Tuesdays with Stories! - #607 Riceland

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

Joe angers a seat neighbor!  Mark heads to Iceland, Manchester, Birmingham, Cardiff, Bristol, London, Wales Scotland and Ireland! Mark goes to a natural steam lagoon and more stories are bubbling up!  Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 15% off your new Raycon Everyday Earbuds at https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew free with code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Get Dad the comfort he deserves with 30% off during Sheath’s Father’s Day Sale (running until June 15) with code DAD30 at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me And I can't choose what I want to say Hey! We're here, we're queer, we're back on a rainy, balmy New York day in Brooklyn. A rainy night in SoHo. Yee-haw! Here we are same clothes as last week. Oh jeez. I just this is what I wear on Mondays when we record. This is my house dress. I wear this around the home and mow the lawn. This is

my visiting dress. I'm wearing my hilarities hoodie. What a club celebrating 40 years. Great club never talked about it before. I was there last week, I'm there this week. You going to Starbucks? I'm going to peace. Get me a cookie from the bathroom. Yes, you're back in the clubs and you're selling out like hotcakes and I'm doing some clubs too and I can't wait.

Yeah, clubs are fun. I mean, Hilarities is so fun. I'm doing the punchline, Not so fun, but fun. Wait, wait. Oh, it's Atlanta. Atlanta. Yeah, it was a couple. Yeah, it was a couple. What are the other punchlines? Oh, Sacramento. San Fran.

San Francisco punchline. And then there's another one, right? No, maybe not. Oh, Philly. Oh, that's right. Philly is a punchy. Yeah, I do the heel. Yeah, the heel's the way to go.

Nothing against the PL, but that's a high ceiling over there. Uh-huh. But that helium is top five for me. Yeah, I'm excited. It's fun to be on the road. I mean, this past weekend, I was there. I was writing on the road, like sitting at a desk

and properly writing, which I don't get to do that often anymore. It was such a nice feeling. I love creating. There's so much nonsense we have to do. Well, Jim Gaffigan once said, I'd rather get one new line than go to Disney World with my kids or something like that. He's exaggerating.

But I know you know that feeling where you're like, oh, I got this new thing cooking. Yeah, I'd rather do a line of coke. Sure. Hunter Biden. I really wish I could do drugs sometime. You know, I was at the I went to Taneski trucks. Yeah, do tell. Well, it was fun as hell. Ronan ended up coming with me. Oh boy, that's a load Schindler's list. You went down. Well, I went through 50 friends. I mean, I really was going down the list. Yeah. But how about this? This is always a bummer. Do you ever apologize?

And then after you apologize, you're like, wait, why did I apologize? Oh, sure. Sure. They should have apologized. I had that. And then Ronan helped me because he goes, well, apologizing is just a good human instinct. It means you're a nice person. So I go to the show and Buddy Guy is opening, who I've seen many times of a big Buddy Guy fan who's in the movie Sinners, by the way. Have you seen it? I saw it. What do you think? I liked it. All right people are raving I'm talking Oscar buzz. Is it to kill whitey? No I didn't find it that and I'm always bothered by that stuff I didn't get that at all. It's ghosts I mean it's fucking zombie ghost people. Ghost is a slur for the white man. Oh yeah ghost

face killer. Is that what that means? I believe that does. It means it kills white people. That ghost is a slur for the white man. Oh yeah, ghost face killer. Is that what that means? I believe that does. It means he kills white people. That's mean. Yeah. Oh wow. I think so, doesn't it? I don't care for that, give it a gook.

I thought it was a reference to scream. That's what they call him, ghost face killer, is the killer in scream. Is that right? But I think it's a double entendre. Oh wow, I didn't know that. Also, maybe he's just killing white faces. Oh yeah.

What about the white hands and feet and tits? Black people have white, Sammy Sosa, Michael faces. Oh yeah. What about the white hands and feet and tits? The black people have white faces, Sammy Sosa, Michael Jackson. Oh! And Derek Jeter. Dead Presidents, that movie. So, I don't know, but maybe not. I thought Ghostface Killer was like, I kill ghost faces.

Geez, well why am I buying the album from this white hatin' devil? I never bought an album. I didn't either. Was he in the Wu Tang? Yeah. I confused Wu Tang and Bone Th didn't either. Was he in the Wu Tang? Yeah. I confused Wu Tang and Bone Thugs in harmony.

Very different. I didn't really confuse them, but they were on the same time. I get Poon Tang and Pooty Tang and Wu Tang confused. I think a lot of their stuff comes from Kung Fu stuff. It says that he said, ghost face is inspired by a character in the 1979 Kung Fu film Mystery of Chest Boxing. All right.

That's because he's trying to keep the ticket sales coming. Oh, shit. They said, hey, what are you doing? You want to kill Whitey? And he goes, no, no, no. It's a reference to a movie you guys never heard of. Yeah, I never heard. It sounds like a perfect lie.

It's pretty good, because I bought it. I'm like, oh, ninja shit. There you go. If I was like, yeah, I'm the Blackface killer. And they were like, what do you want to kill black people? I'd be like, no, no, it's a cowboy western with Jimmy Stewart that didn't get made. It didn't get, you know, whatever. But if you kill blackface people, that's kind of good because these people are doing blackface and you're capping that ass or whatever.

You see, this is how you get ahead. This is what we're doing here. Blackface people should be killed. Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, we're coming to you. Ted Danson, God's gonna get you soon enough. They just got your buddy Wendt. Al Jolson, came and went. But, um, anyway, oh, so let me tell you this thing that I apologize for, and then afterwards I was like, what's wrong, what the fuck am I talking about? Yes, yes, please. So a buddy guy's opening, and I was a little late, because I got the baby, I like to put him down. And then I decided I'll ride my bike from where I live, World Trade Center to the Beacon Theater.

That's 800 blocks. It's a long walk, Jerry. That is a lot of square footage. It was far. So and then I don't do the electric bike. What? I bought a helmet. Never put, haven't put it on yet.

I put it on the house, which was fun. I was headbutting Sarah. Helmet Lang. Blake, Blake, the part where I said, that felt weird. I didn't look here for it. Yeah. They kind of humor. Just put a beep in there. Re-tart for the layman. Yeah. But anyways, I didn't wear the helmet because I don't want to, what am I going to hold a helmet at a rock and roll show? Oh, bad boomer. Look. So I don't like to take the electric bike because our friend died. So I take the little blue shitty bike. Oh yeah. Like a nine year old on that thing. I'm pedaling and it took me a day and a half to get there. It was like the Oregon trail.

Yeah. I hate people died along the way from dysentery, but remember that scene in Goonies where they let out the older brother's tires Josh Brolin, so he has to go he takes the little girl off the bike And she's like my bike my bike and he's like god damn it. That's how I feel in the blue one Yes, it's very similar because it's like three gears One of them's Richard gear Metal gear top gear. Yeah, what is top gear? always see it on the scroll and I think it's Top Gun and I get excited. It's British car show.

It's a bunch of British fucks going, Hey mate, look at the Porsche! Oh, that's terrible. Yeah, it's a very popular show. Yeah, it's on all the time because literally every time I'm in a hotel, I see it and I go, ooh baby! Oh fuck, gear, not gun. Well, we're changing gears. So anyways, I ride all the way up there, no helmet, Oh, fuck, gear, not gun. Well, we're changing gears.

So anyways, I ride all the way up there. No helmet. I get to the show. I'm a little bit late. I told you the baby and the thing. So they, they see me. I'm in the loge loge four at the beacon. So I I'm cutting in and it's awkward because I'm in the middle of the row and it's pitch black and he's playing with the helmet.

No helmet. Oh good. So I cut in and I get to my seat. There's I have two seats, 38 and 40. It's a theater. So it's evens on one side odds and the other. So they're in 40 and next to each other. So I get there. There's a lady kind of a you could tell she was hot at one point, but now she's 112 years old. Sure. Sure. Been there. She's probably actually 50, but whatever. Same thing. So she's like, what is it? What is it? Like a New York lady like this, fucking wee. And she goes, what seat are you? I'm like,

I'm 38 and 40. And 38's open. She's in 40. And so I get to my seat, someone's in that seat. And I go, I hear, I kick over a drink. And I go, oh Jesus, I just kicked over a drink. She's like, well, that was mine. Oh no. And I went, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And, uh, she's going to put a hex on you. Well, my impression sounds Jewie, but it's, I don't think she was Jew. I think she's just a New York fucking witch guy. It's a horrible team. So you are witches. I go, oh shit. I kicked over a drink. She goes, well, that was mine like that. And I go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And I sit down, it's everywhere.

I go, was it empty? She goes, no, it wasn't empty. It was mine, but it's fine, it's fine. And I go, oh man, I'm sorry. And she goes, well, just let me know when you want me to move. Jeez. And that's the one I started to be like, what the fuck?

And I go, well, I guess when my friend gets here, because Ron now was beating me. That's fair. So then I sit there and there's a big puddle and I go, wait a minute, this woman is sitting in my seat. Oh yeah. And has her $20 cocktail under my other seat. Yeah, that you paid for.

It's pitch black. Why am I apologizing? This is a hundred percent her fault. And if I bought a cocktail and someone was coming up the aisle in the dark I would pick it up. Yeah, move back. I would never put it down to the first place. That's true We're drinking heavy and I had a bottle of water. I still didn't put I hold it like this Yeah, I'm like, I don't want my water on the ground. Whatever dirty ground. Yeah, so I'm like I apologize twice

she was a big asshole about it and now I'm just fuming cuz I'm like You're you're a hundred you're 100% in the wrong here. You're in the wrong seat with the cocktail in the wrong place. You're holding your cocktails under one of my seats. Your ass is in my other seat. Yes. Being an asshole. Right. I'm glad I kicked your drink over. I like it. Yeah. So I hope Ronna unfarted on her. I wish I could take back my apology. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you almost want her to do something shitty so you can go, all right, now I'm gonna unload on you, dickless New York witch.

Well, then she's one of these, I think she wanted to, because the loge was like sitting section I guess. What is a loge? I'm sorry, I'm pretending to know what this is. I still don't know. Every event you go to, baseball, concert, it's all loge. Loge is a good scene. Oh, loge is good.

It sounds bad, like I loge you. Well, there's. Lowe's is a good seat. I'll tell you that. Oh, Lowe's is good. It sounds bad. Like I Lowe's you. Well, there's, um, mezzanine is the floor. Okay. Okay. Like the orchestra. And then balcony. Wait, what's orchestra? That's the front center. That's that wide space they can't even use because they usually have a tuba in there. Right. So there's orchestra, then mezzanine. Yeah.

Then there's balcony and Lowe's isine. Yeah. Then there's balcony and loge is at least at the beacon is between balcony and mezzanine. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Orchestra, mezzanine, loge, balcony. Okay. I don't know what any of it means. No, I've heard of balcony. And loge is also loge box in a baseball game or a basketball game. So it's a box. It's a box. That's good. But this is not really a box. Box is good for everything, or only good for sports and opera. And moving. True, but unless you're in a funeral. I think it's French.

I'm not sure if it's, yeah, it is French. Mid 18th century. But it says a private boxer enclosure in a theater. And then it says specifically in a theater, the front section of the first balcony and in an arena it's a tier of seating between the upper and lower decks. So Lincoln was not Lincoln was in a box. He was in the box box. Okay. But now they might call it a loge because that's exactly what it is the beacon. It's between balcony and the floor. Right.

And it's enclosed. So it's a loge. It it was a nice seat a fine seat and a great show Derek Trucks might be the best guitar player in the world it's fucking insane he could whale baby those old all is he the original no no he's younger okay shit he's a young guy he's probably I don't know how old is he 52 I'm guessing cuz all my trucks those almond songs I mean they're unreal those solos it I don't I mean, they're unreal. Those are solos. I don't even know if they're solos. It's like sounds like 38 guitars going at once. Well, Trucks is he's unbelievable.

Trucks Dayton. How much? 45, 45. OK. Well, he and he's good buddies with Nate Bargatze. Oh, that's insane. His wife, Susan Tedeschi, who's from Norwell and Tedeschi's, you know, Tedeschi's. That it was a convenience store in New England or Massachusetts. I thought it was the black airplane it. G unit. Oh, you know, you knit. I see. I didn't write this fucking come back down my asshole. Nitter, please. But yeah. Okay. That's that's news to me. But any farts the show fucking kicked at the Ron. I got, you know, you give Ron on a ticket. I do a gag. I wasarts, the show fucking kicked at, and Ron, you know, you give Ron on a ticket,

then I do a gag. I was like, the ticket was 175 bucks. He just gave me like 150. And he's like, are you serious? And I was like, no, I'm joking. Yeah. He wants a deli ticket. I am eating $150. Did he say thanks? I think so. Yeah. He was grateful. And he, but then he does this move. He goes, I might get out of here after this song. I go, ah, no sweat. And he goes, he adds this. He goes, I might get out of here after this song. I go, Hey, I had no sweat. And he goes, and then he adds this. He goes, it's great, but it gets old after a while. All right. You got to put salt on it. You cut. And I'm like, wow, these are world-class musicians. They, the guys, maybe the best guitar player in the fucking planet. Yeah.

And everyone's bopping and rocking. I'm having a great time. Just say you got to go. Just say you got to go. It's like the top notch entertainment. You're like, it gets a little old. Yeah, it gets old after a while. I'm like, well, you're old after a while. Right. You're watching Jordan play. Ah, it just keeps going in the hole.

What are we doing here? Right, but a special night. It's always nice to be at the Beacon. And it's fun to be up there. And you think, oh, wow, I'd like to be down there. And you did two shows there, which is insane. Insane, insane. But I saw John Oliver there once and you feel like a kid because you're like, oh, I'm the audience. You go in with the audience, you get your drink, you sit

down. It's exciting. They have the popcorn, the curtain opens, it's opening night. It's Broadway, Jerry. It's very exciting. I'll just say this last thing and then we got to on but I go take a peek at the merch I love merch I've always collected rock shirts I love going to concerts 50 bucks for it we should sell our shirts for more $50 for a t-shirt the tour poster take a guess how much the tour poster it's gotta be ten fifteen dollars for a poster? 50? $100. Ah, you know what that is? Merch party. What that is, is a, the beacon will put their pinky in your ass, and they gotta up it, because

they're gonna lose it on the percentage from those cum guzzlin Nazis. $100 for a poster. It could be screen printed and limited numbers, cause I have some of those. It was very shiny. It was like a reflectiony. What do you call it? Glossy. Yeah, it was glossy, but also.

I just bought one of these. Does it move a little bit? I don't think it moves, but it was it was bright. It was cool. Magic. Oh, like foil. Maybe foil. Danny foil. I don't know. Foiled again. I don't know. Foiled again. I don't know, foiled milk.

It was just $100 for a poster! Was the ink like raised? I don't know, I didn't fucking... What am I, a castle? I didn't sniff it, I just looked at it. I had a foil lance. I think I have a photo of it if you really want to see the thing. Alright, tin foil. I mean, here it is.

100 bucks. Sounds like foil play. No, it doesn't look like anything. That's a piece of paper. It's a fucking poster. That's a jip to Dusky Sandusky. Is it limited, maybe? I don't know.

Maybe it's limited. I mean, yeah, it's limited in that it's a concert. It's three days. They're there again tonight, I think. It might say like one out of 150, though. Maybe that's why. Maybe. And then look at this t-shirt 50 bucks Wow Looking t-shirt 50 dollars very nice shirt

I see that these guys are kicking ass though cuz I did a show there on Monday in that area and it was sold out You went and it was sold out and then tonight is sold out. You know what? I just zoomed in Chuck I didn't know what you're talking about look at that foil knows the stuff regulars 50 what the fuck so it's like oil change I could have got a regular for 50 fuck so I mean different artists try different things I mean that's really cool I just bought one that's lenticular so that one does move cancer it's like you know uh know, you'd have those things that kind of feel like scratchy and plastic

and you can look at the images and you move them and the image moves a little bit. Scratch and sniff. The whole picture is like that. It's one of my favorite artists. How do they not call that a foil painting? Oh, that's good. It's right there.

I wish I got one now for 50 bucks. Oh, you'd go tonight. I don't like this design. I could go tonight. I got my show tonight. Send Ron on his fat ass over there. He owes you. How about this dude? One last Ron on thing. I love go tonight. I got my show tonight. Send Ron on his fat ass over there. He owes you. How about this to one last run on thing. I love the man. He's a sweet guy and hilarious. But I have this thing. So you get ticket master. He goes, I'll transfer you the ticket. So

I transferred the ticket to him. I get up to my seat. I kicked the ladies drink over. We have our thing. I'm sitting there. I'm in the loge. I'm in the box. I'm ready for the band. I'm excited for the band. I get this Hey, man, it won't load. Could you just come down here? Let me in. Oh the worst and I'm like Can you reload or yeah? In here, there's 3,000 people in here. We all got it. Yeah, and I'm like I got took me two flights of stairs I had to stop and get my M&Ms, get my bottle of water, kick over some cunts drink, find my seat, and it's intermission so there's a thousand assholes out there. Right.

And I can't even go back out because I've already scanned my ticket, I've transferred your ticket. Yep. I gotta go back through security. Yeah, that's insane. And he doesn't even really like the band, he's just coming because he wants to see me sure sure I would rather you just just go home and I eat Yeah, then go back outside into the cold and try to scan us both in 1000% the askies would have come down. That's bold. That's a bit egregious. So Anyways, he ended up getting in and we had a nice time. It got old after a while for

him. Apparently. When he came in, was the lady cunty? No, she wasn't there yet. And then she came back for a second. I think she took one look at him. That's why I think she's not Jewish. She looked at him and said, I don't think so. And I think she left. She's like, I'm not sitting next to this pig. Sure, sure. There will be pigs. Call, call back. Oh, boy, that was something else. Pig in a blanket. But yeah, well, I'm glad you had fun in this band. I gotta check them out, because they are selling, like, hotcakes. Oh, yeah, and better live, but, uh, my god, does he rip. Yeah, that, I love the, the almond doesn't get their dues.

It's always Led Zeppelin, the Who, who are great. But almond is up there, baby. Almond milk. You got baby. Oh, yeah. Almond milk. You got that straight. I saw them at the Beacon 110. They open with whipping, they did like a 14 minute whipping pose out of the gate.

Whoo-wee! They can really, you get that, you get all jumpy. You wanna just jump up and kick your feet. Well, you got it, you're missing out. You gotta go see the Tedeschi trucks. I guess so. Go see them tonight. Oh, anyways, I thought about that

because the premiere of the specials tonight, I thought about going, Lee, just open the show, do the Q&A and just run up and catch the end of old trucks. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to see that special either. Yeah, it's not pretty. But, no, I'm excited about it. The trailer looked amazing. And you're going to be there, right?

Huh? I thought you were coming. I thought you got spots. Oh. That was a text. Yeah. Oh, is it seven o'clock? Yep.

All right, I'll pop in. All right. But I got to run at 708. I told you it's spots. That was a text. Was it seven o'clock? Alright, I'll pop in. But I gotta run at 7.08. Well, you'll get to see Sam Rubinoff's short film. Oh, goody. Sounds like a hell of a picture. Clip that and send it right to Rubinoff. It centers and then Rubinoff.

That's Oscar bait if I ever heard it. But by the way, Oscar Bate doesn't mean anything anymore. Maybe you'd be like, this is Oscar worthy. And now you're like, well, so is trans skiing. But I think Oscar Bate is bad. Oscar Bate is like, it's a guy in a wheelchair, you know. Oscar worthy is like, this deserves an Oscar. Oscar Bate is like like they're playing it for

I don't know about that. I think so. I think you got a movie on a hook like Bait and the Oscars are like we want that. Right, but I think that's what it means Oscar Bait. Oh. It means like we came up with the first black wheelchair diver. You might be right. Or it's a biopic. You know, it's a pejorative. Will Smith being like, I don't know. And they're like, oh, it's an Oscar bait. They're trying to get the Oscar.

Right. Oh, you might be right. Can you get that a Google? That's the way I take it. I thought it meant like this is a shoe and they're going to eat this up like a worm on a hook. You might be right. You might be right, too. I like yours better, actually. But when I hear Oscar bait, that what I think it's like we're trying to catch an Oscar. We want to catch one. It also sounds like an immigrant. I'm Oscar bait. Oh sorry. I think Joseph is correct. It says Oscar bait refers to a movie that is perceived to be primarily with the intention of winning Academy Awards. Going for it. It's a term to describe films that seem overly dramatic,

sentimental, or formulaic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to get one. It's like if you're trying to catch a gay guy, we'll put you at a thong in the park with Vaseline all over you. Exactly. I'm gay bait. You're gay bait. But that's how, it's like a rebate. Asturbation. But that's what Will Smith has been doing for 20 years with you know Norman Bates what's what's the one where he I mean first of all he's the Williams's dad happiness he's always like a homeless guy trying to save a kid yes that guy sucks my fucking ass he does great actor now he's terrible he's a terrible actor I love the Fresh Prince.

I like the early 90s, late 80s music and the show. Everything since is just shit. He's a shit bag piece of shit. The slap was the end of the line for me. I'm lucky to that. That's certainly influencing some of my opinion. What a fucking dirt bag cunt. And then he sits there and they give him a standing o.

I know, at an Oscar. If anything, you ever have to just hate Hollywood and just see them as the biggest bullshit artists. Hypocrites. Louis CK can't even set foot in the city of Los Angeles. You got that right, Freddie. Will Smith physically assaults a smaller man. Here's a golden trophy. Golden trophy. And by the way Roman Polanski won a fucking best director and got a half standing O He openly fucked a 14 year old girl in the ass No, no, he's he's living in Bolivia or whatever with your ex-girlfriend because he's like I flew the coop The only thing he denies is that he drugged her. He's literally like no. No, I fucked her

I just did not drug. Yeah, well 70s. But he's a hell of a filmmaker. Rosemary's baby. Rosemary's baby, I like even better. Fantastic film. I'm peeling my balls off my dick. Oh, god, masturbates. But yeah, Will Smith sucks. He also did a slave movie that I think he thought would-

Oscar bait. Reconnect him with the fans, because we all love slaves, but it didn't, it actually got backlash. We gotta close this window. But it didn he stinks but he's very well liked actually Will Smith. Oh well I hate him. I like Chris. You kidding? You didn't tell me you didn't like Coming to Miami. Oh god. I know. Party in the city where the heat is on. I'll, on the beach till the break of dawn. Men in Black, which was a ripoff, by the way. Yeah. From something. Men in Black was a fun film. But the song, he wrote the song. Our host is black. Oh yeah, Chris Rock used that. Remember?

It's a sample. Yeah. Sample. Yeah, yeah. But the MTV movie awards when he hosted it, the ad or whatever campaign, the thing was like, our host is black. Oh, that's fun. First black man in here without a mop. I don't know if that's true. That was the Lincoln Center. Ah. That was his opening line.

There's plenty of black cashiers and security. OK. All right. Give me some funny idea. Give me some London. I mean, you've been to London, you've been to France. I see your underpants. Yes, yes. It wasn't pretty, but... First things first. So let me give you the whole run. Iceland? Hoyle?

That's the wrong nationality, but I'll take it. I thought you said Reisland. Oh, Reisland. All right, so, uh, Iceland, then Birmingham, no, Iceland, Manchester, Birmingham, Cardiff, Bristol. You've been to Cardiff? I went to Cardiff. Quick side note. I went to Cardiff, Bristol. You've been to Cardiff? I went to Cardiff. Quick side note. I went to Cardiff. Sarah and I went on a Wales, we went on a Wales watch. We went on a big trip to Wales. We did it on the podcast and I first

day we went to Cardiff. We spent a day in Cardiff. I started crying because I planned this whole vacation and Cardiff was so depressing and uneventful. I was like, I blew it. I'm so sorry. I planned this horrible trip. And then we ended up going up to the country and it was the best trip of our lives without even, not even, nothing in my life comes close to my trip to Wales minus the one day in Cardiff where we were like, you gotta be kidding me with this. It's a horrible review, but I'll pick it up. Is that Rome? Right to Rome? Was that Wales? Yeah. yeah. Oh, I remember that. Okay, so Cardiff, Bristol, London, Scotland, Ireland. What a trip. This is all like eight days. I push it,

Fatty. I just, I got no days off and we just boom, boom, boom, knock it out. Which is why, like, like I brought May to the last one and she was kind of like, what? Where we're getting, I'm like, we gotta go, we got a flight, you know? And she's like, oh god, we just got here. I'm like, hey, that's how it goes. So I feel bad. So that's why you gotta go alone because it's not fun. So we go to Iceland, straight flight, direct flight, get there the night early, night before. And Iceland, let me just paint a picture here. You go to England, you go to Ireland, you go to Scotland, it's drunks, it's fat people, it's buildings, it's food, it's french fries.

It's cool, but it's a lot of the same. You go to Iceland, it is otherworldly. It's, they call it the land of fire and ice. It's all volcanoes and glaciers. No kidding. That's it. It's unreal. Everything is a villagey. It's little, there's no skyscrapers.

It's all Viking people. They got these old churches and statues. It's all rape and pillage. I love rape. Yes. Don't bleep that one. There you go. Keep it in. That one's cool.

That's going to be a hell of a GIF. The GIF or JIF? I think it's JIF, but I always say GIF. But I believe it's JIF. That's a peanut butter. Isn't it graphical, though? I don't know. Graph-a-raphical.

What the hell are you talking about? First letter in G-I-F. Maybe. Graphical's not a letter. I mean, G stands for graphic something, I think. All right. So the next day, we wake up. You know, you're a little wonky.

Luckily, I have drugs. Fall asleep, wake up. The hottest show I've had in a long time. Something about this town, they know they're weird. They want you to talk about it. They know all our politics. So it's just the whitest people on the planet. Wow. Everyone's white, albino, white hair, white eyes, white teeth.

I'm going, that's all there is to it. I'm fucking going. And I go, uh, you know, with Trump, make America, this is what he's talking about. They're like, I go, where are my black people at? Cricket, cricket. They love it. They love it, Jerry. It's like, it's like fish in a barrel. I gotta get myself to Iceland. Well, it's funny because I posted a clip of me being like, Where are my Mexicans? Cricket, you know, that was a big joke. Where are my Jews at? Cricket. And every comment's like, I'm moving there, that's my paradise, that's a dream.

So I had to delete a lot of those. But we had a good time. Let me ask you this real quick. Please. Quietly, because between you, me, and the lamppost, I hang out with your wife, and she's like, oh, I can hear every word you're saying up here. Okay. What do the women look like in Iceland? It's not my cup. It's very, it's very like ice princess, just like white, pale, tall. I don't like tall. Blue veins going through the face. Oh!

Yeah, fire in the belly. Penises? Penises. Yeah, just a little stringy. That's disappointing. Yeah, I mean, it's... They got a thing, but it ain't my thing. Ah, bummer.

It might be your thing. Ah, that... Pale, I don't care for pale. I tell you, I like pale. I don't hate pale. Pale rider. Yeah, I don't care for pale. I thought you liked pale. I don't hate pale. Pale rider. Yeah, I don't hate pale, but I don't like blue veins and tall. Oh yeah. They all look like, what's his fucking name?

George Weirson? Hemsworth. Yeah. Oh, Chris Hemsworth. Yes, yes, the women. Yeah, I don't think I like, I don't like a tall, if a woman's tall, I think she should die. Well, you must love the Mexicans. Yeah, I don't think I like I don't like a tall if a woman's tall I think she should die Well, you must love the Mexicans

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Thank you. I do. But we do the show and we have a day off the next day. That was our one day off so we're like let's really do it up and I'm hungover and we ate reindeer and all that to touch my leg but I'm like let's really do something. So I go what's the most Icelandy thing to do and I hit the promoter who lives there whatever and he goes you gotta go to the lagoon. You got to go to the sky lagoon I don't know what that is the sky lagoon

They have there's multiple lagoons there where you can go but sky lagoon was the closest so we went to that one I don't think I can you explain what a lagoon sure isn't that a log ride? No, no, no, it's a No, no, no. It's a- It's a flume. A flume. A flume is a log ride. Oh. Okay, Doug Flutie.

What the hell is a lagoon? So a lagoon, that's just what they call it, it's a volcano that's kind of been hollowed out, but it still has the heat under it, and there's water filling the hole, and you swim in the water, and so it's freezing cold air, heated water inside a mountain with black rock,

big black rock, Whoa! and you just hang out in there, heated water inside a mountain with black rock, big black rock, and you just hang out in there and there's a swim up bar. So it's like a naturally heated spring covered in mountain. I have it, it's like the front page of my Instagram. I posted it. It's me and Sean Murphy's bony ass, and we're both like in the steam coming out of us with black mountains around and waterfalls. Oh my God. It's like I was like on Jupiter. No Jews. But I was like holy shit there's a swim up bar so I got a couple beers and I'm

in the fucking hot natural water with cold air on my face drinking a cold beer and my tits and my dick are in the hot water. That sounds incredible. And the women aren't attractive? I wouldn't say so. So damn, I know up here there. Very hot. There was some tourists there that I was, you know, peeping. Okay. But so then that's level one is the hot water, the sauna. Okay. So then they go level two is the cold plunge son of a bitch. Then a steam room. So you go, okay. So you walk out, you're just like, oh, you're immediately home out of the hot water.

You jump into the cold plunge. You wanna kill yourself. You jump out and you go in the sauna. It sounds wonderful. It's wonderful. And then the sauna is this big room. You've seen a sauna, but they have a giant cut glass, like the size of that wall there.

And it just looks out into the ocean. Oh my God. It's serene. It's, I'm telling you Jerry like that was the iPad screen. And what's the city you're in? Reykjavik. Oh Reykjavik. That's the capital. Right. That's the big one. That's like the one. So then you go out and they go here put this goop on you. It's all very primitive. You feel like Game of Thrones. These big stone bowls and you grab this salty liquid. You put like Game of Thrones. There's these big stone bowls and you grab this salty liquid, you put it all over you and it exfoliates you and then a big guy with

a ponytail and a hunchback goes, haaa! And he pulls a chain and a big pile of waterfalls on you. Oh my god, that sounds wonderful. And it washes off all that salty jizz and you're exfoliated, you've been hot, you've been cold, you've been drinking, you're just like, ah, euphoria. This is the hard thing about being married in comedy and having a kid especially, because your wife is just at home changing diapers. I know, I know.

And then a kid gnawing on her tits and then we're out like, what am I supposed to do, not get the hot jizz? I gotta get the hot jizz. I feel this way all the time. I'm like, well, I went out, I saw three movies. I've let Matt Wayne blow me. I went skiing. And then you come back and you're like, how are you?

And she's like, I changed 48 diapers. Then you got a check for $75,000. That's why I walk in, I go, there it is. Yes, exactly, you gotta open with a check. I'm like Ed McMahon. I'm like, look at this thing,. Publishers Clearinghouse. Three people are going to get that. It's an old reference. No, we got some old fans.

Okay. That's why I tell my agent, give me the big cutout. I want the full size cardboard Happy Gilmore check. So that was the Sky Lagoon. And then of course there's a restaurant. So I've had a couple of drinks. So I go, well, we did all that. It takes hours to do all that. And I'm like, let's hit the restaurant. So we have the local delicacies, the cheeses, the meats, the reindeers, the fig, whatever. Are they big cheese town? Big cheese, big meat, big fruit, big berry. I love all of those things.

Yeah. So we eat there and then we get a ride back home. And that was the first day or the first trip. And then we fly to Manchester. A bit of a let down, you know, Manchester is like Cleveland in England. I'm going. Okay. So cool thing about Manchester is like great show, but now you're like amongst the Brits. So you kind of feel like, okay, Iceland is aliens. These are just my people. Right. You know, like they speak English, they're ugly,

you know, they're fat. You feel that you see like a Chick-fil-A, you're like, all right, I'm back into the real world now. Sounds like Chuck would fit right in. You got that right. So it doesn't fit anywhere. But we do the show, show's great, but now the trip is really starting to ramp up. So we do that show,

then you wake up the next day, you get on a choo-choo, get on the train, whoop, and we go to Birmingham. Now Birmingham, what I know of Birmingham, just from the, you know, the Black Sabbath documentaries, it's like a factory town, a stanky, tough town. Exactly. Ozzy and who else is from Birmingham? Well, the Oasis is Manchester, I believe. Okay, but I know the Black Sabbath is Birmingham. They grew up in the 40s, but it was all post-war, the big factory and depression. Does it still kind of feel like that? It feels like that. You got the blue collar people, the fighty, the drunky, kind of, all they talk about is

football. Everything's football. They have two football teams there. It's almost as if they got sick of talking about one or they ran out of shit and they started another football team. Interesting. Because all they talk about is football. Wow.

It's crazy. What's the team? Birmingham, I know Manchester United. And then Man U. London Fog. Man U, that's the same thing. Is that? I think so. I think you're right. I think Man U is short for Manchester United. Oh shit, you're right. I think so. Oh, there's Manchester City. I believe it's called. So what's Birmingham? Birmingham is uh...

Bats? The ball, bulls, the bears, the popes, I don't know. Well, whatever. Yeah, whatever. So we do the show there. It's fun, whatever. And you know, people are very like, thanks for coming up. Manchester, no one comes here. We want to kill ourselves. Everyone's Muslim.

That's the big argument over there. And then the next day we get up, we hit a train and I love the train because you get so sick of the flights. So cool. Especially with the international flights, because you're like like everything's in Reykjavik language, you got your passport out, you're like are they gonna let me in, are they gonna smell my blood, my balls, the coke, the shrooms, what's gonna happen here? So we get to, we finish in Manchester, it was fun, thanks for coming out. We take the train to

Cardiff the next day. It's a four-hour train ride. It's fun. You get the train, you'll nap in. Hour three of the ride, we're pulling into Wales. So now we're crossing over to England to Wales. They don't like England. We have a different government, we're a different country, we got a different language. We're Welsh, they're British. So I didn't know about that. I just thought they were all ugly. But Wales is also technically Britain, so they're British. Right. So I didn't know about that. I just thought they were all ugly. But Wales is also technically Britain So they're British, but they're not English. That's what I meant. Right. There's UK, England, Britain and London and Wales. There's a lot of stuff going on. A lot of stuff. Britain is Great Britain. There's British. Well, the United Kingdom is British. Yes. Britain and United Kingdom, but that's Wales, Northern Ireland,

England, Scotland. Scotland, yeah. But it's confusing because you watch Braveheart and Scotland's like we want our freedom, but they're still part of British. Yeah. Scottish are British, but they beat the British in the film. And they hate the British and they make fun of the British. And then Southern Ireland is Ireland, but Northern Ireland is UK. Right. But it's still Northern Ireland. It's all pipes. It's very pipey. So hour one, hour two, hour three, into this train ride, the train starts really filling up. At this point, we got our own table.

We're playing hopscotch and paper football. And then the train just starts jamming. And we get on there, and there's these fat ladies in skirts and purple and pink outfits. And they're like, ah! And they get the foam finger like scoot over fatty. Good night mate, another trip on the bobby, whatever. And you're like, why is she talking Australian? But all these big teeth come in and they got their cocktails and they're all doing this rugby game. Oh, all the hillbillies are coming out from the woods and the hills

and they're all going to Cardiff. That's a horse of a car different color. There you go. It's getting late folks. You got that right. Two in a row, same clothes. But so now we pull into Cardiff and you know we're a little road hard put away wet. You get up early to get on this train. Now there's a bunch of drunks on there. They're sitting on your lap. They're spitting on you you pull into the station Like let's just let's just find the hotel and get to the hotel and take it easy sure Okay hotel 18 minute walk let's just walk it instead of getting the car and all that so we start walking

We can't move the whole town is jammed It's like a jar of olives because we didn't know it was a rugby game. We went right into the belly of the beast. Wow. You're like Reginald Denny during the riots. Yes. You don't know you're driving straight into a riot. That's me. They put a baton up my ass. Can't we all get along?

And I mean every pub is spilling out jerseys, just swillin' giant pints and beers. And we're like, what is it? We're trying, we got our little dumb roller bags, like trying to get through. And we finally make it through the hotel and we're like, oh, it's a rugby game, Jesus Christ. Why'd we do a show the night of a rugby game? Oh boy.

So this show is a little light. Oh no. Yeah, it was tough and it was a little, it's tough because they're putting me in these nice theaters. But if a theater light. Oh, no. Yeah, it was tough. And it was a little, it's tough because they're putting me in these nice theaters. But if a theater ain't full, you see it. Right. You know, it's like, oh, you just see that red velvet everywhere. But we- It was dirt. Yeah, we had it, we had it, we pulled it out. But that was- How were the people that were there? Was it decent?

Yeah, it was good. It was good. They were nice. But I would say Wales is more like the Long Island of England. Right. They're a little, the accents a lot thicker. They're a little trashier. They're a little more fun. The cool thing was we were there on a Friday night. So me and Murphy, I got a cocktail, he got a sandwich, and we're just sitting on a park bench and you're just watching the drunks fight. The women are dressed like whores. They all wear like skin tight this and short that and high heels and they're all covered in makeup, white face killer and it's just a sight. Right. Because you always think America, we're the sloppiest, we're the fattest, the laziest. You see these animals and you're like, we're fine. They got some garbage over

there too. There's garbage everywhere. We do that with race too. We're always like the racist country, the slave country, horrible thing, but I'm like everywhere, everywhere had slaves and everywhere. Yeah and they have drug problem too. They just are on ketamine. We like fentanyl and meth. They like ketamine and blood pudding. Right. Wales is so crazy because it's almost more like, it feels like Finnish. It feels more Russian. Yes, yes. Like Y is an R sound. It's R. The letter Y is R. Yes. And they would put all the writing on the train. Like next stop is, yeah. Where the hell are we? No, we stayed in the town. It was spelled B E W T S then a Y and then coed. We were calling it Bootsy coed yeah but it was like it's like I can't even pretend it's not like a sneeze it was like blast yes yes and

they're trying to hold on to that cuz it's kind of like how you go to Montreal and they're like we're French here right come on shut up but they're trying mm-hmm so the one of the biggest pops I would get was I would talk to the sound guy I'm like give me some Welsh terms and he was like oh this is how you say homo and as they say black people so I'm kind of bombing and I'm like, what's up with? Oh, they're like, oh shit. He's talking about you. He homo, you know, so that was big They love when you do a thing. That's their thing, right? Audiences love that You know if you go to a black room and you're like she motherfucking they're like he's talking like us. That's crazy. He's white Yeah, no, that's huge.

Yeah. OK, so we leave there, we get back on the train, go to Bristol, two hour drive, whatever. We get to Bristol. We're like, all right. Yesterday was crazy. We got off on a rugby thing today. Let's look it up. Boop, boop, boop. Twenty five minute walk to the hotel. It's a beautiful day. That's the other thing. We are great weather in England. Thank you, Jews. So we go, let's walk it. Twenty five minute walk to the hotel. It's a beautiful day. That's the other thing. We have great weather in England. Thank you Jews

So we we go let's walk at 25 minute walk. We'll see the whole town. We'll go to the hotel. We'll crash great Okay, boys a lot of people out here. Oh shit. We need to go that way, but the roads blocked off It's just it's like a parade going by we're like, ah shit now. We got to go around that Okay, but how do we get around this and then it just keeps going? But you see you're like following the parade to try to find where it hooks. So you can hook, but we couldn't find a hook. So now we had to cut through the parade. We got yelled at. And what was a 25 minute walk turned into like an hour and a half walk. Oh, with luggage?

With luggage. And these are cobblestone bullshit English streets, you know? Christ. It was the marathon! Whoa! It happened to be the British, whatever, Bristol Marathon. That's crazy! I know! I was just at the Cleveland Marathon and the Boston Marathon, and you were at the British Marathon.

I wanted to put a crockpot in there and blow the whole thing up, I couldn't believe it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm a survivor. What the fuck? Oh, sorry, sorry. You crazy? Good show. Jesus. I survived.

You can't make jokes like that. Well, I can get on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Whoa! But it was fucking brutal. I remember we were on a bridge and we were just like, trying to get through. I got my luggage there, a kid sitting on it, and there's people running by going, Hey, go Jamie! Go Sullivan! Go Oliver! Oscar bait! Oh, great. Combined, we've been to three marathons in the last six weeks. That's true. That's true. It's not a sprint. So finally we get through, we see the whole city

because we had to, you know, you're like, excuse me, officer, how do we get around this? He goes, ho ho, good luck, you Yankee faggot. And you're like, all right, thanks. So we finally get to the hotel. That's the title. We pass out. Now Bristol's cool. This is a college town. It's an artsy town. It's where Banksy's from. Oh, so there's a bunch of original banksies. You can see where he like he did his open mic years. No kidding. And they left him there. They leave him there because they're they're proud of it. Right. But if he's just starting out, they might have thought this is some Tom, Dick

and Harry. That's true. But they're so good. Like we had there was one where it was a brick wall up to the as far as the eye can see and he paints a window and he paints a woman in a lingerie and a husband in a business suit looking out the window like this and there's a guy hanging from the window sill and you see him and it says, uh, well hung. Hey, that's fun. That's nice. It's fun.

So, uh, basically he's got a huge dong. He's banging the wife, the husband's gay, whatever. Right. So Banks is from there, Stephen Merchant's from there, and what's that? Howard, Russell Howard. Great comedian, British guy. Oh, I think I've heard of him. Great town, great time, and we got back there to the green room and the producer's like, just letting you know, there's a young crowd college crowd. They're very

Progressive here, so you're gonna bomb so that got my head and I was fine. It was a good show good Don't you hate when they do that like don't tell me this. Yeah, it's like it's the pilot is in the eye Yes, the the blue-haired cunt is in the audience right so then we jump on another train. We go to Birmingham I Asked everybody like you, you know, you go buy a taco and you're like, hey, give me some Birmingham stuff. What do you guys give a shit about? And they're like, Muslim, they take it over. And you're like, okay, Jesus Christ. You go buy a coffee, you go, give me some Birmingham stuff. They go, Muslim's to the worst. And you're like, geez, you're Muslim. What are we doing here? So now I'm bringing this up on stage and it's killing because they're like, that's true. And it's

local. So it's a little dicey out there, that's true. Wow. And it's local. So it's a little dicey out there, a little tense. We got some immigration shit. They are way more tense than us. No kidding. Yeah, it's fascinating. Well, they're a smaller country, I guess. That's true.

So, you know. And we got a little black, a little Mexican, a little Asian, a little people. That's just outside the window. Yeah, they have white and not white. Right. They don't have other stuff going on. So when another group comes in, they're like, whoa, whoa, we're barely allowing gays. Interesting. Yeah. So fascinating. I'll keep it moving. Then we do that show. Now we're in London.

Okay. The cream of the crop crop the world-class city world It's the New York, you know, we went from Cincinnati to New York, right? So now we're in London We have two days off. The show is the next night. So we hit top secret. Oh Man, I love top. How much do you love that room? What's that guy's name? Mark? Mark! Yes! I love Mark! He's the best Mark I know. He's not even close. Cute squirrely guy. He built the whole thing with his hands Jerry. He's like Jesus. Wow. Yeah, so he built it. Hopefully it works out better. He has another room. He does CrossFit. Okay. He has another room he opened and he's opening one here. Seriously? Lower East Side. Whoa, watch out, Sesh. He's already sent a Brit to come out and scope it out. A little location scout. No kidding. Yeah. So, we had a blast at that thing. I love that room.

It's always fast because he's such a character. He loves us. He loves our style. Loves the New York comics. And then he just hands you an envelope full of cash and it's a different amount every day exactly he did the same thing it's like here's 300 bucks the next day to the same spot it's 220 bucks the next day it's 480 yeah he eyeballs it he's like here you go that looks about right you're like I got 200 today and 300 yesterday he's like you bombed those are the breaks okay whatever great room great room they open a second one so he's like it's're bombed. Those are the breaks. Yeah. I was like, OK, whatever. Great room. Great room.

They open a second one. So he's like, it's a two-floor comedy club. You run down, you run up, you run down. It's awesome. But there's another one three blocks away. So now you're running up, running down, and running down the street. Oh my God, I love that. He's blowing up this kid.

This is what he does to promote. All these young people come out of the show and he has a shot, a tray of shots. And he goes, you want a shot? They all go, yeah, I'm a young retard. I'll take a shot. And he goes, well, you got to sign up for our whatever mailing list. And they're like, ah, okay, I'll do it. And he goes, no, no, do it in front of me. So now you got 800 kids doing this shit. And then they take a shot. That's smart. He's a, he's a hell of a entrepreneur. So the next night we wake up, we get a nice English breakfast and it's the day of the palladium. Oh shit. Palladium in uh... entrepreneur so the next that we wake up again and i said english breakfast

and it's the day of the palladium all all shit palladium in london this is their carney hall this is the old the other ornate it's beautiful or date for god's sake a play it was where the london calling album cover was taken is that right yeah while a lot of history that is that plans that who'seskis, the whole thing. Clash. Clash.

So, great show. I'm nervous, but I get there. It's incredible. I look out in the seats. I said I'd put a photo on my Instagram. Bjorn shows up. Now, now being Bjorn or yucking it up. Bjorn was our ex-manager.

That's right. Sorry, I should have said that. He kind of brought us together. Yeah. He's right. I made a lot of discoveries about you through Bjorn. Thank you. A lot of things that I thought Mark will be here any minute. And then just never showed up. Two different instances. One was the Grammy party and the other one was the St. Patrick's Day. They were like, I'm walking in and I was like, I'm looking for you. That's the

news to me. But Bjorn in the USA. It was horrible. Still Bjorn. So we do the show, the show's great, hot crowd. And you know the cool thing about the Palladium is you know you're like this is the big one. You know not to show on the other shows but this is the this is the money shot. Right. So you get to work on your stuff all the way up to that one. Very wise. Thank you. So Bjorn goes that was a great show let me take you out after. And you go hey whatever you think boss you. Thank you. So Bjorn goes, that was a great show. Let me take you out after and you go, Hey, whatever you think, boss, you're the agent. So we go to all these rest shops and they're all closing. That's one thing about London. It rolls up early. Right. That's, that's part of the reason they have drinking problems. Cause at four o'clock

they're like, we got to get all our P's and Q's in. It closes at 10 PM. You're right. They really do. You see, but five'clock, those pubs are full. Out in the street. 501, they're out there, jeans. Great pair of jeans. So we do the play that we got with, me and Bjorn are knocking on doors, like hey, hey, you open, hey,

and it's all these Chinese guys going, ah, clothes, get out of here. What the hell, I'm going to Iceland. Yeah, so he goes, I got a place, but it's members only. So I have to sneak in. You got to get a jacket. And I go, what do you mean, members only? And he goes, well, you know the Soho House.

He goes, this is the Soho House, Soho House. Meaning you have to be a member of the Soho House for 15 years and still get a recommendation to go to the upper crust. Yeah, I didn't know this was the thing. So we go there, they let him in right away, I'm in his trench coat, and we go to a table and it's just models and is that George Clooney? Who's that? Hugh Grant? Who's that? King Charles? Is that Princess Di? You might want to tell the audience what the Soho House is. I don't think people know. Oh, sorry, good

point. Soho House is a members club that's like, you gotta have to be invited in, you pay a yearly stipend or whatever, and you can go and it's- Michael stipend. It's like, what do you call it? Membership. Yeah, just hot people and rich people. Your wife is a member.

She's a member, yeah, she's hot and rich. It's for people to have like private meetings and like kind of get away from the riff raff of like a regular restaurant. There's shows there. I've had a couple of shows at the Soho House. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a lot of celebs that can go and like sit and not be paparazzi. So yeah, that's the Soho House level two. Wow. 2.0. Why is it always 2.0? Why isn't it just two? I don't know. I never knew that and 101. Oh, yeah. Biology 101.

Books 101. I never got it. It's like, hey, that's that's editing 101. Yeah. Anal sex 101. I'm like, what happened to 98 and 41? That's a good point. And 2.0, I don't get either. I don't get it. It just sounds better. Yeah. 2.0.

It's probably a reason. The first one wasn't 1.0. It wasn't Trump 1.0. Yeah, it was just one. Yeah. Or just Trump. It wasn't even that. It was Trump. Like Rocky is just Rocky. Right.0 it wasn't Trump 1.0 yeah it was just one yeah or just Trump it was Trump like Rocky it's just Rocky right then it's Rocky 2 right it's not Rocky 2.0 I think it's just a new spin like Tosh point oh why the point oh I don't know what point oh point oh eight I know that's yeah I'll get you in jail by the way I got a shit in your house as soon as we're done okay okay baby leg in

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your dad will too. Right now until June 15th go to sheathunderwear.com and use code DAD30 to get 30% off your first order. Hurry! This only lasts until Father's Day. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code Dad30. Get Sheath Underwear, support the show, and support your dad's ball! So now we're back on the airplane. We get drunk, we wake up, get on and go to Heathrow or whatever the hell it is. Oh yeah, London Heathrow. Yeah, fly to Glasgow. Oh Glasgow, Scotland. That was a treat. We get to Scotland, there's a football game going on. Every time we get there, there was something going on. It was a bit annoying because you're like, goddamn, can we just get to a city without all the fanfare? But Scotland, Glasgow is a special place because everyone sounds like groundskeeper Willie.

They're all seven feet tall, they're all hairy and red. And again, it was good weather. We had great weather. Everyone talks about the weather. Everyone is out because there's zero sun there. So every guy is shirtless. Every woman's in a bikini and they're all white. I'm talking pitch white. It's milk, Barry. It's a milk baby. Sorry, I almost said Jerry and I said baby. So I went berry. Berry white. But it was insane. Everyone's just white and freckled and red. You can tell they're getting cancer as they sit and have a pint. But it was so cool. And Scotland, it's like the Philly of the UK. It's got some stank on it. It's gritty. There's bottles and cut you in the face and stab you and drugs. I've only ever been to Edinburgh. I've never been to Glasgow.

I think Edinburgh is like if Glasgow went to college, you know, it's like a little cleaner, a little more sophisticated. Scotland's like, come on, you faggot, I'll eat your lunch. I know Billy Connolly wrote a song, I Wish I Were in Glasgow, and it's a beautiful song. Well, you can really feel some Boston out there. Like you're in London or you're in these small towns. You feel the bean town and everyone's funny. Everyone's like pokey. They poke you. They zing you. You know, like you'll say something stupid.

They go, you got a great gift of cab, bitches, or whatever. You know, like the Uber drivers are funny. Right. Also, it's fun seeing white people do all the labor, like the white garbage men, white TSA, white cabs, everything's white. All white. All right. So...

All white, nothing. It's good. I liked it. But everybody's pasty, and you get drunk. So we went to the oldest bar in Scotland after, and we ended up chatting it up with the people at the show, and we stayed there, and we closed that fucker down at like four in the morning. Oh, so they stay up a little later. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's all they have is football and drinking. That's it. Right. London, you can go to the Broadway show. This is just like, we don't even have parents. So great time. And then, but here's the clinker. Two years ago, I went to this Europe trip. Scotland, I had the worst set I've ever had my entire life. Oh boy. It wasn't just a bomb It was like I got heckled for an hour and that was the guy on the radio show called in

I'm like a salt mark nobody fucking ate his lunch out there. What's their shoe? They want you to drink out of your shoe That's Australia. That's a shoe II So the guy was it I've got was known in the city is like the bomb guy. I'm like been logged over there. So I was so scared to go back. This is the the the the the dragon. I gotta I gotta slay it. You're like Buckner walking back into Shea Stadium. Yes, Cuckner. So I'm nervous. I got my opener there. I'm telling him and it's one of those shows where the opener gets off and you come on and he goes telling him and it's one of those shows where the opener gets off and you come on and he goes you know those or bad bad like oh boy you're in you're in for it I

had to do 20 minutes you're doing an hour he's covered in sweat he's got a swastika on his forehead he's like good luck so we get there and I'm kind of already nervous like oh this is it this is the this is the big show two years back I'm here I am I'm I am, I'm terrified. Okay. So... I'm nervous. I'm on the edge of my seat over here. The opener goes out and it's one of those things where they're like, ah, it's not full you, let's wait five minutes. And you're like, please, please, let's wait ten. I'm just too

scared to do it. So the opener goes out and he does okay, but you can tell he's not happy. He's like, all right guys, hey, stop chatting, okay, one joke will do well not how he's like all right guys. Hey stop chatting Okay, like one joke will do well, then he's like getting heckled who's helping a Murphy Doug Key, okay? So you're like okay, okay? He's a pro he can handle himself, but you're great body It's a it's bad sound it's bad room. It's an old theater. It's crickety. It's rickety and You can't the wedges are loud. So you're hearing a lot of you, and then you get heckled, you can't understand them. They're like, you're like, I don't know what you said, you piece of shit. You need the subtitle.

Yes, that would be great. So what they do is they do an opener intermission than me. Right, very British. Yes, which is great because now you can debrief. So he comes off and he's like, there's a guy on the left. He won't shut up. You should throw him out now. This lady's asleep. There's a dog in the front row.

He's licking himself. So you get a little prep. Right. And he's like, how did it sound to you? Because all I heard was wedges. And I was like, it sounded good to me, but he's like, you can't hear the laughs. And I was like, oh, great.

So I went out and I just said, the only way to do this is if I'm in the moment. Cause if you just go out and go, I was at the bank yesterday, you can't just go into your act. Right. So I went out and I went, this is the, this was good to be back.

This was the worst show I've ever had. I think tonight we can flip it around. I want to redeem myself. I love Scotland. I love Glasgow, up the raw, whatever the fuck. And that's Ireland. But it was great. Oh thank god. It was a great show. I think when you address it too it helped. Yes, yes. You break some of the tension. You lube the asshole. Because in their mind they're

like we don't we didn't know we were bad. These are the same folks. So they're like we were just doing comedy. We were just having fun. Well it's like the old Jake Johansson thing. You're comparing them to the best the jokes have ever done. Ah. Why isn't this killing as hard as it did at the Philly Helium? They're giving you the best they have. Exactly. This is what they know. This is how they attend a comedy show.

Right. And I didn't know that. By the way, they were like, last week we had Jeff R. Curry. Who does all crowd work? So he was like, where are you from? The guy's like, and he's like I'm gonna move on and he said the whole show was awkward cuz it was just like what who where right what so he's like no momentum cuz he's just going you know

question question question. Hideo no momentum. Yes. Deep cut. So we do the show the show is great we hit the bar after, we take some photos, we get drunk, and then we fly our fat asses to Belfast. Wow, this is quite a trip. Quite a trip. This all happened the last week and a half. It's crazy. I packed it in like a butthole. That's unbelievable.

Oh boy. Oh shit. All right, well, we'll tie this thing up. Let me ask you, what do you do in this situation? So my management is Topsy Turvy with the flights, And we got openers and me and travel and trains and planes and automobiles. Doug got a first class ticket. I'm paying for all the flight, the travels. Okay. I'm in the back. So I go, that can't be right. And Doug's like, What are you going to do?

You know, tickets a ticket. I'm like, yeah, yeah. This doesn't make any sense. I don't understand. Who booked the flights? Well, my manager has my credit card. So I go book us both a flight to Belfast from Scotland. It's a two hour flight, whatever. And Doug's like, I think this guy should be fired yesterday.

We're in the line. I'm like, what seat are you? He goes, three A. And I go, oh wow, three A. How about must be two at least. If you're the opener, I must be two or one. Or maybe on the pilot's lap. But I go, oh, must be two at least. If you're the opener I must be two or one or maybe on the pilot's lap But I go oh wonder where I'm at

37D 37D, what did he pick your favorite bra size? So I'm literally you know they on in in in the UK they board the plane back to front Which is we should adopt that by the way. JetBlue used to do that. I don't know if they still do. No I don't believe they do. They closed the butt hole, cause we're going all upper deck. Right.

So, so you go, Oh, 37 D, huh? So I get on first in the back of the plane, cause I'm the dead last row. I'm up against the toilet like this. I couldn't even recline. I think that's your manager has a thing for Doug or something. Maybe, maybe, but I'm looking up there. He's like clinking glasses and eating lobster tail,

like feeding it to him and grapes. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I wrote it out. I took the seat. So what is, I don't understand. What is the explanation here? The manager just flip-flopped it. I was supposed to get the 2A, he was supposed to get 30.

He confused his client that gives him 10% of all of his money with Doug Key? Yes! I mean, I love Doug, great guy, great abs, funny guy, sweet man. How do you confuse? This is the nuttiest thing I've ever heard. It was nutty and I do this thing where I call him, I'm like, what happened there? And he's like, well, I bought two tickets, that's all they had available. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I get that's all they had available, but why didn't you put one in there, one there? And he was like, yeah,

I guess I missed it. What is he 11 years old? It was a lot of flights. It's a lot of travel, but I... It's a lot of gum, but I mean... I ate it. I ate it. I took it on the chin. I just sat there in the, literally the last row against the toilet. And Doug didn't go. Oh, that's crazy come up here Yeah, he enjoyed it Well, I mean, there's a lot of fucking numbskulls here. Well, it's like you're a lounge thing

Matt Wayne can't get in the lounge. So you sit out with them Yeah But this is totally different. Well, I took the back of it and all I could hear was I heard a flush every eight minutes. No, but the lounge thing would be apt if I was scanned in Matt and then he went up and I just sat outside of the fucking bugs that walked by. Good point. Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, yeah, I know it was your one. I think well I was pissy about it when we landed because, you know, I got, he's sleeping like a baby with getting his feet rubbed. And we land and I go, well, that was crazy. What the hell? And he was like, oh shit, sorry.

And then we checked into the hotel and he was like, do you want to make sure who's got the better room? Cause it goes to him. So he kind of caught it. I've had that before where I've had it reversed where I've got the good room. Cause you don't know, you just check in and you go, okay, great. They give they give you a suite and I'm like I can't imagine what the headliner's room looks like and then I go see it it's tiny yeah yeah we had that once too on the last trip but uh we do Belfast Belfast was amazing we hit the town after flew back I changed my flight from noon to 6 30 a.m. just to get home earlier nice and uh let me let me throw this one at you one more flight debacle,

then we'll get out of here. I'm going to shit my pants. Okay. We'll be close. We'll be quick. Oh God. It's stuffed up. 10 hour travel day, Belfast to Manchester or Amsterdam. You connect then Delta flight straight home to JFK. 10 hour travel day, 8 hour flight. I finally get on the second flight. I'm on the Delta flight. 38 D, whatever the hell. Now it's one of these planes. Doug's in 4C. Yeah, exactly. It's the two row, the four row, and then a two row. Sure. Two aisle, four aisle, two. So I'm in the 37th C. So I'm in the aisle amongst the four line. No one sits next to me. Amazing. Full,

full aisle. So I got the seat open next to me. I love it. I'll take it. About an hour in the flight, I'm dozing off. Oh, here we go. I took 18 sleeping pills, some fentanyl and a jolly rancher. And I'm like, here we go. I took 18 sleeping pills, some fentanyl and a jolly rancher. And I'm like, here we go, I'm gonna sleep this whole thing, it's gonna be great. A girl goes, excuse you. I go, huh? She goes, do you mind if I sit here, these are my friends. And I was like, oh yeah, but I'm like, I got half my shit on the seat, I'm like doing this, you know. I got my foot in the other vestibule there. Yeah, I love that.

And she's like, I was like, oh yeah. And she goes, oh, I can't? And I was like, oh, sorry, you woke me up. Like, I'm not exactly thrilled to have you here. So now I'm moving all my shit. Oh boy. I'm putting it on my tray. I bring my stuff out of the bottom there.

And she sits with her friends and they're playing like patty cake, grab a bear or whatever it's called. And she starts brushing her friends and they're playing like patty cake, grab a bear, whatever it's called, and she starts brushing her hair onto me. So I'm like, what the hell is this? So it's eight hours, I'm pulling like pubes out of my teeth and she's playing hopscotch over here and she's like leaning like this on the armrest, so she's like, I know, it's crazy. Worst seat guest ever, I wanted to go to her seat. Oh

Yeah, you should have said where's your seat? I should have but I I think she was next to people too So it wouldn't have mattered but she sucked. No, that's not you should have said hey, you got 90 minutes or 40 minutes Yeah Cuz that's what I say. Hey, my wife's on her way back. She's got the shit. Oh, yeah She'll be back any minute. Well, she started watching a movie. I'm like, well, my wife's on her way back. She's got the shit. She's been in the bathroom. She'll be back any minute. Well, she started watching a movie. And I'm like, well, what does this matter with your friend? You can watch the movie up there.

Good point. Yeah, so that was a shit flight. So I got no sleep and we finally landed JFK and the rest is history. So thank you, UK. Thank you, Europe. Thank you, Wales. Thank you, Iceland.

Thank your mother. You got a shit. Yeah, I do have to shit London and Dublin. I'm working on next year. It'll be a year from now, but it's gonna be exciting. Maybe not a year, but you know what I mean. My year is full already this year. Where are we? Oh, New England, July. I'm doing all of July in New England, which is going to fuck up our pod. That's already a little wacky anyways, but I'm doing Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, Woodstock, New York, which is not new England. Yeah. Burlington, Vermont, Burlington comedy club. So I'm up there all of July. Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington. Is there another one? Oh, somewhere in Western mass too. I forget where, I don't know, Western Mass, Massachusetts. So get tickets to those. That's going to be fun as hell. Denver Comedy Works in September. That'll sell

out. I got some other stuff. Go to comedian or go to PunchUpLive.jolist. Whatever the fuck it is. PunchUpLive.jolist. Subscribe to my email list and I will email you when I come to your town and get on our Patreon. We've been doing some fucking hilarious episodes on there. Wacky stuff. We got behind the scenes of my premiere of the special with Ronan. That was fucking fun as hell. And then we're doing a live one at the Grove 34. We're going to shoot all that behind the scenes. That's going to be fun. June 17th. So come out to that. Yes. June 17th, Grove 34. That will sell out. Obviously. It's a tiny room. We'll do two Yeah, I'm all over the road. I'm in the melody tent boy. That's a Melody Cape Cod Melody tent gonna bring the wife of the her family So come on out to that Cape Cod

If you live in the Boston area or anywhere in Connecticut around there come on out to the Cape Cod Melody tent I believe it's in Yeah, I'm for Dane Cook there. July 1st 2004. That's wild. How long were you into comedy then? Four years. Wow. That's four years in. That's impressive. I was doing well and the guy goes, where's Dane? And I had the best Apple response. Very proud of it. I went, he's in the back. He's over there. He'll be out in like 12 minutes. That is good. And the crowd went, yeah.

Oh good. That's a nice earnest response, it's very fun. Yeah, yeah. I had a way worse when I over Jerry and I was bombing and somebody went, Jerry, Jerry. And I went, hang on sir. That was it. So yeah, I'm gonna be at the Melody Tent

and Baltimore, San Diego, DC, Australia, Dallas, Minneapolis, I believe. So come on out, get on the Patreon. A lot of good stuff cooking. What do you got? Choo-choo. You know what's really funny? We immediately forgot to do the plugs up front. Motherfucker. We did the episode. We did the plugs up front and then we just didn't do it. Well, you said you wanted me to insert them later. That's what you said.

Right. But then you said the transitions wouldn't work. Yeah, I think people will fast forward. Next time, we'll do it. All right. All right, keep watching. Joe will be at Northampton, Massachusetts on July 25. Northampton.

Also, I looked up 101. What's that? History 101, film. So the first one applies to your year in college. So your first year. The second one, replies to the beginning of the class. So if you're taking History 101,

it's for freshmen and then the first history. That makes sense. Okay, we got to the bottom. Yeah. That's good stuff. Power bottom. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable, with Ray Harrington and Brad roar

Doing a lot of fun stuff over there. We're gonna post our last live show very soon. And yeah, it's a creative very strange podcast So it's it's fun fun bearable pod No one wants to be themselves Up in the heavens when legends cry Homelessly watching the music die