Tuesdays with Stories! - #603 Squirt and Ernie

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

We’re talking LADIES… ladies and gentlemen. Mark heads to Asheville, Bristol, and does Ari Shaffir’s Renamed Storyteller Show. Joe sells out the Wilbur again, and gets into a dust up at the crosswalk! It’s Tuesdays!!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 15% off Raycon’s entire site. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - Get your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Get ready to have better sex & use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Les! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody! No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I won't say goodbye. You say goodbye and I say cello. Hello, hello. Oh, cello. Did you know that, this is the part, we'll do the big thing in a second. Did you know that a quick one while he's away, the who saw featured in Rushmore. Yeah. There's a part where they go cello, cello, cello, cello, cello, cello. It was supposed to be a cello solo, but they just couldn't afford it. They just had a bunch of people going cello, cello, cello. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. I like that. We should have done that in my old apartment studio, studio we couldn't

afford one oh I see yeah it's not a perfect connection is the camera closer than normal what's going on here I feel like you're right up in me no I need to move back I just felt like something's wacky going anyways we're here are we on this is it I got the studio studio studio over there! Let them see that! That was a real stinkfest! Bama Rua! Here's Liz, that's not good. I got some Liz stories for you. Look at this, I'm wearing Iowa shirt, Iowa state shorts. Hey, you're a Buckeye! No, that's Ohio! Damn it! You're a Caitlin Clark! Caitlin Clark is Iowa. And then Iowa State is, you know,

Dan Gable. Ah, yes. He was a wrestling guy. Uh-huh. Kane and Gable. That's not bad. Okay, I'm back. Well, here we go. Studio, studio, studio. We're live. Hey. Chuck, you're making me nervous. I can't be standing up. What's going on over there? I got five recordings going and I'm testing them all. Five? Jesus Christ. Two at once. I don't know, that's a whole other thing. We're all about it. We gotta keep it moving.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucked up. Sit down. You're fucked up. We're gonna make Rupert give you a mustache ride if you ever fuck up again. Oh, that'll suffocate you. That's a lot of content. Well, we're back.

We're here. We got five recordings just in case fucking Chuck body slams the camera. We'll be here. A lot going on. I mean, it's a perfect day outside. 76. Where'd that come from? It just came out of, I don't know,

this city is, what do you call it, bipolar. Oh yeah, bipolar. Bipolar Express. It's fucking awesome out there. It's gorgeous. And now, this is the thing, I moved to Battery Park City in October. So it was beautiful, but changing and then the fun and the winter. It's a long, cold, lonely winter. Oh, yeah. And it's windy as fuck.

And it's brutal. I told you, somebody went down there was like, I would never live here. This is crazy. But now it's come around. And I'm like, oh, this is the best. This is bringing. Yes. Because you start to wonder why the fuck do I live in this toilet? The crime and all the trees are dead. All the sky is gray.

The wind, Jerry. I fucking hate wind. You would hate it over there because it's you could sail a boat on the sidewalk over there. Yuck. I hate wind, earth, wind and fire, but man, that tree blooming! You see, did you notice I planted a bunch of flowers out there? Oh, I didn't see. Ah, I'm a little hurt. Did the bananas work?

I'm gonna throw bananas out there. I threw the bananas in the dirt because I heard they're good for the soil, but they just curled up on top and yeah, I think some rats ate it. So the flowers are out there? Well, they're all... I got a windowsill planters. Uh-huh. Oh, well, because I came underneath, made planters. Oh, I see. I came straight down. I should have gone up.

All right, well, take a look at when you go outside and I put some around the tree area. I'll give it a sniff. I spent eight million dollars on plants. Plants aren't cheap. Flowers and whatnot. Well, it's Trump's America. Ah. And these plants ah coming from China flower buck joy went way up what is buck joy that's like lettuce it's like a greeny

leafy joy yeah yeah right so soy boy that's a that's an insult right that's a cuck libtard queef okay because people kept calling me that and I was like, hey, all right, soy boy. I should be an Asian. He's a soy boy. Soy boy! Yeah, soy sauce. And that means I am in Spanish.

Yo soy. Yo soy. Yo soy. Soy. That's what an Asian and a black guy meet. Remember that soy bomb at the Bob Dylan at the Grammys? Soy bomb. Bob Dylan was playing back in like 99, I think, and a guy came running out with soy bomb at the Bob Dylan at the Grammys? Soy bomb. Bob Dylan was playing back in like 99, I think.

And a guy came running out with soy bomb on his shirt. And he did like a wacky thing. He was like a protestant. Oh, I thought that was when you had a bad set. Oh, soy bomb all the time. By the way, you were at the stand last night. You ran out. What?

What did you think of that crowd? That was tough sledding. You know what it was? Tell me. Hannah Berner was on the show. So it fills up with all these twats and clams. That's it. How did I not know?

Well, all the girls are dressed to the nines, and all their gay, whipped boyfriends are in sweaters and button-downs going, we like her too. You're like, you don't like her, you cum-guzzling soy boy. You're right. That's it. That's it. So I was bombing.

And halfway through, I'm like, I know you're here for Hannah. They went, woo. And I went, I'm just going to do her do her act and I just was like what's up with periods boys are stupid dildo and they were like oh yeah I heard you did something weird because somebody was like you see Norman set and I was like no and they were like yeah hopefully wasn't her no no they made it seem like you lost your something you went you went cuckoo up there oh well no I had a good time with them but and I like and I like murder. She's a nice egg. Great egg. Great egg. Sweet

lady. And you know, it's not her fault. The fan base is a bunch of, you know, uh, vapid guns. Yeah. It's funny cause I've had that before where you're like, what does, cause usually the stand we're hot guys over there. We got a pop and everyone goes nuts, but I noticed no pop. No nuts. No, no laughs No, and I thought so going on over here. Yeah, but Berner was there and she's pleasant to be around but you're right I think that crowd was rough around the edges and then the second show which you weren't on eight people And they were sat like this two four six eight, but I have to tell you they were sat like this, two, four, six, eight, but I have to tell you, they were quite fun. Okay, small but mighty, like my dick.

Yeah. That's nice. Sometimes, you know, we go, oh, eight people, shit. I did a show with like 300 people that sucked ass. I'd rather a hot eight than a shitty three, hundo. An eight is hot. So what is ugly? John and eight plus Kate.

What, when you're rating women one through 10, what number is like pretty ugly? Pretty ugly? Which is a weird term for a foreigner. Pretty ugly. Imagine being a foreigner, you're like, whoa, wait, hold on, what? It's kind of like dress shirt. I have to say dress shirt to a, they're like, which one is it? Dress or shirt?

You see, this is how you got to the top. This is good stuff right here. It's like military intelligence. That was an old car line. Oh yeah, oxymoron. But that's what you were talking, oxymoron, a dress shirt. I guess so, yeah. But I feel, because I took another language as a child, so I think I have an eye into

the foreign land. No, that's not that. We all took another language as a child. Did you? Of course. That's regular high school. I was a French immersion. Well if you emerged, I didn't do any immersion. I just sat in the back and said yo soy bomb. And they said you take that ice. Yeah, or uh Yeah, border patrol, but yeah French. Did you speak any French? I lost it. It goes away like Chlamydia, but I had it pretty good in the youth. I was I was fluent

I could do math in French biology in French. I did all that Wow. And it just slips away if you don't use it. It's like muscle. Anything you know, you lose it, you, wait, what is it? Use it or you lose it. If you don't use it, you lose it? Yeah. What was that thing that people said as a parent, though? Right.

Oh, move it or lose it. Move it or lose it, yeah. Move it or lose it, buster. Yeah, that was something. Remember split your lip? What was that? No. I'll split your lip. Oh yeah I'll tuck your teeth in. Knuckle sandwich. Knuckle sandwich was huge yeah. That was clever. Whoever came up with that. See some of these they go away well you don't go away but you get so used to them that the guy who came up with knuckle

sandwich gets no credit. It's a great point. Crystal clear. Somebody had to say that. Is that clear? Crystal and noogie. Noogie. Somebody's like, I'm going to fucking take my knuckles, rub them on your head and I'm going to call it a noogie. And that noogie is just some N word walking around. He's got no, it does sound like a slur. A couple of noogies over here. Noogies. He's just stuck my truck. You believe that? Wait, so wait. So what's ugly? One through 10. Oh, OK. OK. One is like Chuck and Rupert fucked and had a kid. I'm eating here.

What's what? I got two is this guy is five. Well, what do you mean by pretty ugly or you think fuckable? Give me I need some parameters here. You know, she does. We should come up with a woman for each number. Oh, I love it. I love it feels like more of a patreon But definitely so a tan is obviously Sarah a five is you know, Michelle Pfeiffer. I don't know who's fine No, she's more than a five. I know I was doing a guy. All right Well, that was nice to throw the wife at a ten. Well, I was trying to be funny. Oh, I didn't know if I should laugh.

What's Roseanne? Primetime 1989 Roseanne. I think she looks better now, by the way. Roseanne looks better now. She's thinner and a little patina. She's got like an old catcher's mitt thing going on. When she was in the 90s, she was a Rupert. So give me 1990 Roseanne, is that a one? Is that a four? I'll go two. Can you pull up a 1990 Roseanne and show us a photo? Because I feel like a seer. You can't give out ones too much

and you can't give out tens too much because it's going to always be someone hotter or uglier. You can go like garbage lady with a torn face and a scar and a vagina with a rat in it. So this is interesting. So what? Oh, Rupert, is that you? Let me see. You got to post this photo up there. Get a shot of that. I mean, that's a particularly nasty photo.

Yeah, that's tough. That's got to be probably a six, maybe? No, six hundred pound life. You can walk up that neck. It's like the six maybe? No. That's a bit. 600 pound life. You can walk up that neck. It's like the stairway to hell, that thing. Look at that. Holy Moses.

But there's something there though, with the makeup and the thing. I'm gonna say a four, three, three. I'll go three, I'll go three. Three. Tell Tom Arnold. Let me do a little Roseanne hot and see what comes up. Okay. Oh, okay.

Well, have you seen the Roseanne and Madonna side by side? No. Roseanne is now hotter than Madonna. Madonna got so much surgery. Yeah. That she looks like Chuck. But Madonna is my all time sexiest woman. She's a sexy lady. And then the late eighties, early nineties, which you've seen that hitchhiking photo. Have I seen it? Yeah. That's the sex book. It's the hottest thing ever. The leather, the fucking like a, like a, like a virgin stage with the wedding thing. Touched for the very first time. She had the mole. She had the, she had the eyes. She had that woppy face. She really had it all. Whoa. Let me see. Wait a minute. You got to plug all these in later. Wow. This is pretty hot. I mean, you know, is that, is that John Goodman? That's pretty good. I mean, I mean,

for her. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to say she's a five there. Yeah. I'll give her a fiber. I don't know. That's pretty hot. Plug it in right here. Look at this. Here's Roseanne in fucking pantyhose and my father's t-shirt. Yeah. Nice, nice pair of cans. Sure. Big old Jew bomb bombs there. But yeah, you forget she's a heap. I do forget. I didn't even know. Well, she did that, that promo or art piece or photo shoot where she had a bunch of gingerbread Jews and she was putting them in the oven dressed as Hitler. Oh, that's and she got a ton of shit. She's like, I'm a, I'm a Jew. I'm a Jew. Yeah. But even if you're a Jew, you're still like,

ah, yeah. Burn the shoes in the oven. I know I can still see being triggered by it. Well, people like to do that. Like with the swastikas on the test. So they're like, but I hate Elon. You're like, I know you're still drawing a swastika on property. Yeah. It's just psycho. Yeah. They're now driving around with the swastika. Someone's going to be like, Hey, all right. Yeah. That's me. I did that. But yeah, that's a tough one. Now, now a Nazi can just do the swastika and be like, I'm a victim, but he has the simply likes. It's a good point. No, I hate Elon. Right. Yeah, you got that excuse now.

That's pretty good. There you go. But it's a wacky time. Anyway, so like if you're fucking a four, Yeah. I don't know. I'm just trying to think. Because 10 is so hot.

You need a lot of, I guess my point is, you need average women to have a lot of distance from a 10. Totally. But average women are very attractive. I agree. I'd almost rather bang a seven than a 10. Totally. But average women are very attractive. I agree. I'd almost rather bang a 7 than a 10. How come? Well, the 7.

Did it last longer? Yeah, it'd last longer. I won't be freaking out the whole time. With a 10, it's almost like holding an artifact, where you're like, go! I'm going to drop it. I'm going to hit her or something. With the 7, you're a little more comfortable, and you can really get in there. One of my biggest regrets. I'm gonna drop it. I'm gonna hit her or something with the with the seven

You got only a little more comfortable you can really get in there one of my biggest regrets Oh, that is a ten out there right now. It's a ten year old. Those are Eighth graders Wow. Oh her no, never mind. I once made out with Like a ten and her and I don't want to say her name cuz maybe she's still out there This is my biggest regret of my life because I was poor at the time. It was in Atlanta at the punch line featuring for DePaulo. Wow. I don't know what this woman saw in me,

but she wasn't even, I don't mean like, like people like porn hot. She was like a girl next door, blonde, with big, like unbelievably hot. Wow. And we made out, we stayed up, and I probably could have had sex that night, but I didn't know how to make moves. And then we got each other's number.

She sent me nudes and was so outrageously hot. I know. She was so hot that I could have made it happen, but I was poor at the time. She's like, you got to come to Atlanta sometime. And I had no money, Jerry. And I should have borrowed money. I just kept being like, all right, I kept putting it off. I don't know why.

We have to find this woman. Do you still have the nudes? I know her name. What? Because I think I know her old, she's probably married. This was like, oh seven. Oh man. So she might be a fat pig now.

That's true, that's true. Maybe you bleep it, maybe you look for her. And bleep it in the thing. So I'll say her name, you bleep it. That's true. That's true. Maybe you bleep it. Maybe you look for her and bleep it in the thing. So I'll say her name, you bleep it. Oh my God. This is exciting. I got to see this made up lady who lives in Canada. Oh wow. That's a real lady. She was hot as fuck. And then she ended up giving the Kaibot because years later I was drunk and I had her number still and I kept being like hey you want to send me some more of those nudes and she was like please delete my number. She's like I'm in a serious

relationship now. Which I never understood you're like well I just don't tell them what it but I was probably like three in the morning they're laying next to each other and it's like hmm. She Is that her? No, no. That's a younger. She's got to be older. She was blonde with spectacular cans. Wow. This is, I've never heard this story. I know, I know, because it's like, I don't even bring it up to people. Nobody wants to hear.

It's like an old fishing story. It's a white whale. It's just what I call Rupert. And he's like, too. Poor Rup. Oh, we love you, Rup we love you, Rupi. You know. Yeah, big fan, Rupi. But big shirt, Rupi. Anyways, I could have, she was so hot.

Whoa! Oh! That could be her. Wow, are you getting all feelings? Are they all rushing back? I don't know. I mean, it's hard to say because this is 20 years on now. Also, it's kind of a common name.

I know. That's the problem. And I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I bet her name is not that common. I don't know. I mean it's pretty say cuz this is 20 years on now

Also, it's a kind of a common name I know that's the problem and I bet her name is not that name anymore I got the husband's last name cuz I mean that was oh seven She was like you gotta get rid of my number. Yeah, causing problems for me, and I was like oh my god I'm sorry. I have no idea. I mean I didn't even know wait So she could have gone to med school by now Oh my God, I'm sorry. I have no idea. I mean, I didn't even know. Wait, maybe still. I wanna see if I have her number still. This is 18 years ago. So she could have gone to med school by now. Or moved to fucking Israel.

Who knows? Good Lord, Salchie's never stops calling me. He's bored at home with his, he has no job. Yeah, I don't have her number anymore. Anyways, we gotta keep it moving. I mean, I gotta see these nudes though, at some point. I don't know how you find them. Cause they were on an old phone

No, this is pre cloud pre cloud. This was like flip phone shit It was the one that you could hold horizontal or vertical. You know that yes Yes, oh, yeah, I still have the phone somewhere cuz on the same one I had a girlfriend like blowing me on there. Patreon we go to your house. We get the phone We find the cord we plug that thing and we wait. That's not a bad idea. It's not bad.

I'll come over tomorrow. I think a good Patreon is us putting together a chart of women 1 through 10. Oh, for sure. Let's do that on Patreon. Get on the Patreon. Let's do it. I love it. We could do that all day.

But it's going to be different though. Obviously different strokes for different anal. Yeah, good point. All right, so where you been? What the hell's going on? We're 25 minutes into this I haven't seen my mother since the 80s. I still think about Roseanne That was hot. I could come to that. Oh, well, that's the thing We talked about four we sound like we're being such assholes, but we've made love to the whole rainbow That's what I mean. I mean, I think that my whole point is a four is pretty attractive relatively.

Yeah, I mean, it's just below average, which is not that bad. Yeah, you know, we're probably fours. I don't know if you're a four. I mean, tall goes a long way. Tall's big. Lanky doesn't go anywhere though. I think lanky tall is no good. That's big! That's too tall! Too long! Boy, that's taut! Nice and flexible, huh? Man, I couldn't do that if you gave me a weak training. Oh, I got weak training. Go about 11 pushups and go home. Hit the steam room.

Yeah, so, boy, I gotta tell ya, this is a hell of a country. I went to, did I talk about Asheville, North Carolina? I can't remember, but I just got an offer for Asheville in January. Orange Peel? I don't know, let me see. Wrap you up like an orange peel, John Hyatt. Went down to Asheville. Orange Peel, yeah.

Oh, that's a great, that's a classic rock club. It's a legendary room. All right. I'm doing one show there. They had a big flood there, I don't know if you guys saw that, it was very politicized, but they had a big flood and the orange peel just lived. Everything else around it went to hell, but the orange peel just kept strong. No kidding, vitamin C.

Phil Hanley was there, I walked by and I saw him on the marquee Norman. We love you Philip, check out that book. Oh yeah, Love on the Spectre, what's it called? I can't remember. I bought it, I have it, check out that book. Oh yeah, Love on the Spectre, what's it called? I can't remember. I bought it, I have it, next to my bed. Vision, Lenscrafters, it's something with Grateful Dead. Distorted eyesight, dyslexia.

Dyslexic, Diary of a Dyslexic Homo. No, no, that's it, that's the Diary of Anne Frank. Hold on. I can't remember, but I have it, it's purple and blue. Spellbound! Spellbound! Thank you! but I have it. It's purple and blue. Spellbound. Spellbound. Thank you. You got it. Thank you. Purple and blue. Did he send it to you? No. I'm waiting. I purchased mine. Oh yeah, I guess I got a purchase. He said he would send. Yeah, he told everyone he was going to send but he didn't tell me. By the way, he told everyone I

know that he's going to send it. He doesn't send it to me but I purchased it and you know, I deserve a big smack on the asshole. What a friend. All right, so went down to Asheville. Not a bad flight, easy peasy. It's one of these things where you land in the airport. The airport is the size of Chuck's dick. You can walk the whole thing in six seconds.

You go right to... That's a big dick. What's that, six seconds? Walking across in six seconds. Oh, I guess you're right. It's like hot coals. Yeah, don't want to touch too much. Oh, feet.

Yeah, the airport was veiny and brown, but no, we got there, and it's one of those things where you go, holy shit, I'm here, you walk to the end of the gate, and then you gotta go get a rental car, and that takes four minutes. You're out of the airport in like nine minutes. I'm already looking forward to this gig in January. I'll be there January something, and I can't wait. If I gig in January. I'll be there January something. I can't wait.

If I quit car rental, I'll go there on vacation. Get yourself a car and you fly in and it looks like Hawaii. It's all mountains and lush and these North Carolina mountains, they're slept on, Jerry. I wanna move to Raleigh, North Carolina. I would move there. I would spend the money to buy a million dollar house,

would cost eight million here in New York. You got plenty of sports, warm weather, nice people, hot women. You got that right, Fatty. So yeah, you land there, the weather's good, the people are nice, and I just walked the town. It's one of those cute, crunchy little towns, you know? They got the art shop and the mom-and-pop this and the cobbler, and all they do is drink, smoke weed, and play music. Laugh Your Ash Off Festival, something like that. I think I did that years ago. Yeah.

It was a festival. I think I went there once. Hell of a town. Great town. And we did the auditorium. And we just had a Youngblood down there. We just had a hoot and a holler. And we hit the town after.

You meet all the locals. We hit all the bars. I mean, great time. Then you run out of there. Next day you wake up, go to Bristol, Tennessee, and that drive is something special. That is a lunch drive. I mean, it's just lush, scenic, foresty, pretty.

And you don't see a stitch of graffiti, trash. And then you come back to this neighborhood and you don't see a stitch of graffiti trash, and then you come back to this neighborhood and you get fucked right in the ass. Well, this neighborhood's a little spicy meatball. I feel like you walk out my door, you take a right, it's a little bougie. You take a left and it's like a rap video in 1998. Yeah, it's a road game, as we say. Yes, yes, for sure.

It's a little bit of an away game over there, but still nice. Very nice. Still a nice stadium. You're in the big leagues. All right, all right. You're just in hostile territory. Yeah, I'm just in the Globetrotters locker room,

but the problem is the neighbors hate me because I'm the white trash guy. My front lawn doesn't look good, my sidewalk's cracked, my wife's gay, and then I come out in slides and sweatpants to bring the garbage cans in and they're all in suits and shit. But then I had a pumpkin out there for Halloween that got stolen. So I'm like, which one is it? Is it bougie or is it ghetto?

Right. Well, pumpkins are always going to get stolen. It doesn't matter where you live. Oh yeah, I take pumpkins still. I'm 42. I'll be by myself. I'll drive by a pumpkin. It doesn't matter where you live. Oh yeah, I take pumpkins still, I'm 42. I'll be by myself, I'll drive by a pumpkin, I take it, I smash it, really gorgon, I go, all right, James Eha.

Yeah, we're Spice Girl too, pumpkin spice. I never saw the, I don't know what the Spice Girls are. I just know that scubba-dubba-doo, bubba? They were scary, sporty, queefy, dopey, jizzy. But do you remember what they looked like? Yeah, I jerked off to all of them. You want to do a one out of ten hotness, we could do the whole gamut with them. There's some trolls and some cuties. Oh, I thought you guys were going to be with me on that because I haven't seen a Spice

Girl in 20 years. Wow. And even then, it appalled me. I hated it. Oh no, it's horrible music and they're talentless, but at the time it just hit a nerve because there were a couple of hot bags. See, I didn't realize they were hot. You know what I was into was the itchy itchy ya ya cuda. That video. Christina Aguilera. And there was a black one, Missy Elliott or one

of them. Missy Elliott is a two. Not Missy Elliott. Who was that video? You know what I'm talking about? Real lady mama love. Oh! Dun-dun, bum-bow. Her name is Maya.

Maya, yes. Maya. Cooked chicken cup. It was Christina Aguilera, Maya, and another lady. There's two more. It was Little Kim in pink. It was fucking hot. That video was hot shit.

I would just jerk off all morning to it. A lot of stockings and people. Yeah, I remember that. It was like Chicago. I would just jerk off all morning to it a lot of stockings. Yeah Yeah, I remember that Chicago That's what I was into this is like the south side, but yeah, get you get you lady. What is a marmalade? I kind of like that song actually I might put that on the way home Repeat what do you call that, a cover. Yeah, it was some kind of thing. I was covering my cock with a pillow because it was rock hard.

My dad was from the room. Covered and cum. But yeah, Lady Marmalade, well, music videos back in our generation were really the only outlet we had to spew semen on a TV screen. Well, I've said it many times, the Billy Idol rock the cradle. That was the first thing I jerked off to and still has shaped my sexuality. They're like breaking a guy's glasses, the woman crawling like a dog across the road. I mean, Chuck's eyebrow just shot up over his hairline.

Pull that lady up if you don't mind. Rock the cradle, Billy Idol. I mean, and it's like a guy with a fucking tie and she's spinning the tire. And still to this day I want to shoe up my ass and a woman to strangle with my own tie. I don't own a tie, but you know what I mean. Sure, tie one on. I love it. Tie one? HULK GYLE!

Yeah, so why is that a name for a tie shop? Tie Land. It's right there. Come on! That's right there. Come on. That's right there. This is how you got to the tippity top. There it is. Thailand.

I'm gonna do that at the seller night. Thailand, that's a Thai shop. They're gonna go. Well, it's up there with my sketch. You remember my sketch? Scarface. Scarf-ace. Oh.

And he sells scarfs and he's like, say hello to a blue linen scarf. Hey, that's gold scarf ace I've had this idea for 20 years. I got an idea for a sketch too that no one like hold on. Let's see this broad Oh, it's rock. Oh, that's you And then there's Sarah walking any kind of walk with the foot The foot the catwalk they call that Billy Idle fucking rules to I him a couple years ago, it ruled. It was killer. Oh my God. Look at her swing her legs up. Open their legs.

And the chick in the back with the blonde hair and the leather jacket's hot too. You could have to post this right here if you don't mind. Oh yeah, oh that's Billy. See like the stiletto-y sling back heel, the nerd with the glass. I mean this video is unbelievable. She throws her shoe in the fish tank.

I'm still into that. Yeah, yeah. Look at this. Oh my word. I mean this changed my life. He's on the computer tank, I'm still into that. Yeah, yeah. Look at this! Oh my word. I mean, this changed my life. He's on the computer. I mean, look at the dance. Oh wow, hot tamale.

He's not really secretive there, the whole thing's open. She knows, she knows, she's loving it. Are we gonna get docked pay if we have this whole thing up? I don't know. What about the boner? Well, take it away for every once in a while. Well, just don't play the music.

We don't need to hear the tunes. No, we don't want the music. But the visual, I think they might have the whatever to also. There was another music video with a guy. He's a hot guy. Chris. Isaac. Yes.

Whoa, we're in sync, Jerry. Yeah, Chris Isaac. That was a smoke. And that was more my speed. The bad ol' Lou. Yeah, I hated this song. But the lady, I would just put it on mute and make my own moaning noises.

What else was hot back then? Ah. Bullet with butterfly wings was like my favorite video. There's people in the mud. There was a couple. And then, and today too, Smash Mokers had hot videos, like, or cool videos, but there was always like a chick rolling around in the hay or mud. Yeah.

That was a real job back then. Like I'm going to be the rolling around in the hay or mud. Yeah, yeah that was a real job back then like I'm gonna be the hot lady in the video. Right. That was a big coveted piece of work. Have you seen the new guitars for Smashing Pumpkins? Oh they're still around? I saw them last summer with Green Day. Oh wow. I saw them a few years ago at Barclays and they had to curtain off the top layer. Actually I don't know what I'm talking about. That was I was drinking that was like 15 years ago. Oh, that was right here. Right here. I mean, if I were you,

oh snap, back to reality. Oh, there goes gravity. That's the guitarist? Yama hama. No kidding. Is Darcy in the band still too? I don't know. That would be two chicks.

Oh man, oh my, she watching. She looks like the old guitarist, James Eha. But hotter. Wait, what were we talking about? Barclays? Yeah, that was there. I was just going to say real quick, if I were you and you're not a big sports guy, but I would get Brooklyn Nets tickets, you could just walk over there. I'm going to do it. I'm going to bring the fat man.

It's like 100 yards away. You go to the game and then you leave whatever you want. You're home in five minutes. I mean, you live close to it. I don't want to give too much away here. Yeah, very close to a sports venue I know I got free WNBA tickets, so I haven't been yet, but I will eventually go to something I mean a cat Williams is playing here. I want to see that so I'll just pop over I might go to take Sarah to see Nine Inch Nails here. It's not like September or something like that. More human than human I want to fuck you like an animal It's not until like September or something like that. More human than human. I want to fuck you like an animal.

He's like a multi-Oscar winner now. Isn't that weird? What? What issue? Yeah, for me, he does all the music. Ah. He did like the Facebook movie and some other thing. Oh, wow.

Him and Atticus Ross or whatever. I heard he was a tough guy to get along with. Oh, is that right? Yeah, and he also lived in New Orleans for a while. Well, he's sober now. I think he was a big addict maniac. Yeah. Now he's probably cool. But maybe not. I don't know. You know that band The National? Of course. I saw them at the Forest Hills and the guy apparently is a real cunt and he yelled at a dude in the front row who was like having too much fun. He's like, relax man! The guy's like, I'm dancing. He's like, you make me sick, you soy boy. And he was like, okay. And they threw the guy out.

I had that with Ryan Adams one time. I think also went through some problems, but yeah, he was upset with the crowd and then yelled at people taking a photo. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, what can you do? All right. So Asheville, then you went on to Bristol, you know, these Tennessee, these little towns, they call it the home of rock and roll, no, country music started there they say. Oh, in Bristol? It's one of these things, it's like the Wright brothers, the eight cities claim them. So they say we're the home of country music, we got this, we got that, we invented the

button and the sleeve and all this stuff. And then I did this theater, it was a hot little number sold out and Corbin, my opener, funny guy, he goes, there's a don't tell down the road. Don't tells are everywhere. I can't do a show. I can't bump into a Tom, Dick, or Harry who doesn't go, hey, I got a don't tell in my father's asshole Tuesday night at 8 p.m. The Iron Dome, Gaza Strip, there's a Don't Tell at Ukraine, right?

I mean, everywhere is a Don't Tell. What's the other one? Bosnia? Oh yeah. Remember Bosnia? That was a big deal. That was big, yeah. Sri Lanka.

Darfur, that's what I'm thinking. Darfur. I used to always call it Barfour, Darfur. It never worked once. It was good to be here in Darfur. Yeah, I thought it was good. That's funny, because that place was dark. I mean, some demons came out in Barfour. Oh, it never worked once. It was good to be here in Darfur. Yeah, I thought it was good. That's funny, because that place was dark. I mean, there was some demons came out in Barrefour.

Oh, it was tough. Yeah, looking at you, Barghatsi. So we do the Don't Tell. It's in a CrossFit gym. It was so pretty. So it looked better than any special I've seen in the last 10 years. And you're like, they give you free booze.

They give you the coolers everywhere we played on the equipment I'm reclimbing the rock wall and going down on the hot instructor guy I mean it was great and like the car the crowd was hot as shit all the comics killed it was a it was a hoot to holler then I have a couple of pops and do that drive back at night which is always a mistake but we pulled it out and then we flew home and God, I love the road. I love seeing the country. You never go to Bristol. The road is fun. I've never even heard of Bristol, frankly. And I'm excited. I mean, I'm in Rochester in New York. This is how like tough it is to have a kid in the thing.

I'm in Rochester and I'm like, well, that'll be nice. I'll sleep, I'll go to a movie, jerk off and my friend's back. It's just, because you have that thing. It's not even the baby, it's just that, we've talked about it before, home you feel like I should be doing something, I should be running the email, I should be doing this or that. But on the road, and again, you only have like eight channels.

You're like, ah, all right, shit, fucking, you know, Blades of Steel 3 is on or whatever it is. I'll watch that at home. I'm like, I have 75,000 movies, literally, right. And 25 books staring at me that I'd never opened. So you and a wife that wants to chat. So the road is nice because you just lay there like a pile of shit. I love the road. You like you wake up at 11 and then you're like, I'll go eat. Now you're eating at lunch and then you can, you can burn a day so easy on the road. You're right a little,

you take a shower, you jerk it four times, you have a meal and that's your day. Well, the other thing that's great is you're completely and fully in control of the whole day. At home, you're like, how I got a workout class. Can you watch the baby? Yes, I'll take the baby. And then the baby shits on your face. Yes. And then, you know, he spits on your asshole. Right, so then you do that and then you leave the house and you bump up, there's my neighbor, hey!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why didn't I see you at the spaghetti hut? Well, I didn't feel like eating spaghetti that day. Then you leave and you go, oh, I got four podcasts I gotta do. But the road, you're like, I got an open schedule. Wide open spaces. And because you're working at night, you also feel free to do stuff because you're like, oh an open schedule wide open spaces and because you're

working at night you also feel free to do stuff because you're like I should be doing this but you're like why I'm doing two hour long shows and meet and greets tonight oh yeah so it's a wonderful place to be it's a wonderful place and you see the country yeah you just your heart rate slows down your blood pressure goes down on the road because just like ah I got ah, I got a moment. And the shows are fun. The shows are great, but you know, with the baby, like, especially with yours, because he's on foot. He's running around like a monkey.

So you got to have him on a swivel and like with mine, he can't move. So I can like run up and be like, I'm going to go brush my teeth. Yeah. And he'll be there. He'll cry, but he'll be there. Right. I don't know how you're doing it. Yeah, he's, he's on you.

And yeah, mostly I vacuum and brush my teeth while holding it, which is wonderful in itself, but it's a lot of like, just stand on there for one second. Yeah, you wanna like do like a glue trap, like a mouse. Where you just go walk over there and he's like, yeah, that would be fun. If he stepped in my old underwear, it might happen. That's true, well, they're a little crunchy at this point.

You gotta get it quick right when it's wet. But yeah, so then I got to talk about Ari's show. Oh, let's talk about that. Well, I talked to Ari. He goes, you can say whatever you want on the show, just don't say who's on it. Oh, which kind of takes all the fun out of it because I did that. That's a little weird, but they're gonna see eventually. Well, I asked him, when's this coming out? He's like, probably like a year and a half. And I'm like, you're killing me here. But this doesn't make sense though, because I'm like, there was 130 people watch the show. They signed NDAs? Oh yeah, good point. They'll reddit it up all day. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. They're all tweeting. I mean, I got 48 tweets being like,

we love the show. We like the other, this guy and this guy. Oh yeah. So what the hell is he talking about? I'm like, won't you promote who's on when the show comes out? I think that's who he wants the big pop of like,'t you promote who's on when the show comes out? I think that's he wants the big pop of like look at this guy's on. Oh okay. I don't know. If he asked he asked. He didn't tell me about it. He didn't. I can talk about it. Alright you talk. But whatever but by the way I got great info and bad info from you because you were like the hang is unbelievable. Fucking Ari. He's like show up at five o'clock. Five o'clock. It's gonna be the greatest hang unbelievable. Fucking Ari, he's like, show up at five o'clock, five o'clock,

it's going to be the greatest hang ever. We want everyone hanging out. It's going to be fun and respectfully, it was me and a makeup chair, which I love. She's a good hang, but I thought it was going to be hookers and heroin and double-sided dogs, but we were just sitting in the makeup chair like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was in Boston. The green room, the couch, the beers, the food, the hang. Well, I don't want to give anyone away, but like, he was just doing his own thing. Oh, yeah.

He had a hotel across the street, so he kind of went over there and he was quiet. And then I had... He got food poisoning. Yeah, he had a bail. He didn't end up coming, and then came... Oh, okay. He was there with... Oh, okay.

Yeah, so it was just a regular... You know, here, everyone's nervous and then there also was this other thing you had to do for the intro, so people went over there and then... Yeah, yeah, a little busy. This is the other thing that happened. Evidently, there was a big balcony where everyone was hanging out and smoking. There was weed and cigars and beer. I didn't know that was happening. Yeah, yeah, a little busy. This is the other thing that happened. Evidently, there was a big balcony

where everyone was hanging out and smoking. There was weed and cigars and beer. And then I was like, I'll have a pregame smoke because I got there four and a half hours early because of this fucking big heap. As you do, yeah. And he gave me a cigar and I was like, all right, I'm gonna go smoke and if you need me,

I'll be out there. And I go to walk out there, they're like, it's over there. There's a big couch blocking the door. So I start like, I'm like, oh, well everyone I'll be out there. And I go to walk out there, they're like, it's over there. There's a big couch blocking the door. So I start like, I'm like, oh, well everyone said it's out here. So I start like stepping over the couch and this lady's like, there's no smoking, you guys can't smoke out here. Why do you think the couch is there? And I'm like, literally one foot on the couch.

Like my sneakers on the couch, I got a cigar in my hand, literally. And I'm like, oh no, I wasn't going to smoke. I was just, she's like, we put the couch there for a reason. But you know that feeling when like eight different people have said, we've been hanging out all weekend, just walk through this door. And you walk over there and there's a couch

clearly blocking the way, but nobody mentioned the couch. So I was like, all right, I guess everyone just walks over the couch and we smoke out there. And then I had to go back and tell her when I'm like, yeah, there's no smoking. They're like, we've been smoking all week. I'm like, well talk to this angry little lady Yeah, well, that's that's the problem is they smoked and then she got wind of it and then came in Yeah and now I can't quietly smoke a cigarette before the show because

You had 60 people blowing each other blowing smoke up each other's cocks. Yeah night before so anyways, it was fun but the hang was, I would say, whatever, at best. A four. Yeah, but you had a great hang. I, well, I- You don't have to give anyone away. I was night one, so we had, you know,

we had, you know, we had a bunch of good eggs over there. He was there and... Yeah, he was one of the ones that got us in trouble for smoking. Was there, but yeah, we had a good hang and it was a good group and the beauty of Ari, you know, Ari's got a lot of flaws, he's ugly, he's got some problems, Kobe. But he did a rule, no industry. And that is where the guy really shines. Stuff like that.

Because I had my manager going, just get me in. He's just texting me, it's just me, I'm alone, let me hang out. I'm like, why would we want you here? Like no offense, you crazy Jew, but like, what are you going to do? You're going to come in there and go, hey, how's the weather? Well, it's the kids you see club. Shea. Shea. He's going to jail, but you're like, I don't want to do that I want to talk to this guy and many of these people. I mean I hate to use the term these people They're not good at going. Hi, Dick. Henry sin, Mark manager. I saw the pocket. They just go hey What's that and they start talking to you like, you know them, and the whole time I'm going, who the fuck is this?

Yes, yes. I hate people that don't introduce themselves. They just go, hey, because they know who you are. Oh, yeah. So they're like, oh, you and Mark been doing the thing? I'm like, yeah. And I'm like, can I say the F word in front of this guy? Exactly.

Or should I be like, who? I know. But I heard somebody showed up, and they literally kicked him out. Oh, I didn't see that. Yeah, yeah. He was telling me that somebody, an agent showed up and they were like,

you have to leave. And one of the PAs was like, you have to leave. Damn. He was like, no, no, no, I'm whatever. And then Ari had to literally himself come up and be like, you literally can't be here. Wow. It's like it's in every email, you can't be here.

Wow, I love that. Pretty good. Oh, that's gonna make their mouths water even more because they love being a part of this bullshit and then when they can't, they're gonna find a way to get in. Well, this is happening with Skankfest now. Like the last couple years, Skankfest,

I can walk in, there's four agents and three managers back there. You got that right. And I'm like, this was part of the fun. Yes, we got a Jew quota. That's too many. Yeah, so we had a great time and Salak used his fat ass. He tried to get in and Ari had to go, dude, I got wives who tried to come and I had to turn

them down. So, and he kicked them right down the stairs. No kidding. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Whatever. But I fucking loved it. I did too. It was so fun. The venue is so fucking cool. This thing's gonna be huge. Beautiful venue. Well, the star power alone behind this this engine is gonna really shoot it to the moon. Yeah, we haven't mentioned anybody obviously, but it was it was awesome and yeah I've ripped. It was killer. Oh great. Yeah, the crowd was hot. Did you get a pop? I think a pop. They knew us. It was poppy. Yeah, yeah, they were

excited I think. Pop is a little sloppy. Yeah, yeah, they were excited I think. Poppy's a little sloppy. But yeah, we had a great venue. It's basically a sex club or burlesque club in the Lower East Side. We talk about a hip room baby. Well evidently he was telling me the shows there start at 11 p.m. and go till 3 a.m. and the woman fucking squirts all over. And I want to talk to him and be like, can you do a daytime show? Because I go to bed at around 10.30. I would love to be squirted on reverse bukkake. Yeah squirt nerdy So I mean that's I've never come on. That's as good as it Getting me studio Nernie This thing doesn't pass Rogan and that other podcast. I don't know what flagrant to get the fuck

Coming at you and Matt secret podcast suck it. Yeah People are coming up with squirt nerdy. We took come down down. We'll take you all down. Absolutely Yeah, but yeah great time now. Here's the cool thing about Ari, you know that the heaps they think they they ponder they plot He goes I go what he gonna sell this thing to Netflix He goes why so they can lowball me and bury it and I have to promote all of it? I'm going straight to pay-per-view. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. You got these huge names, you got to buy the whole kit and caboodle

and you know, you skip through us and whatever and you watch them, but you can't go wrong. I mean, if just one of these guys tweets about it, every religious cunt in the land is going to have to watch it. Yeah, it's a good point. Boy, they're going to be shocked when they see the rest of the stories though. Yeah, that's true. What the hell is this? That is true. He did a number on Aria and really, really cooked him. Yes. Master class. Squ, master class. Squirt nerdy. Oh yeah.

So yeah, that was a great time. And they say do something once a day that scares you. I'm not a story guy, so I was scared. And it went great and I felt way better after. When something's scary and you do it, you really feel good about yourself for one second. Yeah, well I was like, we had to do, because they shot Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, but of course Tuesday But of course personal Sunday's Easter, which is hilarious

They did a storytelling show on Easter Sunday because they're all a bunch of like fucking deadbeat it the whole every story is like I fucked a hooker. She died. I took a shit on my doctor's face while he was sleeping. Oh, yeah And it's like Jesus's day or whatever So I was up in Boston because I did the Wilbur Saturday night. Oh, I want to hear about the Wilby. Oh, I got to tell you some more details off state off camera. OK, great. It was hot as hotter than a pistol. It was just fun as hell, which is also funny because two years ago I did the Wilbur. My manager flew in, my agent flew in. They're like, this is big, hometown, sold out, a theater, this is a big gig.

This time nobody even texted to be like, hey, all right. That's a good sign. I guess it is. Well, Chuck, I'm telling a story for God's sakes. You texted, nice text. You're not important, come on. But that was nice. It felt good though, because it's

like we talked about last episode or two episodes ago. You're like, leave me alone. This is a big night. Of course, of course. The bigger the night, the less I want you there. Come to the funny boat in Poughkeepsie. But also, the baby, like I said, turns the volume down on everything in life. Yeah, you got that right. Before that, you're like the Wilbur, it sold out. Now you've got a baby shitting in your head and your hair. Yes, yes. So you're like, all right,

he finally went down. Ooh, all right, let me just go knock out the show. That'll be easy. Right. But so we made a whole weekend of it. We went up Thursday, it was Sarah's birthday. And then Friday, we hung out with family. And then Saturday, the Wilbur. And then of course, the marathon. I talk about this every year now for 15 years running however long this podcast has been going. I go every year. I was there the year of the bombing, I'm a survivor. Yes, yes, soy bomb. So we go to the show, the show is amazing, Cantor's on the show. Whoa. What the fuck is that? That's a nine. Wow. That's

crazy. Wow. Who's she talking to, a man or a woman? Maybe a little. She talking to Mae? Maybe. Chuck, spin around, what'd you, who's this woman talking hopefully she'll notice us oh shit the recording stopped oh boy who's she talking to and why does she look so hot oh must be must be a friend I the Mayflower I mean I don't know hanging out with this woman maybe it's maybe the hottest woman I've ever seen. That was with the sunshine. I can still see her by the way. Wow that was like angelic. Angelica Houston. Angelica Theater. Hey folks, today's story is brought to you by Raycon. Dad already can't hear you. Let him really ignore you and your mom this Father's Day with some Raycon earbuds. Whether he's busy at work, hitting the gym, or taking a call, Raycon's everyday earbuds are the perfect choice with a 32 hour battery life

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We got to get up, put the shoes on, go out, see the guy. It's a lot of work. You got to make eye contact. He smells bad. It's convenient. We gotta get up, put the shoes on, go out, see the guy. It's a lot of work. You gotta make eye contact, he smells bad. It's weird. This is all over the internet. The Zoom box, you name it. You can do it in the comfort of your own home. A little privacy for Christ's sake. Take the first step towards bettering your future. We all are better with take the first step towards bettering your future. We all are better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash Tuesdays to get 10% off your first order. That's betterhelp.help.com slash Tuesdays and go fix your life folks. Um, what the fuck was I even talking about? I'm starstruck. Oh, the bombing, the bombing was 10 years ago.

This was a killing. The Wilbur was killer. We sold it out. It was hot, hot tamales. Nice, sold it out. Canterot, cause he comes every year to the marathon. So he was on the show. Sean Sullivan, who's awesome, and Sarah.

And Canada did the thing. We tagged it. Canada did the thing where he leaves and just doesn't bring up Sarah. Just walks off stage. We're like, what are you doing? Yeah, so he had to go back. That was fun But it's that thing we always talk about this while never film anything in Boston ever again The whole family's there is 27 people there. Can I get a ticket? Can I kiss my mother on the pants?

Do you have is there a show? Do you know what time the show starts? What time do you close? Where do I park who's on before you? When should we really show up? How long does it take? So you're just like, get me out of here. I just want to do the show. Except for my Uncle Dale, who's a Tuesday, by the way. Yeah, Daley. A hell of a firefighter with a massive penis. Chippendale. He gets it. He shows up with a Joe List t-shirt. He comes in early. He's like swilling some beers. We have a bite to eat. He shows up with a Joe List t-shirt. He comes in early. He's like, swilling some beers. We have a bite to eat. He's a first responder.

He understands. He's a fan. He texts me. That was an amazing show. He's that kind of guy. What a mensch. I love people you don't have to worry about. We talk about this with Sarah's sister. Don't you love the friend that you're like, we got 40 people coming over. You come in, you mingle? Yes. That's why I hate my kid. I'm always worried about him. Some friends you're like, listen, you're going to talk to both groups. This guy's coming, he's allergic to medicine. If you mentioned Ellen DeGeneres, he shits his pants. He's very liberal. He wears a mask, he's British, whatever. But then there's the other friends that go, oh yeah, that's Ari, don't worry about it. Sure.

Whatever. Anyways, my point is. Unless you got a drink out and he might spike it. But other than that, all good. But anyways, so I got the whole family coming and my mother hates the city, she's a nervous Nellie, whole thing. I wonder where you got it.

I love the city. I live in the city. I mean, you think I hate the city, she hates the city. I mean, she's in the back of the car like this. Well, it's Boston. It's not a fucking my neighborhood. Well, you got that straight. But you know, there's brown people.

It's honking. She's one of those people that if someone's honking, she's like, ah, get out of the car. I'm like, he's going to shoot us. I'm like, it's just a honk. Who gives a shit? Honky. She's all panicked.

It's crazy. Then you've got to get someone to babysit the baby. So my sister comes in the city. I'm like, I'll just a honk. Who gives a shit? It's a honky. Honky. She's all panicked, it's crazy. Then you gotta get someone to babysit the baby. So my sister comes in to say, I'm like, I'll just get you a hotel, cause I want the baby close, and I'd like him to be part of the marathon. It's a big deal for me, this marathon. Okay.

You gotta come up sometime. It's like our Mardi Gras. Really? Well people are coming from all over the world to be there. So everybody's running. I'm a runner, so I go for a run, and everyone thinks you're running, which is fun. Right. You go for a run. Everyone's like, good luck tomorrow. Oh, that's great. I'm not running, but I need luck. Yeah. I'll take it. Luck

is good. Love luck. Joy Luck Club. You need a lot of luck in life. But anyways, so it's just a fun, the spirit of the weekend is so fun because you're hosting all these people internationally and then it's the time it's hard to explain because they get the Red Sox are always in town usually the Bruins are in the playoffs they're not this year it's just a special time it's very festive and then you go to the finish line there's music blasting and everyone and now with the bomb ironically it makes it even more unique and special and touching and this is the thing about the marathon I'll probably you could probably go through the archives

and see me saying this every year. Boss of Tronk. It's inspiring because the city is filled with like half a million people who are doing something big with themselves. They're running this marathon, they set a goal, and it's not these fucking fat loser assholes that just go like, oh, I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna make a movie or whatever. It's just, these people are doing the thing. You see them and you see cops and firemen and people with blades for legs and you stay long enough. You see like fat people, you see Rupert like crawling across the finish line. You're like, get away, Rupy. Yeah, hand him a cup of syrup. You know, you are worth a something. So, and it's just awesome. Anyway, so. That is true. It's like Comic-Con. It's a it's an event where people got up off their ass. And then when you go you see people finishing crying and then you kind of bring them home. So anyways the show Saturday show was awesome. By the

way, no word from my parents. My mother did not say one word except she told everyone I was too vulgar. I bumped into a friend from high school and he's like, I saw your mother, she's talking about how vulgar you are. And I'm like, oh jeez. And then my nephew is like, yeah, grandma kept saying how vulgar you are. Oh jeez, come on, how about a high five, lady? I'm like, well, what do you want? I'm an adult.

Yes. Come is funny. You're an adult comedian. Well, I'm adult, all right. But anyways, so that was a bummer, but what can you do? So then Sunday we go to the finish line, we hang out Easter, yada yada bullshit. Monday, we get up, we got the whole gang. There's like 15 of us go, we go to the Red Sox game. It's fucking

awesome. Then we go out to Calm Ave Commonwealth Avenue and just watch all the rest. And if I get emotional, because you see them coming in, you go, people wear their name tags, you go, come on, Betty, let's go big Steve. And you get high fives. And anytime someone acknowledges you, you go, and people wear their name tags, you go, come on, Betty, let's go Big Steve, and you get high fives, and anytime someone acknowledges you, you feel good, you feel a connection. Yes, that's huge. Someone will have a Texas shirt,

hey, Texas, and it goes like this, you know. How long is it? Is it a full marathon length? Yeah, 26.2 miles. Wow, you do that? I don't run. Oh, I thought you got in there halfway or something. No.

You just get on the sidelines. Yeah, you're rooting them on. I love a route. Which is a big part of it because Boston is unique as marathons go because if you go do the Burlington-Vermont marathon, most of the route, nobody's watching. True. But Boston, they have this long thing. And then there's a thing called the Scream Tunnel, which is Wellesley College, which

is all women. You know about the Scream Tunnel? Wellesley's like a famous women's college and all the women go and they scream so it's really loud, but they also offer up kisses. I might run just for kiss a woman. What? I love a scream tunnel. There's a women that are like, kiss me, you homo. Wow.

I might run the whole marathon just to kiss a woman that's not my wife. That's amazing. That's what they have in Hamas, scream tunnels. But Jesus, that's insane. Yeah. I love a kiss from Wesley. It was just beautiful. And it's always been on black. Boy, Snipes was big. Oh, that guy had charisma. White man can't jump major league. I mean, that was unbelievable.

Oh, yeah. He was a demolition man. He was a son of a B. Just those two major league and white man can't up two of the great sports movies of all time That's true. Yeah. Yeah, he was funny, but then he tried to be all serious. Well, he did blade He was a vampire hunter, which you can't get less funny than that No, unless you made it funny. That's true Yeah, he used to be really fun. Oh, is he funny? I never watched it either. Oh, I saw a vampire hunter I said, I'm good. I didn watched it either. Oh, I saw a vampire hunter. I said I'm good

I didn't even know he's a vampire until right now. I thought it was just like a matrix II fucking Yeah, I think it's I might have made that up. What do you think? He's uh, yeah, he's a vampire honey I'm a fire half human. Oh Biracial it is matrix II and he kicks it and fights like he has a sword. Yeah, that's right Yeah, what year is blade that late 90s are like mid-2000s. I believe I, that's right. What year is Blade? Is that late 90s or mid 2000s? There was three of them, I believe. I think it was 99. Three Blades, like Gillette.

Oh yeah, Mach 3. The lifts and cuts of Mach Norman. He came back last year as Blade in the Deadpool movie and was a main character. He looks wacky now. He looks like all Ozempik-y. He was jacked. I know, but now he's like sunken in. He looks like Mekhembe Mutombo.

No, he was jacked last summer. Oh, okay, okay. By the way, the handheld razor invented in Boston. Yeah, well you got Gillette. Gillette, yeah. And New Balance. 98. 98, that makes sense.

Okay, but all three. I mean, didn't all three come out. I know, I know, but they kept going. Yeah, there was three for sure. All right. But anyways, it was awesome. You should come up sometime. I would be down.

Do you have a spot? We got a spot because you leave the Red Sox game and then you kind of and this year I was so proud because I'm like the fearless leader of the group and I was like, I think if we go this way and that way, we come swing around and you do that. And it's just it was just it was awesome. And then we got a nice quiet spot actually. And it was really fun. And we're at the mile mark. So people are like in the final stretch of the race. And you that's where you want to be. You feel their joy and relief of like, you're so close.

That's a beautiful thing. It is really beautiful and it's spiritual to me to see people so close to accomplishing their goal. Yes. And I can think it's like, God, it must feel so good to finish that fucking rep, but also awful at the same time. Well, you'll never get me in there, but I do love that they do it. Anything where you're shitting yourself in the middle of it is probably not for me. Right.

You know? Well, then you're not into getting blown by a guy, I guess, because I always... Oh, really? I don't know. It was a stretch. It's getting late. That's true. All right, but yeah, yeah.

So good for them, and God bless. And I'm sure the partying after is bananas, the whole city. You got a game that day too? Yeah, the game is in the morning. Wow, what a city. I mean, I used to go fucking apeshit. I'd drink, we'd start drinking at 8 o'clock in the morning. Sure, sure.

By 3, you're literally like in a blackout. Oh, those were the days. But now it's a more sober affair. Chuck, do we have time for another story? It's 54 minutes. Oh, okay. Can you swing it or should we wait? I got a little something if you want to hear it, unless you got something. Oh, okay. Can you swing it or should we wait? I got a little something if you wanna hear it

unless you got something. Shit did my mouth. Well, I'll just tell you this because people love this. They love my little run-ins with other people. And every once in a while, I keep having it where it's a person of the African American persuasion. I feel terrible.

Oh, like a spat? A spat. I see. Yeah. Well, so this is Batman. It's Robin. Robin. I don't know. I love it. So we're taking a ride. We're pulling into the game. It's Patriots Day.

It's about 10 a.m. The game's at 11. Yeah. And you're in traffic. You know, when you're going to an event, you're in traffic. You just want to get out of that goddamn car. Totally. And it's just gridlocked in Boston is the worst fucking traffic city ever. Sex traffic. So we're making the right onto Boyle stand right. You can see Fenway Park over there and it's the thing where the traffic is slow because

it's gridlocked, but we're finally taking the right across the crosswalk to go this way. And we have the light. The street is a stop. The pedestrian light is a big red hand. And so here comes this woman, probably I'm gonna say mid-50s. Okay. And she's with a man, I don't know, tell if it was her son or husband.

Black don't crack. But he's taking better care of himself, whoever he is. I see. So she does the thing where we have the light, it's green, we're inching, because it's slow, there's a lot of traffic. And she just puts her hand up and steps in front of our car, like this, does this. I don't care for that. And I got the window down, because it's a beautiful day,

and I go, what are you doing? It's our turn. Yeah, right. And she goes, huh? And I go, you got the fuck, it's a red light, look it. I'm pointing at the red hand. Yeah. I go, we got a green light, you have a red light,

what are you doing? And she goes, oh, shut up. Oh, shut up. I don't care for that. And by the way, the guy, I love this guy, because he was like this. He had his hands by his like this. Oh.

Oh, fucking good luck, dude. And I was like, I'm not trying to be an asshole, but I'm like, you have a red light. You can't, this is why. And I go, this is why it's all like this. Yeah, we're living in a society. People try to do what you're doing, and then we kind of started to pull away.

And she goes, fucking big man. You think you're a big man? Which bothered me because I'm like, I don't think I'm a big man. No big. That guy could beat me up. You could probably kick my ass. Yes, she's a two.

But I'm like, I'm not trying to be a big man or a tough guy. I'm going with the rules of society. Literally, you're walking in front of a moving car, giving me a stop sign. Stop doesn't mean I'm right. I'm like, you literally have the red light. We've talked about this before. I don't understand this inclination for someone to go,

no, no, you have a red light, and go, fuck you, motherfucker. I don't get it either. If that happened in reverse, I'd be like this, oh my God, I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry, I'm stupid, I wasn't even looking. Well, this is why your show that Sal Aqueus has a great idea for. Yeah, inconsideration. I wasn't even looking. Well, this is why your show that Salakues has a great idea for

is why it's so important because we don't understand this. This is a mindset that people have. Like, I'm in the wrong, but fuck you. What is that? And I'm like, this is what's causing the traffic, is now we have to stop when it's our turn to go, because you're going to walk, and then everyone has to stop for you, which the city fathers got together engineers set up a system yes the

mother's red home telling wives tales that's true motherfucker I hate the hand I hate there's already a hand an electronic yeah telling you to stop the red hand of the Native American please here here I'm with ya but. But it was funny. Those tickets was funny to hear her go, Oh, shut up. Yeah, that's not bad. They kind of like, Oh, what do you mean? And then, you know, my sister and nephew in the back like,

it's OK. Everyone relax. But I love that the guy wasn't like, fuck you, mother. You don't talk to my wife that way. You could tell he was like, I know it's crazy. He was on the sidewalk still. He was like, you're going to get it. Yeah, he was like, yeah, no, it's crazy. Yeah, she's walking in front of traffic.

It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, and I hate the racial component. You know, this doesn't have to be a race human to human. You're fucking up. I'm following the rules. I'm calling you out. And to be fair, she didn't make it racial. I feel awful.

She wasn't like, hey, white boy. I love that. Racist ass motherfucker. She just called me big man. Sure. Which I also don't like, because I'm like, no, no, I'm not presenting as tough. There's another hot fucking chick out there. Hey, hubba hubba.

Well, like wifey wifey folks. Yeah, good point. I like that. Something. Nurse Courtney, I'll tell you that. Ruberts, chubba chubba. But I hate the, you think you're big man. I'm like, I don't think I'm tough.

I just think I'm trying to- I'm right, I'm not tough, I'm right. Right, I'm like, well beat me up, you'll still be a fucking asshole walking in front of traffic. Exactly, yeah, you didn't get what you want and now I'm the bad guy. Right. But the rules are set, it's like you said, it's all set up for a reason. Yeah, I'm with you, that's why you want the show, because you want to just go,

you want a jury of eight people to go, you're wrong, ma'am. Right. You got to eat it. Yeah. You want them to eat it. Cause we would eat it. That's why it hurts so much. Cause they don't need it. We would. Yeah. And I would just go, Oh shit, you're right. Fuck me. Yeah. Yeah. Like I steal from the airport. If I got caught, I wouldn't go, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm keeping the cliff bar. No, I go Shit that run down terminal B, right? I had that one time years ago I think it was with Tom Dustin actually and the we were drinking beers out of like paper bags at Astoria Park Mmm, and the cut it was like good cop bad cop But the guy was like with the flashlight like hey what the fuck what is going on over here? You fucking it?

I was like, oh drinking beers. like, you think you can drink beer? You think you can just drink a beer out here? I was like, no, no. He's like, what do you mean no? And I was like, no, I don't think you're allowed to. He's like, so you know, you know you're not drinking beer. Why are you drinking beer? And I'm like, well, we wanted to drink a beer.

Yeah, we didn't think we could come. So we did it. So just give me the ticket. I don't, you know what I mean? Yeah, move it along. It sucks, I'm sorry, but yes, no, I do. Yeah, I had the same thing at Broadway Comedy Club. You know, back in the day, you do the show, they don't give you know what I mean? Yeah, move it along. It sucks, I'm sorry, but yes, no I do. Yeah, I had the same thing at Broadway Comedy Club. You know, back in the day, you do the show,

they don't give you any money, they don't give you a glass of water, and I was a drunk and I saw the cooler, and I slid the window open, you know, got the beer out, and a guy goes, you can't do that, and I was like, I know. And he's like, so why are you doing it? I'm like, because I wanted the beer,

it was the same exact thing. Yes, yeah, I have no money and I need a beer. Exactly, so he didn't understand. Well, what could you do? All right, we got to wrap this thing up. One and up, ups and downs, strikes and gutters. This is another attractive. That's like a seven that just went by.

I mean, this weather's bringing out the clam. It's so funny, and the clan, hopefully. But just kidding. That's a joke. I'm being silly goose. Oh, boy. Oh oh boy. What fucking day is it, Chuck? Any idea what the hell this comes out? The 48th of... I think the first week of May, whatever the first Monday is in May. May 6th, or May 5th. Alright, well...

I don't know where I am. I'm so bad. What is it? May what? The force be with you. Oh, I'm at, uh, I'm in the UK, so please come to that. You gay. Um, where am I? You gay. I'm somewhere May 5th. Does anyone know where I am? What do you say when you see things? Uh, see something, say something.

Hold on, hold on. I'm in Rochester, I'm sorry, while you're looking. Rochester, Portchester, Albany, uh, what the hell's that city? Burlington, Vermont, that's a pretty area. Green Bay, Wisconsin, Wausau, Wisconsin, Eugene, Oregon, San Jose, and Ben Salem, and Foxwoods in Connecticut, and Australia, and New Zealand, coming there in August. Hola.

So, good day, mate, would love to have you. Right. Oh, go now. I found some stuff. I got some comedy. Oh, I'm in Cleveland next week. I'm living in Hilarities. Please come to that. I got a new hour. It's rockin. I got a new 38 minutes, but whatever. That's something. But the movie is out all over this weekend. It's a huge weekend.

Please, for the love of Christ, support this film. People love the film. I'm sure you've been seeing it. It kicked ass in New York and LA by the time you're seeing this. Hell yeah. May 9th, Key West, Tropic Cinema. May 9th, Cambridge, Massachusetts Landmark, Kendall Square Theater. That's that's Friday. It opens. It's playing all week. Larkspur, California at the Lark Theater. Glenview, Illinois. that's a Chicago suburb. It's the landmark at the Glen, May 9th in Atlanta. Landmark's Midtown Art Cinema. How cool is that?

Woo! Houston, Texas, the River Oaks Theater, Philadelphia. That's one of our big, big towns. Love Philly. They love us, we love them. Philly, landmark, Ritz 5. This Friday, Saturday, Sunday, go one, go all.

It's also playing in Muskegon, Michigan, at the Cinema Carousel, Grand Rapids Celebration Cinema, and then down the road, May 22nd, Lexington, and I'm in Cleveland Hilarity's next fucking weekend. Please go see this goddamn movie. Yeah, great movie, I highly recommend. Four stars, two thumbs up my ass. We'll see you at hell. Praise Allah. Get on the page. Chuck. Chuck E. You check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with comedian Ray Harrington and Brad

Roar. We're doing a live show at the Comedy Connection in East Providence, Rhode Island on June 1st. There it is. It's a Narragansett beers. Fun Bearable Summer Break is the name of the show. We're going to have a lot of fun and also check out if you're a tell them Steve Dave fan We just did a fun bearable versus tell them Steve Dave game night episode on the tell them Steve Dave patreon You heard it here first folks people are loving it. So check it out fun bearable pod.com See ya in hell, Brayden O'Lark, weepin' us. You're out of the past.