Tuesdays with Stories! - #606 You Steep What You Sew

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

Amateur gynecologists Dr. List and Nurse Normand open the show with an informational talk about the vaginal experience. Joe goes to Cleveland and runs into… someone he never thought he’d seen in his life again! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of 15% OFF + a FREE Gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code TUESDAYS15 at https://huel.com/TUESDAYS15 - Relax and get 30% your first Cornbread Hemp order with code TUESDAYS at https://www.cornbreadhemp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't tell you how to chase it. Nah! Hey, hey folks, sorry we were a little distracted by an air-do-well going by... Well, the window's open, it makes me nervous. That's true the windows though We got a good breeze coming in, but I got to get a curtain Jack

Yeah, you got to get a curtain you gotta get some curtains up in this motherfucker. She curtains. Maybe a big bush I tried to plant. I don't know if you noticed I got I put some me and the wife went out and bought all these Botany and we put it in the dirt and half of them died and have them grew well That's good. Well, you don't have enough banana peels out there. I've put 38 of them over and over, but the locals took them. Well, I never noticed the garden because, see, I come from this direction. So I go straight in. I do walk through here.

I guess I'm just so far. I'm always looking in the window. You look in the window. Is anyone here? What's going on? Well, you're walking into a home. That's a big moment. You don't want to just see nudity. Right. Or anyone here? What's going on? Well, you're walking into a home. That's a big moment. You don't want to just see a nudity. Right. Do you? Not really. I'd love to show you. You? Yeah. Oh, your wife, maybe. I mean, I don't want to see your dick. Really? I'd love to see your dick. I've shown you my dick back in the old days. I used to show everyone my dick and then the me too movement came around. All of a sudden you got to put your dick away. I know now I'm wearing a blindfold.

One of my favorite things to do is FaceTime with Bobby Kelly during the COVID. Then I just go and then it was great. I remember that one. Great gag. Yeah. Or I would do a full zoom on the computer and then stand up and reveal the whole time. Oh, fun. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, too. But yeah, exactly. Well, the funny thing is the FaceTime to dick was out. Oh, fun. Jeffrey Tubman. Yeah, exactly. Well, the funny thing is the FaceTime to me is more awkward than the dick. You put your phone on your dick, I'm like, this I understand. The FaceTime, I got nothing to say. It's too awkward.

It is. I mean, Louie had that great bit, and I know it's a great bit because I always thought about it before and since, but that moment with a woman where you take the dick out, you don't know what kind of dicks they're going to have. So true. Yeah. It's a fat dick, a chubby dick, a sideways dick. Black dick, veiny dick, cut, uncut. Exactly. Uncut jobs.

Yeah. Purple head, white head. I guess we kind of have that with the clam because with the body you go, oh, I can get like a tit kind of outline here and a fat or a skinny outline but the clam is still pretty what's the word? Unique? Well unique but I was gonna say parental discretion like you know you're not you gotta you gotta unlock that parent lock to get behind that thing. Apparently, but yeah, I mean, but I think twats don't have as much diversity as a cock. I don't know, man.

I can show you a lineup of some real cold cuts. Oh, Chuck is nodding. It just makes me so disgusted that Chuck is looking at beaver, smelling beaver, oh, as a child. He's been to the butcher shop many times, but there's a lot of cuts of meat out there. But also the pussy's not going like all the way in your mouth you know. That's true. You're kind of licking and nibbling a little bit and also it's always I never looked at the penis. I mean I have the penis. Freud. Oh boy. I never looked at the pussy too much. I just. Oh really? Yeah. My wife and me

I've got tea time with that thing. We've done a podcast, just the clam. Well, my wife's pussy, of course. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm talking. Yeah. I'm talking about all the previous pussies. I see. I just would glance and kind of, you know, you can't look in the eyes of it.

Also, the vagina is, it's in an odd spot where it's under the body in a way. It's like, it's not here, it's here. Right. So it is kind of hard. You got to really get a periscope upside down to see that thing. Yeah, I feel like I've taken a good look at more assholes than vaginas because doggy style, that asshole is just face to face with the blowhole. You got that right, Faddy. I mean, that's really where I'm making some brown eye contact. Oh yeah, that's where the rubber meets the road is that that fucking

stinkhole. Always shocking. And maybe the gays are going through that's where the rubber meets the road, is that fucking stink hole. Always shocking, and maybe the gays are going through this, not the fans, the actual homosexuals out there, because you're really vulnerable. The person is behind you, you're looking towards Mecca, and you don't know what's happening back there. They could be texting, putting dog ears on you, woohoo, on a Snapchat filter,

and your b-hole is just blowing in the wind. It's out, I mean, I couldn't do it. Mitch Fatel, who I always talk about has some of my favorite jokes ever. He's a funny cat. He had a great one. He's like, I wouldn't be able to do it. The whole time I'd be like, are you eating back there? So funny. Are you eating? Exactly. You have no idea what's going on. Your face is in the pillow. You're chewing on a cock.

Yeah. You got a rubber dildo in your face. Sure, you're doing the crossword. Meanwhile, behind you is God knows what. They could be doing like fucking shadow puppets on your back. And I'll pull out the phone and start scrolling photos of her friends too. Oh yeah, that's a good move.

I'm like keep those eyes closed and here I am just looking at her aunt, her uncle, her brother. Facebook, top friends, I'm on it. Yeah, that's exciting. It's nice to be back there. I wouldn't want to flip it, but ladies are happy to just get down on all fours and go, settle up, Dickless. Well, I just love the curvature of that butt, the wide open space,

the back dimple and that slope down to the head. It's just a beautiful thing. Anyone else hard? This is really turning into Tuesdays After Dark. Remember we had that idea for that show? Oh yeah, still I stand behind that. We should really start thinking outside the box. It's enough already with this bullshit.

Well, would you eat cum, you fucked your dad. It's enough already. I think that's our bread and butter. It's bread and butter. I like bread and butter, but I wouldn't mind some soup. Let's get the show going. We'll get some beefcakes. They serve drinks. We had that one guy, Meat. Meat. Remember Meat? We hired a guy to be shirtless with slacks on. He was ripped out of control, and we called him Meat.

Oh, did we? Cause Mike Cronin is meat to me. He ain't hot. He's gross. No, he's gross. You don't want him to shirtless. But this guy was, we called him meat cause he was just made of meat. This guy. He was like- Right. Nick. Nick. Nick Simmons. Yes. By the way, he went viral recently. You see that? No, I haven't kept up with him.

They go, I don't know either. I blocked him. But it came from another account. Some guy goes, you could fight any male celebrity, who would you fight? And he goes, Elliot Page. That's the perfect answer. Because you can't argue with it. You can't be like, wait, oh, oh, yeah. So that was fun.

Chuck, what are you, chiming? We started doing a Tuesdays After Dark bonus series. Remember, we turned off all the lights. What? Do you remember this? Not at all. And we put, like, lights on you guys, so it was after dark and it was all sex talk, and we called it Tuesdays After Dark. We did one at the studio. We never did that. You're thinking of Tell Them Dad pod.

What are you talking about? I'm gonna look it up. You guys keep going. What studio? The one near Grand Central. What? We turned off all the lights? You don't remember that? No, I'm fine. I'll find it. I must have blacked that out. You don't remember it either, right? No, no idea. This is one of your roofy nights. I think you came up with, I don't know, I think, I mean, one time Rupert stood in front of the

sun and it got dark. The whole, whole Western hemisphere went dark. Woo, that was the 79 blackout is what that was. But no, I don't remember Tuesdays after Dark, sex stories with a flashlight. What are you talking about? We gotta start calling Rupert the Eclipse from now on. You should have him be the beefcake. Then we can sweet.

Oh, that's just cake. Yeah, because it's Tuesdays bonus after Dark. 2023. Wow. I don't remember that at all. Okay, I don't remember that at all. Number 80. 2023. Wow. I don't remember that at all. Okay, I don't remember that at all. Obviously didn't play well either, no one cared. No, they liked it.

Oh really? You get 186 likes on this, which is a lot for me. If it was Chuck's idea, the fans loved it. If it was one of our ideas, the fans hated it. It was your idea. Oh! Of course! Yeah, there we go.

Of course it was, I love that. I'm quite generous. Damn good idea. It's a fine product. That Yoohoo is a fine product. But anyways, we gotta think outside the twad. Because we got children now. Let's come up with something that really cooks.

I like it. Maybe something involving Israel or Gaza. That seems where the kids are at. Well that cooks alright. It's hot tamales over there. A lot of boiling flesh. Hostages. But yeah, yeah something. What are the kids up to? Well I think we do the same thing in a live setting. The idea was the Playboy show. Yes. And you know we host it. We got a beefcake walking around. Instead of women we have men. We don't objectify the

ladies. Although now I think the woke stuff has kind of gone the side with the way of the dodo. So now we could go back to having hot bitches. Oh okay finally America's back. We do inclusive, ironically inclusive and we have a guy in a wheelchair, a peg lady, you know the peg lady. Yes yes she's hobbling around somewhere she loved you. Yeah, doesn't like you, likes me. Well I think I got her stuck in a sewer grate and never saw her again. But what about, what about a trans in there?

We got a hot guy with a puss. Alright, well Bailey J, when we can hire her. She's hotter than my fucking sister's ass. I love Bailey J. Bailey J, I'm in. Look at Chuck's- he never heard of her. He's googling Chuck's eyebrows shot up. And so did his fucking shorts tent. Tent city. Yeah.

Bailey J. Give her a give her a good you'll like what you see. Oh, yeah. It's a really pretty lady with a decent hog. A nice piece. And yeah, we could have her run the show. I haven't heard from her in a while. Yeah. I've seen her. Yeah. Yeah't heard from her in a while. Heard from her, seen her. She was around for a bit. I've seen her, she's my background screensaver.

But yeah, we'll give her a toot. And what was the thing we brought guests on and we asked them sexual questions? I don't even think it was just sexual. I think we did, it was basically Tuesdays with Stories Live. It was a big fail. We had Comedy Central there, We had execs there. Oh, I forgot about that.

We had execs. How did we get execs there? I think it was just, you know, Harris, Anne Harris. Oh, she came? Yeah, I think it was Anne Harris. Oh, no. And so we both had like panic attacks. We were like, this sucks. I'm sorry. And then Bobby was on and then you came in hot. You were like, you blew

a guy in 1988. Yeah. And you didn't really ease in. So he was upset. He was like, fuck you. He got defensive. Michelle Wolf was on. Schumer might've popped in. Schumer popped on. Wow. We had some names. I mean, these are high level. Wolf is huge. Schumer's huge. Bobby's fat. And then we just brought it on. Nick Simmons just came and he didn't really he stood there We didn't really give him proper advice. So he just stood shirtless on stage with us I thought that was the advice the whole thing went down like fucking the tower too. It was bad Yeah, tower too was graceful. This thing really just came crumbling down and we oh I forgot we had Anne there And could you imagine that meeting on Monday?

How was that after dark bullshit? She's like, whoa mama, Pearl Harbor, Gaza, Tower Six, the Pentagon, nothing on this. The Malibu fires were front of your. It was my whole career just encapsulated and boy, it was a bag of turds. I mean, we really ate a bag of turds up there. Big bag of turds, slow night, long night,

and I almost ended the show. We were like, all right, we gotta retool, we gotta go back to the workshop and change the title. Retooling, I'll retool you. Well, I think the mistake was also, why wouldn't we just film it? Why did we bring them to the show? Oh, we didn't film.

You should just film and then send them a good one. Wow, we didn't film that? God, we were retards. Not only did we not film it, we had the fucking execs in. Like if you're gonna give executives something, film the best version and then hand them that. Oh, God. And I also think another issue was half the crowd

was regular tourists on the street. Yes, yes. So it was a bunch of Germans and then there's just a big muscle head and then you and I going, oh my god, I boiled my dad's comb and put it in my hair. Sure, that was a good bit. Oh man, that's crazy.

I'm embarrassed, I'm getting chills thinking about how awful that was. I can't believe the seller, because you know how Liz will walk in every now and then like a secret shopper. She was appalled She'll just be like, uh, what did I sign up for and then she'll trash us later But I we had a good couple VU shows now all that being said I think we run it back. Yeah Let's do it all again the same way. We have a musician. Maybe we do it at Let's do it all again the same way. We have a musician. Maybe we do it at

Grove or at sesh something a little more lower stakes. We get the cameras rolling. We have Chuck We have Salak you see if we don't put film in his camera sure on auto just let him make him feel good You know, yeah. Yeah, and I'll give him a Polaroid. We have a sexy lady. Sure come out Maybe we interview her about something. I'll do the interview you, Zing and Zack. We got to go to our strengths. Yes, yes. So I'll say, so when you have, you know, I'll do like a, what's that guy, Dick Cavett. Sure. And then you're Groucho. Oh. I'm Cavett, I'm Dick, you're Grouch. I like it, I like it. That evens out. So, and I go, yeah, you know, and I try, I try I go mark come on it's an appropriate crazy can't say that it's a reverent and then the people at home

take it serious right I'm trying to what do you call that edit you what do they say sensor sensor they never realized that it's in the episode that's the funny I know I know he's always censoring mark I'm like but you saw it exactly anyways that's a side note anyways we do that and maybe we wear high heels or something or suits We'll bring in Greg. We all you'll be scared. Who's Greg the cat? Greg broad for sure sure too much pussy, but we can get a Fake cat fake cat and pet it. Maybe we can have a black musician, call him cat. Ooh, bodega cat.

Cat Williams. Ah-ha, Cat Stevens. We do it at the Fat, we have a cat theme. Ooh. Fat black pussy cat, Greg is there, the bodega cat's on the table. Sure. What was the other cat?

Oh, and then the black musician with sunglasses. I like it. His name's like Alley Cat. Something like that. That's big. Yeah, alright! Al-ee Cat. There we go! Okay.

I don't know if at all, do you think we, the girl could be dressed as a slutty cat. Oh, I'm into, when I see Miss Rachel with the black dots and the thing, you get a girl dressed as a cat, I'm harder than my father's asshole. What do you think's going on with this lady? She's like a witch. She has like a spell, something inside of her voice that just makes kids flock to her like the Pied Piper. My son walks around going, Rachel, Rachel. That's what I'm saying. She's like a voodoo queen, this whore.

That's a good name for a song. Have you seen the views on her? It's insane. 385 million, 425 million. I mean, I've watched episodes of Rachel literally 60 times. Well you know what it is, I see that 400 million views and I just think that's 400 million parents who are like, I can't do this anymore. Absolutely. Well my kid now, he'll just go, Rachel, Rachel. Whoa, you see? Rachel. After a while you're like, all right, I'll put it on for 10 minutes and then

I go in the bathroom and jerk off while I look at National Enquirer sure sure well those saggy African yams. What's it called? Is that what I was called? Oh geographic. National Geographic. Sorry I went geographic. Yeah, it's funny I was picturing the yellow. I think I manifested it to you I used to really before the internet my dad had a stack of those and I would just, three hours a day, you know, just sit there Indian style and highlight the good stuff and, oh, is that Mozambique? Look at that. Boy, we had nothing going on. First of all, it's crisscross applesauce. What are you nuts? Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Jesus Christ. How? What kind of show do you think this is? Smallpox. But yeah, no, I remember seeing those African tits with the bone and the nose and the droopy black tip. It was fire as the kids say. It was like a big sock full of nickels.

Yeah, do you hear RFK by the way? He said, uh, the food is the genocide of the Native Americans, not the shooting them. Oh, wow. Good for him. He's a hell of a guy. Not the not the shooting them. Oh wow good for him. Yeah, he's a hell of a guy He also was like no one should take medical advice from me Yeah Under oath he's like well. I wouldn't take a medical advice for me You're like are you the head of the medical advice department? I think he's literally the head yeah Well, what can you do got a big fucking head on that guy too? He's popping out of that collar. He's so red So no dice on the Starbucks run, eh?

Pretty penny that was a good penny. Yeah decent penny Really? Yeah You want anything farthing? We'll be Starbucks buddy, maybe a cookie get it to double up the cookies We'll be Starbucks buddies. Maybe a cookie? Double up the cookies. Two cookies. Yeah, two cooks.

Two cooks. One cook, one no cook. That could be the show, two cooks. I think this show idea, I think we should give it one more shot. Too many cookies in the kitchen. And I'm fat. Oh, so's Chuck.

I can't stop eating sweet tiramisu. I eat tiramisu every night. Sue me. I cannot, because it's my cigarettes, you see. So you can have a cocktail. Yes, I can. I sit around, I got the baby, and then the thing, and the stress. It's very stressful with the schedule, and you got to do the regs, you got to do the Tuesdays, you got to do the road, then you have a baby. And by the end of the day, instead of lighting a cigarette

or blowing a guy, I take Tiramisu and I shove it right in my asshole Oh, that sounds good. My asshole looks like someone shoved tiramisu It is damn good. It's it's so soft and fluffy. I love fluffy. Yeah How do I do a quick steep in the app? Oh, you know the notes by the delivering. I'm gonna go pick it up Oh, you want me to go there? Okay, I'll go. No, no, you can go. Yeah, order, it doesn't have to be that quick. Once you go over there, then you take it out.

All right, you want me to take it out? Yeah, you gotta take it out. I'll be the brista. Oh. That's not what a brista's job is. The brista puts it in, you take it out. I'm gonna take it out. How hard is it to take tea bags out?

Don't act like I'm some choo-choo of the year. You take the lid off. If I had said a coffee with milk, you'd take the lid off and put the milk in. They put the milk in. No, not anymore. Now it's back on the shelf. That was COVID. Oh, really?

I like when it's on the shelf because I can really drown it. You got that straight. I got milk on the way here in my Starbucks. I ordered it. Oh. Well, the app if you order whatever. I think you'll be okay. I'll step.

I'll do the quick, Steve. You take your cock out when you come on one of your girlfriends. Put your dick in the hot tea. Remember when people, did you ever do that? My friend, I don't wanna give his name away. I grew up with a guy who was a real animal, real wild man. Every group had one.

Sure, or a couple sometimes. Sure, but we had a big party, and a guy we didn't love showed up to the party, and he was like, hey, Bobby, let me, uh, let me get your, uh, your beer glass. I'll fill you up. And Bobby's like, Oh, thanks. And I look over and my friend's like, and he's filling up the beer on the keg with his dick in the glass.

Oh, that's funny. He was that guy. He's dead now. I thought you were going to say he pissed in it and I would have not liked that guy, but that's gold. Dick in the glass. You could see the beer filling up around that guy. But dick in the glass, that's gold. Dick in the glass. You could see the beer filling up around the dick. You know, it was classic.

But then he had to pull his dick out. It was just drippy. I love that. I would have sucked it. It was pretty funny. But you know, you don't want that guy not on your side. Right. I got one similarly.

This is what I'm picturing when you're telling that story. We were all fucking wild animal idiots. Yeah. But we had one, we would get late in the night drunk. We had one friend, Mike, you would dare him to do things. Yes. He would do something crazy. Yes, I know Mike.

And we had one where we were doing a thing where we all pulled pubes out. And we were gonna put pubes, I gotta make sure I got this right. Putting pubes in a beer thing, a can of beer, a can of beer. And he had to pound the beer with like 70 pubes in it. So everyone in the house. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So that was the bet. And we all put in, I don't know, three bucks a piece. It was like 18 bucks. He's a pound of beer and it had 60 pubes in it. Wow. And he goes,

okay, but I want a chaser. I want to a Coca-Cola. That's fair. Chaser. And as he's getting ready to do it, he's looking, getting himself psyched up. My friend, Jeff has his chaser and he takes a cigarette, but he puts it in the Coke can. So like he's about to drink all these pubes and we don't even give him the luxury of drinking a Coke. Jeff puts a cigarette butt in it. Brilliant, Jeff. So then he gets all the pubes, literally he's got pubes on his face.

Oh no. He goes to drink his Coke to wash down the pubes, and it's just, ah, cigarette butt. We all go, ah, fuck you, and we high-fived. It was great. This is your best buddy. Yeah, absolutely, we love him. Well, you get why Jackass became a thing.

Cause that was just a normal thing that dudes did. And then they had the decency to film it. Right. And they upped it too. They're like, we're not going pubes. We got a fucking bull that we're going to put you in a cage with. Jackass sometimes though,

the shaving the head and then the like the pain. I don't like pain. I don't love the pain. Like an arrow to the asshole or you chop the end of your dick off as a gag. I'm like, come on. Yeah. I mean, Johnny Knoxville broke his dick at the end of it. Like he has, his dick doesn't work now.

Oh, geez. I know. So it's all fun and games till your Coxville is not working. Oh. Bim, bam, bam. Remember that guitar string? Oh man, that show. MTV had some really tremendous stuff.

Remember you had Odd, Oddville, Oddities? Oh yeah. Oddville. Odd couple. It was like a... Massade. Oddities. It was like a talk show.

What? Louis was on it one time. What? Which is crazy because I watched every episode. This is not ringing a bell. It's called Oddville MTV. I've never heard of this. Like it's a city and state.

It was like a tech, what do you call it? A talk show. Yeah, but yeah, Louis was on an episode. I'll be googling that later. And then there was also The State. State. The State and then there was. Ben Stiller Show, Remote Control. Singled out. Yep. Was fun. They also had like even Teen Mom, as sad as it is, was pretty revolutionary. They also had like even teen mom as sad as it is was pretty revolutionary. You're like seeing these fat white ladies in Cleveland who were like, yeah, I had a kid when I was four. Oh, Buzzkill. Buzzkill. That's what I was trying to remember.

That was awesome. That show was great. Boy, that was like, that was what's his toes. That was punked before punked. It felt like big cell phone. Remember that? It was like a huge thing. It's big cell phone. It's like very early in hidden camera stuff. He was walking around Central Park with this gigantic Wow buzzkill that show was huge. Yeah, Tom Green was on show was I love that show I watched the documentary. I did excellent very fun. I didn't know he was that he was like a stand-up comedian He was a rapper. He did the show and acting Drew Barrymore up the ass. I love that show. My buddy, Brian Nischel, is kind of like my mentor.

He helps me out in TV. And he was like... Like a word with him. He was like, part of all those shows. He worked at MTV for like years and years and years. He's trying to do a video podcast where he gets everybody behind the scenes and he interviews everybody. It was kind of YouTube before YouTube. Right. You know, but they still had to approve everything. But yeah, the fact that they had a show called Jackass, where guys just hit themselves in the nuts with a hammer. Right. And very little diversity on there.

Very little. Yeah, so that was nice. And then they had the rock show, 120 Minutes, and all that good stuff. Yo, MTV Raps. Yes. What was that one with Loader? MTV News, you hear it first.

It was funny when they did Jackass 3. They made three of those movies. The third one, it got all, is it four now? Jackass forever. Okay, the fourth one, as you said, it's like, we got to have this girl in here. So now they're kicking a girl in the twat because they're like, we got to be diverse. Isn't she a comic? Wolf?

Wolfson. Wolfson, yeah. She's super cool, great, great gal. Rachel Wolfson, yeah. But like, I think Eric Andre was like in the background because it's one of these things where you're like, we gotta have a black guy, but we also don't wanna shoot him.

Right. We'll shoot the white guy, we can't shoot the black. Eric Andre was so harassed by Knoxville on the show they were doing for ABC that he quit the show after halfway into filming because he kept giving him like tasers and stuff like that. I gotta say, Eric Andre, amazing guy, amazing comedian, super funny, innovative dude. We had him on the pod, the drunk pod. I'm like, Eric Andre, we got broken, what do you call those

breakaway glasses? We were all prepared because we're like, he's a crazy wild guy. Sam hit me with a breakaway glass. He's like, jeez, what are you doing? And I'm like, you're the guy, you're our contract. And then I was like, you want a drink? You crazy wild dude. He's like, oh, I'm off to drink. If I have one sip of alcohol, I can't sleep at night.

He's like, I'm off caffeine. I'm like, what are you crazy? It was like a evil Knievel being in a wheelchair. It was kind of a bummer. Did you see him on Jeselnik's show? No. Jeselnik had the talk show, right? Yes. With the desk, and Eric Andre brought in fireworks. That's what I'm looking for!

In the middle of it, he threw them under the desk while they were filming, like a Conan O'Brien style show, and it went off. That's great! Jeselnik was not happy. None too pleased. Well, I was waiting for that guy. Jeselnik doesn't seem happy anymore. I never see him happy. I mean I never really knew him that well but every time I see him he's talking very seriously. Yeah he's a brilliant writer but he doesn't seem to be enjoying life. I mean every clip I see he's like very seriously talking. You know he makes some great points but...

That's true. He's a smart guy. He's like kind of like talking like this. I'm like ah. Yeah. Come on you fucking son of a... Yeah! Well remember that great Ari moment. That's true. He's a smart guy. He's like kind of like talking like this. I'm like, ah, yeah Well, remember that great Ari moment This is like the height of all the shit where he he Snapshot at his Twitter and it was like comedian comedian comedian and they were all like we got to help the world We got to stop hate we got to stop war and he's like comedians, right? This is comedy now Yeah war and he's like comedians right this is comedy now yeah so we're still be yucking it up oh I'm yucking yeah I said you get two serious posts a year I'll give you two ah that's I'll give you one your mom died great go nuts right but

even your mom dying go go hug your the corpse and finger it why are you talking to us about it well I mean like a hey is he driving to Starbucks what the hell fat move is that strange man this is it's a block away less than a block oh he's parking the car in the garage oh I see he's not in a spot I thought he's not a spot I thought he did to driveway or maybe he's just getting I think that is a spot oh he's in a spot so maybe just getting his knife oh he's getting his taser for the neighborhood. It's 3D glasses. I don't know. Should we get into some stories? Yeah!

Because I got a Whopper! Lay it on me fatty, put that Tarramassoo right in the bunghole. It'd be kind of funny to tell an all-time Whopper while he's gone. Oh, we'll see it at the edit. Yeah, I suppose. I don't know that he watches these. Although I think he's got about 17 minions doing his bidding. It's one of the most fascinating men I've ever met. He's as ugly as the day is long. He's got 75 bitches. He's got a team of 40 working for him. Three of them are Rupert. Right. I just I can't he's got

a house the size of his house is bigger than yours. It's crazy he's like MTV Cribs this guy. Speaking of MTV. Oh, that was a great show, too. But I heard a lot of the Cribs were fake. What? I think a lot of the hip hop houses were just phony houses. Crib death. I had no idea.

Some were real. Some were fake. Damn. I wish I was your lover. Remember, they'd always go in the fridge, like, what's in the fridge? And it would be like crazy amounts of energy drinks and beer. And I'm like, who actually lives like this?

You have to go shopping every day to have this. I think they're probably advertisements. Oh, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I may be. Every single episode to the T. Not on the shit. Okay, well shit works.

But they go to the bedroom and they go, this is where the magic happens. And you go, can't we get a new line here? Superman can't walk. There was a comedian, Dave Greenberg, I probably told you this. He quit, he got married, he left. He was a redheaded Jew and he was hilarious. Yuckaroo, double whammy. He had a great joke. He goes, the Cribs, they always say, this is where the magic happens. He goes, if I gave a tour of my house, I couldn't get away with saying, this is where the magic happens, even if I was levitating my race car bed.

Pretty fun. That's funny. And then he had another one, you gotta remember, he was four years in. He said, I think I've told you this joke a million times. He goes, we were a very poor family. For Halloween, I went out as Winnie the Pooh. I wore a red T-shirt and no pants.

I like it. Very funny. Anyways, he quit. Honeypot. I might quit pants. I like it. Very funny. Anyways, he quit. Ah, honeypot. I might quit myself. Tigger please. Whoa! Yeah, yeah, sounds like a funny guy. But yeah, that crib show, you're right. Now that I'm looking back, it's had a lot of holes in it. Yeah, but still cool. Cool show. All right, you want to tell me about London? Where should we start? I want to hear this whopper. Okay, because it's it's whoppy to you And me it might not be whoppy to them. Well you build it up for six weeks and now you're bringing it back down

I know I know I did too much building. Well, I got these fucking onions in my head going who cares about this? What do I care? Son of onions That's a different onion, right? I'm thinking of a dahlia very excited about my cup of tea onion right I'm thinking of a dahlia very excited about my my cup of tea I double cook too and cookies maybe we should lay it on a tarp for the crumbs what he really took his time getting over there this son of a bitch yeah oh there he is that one's oh that was too fast the mobile order as a is a move I would never do oh boy can't get through Peter oh my god he just blew up the tea

just exploded it's no way that's hot the tea, just exploded in his face. No way! That's hot tea! I don't know, something just went up in his face for a second there. I don't know, he said something. Oh, well, we're gonna get sued with the burn. We should have hit his mic while he was going. Alright, so here we go.

Can I just give you a few seconds? Yes, yes! Because I'm dying to tell you, my friend, forget these people. Let me just get right into it. I'll just shoot right through this thing. So I'm out and clear, and I wish I could preface, but if I preface, it'll give away the big explosion. But you know, you don't need the preface. They need the preface. You don't need the preface. All right. Fill it in. Okay. Preface. So I'm in Cleveland. I got to sneeze.

I'm wearing the Hilarity sweatshirt. Great club. Great time. great food. I got a sneeze you fill in all right. I love that's a beautiful room Last time I headline there my opener. This is how good the club is Last time I hit oh, thank you last time I headline there my opener shot his special as the opener Because we did like seven shows which opener Sean Murph Oh Murph dog funny guy Oh, which opener Sean Murph Oh Murph dog funny guy Meryl steep Too hot in the hot tub. Yeah, I told you you're gonna get sued like McDonald's You steep what you sew oh

Yeah Oh shit! Ah! It's hot! You told me you burned yourself! I ran across the street and I got it all over my finger. I have to go to the hospital. Oh no! Burn. My tongue! I can go eat pussy now. Bernie Sanders. Jesus fuck! Why'd you tell me to sip it? How long you gotta wait for that to? That would annoy me. I wanna just drink it right away.

Wow, it's meditative. It's nice. If you take take the lid off you can kind of fast-forward it a little bit there you go I really just burned the shit of myself. That was horrible take the top off like little gift for a creature Anyways, okay, so I'm in Cleveland doing hilarities now when I'm on the road I try to I'm trying to stay fit here. I go to equinox. I do kettlebell workouts. I'll go to the gym or I'll run But Cleveland you don't really want to run because it's a little Die you have to run if you want to go in through. Yeah, try to walk in that casino. It's fucking. Holy Shit, it's like I would say it's the wire meets walking dead. It's just Psycho criminals with like fentanyl heads. It's terrible and I had a homeless guy put hands on me as well

Let's hear it fatty walk it with bulger and I saw he was like behind one of those like ads You know in the street Yeah, the thing and he kind of like I watched him kind of hide and he pops out and he goes got any money Whoa said no and he goes what the fuck Wow, that's like his move. He's one of those guys. He has a thing. What the fuck? Oh, he's got a catchphrase, but he kind of like shup yeah WTF I mean I gotta tell him it's taking a breather um so yeah and then I go what Jesus and then there was a guy the neck that guy didn't even bother me even though he

touched me 40 feet down the street there's a guy with hospital bands on each wrist and he starts following a bulger I. We had to duck into like a little ladies shop. Wow! It was one of those ones where it's like clang-a-lang and the lady's like welcome in! I'm like I'm just hiding from a psychopath. Oh I picked you guys both coming out with dresses on. That's funny. That's a pit. We could write it. Let's do it. Outside the box. Yeah. So anyways in in Cleveland, homeless people, I'm trying to stay fit. And so what I try to do is I try to book a class ahead of time. Cause if you pay and sign up, you feel like, all right, I gotta go.

What are we talking? Biology, science, reading, exercise, orange theory, whatever it is. You do the spin cycle or whatever it's called? Some kind of shit. I mean, normally I'll just go to the gym, but they didn't have kettlebells and that's what I like to do these days. You gotta stay diverse with your workouts

or else you just get tired of it. That's true. And then you're like, ah, what do I give a fuck? Right. And then I've been running a bunch. So I was like, you beat up your body running on cement. So I was like, let me go do yoga, which I did a few months ago in, I forget what city,

I brought Matt Wayne and so I got him in there. So yoga is good because it's an hour and it's hot. I like a hot yoga. Love a hot. Because you're pouring sweat, it's humid, and you just, when I work out, I want to finish and be wet. Yeah. You know what I mean?

That feeling of like, I'm gassed. I'm fucking, my clothes are wet. My balls are wet. My asshole's bleeding. It's like giving a blow job. You want to get wet. Oh, I want to, I want to blow somebody. I've always wanted to blow somebody.

I'm here, buddy. I appreciate that. You're a good friend. I try. If I, if I had, if I had cancer, if I was like Joe Biden, stage nine cancer that I've been hiding for years and I said, I'd like to blow you as my bucket list. How do you feel? I feel flattered. I made the bucket, but boy, that would be weird. Well, I'm dead soon. Yeah. I mean, the Patreon would go up. But yeah, that's a tough one.

All right, I'll blow somebody else. Yeah, blow. We're so close. Yeah, blow Matt Wayne or Dustin. Dustin needs a beach. Matt Wayne is pale, he's got red hair. I can't blow him. What about Sam?

He's tall. Nah, he's not fun though. He's not fun. We'd have a good time with the beach. Yeah, we'd be silly. Sam would be bouncing bits. I'd be sucking them off and he'd be like, what if you ever have a blowjob that the, I don't know, you know what I mean? Yeah, I could cut the tension with a fart while you're blowing me. Right. I'd have to pull up and

be like, I don't see it, but I know you'll have a great bit out of it. That's Sam. He bounces a bit. I'm like, there's nothing there. Two weeks later, I see it. It's the best bit I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. He knows his voice. He's good. He's a magician. But anyways, I don't want to blow you. I'll blow somebody else. Thank you. So I'm in Cleveland. So Thursday, I go work out in the gym, no kettlebell. I just do some bullshit. It wasn't a satisfying workout. But good for you for going. So I go Thursday night, I go, let me sign up for yoga. That way I'll have a work. I'll have a commitment. I make a commitment to myself. What's a yoga class going for these days with the inflation and the tariffs? Cleveland, it's like 15 bucks. Wow! No one's going. That's why. They're all fat

Clevelanders. Well, I'll tell you who's going. It's like me and seven of the hottest women. That's the other thing that's nice about these yoga classes. Now, I can't sit here and lie. I love yoga. I've been doing yoga since I was 25. I used to do it a lot more. But there is something nice about being in a room with seven or eight hot bodied sweaty women. Hell yeah. You know? So I sign up, I go, the teacher's name is Emma, a lovely gal. She had, she was like hot and cute, but like arm tattoos. Oh, okay. You don't like that? No, I do like that. Oh yeah, me too. I like anything I do like that. Oh yeah me too. I like anything. Yeah true and even dicks. Fat black pussy cat I like it all. Great room. So I take the class it's me and a few people there's one other guy there which I always hate you always

hate the one anytime you're in a place where there's not many guys you want to be the only guy. Yeah good point. I'm like who's this fucking guy? Right. And he was, yeah, he looked like Timothy Shaleman. Oh, come on. And then after the class, what do you make of this white guy? He goes up to the instructor. He goes, yo, you got to sell this to athletes. And I'm like, what does that mean? Sell this, sell it. The idea of yoga, sell yoga to athletes. Yoga, they're out for a thousand years. It doesn't make sense. You should sell this? sell it? the idea of yoga? sell yoga to athletes? they've been around for a thousand years yeah doesn't make sense you should sell this to Indian people what are you talking about? anyways do the class it's a great class it's hot as fuck the teacher she goofed a couple times she was like said left foot

over right we had to the corrector she had the wrong leg she forgot a couple exercises but still fun and it was with dumbbells it was like ankle weights and five pound dumbbells. We're doing like these things. So do the class, feel great. Great way to start the day. I feel good. I'm showing up for myself as we say. The next, that night we do two shows. I go, you know, maybe I'll do yoga. There was a 5k, which I like to do. So I was like, maybe I'll sign up for the 5k. I was like, but again, it's like, then you got to register, go find your bib. Which I do love a race, but then I'm like, also, like I said, I'm trying to beaten up my knees and I really liked the yoga. I'm just going to do yoga again. Not a lot of raises I like. So I'm going to do hot yoga again. I look, I find same class 7 30 a.m. Little early, little early, very early. What

do you mean little? It's early, but I naturally wake up early and I'm like, this is a good way to start the day. Let me just do it. And I can always nap. I don't got anything going on. Oh, you're a napper on the road. I'll nap. Oh, good for you. Sign up for the class. Happy head at home. Whatever, I go, I do two shows of hilarities. Dan Bulger's opening, he's killer. Great shows. Nick is there, he's 83 years old. Oh, he's a sweet sweet hunk of pie. Fucking best guy. Literally like an idol of mine. Really? Well, he's just so beautiful. He holds you by the arm. He's 82 years old. He's everything your dad isn't. Exactly. Last time I was there, he was holding the arm. He's 82 years old. He's everything your dad isn't.

Exactly. Last time I was there, he was holding my arm and he's like, I'm so proud of you. You took something you wanted to do. Every time you come, the ticket sales go up. Oh my God. And he's literally like, you're bringing so much joy. He's like, feel the laughter. That's why I'm here every night. I love the laughter. I love you. I'm getting misty here, Fetty. And he did it this time too, he just, he takes you by the hand, he gives you a tour, the guy's 83, he looks great.

He looks amazing, he's ripped. It's just amazing, and then they play a video because it's the 40th anniversary, it's Seinfeld, Sebastian, Bobby, Bill Burr, all these people talking about how much the club means to them. Ah, it's a beautiful room, but, and he he also does the you got eight piles of food here, 19 meatballs, seven pizzas, four salads and a soup. And he goes, get some food. You get more food.

It's tremendous. And also, Sam is so nice. The man is the best. Scott, I've known for years. They're just awesome. And they're huge fans. Oh, yeah. Like home. Great club. Great time.

Can't wait to get back. Hey, folks, Tuesday stories brought to you by Sheath. You know I'm wearing it right now. It's all I wear. It's all the wife wears. It's all he wears. He's my wife. It's getting sticky outside. Don't let your dicking balls bear the brunt of it. Get Sheath underwear and stay cool all summer long. Sheath underwear has two pouches. Put your dick in one pouch, your balls in the other and keep everything nice and separated. They're the best. That's all I wear. I've thrown every other pair out of Rando undies.

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So I do the shows and I go and then of course every night you sign up. This is why you got to make a commitment. You go to bed. It's like 12 o'clock. I'm like seven, I'm going to get up at seven thirty and go do yoga. Yeah. I was like, I'll play it by ear. I'll set my alarm, I'll see how I feel. Feels like community service. I wake up at 7.10 a.m. And of course you have that voice, just hit stop, just go back to bed. But I go, I already paid, I fucking,

younger, earlier me wanted to do it. Yes. You know what I mean? I'm like, just fucking do it. Good for you. You're committed. You're going. So I pearl myself out of bed. I don't even brush my teeth. Wow.

Throw on some pants, some shorts, and both shoes in the same foot. Yeah, yeah. I got a jog there because I'm like, it's 7.15. I like to get my spot. I get a little water. I got to rent a fucking mat. Yeah.

My heart is fluttering talking about this. Oh boy. I'm nervous to tell the story story because this is huge. Oh, well, all right. Well, get to it. Dickless. I jog over there. I see three homeless people that tried to rape me the day before. I'm stepping over a guy that shoved me in the morning. What the hell? What was it again? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Good podcast. So I get in there. I open the door. Clangity clang clang, I look up, I freeze.

My ex-girlfriend is behind the counter, who I haven't seen in seven and a half years. We lived together 17 years ago. You remember, we first became friends right after she left me. I was down in the dumps, doesn't even describe it. I almost killed myself, I was suicidal, I was panicky. Bucket list, unbelievable!

She lives in Cleveland. Last I saw her, she lived in San Diego. I thought she was in Denver. She's from Denver. We lived together in New York. She moved to Argentina, that's why we broke up. Peru, Peru, I went down to, Peru, we were together, remember?

Yes, yeah, well Beth Becca Becca One man show I remember I had to watch it multiple times you have to well I try to support you It was a good show. Oh my god back. This is great. You met her at Caroline. She said you weren't attractive She was great in bed. She was Irish. Yes, yes, I remember Becca. It's crazy. So, I mean, it's just unbelievable. I haven't seen this woman. I looked it up. Seven and a half, last time I saw her I was with you at Ari's Storytelling Show in Denver. At the Comedy Works.

At 2018, January 20th, 2018. Wow. You know, you just, we were friendly, whatever, you just kind of fall the wayside. Sure, sure. Well, you were a young man, young love. So it's crazy for the folks at home. I'm sure you've heard about it a million times. We did the whole, I did a whole Ari show, entire podcast about going to Peru with this

woman. Yeah, you got food poisoning or she did. She almost died. She shit her pants in front of my face. She had black and white horizontally striped underwear. I was rubbing her back. We were in a tent, a two-person tent. Oh, pants tent.

And she went, like just a fucking Dunkin' Donuts coffee of a shirt just blasting right in my eye. Oh my Lord. And then the Kike, our guide, came out and gave her Tylenol. He's like, you need Tylenol? I'm like, Tylenol? She needs a helicopter. It's going to die.

She needs a miracle. So anyways, we lived together. I met her at Caroline's. I was bombing. She was last.. So anyways, we lived together, I met her at Caroline's, I was bombing, I said, whoever's back there, I'm in love with you, I met her afterwards, I had already told her I loved her, we moved in after six weeks, it was crazy. Yeah, wow, wee, she's a cute lady.

You got that straight. And so you just walk in, ding-a-ling, and then you see old BB. I was shocked, I mean, I've never seen, it's the craziest thing. Even now, I can't wrap my tits around it. I mean, picture going to Omaha, and you see Megan. Yeah, well, hey, you got it.

And she's teaching your ski class. Oh, man, holy shit, that's crazy. And oh, man, it's Mickey. I mean, I couldn't even get words. I was shaking, I looked like an asshole. And by the way, she knew I was coming because I signed up. So it says Joseph List at Joe List Comedy or whatever.

She could probably do some googs and you're at the club. Well, I think her brother is a fan of our show. He's a Tuesday. Hey, all right. She's a nice lady. We really like her. Yeah, so, and then you don't talk to someone for eight years. You're like, maybe she hates me. I don't know. Maybe she heard the podcast. I talked about you know, flicking a butt seat off my cock one time or whatever it is

But so I'm literally shake. I'm like And now I gotta do yoga in eight minutes. Oh my god, we do do exchange pleasantries. You go. How you doing? You give her free tickets. What's the move? No, we fucked on a map. Hey! It's crazy.

Downward Anal. How you doing? This is crazy. She's like, how's it going? I'm like, what are you doing in Cleveland? You live in Cleveland? And this woman, I mean, she went to, you know, Bhutan and, you know, wherever the fuck else it was.

Bhutan, Yardim. Some other place, Argentina, Bolivia, the whole thing. Dina Turner. Peru. Yeah. else it was some other place Argentina Bolivia the whole thing Turner Peru yeah and she's from Denver and moved to San Diego I thought who moves to Cleveland no offense cleave but that's not really like a destination that's why that's why I said I was like I thought she would live in India before she'd live in Cleveland yeah but her husband's a doctor and they had a Cleveland clinic I didn't know about this guy I don't like him yeah I don't like him from the get-go.

This guy feels like trouble, but at least she's tied down, you know, and she's happy. Well, how about this? We get to talking. We had seven minutes for a class. We had babies four days apart. What the hell? October 27th, October 23rd. She didn't know I was a father, so I busted out 58 photos. Then, by the way, it's weird catching up with an ex that you haven't seen in eight years, because you gotta be like,

I live in Battery Park City, I'm a millionaire, my teeth are straight, my father's gay, I just did The Tonight Show. Yeah, Herpes is still there, but everything else! Herpes, roots, whatever, but I'm just sending her YouTube clips, I'm like 10 million views on YouTube. Just did The Tonight Show, bitch. But you know what's wonderful?

It's like the George Costanzi. If you take everything I've ever accomplished and condense it down to a couple hours, it looks decent. Yes, yes. You know me, I have such a hard time connecting to anything I've accomplished. I just hate myself. Yeah, sure, sure.

Horrible self-esteem and the whole thing. But when you're talking to somebody you haven't seen in years, you're like, oh yeah, I have a kid. I live in Battery Park City. We have a balcony. I just did The Tonight Show. My movie's in the theaters.

My special's coming out in the theaters next week. I got a YouTube. Just hit 10 million. This is, Chris, a good point. When you start explaining to somebody else who hasn't seen you in years, you're like, this is pretty crazy. That's true, because you barely finish high school. You don't go to college. You work at Sears. You become an alcoholic. Blah This is pretty crazy. It's true because you barely finish high school, you don't go to college, you work at Sears,

you become an alcoholic, blah blah blah, but from her on, you're cooking. Yeah, all I needed was, you know, a swift kick in the asshole by the love of my life leaving me abruptly. But I guess so. But it was insane, but this is the crazy thing is so now, I haven't seen this person, I never possibly even would have considered that she might be in Cleveland, Ohio Not in a million including at a yoga class that I just randomly went to downtown It's like your Forrest Gump and it's Jenny. That's what it felt like. Yeah, you're at the million man march or whatever and she's like LAST! I HAVE AIDS! I HAVE AIDS AND YOUR SON! Well, no hug, but whatever.

And then, you have to go, okay, let's go start yoga class. So now I'm just being taught yoga by the woman for an hour. Holy hell, man. And she's grabbing my hips and adjusting me. Oh, you get the old feelings back. But she walks in, she's got the earpiece like Madonna. Sure, I'm at rife. And she goes, does he do that?

Yeah, it's a shame. Oh boy. He's handsome, they can do whatever they want. He's from Ohio, I think. That's right, Cleveland. So, yeah, she walks in and then she goes, this is Joe List, he's a famous comedian. Cause she starts laughing. Oh, don't blow me up here, sister. She's like, this is Joe List, he's a comedian. I go, we dated 18 years ago, I didn't know she was here. And the, you know, the crowd starts clapping. It's like a Hallmark movie. It's me and a bunch of yoga girls. So then afterwards, I'm pouring sweat. It's like twice as hard as yesterday's class.

I think she was trying to teach me a lesson or something. And your heart was pounding from the love. Oh, it was pounding. And I was pounding years ago. But it was so crazy. The whole time you got to try to compartmentalize. Right. Because every couple seconds I'm like, what the fuck?

Holy, this is insane. Of all the gin joints and all the yogurts. That's exactly what I said. Crazy. It was insane. And so then she's running the half marathon the next day. She's like, I got to go get my bib. The bib, I like the cut of her bib.

So I go, you can't drive over there. The road's closed because it's a race today. But I go, I know how to get there. She's never been to downtown Cleveland, even though she lives there. I've been going for years. To Dicey? Well, I think she just lives in the suburbs.

I see. First of all, her husband's a doctor. Yeah. And they're in Cleveland. They're probably the richest man in town, like George Bailey. Good point. So I walked her over there.

We caught up. I said, this is that. She's been doing this, I've been doing that, we had some laughs and it was great and then the next day... A chub at all? No chub. Okay, that's good. Well first of all, I'm 43 years old. I'd go a full weekend without a chub or jerking off. Whaaaaat? That's unheard of. I'm telling you. A full weekend. Well I'm just in my own head, I got the shows and we're very busy right now. That's true, we're I'm telling you. A full weekend. Well, I'm just in my own head. I got the shows and the, we're very busy right now.

That's true. We're busy people. You got a publicist for Pete's sake. I know. It's only when I go home and I'm back in bed with a woman that I'm like, oh, sex. Ah, right, right. Yeah, you gotta be there. Well, once sex is out of the possibility,

you're kind of like, oh, what am I doing? What do I care? Yeah, good point. That's how I feel anyways. Well, it's a lot of work. If I went to a t, oh, what am I doing? What do I care? Yeah, good point. That's how I feel anyways. Well, it's a lot of work. If I went to a titty bar, I'm sure I'd chub that. Wow, sure, sure. Okay, sorry, a chub, that was a chub break.

But Nick Chubb, so yeah, we walked around and it felt like Forrest Gump. You bump into each other and you walk around all night, but it was like 20 minutes in the morning. Becca, I saw her ruin your Black Panther party. So then the next day was the race. Yeah. And this race takes off from right outside the hotel.

Oh, I was leaving at seven 30, the race is at seven. So I was like, I'll come over at six 40. So we caught up again. Oh my God. You hand her a hot tea. Nah, but it was like old times, you know, you're making her laugh. And what I always love to continue to love about this person is my favorite quality in a person. She thinks I'm the funniest person.

Oh, yeah. So she's on the floor pissing her pants laughing. I'm doing my best. I'm just doing my act for her. You missed out there, Becky. Becca. Oh, especially now. I got the cash. You got the cash, you got the teeth, you got the kid, you got the apartment. Forget about it. You got the Statue of Lib right outside your cunt.

You've got that straight. So that was great. And then ran the race. I was being a silly goose. Yeah. It was fun. And then later she texts like, I can't believe we saw each other in Cleveland.

This is so crazy. So now it feels like, oh, great, we can text a little bit. Sure, sure. I mean, I haven't talked to her since. But it's nice to catch up with an ex when there's no, you've moved, you're married, you have kids, there's no animosity, there's no more, like you said this, I did that, if we had only had this. You just see the person and it breaks it down

into the brass tacks of what you liked in the first place. Yeah, yeah. And it's nice to see her when you're doing all right. Of course. If I was featuring, I would have left the class and stolen a yoga mat. You hear that, Bolger? You gotta step it up. Just kidding. But I mean, shock, Jerry. Of all the people, that's so crazy. It didn't make sense. I couldn't register it I mean I was frozen the door and literally like shit I was like let me show you a photo of my baby Wow and you were just jogging there too you're worried about the time

getting a water so it really couldn't have hit you with more of a splash I mean my heart was right I was buzzing for the day Wow because you prepped me. I talked to yesterday and you were like, got a big story. You're not gonna believe who I run into. And I'm such a comedy homo. I'm like, maybe you met Seinfeld. Maybe you met Larry. Maybe you met Richard Pryor. Well, I'll take this over Larry. Well, sure, sure. This means something. Larry would go, who? What? Don't touch me. Well, you also had that thing of like, I just thought I wouldn't see this person again

in my life. Yeah. I mean, eight years, you're like, well, all right, we're doing our own thing and whatever. Unbelievable. Unreal. Wow. And everything's copacetic. You guys are all that's nice too that you see your old ex and there's no bullshit. Well, we had a real bless you. We had a relationship post... I mean, we only dated for a year and a half. It was 17 years ago. Wow, you acted like you guys were married with children. Well, we lived together. I was in love.

She touched my leg. And then also, you know, we went to Peru together for 10 days, which was an extraordinary trip. And then we almost took another trip. When I first started dating Sarah, we hadn't dated like three months. She was like, you want to go to Bolivia with me? And I was like, Oh my God. I think it was Bolivia, something like that. I was like, Oh my God, Peru was amazing. I wouldn't mind,

but I'm dating this girl. What do I do? Wow. Hilarious. And then ultimately she was like, you know what? We can't, you got a girlfriend now. It's crazy. Yeah. You're right. Damn. But I almost was like, Hey Sarah, I'm going to go meet my ex in Bolivia. We had only been dating like three months or something like that. So who knows what would have happened then? I'd be living in Cleveland right now. By the way, she moved there for her husband. So I guess we wouldn't be in Cleveland. That's true. Can we sidestep and just talk about the fact that you wrote a one man show? That is a lot of work. And you put that together with music cues and visual aids and regular aids. That's a good point Yeah, it was a good show and then Colin Quinn gave the funniest advice ever. I think I told you the show was called

There Will Be Pigs Because she said that about you she said that because I talked about how all the girls I had had sex with before were all pigs Yeah, I was a drunk asshole. I checked her fattest women alive. Yeah, Rupert. And, because that's all, I had such low self-esteem, Jerry. That's all I did was fuck gross women with hair on their tits. We've all been there. And so, then I had sex with her,

she was wonderful and sweet and everything I've ever wanted in a human being, and, except for loving me. Sure, sure, well that's tough. Tom. That's a tall order. I'm a tall order. Harry Stitz, I remember her by the way. So, when we were breaking up,

I called all the women and I fucked pigs. Yeah. And then when we were breaking up, she was sad and I was like, I'll love you forever. She's like, I know, but there's gonna be pigs. Ah, that's a great title. And I was obsessed with They'll Be Blood, so I was like, they'll be pigs.

So then Colin Quinn, who's a dear friend, he came and watched the show, which I can't even believe that he did that. To the creek in Queens. I know. And then after the show, he's like, first things first. He's like, the title, the title is horrific. I love the title. He goes, if I didn't know you, I think you're a complete psycho. He's like, you're calling your girlfriend a woman who's just horrible to you. She leaves you and it's shitty. And then you're calling all these other women just pigs. Like he's like, you're just referring to women as pigs.

He's like, it's completely unbefitting of the show. He's like, the show is you're this like sweet boy who will do anything for this woman. But you're referring to women as pigs. Well, the other women. Right. And I was like, yeah, it's not a bad point. Not a bad point. It wouldn't help marketing. No. But anyways, I did the show a couple of times. But again, I just didn't believe in myself. So whatever.

I feel like we could dust that thing off and you know, you get a slow year where you can't figure out an act. Put that puppy out there. You got fans out there. They come out to see it. They want to hear about your backstory. They want to hear about Bethany. I think you really put that out there. That could be something. It could be something, because there's a lot of great jokes in there. A lot of funny stuff. I got Last Comic Standing. I looked into the camera and I said, I miss you, Becca.

I have emails where I email her. I was like, I'm going to be a celebrity. It's crazy. Then I got edited off the show. She invited me to Peru. I thought I was going to get back together. Yeah. The shitting, the guy, Tic-Tou. Kike. We slept in a ro-

Her and I talked about this the other day. We slept in a honeymoon bed. Wow. It was just a big bed with the mosquito net thing. But not mosquito, like the romantic flower. And then we just platonically laid next to each other. Ah, a little Philly break your heart. It's a big bed with like the mosquito net thing. But not mosquito, like the romantic flower. And then we just platonically lay next to each other. Ah, little Philly break your heart.

But I'm also such a homo, we should have fucked there. Of course. Like I flew all the way to, this is why I have no self-esteem, Jerry. I told you, I had a comic, female comic, I'll tell you later, one time say, I wanna make you breakfast. And I was like, I'm not a breakfast guy.

True story. Judy Gold will never forget true story. So this woman is like come meet me in Peru She's single. I'm single we dated we were in love. We're in the honeymoon suite. We shared a tent. Ah Pants I should have tried to thumb her asshole or something fuck her through the shit Blew it damn it. Wow, what wow, what a time, what a time. But it all worked out, you got a beautiful, lovely wife now and a beautiful fat kid and a beautiful life. Well, the baby, Sarah and I broke up yesterday. I see.

No, it's awesome. And you know, I wouldn't change anything, and well, maybe I wouldn't have mind getting laid in Peru, but you know, I might have made it weird. If I leaned in, she might have been like, get the fuck away from me. We're ending this trip early. So you never know. It all worked out great.

Here I am in a basement talking about eating cum and my tea is too hot. My tongue's burned. That's a win. That's a win. But boy, it was something special. That is, that's a beautiful story. It's a shock. It's an awe, but then it all winds up great. The 5k, TK, good times.

It was really special and I don't know what to tell you. One of the craziest moments of my life. It's serendipitous. Yeah, well that's the shit you'd see in a movie. And you go, okay, so he walks into a yoga store and there's a goddamn horror doing the counter. Come on. Well, yeah, if you sent it to a producer, they'd be like, why is she in Cleveland? Exactly. That doesn't make any sense.

Well she's married to a doctor, eh, feels like a stretch. It was crazy, and we had kids four days apart. So we were showing, this is my baby, that's your baby, it was really beautiful, and I think, you know, there's something, as Jackson Brown said, I'm looking back carefully, cause there's still something there for me.

You know, all these things happen for a reason. And I think one of the reasons was to connect with what I've accomplished, what I've beautiful my life is. I completely agree. It took the past to show you the present. Exactly. And you have this thing where you're like, oh my God, I love my wife and life and son so much. It worked out so beautifully.

And there was all that pain, but the pain is subside. I don't feel any of that anymore. I don't feel any anger or this or that anymore. And you just go, it's like the end of Annie Hall. But he's like, I'm just so grateful I had met you when we had that time together. That's what it is. And it was just wonderful.

And then you're also like I can't wait to get home to my wife and call her and you tell her the story. She's like that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Oh yeah. And yeah it was just beautiful. That's a beautiful thing and boy no one can ever say just to sidetrack back to the work part of it no one can ever say you didn't give it a shake, a fair shot. Oh I gave it a shot. You know you you had this career in Beantown, you'd open it for Dane Cook, DePaulo, whoever, and then you moved to New York, you drink a lot of it away, and then you go back to the open mic scene, you wrote a one-man show, you got Montreal, you put an act together,

and then one brick by brick, here you are with straight teeth. And the fourth special is out now or later. When does this come out Chuck? What day is it? 2020. Soon it's the 26th. Oh. Next Monday. Okay. Great. Okay. So the special is coming out this week I think. We did it in theaters. It was awesome. Yes. Yes. Tonight's the premiere. No. What? Oh, the night that we're recording. Oh yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Tonight's the big premiere. It went great. It was awesome. Sold out all over America. And the special, what I'm going to do is I'm going to put, what do you think of this? Put the special on Punch-Up without too much fanfare publicity. Just say, hey, tweet it out. It's

on Punch-Up for a couple of days. Yep. Couple of bucks. So the diehards, no, no, no cash. Oh, okay, okay. Just the emails. I just want those emails and I'll never spam you. I just email when I'm coming to your town and then it'll go on YouTube after. Now it might affect the YouTube views, which everyone judges and they'll all write to me

and go, oh, it's left. Sure. Because I had it in the movie theater and then Punch Up and then YouTube, but. Yeah, yeah. You try to use all the buffalo, as they say. what is the upside of the the Punch Up? Get those emails. Oh the email, oh that's good. And this is why you want the emails. I was in Cleveland, four different, count them, one, two, three, four people recognized me on

the street, wanted to take photos, two's gays, no idea I was in town. There you go, happens all the time. You cannot believe how little our reach is. I know. Even when you're selling tickets, I sold a thousand tickets. Right. But there's still a minimum of four people that went, what? Is that on us, is that the club, is that the internet,

is that puncha, I don't know who to blame for that. I think a lot of people don't listen all the way through to plugs, You see it all the time. Yeah, I don't. I listen to pods. I go, oh, they're plugging. I'm out. Right.

We do it at the end, too, which is probably stupid. Yeah, Theo does it up top, by the way. Yeah, we should do it up top or in the middle. We've got to see that. Why don't we just do it? It's so easy. I'm just so, I have such low self-esteem, I assume. I'll go, hey, I'm in Cleveland.

They're going to go, boop. I just forget, also. And then I think algorithmically people only like 2% of the people see your stories or see your thing. I know, I know. That's why email, everyone makes fun of email lists but it's effective. It is. That's how I see bands all the time. I went to Tineski trucks last night they emailed me and go we'll be at the Beacon. I'll be there too. I'm with it. I still follow Louie's email or I'm subscribed and I get like the ham and whatever and I'm like oh

Louie's and that so it does work I read like the hey I'm in whatever and I'm like oh Louie's in that so it does work, I read them. Right, so get on the email list, sign up for the email list, the professionals coming out, small ball, first punch up, then whatever I said, YouTube and I'm in Atlanta this weekend, the punch line. There you go, come out ATL, hot Atlanta, that's a great comedy town.

Absolutely, oh and Denver, speaking of Denver on my mind, ComedyWorks, September 18th to the 20th. Get those tickets in advance, because last time I was there we added a show, everything sold out clean, so get them early. That's gonna go quick, I'm going to Bolger, Dan Bolger, I'll be in Bolger, so write. Boulder. Boulder, sorry.

There goes that ticket. But I'm thinking about Dan in my head. I'll be in Boulder in November, October area. So check that out as well if we're talking Colorado. Yeah. And Dallas, we added a show, come on out. DC is on sale and I'm coming to San Diego. It's gonna be a big show, just saying.

I'm working on something. Balboa? No, no, no. It's a different theater. I've done the Balboa, but this is a different theater because I'm working on something. Balboa? No, no, no. It's a different theater. I've done the Balboa, but this is a different theater because I'm working on something special going on. Something's cooking out in San Diego and DC. So let's fill those up to the Lincoln Theater, which is an iconic place.

And I'm going to Australia. We'd love to have you. Good time, mate. All the other show, Rochester, fucking Portchester, Albany, the Crumbs, but yeah so look at this guy hold on. That's a pirate. I don't want to be a pirate, but pirate. So what are you gonna be? Check. It's a name for a band, the Crumbs. Oh yeah, Harry Crumb. I think there's a good idea, why don't you do you guys riff up front on every episode and then you get into stories? Yeah. Do dates at the end of the riff so then it's like 10 minutes in that's not bad it's not

immediate but you get it in the front you only think it's a hurt the momentum because sometimes you're riffing just want to ride that wave but well you guys normally do riff riff riff look at my shirt can you believe this and then you go all right anyway yeah we record the. Oh, and then you plug it in. That way we don't have to worry about the momentum. That's that's good. Win win. Um, Jack hates it because it's not his idea. No, I like it. I just think that people when people do see the transition, that's when they fast forward. That's when the ads because the ads are in the middle. People hate

transitions. Uh, but uh, check out my podcast, fun bearable with comedian Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. It's a lot of fun. We do a lot of weird stuff and we're doing a live show on Sunday, June 1st at the Comedy Connection in East Providence, Rhode Island. Come on out. A lot of Tuesdays came out last, when we did our summer show last year. Really, really fun.

It's not just a live podcast. There's improv elements. There's a lot of segments. We did a big prank last year that got the attention of Narragansett Beer. So I think they're going to print custom cans for us at the show and sell them. That's insane. With my buddy Brad. Cause we made, we did this big prank where we made a fake hot dog business for him and we sent out advertisements all over the country. Yeah. And so Narragansett's making a hot dog seltzer can with that logo that we used for the prank last year.

No. So cool. If this podcast blows past our podcast I will kill myself. It can happen. I'm starting that podcast with Quinn. I mean that's gonna get some numbers. But uh yeah funbearablepod.com for tickets and yeah Sunday June 1st at the Comedy Connection in East Providence Rhode Island come on out it's a lot of fun. Our Patreon is hot right now. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, we got a lot of cool new stuff, a lot of videos. We got the new green room hang.

The new green room hang. Great talk in the basement about your new special, the next one. We got Zoom, some fun Zoom stuff. And what else? We had something with you. Well, we did a couple. Oh, you're shooting tonight?

Oh, we're doing the tonight, the Q&A. Yeah, we're shooting tonight for the premiere at the IFC that'll be really cool. Yeah also I'm in Baltimore forgot I'm going back to Magoobies for the hell of it. So yeah thank you folks we'll see y'all in hell we're good thank you Becca good to see you again praise Allah queef it up I'm Gabe get on the patreon. No one wants to be the sounds I'm in the heavens when legends cry Wormlessly watching the music die