Tuesdays with Stories! - #610 Gee, You Knit?

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

Mark tells the twisted story behind the cancelled Rochester show! Joe’s special comes out and goes GANGBUSTERS! Plus the two queef queens do Adam Ray’s Dr. Phil show! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays - Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of 15% OFF (Minimum $75 purchase) with code TUESDAYS15 at https://huel.com/TUESDAYS15 - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what... Go baby go! What the fuck? Sorry, I was looking at my notes here. I'm all over the place, it's 10 in the morning. Chuck's gay, I'm fat. The world is ending.

Here we are. We're back. Chuck, I got seven messages that your camera angle stinks. You don't know how to direct a fit. They're blaming me. They're like, I can see your legs. Your knees are bigger than your head. The angle sucks. Really? You think you're a filmmaker. Some guys like, you like Woody Allen, but this is horrible. And I'm like, what does Woody Allen have to do with anything? I'm like, what am I, the DP over here? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like, what does Woody Allen have to do with anything? I'm like, what am I, the DP over here?

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just sitting here. Double penetration. That makes sense to watch a Woody Allen movie and compare it to a podcast with one angle. That makes sense. Yeah. Well, I mean, they said your knees are bigger than your head

and your legs are too pale and your farts smell bad. All true. Oh, low blow. We would never shoot on you like that. That's crazy. Rupert's fat. You're gay. There we go. How is Rupert? Is he alive? Oh, low blow. We would never shoot on you like that. That's crazy. Rupert's fat. You're gay. There we go.

How is Rupert? Is he alive? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I want to show you something after this. Did he lose weight? Is he on the Ozepic, I hope? He did a karate demonstration in a karate game. And I got to show you it.

Oh, is he better? Is he tough? Is he going to beat the shit out of us? Yeah, he was a high school wrestler. He used to suck weight. Suck weight? Well, he held onto it. Yeah, he sucked a lot of wrestler, used to suck weight. Suck weight. Suck weight. Well, he held onto it. Yeah, he sucked a lot of it.

That's like when a wrestler puts on like a crazy plastic suit and like be like, I got to lose three pounds by tomorrow. Oh, yes, yes. That's a thing. I've seen that. People have died from it. The garbage bag. Yep.

That's what I call sucking weight. Yeah, it's called sucking weight. No, it's called dropping weight. Cutting weight, drop weight. Yeah, you don't suck weight. Because if you sucked weight, you'd have weight. That's lipo. Suck dick. Sucking weight. Yeah, you don't suck weight because if you sucked weight you'd have weight. That's lipo. Suck dick. Sucking weight. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, you cut the weight, you spit in a cup, you're jumping jacks in the steam room. Sucking weight or sucking down is a term used in wrestling,

particularly in high school, to describe the process of rapidly losing weight to compete in a lower weight class. I never heard suck weight. My best buddy was a wrestler and I never heard, I hang out with Vecchione and the other guy Greg Warren Warren got text warred Greg Warren all-american wrestler at Mizzou Is that great by the way in like 1974 the guys 85 years old? What does that mean all-american? Such a big major top seven in the country what yeah really I feel like I hear like Chris D They said it was all-american Basketball get out of here. I hear a d3 ball3 ball well I don't know Chris D just says things he doesn't know what an all-american he didn't play

D1 he might have been a division three all I mean he's all-american and that he's a Republican who lives in Staten Island that's what I thought all-american I mean all-american I played basketball with Chris D yeah my wife is African American so gross yeah Nice no Chris D. I think he played in Europe pro ball if you believe that I don't know Who knows I heard the pro bowl is actually not that impressive pro ball It was in the pro bowl the pro bowl is the worst thing in the history of any. Yeah, that's pro bono No one watches it. What's pro bono? That's free right now. I think it's what you like you too. Oh

Come on all right better than that to think it's when you like U2. Oh, come on. We're better than that. Tweet it. That joke was the edgy. Hey! Okay. U2. Who is that? I did this joke on the podcast a while back. That guy, Steve Forrest had a joke where he said... Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy.

NWA had a song called Fuck the Police. And then the police was like, Fuck U2. And then Bon police was like, fuck you too, and then Bono was like, what the hell did I do? Oh, that's fun. That's a fun joke. I did this bit six months ago in here. That's fun. It's kind of like Norm's old joke.

No, no, no, not Norm. Gary Shandling. He goes, yeah, you know, I used to fuck Miss Georgia. And they go, really, is that right? And he goes, no, no, sorry, sorry, I former Miss Georgia and I go oh still he goes I'm sorry it was George Foreman. That's not bad. The way you get there it's fun. It's kind of like Sarah Silverman's joke. My doctor said my pussy smells like a peach a peach tree peach tree dish. Great jokes. We love jokes here at Tuesdays with stories and keep in mind folks you dizzy fucks. We're usually joking. Yes

Boy I got 75 messages a day. You're a communist. You're a rapist. You're a piece of shit. You're a homo. You're black She doesn't write to me that's true Boy, what a what a time. We got to get into some stuff. I mean, we traveled together. What's the last time we traveled together? I think Phoenix in 88. Wow. That was right after my wedding, as a matter of fact.

What was that? 2000? 17 August 17. Holy shit. I got married and three days later, you and I jet set it off to Phoenix. Oh, yeah, that was the honeymoon. Sorry, sister. That was that was fun time that was a lot that was eight years ago. Wow! I know. That's a machi machi that flies. How's your sternum? That was a thud. Yeah that hit me right on the old ribby. Mmm rib eye. So. But anyways yeah we went out to Indianapolis. Yes. What a time. There were the races, a lot of races, black, white. That's about it.

But they got the Indy 500. They got the other one. They got basketball, Indiana Hoosiers. Pacers are big. The Pacers. Oh yeah, they're huge. Pacemakers. What else is out there?

Not much. Indiana Jones. Ku Klux Klan started there. That's something. The Indiana Fever. Do you do the bit about the Zoom? Saving the bit. It's not that good. Okay, it's a good bit.

Working on the bit. That's better than anything you got. All right. Now we're talking. This guy, we bounced a bit and I fell over laughing and said, you got to do that tonight. Have you done it? I did it last night and slept in it. I was sticking the same line.

It, uh, yeah, it worked last last night so I think we got something oh that's something you know it's funny is a week ago I had that I got nothing the tank is empty I can't think of any bits how do I ever write a bit and then here we are it comes on it comes well to me you turn it on and it just flows in yeah and you can't force it you can't ever, hey, how do you do all the material? I go, I don't know. Don't talk about it. Don't say anything.

I know. It comes sometimes. It comes. Unlike my wife, you've got to just let it flow sometimes. And then Louie would always say, you're going to gnaw on a bit. You're going to go, I can't crack it, Jerry. I just can't do it. And that's when you crack it.

Right when you had to wits end. Or you put it in the drawer, and then you crack it later. Love a drawer. I always talk about the Gullman state abbreviations joke that was a joke he did. I saw him do in 2003 it was 90 seconds long it bombed I was like that's great he's like I can't figure it out. Wow. It's like it's his masterpiece it's his you know his goodfellas his Godfather. Yes. Well that's why you need time, Jerry. Give time time is what we say in the program. Give time time.

Yeah. Interesting. Well, you can't have 20 years in two days. You've got to give time time. Ooh, I like it. It's good stuff. We got a lot of good stuff over there. You put that comma in there.

It really changes everything. Comma chameleon. Comma causey. Yeah. Comma toast. So what was I saying? I don't know. Oh, you got to give time. Give time. Time, time. You can't force it. I had a joke about these teachers who fucked their students, these women in Florida, and it was a one liner I did in Cleveland. Hey, I love Cleveland. I'll be back Cleveland, I'm coming there. If anyone has any gig or business in Cleveland for any reason, you let me know, I'll be there.

Yes, Cleveland. I'm open for anyone in Cleveland. I'll do a whole week there, a month. Well, Cleveland rocks, but yeah, so I did a gig there, or a line there, and it worked, and I was like, I should expand on that, and I couldn't do it, and then one day, I was just showering, and I was like, maybe this is it it and it works now, but I was eight months later. Yes. So you got to give time time eight months later

AC we could use some oh Yeah, what's the AC coming on? Maybe it is but it's quiet. You feel anything. They're built to be quiet much like a woman That thing stinks I think it takes a while to rejigger now I never I never want to sound controversial and like a real dickface but it was on heat oh always a good move but my hit heat on my career would you cuz I got nothing but just kidding small ball through the roof unbelievable we're at 300,000 by the time that people see this.

Wow. I think that C word last year really fucked me. Your wife? It took me a month, no, not all year. It took me a week to get 100,000 last year. Wow. And this one, 150,000 in 24 hours, 250,000 in two hours, two days, so.

Like a runaway train. I mean, I was at your house. We got to talk about all that. Popped in, hold on. Bless you. Ooh, that was a real elephant there. That's like a sneeze. There we go.

Babar. So, yeah, we went to the house. We had the big watch party. Oh, yeah. So what happened? You got to talk about Rochester here. If you're going to do that, because that was Rochester. So yeah, we went to the house. We had the big watch party. Oh yeah, so what happened? You got to talk about Rochester here. If you're going to do that, because that was Rochester.

And I got 14 messages saying, your friend's a piece of shit, how can you hang out with this guy? He's a scumbag, he blew it. That was Thursday night. Yeah, that had nothing to do with Rochester. It was just, they read your diary. Well, I had a great week, and I had one of those great weekends where it's a Rochester Friday and a Portchester Saturday, which is all New York a lot of Chesters So it's like 45 minute flight here a drive back there. No, no big deal. So I was gonna fly to Rochester Friday Fly back Friday morning to New York City and then hop in a car with Raj and drive to

Portchester was a 40-minute drive. Then you can park in a garage folks. Hey, I like it. So yeah we did the show on Saturday we drive right back it's a beautiful weekend you're home on Sunday then we go out and we'll get to that later on Sunday. Right. So Friday night 44 minute, cruise over to LaGuardia, can't wait. We actually sold some tickets in Rochester. We've done the club for years. I did the, was it called the Webster Comedy Club or the New York Club? Webster.

That was the short black club. Oh yeah. I know that's a dictionary. But what was that one in Webster? It was outside of Rochester. I don't think I ever did Webster. Oh, OK. It had a mechanical bowl in the other room?

No, I think I would remember a Webster mechanical bowl. All right. Now Webster on a mechanical bowl. That would be fun. Give this a goog if you can't, Chuck, while you're looking up fat whores. It's a Webster club in Webster, New York. And it's closed.

But I did that one for years, that club was rough. Then he opened a new one called The Carlson. Yes, comedy The Carlson. Killer, great room, but I've always done that one coming up. And Rochester's not exactly the hottest market. No, no, it's a rough, gnarly area. Woo, well they had it all. It was like a hot lady who got ugly.

It was like they had Bausch and Lomb, Kodak, the other guy. Right. You know what? Fun nugget that's still up there. You know about the secret film files up there? No. JFK? Martin Scorsese, the goat in my opinion, his entire film collection is in a safe in Rochester, New York. What? Right around the corner from the club. He owns all these original prints. He's like a major collector of film prints. And they're all stored in Rochester, New York.

Wow. Isn't that something? Why there? I don't know. Cheap? Yeah, probably. Is it called The Comedy Club? I think that was it.

The Comedy Club. Very creative. Yeah, good name. I wonder why it went out Comedy Club? I think that was it. The Comedy Club. Very creative. Yeah, good name. I wonder why it went out of business. I know, right? Mechanical Bull didn't help. But they also had like porn star waitresses. That was like the highlight of the club.

So you're like Jim Norton and Patrice and all these guys were like, we'll do that one three times a year. Interesting. There was like the Milwaukee club that was in the strip club. Oh, really? You remember that club? Yeah. It was, you had to walk through the titty bar,

which was great. No way. Yeah, yeah, and you could hear, while you were on stage, you would hear the music from the titty bar. Lick it up. Girls, girls, girls. And then you're like, so cereal's weird. Yeah, exactly.

Pour some sugar on, you guys ever put sugar on a cereal? You're eating and drinking at the same time with one hand. Yes. Jerry. Yeah, so, I don the same time with one hand. Yes. Jerry. Yeah. So why the one hand is in there? I might have made up the one hand. Yeah, that didn't sound right. He's got a lot of those. He's not driving. You're inside, but you're outside. You're sitting still, but you're moving. I like that. That's great. That's great. People give him shit for stuff like, oh, corn ball, like, that's actually kind of clever. No, he's like a brilliant stand up.

Of course, they hate him because whatever. They ain't him. Yeah. I don't know. He also, you know, talks about how all he does is writes, and he's put out three specials of old material. He just keeps doing like, here's the last special, here's my stuff from the 80s, it's very strange.

Well, that's also brilliant from a money-making stance. Right. But I don't know about prolific. I got to ask you something about that later. Oh, boy. On air, but I don't want to keep getting away from this Rochester business. Go to LaGuardia, and it's one of these, like, got a nice first

class ticket and this puddle jumper. Here we go. Go to the lounge first. I leave early. Get away from the house for a second, leave early, have a nice meal at the lounge, couple of coffees, wolf down some cookies. Hi, Taylor to the plane, you sit there and you go, here we go. I'll take a quick nap-a-rooney, then it's off to a hot theater show.

I'll get drunk with my opener, fly back in the morning, and then go to Port Chesa the next day. And then it's, we got a 20 minute delay. We're gonna sit here on the tarmac. We're 13th in line, not bad. We're gonna get it moving. Sorry, got a little paperwork up here. Could use a blow job and a cup of coffee.

Oh, and you're like, all right, here we go. Upside, now we're 58th in line. We gotta wait up. There's a guy who needs to shit up front, he's going to Turkey, whatever, he's getting hair transplant, so we're gonna be another 20, and then cut to four hours, and you're doing the whole thing with your manager, like, I'm just letting you know we're a little delayed, I'll tell the tour guy, ah shit, now it's looking like we're really delayed.

So the show got pushed from seven to eight. We'll do that, we'll buy you some time. It's a 44 minute flight. You go straight from the airport. And you're like, no problem. And what time was the original flight? Uh, 2.45. So I was going to land at 4, go to the hotel, get to the venue at 6.30. All right. Too tight? That's not how I like to live my life, but we're different kinds of guys. Well, it should have been your kind of guy. Well, first of all, the first flight out is always nice because the plane is there. That's why the early flight is big. The plane is already ready to rock. But your plane, that's not why you were delayed

though, right? No, we were delayed for crew. Ah, the crew. They couldn't find a crew, which is weird. Like, you don't have a crew set up? Did they quit that day? Well, you also wanna be like, fuck the crew then. We'll just go two pilots. Yes! Give me two pilots. I don't need a cocktail.

I don't need a fucking safety. It's 44 minutes. Yes. Yes, good point. Who needs a crew? I'll do the crew. I know the speech! I've flown 700 times!

Fucking seatbelts, help yourself before helping another, the exit may be behind you, tray tables and seats, suck my dick. Don't smoke, turn your phone off, airplane mode. Yeah, I know all the shit, and then I'll walk through the aisle, Coke, okay, Pepsi, cookie cookie cracker I like that what you call it cracker and word

So yeah, so no crew wait away crew neck and We just it just said then you get the kiss of death is Guys, we're gonna let you off the plane for a while, stretch your legs, and then we're going to re-board. I haven't had one of these in years. It was crazy, because that was the kiss that I'm like, it could still be, there's still hope. And I'm getting tweets and Instagram stories like, holding the drink in the audience, you know?

And you're like, they're all there, they're seated, everyone is there. And the tour manager, his wife works at Delta, so he's like, I'm getting an inside scoop, it's not dead in the water, we still gonna have a crew on the way, you never know, and I'm like, okay, ah, then you start thinking, maybe I'll drive there, but it's a seven hour drive, it's never gonna work. Now did this cross your mind?

Charter me a jet. Oh. Get me a plane. Oh. You got people already there, you call up Starlink or Starlight or whatever the fuck it's called star bright star bright star bright turn on the magic of uh... anyway yeah yeah maybe you get a plane you lose some money but you think about it? I'd never cross my mind okay that's not bad it's not bad what about a chopper I could go full full Kobe all the way over there. But what is that?

Like if a flight is 44 minutes, what's a a helicopter? Probably a little longer. I think they're not as fast as a jet. Three hour. A three hour tour. Can you look up helicopter LaGuardia to Rochester? Is that on the GPS Google Maps? Can you do a flight, bike, chopper? I bet that could be, I'm going to say, hour 40 maybe. That quick? I think so. Because it's a 40 minute flight, so double on a helicopter? I don't know.

I don't know helicopter speeds that well. I don't either. You know what's fun about a helicopter Every time someone walks onto a helicopter. They have to duck right just instinctively because you're like Obviously, they wouldn't build it decapitation level right is everyone would die, but everyone goes yeah. Yeah good point That's a little great Seinfeld bit by the way, but the cops grabbing the head They hit him with hammers, they break his arms behind his back and they're like, I don't want you to hit your head.

Yeah, that's gold. People that think Jerry's not funny just haven't done a proper dive. That's gold, Jerry. Yeah, so it says there's not specific information about a helicopter, but it should be about 90 minutes. What? We nailed it. From there to there?

Wow. We nailed it, Jerry. What? Nailed it. From there to there? Wow. Nailed it. Totally worth it. I would risk a, you know, a fiery death for a little chop chop. Now what's a, I'm sorry to put you to work here. We're paying you $75,000 a day. What's a, what's a private jet cost from New York to Rochester? Cause I think that's like 30 grand or something like that. I think you're right. I bet a little less, but yeah. Okay, well you got bank. You could have made it. I could have made it. You heard it here first, folks. He doesn't care about you guys.

He could have flown private. I don't have jet mindset yet. I'm not a jet setter. I'm not thinking about jet black or jet Lee. Oh, we're not the jet set. We're the old Chevrolet set. Hey, keep talking, I'm looking. All right, all right, yeah.

Jet, I'm thinking, I'll take the tin can too. I don't need the fancy schmancy with the happy ending. Get the Buddy Holly plane. Give me the Buddy Holly what's the other one? Littered, skittered. Big bopper. Yeah, I'll take all of them. La Bamba. Oh yeah. Los Lobos kicks ass by the way. I've been listening to a lot of Los Lobos, they're fantastic. What is that about ears? No, Los Lobos, I think it's the wolves or something. Oh, the wolves, yeah. Here come the wolves.

Nothing on the private jet, see? It's funny, I found a thing and it's like put in this for your calculator to let you know how much it is. Well, this is the thing, things like this, real rich stuff, it's very hard to find the price on. Exactly. When you look up menus, they don't have the money. If you try to look up a cruise ship, not a cruise ship,

but a yacht and all that, they're like, hey, that just shows you all the detail. Because they know what you got. They don't have a bottom line. Yes. You can handle it. It's tacky to be like $35,000 or whatever. I think I found it.

I think you could get there for 12 grand. So super mid-sized cabin jets seems like the cheapest. I said it's 50 minutes to get there. How much do you think it is? You have a 30,000? $14,000. How about you? I'll say, I'll go low ball, 12 grand.

28,950. OK, it's a 30 originally. To get to Rochester? Oh, you know what, hold on. Under it says large cabins, even though the first one's mid-size, and that one's 23,000. Alright, alright. That's the cheapest, it's 23. 23 grand!

Well, if you're making a hundo on the theater, which I wasn't, but I'm just saying, if you're making a hundo, that's kind of worth it. Yeah, of course! And that way you don't have a know much people mad at you. It's been in parking and the things So my friend was the opener and he the the the owner of the theater goes you want to go out there and tell the audience He's like are you fucking nuts? I'm not going out there. They got torches and pitchforks, right? So the owner's like I'll go out there and he goes Hello folks, you know, they never know how to talk in public So the owner's like, I'll go out there. And he goes, I love this guy. He's a big, squirrely fat nerd.

He's like a Rupert. And he goes out there and he goes, he got the 1pm flight, never took off. And I go, that's a nice guy. Right. Cause he lied, cause I took the late flight. Yeah, yeah. Wow. But that sucks ass.

But it was nice cause then you popped over my house. But then you're a complete psychopath cause you're like well I gotta go I got a spot at stand-up New York. Well I was at LaGuardia just sitting there like well that sucks your whole night's ruined you had these visions of grandeur you're at the theater you get panties thrown at you and bottle caps and then you're like whoa okay give me a cocktail and now here I am at the lounge like no dice. But does any party go great I can go home and spend the night with my wife and baby. Well the baby's And now here I am at the lounge like no dice. But does any party go great? I can go home and spend the night with my wife and baby.

Well the baby's asleep and you had a special. Yeah that's true but you could have made it a night over there. Yeah I booked the spot. I go hey my first thought was hey I lost a spot let me see if I can get a spot. Right I hear you. And then you said Popeye. Big Pop. That was a great pop. Thank you.

Surprise pop. Pop quiz. Hot shot. I love those gunshots. Yeah, so we had a little hang for the special premiere party. We had Salacuse over there, Sarah's sister, Siobhan. Siobhan's pregnant wife. Sarah, of course, and her friend Natasha, who's great.

Wait, was that Sarah's sister at the table? No, maybe you missed Sarah's sister. Oh, you must have missed her. Yeah, yeah. She left early. She doesn't want to watch my comedy. Nah, I get it. But no, that was Natasha, who's a singer, musician from Canada. Very cool. Yeah. Yes. She seemed worldly. She had something about her. Oh yeah. There's something about her. All right But anyways, so it was great to have you you pop in for a little bit. We jumped in that chat That was a lot of fun. Oh the chat is a blast. See that's what you don't get on Netflix. Suck it you big N-word I think I'm done with Netflix. What do you think about that?

I'm out. Can I have your password? YouTube they took it away when I submitted my hour This is the worst thing we've ever seen. Which by the way, everyone's so positive, but some of you fans, just a few of you, you're full retarded. It's crazy. Like there are some people, very few, that are like saying things, like talking like they know things. And I'm like, you have no, literally no concept what you like talking like they know And I'm like you have no Literally no concept what you're talking about whatsoever and you're talking like it's fat. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever They're a hundred percent cock sure they're like this is it you've been doing well Joe's only been doing comedy for 11 years

So what does he know and you're like, but I haven't I know it's like emails and I'm like, what are you nuts? They're like, here's the reason you're not on Netflix and I'm like, that's not the reason you don't know what you're talking about. But anyways, fuck Netflix. I'm coming out and saying it publicly. They stink. Get out of here. It's a bunch of garbage. Wow. You know, like, you know, like, is it cake or Bridgerton or like, is it cake? That's a fun show. So does Rupert.

But yeah, he can't. He eats his TV when the first cake comes up. It could be cake. You never know. Everything's cake. Now, Rupert. But yeah. He can't. He eats his TV when the first cake comes out. It could be cake. You never know. Everything's cake now. Rupert's cake. I like that Mikey Day. Oh, he's good. By the way, Nate told me he gave me the inside scoop. He's like, Mikey Day is the most talented person in that building. He's the best sketch writer of a generation. He wrote the George Washington thing. Oh. Yeah. He's like, Mikey Day is like a genius. I can see this. That's Mikey that said he's a genius But he's on the cake show get this guy a fucking movie now, but I agree

But I said this with Mikey my first was watching the show Maybe I said this in a podcast I can't remember but I was like god this poor guy's on this is it cake and then you realize I'm like He's probably having a blast. He shows up. It's not Stressful, there's no nerves easy lifting. He's probably having a blast. He shows up, it's not stressful, there's no nerves. Easy lifting. He's probably goofing around, he's probably friends with the crew and all the people and goes, hey, Bolshev, okay, that's fun. And he's probably having the easiest time, he gets a check. And all the cake you can eat. Yeah. And meanwhile, I'm looking at him going, boy, poor guy, we're over here just being like, would you eat, come, I would eat, come.

Sure. He might be looking at us going, look at these two retards saying, retard. Yeah, you got a point So yeah, I want a Netflix show. I hope I get Netflix. I love Netflix love Netflix call in Mikey if you're hiring I'll be a jib or a camera guy or a PA. What do you got checks dying to show? This is Mikey day and m night. They should hang out Night and day that's a pod. You're welcome Mikey. Who Who's M. Night? Oh, Shalemann? Yes! Oh my god, I'm eating over here. That guy stinks on ice.

What do you got? Rupert and the Karate Gi. Take it. Take it. We interrupted the show for Rupert and the Karate Gi. Oh my god, that poor Gi. You mentioned Rupert. Gi Wiz.

Jesus, lord, that Gi is hanging on for dear life. Gi, Gi, Gi, Gi, Gi, Gi unit. You know the old, when 50 Cent got his wife a sweater for Christmas? is hanging on for dear life. G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g are. Anyways, Netflix, fuck Netflix in the ass, come on their back. They don't know what they're talking about. Yeah, we got it. Well, they're like everything else. If I, if this special goes gangbusters and all of a sudden I'm selling out the Rochester, the what's it called again? The Webster. Oh, no, no And ride in that mechanical ball, they'll go, hey, my god, we wanted the last one, but Paul, we got you, get in here. Get out of here, too little, too late, you cumstain.

It's on YouTube, we can do the chat, we can see the numbers, we can get mean comments, we can make very little money. You can't say cunt, there's an ad every few seconds. He touched my leg. Okay, kill him, but the special is just unbelievable. And these comments, people say not to read comments, but on the special, podcasts, I agree.

That's all, you're a cuck, you're a commie, you're a piece of shit. Commie, wow, you're getting commie now? Well, I think I'm left wing and they think I'm right wing. It's kind of fun. That's a good place to be. I think so. They think you're straight and gay too. But anyways, now they think I'm right wing. It's kind of fun. That's a good place to be. I think so. They think you're straight and gay too.

But anyways, now they think I'm cheating on my wife and hitting her, which is kind of fun. I like that. Yay, live vicariously. Yeah, let me, yeah, that's right. I just smack my wife around and I cheat on her every night. That's who I am. That's a good living.

But the comments are like making me cry. Some people write that, that Edward Sizzle hands, he making me cry. And then Michelle Wolf wrote a nice thing. Josh Potter, I gotta give a shout out to him. This guy wrote the longest kindest message I've ever seen in my life. Is that right?

He can write? Yeah, I don't know if he can read it. He's gotta pull the phone away from his face. I got two telescopes up top. But it was the kindest message I've ever gotten my whole life. I think you might be a Tuesday too. So shout out, JP. We love you.

Great egg. Speaking of JP's, quick side note. I had the baby. I had to go to therapy with my child. And then I'm pushing the stroller, and there's no elevator at this thing. So I'm like, all right, I got to carry him up. I was carrying him in my arms.

He wanted to get out and see out the tree. So I'm trying to carry the stroller with one hand, like dragging it. Like in that scene in the Untouchables. Yes, yes. All of a sudden, someone lifts it up and carries it. I go, thank you so much. I look, it's JP McDade.

Wow. Is that something or is that something? What a hero. That's like a Superman movie. Well, I thought it was just a random guy. And I look up the guy's 7'2", and funny, and handsome. And it was McDade. Wow! He's just hanging out in random stairwells this guy?

Well he was on his way to see Sam as a matter of fact. Union Square. I see, I see. So wait, you bring your baby to therapy? Well I had to because Sarah was working. So what do you do? You just plop him right down? He sits in there, he listens, he goes, oh that's a good point Alan. What? Yeah, yeah, you hit me, you hit the wife, he's cheating. Well, then it was funny because Sarah had to come pick him up, like in the middle of the therapy. So she interrupted my therapy.

So when she came into the therapy, I go, so you think I just go to Cleveland? So I just moved to Cleveland? Oh, hey, Sarah. That was a fun bit. That's wild. Fun gag. Well, this is crazy.

This is a Grand Central Station at this therapy place. You got a daycare, you got a wife popping in. There's too much. It literally was four of us in a stroller in the therapy office all at the same time. It's a big stroller. Yeah, it was a lot. Holy shit. That's crazy. Alan might need a stroller by the way. He's 85.

How's he doing? Yeah, I haven't been back. Well, he's got allergies. So he was Alan-gees. His eyes were all puffed up and swollen he's crying and I was like all right relax I'm just telling you I'm in love with my ex no big deal he's a big big heave that guy you know they the allergy that's like their Holocaust I think the Holocaust was their Holocaust well there's a new thing now that's pretty bothersome but yeah good for Alan I hope you're doing all right lower those prices I'll call you I'm not in love with my ex. You don't have to message me.

Don't email me. Jesus Christ. It's a bit. It's a fucking gag. I'm getting so many messages. About what? About me? Yeah, they're like, tell Joe to say this. I'm like, yeah, I'll just tell Joe how to speak. That'll go over really well. To say what? To tell you to stop saying that.

That I'm in love with my ex. He's not in love with the ex. I love that. Sarah's not bothered just these people. I know I know these queefs who knows where but yeah everything's fine it's all a goof I'm not even married but we're having fun. Yeah well not for long anyways. I get a lot of uh can you tell Shane to be in my my school play I'm like I'll talk to him what are you up for me? I've had like three people be like these jokes are all my school play, I'm like, I'll talk to him. What do you want from me?

I've had like three people be like, these jokes are all in the last special. I'm like, wouldn't I know if these jokes were in my last special? You don't know your act. But anyways, it was fun. We have a poppin', great poppin'. Pizza, cookies.

The chat really is a blast, and thanks for everyone that came out and threw money around and made jokes. I mean, some people say the funniest shit in there. There's like, we have fans that are saying stuff that I'm like, that is as funny as anything you've ever said at least. Shit, well, maybe hire them.

What do you mean? To be on the pod. Oh, I see. I mean, I don't know that I hired you. Just said, do you want to do a podcast? I'm still waiting for the check, by the way. I'm literally waiting for my check from you. Oh, yeah.

That's two months' worth. I got it upstairs. Okay. That's where it will remain. We'll get it after. All right. We'll figure it out. We always forget.

We go, you leave, and I go, I have a check. Yeah, it's fun. It's actually nice. I like when we forget, because then it builds up, and I get like a $75,000 check. That's not a real number, everybody. Don't call in. Joking, Becca. But, checka. Oh, do I long for her. There we go. And a few other broads too.

Oh yeah, because you can hit them. And Rupert. Ah, Rupert. I think it'd be fun to fuck Rupert. He's a very sweet boy. Wow, you can slap the thigh and ride the wave. Yeah. I only get like a quarter of my dick in there, I think. It's such a big cushion. Ben Folds Five, oh, that guy has a lot of full, lot of roll. I always confuse Ben Folds Five and Five for Fighting, because they're both like piano guys with five in there.

I don't know Five for Fighting. Five for Fighting, they sang, When you only got a hundred years. And then Superman, it was like a Superman, it's not easy being Superman or something like that. Remember that Superman song, it was huge. Not the one that's like, I'll be your Superman. That's like three doors down, I think.

That song sucked. That's another number. It was about how hard it is to be Superman. It was like a ballady thing. And then there was another ballad, you only got a hundred years. I think they were Canadian, Five for Fighting Hockey. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. You'd know it if you heard it. It was huge, like early 2000s. Boy, a lot of bands with numbers. Three Doors Down, Ben Folds Five, Five for Fighting, then you got

10,000 Maniacs. Third Eye Blind. Third Eye Blind. Yeah, I'll take that. Three Dog Night. Yeah. Blink 182, Sum 41. Oh, there you go. Two of them right there. 57 Special was an album. 50 Cent. 50 Cent. Yeah, yeah. San Francisco 49ers. 38 Special. There we go. Catch 22. That's a book. Catch 22. That's a book first. Alright, alright. By Joseph Stalin or something like that. Stalin, he's good. Quit Stalin. Hey, hey folks. Tuesday Stories is brought to you by BetterHelp. Oh yeah, we love the BetterHelp. Six million men in the US alone suffer from depression. If you've been feeling less excited about life lately,

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I'm wearing them right now. Joe's wearing them right now., I'm wearing them right now, Joe's wearing them right now, the wife's wearing them right now, the leader of Iran, it was wearing them, but he had a tough day. He probably shit himself, but you know, sheath kept it in. It's good like that. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code Tuesdays

to get 20% off your first order, plus sheathunderwear's 100% money back guarantee. That's Sheeththunderwear.com. Promo code 2sgays. Get Sheeththunderwear, support the show, and support your balls. Yeah, so can I tell you about Port Chester? Please. Yo, you made it.

To Port Chester. Uh-huh. Which is right above the Bronx. Westchester. Bronx. The Bronx and then the white flight of Westchester, which is a huge county by the way. It's like a whole nother city up there.

They have all these little cities inside of Westchester and one of them is Portchester. It's right on the port, it's right on the line of New York and Connecticut. Okay. Greenwich. So the old joke is all the Irish moved to Portchester because the docks and all that shit, the drinking, the wife hitting, and then Greenwich is this line,

which is all nice and boats and cute and boat shoes and waspy. Right. So me and Raj, we jump in the Tesla, high tail it up to Portchester. And I have that guilt because I miss Rochester. Right. So I'm like, I'm going to really bring the heat tonight. We got the cameras here. Hightail it up to Port Chester and I have that guilt because I miss Rochester. So I'm like, I'm going to really bring the heat tonight. We got the cameras here. We're going to go for it. Have you been to this theater? Port Chester? I don't think so. Maybe. It was one of those things where you show up and you're like, I think I've been here. You ever have that?

Yeah, oh yeah, of course. Because we do so many theaters, so many shows, so many gigs. It all just blends together. That's my problem. Too many theaters. Wow. You've opened. I've opened. There you go. That counts. When I was there, I think I opened for somebody. I think maybe I did. Maybe I did DePaulo or something like that.

It was the wallpaper. You're like, oh, yeah. Then you start thinking about your life and where does it all go and the baby and the anal and who knows what. So you get there and I had this thought. I take a piss and I'm looking in the mirror and I was like, boy, this is where I'm supposed to be. You ever have that in life? You know where you're like, what am I doing?

Who am I? Where am I going? What's the meaning? And I had this moment in a green room. You could hear the crowd in the distance. And I'm in the green room, and I'm like, this is it. I got my joke book out. I got my drink in my hand. I got my opener here.

And you're like, I'm here. And then it's split screens. Your baby's crying. Be like, da da! Yeah, it's on the sidewalk. On his back like a turtle. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, this is where I should be. He's bleeding.

Port Chester. Wife's crying. Yeah, that's where I want, but it just felt like, oh, this is right. Yeah, no, of course. We're doing great. I mean, where else would you belong? I can't imagine you, what are you going to work in an office? You'd have the tie on your head rubbing your chin going, can I fuck you or is that bad? I could work in Planned Parenthood. I could kill up some babies or cure a wart. That was the best. I love Planned Parenthood. Me too.

Me too. Shaved them right off my dick. Oh yeah. Hot chick too. Freezing warts off your dick. What a concept. Absolutely. What a country.

Great country. Hell of a cunt. So we do the gig in Port Chester. And it's just a hoot and a holler and they're wild up there because you get out of New York City, you go upstate a little bit and you forget about the pride flag and the BLM and the MLB and it's just, it's cutting up. They're getting loose. They're having a nice time up there. Real nice time and I do my little research on the town

and it's like 81% Hispanic. Wow, what are you gonna do? I'm kidding, these are jokes. These are jokes, folks, it's a comedy pod. So I come out and I go, boy, it's great to be here. Life savers were started there. Life savers? Oh, the candy. Oh, I see.

And so they got Peruvian chicken is very big there. I think they invented it or in Peru. I don't know. But I come out and I go, I'm calling ICE. And they're like, ah, they fucking go ape shit because they know the whole town is Hispanic. Right. So we're just having a great time. We make fun of Elon and Trump and all that good stuff.

Now we get off stage and I think I went especially dark because I could get a feel. Like this town, they don't hold back. They want you to go for it. And we get off stage. I got Raj there. He's an Indian fella. Yes. Dot not feather. And he's... Is that new? I think so. I think it's a Seinfeld. So we're out taking photos with the common folk and there's a lady there who works at the club. She's like a big fat old lady with glasses and frizzy hair and she's like, let me take the photos for you. She's got the headset on and the clipboard. And Raj, I apparently had like six Indian people at my show and they love seeing him. Wow. You don't hear that every day. Well, yeah, there's so few Indians in the world. They rarely get to see each other Yeah, you know, so they see Raj and the lady taking the photo goes get together say curry

All the Indians are like What the fuck their turbines fell, the magic carpet went limp. I mean, it was crazy. I was like, this is like an old white lady. Wow. It's just fun to get out of the city. That would never, if that happened to the city, they'd pull the fire alarm, they'd spray it with a taser.

Yeah, I mean, you're not gonna curry any favor with these Brooklynites. No, no. Folks. So we left it a Curry, but you know, Raj is like, what the fuck was that? Like he's not offended, but it was just crazy to see a white lady with six Indians go, Curry. That's funny stuff.

I liked it. I like this lady. One little two little three little Indian, but we had a good time. It's fun to get out of the city. Okay, now things get interesting. I hope so. Sorry. So we drive back to the city. You get to the city. Okay. Now things get interesting. So we

drive back to the city. You get to the city in 12 seconds and you go, Oh, we might as well get a drink. The baby's asleep. My wife is, uh, you know, with a black guy. So let's, uh, let's go to Williamsburg, like a couple of 20 year olds and get a cocktail. Yeah, that's where that's the heart of no curry country. What do you mean? That joke.

Williamsburg, they shoot you and throw you in the river. That's true, that's true. It's a whole different world down there. That's like the epicenter of woke. Well, he lived somewhere and I live here, so that was somehow in the middle. Okay. Cause he's driving.

So we pull over, we go to this bar, it's a beautiful night. We're outside drinking. And this large lady walks up to Raj. And she goes, you look exactly like my dad. And he was like, what? He didn't care for it. And she's like, yeah, you look like my dad. What's the problem with that?

And he's like, well, how old is your dad? How old do you think I am? You called me old, basically. And she was like, it's okay. He's my dad. And he's like, I don't care. He's old. You called me old. And he goes, how would you feel if I was like, you look like my mom? When you flip it, it's not pretty. So now they're kind of, and she's like a big Indian lady. Oh, she is Indian. She's Indian. Oh, okay. But I think she saw another Indian was like,

I'm in, another buddy. I see. Get together, say Curry. So. Steph Curry. He was like, all right, so now they're kind of beefing. So I'm like, ah, you two crazy Indians get out of here with your tikka masala, your falafel, let's hang out.

So then she sits at the table next to us outside and she goes, I got to ask, North Indian or South Indian? Now, I don't know anything about the Mecca, the Becca, the whatever, so I'm like, ah, this is like a diarrhea war going on with these two. And I'm like, oh boy, I'm staying out of it. So he goes I'm north and she goes ah I'm south now there's a big rivalry there is that right big it's a civil war with the Indians now I know they got a rivalry with Pakistan oh now the north and the south and Pakistan classic so so Classic. Sorry. Aftershock. So he's like, oh yourself, huh? Yeah, that explains it. And she's like, what's that supposed to mean? And I'm like, what the hell is going on with

these Indians? This is bad. This is like the Choctaw and the Navajo. And she goes, what's your story, white boy? White boy? Who is this broad? Yeah yeah this lady's a menace she's a menace and then I go a white boy and I got Jesus brownie and then she's like what you got it I'm like you said white boy whatever so I immediately hate this woman and then I go she goes how do you two know each other like what are you guys being friends for this is a crazy person I think at this point you guys should have picked up your stuff and moved down a table or two well I I was pissed and now I got the juices flowing. You called me white boy. You're fucking with Raj So I go yeah, he's actually my slave I take him around and he I ride on his back and I just double down classic and she goes

That's not funny and I saw red I go neither are you And you're the one who been fucking with us all night. Right. So you've been fucking with us, you call him dad, you call him old, you call him North Indian, South Indian, Cleveland Indian. Cleveland? Yeah. And so now I do one goof, and I'm the bad guy. I don't care for that. No, I don't care for it.

I mean, I do have to say though, the Raj getting all sensitive that she said you look like my dad It feels a little soft. No. Well, I wasn't the end of the world. He's like, oh, that's weird You know, he wasn't like I don't kill ya Didn't hit her like you with your wife somebody said hey, you look like my dad. I'm like, oh wow He sounds hot and keep moving right right. I think he was just like a little like who is this? I gotcha. I got you. It wasn't bad. Maybe I played it up bad. But that was just the opening to more piling on.

Right. So I do the slave joke. She does not care for that. And then she goes, you're not funny. And I go, neither are you. Well, this is what you get for going to Williamsburg, for god's sakes. I know.

You can't relax. This is what I said when you said you were moving to Brooklyn. I'm like, this is a big mistake. Well, this. Well, out here. These people don't get offended unless you use one word in particular.

But, so, she goes, when I said, you're not funny, she goes, idiot, which is classic, you know, so I go. She goes, you guys are sitting at like a cafe? She is right here, right here. And by herself? She's got a lady. Oh, wow. The other lady's like, oh fuck, what are we doing here? This is crazy, I got a lady oh the other lady's like fuck what

are we doing here this sounds awful so I just go let's pack it up stand it up yeah so we pack a stand up and get the hell out of there and that was it but yeah you're in Williamsburg for 10 seconds and you're like, I'm getting gnawed at by a kooky Bombay. I mean, I tried to tell you. Wow, that is wild. I mean, just fighting next. I mean, it's so weird to be sitting next to a person at a bar fighting. Yeah, I know. I know. And I'll tell you more about her later. I don't want her to hear this, but she was feisty Wow, I don't get the rule because it feels like with a lady

She could be feisty, but if you're feisty back, you're automatically the loser. I think asshole It's also feels like it's rare to meet feisty Indians. I feel like there's such a because Buddha is India What's the other thing? Barton's great And what's the other thing that they... Dali Lama? No, not Dali. What's that guy's name? That's Tibet. Dali Parton? No, what's that? Dali Parton's great. Mahatma Gandhi. Oh yeah, Gandhi.

He was all about peace. Yeah, so it's interesting. You don't usually get a lot of spicy meatballs in India. Yeah, yeah. They like spice. From India. But they also like diarrhea and rape. Whoa!

It's the worst radio show. You know, it's Diarrhea and Rape in the morning. Beep beep beep. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Sunday. Yes. The big meetup hookup flight together. Oh yeah. That was fun. I felt like summer camp felt like the eighties again. We and you we got a gig with Dr. Phil in Indianapolis and we meet at LaGuardia and we just cut up the whole time. Lounged it up, cut it up. And then you sat behind me. We were like Maverick and goose. Oh yeah. I bet the question I made the point we should probably switch. Maverick and Goose. Oh yeah. I made the point we should probably switch. We're going to be Maverick and Goose. But you can really sleep on a plane by the way. Both flights. You were out.

I was so jealous. Did you just take a look at me? Oh yeah. Oh no. Was I snoring? Oh, mouth open, snoring, come dripping out of the side of your mouth. Well, the first Sunday flight, I got back after having a couple drinks with the Indians. And then I got home and then the baby's like, so you know, you're like half tuned up with

a baby. I'm like dropping it and fumbling it. And then you go to bed at like six. So I got no sleep. And then I saw you and I was on that flight and I went right out like a Cosby. But it was fun. I mean, the H us in Comfort Plus, which was a little horseshit if you ask me. But but great trip out there. Then we got to that hotel, checked in and went to Bucca Le Crest.

What the hell is it called? Bucca De Pepe. Bucca De Pepe, which is we didn't realize a family style Italian restaurant. Very insensitive to people with broken homes. I suppose so. That's family style. You got no family. That's a little hurtful. So you go over there, and you're looking at the prices.

And you think you're in Indianapolis. So everything's going to be $8, $7. And a chicken parm, $65. And I was like, what the fuck is this shit? Unbelievable. I almost slapped a lady in the face the way I like to do with women. Sure.

And take that serious. And then she's like, oh, it's family style. And I was starving. So we got the chicken parm. And then I was like, bring over some bread to some cheesy bread. She brought over a loaf of cheesy bread, which we literally did not touch. Yeah. You know, we got to take Rupert there. That's the only way to get by. Well, he's got his own table. I mean, he can't go family style. That's

true. That's true. So she brought a loaf of bread. We got Caesar salads, which were just drenched in kid come. It was the way I like it. The milkiest, most delicious salad. Oh, yeah. Blue ball cheese. Chicken parm was the size of a bathtub. It was fucking nuts. And then Mark was like, I'll have a couple of bites. I don't eat like you. On the walk in, I was like, I'm not too hungry was like I'll have a couple bites I don't eat like you healthy on the walk in I was like I'm not too hungry but I'll have a bite yeah and you ate a piece and a half of chicken now I think your cheapness

supersedes your healthness that's what yes I think you're right you're like I'm not chipping in if I'm not gonna eat half of this right half I had half we killed all of it no No leftovers. I can't waste no waste. Except for that garlic bread. We threw that right in a hobo's ass. Well, I gave it to a pregnant lady. Actually, I didn't. I was like, fuck that lady. She was too fat. I don't like a fat homeless person. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a skinny chef. I don't trust it. So yeah, I was like, get out of here. I want to I want to shoeless Joe blacks and to give it to.

It's a white homeless person. You can't give food to a white homeless person. Yeah, I guess that's wrong. Quality. You give it to a black, I don't know, who knows. I didn't care for her vibes. But anyways, had a massive chicken parm, and then I felt like I had to go straight to a hotel

to shit blood for half an hour. Oh yeah, I watched. But you're brutal to be in public with in a shit, because you go into the shitter, and there's a guy in a suit, and you go, whoa, wingtips, like this guy's self-consciously shitting. I have to shit next to him, and then you point out his shoes, and then just leave.

Well, I'm taking the hate, you eat something on you. No, because he comes out and I come out, so now he thinks I'm the guy that said wingtips, and he's so self-conscious, you see his little feet turn in because he's like that's true yeah someone's talking about me they curled up like Wizard of Oz oh look at the wingtips and then I'm just doing battle shits with this guy which is also awkward then the guy next to me had flip-flops which is so awkward also the shit and sandals you just have your bare feet out at the shitter oh Oh, gross. Get a socket, cumpches. I'm not even a germ guy, but bare feet in the shitter.

But I bring my coffee in the shitter. People think that's weird. I do too. Anyways, so then we left there, walked around, went and did Dr. Phil. At the Murat Theater in Indianapolis. This is a full house, and it was Rory Scovel, Donnell Rawlings, and us couple. Yeah, that was fun as hell. Boy, the rabid fan base, they love him, and he is such a pro.

He stayed on stage for three hours, crushing from top to bottom, and went out in the crowd, fucks with people, hugs them, sings with them, comes back, does the guest, does a bit. AI Mark Norman was there, I got us free skateboard, we had a great time. Yeah, no, he's unbelievable, and I actually think he doesn't need guests. I feel like we're in the way. He just, everything he says kills,

and then I'm like, and then this, and then he's like, what, they're all like, who's this guy? Yeah, and then he goes, we'll be right back. Yeah, well, he's got his lines that he's got, he's unbelievable, I mean, he is a special talent, that guy. And he could tell he's got his lines that he's got. He's unbelievable. I mean he is a special talent that guy. And he could tell he's been doing it. I think they've done like a thousand of them by now but they go to Dubai, they go to Kuwait. I mean it's huge. But you can tell he's such a pro. He has zero discomfort. He's got the bald cap on. It's like he goes into another realm.

Yeah. You know he kicks it into gear and he's just, he's just that guy and the zero filter or inhibition. Yeah. You know, sometimes you can see a comic like, is this bad? Is that something? He's just like, I'm in. No, he's incredible. By the way, I met a Kuwaiti fan of ours yesterday. Wait a minute. He said he loves it. And he's like, I love how Mark randomly brings up Kuwait. And I was like, when the fuck does Mark bring up Kuwait? And then I guess you just did. Oh, yeah. That was for you, Fanny. There you go. I've been to Kuwait twice. There you go. Who goes twice? Well, I had a nice time. I'd left something there. I see. My virginity. Hey, left your heart in San Francisco. Yeah, we had a great time

and we both, the show ended about 10, 15. We both went back to the hotel and said, it's time for us to go to bed. We need to get to bed. We had a 6 a.m flight. Lights out, yeah. Jeremiah's like, you guys hanging? I'm like, I'm literally in my underwear with a sleep cap on. Yeah, I didn't say it, but I was doing that whole thing.

And that's always awkward when you, boop. Oh wow. I got the lady getting railed. I got Stormy Daniels on the phone, and then I see Jeremiah. You guys coming down? Then you're like, I'm in my underwear. And then I came.

Yeah, some of those texts are tough. Those jerk off. You got to go do not disturb if you're going to look at the phone while you jerk off. Because yeah, everyone's smiling. My mother will be like, honey, are you drinking milk? Or whatever. I'm like, oh god, I'm drinking cub in my dreams.

Yeah, salad. But that was fun. That'll be out in, I don't know, know three four years. I did an episode in February It's not out yet I think I don't know what went wrong there, but I think I know and then Adam was like yeah This episode will be out in three weeks. I'm like alright, then oh Yeah, that one's getting scrapped fatty. I think I hate to tell you well. I hope not because did you do well? I had a great time. All right.

Yeah, it was fun. But the you know, not everyone was happy with their sets or whatever. Tell them to send you the raw foot. I love a raw foot. I have a raw foot. I just gave the dermatologist. My ward is rocking and rolling. Well, yeah, I was about to say something. Keep an eye out for that, Dr. Phil. It was a humdinger, and it's fun being us together in a, out of our natural habitat. Yeah. What the fuck was I about to say? We flew back.

We were to row with Rory. Oh, Rory. Oh, Rory, I think, is gonna be in Burlington for my weekends. He might be a special guest at the Vermont Comedy Club. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we can't do better than Rory. He's a humdinger, hell of a guy, great egg, good egg. Jesus Christ, he is funny. So funny.

July 17th to the 19th. Are we at the hour-ish mark? Cause I wanna plug some stuff here. You got a couple minutes. Oh, okay. It was fun watching, I got to watch you backstage watch Rory and laugh. Oh yeah.

It's fun watching you laugh at a guy. Well, Adam Ray is like similar to Rory, where he's like this brilliant improviser and character. I mean, they had some great lines, great lines where he was like, I can't stay in a hotel. My family gets in the way. I can't jerk off with my family there. And Adam's like, well, not with that attitude. You can't. And then and then and then of course, Rory, yes, and he's like, turn around, you turn around, face the wall. I'm trying to do something. And he goes, taller one, get over here. And I'm like, that's hilarious. He wants to jerk off to his taller, he's just great. And what a special

talent. You don't get to see that often. That's what's fun about this Dr. Phil business is now we're hanging with Rory who I see once every four years. Yeah and he's in show business. We do our little bullshit here with the couch and the fat guy but he's like so when I was with Steve Carell the other night we were talking about Gaza and you're like wow you're hanging out with Carell. Yeah Rory and Steve Carell two of the most brilliant comedic minds of all time and I gotta hear that show but by the way another person talking about how Steve Carell is the nicest man in the history of people.

Oh, you hear that? That's all I've ever heard, yeah. It's supposed to be the greatest guy ever. And like a genius with script memorization, I heard. He just has the script immediately, so that's why he's so loose. I love that. Jason Alexander was like that, too.

That's right. These guys can just have it. They gave him the old man sending soup back, titleist. They gave him that like 10 seconds before, and he just went, got it. Yeah. I got to read a thing 750 times in a row, and it's only my fourth take that I kind of have it.

My wedding vows, I was like, I got it. And I had to riff. I was like, oh, praise be to all Major League baseball, to kingdom come. It was all just, I winged it what a wedding wingtip I can't wait for your next wedding yeah that's gonna be a good time that'll be fun he'll be a lucky guy oh that's insensitive well well gaze I know oh god I got a crick in my neck or shoulder. I did something. It's like someone's pulling on wires back here. So somebody told me, don't go to a Cairo. They're all crooks. They're quack repactors. I got to tell you, I went to one and he cured me sideways. Well, I think it's all mental.

I think whatever you believe, it's like those sugar pills. You know what I mean? Sebo. This is what's funny about this. I the ice bath thing is coming out to be complete horse shit. Come on. It's always been horse shit. Come on. I just bought one. It was no ever a science. Oh, you get the hot tub, don't you?

It's cooking right now. Come on. Let's go hot tub together. All right. We'll bring the baby. Well, you got the other podcast. So Chuck and I will hot tub together't you? It's cooking right now! Come on let's go hot tub together! All right! We'll bring the baby. He is good. Well you got the other podcast so Chuck and I will hot tub together with your wife. You guys hot tub. Can't wait to see Chuck shirtless. We'll get in there. Actually Chuck you got some business. Me and May will hold it down up there. We'll go hot tub it together. Sounds about right. We'll call Becca. We'll see what happens. Whoa my god don't say the b word. I got a heart on. Sorry. Facing Becca. People keep messaging commenting like he knew she was there. Oh god. I'm like I don't say the B word. I got a heart on. Sorry, I'm facing back at... Um, I feel like people keep messaging, commenting like, he knew she was there.

Oh, God. I'm like, I don't know what to tell you. That's just her, by the way. Um, but what was I saying? I know the ice bath is bullshit. And people were like commenting on the thing. They're like, I feel better. And I wanted to comment. I'm like, well, that's the same.

If you go in, go in the ice bath is going to make me feel better, you will feel better. I agree. That's why placebo works. But it is a freezing cold vat of water that shocks the system. Whether you, whether it's curing cancer or making your dick bigger, it's still changing you. Well it shocks the system, but the study is the blood flow, it's actually bad for muscle recovery after a workout.

Oh, okay. It's actually not good for recovery. But it's still good if you feel good. Whatever feels good is good for you. That's why I hit. But yeah, it's all nonsense. By the way, you've been able to Google that for years. They're like, yeah, we don't have any evidence that this is something that lasts longer in your life.

Well, the problem is everything's coming out as wacky like the four food groups or the food pyramid that was a pyramid scheme you know they're like actually bread is horrible for you and eggs are gay and your father's fat you know so milk was like you got to have eight glasses of milk every week you know and you're like what the hell and now that's all been debunked. Right everything's bunked and debunked But everything now all of social media is like here's the five things you have to do Yes, you want to be a hundred and eighty and then there's guys that are longevity experts, but they're like 43 So I'm like what the fuck do you know about longevity? That is that quack who likes to live forever, but he's super annoying and you want to go

How come you're living forever? Why can't it be a norm mcdonald i'd like to live forever actually maybe not i don't know no that's no good that's a lot of podcasts well i think gay eye is gonna fuck us all in the ass in the next six months so yeah yeah yeah um so ari yeah ari popped over i didn't realize what an ordeal this was ari's like can i bring the hot tub over i'm like yeah sure i'm holding the baby in one hand and uh and uh you know jerking off in the other. And then Ari shows up and he's like, I need your help. We pull this giant tube of jizz out of his back seat. Then we got to get the generator.

Then you got the wires and you get to get the chlorine. Then you got to get the cover. It was all, it took like six hours to set the whole thing up. So where is it? It's in the backyard right now. That thing is heated. I checked it last night. It was at 80. So tonight it's got to be a hundo. This is wild. All right. So I got to come over, smoke a

cigar, smoke your cocks, sit in the hot tub. This is you. Every big game, every fight. Yes. Yes. We'll have a cigar, some drinks. We'll put music on out there. We'll get Ben Folds nine. We'll really do it up. Now, speaking of the fight and the hot tub and Ari, how about this? I get this text Friday. Hey, you want to go to the UFC fight in Newark tomorrow night? Sugar Sean, who I know from doing kill Tony love sugar. Sean is like VIP Joe Rogan seats behind Trump. You think you died, went to heaven. And I'm off, I got the night off. I love sports, I love events, I love Trump. I go, oh my God.

You gotta love sports. I go, what time's it start? He goes, 10 PM. And I go, I'll be in bed, thanks anyways. Isn't that crazy? This is like how life turns and flips and smacks upside down. And all I can think is, I got a 10 o'clock. What

are you nuts? Well, the sad thing is if that was in Cleveland, you would have gone, I'll charter the jet. Give me the 38th. I'll be there. I would have gone, Oh my God. Are you kidding? Sure. Yeah. But 10 PM is a bit late and you're in another state. Newark. Newark, Jerry. I mean, I'm going to leave Newark at 1 a.m. I'm going to meet Trump. Then I got to do the photo and I'm like thumbs up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's no good. All the Brooklyn cops going to hate you. But oh, they've hated me a long time. That's true.

But yeah, it's it's and then getting out of there. Forget about getting in, getting out of there. That's it's a swarm of meatheads and affliction t-shirts. And you're just trying to get back to your your Honda. But just what a development in life that it's yeah row to VIP and Ari was in the bathroom with Trump wow I'm like nah it's too late man you could have seen the leader of the free world and Trump of a Rogan's there by Elan's there the other Buddha judge all those guys well this is the day after the Trump-Elon breakup, so.

I think they made up, you see that? Oh, I heard that, but. Jada Pinkett must be involved in this somehow. That's my theory. What do you mean? Well, anytime she gets involved in a relationship, then the topsy-turvy. Is there anything funnier than a guy spending

$750 million to get someone elected, then they get in a fight and be like, he's raping kids. Right, right. And you're like, wow, that really makes you look not so great. $750 million to get someone elected then they get in a fight and be like he's raping kids right he's like He'll really Makes you look not so great really escalated. Yeah, what can you do? Anyways? We got to wrap up I do want to plug these New England dates because I am in Burlington, Vermont July 17th of the 19th and Rory might be popping in but either way July 9th and 10th Portland, Maine we added a added a show. July 11th and 12th, Portsmouth, New Hampshire. We added a show

there and then Northampton, Massachusetts on the 26th, I think it is. And small ball is climbing the charts. This thing is off the, off the, off the charts, out of the charts, out of the ballpark whatever the fuck you say what are we at here let me see we're at three at the time of recording yep we're at about I don't know my phone doesn't work there's no reception down here the toilet doesn't flush this house is a piece of junk goodbye 290 thousand call me back 290 thousand views in three days so thank you to all the Tuesdays.

The comments make me cry. So many of you said, it's so easy to forget how kind and thoughtful and beautiful so many people are because so many fucking jackasses complain about everything. Cunts. So we really appreciate it. I'm touched.

I really. Touched Jerry. It's doing so much better than I anticipated than I wanted. Also punch up. Add about 2000 emails on on there so thank you guys for all doing that please sign up for the email that's the best way to find out when we're coming and Denver September 9th through the 11th I think or it's 11 through the 13th I think yeah 9 11 9 13 I forgot to get it yeah anyways what do you got I'll

be I was this come out? Sorry. 23rd. Sorry. I'm an idiot. Okay. Oh, we got a Grove. Oh!

Don't forget to pitch the Grove. It's already passed, I think. It was a great show. We had a great time. That was awesome. Thanks for buying the tickets. Ticket prices were perfect. Yes, yes.

Perfect. I'll be in Eugene, Oregon at the McDonald Theater. Got to go way across the country. Then we're at the San Jose Performing Arts Center. Haven't been back to old Jose in a while. Then we're at the Melody Tent in Cape Cod. And tickets are really, really tough. We'd love to get you out to Cape Cod, folks. The Melody Tent, legendary venue.

Let's do a tent. We're homeless. Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut. Ben Salem at the Parks Casino. Doing these casinos, a little do a tent. We're like homeless. Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, Ben Salem at the Park's Casino. Doing these casinos, a little money grab there. Then we're off to Australia. Ho, good day mate. And New Zealand. So come on by, we added shows in Adelaide, Melbourne, and Sydney. So the Australian folk are thirsty for some yucks. Then we're off to Calgary for the great American outdoors, whatever, actually it's Canadian,

Las Vegas, Dallas, Dayton, Ohio, Akron, Ohio, and San Diego, D.C., and Boulder, Colorado, and Huntsville, Alabama. What do you got, Choo-Choo Train? Check out my podcast, Funable fun bearable pod calm I do with Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr follow us at fun bearable pod on all social medias. It's a lot of fun It's very stupid and enjoy it get on the patreon to patrons always cooking all the old stuff all the live stuff all the big guests I love you, Gabby.