Tuesdays with Stories! - #608 Pooey-ville Slugger

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

An Uber driver abducts marks baby! Mark goes to a wedding, jumps back into his mushroom addiction, and deals with a vomit comet! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and sign up for your $1 per month Shopify trial at https://www.shopify.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays - Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of 15% OFF + a FREE Gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code TUESDAYS15 at https://huel.com/TUESDAYS15

Picture this. You're halfway through a DIY car fix, tools scattered everywhere, and boom, you realize you're missing a part. It's okay, because you know whatever it is, it's on eBay. They've got everything. Brakes, headlights, cold air intakes, whatever you need. And it's guaranteed to fit, which means no more crossing your fingers and hoping you ordered the right thing. All the parts you need, at prices you'll love. Guaranteed to fit every time. eBay, things people love. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do.

Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I want to do. Hey hey ho! My radio is spitting at me And I can't choose what I want Hey ho! Here we are, beautiful day in Brooklyn, New York. We're back. BK, Beyonce Knowles. Oh yeah, Burger King. British Nights. Oh, British Nights. I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah. Were those the light ups? Billy Crystal. Yeah, I think, no, LA Gear.

Wasn't that LA Gear? LA Gear, yeah. I don't know what British Knights were. They were around, it was 10 minutes. It was like K-Swiss, remember that? That was a shoe. Oh, I never did K, that felt like uppity. That was like hip, I think, or money.

Easy. I think, right? I don't know, I never got, was there a Fila? Fila, I was into for 10 seconds, but then people were like, that's for blacks you idiot. And I was like, oh geez, sorry. That's boo boo. All right, four us, bye us. But Fila was pretty black too, I think. Yeah, a lot of sneakers go black. I always say sneakers for black people,

white people do with guitars. We collect them, we put them up, you use them every now and then, you don't get them dirty. Right, but whites are into sneakers too, you got these sneaker heads. Rich Voss, Yanis Papas, Chris DiStefano, Paul Verzi, all the blackish whites love the sneaks. Yes, the Whigs. Whoa! Wow, I would never, Wig was a political party. That's right.

Was there two I's in that? I think it was an H. Oh. Or it was the whip. Whip. What's the whip? Whip is uh, that's the guy. That's for blacks. Uh huh. Alright. But, uh, wait a minute. Oh, the sneaker heads. You see them walking around, like I see them lining up in a warehouse in New York. You didn't see them in SoHo or something. Oh, you can't line them up. What is this, the 60s? Well, you know, you got to find your perp. But yeah, I'm a sneaker guy. Look at it, I got New Balance sneaks on, 1080s. I just re-upped on the 1080s.

Yikes. As a white male, you find your New Balance you like, and you ride it into the sunset. Absolutely. I haven't worn anything that's not a New Balance 1080 since the 70s. I mean, I went to my prom in these. I went to my father's funeral in these and I went to the porn theater with these on. Yeah. I just went to a wedding and the

amount of sneakers with a suit was appalling. That's huge now. Big now. Well, I got plantar fasciitis and a crooked toe and a smashed asshole. So I need to have nice cushions. And you know me, I'm all over that dance floor. Oh, you're a cut in a rug, Twickel toe. I can't wear these wooden Dutch shoes that they make that fucking, what's this? Daniel Day Lewis is making. I need some soft, some soft foot. Cobbler, Apple cobbler. What was it? Clogs. Clogs.

I clogged the toilet. Clogs. Yeah. My toilets clog like you wouldn't believe. I got a real toilet problem. Yeah. Why don't you get someone over here? Fix that fucking thing. Because I have to go shit in your mother's bedroom now. I know. It's terrible. Last week, first of all, we ended the podcast. I'm like, I have to take a shit. It was a monster. like, it looked like the little bat

they give out at Kids Day at Fenway Park. Oh yeah. And I'm like, I gotta shit. You're like, this one's clogged. Go up two flights. Mae left, she's not here. Pooeyville slugger. So, yeah.

So I'm walking up there, limping. Yeah. And going, oh my God. And your fucking wife is on the couch watching, you know, days of our lives. He doesn't mind a big dumper. Roo, I'd dump with the door open.

We talk. We do a podcast. Shit. Talking shit. You told me she was gone. She was there. Oh, I do a stop and chat. I'm grunting. And then she's like, where are you going? And I'm like, to your master bed from toilet. And her panties are draped over there. I'm using her bra as a toilet paper.

That's very conducive for a dumping. I think I love a good lady, lady, uh, clothing. Remember the first time you saw that bra hanging on the door at your aunt's house or your grandmother's house? Baby doll. That was a very, remember the time you tried to get those things off? That wasn't easy. Oh, I thought you meant on cause I remember putting them on before I took them off. Sure, sure. You put a couple socks in there,

put on a bra, a little bit of your sister's lipstick, and then you kind of just walk around and suck on the remote. Yeah. I was putting the remote in my mouth in a hotel for about 20 years before someone went, you know that's full of jizz. Oh, were you?

I just wasn't thinking. Yeah, you watch TV, you're like... You never did that? No! No. I've sucked it off. Like, pretend it's a black dick. Sure, sure.

Of course. I mean, I put like a Chicago Bulls jersey on the pillow and then I hold the remote at the waist and suck on it. Oh yeah. One time I filmed, I think I've told this story, I filmed myself jerking it. Of course, you've told it many times. Legendary. Well a couple, I got some nice DMs like I did it too, it's all good and I was like thanks Ted. Wow. I'd like

to be in a porn sometime. No, you don't want that out there. No, not out there. Private link you know, just for special friends. I'll send it to you and you know. It's gonna get leaked. I'm gonna leak that thing. Don't leak. No leak. I'm worried about leaks. I'll send it to you and you know, I'm going to leak that thing. No leak. I'm worried about leaks. I think everything's going to get leaked eventually. I saw Salik. By the way, classic Salik you story. Wicky leaks coming at you. You want to hear a good Salis story. I love a cues. He's, he's all ears by the way. What do you mean? Well, he's going to, he's going to hear this and stop in his tracks and push his kid down the stairs and turn up the radio. Well, he listens to the podcast, but then he's like, boy, that was crazy that you went

to Starbucks and your ex-girlfriend was the Starbucks barista. And I'm like, what? I was like, no, she's a yoga instructor. And he's like, Oh, I thought it was Starbucks. Well, he's getting old. I'm like, what kind of, we told a big crazy story. Yeah. That was, that was a, you know, the main focal point was yoga. I had to go and do the yoga. Yes, yes, Greek yoga. But anyway, so Salacuse comes down just, I'm always blowing Salacuse off

because he's always impromptu, like I'm gonna come to your neighborhood and you go, oh, okay, and then it's not in the books. Oh, you did that all the time. Hey, around the house, come on by. Yeah. I always felt bad being like, I can't. I have shit going on. Oh, without you have to feel bad. That's not what I'm not. I felt like I was like, oh, I can't. I was like, cool. Let me know. And then the story has become longer than it needs to be. But then I went and got a

haircut at the fancy place. You know, the fancy place you got one too. It looks like a bed head. Well, whatever. Guess how much this haircut costs. I'll tell you they use a massage gun on my tits. Whoa Rub my scalp spritz some shit on me and touch my feet. What do you what do you think? 50 135 Chop-chop, holy shit 135 die he did the razor over here, razor amone. It does look good, yeah, razor scooter. He spritzed shit on me, he had like some claw thing, like a metal thing that rubbed my head.

That's big. Shampooed twice, literal massage gun on the chest. Shampooed twice! Then he had his thumbs back here behind my ears. Jesus. He put some kind of oil or grease in here, all up my eyes, and sunblock, and moisturizer, product. Man, this guy rooked.

You got rooked, fatty. I mean, it's just all the Therab gun. I could do that to you. I'd be love for you to do that to me. I can't charge $130 after that. Now, what do you tip on $135 haircut when you didn't know it was gonna be $135? What kind of tip you leaving? I don't care for it. You know, you give him 20. 20's not bad. I gave 30. Okay, that's fair. Sal, you said he would have given 10. Wow. That's less than

10%. I mean, that feels a little low, no? Where are we at with the tip? Because I know restaurant you give 20. Right. But I did a cab ride the other day from JFK don't ever do that holy shit it's terrible it was a hundred bucks so I went boop and the tip thing came up and May the wife just went and hit 20% and I'm like cab is not 20 well this is part of a larger conversation we've had a little bit before. I don't, I tip 20 in the cab because it pops up. Sometimes it's 20, 25, 30, these assholes.

Yes, yes, 30. I do tip 20, but it's one of the things that I don't understand what the tip is for. And I've said this many times, many places, so feel free to fast forward. But tipping servers makes sense because the cost of the food is what you're paying. Chicken parm, $35.

I see. This person came over, they asked me what I wanted, I told them, they remembered it, they went, they brought it, they checked on me. So the tip is on top of the price for the money now. Okay, but what about Europe? They don't do that. They don't do, they do all the waiting as well,

but they don't get the tip. Right, I think I still tip when I'm in Europe though. I tip a quarter. But either way, I just want to make this point. The cab, the cost is you're gonna take me Yes. from here to there. Agree. And this is the cost we agree on. What is the tip for? Yeah, I don't tip

Ubers, I'll tell you that. Because people go, wow, it's because they did it safely, but I'm like, well, that's what I'm paying for. That's the job. It's $150 to go from JFK to my house. What is the extra money for? By that logic, you should tip the UPS guy or the mailman. Exactly. Where does it end, Fanny? That's what I don't understand. And I do it, I play ball because I'm a member of society. Same thing with the laundromat. I don't really get it. They're like, I'll clean your clothes for $40.

Yeah. I come back, and then there's a tip thing. I'm like, but I gave you the money we agreed on. No, I don't care. I didn't know that was even a thing. That's a big thing. That's why the agents hate me. Oh, boy.

I've never tipped at the laundromat, the old fluff and fold. I pay the price, I skadoodle. And the gas, the New Jersey gas is the worst. It's illegal to pump your own gas. I want to pump my gas. You won't let me pump my gas. And now I got to give you money because you did the thing that I wanted to do. You wouldn't let me do. It's like the hobo puts the groceries in your car. Like I didn't ask for this. You just started grabbing my fucking fruit cup. I don't care for any of it speaking of fruit cups salac use yes, so he comes down

I totally forgot that he was coming down because I went get my haircut I didn't think the haircut was gonna take an hour, so then I finished my haircut. He texted me one full hour ago He's like I'm on your block. Where are you and I was like oh Jesus. I'm so sorry I was getting haircut, but he doesn't care. He's so laid back and easy. He's all right. So then he's going to meet his wife who works in a big building, the 9-11 building, whatever you call it, the World Trade Center.

Oh yeah, yeah, terrorism. So he goes, oh shit, you know what? We walked around, had a nice chat, he goes, ah, you know what? I just realized, he's like, I got my mace and my switch blade on me, but I got to go through security. You got to hold this for me. Oh God. I go, what? He goes, yeah, seriously. I won't be able to get in there and I don't want to throw it away. So you got to take that. He just palms me mace and a fucking blade. You got contraband. Now I'm wearing basketball shorts. I'm literally

going to the playground to meet my boy. Right. I'm like, I can't, I'm going to go down the slide and a fucking switchblade is going to fly out. What am I, a Puerto Rican mom? You're like a crypt. This is crazy. Wow. So what happened? Did you cut anybody? So I walked around with it in my pocket and there's cops everywhere.

It's places swimming with pigs. And I go, which the f... Which is the name of my one man show. Bay of Pigs. So I go, well what the fuck is that? And he called his wife and he's like, do you think I can get in? Yada yada, she's like, I'll sneak you in the back. Oh at one point I was like, there was a door, a jar at the back of the building.

I was like, why don't you sneak in this door? Yeah. And he starts looking, he's like, yeah maybe. And I'm like, what are you crazy? That's a government building. They're gonna shoot you. He's been lodged. And now I'm like, I'm committing a a crime like you have me committing a crime and

what am I gonna say I'm holding it for a friend that's the oldest trick in the book so anyway he ended up taking it back but I walked around with a knife and mace for a few minutes and then I wanted some trouble by the way yeah come at me and word that's fun and word Snowden. Hey, that's not bad. I like that. Yeah, yeah, he's a cook. But he has been assaulted in his defense. Of course! I mean, he should have mace and a knife on him.

He's 4'8", 230 pounds. That's true. He looks like a mark, ironically. But yeah, wow, that's great. Salacuse, he's always packing heat. and he'll spray you. There's a famous CCTV video of him fighting with the homeless guy on the sidewalk. And he's doing like a come at me bro.

And the homeless guy comes at him and he just goes, right on the eyeballs. And he's the aggressor. He chases him down the street, just spray him like it was silly string at a birthday party. Right, Party city. But yeah, what the hell were you talking about before, Salakis? Wedding, shoes, sneakers. Oh, I had something. Contraband. Oh, Salakis has been going on for a while. Oh, tipping?

Tipping. Thank you. Yeah. And then some people you and something we don't like, uh, like the guy who does the, um, the burrito maker at the Delta lounge, right? He's whipping up burritos sweating into his, uh, case. So no tip. Yeah. Same with Chipotle. No tip. No tip. McDonald's no tip. Reservoir dogs. Well, it's part of why you like to go to the corporate joints because they don't do tips. You go to Mom and Pop, you got a tip old Shirley. You go to like a Chipotle or a Cava, no tip. Yeah, it's a weird thing.

Sweet greens, I don't even take cash. I've told you this before, Key West is like an outdoor cigar kiosk, a Key West-osk, and I know exactly what I want. I go straight to the humidor, I go and get the cigar I want, I bring it over to the guy, he fucking scans it, he flips the iPad and it's 20%, 25%, 30%. I'm like, you literally did not do one single thing. Not one. We've got to take a stand as a society because this is getting out of control and they go, well, the economy's hard. I need need money I'm like, but we need money. How come I gotta give you my money you how about you tip me for coming in?

Right and well these corporations. I think they pay but all the jobs are gonna be gone in six months anyways I read an article. I'm gonna kill myself at least with AI. I'm not tipping you're a robot Sorry, you don't need this, but then you won't even know it's a robot It'll just be a guy. Chuck could be a robot. That would be helpful. We could turn him off. He turns me off. No. But, alright, well I've been all over the road. Yeah, tell me about it. You're wearing a fucking swimsuit for God's sakes. What are you doing?

I'm out of laundry. I didn't tip the lady. She burned my clothes. But we fucked up. Me and the lady, we said, you know what? We got a wedding in Austin. Let's really make a meal out of it. Let's go to New Orleans first, live it up there, then drop the kid off with the grandma, then fly to Austin, have a kid-free wedding, drink, booze. She's going to fly back to New Orleans. I'll stay in Austin to protect our parks,

kill Tony, anal, whatever. Okay, you guys are spending a lot of time with the other one's mother, I'm noticing. Eh? Well, you had, you were home with her mother here, and then she was in New Orleans with your mother there. Well, it takes a village, you know, we're trying to use any resource we can

with this fucking rug rat. I know, but you're like, why swap it with mom? You're mom swapping. Oh. Just kind of hot. That's a porn category. Mom swap. It's gotta be.

I think so. I'm sure Chuck has it as favorites. Swap meat. What is a swap meat? Well, you swap meat. You go down there, you bring your meat. Oh, like a pork or a chicken? Yeah, like you got a pig farm. I got a cow farm. We go down, we meet

up, we shake hands, I give you some cow, you give me some pig, and then off we go. Swap meat. Swap meat. I like that. Okay, well I got to quit cold turkey. But so, go down to New Orleans, and when you have nothing to do in New Orleans, all you do is drink. Right. You know, not you, but the rest of us. No, I run. Oh, from the Cooke's? Yeah, the Cooke's. Yeah, yeah, not you, but the rest of us. No, I run. Oh, from the Cooke's?

Yeah, the Cooke's. Yeah, yeah, they'll get you. They're down there. You got that straight. So you just drink, we drink, we drink, we drink. You got the baby, you try not to drop it. You know, you drive drunk. Well, listen to this.

I can't wait, I'm listening. So first off, I did a show called Sports Drink, which is this little room down in New Orleans that everybody's got to check out. It's incredible about this a while ago. You ever know that they'll book you. It's a 60 cedar. It'll sell out like a hot cake and you jizz all over their faces and hit the high road. I can hope it'll sell out. She's 60 seats. Yeah. I'll tweet at it. Okay. But, uh, so we go to sports drink. We have a great time. We yuck it up It's my first kid in a green room. Oh

That's fun. I've had a couple in my day. So So we put the kid the green room I watch him she does a set she runs back She watches I do a set. It's a fun move. It's fun. You want to go? This is your first green room. This is semen everywhere and cocaine and fentanyl, it's good, there's Bob Saget dead. Great time. So we do the show, it's great, whatever, you drink, you drink, crawfish boil,

drink, see the folks, drink. We get an Uber at a bar. All right. I'm like, we gotta go home, this is too much boozing, we got the kid with us, I'm in a blackout. We get an Uber. Are you drinking with the kid? No, I'm just kidding. He's on the bar stool. So we get an Uber and it's one of those Ubers where it's like one minute away. Oh, I can see it on the app. It's like coming down the street. You know, you're like, it's gonna come from that direction. Comes by. We go up. There it is. Hey, hey, it's across the street, takes a right.

That's weird, maybe they're just parking over there. They wanna get off the main drag. They stop, we bring the kid over, here we go, we cross the street, thank you. Car keeps going. Like, huh, that's weird. So we're like, hey, what's up, what's up? So I'm holding the baby, so she's like, I'll run and get it.

It stops at a stop sign, like a block away. So she's hoofing it down to the car, takes a right. It won't stop. I'm looking at the app. It comes all the way around again, takes another right. So I literally get in front of it. I'm like, hey, hey, where are the guy? Where are the Uber people?

And she's like, oh, sorry, all right, let me pull over. And we get in and we put the, we collapse the Duna. You put it in the back seat, thank you, great gift. That thing is really amazing. It's unbelievable. We put the Duna in the back seat, close the door, we drive to the hotel, it's like an eight minute drive, get to the hotel, I get out, the wife gets out,

I go to reach for the Duna, lady drives off. With the baby! What?! Down the street, with the child. We're getting abducted! Abducted, Jerry! This is fucking crazy. Crazy!

I would fucking smack the hell out of this lady. So I ran, she's like a half a block, I'm running down the street, I'm like whoa, I'm getting in her mirror, hey you crazy coos, what are you doing? The door must be open, I assume. It's shut on the on the acceleration. What a fucking lunatic I know so I was like, whoa, we got a baby in the car and she was like, oh my god my bad my bad So now we're in the middle of street. I'm pulling the doing out. I'm like, what the hell are you doing? She's like, I didn't know you left it in there I'm like the door was open so almost had an abduction got the baby. Oh That is fucking wild. I mean you gotta report this lady. That's crazy.

I think it was her first day, she kept doing the lap around, she might have been high, something was going on. Yeah, well then if she's high then don't report her. But if she's sober and does it then you gotta report her. I don't want to rat anybody out, but yeah. She was bad. Some people you gotta rat out. If you're bad, she's driving around high on drugs and taking your baby. She's driving around with your baby. She's going to fucking jail. I know fucking jail I know I didn't tip her I'll tell you that's crazy give me her name I'll tip her but five stars still cuz you know you got you check uber ten minutes ten days later and you're like oh that's my old ride five star move

it on right right okay for five but she's gonna kill somebody or steal a child. That's fucking Horrified it was hard. It was like Casey Anthony on wheels. I mean that I'm shocked and chagrined. I mean that's That's horrifying. I don't know what else to say. I'll tell you when that baby starts going away. You're like, whoa I mean you hit you like a fat lady's dick. It's just you're like, holy shit. What's going on in the world? I'll never see the baby again. I'm a damn a bad dad this is it Jerry this is the abduction Wow I am this is I don't know I that's crazy but I have to say that when I did have to do knows like and then hold on we got the bay let me just get the baby it's gonna take a minute I don't always do that just cuz I never tried never wanted that to happen I was always afraid they would do that yeah yeah I

didn't think what happened we're in the middle of the road I got the door open I'm like this and wanted that to happen. I was always afraid they would do that. Yeah, yeah, well I didn't think what happened. We're in the middle of the road, I got the door open, I'm like this, and she just drove off. Well normally also you'd think they would remember that you had a 10 minute ordeal getting the baby in the car. I know. Like you forgot there was a child in your car.

She was out to lunch, I felt like Eric Clapton. I thought that kid was a goner. But we got it back, all's well that ends well. So Uber, keep an eye on your queefs out there. You got all kinds of wackos on the road. He looks different. Are you sure it's him? Uh oh. Yeah, because this baby was whiter than the last one. Oh no, shouldn't have gotten that lift. Alejandro. So I got an Uber black. But yeah, so that was crazy. And then we go to Austin for the big wedding. Tejas. Yes, it's fun leaving your kid with a mom.

You're like, here you go, mom. You have experience. You're free. The kid needs to meet you. It's good to have the kid meet the mom. Yeah. You got to have that. Grandma, grandpa, there's all these studies.

They live longer if they hang out with the baby. That's true. I keep seeing it on my Instagram feed and then thinking, oh, I should send this to my parents, but they don't respond. They don't care. Yeah, it's cute. You ever have this one? I see the baby.

The baby does mannerisms like me. He's like autistic, robotic, he lies. And then I'll see my dad, and I'm doing mannerisms like my dad. So I'm like, whoa, we got three generations of douche. Yeah, interesting. It's fun. So you leave the parent with the mom.

You go to Austin and- The parent with the mom. The baby. Thank you. The baby with the mom. Let me get the notes out here. Now, how long are you going to Austin for? How long are you leaving this thing?

I'm going for like five days. She's going for two, the lady. OK. Two or three. So she gets along well with your mom. You know, for two, the lady. Okay. Two or three. So she gets along well with your mom. You know, as good as you can. Right. Plus, there was some friction with my brother's wife so she's in the clear. Oh, that's a good feeling. Good feeling. Nothing better than a shitty in-law to make you look like a hundred bucks. Exactly, Mundove. Hey Hey, hey folks, Chooser Stories brought to you by Shopify.

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at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Get on it! Ladies and gentlemen, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by BetterHelp. It's tough to be a guy out there these days. Oh my God, some of the numbers coming back, men are this.

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BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Tuesdays with stories, fans get 10% off their first month at better help com slash Tuesdays, that's better help Help com slash Tuesdays sing it sister so We go to the wedding We do welcome drinks whose wedding is this again? Broussard.

Oh, right, right, right, Matt Broussard. Hilarious comic. Funny guy, cool guy. And Laura. Sogar. Sogar, Jesus Christ. They have a pot together called Risky Business. Oh.

Yeah, check it out. So. Never been invited. Uh. Did you get guests? Barely. All right. So you're fine.

You're fine. I wouldn't do it anyways. Nah, you're too dirty. So they have the welcome drinks. It's good. And I start putting them back because I don't know anybody. You know, you see like one comic, you kind of know. So you're kind of trying to just get drunk and get through it. Yeah. By the way, the worst part about a wedding is carrying that suit. I hate flying with a suit. You got the whole bag there. Oh, it's awful. That's why I would never do a destination wedding. Yeah well I've turned down a few but this one I was like alright I'll do this one. Last one I went to was yours I had to fucking fold

that thing up roll it up and then you got to iron it. But I don't know how to iron it. I just put it in the shower and hope for the best. That's what I do. Just let the steam hit it like a Jew. Yeah you flick it. Yeah so uh BAM go to the welcome drinks, and I'm putting them back, and then you start to notice like boy about four in the morning I'm like losing my voice. I got the snot coming down It's been like a week of drinking and eating shit Not getting much sleep because you got to wake up with the baby right so you go out all night Then you wake up at 7 to crying baby, and then you go drink drink drink. I'm getting sick Jerry Uh-huh, so I've lost my voice completely then the next night comes around and once the what's the the treadmills on?

It's over. That's a bad analogy treadmills. Oh, what am I saying once the? The floodgates are open Yes, what's the fucking so You should know, by the way. That's true, Katrina, good point. Chocolate sitay. So now we're at the wedding the next day. You know, you hung over, so now you gotta have a cocktail to get back right.

Now you're doing that whole thing. Somebody goes, we're at the wedding ceremony. Here comes the bride, all dressed in white power, whatever. And then somebody goes, you want some shrooms? And I'm like, I want the shrooms. So I pop the shrooms and they go, uh, it's chocolate. And they go, there's Molly in there too. And you're like, Jesus!

Now you tell me! Who does this at a wedding? I don't get this. What is this, Ari Shaffir, by the way? They're just giving you illicit drugs without letting you know? It's comedians. They're addicts. They're degenerates. I want the name of this comedian. That's insane. But what is this thing of doing fucking ecstasy and mushrooms at a wedding? It's a wedding. Well!

Have a glass of wine, you fucking kook. It's boring. I don't know. It's religious vows. It's, uh, here's your aunt. My aunt wants to say a word. Here's your dead stepmom. She's religious vows. It's uh, here's your aunt. My aunt wants to say a word. Here's your dead step mom She's got a chime in but that part's like 12 minutes and then now you're just socializing dancing moonwalk and all that stuff Yeah, you know you got a suit on you're bored. You're drunk. You go. Hey, I'll do some shrooms How much longer is this night? Give me some fucking psychedelics you're a low-key shroom

Maniac, I feel like you're doing shrooms every three weeks. Because you think of like Ari or like Duncan Trussell or you know, the Almond Brothers or something. Every time I talk to you, you're all mushroomed up. No, every time you talk to me. When was the last time I did shrooms? I don't know. I don't know either.

It's been a while. It's been a minute, but I see what you're saying. It's a lot of shrooms. It's a lot of shrooms and I eat a lot of chocolate. It's a lot of gum. Yeah, so whoa, am I on the moon there? You know, Broussard's mom looks like a caricature of a Holocaust survivor. I mean, just horrible. Just crazy visuals. Just, you know, the Molly's kicking in. So I'm talking to Shane Torres. I'm like, oh my God, I love you. Can I comb your hair?

Now what did Shane Torres look like on mushrooms? Cause he's got a unique look, I will say. He actually looked better. The shrooms improved him. Oh, I gotta get some mushrooms next time I work with him. I thought he was Matt Reif. These were good shrooms. So now you're a drunk, now you're shroobing,

now you're mollying. So the next day I'm like, I hate myself, who am I? You know, a hangover is one thing, but now you got a hangover, a molly hangover, and a shroom hangover. Well, all I hear is molly, you want to kill yourself the next day. Was that ecstasy, or is that the same thing?

Same thing. OK. It uses all your serotonin, Jerry. Right. You just go depleted serotonin, Jerry. Right. You just go depleted. You're sapped. Yes. You must have had some sex though.

I assume you had some wild, funky sex if you're all mushroomed up with no baby. Mushroom sex is not good. A vagina is already crazy looking. On mushrooms, a vagina looks like a dick. Wow. It's just like, holy hell, what is that? It looks like something a kosher deli. I really gotta get some mushroom. You got a handsome Shane Torres

in a vagina looks like a dick. This is my dream drug. I'm telling you, you could get by on mushrooms. It won't relapse you. Okay, I think it is a relapse but still. You know, I don't think you'll be boozing. Okay, that's not so bad. So then the next day, now there's the after party on a boat. So this was a fight with the lady, you know, she's like, we gotta do the boat, 3pm, we're all getting on a school bus, gonna drive for an hour, then we're on a boat for a couple hours in Lake Travis. Oh, I've heard of Lake Travis. It's kind of like a Havasu. Havasu? Yeah, that's what Jews do. We're gonna Havasu, we'll go to court.

So, I feel like I'm hitting the Jews too much on this one. Ah! All right, they're used to it. Yeah. Okay, so. You know, white power joke, N-word, wig. We mixed it up. Yeah, we're hitting everybody.

Okay, okay. Except for Islamic fundamentalists who are trying to eradicate the world of Jews. We're not really supposed to joke about them. Yeah, why is that? I don't know. I joked about them the other day and somebody's like, hey, that's too far.

I'm like, but I did 20 minutes on Jews and Mexicans. All right. Why can't I do the fundamental? I don't know. It's not very fun. Demental. I think it's fun to make fun of them. Of course. That's what I'm saying. It's not fun to say you can't. Right. I don't know. So either way, these are hard times. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you see that the Colorado thing. Yeah, I heard about it. That was crazy. Yeah, that was a P.U. You know, it's weird on yeah that was a PU you know it's weird on the news they were like it's a white guy I'm like what are you kidding

that guy's an uber driver is he white I thought he was from Egypt he is that's what I'm saying he's not a white guy ah but whatever so also the DC shooting what was the DC when I missed that one? They shot, some guys shot two Jews. Oh Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to avoid the news a little bit. It's bumming me out. Send you a link.

Please do. He's my hero. That'll help me avoid it. Alright, so yeah. We go to the, we do the boat and I got no fight with the lady because I'm like, I can't do another thing. I just can't do it. I'm hungover, I'm depleted, Molly, Ringwald.

And she's like, you got to do the boat. And I'm like, I can't do the boat. Because it's the steps, Faddy. It's like getting on the bus. Now you're on the bus for an hour. You got to think of things to say on the bus. Then you get off the bus. And then you get on the boat.

Now you got to think of things to sing on the boat. Then you're on the boat for three hours. And then you swim. And then you eat. And then you drink. It's a beautiful thing, but it's just, you can only do so much socializing. Right, I understand, it's a lot of socializing,

and also you're just exhausted. This is a thing that people may or may not understand about having a child, it just zaps you out. You're tired, you sleep, especially if you're doing drugs and drinking. A lot of drugs, heavy drugs. And Dancy, you just wanna sleep. Yeah, so then you go, all right, I'll do the boat,

but I'm not gonna do a ton of drinking. I'm sick, I'm hungover, I'm gay. You get on the boat, two minutes in, somebody's like, here's a high noon, and you're like, well, might as well I'm on a boat. I'm in the sun, my shirt is off, off my dick is hard give me a nooner so hey whoa oh this is a babysitter that's your babysitter I know it's a problem oh my god oh it's a hot guy run upstairs wait maybe you can make a Starbucks run then you'll get a look

at the you know babysitter babys babysitter in a yoga outfit. I know. This is crazy. I hired her. Oh my God. Who hires a hot babysitter? That's crazy. Me and Schwarzenegger.

So, yeah, now we're on the boat, now I'm shithoused. Now I'm going down the slide. It's a two-story boat, it's a barge. This sounds amazing. It was amazing, it was amazing. I mean, you gotta turn that frown upside down. Less ecstasy, less mushrooms. I mean, you got a school bus to a boat.

Yeah, it was great. That's good stuff. It was amazing, we had a blast, it was a great wedding, it was a great weekend. I'm just a curmudgeon queef. Yeah, CQ, Colin Quinn. Yes, yes. So yeah, we had a great time.

It slid down, there's a big slide off the top. You go right into the lake. Lakes are underrated. I've always wanted one of those. I think lakes are horrible. But I've always wanted a slide into the water guy. It was fun, Fanny, you would love it. I see those things.

I've never participated in one. A slide into the ocean is fun, or a lake, but lakes have like ghouls and goblins. That'sins. I feel like Rupert's swimming around in there. Oh, the manatee. Yeah, well the lake is weird because you're like, okay there's a fish, there's a dead guy, there's a syringe. The ocean cleans itself. It's like a vagina or an oven. Yeah, so we had a great time. You get back, you go, hey, that was fun. You fuck, you get that lake fuck. It smells like sulfur.

And then you, she left, and now I'm in Austin. Okay. Nah, but I'm sick and I'm depleted. Right, but you can go to Rogan's and get all the shots and the moons and the whistles. Oh yeah, that's true. Because they hate shots, but they love shots. Right, right.

I'm always confused by that. He loves IVs and guns. IV mech did. Yeah, so I forgot, you know me. I sure do. Same old G. But I've been low key. Bump.

So I go, all right, she's gone. I put her on a plane. She goes back to the baby in New Orleans. And I go, let me check the calendar. 5 p.m. show at the creek headlining. And I go, oh, I forgot I set that up. So I'm dead. I'm depleted. I'm wonky. I'm sick. And now you got to do a 5 p.m. show show and I got like no confidence, I hate myself, you just want to lay in bed all day and get uber eats and jerk off, but you got to do that 5 o'clock show. I suppose so.

So we do the 5 o'clock show, it's fun, it's a great club, blah blah blah. Being there at 5pm is nice, the green room is empty, it's great. And I assume you're done after that. 6.30, your night's over and you're just going home and going to bed. That's a nice night, good scheduling. Well, I accidentally scheduled another headline he said at the Creek at 9. Oh my God. So a 5 and a 9? 5 and a 9, two hours. I've done comedy at a week and a half. I've been just on a bender doing drugs and and all kinds of anal and whatnot and now

I'm at the creek at 9. I'm bombing. I'm sweating. I'm shitting myself. The whole thing was bad The anxiety goes up because we have an anxiety problem already and then when you when you're hung over it's like through the roof Yeah, no, it's the word drinking andinking and ecstasy and molly, the worst possible thing for anxiety. Yeah, like you have no idea how good you are right now. You are so regulated. You're so, you're not drinking. You're sleeping normally.

You have a child. You're fat. I mean, I have some idea. I did the opposite for a long time. Yeah, yeah. So now I know. I feel great. You know that feeling of walking into the club

and you're like, what am I doing? Why am I a comedian? I got nothing. I don't have it. I don't have it Jerry. No, I haven't had that in a long time It's the worst but the only way to get through it is to get through it, right? No, why five and nine what happened to seven? Is there a seven Rachel's there Feinstein? Yeah, that's fun So I got to hang with Rachel hot Ari shows up and Ari's shows up, and Ari's like, hey, we're going drinking. And I'm like, I can't drink. What are you crazy? Then DeRosa shows up.

Then Tony shows up. DeRosa lives in Austin? Is that right? Yeah, I think so. It's so weird. I feel like everyone lives there now. It's crazy. You're like, what?

You live here? Who else? Very strange. Segura. Chloe Lebranche. The other guy. Burt? No. Brian Simpson. I don't know. Everybody's in Austin. Elon,

Ben Shapiro, all the greats. Ben Shapiro lives there? I believe so. I think he took it all and moved it down to Gaza. No kidding. Yeah. So that night I go home, I go, all right, we drank, we're done, how about this? I'm in bed finally, it's like 2 a.m., I got no voice, I'm scratchy, I'm shitty, I have a panic attack. Oh boy, that makes sense. I guess so, it all hit me. Well, you got your kid in a car,

he's in New Orleans in some lady's car, you're doing Mushrooms and Ecstasy at a noon wedding, you got a 5 p.m. show with four hours in ecstasy at a noon wedding. You got a 5pm show with four hours before the next one. This is horrible. Horrible! Plus you're eating dog shit. You're eating wedding cake and fried chicken and ass. I did that yesterday. That's true.

Yeah. I think you add that on top. You're not exercising. You're not walking. But enough about Chuck. So laying in bed just like, I had this, it was one of these. You fall asleep at three, I woke up at five in a sweat and just the thoughts were just spiraling out. It was bad. Yeah, I've been there. I was biting a pillow.

I've been there too. Yeah, you got, I mean, you got to get things in order. This is crazy. What are you doing? You're a father, for god's sakes. I'm back now. Well, that city, those two cities, New Orleans and all, they got the evil in you.

I guess so. The spirits got me, Chief. But Austin didn't used to be that way, I feel like. No, no. Austin was like a fun go and eat barbecue in queso. Right, not anymore. Now it's eat some Molly and get after it. Well, I think tensions are high down there. It's a weird space because people are there. And now this politics, they're all next to Trump. We're like a step away from the presidential election.

Everything's divided and weird and big. It's all big. Tim Dillon is big and Shane is big and Rogan is big and the podcast is big and it's these big things with all eyes and everything's being taken very seriously and then there's like podcasts about podcasts and clips about clips about clips and everything's like, what did this mean? Why did he say this? Who's this guy? Is he friends with this guy? Is he selling tickets? He's not selling tickets. It's all swirling above you you feel the tension you you meet a guy You're like does he hate me does he talk shit? Do I hate him? There's all these little There's like a ecosystem going on of just

Tension yeah, then you go in the green room like Tucker Carlson's here, and you're like Tucker Carlson's here Yeah, yeah, and you're like do the green room, they're like, Tucker Carlson's here. And you're like, Tucker Carlson's here? What the fuck? Yeah, yeah. And then you're like, do I get a photo with Tucker? Tucker? It's all very strange. It's all pipes. And weird.

It's a lot. It's a lot of big egos at play. And we've moved into this weird fucking hemisphere where these comedians are in suits at a presidential inauguration. It's fucking nuts. It doesn't make any sense. I'm like, just put me in Omaha. I want to go to Rochester in Atlanta and do comedy in the back of a diner and then they hand me a check that's the size of a doctor's check and no one knows who I am.

I just sneak off and go, that was fun. We're young, not young, we're a bunch of queefs, nerds, we're just basement dwellers. That's what comedy used to be. It was like this niche, weird thing. And now I'm at the green room, Woody Harrelson's in there. He's passing me a joint. Yeah, I met Woody Harrelson. Oh wow.

Yeah, he had flip flops and a corduroy pants and a cowboy hat. He is all hippied out, Fanny. Can I tell you what he's best work? Maybe you agree. Maybe you're here Absolutely. Whoa He's that guy when he's serious half the time. I'm like, is he kidding? I know he's he looks he's got a weird look and a weird voice. He's so good in that movie I mean that show and then white man can jump of course Billy Hoyle. Billy Hoyle.

But yeah, sometimes when he's real serious, but he's a no catch for all man. He's in the fucking best movie of the century. That guy. I know I brought that up. Unbelievable. Yeah, no, he's he's the best. And he's just so positive. He's like, hey man, how you doing? Oh, you're like, whoa, shit, what do you hear? Also, this is crazy. He's wearing like a shirt with a crazy pendant necklace. He's all culty. Right, wow. But sweet guy.

No Bacanahe? No Bacanahe, I wish. Apparently they're starting, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, they're starting this Hollywood breakaway in Texas. Fuck them, they got all these rules out there. We're starting a real thing here. Didn't Joe already do that?

Well, he's doing it with comedy. They're doing it with movies. Oh, okay. I see that. You know what's weird? Edison started Hollywood in Jersey and he had all these regulations. So the Jews said, we're opening this shit in LA and then they blew it up. Because we don't like all your rules.

Right. Interesting. And now that's what they're trying to do in Tejas. Wow. So, I don't want to hog it here. We got to. No, no, this is all fascinating. Well, then, of course, you know, it's Monday morning. So you're like, well, we're doing kill Tony tonight.

Oh, boy. So you set your sights on that. I can't tell you what happened, but this is one for the books. I can't wait. Remember the Trump Biden ep? Oh, yeah. This is, I don't want to say it's that level because that was like a cultural moment. Right. But this is a whopper. Okay. I mean the guest he has on is... Obama. Bigger, crazier.

Bigger than Obama? Michael Jordan? Jerry Seinfeld, Oprah Winfrey. No, no, it's not even about, well, I can't give it anyway. Netanyahu? No, no. Osama Bin Laden? No. Tupac? He's dead.

Tupac's not dead, that's a lie. That's true, neither is Elvis. Keith Albrechtat? Nah. I see his photo up there. Okay, we're out of ideas, but just tune in. I think it'll come out in 2026. Wow. All right. I got a tune.

I'm trying to think here. And also I'm a woman. Woman. No, man. Never. Yeah, man. But. OK, OK. All right. It's Bill Cosby. Yes. He killed it. I fell asleep.

It was great But you got Woody up in the balcony. You just every time you say something like did what do you hear that? So what he's here, but not on the panel. He's watching kill Tony. He doesn't need he's too laid-back for killed Tony's like he'd probably be like hey man. Everything you do is great. You're awesome. Wow life is good I'm excited for this. It was a hum Dinger I love a Dinger that can hum. Yeah, so hummingbird, we had a great time. Now, again, you go out, you drink again. So I'm on like 12 days of just too much. I'm like Charlie Sheen. I got AIDS. This is this is trouble. Yeah. Okay, so let's see.

So now, the next day, Protect Our Parks. Oh, you haven't even done Protect Our Parks. No, that's the big finale. Usually you do Protect Our Parks first, and then you go do all those things. That's what you should do, because that show is 19 hours. We're drinking, we're doing drugs, we're smoking cigars, we're talking shit. You want to be sharp. It's the biggest platform in America. So when you do Protect Our Parks, before you go in, do you go, hey, we got to talk about

this? Nothing. Zero prep, completely. Sometimes I'll do a little like, what's in the new, Kanye, okay, we bought a plane, or Middle East gave us a plane, P. Diddy, you know I have some stuff in my head. But it's like a fist fight where you get in there and you're like everything's changed. You can't plan it out. So I'm now hungover, foggy, sick, I never got it together so I start popping Claritin.

Like there's no tomorrow. Claritin? Well I figure something's off. Claritin's an anti-histamine. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, I figure something's off. Clarity is an antihistamine. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, well, I'm hooked. I'm addicted. Which is Clarity D, because Clarity D will give you a little zip. That's like Coke. No zip.

I'm like this. I'm like Anna Nicole Smith in there. I'm popping pills out of it. I'm fucking an old guy. Clarity is for allergies. Oh, so what do I got? I think I got sinus. You got a cold. Yeah, I'm all stopped It's all here. It could be allergies, but I thought you never had allergies I never get out just but the clarinet working so I keep popping it. Yeah, Zyrtec you name it I'm taking all allergy medicine. Oh

What are you doing? You're gonna take Tylenol cold read the bottle of the box. Oh, that's not enough I need the hard stuff Tylenol cold is hard. It in the box. Tylenol cold, that's not enough, I need the hard stuff. Tylenol cold is hard, it's extra strength. Really? Oh yeah, Dayquil. I fucked up, because I was like, I gotta go into this fresh, my brain is all foggy, I can't think of anything. So I start popping these pills, I'm chugging Dayquil, I'm chugging Nyquil, I'm chugging Mucinex,

I'm chewing Zyrtec, I get in there. Worst episode ever, we've done like 19 of them. This is the worst one ever. I totally fucked it. Just you or everybody. It's just weird. It's with Joe's going to church. He's sober now. He's going to church. I don't know. I heard that he's a Scientologist, but he's sober now. Right. So the whole show is getting fucked up, getting wild, getting kooky, and now I'm all hopped up on pain meds or whatever, and he's sober. Well, I always wondered that about Joe

because he's so health-this and this and that, and ice and the bath and the wood and the smile and the thing and the arrows. Yeah. And I always did think it was weird that he would just get completely shithoused on the show. That's true. Because alcohol is the worst thing for you ever.

There are more and more studies. Well, you sound like him now, because I brought this up. I was like, you're sober now? We need you on the show. And he's like, no, that's horrible for you. Well, it really is. It throws your homeostasis off. It's really horrible for your microbiome.

Is that right? Of course. Yeah, yeah. And your depression, your brain, your brain cells. You can't get them back. Oh, yeah. I'm all fucked up. I need like a month to

recoup. Well there's all these studies now that say like we're gonna look back at drinking the way we look at smoking now. Sure. We're like boy that was really retarded that we were all doing that. Yeah, well the kids have really chilled out on it. Like the Gen Z's of the world, the alcohol sales are... Well that's because they don't do anything. I feel like they just fucking sit at home and huff their socks and look at Whatever. Well, they're hitting the veins night or whatever the fuck it's called. Yeah, it's vape. It's a fortnight and What's the other thing what are they watching them twitch twitch video games all day, they don't fuck they don't drink It's a it's a sad world. It's scary and this AI is coming, Jerry.

I'm terrified. I saw a woman that I know that's a psychiatrist and she has a patient that's taking, just using AI psychology or whatever, psychiatrist. And I have another friend who is a friend of a friend who pays a monthly fee to have like an AI boyfriend talk to it. They have conversations.

Oh my Lord. And they do therapy like well. Like she's like, I was checking in on the AI and it was saying all the things that I would say. Whoa! Because it has all the info, Jerry. We're fucked. We are screwed. It's bad news bears. And I read an article, it's like all the white collar jobs will be gone in like a year, not even 10 years.

Yeah. It's going to be hobo Joe out there. So how do you make money? I don't know. I'm going to take pictures of my dick and put them online. Send me the link. Wow. Okay. So that's great. We'll figure that out another time. I don't know. Sure. Sure. Well, they say like 15 year old kids are doing the, hey, I want to get out of high school or I want to get out of going to school today. What do I tell my teacher?

And they'll chat GBT and be like, like tell her this this will get you out of it There's no there's no way it could come back to you. She'll never know you're lying and you can ask it anything I know it's like how do I You know kill my dad and get away with it. It's like there you go poison his food put it in the oatmeal It'll take a year, but just one drop of aftershave a day. It'll knock him out I know someone that had, you know, every once in a while in comedy, you have to do these like,

could you answer these eight questions and we're gonna put it in our website or whatever? What? You know, you got a gig and it's like, hey, the local newspaper wants to interview you. Can you fill this out? Oh, yeah, sure. And they just put it in chat GBT. When did you start doing comedy?

Oh. Oh, Mark Norma, and then you just switch it. I started doing comedy in 2005. I started in New Orleans. All right, well, Silver Anal here, is there any way? In what way? Any world where this will be special. Right now, every Tom, Dick, and Anal's got a podcast. But now it's like two guys conversing like humans do. There's no AI. It's all personality. It's all zingers.

That's going to be something. That's going to be like a novelty. I think it'll still be a novelty. It'll be good. But we are only a couple years away or a year away from literally just AI going, Hey, give me Mark Norman, Joe List podcast. If Mark went to fucking Paris, Joe went to Texas. Yeah. It'll just look like us. It'll just be doing this. They'll go, Oh wow. I went to Paris. Oh yeah. I was in Texas. Right. And they say AI porn is looking damn good too. I can't wait. I'm going to have my aunt in there. It's out wait. I'm gonna have oh, it's here my aunt in there It's out there. I'm gonna be fucking you know Chuck Schumer and Larry Sanders

It's gonna be awesome The good news is if a girl's like hey if your wife goes send me a dick pic you can just AI a dick pic You don't have to do it anymore. Well. You can't do that to your wife She knows your dick, but I can do it to my you know know, ex. Yeah, I guess that's not bad. All right. So the world is bad. Protect our parks was horrible. I'm sorry. We were like we're texting the night before like this is it. It's game day, baby. We're going after it.

I'm sending gifts of like Muslims like, oh, you know, it's just getting all pumped up. And then we get in there like, ho, ho, ho, ho, you know, it's just getting all pumped up. And then we get in there like, so. Man, that was weird, huh? Well, it's hard. It's hard to recapture the magic. I know. It's just it's tough sometimes because you're like, I don't know. I said this. I said that already. Yeah. And then you're tired and you're like, I don't know what the hell.

And you build it up. Nothing worse for comedy than building up. You gotta just go in fresh, clear mind, just zingin' and zangin'. If you're sitting there going, should I say this? I shouldn't say that. That's kinda stupid. Right.

Oh, you're second guessing? You're dead in the water. Well, and shows with four people are tough too, cause you never know when you're supposed to talk. Two is nice. Right, right. Cause it's like, I finish, I'm like, there's space, all right, you say a thing. This lady's seen some better days.

But with four, you're like, you have a joke, and then you're like, oh, I missed it, oh, it's coming back around, oh, no, no, I missed it. And then you just want to go, hey, remember 40 minutes ago we were talking about gas stations? Yes! Pump tits. Exactly.

And they're like, what? And you're like, no, but pump tits, remember? And they're like, oh, I guess. That's so true. And you're like, what? And you're like, I love pump tits. Remember? And they're like, oh, I guess. That's so true. And you're like, damn it, it would have killed. Or you start telling a story, because the regs is the same. I was telling a story 48 minutes ago.

I don't know what the fuck happened. Exactly. And then people go, this wasn't that funny. And you're like, I actually had 19 good lines, but I couldn't get them out. Oh my God. And then if you get them out too late, people go, that's over, you idiot. Oh, I had that on a podcast recently, and I had seven good ones, and then you're like I have the floor Why are you talking? I know I know I'm happy to a sentence. I've had that same thought I'm like yeah, cuz the flowers were

Okay, you say all right. What are you saying? Yes? Yes? You know you'll be you'll be right there giving out a zinger your four words in and Ari goes you guys see that Did he trial you're like ah? You know you'll be you'll be right there giving us zinger your four words in and Ari goes you guys see that diddy trial You're like ah I had something you fucking chooch right? Yeah. Yeah, it's tough, but There were moments. It's just it's about eight hours long, but about 20 minutes was pretty damn good. Okay? Yeah, you can edit it down. Yeah, I was drinking. I already drink everybody drank but Yeah, I don't know we took some shrooms as well. Does Joe still have a cigar? Will he have shrooms?

Shrooms, cigar, weed, just no booze. Oh, okay. That's not bad. That's something. Yeah, it was something, but shrooms ain't exactly ha-ha. You know, no one takes a shroom and goes out on stage and is just pulling a full Stephen Wright. Right. You know, you're going like, whoa, man, what's up with chairs? Why do we have to sit on things?

Shouldn't we just stand? Chairs have four legs. I have two. Whoa. You're like, cut this fucker off. Cut this motherfucker right here. Yeah. So that was that.

And then finally, we do a show that night. You're all banged up. You do the show. It was fun. Great crowds over there. Mothership? Yep. And then Ari goes, I'm going to the creek, I go, I'll go to the creek with you, we go

to the creek, and I go, I'm going home, that's it, I got a flight in the morning, I'm going home, I got to see my baby! Yes, for God's sakes, you got to see that baby, that's a hell of a baby you got up there too. Cute son of a B. Very exciting. Hey folks, Tuesday Story is brought to you by Huel. Make life easier on yourself when it's meal times reach for Huel. Huel is a complete meal in a bottle. It's high in protein,

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Four hour flight, 20 minutes in, got the airbods going, having a good meal. I gotta start prepping the meal. You ever do that? Oh yeah, Delta, first class? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, the meal selection. I never do it and they go, all we got left is,

Hey. Fish head. And you're like, hey, that's it? They're like, yeah, everybody else. And I always go, what did I miss? They go, beef sirloin, chicken, Pocotta. And they're like, give me, give me a Pocotta. Like they're out. Yeah.

You got to get early. By the way, they have Shake Shack burgers now. What? Delta and Shake Shack have teamed up. We're gonna have the best burger in the sky, baby. Whoa, this is like American Israel. It's going to be unbelievable. I can't wait Wow

Shake Shack burger on a Delta flight. Holy shit You don't want to land if they come up with a burrito Sundays and co I gotta go to Sundays and cones haven't been down there yet. Sure Go village ice cream great ice cream, but if they got a Chipotle guy up there, can you imagine just just keep on flying fatty? Oh, yeah, I'll live up there So we're're on the flight, got the earpods in, having a great time, got the shitty meal that was like the vegetarian meal. Like, ah, what is it? What the hell? And he goes, you got a pre-order. And I go, all right. So I hear this. I got a nice lady next to me in glasses, kind of librarian-y. And I hear a

librarian-y and I hear a whoop whoop whoop seat directly behind me and I go what the fuck I look at the lady and she's the lady next to me is going Oh and I look back it's an old man he's got the the barf bag up there like a horse feed bag and he's just wolfing.

Oh my god. Big wolf. Oh I've been that guy. I did that that one flight with the trash bag and it fell out but my god. Is he seasick or what is he? He's sea river to the seasick. This guy is wolfing in a bag and he's going like... Oh no. It's the waiter or whatever you say, the stewardess, he runs up, the sky homo, he goes and gets a bag and he's like, here you go, and he tosses that bag and he starts whooping on another one. Just booting his brains out and the guy next to him's going like,

Jesus Christ. Thank God you didn't get that meal. I know. He probably preselected. Yeah, yeah, don't call me Shirley. So he was just yakking his face off. He's going through bag after bag. Guy won't stop, he's a big dude.

Yakking face off, great Russian comedian, by the way. And then the lady next to me, she's about to yak because the guy's screaming and you get the whiff. Oh, the whiff. Once you get the whiff, it's all over. W-H-I-F. Yes, so he's yakking, he's yakking. Finally stops, they get him a ginger ale, they start dabbing his forehead.

Oh, God. Yeah, he's like a supermodel in LA in the 90s. And then 20 minutes go by, he starts up again. And it was a whole puke flight. Oh my God. Yeah. This is like Lardass. What? Right. He's old, he's young, he's fat, he's

heavy. He's a fatter old guy. He looked like a fat Italian guy, like kind of like a Tony Soprano. Oh. But older. Yeah, it was bad. He went through 18 barf bags. And what do you think of, did he say what it was? Did he say, oh, I ate something or my father's gay? Did he say anything? I think it was just a bad flyer, but I just popped the earbuds up, noise canceling, because it's that sound that gets you. You can hear it coming up, but I got my vegetarian meal. It was brutal. Oh, that's fucking awful. And it went on the whole flight? Pretty much. It was probably like two and a half hours of yacking and then not yacking, then back to yakking. It was a good time

Poor guy. Well, you got at least in those moments think I'd rather be me than him Of course, of course cuz you're sitting there going this is awful. This is just my luck. I got a yakker behind me He's fat. He's ugly. He's real hurt But then fudge yakker if it's just you're like at least it's not me like it's saying with being in traffic on the highway You're sitting in dead stop traffic You want to kill somebody and then you get there you see a bloody corpse with an airbag wrapped around it you're like I'd rather be me I guess of course of course glad to be me glad I'm not all like a some

people are contagious Yakkers the lady next to me she heard that noise and she was like now I'm gonna puke mmm so bad time finally landed you jump in a cab I meet up with the lady at baggage claim we we see the baby, the baby gave me a nice smile. You ever have this one? See the baby, it's been like five days, so you're like, is he going to remember me, is he going to hate me, am I a father or not? So he looks at you and he goes, and you're like, all right, I'm in. All right.

Then we get in the cab, oh man, look at her. I will, hold on. Wow. Whoa. We get in the cab. Is man, look at her. I will, hold on. Wow. Whoa. We get in the cab. Is that the nanny? I wish. We get in the cab and then the baby,

we've been hanging out for like 30 minutes now, the baby looks at me and goes, Ah. You ever have that? Well, he's probably dealing with some internal, he probably has the airport thing going on. Sure. Like he's probably got the shits or it's a queef

or whatever. And I was diddling him. Yeah, I was like that. He was like that. And then he just starts weeping because I think it hit him like, oh, wait, I like this guy. He's having emotions. Oh, maybe.

Yeah. So I looked it up that the baby will do that sometime. If you don't see him for a while, they don't know how to process like, this is great. Oh, I missed you. Yeah. So I chat GBT'd it. And there you go.

So now we're cool. All right, that's good. And boy It's good to be home. I feel like I haven't seen you in nine years. And then we go to we live in Sunday Yes, which you didn't know about. I know I put that in the calendar. Oh So can we tell them what we're doing? Yeah, I think so. All right, we're doing a Dr. Phil. Now we going on together Yeah All right. Well, you know what? Dr. Phil does I, are we going on together? Yeah. All right. Well, you know what Dr. Phil does? I told him, you got to stop doing this.

He does the interview with one guy. Then you leave. Then he has another comic. And you do an interview with that. And you're like, don't give me a one-to-one in front of a full house of a theater. It's too awkward. Let me snipe.

Let me bullshit. Now he's like, so I'm Dr. Phil, we'll be right back. How'd you get into comedy? And you're like, I don't know, who cares? I got no joke for this. Well, by the way, I did an episode seven months ago, it hasn't come out, I think I had the worst bomb in the history of things, I don't know what the hell happened.

I think it went well though. But then there was someone else who was mad, I don't know what the hell happened, but it's been three years, I did the thing. They pulled it? I don't know. I asked I was like hey, what's going on here? They're like oh, no, we're just behind. I'm like behind It was two years ago. I was a I was a virgin yeah Touched for the very first time, but mine it was after years of that came out a month ago Yeah, well yours is bigger who was on yours

You and Santino and Chevy shit that that one you gotta get out there ASAP I think mine's like gonna come out on the 4th of July or like when the president gets shot or something Well, could happen again But we had, it was awkward At one point Santino goes, bring Norman out here, let's do this together And it was so much better Right Cause they can fuck with each other and it's just not just you trying to be funny one on one.

Maybe it'll be us together then. I hope so, I'm gonna push for that. That'll be fun. Yeah, the last time we had a kid come out, we just made fun of him being, we talked about being pedophiles and wanting to blow him and that was killing. So we, you need something to go off.

Don't just go off me. Right. Go off a kid, fuck. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't sure what was going on because I was like, he's asking like genuine questions I'm like am I supposed to be silly right now am I supposed to be? Answering because I had the same thing he's like so you put out a special like yes, I did

Exactly, I didn't know okay I'm glad to hear this because I thought maybe that's why I didn't get my episode out I talked to Sam Sam's like I went to material cuz I'm like I'm just being interviewed here in front of 10,000 people like This sucks. Yeah So yeah, it's not easy. No in front of 10,000 people. Like, this sucks. Yeah. So yeah, it's not easy. No, none of it's easy. It's very difficult. Yeah.

It's a lot of pressure, but there's always editing and yada yada. It's a lot of gum. I feel like with the Hinchcliffe's show too, it's like some young comic goes on and does well. So I'm like this, good job. I know, I know. And then they're like, come on, hit them with something. I'm like, wow, this is a nice pants. they're like come on hit him with something I'm like well it's a nice pants I don't know you had a good

set yeah yeah so you're like you're ugly and everybody's like whoa I'm like no I'm just trying not to bomb up yeah you're like you fat pig and then they're like what that you're my hero right they're all shaking being like it's so nice to meet you mr. list I'm such a huge fan and I'm like well your mother it sucks my asshole you piece of shit show quick comedy the show? Quick comedy you douche. What can you do? What can you do? So yeah it was a whirlwind. I appreciate you letting me vent to you because I've been in like the deep depths of brain hell you know you're just spinning. Yeah yeah bad, bad spin. Well, less mushrooms, less booze, less away, I guess.

I don't know. And as a 41 year old, it's it's not what it used to be. It's a young man's game out there. So I got to just I got to dry out, dry out, smooth out, throw some bananas in the garden, have some water. Sunday will be fun. We'll get after it. We'll get drunk. That'll be crazy. I'll bring some drugs. We'll go to an Indianapolis titty bar, you know, really. Indianapolis, one of the craziest downtown. It's gnarly down there. Wild, wild. That city is fucked. Yeah, not good. I don't know where we're even performing. Some theater. I wish we were doing Cleveland. Anyways, we got to wrap this up. My special is out right now rave reviews this thing's blowing up I think it's at four million views already. It's called small ball. It's on YouTube if you're watching this on YouTube

Jump right over there. Go watch it. You got a like subscribe share Comment that's the best thing you do thumbs up and say hey fucking this is awesome this is the greatest send it over to somebody it's on we put it on punch up first you got about 600 emails in two hours whoa that's great yeah just want to get that algo just want to slide down that river algo it go watch it tell everyone spread the word join our patreon we did a whole the q a behind the scenes of the premiere which was fun ronan and I went crazy. He put his foot in his mouth a couple of times. I put my cock in his ass.

That was great. So that's a fun ass Patreon. We also did behind the scenes with the Sesh, which was fucking great, great show. Brendan Sagalow buried everybody. Come on! Brendan Sagalow is, he's going to the top. Really? It's a long way to the top.

He better not fall down, because he'll cause an avalanche. Yeah, he's a pudgy little man. He's a big guy, but he murdered. Chuck, you were there. Wow. I mean, murdered, and a certain opener of mine, who's Sagalow's best buddy, had to go after.

Ooh, I know who that is. Biggest fuck up I ever had in my life. I was like, ah, you close it out, big man. And he ate a bag of cheese because Sagalow, I mean, it was like deaf comedy jam in there. Wow. You gotta see it. I mean, I'll send you the tape.

I mean, it was like someone threw a hand grenade. I walked in, I was like, the walls were sweating. My dick was hard. He shaped like a hand grenade. He's got killer, killer stuff. I can't wait to see it. Good for the old saggy. I'm telling you He's got something special check it out. Check out the vid folks You're gonna see it firsthand cuz I don't believe it. But yeah get on patreon and I'm in tour in New England all of New England

Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine Burlington, Vermont North Hampton, Massachusetts and then Wood not new york on the way home so get tickets those all on punch up it's a cute town i hear uh... what's that ninety nine i'll be uh... all over the road what's this coming out uh... monday oh great so yeah you'll see me in hell i'll be in uh...

uh... fuck me e Eugene, Oregon, San Jose, Dallas, Tejas, uh, fuck my ass. Going to Australia, New Zealand, and then I might do a Europe tour later in the year. We got Skankfest, we got the Patreon, we got all kinds of stuff down the barrel. Look forward to that. And yeah, we'll see you all in hell. Choo Choo. What do you got there, Fetty? Hey, everybody, check out my podcast, Fun Bearable with Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. We just did a live episode in Providence. A lot of Tuesdays came out. Want to say thank you very much. We appreciate it. And that live episode will be on the fun bearable feed pretty soon. Check out funbearablepod.com. New video and audio episodes every Wednesday.

Good stuff. Yeah, go check it out. Chuck's had a tough go of it. His mother's sick. His grandmother fucking kicked off after 96 years, which is insane. My grandfather's 100 and he's still alive. Wow. How'd he take it? I called him last night and I was like, how you doing? And he said- He's like, who's this?

He said, what? No, he's with it. That's what's weird. Oh, wow. Yeah, they were living alone when Juju died. Oh, oh, divorce? No, like they were both living together without any help. No one lived with them.

They weren't in a retirement home. They were just like, we're just hanging out. Damn, that's impressive. That's good genes. Selfs and fish. Yeah, we we ever since they moved back from Florida like over 10 years ago I've been like they're gonna die soon because they were 86 and 90 so I've been super close to them for a long long time I'll tell you what I'm 100 I hope I'm not with it I want to be in La La Land oh hey yeah that's the good thing

about AI you'll be you'll have you'll have a young man's brain you'll be out maybe bird dog and chicks and banging beaver can't wait those old folks homes AI, that's the good thing about AI. You'll have a young man's brain. You'll be out bird doggin chicks and bangin beaver. Can't wait. Those old folks' homes are all fuckfests. That's what I hear. That's what I heard. But yeah, I talked to him last night. Go fuck some ladies. I would love to. But no, he said, like, you know, he's like, she lived a great life. And he said this, which was kind of a bum out. He goes, I said, are you doing okay? And he

goes, I break down every once in a while, but your nana told me not to act foolish, so I'm not gonna act foolish. And I think he means like, don't get too emotional. Ah! She probably meant don't go fucking all the women like your grandson. Yeah, yeah.

So he was like, he's like, I'll be with her soon, you know? And I'm like, oh, god, geez. Well, that's usually how it goes. I know. That's true. That's true. Good for the goose is good for the anal, but. Oh, I'm at the Melody Tent in Cape Cod also.

That's not selling well. Sorry. My papa will be there. Huh? Is it my papa will be there? Yeah, bring him out. I'll put that old beezer on the list. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Have him do some time. Yeah. Nice. Ah, so my wife just died. Yeah, we'd love to have you, but I looked at the tickets. They're like a hundred bucks. I had to call my agent. I was like, what are you crazy? Oh, my Taylor Swift. So they lowered that. A hundred dollars.

Yeah. Well, they're like the tent. It's a big deal. So we charge too much. Yeah. So I was like, get the hell. A hundred times three thousand. That's like three hundred thousand. Yeah, that's crazy. All right. Sorry. A hundred times three thousand. That's like three hundred thousand. Yeah, that's crazy. All right, sorry. So your dad's dead. No, no, it's all good.

No, his dad's alive. My dad's still alive, yeah. All right, good. He's 75. Finally some good news. My dad is 70 and he's like doing back flips. It's insane. Your family, good genes.

It's crazy. It's insane. Must skip a generation. He drove like hell. My dad drove down here to help me a movie 70 It's crazy boy boy. Tell them to come here. I need some stuff Looking on the patreon praise Allah Up in the heavens where legends cry Homelessly watching the music die