Tuesdays with Stories! - #602 Cult 45

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

We’re attacking the celluloid with this one and getting into plot holes, baby!! Mark oversleeps in Napa Valley, but the main event is Joe getting into the nitty gritty of his new special! Behind the scenes on The Truth spitting the truth! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list   - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with  code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Support the show and get 15% off your Huel order, plus a free gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code TUESDAYS15 at https://huel.com/tuesdays15

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That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. We got a lot going on Chuck's double park there's two kids upstairs our wives left us we're gay now, but here we are We're recording. This is a funky episode. There's two cats here There's two homos here Mother here. Yes, Chuck is literally double parked, all you hear is honking and we're trying to play it down like I think you're fine and I just see three people jumping on his hood, they drew a swastika on his car, they let the air out of the tires.

He shouldn't have bought a cyber truck, that's not him. Where did he go? Oh boy. Oh, his car's gone. This poor guy. I mean. He just killed Whitey on the side. I feel bad honky lips. I feel bad for Chuck because he looks like that but also, yeah that's a problem. He came out here an hour ago, he's been driving around

looking for parking for 40 minutes, he finally double parked, he's in hot water because he punted our recorder last time and killed an episode. You better believe it, you got that right. It's some tension. He feels terrible, I feel bad that he feels bad. I feel hungover but yeah, we're making it all work, and we're here for the people, and we got a lot to talk about. Yeah, we gotta get in there. I don't know, I mean, we're all fucking whack

because we lost an episode, and then we recorded it at 11 o'clock, so I told some fresh stories, but some old stories, so I don't know what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Our periods are off. We were in sync, Jerry. I mean, we were bleeding together

like the Shining down the the hallway and now it's all Topsy-turvy by the way is our episode we might be drunk coming out or do we fuck up? Oh, you know what happened? Oh Gaffigan came on and threw his big old pale dick around and said I need that out too sweet No, you're next. It's better for us. Okay. Make sure they weren't like Tom's too drunk. Joe's gay No, no, I'll just said cut it now that't like, Tom's too drunk, Joe's gay. No, no. My father said cut it. No, that food loving honky came in and was like, hey, I gotta get this out for something with this bourbon. No, it worked out great.

How long do you think I can keep this balanced? Well, if you, don't move. I think if you hang like that, you got all night. Maybe. Remember that was a big, that was a big posture thing when we were boys. You put a book on the head to see if you had good posture. Which Chuck, by the way, that thing would be sliding off all over the place.

Yeah, he couldn't get the Koran up there. So what's been going on? I went to ACME, I talked about that a little bit. Oh yeah, Minneapolis. Minneapolis, and I gotta tell you, club is just the shows the showroom sure right the green room is a little iffy frankly that's true it's a ISIS bunker in there you want to stop some club you know what they should do have you ever heard of this thing 360 the degree it's 360 called did you know I'm talking about it's in business no you do three, well you shouldn't do it, but it's a 360, neither should I,

a 360 assessment thing where everybody you know or work with anonymously just hits you with everything. And you can write whatever you want, because Derek had to do one for work. I first heard about it from this guy, Dan Harris, who did one. It's an evaluation. An evaluation.

I see. And it's anonymous, so people can literally write literally write fuck your mother you fucking piece of shit. Yikes. And but some people write like we love you but you pick your nose and wipe it on my asshole whatever it is. Okay this is not bad it's help it's crack what a criticism what a constructive. I think it's constructive criticism and you're supposed to do it with all the people you know. Why did I start talking about? Oh comedy club? Should do this. That's good. The only problem is you're gonna get those bitter queefs out there who go He didn't book me in 1988 because he said I was fat and ugly and now I'm gonna rape you in the better business bureau

Well, I think first of all first of all, you think that whoever it is would just ignore that and go, well this guy's always just a bitter psycho. You hope so. Although I don't really do that with YouTube comments. I'm like, this guy is killing me. And my therapist is like, Good point.

What are you crazy? The guy's a piece of shit? Who would write that? Job. I'm like, I don't know, yeah, my dad. But I think you get it with comics that work there. You have to have a W9 from this club I like it because some certain clubs not one I've already mentioned. I would say hey, you know, you're the only club

That doesn't have a waiter come back. That's insane. It's 2025 over here We're in the 90s and I would I wanted a TV in every green room Partly just because sometimes you have an MC who's a fucking bag of turds. And they jump ship. And that 20 minutes, your feature's on stage, I'm sitting there going, yeah, well, it's a lot of work, I met my mother in April, whatever. And you just want a game, so you can go, how about this?

Yes, focus on the game, quit asking me about my dad. I think that's so much of love of sport, is that you get something to be like, how about this? I think that's kept father and son together for millennia. I think back in Roman times they go, hey dad, look the lion ate him. And the dad goes, don't talk to me. So I think that's something.

I think and then baseball throughout the 50s and then basketball, NFL, forget about it. Well, we talk about that in the Tom Dustin portrait of a comedian out in theaters, May 9th, New York and LA, April 25th. But he talks he talks about because I asked him about have you ever felt uncomfortable socially because he's so social But he talked about his whole life growing up. He had no sports influence. So any time sports came up He had to fake it and it fucks with you for your life I agree and I think that's why the WNBA's doesn't work because dad and son can't get into it. Great point I have a point. Well, that might be causal though.

The real reason is because the women are 5 foot 3 and can't jump two inches off the ground. No, no, they can't. You know, I've always said they should make the WNBA because the women aren't watching. That would help if the women started watching. Women are watching NFL or NBA, let alone WNBA. Right.

So they should make it a reality show. I think that's a great point. Make it a 90 day fiance, a below deck, a bachelor, cunt, whatever it is, and have the ladies fight, get in the locker room, get some drama. Who are you dating? Who are you scissoring, black lady? Boom! Now it's a hit.

I think that's a good point. And then the basketball is just a little clip. Yes! It's a sliver. Just then the basketball is just a little clip. It's a sliver. Just like, you know, like in a movie during the the montage, it just says, you know, wolves, 48 penguins, 32. They won this game. Teen Wolf. I'd say it's 80 percent movie, 20 percent basketball, maybe 10.

First, your clothes catch on fire. Then your car hits a tree. Yeah, what was that, boof? What was that chick's name? Boof. Boof is an all time hot. Who went with boof? What guy in the writer's room was like, we're going boof?

Her name's a fart. Yes, yes, boof. That's when you chug boos in your ass. Oh, is that right? Yeah, that or you steal something, he boofed it. Yeah, yeah, you fucked up. Oh, see, boof was a fuck up to me. Oh, big boofed it. Yeah, yeah, you fucked up. Oh see Booth was a fuck-up to me Oh big booth. I I boofed it. I fucked up. What do you got?

You got a bag full of wires over there. It makes me think we're not recording Chuck left and came back with 48 wires Yeah, look at he robbed a Circuit City. Also you found parking like that Okay, well you go no lot Oh good for you. You know that old Larry David quote Paying for park is like paying for sex if I apply myself I can find right Larry but see Larry that curb your Larry David got taken by porn people you know that Instagram we all follow no no It's called curb your Larry David. I'm sure you follow it I do follow it, but there's a bunch of like crazy porn ladies on there now Ah, it's funky. I'll show you. Yeah

Well show me later because I don't want to get a pop wood on the pod. Good point Remember those days we could just pop wood by looking at a thing Now I need to blow myself for a half an hour before I can get hard. Same Sometimes you'll wake up with one which is strange because you're like what the hell happened during the night? Did a fairy dust tickle my taint? I still think dreams are the craziest thing of all time. I would say Martin Luther King, he had a big one. Yeah, that was a dream.

That's like a different kind of dreams, there's different kind of believe in too. I remember when I was a boy, seven or eight, my aunt Betty saying, I don't believe in guns. Oh yeah. And it didn't make sense to me, I was like, what are you talking about? The cop has a gun, his guns. Yes. I don't even heard, I don't believe in guns. And it didn't make sense to me. I was like, what are you talking about? The cop has a gun, his guns.

I don't even heard, I don't believe in Santa Claus, I don't believe in my child. So it was weird to hear, I don't believe in guns. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah, that is a great point. They're real. It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, it's happening.

I'm gonna shoot you in the face, Aunt Donna. And she, it's funny, I have an aunt Donna. Whoa That must have slipped into the subcon. I think there's no way I would pull that Well, it's all D's in my family. My family is Deb, Donna, Doug, Dah, Dale and their dad is Duncan Jesus, D's nuts. It's Duncan, Donna, Dale, Deb, Dah. It's like a good one hunting. Yeah, they do that with the Kardashians They're all K, so you can't have three of them. And then you got the Jimmy Kimmel is Jimmy,

Joan, Jackie, Johnny, they're all J's. Yeah, I never understand that. Will you do that with the daughter? If you have a daughter, it'll be Vanessa or... Do you have a daughter coming? No, it's cool it on the name. Oh, gotcha. The name's not out there.

Oh, I see. It'll probably slip eventually. Yeah, eventually it all slips. I tried to do the same thing, it doesn't work. Yeah, right. Everyone just says it, but bleep that. It didn't take. Oh, they won't be able to figure it out.

But this is pretty clever. Pretty good. That's pretty good. I'm not crazy about that name, but it's a good run. You know what girl names I like? We're not gonna have another kid, but I like Melanie and Valerie. Wow. I like a Mel, Val, I like we're not gonna have another kid, but I like Melanie and Valerie Wow I like a Mel Val

I like a Nick short name or a long names you get mad Melanie Melanie is a beautiful name That's a very nice. I don't like Melody, but I like Melanie Melody as a name And that's melanoma, which you really don't want now. That's bad, but isn't there a good one. That's a little key Melatonin that's good. Although she's a little boring Val's a little boring. Whistle. Val's a great name too. Val. I love Val, Val Kilmer.

The problem is you just think of the lady at the cellar. That's the problem with names is you go, oh, I fucked a guy in 88 who had the name Val. Alex. Exactly, exactly. I think we got something with that sports thing with the dad. Which thing? Wow, it's, oh, with the 360. Well, here's the thing with the 360.

Oh yeah, 360. Hit me with the 360. We crave, human beings crave that because we like excellence. That's why Gordon Ramsay comes in there with his big British mop of blonde jizz and he goes, oh, you call that the sauce, you faggot, or whatever, and whatever and you're like wow this guy's coming in cleaning house Right bar rescue is another one Doge You know like they come in and they go hey, this is all wrong I can fix this and I think people love they get the popcorn out and they go Gordon Ramsay's a tough bitch

Yeah, fix me you want to be fixed so I don't know maybe we should do it I know Chuck's if we did this 360, I would right away, I'd be like, that was Chuck. Chuck, you know what the 360? This is a thing in business where everyone you work with or know anonymously writes a report for you. Yes. So you look at it and it says, you're a piece of shit.

I saw you looking at my wife's tits. You always fart. You're a fucking homo. They throw out the curve. They throw out the like hey you look gay today They throw that one out right they don't they don't oh, I think you just get oh I don't know. I think it's an outside group does that's their thing. It's like their job Well, I did Jim Norton's podcast and people call in and so they got homeless pimp on the ones and twos going, delete that one, delete that one, because they go, you got a question for Mark? And everything is like, ask about when he did this,

ask about that guy he fucked, ask about that drug he did, or ask about that. And it was like, cut that motherfucker right there. Cut this motherfucker right here. Yeah, so we had to do a lot of. Yeah, well it's the same with the Q&A. Our Q&A is from Patreon, so it's mostly good people. But you put it on Twitter, it's a lot of like, why do you suck so bad? Why do you blow? Why is your sister gay?

Exactly. But anyways, we'll do a 360 and it'll be fun. Yeah, that'll go great. Can't wait to open that up to the internet. I think we'll do okay. I think we'll do alright. That's basically what Reddit is, just like 350 million people going, this is why this sucks. Right, but they don't have your best interests in heart. That's true. That's true. Good point. You know what my favorite thing in the world is? And this is what's happened. I've talked about this before. I try to avoid Reddit as best I can, but I love plot holes Reddit. Ah, that's gold. It's so fun. And I realized

sometimes I like a mediocre to bad movie more than a good movie because I love plot holes. There are a lot of fun. It's so much fun. Better than potholes. What happens is the algorithm, they know me. So I'm like, let me go look at potholes and the top of it is like Tuesdays with stories. Is Joe List actually a homo. A video like this. Go let me see it! Yeah, you can't not look at the homo headline. Yeah, but anyways. Horrible newspaper. We were. Homo headlines in the morning. The box is shaped like a dick.

I don't know, what am I doing here? But anyways, what was I on about? One ads, one aids. All right. What am I about to say? Oh, plot holes. One aids is good. That's good.

Don't brush over one aids. Thank you. Plot holes. That's very holes. That's good. Don't brush over one-eighths. Thank you. Plot holes. Plot holes. So I was out in Minneapolis and I like to go to the cinema. Yes. And I hope you do too. Jolisssmallball.com, May 21st, premiering at theaters across the country. TomDustinDoc.com. Woo, double feature. That sounded like a gunshot. Yeah, what was that? I don't know. Like a... I think it was like a big dump truck. I see.

Didn't sound good though. I think Rupert sat down. You're hot today, baby. I got tore my rotator cuff. Yeah, you were doing that the other day too. Yeah, it's killing me. You know what it does, it goes, then it hurts, hurts, hurts, and the pain gets really bad,

then it pops, and then it feels better. You ever had this? No, I mean I've had nagging injuries. I got nothing but nagging injuries now. Right, yeah. Well, hold on, let me see if I can get the pop on a mic. Wait, it's not there yet. All right.

Let me gear up. You keep going. Well, my right shoulder's fucked up. I can only lift it this high. Really? Yeah, I used to be able to lift it up here, but now it's only this high. Wait a minute. You just did it

Oh, okay Commiserate no, it's an old guy. Oh, that's fun. Good job kids. Love it. That's good stuff Do that to an eight-year-old they'll blow you that's a little advanced for me that you got to make a blow you but yeah You really have been right over your head. Sorry. I'm in shoulder world here clip that clip that motherfucker right here So anyways, let me get right to it Shoulder world great amusement park you shrug Cold shoulder. Yeah slides off your shoulder to Rosa shoulder like a continental

Over the shoulder boulder holder. There you go. So anyways, I'm out in Minneapolis. I love going to the cinema. I just, I like the, it feels very meditative. You put the phone up your ass, you get a popcorn, you get a soda, you get an M&M. I love sitting there, but nowadays movies suck. Yeah. And in April, there's just no good movie. Everything comes out in Christmas time. Right.

Maybe this summer, I like horror movies. So Halloween, you get some fun horror movies. July, maybe you get a blockbuster. I'm not really a blockbuster guy. A lot of action. Christmas, you get the good stuff. Oscar bait. Right. So April, it's all dog shit, but I still like going to the cinema. Yes. So Matt and I went and saw this movie Drop. Ah, the Drop. You know about this? No, no not the drop oh yeah that's a movie okay drop drop is like this guy it's the same as fucking carry on it's like the guy is got it so he's texting like you better murder him I thought that was well done carry on yeah well carry on he's got the most plot holes

ever but it's fun I had a great time with it carry on our way words Wait wait you won't give me some plots some holes carry on yeah Well first of all the whole plot the movie hinges on him taking a dirty air pod and just putting it in his ear Do that they wouldn't be a movie Sitting there, I don't remember that she had she's like this is somebody's air pod. He puts it in. He's like hello. Oh the guy's like take this out and I'll kill you. And he's like oh that's no good. All right. He just keeps listening. How did I miss that one? Then in carry on the partner has a caravan that's just perfectly parked on Christmas Eve at the airport. Somehow he just founds parking.

The girlfriend? No, no, the bad guy's shooty guy. The guy that's in the van with the headphones on. Oh yeah. He's got a gun. He has a perfect view of the lady. Politician. Yeah, he could just shoot her anytime. And then at one point she literally has a red dot like the laser for a gun. Sure.

And it's on all sides of her head. And no one caught it. It's like a 360 around her head somehow, which doesn't make any sense. And there's many others too, like how does Jason Bateman get into the airport? Like how is he in there in the first place? He stabs a guy and nobody notices, there's no cameras.

Then he drugs his friends, oh, he spikes his friends drink, Yes. Who gets fired and he's like, well, I guess I'm fired for drinking on the job. But why wouldn't he just be like, oh no, pull up the camera, I didn't do that. Yeah, that's a good one there. They work in security.

He could just be like, no, no, that's crazy. Watch the camera, I didn't do that. Good point, it was a fun watch, but they're really tearing it down here. Very fun, and then also they just like close this toxic gas bomb in a refrigerator and it's not a problem for anybody. Oh yeah.

It's gonna blow, and also he just carried the bomb on himself, which, how did he do that? Oh yeah. There's a lot of wacky stuff. I gotta rewatch. This movie Drop has even more. Oh really? And it's fun as hell and you watch a bad movie and then you go to

reddit plot holes you'll be rolling in the aisles laughing. You know what you got to do? Tell me. Pulp Fiction they got The Wolf. All these movies they go out and they do a plot hole scan they go hey we can't put this out this doesn't make sense that doesn't make sense but obviously they're missing 15 of these every movie. You got to go in let, hey, let me see the movie first, kick the door in and go, you put the thing in a refrigerator, there's a fucking eye, a scope on her head, no one noticed, he got a best parking spot,

you'd save film. I would love to do that, I love- 360. These things like that, I'm like, that doesn't make sense, I'll be the 360 guy. 360 movie. Yes, I like this idea, I'd love to do it, and it's a lot of fun.

But yes, some of the things just don't make sense. This movie drop. This guy's getting the woman to kill a guy for him. But then the whole movie, he's doing crazy shit. He kills a different guy. She gives the piano player 20. And then he somehow gets the 20 and puts it under her food. So she's eating her food.

And she's like, there's the 20. But I'm'm like how did you do that right why don't you just kill the guy then yeah you're a magician all of a sudden doesn't make any sense and nobody's seen this movie nobody will ever will see the movie no it's not doing well but there's also another thing where the idea he gets this woman to kill a guy for him to to frame her, but then at the same time, he has like her kid held hostage on camera at the house. So if we went to trial, wouldn't she just be like, oh no, I killed him because he had my kid held hostage. There's video footage of it.

Yeah, there's cameras everywhere now. That's really, that's like the 50% of plot holes. There's cameras everywhere when you check the footage. Yeah, but anyways, it's a lot of fun. I still love it. It's a fun. Right. Yeah. But anyways, it's a lot of fun. I still love it. It's a fun time. But yeah, these movies, they get through the wringer, all that red tape. It takes eight years to make a movie, eight producers, nine million dollars, and they still fuck up. Well, you know, the greatest plot hole of all time. Please. Is

in Back to the Future. Well, there's a whole bunch there. But anytime time travel, you're always going to have a mess. It's over. The biggest plot hole in Back to the future. Well, there's a whole bunch there. But anytime time travel, you're always gonna have a mess. It's over. The biggest plot hole in Back to the Future is, at the end, he goes, Marty, you've gotta come back with me. Quick, get in the car. And he grabs her and throws her in the car. You're like, you're in a time machine. Oh yeah.

You have a year to do it. You have 10 years to do it. Right. But the whole plot of the second one is Jennifer comes along because they need Jennifer to come. So he's like, like everybody get in the car Yeah, you're like, why is he rushing him? And he's like I just got back. We're gonna go on a trip, right? Like why not just let him go on his vacation and then when he gets back be like, all right now

Let's go save the future. We have a time machine. You're in a time machine. It's kind of like how superheroes are ripped like like Superman is jacked. He's a buff dude, but he can pick up a car, but he's like, well which one is it? Are you a superhero? Is the car just the amount of weight that strains you? This is a great point. You wanna go in partners? Cause that's a great point.

That's a good point, right? Why is he, is he a superhero or is he not a superhero? Is he almost strong? You know, uh oh, what is that? It's a package. Oh, thank God. It's a package. Oh, thank God. It's a drop. Yeah. The drop ploddles. I like the drop.

That was supposed to be in Boston, by the way. But they had done too many. It's a Dennis Lehay, but they had done too many Boston dramas that they were like, put it in Brooklyn. Yeah, we got the town. We got the John Baby gone. Yeah. The other one. What is the other one? There's a good will. Oh, the town. Yeah, the town was big. John baby gone.

There was another one, wasn't there? The Bean Town heist. Yeah. Caper. What was the other one? Boston. Come on, Chuck. Mystic River. Mystic River! That was at Dennis Lehane also. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Give me back my son! What is that one? That's Ransom. Oh, that's right. That's right. I've a lot of films. Departed. Departed. That was the big one. Oscar winner. Yeah, best picture. Weird best picture. Yeah, that was the, that's what sucks about the Oscars. They're like, we had to give them one. You're like, well, give them the best one. Give them good fellows. Give them a raging bull. Give them the other one. They got to make up for it. Taxi. The plot hole I wanted to talk about was, and I've talked about this somewhere before in a podcast, and Louie pointed this out to me, Midnight Run, one of my favorite movies of all time, Martin Brest. At the end of the movie, it's revealed, you remember Midnight Run? Sure, Groton. At the end of the movie, it's revealed that Charles Groton had $100,000 on his belt. And so then he reveals he has a, so, and then Robert De Niro says, go to the cab,

you got changed for a thousand. A thousand dollar bills aren't in use, but also they, someone must have said, Hey, if he had a hundred thousand dollars and hundreds, it would have been noticeable. It would have been a 30 pound bell. He would have been like, like slogging around. A hundred thousand dollars is a fucking lot of money. It's probably weighs 50 pounds. Yeah, good point. Think about a hundred thousand in hundreds is how many thousands?

That's a thousand hundreds? It's a hundred thousand in thousands or hundreds? A hundred thousand in hundreds. It's a thousand. Yeah, it's a thousand. Yeah, you'd have to have a thousand bills on him. Yeah. I mean, that would be huge.

I mean, how many come in those stacks? What is that, 10? No. No, it's probably gonna be 50 to 100, but still, even if it was 100, you'd have to have 10 of those stacks. Yeah, it's a lot of stacks. And I think somebody at the end must have been like,

hey, I just realized you can't have $100,000 on your belt. And they're like, should we make it $1,000 bills? We'll change that. They're like, I guess so, no one will notice. And they're like, should we make it $1,000 bills? We'll change that. I guess so. No one will notice. The US currency for the movie? There's such a funny idea of just having a $1,000 bill in your pocket.

You're like, oh, I dropped my wallet. I had seven grand in there. Yeah, that's true. Another one. Boondock Saints is big. That was earlier, though. That was late 90s. Before the curve.

Anyways, we haven't told a fucking story. Boy, that's good stuff. We really digressed. Yeah, I love a plot hole. Plot holes are fun. They just keep making them. You'd think we'd fix that. AI should get a plot hole button. Right. Well, there's an interesting one about Godfather 2. This is somebody else's point, which I disagree with a bit. But, Godfather 2, when they're strangling

Frankie Five Angels, Danny Aiella says, Michael Corleone says hello. Yeah. Which then puts it in Pantangeli's head that Michael was gonna kill him and he survives, but if they were planning on killing him, why would they throw him off the scent of who's killing him? Ah. So the plot of the movie becomes like, he survives of course, and he goes, well Michael tried to kill me,

and that's the rest of the movie. Yeah. But if they're killing him, why are they saying, this is Michael Corleone, gah! Yeah, true, I guess. He's gonna be dead. That's some Italian bullshit. That's saying maybe they're just fucking with his head,

but it does feel like a bit of a plot hole. Well, welcome back to Joe and Rana on Talk Movies here. It's good to be back. Well, you're talking. No, no, it's interesting. The plot hole stuff is big. I love a pee hole. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, they call it a pee hole, but really it's a cum hole also, right? That's true. Or is that a different hole? Well, I think pee is more often, so that takes the cake. Not for me. I'm coming every few minutes. That's a lot of jizz. All right where you been? What the hell's going on? Well I gotta throw this out there. First of all I was I did a pull-up

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100% money back guarantee. That's insane. That's sheathunderwear.com promo code TOOSGAZE. Get Sheath Underwear, support the show, support your balls. We love it. It's all we ever fucking wear. That's all you need to know. You will love it also. Get a pair today. But a lady, I'm running around doing sets and there are four sets. I got to pull up it in the middle and this lady walks up to me and she goes, old lady with a dog, white

hair. She goes, I think you need this. Let me take a look. Take a look. Take a look at that. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. You know what that is? I have no idea. That is a Buddhist chant.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. You've probably heard it. Oh really? It's a famous chant. It's like to calm you down, to relax, slow down, take it easy, she's like, I run a Buddhist thing every week. You should come. You seem like hell.

You want to kill yourself. Come on by. Chanting Nam Myoho Rengoku is a great declaration of the boundless life state of Buddhahood exists within our lives. It is also a call to awaken others to this truth. This sounds like a cult. Probably. Everything's a cult now.

Cult 45. But yeah, she handed me that. Everything's a cult now. Cult 45. But yeah, she handed me that. So there you go. Have you looked in? They fucked my head up a little. I was like, geez, I got to take it easy. Old ladies are like, you got to slow it down, Fanny.

Well, try it out. Chant it up a little bit. I do a lot of Buddhist stuff in my time. Tries to keep me on an even keel. But but anytime someone's like, hey, you need to come to this organization and get other people to come in, that's against the principle of Buddhism.

Oh, good point. Good point. Yeah, suck it, old bag. I'm not going. Yeah. You chant. Yeah. So that was just something last night to throw that at you.

I thought you might've been in the group. By the way, did you hear that they named a street after Ticknott Hunt? No way! Yeah, in Manhattan. Wow, that kind of goes against his whole thing. It's like a hustle and bustle, busy street, and then this guy's like all wearing a loincloth and saying, take it easy. Well, he's changing the rules. It's going to be a calm street now. Ooh, I like that. Remember that Ted Alexander bit? He's like, I don't know Chinese, but I know great fake Chinese.

Yeah. Hang ho, huh? Yeah, whatever. He did a Letterman, by the way. Wow, what a great time to be alive. What a time. Ted had some edgy stuff. Oh, he was brilliant.

The rape thing. The prison rape. Because I think if I went to prison, I would just start raping people the first day. People like, you see the new guys raping people? Can he do that? He did it. He's like, I'm done with the airline connections.

What is it? Oh no, something I gave. If I got a connect in man's ass, I'm gonna buy the direct. Something like that, I blew it. All right, so let me throw this at your butthole and see if it hits the walls. Please. Last weekend, I'm if it hits the walls. Please.

Last weekend, I'm back to my road dates. We've got to make some money. We've got a baby. We've got formula. We've got health insurance. It's brutal. Brutal. The money is draining.

Yeah. So I've got to get back out on the road. Now I'm doing Napa, California, renting a car, driving the five hours to Santa Barbara. Right. You ever been there? I've never been, but Sarah's friend lived there. I was told it's the beginning of Southern California.

It's like the official, like, now you're entering Southern California. Well, I got to get to that. Get you Del Mar, Boca Vista, whatever the fuck you're moving to, pack it all up and go to Santa Babs. It's a Ted Farb. It's a Ted Farb. Oh my God, what a hidden gem. But we'll get to that.

Let me stay in chronological order here. Please. So I go to Napa. It's a long flight. You fly to San Fran, Siskie. You get your rental car. And you drive about an hour and a half, two hours, to Napa. OK.

Now, Napa is just one of these, it's like a storybook. It's sailboats and a pier and these cute houses. There's no hotels there. Cause it's wine country, they want to keep it cute. Okay. Stayed in an inn. Oh, I love an inn. Double N, I-N-N.

I don't care for that, but I like an inn. Well, welcome to the neighborhood. But yeah, it's a... I had no, you know, so it's like an 8 a.m. flight because I'm going cross country. The baby was just being a cunt that night before. So I got, I was on like two hours of sleep. I go up sleeping on the plane, get on the plane. You get like a, you get a half hour if you're lucky, six hour flight.

You land in San Fran, you get the rental, then you gotta drive two hours in the traffic, and you're like, god damn, I'm so tired. So I get to Napa and I go, wow, it's so pretty here. I check into the B&B, bling, bling, bling, bling. An old lady goes, are you Mr. Norman? I go, yeah. She goes, here's your key, I'm going to bed.

It's like three o'clock. She's like, here's your key, it's a metal key. I'm going to o'clock. She's like, here's your key, it's a metal key. I'm going to bed, breakfast is at 8 a.m. to 10. Coffee's on the counter, I got fresh cookies on the buffet over there. I'll see you in hell. She shows me the room. It's got the TV from the 40s.

It's got dirty furniture. It's got creaky floors. It's got the outline of a dead lady who died there. And did you book this or did your manager or the club? The manager. The manager booked it because there's no hotel, so this is what it is. This is what you got. Yeah.

At first you're like, what the fuck? I just want to check in, jerk off, but I can't jerk in here. This old lady's going to hear it and call the police. Yeah, you hear the bed. Plus you hear the cum splatter. Oh yeah, it's quiet in there, it's weird. So I drop my shit off and I go I know I'm tired but let me take a walk I gotta see Napa so I go

around I walk around beautiful everybody's not a stitch or graffiti no trash no crime no nothing. Now this is the same as Napa Valley. Yes. And so Napa is itself a town I didn't realize that. It's its own town and then you go you drive ten minutes and now you're in the the fields with slaves and the grapes Well, this thing is really on here. It really is. I mean look at this Yeah, keep it on I think it's good for the mental. All right, so uh, so we're out we're out in the Napa It's so pretty and you know, you see all the cars. Everybody's rich there. So everybody's like happy and good-looking, you know, sure Everybody's rich there. So everybody's like happy and good-looking, you know sure

Birds chirping the Sun is shining. It's like great to get out of cold gray Puerto Rican, New York, and then you land and fucking nap, but it's like wow, it doesn't seem real It's like a cheat code. Well, California is just the great. I know everyone The politics the earthquakes the gangs there's no train the electric whatever the fuck that thing is. Power boom, what do you call that? Sonic train. Yeah, something. Fast train, speed train. Speed ball, speed racer, what is that? It's called a super train. Bullet train. Bullet train! No, that's not it either, that's something else. Bullet train. That's the one out here, the bullet train. The high speed internet, high speed rail. Okay HSR. Elon was supposed to do something but then something, I can't remember. Yeah he fucked a lady and had another kid I think instead. I don't think he was an Asian kid but. Well whatever it's fun I can't stop.

It's a good time. But yeah so now I I'm like, alright, I got the show at six Seven got to be there at 630. That's my little routine. So I go alright, it's it's 430 I'm getting a nap in enough's enough. I know so I go to Napa I go upstairs and I'm not a big nap guy But I'm so wiped and I just go fuck it turn the key get in the creaky bed Move the old lady's body out of the way, I doze off, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, phone's going ape shit, it's 6.58, what? I took a nap, I took too long of a nap, it got to me Jerry. Oh Jesus. So I go, ah, and I had a whole big thing where

I was going to take a shower, I was going to shave, I was going to clean my butthole out and floss, and I just go, ah, fuck it fuck it and throw my outfit on I run to the theater and you get there The theater is 800 years old Charlie Chaplin Lost his virginity in the green room or whatever. I love those stories I do too and we get there and I gotta say the hottest crowd on the planet So great sold out show in the middle of Napa. It's a beautiful thing. You're like, I love the road, I miss the road. Oh, it's great.

So what is the market there? Is that San Francisco-y people, Bay people, or it's just kind of its own thing? It's Bay Area, gay area. San Fran is a good two hours. So it's its own thing, and nobody goes there. Right. So they don't want to stay in an inn.

They don't want to deal with the drive. So they were, they come out. That's great. It was great. And then I told my opener, I was like, Hey, he's like, here's what we're going to do. He's like this guy, Tim Young, he's a, he's a, he's a wild one. He's like, let's he's got energy. He's like, let's do the show. Then we'll drive to San Fran. Then we'll do eight spots in San Fran, which I was like, let's do it. But that night I was like, I'm out. I got a kid now. I'm a change man. That's good. You need to change. I need to change. Transition. So I went back home and I just, I had a sad jerk in that

room and slept the night away. And then you wake up early because I went to bed at like 11. So you wake up at 730 in the morning and you're like, I guess I'll hit that free breakfast. Well, especially when you're going east to west and now with the baby, forget it. You're up at four. The moon is out. Right, right. So. The devil's not around. Remember Matt Wayne and that joke? Oh yeah. The moon is out. The devil's not around. That was a great joke. You can see it on the special. Take a sniff. What was it? There's movies in the forties where they talk to the moon. The music, the music of the forties is all, yeah. that was a great bit. He also that peanut butter bit. Remember that what was that one? It's about every commercial in the 90s was like the peanut butter factories overflowing and it all explodes into the cereal

I can't remember but it was he did it. Well, we were doing an old bit of yours What was the bit about when you go to kill a bug and it flies? Ah the roach that was big It's kind of when you're fighting with a woman and she starts crying. Yes. Yes. It never worked because roaches don't fly here. That's against the Louisiana thing. Interesting.

Yeah. But I appreciate that. Boy, that's 80s. Yeah. So now I wake up and you go, well, I want that free breakfast. You know, it's part of the deal. And they laud them. So, hey, we got the best breakfast at Napa,

Nana makes it with love and tits and it's gonna be great. And you go, all right, great. So you go down there and you forget it. It's like the old days. You go down there, you sit down, there's a big buffet table and you just sit there and then another family comes. And then you gotta talk to them.

And then another family comes. And now we got three families and you're going where are you guys from we're from Dallas Texas I'll tell you what we love our Chardonnay boy and you go what about you guys oh we're from Denver you know we we have a weed ranch out there we love our Merlot and you go what about you oh we're from Toronto we love our Merlot. Mer-br-br-br-br. And they go, oh, what about you? Oh, we're from Toronto. We love our beep-beep-de-boop-bop-bop-ter-trudeau and hockey. Beep-boop-bop.

So what is it? It's like a long, so this is like a bed and breakfast. Yes. So it's like a long table and you're mixed in with the people? You have to sit there. And at first I was like, I'm not talking to these rubes. What the fuck do I care?

I'm out of this town. I'm splitting. But it's so awkward that you have to talk. Oh boy. It's like a, it's like an 80. It felt like the, like a time traveled. Oh geez. And you look at your phone, people kind of, kind of give you a stink guy and, uh, and I had a thing with a guy. He goes, I go, well, what are you guys doing? You're here for the wine? I'm just trying to start a conversation. The guy goes, yeah, why else would I be here? And I go, well, I'm here for work. And he goes, ah,

don't you love when you get a guy? Yeah, yeah, that's a great feeling. But then you're taking a gamble because then he's going to go, what line of work you? Well, that's how, let me tell you, Fatty, that's how awkward it was. I was like, I'm a comedian. Right.

It was so silent and weird. I had to say it because we needed something. I was like, oh, I pulled a rip cord. Oh boy. Yeah, no, it's tough when those, now I have that now cause I'm mixing and mingling with all the parents now cause you say parents and it's scary because every once in a while you gotta be like, yeah, well,

I'm a comedian. And they're like, whoa, I'm gonna look you up. And then you see him the next day and they're not saying hello anymore. Cause it is, that's what, that's my biggest fear of having a kid. You got, I gotta make up a job because they all went, we're following you on Instagram now, and then two days later you're like, hey! They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, all right.

You got nine minutes on Eat and Come. Exactly, and if they listen to a podcast, forget it, because I talk about Eating Kids Come, and I'm around their son going, hey, little Benny. Ha ha ha, Benny. But I'm just kidding. Oh yeah, we're joking. We're not actually eating this evening. No, yeah, we're joking. We're not actually eating this semen.

No, no, we're thinking about it. Yeah, it's curiosity sparks. But. Nam-ya-ho-ren-ge-kho. So I'll tell you, I've never eaten French toast so fast. I shoved that right in my dick like Ali McBeal. I went up, I puked it, I got all my shit together and I hit the road. Yeah, so I want to ask you a side question before we get to San Bernardino.

No, Barbara. Santa Barbara. It's all sands and sands out there. A lot of sand. No claws, though. Well, there's probably some claws that says you can't eat your French toast too fast. That's true. I presented this real quick, just a quick diversion. And I want to hear about Santa Barbara. Yeah, because I presented this to my Derek Derek and his family, and they all dismissed me,

but then they regretted it and apologized. Last night I presented this to the regs, and they thought I was nuts, but you might feel me. Well, they're not as open-minded as me, if I can say that so boldly. No, they're not. They're just mean cunts of humans. And you're a nice boy, at least to me. I'll take it. Some other people, 360 might be rough. Yeah it's true. But I like you. So this is the thing, you got an option. I'm gonna give you an option. I have magical powers. Oh great. Are you ready? Make my dick bigger. Your flights, next flight, your gig, your travel, wherever you're going.

Oh no. You can just warp there. Oh wow, that would be huge. No TSA, no traffic, no rental car, nothing. Beautiful. But there's a 30% chance you'll lose one of your arms for six months. Ooh.

It's not pain, it's pain free, it's not a bloody shit, it's just a nub. You get it back in six months and it's only a 30% chance, but no traffic, no TSA, no screaming baby, no putting the luggage over. You just go click and you're in wherever, Nashville. You only get one, one transfer, transportation? Every time.

Every time. For the rest of your life yes You have to make the decision where you want it when you want to use it. I guess right and the 30% is It a one-time thing like if you do it 30% or every single time 30% I wouldn't do it what I can't lose that arm for six months You lose your bad arm by the time you get it back. It'll be bad Oh, that's not bad six months is a lose your bad arm by the time you get it back it'll be better that's not bad six months is a long time to go no arm but think about how long it takes how tired

you are yeah 30s relatively low that's true the odds are in your favor but it's every time it's 30 so but you got to go to uh na Yeah. Oh, where's your next gig? Asheville, North Carolina. How about Australia? Oh, now you're talking, Fetty. You're in Australia. You might have to do the whole trip with one arm. Yeah.

One arm's not bad. Look at this. No, no, I can do one arm. Shane and Nate did their whole careers with one arm. Look at that. Yeah, armed is dangerous. Still beat off, you can still hold the mic, you can still finger your wife, you can still jerk off,

you can brush your teeth. Yeah, but you'd be lopsided. Six months, you're going to lose muscle all over here. No, no, you just get it back regularly. Oh, okay, okay. You get your arm back. Well, here's the thing. I would do it for the one time, because the odds are super in your favor.

Yeah, you don't have to do it every time. Okay. Then I would do it to Australia. Australia's about, it's a 20-hour flight. Right. Now I get there and back. Well, you got 30% each time, but 70% is pretty good. It's very good. I would do it there. If you shot 70% from the field, the basketball game, you'd be the greatest night of shooting of your life. That's true. Yeah. I would do it there. Australia buckle up because I might have one arm. So come see the one arm man do a couple of yucks.

All right. San Bernardino. Barbara, baby. So I got to just tell you this town, it was a five and a half hour drive. Don't you hate they go, it's five hours. It's actually 540. Yeah. They go five and then that extra 40 just kills you. Not to mention you got to get gas. You got to get some, you know, Chips Ahoy or Famous Amos, you gotta get some Mountain Dew, you gotta blow a guy in a truck stop.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. All the things. Now it's 620. All the fundamentals. So I just barreled it down there. I left at 10 a.m., got there at about 3. Holy cumstain! This place is heaven on earth.

I mean, I parked the car and you drive in and you're like, what the hell is it? It looks like a movie set. Everybody's good looking, hot blonde, women walking around and the beach, Jerry. And it's one of these unassuming beaches where you just walk on. It's not like, hey, this beach costs $4.

Hey, that beach is, that's for the poor people. It's just beach. Wow. And it's ocean and it's these old buildings with the pier, you know, with the Ferris wheel and it's kids running around and everybody's hot and free and drinking and living up, the girls with the fucking ice cream cone

and they got a street called State Street. Then they close off, you just walk down. And it was beautiful and there's no crime. I got a haircut there and the guy goes, you know who was in here before me? Or before you? And I go, I don't know, Mick Jagger. And he goes, Michael Keaton.

Whoa! And I go, get out of here, you had Michael Keaton. I'm in a hole-in-the-wall barber shop. And he goes, you don't believe me, huh? Opens the drawer, pulls out a little Batman figurine, signed Michael Keaton on it. No kidding. I was like, what the fuck?

I'm in the same chair as the Batman? Well, let me ask you this. Yes. Does Michael Keaton show up with the Batman figurine or does this guy have Batman in case Batman shows up? That's what I said. I said, what the hell? Is he walking around with these figurines?

He goes, he does. Michael Keaton is walking around with a sack full of Batmans? Well, maybe not a sack, maybe he goes, I'm going to the barber today, I'll get the barber figurine. Wow. Now, can you get like a, what was that other movie?

Wolfman figurine? Birdman. Birdman? Can I get a Birdman figurine? Nah, I don't think you can get a pick of the litter. You gotta go with the figurine he's carrying. What the hell was the ending of that movie, by the way? Made no sense. Blood hole.

I went and saw it with, what's it called? Sam. Yeah. And at the end of the movie I'm like, what does that mean? I don't get it. Yeah, that was a wacky film. Yeah, it's a fun movie, but the last scene I don't get. Emma Stone I would like to just do really naughty things to.

Yeah, Edward Norton's not bad either. Yeah, he's a great actor. I wouldn't want to really eat his ass so much. I hear he's a real difficult cunt. Is that right? Oh, I'll send you a YouTube montage of that guy flipping out on set. Oh, wow. Okay. He's one of these, I want control guys. Interesting. So they have to write it. You know,

you do Stress Factory, you're writing your clause, Santa. You go, hey, no Vinnie Brand doing 40. They have to write it into his contract. Like, hey, you don't get to fuck around with the directing and the editing. No kidding. Yeah. He's a douche, I hear. Speaking of this, I just did a comedy club. I won't name which one, but 360. And we have Riders. And my Riders is blueberry, banana, strawberry, tea. Riders on the store. And chocolate chip cookies.

That's a fun rider. I went there, and they're just like this, oh, no, we don't do that. And I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, a lot of people don't eat the stuff. And we ended up just having all this extra stuff. So we just don't do it. I know that club, I bet. And I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, a lot of people don't eat the stuff, and we end up just having all this extra stuff, so we just don't do it. I know that club I've been.

And I was like, all right, that sucks. West Coast? Ah, I don't want to say. I know what I think. West Coast, let's say. And I was like, OK. And then the MC went out and bought a bunch of fruit, because I talked about it, and I was like, that's really weird.

And the next day, the MC, who probably makes $8 an hour, he came back with like $30 worth of fruit. What a guy. Yeah, he was awesome, so I'm like, oh thank you. Yeah. But isn't that strange, just be like, nah, nah, we don't do that. Yeah, yeah, I know a guy.

What are you talking about? Who asked for shit and they did that to him and he flipped, he flipped shit and now he doesn't work there anymore. Yeah, it's just very strange. I was like, all right, I mean, I can get bananas and blueberries, but I'm like, says it in the thing. And they read it, they were like, yeah, nah, nah, some other people don't do it. And I'm like, well, why do I have I can get bananas and blueberries, but I'm like, says it in the thing.

And they read it. They were like, yeah, no, no, some other people don't do it. And I'm like, well, why do I have to suffer because these other people didn't do it? Yeah, that's a good point. Very strange. Well, in their defense, I've opened for a few cats who asked for like Tom, Dick and Harry on the rider and they don't touch an inch of it. It's just a work.

Right, right. It's just a, hey, let me see if you'll suck my dick if I ask you. Well, I like eating fruit backstage and I like a cup of jizz. Tea. Yes, yes. It's fruity. I like jizz. So, yeah, I just got a harp on Santa Barbara, one of the most beautiful places, and they

say, LA's 100 miles away. We want to keep it that way. Oh, I like that. So they know what they got. They know, hey, we're not a bunch of queefs out here. We're not a bunch of LA cunts. Go do your TikToks, your movie business, your fake lips. We're the real deal.

We're a drinking town. We're a party town. We're a beach town. We surf. We smoke weed. We get hammered. Leave us be. Interesting.

Now, it's funny, poor LA, they're like, you know, Austin is like, don't California our Texas. Santa Barbara's like, we want them far away yes very uh interesting everyone's like keep this shit away from me yeah yeah you think maybe they take a hint after a while I think they're trying I think they're slowly getting the hint yeah but LA has got its perks as well so you know you got to do what you got to do everything alright I think I heard a sound like sounded like someone broke a pool cue, like when you break, shh.

Yeah. No, no, what do you got? I'm hogging here. No, no, I got nothing. Are you kidding me? Come on, lay it on me, Fanny. Well, I'm all twisted and turned and whacked out because we did an episode that we lost

that we kind of re-recorded it, but I can't remember what I said on that and what I said before. Yeah, I think I remember. I went to Minneapolis. Oh, we went to the ball game. I can't remember what happened. on that, what I said before. I think I remember. I went to Minneapolis, oh, we went to the ball game. I can't remember what happened. I mean, I didn't take notes

because I'm half in the bag. I'm all whacked out. Sure. But yeah, Minneapolis, we went to the Minnesota Twins game. It was fun as hell. Oh, nice. Yeah, had met Wayne, of course.

And we went and saw that shitty movie that was fun. Was it a outdoor game, good weather? Yeah, it was pretty good weather. It was like 60 degrees. We had this thing too where, this is a problem I gotta get over because sometimes I buy tickets and I'm doing pretty well so I wanna treat.

Treat. You grow up, my whole life, I sat out in the bleachers with my dad, there were six dollar tickets a mile away. So now you get some success and you go, well I'm gonna change my well, I'm going to change my childhood. I'm getting box seats. Whoa. But this is what happens with baseball. Eating bucks. You go down to the second row. I'm like, Matt, you're going to think you died,

went to heaven. So you go all the way down there, but you're actually too close. Ah, yes. I've had this. So you're like, the player is right there, but I can't see what the hell's going on. It's actually have more perspective up high. I completely agree. So hockey especially, but baseball too. So you end up getting these seats and you go, Oh my God, Matt's shitting, I'm shitting. But then you're behind the net and you can't really see. And then we just have two dipshits. They always follow you. These people. Yeah. Right behind you that are like, they can't not say something every second.

Right. Oh, here we go. Look at this guy. Oh, he's hitting 240. My god. And his wife goes, oh god. It's like weird virtue signaling sports watching. Interesting.

Where they're like this. Oh, yeah. Well, ever since we picked him up from Chicago on that three year deal, I know that was a bad deal. Like, they just want everyone to know we know the game. Yes, they know the scoop. And it's not like, come on, find a hole now, kill, let's go now, baseball, baseball.

That's the stuff, you know, I'm yelling cause I'm fun and then I stop for 10 minutes and you go, hey, all right, good game. These people nonstop and I'm like, Matt hates them, I hate them, like does everybody hate them? Yeah. They go, oh, we gotta get a Margarita, wait, do you I hate them, like does everybody hate them? Yeah. They go, oh, we gotta get a margarita, wait till you have one of these,

they're talking to each other, Oh God. But they're saying it and you're like, I hate this, I just wanna, it's such a curmudgeon, I'm like, I wanna just go up to the top shelf. Yes, this is why people want money to get away from that queef. Yeah, but it was just one of those ones of like,

oh boy, he's got two home runs, he's due for a home run because he had his first two of the first game of the season. It's been eight days and you're like, is this how you talk to your wife? You're literally just saying things so everyone can hear you say them. Exactly, yeah. They want you to go, boy, you really know this team. They're dying for that. Right, so, but it was still fun and then we walked around and we went up to a high and we went low we went everywhere And then I think someday I'm gonna win a 50-50. I always buy 50-50 tickets. You sit there you go I'm gonna win $25,000. Oh, yeah, then the number I hate when you get a 50-50 ticket and then the numbers come out It's not even close right that hurts. It's like your numbers 4 1 9 2 8

It's like 6 8 4 fuck you and I get mad. Hope is a dangerous drug there, fatty. Shawshank, who are those two guys? They look like rappers. They're white guys but they look like they had like, you know, whatever. They might be shooting something. Yeah, maybe, but I might be shooting myself.

But like I said, the show's all sold out. Such a great feeling. What a time. Two's Gays, Up the Ass, a lot of lady gaze, which is exciting. And I got some cookies and gift cards. It was just awesome. I told you the guy called me intelligent. I'm still thinking about it.

I'm still touched. These drunks out there. Yeah, Minneapolis was just awesome. I'm trying to think of anything else that happened. I can't even think of anything. It was one of those weekends that was just a blast. It's a great city. It's an underrated city. No one puts Minneapolis in the top 10 or whatever, but I was there one time years ago and I was driving around with the club guy, whoever

they give you, and I go, this city's amazing. The jogging trail, hot women, restaurants are all full. It's a cool town, the lakes. And I go, how come this is not like on the map? But he goes, the winters are so bad. It keeps people away and we like that. Right, everybody likes it. Well, you and I had a long dialogue a long time ago. Do you remember?

I was saying Madison over Minneapolis and you were like, you're out of your mind. This is years ago. Then I went back and rented a bike and cruised around the lake and the thing, the lakes and the rivers that you're out of your mind. This was years ago. Oh, yeah, yes. Then I went back and rented a bike and cruised around the lake and the thing, the lakes and the rivers that you're used to, and I was like, what the hell was I talking about? Okay, hey, look at you.

It takes a big fatty to come around and queef on your own salad. Well, I said this a while ago also, but you can't remember. But it's, but Madison's still great, of course. Oh, it's great. Love the lake, love the town, but yeah, it's a one street horse town.

Exactly. It's a cow town. They had a school shooting there not too long ago. And I thought that brought it down to pegs. Oh, boy. Well, yeah, no, Minneapolis is awesome. I ran along. They have all the old factories.

I ran along the river. And it's just awesome. And the lakes. Although, downtown's a little spicy. A little spicy with the riots there from a few years back. But they got 3M they got Sneezes they got what's that other one Pillsbury? They got a couple of big Target Target

Targets big yes target on your back and the Vikings the ray I kept telling them I'm like they're gonna come for the Vikings eventually Well, they're they're white though, so I feel like, because Pirates is still there too. That's true, but Pirates is more fun and argh. I think the Viking, I'm not saying, unless the PC goes the way of the Dodo, but I don't know. I know, I hear you, Fatty. The Viking is, they are a mean bunch.

It's gonna be like Cosby, it just comes in a ground swell. Right, right. You'll have to be the Minnesota, you know, fart smellers or whatever. Oh, that's a team. That's not a bad team. Yeah, LA Wildfires, I would say.

I'm trying to think of what else. I just don't have much. I didn't take notes. I came back, I'm happy to be back, and I got the movie and the thing, and I'm going to LA. You got things working. How's the publicist treating you? Publicist is great, but here's the problem.

I'm flying to LA for like a day and a half. Yeah. Cause I was like, let me go to LA and then Santino's out of town. Bert, I haven't heard back from. And who else is out of town? Oh, Harlan Williams is out of town. Somebody else, Bill Maher we tried,

but he doesn't care about me. Yeah, I tried too. Now I'm flying across the country to do Howie Mandel's podcast. Oh, God, well don't touch him. But I'll have a great time, but so if you know a pod that's big and whatever. Bobby Lee.

Bobby Lee, yeah, maybe Bobby. But I think he doesn't like me. He's got something. Does he have his own pod? I thought he was just friends. He does. Tiger Lil. Tiger Lily. Maybe I'll hit him up. But then he said he hates me on the podcast before. Well, this is perfect.

He loves that kind of bullshitty soap opera drama shit. So go just walk in and go, oh you hate me. And he's gonna go, I thought you hated me and now you're gonna be kissing like a... I don't care for that stuff. I don't either, but that's Bobby's a bled and butter. Yeah, well, I didn't I didn't give him a proper hello, I guess. Oh yeah. But we were live on air. I said, hey, we have a lot of mutual friends, and I kept podcasting. Oh yeah.

Plus you kept calling him a slanty-eyed homo or whatever, so I was just kind of quietly sitting there going, Jesus Christ. That's not like me, I don't talk to Charlie that way. So maybe I'll reach out, Chuck, you look concerned, what's happening? No, I'm good. Okay.

Okay, I kicked the wire at one point. But, show so yeah hit me up with the LA stuff I don't know when this comes out but the movie is the big thing right now I'm stressed out I'm excited and you know everyone pooh-poos the stuff but I think it'll be fun IFC Center yes no 25th no IFC is May 21st for the special and April 25th Quad Cinema in New York City. The 25th, 26th, I'll be there with bells on and hopefully it gets, by the way, I'm watching the special. It is money, this special. I'm telling you, I saw 60 seconds in that spotlight you got on with that great jacket,

the smoky robe. I don't know who cut that, Frederico Fellini? But man, that's a beauty. Yeah, we got these guys, Derek and Willie, which sounds like the guys from White Man Can't Jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Duck Johnson. The king of the duck. What was that, two black guys?

No, what are you, crazy? Wow. I would never. Two black guys out in Queens who were, who cut up a clip for me once, they were, whistling, mucho bucio. No, these guys are as white as my butt cheeks, but they did star-roasted special. cut up a clip for me once, they were muchobucio. These guys are as white as my butt cheeks,

but they did star roses special. Ah, fat rascal. Fat rascal, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're called, I forget the name of the company. Pricey? No, no, they weren't pricey. No, set them my way. Yeah, no, they're great, you'll love them.

All right, yeah, I need some, I gotta, Salacuse is chomping at my nips, I gotta get some new people He's he's he really is Kramer. He's following ass backwards into the money. He's he's shooting he's shooting Spielberg He's the DP on Spielberg's film. I know he's doing shit on list two out of here. It's never held a camera in his life He doesn't know how to hold it. He's got it on his head. He doesn't know he's got a light He doesn't know how to hold it. He's got it on his head. He doesn't know.

He's got a lighted guy. He's doing this shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, everyone I talked to, they're like, yeah, we tried to get Salacuse, but he's making, you know, fucking Kill Bill Volume 3. Right, right. So yeah, these guys were killer.

Just straight pros, and it looks beautiful. Where'd you find these cats? Stavros. Oh, that's right. I think they're in Austin. I don't know, my manager said these guys, they sent me. They also did, who's that other guy? John Lennon.

No, no. Nixon. Eugene, not Eugene. What's his name? Eugene Levy. Eugene O'Neill. Fuck it, he's really funny. He dated that fucking lady we hate.

Martin Ubono. They did Martin Ubono's podcast. Or special, whatever. So anyways, they, okay. And our special whatever. So anyways, they're great. And it's got to be on the big screen. Oh, yeah. Check it out. May 21. You got to see it. Let's go Mayplanner 21st. Tom fucking Joe Liz Smallball. It's hard to promote two things at once. I know. I have to re-promote when they start streaming. But maybe it helps. Maybe one helps the

other. I think so. Well, you get the buzz going and it makes people want to talk. They go, oh, you got two things at the same time. Sure, sure. So it'll be fun, but. That's exciting. I can't wait. I'm excited to why.

It's so cinematic looking. And then you got the twofer going with the big room and the small room. So check it out. And plus, you want to stay on the Joe List Gravy Train. You got three in the books, now four, like stay on the saga. It's like Harry Potter. Well, we got a nice cult following going. We're just going to bring in the other people. So I appreciate everyone spreading the word. And I'm really grateful for all these people that come

and say the nicest things. Because you get in your head on the internet where everyone's like, you're a fag, your comedy sucks. And then you go to the show and people bring gift cards and they cry and they shake and they go, oh my God, you changed my life. So trying to be more in that. So come on out, buy a ticket. And the theaters, by the way, are very small.

So get the tickets. It's like 40 seat theaters, 50 seat theaters. That's going to go clean. So that's going to be fun. And yeah, and thank you. Everyone came to ACME. Wilber Theater was sold out. That was insane.

So you make me feel like a little sweet, sweet boy. I feel like George Bailey. I appreciate it. You make me feel like dancing. And yeah, also I got Rochester coming up in a few weeks. Or not a few weeks, in a few days, I think. Oh, boy. And Cleveland Hilarities.

Ooh, another banger. May, whatever. Sorry, I'm doing too many plugs here. But May fucking 15th through the 17th? There it is. I can't remember. One of the two. And then Atlanta, May 29th through the 31st.

I'm down there to watch the Red Sox play. They're in the parade, so I'm going down. I'm like, the Red Sox are in town. I'll go be in town also. Maybe you can pick up a hot set if you're feeling fancy. Well, I'm saying I'm doing the punch line. Oh, I see. Just for this.

Yeah, I'm doing the whole weekend so I can go see the Sox. Oh, hell yeah. Boy, that's a run. You're living, Fetty. I'm living a good life. You really are. We all are.

We're very lucky. I'm also in Rochester, Ithaca, Port Chester, Boulder, Colorado, San Diego, Dallas, Australia. Well, that taking time off did not work out. Well, I did my two and a half months. Now I'm back in it, baby. You did gigs all through those months. Well, I stayed in town. But yeah, so going DC, I'm doing, I love DC.

Chocolate Cite! Oh yeah, and yeah, so I'm coming to your apartment and I'm coming in your wife. UK, Australia. Yes, yes, UK, Australia, all that, Belfast, Glasgow. We're gonna really do it up. MarkNormanComedy.com for tickets. Get some bodega cat and yeah, check out the Patreon folks. We

got the splinter. We got the other stuff. All the backlog by the way. It's totally worth it. I got a message today, best Patreon in the country. I get that all the time. I mean, I told you Minneapolis people were blowing me about the Patreon. There it is. Good way to get blown. What do you got there? Choo-choo. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We are doing a live show on Sunday, June 1st at the Comedy Connection East Providence, Rhode Island. It's going to be a Narragansett Beer collaboration show. It's meat beer

or something like that. Hot dog beer. And we're going to do, yeah, they will. They hit us up because in their last live show we did this big prank on our buddy Brad where we launched a hot dog cart in his name and we wrote letters across the country to different places, threatening them, challenging them, doing different things and making them look real bad. And Narragansett Beer loved it, so they want to make their own Brad branded hot dog selser. And so we're going to be selling that kind of stuff at the show. We're going to be selling a Narragansett beer, Fun Bearable, brand new shirt

collaboration. And yeah, it's going to be a big summer themed live podcast and sketch kind of thing. Love it. Sunday, June 1st, Comedy Connection, East Providence, Rhode Island. Go to funbearablepod.com for tickets. Oh, I'm also in Hattiesburg and a couple other places. So yeah.

Come on by. Say hello. Queef it up. Praise Allah. And thanks for all the love. I'm gay. Comedy. Check out our show. You know what to be themselves.

Up in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die.