Tuesdays with Stories! - #605 New Tariff in Town

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

Dirty Stories! Too dirty to write in the description. Trust me. Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew free. Use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays - Get 50% off plus free shipping on your first Factor box. Use code TUESDAYS50OFF at https://www.factormeals.com/TUESDAYS50OFF

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with Stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't tell what I'm watching. Yeeeeeeah! Here we are! Giddy up little doggy! Yeah, little doggy!

You gotta get a pet. The baby says, hey, I want a pet, god damn it. What pet are you getting? Goldfish, lock stock, and two smoking barrels. Yeah, well, goldfish, they die, but they're easy. They're just there. Yeah, well, we already got the bobcat. I forgot you have a cat.

We got the lynx, the cougar. I forget. The old apartment, the cat was just there. Oh, he was there He was right up my ass eating milk out of my cum Differentiate the milk from the semen I got milk right in there, but wow I just you never see him anymore Hey, he's living he's living large up down left right We live in the backyard for a minute like hey go be free enjoy the sunshine

He jumped immediately on the fence and I had to grab his ass he was about to go over the fence and never see him again oh I'd be the best that ever happened to me it's like an El Salvadorian well these he's not gonna be any of these houses around here they're not gonna treat him so well lady go to your bottles and cans that'll eat that fucking thing lady go into your bottles and cans that'll eat that fucking thing for lunch. That's true. Call back. Yeah, imagine if I had a dog.

He'd be really gone. Bitten by a dog with a rabid tooth. Went to his grave just a little too soon. That dog don't hunt. Well, yeah, you got the cat, I guess. That's exciting. I think I'd like a dog. I like a dog.

Really? You hate dogs. When did this change? I've liked dogs for a long time. I don't like a dog. I like a dog. Oh yeah. You hate dogs. When did this change? I've liked dogs for a long time. I don't like strange dogs. I don't like fucking... Ah. Hate that. Hate that. When I was a kid I would go all the way around the block just to avoid a dog in a fence. Of course. Brutal. Hate the dog. And we had a dog, Teddy, that was the neighbor's dog. He would chase a fucking car up to every single car. We had a dog, Teddy, that was the neighbor's dog. He would chase a fucking car up to every single car. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr.

And you'd lay out. Teddy. God. Fuck Teddy. And dogs take on the disposition of their owner. So I'd have like a cool, rad dog. Right. He'd be all like, hey, what's up man?

Yeah. Shit. Yeah, bad teeth, he'd have bad eyes. But don't let him run a brownie. You eat, that dog eats a brownie. That's curtains for the pup. Well, I think you have to eat a lot of chocolate. Isn't that a bit of a misnomer?

I think they got to eat like three pounds of chocolate. I thought it was like a Hershey Kiss would knock that fucker right in the dirt. They love a kiss. I had a miniature Shelty who got into an after-move. Shelby? It's like a Lassie. Ah. Yeah, so anyway, the dog ate like a bunch of chocolate.

And so we were flipping out. We called the vet and the vet was like, your dog has to eat like it's weight and chocolate. Oh, it's weight. Well, for a 40 pound dog, maybe. I don't know. That's what the vet said, though. That's a lot of chocolate. It's a lot of gum. I mean, wow, that much. I thought it was like a Easter bunny would do it.

Cause I've eaten 180 pounds worth of chocolate. There goes 180 pounds of the chocolate right off the window. But this is the worst thing, cause our show has gotten more racist since you moved here. That's true. Cause everything's black lady this, Asian guy that. I feel like I buy some goodwill cause I live here. I'm in the heart of darkness, so you can't call me

a racist if I'm amongst them. That's what I said. I moved to Harlem. I packed. I mean, this is years ago. Obviously, I would never do that now. But back when I had nothing going for me and it's a big ansel, I moved right in there, lock, stock and barrel. Oh yeah. What was that, a year ago? No, that was, what year was that? Oh wait. That was before we were friends.

Oh nine, 2009. I lived at 127th and St. Nicholas. Whoa, St. Nick. Yep, those were good times. Yeah, that's Santa Claus, right? Yeah. St. Nick. Yeah.

He's got a couple names, St. Nick, Santa Claus. Chris Crinkle. Chris Crinkle, Noel, Noel. Noel. Well that might be Christmas, actually. Then there. Chris Crinkle. Chris Crinkle, Noel, Noel. Noel. Well, that might be Christmas, actually. Then there's Chris Tinkle. That was a comedian. Oh, he's a comic, yeah.

Is he around? No. What happened to him? He gave it up. Smart man. There was a place when I lived in Harlem, I'm gonna get into some old Harlem stories, because we're filming back to back episodes

in the same day, because you're moving to America, or England, I mean. Sure. Which Ari is too. Has he announced that? He's just moving to England. Is that secretive? I don't know what he's announced.

He's gay now. He's not even Jewish. A lot of stuff's come out on Ari. But I lived up there. And I loved these businesses. This made me laugh for years. I'm still laughing at it. Some of these foreign businesses, people

will move here from another country, of course. Oh, the best. And then they'll just name their place. They're like, okay, there was a place that sold pizza. It was like a pizza joint, but they also had a grill where they would make burgers. Okay. And the name of the place was Slice Bun. Slice Bun.

Slice Bun. Asian, I take it? I think it was Indian or Middle Eastern. Oh, I like that. But you can tell they come here like, ah, Slice Bun. That's great. Slice Bun. that's the name of the business. It doesn't make any sense, cause it's not slices and buns.

No, no. Just Slice Bun. Good for him. I wonder if it's still there. Can we get a Google on that? Slice Bun Harlem. Well, the Asians are the best cause it's like, food time or like eat face, you know?

They just add two words. Their English is all wacky. Slice bun was the best. It fucking would make me laugh so hard. Me and my former girlfriend, it was a wonderful lady. Slice bun. I put slice bun. It didn't come up, but it says slice by Harlem.

I don't know. No, no. They changed it. I don't know. It didn't come up at all. It was right over by the George Carlin Street they named the street after him later because he grew up in kind of Harlem Morningside Heights over there which tree were you I was on 127 Wow that's right in the meat

oh yeah you got the Apollo on 25 I was right down the street from the Apollo and I lived there when Michael Jackson died which must have been sometime at 09 and it was a big thing over there they had a big what do you call that when someone dies? Funeral procession? No, memorial. Memorial. But what's that called? When you see someone hit a telephone pole and they put up a roadside. Candlelight vigil? Yeah vigilanteante. Oh, a shrine! Yeah, shrine maybe. Shriner. Shriners.

What are the Shriners? They're guys in silly hats that raise money for kids? Yeah, they got a small car. I think so. I think it's a men's club. It's like, hey, we gotta get away from the wife, we'll say it's for kids. Which is similar to the Compass. What are those people? Engineer. Freemasons. Ah, I never got that either. They fuck each other?

My grandfather was a Freemason and I got his Freemason book. They cleaned out his old house. And I have the book. It's almost like AA. It's like we do this, we serve, but I think Christ is involved. But basically I think they sit around and drink booze. Is that Coconut Grove? That's a thing, right? Where they all elephant walk and wear a hood and pray. I don't know. Then there's the Yale Club that George Bush was in. They're like this... Oh yeah.

What's that called? That club at Yale? Stonecutters. Stone Masons? Stone Mason. Mason Jar. Mason Jar. Wow. What's that? No, it's called the, the Homo buddies. Perry Mason.

The Butt Pals. It's a secret club at Yale. George W. Bush pledged, and it's a bunch of presidents. They think it's like Illuminati, these people. Yes, yes, I've heard of this. What's that called? Oh, I know what you're talking about.

The Yale, maybe it's just the Yale club, the Yale. It's a bunch of honkies that get together and drink and. Well, Yale, yeah, it's a bunch of rich. You know it, you got the goog. Possible it's Skull and Bones? Yeah! That's the one, Skull and Bones. Skull and Bones, there it is.

Yes. Yeah, they sit in the basement and they rape kids or something, I don't know. Oh, I gotta sign up for that. How do you get in? I think just a toy. You bring a toy. You borrow a toy from the Shriners.

You go over to Skull and Bones and say, hey, I got some bait. I'll tell you, if you're a fat pedo, that ice cream truck is your move. Because you get the ice cream and the kid, best of both. Absolutely. And the music. Deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-lee-lee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee- Broadway and Caroline. So I would do my two spots a week. Yeah, but you still you could stay, you didn't even have to go to lower Manhattan. No, no, I was never downtown. What was nice about living on 127th is I could take the A or D train to 59th, no stops. That's nice. And all the time I would be on the train going home and I would see

like white people with roadmaps being like, because they got on the express train by accident. And I was like the guy who would be like, you got to walk upstairs cross and they'd be like, because they got on the express train by accident. And I was like, the guy who would be like, you got to walk upstairs, cross. And they'd be like, oh my god, we're in Harlem. We're going to die. And I'm like, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about it. Remember that old Louie bit? People just assume when you walk into Harlem,

they just stab you in the face. Right. Every white guy's terrified. Well, I had friends like that. And I won't name names, because some of them are public figures. But we make a lot of jokes about race here, obviously. But we're goofing.

I assume everyone is aware of that. Joking around. Just. But I had a couple of friends that would not come to my house you're out of your mind I'm not going there and they're like how do I get there and this is pretty lift oh yeah it's like should I jog from the train station I'm like what are you out of your mind just come over the cabbie sometimes like I'm not going up there what are you crazy oh yeah it's New York what are we doing here? But yeah, the only thing I'll say about Harlem,

it's a beautiful place. It's old. It's New York-y. It's got the brownstones and the brown people. But a lot of dog shit on the street. A lot of not picking up the boom boom from the pup pup. Right, right. I mean, there's some stuff. It's a different

kind of thing up there. Yeah. It's definitely a bit, it's a lot different than where I live now. I could say that. Oh, you got that right. Well down where I'm now, but you got to come over. I mean, it is, I live in a neighborhood with the hottest fucking women in the hottest outfits. They all got healed leather,ed Gucci shoes and straps and things and the button down here. Look at Chuck's eyebrow just perked up. I mean it is just sex fest. Oh man. All day. And then now I'm on the Esplanade. It's all women in sports bras and booty short. You can see pussy lips jogging around. Oh mama. It's all women in sports bras and booty short. You can see pussy lips jogging around.

Oh, mama sita. Insane, because you go inside the mall, business women in business attire. Outside, it's workout. It's the two hottest things. Right. Right, you get the best of both anils. But here's the thing.

The sun is out these days. There's something about cleavage, shoulders, clavicle, thigh, calf, beautiful thing. You get the mid-drift. I mean, something just about a little ladies' skin can alleviate depression. It really does, and or cause it, because I'm like, let me fucking touch you. Oh, that's true. It gets you all keyed up. You get angry. I said that the other day to one of them when she was upset. And now I'm interacting with women all day,

because I'm the only dad that's out there with a baby. It's all nannies and grannies. So everyone I'm talking to is like a lady. And everyone just gets more attractive. I'm talking to fat Mexican nannies. And I'm like, I wouldn't mind coming right between the tits. Oh, yeah. I might put my dick in that garbage can, just so the Asian lady has to look at it

But yeah, it's true. But my friend said you ever feel depressed and then it's a sunny day in New York and you're like Oh, yeah, it was just gray for three months. I had this same with cleavage I said that exact thing two days ago get out of here. Yes, cuz I woke up feeling like I'm a piece of shit I suck my life sucks. My wife sucks. I'm an asshole. My head's too big. My dick's too small. Walked outside. Flowers are blooming. And I go, I've never been happier in my whole life. I don't know what I'm talking about. It's a beautiful city. When that tree starts getting the, the, the Levi, the foliage, it's just like, oh yeah, this city's awesome. Marv Levi. Yeah. Well, that's the thing with Seattle, the Pacific Northwest, which is the best in the summer.

And I thought about moving there at a time in my life, but it's fucking low, overcast, rainy all day every day. Yeah, plus Amazon just raped that whole city. They shut down all this other shit. They brought in apartments, they brought in Amazon warehouses, and now half of them are empty. Right.

Thanks a lot, Bezu. Yeah, you son of an onion. Thanks a lot, Bezu. Yeah, you son of an onion. Oh yeah, but going out on the road, going to San Jose and stuff, so I'm excited. I like to get out there. I love it. Well, I'm in Rochester. Well, it'll be good weather at least. Yeah, maybe. Rochester's fucking dangerous though. I rented a car. I'm gonna go to the House of guitars. Nice. They give me a free shirt. There's that one strip called Park Ave. I think it's very nice with the big mansions. Oh, by the way, the Kodak guy, John Kodak, whatever his name is. Okay. Jeffrey Kodak killed himself. I think a gay

man. I don't know anything about this. Tell me more about this. Kodak. Death. He made the city. He put the city on the map. Kodak is Rochester. I didn't know that. I believe Bausch and Loam as well. They were like a big boom town with this technology. Kodak, the film, employed zillions of people. Guy hung himself in his own mansion. What year?

I guess when the digital camera came out. Is that right? I think he was like like shit. What am I doing here? But now film is cool again and Polaroids. Yeah, but it ain't the same. I mean film was everything I know and then the the digital and he goes that's not gonna last it's like AI, you know It just came in and shut it all down. Oh, I'm scared of that AI. Oh god. Tell me about it We're godders anal intrusionusion. Alan Iverson. But yeah, so he hung himself, but I think he was a homo, homeowner, and I think he was, he died alone. No wife, no kids,

no barking. It's possible. But are you one of the people that think everyone's gay? Because I'm getting to that age. Because sometimes my, I was going to say my wife, but I'll say my aunt is one of the people that thinks everyone's gay. Maybe he's gay. Anyone that drinks is gay.

Yeah. Maybe he's gay. Maybe that guy's gay. Yeah, because they're drunk. Maybe that's why he's drinking, because he's secretly gay. And I'm like, well, I was an alcoholic. I'm not gay. Right, right.

I just want cum in the back of my throat. Yeah. Once or twice. It's a white Russian. Exactly. No, my wife's the same way. She's like, oh, you see the way he sits? That's a big classic closeted homo right there.

My mother's the same way. I mean, I'll tell you who off stage, but my mother's met every comic under the sun. Yes. Like half of them, she's like, he's homo. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's a New England thing. My wife's the same way.

And she'll be like, this guy's getting married, but he's gay. I'm like, he's been married to this, he's been engaged to this woman. He fucks everybody. He's a hot guy. Women love him. And she's like, ah, he's gay. What are you crazy? Who would be, who's someone we know you'd be least surprised if they were gay?

Least surprised. Besides Chuck, yeah. Yeah, Chuck's on a high up on there. What about Bussard? Is he gay? Maybe. Good to know he's very handsome, he dresses well. Yeah, he's a hunk, he's ripped.

Well she's- Swims. He's on the list of people the wife say. He's got a cat. Oh yeah, cat. Maybe I'm gay. Yeah. Shit. Well you're getting more and more well dressed. I don't care, I find it off-putting. Yeah.

Is that right? I think you might be gay. That's what you got a collar on. Yeah. You got a collar, a new tee, new sneaks. I think it's a little gay. All right. Maybe I'm gay.

I'm out. Good thing. Oh, I'd love to be gay. My life would be easier. Oh, I'd kill to be gay. The glory holes and the grinder. These guys go, where are you at? I'm to be gay. The glory holes and the grinder. These guys go, where are you at? I'm 10 feet away. All right, I'll blow you and then I'll never talk to you again.

I know. What a paradise. It's a paradise and I was talking to somebody, all these stories are nameless people, but I was talking to one homo and he's like, I've hooked up with 450 people. I've had sex with six women and two of them I'm related to. This guy's blown 500 men. I know, on a Friday. It's fucking nuts.

It's crazy. Just piles have come everywhere. It's proximity. Well, it shows how not fun women are. We could all be living in hell, I mean heaven, with all we all be blowing each other. Ladies, you like sex? Let's just meet in the bathroom. Beep, boop, boop, boop, boop. Hey, you crazy who, whore, I'm four feet away from you. I'll see you in the urinal. Plow, plow, plow. Adios. It's so frustrating. I say it all the time.

Every time I'm on the road, Matt Wayne and I will be walking around and you'll see a woman, you go, come on's you want to go up I'm a totally normal guy look yeah I'm a regular guy right let's go to my room we'll fuck I'll make sure you come I promise you'll come you'll have a great time I'll come in your hair you brush it out I got a brush and then you leave you go on your day I'm talking eight minutes. What's the downside? Who cares? Yeah, jizz at the airport. I'll see you at terminal 8. I'll bone you and then we'll go to baggage claim And we don't have to ever talk again. I'm getting my dicks getting hard just thinking about it

I know I can feel it just just come on Let's just make out and then we'll believe and I've had that happen one time on the road I was at Indianapolis years ago 58 years ago, and I was at some fucking like Panera bread or some shit. And this woman, this is like a chubby woman and she looked sad and I literally was like, you okay? And she's like, well I'm going through some stuff. I'm sorry. And I was like, well you're a good person, whatever. And then I had a beer. We ended up going to some sake restaurant, some Japanese bullshit.

Wait, wait, what? Just kept going and hanging out? Well, we were at, it wasn't Panera Bread. It was a bar restaurant. It might've been TGI Fridays or something, but we were at the bar. Okay. And I was having day drink,

cause by the way, just alone drinking beer as a feature act. I had some problems, obviously. I've been there. But just drinking alone, like, oh, I'm a burger and a beer. And I had no money. It was so fucking stupid. But she was, and we started talking.

Sure. And then she's like, well, do you want to go over there? I love Japanese food. And I pretended I did too. I'm like, well, I'm full, but you know me, nothing I love more than sushi. And dog. So we go over there and then we had sake.

Ah, sake bomb. And went back to my room and we ended up fucking. And then she was going through some stuff. She was crying afterwards. She was like, this is crazy. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm supposed to be at work and I have a business meeting. Jeez.

And then I was like on the chair, the hotel, like I hope you leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ideally. That wasn't an ideal situation, but it was a random Thursday day. It was fucking crazy. I mean, she was not a hot. She looked like Chuck if he shaved his legs but kept the facial hair. Oh, but yeah, it was, it was weird and crazy, but it was like one of those things. I'm like, that was great. I just got laid in the middle

of the day. Yeah. You get one of those in a lifetime, that's great I just got laid in the middle of the day. Yeah you get one of those in a lifetime I think and that was yours. It was also sad and I fucked a lot of women that were like quite sad afterwards. That's not a good sign. You're a rock bod. Well because I had no game so I'd see people that were like I'm a sensitive boy so I'd try to console and then they'd be like you're such a nice nerdy piece of shit. Yeah. Non-threatening. Yeah. Yeah. That is a, that is a wild day. It's almost like a, that scene in a clockwork orange

where you just meet some girls at a bar and then they show them banging in the right. That would happen every now and then, you know, cause it was pre Tinder pre internet. So you had to go up and chat and sometimes you get laid out of it. I'm so sad. I missed out on the Tinder and the stuff. I think I really could have done okay. Wild ride. Yeah, you could have done good because it's all texting. You go, this is going well on Tinder. We should get exchanged numbers and then chit chat via text or a phone call and you can

really show the wit. Right. You can really get whimsical and comedy and all that and you're in because it's a bunch of bankers and Jews out there. They go, oh, what are you wearing today? And they go, fuck this guy. But you get a couple of zingers in there. It's a game changer.

No, it's crazy. I mean, Chuck gets laid, which is insane. And I see people all the time just getting laid, these dorks. I know. Now I got straight teeth. I got a little bank. I'm in pretty good shape for a 43 year old. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

You've been on television. All over the TV. You've been on Predator. I know Jimmy Fallon, I know Louis CK. That can't hurt. No, people, women love Louis. So I think I can do OK. So hopefully, my wife.

She'll get hit by lightning or a. Or just leaves town for a day. Or that, or that or that that works But yeah, it's a it's a it's a tough time for the the couples they say men and women aren't getting along so you could slide in and Change that I get along very well with women. I like women love the ladies. I prefer the company of women They don't love the pod. I don't think a few I prefer the company of women. They don't love the pod. I don't think

Minneapolis there was a few babe arouse. Whoa, there's a guy that's a couple there's one like hot lady I forget her name, but she's like hot and she's like, oh, I'm your biggest fan. Oh my god. I love you Yeah, and I'm like, oh, okay great. Very nice cuz my wife isn't like you're so funny. I love you I just think you're the best. She's just kind of like, oh yeah, thanks for being here. You ever do that, you ever come in? Sometimes I'll walk in after the road, and she's like, all right, here's the baby, and I just go, I show her the check. Just because I want her to go, Jesus,

hey, look at you providing. I just want the acknowledgement, Jerry. Right. My wife always says my dad would be so impressed, which is nice, but you're like, ah, I'd like you to be impressed. Yeah. Yeah, what about you?

Why's your dad here? We're fucking. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. I'm not going to fuck him. Well, whatever, you know, you got to mix it up. Would you fuck a dead body if it was fresh? Like you come home, your wife is dead, she just died.

Oh, her? Yeah. Oh, that's loud. Yeah, that's consens wife. I think. Yeah. Like you're there, you're present. So, you know, she just like she's sitting there. She grabs her chest. She, you know, heels go up in the air, falls back. Right.

And she's turned slightly blue. Well, I think before the paramedics come, you can get a quickie in. Yeah, I think so. Or at least come on the face a little bit and wipe it off. I think so. Better than the open casket you don't do it then. Bam see ya sister. But yeah I think there was a one guy in Russia his wife he was obsessed he loved his wife the soul mate she died he had her stuffed and kept her at the house. Is that right? And he would bang the shit out of her. But the stuffing must be all dry and,

what'd they stuff her with? Fucking jelly? Another gum. No, I think she stuffed up, you know, like a taxiderm, but the vag is still itself. That's not hooked up. What do you mean? That doesn't, it doesn't still secrete.

No, but you could throw a little lube or K in there. I guess so, yeah. You gotta hose it out every now and then so it doesn't get moldy. Sure. Yikes. This is a dark ep. Yeah, this is a weird one.

We can't do two episodes in a day. This is no good. What are we, crazy? It's kind of like a live episode where we bomb four jokes and we just go, uh, fuck a kid. Yeah. We just panic. We have to go to the filthiest thing

because we're trying to get a reaction. Let's clean it up a little. Cleaning it up. OK, we're cleaning it up. How about that? Trans-kin I saw yesterday Let me think about some sex stuff Gotta have some crazy stories of our youth Yeah, let me see. I like the bang the girl you met at a bar that that was that's very

Nostalgic yeah, because that shit does not fly in today's world But it's it's frustrating because I talked to the wife's friends and they're like Oh, I just need to get laid and you're like You could get laid. She's like, oh, it's so hard as a woman You got to like go out and do all get dressed up I'm like you could put on sweatpants go to a bar get laid don't give me this hard shit Yeah, the problem is women want to fuck who they want to fuck they want to fuck a really handsome boy a good guy That's why I had so much trouble I think but sure what I had a good luck in Indiana with Indian app

Indiana people because I had sex with another woman this was in Boston What do you a Hoosier and she was from Indiana? And I've told this story before maybe years ago, and I feel terrible about this I had sex with another woman. This was in Boston. What do you, a Hoosier? And she was from Indiana. And I've told this story before, maybe years ago. And I feel terrible about this. But we met at a bar at the Hong Kong. We were drinking scorpion bowl races, the whole thing, which was a blast.

And got drunk. And her friends were like, she was with a group of girls. Oh, boy. And they were like, he's so fun and funny and goofy. And she invited me back to her hotel. We went back, had sex. And in the middle of it, she starts crying. She goes, I'm married. She was like newly married. Oh, yeah. He was at a good set. It was, uh, oh yeah. She did. I think she did see me at a show. I'm it was a company, I'm remembering now,

I think it was like a company party, like she was there for a work thing, and then we ended up going out with them. Sure. And I think she'd only been married like a year and a half. Wow. And she was like, this is terrible, oh my god. And I felt terrible, I'm like, oh, sorry.

Yeah, you didn't know. I didn't, and people were like, well, didn't you see the ring? But I was like 23 years old. Right. I'm not like, at that point. You're such a child. Yeah, I wasn't like oh a ring now Now I'm married I'm older. It's like I'm more Conscious of it. I guess sure like I just I was a woman they wear rings. I never noticed a woman's ring No, and uh, she was like I'm married. I can't take this back. I think about her all the time. Yeah

Maybe they're divorced. I imagine they're divorced. She's out there somewhere. It was literally 20 years ago, but I'm like I'm this woman's like Lifetime regret. Yeah, she lives maybe they have kids now. She lives this thing of like oh one time I fucked a lanky nerd. Yeah after a show and it ruined my life and a cranky nerd after a show. And it ruined my life. And it's horrible because as a man, in a relationship, you're like, oh, this guy's like, his wife just fucked around on him with me, drunk me.

Yeah, yeah. And it was a bummer. And I remember waking up in the hotel, she was like passed out sleeping, and I was just in a hotel and I had to go find my car. I had a ticket, because it was one of those things where you get drunk and stay at someone's place. I remember just walking and being like,

oh, that sucks. Yeah. Because it's like the thing we're talking about where you're like, why don't we just go fuck? And then you realize they're like, I'm married, oh my God, I can't. She was like, I can't take this back. And I'm like, oh my god, I'm sorry.

That is dark. Yeah, it was terrible. I had a tough one, not that bad. But I was in Atlanta at the Laughing Skull. So you know this is a while ago. And I met this gal. There was a daughter and a mom. And the mom was newly divorced.

So she's like, I'm trying to take my daughter out. I'll be a fun mom. Daughter was probably like 22, and the mom was probably 48 but very attractive. We ended up having a drink after. She comes back to the the hotel. We bang. Bloody mess. I guess she still could bench straight. Sure. Bloody mess. Yeah I try to be hey you're good I don't care we're all having fun. I'll war paint this shit. I don't give a fuck. Yeah I really don't care. You try to be, hey, you're good, I don't care, we're all having fun, I'll war paint this shit. I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, I really don't care. You try to be supportive, because they're so embarrassed. And you go, no, you're good. She goes, I should leave, I should leave, the bed is just crime scene. So I go, ah, you're fine, you can stay if you want, but I'm flying out tomorrow, just letting you know. But you can stay if you want, I got a nice room here. She goes, I'm out of here.

She parked her car down the street, whatever. So I go, all right, I'll see you. This was great. Hope we can keep in touch, whatever. I pass out. I wake up to catch my flight. Beep, beep, beep. I've got nine million missed calls, 800 texts. She got towed. So this poor woman is a bloody mess. She goes out, she's a mom. She goes out, the car's gone. So she tried to get back up, but I was already out. I was done. Right.

So then she had to call the ex-husband. Oh. Oh my God, he picked her up. He goes, what are you doing? She's got the torn brassieres, she's got my kisses all over and she's just, legs are red like a shark attack and this guy had to pick her up. She's like, now he knows what I did.

He's coming after you. And oh boy, and I'm just like, whew. All right, getting on that flight. Well, that's what's scary is these like husbands, ex-husband you're like, I didn't, don't leave me alone. I know. It's just some crazy coos I banged. I didn't know about your fucking life together.

She was trying to get laid. She ate my ass, which was strange. Oh, wow. I think she was really like, I'm living. I'm single now. And I remember she was in the bed. She went, put my legs up like a toddler. And she would baby powder on my balls.

Well, that's fun. And yeah, you get nasty. I'm like that. I get nasty all of a sudden. You got to get nasty. All of a sudden, you get crazy. It's like we were talking about with emotion. Like you get, oh'm like that, I get nasty all of a sudden. You gotta get nasty. All of a sudden you get crazy. It's like we were talking about with emotion, like you get, oh, there's May.

I just go like, fuck it, like just eat ass. When I'm like, before I've come, I will eat anything. Same. I'm not a picky eater. Same. You give me sushi, cum, dog hair, I'll just eat it. That could be a bit. Maybe you're right. That's when your wife's cooking,

you're all keyed up, just shoves that lasagna in your face, you're like, all right, I'll just eat it that could be a bit maybe right that's when your wife's cooking You're you're all keyed up just shoves that lasagna in your face. You're like, all right, I'll eat it cuz I'm Passionate right now. Yeah, if I'm horny. Yeah, you want me to get me to eat vegetables put them in your twat There you go. That's hell of a zucchini. Suck a zucchini right out of there, right? I went zucchini too. It's a funny word. It is Zucchini we had half an hour? Jesus Christ. I thought we were done. There's a lot of content we just put out here. Well, let me think of what else I got.

It is crazy that I never put it together. I've had two Indiana women who cried. I know. Something in the water over there and I think it's your semen. Well, and I was thinking about it too. The thing is that the woman who's married, that has nothing to do with me. She made those decisions. Of course, of course. You didn't's married that has nothing to do with me. She made those decisions. Of course, of course. You didn't know. She went out, she got drunk, she decided to

hook up with the comedian, brought me back and that's on her. I don't, I gotta put down this baggage of feeling bad about that. Well you didn't notice that she had to tell you, I'm married. So how did you know until she told you? You're already you know backed and up and out the door. Oh don't get me wrong also if she had been like hey I'm married and I want to cheat on my husband with you I would be like okay that's good boy that's neat. Hey folks two stories brought to you by BetterHelp. When you've got gossip that's too hot to serve during poker night it's time to take it to a professional. BetterHelp has you covered with therapy that's 100% online. They've got over 10 years of experience in matching people with the right therapist and more than 30,000 licensed therapists

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some breakfast or on-the-go lunches and guilt-free snacks and desserts to your order. Get started at FactorMeals.com slash Tuesdays 50 off. Use code Tuesdays 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code Tuesdays 50-O-F-F at FactorMeals.com slash Tuesdays 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping. What a steal. You gotta do it, Factor. Well, how about this one? I remember I was in New Orleans and I hooked up with a lady and she was way out of my league. I was super into her. I was so lucky. I remember it was one of those, it's like that Chris Rock joke, like, damn, it's my lucky day, you know? And that's how I felt. She was a very attractive lady, and I was like,

I fell for her because we had this great sex and she was so hot and I couldn't believe it. I remember I was in the hotel bed and she was like, I'm going to take a shower. And I was like, oh my God, I can't believe it. I've never had sex with a woman this hot. Holy shit. It's very exciting. The feeling of knowing you're about to get laid is better. Even still now, as a married man, when my wife is like, we'll have sex, let me go freshen up real quick. I'm laying in bed being like, it's about to happen.

I'm about to fuck. It's like a coke heads. They say the best part is getting the coke. Right. Once you got the coke, you hate yourself, you're hungover, you're gay, but that getting it, ooh. Right. That's when the endorphins. you're hungover, you're gay, but that getting it, ooh! That's when the endorphins.

So, whatever, we hook up, blah, blah, blah. Two days later, I'm like, I'm gonna text the love of my life. She was so sexy and pretty, and I go, what are you up to? And she goes, oh, I forgot I gave you my number. And I'm like, oh, yeah, you're damn right you did. I'd love to see you again. And she goes, I gotta be honest with you. I only fucked you to get back at another comic

because I banged you because you're a comic and he likes your comedy. So I fucked you to get to him. Wow, that's hot. Well, I guess, but I was like, ah, I thought we had something. Well, that's a- I was a child. That's a bummer, but I would make it up. I'd be like, oh, he thought we had something. I was a child. That's a bummer, but I would make it up.

I'd be like, oh, he just called you a cunt on Facebook. You live in it, he'll get me back over there. I should have done that. Yeah, yeah, he's doing a bit about you being a fat slut, so you better get over here and blow me to really teach him a lesson. Damn, too late to do that? Let me ask, I don't think so.

Let me ask you this, because this is the million dollar question. Maybe we should bring May down here. Eh, bad idea. What are you like, what are you like in bed? Because everyone I know talks about this. Are you silly?

Do you get serious? Because I just picture you going, hey, why do they call it a vagina? They should call it a bag-gina. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, are you like pointing at her tits and then being like woohoo?

No, no, I'm all business. Because this is hard to picture you. I picture you rubbing your chin and putting your finger in the air when you come. I mean, what goes on? After I'm Charlie Chaplin, I'm doing back flips and all that, and I don't talk. But during it, I am Daniel Day-Lewis.

But so are you serious? Are you whispering, hey, I love you, you fucking piece of shit? Oh, no, I love you. No emotion. But it's like you said you're You know, I'm all keyed up it's hard for me to picture you earnestly fucking and I try a video please do I would love that. Yeah, it's a I think that's why some ladies like it cuz they're like, oh, he's a big goofball queef douche and then in bed. I'm fucking Wow they're like, Oh, he's a big goofball, queef douche. And then in bed, I'm fucking.

Wow. De Niro and raging bull. You're doing the thumb and the clit, the finger. You better believe it. I got a big list. Because I always hear you're terrible in bed from all the women. But yeah.

Was it a known comic? No. I'll tell you later, but no one knows who he is. Oh, OK. But yeah, these gals, they'll use sex to get things where I'm just trying, we're just trying to get laid. Right. We're not, we don't have the ability to, we don't get laid enough to use it, to get stuff.

Right. Our bang has no power. Her bang has power. What's the hottest sex situation you can think of? Because that's a hot one to me, like a revengey thing. She was something else. I mean, she was way out of my league. Like a woman who just broke up and wants to get back out there and hasn't fucked anyone else in a while. That's hot. I'll tell you one. I was in high school and a girl was, she was a hot Latina. And she goes, my boyfriend's in the next room, let's hook

up and to me that was the hottest thing because it was scary. This guy was like a fucking MS-13 motherfucker. He would have killed me. Yikes, that was photoshopped. I have the photo, you want to see it? Alright, that was a crazy interview. It sure was. So that was hot and she put, I'll never forget, we were in the kitchen of a house party. She's like, he's in the next room, he's flirting with some girl, fuck him.

She found marshmallow cream, like Stay Puff or whatever you call that puff and stuff. Fluff! Fluff and nutter! Fluff! Peanut butter and fluff. She found the fluff and she put it on her neck. Cause I was like, I don't know about this,

if boyfriend's in the next room, this is crazy. She put the fluff on her neck, and first of all, it's free food. So I just went in, I just went full vampire. I'm kissing the neck, she's like, I'm so turned on. We went into a closet, we hooked up, and then we finished, and the closet door opened, and he was there. And I go, hey, there's the graham crackers. I tried to play it off, people know my hair was all fucked up, And I go, ah, there's the graham crackers.

I tried to play it off, people know my hair was all fucked up, my dick was out to here, and my makeup was ruined. But yeah, yeah, he was like, what's going on here? And she was like, shut up, Billy. And he was like, you bitch. And I just slinked right out of there. I went under the carpet, under the door, like Bugs Bunny.

And I got the hell out of there. We were drinking Mad Dog 2020. I mean, I'll never forget. That's crazy. That just reminded me of people, fuck it, the old sex stories, because I was just telling this story. I was with my best friend and his wife,

but I had to clean it up because his wife was there. Sure, sure. But I was talking about this in general. He hooked up and I won't tell this whole story. But it's crazy to think we're old enough that there was no phones. I remember me and my friend and my other friend, three of us, went to the city.

We went and saw, it was like Goodfellas. It must have been 20th, 15th anniversary. OK, because that came out in 90. 90. So it must have been the 15-year anniversary. So 2005. 2005. All right. I got a piece. Sorry, I'm shifting that came out in 90. 90, so it must have been the 15 year anniversary. So, 2005. 2005. All right, I got a piece, sorry I'm shifting.

That's all right, unless it was 10, no, oh my God. That was really something. That was like Renee Russo in Major League. Jeez, what a pull. She's hot. It must have been like a 15 year, they played it at the Kenmore Square Theater, whatever. That poor baby. So we got fucking hammered, went in to watch the movie.

We ended up like staggering out of there, like a bunch of hobos one at a time. And somehow Derek met a girl at Boston University campus and ended up hooking up, whatever. But the crazy thing is, and I kind of forgot about this till recently, me and my friend Mike, we just left them because there's no phones. Yes, I remember that.

Like we had no cell phones. So you'd go into Boston. We lived in Whitman at the time. We go in, we're like, I don't know where he went. Well, if you meet a lady, you're good. Right. But you go back to the car. Like we went back to the car, my 87 Buick Century. We sat in the car, slept for like an hour in the car. And then you literally just kind of do like a, yeah, I don't see them. And it was like 3 AM. You're like, all right, let's just go back to Whitman. We're going home. He's on his own. Yeah. You just drive back. And then he shows up like two days later and he's like, I fucked a girl

in a lawn. We had pizza crust. I can't remember the story. I remember those days, but it's just such a weird thing to remember. It's so long, it's such a different fucking planet to go out, three friends go out and two come back. Yeah. And we didn't live like a subway ride away. We were like fucking 40 minutes away. He had to get a cab that cost him $500, he had to call a parent or a relative, those

were, those were, you were really like a nomad back then. You had to really scavenge and figure shit out. Yeah. You couldn't just go, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, lift, Uber, whatever. Oh, I had one. You reminded me of one. Oh, shit, I lost it.

Oh, when I lost my virginity on Bourbon Street, I went to Bourbon Street for New Year's Eve of the millennium with five guys. Three of them got fake IDs. They're like, we're going to the bar. And I said, oh, I'm staying on Bourbon. I want to watch the women flash on the balcony. And they said, all right, we'll catch up later. Never seen them again. Like ever in your life? No, they're gone. No, I'm just kidding. But yeah, they were gone. We called each other the next day,

like, hey, did you make it home? What happened? They're like, oh, we fingered some swimmer chicks. Yeah, it's fun to think about that. It's such a different time to just be like, all right, well, I guess we'll... There's no other means to find somebody. And nor did you ever say,

have we got mixed up? Meet back here. You just had to assume, like, maybe he'll come to the car. I nor did you ever say, if we got mixed up, meet back here. You just had to assume maybe he'll come to the car. I don't even know if he remembers where we parked. Or anything. Yes, exactly. I did a lot of walking home as a kid. I'm talking, you'd walk like three hours.

I got to just go home. Drunking, staggering. One time I pissed myself at a girl's apartment. She let me sleep on her couch. Pissed myself within like two hours. Woke up and walked home. It must have been a four's apartment. She let me sleep on her couch. Pissed myself within like two hours. Woke up and walked home. It was a, it was, must have been a four hour walk. Covered in urine. And you see the sun come up, you know, the birds chirp. You see some kids around and you get hard. But then you see the guy jogging. The guy jogging was always a wake

up call with the, uh, the all nighter. Yeah, I'm that guy for other people now. Starting my day about the stroller. I wonder if I'll ever stay up till sunrise again. Probably not. Maybe on accident. Yeah, it's hard to imagine. Yeah, well, yeah, I've been up for sunrise a bunch of times recently, of course. All winter, as a matter of fact, but I haven't had like a I've been up through the night and now the sun's coming up. It's never good. I always thought, thought about that one time.

Me and Alvin David, all the Boston guys were here. It was like me, Bulger, Big Al and Ira Brokter. We all went out drinking when we lived in Astoria and we had our first drink. It was like the sun was setting. We went to a bar and had a drink and we came home. We were drinking beers on the, on the walk home. sun was coming up. And I was like, we just drank every single minute of the night. We did it. We drank 100% of the night. Through the night, we drank. And I would always do that. Whenever I would go home, you'd always get like a can of beer for the ride home. Because you're like, if I stop drinking now and take a 50 minute ride train ride home, I'll be fucked. My brain will be in two pieces. Exactly. Yeah. That was a big thing. And it wasn't even like, we're going to drink throughout

the night. Let's challenge ourselves. You just kept holding a beer and kept going or shots or whatever the fuck it was. I remember Big Al, we were in the East Village, he was running on the tops of cars, like stopping. Stopping on the trunk to the roof to the hood to the trunk to the roof to the hood. Did it all the time. And he was like, I'm 35 years old. It was like his birthday. And he's like, I'm 30 years old.

He was just running. Or maybe he was 40. I can't remember. One time in Williamsburg, we used to go out in Williamsburg because we thought, that's where all the hot girls are. This is like 2008, 2009. That was like, girls was on TV.

Williamsburg was like a hot spot. Yes. And I blacked out. And I woke up on the sidewalk with the sun on my face. People walking by. I was like a sidewalk guy. I was the guy sleeping on the side. I remember I woke up and I had the pebbles on my face.

I was like, oh, jeez. And I just had to get up and go home. Wow, pebble face is tough. Yeah, that was bad. I would go back to my neighborhood again. I would tell people now if you had some success, like Phil Hanley, I was trying to tell him, I guess he has a girlfriend. I don't even know.

I think he's very private. I'd never see him. But I would tell people to move downtown. Chuck, you got a girl now. You're trying to have a life together. But if I knew single men that was successful, like move downtown because everybody's all the women are not just hot. They're working downtown. They have jobs and Gucci shoes and tight pants. You got that right. And everyone goes out to PJ Clark's

after I think I live in like a hookup neighborhood. Yes. You just wait. And they're, they're not so young like Williamsburg. They're like 30. Yeah, they're like late 20s, early 30s, successful, hot. Mm-hmm. Oh, I want to cheat on my wife. Oh, boy. Well, could end the marriage. It could end. I mean, I don't really want to.

Who knows? The future is a mad scientist. Anything could happen. She could get hit by a train. I think we'll be OK. Yeah, well, last thing I'll say is another way... Last thing? We're only at 35 minutes.

Oh, jeez. Well, about this topic. Oh, I see. But my friend got the wild hair up his anal. Great idea, because we were 16, 17, 18. You couldn't go to a bar. I mean, you could get into a few, but we didn't have any money, so you couldn't go meet women. So he said, what if we go to college campuses at night?

Because they have dorm rooms. And there's going to be girls outside smoking or gathering in the quad or outside their dorm room. And we go meet them. And I go, ah, sounds a little kooky. Worked like a charm. This guy got laid like a Wilt Chamberlain. He would be out there. He's like, Oh, I go to Tulane. We go to Loyola, which are next to each other in New Orleans. And he'd go,

I go to Tulane and you guys are Loyola chicks. They go, yeah, what's your major? And now he's in, now he's in with these girls and they're just sitting around in their like booty shorts, chit chatting and smoking. And you're just sitting with them. They think, Hey, you're in college, I'm in college, and boom, he would hook up. I never knew how to get laid. I sucked. I wish I could go back and fuck it, turn back.

You had to get clever. You had to get crafty with it. Well, I remember trying to do that because I knew guys lied. I remember we had a lie that we were parachute salesmen. That was a big thing. Oh, interesting. But it didn't make any sense.

I didn't have anything left after that. I also was a big goof. I had like stupid teeth and bad pants and long legs. Yeah. And no money. I remember one time my friend was like, this girl's easy. You can hook up with her. And I was like, oh, great.

He goes, but she loves a bad boy. You gotta be like a bad boy. And I was like, OK. And I went up to her and I was like, I'll tell you, if anybody looks at me funny, I'm going to kick their ass. And she was like, that guy, he could use a pound digger. And I'm like, yeah, I'll tell you, I got my split blade on me.

I don't wanna go back to Rikers, and she was like, woo, baby. And then I blew it, I farted or something. Yeah, I also had no confidence. I just assumed that nobody wanted to fuck me. Of course, of course, same here. I tell her all the time, Chris Wallace was the one, because I would be like, let's get hookers. And Chris Wallace was like, you can get laid.

It's a lot of work. I know, but I just I didn't think anyone would want to make love to me. And it goes back to parents. They never were like, this is what you got to do. Yeah, my parents never told me I was sexy. No. Damn it.

My parents did nothing for me, by confidence, that is. They fed me, of course, and housed me, was sexy. No. Damn it. My parents did nothing for me. My confidence that is. They fed me of course and housed me which is very nice and not easy to do by the way. No, no. They're good people. They kept you alive. Yeah exactly. But no, I had nothing. No confidence and then every once in a while I would just date a really hot woman which is fun. I don't know how it happened. Well you're a fun guy to date I imagine Oh, I'm a lot of fun. You bring the heat, you're always chatting and shooting and chatting, you're on. I'm the first one on the dance floor, and I got a lot of light.

I mean, I like to shoot hoops, I like to go hiking, I like to watch movies, I like to go to concerts, I do comedy, I know celebrities. Movies and a theater. I like to listen, I really get in there. I like to listen too. I'm a nice, sensitive boy. You're a good listener.

Thank you. Underrated listener. I'll take it, yeah, women are always like, men don't listen, I'm like nice sensitive boy. You're a good listener. Thank you. Underrated listener. I'll take it. Yeah, women are always like, men don't listen. I'm like, I listen to five pods a day. I can listen. Oh, you listen. Maybe you're the problem.

You don't always retain, but you listen. Yeah, the retaining is tough. Retainers are difficult. They hurt your teeth. Yes, yes, yes. I retain water. I gotta wear a retainer the rest of my life. Is that right?

How about this? I went to the dentist, so I finished the Invisalign business. Go to the dentist. One full hour late of my life. Is that right? How about this, I went to the dentist, so I finished the Invisalign business, go to the dentist, one full hour late, my appointment. They were late. Yeah, 10.45 a.m. appointment, I show up at 10.35, because that's who I am. I went in at 11.45.

I stood up, I said, this is insane. They should knock off a hunk of money. Well, there was no money, because it was just like an assessment of like, okay, this is what they had to scan. That's why they scanned for my, um, retainer thing that I have to wear at night now because you go back. So I just, you ever have this?

I was in the waiting room. I just stood up with no intention, not know. I didn't have a plan. I wasn't like, this is what I'm going to do. Yeah. I was so angry. I just, my body just lifted me. I said, this is crazy.

Whoa. I was like,. I just my body just lifted me. I said this is crazy. Whoa I was like 55 minutes like network and they were like, I know Like you could tell they were like, I hope he doesn't do anything. Yeah, they just weren't saying it I was like this is insane. That is insane one full hour. I'm like, wait, I feel like Morty Seifel I'm like, what's the point of making an appointment? I don't get it. Yes, yes, you know how to take the reservation. Right, I mean, an hour. And I'm like, I have a fucking child, I have a life. Let me go home to my wife and baby for God sakes. I had a similar thing, we were doing the other pod,

me and Sam, and the producer goes, the guest just said he's gonna be, do you mind if he's an hour late? And I go, that's a full pod. It can't be an hour late. And I go, he said, do you mind? So I was like, tell him we mind. You asked and he goes, all right.

Okay, setting into a half hour late, is that okay? And I'm like, I guess it's better than an hour. But I'm like, what do you mean is it okay? You're late. Well, this is what I don't understand. And this happened, this happens a lot where you're like, why don't you do this? And then they're like, okay, I can do that. And you're like, so what were you trying to do?

Oh, I know. Brutal. Whatever. But then the clinker is I go, he shows up, we do a pod, we had to cut it short, because we had another guy. And he goes, that's it? Like, yes, you were a half hour late. Yeah, yeah. Or actually, he was an hour late, if we're being honest. But it's just, it's frustrating. Because he's like, I came all the way here, and now you're kicking me out?

I'm like, well, that's why we have time. Right. That's the whole point of an appointment. Right, and you are never late for spots, ever. That's true. Not really. But, oh, then I had this. This is one of these, I wasn't even to tell it on the podcast, but it's not

anything. It's so subtle. I can't wait. I love subtle. But we went to Sarah and I the other day, you know, we're doing pretty well. We're successful people. Great neighborhood. And I said, let's go. We'll go to Shake Shack. The baby's sleepy, fell asleep in the stroller, which is always nice because you feel like you can kind of have a little day date. Yes, yes. I go, I have this Shake Shack right, we don't have, we're a little short on restaurants over there.

I agree. So I go, we'll go to Shake Shack, and then there's a Del Frisco's Grill, which is like a lower, I told that story before about taking my niece and nephew, it's like a lower version of Del Frisco's, but still Del Frisco's. It's like a Del Frisco's Two, like a Chili's Two.

Yes, it's like a lunchy Del Frisco's. It's like a Del Frisco's 2. Yeah. Chili's 2. Yes. It's like a lunchy Del Frisco's. So I go, everything's so expensive anyways. You know that I had the thought of like how much more money is it? But you're like, it's actually like $150 more. That's a substantial. But you're like, you know what? We're doing okay. We haven't gone out to eat. We'll have a little dip. We'll go get a nice steak. I'm tired of fucking a cheeseburger, whatever. Love it. She's like, I'll just get a salad anyways. So I go get a nice steak. I'm tired of fucking a cheeseburger, whatever. Love it. She's like, I'll just get a salad anyways. So I go, let's do it. So we go over there and it's like the B squad. It's like two in the afternoon are, you know, like the

waiter just looks dumb. Oh, I know it too well. Bad haircut. And he's got like his mouth open. He's like, Oh, how are we doing? Like, I'm like this. Ah, we got it too well. Bad haircut, and he's got like his mouth open. He's like, oh, how we doing? Like I'm like this. Ah, we got a moron. We got the moron guy. Right away. And I go, I'll have a Caesar salad. And the food is amazing.

Duffer's is as good as it gets. Very nice chain. So I go, I'll have a Caesar salad and an eight ounce filet. She gets some steak salad thing. There you go. I want medium rare. She asks for steak salad thing. There you go. I want medium rare. She asks for medium. Okay.

So, oh, and I say they got bread and butter, best bread and butter you ever had. So I go, I'll get some bread and butter. Underrated, B and B. Love it. So never brings the bread and butter. Ah, you gotta love that. Comes out with the Caesar salad.

Okay. And her entree and my entree, you go, sorry, they all came out at once. All right. Now that's infuriating. A little. Because the steak is hot, it's warm. Sure, you gotta eat it. It just cooked it, but you want the salad before.

Uh-huh. So you're like, if I eat my salad before, the way fucking meals work, Yeah, we're living in society. my steak is not gonna be hot anymore. You got that right, no sizzle. So now I'm like, I'll eat half my salad, but a salad takes fucking nine hours to eat because it's all like.

Leafy. It's leafy. So I'm eating the salad and I go, shit, I gotta stop this to eat my steak. Yeah, yeah, you're beating the clock here. So I slide the salad over and this was Sarah's dad's biggest pet beef. She's like, my dad would go crazy if this happened.

Oh yeah, some people do that. This is the thing, you're like, well just fucking, first of all, time it right, we're the only ones here. Also you're like, well just wait and then reheat this after I'm done with the salad. And I wouldn't be so cutty and complainy if it wasn't a high-end steakhouse. This is gonna be a $200 meal.

100%. So you go, well, whatever, you let it go. He comes back around, how is everything? Good, I go, we're still waiting on the bread though. I love that bread, big bread guy. Now is the bread free? Yeah. Okay, that's why.

He goes, okay, I'll be right back with the bread. Oh, how about, shit, sorry, we're supposed to bring bread immediately, I fucked up. So I cut into my steak, and it's, I want to say this, juicy and delicious. Their food is fucking unreal. The Caesar is perfection. The steak is beautiful and delicious. I wanted to go there with Sam way back in the day. He's like, I can't eat a steak for lunch. And I called him a homo and he got mad at me. I love a steak for lunch. Me too. I'll eat a steak for breakfast. So I cut into the steak.

I look at Sarah's steak. She ordered medium. It's as red as a monkey's asshole. Dark red. It looks delicious, by the way. And she's eating it. She likes it. Mine is pink like a pussy, like a little bit of brown and pink. Oh, that's gross. And I go, how is that medium? And this is medium rare. Oh, geez. So I call over dumb face and I go, hey, I hate to be, and I'm trying hard in life to be assertive and to be yourself because that's how you alleviate anxiety and live your life properly. Yeah. And you're the consumer. They They gotta get it right. And it's a fucking expensive meal. So I go, I'm sorry, I want a medium rare. This is like gray and pink. It's delicious and I will eat it, but I just gotta say,

and I'm like, how is that supposed, that's dark red. Yes, yes. How is this medium, and this is medium rare. Look at these two. And he's like, oh, well, and the guy, he was a fucking idiot. I hate a dumb waiter. He's like- I hate a dumb waiter.

He turns to her and he goes, you want me to throw that back on the grill? And I'm like, no, no, I have, mine's the shit. Oh boy. Mine should be redder than hers. Yes, yes. Like how, these are both incorrect or something's incorrect. Yeah.

Oh, okay, well, so I should throw yours back on? And she's like, no, no, I'm fine. And I'm like, no, no, we're fine. And I will eat this. But I'm trying to get maybe get a couple bucks off, get a free salad, anything. Acknowledge. And he goes, Oh, so what? Oh, media. And he goes, Oh, I'll get the manager. And I was like, okay, thank you. Sure, please.

Karen. So then the manager comes over and I'm like, yes, see, this is medium. This is whatever. And he goes, No, those are the same. I took a photo. I'm like, what are you nuts? Yeah, so I picked up my stand and I put them next to each other. And I'm like, this is the same. But also, it's a different order. It's medium and medium rare. So it shouldn't be the same. Yes, exactly. And hers is more rare. Right. So he goes, Well, we'll bring you we can

bring you a new steak. And I'm like, Well, it's okay. It's just, I just wanted to just make note and he goes, I'll bring you a new steak. It takes five minutes to cook it. Medium rare. Okay. And I go, okay, sure. So he's like, you can eat that steak too, which is kind of nice. Cause I'm like, I'll eat both steaks. Free steak. So now I'm eating. It's delicious. He brings about the new one. Oh, and I go, he goes, is everything else? Okay. I go, well, we want to bread and butter. Now I tell the manager about the bread and butter. Ooh, he comes back with the filet, but no bread and butter. Oh, now I cut into the medium rare. It is purple. What cold in the middle, like literally cold. Oh, no, in the middle. I thought it took five minutes. So I'm like well this but then I'm like maybe They do a different Scale, but I've been to Del Frisco's many times

And by the way, that one's delicious too. Like I the steak is so good and the season. Yeah, they're all delicious I eat all of them, but you're like, you know what just knock the salad off, right? Now you've brought me two fucking steaks, which is actually more expensive. Yeah, and no bread and butter. Never brought the bread and butter. And so it's one of those things where you're like, I hate to be a cunt, and all these things are small,

but when you put them all together, you're like, you brought the salad and the entree out at the same time. Yes, that's one fuck up. I asked for bread and butter three times, including once to the manager, never got it. That's two, three, four fuck ups, really. And hers is medium-rare, mine's medium. Yeah. Then they bring it out rare. Yeah. And literally cold. That cold

is crazy. And... All steak, no sizzle. And the bill's 180 bucks. Of course. Now, what's Sarah doing? Is she hiding inside her own asshole? Is she like, oh, God, are she okay with this? I think she wanted it to be over because it's awkward. But she also was like, this is crazy. Yes, yes. And you're supposed to be a fucking high end restaurant. Like top shelf restaurant.

And then they come by after all that, all the series of unfortunate events and they go, how's that tip looking? 20%, 25%? You're like, wait, what? The service sucked. Yeah, it's very frustrating. And I got mashed potato too, which the food is all delicious. That's what's so frustrating is the food is so good.

They know what they got. But you're like, and it's empty. But I, the old theory, service is better when it's full. The busier it is, the quieter it is. You got the B squad. They don't know what the hell's going on out there. You want something done? Give it to a busy man. There you go. That's good.

Yeah, because the the note tables, they go, I got one table. All slack. Right. But if you got seven tables, you're on your toes, Fetty. But you're just kinda like, all right. And I also just would be like, let us get you some dessert. Yeah, we did the thing. Yes, yes. You never got your bread, you never got your thing.

Something, something, because a meal out now, you went to a high end place, you go to a diner, it's $88. Oh my God, it's tough out there. Yeah, tariffs, there's a new tariff in town. But yeah, that is frustrating. But good for you for saying something because I wouldn't have and I would have hated myself and the restaurant for it. Well, I'm trying to be a guy that says things, you know, I mean, I'm

getting in fucking arguments every week. Oh, really? Well, I had the black lady who's like, Oh, shut up. Yeah. But what can you do? You got it. But you got, you can't be just a cunt. No, no, no. I hate the fucking, you know what it is? You know when you bang a lady and you just want to leave after? And she's like, what are we? That's how I feel with the bill.

The bill comes at a restaurant and you pay the bill. And you go, but my water's been empty for 30 minutes. And then you go, excuse me, can I get some water? And they go, oh, I'm already done with you. I got the bill. And you're like, I know, but I'm still sitting at your restaurant. Refill the fucking water. But in their mind, they're like, well, you already tipped me.

What do I give a shit about your water? I'm not going to make any money on the water. But I'm still at the restaurant. Yeah, that's a good point. I have a point. I got the milk, eggs, fabric softener. What's that for? That's the end of Home Alone.

And it's like, I've talked about this before, maybe I did in the commentary, but it's like he just has a flat accent the whole movie and the very last scene, they're like, oh, you know what, should he sound like he's from Chicago? And he's like, I'll give it a whirl. And then he just goes, I got the milk. Bill, you gotta hear it.

It's crazy. He says, I got the milk. Who says that? McCauley Culkin. Oh. Cause they're like, it's Christmas Eve. We don't have anything. And he's like, I got the milk, eggs, fabric softener.

Is that even Chicago, duh milk? I think duh, the bears. I think duh is a big thing. I got the, it doesn't make any sense. It's very silly. By the way, I had about 48 people reach out to me about, thank God. About the thousand dollar bill? Yeah. Yeah. Same. But I'm like, this guy kept sending me screen. We were sending Google screenshots back and

forth to each other, but I'm like, I got the money right. It's 300,000. And I'm like, they discontinued thousand bills discontinued in 1969. You sure? Yes. Okay. Why? What'd you get? I got, Hey, they had the thousand dollar bill the whole time. You guys are way off. Also, even in hundreds, that stack is like a pound and a half. It would be six pounds. Okay. According to one guy. Cause I said the number, I said a hundred thousand, 300,000 is manageable. pounds, but it would be noticeable. It'd be noticeable. It'd have a fucking thing.

Also somebody else was, I was on the Reddit plot holes, which is my favorite thing in the world. Somebody was like, this guy is arresting a man. He didn't do even the lightest frisk. Like he's like a form, he's a Chicago cop fucking guy arresting a criminal, even just as slight as this. When you're back in your hand, you're like, what the fuck is this?

Sure, TSA does it. He'd have 300 bills. Think of a stack of 300 bills. Yeah. That's a lot of bills. Yeah, there's Buffalo bills. Waste? No, that's crazy.

And thousand dollar bills went out in 1969, they stopped making them. In 1988, I looked up, it was very rare. Like, how would one guy have 300 of a rare currency. I mean have you ever seen of a thousand dollar bill? I'd love to get my eyes on one. But anyways. Blot holes on reddit folks check it out. Fun movie anyways. Oh, I love plot holes. Oh, by the way, did you hear about Ben Affleck did the commentary for Armageddon? He's just trashing it the whole time.

I gotta hear about it. Oh, that's fun. I've had three different people send me stuff and tell me about it because we talked plot holes. Well, Ben Affleck just did Theo's pod. Oh wow. Yeah, Theo is getting some, he got Zuckerberg today and then Ben Affleck three days ago. I would love to chat with Ben Affleck. I'm a big fan. Yeah, he's good. He's done some stinkers, don't get me wrong. Yeah, but he's got, he does it with humor and humility. Yes.

He's got some great wins and he's a sober guy and he's a poker player and he's a Boston guy. I don't know if he's Boston. Man that far? I don't think he's from there. He's from Cambridge. You sure? 100% of course. Give that a go.

Yeah, him and fucking Matt Damon grew up together. I don't know if he's from there though. What are you talking about? Born, I know maybe raised, but I don't know if he's from. Oh, he's talking about I know maybe raised but I hope he's from oh he's from okay all right Ben and Casey you're not gonna like this uh-huh born in Berkeley California thank you well when did he move to Boston when he was three three okay not from there I mean I guess raised there not from there okay well I didn't know he was born in Berkeley,

but from three, ah, that's pretty, he has no memories of being in California. Can I get some bread and butter? But I will admit, I did not know he was born in Berkeley, California. What about Casey? He must've been born in Boston. He must have been. Yeah, he must have been because he's more than three years younger, right? I think I'd rather have with Casey than Benny. Well, Casey's got the accusation. Well, Casey's a much better actor. I mean, Casey Affleck is- Yes, agreed.

Amazing. I mean, Manchester by the Sea is one of the great, great performances in the history of cinema. It's a happy-go-lucky film. Casey was born in Falmouth. Falmouth, Falmouth. My friend- Right next to your old lady there.

Cape Cad. I'm very jealous of my friend. He storyboarded the town with Ben Affleck. Storyboarded? Wow. No kidding. Well, he came out in a rant and said that Hollywood's done, you can't even shoot a movie there.

It costs less money to shoot in Ireland with the whole crew. Fly everyone out, put them all up, than it does to walk across the Radford lot. Wow. So the city's got a fucking tweak some shit. They got a problem on their hands. It's not good. My buddy is the director of the new vision show for Marvel and they film everything in England. Everything. Toronto, Atlanta, New Orleans, England, Vancouver. It's all pipes. Real quick, best LA movies. Pulp Fiction, I'll get it started. Swingers, LA Confidential. Great, great. The Player.

Yeah, well, I do like LA Story. LA Story I love. Hail Caesar. Reservoir Dogs, sort of. Oh yeah. Not really a lot of LA in there. Heat. Oh, Heat. Excellent one. Collateral. Oh, great film. That's a fun LA. What was that coyote? What was that supposed to be? Phoenix Coyote? What? There's a coyote in Collateral. He's supposed to symbolize something. It might be just Tom Cruise. Oh, I don't know. Maybe. But they they just show him he's at a red

light he sees a coyote on the street and then that doesn't nothing comes of it but I think it means something. What are some other good LA ones? LA oh Naked Gun oh yeah I love LA. People like my Holland Drive not my cup of jizz. I can't figure that guy out. The doors, the Hollywood Hills is in there. Oh, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's our love letter. That's probably number one now at this point.

That's a great flick. Too long. All right, we gotta wrap it up. Where are we, when does this come out? What? Is that David Fincher thing real? I can't tell, cause it first came out on April Fool's Day now. I keep seeing it everywhere Cliff Booth they do a cliff sure booth but written by Quentin but directed by Fincher exactly sounds fun to me

Sounds great. I bet it's true because he wants to avoid doing his 10th movie until you sure what he wants it to be Yeah, and it says Netflix and all this so and he loves that character. He wrote a novel He's talks about all the time. So, I'm down like James Brown from the waist down for that movie. Oh, what's that new movie coming out? I just saw the trailer for it. G.J. Anderson?

The Caprio? Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I haven't seen the trailer yet, but I'm excited. I know, the trailer's got 22 million views or something. Oh, Boogie Nights is a great LA movie. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. Burbank. That's a great one. Man Eyes. Hmm. What else? Yeah, what else is a good LA? There's so many. I know. Well, Friday, that's all Compton. Gee, C-O-M-P-T-O-N. South Central. Speed.

Oh, Speed! Speed! It's a wildcat behind the wheel pop quiz hot shot that's got some plot holes oh yeah diehard oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh you're looking it up you're one of these guys yeah come on China town oh I will take you down to Chinatown. Chinatown is also one of the greats.

I don't know how I admitted that. Oh, Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a great LA movie. Because it's got the whole thing with the highway and the subway. Yes, Toontown. What a film. I love that movie. I saw it in the theater. It is one of the all-timers.

Off the top of my head, Big Lebowski. Oh, Lebowski. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's usually the first one I mention. I'm slacking over here. Shut the fuck up, Lebowski. Oh, Lebowski. That's true. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's usually the first one I mention. I'm slacking over here. Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

And I was about to say another one. You know, it's a play off the big sleep. The big Lebowski is the remake of the big sleep or an homage or whatever you want to call it. How about that? Yeah, they got the big right in there. All right, we got to wrap this motherfucker up. I got a wee-wee.

Yeah, I got a wee-wee too. You go wee-wee. All the way home. Where the fuck am I? I don't even up. I got a wee-wee. Yeah, I got a wee-wee too. You go wee-wee. This, uh, where the fuck am I? I don't even know. I'm such a bad businessman. My bladder's tearing. Where the hell am I performing? May 12th.

Wait, the other one was May 12th. No, we already did May 12th. May 19th, that's right. Thank you. May 19th. Oh, it's my niece's birthday. Happy birthday. Oh, we used her.

Oh, no. Oh, the other niece. Oh, she came here? Yeah. How was it? It was great. She's a sweet little lady. Oh no, oh the other niece. Oh she came here? Yeah. How was it? It was great, she's a sweet little lady. Oh yeah, she's a good kid. I'm in Rochester, Port Chester, Vermont, in Burlington,

then Albany at the Egg. Then I'm in Green Bay, Wisconsin, Wausau, Wisconsin, Eugene, Oregon, San Jose, California, Ben Salem, PA, Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, and then off to Australia and New Zealand. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. I got a wee-wee. The Patreon, get on the Patreon.

We're doing big stuff. We do a bonus every fucking week for the love of Christ. I can't find my calendar. I got to just start using the internet for a calendar. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a moron. I'm still looking. These are mostly baby photos. At one point I took a photo of my calendar. Nobody's moron. I'm still looking. These are mostly baby photos. At

one point I took a photo of my calendar. Nobody's listening anymore. The movies in movie theaters. Go see a Tom Dustin doc.com. That's probably over. Joe list small ball in movie theaters all over the place. May 21st. My specials playing in cinemas all over America. Joe list small ball.com. Chuckie, you said the restaurant is like, it's better when it's busy. It's worse when it's slow. That's like strip clubs. Great point. Right? Yeah. Exactly. B squad. Yes. He's quite empty. Strip club is rough. Bad news. Check out my podcast. Fun bearable. We are doing a live show on Sunday, June 1st at the comedy connection, East Providence, Rhode Island. We had a lot of Tuesdays last time. It was a lot of fun. If you're in the New England

area come on out funbearablepod.com for tickets. We always do very weird stuff. It's Narragansett beers fun bearable summer break is what it's called. So gonna be a great time funbearablepod.com. One more time. Beverly Hills Cup. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's a fun one. Alright, thank you guys. Appreciate it. Subscribe, like, tell everybody. Suck my dicks. Goodnight.

Good night.