Tuesdays with Stories! - #609 Bonnie Blueballs

Episode Date: June 17, 2025

Joe gets hooked up for a baseball game, but catches a last minute curveball about the agreement! Joe also runs into a codeswitcher at a TGI Friday’s. It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free with code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Get 50% off plus free shipping on your first Factor box. Use code TUESDAYS50OFF at https://www.factormeals.com/TUESDAYS50OFF

Picture this. You're halfway through a DIY car fix, tools scattered everywhere, and boom, you realize you're missing a part. It's okay, because you know whatever it is, it's on eBay. They've got everything. Brakes, headlights, cold air intakes, whatever you need. And it's guaranteed to fit, which means no more crossing your fingers and hoping you ordered the right thing. All the parts you need, at prices you'll love. Guaranteed to fit every time. eBay, things people love. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do.

Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with. Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Ha ha ha ha. Surf's up. And she didn duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha! Surf's up!

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what to say Hey, hey, here we are in Z103, Tuesdays and Stories I'm coming at ya I got a feeling this is gonna be a hot ep Eee don't blow it up, don't build it up I'm saying I got a feeling, I'm just telling you my feeling I got a feeling That tonight's gonna be a very gay night I've got a feeling, I'm just telling you my feeling. I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a very gay night.

I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside, oh yeah. Mmm, mmm, mmm. I've got a feeling. By the way, speaking of bands and AI, no kid will learn an instrument from now on. Why? Why would you? What are you talking about? Well, you got a drum kit, a drum machine, an AI, you push a button you can go you can do a guitar wail with one click. That's not you.

Huh? That's not you. People still want to learn but people won't want to they may not want to listen because music will be so easy to recreate. You're gonna go, hey, fucking give me a band that sounds like if Led Zeppelin had a horn section. That's what I'm saying. So why learn the horn? Well, people still want to learn because you want to be able to play. I don't even need to. But people don't learn to play an instrument so they can hear it. They want to be the one playing it. It's not like I'm like, I'm gonna learn guitar so I can create this great music. You've learned guitar because you're like, I want my fingers to slide up and down. I want this power. I

want to show women what I can do. I hope you're right. Because you're not going to get laid going, listen to this thing. DJs are famous for just mixing songs that other smart people wrote. I guess, but DJs suck. They're laying people that are gross though. I'm talking about like cool rock and roll chicks with like a spunky fat ass and a flower tattoo. I like a spunk and an ass in mine, but I'm just saying I just feel like the ease, the convenience of going to do digital is so much easier than like, wait what? I gotta play this for like seven months and then I'll be not that good but a little better my fingers are gonna bleed and I gotta go to classes and lessons

Fuck me hard. I think people still want it because I don't picture people going to Concerts to see humans if they didn't create the music now people will listen to music created by AI Oh, they'll see holograms of people, but they won't fuck, you know, Steve Williamson, whatever guy. Sure. Like if I'm 15, and sure I came up with a good AI thing, they got, the women are gonna fuck the AI.

Now what's this guy doing out in the middle of the street? So what you're saying is, pussy could save us. Pussy will save us. Pussy could save art. It could save instruments. It could save movie screenwriting and jokes. art, it could save instruments, it could save movie screenwriting and jokes. Well, pussy's everything. Yeah. Well, screenwriting isn't something you do in front of a crowd though. That's true. Screenwriting was never getting you laid. Bad example. Acting gets you laid. Comedy might get you laid. Not me necessarily, but you, and music, but screenwriting was never like,

no one was ever like, oh my God, I want to fuck David Mamet so bad. That's true. Or whatever. But maybe they were, if he was in plays, the actors maybe did or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mamet was a kook. I don't know. Oh, I love Mamet.

He fucking rules. I mean, he's a great writer. Great writer, but yeah, you're right, you're right. No one's like trying to bang Can't think of a good screenwriter. You know whoever but also whoever did the effects on fucking Star Wars. Yeah The guy that's like behind the yeah I gotta suck his dick, but I think that job is gonna be gone Why am I gonna pay nerd face when I can just do it myself on the laptop? Nerd face is one of the Wu-Tang

guys isn't it? I think so, nerdface killer. Yeah I don't know what the fuck it's gonna look like, it's scary, it's weird, our children, that's who I worry about, they're not gonna have any jobs or anything, I don't know what the fuck it's gonna be. Yeah yeah I think it's gonna be like a like a deli slicer, you know, why am I gonna hire this fat Italian guy who's got a marinara stain on his wife beater when I can just, boop, it's like the self-checkout. But I think it'll be- And I'm pushing people out.

It'll be kitschy too to go to a thing. We're a restaurant, it's all human. I hope you're right. I hope you're right. We got humans in the back and humans in the front and hopefully too because we're like, we need to have a society. Right, you know what it's gonna be like.

It's gonna be like, support need to have a society. Right. You know what it's going to be like? It's going to be like, support this live comedy, because it's live comedy. We need art here. And then you go, yeah, but I could just go see this movie for free. And they're like, no, so you got to support the theater. Right. That's what it's going to be with restaurants and humans.

It's like, hey, support human race. But I think theater will be able to do it. I mean, Tarantino's talking about how he wants to do plays, because he's like, the whole thing of movies was you watched it in a group, which I just had. I just went and saw this film called Bring Her Back. Have you heard of this? No, I never heard of it. Is this about the hostages? No, it's Australian or New Zealand, whatever. And did you see the movie Talk to Me?

No. It was pretty fun. It's like a horror thriller movie with these kids where there's like a hand. It's like a stiff hand. And then you shake hands with the thing, and it sends you to this demon world. It's like an allegory for drugs. Ah.

It was a fun movie. Well, this guy made a second movie, and this one's dark and disturbing and fucked up. And I saw it in the theater with Matt Wayne out in Atlanta. We were the only two in there. Wow. Which is fun, being the only two in a theater. Yeah, Yeah. It's always nice. You got the place to yourself you can talk. But at the same time it's a bummer because this movie was so fucking...

Uh oh. It's back empty-handed. I think it might be closed. What? Oh well AI took over. Something's up because I couldn't order ahead of time society's crumbling back already There is another Starbucks We'll send them three more blocks away. Yeah, oh boy. Oh gee. I was looking forward to that cookie. What happened? Fuckin is another one pretty close by Mark says that's true. says, close till 3 p.m. and BD. BD, big dick. I don't know. BD, BD little eyes. Pick it out.

Oh, weird, BD. That might be the guy's name. Bob Avin. Plus BD. Plus BD. Oh, TBD. To be determined. TBD, big quiff. Close till 3 p.m. to be determined. That's kinda weird. Wow, determined. That's kind of weird. Wow, that's a nice statement of liberties.

Well, those definitely make sense. I mean, close till 3 to be determined. Yeah, that's what I mean. It doesn't really... Cool handwriting. It's definitely a woman. Yeah. It's a woman's handwriting.

Oh, that is a nice handwriting. Yeah, it's kind of neat. Well, there's one not far. Didn't you say there's one pretty close? There's one in the target in the target in the target Oh, I hate the target one Stuff in there Lemon

Ruru Remon. Oh, yeah McDonald's in a target. No, it's a Starbucks in the target. Yeah. Yeah, I mean it's a block further Oh, look, there's a bunch of locations here. Look at this. There's one even closer than that. That's the one It's in the Atlantic Center. That's what I meant. I'm giving away my address here. Jesus. There's three four. Look at this There's four point two miles away point two point two point three The most he's ever walked point for the Starbucks everywhere what a country and you wanted a coffee didn't you Chuck It's on him. Well. You already had a big gallon of guzzle right there. What is that iced? Cold brew get another cold brew get yourself a cold brew Well, what the hell was I talking about? I was saying something Brewster's million AI

Guitar we were off a all the movie movie movie. It's, the movie. Oh, the movie. So we saw the movie. It's just the two of us, which is fun. Chuck, have you seen Bring Her Back? You're a horror fan. No, I'd love to though. Oh, it's something else. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was just talking about.

Well, this one. Well, Lucky Pa. It was Talk to Me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Well, this one is disturbing. I mean. Oh, I'm good.

But this is why I wish I could have seen it in a group because Matt Wayne and I was yelling could have seen it in a group because Matt Wayne and I was yelling like a black lady at a funeral. I was like Yeah, cuz it is good as a black lady basically anywhere but keep going yes It's a kid chewing on a knife, I mean it's blood squirting, shit curdling. Whoa! I don't need to see that, I'm good. Yeah, you're a big homo, I forget. I don't love the horror genre.

I know you like to escape in the world of gore and period blood, I like a nice drama. Uh-huh, well I, uh. Mahama drama. You going? Yay! Get the cookie! get out of here you don't want to hear what's up with us his grandmother died he hates us yeah no by the way what what are you doing about what you're like what happened who died oh sorry I was trying to be nice and start conversation.

He's been down in the dumps for gu- I've been reaching out. I'm a good boy. Alright, well... I'm on the good side. I texted, I was like, how you doing? Oh, really? If you need anything, yeah. Jeez. I could kiss Rupert in the lips and send it to you. I think I sent a letter. It must have gotten lost.

Yeah. Oh, this poor guy. He hates us. Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. He gets a break from us. Well, he's down in the dumps. I it he gets a break from us. Well he's down in the dumps I think he'll be okay. That's a grandmother. It's the worst when the guy making the run doesn't want something. Yeah that's true. Cause otherwise you're like I'll pay but he's it's just I'm just paying for our coffee. You're a chore you gotta tip him. I gave him ten bucks. Well alright tell him to keep the change right told me keep the change but you know prices now ten bucks he's gonna have to fork up $16 well he'll be okay well we pay him

fucking $75,000 a month this guy that's a good point I'm depleted which by the way did we do the patreon money this month no I don't think we did I don't think we did I were in June I'll get you a check oh yeah boy we're doing all right yeah we're doing okay. What are you going to do? But who knows AI? There's gonna be no people, no money, no jobs, no Patreon. It's all over. No pods. Done. No stand up. God. No, they'll be stand up. I got no Waymo the other day. Oh, how'd that go? It's good. I got in, me and Rachel Feinstein were out drinking. I go, I got gotta go home and I got an Uber.

Waymo shows up with that, that fucking periscope on the top. It's wiggling like crazy. And you get in and it's just two empty seats and a steering wheel doing this shit. And it's listening to you. Oh. I imagine. Oh, fuck.

I didn't know that. Well, I did a whole number on the deporting. There was some guy that came out, one of these AI Google head people, the smart people. He said by 2037 we'll be hiding from AI. Whoa, I believe it. Well think about it. It's all in the house and in the room. It's going to hear everything. It's going to be a billion times smarter than us. You're going to be like, that's not a good idea, but it's going to be hell.

Oh my God. It's crazy. Hell sparks. Oh my god. Hal Sparks. Hal on earth. Yeah, well my Alexa has heard just everything you want to hear about Puerto Ricans. Well it's already bad. Our phones already know us. Our phones, it knows how gay I am. Because I got the private searching. I'm looking up, you know, straight guy blowing straight mom.

Right, right. Well it's kind of like Peewee. He got, uh, that's guys sauce neighbor. Oh, no, we're good. He's handsome. He's walking around like fucking oh That is the neighbor shit. I don't want to see that. I have a pod. Oh boy. Oh god What was the deal with that babysitter? My god. We'll talk about it later. Okay. I got her off a list Yeah Yeah, we'll talk about it later. Okay. I got her off a list Yeah Well, they're free now, you know, they need work But I think we'll be okay. Well, we got till 37. Yeah Twelve years we'll be dead by then our sons will be 12. I'll do some tainted Molly

Tainted Molly sounds like a like a Irish band Tainted Molly. I like that. Yeah. So we're fucked. But yeah, so we got in the Waymo. My thing with the Waymo is why does it need the driver's seat? Why do we need the steering wheel turning and then no one there? It's just like it's basically like bragging like, hey, no one here. Look at the wheel moving. Isn't this crazy? But you must be able to drive it also if something happened or something left with your baby. You gotta be able to get it. You must be able to switch it. That makes sense. Can you switch it over?

Probably you can switch it. But then you're like, well, hey, what do we need you for then? If I can just switch it back. Right. Ah. I don't understand any of it, but think of all the driving. I don't know. We're going down a dark hole here. We're supposed to be an escapism for the people. You're right, you're right, the escape room.

Send it, there's that guy again. He's frantic. Good looking guy. He is, he's handsome. Very handsome, it's a beautiful day. But I always think about this. I'm like, there's seven billion of us, we're all going through it together.

Whatever happens, we'll all adapt together. Well, I said that with COVID, then everybody just started attacking each other. I know, but- COVID, we all have the same problem. We'll all be in this together. It'll be bonding COVID and everybody just started attacking each other. COVID, we all have the same problem. We'll all be in this together. It'll be bonding. And then here we are just ripping each other to pieces online. Right online. Yeah. I don't know. A lot of riots. Well, that had nothing to do with COVID. That was about, uh, you know, a guy that got died by another guy or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Big kneeling. Yeah. Kevin kneeling, kneeling yeah there's a kneeling

kneel it limited Kevin kneeling all right let's get hot and heavy yeah we're here we're here now that's what I'm DOS said the present do it Rom dos Richie Tinkin whatever the fuck his name was tick not hot Alperin yeah from Boston is that right oh yeah Everybody's from Massachusetts. Everybody. Well we got a lot of smart people, a lot of talented people. Well you know what it is? It's the blue collar meets MIT. Yeah. It clashes. And that'll be a blue collar there is smart. At Harvard we got every I mean think about it you got Conan, Barbara Walters, the other one, John F. Kennedy, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, me, you, frame of the butler, your wife.

I mean just the comedians alone is a wild, wild roster. Insane, Steve Carell, John Krasinski, who I hate, Louis C.K., Matt LeBlanc. Wait, you hate Krasinski? I hate him so CK, Matt LeBlanc. Wait, you hate Krasinski? Oh, I hate him so much. Why? I just think he's a, I hate, he ruined the office. What?

He's just doing that goofy stare. Jim, he's the worst part of the office. And then now he's like an action star. We have to accept him as fucking, whatever that guy that Matt Damon used to be. Jack Reacher. And he's like in the 175 hour Marine movie, whatever. He grew a beard. Get out of here. What a man. And I just find him so queefy and unfunny and

undramatic. I don't know. But then Quiet Place. Quiet Place. Oh yeah. Silly. All these guys go action. You know, Liam Neeson, Tom Cruise, what's the other... Keanu? They all go action-y. Jason Stath. That's a good point. They like action. Something about, I think they're... Daniel Craig. Well, what about the Pee-wee movie? Oh, that Pee-wee movie was beautiful. Beautiful. I didn't want it to end end yeah, it's a beautiful film and a beautiful man and Well done. He's a fun gay because I used to watch peewee as a kid I was blown away, and you don't realize I love that He's like I was inclusive and I didn't bring it up all right. I didn't notice

It was a ten-year-old like hey, I was jerking off going. There's a black guy. There's a white guy There's Jimmy Smith's who gives a fuck Jimmy Smith's was in there. I had no idea about that. That's hilarious. Oh yeah, Laurence Fishburne. I didn't know Larry Fishburne was in there either. Oh yeah, he was the cowboy. It was a great time, but... I feel like that must have been a dip in his career at that point then. Who? Laurence Fishburne. Because he's in Apocalypse Now.

And then now all of a sudden he's on like a Saturday morning TV show. And then That was before movie and TV mixed back then you were a movie actor or a TV actor That's only been the last 20 years that like movie actors do television That's a great point, but I think he was in apocalypse at a 17 or whatever. I think he was younger than that Wow That's hot. But yeah, so he had to dip and then come out. I guess he's a John Travolta, right? But great movie. How about they got him on that kiddie porn bullshit? But, yeah, so he had to dip and then come out, I guess. He's John Travolta. Right. But, great movie. How about they got him on that kiddie porn bullshit? I know.

Poor guy. They just, that's what this country does. We build you up and we tear you down. They love to tear. We love to tear. Everybody tears. I tore a muscle the other day. Yeah, yeah, the Torah.

Tear... What is the Torah? That's a book? Yeah, it's the Jew book, Jew Bible. Oh, I thought the Bible was the Jew Bible. No, that's the Catholic Bible. But that's the New Testament. The Old Testament was Jewish. Is that right? Yeah, but that's not the Torah. That's a different book. Torah's, I guess, the sequel. Then there's a movie, Torah, Torah, Torah. That was a Japanese bomb movie tour tour tour. Oh, that was Right airplane World War two business. I tore a muscle. Did you say that I did ah shit. Yeah, that's okay I tore of the United States there you go all the time Anyways all right, let's focus

Promise a good show and a good show they shall have I tell you when we get a cookie this is gonna be great Oh, yeah, watch the crumbs. That's all I ask Well, we got to get some window shades around here I know this is getting out of control because then not only they look in I look out and I go hey look at the Tits on that guy. I know I'm distracted all the time by the way You got to come over to my neighborhood a couple things you got to come with the baby My neighborhood your wife came you were gone. Yeah, she never does. She only comes when you're gone. That's true.

But you gotta come up, because now it's boats and tall ships and sailboats. It's crazy. And my neighbor, maybe you heard of her, she shall remain nameless. She's got a pool. We were over there yesterday, the whole family's over there.

Wow. We get you, me, Kramer the Butler. They have pickleball set up. My neighborhood's insane. Pickleball? It's pickleball, a playground. We got a pool access, you gotta kiss up a little bit, but... Alright. You get over there, we swim, we play pickleball, we get on a boat. We could really make a day of it.

Let's make a day of it. We gotta get back in that pickle-dickle. Oh yeah, we even played. Last time we played pickleball, Sarah was two months pregnant. Damn. I remember that was a snowy day, We're out there in Queens yucking it up. That was very, felt very chummy. Fun, yeah. It was nice. We were the Gatsby's. We played three different times.

We were the Gatsby's. It was great. That's true, yeah. Although you look outside, it was train tracks and an old warehouse, but that was a good court. It was fun. Now we both have children, which is weird. I know. I feel like we had a little more free time then,

didn't we? Yeah, I got very little free time. Boy, it's tough. That's fun though. But then I say that, then you go to LA for two weeks, I go to New Orleans for a month, you know, so we have a little time, but we can find a way to wiggle.

I mean, I went to LA for 36 hours, it was fucking horrible. Holy shit, that sounds like a movie. But the apocalypse is coming. Well anyways, I was in Hotlanta. Woo-wee! Which I want this, I'm doing a set. I come out and I go, all right, Atlanta, Hotlanta. This is the first thing I say, Hotlanta.

The woman goes, no, no. What is that? I go, no. And she goes, I can tell you're not from here if you're saying Hotlanta. I'm a touring comedian, you retard. I'm like, yeah, I'm not from here. So that's how the show starts Wow Yeah, I'm not from here. I flew in from New York. Okay. There's my fair way to deal with hecklers You just stop the whole yes. Yeah, I'm not from here and you're very matter-of-fact. Why would I be from here?

Yes, I flew in here, and I was like I'm so glad I'm not from this shithole city Oh, all right there you go. Yeah, it was fun. That could go either way. No, no, well they know, and also, whatever, this is the thing about, people don't realize about crowd work and riffing, once somebody's interrupted the show, anything you say is gonna hit. Right. Once someone says, fuck, no, and now,

you can just go, hey, my father's gay. And people go, oh my God, he said a thing at the thing. I agree, the only time you can go, you can ruin it, is when my father's gay. People go, oh my god, he said a thing at the thing. I agree. The only time you can ruin it is when you go too far. Yes, if you go, hey, shut up, you N-word, C-word, B-word, and B-C-word. Yeah, basically Kramer. Yeah. If you go Kramer, you're like, damn,

we were on your side there, dude. Now you're talking about hanging from a tree. I thought Kramer was pretty funny, though, honestly. I'm a big fan. He had some good points. Yeah. That was good points. Yeah. That was good writing. But anyways, do you know who wrote that for him?

Gino Boscante. Folks. Three people aren't going to get that. That was a little inside baseball. Yeah. I miss Gino. I haven't seen him in years. I thought you were going to say Koumia.

Oh, yeah. That wouldn't have been bad. Both work. Or the Papa John's guy. We could go all day. Yeah. So we're down there in Atlanta. Now, this Or the Papa John's guy. We could go all day. But so we're down in there in Atlanta. Now, this was a weird thing I did. So I did the punch line Atlanta punch line, which is a legendary room, which is now in a diner. It's still a very great room.

Sure. But it's a little different. Yes. Yes. Different. It's in a diner. So I did it last July. Matt Wayne and I were there. You might remember I went to a tennis tournament. It was fun Yes, yes, it's a hot wife of a Tuesday Becky hooked us up with the tennis hookup and it was great. There you go, Becky, but Then when I was leaving Jamie Bindle the owner goes, hey, I heard you talking baseball. You love baseball You've never been to the ballpark here. One of the very few ballparks I haven't been to. Bandoleck Beckham. He goes, next year in May, the Red Sox are playing Atlanta here.

You could come, work the weekend, go to the Sox game. I like it. I said, that sounds fun. My agent goes, I advise against this. You're going to the same market twice in 10 months. He's like, you could just go to a game whenever you want to go. You don't have to work this club twice.

Interesting. And I go, no, no. I gave my word. I'll do it. Then you get the thing. You see the itinerary, the flight, and you go, I'm going back to this club. I was just there 10 months ago.

Yeah, exactly. It's a lot of work. It's a schlep. I got the same jokes. It's not that fun of a town. So the ticket sales aren't great, because I was just there. Sure. And I'm like, it's a good

point. I could have just flown to Atlanta and gone on the ballgame. Yeah. He's got a point there. So did it work out? The shows, the shows were fucking awesome. Every show was great. This guy, Peter Strickland, great camera guy. If you ever need a guy, Atlanta, I might. Awesome. Always there. Yeah. Well, he's great and a super cool guy. Great. He's a wizard with the camera. So we shot the shows, the shows were all fun and great. Atlanta, you make the best of it. And we've just been there, so it feels like, oh, we're back here, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. We go to the fancy mall, it's called the Lennox Mall. This is like one of these Ferrari fucking Louis Vuitton, all that stuff. That's still cookin'? I mean, you feel like with the Amazon, that shit's donezo. and Louis Vuitton and all that stuff. One of these. That's still cookin'? I mean, you feel like with the Amazon, that shit's donezo.

Well, I think people, you can't get Louis Vuitton on Amazon, can you? Ah, you can ship it. I don't know. Maybe you're right. I think Louis Vuitton and Gucci, you wanna go in there and they give you a drink and the stuff.

All right, all right, Gucci Mane. So we go to the fancy mall. Now, you know how it is with malls. There's like the big mall and you pull in. It's like this is valet parking. Yeah, this is, you know, colored parking. This is white people parking. And you're going around going it's packed with a fuck. And then over here, there's shops. There's the mall and then there's the shops. What does that mean? It's like a different. It's like a it's not a mall it's like the it's a row of

Cool places that aren't in the mall. Oh, you know what I mean? I've ever seen is like the mall and then over here. There's some shops alright alright I'm you know talking about not really, but I'm going with it. Okay, so there's a mall. Yeah, I get it across the way. It's like fucking What's that place? I don't know West Elm. Oh Yeah, and then it's like but it's it's like door to door not like a mall like a strip got a strip all kind of Thing okay now we're cooking so I go I'm gonna park over there because this is valet I'm gonna valet in a mall. That's fucking ridiculous crazy. Who do you think you are Rockefeller? Oh, do you think you are I am so I go who's this lady?

I'm telling is a hot street. We got here. Well got a Dave and Buster's bag This is a fun mom is a Dave and Buster's in that thing isn't oh yeah, it's a real trash heap She's got a kid. Oh Like a mom I like a kid. I'm so into mom. All right, so you're at I think they're buddies. Oh, they like prepping my god almighty. I need some prep. Um H so Where am I? Oh, so I got my I'll park over the shops. I park over the shops We're going to Cheesecake Factory with pie. Hey now we're talking we go in we eat the cheesecake. I have a salmon and a salad and the whole thing I come out There's a boot on my car

You got the boot a big yellow boot whoa From the boot. What is this? I know what the fuck is this? Holy shit? We've been inside for 40 minutes You know what? I think I think down Atlanta way they give out tickets and no one pays them So they go we gotta get a boot ah das boot, but it's a fucking great film. It's a fucking Shakedown yeah, that's a little early you gotta have a couple of strikes before you get a home run I go I've been here for 45 minutes. I went to the Cheese the cheesecake and the malls there it's like where that building is I'm like I don't get I can't park here And then I go and look and there's a little fucking sign that says we go

Parking is for the shops only How do they know you're not at the shop? Yeah? What if I want to go to a Wayfair now or the fuck it's called up lift at West Elm and buy a couch I'm like you got to be fucking kidding me, but there's nothing you could do. I'm talking to my buddy Derek He goes oh don't pay it. I never I've never paid a parking ticket in my life. I'm like no you don't see there's a boot It's a boo. We need to help we need to get a the jaws of anal to get this over here I can't drive away. I just rented a car. It's not even my car and so now I have to you have to scan a QR code It's $75 all right. I thought it'd be worse

75 bucks I've been parked for 40 minutes Yeah, you got a point there and you go to cheesecake with a buddy. That's 80 bucks of course easily So I landed it land up $200 in yeah They push it to rent the car you got that straight throw that on the fucking bill, so it's just a racket There's just a guy in a fucking yellow jacket who comes and then another guy comes and he takes the boot off it takes two seconds click click click shing oh there you go man this is a grift because you couldn't even park legally just you gotta get that thing off it's just a total grift and also the sign should say huge sign

hey we're gonna boot you and it'll cost $75. Not a little fine print, hello, you can park here. Yeah, Griftwood. And it's just right across the, it's a mall and shop, it's all mall. It's all pipes. Oh, I was fucking furious. Mall of America, that's crazy. How do they know you're not going to the shops?

I know. You gotta fight that. But you can't fight it, because you have to get your car off. You've already paid. But can't you go to your credit card company and go, hey, hey, hey, that boot cunt, don't pay him? That's actually not bad. Uh-huh.

I think those credit card companies, they're pretty good. They're loyal. Oh, they love you. They see that account. They're like, oh, OK. Yes, yes, loyal family. How about this, too?

This is a weird one. I hate that, I've had a boot, it's no fun. You feel like a degenerate, you're like, what am I, the dregs of society? I'm the boot guy now? Well, then everyone's looking at you, they're like, look at this guy, he got booted. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

They're like, oh, the boot. It's kinda like how you get those guys with the blow in a tube to get in their car. Oh yeah. You know, you're like, oh I gotta get my shit together here. But that at least, it's like you used to party, you're cool. That's true. I used to be fun. Yeah, the boot, not cool.

No. These boots are made for walking. Christopher walking. Bootylicious. You'll be doing some walking. Hey, hey folks. Tuesday stories brought to you by Bluechew. If you're having trouble getting it up and getting it on when you want to, you need BlueChew. BlueChew is the closest you can get to giving your junk an on switch. I like that. BlueChew sends you chewable tablets that taste like mint and will make you good god in the bedroom.

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I remember my first box. That's code Tuesdays 50 off at factor meals dot com slash Tuesdays 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping factor meals dot com Tuesdays 50 off. Um so you know me a couple weeks ago. I like to do yoga on the road. Last time I went and bumped into my uh my my old girlfriend. Yeah, who'd you meet this time? Your mom? I wish. I haven't talked to her in months. Deb! So this time I had some lovely twosgays reach out and go, hey, why don't you come do yoga with us? Whaaaaat? Which felt, I gotta say, there's a little part of me that's like a husband-wife. It felt like, is this gonna be a weird sex cult thing?

Of course, yeah, you're in your skivvies, you're sweaty, you're bending. It's 90 degrees, it's dark, they both greet you, they're both like, hello! And I'm like, hi! And uh, you know. Right, you're hanging out with the gays in your own time. Well, hanging out is, I'm not taking to the airport. Sure, sure. I'm not going fly fishing, it's a class. They hooked me up at the class, but they were in the class.

Okay, got it, got it. So I was this young lady's guest, and she's hot, her husband's a man. He'll do it. I go, okay, great, I gotta do it. You know what I mean? I try to get an exercise in. It's a hot yoga, it's 95 degrees,

but I like working out in the morning. Where are you at with your workout? It's harder, but it's better like I like working out in the morning. Where you at with your workout? It's harder, but it's better Sounds like my ex but it's harder to get up and go do it But once you get that shit out of the way you're at noon going I gotta work I did it already the best feeling in the world see I don't even think it's harder I think it's easier because once I eat then I'm done. I gotta work out first fucking thing. I mean, I don't always get to it because of the baby. But to me, it's like, when I'm on the road,

breakfast is a big part of the road. Love the back fast. Matt and I, we go down, we have a big fat breakfast. So if I eat a waffle, cinnamon toast crunch, two eggs. Oh, you're Dunzey, you're Ralphie May. Yeah, I'm like, what am I gonna do, go jog? Get outta here. So I like it early in the morning, but she sets me up with a 1.30 class. Oh, you're Dunzey or Ralphie Mae. Yeah, I'm like, what am I gonna do go jog get out of here So I like it early in the morning, but she sets me up with a 130 class and a little late

Well, I had one of these Fridays on the road where you have a phone call at 11. Yo get 130 Yeah, thank you that movie ruiners buckets. You know that one. Oh, yeah, that's fun What's going on with those boys? Ah, they're big fans I'll tell you that two handsome boys from Alabama who rent a car and a house! I know, they're spending a fortune more than a boot, I'll tell you that. And they give you the best gift. I'm legitimately going to tell my wife, who doesn't know how to get me a gift, I'm going to tell her, talk to these two fellas. Yes, yes, good call.

What did they give you when you had your thing? I got like a signed poster from Norm MacDonald, I got my dad's phone number, I mean these guys hooked it up. I can't remember what they gave me, but it was nice. I mean, they got me, oh there's Chuck E. D. baby. I don't see a cookie, what the hell, no cookie? No, he's got a bag. Alright.

He's got a ball bag, he looks furious. Oh, there it is, okay. He's furious. He hated it. But at least he can't kick the recorder over when he's gone. So We get there get where what am I? What's the story? Am I telling? I don't know. You're doing yoga Oh movie ruin. Let me tell you about movie ruiners. These guys Chuck E

Everybody check out. What'd you get yourself something nice? How'd it go? I told you. Beautiful is a beautiful cookie. You should have gone to the shops. Thank you. It's a great cookie. So, the Movie Ruiners podcast, everybody check out this podcast. It's a great podcast.

I did one where we watched Goodfellas, this time we watched Fargo. Oh, classic. You talk about the way they dress up like the characters. I know, and they bring you a costume. Yes, I didn't get a costume. I got a costume. What the fuck was your costume? Ferris Bueller. What was your costume? I got the leather jacket, the leopard vest, and the cool shoes. Wow!

Devastatingly handsome. Yes, the sausage cape Chicago. Hey, Froman. So anyways, we do the thing. They got me a viewfinder. Remember these things? Big fan. With my photos. Whoa. They got Joe List photography, at Joe List photography, all those photos. They put them on a viewfinder. So I can click through and look at my own photos. That's unbelievably thoughtful.

Then, what was the other one? It was awesome. It'll be hard to follow that. No, no, it was better than that. Come on! That's genius. Oh, they got me the Tom Dustin documentary on VHS, like the cassette tape. What the fuck? The box, it's like a VHS, it says the VHS on the bottom. I gotta show you the video.

Oh my god. It's like, it has on the back like two thumbs up and the description, the poster. Forget the podcast podcast these guys should be doing gift helping this should be their actual income because the podcast I think 14 people see it but how do they give in gifts like that and these guys are virgins they can't get laid no they're handsome boys I don't know that's all Hyman right. Cookies great. Everybody listening to the show in their car just stopped and checked their radio for a minute. That's funny. Oh yeah. Not for me. Chuck you mad at us.

No no not at all. Oh geez. Come on. Chuck looks bummed out. I got other stuff going on. I'm not bummed about that. Cause it right back. No, he's not going to write back. You people should hear what he, you should hear how he talks to waitress. He gets free pie. Chuck just lit up his cousin. It's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh yeah. Unbelievable. Yeah. You're never going to see him again. By the way, what does this guy look like? He must look like Michael J Fox now because Chuck is like I'll beat the shit out of you if you come near me I'm like he must be an invalid wheelchair bound person. He's gotta be on crutches. No, he's younger than me I'd kill him. What's he wear high heels and lipstick and have no arms? No, he looks

He does, it's out of my way. He looks extremely He looks extremely similar to me very similar. Oh fair Yeah, I think so but younger a little bit younger Anything at all cuz you're a little expensive frankly All that stinks so bad. What happened I farted. Oh great. Oh I'm eating Me too. Oh, that's good stuff boy. What a cookie Both have cookies at the same time. You're right. I'm eating. Me too. Oh that's good stuff. Boy what a cookie. You can't both have cookies at the same time. No you're right. I'm almost done. Man that's Starbucks. They know what they're doing over there. Oh yeah. So they got rid of the brownie and the donut which were the two things I was living off

of. It's horrible. I love that donut. They old-fashioned. Great donut. They got rid of it. I'm furious. The best donut. So anyways those guys guys, Movie Ruiner's podcast, check it out. Now back to yoga. Okay. I go to yoga and it's at, it's 1.30 in the afternoon. And then you're hanging out with Matt and you're just like, everything in me wants to cancel this yoga. Of course.

Because it's the middle of the afternoon. We could go eat, we could go to the movies. And Matt's ready to hang. I'm ready to hang. It's a beautiful day. You want to write jokes. You want to bounce bits. hang it's a beautiful day. You want to write jokes you want to bounce bits and Just road night Wow that was award-winning that was lunch Little aftershock that was a hum digger

Send me that that's the clip. Yes That motherfucking right here you hear that clip and all the controversial shit get that blue ribbon toot I know every clip these guys make is like I'm in love with my ex-girlfriend. I want to leave my wife No, you know Like I don't really like black people that like clip that and I'm like stop it. I know Stop clipping and just clip the farts. Yeah Clip the farts that That should be our logo or our slogan so

What are we talking about? Yeah, I don't know who cares. Wait a minute. You know two episodes in one day I'm pulling the curtain back. Well, the problem is You got a show that night. So the clock's ticking. So everything is based around the show. So you're like, alright 130 is such primo daytime. So then you're like, all right, we do the yoga, now you're gonna get out at 2.30, then you're gonna go see a movie. I mean, you're losing all your hours.

No, we had to do the movie Saturday. Go to yoga. And just yoga, it's insane. If you guys are single and not gay or gay, go to yoga. There's usually like three men, it's 40 of the hottest women of all time, sweating, leotards, things, bare feet. Stretching, bending over. Go there and it's such a hippie vibe. They're not going to be happy about that. They'll blame me, don't worry.

It's such a hippie vibe that everyone's like, how are you? They touch your leg. Oh, good vibes. Now this I got to come clean about. This is bad. Oh, please. At one point they go, Hey, if anyone wants to, I like to be physical and adjust. They adjust you if you're doing the wrong thing. They'll move your thing or your hips or your neck or your butt. That's a Southern thing. That shit won't fly up in a meet to York. Well used to a little bit, but I don't know. I haven't done yoga up here in a while. Okay. So the lady comes and we're doing a, um, I don't know, some kind of pigeon prayer, whatever the fuck my legs up in the air. She grabs my foot and ankle and adjusts them. Oh boy.

But it's the foot with the fucking wart. I got a big black nipple wart. Yeah, I've seen it. It looks like Yoda's taint. It's just a mess. It's cracked and dry and wacky. Sure. And I'm like, Oh my God, this hot yoga lady just touched my fucking gnarly diseased hoof. Oh, your shoe is off. It's yoga. Oh, you're barefoot. What are you gonna wear in my 1080s? Well, you gotta keep a shoe on that one foot well I don't think anyone's gonna be touching and rubbing my foot I know but what if someone gets a load of that thing while they're thinking oh she got a load she got a handful oh dead now I assume she's gotta have killed herself that's traumatizing touching a wart

whoof you turn into a gay but it it ended up being great, great yoga. So shout out to Maureen or Susan, Mary Beth. There you go. I think it's Mary Beth and her husband. I don't know. I don't know men's names, but sure. If you ever dies, give me a call. But then they both came to the show and they were all, they would die and laugh and piss in their pants. They brought a whole group of yogis. It was fucking great. So thank you. Shout out to them. You guys are the best. Thanks for the hookup. Hell yeah. Love to hear it. That's a good time. I've never done a yoga. I got to get in there one day.

You got to go. It's so fun. I love yoga. Really? That's not fun, but it's great. It's a workout. You die, you're sweating. Do you really get a workout though? I feel like the heart's not pumping. You're not lifting anything. You're not even doing a pull-up. You a pull-up fucking mind. I've never done it. Yeah. Well, then yeah, you know what the hell you're talking about Yeah, your heart is pounding. Well, first of all, it's pounding five degrees in the okay. All right, I can do that At home, but you know you do a lot of push I mean depending on the class you take what kind of class but this vinyasa shit

I mean vinyasa back up my ex-girlfriend, her class was like dumbbells and lifting. Oh, alright, alright. We were doing those, you had to hold our arms out like that. That one I was like shaking. Okay. But you know you do downward dog a lot and then into an upward dog, so you're doing a lot of push-ups and planks.

Oh, alright, alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, your whole body's shaking. It's a workout. Have you ever seen their bodies? You know, they're thin, but there's no muscle. Oh my God. You're like, couldn't be more wrong on this. This is crazy. They're muscular. The women are like ripped. Oh, all right. It's hot.

Okay. Check it out. Go look up, pull up some yoga bodies. I mean, I've seen the, I've seen the bodies that part I know, but you don't know what you're talking about. There's muscles, yoga, muscle body. Are they ripped guys though? I'm not a lady Yeah, yeah I mean a couple muscles on you're gonna have to do some other stuff. I mean, all right, but yeah It's not you don't do yoga exclusively. I see but if you do you can get ripped and it's good for the

the joints and the ligaments and You're like stretch arm strong you can you're bendable you're nimble it's an ancient practice there you go okay well it's good for the ladies cuz you slim down you get trim I'm talking about you want a little meat on you as a guy yoga body yeah pull up some guys naked big time okay all right you tell the story I gotta eat my cookie well I blew my wand last week on everything I had but uh how about this page the stage uh-huh you know that thing I've been working on well a guy likes it and he's

now shooting and funding like a real version oh boy don't let Zalkus hear that. Well I'm trying to get him in. Oh boy. But they're trying to push him out. But I'm keeping on holding on to him. Oh that guy's pretty damn ripped. Okay I take it all back. These guys that do serious yoga they stand on one hand with their whole body. Wow. Yeah it's fucking nuts. Alright handstand. So yeah we're gonna shoot Pays the Stage next week. You wanna come do an interview? Sure, where? We're gonna shoot at the Cellar, the New York Comic Club, the Stand, we're gonna jump around.

Jump around. Jump up, jump up, jump down. Yeah, so. Yeah, I'll be around. Alright, we'd love to have you. Hit me up. Well, I go to Tacoma Wednesday. Ah, this'll be Tuesday.

Alright, I'll be around Tuesday. Five o'clock? All right, well I gotta look at the book and all that stuff. All right, we'll look at the book, we'll look at the book. I'll probably figure out how to get out of it. Some guy's taking a chance, he's like, this is a big idea, we'll shoot it,

we'll sell it to Netflix, done deal. Wow. And I'm like, anybody who has like faith in you, you know, is so weird. Well, it's like that with your kid it's like anyone that i always say anyone that watches your kid touches your kid feeds your kid is nice to your kid i'm like do you want to live with me i know i know somebody picks up your kid you're like oh my god god bless you i saw a nanny the other day give my kid a little truck oh she's like very her

i was like that's a tractor she's like it's an excavator actually. She's Jamaican. She's an excavator I can't do Jamaican. Oh Jamaican on Get to the Jamaican, but we have a Jamaican lady who comes in at night. She's cool You guys got a lot of ladies you got that lady that's over there. You got a Jamaican lady You got two grandparents you gotta get them in here Yeah, I got a rotating door of horror, but we'll take it. Now, how about this?

We go to the airport. Tell me where you show up on this. I want like your two cents. Please. We go to the airport. We get to the airport. We go to the Red Sox game. Red Sox Braves, which was fun.

First of all, yeah, the Tomahawk Chop. Still there, right? Yeah, it started at FSU, but Braves commandeered it, and they still do it. That Ted Turner, he took what he wanted. He sure did. But a couple things to run by you. Please, I'm putting it right by ass.

This one was weird, but ended up being great. All right. So last year, I told you the owner of the club, Jamie, great guy, he says, why don't you come back and go to the Red Sox game? And so I go, great. says why don't you come back and go to the Red Sox game? And so I go great. I text Matt. We're gonna go the Red Sox game and may I'll take you to the game We'll get some tickets, whatever And then I get this text like two days before

Hey, man, just want to make sure you're still coming to the game and should we instead the invite to Matt? Oh I go What is this now? Well, that's not bad because at least he's throwing it out there. Well, the owner is taking us to the game. I thought I was just going to the game the way I go to the game. Oh, I was like, oh, we'll do the weekend and then I'm going to the game Sunday with Matt, my buddy, Matt. And he's like, yeah, so what's the deal? Is Matt coming along? I'm like, is he coming along? Of course he's coming along. Yeah. I booked the flights, we're on the same, he's just leaving at 8 p.m.

Right, right, but I was like wait. What is this? Like it's like one of those things where you're like it was like Peterman I'm like he's 10. He thinks we're gonna have dinner with us, right? Are you guys chummy? You get along with this cat? We're chummy. I mean it does feel like the boss though You're like oh my god I'm going out with the boss. And the other owner is, it's the two owners. Oh jeez, two owners? Yeah, well I think maybe there's a helium in Atlanta now. So maybe they're trying to wine and dine a little bit. I didn't know that.

Interesting. Can I say this too? I've never done a comedy show venue weekend where so many people told me other venues to do. Interesting. Every audience member was like, you know you you got to do the Buckhead Theater. You know, you should be doing helium. You should be doing, what's the other one down there? Laughing skull. Laughing skull.

Why don't you do laughing skull? I work at laughing skull. Why don't you do this one? I'm like, this is, I guess it's competition down there. I guess so. But if you've got the funny bone guy, what's it called? Helium. Punchline.

Punchline. You got the punchline guy and the helium guy they hate each other these guys are canoodling No, no, these are both owners of the punch love punchline. There's two owners punchline. That's just take me to the baseball game Oh, so the helium owns punchline. No, no, he was just a separate thing. Oh, I thought you said he was going to No, no, no, the two owners of punchline are tired of the game. Got it. My suspicion is they're trying to wine and dine punchline are taking us to the game. My suspicion is they're trying to wine and dine because people are dining and dashing. Oh, and going to helium. Right. I get it now. They got Grossman is down there, old Stan Grossman. Got it, got it. Whoa. Well, I've never done this punchline. I did the old one back when it was like a real place. But, you know, now it's at a restaurant I hear never done it I hear

nothing's finer than being in their diner I hear great things but those heliums are pretty good rooms yes they are but I think it's way out in the suburb so I don't know I haven't been over there yet but hotlanta you ever tell you ever try that oh I could tell you're not from there yeah Yeah, boy, you got that right. I live here. I hear when people say that too. Like sometimes I'll be like, yeah, up in Beantown, people like no one from Boston says Beantown.

I'm like, well, I just did. Yeah, and I'm from here. And yeah, I'm like, we don't, it's not like a genuine, like this is Beantown. Like I'm like, it's a nickname, everyone's aware of it. Beantown, I say it all the time It's a nickname. Everyone's aware of it. Beantown. I say it all the time. I've been saying it for 20 years. So. Yeah. You're not writing it on a plaque. You just said it.

Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. People do say Beantown. They love to correct. You know, you ever, you ever have this one where you tweet something and then you have a misspelled word, a typo, and then you delete it and you tweet the right way and then somebody goes, saw the typo. Right. Or they just type the typo as their tweet under it. You're like, yeah, yeah, I made a mistake and I corrected it.

It always makes me think of the little lights that not twinkling. I know Art and thank you for noticing. Yeah. This is the case. Yeah, exactly. Like they love to, I want you to know that I know. Yeah, it's very strange.

What does that do for you? Our whole society is very cunty It's frustrating. It's very gutty, but what can you do? Anyways, where the fuck was it? Oh, so now I'm like, I guess we're going the owner Now I gotta call Matt who doesn't he doesn't even know the owner and I'm like, hey We're actually going the game with the bosses of the club. Yeah, what is this? It's not to filling side felt He's like I wouldn't this? It did, it felt like Snipes. He's like, I wouldn't have said yes. Right, right. So you get in your head like, oh my god, we have to be on.

So I'm like writing material. I'm like, what do you make a baseball? Where'd you grow up? Do your kids like baseball? Right, right. Because you feel like I'm going to have to be on. Yeah, well, this is a comedian problem. Because other people go, oh, they're coming?

All right. And they just go, oh, other people are coming. We have to go, what? I got to talk to guy? I gotta chit chat? I gotta ask questions? I think this, comedians maybe are more like that, but I think there's plenty of people that are social anxiety. Okay, okay. Don't you think? Well, my wife is an extrovert, so she's like, the more the merrier. This guy's's coming that lady's coming great. I'm like, ah What's her name? I gotta get to know him. I don't want to talk to that guy You know, but she's like this will be fun more people I bet if may if I was like may I got you a ticket to the fucking?

What I don't know. What does she like anything? Not me. Let's see Like the reality TV I got you tickets the reality TV show awards I don't know what does she like anything? Not me. Let's see. What does she like? She likes reality TV. I got you tickets to the reality TV show awards. Okay. And she'd go great. You're going with the fucking the neighbor, the owner and this guy walking by. Bring it on.

Oh, I think you're crazy. She's down for an orgy. I think you're nuts. I think she'd be like what is this? Ask her later. I've never, everyone I've ever brought up. She hates Wow, you hang out with a motley crew over here. I think she she likes new people. She wants to get to know those people on a Job interview. They're like, I love meeting new people. That's her. Yeah

I mean, wow, the thing is to where I think we're extroverted guys, but not with the boss You feel like a boss is a different thing. That changes things. If it was like, wow, there's two other comics going, you'd be like, oh, okay, or something. But anyways, long story short, it's all mental. Because what happens is you build it up in your head. You build it up. And you have this thought,

when you think it's gonna be one thing, you're like, it's gonna be us two, so we'll be doing Seinfeld lines, we're gonna be shoving hot dogs in our ass. And I like to make those play-by-play videos where I'm like, folks, oh my god, there's a fat asshole. But I'm like, I can't do that with two guys there, real men. Well, at least they're comedy guys. They're in the biz. At least they might always getting content, he's annoying, whatever. That's true. But what happens is, you go there, you're nervous, you're like, oh my god, where are we gonna sit? We're gonna stick together. You get happens is you go there, you're nervous. You're like, oh, my God, where are we going to sit?

We're going to stick together. You get there. First of all, they pay. So I saved $400. OK, now we're looking up. And they're beautiful, like seats on the third baseline. Fantastic. That's fingering. And they couldn't have been nicer and more fun and funny. You're talking baseball all this time. It reminds me of that time.

I do comedy with this guy. Jason Lawhead says hello. This, blah, blah, boo, skibbity bop. And then it ends and you go, that was the most pleasant experience of my whole life. What's wrong with me? I do the same thing. What the fuck is wrong with me?

It catastrophize. You build it up. You go, this is gonna be a lot of work. I mean, I did it last week with the boat, with the wedding. I go, ah, the boat. I gotta take a bus to a boat, a trolley to a train and it was great Yeah, it all ends up being good because we have this thing in our minds that we

We mentally don't know what's good for us. It's the same thing as doing ecstasy We think oh, that'll be fun, but you know you're like oh wait that was stupid right the opposite We think talking to someone will fucking ruin our day But it actually makes the day makes good afterwards and every single time. I've had that that pang It's a weird word hon ba bang bang every time I had a pang I'm like ah I don't want to go to that every time I go maybe 98 percent I'm always glad I went yeah, it ends up being and then also your life just becomes what it is. There's no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Okay. Yeah, so anyways, good time with the boss. Ended up being great and the Red Sox won. So it was super fun.

And it's fun because we booked the game was at one thirty. We booked a eight thirty flight or seven thirty flight. So then you get the airport nice and early. Yeah. You went to the game, you hung out. I got to exercise in the morning, went to a meeting in the morning. So I felt like a million bucks. Well, I had a night flight is fun. Night flight is fun, night bright,

and then happy to be home, but then how about this, we go to TGI Fridays at the airport, because we have like two hours. The lounge changed their thing, their curricula, what do you call that? Oh, no. The, whatever, I can't bring in a guest. I used to have two guests, now I have zero guests. What happened?

You stole a diamond. They changed their policy. In the sky. Diamond used to be one plus two guests. Now it's just you. Is that right? Yes, it's 50 bucks for your guests. Oh!

Which I should just pay because going out to eat costs more than 50 bucks with Matt. Is that right? What is he eating? Jesus. What fucking decade are you living in? The airport? Oh yeah, good point. It's fucking 48 bucks for a piece of fish. Can't even blame these 9-11 guys. They probably had one Chili's 2 burger.

And yeah, they were going, hey we're going right into tower 7. What a bunch of jerks. Yeah. Like two towers. How do we get seven? Yeah, there's the twin towers. Yeah, where'd the seven come from? Seven heaven. Interesting. Yeah, I don't know. Somebody give that a go there, Choo Choo. Why is it called tower seven if it's two of them? Well, there's the twin towers, but I is there was seven World Trade Center buildings in all in the world in the country and that facility huh yeah there's a whole bunch of a building in a building yeah it says tower seven was designated as seven World Trade Center because it was the seventh building in the original

World Trade Center complex in lower Manhattan yeah I didn't know there was a complex I thought it was two buildings in macaroni. Well, that's because those are the two most famous buildings, you see. Ah, the other ones. Because they were the towers. Nobody knows the other buildings. Well, we know it now.

Sort of. Seven. Yeah. But I wouldn't call it a tower. It was towery. Well, you gotta figure the towers are 110 stories. The twin towers. Yeah.

So a 40 story building is still a tower. Yeah, I guess you're right. What's going on over here? There's been people in your street this entire time. You know what it is? These guys do, I don't know about the photographer, but these guys do wall, they go to Target for delivery. They buy a bunch of groceries, and then they pack them

in their car. Oh, OK. Because there's just been a different black man standing right in this street. Oh, they're auditioning for my wife, I think. Who the hell knows? I love my wife to fuck a black man. Oh, well, you can arrange that quite easily. Have you seen this Bonnie Blue?

She's going for 2,000 now. Who the hell's Bonnie Blue? Is that a chicken company? So this crazy, this crazy kooz is like a porn star, only fans, slut, and she did a thousand men a day, can fuck her. So guys lined up. How do I get in there? Well, I think you just gotta pull a number like a deli, but you can line right up if

you want to get waiting a thousand seeder and plow her, I think you get two minutes each, she knocks it out in a day. What? Yeah, and now she's doing 2,000. She already did the 1,000 and it went great apparently. I don't understand, so then she does it for money? You have to pay? She films it, you buy it, I don't know if the guys pay

because they're part of the production. Do they do, they test them out? All tested and condom I think, or maybe just tested. They all get tested. And you're supposed to stay hard in line. Oh, 100%, yeah. I fuck my wife eight minutes every three days and we go through six cartons of lube a month. Like, be diddy, you got tons of oil bottles,

but what is she doing? You think she's just looking at an iPad eventually? Like, you can't be stimulated by these guys after the 600th. I have no idea. I'd be looking through fortune cookies and Seinfeld reruns, I don't idea. I'd be looking through fortune cookies and Seinfeld refunds. I don't know. A thousand takes a long time. That's what I'm saying. I should

do it in 2000. If it's two minutes each, that's 4000 minutes. Isn't that days? I don't know. Maybe it's a minute each. I think you just put it in and leave. 4000 minutes, 4000 divided by 60, right? That's the difference between men and women right there. If I go, hey, I'm fucking a thousand women a day, I don't know if anyone's lining up except for my wife and Chuck. Am I crazy on this math? Is that 66 hours? They receive 30 to 45 seconds. Oh, sorry. OK. OK.

That's that's too much time. 30 to 40 seconds of fucking. Yeah, I could probably come in that amount. Oh, yeah. random blonde lady. I don't think they're looking for them to come. I think she's just like technically having sex. I can't help it, it's coming. Yeah.

It's coming out, so take that in the face there, blue balls, bunny blue balls. How about this now? Now with the baby and travel, I don't know about you guys, but we have to have sex like, all right, tonight's a sex night. We're not there yet, we're still spontaneous. Tonight I'm like, about you guys, but we have to have sex like all right tonight's a sex night We're not there. Yeah, we're still

Spontane tonight. I'm like we have sex because the baby goes to bed and you got stuff to do last night sex night Because I was gone for four days And so then all of a sudden six days since you fucked so what's the fuck? She's like I gotta call my mom and I go well What's fucked before you call your mother good get it out get it out of the way She's like no no because I'll put it off. And I just want to knock this out. My wife, she calls her mother,

she calls them Joe Rogan podcast. They talk on the phone for literally three hours. Wow. She's hocking alpha brain. I talked to my mother. It's 80 seconds. Literally. Yeah, same. It's like body blue.

Within five seconds. Yeah. Oh, body blue me. It's just immediately like, okay, all right, well. Yeah, because you know everything. So they talk for three hours and I hear them ending the conversation at one point and it goes on for another 75 minutes. It's like, okay, well, and they talk about everything, which I'm jealous. My mother, we can't sustain a conversation for more than one minute. No, I'm not

jealous. I'm in your camp. I don't want to talk to my mom one minute. No, I'm not Joe. I'm in your camp. I don't want to talk to my mom for 45. Well, I'd like to be able to have a conversation if I wanted to, but it goes for three hours. It's fucking 12 o'clock. I had to go to bed. So no fuck? No, and you know when you're in the mode, it's like when you have to shit and you get home and shit is like, I'm ready.

Yes, yes, you're ready to bang. I was in full fuck mode and instead I listened to the Katrina Sarah Talamash Rogan episode. Oh just a jerk. No Her mom's name is Katrina. Yes, it goes on and on and on and on. Oh my god. Did you ever see this? You remember that show? Wow first moved here I mean, I hate to say it but my wife's cool where I could probably just Pull those pantaloons down and just bend her over the counter. She's like you got that right mom, and I'm oh my god Oh, I mother my mother-in-law's old lady British accent forget about it

I'm getting bonered up chubbed right now. Yeah, you ever heard of a free use Yes, I heard about it on this podcast seven or eight times. You told me about it. Oh, it's a good time. I enjoy the Free Use. You love Free Use. You ever heard about Reverse Bukkake? Oh, yeah, I saw yours.

I saw your trial video. It never got put out, but I caught it. I want a Reverse Bukkake bat. Is it squirting? It's big squirts all over. They just... Oh, speaking of squirts. That sounded like when you first put the needle in the record.

It did. It did sound like that. Hold on, I'll get you one. Please, I need a backup. Wow, your ass is on fire today. I got some good ones today. That was a whopper. I got some good, oh baby, get some of that. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh Chick-fil-A. Wow that's death. Death. Pure death. Chuck's grandmother just woke up.

It sounds like somebody opened the coffin. I'm sorry. Woo weee. I thought that would be funny. I thought you would laugh a little. She's 96. Yeah it's funny. Real funny. Funny guy over here. Trying to loosen the load here. Funny how. Look at that. She's got a pair of flowers and the biggest ass I ever saw. Boy, that reminds me, I farted on the bus back from the wedding. You had to take a shuttle bus. And you ever get this where the guy behind you, I'm with the wife where we're giggling, the guy behind us is having the worst conversation on the planet and it's

like an hour ride and you can hear the girl next to you, because you just go on a bus, and you just sit next to Rando's. So this guy's like, yeah, then I got into Bitcoin, and then that's when I made my first million, and you know, my mom, she told me not to get into hedge fund work,

but I did it, and I know what I'm doing, and what are you doing? The girl's like, well, and he's like, well, you know what, I think crypto's the way to go. That's the future Trump's gonna save it And she's like yeah, I think he's like well Let me just say this and you're like I couldn't I couldn't stop listening was so fascinating how boring he was wow So why is the groom sitting behind you? Take that for sad, but I'm just saying there's nothing better than hearing a horrific conversation and not being in it

Yes, it's a good time great feeling and that poor gal what you got off the bus I gave her one of these like you're a trooper. Oh, it amazed me, but either way like I felt for the lady Now we I had a similar thing with that connection of like my god. Yeah, sorry please now Tell me how you feel about this are we do we have time for a quick story right all right I'll be oh my god check almost you gotta get all the plastic there there you go 61 what the hell's our signal we're dying over here we're farting in the mic I got nothing Pete Hickseth I'm making stuff up. Yes. I didn't even go to a wedding.

No, I've never even heard of a wedding. That fart didn't even stink. Alright, so we're at TGI Friday. Let me just run through it real quick. Please. Now our waiter, it's Atlanta. So our waiter's a black man, very nice guy. And he's like, hey guys, what time's all your flights? And we go, wait, wait. I was like, flight doesn't leave in three hours. Soul plane? He's like, okay, you cool, you cool, all right.

He's like, one of those guys. All right, all right. And I like that kind of guy. A cool black hep cat. Very cool cat. So then, we're sitting there eating, we're talking, hey, I'll have the chicken parm, extra sauce, a chocolate chip cookie, a grande amperes cloud.

You know me, my friend, my man. Flat fart revealed that. And then, we got two guys over here. They're like queefy, um, granola, Colorado beard guys. Oh yeah. They just bombed that temple. White, white with boots, the hiking boots. Oh yeah. Yeah. I know the type. So we're talking, Hey, me and Matt Wayne. All right. Yeah. Oh, and then I'll get another cup of jizz. All right. Take care. And then this guy goes, uh, my man, my man. Who's the waiter? He's saying my man to the wait. Oh boy. And I'm like, my man. Oh boy. Not my man, my man.

And then he goes, he goes like this. All right. Thank you, brother, man. Oh, thank you. Brother man. Nothing worse than the white guy who talks like that around the black guy. I was just squinching my tits. I was like, what are you doing, brother man? And so after he left, he was like, thank you, my brother man. And then I went to the waiter like this. So he was like that, and he did his eye roll like. That's big!

It was nice. I liked the connection because- You're letting him know that not all whitey is annoying. Well, he's just an idiot and one thing I've learned from doing black rooms when I was young... Yeah. They just, everyone wants you to be genuine. Yes, yes. They don't like, because some white guys are just that guy, they're like, what's up man, I'm from the fucking day.

You gotta be that guy all the time. Exactly. This guy's like, hey, my man, yo, what up player? And you know what that is? How you doing, dog? I'm like, what are you doing, yo, what up, player? And you know what that is? How you doing, dog? I'm like, what are you doing? What's shaking my hand? That's Colorado.

They don't have any black folk over there. So they're like, oh, I know how to talk to these people. Like he's a different species. He was like, shee, let me get a Coke filled up, would you? I'm like, what's wrong with you, dude? He's just a guy. Hey, let me get a water. Yeah, what's good playa?

But I felt good cuz I had a nice connection with the with the colored fella because we both Good you talk to your slaves, but God say that's too far that one was bad. What are you doing? Alright, alright T TGI Friday. But, yeah, no, brother man. We were like, what are you doing? Brother man. Yeah, that's brutal. Alright, brother man. Oh, come on. Leave the poor black alone. Oh, he hated him. But anyways, we gotta wrap it up. Small Ball is sweeping the nation.

Have you seen this thing? I'm dying to get to watch it. It's a small ball. It's on YouTube. Right now, go there. Like, subscribe, comment, share it, post it, whatever the fuck. Have it running on your phone. It's all algorithm, this thing.

Yes, yes. Have it streaming on your computer, your laptop, your phone, the whole thing. I'm in New England right now, gone for the summer. I'm in New Hampshire right now, gone for the summer. I'm in New Hampshire, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, we're adding shows at all these places. Burlington, Vermont, come on up to there. Come down from Montreal, come up from New Hampshire, wherever you're going.

Oh yeah. And Denver Comedy Works. I'm back at Denver Comedy Works, September 11th through the 13th. Oh man. Those will sell out. I'm gonna be there talking to my ex-girlfriend's mother and brother. Oh boy. I can't wait. Keep us posted on that. Okay. I'm in Wausau, Wisconsin.

Green Bay with Wisconsin. San Jose. Eugene, Oregon. The Melody Tent in Cape Cod. Boston. Bean Town. Please come out to this. I'm not from there. We need to have you. That is not selling. I got the tickets lowered. Then I'm at Foxwoods and Ben Salem PA. Australia, New Zealand, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland, Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide, you name it. Maybe not Brisbane, and then in Las Vegas, Calgary, I'm doing the Great American, then we got Dallas, Dayton, Ohio, Akron, Ohio, Huntsville, Alabama, Hattiesburg, Mississippi.

Get on the Patreon, queef it up, tell a friend, what do you got, check, check. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. New episodes every Wednesday, Fun Bearable. New episodes every Wednesday, video and audio. Go to funbearablepod.com to check our stuff. It's with Ray Harrington, Brad Rohr, fun stuff, at fun bearable pod on every social whatever. And send the man a nice DM, his dog died, so he needs all the loving again. Absolutely. It's going to be fun. Goodbye.