Tuesdays with Stories! - #604 Idiot Room

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

Mark goes to Ithaca with Raj Belani and, as always, the Tesla bites him in the d*ck! Joe premieres his Tom Dustin doc with Salacuse in the Q&A chair! Check out the dates for Tom Dustin: Portrait of a Comedian at  https://punchup.live/tomdustindoc ! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for your $1 per month Shopify trial at https://www.shopify.com/TUESDAYS - Get your free trial of ShipStation with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.shipstation.com - Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for new customers of 15% off + a FREE gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code TUESDAYS15 at https://huel.com/TUESDAYS15

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me and I can't Here we are! We're here, we're queer, we're back Oh I just kicked the box there.

We don't lose the sound. What box? The power, the power. Oh I thought May the box there. Oh, no, we don't lose the sound what box The power was down there. I'd love to kick that box. I'd lose a shoe Get stuck in there like a boot stuck in mud only wetter We go. Oh, you got a park. Oh, maybe you could get a Bucks run on the way back if you park Starbucks You want something you want something right? I'll take anything Texted to you. Well, I'll take anything. Text it to you. I don't know. I'll audio text it. I'll do an iced coffee. There you go.

Small, small. No, no, we need it. We gotta keep it in. It's good, behind the scenes. Coffee. I'll text it to you right now. Hold on. I'll do an audio text. I hate cold brew. That shit's evil. It fucks my head up. I go wacky and his asshole that I'm okay with grande emperors clouds and missed here we go

Diana Ross over here and period short steep period oh take the bags out after oh about a minute or two. Merrill's tip. Period. I'm texting this to you. This is good pod here. That's why I cut it in. No, no, no cut. And oh shit, I keep using audio text. On the corner, you can't miss it. Wait, hold on, stop talking

because it's audio texting everything. Faggot. Went all caps. And chocolate brownie warmed up if they have one. Oh my lord, you gotta bedmo this queef. And a butter croissant warmed up if they don't have the brownie. And get a tarp for the crumbs he's gonna leave

with that flaky croissant. Somebody messaged me by the way about that, speaking of which. Me too actually. Somebody wrote, watch Mark eat the cookie and we might be drunk. If he doesn't have to clean it, he doesn't care. That's true. You're just eating it, it's going everywhere. Yeah, yeah, I don't clean that room. That's where I clean. Okay, well as long as we know. It's like a hotel. Same with a hotel. All right, I don't clean this room. But they have a cleaner. We're friends. We are friends. They have an Asian

lady come in. But, we'll talk about this later. Hold on. Oh, my God. All right. So anyways, we're here. We're queer. Not a crazy order of tea and a brownie. That's not that crazy. Oh, the croissant is if there's no brownie. Oh, all right. I thought you were doing a double pastry. My blood sugar. If it goes down, forget about it. You don't want to be around me. Is that diabetes?

No, I think that's everybody. Well, diabetes, yeah, your blood sugar is all your rods and cones are all screwed up. Insulin, yeah, a lot of diabetes at this day, right? I'll tell you that. Grape drink. Well, Bulger, every time I see Bulger, he's had diabetes type 1 for 30 years. Every time I see him, he almost dies. That's true. They always say, don't drink, you got to cut back on the booze because he was such a lush. Yeah. And then every time I see him, he's doing shots of Hennessy and and Everclear yeah he's black that's a crappy band that Everclear

Father of mine, tell me when you'll be yeah they suck. Me and my black girlfriend. Remember that song? That was theirs? Yeah black girlfriend. Oh I can't remember. Yeah. Robert De Niro. Oh, it's kid went trans Is that right? Yeah, the new one. Yeah, the new one. No, the new one's like six months old. No, not that one Oh, 15 year old whatever. Ah, jeez. It's out of control. I don't want to get into that either But my god, everybody's just shifting and shoooping. Oh yeah, analyze that Okay, there goes Chuck. Poor Chuck, double parked.

He's gotta go buy us a bunch of beverages. What a quief. What a miserable life he's leading. Anyways. They will never see him again. Wow, there was a rumor he was leaving. I gotta, there goes May and the baby. It's like a sitcom here.

It really is. There was a rumor he was leaving. Derek sent me a Reddit post being like, Chuck's leaving? And I jerked off and fucking did a cartwheel and ate my own cum but I guess it's it's a rumor only it's a Rupert he's got nowhere else to go he's like officer in an anal no he got hired by Impractical Joker I'm gonna call Sal and offer him better call Sal I'm gonna say hey I'll give you 300 grand if you give it to him well

the Impractical Jokers are out with P. Diddy at this point I mean they're they're off riding riding fences and 14 year olds. Oh, magic check got canceled. Whoa, one can only hope. I bet there's some weird stuff with it. He's got 14 girlfriends, three. Why? Every time I see him, he's like, I fuck two porn stars. That's true. He's got a hunchback and one was a guy.

The porn star. It was Danny D. Hopefully he doesn't watch this. No, he listens. Yeah, that's a good point. Just joking and choo-choo. Well, I would just pull back this curtain, this meat curtain, vaginal meat curtain. Beef curtain. I got to tell you, we got two episodes we got to do because you're going to London for six months. You got that right. Ahoy, mate. And then I'm going to New England for five weeks, four weeks. Two Englands. Oh that's right we're going to Old England, New England. There you go. That's pretty fun. Maybe I'll call it that on stage. Hey it's gonna be here in Old England. They won't get it.

No I don't think they'll uh nobody knows what New England is. Even the people in the United States are not familiar with New England. Really? I thought New England was a thing. New England Patriots. Well the New England Patriots I think people are confused by it. They don't know what it is. It's just a region. So you're married to a New Englander now. That's right. So you know, you're confused. Good point. I think you go to Wyoming and you say, yeah, New England. They go, what the fuck does that mean? Oh, it's a lot of new. We didn't really have creativity. It was like New York, New England, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New Orleans. New Jersey? Yeah. Which I never heard of the old Jersey. Yeah, probably some little town out there

and an island out in UK. New Hampshire? Did you say New Hampshire? I did. So there's a Hampshire. Ah. There's a York. There's York for sure. But where the fuck is Jersey? Yeah. I've never heard of Jersey England. Call in if you know where Jersey is. There's all these little where the fuck is Jersey. Yeah, Jersey England call in if you know where Jersey is There's all these little mini Cardiff and Bristol. There's all these mini. There's a Bristol, Tennessee, by the way Yeah, Bristol, Connecticut Bristol, Tennessee. Oh, yeah, well all the name we have nothing original Also, New London in Connecticut. Yes. I think Quinn did a joke about that Like that we should be this should be New London. The whole thing. That should be New York. No, this city.

Oh, right, right, right, right. New York City should be called New London. Well, aren't we Amsterdam? I think we were Amsterdam-y. Yeah, we bought it from the Indians for like six shekels and they never forgave us. So we should be New Dutch. Well, I think, but then the British came and changed it from New Amsterdam to New York. Got it, got it. Because York was a big kingdom.

Peppermint Patty. At the time. But I think London, past York. London is like Shane Gillis. Oh, got it. Everyone thought it was going to be, you know, Soder. Right. And then London just, got it.

And now York is still beautiful, still great. Sure, beautiful place, funny place. Someone could even argue that York is better than London. Whoa! But London's bigger than York, that's for sure. Right, right, right, yeah, London's doing arenas. I think that was the most perfect metaphor I've ever come up with.

That was a great man, and I didn't wanna partake. Well, it's a... Just in case they see it. Well, Soder will, I mean, I would not say that in front of him. Good point. I like York better no between Soder sees this yeah, faggy London both great, but anyways yeah, we should be because they've they misjudged

They were like this is gonna be as good as York. Yes, New York right and then New London They were like this is gonna be a whole thing. This is gonna be awesome Yeah, New London sucks. Yeah, so they miscalculated good points. Yeah, London state, Connecticut's not great across the board But we won't get to that. It's a commuter state one of my least favorite states of all time Delaware's got to be in there. Nothing good going on in Delaware Well, I think there's a by the way a good a good friend of mine who happens to be of the female variety. Her birthday is this weekend.

She's got a boyfriend. He's taking her to Delaware. That's a divorce. I mean, what are you doing? He's got no Delaware-ness. Aha! I like it. This lady makes a lot of coin.

She's off to Delaware for a weekend. Right. Even that painting with George Washington on the Delaware River He's like we got to go somewhere better. He's looking for a better spot. That's a bit We got a bit. That's a bit painting. We got hard candy in there. That's a cell phone Well anyways, yes, so Delaware sticks, but Connecticut. This is my thing with Connecticut Uh-huh, it's a New England state that roots for the Yankees. Yeah, it's it's very England state that roots for the Yankees. Yeah. It's it's very wealthy, but also very poor. It's everything I hate. It's like rich, snobby, mansiony, billionaire cunt people. Yachts, boat shoes, and

the pastel. Yes, it's everything horrible. And then their working class area is a stab and a shot. It's like if you took a left out of this place. Exactly. It's like this neighborhood. Yeah, you go to Bridgeport, you get your dick shot off by an African Amer, and you go to Greenwich and you get your dick sucked by your aunt. I mean every city in Connecticut sucks. New Haven, Hartford, Bridgeport, New London. Yeah. They're all terrible. They're not great. They have moments. You get Yale. Yale's nice. You get the Peppi's Pizza. Oh, yeah. Frank Peppe. Yeah. The other thing Hartford's got insurance. Remember we went there? Twain.

Way back in the day. Twain is something. I was like three weeks sober. Wow. You featured for me at City Steam. That's insane. Pretty funny. That's a boozy club too. It's gonna be hard to be sober there. Yeah, it was tough. Remember we went back to the hotel room you were very kind though you came straight back to the hotel we sat we bullshitted well I was in a blackout if that helps cuz I knew you weren't boozing but I was like free beer I can't say no well I've told this story before that's where I got so fucked up one time cuz it's a it's a it's called brew haha I think it went away and now it's back ah

and it was a class I got a few stories. I got like six, this is great because I have no stories so I'll tell nine fucking City Steam stories. Love it, this will put them on the map. One story, that's the only, first and only club, I think, where I went, I took all the steps up the ladder. I was the MC there when I was 19. I MC'd for like three years. Then I featured

for like three or four years. And then headlined. It was like most clubs you get into as a feature later. But I did it all and my headshot was, I'm an 18 year old kid, my headshot is up. It's crazy. Wow. Remember that room was like a skinny rectangle. It was almost like if you took a subway car and turned it the 90 degree because you had to swivel. Right. The back wall was a foot away but it was wide like a cock. Yes and famously, famously amongst us, they had signatures on the room and then one of the managers or new owner decided to paint it. He's like we're looking like shit in here. They painted over Louis CK and Jerry Seinfeld. Wow they were there? Jerry Seinfeld performed at City Steam,

because it's a famous restaurant and brewery. It's like a four-story great restaurant with the big steam. It goes, poot, poot. There's like a big train steam thing. It's the coolest restaurant in the city and a big basement. It was a hot room when they were good. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Also, a comic, it's a window into our anal, because we'll go anywhere as long as it's kind of close to New York. Like, you go to bananas. No offense to bananas, there's a fucking monkey on the stage

with an inflatable bunch of bananas with a palm tree. And Seinfeld's been there. Bill Maher's been there. Richard Pryor's been there. Cosby fucked me there. And then you're like, it's just 40 minutes away from New York. That's really why everyone's there. Proximity, yeah. Thank you, that's the word. The great DePaulo joke, he goes, yeah people ask me why I'm so angry. How about, because Monday morning I got to go to a bank and cash a check with a

monkey, a banana wearing sunglasses on. Exactly. And oh, my city steam, my other store, what, I got so many, Steve, my other story. What? I got so many, they're all rushing in. What was the first one? The Seinfeld. They painted over Jerry. So everyone showed up and goes, you painted the wall. That blank wall looks good. Doesn't it? It's all red. You're like, you had Jerry Seinfeld from 1986. And Louie and all the people. Not to mention Paul Reiser and everybody. So that was one story.

What did you work with over there? Anyone still cooking? I mean, no one big. Lenny Marcus. I remember IMC, this is right after 9-11, IMC Tom Van Horne. Remember him? He featured in Lenny Marcus' headlined. And who else did I ever open for there? John Fish? Tommy Johnigan? Johnigan never did that. He never did that room.

Who else was there? And then I did a New Year's Eve there, and it was so fucking horrible. They had a two person show. The opener did 30 minutes and then I did 50. Wow. So you just have someone go up cold to do 30 straight minutes. That is painful. It's the only place I ever walked off stage.

Wow. Because they wanted me to take the show till midnight. Right. Countdown at 1152. They bring out one of those carts with like in high school. You had like the projection Oh, yeah, and they're the projector they wheel out, you know glasses of champagne and the The noise literally called a noisemaker. Yes, so everyone starts doing it. It's like 1155 and I go well Hey, I'll just come back right I'll come back in five minutes exactly and they go no no and I go Yeah, no, and I just came off and I was like nobody's listening. They throw you to the wolves with that Like literally nobody's listen. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, this is better

Exactly. Oh, it's Chuck. He's got a pile of coffees and brownies. Oh, you can't open the door I heard you say once I'm never doing New Year's again, and I went that's pretty good And I stopped doing them once you said that. Well, I said that for years. Remember at Carolines, me and Ricky Valdez got an argument. Oh yeah, that's right. Because I was saying for a long time, my career goal, and I have to remember, because we always move the goal post on ourselves.

You got to move it. I know, but you end up going, oh, I want this. And I'm coming up short in my goals. But you're like, but right, what we're doing now was our goal Thank you. Chuckles. You're a good man. Oh, I got the small You got a small I got the perfect That's a grande mine's a grande Ariana Yours is thank you sir. That's very grand day

Thank you, buddy. Chris Rock once famously said I just want to get big enough where I don't have to do morning radio. And I remember as a young comic, that really tickled my taint. I was like, hey, I like that. Uh-oh. What? Oh, God. Oh, this is good for the show.

Cat is here. That's never worked on him. You got to just sit down, check. He'll come in on his own volition. Maybe he'll think this is, you know, his wife. That was Greg, everybody. Greg the cat is here. There we go. So you got to this is his wife. That was Greg, everybody. Greg the cat is here. There we go.

So you got to just let him be. It's like a woman. You can't push too hard and wait till they fall asleep. You have a cat that's twice as big as your child. Isn't that crazy? That's a big puss. And the cat's big. But yeah, for years I was like, my goal

is to not work New Year's Eve. Because for the folks at home, we're really pulling back all the meat curtains. New Year's Eve. Now, I was told this when I first started by the Boston legends. They said, New Year's Eve, you shouldn't leave your house for less than three times what you normally make. Oh, okay. That makes sense.

So for guys like us at that time, that was 300 bucks. When I was 20 years old, New Year's Eve, hey, do you want to do 20 minutes opening for Mike Donovan? Sure. And I go, well, it you want to do 20 minutes opening for Mike Donovan? Sure. And I go, well, I'd better pay $300 or I ain't coming. Or even when I was really young, like 150. But basically, that's a general rule of thumb. New Year's Eve, you're getting triple.

I mean, now we're in a different place in our career. Yeah. You get the door deal, whatever. But so you wanted three times. And so you always wanted to work New Year's Eve because you make it three times what you normally would make Yes, well you keep going. But anyway, I was like if I could get successful enough that I don't need a fucking $3,000 gig and I ended up doing it, but I remember being at Caroline's with you and me and soda Michelle Wolf

Yeah, I got a photo that Veeder. Yes, that's somewhere around here. I think it's over there Yeah, that was a great night, But see, that's a little different, because you're in with a group. You're all getting drunk. You're all hanging out. The other thing, when you're the headliner, it's basically community service. Right.

It's not comedy anymore. You're babysitting 800 drunks. Right. But I remember I was probably 30 or 32. And Ricky Velez, who I love, great guy, funny guy, he was like 23. And he was like, what are you talking about? What would you do? Oh What would I do? What would I do go to bed? I don't know watch a movie like fuck my wife party

Yeah, yeah, hang on. It doesn't what are you talking about? And anyways now yeah New Year's Eve I go to my parents house now and hang out. There you go. It's back here. I know it's in this It is in here somewhere. Maybe it's on the window. There's all of us that also at Caroline's. Oh, yeah. That's a Christmas party. Or is it Caroline's? Well, Caroline's was my spot. Oh, yeah. They feed you that chicken parm, baby.

Oh, forget about it. Pane, pomodoro, pane, pomodoro. Oh, yeah. Is that it up there? Oh, remember you told me that great Louis story. I don't know if I'm supposed to say the name. But he finally started selling tickets. Oh, yeah. The first time he sold out, he added a show.

That sold out. And he shows up to the club. And they go, we'll see you at morning radio tomorrow. You can push that all the way. And they go, he goes, morning radio. It's all sold out. And we added a show. And that sold out.

And they go, you got to do the radio. It's part of the deal. And he's like, I'm not doing the radio. It's all sold out and we added a show and that sold out and they go you gotta do the radio it's part of the it's part of the deal and he's like I'm not doing the radio it's all sold out what's the point of promoting right but they want a celebrity in the radio stage yeah they want to add for the club yeah so he's like I'm not doing it it's sold out the whole point is to promote and they go if you don't promote if you don't go to radio we're gonna make things very difficult for you basically a threat a vague A vague, veiled, uh-oh, never mind, party's over, the cat wants to leave. Alright, you better open the door. Damn, I was hoping to get him on film for a second. That's okay. Okay, I don't want to scare JoJo, but so he said fuck it, he didn't do

the radio, he showed up at the club, everything was fine. Yeah, they were super nice to him, of course. Yeah, so I learned my lesson. Don't do the radio. He showed up at the club, everything was fine. Yeah, they were super nice to him, of course. Yeah, so I learned my lesson. Don't buy the club's bullshit. What are they, the mob? What are they gonna cut your toes off? Well, that guy's particularly mobby. That guy is a different guy.

I don't wanna give away that guy. Is that the picture there? No. No, I can't find the wall anywhere. That's my family. It's around here, it's black and white. Matt Wayne has a great story. So is the neighborhood. Matt Wayne. That's more black. But Matt Wayne has a great story. Same guy. He calls him. He gives him a gig in Buffalo. He used to have a room in Buffalo.

Oh, I know that guy. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, I got a gig for you. Whatever it pays this amount. This might give away, but he pays to pay is this such money and Matt goes, okay Is it a fun gig and he goes it's an idiot room. Take the money and run. Oh wow Idiot room, it's an idiot room. Geez. I've heard of escape room. Never heard of an idiot room. That's good stuff That's what I call the view Chuck Do me a favor don't listen to the portion that you weren't here for no We really trashed Rupert. Yeah, you know what I hear Yeah, you don't want to hear that

Thank you Thank you baby, yeah, so well there was rumors you were leaving the show, we got excited, but here you are. Oh yeah, right at your buzz. By the way, I did. Practical Jokers. Yeah. But you're doing both.

Highest rated comment is someone saying, please don't leave the show. Who rated it? Yeah, I don't know. All right. Let me just say this about New Year's shows. I did New Year's at Grand Rapids. That's where I did my last one!

Is that right? That's where it ended for me. Well that club is already an idiot box of drunk psychos. It's an idiot room, take the money and run. I mean it is a drunk club. It's a drinking town, it's Michigan, it's cold, these people get after it. And it's on the fourth floor of a giant building so everybody just falls down the stairs all night. They literally put nets, like suicide nets nets because people drunkenly fall off the building like the Apple Store in Asia

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree It falls off the the comedy club. I don't want to jinx it, but this might be the best episode of all time. Yeah That's lunch. So yeah that that's kind of when I was like I think I'm about done here Yeah, that was my literal my last New Year's Eve. I walked off It was fucking horrible And then Sarah and I got in an elevator with a drunk guy who was already the elevator doors open The guy was already on the elevator. He didn't get off. Oh stay in the elevator with us and I was like we're gonna get killed This is crazy. The weird thing is I feel like both of us we grew up in our teens and 20s

Handling our drunk friends or our drunk friends handling us. So you kind of, when I was up there I was like, I got this. I know what's going on with these fucking alcoholics, but it's still not fun. I want to tell my jokes. And it's just, yeah, it's drunk, people are drunk driving, I like being home, I like a party, I like a New Year's Eve party. Love an NP. We hang out, my parents, you stay up you go to bed. You've listened to music you play games Agreed, it's nice. It's nice and the midnight shit never goes well

Like if you're at a big comedy club or a big nightclub or a bar for New Year's someone's gonna cry You're gonna end up kissing your dad like it never goes right. Your mom cries. There you go. So yeah I gotta tell you about my weekend. Please give me it I'm dying to hear about the weekend plus the more you talk the more I can eat. Eat up! So did two what I call like a nice local roadie. I like that. I did a the idiot box in Jersey no I did a The Idiot Box in Jersey. No, I did a New Brunswick. Stress Factory? Theater.

Oh, nice. Which is fun because you're like, I've been doing the Stress Factory for 600 years. It's nice to graduate. Absolutely. And trust me, I'll be back on the way down. But for now. I imagine at the theater there's not a deaf guy taking prank phone calls either. Yeah, there's no payphone on the wall over there, but you know, Stress Factory, great

club, hot room. I love the Stress Factory and I love Vinny, but he's a ball buster. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. What? He's a tough cookie, yeah. So don't bring an Oprah to the Stress Factory. Vinny will ruin their life.

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Who's this, who's this? Oh god, he looks a little suspish. Oh yeah, oh he's looking at your, he's going up to your house. Oh, Chuck, you gotta go get this guy. And May is, What the fuck is going on? I don't know.

You're talking to me when I'm not here? We won't do it this time. We won't this time. Hey, last time you left, you kicked over the camera, you dizzy fuck. Ha ha ha, dizzy. Dizzy Gillespie. All right, let the guy in, do whatever he can, fuck the wife, whatever he wants. Just keep the recorder going.

Oh, go up to the front door, you chitch. Oh, Chuck with the back leg like an asshole. Let him in. What's he doing? He's pointing at us. I think he's here to fix the fence in the backyard. No offense. I live in the suburbs. No offense.

Oh, God. We got Chuck running the house here. This is terrible. Let him up! Sorry, we have a couple of microphones. Keep your towel on. Why isn't this show bigger? Fix the fence?

Yeah, you can let him in. Just let him right to the back. Yeah, don't let him touch the baby or the money. The baby's gone. Yeah, just let him right through the kitchen. Take him to the upstairs. Yeah, he'll be okay. Thank you. Oh, these guys are freaking out. Oh, he's got a backwards sideways hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got tools though. That's good.

That's good. That guy is a tool. This guy that's coming in the house, his hat is like this, earnestly. Yes, yes. I believe he's a Hispanic man who's here to do work on my fence Wow build that wall. You really are a man. You got a fence. I got a fence I don't even want to say how much they spent on the furniture She said the number where the phone broke. I know I had to pick up a new side gig I'm doing uber now So, uh, he just gave us the finger Chuck just gave us the finger

I don't think you should have told him about the the shit talking in like that well He's got to hear it eventually anyways, did you give us the finger? You know I'm live from the inside all right. Thank you. Sorry about that All right, I'm apologized your house. That's true. I didn't do anything. All right, so New Brunswick Good time. Another new by the way. Oh Where's the old bro? Where are all these towns? What's the deal with old cities? I told you my new Seinfeld bit. No, I think I did actually. Let's hear it dish washer. Where's the dish dryer? You got a clothes dryer?

How about a dish dryer? I come out, I wash the dishes, the bowl's all wet. Now I gotta dry it. I tell you, I get why this guy made a career. That's a funny delivery. Why isn't the dryer dish? This is good stuff. You got a clothes dryer?

A hair dryer? Where's the dish dryer? I do you one better. Car wash? Who's drying it? You can't just wash up and leave it. Right. You know, you wash your hair, you get it with a towel after. Car dryer. Okay. So, New Brunswick, boy, it's just one of those great moments where you leave at five o'clock, Salakus drove the minivan. Oh yeah, it's a seven o'clock show, it's an hour drive.

Was it gridlock traffic? Yeah, we were a little late. But you try to push it as long as you can. There's your clip, that's a clip. There we go. Chuck, good job. Thank you, you're handling it well, you're a real man. Did you give us the finger?

I don't think so. All right, something happened, it well. You're a real man. Did you give us the finger? All right. Something happened. I thought I saw a finger go up. I think it was a nose pick. All right. Well, anyways, so you go up there, you're traffic, you leave at five o'clock. Salafuses with you. He drove the minivan. We had a great time. We got there early. We said, let's go get some food. Now, how about this one? I like to go to the green room. I text my tour guy, I go, send us some menus while we're in the car. We'll pick something. You order it by the time we show up. It's hot piping, waiting on the table.

That's beautiful. That's a good life. You really made it. We made it. Unbelievable. Oh, I made it. Oh yeah. You got movies out in the theaters.

Yep. What do you, Michael Mann? Ah, Michael Mann? Ah, Michael Mann. Child. Not a huge man guy. I like man. I like man.

I like some man. Sexually. So we get out there, we go, hey, we're going to Jersey. It's mob country, it's Sopranos. Give us some big, Wapgini, Daigo food. Absolutely. The best food, by by far in my opinion. Good food, good sauce, the gravy.

So I go, yeah, send us a nice Italian menu. We go boom, boom, boom. We want this, this, and this. He goes, you got it. Then he hits me with this one. They're a little backed up. It's going to take like an hour and a half to get the food. And I go, forget it.

We're going out to eat. So we get to the green room, we put our shit down, we walk to the Mexican joint a block away. Okay. Big mistake. The whole show is at the Mexican joint. Yeah, you can't go out to eat in the neighborhood, especially a place like that where there's only,

oh my God, the whole town is there. Exactly, it's a small little college town and that was bad. Do a shot! The guys are all at the bar doing margaritas. Get a shot over there! And you're like, god damn it, nice people! But I don't know, we're just trying to get a taco here.

Right. So we get it to go. Salacuse does this one. Hey, hey, lady. We're getting it to go. And by the way, how do you feel about this? Salacuse, we give him the whole order I get the bill back I'm like a hundred something bucks it's like three people getting tacos he goes I got

some stuff you just put it on there. Salakis? But chips, salsa, guac, queso, I mean he really did the works. Wow I mean I like the order it's a strong order. It's a strong order. It's a strong order, but you gotta run a bias. No one ate the chips. Oh boy. Well, you know, I like the order. I'm, you know me, I'm probably, I order too much. That's my thing. I like to order way too much food. That's the American way.

Yeah. Well, cause it is better to have too much than not enough food. That's true. It's nothing worse than going, I'm starving. Oh, it's all gone. That is true. And if you have too much you give it to a homeless guy I've never done that before but you know you give it to a white person that looks nice. That's the move. One time I gave a homeless guy Indian food I go hey man

it was a nicely packaged not touched we ordered too much Salacus and I go hey you go sir he goes what is that I go it's Indian food he goes what the fuck call me when you got some American goes what is that I go it's Indian food he goes Fuck call me when you got some American. I like that. That's my kind of guy on the ground. I can hang with that guy Last time I give him a hobo with some fucking curry I'm gonna take a big sheet. I have that motherfucker Steph Curry. Oh boy. So he's good you ever watch that guy Oh Woo! That's a better shooter than Thomas Matthew Crooks, I'll tell you that. I saw a video of him. He makes 27 corner threes in a row. Just poof. And cute as a butt. He's got beautiful eyes, nice skin.

Oh, forget about it. I'd suck him off in front of Chuck. Oh, film it, Patreon. We may or may not have accused you of possibly being a rapist. Is that going to be a problem? Oh, okay. I think it'll be okay, right? How strong of an accusation? Ah, weak. Loose, loose. You say you probably have some Me Too stuff because you've had 14 girlfriends at once. Yeah. Yeah. That's not great. That'll be okay, right? That's not great to have out there. Mark may have commented on your looks. Ah, that's fine. Not me. Positive? Sure. Oh yeah yeah. He said how handsome you are. Oh, yeah.

Thanks. Good thighs. Anyways. Anyways, so we do the show. Show is great. We're back home by 11, 10. Don't you love that? Now, where's the theater?

I can't picture it. Because that town is kind of one street. Is it near the club? Yeah, it's all near. Everything's near the club. But it's called the State Theater. It's got the big cool marquee with the vertical sign STA. I can't spell it. And it was really something. You get the marquee, Normand right there. Boom, right in the middle. Beautiful. And those gigs become so nice when you have the baby because you can just shoot right home, you're back,

your wife doesn't hate you. Exactly. You can sit on your face and all that good stuff. Yeah, so that was a treat. Then the next night though, Ithaca. Cornell. You got that right. Ivy League. What's that guy's name? The singer?

Chris Cornell. Thank you. RIP. Love Cornell. Soundgarden? Of course. Yes, Spoon Man. Which by the way, yesterday Sam Texas goes, I'm watching 90's Rock, it's the

best. Oh yeah. I literally, I wasn't even trying to be funny. I literally thought he was at home watching Alice in Chains videos and I was like, yeah, it is the best. Silver chair, killer. He's talking Chris Rock. Yeah.

So, it's a 5 and a half. And you decided to drive that? Well the flights are hell. You can leave at 4.30 in the morning or something. It's the only flight. And then you've got to sleep there and do another 4.30 back. Right. So I was like, fuck it. We'll drive.

5 and 1 half. We'll drive right back after. Now, everyone kept telling me I had to do a radio phoner on the ride up. And the lady's like, hey, we got Mark Norbert here. We're looking forward to having you in Ithaca. Blah, blah, blah. You nervous out there?

Everybody's crazy woke. Big liberal town. A lot of blue hair. And this is a lady telling me this. And I was like, ah, we'll be fine. I got a fun act. It's all ready to go. And she goes, all right, good luck.

They'll string you up. They'll kill you. She got in my head, Jerry. They'll kill you. Yeah, she's like, these hipsters out here, they don't fuck around. Well, Ivy League, they're in the news quite a bit. Also they're surrounded by yokels with the with the jug with three X's on it the overalls and the upstate white trash up there. The

upstate theater. Yes so they're like they go extra hard because they got to push back on the toothless. Right now is this gig at the school? No, no, theater. Go, good. It's a good theater, I guess it's called, but whoo boy, I was in my head, but they were great, they were fine, it was all the gravy. Well, I think people like to over sell a thing, and then it's kind of like that thing where,

when you're introducing friends to another friend, and you're like, he's a drunk, he's crazy, he says the end, because you've known them for 30 years. Yes. this one night they're in the best behavior and I try to do a joke about this a long time ago, you're kind of hoping they'll do something awful so you don't look like an asshole. Good point. You don't want to be a look like a shitty friend because you're like this guy is a bag of shit, he sucks and then people are like I love that guy and you're like damn it you don't know the real him. It's kind of like when you go to the hospital and you're like it really hurts when I do that but it's not hurting right now and they're like you're fine you're like, damn it, you don't know the real him. It's kind of like when you go to the hospital and you're like, it really hurts when I do

that, but it's not hurting right now. And they're like, you're fine. You're like, no, no, it hurts sometimes. I've had that every time I've ever been at the doctor. I go, my tooth shakes and cat piss comes out of it. And they're like, I don't see any cat piss. I know, but it'll come when I leave. Exactly.

It's like my wife. So yeah, it go was killer, beautiful theater. And then that drive back, I was like, here we go. Now who are you with here? I'm with Raj, which was fun. He had a good set, he had a good film, we had a good hang. Tesla. The double charge, Jerry, double charge.

Oh my God. So your five and a half hour drive turns into six and change, because it costs, or it's 20 minutes of charge. Oh my god. So your five and a half hour drive turns into six and change, because it costs, or it's 20 minutes of charge. You are a walk, does that document you, who killed the electric car? Mark Normand. You got that right.

You are a walking, talking advertisement, as the British say, for gas-powered vehicles. I'll take a horse and buggy. I'll take a Flintstones car. Get me some gasoline. Gasolina. Chuck this is hitting just right thank you very much you're a good man you're very handsome you never raped anyone thank you. What a producer. So yeah we did that drive back so I go if we're doing the drive we're getting some roadies. Yeah, cause that's a long shift. It's a haul.

It's a haul. You haul. I haul. They haul. We all haul for ice haul. So kids in the haul, but we get into an argument. I go, Ray Romano, he's a Queens guy cause Raj is from Queens. And he goes, I think he's Long Island. And I go, I think he's Queens. And he goes, Long Island. And I go, I will bet you a box of beers

that we're gonna get, he's Queens. And he goes, done. Queens! Now technically, Queens is on Long Island. Shh. So, you know Queens King of Queens yeah so where's he from what's the Rona baby Bayside Bayside Bayside yeah that a go there yeah King of

Queens yeah no wait what's this going off is that right King of Queens, yeah, King of Queens. Yeah. No wait, what's this called? That's a spin-off. Is that right? King of Queens is a spin-off of Raymond. I had no idea. Oh yeah, give it a go. I never watched either show, but I hear good things. People love him. Yeah, but great time, got back at 2.30 in the morning, you go right to the dream feed.

You know the dream feed? Dream feed? No, I don't know what dream feed. That's where the baby gets hungry in the middle of the night. You put a bottle right in his asshole, and he goes while sleeping. Oh I never heard that. I never heard that term. I like that. I thought Dream Feed was something you did like you ate mushrooms and go to bed. Oh

That's not bad. Yeah, that actually that is horrible. You'd have some crazy nightmares. You wake up in a gulag. You wouldn't know where you were. Well, yeah, good weekend. Got back home. No flights. No fuss. No muss. Elon muss. And then it's off to UK. Wow. Now, when is UK? Next week. Wow. Yeah, that's what we're doing too. Oh yeah. So what do you got there, Sloppy? Well, I don't have much.

I got one of those ones that was just like, boy, this is fun. But I'll tell you this, that's very exciting. I am riding a bike everywhere. That's all I do. I'm bike guy now. I gotta get a helmet. Everyone keeps yelling at me about the helmet.

I'll get a helmet for God's sakes. Hate a helmet. I know, it's just so gay. It's gay. I have no chin. It'll just slip right up. I gotta put it under my nose. It's like wearing a condom. It just takes the fun out of it. Juggles. It's really strange. So basically, Kevin James was in a bunch of early episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. Then he went on to do King of Queens, but it was not a spinoff. Then he came back on Everybody Loves Raymond. Uh-huh. Thank you. Then he went on to do King of Queens, but it was not a spin-off. Then he came back on Everybody Loves Raymond as his character from King of Queens.

That's a spin-off where I come from. No, I mean it's a different character. Oh, it's a different character, okay. In the beginning it's different, but I'm like, why would they have him come back as a different character from a different show? Yeah, interesting. But not a spin-off. No spin.

What about Queens? Is he from Queens? It says the show takes place in Long Island. Ah! But where is he from? Kevin James? No, Romano. Jesus Christ. You don't have too many answers, I'll tell you that. It says Queens, New York, yeah. Yeah, he's from Queens. 1957. Yeah, no, he grew up in Queens because I had a talk with them during COVID Aruba race up this thing and he was talking about being from Queens and I said hey, I live in Queens he goes Nicest guy ever the nicest comedian at home. You're at home. Let's pull the curtain back again You want to talk about nice guys good people?

That guy is as nice as it gets sweet man, doesn't care what level you're at. He'll chat with you, he'll talk to you. Gambling bruh. Is that right? Oh, he's a big OCD numbers guy. It's out there now. That guy will bet on WNBA. I mean, this guy is an addict.

How funny to in one breath be like, he is the nicest guy, you can't meet a nice guy He's got a huge secret gambling problem. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think it's pretty public I mean he will bet on ponies. He'll bet on a childbirth you name it the race of a kid, whatever I gotta tell you if I was worth eight hundred million dollars. I would have an account I would put five million. Okay in an account and be like, this is my gambling money Yeah, cuz I'm not a gambler and one of like, this is my gambling money. Yeah. Because I'm not a gambler. And one of the reasons is I need my money.

Of course. I always lose. I want money. I don't like, I mean, I play poker when I'm in a casino or I'll make futures bets. You know, I'll put, Hey, there's a hundred bucks for the Bruins to win the cup or whatever. But these guys that are just watching games, gambling on the halftime business and this shit. Well, he he's a big golf nut. So he'll do a thing where he's like, if I don't make two putts in a row, I have to start the whole game over. So he'll lose like a week because he has, he's one of these OCD guys who's like, I can't go on unless I do this, this and this. Oh wow. I had no idea. It's a curse, Jerry. It's a curse. Uh, well he's great. But anyways, so my big thing, It's a curse, Jerry. It's a curse. Well, he's great.

But anyways, so my big thing, the movie came out, Tom Dustin, portrait of a comedian. Woo! If you're seeing this now, I have no idea when this comes out. Chuckles, help me out. 6'12". No, 5'6".

6'12", 5'12". 6'12", is a tall guy. Hey, call back. Wait, didn't that one get lost, though? Yeah, that was my best joke of the year. It was. It's the soak of the year. All right. 512, my movies playing all over America right now. Houston, Atlanta, Glenview, Illinois, Larkspur, California, Cambridge,

Massachusetts, Key West, Florida, and post photos of you and your pals in the movies with the popcorn and the Tom Dustin in the background. Yes, please, go see it. But it opened here in New York City at the Quad Cinema, which somebody told me I did no research was the first multiplex in America. It doesn't sound right to me. Where is Quad?

It's on 13th and 6th. 13th and 6th? It's on 13th. It's right down the street from Alan's office. Got it. Oh! You've been there, I'm sure, at some point. I know that one.

It's very unassuming, auspicious, inaccurate, whatever you call it. It's just a little hole in the wall. Yes, yes. But it's got four screens. It's a cute theater. Or maybe it's three screens. Oh, it must be four.

Quad. Jeez, Louise. So Or maybe it's three screens. Oh, it must be four, quad. Hooey. Jeez Louise. So anyways, it was playing there and thanks to all the gays, we sold out Friday. We sold out Saturday. Wow. Packed out. Friday we had Bennington do the Q&A, which was fun.

Matt Wayne was there, Mike Tooey, shout out to those guys. Thank you. May Planet was there. Tooey, yay, the wife showed. Yeah, and who was I sitting with? I can't even remember who the fuck I was with. Are you sick of watching your big mug on the big screen? Yeah, yeah, it's awful to keep, I mean every second that I'm in it I hate, but it's nice to see Tom, it's fun to watch in a crowd to see where the laughs are.

Sure. And I gotta tell you, you take away the comedians. We really, I hate to sound like, we have a different sense of humor, but we're laughing at much darker shit. Oh, interesting. I mean, the screening at Cinema East. The first.

Yes, with you and Ari and Ronan and Louie and Isabel and Karen and Sam and Sarah. Sarah wasn't there. But I forgot which one of my wives was there. So that one, Tom's talking about his dad getting beaten with the club. Everyone's like, that's true. And you know, he's like, Oh yeah, I'm a school shooter. People are like rolling in the aisles. My favorite joke. This one he's like, Oh yeah. If I look like I'm shooting kids in a school, people were like, Oh, interesting. I was like, maybe this is only for comedians because there was some dark stuff that was getting not laughs. Yeah. Cause you don't want to be that guy who's like, Hey, comedians

were a different breed. We're wacky. We're nutty. These are civilians over here. You never want to be that guy, but it's true with humor. Yeah, like it black. Yes black and diet. So I like black but Well, I won't think about cutting that one Jesus. I'm kidding But also the Vegas what skank fest? Oh, those are animals So they were like defying and crying and hugging and shitting on my mouth. Totally. Your fantasy. But no, it was still great and fun and awesome and Bennington, and he's such a great Q&A

guy. Pro. Because he'll shit on you and bust balls and he's hilarious, but then he's poignant and he's a beautiful man. I love Bennington, so shout out to him. And it was fun as hell and saw some old friends and it was just great. It's exciting. It's crazy. You're like, of course we made this movie. We went down there, we shot it and now we're sitting in a real cinema. That's a man's sneeze. Oh,

okay. I was nervous. We're down there eating popcorn and candy. And by the way, free candy and popcorn. What? Well, I mean, it was like $40,000 back in M&Ms, I guess. But sure, you know, you make a movie, you get free candy. I got to make a movie. That's pretty good. That's damn good. That's why you Spielberg's and you Scorsese's get into this business. Absolutely.

So that's why Coppola is so fat. He's just eating popcorn for free. Right. I fucking, how about Citizen Kane? Orson Welles. He's not doing Welles. So I rode the bike back.

It's so fun riding a bike because I live on the west side. That's all I do. The highway, it's beautiful. You just ride down there. You have the movie, the moon is out. The devil's not around. I ride my bicycle home.

But then Saturday, I got gotta do it all over again. Ah. Because it's the next time, doing a Q&A again, also not quite sold out, but there was like, I think he said 88% sold. Ah, it's solid, we'll call it 90. Saturday I had Salakues do the Q&A. Real drop off.

I mean, you talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. Yeah, that's it. Doesn't get any lower. Saturday night, everyone's working. Bennington had spots. Ari had a party to plan. And you were out of town. On the road.

Blah, blah, blah. Everyone's out of town. So I went through every one. I mean, Chuck was next in line after Salakus. Whoa! So that would have been ugly. Good. Shelby's on the horn.

Oh yeah, yeah, I forgot, he was before Chuck. But Rupert, but it's on the second floor, so I just couldn't do it. Yeah, and these load-bearing walls for that guy. I don't know if they got the support. I'm just kidding, Rupi. So- Thatta boy Roo. We had Salacuse come in, and this time I bought a cigar. I'm like, I'm not watching this goddamn film again. No, thank you

And I show up and who do I see but my old pal Dan Herschel? Hey there She's a film kind of sewer himself. Well, he was my main partner before he was Salak is before Salak use Way better job. Absolutely So it was great to see him then he's in the movie and we started together and he's an old friend of Tom. So I wanted to see his reaction and then Salak use who brought his mother and wife. I didn't know his mom was coming. I didn't know she was there. We did the Q and a I kept trashing him. I was like this piece of shit. His camera socks. He did nothing. He barely did anything. He didn't charge, and he shouldn't have, because he sucks.

And then he's like, I want you to meet my mom. I'm like, are you kidding? What's she like? He's 78. She looks like him if he cleaned shaven. Yikes, that's an ugly beast of a woman there. Balding, Hawaiian shirt, 4'1". She's lovely, but I mean, she's 3'4", if she's a foot.

She's a tiny little wop. Yeah, she's teeny, but she was sweet as pie. She submitted a question. Ooh, why are you trashing my son? I'm like, you gotta tell me your mother's here. Cause you know, we have a rapport. So I'm going, he blows, he's a fucking homo. He raped two kids once in front of me.

He's ugly, he's fat, he's gay. And he's like, hi, this is my mom. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Good golly. But, by the way, shout out to, he's such a calming presence. Yes. He's so nice to have, so nice to hang with.

He did a great, he took the Q and A serious. Oh, good. Really. Because I saw him the night before, I was like, you got any questions? He was like, nothing. Oh, no, he did a good job. He was a very sweet boy. And it was fun to watch the movie with him because we made it together and we never actually watched it next to each other. Sure. So I'd say, oh, that was great. This is funny. You did a great job on that. That's a beautiful

shot. And you know, we should, we should on Salekus, but of course he's amazing and wonderful. Very talented. I kept saying, this is a great job there, that's really beautiful. He's an auteur. And you forget how much fun we had. I was like, oh, that was so much fun making that. So it was really a sweet, sweet time, and Patrick Holbert was there both nights, he was great.

Any good questions? Anything pop, stand out? Well, the thing I have a hard time with, and this is what I'm working on in therapy, I'm beaten and dead on the inside. I got brick walls built up around me. I'm living in a chimney. These people, they got, Bennington busts my balls,

and some of the guy goes, how does it, because Tom says very nice things about me in the movie, and he says, how does that make you feel? I feel nothing. Come on, you feel. I've make you feel? I feel nothing. Come on, you feel. I've seen you feel. But I have a hard time getting through to me. Yeah, yeah, I'm similar.

I can't take it. Yes, yes, you're a big force field of jizz and regret. It's because these parents, these horrible parents, they never cry, they never hug, they never say I'm proud of you, they never say I love you. So when someone says something like that, you go, oh, shut up and get away from me. I know, I know. I can't take a compliment. It's brutal. It's terrible. I know, but you got to let them in. Let that little Italian man in your asshole. I try to let it in, but you just go, okay. You just want to deflect. And it's so horrible because all you want is recognition. Then

when you get it, you're like, what are you doing? I know. It's weird. Stop. That's why the comments can, when they're nice, you're like, at least I'm alone. Right. You want to see me go? That's nice. So, but when you're in front of an audience of a theater that just watched your movie, you're like, don't do this to me. Don't butter my bread in front of these queefs.

Yeah. It's tricky. It's hard to take in, but, but I'm a sensitive boy, but I just can't, I wish I could cry. No, you don't wanna be that guy. I'd like to cry sometime. I've tried to muster it, which is a sad moment. When you're at a funeral, you're like. Well I, yeah. Come on cry, it happens.

No, I gotta like think about, you know, Tommy getting killed in Goodfell No, I got to like think about, you know, Tommy getting killed and good fellows. I'm like, but De Niro's like, he's gone. He's gone. Yeah. Uh, but yeah, nothing, nothing works for me, but, uh, it was still a fun, fun night, both fun. And, uh, and Tom, by the way, Dustin turned 50 the night the movie was coming out, which is great. She had a 50th birthday. He was in Greece and, uh, the movie was coming out. Which is great, she had her 50th birthday, he was in Greece, and the movie came out and people seemed to love it, so that's great. Wow, how cool is that sentence? Ah, I'm in Greece and my movie's just airing,

and I'm 50. It's insane, yeah. That's pretty badass. So, and it's fun to watch people hear his act and get to see him be hilarious, and it's playing right now, Houston, Atlanta, Cambridge, Larkspur, California Glenville, Illinois whoa and if you come out hopefully it'll go more places. I love that Bennington bit when he was interviewing you the first time and he

goes uh so Tom Dustin said you're up there with the legends like Carlin, Pryah, Joe List and he's like I know she left that in that was a great line. Well that's the thing and Patrick Holberts he's trying to List, and he's like, I noticed you left that in. That was a great line. Well, that's the thing, and Patrick Holberts, he's trying to take the heat. He's like, I wanted to leave it in, because some of it gets weird, because he's really just blowing me in there. Right, right.

But I keep saying, I mean, I don't want to give too much away so that people haven't seen the movie, but to me, it says more about who Tom is as a person, that he's given this opportunity, and he just talks about how wonderful I am. Oh, that he's given this opportunity and he just talks about how wonderful I am. Oh, he lays it on thicker than Rupert. Well, he's a beautiful man and I love him and I hope he doesn't die.

Well the beauty is you can't cry, you can't show a little emotion in. This guy is Waterworks. It's a nice yin and yang. Right, it's a nice way. But also he's got. It's a nice yin and yang. Right. It's a nice right. But also he's got he's on steroids. He's drunk. If I had a beer and a half, I'd start sobbing to Bob. I'm like Chuck, I love you. I don't mean any of it. You're a beautiful man. I'm sorry I said you rape some people. Mark, you're the funniest guy I ever met in my life. You know what I mean? It's the beer helps. walls. Oh yeah. That's what's great about it.

What do they got? Liquid courage, uninhibited. I mean, it just shows the real you. It pulls down walls and pants. Yes, and panties. That song, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off. Oh, who's that? It's a country song.

Yeah, it's kind of a cute, fun song. Tequila makes her clothes fall off. It's like one of those gay country songs that you don't want to admit, but you're like, that's kind of nice. Yeah, it's kind of a banger. Yeah, it's kind of fun. Yeah, want to talk about me, want to talk about mine.

I'll turn that one up. Yeah, there's a couple. Well, it's Chicken Fried. That song is, you put that song on, I am bopping around. That's Zac Brown, he's got some stuff. How about that Shaboosie? That's a catchy tune. What's that one?

You've heard it. How's it go, Chuck? Oh, God. Good Lord. Another shot of whiskey. Oh, boo, we're getting tipsy. Oh, God. Good Lord. I don't know that one. Oh, it's out there. It's playing at Target right now. Oh, I don't know that one. Oh, yeah. Pipe that one in. All right. Not really. We'll lose all our money.

I like Jerry Jeff Walker. You know that guy? J.J.W. If I could just get over this L.A. freeway without getting called a cop. No, no, I'm still listening to Cotton Eye Joe. Sorry. So I got the mother-in-law coming today. So today? Yeah, she's coming right when we're done. Oh yeah. I don't want her overhearing our queefs and jizz. Now I heard this, I was upstairs visiting with the baby, who I just love and adore, that child.

You've got a good one. Sweet little bag of flour. He's got the little baby chin that sticks out a little. Yes. Just that little. Little leno. You can just grab him by it, and his tongue, I think he really likes me, I gotta tell you. I, that little little Leno. You can just grab him by it and his tongue. I think he really likes me.

I got to tell you, I think so, too. Yeah, it really takes to me. He locks in and the tongue and the smiles and the laugh. Oh, yeah, he does that. I just I think I could really I could see a future with us. But anyways, I'll show them the act. So your wife is going to Tulum? Yeah, for a bachelorette.

Which is a college in New Orleans, of course. And she's just gone for the weekend? Weekend, and this is it. It's me, baby, mother-in-law. So this is gonna be tough. I'm taking it one hour at a time. I mean, that's really, I cannot imagine. I can't imagine, I'm nervous.

The good news is I can go do stuff because she's all baby all the time. So she goes, I'm doing sets, I'm going to see the Tim Robinson movie on Saturday. What's that? What's it called again? Friendship. Oh.

It's kind of a cable guy type. He's like obsessive. Oh, Adam Eaget messaged me and said, this is the funniest thing I've seen since Borat. That's what I heard. And he got me the tickets. Thank you, Eaget. I texted Shane.

He goes, 10 out of 10, unbelievable movie. Wow. So I'm going in hot. Yeah, I forget where I am. Oh, I'm in Rochester. Ah. That would have been fun. We could have done a double date.

I know. Uh-oh. I got an Asian lady going through my garbage Let me see what then here. I guess she's looking for a can or two To hell Brooklyn baby might need a bouncer. She's got her own bag. She's hanging it up on my fence and now she's gonna really Dig well, hopefully she slips of one of those banana peels you've been thrown out there I mean she might steal that too now. Hopefully she just goes through it doesn't fucking Throw it everywhere. No For a moment cans she would can

She's holding the lid up with her head and using both hands together I said there was an HBO short documentary called Redemption about these folks that collect bottles of cans. Oh, really? It was really a beautiful film and quite sad, obviously. Sure. Well, they go in, they turn them in,

they get like 8 cents or something, and you're like, you could just get a job. It's very hard work. This is tough work. Every once in a while, I'll give one of them a few bucks. I'll go, here you go. Because you give them a five bucks That's like a 350 can Exactly. She's got nice kids. Oh

Look at this as long as they put it all back. I'm good when they start just flinging this shit, then I get annoyed I'm gonna tackle this whore. Let me know if you want me to say something. I like the way she's balanced She has a great skill. She's balancing the lid with the top of her head while working two arms. Okay, yeah, the Asians are ninjas. They're very skilled people. Oh, she's got it. She's putting it back.

As long as she puts it back. Oh, she went in the other thing. Okay, okay. She's taking that. What is that? That was a bag. She's taking a bag of mine. Oh, an old bag.

That's her. An old bag with an old bag. There you go. All right, she's pumped. It's a nice food bag. And she's closing the bag of mine. Oh, an old bag. That's her. An old bag with an old bag. There you go. All right, she's pumped. It's a nice food bag. And she's closing the gate behind her. Okay, I like the respect. Well, the Asians are a very respectful people.

They have honor. Absolutely. All right. She's stabbing herself in the stomach with a knife. She's falling on her sword. She found nothing. Naga Nagasaki. Not gonna work here anymore.

But anyways, what the hell are we talking about? Oh yeah, so you have your mother-in-law, it's crazy. I know, I'm nervous. It's not gonna be easy. Now do you have the thought, when your wife leaves town, do you think, why don't I sneak a woman up the back entrance and just kiss her on the lips? Well, I got the mother-in-law already.

There's a woman in the house. Yeah, that's true. And your future, you're looking right at your future. Oh, God. Jesus, we gotta wrap this up here. You're bumming me out. Where are you gonna be there, Dick? When my wife leaves, right away,

I'm in the underwear drawer, I'm in her diary, I got her dildo three inches up my ass. Oh, yeah, the vibrators in my mouth I will be jerking it, but it sucks I'll be jerking it quietly because I don't want mom-in-law to hear me Well, you got a big-ass house. Where do you how far away you guys sleeping? You know different floors. Yeah, there you go four floors of horse, so I'll be rubbing one somewhere Alright, so next go. Four floors of horror, so I'll be rubbing one somewhere. All right, so next weekend, I believe, no, this is May 12th, this weekend, this weekend,

this is Keppardy. I am in Cleveland, hilarities, Cleveland, Ohio, one of the great fucking clubs in the world. Please fill it up and fill it out. And then the movie is playing all the places, TomDustinDoc.com. And of course, my comedy special is playing in movie theaters across America.

Way more theaters than you'd think. JoelistSmallball.com, it's called Small Ball, May 21st. Fill it up, go see it in a theater, it'll be fun. Get popcorn and candy and watch some standup comedy. It's a good special. Yes. And it'll be fun. I can't wait to see it. I've seen all of them. How about that? Yeah, that's pretty cool. Collect all four. This is May 12th? Yes, sir. All right. I'll be all over that UK by this time. So come on out to Glasgow, London, you name it. What's the other one? Cardiff, Bristol. Then we're off back in New

York so come say hello. I might do some Long Island dates just to make a couple bucks. Then I'm going to Rochester, Portchester, Albany and what's that called there? Vermont, Burlington, Vermont. God's country. What are Burlington Vermont God's country That's the 14th of June Oh, I got in early don't go to Wisconsin Green Bay and Wausau Eugene, Oregon San Jose, California a and then we'll be off to Connecticut we love Connecticut we raved about them today. And Australia. And New Zealand.

Australia! Good day, mate. What do you got? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We are doing a live show at the Comedy Connection East Providence, Rhode Island on Sunday, June 1st. Last time we did one, a ton of Tuesdays came out. It was very fun. If you're around Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Connecticut, come on out, Comedy Connection, May 1st, in Providence, Rhode Island, funvariablepod.com for the tickets.

Here, here. Thank you folks, we'll see you all in hell. Queep it up, praise Allah. Patreon. Oh yeah, get on the Patreon. You got some good stuff cooking. For the love of Christ, yeah. Yeah! Oh yeah, get on the Patreon. We got some good stuff cooking.