cover of the book. I know Greta Gerwig did A Virgin, I know to Ride Her, I don't even know her. Uh-huh, the shoplifter. Yes, but... Yes, big influence on me. I've never, I never read it, don't know anything about it, which also sucked by the way, because during intermission, Sarah's sister, who I love, was like this, well, we still got a ways to go, because Beth still needs to die. I go, what the fuck are you crazy?

I want to come guys with Nazi. Who does that? I got a ball bag tie on noose or whatever. What do you call that? I couldn't think of it. A vice? A vice on my ass. I got my nipple clamps in, my butt plug in, my asshole. I've never seen a show this good in my life. I got half a tear over here and half a thumb in my ass and you just gave away the goddamn ending. Jesus, the Chiefs lose the Super Bowl too, you fucking cunt. Hey, hey folks, Joy's Stories brought to you by Raycon.

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Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChu for sponsoring for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chu for sponsoring our podcast. Hear, hear. But anyways, this show was unbelievable. I mean, every note, every touchy toe, scoopily boop, and the high notes, the low notes. I've never seen, I was blown. I was like, this is unbelievable. Talented women.

I've never heard of such a thing. Unbelievable. And then there was, and there was this boys in there too, Lowry and someone else, and just a fantastic performance. I was in rapture, I was pulled in. Wow, and they're singing. Oh, they're singing, it's a musical. Wow. So there was singing

and acting and crying and farting. And I just was like, this is unbelievable. And Beth died. Beth is dead. There you go, folks. Good luck with the musical. Yeah, so I assume most people have seen Little Women. Our fans have seen Little Women.

Yeah, a lot of crossover there. I think most of the people on this show have read Little Women. Sure, sure. Macbeth, Drew Barry, what's that? Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew. Yeah, yeah.

She lives in Key West. We're heading tomorrow. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. No, not Nancy Drew. Who. Yeah. She lives in Key West. I'm heading tomorrow. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. No, not Nancy Drew. Who's the other one? Nancy Reagan. No. Who's that? What is it? Nancy Drew? Uh, Drew Brees. Yeah, Nancy Drew, right? She wrote all the books. No, Nancy Drew is a character, right? Yeah. She's like a cop or a female lady. Who's the author? The lady author that lives in Key West? Agatha Christie. No, no. J.K. Rowling. Nancy Grace.

Rupert. Shane. What are you, Judy Grace? Nancy Grace. Not a Nancy. Forget Nancy. Let me tell you something, buddy. Judy Blume. Judy Blume. I confused Nancy Drew and Judy Blume. Yeah, is she the chicken soup for the whole? I think she's dear Margaret. It's me asshole. Oh, that movie is great. By the way, did you see that movie? Dear Martha? It's me. Judy Tanuta. The Washington. You guys, dear God, that's a great film. That book is a, that movie's a hell of a book or whatever.

Yeah, picture. That's good stuff. But anyways, the musical was off the charts, unbelievable, fantastic. Wow, and it's just a school play. Yeah, well it's college, so they're like, you know, and this is what they do when you go to school for like acting, that's just school. Like they just rehearse and I was like, I was blown away, I was like,

how many hours did you work on this? That was unbelievable, great. I've never seen anything like it. That is incredible. Wow, because you think, I got to go to school play of little women that's sat on paper. That's a fucking nightmare. Well, you forget I'm a homosexual.

It was very exciting. It was all my idea. But I like a musical. I like a musical. A musical live is any kind of performance. That's very nice. I enjoy, and there's the piano guy and the business. It's really beautiful.

I know, I gotta get back to a musical. I always, Wicked or Lion King or all that shit just blew past me, I never saw any of it. Because we're always working. We're working at that time. I saw Billy Elliot, it's the best show I've ever seen. I had a spot after, I showed up red-eyed, like crying. Billy Elliot the musical, forget about it.

And I've done that too, where I went to some musical with her and I had a spot after. And it makes you realize the giant chasm between the art forms. This is like people in bow ties crying at the retarded kid. And then you go to art thing and it's like a club where some guys eating chicken wings and calling you a fag. Yeah, exactly. It's not the same kind of thing. But it's all the arts. But it's why we don't respect ourselves. Everyone's about you same kind of thing. It's all the arts, but it's why we don't respect ourselves. Everyone's like, you're doing an interview with somebody that respects comedy as an art form. They're like, what are you trying to say with that? And I'm like, what?

Yeah. Are you bullshitting me? I feel like you're chucking and driving on me. I think the detriment of the standup comedy art form is the signs. It's always like a guy going, go on into Bonkies, you know, where we got the 18 jokes a minute. They got a counter, a million jokes told. That's a guy with a banana peel. The thing about it is, it's just, they used to say when Time Out New York would be in nightlife instead of the arts.

Yes, nightlife. Flip through the arts. That's paintings and poems and whatever. And then you get to nightlife and it's like dance club, cocaine night comedy. Cockfight, orgy, child rape, stand up. And of course, the great DePaul line when he worked at Bananas, it's like,

why am I so angry? Because Monday morning I got a cash check with a picture of Banana wearing sunglasses on it. Exactly. Perfectly put there, Nick. He's the goat. Now let me run this one by you there, Betty. Please, I'm out of things to talk about.

I got nothing. All right. I do want to hear about what's going on with Key West. Is this the movie? No, this is Louie's down there. And he was like, you want to come do all of Florida with me? And I was like, no, but I'll go to Key West. OK.

Because we love Key West. Love the KW. And this is nice. This is my first time going to Key West, where I'm just featuring, which is nice. Oh, it's a little. 20 minutes. Beautiful.

I'm hoping for Gillis at some arena in Minneapolis. 20 minutes, paycheck, Saturday night. That's beautiful. In out. Cut it out. So I got to unpack this. Please. All right. I did a show.

This guy hit me up because I got a weird show. It pays pretty well, but it's in one of these supper clubs, one of these membership pay annually, high end, hot people. Everybody's rich. everybody's better looking, everybody's dressed to the nines, invite only kind of thing. Okay. Not the place in Pennsylvania we did. Nah. No.

Remember you did that one in Pennsylvania and I did it years later. That's more of like an Elks club, like a gentleman thing where they drink scotch and cigar. This is like hip, downtown Manhattanite bullshit. Like a SoHo club. Like me. Yes. Downtown Manhattan. A lot of class. There you go. Keep it classy. So I go, yeah, sure, whatever. He goes, can you do like a half hour? I was like, all right. But these gigs are never great. It's like hot people who are rich are not a great crowd. I know. We got to work on that. You need like a buffalo guy, you know, like a guy who works in a mill in Buffalo, that's a crowd.

Oh, you better believe it. Or cops or something like that. So I'm like, all right, I'll do it, the money's good, whatever, you get to run 30 minutes in the city. I get in there, this is Swank City. I mean, you gotta go take an elevator up to a penthouse, it's all these leather booths with weird light fixtures and curtains everywhere and all this shit.

So it's primo. So I go up, I had a pretty good set. I get off and the head chef, talking the white button down, big guy goes, hey, hey, put it there, Dickless. That was a hot show. You ever wanna eat here, you let me know. I'll get you in. This is hard to get a table here, but I got you. That was a funny show. You ever want to eat here, you let me know. I'll get you in. This is hard to get a table here, but I got you.

That was a funny set. Okay. All right. Great. And usually with those guys, you go, yeah, whatever. All right, I'll see you in hell. And I leave there. Couple days go by, the lady hits me up.

She goes, hey, Valentine's is tomorrow. What do you got planned? All right. I didn't even think about Valentine. I didn't know it was a thing. I forgot I was married. So I was like, oh yeah. So I go in the other room. I open up think about Valentine. I didn't know it was a thing. I forgot I was married. So I was like, oh yeah. So I go in the other room. I open up the yellow pages. I call 19 restaurants. They all go, everything's full. It's sold out. Valentine's tomorrow. It's

Manhattan. Right. So I go, oh, that is a thing. So I come back upstairs. She goes, what do you got, Fanny? And I go, I'm working on it. I got some ideas, you know. And I go, oh, I got that guy. So I text him and I go, hey, Chooch, what do you think for two for Valentine's Day? And he's like, ah, geez, it's tomorrow, you're killing me. And I said, well, you said hit me up. And he goes, all right, I'll get you in. Hey.

So he goes, come by, I'll take care of you, eight o'clock, here we go. Okay. So then he puts me on a thread with the whole staff. I got the head chef, the manager, the owner, the host, the waiter, and I think he's like, he's like, hey, we got a funny man on the blower here, everybody.

Buckle up, this guy's coming to Valentine's, uh-oh, comedy train, choo-choo, you know. This is already not worth the trouble. So everybody's going, hey, what's up with this guy? You know Joe Rogan, holy shit. And I, of course, I'm going, yeah, you faggots, bup bup bup. And one guy goes, not cool. So I've already blown it.

I'm trying to be quick and be quick and funny and get in and get out. Because I don't want to sit on a thread with these guys. Sure. So I go, I'm just joking. I'm a comedian. And they go, OK, OK, well, we'll see you Valentine's. Then I go, try to save it. I go, I'll bring some Kanye merch.

Because he just put out, it was right when he put out those swastika shirts. And they wrote, oof, or something like that. I was like, you know, you're talking to here. But whatever, whatever. God, so frustrating. So I'm like, I'm already on thin ice. So I tell the wife, I go, hey, big hot show. I got us dinner date at the hottest club in the city. Okay. She goes, never heard of it. But all right. So we go there and I got to tell ya, they rolled out the red carpet.

I show up, it's one of these places, it's like a black wall, like the border. And you knock three times and they go, you see eyeballs like a Muslim, and they go, hey, hey, who is it? You go, ah, Mark Norman, and they go, okay. Door opens, hot women everywhere, beautiful, it's like a nightclub, there's ally things hanging. You got to do this thing.

And it's this sexy ass restaurant, which I never saw. I took an elevator up and went to the penthouse bar area. This is a nice restaurant. Art deco, beautiful decor. Everybody's dressed to the nines. You're like, oh, that guy's on Yellowstone. That guy's an NHL player. I think I've seen that guy on Murder She Wrote.

It's a bunch of who's who's. Wow. He's a rapper, he's a DJ, whatever it is. So the chef guy goes, come on in here. He gives me a great table. And he goes, you guys order what you want, baby. I got you. And I'm like, all right, here we go.

So we get a couple of cocktails. She can drink again. She never stopped. I get some martinis. She gets a couple of spicy bargs. The guy comes over at the menu, he's holding it open, he goes, just point to anything. And I go, well, we'll take some oysters. How about this? He goes, you gotta get the caviar.

And I go, all right, I'll get the caviar. We get the caviar. Caviar. Yeah. Then he goes, what about the appetite? I go, this, this, this. How about he goes, what else? He keeps saying, what else?

What else? And I go, we'll take the lamb chops. I get the flounder. He goes, what else? He keeps saying what else? What else? And I go, we'll take the lamb chops. I get the flounder. He goes, what else? And I'm like, I think that's enough food. He's like, eh, it's Valentine's. You might as well splurge. And I was like, okay, we'll take the sushi platter.

And he's like, all right. I'm like, that's enough. Because I'm trying to be, I don't want to, this guy's paying for my meal. I don't want to like, you know, overdo it. And now the wife, I'm like, be, I don't wanna, this guy's paying for my meal. I don't wanna like, you know, overdo it. And now the wife, I'm like, this is pretty good. It's gotta be free. Because he's like, kept saying what else?

And he kept saying get this, get that. And she's like, I don't know, I'm not getting free vibes. I'm like, are you kidding me? He told us to come by, blew me at the door, he rolled out the red carpet, he's holding the menu up. And he's shaking everybody's hand around the, this guy's like a big deal. He's like a red carpet, he's holding the menu up, and he's shaking everybody's hand around the room. This guy's like a big deal.

He's like a celebrity chef, apparently. So we finished all this, it was way too much food. It's all unbelievable. The food's incredible. I'm eating a lamb chop, I'm like over-stuffed, I'm overeating because I don't want to waste any of it. Then he goes, you got to get dessert. And I go, sir, we are full, you've been very generous.

I cannot get any more food in me. No dessert needed. And he goes, all right, shows up with a giant apple pie, big scoop of ice cream, whipped cream, nuts. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, we get a couple more drinks. You know where this is going. He shows up, finally shows up later and he goes, here's the bill. He leans in and he goes, I took care of the pie. This bill, you don't even want to know how much the bill was. He took care of the pie. I didn't want the pie. He gave me pie. It's nice gesture. It's a gesture. I'm a court jester.

The pie was probably 38 bucks to be fair. That's true. That's true. But even without the pie, I mean, let's say I paid for the pie. 38 bucks wouldn't make a dent in this bill. This bill was like whatever Doge is working on, this bill was bigger than that. This is like USAID. This is like a trans play of little women in Kuwait. So what, so I'm confused by the whole thing.

Cause when he- Please, please. Is this a real restaurant or a supper club? I don't know what's going on. It's a restaurant and a bar and on like a nightclub. Like a club. Yeah, it's like four floors of whores. It just keeps going.

So I thought you were getting the hookup to the club, to the like, you can get in or something. Well, I think the head chef, he's like a celebrity guy. He's like Emeril. You know, he's- Can you say the name of the restaurant or is that gonna get you shot? Well, I probably the head chef, he's like a celebrity guy. He's like emerald. Can you say the name of the restaurant or is that going to get you a shot? Well, I probably can't go back because I had to put out a lien on the house to pay for the goddamn bill, but it's called the Flying Fish.

Flying Fish. It's a brand, give it a good, Chuck, can you hit that red button on the remote there behind you? It's fucking sweltering in here. It's a little toasty. Yeah. You can cook a flying fish in here. I don't give a flying fish. Exactly. So, all right, so. Trying to get an Asian to say that. That wasn't, that was a dirt bike taking, I retired the voice.

That was a. I've never seen a dirt bike chop. Thatow! That was evil, good, evil. So you go to the flying fish, and is there any implicate? What did he say exactly when you left the gig? When you left the gig, what were his exact words and facial expressions? You ever want to come back? I'll take care of you. Take care is big!

Take care means pay, but maybe he means take care means in chef talk. I think take care means I'll cook you up something special. I'll put the spices on. I think you're right. You know, I'll give you ketchup and sugar or whatever. Well, the what else was very confusing. What else you want? What else you want? He kept forcing it. He upsold me on free shit. I thought was free shit. But I think he's saying you're gonna fucking really love, or maybe he thought that and then he went back there and they were like, what are you out of your fucking mind? We can't give some asshole this. We got fucking Wayne Gretzky and Steve Kerr out here.

We can't be giving Mark Norman something. I concur, but I'm just saying it's a little shady. It's a little misleading. Well, it's not transparent. Yes. I like trans. If he would have gone, geez, you're getting a lot of food there. I mean, can you afford all that? I'd be like, okay, now I know where I'm at. But he assumes you're a big celebrity. You know, you, you, you did the supper club. They probably paid you $350,000 for the gig. So he knows what kind of cake you got. I guess. Or apple pie you got.

Well, the profit margin was cut after that meal. Yeah. So that left us so that the Valentine's was ruined. I mean, Valentine's Day sucks, first of all. I'm for not acknowledging it. My wife pretends she's OK with it. I hope she's being truthful. She texted me.

No, because it's just a made up horse shit. Of course. Sarah's dad used to say Valentine's Day is for guys that treat their wives shittily. Oh, that's good. That's what it is. It's like, oh, here's some flour. I'm buying this lady every fucking dildo butt plug

every day. I go to nice meals. I got her three pairs of shoes for Christmas. I got three pairs of dicks for her birthday. Well, sadly by his logic, Valentine's Day is for me. Right. But, uh. But you nailed it.

You crushed it. I crushed it, but it was a little soured. I needed it to sweeten. But how was the food? Food was amazing. Okay. Service was amazing. Service was amazing. Restaurant was amazing.

Then the guy does this when he goes, hey, you want to hit the nightclub, get a few drinks. And I go, enough's enough. I can't keep giving you money. I'm out half or whatever over here and I'm not going up to that nightclub. Yeah, that's tough. I mean, to me, this is the thing about Valentine's Day too, romance, it's whatever you make it. McDonald's can be quite romantic. You got the baby and you go, I got, your parents are here.

I assume the parents watch the baby. Yes, that was nice. Okay, so the parents are here. Let's just, I don't wanna be too boo boo. I don't wanna be a hack and go to someplace on Valentine's Day. Let's walk to Chick-fil-A, then you have a romantic, Chick-fil-A, you need a joke.

Sometimes those are the best dates. I agree, I agree, yeah. You know, it's kinda of like New Year's. You know, New Year's like, we have to have the perfect night. What are we going to do? We got to weigh our options and find the best thing. And then you end up going, is this the perfect thing? Should we go somewhere else? And then you don't even enjoy anything. Then the kiss is over and then it's 1 a.m. and you're on heroin and a ditch. Right. You put all this pressure on so but it sounds like at least it was memorable. It was. And a good meal. Great meal. And this guy, I mean take care of is a little misleading. I agree. But I've seen this before. These people, they take care means

I'm gonna load you up and give you a free dessert. I'll cook you the best thing you ever had. And I'll wait on your hand and foot like I got you. Right. So he was coming out himself. Yeah, but he was schmoozing. I don't know if he cooked an omelet. He was schmoozing with everybody. I was like, this guy, I thought I was special. You watch him talk to the NFL player, you watch him talk to the DJ. He's kissing babies and shaking, shaking babies.

Well here's what I never understand either about these chefs at restaurants. I know. Don't they need like six, seven guys, like line cooks? Isn't there 15 people working back there? So how does that work? Why does the chef get the credit? Yeah. What's he doing? Puts the cherry on the top? I don't understand cooking. I think he made the menu. He created this delicate balance of spices and oils and reductions, breast reductions. What do you call it? The menu. No, no, no. The recipe, the recipe. Yeah. He does the recipes and then Jose and hose B put it together. Exactly. Well, they got deported, but either way they are back there doing his vision.

He has the vision, Jerry. It's like the architect hanging out there with the hammer. He just does the bullshit on the blueprint. Yeah. It's like a director. My buddy's a head chef and he like curates the menu, figures out each season, figures out what the restaurant can buy at that time, the best produce. He comes up with his own recipes, and then he tells the other people to help him out. It's like Steve Jobs. he ain't a tiny Asian boy with a net outside the window in case he kills himself

with a soldering iron, he is directing with a turtleneck. Well this is what I never understand either, because I'm like, can't I be an inventor now? How about a phone that's triangular and it fucking swallows cum for you? And then I get some boys to make it and I'm a genius. Yeah, if you can handle all that. I think I can handle it.

You just need the money to capital to start up that business. But people do do that, that's what it is. Capital do do. I need the capital. What? He said do do. Oh, he said capital do do.

I was like, I haven't played there yet. Capital do do. Well, I started to say capital, but then I realized he said doo doo, so I had to repeat it. Capital doo doo. It's like a nursery rhyme. Capital doo doo. All right. But yeah, so of course the lady goes, well, if he's inviting us up to the nightclub, let's

at least go see it. I go, all right, we're going up to see it. Now here's the clinker. We go up to the nightclub, I show around, it's smoke shows, just dancing a night away, doing blow and everything. And we do the nightclub round, we run around there, we go back in the elevator, he's in the elevator with us. Oh God.

So now it's this weird thing where he's been gladdening, he's been on and shucking and jiving all night. We get in the elevator with him and it's like, whistling. Oh Jesus Christ. Hey, see that Super Bowl? That was weird. And you're like, oh, you're just a smooth talker. He don't like me.

Yeah, he knows what he's doing. Exactly. Once he's elected, he's not going to do the things he said. Exactly. So it was awkward, but then it was all's well that ends anal. We go to one more bar before we head home because we're like, we got to milk this parent time. They got the kid sure

He's dead. Let's get some more minutes in we go to this bar and the guy at the bar goes Toos gay. Hey, we got a free round. All right The phrase some of the cost yeah Yeah, so we're back 11 bucks Yeah, so all's well that ends well and then we came home and we can't fuck because the vagina's still blown out, but. How old's the baby? That should be up soon, right?

I think it's six weeks. So now we're at four. Oh, okay. So we're close. She can't for six weeks, but the baby's four weeks. But I put it in her ass. Well, also, don't you feel like, I remember having this with Sarah too,

where it's like, they say six weeks, and I'm like, don't you think, it's like that conversation you got to broach, you're like, don't you think it's like that conversation you got a brochure like they think they just say that to protect their ass it's probably more like three weeks yeah I said the same thing I did that I'm like I think I plus it's my dick it's not like I'm not you know Jalen Rose over here I'm not gonna blast your pussy apart I don't exactly have a hammer my Jalen hurt I'm not I'm not Rupert. Sure, yeah. That guy.

I can see it. Look at that thing. It's hanging off the chair. You can't see Rupert's dick. I can see it and I can taste it. I'm happy to taste it. But by the way, we have two producers today. We got the rivals over there.

Oh yeah. We got a Capitol and doo doo. But you can see Rupert's dog, it's a flying fish. All right, it's a blowfish. Okay, but yeah, so a fun night, but I gotta tell you, Fatty, and this is something you'll never have to deal with, hopefully.

I hope. Woke up the next day, bam, with the hangover, and when you got a toddler, or whatever, is that a toddler? That is not even close to a toddler. What is a toddler? That's a newborn. A toddler todd whatever, is that a toddler? That is not even close to a toddler. What is a toddler? That's a newborn, a toddler toddles. What's a toddle?

I think he's like, blub blub blub blub. Like I think a toddler is like two to four maybe, one and a half to three. Give me an official ruling on toddler. Hot toddler. He doesn't toddle. No toddle.

Toddles, you know, that's when they grab your dick and they tug on your balls. Oh, so I am a toddler. Toddler age is generally considered to be the period from one to three years old. There you go, one to three. So infant? I think that's still a newborn,

then he switches to infant. Oh, geez. You got a newborn up there. He's gonna transition, got it. That's a lot of changes. Big change. Well, the first year is the most change in a human being's life.

Infant is birth to one year. Okay. I think newborn is part of infant. So it's an infant. So infant is like the same umbrella. Yes, yes. Les enfants. Enfants in French is children. I've never believed in you with French again. What happened? You told me about Les Bejou means fucking happy, happy joy, joy. And I went around telling everyone hey this means happy fart Bejou is a celebration. No Bejou is jewel They had Jubilee but back around to the same fucking thing Alright. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah means celebration. Hey cigar celebration and then some guys like what are you talking about? It means jewel you piece of shit jewel like the singer no better teeth than that I hope so what is

she British give a give a goog on a all-fond e n f a oh yeah that's infant because it's children yeah okay I don't think it's infant these children but I've seen the tag on a shirt there yeah it says a French word that means child in English refer to a young person of either sex there we go two sexes young The tag on a shirt there. Yeah, it says French word that means child in English. You can refer to a young person of either sex. There we go. Two sexes. Young sex.

Now we're talking. Hey, folks, Better Help, baby. Yeah, the show is sponsored by Better Help, but it says verbatim because we got to read this and not take any chances. Take a moment to think about what makes a good mentor. They're smart. They're capable. And they also know when to ask questions and seek support. Don't forget, support is

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podcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. That's code factor podcast at factor meals dot com slash factor podcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Hell yeah, back to the show. So fun, fun time, good Valentine. She gets to dress up. I did not, we had fun. I like a date night, but a Valentine's Day, I just can't do it.

We went to a Persian restaurant. You, Pers? Well, I didn't choose, it was the whole to a Persian restaurant. You for the, well, I didn't choose. It was the whole family. We had this backward moment too, where you go to the Persian restaurant and then it's Sarah's sister-in-law puts it together. Cause it's her daughter's show. Oh, right. She's got friends from high school. And so Sarah and I, the first one's there, even with a baby, I'm still early, early pearly James Hurley. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I'm very tired. So we get there. We're the first two in a table of 10. I'm like,

here's the one thing I hope is that her two high school friends at the next one, it's like her husband and her husband. I'm like, that's the one thing I hope. Hopefully her, you know, Sarah's sister-in-law shows up, or her brother or her sister, here we go. And then of course the first two that walk in, you see a couple, and right away I'm like, this is them, I'm sure of it, they're like, are you guys Joe and Sarah? Yeah, yeah.

You're the ones, you guys are the ones she refers to as the comedians. Oh no. Which is just, so right away the clock, you're like, please get her sister in here, get somebody in here. And they sit down, they're like, please get her sister in here, get somebody in here. And they sit down, they're like, yeah, she always calls you the comedian.

So what do you guys do? And I'm like, we're comedians. Oh, so then you're a comedian. And then you're just like, somebody walk in here, please. And then, what do you think of this move? Tell me what you feel about this. We're sitting there and go, yeah, yeah, we're comedians. And I can already know they're thinking, why aren't they funny? Of course, of course. They're sitting there go yeah yeah we're comedians and I can already know they're thinking why aren't they funny. Of course. They're not being funny

and I'm trying to say non funny things funnier. Yeah. Like you try to go boy it's freezing out there. You ever do that? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah of course. I'm like whoa Persians. Yeah. What'd he get, the chicken wings? Bukkuk! I've been there. Yeah, you got to up it. I'm just trying to look like a funny guy. You ever seen Louie, where he meets David Lynch? Yeah. David Lynch is like, be funny right now.

And he goes, uh. That's so relatable. Yes. You just bought yourself a wig. Bought yourself a wig. It worked. That's so good. That's how I felt. I'm like, yep. Oh, comedian. Yeah. Just trying to be goofballs. And then tell me what you feel about this. One goes, uh, well, we just say we both, this is funny, but we both have to go to the bathroom. They got up and went to the bathroom together. So they were either

the rock cocoa. They're dying too. They're like, Ah, cocaine. So they were dying. Either they're on Cocoa, they're dying too. They're like, those are comedians out there. You're going to be shitting me. Couple of hacks out here. Jesus. Get some Rainbow Suspenders. So then Sarah's sister and brother show up, and we're like, there's two more in the bathroom.

They're coming out. They're like, wow, you were the first ones here. And it just felt awkward that they went to the bathroom together. And I feel like they had the same. 100%. We were both in the same position of like, like I'm dying I can't be with these people well Why would you entertain somebody that that is the tough thing about comedians is like we have to do our job Not at our job exactly. I'm not asking them to fucking crunch numbers exactly and blow people exactly

So I mean an only fans gal not like why are you licking your pussy now? Let me run your let me run this you, because this is another theory I have. I'd like to hear what you think. I keep hearing all these food, and I know I'm the food, white trash piece of shit. Everyone talks about their food cultures. It's all the same shit. Everyone's like, you've got to have Greek food, African food. One time Stavros, our pal Stavros is like, ah, you gotta come over, you gotta have some genuine

Greek food. You never eat anything, you're fucking homo. And it's just broiled chicken with a sauce and french fries. Literally, we had chicken and sauce and french fries with the goo sauce, whatever that fucking yogurt, tiramasu, or whatever the fuck it's called. Tahini. Tahini. I'm like, okay, so you got a cum sauce. Right. Then we go to a Persian restaurant,

and everyone's like, I don't know if Joe's gonna be able to eat anything here, Persia, which is just, Iran, right? Persia's like, what is now Iran? And Iran. Yeah, I think so. So, they're like, oh, Persian, this is going to be crazy. And then it's all Middle Eastern. It's all the whole Mediterranean is this all the same

fucking food. Pita, hummus, grape leaves, uh, tiny lamb, rice, steak, chicken. I literally ate filet. Uh, what do you call that skewer? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kabob. I got a filet, what do you call that? Skewer, kebab. Kebab! I got a filet, kebab, filet mignon, kebab. Kebab, babalab, babalabin. And then white rice with saffron. Okay. And a side of fries.

Sounds like a nice Joe meal. And everybody at the table, I'm looking up and down the table at this Persian restaurant, everyone just eating meat with rice. 100%. This is Greek food, this is Greek food, this is American food, this is Israeli food, this is Palestinian food, this is just food. Yeah, it's a comedy seller. It's all the same Israeli, it's all the same shit. Jews and the

Hamas, they should be getting along on the pita. And then you go to, I went to Ecuador, I'm like, let me get some Ecuadorian food. It's just chicken and rice with Ecuadorian jizz on it. Yes, it's all the jizz is different. Right. I'll give you a different jizz. Wouldn't it be nice if different races had different jizz? Like if a Mexican jizz salsa on you. I'd love that.

I think black people come like- Barbecue sauce? No, I think it's like half white, isn't it? Like different color. I think it's more white with the contrast. Oh, I thought it was kind of like chocolate milk That's my heard. That's the breast I'm joking of fun. It would be fun. I thought you met an Italian guy. He's like ball Maranara

That's unlimited breadsticks right there keep it coming marinara right on me I would be fucking underneath the hood of every Italian car owner. That's unlimited breadsticks right there. Keep it coming. Maranero right on me. What would YJ YouTube Mayo? Yeah, I guess so. Mine would be mac and cheese and like famous I have this chip for boy. Wow, you get them solids downtown. Well, you ever hear of a kidney stone? Okay, okay. There you go. Now I'm getting hungry. I got this stomach bug I haven't eaten all day and the box of cook I know I'm sure how many left take some home will ya I take home home every time I come here please whoa baby oh good lord that was my baby oh just your phone so we got a new addition to

the wall coming, huh? Oh, yeah. Don't eat these here. I've been hitting this with a dirt devil all week. Oh, my god. Yeah, new addition to the wall coming. Whoever did this, build that wall. You said I could have some.

You can have them. Looks like it's from MRL. I tore my MRL playing basketball once. Sure. I went to an MRL machine to see a brain scan. Look at that. Is that a beauty? Is the light hitting it wrong? That's Kramer, George and Jerry. Not there's anything wrong with that. My father's gay. The outing episode. So we're going to hang that. I

think we get rid of this bullshit, put it right there. I don't know if it's the right size. Where, what happened to the one of us hugging that Salak use took I don't think that's here I think Chuck stole that Chuck. Would you steal that? stole it Chuck is caught red-handed. I have every single thing that was in that studio. We got my ex poster. Yeah Every single thing all the merch that people sent in that you toss. What about the porn? Porn I got. The Batman magazine. I don't want that back. Are you kidding? I'll take it. Chuck's hands on that thing. It's going to be Chuck's scene everywhere.

And two autobloats. Probably shot some, what are you, Capistrano Portuguese? Portuguese. You're going to shoot, what are you, Jizz? Fish? Capacola, I don't know. Capicola. Yeah, interestingly, if you go due east from Providence, you end up in Portugal. Oh. People always think if you go east to New York, Massachusetts, you're going to be in Ireland, England.

But that's like 7,000 miles north. Yeah, that's up. It's like, whew, whew. Portuguese. Yeah, I've been to Portugal. I went to Lisbon. Oh, I remember Lisbon. Very lovely.

Very lovely. Good people. They got mad, I remember Lisbon. Very lovely, very lovely. Good people, they got mad. I called them Hispanic. I had a nice hot sold out theater show, and I go, I love my Hispanic people. And they went, boo! Aren't they Spanish?

Ah-ha! They like Latinx. They're Portuguese, it's a whole different country. I went to a Christmas party at Rupert's, and one of his friend's wife said, are you Italian? I said, I'm Portuguese. And and she said, oh you're a... Hispanic? An SBIC.

A Latinx. I said I guess I am. She called you a slur. She called you a spick? Yeah, she said that. Wow. Right to my face. First time I met her.

Did you hit her? No, not yet. Ah, you missed your window. That was it. Wow. Yeah, but they're not Hispanic. They're not. Spain is a country. All right. But I guess Mexicans are Hispanic. They're not. Spain is a country. All right.

But I guess Mexicans are Hispanic. They don't live in Spain. Yeah. Latin is such a big umbrella. Latin is South America, Mexico, Spain. I think that's it. Well, there's Pig Latin. Oh yeah, and there's Latinx. Yeah. And there's a... That's Latin quarter. Latino. Latino, Latino. Yeah, but then there's actual Latin, which is like... He's not gonna win it. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was Klingon, actually.

I'm watching Sesame Street recently. Really, you're back? That's a hell of a program. That's a great show. That's fun. I love Sesame Street. That's a lot of fun. Elmo took over, it's all Elmo now. Ah, Elmo's a hack.

He didn't exist when we were kids. Now the whole show is Elmo. Well, he became the hot item. So they go, hey, let's sell some more bullshit from China. He's never seen it. If you see Big Bird, it's like seeing a... A white guy in your neighborhood. It's like, you're like, whoa, Big Bird. It's like you just don't see him anymore. You know who Elmo is? He's Urkel. They did two seasons of middling ratings. They brought Urkel in, the fucking needle broke off.

They said, put that N-word. He's Urkel. He's Urkel. Nerd is the N-word. He's Urkel. That's a good one. Put that nerd everything. Show it to the roof.

You're right. He's Urkel. I mean, that's the most brilliant thing I've ever heard. Thank you. Elbow is Urkel. Elbow is Urkel. Elbow Urkel. I mean that's the most brilliant thing I've ever heard Yes, that's huge by the way, don't you resent that we're just vanilla Classic white assholes that you can't use the n-word in reference to Elmo because that would have been

I follow a guy the black guy. He calls everything goes this n-word and he's just talking about like like Biden. It's gold every time talk about it all the time There's nothing funnier than calling Santa Claus the n-word. It's the funniest thing on earth. We're not allowed to say it I know used to be able to back in the day. We invented it for the record Yeah, my dad invented it. I suppose so Mike. He should have copyright in that fucker He'd get every rap song residual in the book. Did you know this? You know that Night of the Living Dead, Sergio Romero, Edward Romero, Romeo and Juliet. George A. Romero. George A. Romero.

He never copyrighted that film. Like you could sell tickets. Next time you perform, you could go, hey, my opener is Night of the Living Dead. Wow. And they just charge everyone to see it and there's nothing they can do about it. Nobody owns the movie.

Really? Yeah, you can just fucking take it, play it, show it. Wow. What's he, I mean, he's still alive, right? He could just go, hey, oh he died. I don't think he's alive. That movie came out in the 40s. Oh, oh, okay.

I thought they made a new one. Well, I'm sure they made a new one. You and I could make a new one. We could make a new one. I could say Night of the Living Dead, brought to you by fucking gay sex. They don't have that little TM on top. You know that trademark, Batman TM. Yeah.

Transcendental meditation. Or the C with the circle around it. I never knew the difference between the TM and the CM. That's copyright. And then there's R, which is retar, no, it's registered. Let me see the famous names. I wanna see if they have a TM or an R. I betcha they got something.

Let me just take a look. Yeah, I'm curious myself. Oh, you're sick. You're sick. Oh, it's sharing. It's the crumbs. Hold on, what do you got here? That's an R.

Oh, R. R circle, what's that mean? Registered. Registered trademark. This is all shit I asked my parents when I was a kid. Oh, famous Amos, 1975. Well, that's something else. That's older than us. What else should we talk about? You saw another plane went down. That's three in a month. Plane crash of the news. Is it 10? It's a

lot. Really? They've fallen out of the sky. Plane crash of the new school shootings. It's great. Well, then there was an F-18 or 15, a military one. You see it hit the water at full speed. That was amazing. No, no. Yeah, yeah. Military jet, then the other thing.

Oh, yeah. Something hit a helicopter, I think. The helicopter one. That was crazy. Yeah, there's a lot of crashes going on. Yeah, shit's falling out of the sky. The world is ending. That was a Delta flight. Well, we're winning baby. We're winning. Yeah. Golf of America. We got

the golf. We got the golf golf cart. Yeah. It was a Delta flight too. And I'm, I'm flying tomorrow with the baby. Two flights going to Key West. I think we'll be okay. You think they'd lower the prices a little like, hey everybody, we might kill you. We'll take it down a peg. No, they ain't taking nothing down. Nothing's ever coming down. Nothing goes down. The planes are coming down. That's true, but not the prices. No one's ever lowered a price ever. I don't know. I think housing goes up and down.

Housing I suppose so. And milk? Feels like milk goes, eh maybe no. But housing's different because they're not like we're going to make the houses lower, just nobody's buying them I think so we're going to bring the houses down. You know what does go down every now and then is uh uber. You know every now and then you're like oh god uber is $88 to go to the airport and then some days you're like hey it's $64. Well I think it's supply and demand. That's why when it's raining, everyone wants an Uber. It's with $7,000 a day. Exact amundo.

But yeah, houses, because they say sometimes people are like, the time to buy a house is now. Yes. And I said that to my accountant. And he's like, oh my god, what are you crazy? This is the worst time to buy a house ever. He's like, you gotta wait. I was like, oh shit, all right.

Yeah, but you heard the commercial. So you go for it. Well, sometimes it houses, too. I'll look at Zillow. I love Zillow. And they have the little line graph of the prices and you're like, if I bought this eight years ago, it went in 40 grand, now it's 750,000. I know, I know.

Makes you want to kill yourself. I had a teacher in 10th grade, Mr. A-Bear. Never forget it. He was a nerdy guy, glasses, mustache, comb over, pocket protector, tie with a short sleeve, and he always said, invest now kids, invest now. By the time you're 45, it's going to fly by, you'll be a millionaire. We all went, fuck you, you inward nerd. We kicked him down the stairs and gave him a wedgie, and he was right. Right, you got to invest. Well, that's what I do.

I invest without even, I don't look at nothing, I tell my guy, Craig Brooks, I say here's the money, you don't tell me, you don't show me, you don't do anything. I put a lot of money in USAID last year. I got 300 bucks. I like it. Cut the fuck USAID. It's enough already taking care of these poor countries. Well, what's up with the, we're doing piano lessons for retarded kids in Mumbai. I know you can't do it.

Get out of here. I just don't understand. What, what, what's that about? We don't need the piano. I think it's all, uh, pipes. Yeah, the books are cooked. They need pipes. Pipes are good.

Crack pipes. Pipe down. They need piano pipes. What are we at here? I feel like we've been going for two hours. We read a lot of stories a Pipe down. They need peanut pipes. What are we at here? I feel like we've been going for two hours. We read a lot of stories a half hour ago. We're about 57.

Oh, okay, high 57. Yes, you gotta hit the side of it. You can't hit the bottom. I like to do the De Niro in Goodfellas. Oh yeah, you know where he got that? No, tell me. Well, he shadowed a gangster for weeks and he said the gangster was so annoyed because he kept calling him. He goes, how do you, how do you cut a steak?

And the gangster be like, I don't know. I cut a fucking steak. And he said he called him more times than his wife, kids or anybody in his family. And he was annoyed with DeNiro and DeNiro went out to eat with him. And he said, the guy did that over his fries and he stole it and did it over his fries and he stole it and did it in the dinner scene. That's fun. Yeah. I watched the whole good fellows behind the jizz.

That's fun. Every once in a while they'll be like, you two will be like 20 things you didn't know about good fellows. And the first one is like Joe Pesci is in it. I'm like, what? I'm like, what are you crazy? I've seen that. What is this?

Yeah. I know Seinfeld too. A hundred things you didn't know about Seinfeld. Originally Elaine wasn't in about Seinfeld. Originally, Elaine wasn't in the cast. Right, right. Of course I know that. They do with Tarantino as well.

I watch them all. Yeah, it's all gay, but boy. We should make one. That's just only shit everyone knows. Well, that would be funny, because you got to do the SCI, SEO, AI, SEC. SEO is search engine optimization. And AI is Allen Iverson. Folks, how you doing?

intrusion. I'm really falling off this coach. Oh yeah. The quality is falling off. Folks, I will be in Tempe, Arizona, March 13th to the 15th, Nashville, March 7th and 8th, the week before Tempe's big Minneapolis ACME, April 10th to the 12th. Portrait of a Comedian, Tom Dustin movie is coming. Two theaters, Landmark Cinemas. We got a deal, it's a Landmark deal. It's gonna be in cinemas all over America, so keep an eye and an ear out for that.

Hell yeah. And the Wilbur Theater, of course, April 19th. And our Patreon is through the fucking roof. We are heading right now to Fat Black Pussycat to shoot some behind the scenes of a show we're doing. Oh yeah. It's gonna be awesome. I'm eating cookies.

There you go. I'm all over the road. Speaking of Nashville, I'm at the Ryman Theater on April 3rd. That'll be a humdinger. Going to Reno, Vegas, Napa, Santa Barbara, London, Scotland, Paris, Greece, Amsterdam, Copenhagen. The baby doll is? Some of them. Me and Doug, Doug Key's going to open in Greece.

We're bringing his wife, my wife, both kids. It's going to be a big to-do. Wow. Damn. He's Portuguese, by the way, Chuck. It's gonna be a big to-do. Wow. Damn. He's Portuguese by the way, Chuck. That's right. All you weird Rhode Island queefs are just fish eating boatmongers. Then yeah, all kinds of new dates. Check out the website. Go on a datin'. All the places you don't want to go. And can't wait. What else we got here? Dating Ohio,

Huntsville, Alabama, Hattiesburg, Mississippi, Wisconsin, Burlington, Vermont, Albany, Rochester, and Niagara Falls, Ontario, to name a few. Watch your language. Nice. Hit it. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, and also check out Rupert's podcast, Reviewing History, a great podcast, and Rupert and I do a side podcast

that we put on both feeds. It goes back and forth, and it's called The Popcorn Kernels, and we talk about movies. I like that. Popcorn kernels. That's nice. Rupert came up with that. That's very good, Rupert.

Yeah. You sound like he's retarded. Rupert came up with that one. We're gonna do, hopefully we're gonna do Companion soon. You're gonna see Companion, you'd love it. I think you'd really enjoy it. Oh, I wanted to go see it on Valentine's Day, but it was all sold out, because it was Valentine.

I forgot, this is what sucks about Valentine's Day. You wanna go see a movie and everything's sold out, because these assholes are trying to treat their wives nice for one day. Yeah, Valentine's. Yeah, I think you'll really enjoy it. It's on demand now. It is out, it's out digital.

I'll demand it. You'll like it. But yeah, check out Fun Bearable, Reviewing History, and Popcorn Kernels. You subscribe to those two podcasts, you'll see the Popcorn Kernels pop up. All right. You better close us out.

I'm eating a cookie. He's eating a cookie. We'll see on the road. We'll see you in hell. Get on the Patreon. Tell a friend it's cooking. All kinds of hot stuff, hot gay sets, riff sessions. We're doing a set tonight at the Comedy Cellar.

We're gonna fuck around up there and film the whole thing, even film the car ride over. Woop woop woop woop woop. We'll see you all at Hell, queef it up, praise Allah. Yowdy. I won't miss me watching the music die. Please believe me. Get this. Adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids' lives.

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