Tuesdays with Stories! - #599 Shoot On Auto

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

Joe kicks comedy to the curb an afternoon when he becomes a photography assistant! Mark is forced to censor his set in Reno! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for your $1 per month trial period of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Support the show and get 20% off Raycon’s entire site. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't control myself. Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! Hey, hey! It's K109, Cincinnati! I'm here with Dickless and Cheeseface in the morning.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Do I have a cheese face? I've always felt like I might have a cheese face. I was calling you Dickless. Oh! I was Cheeseface. Oh okay yeah yeah you got a nice face. Oh thanks thanks. We've talked about this for sure for sure 100% but men get more attractive. You see a photo of you 10 years ago you're a mushy fat homo.

Bloated pasty queef. Gross! I was like, this is the grossest man. I should do a podcast with him. He's disgusting. Yes, we're leaving each other out. It'll make me look better. And then all of a sudden you're a handsome boy with a nice face and I'm, I'm, some lady

goes, you're getting hotter. Oh really? I haven't stopped jerking off to her profile pic. Oh, I've been there. You compliment me, forget about it. You're all I'm beating off to for a couple months. Well, that's the thing, men get about 11 compliments from women our whole life. And you remember every goddamn one of them, because it's so rare.

Women get, they walk in, hey, I like your sweater, hey, and haircut, hey, your pussy's wet. You know, but with men, it's so few and far between. You might get a nice shirt here and there or cool shoes. That's about it. We're getting nothing on the looks. A woman tells me I'm attractive, forget about it. I want to leave my wife.

I think I can leave her. I think I can figure this out. I'll date this woman. By the way, the woman is 84 years old. It's not even like she's attractive. Fine by me, she can't go anywhere. I'll put a broomstick in her spokes. But I'm sure I've said this before you look at Brad Pitt at the age 11, George Clooney in 1988, then you look at him now they're just 300% hotter. Oh he looks amazing.

You look at Whitney Houston now she looks so awful. Yeah yeah that's all burned up and drowned and drugged out. Yeah yeah waterlogged. But the problem is that you heard about this trans person. No. She transitioned from a woman to a man and then killed herself because she was like, being a man sucks. This is a real story. I think she's got other problems. Obviously.

Dwayne, you, me, and the lamp post, I think some of these folks that are changing gender, some. Some. A percentage, they're changing genders because they're a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs in the head. Especially if you start changing it like 41. Yeah. Now you're a woman, get the hell out of here.

We're going to get in trouble for this. Well, I'm saying, but I think that goes without saying. There are many people who were born into the wrong body, let's pretend, and then there are many, that was a joke, that's a joke. But obviously many of these people, they've got a little wacky in the head, so they thought, I'll do this, similar to I'll shove a nail through my asshole. Exactly, it goes with anything.

If a woman's like, hey, I'm 52, I'm going to be goth now. You're like, you're nuts. You're cuckoo. You're out to lunch. Right. So I think, obviously, there's some of those people. So this might be one of those people, but I don't know the specific instance.

It was a big story out in the papers, and a lot of people had a good time reading it. I have a hard time with these stories that go big, because there's so many. My brain is all, pfft. I know. I keep hitting my head off go big because I'm like there's so many my brain is all I know I keep hitting my head off that thing yeah there's a there was a fire in North Carolina there's a fire in Long Island a plane crashes there's a school shooting uh they want to take the Statue of Liberty

back I mean there's all kinds of crazy news I heard the Statue of Liberty thing and I live right next to the Statue of Liberty it would be so funny to me because I just picture them I look out and there's just a bunch of guys in striped shirts and bidets or what do they call that? Berets. Berets. Just like... Yeah. And they're just... I know. The ultimate re-gifting. Hey, we're going to take that back. It's been 48 years or how... What is it? 48? I think it's like 170 something. You think? think oh I think that's pretty old we'll go 150 maybe not 170 I'm gonna say Statue of Liberty while it's in the Godfather part 2 Ellis Island which came out in 1974 but that's 1908 so it's I think it's 18 late 1800s I'm saying. I'll say 1870s. Okay all right. I'll take it. So that's a hundred and twenty five

forty five almost 150 years ago. Okay. About one fifty nine. There we go. All right yeah but you can't take that back. Come on a couple of baguettes come by with their uh their mustaches and their little bicycles. I don't think so. Speaking of baguettes, I went to Chelsea today or the village to a place that I guess you frequent, La Bababoo. La Bababoo. La Bababoo. I love La Bababoo.

Give that a go at home folks. That is one of the last greasy spoon, divey, shithole diners in New York City. It's a real time warp. Yeah, there you go. Time stamp. Time piece. Tramp stamp.

I don't know, it's time to go there. Yes, time clock. I went over there yesterday with Salacuse. So Salacuse, our friend, our pedophilia looking friend. Yeah, he does look like an aging porn star. He's one of those guys, he touches your kid. You're like, we're pretty close, but You never know. They're too close. You just never know with this guy. He's 50. He's got Hawaiian shirts He's got a Hulk Hogan mustache, but black. He's got his own kid. That helps a little. I guess, but that could be just, you know

He's high in him, but touching the others. He's getting high on his own supply I guess, but that could be just, you know, he's high in him, but touching the others. He's getting high on his own supply. Maybe, I don't know. I'm just joking, Sally. We're kidding, of course. What's great about Salakis is you can publicly call him a pedophile. He'll go, oh, it was great. They talked about me, yeah, but he's great.

He's durable. You kick him down the stairs, he'll just tumble and get back up. Plus, he took that great photo of you and I hugging at the wedding. Ah, that's a classic. A masterpiece. One of the best. But any, which by the way, we gotta get that back. Chuck's jerking off to that.

It's under his pillow somewhere. Oh yeah, weird. That should be ours. That's not his, it's ours. What the hell, we're gonna get it back. It's gonna be all sticky and gooey with Chuck-jes. Chuck, by the way, has been out of commission. I don't even know where the fuck he is.

He's got one of his bitches somewhere. I think he's doing tell him Dan, Bob, who knows? He's on Staten Island. I lost track. Unbearable. Every time I see him, he's like, so I was out with Jillian and Kimberly was blowing me while Jillian was kissing me. You gotta be kidding me. Yeah. Yeah. I can't keep up with the names, but he's doing the Lord's work. I think he's filming Comic-Con or something right now but he's doing the Lord's work. I think he's filming Comic Con or something right now He's out with some nerds He's blowing him we got Lex on the ones and twos, but what was I about to say? Oh, so Salak use yesterday the pedophile

He hits me up so Saturday Saturday went on a big adventure all over that financial district. Ah, they find I when's the last time you got to come down with The baby we'll get our babies and our wives. We'll wife swap. We'll baby swap. Sure. Spit swap. I'm down. Cum swap.

Swap meat. We'll go down. We walked around that financial district. It's like being in another city that you've never been to. Yes. It's like Gotham down there, the tall gray buildings with the steam coming up through the pipes. It's all pipes.

Did you ever been to Delmonico's? I've walked by it. That's what I did. I walked by. It's like the oldest. It's all pipes. You ever been to Delmonico's? I've walked by it. That's what I did. I walked by it. It's like the oldest fine dining restaurant in America. Really? That's what they say on the plaque. Wow.

I have plaque. Yeah. You should go to the dentist. Yeah. It's been a while actually. I don't think you've gone to the dentist since I met you. No, I don't think I have either. I went into shit once and got out of there. Iped right in. You should really go to the dentist. I used to go every I used

to go twice a year. That was my thing. That's what your thing. That's nothing. That's what is at the norm. Oh, fuck. Yeah, you got to go because I didn't go for 10 years and they were like, you got six root canals, three backwards teeth. Yeah. It's too small. And your father's a guy. I always try to do the thing where you're like, oh I got a dentist appointment. So you floss for the first time in nine years the day before the dentist. And they're like, we see you got pubic hair all in here. No, you should go because you're not a big scaredy cat dentist guy. No, no.

Yeah, go over there and let them clean you up because I've come a long way. I used to cry at the dentist like a homo. Wow. Now I love it. I'm like one of these guys that finds it relaxing. Really? Oh I did the flip-roo. What about the the sucky thing and then they I hate when they go spit rinse spit I hate spitting in front of a guy I'm a swallower. Oh I got a woman. Oh I always had a guy with bad breath. Now, I had a guy. Did I tell this story in the podcast? I tried to do it as a bit, but it's so horrible. So I had a temporary crown, a cap, or whatever they call it,

because I had a root canal. They put a temporary on before they can make your new tooth. Ah, ground. And he popped it off. And at that moment, I got a whiff of his breath. But I didn't realize that and I was like oh my god is my tooth rotting? It smells like shit! And the guy was like is your tooth rotting? No and I was like oh it's but it smells like there's a rotten tooth in there. It took me a couple minutes to realize it was his

fucking awful shit breath. What is that? It's like a cop who steals. You're supposed to have the good breath. You're the professional mouth guy. Well, here's what I think. They gotta wear a mask all day. Mm, COVID. And they're not, he was also a cigar guy. Oh, Jesus Christ.

So I think he smoked cigars with a mask on. Who's your dentist? Monty Burns? No, what's the guy's name? Old girl, George Burns? George Burns! Yes. But I think that mascot all day, it keeps all the shit in there. I think so. Plus the tobacco and who knows what he's eating. He's got to be eating ass all night. It's clearly drilling.

But you've got to be careful in this city. Bless you. Thank you. The dentists, they're competitive. Oh, really? So they want business. So they want to go, hey, you got a couple cocks in here. You got to take those out. Because I went to a dentist and he was like, you got two cavities.

We got to get to these before they become root canals. And I was like, I'm done with root canal. No more. No. And then I went to a new dentist who I've been seeing for, I don't know, two years, and she's never once said I had a cavity. Interesting, they lie to you. They're mechanics, that's what they are.

Hey, your Johnson Rod's all screwed up. You know, but was it you or was it Ari who told me that you can haggle with a dentist? That sounds like an Ari thing to say. Sounds like a big Jew. He was like, I'm telling you, go in there, you can haggle with them because they want the business. So you can go, he goes, hey, it's gonna be 400 bucks for this whole thing. You go, let's wrap the whole thing up for two. And they're like, ah, 350. How about three? You meet in the middle. That's not

bad. Yeah. Maybe you should do that. My dentist is in Queens still, and I gotta go all the way there. But it's all Latino women. Oh, another round of that. It's pretty nice. Big booty Latina. Oh, there's one with a huge booty. Now what the fuck was my original point? Salacues, touching kids, a greasy spoon. Oh, I remember what it was.

So, we were walking around the Financial District. Oh, that's it, yeah, that's the lunch area. There was a beautiful day, we had a great time down there. Just strolling around with the baby, we went here, we went there, you know about Stone Street? There's a comedy club there. Love Stone Street, it's a comedy club, quote unquote. Yeah, I saw May's photo was on the website.

There you go. But yeah, it's a cool street, it's super old, it's lined with bars and restaurants, it's a hot street. It's super old, it's lined with bars and restaurants. It's a hot spot for the youngin's. Yeah, real bar hoppy bar place. It's awesome down there, financial district. So we're walking around and I was taking all these photos and I said, hey, Sally, why don't we meet up tomorrow,

take some photos, because I bought a film camera. And I'm taking wacky, film is hard and everyone told me not to do it, I did it anyways. But he's like, I'll show you a film camera. Yeah. And I'm taking wacky film is hard. And everyone told me not to do it. I did it anyways. But he's like, I'll show you a couple of things. And I said, let's meet up tomorrow. And he goes, I'll do you one better. I hate to do you one better. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like that either. Never better. It's never better.

You did me one worse. Yes. But I got to pretend it's better. And you got my expectations up. He goes, I'll do you one better. He goes, I got to shoot tomorrow. You can come be my assistant. goes, I got a shoot tomorrow. You can come be my assistant. Oh, it's better for him.

And I go, assistant? He goes, I'll pay you. What? Which is also awkward, because Salakus has never accepted money ever. That's true. So there's this weird thing where I'm like, all right, well cuff up that cash, fatso.

Sure, but wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you broke? Well, what's going on? Do you need the work? You're holding the camera now? Are you, are you fluffer as well? What's going on here? Well, that? You're holding the camera now? Are you fluffer as well? What's going on here? Well, that's where I'm going with it.

You're getting the side hustle? It gets embarrassing. It gets humiliating. So I go, well, I don't know about that. I go, maybe. Will I learn something? I'm thinking I like photography. This is like some Weinstein shit.

And he goes, oh yeah, you'll learn some technique. And I'm like, well, I got technique. I know how to take a photo. I don't know how to use the gauges on the film right with aperture by the way Salak use this award-winning filmmaker whatever you call it certainly not filmmaker but photographer sure he made his own award he goes you got to put it on auto you shoot on auto that's the only way to do it and I'm like auto auto and George. What the?

This guy's winning the Pulitzer Prize. He took that great photo of us at the wedding. We're all paying this man. Well, we're not paying him, but we're... You got that right. He's shooting Jay-Z. I know, and Louie and Nas and Kanye. All these guys, he's like, just put it on Otto and click away.

I'm like, what the Christ? He's a con man So I go alright well You know you try to say yes to things in life You know you don't do any new things it grows your brain and it makes you gay so I go. Yeah, I'll tell you what I'm in I like it, and he's like we're shooting a woman a street photography of a woman So I'm like maybe she'll be nude Maybe a hot lady maybe a woman. So I'm like, maybe she'll be nude. Maybe a nipple will fall out. Maybe a hot lady, maybe a hooker, street lady. Something.

So I go, I'll be there. So then he does this move. This whole episode is just shooting on Salikis. He goes, all right, it's 11 to 1.30. I go, okay. Then he goes, I'm sorry, I fucked up. It's one to 3.30. And I go. That's a big difference.

Okay, I'll have a show at five, but I'll make it work. I'm in, I said I would do it. I'm doing it. Then he goes, uh, how about you want to eat meat for breakfast at 1130? Oh, man. And I'm like, I have a baby who grows every day. He changes from one day to the next. So I go, no breakfast. I'm out on breakfast. He goes, okay, well, I'm going to get there at 1230 to get there a little early. So if you can get there early, you can get there. I'm like, well the time keeps getting earlier and earlier.

Yeah. Then at 1205, Salacuse, I'm here, where are you? Where am I? He's early. I'm like, I'm at my house jerking off to Shania Twain albums. You say one, I come at one. You're damn skipping. I'm not getting there at 1230 randomly because you might be there. So then I go up there

It's at the Standard Hotel, which is the sex hotel. Sex hotel. You know the standard on the highline. Oh Everybody fucks in the window. Yes, they used to. You get to watch. That's right So I get up there and it's a beautiful lady. Her husband knows you. You don't seem to know him He's like, oh mark and I are good buddies I work with him. I'm his lawyer. I'm his doctor. I'm his dentist Haven't seen him in ten years and then it's embarrassing. So God bless the guy. He's a huge Tuesday. Well, Salak use doesn't tell me this I think I'm gonna show up and be you know, dr

Watson or whatever right right the assistant captain and to deal whatever it, Dr. Watson or whatever. Right, right, the assistant. Captain Tenille, whatever it is. And the guy's like, I can't believe this. In the flesh, Joe List, I gotta get an autograph. I gotta take a photo. Now you're on. He's like, I can't believe you're doing work like this. This is crazy. I go, what the hell are you doing?

You're on the clock. So we go up, we meet the wife. She's like, oh my God, Joe List is here. This is crazy. I'm in my underwear. I don't wanna like, oh my god, Joe List is here, this is crazy, I'm in my underwear, I don't wanna take a photo in front of Joe List. Oh my god, wait, underwear? Nah, no, no, we're at the part with the underwear.

I got excited. So then Salak used to say, here, hold this light, and I just hold a lamp like this. Ha ha ha. You're learning a lot. Now I'm an intern. Yeah, you got that right. And then we take it out to the street, I'm holding a light like this. People walk by like Joe List.

Oh. You okay? They're putting money in my coffee cup. They're dropping change in my Starbucks cup. You got a side hustle. You're the light guy now. Next we'll be doing the boom mic and doing the cord. You're that one guy who holds the cord for no reason. So then I have this move. This is the worst. So we walk all around the village and this is just humiliating. The wife, the lady, she's very nice and very beautiful. And it was a fun, I'm teasing a little bit. It was a blast, but she goes, you ever get recognized or? And I was like, sometimes,

cause I've been on the street with her for two hours carrying a lamp. And she's like, what's going on? How come I noticed you don't get recognized ever. That's a little harsh. She's like, we walk around with mark. It's every five minutes. I'm like well. You know this this neighborhood isn't really you know This is my market. Yeah, you might be blinding people with the light they go they walk by and go ah Well, they probably think that looks like Joe list, but it can't be he's schlepping gear for a fucking Pedophile uses auto he's a grip gear for a fucking pedophile who uses auto. He's a grip.

I have a fucking lighting boy. Auto drive, this guy with the auto. That is 8,000 little ticks and notches on a camera. Doesn't touch any of them, never fixes the lens, just right to automatic. No, he's like Kramer, he's like taking the photo. He's got equipment in there. But anyway, she was gorgeous.

The photos are incredible. And we had a nice time. And then we ate. You know about this place called Slappy's Burgers or Wacky Burger? Slappy Burger. I know Slappy, wait. Goofy Burger.

Smash Burger. No, it's in a gas station on Heath Avenue. Oh, that's a hot spot. Yeah. People are talking. So it's a mobile gas station. Yes. They put a burger joint.

Look this up. It's called Smoky. It's the mobile on 8th Ave. Yeah, 8th Avenue Mobile Burger Joint. It's like an in and out. It's delicious. It's so good. I think it's called the gas chamber.

Something with gas. They got one picnic table outside, and everybody thinks they're in the know. That's where we ate. That's what Salgue's took us. And people are literally pumping gas so it smells like gas fumes. Oh, I love a fume. Me too.

Smacking Burger! I knew it was starting with an S. Yes, it's Chris Brown's joint. Hey. All right. Or Will Smith. Or many, many other people. But yeah, that's a fun day. It was pretty fun, and then he gives me 50 bucks, so I'm like I can't take money.

This man shot my movie poorly for no money. So I go, no no, I can't take it. He goes, you take it you piece of shit. And I said, no, I'm not taking it. You don't take money. Good for you. Well, then he said, it's money. Take the money. I said, I'll give it to a homeless person. He said, no, shut up. You take money. Good for you. Well then he said it's money. Take the money. I said I'll give it to a homeless person. He said no shut up you take it. So this is the old what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I texted him this morning I say hey we're going to that breakfast place we're gonna get some pancakes going on an adventure

you want to meet. He said I'll be there and then we bought breakfast and his coffee. So he gave me 50 bucks to carry a lamp and embarrass myself sure I bought him pancakes the coffee Which you might think that's still a you're still ripping them off, but this is New York City the pancakes cost 75 bucks It's good. You came out of a diner with a outspent in 60. It was crazy, but a very cool spot They shoot my Zell there. Oh miss Maisel. Yeah Maisel I never saw the program I sell I it not Myzel? It's Miss Maisel. Oh, I never saw the program. Myzel.

I've heard good things. What's Myzel? Is that something? He was on Schindler's List, I'm pretty sure. Myzel. I don't know that one. Oh, Myzel account. That's how I pay Alex.

Yeah. Myzel. But anyways, that's a great... Someone should put together a tour, a Tuesdays with Stories New York tour. Oh, I like it. We got eight studios to go to. You go to Stone Street, you go to the diner I just said, the Smackey Burger. Lunch stuff one, lunch stuff two, lunch stuff three, come to Brooklyn, we can go to stand-up

New York. Yeah, like the Peterman reality tour. We'll give you three musketeers and a Chipotle, maybe at the end. That's right. Aha. You know what? I just have a moment where I got sad. We'll give you a three musketeers and a Chipotle, maybe at the end. That's right. Ah-ha. You know what? I just have a moment where I got sad. Ah.

We don't have a Chipotle. This is the first studio. We don't have our Chipotle. There's one about five minute walk. In this neighborhood? Eh. I'll take a lift. All right.

Oh, by the way, I didn't tell you. Oh, I did tell you, but I didn't tell the folks at home. We referenced it, that there was a big stabbing over here. I gotta talk about this. I'm leaving the podcast and there's, I'm not joking, you saw, there's like 300 cops, gates everywhere, and I go, what the fuck's going on? So I did the thing where you ask the cop,

I go, hey, what's going on? He goes, I was all over the news, a bunch of teenagers stabbed a guy to death, so now we're gonna make sure that doesn't happen again. So they had the military out there oh yeah it was the what do you call it the National Guard yes does it they get the kids or what they got the kid which is good kid one well they got one of they got the stabber because I think three of them held him down and one guy oh so the

Friday night fights so last Friday this the one that just passed, this place was swarming with popo. It was crazy. It was like the policeman's ball out here. And they were all over. And you could see the kid, the street toughs, the local kids were like, may we'll go over here. There's cops over there. May we go in the park.

Cops in the park. The cops, what do you call that when they... Swarm. No, when they swooped an area. Sweep! Sweep! They swept! They swept the area and there was a cop on every fucking corner.

It was a thing of beauty and I was walking around with my pants down, holding cash, going hey come get me! Beep boop boop! And nothing. I love it! I've talked about this before, when I first came here, now Lex, this is where Lex just snaps and shoots us because this is a gang banging crazy person. Oh, yeah the cops. He's been shot. I When I first moved here was right after not moved here Well, I guess I went I moved here for six weeks the New York Film Academy

But it was shortly after 9-eleven and there was a cop on every corner and it was wonderful I was doing back flips and they would just beat up anyone one brown and lock them up with the riptides. Oh yeah, what was it? Scratch and sniff? What was that when they look at your bag? Scratch and sniff? Stop and scratch. Yeah, stop and sniff.

What was it? Stop and stop and stop and stop and frisk. Stop and frisk. That was Bloomberg. Yeah, yeah. They cleaned up this town. Yeah, and look, I'm not big on the pope. They used to rough me up with the skateboard and back in the day they'd break your boards and throw them

over the fence or whatever they were dicks but I'm 40 I got a I got a fucking rug rat up here you want a little police presence. Oh I want a big police presence give me cops everywhere I want the guy guy who's spinning the thing. I want Sean Connery, the guy with the whistle, the horse cop, the helicopter cop. Helicop. I want Robocop. Yeah. Give me the guy with the laser eyes and the big dick.

Dead or alive, you're coming with me. Terminator 2, everything. He cleaned up Detroit for Christ's sake. Sure did, so did Axel Foley. Oh yeah. I guess he left Detroit yeah what a film great time Jay walkin number they throw out the window oh yeah yeah what's the penalty Jay walking boy he had a run didn't he 48 hours Beverly Hills cop coming to America America trading places trading places Beverly Hills cop to yeah raw del. Coming to America, trading places. Trading places, Beverly Hills Cop 2.

Yeah. Raw, delirious. Oh, SNL. Pound for pound, I say it all the time, pound for pound, the single funniest person. Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. I got one in. Yeah, that wasn't bad.

Mine sounded more like Kumail. Oh ho ho ho. Folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. I am loving Shopify. Some people like sci-fi, not me. I like Shopify. Don't miss out on sales just because your online checkout sucks.

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Right now, Raycon is offering up to 20% off site-wide when you go to buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays. That's B-U-Y-R-A-Y-C-O-N dot com slash Tuesdays. Get on it and back to the show. Yeah, but yeah, the cops were here and it was a thing of beauty, but it's sad that it takes a guy getting stabbed for the cops to check in. You'd think swarming thousands of teenagers fist fighting each other and filming it and jumping around would get some popo out here, but nah, we need to hit rock bottom before

we can do anything. Well, I think it's the money. You got to pay all these guys overtime and taxes or whatever, but I don't know. I never understand like they're like that's tax, like when a jet crashes, like I have 15, they're like, that's a three billion dollars of taxpayers money. But I never feel like I'm like, oh, that was my money. I know, I know. I'm always just like, oh, jet crash, that's crazy. You know what I mean? I never think of like. Same, because it doesn't, your bank account doesn't go, ah, I went down the jet. Right, right. You know, it doesn't drop.

So we're just paying it anyway. Yeah, they're taking my money anyway. I'm not, yeah, we don't, it's not like we get money back if the jet... That would be nice. ...jet survives. I mean, you do get money back eventually, although they're trying to steal that money is what I keep hearing. Well, they always say, hey, you got to pay taxes or the potholes aren't going to get

filled. You're like, well, what if I see a pothole? Can I hold off on taxes till it's filled? Then I'll pay you. It should work like that. That's pretty good. Thank you. Well, I saw a tweet.

Mark Cuban was like, the government now, they're trying to take social security. We're going to have people with no social security. And then I love a good clap back. Some guy was like, well, you're a billionaire. Why don't you start paying back the money? And he's like, but do you understand social security? That's your money, right? Taking the money out of your check. Yeah. So I don't understand. Like, it's like

a weird zinger. Yes. Well, you're rich. Why don't you pay people social security? Like, but they took your money. Yeah. Rich is a pejorative now. Well, you're rich. What do you remember? I'm like, maybe I know more than you. That's how I got rich. Yeah. And they're taking your money. This isn't about whether or not I'm like maybe I know more than you that's how I got rich yeah he's like and they're taking your money this isn't about whether or not I'm rich exactly anyways yeah but good to have the the plethora of the presence in the hood love a good cop we love you boys refund the police some of the jerk ones yeah we gotta make note the ones that some bad apples break Lex's arm and sure throw people through the tailpipe or whatever I did see a cop one time when I worked at

Sears there was a cut they had like a guy his hands were on the trunk and he was melting off so the guy reached up under and pulled his arm between his legs so that's pretty cool move walk is that what that is I don't know about the elephant oh that was a human you move. Is that the elephant walk? Is that what that is? I don't know about the elephant walk. It was a human. You tuck your dick between your legs and your friend grabs it from behind. And then you do it and your other friend grabs it

and you got a whole chain of dick holding. This is how they get ahead, these people. That's a brilliant idea. It's how I got into the fraternity. They called me Dumbo. I was always requesting it. Let's do an elephant walk. It's Friday night I'd rather be at the Apollo's a little bit. There's always the one ugly stripper. They all have great names

Please welcome Diamond to the stage. That's one fat one. Here comes sheetrock She's bending the pole How about Louie's been waiting to bring the fat woman in to be cleaned with the elephant or weighed at the elephant scale Or whatever it was Boy, I had a set last night at Fat Black. It was Aces. Oh 5pm that room can really hum

Hummer. Yes term is a blowjob. Yeah Never had a woman go Wait in the water It was always more like and go, oh, wait in the water. Yeah, it was always more like. Remember the band Hum? No. They had, you sounded like you had Down syndrome. No.

They had the song, she's out back counting stars. What was that song, remember? Hum, they had. I do a lot of humming. She's out back counting stars. It was good, they had that one hit. They Hum, they had. I do a lot of humming. She's Outback Counting Stars. It was good, they had that one hit. They kinda kick ass. Really?

I was listening to them again recently from the 90s. Hum. What was the first part of that? Outback Counting Stars. Attila the Hum? Hold on. I'll find it, Hum Counting Stars. She thinks she missed the train to Mars.

She's Outback Counting Stars. She's out back counting stars. Vaguely. I don't remember hum. There's hum, there's blur, there's him, her. You know, blur is the same guy as the gorillas. You serious? Oh yeah. You know the gorillas? I know the gorillas. I know that song. I'm happy. I'm feeling gay. My daddy. Makes me pay. Wow, he just blew my tits right off. Yeah, some British guy, he's a genius. I forgot his name. Byron Clayton Bill. I don't know. But that's it, Damon. Brilliant guy. That's Damon Albar.

He said all these pop stars, they're all hot. He's like, why are they all hot? We're supposed to be musicians. I don't care how hot you are. I want you to be good. And so he said, fuck that. I'm gonna make cartoons, be musicians, and see if I can pull it off.

No kidding. So there's no people. Like you don't see people in the gorillas. It's just like drawings. That's kind of like Pink Floyd does similar. Yes, yes. Pink Floyd's just like drawings. It's kind of like Pink Floyd dissimilar. Yes Yes like that and money It's a gas

What's the other group that was really popular recently they wear helmets Oh daft punk daft punk yes I always think they look like Wallace Shawn under there Not probably, you know, I could that. I've seen him helmetless. It ain't pretty. You get why they're going for it. Helmet was another, was that a blowjob or just dick? It was getting dome. Yeah, dome, helmet. Helmet could work, but that's when you blow a retarded kid.

Oh. You're giving helmet. Also, by the way, helmet and another band. Really? Yeah, they were like, they were heavier. They were on the- Fat, like Rupert? They were on, nobody's that fat.

Ah. That's more Alabama Shakespeare. Right, that's what I call Michael J. Fox. Ah, we gotta focus. Okay, sorry. What are you doing here? Where have you been? What are you happening?

What's happening here? Well, I've been on No Sleep. I've just had a run of No Sleep, and then I, of course, Soul Joel hits me up. Oh, we love you Joel. Love the SJ and he hits me up like a week ago and he goes, you wanna do a random Soul Joel? Well we won't even bill ya.

And I go, yeah, maybe I will. He goes, it'll sell out automatically. It's gonna be some real pay. And I go, you know what, I'm in. I can't say no, but you don't factor. It's a three hour drive, maybe three and a half with traffic. It's a whole day. Then you get back at 2.30 in the morning. Right.

I did not factor that in. No factor. No factor. Fear factor. Factor meals. So then I had a tough time getting a guy with a car. So I hit up Raj. Indian Raj. Garage. Yes.

Gourmet Garage. And I go, hey, you want to go to Soul Joles? Or he hit me up. I'm like, yeah, let's do it. He's got the Tesla. So. Oh boy. Be careful out there.

We got some looks. Boy, they'll throw a brick through your window. I know. We got out of the car. There's a swastika on it. And it was on fire. It was rough. I mean, people out of the car there's a swastika on it and it was on fire. It was it was rough. I mean people drive by and go like this. Get a lot of those. You know what they should have? This is a brilliant idea. The date that you bought the Tesla. Oh that's good.

Hey I bought this in April of 2019. The two guys I know of Tesla's voted for Kamala and now they're getting shit. Right. Andrew Youngblood has one in Houston and then Raj. Yeah. You just got to be like hey I bought this you know when Elon was cool or whatever. Right. Right. It's crazy how it all flips and flops and Elon's gay. He's got 78 kids, but so we're driving there and you know I got to go up to Astoria to meet him and that's a that's a 45 minutes from here. The old neck of the way. So it's quite an excursion but we do the shows

the shows are killer that is one of the best rooms. It's unbelievable. You get a lot of work done the crowd's great and of course we're driving back. I'm like on fumes, my throat hurts, my ears hurt. We gotta charge the car. I don't get it. I don't get these fucking vehicles. Well we drove three and a half hours. Right. So I guess that's gonna wane on the old Cobalt. Plus it's three hours bad, seven hours.

Exactly. So you're just like, God, and the lady's like, hey, how you doing? Because you got, we do shifts now. Did you guys do the shifts? We still do shifts. I love the shift. I'm off shift right now. I'm here. Yeah, stick shift. So I go from night time till five, then I wake her up at five a.m. and we high five we do like a tag team he was talking to himself oh geez well he's going that way oh he turned around good he must have heard the pod so uh so I tag her in at 5 p.m. or 5 a.m. and then she goes and I sleep upstairs right it's pretty great yeah then you get that that four hours of uninterrupted whoo nothing. So I'm not getting home till 2.30, 3 in the

morning. So your whole shift is off. So I go, you do the first shift, wake me up at 5. But I get home at 3. So now you get home and we had to charge twice, which was a bitch because Raj was like, wait, if I'm dropping you off at Brooklyn, I got to get back to Astoria so I need some charge. So we did a double charge. Now can you go, I got double charged once. Lysel. But can you do, what about, hey, park in Brooklyn, I'll get you a lift home.

Well, he wants his car. He's not gonna leave the car. I guess so. Dude, where's my car? Now does the wife say, ah, you got home at 3 that sucks. I'll double shift Is that right that would be nice go well you had to do that so I'll do this Yeah, yeah, well that that's the thing it's like I'm bringing home a nice chunk of change to it you want to go hey Look at that publishers clearing house right there. Oh the check. I'll give you the check. Oh don't forget that check

$25,000 by the way, I got some bad financial news for you. Oh the Brooks Brooks What's correct Brooks now? No, no, okay. No, we'll talk after I was going through my fight. You gotta double-check yours. We're all such idiots. I don't think we ever did November. Oh, okay Yeah, all right. We'll check it out might owe me I don't think we ever did November. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, we'll check it out. I think you might owe me like a

10s of thousands of dollars. A year's salary for my mother. Oh, geez. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. But yeah, I was going back through and I'm just such a Nimrod.

Maybe we should cut this. Just missed a... It's nice they know we're retarded. Yeah, we are idiots. But we'll double check your finances if you have any. We'll pull the whole thing up. Yeah. We'll get a laser pointer out, get a Jew in here. Green shots. And then I had the thing of like, wow, it's been too long, the statute of limitations,

but I'm like, pretty big chunk. Nah, you got it, we'll keep it fair. All right. We'll go back through, I want to double check. But anyways, yeah, you owe me a... By the way, I saw a meme the other day, it was a cash register and it said Jewish piano. I've laughed for about a half an hour the key

That's all it takes I said to about four people no one liked it But I wrote I said it to Ari and he goes you're like the eighth guy to send me That's what I love to hear. Oh That's not bad. There's Jewish lightning Jewish piano lightning. What's the Jewish light? That's when you light the business on fire. The menorah? No, no, you have a business that's failing and then you light it on fire.

You collect the insurance. That's good. Hey, whoops. Oh my God, the place burned down. Yikes. I thought it was like a runner. That's Jewish lightning, you know, like that was an athlete.

Yeah, who's the fastest Jew? That's what I'd like to know. Yeah, one Anne Frank. She was pretty stationary. Yeah, who's the fat, well, I guess there's an Israeli'd like to know. Yeah, one Nan Frank. She was pretty stationary. Yeah, who's the fast, well, I guess this is an Israeli track team, probably. Ah, what about a- You don't think of Jews as being like fast.

No, COFAX? Well, he could throw fast. I don't know how fast he could run. He had little legs, he was short. Yeah, fastest Jew. That's a good question. Not Ari, he's old and weak. No, no.

Who else is in Adelaide? Is there some NBA player that's like... There's no Jewish NBA, I'll tell you that. Well, Julian Edelman, he's Jewish. There's Jewish NBA. He's a wide receiver. He could probably cook. Oh yeah! That might be it. I think he might have got it. That pop up there, Alex?

No. You put fastest Jew? Wow. I'd like to see those images Okay Okay Okay, okay spits I guess yeah anyways I swallow but yeah, all right, so Get back late. Then you got to get up at five now. Here's the clinker. This the mother-in-law was in town Oh, what you know could wear on you. Mm-hmm cuz it's not even that she's bad or mean It's just a little lady in your house that you cut you got to be good behavior around and that can be

in your house that you gotta be good behavior around. And that can be draining. Well that and even your best buddy in the wide world, it just throws you off kilter. Sure. Especially with, I hate to be this guy, especially with a baby, any alone time you have, you just wanna, so often you just wanna be like, let me look at my phone, watch hockey, right, smell my underpants.

I just want to do my thing. Exactly. And you got now you got to go, oh, well, yes, I was born in Chicago, but it was my parents moved to Minneapolis. The weather taught. Oh, it was much, much nicer yesterday. Today, it's really coming down out there. I know.

Wonder what it's going to take to get some good weather in this town. How was your train ride in? Oh you sat in a chair? Did it move? The train moved? Oh boy! How do you like that? Did it stop at the stops? So all that part is tough, but here's the clinker. I go down at five, I got my little candle, my night cap, I'm on two hours of sleep if I'm lucky, and you want to just kill yourself, and she goes, she wakes up, she's 700 years old, so she's up. She's reading the Bible and painting her nails, and she goes, you want me to take them? And I go, I can't, I can't. She's like, no, I'll take them. You look like hell.

I got bags under my eyes. I'm hard. And she goes, ah, give them to me. And she took them. I went back to bed. Ah, that's nice. I got bags under my eyes. I'm hard and she goes that came to me and she took them Oh, I went back to bed. It was the it was like it was like a first responder I mean, it was like a 9-eleven firefighter. I wanted to get down and hand her money No, that's the best and this is what you have the other thing with the chair anyone that like helps with your child You're like I'm in love with you. I told you the nurses at the hospital. I wanted to eat them all out. Yes Yes, yes, and that was before the kid. Yeah I'm in love with you. I told you the nurses at the hospital, I wanted to eat them all out for a couple days.

Yes, yes, yes, and that was before the kid. Yeah, well, I had that, well, now I have a house, I have Tom Dustin coming in to do promotion for our movie in theaters soon. And I love Tommy, he's the best, but I can't hand the baby to him. No. He's terrified, he's covered in soot, smoke, and emphysema.

He's got the DTs over there. He's not taking my baby. No, no. He'll shake it like a rock tumbler. No, I had Derek's wife Erica flew in when the baby was six weeks old. That's big. And she had the baby sleeping on her tits and was nestling with them and feeding them. And I got a crush on her. I hope he dies. And my wife dies. And then she dies and I fuck whoever I want. But you know what I mean. I get it. I get it dies, and my wife dies. And then she dies, and I fuck whoever I want.

But you know what I mean. I get it, I get it. We'd all like to bang Derek's wife, but she... But also little stuff. You're walking with the baby at a Starbucks, and a lady goes, oh, let me get that door for you. And you're like, oh my God, I needed that door open. Thank you so much.

It's huge. Yes, you say, will you be my side piece? Yes, yes, exactly. Exactly. So she took the baby, yes, exactly. Exactly. So she took the baby and that I needed that sleep. Then I flew to the Nevada the next day. Yeah. Yeah.

Atlantis Casino, which was killer. Really? But that flight is a cum guzzler. I know all those. I flew to Tempe and you kind of forget. You think anything that's not L.A. or Seattle. You think this is shorter than L.A. or Seattle. Come, Guzzler. I know, all those, I flew to Tempe and you kind of forget, you think anything that's not LA or Seattle, you think this is shorter than LA or Seattle.

Oh no. And it's five hours. Five, and you gotta go down too, down syndrome. It's not just, it's, whiff, whiff, whiff. You know, so it's a real bitch. Reno is right on the California border. Right.

I always think Nevada, it's a little in, little inland. But noree it's a it's a nice little town I call it Mexican Vegas I want to go to Reno remember you got it I want to go to Reno oh yeah you know it what is that what's his toes not swingers Randy Quaid. It's Vegas Vacation. No, no, no. Hold on. I think it's Randy Quaid, right? Before he went all cuckoo. I want to go to Reno.

Come on. It sounds very familiar. It's a bowling tournament. Ah, Kingpin. Kingpin. Yeah, that sounds about right. What a film. I think a lot of that was shot there.

I bet. That's the finals. Yeah. Ernie McCr about right. What a throw. I think a lot of that was shot there. I bet. That's the finals. Yeah. Ernie McCracken. What's it called? What's that bowling line? You're damn right. You lost.

Or what does the guy say? It's the... Who do you think you are? I am. That is the best sports line of all time. Oh my God, I fucking beat off to it. Who do you think you are? I am.

I am. Oh man, that's such a perfect dude excited moment where you don't think you just talk and it's pure pride and rage. I love it. People send it to me all day every day. It's the greatest. No it's the best. That guy rules. Anyways so Reno ruled. We did a 5 p.m. and an 8 p.m. and I had Caleb sign and open and he ripped it and it was just it's just one of these flat rooms with the stage and just seats as far as the eye can see. Now here's the here's the crazy part. They're very nice to you to casino. Casino is a very regiment. You got

the guy with the secret service thing he's like hello Mr. Norman you good? You need anything? I'm like I got a pee. He's like I'll walk you over. I'm like I can go I can go pee. He's like I'm walking you. So we go walk to pee and he's like hello mr. Norman you good you need anything I'm like I got a piece like I'll walk you over I'm like I can go I can go pee he's like I'm walking you so we go walk to pee and he's just standing there while I'm peeing he's like head on a swivel I'm like oh my I know I was like what about Obama so then we did the first show it's great 5 p.m. a lot of old people but what can you do second show we eat the meal you get the great meal at a casino there was always like steak and lobster and all this shit love it so I'm drinking vodka sodas I'm

eating a steak and I just went and I go what the hell's going on here and I go I if I don't shit right now I'm gonna soil my pants so I tell the guy I go I'm gonna go take a shit he goes I got you and I go I'm gonna shit and he goes the bathroom that we normally go to is full of the audience so we got to go to the other bathroom I said great I don't want to shit near the audience you know all the people who came out of the show are still milling in that bathroom area so he's like we'll go to the employee bathroom I said great employee bathrooms like four miles away we got to walk through the casino you got is like four miles away. We got to walk through the casino. You got to go down a freight elevator. You got to go through the kitchen, through

this, through that. There's no dressing room shitter? No dressing room shitter because I'm basically in like a ballroom. And so there's the one bathroom in the lobby area and that's it. So we walk, we walk and I'm just like, oh my God. It's like that Louis bit. I'm trying not to bounce it out. So we walk, we walk, and I'm just like, oh my God, I'm trying, it's like that Louie bit. I'm trying not to bounce it out. So I'm walking all calmly and slowly and I get in there and it's like dumb and dumber. I'm like, he's just standing outside the stall, just waiting. Oh God. He's doing like the, you're all right there. I'm like, yeah, yeah.

He's like, you know, you're on soon. I'm like, I got it. So that was weird. So you're wiping your ass. It's a fucking crime scene in there. Then I get out and the lady who was running the whole thing, she goes, the show's about to start, she comes in, she goes, everything good? I go, all good, food was great, great, love it here. She goes, the CEO of the casino is gonna watch. And I go, I don't care. The pilot is the audience.

And I go, well, whatever. I mean, I'm doing my act. My act is my act. I don't have a CEO act ready to go. And she goes, one thing though, Jewish guy, he would like you to do no Jew jokes.

I'm like, I hope he skips this episode. And every other one too. And I was like, I've never heard that one. I've heard the, hey, no Native Americans, a casino, cut off the woo woo, and ayayayayay, you know. But here's what, may I say what I think? Please. Baby's crying. She might be meaning Israel.

That's what I said. Maybe she means like, hey Palit, because a lot of sure love Hamas humor. Right. So is that what she meant? That's no no I asked that. I go oh is it like an Israel-Palestine thing? A lot of anti-semitism? She goes no. He's just very sensitive about it. He's very, what do you call it, devout? Like he's a rabbi or whatever, he's bi, and just no Jew stuff at all. And I was like, damn, and I gotta tell ya, when I'm on stage, I didn't realize how much Jew shit I had.

No, yeah, offstage it's quite a bit also. That's true. A lot of people ask me about it. Jewish piano, that was my opener, I had to drop that. But you start getting into your act and you have a rhythm, you know? You got a rhythm and then you're like you just open up a bit and you're in the middle of the bit and you're like Oh, the punchline of this bit is how ugly and annoying Jews are or whatever it is. And I had like ten of those. So I would start the bit about the Jew and the Jew is the punchline and I would just have to go

blacks. I would have to change it. They're like, wait, big nose, penny pinching, what? Wow. Wow, all right. I'd be in my head going, oh, you know those Asians? And the crowd's like, Asians? Menorah and the yarmulke with Asian, what? And so I'm kind of tanking with those bits

or confusing the audience. And I get back off stage and the guy, she's like, the CEO loved it. I was like, all right. But it was, I mean, I was doing some fast Jew math in my head. Oh wow. All right, what'd you pull through?

I pulled it out. I pulled it out, but I didn't know how much Jew stuff I have. It's kind of like when they go, go clean. And you pulled through pulled it out. I pulled it I pulled it out, but I didn't know how much juice stuff I have It's kind of like when they go go clean and you're like, I got clean then you get up there You're like, I'm pretty fucking dirty. Yeah. No, you're like I can do seven minutes here. Yeah And even that it's the same thing cuz you're like Well, Picasso is weird because you want to say fucking shit. Sure. Sure. I Also just say jizz and shit and come when I

can't think of a word instead of saying like I'm like come fuck tits yeah kid sex blood shit jizz yeah anal yeah problem so the show is great the crowd was great and before me was Larry the cable guy and before that it was Ron white so they got a type over there Oh, I thought they hope The lineup I was like Jesus Christ have you closing? I don't want to follow Larry the cable Wow So great guy great cable guy great guy both them Ron white's a great egg, too He's that he's just he's a tougher nut. That's true. Larry's like, hey how you doing? Okay you want to hang out? Oh my god all right. Ron's a little more grizzled.

But he gave me a big hug one time when his mother died. So yeah but he's not as uh I think I think Ron needs to be introduced and go oh oh, you're with him, you're one of us. Okay. Where I think Larry's more like, all right, everybody come in. Yeah, yeah, Larry's a good guy. He's a good cable guy. But Ron White, one time he brought me up at the Vulcan

back pre-mothership years, brought me up at the Vulcan and he was like, Mike, Momo or whatever. I went up there and I go, give it up for Bill Ingvall or whatever. And after that, he was like, Mike, Momo or whatever. I went up there and I go, give it up for a Billing ball or whatever. And after that, he was like, I am so sorry. I just had a brain fart and he was, couldn't have been nicer. Oh, that's very nice.

Brain fart, he had alcoholism. Yeah, there you go. So yeah, yeah, great weekend, but that flight back. I had that thing where you go. Let me check my flight back 6 a.m Connect in Dallas middle seat on both ways so I text the the manager I was like hey, sorry to text you on a Saturday, but like anyway We could look at something else all paid top dollar this flight is crazy, and he was like I'm scouring the internet There's not one flight out. You can't even get to Vegas and then they're all booked. Oh

So I just had to suck it up So me and Caleb had a couple of pops at the at the hotel bar and then I was like I gotta go to bed It's 1 a.m. I gotta be up at 4. So the cycle of no sleep continues Well, someone gave me the advice with the baby because your instinct is to be like I gotta get On the first flight back to relieve the wife. That's what I did, but I think Tony Dayo's wife Carrie Anne was wonderful They're both wonderful. She had said this and then another one some person had reiterated this recently Gary and Frank that you're like You have that minstake, but then the wife ends up being like please stop doing it cuz you Because you're like, well, I went to bed at one, I woke up at two.

Yes. I flew across the country. I'm here to alleviate. And you got a headache and your breath smells like feet and your feet smell like breath. And you're like, sorry, I can't help. You drop the baby or something. Yeah.

So she's like, just take just sleep and take the 11 a.m. So you can actually be of service. I know I'm going to start doing that because at the 6 a.m. you got to realize you got to get there at 5 so you gotta wake up at 430 Alright, or that's how you travel. I'm having another hour and all that I got a 6 a.m. Flight. I get there at 4. Oh jeez Not I said the fly but yeah that but then you always go It's a six-hour flight. I'll cruise if I get three hours on the plane, and then three hours at night, that's six hours. But you never do.

Now what do you make of this? I'm in a little conundrum, because Delta, the way all these fucking businesses do, they fuck you, they get you on the line, they pull you in, so you give them their loyalty, you get in their program, they give you all the farts and whistles. Love a fart and whistle, good restaurant.

And then, after a couple years, they go, well, we're no longer giving you the fart. Love a fart and whistle. Good restaurant. And then after a couple years they go well we're no longer giving you the fart. Now you get the whistle. Is it a rape whistle? So those are valuable in this neighborhood. So they what they do is before you used to qualify for diamond, which I've done a few years running and I used to get the lounge plus a guest plus another benefit where I would get 6,000 stars at Starbucks which is like 60 drinks or something. Wow, I didn't, I never got the stars. Well you can choose your benefits, you can have a friend be gold or you can do whatever.

So they flipped a rude where now all three rewards are, you have to spend all three to get lounge plus a guest. So whereas I used to have me plus two guests. Wow, that's big. Now it's me, zero guests. Really? And I never fly alone. I'm always with Matt Wayne or Sarah. Yes. But they baby. They don't have guest allowance now, so the last few flights I just haven't gone to the lounge out of kindness of my heart. Oof. What do I do?

I told Matt, I'm like, I might have to start going to the lounge and I'll bring out some bananas for you. That's what I do, that's what I do. I bring out cookies, I bring out a coffee, I try to meet them halfway. Yeah, because now I'm like, now I just don't get to look at the lounge because... Yeah, if he's a real friend he'd go, nah, go to the lounge.

No, he does, but... so now I'm like buying breakfast, but I'm like, this is $60. Of course. We were getting free breakfast before, but it just annoys me that these fucking companies... Why'd they take the farts away? I think because they have you. Once these companies get you they just Starbucks in the same thing It used to be whatever amount of dollars you get one star and now they brought it up, right? That's why I don't trust any of these these deals they go you sign up now

We'll give you 8 million miles and a blowjob, but you're like, but there's a catch something's up They catch you you're gonna you're gonna give me the miles and then make me blow you it's the same with these wives yeah I'll let you fuck me from behind every day if you finger my pussy sure and then a couple months later like I'll fuck you once a month yeah and I'll blow you never yeah that's marriage but yeah wow you lost the other fart so I had a similar thing so I was a Diamond on everything because I was you know just flying anything I could so I built up American lounge United lounge Delta lounge so I flew American back so I go let me hit that lounge That's all I got in the world right now. I'm in Reno and they go oh

Your lounge is expired and I go well how many miles does it take to? Re-up and they go 85,000 and I go, well, how many miles does it take to re-up? And they go, 85,000. And I go, well, I must have that. 83,000 and change I got. You can't pay the difference? So I said, let me pay miles and I'll give you 18 cents or whatever the difference is. And she goes, you can't do that. And I go, how much is it to buy the lounge for the year? $900. That makes sense. That correlates. I guess so, but it used to be $500. So I'm just saying it's all top-de-terment. Yeah, no, it's the same thing. Yeah, because I think 50,000 miles is like a flight. Right. It's like $500. So that correlates. Yeah,

yeah. So I had to just suck it up and eat it at the 7-Eleven. Yeah, it's annoying. And then they jack up their prices. I know, I know. It's a bummer. You know, what can you do? Yeah. I also had the guy on the flight. I, uh, I had middle seat to Dallas and I had a window and I had the guy in the middle seat open up a full portfolio. You know, this guy's got like all of his workstation. He's got a laptop, he's got a binder, he's taking notes, he's got like a protractor out and a T-square and a calculator and a Jewish piano. It was brutal. I hate this guy. I know these people, some people just have a full newspaper with the full... Oh yeah. Yes, and he would do the thing where like I'd get a little arm rest and he's in

the middle so I, you know, I'd give him most of it. I just take that little foreskin in the back. I do the same move. But he would write in his notebook and he would go, and I was getting fucking Bruce Lee out here. I've had the same thing where you go, give me this sliver, and then it moves back. And I'm like this, all right, I'll take the front sliver. Yes.

And he moves up. All right, I gotta go back. And now we're doing the chicken dance. I'm fucking deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle. Squeeze my tits,, tits tits. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Yeah, so me and Hibbert was playing elbow all night long and that was brutal.

I do the thing, I take Dramamine. You ever do that? No. I took eight Dramamine, cause I was like, I am getting some sleep. Oh, that Dramamine, that's not sleep. It's motion sickness, but it drowsy as hell. Oh, it's aowsy as hell. Oh

Yes, okay, so I went in and just you know Snapped a bunch from Hudson news as you do and I just guzzled them down. I took eight of them tablets She's chewing them so then I went in I fell asleep for like eight minutes, and I woke up for the rest of the flight Yeah, that's the worst yeah By the way speaking of Benadry, the season three of curb is on Delta flights now, which is a godsent because they've had the most recent episodes, which blow, right? You go back to season three, I'm fucking in the flight. Yeah. Dying laughing when they're trying to find the chef and the gay chef Ted Danson and he goes, too saucy. Too saucy? Is that the one, you car wash cunt,

is that the Bobo, the restaurant? Uh... When they, this corpse-snipping dog? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love a decaf. It's a great show. Well, we almost done there, I gotta, because I gotta...

Oh, you're at 56, shit. Okay, I got a story, but I'll make it quick. Oh, shit, sorry. That's all right. Well, I got a few, but we got a bunch of episodes coming up, so. Hit me, Fanny. Well, this Okay, I got a story, but I'll make it quick. Oh, shit, sorry. That's all right. Well, I got a few, but we got a bunch of episodes coming up. Hit me, Fanny. Well, this is just not even a story,

but just a fun thing, a dream come true. My dream came true. Lay it on me, Dick. Now, this is a dream you lived for a long time, because you lived over on Minetta Lane there. That's right. Which we can reveal your old address now, I feel like. 25 Minetta Lane, apartment 3D. 3D, that was fun.

Yes, 3D glasses. Boy, it's weird to think about it, but you have lived a lot of places. Yeah, I'm a mover and a shaker, I hate commitment. You really shake, you really move. This pot is hard. Oh, you're telling me. So anyways, I had seller spots Saturday night.

Sarah had late spots, so I put in for early. Okay. And she really juiced me up. I got a 640, a 720, a 750, and an 810. Damn, you're home before nine. Home before nine and four right in a row, which you look at the lineup, and Sam is on, I'm like, we're gonna finally get to hang.

We realize we're on after each other on every show. So I didn't even see him. Come on. I saw him for five minutes. Really? I was like, how you doing? Good, okay, quick. We just talked quick about Phil Hanley's book.

That was a hot lineup too. You sent me the pic. Matty Weiner, Ryan Hamilton, Dan Natterman, Sam Morrill, me. That's a whopper. An old school seller lineup. That's lunch. But anyways, so I had the four spots and we live in Battery Park City now. It's a beautiful evening. That was a breather. Little

chilly, little sunny and I go, you know what? I think I'll walk to the club. So I walked up the West Side Highway, beautiful sun setting on the water, bundled up, put a podcast in or a book actually listening to books it's much easier than reading I got a book in your ear I'm rip oh you're a son of an onion you're a real cut up it's just wonderful you just rip through books ah it's the best I'm on chapter 4 I've never seen chapter 14 before no well reading is you got to hold. It's too much holding. Hold it in my eyeballs and you know, flip the page.

Yes. Cut your finger. Yeah, especially at night when you're like kinda, you got that thumb, your thumb's getting tired. Well, and don't you feel pretentious? I hate that I grew up in Boston with my family. Everything's gay and you're a homo. Yep.

Carrying a book to me is like embarrassing Yeah, I get that look at this guy the book Look at this fucking piece shit reading. Yeah, I just feel silly people go What are you reading? Look at you with a book people shame you for having a book They shame and they can see what you're reading and then they judge you like oh you're reading a Five n words in the West or whatever it is, by Shelley Duvall. I always, Shelley Duvall, ugliest woman of all time. I always would hold it inside out

so they couldn't really see the cover. I remember having this when George Bush's biography came out, which I forget the name of it. It's black and white, he's on the cover. My Little Goat? No, no, it's called Decision Points, I think is the name of it. Ooh, interesting.

And I was reading that, and this is a long time ago, this is like pre-podcast, I feel like. Sure. And people would be like, whoa, you like George Bush, but look at this guy, he's a big Bush guy. This is like, this is before he started painting and everyone loves him now. Right, right, right. Yeah, he was the public enemy number one.

Trump is the best thing that ever happened to Bush. That's true. People now go, oh, he's great. He's friends with Ellen. He paints. He's delightful. Exactly. But I would be carrying the book and people are like, look at this guy. You love George Bush. And I'm like, well, no, I just want to see what he said about the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I read a Hitler book. Exactly. Exactly. I'm like, you show me watching a Hitler doc. No one's like, what are you piece of shit? Let's get them. Exactly. So you're in the fan club. Anyways, I'm like, don't you want to hear what this guy has to say about Kanye?

Yes. Well, that's why like people are like, oh, Rogan has this guy on. I'm like, let's listen to this fucking bad guy. Right. Let's get some info out of him. Yeah. I wouldn't mind if you push back a little bit on some of these people instead of going, wow, that's crazy. Crazy. Yeah, that's interesting. That's crazy, yeah, that's the big one. That's interesting. But anyways, we digress.

I hate reading books, but I walked up the fucking Hudson River to work on a Friday, Saturday night. What a feeling. Oh, what a feeling. To walk to the club with the spots, and I went over there, but I had my spots wacky, where I did the VU first, killer, ripped, crushed, slayed him. Then you go over to McDougal, you see Esty, you gotta talk to Esty, you go, my god, I love you.

Kiss the ring. And my niece came over with her roommate, which was fun. I got her set up, I'm like, you got the, you're in, free tickets, got us some buffalo wings, I pay the check. Good for you. Teenagers, you know. What a guy. Which is exciting.

You got that light holding money too. Then one comedian's like, how old is your niece? I'm like, what's going on here? Oh. Very strange. Like a flirty or a really youth? I couldn't tell, they just asked. I think they maybe were just curious.

Okay. But you're like, this is odd. Ooh. I'll tell you who after. But anyways, so then get them all set up. Then you do McDougall Street, which is the hottest room ever ever. When that room is coming, it's coming.

It was like, bring the pain. Set up my life, they carry me off stage. Then I go back to the VU, Village Underground. And now it's like, it's not a 6 p.m. show, it's an 8 p.m. show. They're even hotter. Wow. So I fuck, I'm wearing leather pants and gloves. I take my shirt off. I light it on fire I fucking these faggots looking at my ass. I mean I come in a lady's face. I blowed two men

Yeah, girl kisses me on the lips another girl gives me her number now. We're talking fatty then I got my last set the fat black bar. Oh Now we're talking fatty. Then I got my last set at the Fat Black Bar. Oh, way to end on a low note. And I'm riding high. Now I think I'm fucking Mort Sall. Yeah, you're Batman. I walk up and I'm like, you ever been fucking your mother?

And the crowd is like this. Oh, that bar will really suck the ego right out of your dick hole. I mean, I ate a bag of turds, and now there's a new group of comedians in the back going, well, he's lost it. Oh, yeah. I know. I got a few texts.

I liked his first special, but man, I don't know what he's doing. Yeah, this guy's, he's, he doesn't have his fastball. Well, then I leave the club with my fucking head and balls in my hand, and I go, I got to get my life together. And I just had three of the best sets in the history of comedy.

You can't end low, you gotta end high. It was terrible. It was like I had, I went three for four with three doubles and the fourth one I struck out looking with the winning run on second. And the whole team is like, you blow. Exactly, you're gonna get traded. It was terrible, but walking to the Comedy Cellar,

what a, I can't wait for summertime. I'm gonna be riding my bike, walking, strolling. This city keeps teasing us. We're like, hey, it's 60 degrees. Ah, it's 31. Always. But yeah, good for you. That is the best feeling. All right, well we're gonna wrap up. I've got to plug this film. I have a film coming out in cinemas. Now everyone keeps asking for ticket links. It's a movie. So the ticket links aren't up yet because it's a, you know.

Is it a theater? It's a movie theater. Wait, wait, wait. When's this come out? I have no idea. Like August? Where are we at here? I don't know. I think Buttigieg is president by this point. I don't know what's going on. Oh, I can't find the fucking thing.

God damn my asshole. Why can't you find an email when you need to find it? That search bar never works. There it is. I got it. It doesn't work, right? No, I can't find a goddamn thing. Okay, Quad Cinema, here in New York City, April 25th.

If you're in New York City, the New York area, go see Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, that's the movie. Very good, it's a, you'll really enjoy it. It's all over the place. Bill Burr fucking loved it, you love it, everyone seems to love it. Atlanta. He's a hard guy to please. The Midtown Arts Cinema, that's starting May 9th. Cambridge, Massachusetts, Kendall Square, 9, May 9th. Chicago. This is in Glenview, the landmark, the Ritz 5 in Philadelphia. That's right downtown Philadelphia. Ritz 5 Cinema, great cinema. May 9th. It's not one night, it's a run. Yes. Go often, go early. San Francisco, the Lark Theatre, Los

Angeles, Sunset 5 in LA. Wow, you're all over the West Coast. That starts April 25th, Grand Rapids, Kalamazoo, Michigan. Woo! It's playing at the Celebration Grand Rapids fucking thing, San Jose, California called 3 Below. Wow, this is exciting. Yes, Boston, Massachusetts Lexington Venue.

I don't even know what that is. That's in Lexington, Mass. May 22nd through the 25th. So it's playing all over the fucking place. Please go see it in the cinema. Make a night out of it. Go to the movie theater, bring a friend, enjoy it, get some popcorn, yuck it up. You're going to leave with a tear in your eye and a boner in your pants. Absolutely. And then, uh, act me comedy club, Minneapolis Minneapolis April 10th through the 12th those are selling out it's gonna sell out. Hell yeah, maybe we'll add some. Cleveland in May Rochester in May a bunch of dates on Punch Up Live sorry I

went for so long there. You're good hey I'm at Santa Barbara never been there. No I heard great things. Oh really? It's like a fun beach town then we're going to Asheville North Carolina and then a whopping Bristol, Tennessee, also in Rochester, Portchester, Ithaca, Albany, and then... Nashville pass? I'm sure we're past that. It's April 3rd, the rhyme. Oh, I think we're past that. Okay, then I'm going to the UK for a couple, maybe a week and a half, at London, Birmingham, Cardiff, Belfast, and then Australia later in the year August, July-ish and that'll be you know Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, New Zealand as well. The whole run tell the Kiwis and the

the what do they call women? Sheelas I think? Those will pack right out. Australia we're big in Australia. I love it. Every, I get 15 messages saying when are you coming to Australia? And I say I can't I'm sorry love the Aussies I might even bring the fat man put them in the overhead see what see what's what yeah I think you could do that. I heard Santa Barbara's where Southern California like starts. Oh, really? I like the line you ever hear that is Mexico then when you then Barbara What yeah, oh, yeah, Mexico to Santa Barbara. Okay, I can't wait. Barbara, not a great name,

but you put a Santa in front of it, feels like a cool place. There's so many Sans and Santas out there. It's all San and Santa. Yeah, right? San Diego, San Jose, Santa Barbara, San Bernardino, San Francisco. Then there's Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, Los Feliz, Las Vegas, Las prevention, Los Viginity. Yeah, yeah, so the lost world. Los Boys. Thank you. Check out Fun Bearable Podcasts, tell them Steve Bob. Yeah, yeah, and Kevin Smith is doing something new and the Jokers are in trouble. Q. So yeah we'll see you in hell folks. Thanks Chuck, thanks Lex, thanks Rupert. Patreon. Oh Mark's about to pull a splinter out of my foot on Patreon. Are we going for that? I can't wait. I gotta soak my foot. You gotta go soft. You're gonna have to get some good close-ups of this. Oh this is gonna be bad my foot is nasty. Let's make it like a fucking like a saw film. Let's really get in there

It's gonna be bad, and I don't know if I can trust you. I wish Salacuse was here Oh, I've been pulling splinters out of gaze since 88. All right well get on the patreon Don't go watch a splinter come out of my nasty hoof. There's a big ward on there. They're dry. They're cracked Maybe we'll play with that too while we're down there Oh Jesus Alright folks, there we go. Comedy. I'm in the heavens when legends cry. Oh, miss me watching the music die.