Tuesdays with Stories! - #612 Live at Grove 34!

Episode Date: July 8, 2025

Joseph and Markus are BACK with a new live episode! And we listened to everyone's feedback - this one is JUST Mark and Joe, with an extra long episode in an intimate setting. Check out the drive to Grove, the backstage antics, and some riffs from the boys separately before the show at patreon.com. It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and sign up for your $1 per month Shopify trial at https://www.shopify.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 15% off Raycon’s Everyday Earbuds. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm born to say... Okay, let's wrap this puppy up with a bow. We got a goddamn pod to do. Um... Huh?

Did you not know about the podcast? to do. Huh? Did you not know about the podcast? Well, you're in for a long hour, sir. All right, well, yeah, let's do it. Let's bring up Joe. Are you guys ready? Come on, let's do it. And this is Tuesdays with Stories.

That's your side. Oh, can you hand me that agua there, the half drink? Coming at ya. Oh, man. Nice. Have you seen the videos on Instagram of dads catching babies? No. Oh.

I'd like to get on there. Oh, you gotta see it. You gotta see it. It's basically kids like falling off a couch and the dad's like. And people just happen to be videotaping? Yeah, every guy's got a camera rolling now. I guess so.

But it's like kids falling down the stairs, he grabs the shirt, you know, it's a great, it's a heartwarming. Like Untouchables. Huh? Remember the Untouchables? The movie? Yeah, no, the fucking,

the 4chan, I don't know. I can't think of anything. It's like it's going down the baby carriage is going down yeah you gotta see a slides and Garcia Chico right wait the marks brother huh never mind it's a Latino team right Ch Chico. The boys? Oh okay. Anyway so Andy Garcia, he slides and he catches the stroller and then he has the baby and then he has the gun and he shoots the guy. Oh yeah! Is that me? Whoa! Wait a minute. You look like if we fucked. Holy shit. Can we get a shot? Because otherwise the people won't be able to see it. You can't do visual bags. Yeah.

Wow! They got the fluffy hair, the glasses, yeah, this is us. Now are you guys brother and sister by the way? Married. You're married. You look so similar. What is this, Louisiana? You guys have the same eyes. They say married people after a while look alike.

And they're pets. Have you heard that? You look like your pet after a while? No, you don't look like your pet. The pet takes on the... What do you call it? The disposition of the person. Which I find to be very true. What? So I got a dog jerking off on the couch? No, but your cat is very...

Homophobic. Yeah. No, he's joking. He's joking. I love the gays. That's the name of our fans, by the way. The gays. The gays. Absolutely. Any gay guys here? I imagine so. Wow. Sir, tell your wife now. Get it over with. Let it out. Do you see what I mean, though? You guys have the same eye structure. Yeah, I can see it. Yeah, you guys are very pretty. Very pretty, yeah.

You both look like mannequins. It's strange. In a good way. Mannequins are hot. I think we've all been in the store and seen a pretty hot male mannequin. Male man. Is it male mannequin. Male man. He said male mannequin.

Yeah. Oh, male man. A plastic thing wearing male gear. But anyways, the point is, pets. You guys heard dogs, specifically. Maybe not pets. Dogs take on their owners. Oh, I believe that.

Yeah, like I know a guy with a dog that's very depressed, and he's depressed if you, I know a guy with a dog that's very depressed and he's depressed, and I also know a woman with a dog that's like, argh! And it's, that's... Right. Better than the other way. You don't want to take on your dog and you're just going up and sniffing clam. I would love to sniff clam. Wow, you know, you come over and you sniff my ass, you're like, hey, good to see you.

Right. You know? come over you sniff my ass you're like hey good to see you right you know you know they say the dog ass sniff they get like a whole dossier of of information from the sniffing it's like a thumbprint in a sci-fi movie yeah boy 1975 you know jerks off to kid porn yeah it's for the Cubs it's basically like a like a like a tinder profile uh-huh well those oh Those are a lot of lies, so maybe we'll go with thumbprint. Oh boy, I am shitting my pants about AI. I can't stop reading and looking at it. Have you seen this AI 2027?

Did you guys read it? You guys have glasses. You must have read it. It's horrifying. It's coming for us. It's going to blow all of us. I know. Well, that'll be cool.

But yeah, it's going to take some jobs, and all this is going to go away. You won't have to come see us, because you can just go AI, couch, Grove 34, Tuesdays, give me a pod, and something will pop up. As long as we get the money for that, I'm cool. Stay home with the baby. That's not bad.

Well, actually, it's pretty bad. Well, ABBA does a thing where they play a hologram, and people pay tickets, and they get the money. So they'll play it in Cleveland, and then you get the money for it. Well, that's Howie Mandel has that company. You see it at the airport. He has that cube where you can stand there and talk,

and then it's broadcasted out. It's like a hologram. So you could hologram at a work event and zing the workers, because you can see them with a camera on them. They have a hologram. We have a hologram. So you guys would be here.

And then we could be, I mean, in the future, we could not even be here. You wouldn't even know. This is just a hologram of us. But I'm here. Kiss me on the lips, somebody. I'll prove it. No, because you're the hologram too.

It's gotta be an attractive woman. Damn it, I've been waiting for that invite for 30 years. Well I said I wanted you to be the guy I blow, but you poo-pooed. What? I didn't shit myself. You were like, no, blow Sam. And then we talked about how that wouldn't be so fun.

No, he's a tough crowd. He'd be like this the whole time. That's good. Yeah and he'd be like can I run a bit on you while you're blowing me? He's like what if you blew me like this? Yeah that's true. I think we needed a stage. We should put the couch on the stage. I understand the stage is only a foot and a half long but I feel like half the crowd can't see us right now. Oh really? Yeah, we're low. Maybe we'll go up on the LA top. Yeah, the LA top is good. Alright, there we go. Yes, we started from the bottom, now we're here. I knew an LA top. Oh yeah. It fucked me in the ass in West Hollywood. This is good I think. This is better and we got a back too. I hate being up here. I usually get no back support. Right but now you guys have to see my dick and balls. Nobody's complaining

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BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Unwind from work with BetterHelp. Tuesdays of stories, listeners get 10% off their first month. Hey, betterhelp.com slash Tuesdays. That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p dot com slash Tuesdays. I got some stories, because they always complain when we do the live episodes that we're just fucking around, but I have some things.

Please. You brought some stuff, right? Eh. Okay. Oh, how about this? So this is fun. So today, a couple things. I'm shitting on a schedule now.

Really? No, I shit freewheeling. So today, a couple things. I'm shitting on a schedule now. Do you have that? No, I shit freewheeling. Chico Bean over here. Was that you? Oh, that was this guy. That's why he's got the phone on his back. That's Chris. He's got four cameras in here, which I don't even

think is legal. He's just bootlegging this. Oh, yeah. What are you, Asian on tour? What are you doing? OK. Do you have an OnlyFans? All right, cool. My wallet's gone. Oh, it's the back. That tearing sound. I shit on, how old are you? You're 36. Oh, this guy's 19. He just ruined his life.

I'm good at guessing ages. What are you, 28? 32. 32? Oh, okay. You're bald? That's not, wasn't that far off? Well anyways, all that matters is you shit on a regular schedule, right?

Fuck, who's old? You're old? Yeah, yeah, you shit every day at 10.05 a.m. or something like that. You wake up, you have a coffee, you shit. Well, I call it my morning python because it's a huge dick. It's like my morning jacket, but better.

Got it, got it. It's my shits. Both are shitty. They're full, I love my morning jacket. They're both full long, not both, I don't know why I said both. We were both saying both. But my shits are just huge.

So I call them a python and then it happens in the morning. I like it. Every once in a while I'll get an evening Python. I would go Anaconda. That's a lot of syllables. That's true, but they're black. I like Python. I like Python. Python sounds cooler. Python. Yeah, yeah. Like Hulk Hogan had 24 inch Python. Yes. I never understood what that meant. I didn't either. That's the only time you ever hear arms referred to as pythons. Well, maybe he was trying to mix it up.

Because a lot of guns, my guns. He's going, my guns. That was a poem, my guns, my guns. My guns. But anyways, so I had this morning, I had my morning python ready. Because I wake up, I go out, me and the baby, we get breakfast, we split it. I have my, I go out, me and the baby, we get breakfast, we split

it, I have my tea. You split breakfast? Yeah. Well, not the money. Oh, oh, oh. The calories. But the check, check. My check, my check. I'm like, cough it up, you piece of shit. Yeah.

All right. So we have, I have egg and cheese and some hash browns and I have a big caffeinated beverage and then I start to percolate Yes, yes, so I go to the gym equinox shout out Or whatever gym And I got I go to shit so today I go to shit there's three stalls stall number one is occupied a game show Stall number one is occupied. It's like a game show.

Yes. Stall number two is open. Now, stall number three, which is my normal stall, has a man, a plumber, underneath it, like his feet are out. Like this is the end of the stage. Like you just see legs sticking out. Wow. He's under the toilet.

Oh, OK, OK. And so I have to go and ship, but my python is ready for birth. So you got an open middle though. Right, but next to it, literally, this guy, I can see his kneecaps, he's under the toilet laying on his back. Wow. Here. And I'm about to shit like a shit.

Not like a boop, but like a fucking log, a python. And you're about four inches, five inches from his head. Well, Saracen, I basically just shit in a man's mouth. Like I could see literally like his elbow was out here and his toes were wiggling. He was working. And so I just put headphones in because I'm like, I don't want to hear my own scoops and plops.

What? That's the best part. Well, normally that's the best part, but not when it's on a working man's face. But just because you can't hear it, he can hear it. I know, but I'm saying I don't want to know how bad it is. It's like when you, um... Why don't you pinch and push?

You know about the pinch and push? I don't know about the pinch and push. They're a radio team. Pinch and push of the morning. But no, you just, you, uh, you push it out easy, big fella, and then it kinda soft serves its way down, and now it doesn't have that big splash. Either way though, I'm taking a dump next to a man's forehead.

I'm hard. And then I was thinking about, I think I would rather be the plumber. I know not everyone's on, I'd rather be the guy smelling the shit than the guy shitting in a guy's face. No. That's crazy.

I just feel bad. Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean. That was a much deeper voice than any of us thought was coming. And that was so matter of fact. You didn't have to think about that at all. I was like Barry White. Yeah. Wow, jeez. But anyway, I mean, you see what I mean? I do, I do. I don't want to shit in the guys face.

You know what's weird is Mario and Luigi were plumbers. They never talked about this part. I don't think they talked at all, did they? They were like, bluh-duh-duh, that's something. That might be the sound effect of the jump. But yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. We never heard about plumbing. Well, they did go down a pipe. It's all pipes. Yeah.

Yeah, it's all pipes. The only people who say that is us and crackheads. But yeah, maybe Hunter Biden. But yeah, yeah, that's true. They never really got into the plumbing. Well, anyways, I felt horrible, and I had to shit next to a guy. And then when I finished,

my python had been released to the wild, I was leaving, and that point he was up on his knees, and I had to like skitter by, because I didn't want him to make eye contact with a man who just shit next to his face. Was he on his knees facing the toilet, because he might have been yakking from all the fucking pythons you're dropping.

That's a good point. He was facing the toilet. But I think he was back from all the fucking pythons you're dropping. That's a good point. He was facing the toilet. I think he was back doing some stuff. I did plumbing work. I don't know if you guys knew this. I didn't know that. Yeah.

Well, I told you a few hundred times. My uncles are plumbers and I did some work with them. Really? But I was just the hand of the thing. Give me five eighths. There you go. You know your eighths? It says it on the thing.

I see. I see. I know this one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight of eight is that's two because it's a whole. Oh boy. I'm going over my head here. That's one. Whatever. It doesn't matter. But they always say hot on the left, cold on the right, shit flows downhill. Don't bite your nails. Those are the rules of plumbing. I like that. Hot on the the left cold on the road on the right shit flows downhill so if it explodes you got to go uphill a lot of this I knew already I don't know

if that's that helpful well that's what I'm saying they just say that hey don't forget okay I like that yeah I like when a job has a limerick that describes the whole job. Yeah. You know, like cops should be your guns on your hip. Don't shoot that guy too early and don't drink and drive or whatever. Oh, they drink and drive. Yeah, that's true. I used to, I probably tell this before, I used to work at a cop bar when I was a teenager. Yeah. And they were like, hey, don't forget your shift drink. You gotta have a drink. And I was like, oh, I'm only 19. And they were like, hey, don't forget your shift drink. You gotta have a drink. And I was like, oh, I'm only 19. They were like, oh, that's fine. And then I was like, well, but I'm driving. And they were like, what towns are you driving through? And I was like, Stoughton, Brockton, and Whitman. They were like, you're good. We got you. And

it was my first real window into like, oh, this is, this is a little corrupt. Sure. Sure. I was just a teenager, but I was like, oh great. I got to stay friends with these guys. Oh yeah. Yeah, they're just guys. They're just like meathead guys who passed the test. Yeah.

And got a gun. So I love them. And by the way, I got a police story too. Oh. So this is very white privilege. Sorry to anyone that's. We're in the clear. I think we're all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're good.

We're okay. Yeah. Alright. Turns out... I don't have to apologize at all. Blue lives matter, right? Alright. There's some stuff in the back going on. I can't tell. Some ambiguous things happening.

Yeah, that guy's got a dark hair and a mustache. I don't know. Now we sound like ICE. We're like, hold on, what's up with that guy? All right. ICE is out now. I think Trump, because they called Trump and they were like, I got a hotel business, you're fucking up. And he was like, okay, all right, we'll get rid of ICE. Really? Well, he's got a hotel.

He's probably got a couple of legals in there. I think they brought the paperwork and they were like, buddy, we just lost half our workforce. And he was like, you know what? Forget the... Water under the bridge. There you go. But anyway so I'm driving my friend Erica aforementioned for the people at home they didn't hear at the beginning. A lot of time with his Erica. Well it's my friend's wife it's not uh don't start this now, I already got a fucking whole Reddit thread and whatever. I gotta stop writing those. But anyways, this is my friend's wife.

It's not nothing nefarious, it's my best friend's wife that I spend all my time with. Yeah. No one's ever fucked their friend's wife. What's the beef there? Nobody's ever fucked his buddy's wife before. By the way, when do you leave town again? What's the beef there? Nobody's ever fucked his buddy's wife before. Nah. By the way, when do you leave town again? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'll see you in two days. I'll bring an ice pack. It is fun when I shit and have a bone. I got double python. Yeah, that's true. I have a huge penis. I don't know if you guys are aware of that.

The fact that I didn't get a laugh makes me feel good. Oh yeah, yeah. I thought, oh this might get a laugh, and everyone was like, no, we can see that. You're tall and lanky. I think those are the biggest hogs. Well I had I told you I had my old roommate in Astoria, Senya, who lives in Greece now, she said she could tell a big penis by nose and thumbs. Wow. So she's into Israelis. Yeah. Wait. I would say you have a big nose. No. I don't think I have big thumbs either. But sometimes what I did after she said that, I started tucking my hand in here so it looks

like it's all thumbs. Oh yeah. It looks like it's like an eight inch thumb. Sure, I'm going to get a prosthetic nose. You should, just get a prosthetic dick and spread the word. Oh yeah, cut the middle man. Good point. But anyway, yeah, she was, I should have said her name, maybe, but I think she'd say this out loud.

She was really into Ari, or not into Ari, but she thought Ari would have a large penis. He does. And he does. Yeah, yeah. And then Sam Baril she was really into also. I don't know about his hog. I don't either.

I'll ask him. Should have been text. Let me call him. He's not going to answer. That's true. If he does answer, he'll be like, what do you got? Thinking you're He's not going to answer. That's true. If he does answer, he'll be like, what do you got? Thinking you're going to bounce bits. Right, that's true.

This is some inside baseball, I guess. Anyways, we got pulled over. By who? By who? For what? Oh. I forgot. I mean, I meant by what?

I forgot what the beginning was. Well, it was Eric. And then you accused me of having an affair with my friend's wife. Oh, you can get pulled over for that? I imagine. If she's blowing you in the car, which she wasn't. Anyways, I was eating her out in the car ride.

It was really something. OK. So we get pulled over. We're in good car. Baby's sitting behind me. He's sleeping. Sarah's over here. Eric is over here.

And I'm in the passenger seat. I'm navigating. Sarah's over here. Eric is over here and I'm in the passenger seat. I'm navigating. Yeah. She speeds. I bust your balls for it all the time. We get pulled over out of nowhere. This is in gig Harbor, Washington. And the guy comes up and right away he comes in. He didn't do the thing where he makes you sweat it out, you know, and she has a cracked windshield by the way. Yikes. She's freaking out. I'm like, don't worry. It'll be okay. Put the hazards on, turn the car off. 12 and two. I'm a big rule following kind of guy. So I go, it's going to be fine. Don't worry it'll be okay put the hazards on turn the car off 12 and 2 I'm a big rule-following kind of guy hmm so I go it's gonna be fine don't worry I'll do the talking and I have a PBA card also hey me too all right

nobody knows what that is do you know what that is it's the police. Stay in your lane. Sorry. All right, all right. Elaine Dennis. My mind's in the gutter. There you go. Strike! Yeah, all right, you pinhead. Finish the story.

Okay. Hey! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Boy, it really changed it in this actual women's audience. Yeah. I feel terrible. This is horrifying with the lady here.

You brought your wife. It's terrible. I know you're not a fan of audience. Yeah. I feel terrible. This is horrifying with the lady here. You brought your wife. It's terrible. I know you're not a fan of ours. Sorry. You're not. You are. This is really awful.

I'm so sorry. Wow, you guys couldn't be more mismatched. We got this guy's on the softball team, and you look like a princess of some kind. You guys have come before, right? Yeah. Prove it. You didn't like me then either, I feel like.

Oh, I think, didn't I do the old gag where I said you were with a different woman last time? Yeah, yeah, that was a good bit. Oh, yeah. Is this the same woman? Okay, okay. Oh, man. I feel like you've never enjoyed the show.

You don't like the farting. Can he fart at the house or is that grounds for divorce? We didn't hear about it, you heard it. I didn't say like, oh, that was a squeaky weird one. You just heard it. I won't fart again. I might. Yeah. He 100% will fart now that it's clear. Now I want to get a, want to brew it's clear that he doesn't like it.

I want to get a brewing, but I can't make it happen. So you could be in luck there, princess. We did get a story of Taco Factory backstage. Oh, yeah. So a shit is more likely. Yeah. A fart. But a fart precedes the shit.

First the Python, but after the Python. Not always. Sometimes you'd think it's a fart, but it's a boom boom. I suppose so. I don't always fart before shit. There's not always a dawn before the storm. Is that a thing? Oh yeah, dawn before the storm. Yeah. Sounds like a novel by Danielle Steel. Is she alive? Steel? Danielle Steel, remember? I think she was made up.

I think it's a... Pen name. Yeah. There's another word I was thinking of for that. Pseudonym? Pseudonym. Pseudonym. That's what you take when you have a sinus infection.

Right, right. Pseudonym. Boy, we really crashed and burned here. There is another word for a pen name. I think it's a pen name. I think it's a pen name. I think it's a pen name. I think it's a pen name. I think it's a pen name. I think you have a sinus infection. Right, right. Pseudonym. Boy, we really crashed and burned here. There is another word for a pen name. Call in if you know.

Not alias is not bad. That was a good show with Jennifer Garner. Hold on. What was that name? Give that a gook, somebody. This is the smart set. We have four guys twiddling beards with glasses, so this is who you want to talk to. Or they're villains.

Who knows? OK. Pseudonym, alias? Pen name. No, that's a movie with Nicolas Cage. Namdaplume. Namdaplume? Whoever said that should not be a fan of this show.

Get out of here. All right. Did somebody have it over here? What is it? Maybe it's, maybe I'm wrong. So we get pulled over, is the point, and woo-hoo! We get pulled over, she's freaking out, the cop comes up, he's a hot number, and right away I'm like, handcuff me and fuck my wife in front of me.

Please. Which is all I want imagine that that nightstick whoo sorry sorry I got into the fantasy now just a regular fuck but I'm cuffed and I'm like classy Yeah that's hot. So anyways he's hot and then he says you know why I pulled you over she said no man I don't. She's shaking and he goes going 41 in a 25. Whoa. Which 25 is horseshit. It's like a main road. Crazy low. 25 is stupid. Yeah that's a school zone. Yeah this is not a. This is just a regular whatever. I mean, 30 is the speed limit here.

Or is it 35? 30. I think they lowered it. It is 25? But this is a tight street out here. This is Queens. Yeah. Well, anyways, she was going 41 to 25, and he goes, why are you going so fast?

You in a hurry? And she goes, no, I just have a lead foot. And he goes, wow. Doesn't this feel like the whitest thing ever, to be like, why are you speeding? I like to. That's basically what she said. Right, right.

And he was stunned. He was like, wow. He like laughed. I'm like, oh wow, OK. But I think it helped, because I think normally people are like, well, my father's gay. The pedal's broken. They don't like that.

Yeah, I didn't know. She just went, yeah, I drive fast. And then I, because he kind of went, what? I leaned in and I went, I'm always busting her balls about it, sir. And I went, in fact, today I was busting her balls. And he's like, oh my god, OK. And then he goes, where are you headed?

And she goes, we're just driving around. And he's like, you're just driving around? Driving around? Well, she goes, and it's true because the baby was sleeping. She's like the baby's napping and then Sarah from the back goes he likes it fast. Whoa. And then the guy goes come on, all right get out of here.

Whoa. And he gave us the license and he said go. Wow what is this a clown car? He does his zingin' and zangin'. We all had a line and they all hit. Wow. And then he just left and we gave the white power and he was

there you go. Unbelievable. It's so good being white. Yeah but I think because we were honest and zingy. Yes. Zingy is fun. Comedy goes a long way. It does. I said that that was the last thing I said to my ex-girlfriend's best friend before I went and visited her in Peru. What do you mean? She was like, her friend, we were hanging out and I was like, I think we're getting back together, I got the invite and she was like, you're not getting back together. I talked to her, she's excited to see you, you won't be getting back together.

Wow! Who's this negative Nancy? Yeah, well Colleen is her name. What a man, what a coos. Well I'm an idiot though because- Or she's a fortune teller because she was completely right. No she wasn't even a fortune teller, she was being told by the source. Oh shit.

But I'm such an idiot, and I said to her, this is so embarrassing, I was like, never underestimate the power of laughter. And she's like, okay, well go down and do your bits, but you're not getting laid. Oh man, that's tough. So you're in front of your ex, and you're like, ah, the dolphins. Well, I mean, I didn't have that bit then. It's a callback.

Everyone at home is like, what the hell is he talking about? Oh, shit, sorry, I forgot. The dolphins? Oh, yeah, shit, sorry. That's okay. But anyways. Tell me a bit about the dolphins shit. Sorry. I was like she's dying laughing on the floor pissing her pants. I'm the funniest guy she ever met and then I was like all right so we'll just fuck now and then she was like no ouch and then she's like I told Colleen to tell you she didn't tell did. She had inside information. Sorry, but hey, you won her over in Cleveland.

You got that straight. Well also, I think I also didn't know how to make moves. That was the problem. I always, my whole life, including my wife, when we first hooked up and now, I'm still just like, would you like to have sex with me, please? Well, moves are so silly. They're so cheesy.

Well, and you just don't... Not getting it sucks. If you're going for a kiss and they're like, are you fucking insane? That's hilarious. It's the worst thing in the world. Yeah, I've had that. So I'd rather just be like, may we have sex, please? Yeah. And then the whole me too thing, which was great. But that also fucked us even more,

because now you can't even touch an inner thigh without feeling like, am I going to get shot in the face? Right. I hate to sound like those guys, but there is some truth. There's something there. Yeah, yeah. I remember being in my early 20s going to bars and girls would go, bah!

They would just laugh at your face. And you're like, ah, jeez. Right. So then you have to hit them. It's very scary. No, no, no, I'm kidding. It's very scary. Now, when you guys first met or hooked up,

did he grab you by the head and smooch you? Or did he say, like, would you like we have the same eyes? Would you like to be friends? It was more like that, right? Same eyes. Oh, weird. Am I crazy? Do they not look fucking identical?

I'm like blown away by this. Well, they both look like they have an Instagram filter on them. Yeah. That's true. They look too clean. Swiped one time. Yeah. There's no blemishes.

Maybe it's the lighting. Yeah. You guys both look AI generated. That's what I'm saying. In a good way. Extremely attracted to both of you. Yes. Well, you've got great arms and yeah.

So you know. What about you guys? Did you say, get over here, bitch, and smoocher? Or was it like, oh? Hey, good for you good for you that's what I always wanted I wanted the woman and even by the way I would do a show and a woman would come up and be like that was fucking great we should hang out I want to take you home and put you in my pocket and blow you and I'm

like this okay thank you and then I left because I felt like she's kidding yeah right now I know what you mean put like, ah, she's kidding. Yeah. Right. No, I know what you mean. Put you in your pocket. That's a weird sexual offer. A woman really did say that. Oh, really? Was she a giant?

No. No, just, I don't know. I hate myself. All right. Well, I have the story. I told you. And this was a comedian. She said, I do it on stage.

She said, I want to make you breakfast sometime. And I said, I'm not a big breakfast guy. Wow. That's an actual true story. I wish that it wasn't. I was like, ah, I don't really like breakfast. Wow. She was like, oh, OK.

I was like, yeah. Damn, that's bad. I inadvertently hurt a lot of women's feelings by having no confidence. Wow. I was just like, ah, you don't want to. Come on. And then some rando on a playground,

you're like, let's do this. Yeah. That's a little inside. A dumb woman. You've lost out on a huge detail. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, I did not fuck a child. Not yet.

It's also tough for the lady, because you like the guy to get a little, hey, come here, you fat whore, and really get in there. But that's only if you like the guy. You want the aggressive, you know, take charge guy, but only if you're actually already into him. So you kind of have to guess if she is into you and then grab her by the ankles. I really think women should say,

I want you to insert your dick into me tonight. Please. That would be great. And then pull back. Say, that's what I want. But now, OK. Now you've got to earn it. With that information, let's be on a date.

So that way, you know. That would be great. Wouldn't that be nice? Just go, yeah, I want to fuck. And it would be great. And I think, I suspect that you could make me come. And I'll, even if you don't, that's what I'm willing to take this risk.

And from here on out, just back to regular. I like that. I like that. Because it's all vibes. You're all going off vibes. But then it's not sexy if a guy's like, do you want to hook up? No offense. You know, hey, you want to hook up?

And the girl's like, ah, what are you doing? Don't ruin it. But then if you're like, ah, they're like, whoa. And they're like, yo, I don't know what to do here. I know. It's all very gray. I'll probably tell you this story too, but the first time Sarah and I ever hooked up, my wife,

my wife, we were friends. We had been friends for years, and then we'd been hanging out. And then finally she was like, come to my house. You can come over and stay at my house and we were laying in her bed like she's in underwear I'm in shorts oh my we watched Nirvana unplugged all the way through the house like three hours no it's an hour I'm just sitting there like you must have been rocked up and then the credits rolled I was like oh wow the boom operator was Steve and I just couldn't make the move Wow I still didn't have comp I had no

fucking confidence Wow I was like what if she just really wanted to sit under the covers in our underwear and watch Nirvana unplug that's crazy that's crazy that was horrible I mean yeah what's his face what's the lead say Kurt Cobain heard that and blew his brains out yeah heard that story man that's wild boy but I get it because if you make the move and she goes whoa what are you doing you feel like a complete asshole yeah you look like a dipshit yeah so but you were there you're in the undies if you're in an underwear stage. I know well to be fair to me on this one I did try to hook up with like be like we should date and she was like well you just shit in a girl's

shoe you have herpes you're an alcoholic. Oh I didn't know about all that. Yeah so she had said a bunch. Boy she's not good at dirty talk. Well she was trying to she had you know she was like this guy's pursuing me. He literally shitting a girl's shoe like six weeks ago. Wow, you're a fun loving guy. You're a party guy. It was my morning python. Yes.

In a shoe. There you go. What else do I have? You got anything on the list? I'm sorry. I met a girl and she said I'm a professional cuddler. So this is a real vague one. Very PC. Professional cuddler, yeah, there you go.

PC, computer. And, um, so... Twenty-second timeout for me, sorry. I'll be over here. I gotta regroup. That's all right. We've all been there. I did one earlier.

But yeah, she said, I'm a professional cuddler. I said, get the fuck out of it. What the hell is that? She goes, I come to guys' houses. I'm sorry, we've all been there. I did one earlier. But yeah, she's a professional cuddler. I said, get the fuck out of it. What the hell is that? She goes, I come to guys houses, we cuddle in our underwear, no hooking up, no sex, no make out.

And then I leave and I go, this is a service? And she's like, yeah, yeah, I'll give you a freebie. So then I'm like, what the fuck is this? She's coming over, we get in our underwear, we spoon for like a half hour, and then you don't hook up? It goes against nature. Yeah, that's crazy.

Sorry, sister. There you go. Now, do you get a boner? Wait, I can't like, I don't know. Oh, I was like, I don't know why you put a burka on after that, I was confused. More like a- Of course I had a boner.

I had a boner in six seconds when she walked in, and then I'm just laying behind her with a boner in her underwear, and- But doesn't she feel the boner? Isn't she like- Of course! It's a very small boner. I mean, I do love to snuggle. Yeah, I do too, but it's a strange lady

who is very attractive in her underwear in your bed. I feel like she's trying to pull a fast one. Maybe she's looking to get some kind of lawsuit or something. It's entrapment. She wants you to be like, well, here we are. And then you grab the butt, and she's like, baa, you got you. Right. Maybe it's like a hidden camera.

Yeah, it's not a bad Chinese game show. But now I got my head, because I was like, this gal thinks I'm going to make a move. I'm going to flip it on her and not make a move. That's the way to go. And then she left. But yeah, crazy. One of those head

scratchers where she left and I was like, what the fuck just happened? I had a professional cuddler here. She didn't charge me. Now let me ask you this, is a professional cuddler, is that cheating? If I hire a cuddler to come and cuddle me for a half an hour? I think so. Yeah. But there's no intercourse. Yeah, but if you know, if you knew about a guy who is hotter than you, who went to your house while you weren't there, cuddled your wife in her underwear, and then left?

That's a little queer. All I've ever wanted. Oh, all right. Can he be a cop? Oh. Sure. But you don't think that would be odd? Well, I wouldn't like it.

But all right. Well, I wouldn't like it, but all right. Let me just cancel her then real quick. I had another one, by the way, the no confident. I've told you this before too. Maybe you guys have all heard all these stories I'm telling. But I had a girl that I was best friends with at New York Film Academy. You went there, I went there.

Six week program. We were thick as thieves, always together, hanging out, but she had a boyfriend at the time. I'm gonna go down. I'm going down. Me? No, I'm still, I'm listening. Well, wait.

Can the back see us? I can't see. Ah, I can't see Peter. I told you, he can't see. Sorry. I'm weak, I don't wanna upset the back. Well, it is uncomfortable up here. Yeah, it's a little more uncomfortable. This way we can see a little.

I like it. I like it. Was that the light chuck, by the way? Oh, okay. I like how Chuck's in the dark. He's in time out over there. What the hell are you doing? But Ben Chuck's $7,000. He's just masturbating in the back room in the kitchen. I haven't seen him. Oh, you came out of the shadows like Ben Laden. Good Lord. Jesus Christ.

Alright, go back in the dark. I feel like you should have a candle under your face or something. Alright, so what were you saying? I promise I won't fart again. I'm really very sorry. I feel terrible. I feel like we're going to cause a divorce. You're going to be like, you guys are going to be fighting one day, domestic, and then she's going to be like, and then you listen to this fucking filth, you make me go see it.

The guy's a piece of shit. Now, she's more fun than she looks. No, I mean, you seem like a, you look very put together. You look like a stand-up lady, like a librarian. Oh boy. So you were saying something about a- Oh yeah, so I was friends with this woman. She had a boyfriend, but she never mentioned the boy,

but I just thought I was such a wholesome boy. She never mentioned the boyfriend, he was never around. And if she did mention him, she'd be like, oh, he stinks. And then we were best besties. Yeah. And then we went and saw Lost in Translation together. One of my favorite movies. Romantic. And then after the movie, she goes, I'm so glad they kissed in the end. And I was like, me too. Anyways. And then I just left. Ah, and looking back, she was trying to, cause we had a similar thing. Yeah. You see it's all vibes. It's too vague Very vague, but then later we did have sex and I got herpes. Well, that was her

Possibly it was her one other girl. I think it was the playground gal. That's the same gal. I see Well, I suspect it might have been her cuz right before we had sex. She was like I have herpes And I was like, that's okay, that'll'll do it I had sex with a herpes gal once but she wasn't yes thank you so all's well that ends well well mine wasn't either but shit but then Sarah has never gotten herpes. It would have been having sex for 14 years. Do you worry that's, yeah, that's an applause. Worthy. Do you worry that it's a race against time? I think she would have got it by now.

I don't think it works like that. Or maybe she's apathetic or what is it called? Oh, asymptomatic. Impartial. Oh, yeah. No, asymptomatic. Wait a minute. I have the word, it's asymptomatic. No, no, no, that's not it, that's not it. I got the word. Nom de Plume. Yes. Didn't she write a series of kids books? Nom de Plume? Yeah. No that's Judy Blume. That's it. There we go. See we're in sync. Ovulating. Now we're gonna go for a second baby. Oh fun. Yeah. I would wait a little bit. You think?

Well it takes nine months to cook. Yeah that's that's gonna be tough. How so? Well you got a year and a half old and a newborn. Hmm. Is that too quick? What do you give it's a lot? Three years between two years, I think three, four years. Then they can help out. They can hold. What's your brother's age difference to two? All right. Well, you guys work differently.

But that way it's a one and a half year old's a handful. And then you have a baby crying and the other kid. That's true. That's true. That's a lot. Yeah. Good point. But do it. Some people true. That's a lot. Yeah. Good point. But do it. Some people say, too. Some people are like, don't do it.

Don't do it at all? Yikes. All right. See, this is her gynecologist. That was awkward. But also, some people say have them quick, and then you get it all out of the way. Not for your sake, but for May's sake,

she can get back to work and all that shit. That's her thought. She wants to get going. With life. Oh, with the baby. Yeah. Well, AI is going to kill all of us in three years, so maybe you shouldn't wait. Maybe AI can make a baby.

Of course it can make a baby. What? It's going to make a bunch of robot-y babies that fuck all of our wives in front of us. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you're set. So what are you so worried about? Well, I mean, you know, it's still a little nerve-wracking.

That's true. But if AI can make babies. But they like their own babies. They'll kill our babies and make their own. I think. They'll just be like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. That's the heads getting popped up. Oh, boy.

Okay. I didn't know what that was. One baby's like, ah, ah. Yeah, go for it. I didn't know that. I didn't popped up. Oh, boy. OK. I didn't know what that was. The baby's like, ah, ah. Yeah, go for it. I just think that's a lot of, right away. A lot of stuff going on.

Yeah. But when it's done, it's done. In like 10 years, yeah. Then you're good. They're playing. You put in a good 10 years, and off you go. There you go. And we never thought we'd have kids.

And then here we are sitting on top of a couch. Yeah. Yep. I remember you specifically saying, ugh, who would do that? We were watching a friend watch his kid. This is 15 years ago. I don't know if you remember this. And you were like, god, can you imagine that?

He's got to keep him busy and entertained. And then here we are, breastfeeding. Well, I had to go through a lot of therapy because my parents are just horrible, horrible people. You think so? And I met Deb. She's very nice. They beat into you that children ruins your life. I never got to do this. I never got to do that. I was busy doing your laundry. You have to do the thing. And then I had to teach you this and I had to do that. And I didn't get a life and I didn't get to travel, and because of you,

I have no money, and I'm a piece of shit, and my life is ruined. And then their kid has a kid, now their grandpa, now I got to do this again, now I got to watch a fucking kid again, I want to go. So then you get- Whoa. And then all the other people are getting divorced. Everyone in my family is divorced, and kids destroyed their lives. Ay. And then you talk to somebody that's what you believe and then you talk to somebody that's not from your family who's like, what?

Right. It's like the greatest joy in the history of joys. Yeah. And then you're like, wait, what? And they're like, yeah, you see the world through their eyes and you have meaning and then they laugh and they say your name and they love you and you love them. And you're like, it's not even, you can't even touch it.

There's nothing even close to it. What do you think, going to the fucking Mets game is going to compare to having a child? And then you're like, that's a good point. And then you have a child and you're like, even they undersold it. Even they weren't, right? And then you realize your family is horribly, horribly dysfunctional. Right. And it's the most wonderful thing ever.

And I'm OK with the AI apocalypse, because I get a couple years with my boy. Wow. Somewhere between you and your parents, I think. Yeah. I've noticed. Interesting. I think, yeah.

No, I'm joking. I like the guy. This is a very uncomfortable thing to sit on. My back is killing me. Do you guys have pillows or a stage or... Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. You guys got kids, right?

Pregnant. What? Pregnant! Whoa! Oh my god! Oh my god! It might be too early to say, because you're not... How pregnant are you? Two days.

Oh! You still got time to get rid of it oh wow today's is a joke oh okay okay but ten weeks that's exciting so what's the due date is uh December I was close close now uh what So what are you naming it? Oh! Oh! All right. That's going to be a good looking kid. It's going to have little alien eyes and you know. No. Not alien.

Not alien. Robot. Yeah. Not like a Mexican. You know like. Chico is right here. Oh. He's not Mexican? His name tag like Chico is right here oh he's not Mexican his name tag says Chico it's a are you Mexican no he's Indian Bangladesh Pakistan the rival yeah a bit of a war going on guess in New York and it was actually Boston. Right, right. Yeah, that was tough.

Pakistan is better. Absolutely. You guys hide people really well. Yes, yes. It took a long time to find that son of a bitch. That's true, yeah. Well done. My hat's off to you.

Sorry we had to shoot him in the end, but yeah. Remember DiPaolo's joke about Bin Laden? They said they gave him a burial at sea because they didn't want to dunk the football. He goes, oh, shooting the guy in the face is not exactly handing the ball back to the ref. That's fun. Great joke. He had some good stuff.

Oh, God, I lost all my stuff. I assume it's back there. I remember when they shot Bin Laden, there was a big party in Manhattan. I was there. I went.'s back there. I remember when they shopped in London, there was a big party in Manhattan. I was there. I went. Oh, sorry. But... I was down there. Wow. It was very exciting. And I feel like a bro idiot, but I was watching the hockey game.

It was during the hockey playoffs, May 29th, something like that. And then it came in, like, we interrupt this program, blah, blah, blah, blah. They got bin Laden, and I was living at Cantor at the time, drinking. And I said, we got to, we interrupt this program, blah, blah, blah, blah, they got Bin Laden. And I was living in Canter at the time, drinking. And I said, we gotta, let's fucking go to Times, let's go to World Trade Center! Wow. To ground zero, because they hadn't built the thing. 2011.

Oh wow. And he was like, all right, we jumped in my car. I was a little half cocked. And we just drove down, first we drove through Times Square, we were blasted rocking in the free world. It was great. It was the most Republican I've ever been in my life. I was like fucking rocking out and drove through Times Square, we were blasted rockin' in the free world. It was great. It was the most Republican I've ever been in my life. I was like fuckin' rockin' out and drove through Times Square.

We went to Ground Zero and I saw Brian Bollinger there. Oh wow. I got pictures of people who were showin' their tits and stuff, a chant in USA. It was very fun. Damn. But. Did you burn anything?

No, it wasn't that kind of party. We were just, everyone was just down there. It was very exciting. It felt very therapeutic for, I don't know. It's just strange, you're like that kind of party. We were just down there. It was very exciting. It felt very therapeutic for I don't know It's just strange like a guy died. Yeah, that's a weird celebration, but I get it. Yeah, but well He's a fucking he murdered like 3,000 of my citymen And I come from a firefighting family. Hey that kind of stuff. It was very exciting.

I'm glad he's dead. Yeah. You know he loved me. You guys aren't, which is weird. Bunch of Gen Z folk here. I guess so, yeah. Jesus Christ. There's a lot of America hate now.

But you know Ben Laden, he was obsessed with Whitney Houston. Is that right? Fun fact. Yeah, give it a go. I read this. He believed the children were our future. He's like, we've got to teach them well and let them lead the way. Did she say that?

Yeah. Oh, I see. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. My fucking back is destroyed. Was anyone else there? Were you guys there? Did you go down there? World Trade Center? You look like a guy that might have...

Oh yeah, I could see that. Maybe the most talented crackhead? What? Whitney. Oh, I thought you meant Bin Laden. No, Bin Laden. No, he was... I don't think he was a crackhead. Died in the tub. Bin Laden? Oh, Whitney. All right, so we're off of Bin Laden. Bin Laden's over. Well, he liked Whitney Houston and, you know. I see, I see. Yeah, died in the tub. I think she boiled herself. No. I'm telling you, her skin was all... What? Yes, this guy, yeah. What do you mean boiled? It's like a tub.

She was high and she made the water too hot and sat in it and got all fucking sizzled up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Left cold, right hot. Don't shit, don't bring crack in the tub, I think was the old saying. But wait a minute, how'd she boil? It's still tub water. Tub water can't get that hot, can it? Well it's very hot, I think it's scalded.

I don't think she, yeah. Oh, okay, I pictured it boiling like a cauldron there. I don't think so. Either way, she had pipes. Oh, love her. That star-spangled banner with the sleeves rolled up. Maybe I am a Republican now that I think about it. I'm like, that's stars, Chris, say it ain't so.

Jesus Christ. Not a Trump one. I don't want to get involved. Cut that out, Chuck. The people hate me. We're losing all our Patreon people. Yeah, not our Patriots. But yeah.

What a great pregnant laugh that is. I love a pregnant laugh. How do we move off of you being pregnant? That's exciting. You're going to have the best orgasms of your life. Oh. Your tits are going to be huge and veiny. You're going to love it.

And you get to fuck her and feel a hand. That's exciting. And then late in the term, anal all the way. Just go, nobody's laughing, so it's getting weird. That's very exciting. First kid? Oh, good times. Boys and girls.

These people that have kids don't look like this. They look 11 years old. You haven't been to Harlem, Pakistan? Oh, yeah. Harlem. Pakistan? What's the word Columbia is? Columbia? The school. Oh the school. That's where Becca went. The Heights. Some Heights. Washington Heights. That's what I was looking for. I couldn't think of it. I used to live up there. 127th and St. Nicholas. Yeah. I don't know. That's Harlem. No, no, but my girlfriend at the time, my once and future girlfriend, they went to Columbia. Oh, okay.

How do I say they? Like she's... Sounds like a Canada... My girlfriend lives in Canada, she's up there. She's up in Columbia. I used to work up there, getting up there was like, it was a hike. I lived in Brooklyn. To get to Columbia was a fucking nightmare.

And I was at temp. Worst job in the biz. Because every day is your first day. Yeah, that's horrible. So I worked at Pratt for a day, worked at Columbia for a day, and then you just learn everything and leave. That sucks. Yeah, it was brutal. That's the first job that's out with this AI business.

Temp? Yep. Oh yeah. You'll probably get delivered by AI oh yeah the city I got the best delivery doctor ever what royal oak michigan wait wait what are you doing here oh wow whoa hey did you guys come to the show in Royal Oak? Yeah, we thought you guys went first. I thought so. That brings it, that's what's going on here. That, I see it now. I get it now.

Yeah. That makes sense. You told me you weren't keeping it. But, um, yeah. Alright, good to see you. Wow, it's always a pleasure when you guys come around. It's a beautiful thing. I'm a big fan.

I never forget a face. That is my vow to you. The lighting, we got lights on our face here. Absolutely, big bright lights at this comedy club. They got one of the best lights in the business. Well this is Kismet, this is Kismet. I want to be at the birth. Can I pull it out?

He didn't. Can, are you going to see or are you going to natch? Thank you, thank you for trying to. Yeah, my, both our wives went see. This is way, you gotta do plan C section, only way to do it. We were there for 22 hours, I have a great bit about it, on Small Ball, YouTube, free now.

There you go. 22 hours, it was fucking horrible. And then after 22 hours they go, why don't we just cut it out? And you're like, what, cut it out? What, we could have done that three days ago. Yeah, we were in there 11 minutes in and out that they handed me a little brown baby.

Yeah, that's great. It was the wrong baby, but we worked it out. Plus the vagina doesn't get all funky. You gotta preserve. She's got a great vagina, I can tell. Yes. If it's anything like your face, it is smooth. But, and hairless and has teeth but you know as a fun fun fact the vagina

does have a lot of ectoplasm or whatever it is like protons and neutrons or whatever the fuck it is bio biotic antibiotics or whatever, and it helps the baby's health. Like it gets all the goo on the baby and they get healthy. Placenta. Sure. So they got the placenta and you get some butthole stuff too when you go out the vagina, which is also good for the baby.

Oh. It's all pipes. It's all stuff mixing and matching down there. I'm telling you, but the doctor. I know you're telling me. What is it? Thank you. What from the asshole though? All the fluids. The goo from the butthole, the vagina, it's all connected, Jerry. It's no ass goo is shit. Oh, no, no, no, there's goo. Sweat and jizz and goo and placenta and just sewage, raw sewage.

I don't know about this, right? Glasses, boys, I don't think this, I don't think the ask goo is good. Come on, you're talking to three virgins here. Hang on, I'm just, no. But my point is, when they give it out to the C-section, they shove it around that area just to get it on the face and then they move on.

That's like the first blackface. That kind of, like, face paint, you know? Right, right, I guess so, I never thought about that. But, uh. My ass is killing me. The goo. So they goo it up! Well, they got good goo. So they just take the baby and they go...

They just shove it down there to get the goo and then they give it to you. That's good. I like... Baby smells like shit. Goo is good! Goo is big! Yes! Yes!

Python! Mr. Magoo. Um... We gotta wrap up soon. We should do some plug, because this is not just a live episode. This is a real episode. This is going to be out there. Why don't we ask a couple questions to run us out of here? Okay, but we should plug our stuff also. Sure, up down to butt plugs. We're going to sell some tickets here, for God's sakes. Well, that even made me feel

weird. Why don't we plug then question? That's what I'm saying! Alright, go plug it up! This way people will listen to the plugs! Yes, yes, hair plugs. I'm so sorry about the farts, ma'am. I'm sorry I couldn't produce one. We'll send you some via audio.

Join our Patreon, that's where our best farts live. Sorry, I've got to turn back to you guys, I don't want to be an asshole. Yeah, we need those guys. These are your people. If I had any sense of humor, I'd fart now towards directly, but I don't have one ready. It's not there, it's not there. But anyway, my asshole is quite itchy right now. I think I didn't do a great job cleaning everything up. Ah, well, put the baby down there.

It'll help him. Um, okay, Small Ball is streaming right now. Did you guys watch it? That feels fake. Did you guys watch it? Oh nice. Oh you saw it live. Oh you saw it in the theater that's right I forgot it played in the theaters because nobody went. Thank you. I love that theater I rented that. I didn't rent the theater out. Louis CK rented that theater out and I was there. And we watched another round. Oh, good movie. Mads Mikkelsen. So good. You know, it'd be kind of helpful if someone shot up your show. I mean,

it would be horrible. Well, no, I'm not saying you, but another one, maybe with like three people in it, like one of the theaters, and then you get a ton of buzz. Oh, that would have been good. Maybe I'll re-release it. I mean that's the only reason I saw Joker. You're a Joker. I am a Joker, that's true. I gotta sit down.

You guys, just remember what I look like. Maybe we go handstand, handstand. Or headstand. Handstand. I get on your shoulders. That's not what a handstand is. I couldn't think of the, uh... That's a piggyback. Uh, pen name. Uh, small ball,

and then New England. I'm in New England all month. When does this come out, Chuck? Are you here? Shadows. Look, he's like Batman Chuck's just hanging upside down back there Chuck what are you sleeping he's got one of his bitches back there July 3rd July, well this, it doesn't matter. No one's coming. I've been in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

People are coming. Portland, Oregon. No, no, Portland, Maine. What? Portland, Maine. It doesn't matter. September, something. Let's do questions.

Well, let me do some. I'm going to Australia, going to Dallas, going to San Diego, San Jose, and DC, and Pakistan. Chocolate Cite. Yes. You want to take a question? Yeah, anybody got a question? All right, we'll end this puppy. Oh, there we go.

What do you got there, vertical stripes? With this is in regards to your opening red song, whatever you guys call it. The theme song. Yeah, theme song. Was there a The theme song. Was there a big debate over whether or not Mark should add this is supposed to be cheesy? No, we... It's like very Mark, that seems like you'd be uncomfortable with it and have to have that. That's exactly what happened.

Was there any disagreement or you just wasn't? No, the whole thing felt forced and I just felt weird about it and I just blurted that out and then we kept it. Yeah we put, to answer the question more directly, we put zero thought whatsoever and it's played now 580 times. A guy at the time, Benji I think, was like hey just do some fake banner for the intro. And so we actually repeated, just do some fake banner for the intro. And so we actually said, OK, fake banner for the intro. And then I just did the line from the last Boy Scout.

What's that? Which was surf's up. And I said she didn't even hit her with a surfboard. Yeah, hit her with a surfboard. She didn't even flush. Yeah. It was a joke, a punch line for a joke. I heard somewhere else. Yeah. It was just nonsense. We did it in 30 seconds. Then they put the thing together. Yeah, they put little strings on it.

It worked. And about 4,500 people have been like, what's the song? And I've never responded to a single one. It's like a weird anxiety thing. I'm like, ah, I don't know the answer. And stop. Well, the guy who wrote it must be annoyed, because he's probably like, ah, I

thought this would come and go and now it's been around for 12 years and I've gotten no money. It keeps coming, yeah. So, sorry to that guy, whatever his name is. What's his name? Hayfever? He's got a band name.

I literally don't know. I can't remember. It was some guy. Ah well, Colin. Any other? I'm not doing it again. I'm joking. If you farted, those white pants would be ruined. That's how you know she never farts. Or spots. Alright, what do you got over here? Who's got a question? Hey! Two at once! What do you got there, sir?

I just got a car for the first time. Hey! Quit bragging. I just got a car for the first time. Hey! Oh nice! Hey, alright! Quit bragging. Do you have any advice for the new car owner in the city? Anything to watch out for? Don't drink and drive. Alright. I've never done that.

This is going to be one of our all-time worst questions. Driving advice. Driving advice? Driving advice. If you... Click it. Yeah, I don't know. That is a tough question there. Click it or ticket. That's hilarious. I just bought some shoes.

You got any advice? What do you do with shoes? You got any inside tips on shoes? I would say click it or ticket, sir. No, I don't know. I got some advice, if you get pulled over, lead foot, that works.

Yeah. Wear a seatbelt. I would say parking, well, this is, here we go, advice. So just accept that you're gonna get a parking ticket every once in a while, and if you parked, paid to park, it's like $80 a day, so every once in a while, you get a $65 ticket, when you balance it out to all the times you parked, it's like $2 per park.

That's not bad, that's not bad. And you have to be aggressive and cautious at the same time, use that horn, but don't use it too much. Because you'll kill Colin Quinn. When I first came to New York City, I was driving him around. And he was before, he loves boxing, so he's always showing you how to box, you know? And then later on, I was laying on the horn. I was like, fuck you! And he goes, hey, this isn't fucking Massachusetts. You use the horn like that, you're going to be using those boxing lessons sooner than you thought. So don't go crazy with the horn. Okay.

Don't use the horn. Paul Grant just bombed so hard. He can do that. Yeah, don't use the horn and... the other thing. Yeah. Oh, you got a question? No.

She was flirting. Don't drink either. All right. I saw a guy back there. What do you got there? Hat and beard. Any plans on replacing Joe Rogan on Protect Our Parks now that he's over at Goats of Church? I know, right?

What the hell? I mean, it's too bad he owns the studio and has all the platform. But. It is too bad. Yeah. So it'd be nice but what could you do you know even J Mo would be more fun he funnels a beer every now and then and he's not going to church like a kweef so wish we could sir but he stays Ari'll die so

we'll get him out of there. That'd be fun. Hey fuck, marry, kill. Ari Rogan chain. Now that's a question sir. Jesus Christ. That's how you ask a question. Yeah. Sir. I like how you made it formal at the end there. Who would I marry, fuck, or kill? Yeah, that's right. That's OK. Well, if I kill the guy, can I get the money? I don't think so.

I've got to marry him. Well, I'll marry Joe for the money. OK. I'll kill. It feels like a waste to kill Ari, because he's at death's door already. Yeah. It feels like a waste to kill Ari because he's at death's door already. Yeah.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh. . That's pretty good. That's pretty good. He puts his sand behind his back before you fuck him. Right, right. He's also a very sweet boy. He's a very nice guy.

He's a kind-hearted soul. Yeah, so I guess I'll kill Ari. Yeah, that makes sense. That'll be fun. We'll do a whole Gaza role play. Ari feels like he'd actually be strangely OK with it. If you're like, I got to kill you, he'd be like, all right. Whatever.

That's true. Yeah. I get it. Respect the game. Yeah. All right. You had a question? Yeah.

You had a pretty big year. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know about big. Productive year, I would say. Any big projects next year? Well, I lost $40,000 on one project, and I lost $60,000 on the other.

So, um... You're going to make it back. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about a big project. We might do a documentary about Skankfest, maybe. Ooh. Some people, do you guys want to fund that? You should go fund that one. Just, Chris, you want to fund that? You should go fund that one.

Yeah, sure, you want to fund? You got money. You work in business, I think. You're a Republican, it's been revealed to me. Yeah, I think go fund that one. You're in the hole quite a bit. You got a child here. I know.

And a kid. Yeah. All right. But yeah, maybe we'll make a documentary, and Tali another special. And I just want to be home now, though. That's the hard thing. Plus, AI is going to kill us.

Right, right, right, right. Well, maybe AI the Doc. Oh, yeah. That'll be free. Yeah. I'll think of something. Sorry for the bad answer. I'm depressed.

What do you got there, other guy? Have you guys ever tried to write a Seinfeld episode since your fan meeting show? Well, that would actually require a little work. Either one of us uses a computer. Yeah, we tried to write a script and boy, that ended in like a nervous breakdown and then a drinking binge. Also, it basically made like 600 Seinfeld episodes that of the podcast. If you combine all the quotes?

Yeah. Yeah. No, but I did just pitch a show on last week's episode. Will these come out in order? Yeah. Supermark. Oh, yeah, Supermark. Tune in for that.

That's a big show. We wrote a whole show, basically, in one sitting. Hold on. Wait, wait. It's not ready. I'm trying to do a press conference stuff. Yeah. All right, we really got to go, because we have spots.

You have to be in a club in a half an hour. One more question that leads to something hilarious. Oh, what do you got there, handsome guy? I think you said on one episode you wear one pair of shoes until it dies. Do you have a rotation? Those look relatively white. These are pretty new-ish.

I tried to do a kick flip, and you can see the front's coming apart now. So these are on the way out, but I'll keep these till they're just dust. And and yeah so I had a bunch of Nike I had a Nike before this then I got these the Nikes are out the sole was broken so I'll just ride these till the tint of the sunshine sunset one pair yeah I did the same thing I mean I have a like a nice boot I wear at a wedding but that's a different thing. Boots to a wedding?

Yeah I wear a snakeskin boot. I call them the pythons. Alright we really gotta go. I think I might have one more fart though. Yeah! That was a real popper! Alright, thank you guys! We did it! You're a podcast listener and this is a podcast ad heard only in Canada. Reach great Canadian listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libsyn ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre-produced ad

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