Tuesdays with Stories! - #613 Iran Bennington

Episode Date: July 15, 2025

Joe goes to see Dr. Dog and feels like an L7 weenie! Mark goes to Green Bay - and gets hit with a broken AC and has a 60-second layover! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays �� - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Support the show and sign up for your $1 per month Shopify trial at https://www.shopify.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Support the show and get 20% off your Chubbies order. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with Stories everybody!

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me and I can't choose what I want Here we are! We're back at the studio, the baby's asleep

we're pumped up, it's a hot muggy cum guzzlin' nazi out there we're pumped up, it's a hot muggy cum guzzling Nazi out there. It's thick. It is like walking through a bowl of semen out there. It's just sticky. I had to change the baby's diaper in a public restroom. I left, I looked like fucking the pilot in airplane. I was soaking wet. Covered in shit. It was just dying, sweating in there. And then there's some guy in the stall. So I got a couple of bathroom tails. I got a lot, actually.

Oh, good. Good. I had a fun weekend, so nothing of note. Well, first of all, we've got to address something, because everyone gets very upset if you don't address. You've got to address. I'm going to Maine. I'm going to England for three weeks.

And then when I get back, you're going to old England, right? Australia. New England, basically. The other New England. They sent all the prisoners there. Yes. Give us your week, your bore, your tile, your huddled masses. Yes. Huddled mass. That sounds like a good word for a shit. Huddled mass.

I took a huddled mass that sounds like a good word for a shit huddled man. It's like a huddled mass last night Yeah, that was a shooting in a church yesterday. I tweeted mass shooting nobody liked it. That's fantastic Like I ran Well, maybe they didn't get it people on Twitter don't get things. I know I tweeted about the bombing I wrote great now I ran hates America and I've gotten a lot of people laugh but a lot of people are like nice try pal they've hated us for a long time I'm like that's what makes it such a humorous situation. Joke ya queef. Well that's the the crazy thing about Twitter is it's more they want to get ya so

they're like that doesn't make sense so they're all bloodthirsty so they don't even get to notice the sarcasm. But I do think in their defense there's tons and tons of retarded people on Twitter you got that right like there are many people I've the reason I tweeted it I've seen many people with the take like great now Iran's mad at us like so literally people are thinking that yeah they loved us before so I get it so people don't there's so many fucking idiotic idiots that when you're sarcastic people are like, he means it. But Trump is being

hilarious because he's like, now's the time for peace. Boom! Bunker buster! And then I love the, we obliterated them and we could do it again and it'll be much easier. What does that mean? It'll be easier. He just pushed a button. How could it get any easier? He's like a PS4 controller and he's like done. Yeah I don't even think he needs a controller. I think he just gives the old like yeah but well what are you gonna do? By the way Chuck do we have, remember I did that whole Iran thing? You gotta get that to me. That's a... Sesh?

Was it Sesh? Topical. Yeah, Sesh. Iran. Sesh, okay. Yeah, that was my whole thing. The guy said Iran, and I was like, oh, it's Iran. We say Iran, and I said it sucks there.

Okay. Yeah, I'll get it to you today. Get it to me tonight, because that thing is topical. Yeah, that's topical, yeah. This is awkward. I did a set last night, and I did a whole Iran-Iran thing. But I think they're different. My joke was just, who cares?

What was it a bit? The guy was like, oh, is that how you say it? OK, OK. It was more of a back and forth. I go, a guy goes, Iran. And I go, oh, Iran. He goes, Iran. And I go, who cares?

It'll be gone soon. That's the whole line. Oh, yeah, this is different. This is different. Just checking. Yeah, yeah, this is. And I did the thing. How did you get here?. This is different. Just checking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, and I did the thing.

How did you get here? You had to take the quiz, whatever you call it, the test. The quiz. And I was like, what are some of the questions? And wow, you know more about America than us. Right. I'm glad you're here. It was something, there was a couple jokes in there.

Yeah, it was funny. Oh, it was, because nothing I'm saying is funny now. But I think I said something funny. I can't wait to see it. But I don't think it was any of that. All right. But, well, mine would have been out six months ago If fucking jackass wasn't blowing What's his name? I can't think of his name

We're filming 24 hours a day right now, we're filling it all up You're fired every time I see you you're like why I have a podcast I lost a podcast I'm making a movie. I'm not making a movie dating Kevin Smith. I'm in the Joker What's going on? I actually think it's all made up. I know what's going on with Chuck. I know this man. You're trying to get, what's that called? Sympathy? No, no, no. When you... Clout? No, when you act like you're in demand. Oh, some supply and demand. Yeah, something like that. Some buzz going.

Some buzz, whatever it is. You go, oh man, I got a six picture deal with Paramount. Right. They're offering me $7,500,000 a minute, but I don't want to leave here. So we go, oh my god, we're so grateful. And then six months later, you go, ah, the whole thing fell through.

What are you going to do? Yeah, that's not bad. It's smart. It's not a bad theory. It's very, it's Normanesque, frankly. Ah, yes, the teacher becomes the homo. But what you do with the ladies, too, you're like, hey, whore, I got 17 women on the hook here.

I can't be dating you, so you better start blowing me. He's like, I gotta film a documentary on Bob Dylan. Scorsese asked me. Stanley Kubrick and Martin Scorsese are fighting over my skills, they love my blink-win-82 shirt, and then all of a sudden, ah well, money, remember that guy? There was some billionaire. Oh, that's true. That was made up. What was that, Elon? Yeah, I'm going to bleep this. He sent me. Hey, all right. Okay, well, for what? Don't bleep it, that's good!

Because the project fell through and we spent so much time on it. Oh, that's the win-win! You don't have to do the shit and you get the dough! I know, yeah, no, he's... yeah. Paul, win-win! He's not a bad guy. A lot of stuff falls through. You guys have had a lot of stuff fall through. We've never had anything fall through. We're 12 years over here! What about all the TV pilots and all the sizzles?

I didn't do any of that. You pitched. Well, he's done a bunch of shit that went all the way to the top. Of course, of course, of course. The middle or the bottom, but the theater. Certainly not the top. There's ups and downs, you know. Strikes and gunners.

Hits and misses. Swing. Hey, ba-da-ba-da, get it, get it, get it. Well, anyways, I could have used that I ran video six months ago. Well, you still got time. It's still bubbling. Oh, it's bubbling. Oh yeah, big bubble, big buzz.

Bunker buster. Anyways, we got, so that's what I started to say nine months ago. We got to record four episodes in two days. So I know you don't like the pre-record, whatever, but it's that or nothing. Yeah, come on. You want something. We're doing this for you, and enjoy the thighs while you got them, because we're all going to hell.

I'm going to Australia. You're going to what? Cleveland? I'm going to... I wish I was going to Cleveland. We love you, Becca! Basing Becca. I just bring up Cleveland just to get you going.

It's fun. My child found a random Cleveland Browns football today and I was like, oh maybe I'll take a photo and send it over there. Hey Cleveland! Yeah. He found the ball. By the way, when's Browns going away? That's on thin ice if you ask me. Browns is not gonna be around forever. That's his name. It's Walter Brown or Jerry Brown or Steve Brown. I know or Jerry Brown Steve Brown is a bunch of brown people that's true but their colors are kind of orange and brown they have orange helmets I've seen the people they're dark-skinned no this is white guys they had Johnny Manziel for a second Jew I don't think so no I'm thinking Edelman Oh Julian yeah yeah and Alex oh

speaking of Iran I thought of this the other day Iran What's up with the? Iran Bennington, what's up with the oh, that's good the hum. You can't draw the guy. Oh Yeah Well, there's no photos of the guy. So don't we have to draw which guy Muhammad? Oh Yeah, I think you can't draw silly. Uh-oh. You can't draw him with like a top hat.

Even this is scary. Really? Oh yeah. You can't draw him whatsoever. Really? Yeah, for sure. But how do you depict? I don't know.

Can you paint? Can you calligraphy? Can you etch a sketch? Like where does it end? I don't know. It ends with this. I mean, you gotta be careful. You're gonna have an antifata on you,

or what's it called, a fatwa. My dad's around. You gotta have a big fatwa on your tits. What do you call my wife? No, I'm just saying, it doesn't make sense, but, well, like, what if he's in the courtroom? Yeah. You get the sketch.

Well, I think he's dead, right? I thought he was all knowing, all powerful. I think so, but he's not still with us. But then you could name your kid after him. That seems weird. Most popular name in the world. Exactly. So I'd rather be drawn than have people steal my name. Yeah. That seems more offensive. Now you've got an Uber driver with the guy, the Allah name with the leader's name. Yeah, that's a good point. I have a point. Yeah, because we don't have anyone named God. We have Jesus. We got Jesuses walking around. But there's not American Jesus. I think the Latino community, you have Jesus. They've embraced it, which is a little bold, by the way. Yeah, I guess so. You know, like, we don't do that. That's a little much, but if for some reason if they do it,

we go, ah, you're good. You're mowing the lawn. There's gotta be a white Jesus somewhere, like an American Jesus somewhere, don't you think? Yeah, well. Jesus Peterson? He wasn't Jew, so I wonder if in Israel they'd do some Jesus. I don't think so. Yeah, they don't love Jesus.

They like Abraham, whoever the fuck that is. That's the president, yeah. F. Murray. Oh, Abraham. He's good. I met him. What? I made him laugh. What?

At Louie's party, I told the story, he laughed out loud. Wow. Very good feeling. That, Amadeus, Jerry. Oh, you got that straight. Wow. And unbelievable in Inside Lou and Davis. Do you call him F or do you call him Murray?

I wasn't sure, I didn't call him anything. You could also call him F. F-u. F Murray, I don't care for the M Knight or the F Murray. Pick the name, you can't start with a letter. I know, but I think it's fun or clever as like J.K. Rowling. Ah.

T.J., TJ Miller. Who's the one about, it's confusing because Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter are both letter people. Isn't that confusing? It's JK Rowling and JR Tolkien have the two biggest fantasy trilogy books. That's true. Maybe it's a writery move. It's a writery move.

H.G. Wells. Jay Peterman. Ooh, he's good. He's a writer. Yes. H.G. Wells. I was returning. Then there was H.W. George H.W. Bush.

And then in There Will Be Blood his name is H.W. This is my son, H.W. Oh yeah. I drink your milkshake. I drink it up. Who else's letters? But what are the chances? I know people don't talk about this enough that we have JK and JR, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, which I confuse them because I've never seen or read either one of them but there are these huge sweeping massive movies with amusement parks and the whole thing. Yes, fantasy. One's JK, one's JR. That is crazy. I think it's even RR. There's a double R. J R R Tolkien. Am I wrong?

Give that a goog there, choo-choo. Like Rail, B and O. Oh yeah, what do you, I put on deodorant. Okay. But, oh, cute lady. Oh sorry, we're not supposed to reference. Oh yeah. JRR? Yeah it is. Double R. JRR.

This guy's really retarded. Yeah, Jason really retarded token. There you go folks. Okay, well I had to get all that out, all right, sorry. we're pre-recording so these will come out I mean this will be next week or the week after but there will be an episode that comes out seven weeks from now that we recorded this week. For you! We did it for you. Yes. And then I think we're still fucked by the way. Because as soon as I get back you're off riding fences. No no I made a plan it's covering all of it. Oh okay. I'm going to Europe in by the way. Ah. Cause as soon as I get back, you're off riding fences. Yeah, Levanting.

No, no, I made a plan. It's covering all of it. Oh, okay. I'm going to Europe in October. I mean, we're not covering October. I'm going on a cruise in October. Whoa, quit bragging. Yeah, what do we do?

Turner Classic Movies. Tom? Oh, okay. Who? We're going on the Turner Classic Movies cruise. Oh, that's gonna be a lot of geriatrics. I'm very excited. Oh, we're bringing the median age down by 25 years and my wife's 70, so that's going to be a lot of geriatrics. I'm very excited. Oh, we're bringing the median

age down by 25 years and my wife's 70. So that's not easy. What's the real way? What is the cruise? Turn a classic movie. I'm serious. No, no, they do a crew. Oh, they cruise. And so do I in the men's room. Cruz and Joe, Jim Cruz. So three people get that one. I know. Well, I got a story about him later. Okay. Ted Cruz. Actually, I think a lot of people get it because Nick Mullin has forever bonded us. Now when I see Jim twos, well, he's in that. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know he was involved in Cruz and Joe. Yeah. I fuck. Uh, I haven't listened to the part with Jim twos, but I think I blow Jim twos or a dating chip twosos I don't know how it came to pass but Jim twos told me he just released a special

and every comment is like are you blowing Joe List? That Nick Bolland is a mad scientist. There's all kinds of stuff going on in that noggin. He's a wacko and what a thing. He just riffed for like six minutes in my whole life his cruise and he's gonna be on my epitaph or a tombstone. Whatever you call it funny funny son of a B Um, I think Chuck just quit It's about time brought up that millionaire stuff and the other gigs and he's gonna go make up some new ones Well, we'll get all wacky legs back in here Oh, show both Shelby. We love you talk about sea legs put that guy on a cruise. I'll finally straighten out

Yeah, the third classic movies crew it's a it's a cruise for the tv channel was it's possible to be useful well it's an old old people cruise but you sit what they have uh... at the trip is was on it was a he was invited by the ticket less movies uh... they have some old movie stars and Ben Mankiewicz is on there and the real who's who you can go watch I mean Dreyfuss is no slouch I like Dreyfus. Dreyfus is huge. What about Bob? Mr. Holland's Opus. The other one, Close Encounters. Oh yeah. He was with Jenna Elfman that really flopped. Who's Jenna Elfman?

She was in a Darman Gregg. Oh, I don't really know that one. Kind of a cute blonde. You okay? Yeah. Oh, he came back with Sad Sack look. You look like you lost a gig. Thank God you got this one.

Yeah, Universal Studios just called. They're out. He's here doing the new Jurassic Park. Yeah. And Rupert's playing one of the T-Rexes. Oh, come on. He's a Stegosaurus. But yeah, I'm a Pegasaurus, take me from behind.

What the hell am I talking about? Yo, Turner Classic movies, you go on the cruise, and then they have movies all day and night, you pop in, you watch a film, and then there you go, there's your cruise. That's lovely, I mean, most cruises are just wild, drinking, you know, it's like Megadeth or Burt Kreischer, You're going on the classic. Well, that's the thing that's nice is because you still get all the benefits of a cruise. You have a twisty slide and it's a Disney

cruise. So you can, you go swim and there's I think bands and food and all that shit. Cause my parents are coming too. My dad's except, but my mother goes, this is classic. My mom, she goes, well, what am I going to do? I don't, I'm my dad's except, but my mother goes, this is classic my mom. She goes, well, what am I going to do? I don't, I'm not into old movies, but I'm like, right, but you've been on a cruise. Yes. That wasn't themed. Like it's still a cruise. You're just on a cruise. Pool, waterpark, gambling, movies, a hot tub. There's a shuffleboard deck. Yeah. And also I'm like, you'll do what you do.

You'll sit and drink. I'm not even trying to be shitty. I'm like, you eat food and you drink and then you lay in the sun and you go get and sit in the pool. Sounds amazing. It's not like if you hate old movies, you're still on a cruise ship in the middle of the fucking Caribbean. Nothing wrong with that.

And you hang out with your grandson while I watch movies. There we go. Fuck my wife. Now we're getting somewhere. But also, I mean, no offense to the Turner, but if I got the sun shining, I don't want to be cooped up in a hot, dark theater all day. Well, you have options. I see.

You can go, and I think it's like, oh, there's a 2 p.m., there's 11 a.m., so you're like, I'm going to catch the two. Yeah. Then I'll catch some rays. Also, it gets hot, you know.m. there's 11 a.m. so you're like I'm gonna catch the two yeah that'll catch some rays also he gets hot you know true true after a while when we were on the joker's crew wait were you on that you weren't on that every year yeah oh man I had so much fun we were the co-workers but um Chuck I think was the captain of the boat for that or something like that I have a funny idea for a did I tell you this this? No. Marty loves the boat, we live near the boat, the dock, the ferry, and we always do.

It always sounds a little bit like. Oh yeah, I feel like a woman. A movie like Hot Shots type of comedy, the guy's on this boat and he honks the horn, he goes. And then he goes, hit it again, he goes. And he turns and he goes, let's. He goes Let's go boys Joke

Make a gun to put it in there put that right in there. I think that already exists. Oh Shit, well, they made a new one if they hope they don't redo airplane. That would be a bad time. But Let's say you talk about movies. I do so the park we this by the way oldest Park in Brooklyn over here Which one the way oldest Park in Brooklyn over here, which one the Fort Greene Park? Great Park first of all, there's a big metal door in the park I was like, what does that door go to you? They the brain starts canoodling and you go what's up with that? I Google it They had a revolutionary war in the park and they put eleven thousand dead Americans behind that door

So they're just rotting away in there, this mausoleum. Wait, wait, so you're saying door. The door leads to something. Yeah, yeah, so it leads to a big cement house. Oh, okay. Well, you say door, I just think there's a door. Yeah, it is a door, but it leads to a thing. Ah, I thought you said a building with a door.

I thought there was literally just a door. And I was like, can't you just walk around and look behind it? No, it's not the take on me video, but it goes to this big mausoleum, and it's just a bunch of dead bodies, 11,000. 11,000 bodies are in this park? In that maus.

Wow. Crazy, so you just, we're just pulling up daisies, and it's just like Greg, Bob, and Johnson. And which war was this? Revolution. Yeah, fightin' the Brits. Wow. So that was one thing.

Two, I saw a big placard and I said, what's goin' on there? And it's got free movies in the park. And I go, okay, let's see if you can guess the theme. Call me by your name. Homo's. Thank you. It's Pride. Ah! Yes!

So what else is it, Brokeback? No, no, no. I mean, Call Me By Your Name's a weird public movie. He eats a peach with jizz on it. My wife made the exact same point. She was like, it's weird that you're allowed to have this gay filth, because it would be weird if it was hetero.

You could just put the Tommy Lee video up there. Right, if a woman was eating cum off of her shoe, you wouldn't put it in the park. No, you'd put it in my VCR. But yeah, it's just, it's allowed. It's kind of like Sean Patton had that great point. He's like, if Louis had done that and he was gay, nobody would care. Right. But that's a whole other thing. Well, there's another interesting thing about that movie is Timothy Chalamet is like 11 and Armand Hammer is like 75. It is like. I need some powder.

He is like a grown man. Like, what do you call that? Seducing a boy. Wow. And I always thought that was weird. I was like, this is another thing, cause this is a massive complaint about cinema. It's always an older guy with a young woman. Yes, yes. I was like, this is nothing, cause this is a massive complaint about cinema.

It's always an older guy with a young woman. Yes, yes. And that movie, which is an enjoyable film, it's fine. But it's a much older guy. He's like in college and Chalamet is in elementary school. Again. And then he eats his cum out of a peach. No one cares if it's a big, big, big gay lady, you know?

Yeah. So I'll bring the boy and maybe I'll try to seduce, whatever happens. So what are the other movies? Stranger by the Lake? No, God no. That one's really dicey. That's a deep cut. Clueless, and then the wife was like, Clueless, but he's gay in the movie. He comes out as a big, big gay. He's a gay eater. He's a cake eater, friend of Dorothy. Right. So then the next one is Gladiator 2, because the king is gay. They're really... So it's just a movie with a gay guy? I know! That's like a pot with chucks.

Yeah. And then the third, the fourth, which is the one I'm going to go see, you'll never guess. Not in a million years! Okay, you're going to see it. It's got a gay person or a gay thing. Barely. Barely gay. Drop a gay. Is it 4th of July? Because I'm barely gay. Oh, okay. Barely gay. It's not Philadelphia because that's very gay. Why don't they have Philadelphia? They could have done Philadelphia, Brokeback, Stranger by the Lake. That would be my list.

That would be nice. But Philadelphia is a bit of a bummer fest. Well, so is Stranger by the Lake. That's true. Let me try to guess. Never going to guess Star Trek Troopers. No, is that gay? No, I don't know.

I just went with a movie that I thought was kind of... It's definitely got a gay underbelly. Rocky V? No. That guy has AIDS. Oh, is that right? Tommy Morrison. Didn't he die of AIDS?

I think so. In real life? Yeah. Ah, Tommy Gunn. They got in the prep. Star Wars? No. Who's gay in that job? I'm just naming movies. It's kind of a gay movie. I don't know.

It's a trap. Dog Day Afternoon! Oh, nice. Wow, I could have got that. You threw me off the scent. Well, it's a trans thing, really. Well, but he's gay too. He's married to a guy and he wants to transition. That's so ahead of its time, by the way. Everybody's like, Hey, I know a trans person. I'm a good egg. And then you're like, that was 1974 or whatever the hell it was. Yeah. But I'm not a homosexual. Yeah. My favorite, favorite, well, top 10, top 12.

And it's a good one to close on, because it's set in Brooklyn. Yeah. So there you go. Wow, I think it's the anniversary, too. Ooh. What a piece of cinema. Oh, yeah, Attica. They just set him up as a homosexual.

Yeah, that's what they yelled when they found Anne Frank. Attica! Hey! Okay. Hiya folks, Tuesdays with stories. This week is brought to you by Shopify. Ready for a silent business partner that stays silent? Boy, I'm thrilled for that. Get the best partner for opening up an online store with Shopify. With hundreds of ready-to-use templates, Shopify helps you build an online store to match your brand style. Not so good at writing? Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling. Shopify is your commerce expert with expertise in everything from managing inventory to international

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slash Tuesdays. One more time. That's Shopify.com slash Tuesday more time. That's Shopify.com. Tuesdays. Yay! You got that right. Hey folks, Chew's Stories brought to you by Blue Chew. Guys, enter the room dick first with Blue Chew.

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Head to bluchu.com for details and safety info. Blu Chu! Yeah, what a goddamn film. That is one of the greats ever. Soft drinks only. So many memorable lines. Oh yeah. Maybe get some beers back here. No, the soft drinks only. What's the name of that guy? The other guy in the movie, John Cazale. Yeah. What a run he had. He's in five movies and they were

all nominated for best picture. A couple of one. Pretty good. Yeah. Godfather, Godfather two and then died of cancer. And then the real character in real life was like 20 years old, but they're like, we don't care. We wantelle put him in there whoa yeah gotta love a gazelle what a fucking movie gazelle away all right sorry I hijacked with the gay park and the 11,000 men getting fucked in the ass I gotta sneeze it's right on the cusp is there a country you want to go to Wyoming Wyoming that Wyoming. That's not a country. It's okay. I'll take care of it. Fuck the snow. Anyways, I could really get in there and do some lines from movies. Well, let me tell you about my hot date with your wife.

Awkward. I have hung out with your wife more than you. I mean, I just, everywhere I go, we're out galavanting. I'll venmo you. And please, it would be nice. But so I got the hot Dr. Dog show Saturday night, Forest Hills, and I love the dog. I've seen them now, I don't know, 10, 12 times. Wow. And missed the big New Year's one 2020 because of goddamn COVID. Fucking bat in a wet market. It was so gay because that was the time when you needed to show up with a negative test. Oh my lord. That's gayer than the movies in the

park. That's what fucked us. So you get COVID, you miss out, it was supposed to be their last, was the last, this is interesting, the last tour. That's how they get you. That was their last tour. I thought it. So I thought that meant this is their last show. Right. So did I. But then they put out an album and they're doing shows. They're just not touring. Okay. So like this is, well, they're playing a show here or show there. They're not doing like we're doing 40 cities and 60 nights. They're like, I will play forest hills and then we'll play this. Yeah, it's very good. I thought they were going to put that dog down. I know. But I mean, I'm

grateful they did it. Same. So you do three shows in a year. That's not a tour. Sure. I gotcha. I think that's what they're going for there. It's like Ari. Yeah. Except not as good. except not as good. But anyway, so I was going to Dr. Dog, Saturday night, hot date, we get the babysitter and our regulars weren't available so we got like a friend of a friend. Nice. But new babysitter. Why don't you hit up that Emily gal if you need somebody, I'll give you the number. Who's Emily? That's the blonde you met the other day.

Oh yeah, we had a nice time up there. She's a very nice lady and gets the job done. Yeah maybe I'll get her. Just if you're in a pinch. Alright I'll pinch my cock but what do you think about those traps they put on your dick? You know what I'm talking about? Condoms? Yeah. What? Trash. Cock cage. A cock cage. You ever see that? No. That's where they keep chickens? They put a little cage on your cock so when you try to get hard it can't go. It seems very unpleasant. What? Yeah, that's my scene. Is this a Muslim thing?

I don't know about this cock cage. I don't think the Muslims are allowed to do that stuff. Oh. No, they put a cage on your cock and then they tickle your balls so it's like a torture thing. Who does this? BDSM kind of stuff. Yeah, it's kind of a BDSM. What's going on in this Turner Cruise? Barry Darwin syndrome myth Oh, it's a torture thing. Yeah, but I think it's a sex like, you know, some people are into you know

People get ballganged. Right, right. People get bukkakeed Yeah, some people they strap their cock down and then they shove things in their ass or whatever It is so your dick is like You know Let me try to get a motor you Chuck you kiss them on the lips and all your dick down. You'll see okay, okay? Cock cage I'll give that you've heard of a cock case get out of here I've never heard of a cock cage, and'm learning a lot. You got a photo of it? Yeah, I'll find it.

There we go. Let's ruin that algorithm. Go to your favorites and just pull it right up. Yeah, I think it's the wallpaper. Anyways, why did I talk about that? Cock cage. Duck and dog. Cage. Dog day afternoon.

Yeah! There it is. That's sleek. That looks nice. It looks like racing stripes on the dick. Wow! That's like a banana tree. That thing is beautiful. That's a beautiful cock. I haven't seen a cock cage that nice since my father left me. We had Stephen Hawking here and I put him in a cock cage immediately. So anyways, I got tickets to Dr. Dog, it was my birthday present from my wife. Gauge the elephant. And we're gonna go together, we get the babysitter, we're all set to go. And then the baby gets a horrible rash. First of all, he has like a diaper rash, which sucks. It's the summertime, whatever. was bad but fine and manageable. I go out Sarah

had an afternoon show on Saturday so I got him. I take him. I don't want to get too personal here but it's bad so I'm like I'm just going to the doctor. I'm just taking him straight to the doctor because you get the medicated creams. Yes. The over the counter is good but when it gets bad you go to the doctor they just go hey here you go here's your hypercotazone, vitamin A, whatever. That's very rational. Okay. Go over there. I said, hey, this boy needs some creams, look at his dick and balls.

Okay, we get the creams. You get right. Is it an urgent care? No. Well, here's the thing. Dr. Dog. Saturday afternoon in the summer, nobody's making a doctor's appointment. Like, give me the 3.30 afternoon summertime. They're out gallivanting in the park. Yeah, people have plans. So I called

at 2.40 and I was like, hey, I got a baby with a rash over here. I'd like to get him some medicated medicine. And they go, we got a 3.20. And I said, great, I'm walking over now. Love it. And we were out of there at 328 You go to Walgreens you get the thing, but he was very upset and sure you're like, you don't want a first-time Babysitter okay. He's got a herpes outbreak. It's a good point put this on his thing. He's very upset So Sarah decides why don't you just go? I think she was happy to get out of it also. Ah Bummer and you're bummed because you have a date night. It's exciting.

Yes. But there's also part of it. You know, we're very solo kinds of guys. I'm used to traveling around the world. Loner. By myself. So part of you is like, not the end of the world. I work alone.

I'm more into the band than she is. And you want to date because you want to keep up, you know, datey things, whatever. Sure, sure. But you go, yeah, you stay home. Plus, we save $100 on the babysitter. Oh, yeah. So I go, all right.

I'm heading out to Forest Hills by myself. I pop in the AirPods, which is nice, because sometimes, and Matt Wayne, he's a brilliant guy. Him and his wife, they have a rule on the subway. They put their AirPods in. Wow, rule? I mean, I don't know about a rule. Well they have a rule on the subway. They put their AirPods in. Wow, rule? I mean, I don't know about a rule. Well, not a rule.

Don't get stuck on the rule. I'm just saying. Sorry, sorry. But they go, hey, AirPods. Y'all rule. Because sometimes you feel like, I hate talking on that subway. It's awkward.

Because you're like, hey, maybe tonight I could shove my thumb in my own ass while you blow me. Sure. And people go, what is that? I know. We've got these people around. I know, they're like, hey, maybe tonight I could shove my thumb in my own ass while you blow me. And people go, what is that? We've got these people around. I know. They're listening, Jerry. Yes.

So, and you're just awkward. You're sitting like this, there's a fat asshole in front of you, and you're trying to like, oh boy, this is great. It's no good. I like it. I actually like it. You're just popping your AirPods, we'll listen to music, and then when we get off the subway, we're back together.

I would throw flights in there too. Oh, I think most couples are doing that. You gotta go to an AirPod on a flight. Yeah, nobody's talking to their wife on a flight. I know, because you're like, we're going to be on here for literally three hours, top to bottom, what are we going to do? Catch up? Right.

We caught up in the Uber. Mustard. I was about to say that. Uh-huh. We don't talk on the plane because I'm in first class and she's in the back. I've been there. England, we did that. So, I think your honeymoon you did that. But, uh...

Anyways, got this motherfucker right here. What a picture. That's a hell of a picture, that white man ketchup. Ah, fantastic film. Rod Shelton. Yes, yes, Shelton. So, I get out there, I head out to Forest Hills, and then. Ron Shelton. Yes, yes, Shelton. So, I get out there, I head out to Forest Hills, and then you have this thing, like, this is what New York is like.

You're like, should I take the E to the F or the F to the 7? Should I take the bus? Should I take the, should I why? I'm just sitting there like my brain. Well, the world is your oyster, and also it's kind of nice, like, it's always great to go out with the lady and have a nice date night and get your ass fingered, but don't you feel like they slow you down on the train? I feel like without a lady, I am cruising Joe, but with a lady, you're kind of like, oh, she's looking through her purse.

Where's my Metro card? Oh, there's a tampon. It's bloody. Oh, what's this? Birth control. You're like, come on, we missed three trains. Plus it's easier to get a seat if there's not two of you. Yes.

It's easy. You're faster, you're quicker. Plus I like to make this what I like about the world I like I can make the food decisions I'm gonna slice and a cookie because with the with a partner or a friend you gotta be like well I don't I had a slice earlier Tacos well, I had a taco two days right so I go Tuesday There's there's no dilly-d. Just boom, go get what you want. Boom, bang, boom. So I jump on the sub.

I took the four or five, by the way, right to 59th and Lex. Got the F train, two Express train. Nothing better than Express Express. Took me 40 minutes to get there. I get out there. It's a beautiful day. Forest Hills is fucking spectacular. It's unreal.

It's one of the coolest places, coolest venue. The US Open was there for years. They shot the Tennessee and the Royal Tenenbaum's there. Hey Arthur Ashe! He's taking off both his shoes and one of his socks. Arthur Ashe is a different stadium. Damn it. That's where the Open is now. Where's that? That's at the US Open, the World's Fair thing, the tennis center. Ah shit, I fucked up. Ah, that's all right. I told a guy that was the same one. I was talking to a guy recently, and he's like, I was like, ah, Dr. Dog, and he goes,

is that the Arthur Ashe? I went, oh yeah, duh. No, the Sports Hills Stadium in the actual Arthur Ashe. Arthur Ashe is the biggest tennis stadium in the world. Wow, what's that, Jamaica or Flushing? I think that's Flushing. I see. I don't think it's Flushing, it's Flushing.

Okay. But which is a crazy name for a neighborhood. Not good. I live in Flushing, it's Flushing. Okay. But which is a crazy name for a neighborhood. Not good. I live in Flushing. And very Asian. Well just saying that L is a little rough. Flushing. Yes, frustrated.

So yeah, you go out to the hills, it's Colonial over there. What do you call that architecture? I think Colonial maybe? Colonizer. I don't know about Colonial actually. Dutch? Quaker? Quaker. Oats. State. Yeah, I don't know, colonial actually. Dutch? Quaker? Quaker. Old state. Yeah I don't know

but it's something it's very it's a different world over there it's like old England. It's awesome and Sarah wants to live there she's like we can live there we can get a house it's very beautiful but you're far away. Chris Dees used to live there and I did his pod it was like going to Cincinnati. Yeah it's no good. I had to get off Cleveland. But Cleveland? Ah. Flight to Cleveland? But anyways, we get out there, and it's nice and quiet. The show's, I'm there early, and there's no line.

Usually you're packed in, going to security. Nobody's there. So I'm like, well, it must be early, or maybe I'm a little late. I go in, perfect afternoon. You got a text. Oh, I wish you were here. Yeah. Yeah. I go in. But now it's awkward because, you know, we're doing pretty well. We're successful comedians.

And there's a lot of crossover with bands and comedy. Yeah. Like you get I get recognized some places here, there, over there. But a doctor dog, that's just a lot of crowd, cause it's hip, cool guys. Yes, yes. White guys in their 30s, 40s, which tends to be our demographic. You got that right, Fetty. So I'm touched, I'm getting recognized left and right,

but I'm a loser. I got, I'm by myself. You're alone. I'm at a rock and roll show alone. I got the foam finger, my face is painted. Ah, black face. I got, you know, the band shirt, I got Dr. Dog t-shirt, I got Wilco sweatpants.

Your post alone. Yeah, and I go in and it's, hey, Joe List, who's gay? What's up, man? Where's Mark? Where's Sarah? Yeah, who you with? Where's the baby? Mark's taking a shit and Sarah's, you know, she's blowing the bass player And it's literally every five minutes Joe list I'm such an insecure piece of shit. I'm like my wife says she's you know, get the hot dog, right, right? They're like, okay So I go over I go to the the merch tent I go here I go there everywhere Hey, there is like Jesus and I got GA floor seats So I go over, I go to the merch tent, I go here, I go there, everywhere, hey there he is! I'm like, ah Jesus.

And I got GA floor seats, so I go to the floor and now it's like half full and everyone can see me. Now everyone's like, hey JoWa! And now I realize there's going to be 14 people watching me react to a concert. Ah, now you can't relax because you're being watched. Yes, and I'm 6'7 and wearing a gay red hat with a propeller on it. Ah, like Trump. So everyone's just looking like, oh, there he is, oh, he likes this song,

his arms are crossed, oh, he looks at his phone. Oh, God, that's my nightmare. It's literally the worst nightmare and there's no place you want to be less self-conscious than a rock and roll show. Yeah, you want to cut loose. And I'm still cutting loose and then I go, all right, let me go get a bottle of water. I bump into Jim Toos, my gay partner according to Nick Mullen. Check out his book, the Cat Book. Cat Book, yes. He just released a special. Oh, hey! I'm not a David, can you look that up? Jim Toos is a very funny guy. From Cleveland, by the way hey fat Tuesday Jim twos special twos is

spelled T E W S he's a twos gay anyway so I see him didn't even recognize him because he's got dressed like Hunter S Thompson he had a bucket hat and sunglasses I was like I need to borrow that yeah right you need a full-on what's that a witness protect oh yes Looks like Jim Tooze with pictures is the name of his special. With pictures. Came out two weeks ago. Oh, one of his good visual aids, like Africa. Folks, Tuesdays with stories this week

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slash Tuesdays. Support our show and let them know we sent you. Summer's here, dressed like it with Chubby's. Here, are. Rupert. Okay, so. Cut it out. I see twos. Yeah, twos, Ken. I see Robert Dean. Remember Dean's List? That's where we became buds.

I love Dean. Dean is good. Dean of Students. Jimmy Dean. Well, that's where we kind of started hanging out was the Dean's List. Oh, Mike, Tuesday's on the crew. That's's. That's right. That's right. Dean's a good egg. Every Tuesday, five o'clock.

And then I bump into one Mae Plannert. Never heard of her. So I go, hey. I go, oh, hey, what the hell? This is crazy. So now it's Jim Tews, TJ Young, Robert Dean. Wow, what is this, 2009? And her two buddies, so I don't know who they were, she was kissing one of them on the neck.

God! I thought that was weird. Fucking black guy. And she had the trophy room, some special room. Wow, if only she appreciated it. I go, what's that, the trophy room? She goes, I don't know, I didn't feel like coming, but I got free tickets.

Wait, she didn't want to go? Well, she said, I don't know the band. She said something. Oh, no, I'm like, she didn't want to go. Well, she said, I don't know the band. Oh, I'm going to have to hit her. She said, I got free tickets. So I left the baby alone. And I go, that'll be fun. So then I asked the door lady, whatever you call it, security lady, I go, what time's the headlining band come out?

She says 730. I go, OK. So I walk into the stadium. It's like 714. It's like 40% full and broad daylight. I'm like, they're coming out walk into the stadium. It's like 714. It's like 40% full and broad daylight. I'm like, they're coming out in 10 minutes. Ouch. I'll show you the photos. We'll put the photo right here. Oh, I'd love to see it. I was like, this is weird.

So then I bump into Jim twos. And he's like, No, no, that's just the second opener. They come on at 730. Well, that makes more sense. Okay, so we catch up. I go, I'll come find you general admission because I have general admission. Now we can sit together. GA. So I go, go alright. I'm gonna go buy some merch and a hot dog and shove it my ass and I'll come meet you guys So I go walk in I hear music play. I go. There's the other opening band. They suck whoever really no good Well, I don't know. I'm outside the stadium Shirt and buying a hot dog. I get a text's Jim Tews he goes I fucked up this

is Doug so I'm just out lollygagging I'm missing the show yeah damn it I puked up the hot dog I put the shirt on I run in catch the band they play 29 songs Wow but then your wife leaves the trophy room she comes and joins us what you didn't use the VIP So now I'm even more self-conscious because you're what you know she's a comic she's a cynical lady she likes to be like look at this dork, look at this homo, I hate this lady. You got that right. So now I got her in my priff and I'm self-conscious because I like I'm a queef I like to. Well she gets it, get in there. I'm like doing this but I just see. Oh maybe don't do that.

Your wife looking at me like and I see her texting I'm like she's texting Mark Joseph homo what was she writing it wasn't great yeah she's like a cock cage he's dancing his eyes are closed like I got my eyes closed yes you had a tube top on cutoffs and nipple tassels it was bad and then I got two's right behind me and she's over there so I was very self-conscious and then a couple came up from Atlanta, like we did, well, Pittsburgh, and they do the thing where they stand in front of, very nice,

but they were like, we love you, we saw you in Pittsburgh. And I go, oh, it's nice to see you. I'm trying to look at the band. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, good to meet you. And then they're over there. So now I got your wife who hates me watching. I got Jim Tews who's on drugs watching me.

Sure. I got these fans over here watching me. These people recognize me. So I was all in my head. Wow, bad place to be in the head. But still a great, great show. And I felt fortunate that I had buddies. Yes.

Because it felt weird being by yourself. But sometimes by yourself at a concert's not the worst. I've been to a lot of shows by myself. You want to listen. You don't want to talk anyway. The only problem with that is you get you got to go home and you want to talk about the concert or the movie or whatever you saw with the with the friend.

Right. Like Sarah's just in bed. She's like she's watching Real Housewives or Sex and the City. She's like never been happier. All right. Well, everybody wins. Yeah. So it was a great show anyways we love the dog kick-ass show I wish they would do a full tour but please it was great. I know I got a text from the the tour guy he's a gay so they're gonna hear this. What?

That's what I'm saying he texted me he's like it's names Frank great guy and he was like hey do you want to go to the Dr. Dog show they're never gonna play New York again they're put the dog down. He's got rabies. Here we go. And I'm like, ah, I'm in Wisconsin. So I texted the lady. I should have texted you, but you already had tickets. I already had tickets. The trophy room stinks. And I, you know, this is, this is crazy. I'm a huge dog pounder. Yeah. I've been to like 14 shows. In fact, I did a festival with them like, whoa, years ago. You're in Paw Patrol.

All right. All right. Try it here. Yeah. So that's crazy. I'm bummed. I'd love to see them. Yeah, it's a hell of a show. And lyrics are really great. They have great smart lyrics that no one talks about. Well, they're a tremendous band. I'm still upset about that New Year's Eve show. Makes me want to just shoot myself right in the tits. I told you that was the one COVID. In their hometown, we had the big plans, we had the hotel, we were headed to Philly and again people will be like, well why don't you just go just because you had COVID? I'm like, well you literally needed to show a test. It was 2020. It was the heart of the matter. Wow. Bummer. Heart of the fatter.

Rupert. So glad that's over. Yeah, me too. Rupert. So anyways, you wanna throw something in there? Well, we just bullshitted for 45 minutes. Well, I just gotta say, I wanna give a shout out to the nice people of Wisconsin

because boy, it's a bitch getting there. We did Wausau. Wausau? That's what a town name. Wausau, Wausauf. Wausau, Wausauf and you know it's one of these like you never heard of it before you got to take six flights to get there we finally get to Wausau show is unbelievable killer show then we drove from Wausau to Green Bay that night whoa which I love I get a couple of beers in me, a couple of cocktails, and you do a two hour drive and you talk comedy and it's just the best. That's a good feeling. And then you land in Green Bay, check into the hotel and you crash.

But we do a thing. Sean Murphy opened. We do a thing called Stand Up Roulette. You familiar? I think he told us about this. I think I did. He sets up a whole playlist with every Tom, Dick and Anal you can think of. And then we listen to a track and then we analyze it. And it's so fun. Then you give it a one out of 10. So we had a great time. And then Green Bay, boy, these towns are like stuck in the fifties. They're clean. There's no graffiti. There's the main street. There's the little general store and no blacks. It's crazy. I love everything except the last part. I love diversity. Well, welcome to the neighborhood. This neighborhood is not even diverse. It's just all black. Remember that Gilbert Garfrey? I just got

back from Africa. It's all black now. I don't remember that. That's great. That's a great one. But how about this? So we're in Green Bay. We got a hot theater show. AC breaks. I feel like you always have something happening at these shows. So it's 5 p.m. I get a tour manager text. Hey, show's going to be hot. The show's full, but the AC's done. So good luck.

And it's just like one of these record 100 million degree days and you're like, Green Bay of all places, the coldest place on the planet has no AC. Yeah, it's probably dusty and rusty. Exactly. They never use it. Those are my dogs. So, Dr. Dog. So yeah, we had to do a show.

I'm like a black preacher up there. Sean gets off, he's poor and sweaty. Looks like Jordan Peele in that Key and Peele meme. I get up there, I wear a jacket, jeans, and a cock cage. And I go up and I'm just like, so can you believe this? And then it just, I came off of that stage. I looked like, what's that guy's name? From American from American Idol Ruben stuttered Rupert? Thank you

Looks like Rupert Rupert doing anything. Yeah in the winter. Okay Rupert the air conditioning store Rupert likes us, right? But yeah, so that was brutal then we had a 7 a.m. flight back and I landed here at one o'clock and just got that baby day. Direct flight? No, I wish. Green Bay had to go to Detroit. Delta one minute layover. What does that mean? Landed at 1020.

The next flight boarded at 1021. That's insane. They booked you on that? It's insane. And they booked me and I went to the desk in Green Bay and I go, is this crazy? Is this going to work? And he goes, you'll make it. And I go, I don't think I will. You might have to put me on a later flight. He's like, you're going to make it. And I made it. Wow. Yeah, but it was, it was one of those run run Rudolph. And then we landed. We had the best baby day.

I took the baby to the park. I waited till the sun went down a little bit, put a blanket out there, got a couple of drinks and some Thai food and just sat in the park with the baby. And it was a great night. Oh, that's a good feeling. Then I watched the Ben Laden doc and fucking jerked off. Was he Thai? Ben Laden? Yeah fucking jerked off. Was he Thai? Ben Laden? Yeah, something like that. I think he was Afghani or Iraqi. Mmm. One of those. Definitely not Thai.

He was tied up. But yeah, what a doc! Get in there! I want you to talk to somebody about it. Well, I watched the first episode. I think it was Saudi. Maybe Saudi. Yeah, Saudi. Good good car big Saudi guy. Yeah So yeah, just a boy that they go in they got footage of shooting the guy it's insane They've been sitting on this for 10 10 weeks 10 weeks 10 years 10 years Yeah, that been loud and he was a real son of an onion and I think we talked about this recently on a podcast wasn't here But when they shot him, I was at home. What did I talk about this here? You talk wasn't here, but when they shot him I was at home What did I talk about this here? You talked about the live app? Is that right? Oh, yeah?

Yeah, but that by the way that live app people hate the live ups Not that one that was a humdinger lunch was special, but yeah been loud and fucked that guy in the ass I have the time magazine with his face and the red X. Oh, yeah I kept that thing. Just so cool seeing Obama go, we got him. Yeah. Oh, there's no complaining. These dudes, these SEAL Team 6, they go out there and the guy's like, I'm probably gonna die here, but we gotta go in. Like they have no fear. They just go right towards the eye of the devil. That's the gig. That is the gig. And they show him with his kids. Now that we have kids, it hits gig. And they show him with his kids.

And now that we have kids, it hits different. Well, when you think about it, we're very similar. Yes, we're SEAL Team Twix. We got to go out there. You know, you can't fear it. Anything can happen. Yes. That mic is like an AK-47, if you think about it.

You got that right, Fetty. Yeah, we're mowing them down. You got that right. They bomb, Yeah, we're mowing them down. You got that right. They bomb, we bomb. We're killing. We kill, they kill. Yes.

We're basically military. Ah, easily. I went to Iraq. That's true. So. My wife's got Iraq. Ah, tits. Thank you.

Boy, you're really yes-anding today, huh? Well, I mean, I couldn't, I didn't get it at first, and then I got it. Alright. Tits. Tits, Jerry. That's a yes-and. Ah. Tits. Tits.

Rack tits. Yeah. Rack'em. What's rack'em and stack'em? That's, uh, pool. No, that's just rack'em. Uh, sh- Rack'em and stack'em, I think, is like, uh- Beers? I think they say at the end of Rushmore

in Vietnam. Oh, maybe it's shoot them and then pile them up. Yeah, but what's the Rack? That's different than Stack? Because Stack is Stack, like the Mausoleum. I think it's the ammunition. Rackham. Give it a go. I've never heard Rack'em and Stack'em, but I like it. I think that's what he says at the end of his play. What's that with the robots? Rock'em Sock'em. Oh, you got a Rock'em and then you sock'em. Yeah. What's the Rock'em? Yeah. That's the Sock'em Rock's'em. That's true. It should be Sock'em and Rock'em. Sock'em, which Rock's'em? Sodom and Gomorrah. This is a weird description, but this is what it says. Stratification is the rack and stack process

senior raiders use to identify their top promotion eligible master sergeants and senior master sergeants. I don't even know what that means. I don't buy it. It's what it says, rack and stack. It's Wikipedia. All right. I don't know.

I don't know. Why do they think it's got Wiki? It says, well, no, no, no. Hold on. It's weird. That I don't think anything got wiki. It says, well, no, no, no. You know, hold on. It's weird. That's what it says in the official definition, but then someone is describing it as, like, killing people and putting them on top of each other. That makes more sense.

I guess racum means, oh, maybe rack, because racket is like when you go like... Oh, yes. Isn't that rack? I think it is. You have to rack the gun. Yeah, yeah, racket. And then you stack them. There you go. Yeah, the other racum stack I seen is that I saw just now is from the United States Air Force is what this describes.

There you go. Very strange. That's what you want. Call in if you were in So yeah good weekend, but boy it's hard to get away from that kid like you miss him She's sending me photos and I'm like I had to pull a you what do you mean I made the kid my wallpaper I'm just staring at this guy make the wallpaper right off the bat I had to earn it oh boy he earned it wait let's say Chuck tap my phone will you just tap the phones over there yeah wow look at that face look at that kid come on face I can't really see you got the tinted phone there I know I got that's a lot of text. That's a hell of

a face. That is a cute mug. Good mug. All right. I've become that guy now. Mug Costanza. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a great face. Well, it was fun playing with him the other day. We got him to roll over. It was very exciting. I mean, we kind of assisted a little bit. Yeah. He got a pull on the arm. It popped out of its place a little bit. Yeah. Well, I wanted to see him. He was sleeping. Yeah, he's a sleepy queen. He sleeps through the night now and then he gets up. It's huge. He gets up. I play with him for an hour and he falls asleep. I'm like, boy, you're a real lazy piece of garbage. Yeah, he's like a dog. Just sleeping the day away. Lions sleep 20 hours a day. I learned that from Miss Rachel. 20 hour? 20 hour a day. That's why when you go to the zoo, they're sleeping.

Yeah, you're right. 20 hours. Boy, the zoo is always a letdown, isn't it? Yeah, the zoo, I never got the zoo. Or the aquarium, really. Aquarium, it's majestic a little. There's a stingray whipping around your face and a seal going, er, er, I'm in the Navy. But then the zoo, it's like, I think that's a gorilla over there, it's in a tree, it's gay, it's hiding.

But I think the, remember that time, this is one of the worst things we ever did. Remember with that we thought, we went and did the live one at the Boston Comedy Festival, I think. Oh, that was bad. And I thought, well get Bulger and Alvin, Big Al David. Yeah.

By the way, Tom Dutton's wedding, I'm officiating. Big Al's the best man. Boy, what are you, an 11, 12 now? Four. A fish? Four. Four, and then I gave a speech at your wedding. I'm at five consecutive weddings

where I have a responsibility. Yeah, thank God you're sober. Yeah, well. You would've said the N-word now in a speech. I'm a very popular guy. I guess you're sober. Yeah, you would have said the N word now in a speech I'm a very popular guy. I guess so. I'm a go-to. People want something spiritual. They come right to me Yes spirit, two-spirit But what the hell was I saying? Who cares? You don't drink spirits, but you'll Spiritual. No, I never understood spirit. I never heard people like...

In the Eagles, the Hotel California, they say, we haven't had that spirit here. I like spirit. Because it's... you drink it, and you become this different thing. The spirit's got me chief. Yeah, exactly. And this thing is kind of a clever name. You know what else I like is liquid fear.

Or liquid courage. Liquid courage. That's good. But like, do you ever hear people using spirits like earnestly? Only at the bar. It's like, let's get some booze, let's get some liquor, let's get some cocktails. It's never like, let's have some spirits. Yeah. But they'll say it at the bar.

They'll be like spirits. Wine and spirits. Yeah. You see that a lot. But it's very old school. Is that Sam Jay? I thought the same fucking thing. It literally looks like her. Yeah. It's a fat guy with a hat. I was telling something.

Oh yeah. What was it? What was that? Spirits. Oh, officiating. Tom Dustin. Oh yeah. Or somebody.

Why was I saying that? Big Al's wedding? Oh The tough live epitome I have photos of us at that aquarium We did the live ep and I thought this is my genius idea We'll get bulger and Alvin and then will the whole episode will just be talking about our day We're gonna do a Ferris Bueller's day off. We went to the aquarium went to Little Italy Ain't Italian. They've had a. Wow, I forgot about that.

And then I was like, okay, here we go. But nothing happened. This is the thing about life. You can't just force a story. You can't force anything. Also, when you have a cigar, it's like a 90 minute sit. Nothing's happening. That's true.

It's the least action-packing of all time. You're just like, all right, so. It might go out and relight it. That's about it. That's about the biggest, craziest part. It's like a relationship. So then you go to the podcast and you're just like, yeah, we went to the aquarium, there was some fish. Yeah, I got a photo of a boulder blowing a seal or whatever.

Blowfish. So you've got to, that's the thing with the story, you need to hope something goes horribly wrong. Yeah, sadly, yes. And I noticed that too. I went to China. Ha-dong-dong Sadly, yes. And I noticed that too. I went to China. Ha-dong-dong.

People were like, build that wall. But people were like, how was China? And I go, it was amazing. I had the food. I saw a monkey. I had an apple. And they go, huh? But if you go, hey, I got explosive diarrhea.

And then I shit blood. And then fuck my dad. They go, OK. Right. People want bad things yeah well negativity bias we got we got to figure out how to have bad things happen but not horrible yeah guys freaking me out I don't know why he's he looks like Robert Durst.

Oh God. It's all about the nookie. God, they suck. I know, I saw them live. Yikes. They have free tickets. Champagne room or whatever. You get a lot of tickets. It's due to my parking. But yeah, so

officiated another wedding, when's it going to you should start charging? I know it's it's frustrating because you're honored and then once you say yeah, I said yes to Siobhan. I can't say no to Tom. That's true. So Finally someone I care about by the way, I did Siobhan and and Rana and forget boy, we gotta up the ante but But I'm looking. Breastless. But, uh, I'm looking forward to that Dustin wedding. That's going to be fun. But it's a lot of, and I think a best man's speech is easier because you can be a little more

silly and, and you only got to talk about one person really. Right. When you're the fishie and you got to talk about this woman you don't care about. You got that right. You got to be like, this guy's the man and she's got Ted. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Can't believe she's with him. There's a little of that there. Yeah, so we did some of that.

But you also have to be like, we gather here the holy God of love is going to bless your balls. And the best man, you could be a little bit more like, all right, you're a fucking homo, but I love you, whatever. How'd you get her? It's always that, how'd you? We don't know how. Boy, Jennifer, you're really fucking homo, but I love you, whatever. How'd you get her? It's always that, how'd you? We don't know how. Boy, Jennifer, you're really slumming.

When he first came around, we thought you were gonna be, yeah, it's that shit. Exactly, exactly. But I think, yeah, you're better than her. No. Come on. I'm a very lucky guy. You got abs, you got money.

She's got a vagina and an asshole. No, she's great, I love her. I guess I have an asshole. Yeah, you do. It's nice. He's right here. So, oh. Ah. Well, folks, we got three more episodes to do in the next 10 minutes. Yeah, I'm trying to stretch that Wisconsin thing a little further. What day is this? I have no idea what month we're in. July 14th.

July 14th? Wow, good for us. I told you, I told you I'm trying to, I'm doing my best to schedule this out, man. Holy shit. I'm working around your schedules. It's also weird because we're addressing the war. It's probably over.

I know. Oh, God. I mean, like New York City could be gone by now. I know, that's what I was thinking. That's true, hey, God willing. We're gonna look like fucking idiots. All right, well this weekend I'm in Burlington, Vermont. Hey, I was just there.

Vermont Comedy Club, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then next Thursday I'm in Northampton, and next Saturday I'm at Woodstock, New York at some venue, I don't know, and September 11th through 13th Denver Comedy Comedy Works one of the best so come on get in there. Hell yeah you got there boy a lot of good clubs good run you got there. Fatty I'm going to Australia Melbourne New Zealand that whole thing and then we're off to Calgary for the great outdoors Comedy Fest Las Vegas Nevada at the Palazzo. We got Skank Fest coming up. I'm at Addison Improv in Dallas, Dayton and Akron, Ohio at the theater there. Ottawa and

something else. But then the big one, Huntsville, Alabama, Hattiesburg, but I'm shooting a special in Boulder, Colorado in Boulder. Hey! Colorado in September. So please sell that Boulder out. We're going to try to get it in two shows and just nail it. That's exciting. And then if we don't nail it there, we'll go to DC.

If we don't nail it there, we'll go to San Diego. So but come to all these. These are hot cities, hot towns, and let's make magic. And then it's on to Chicago and we're going to win there. Yeah, rack them Bobby Kennedy the real one that's exciting Boulder yeah yeah Boulder apparently it's this great comedy town it's a it's a Denver offshoot and no one they've done a bunch of specials there something about this theater

people like no shit yeah I'm excited we'll see how it goes chuckles roll that Boulder up a hill What do you got there, Chuckster? Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We just put out a live episode, which was the Narragansett Beers Fun Bearable Summer Bash. Yeah. And we're going to sell the collaboration merch of the hot dog, the Brad's Hot Dog Seltzer with my co-host Brad and the Narragansett Fun Bearable collab shirt, both available now. Grab them funbearablepod.com and watch the live episode. Yeehaw! We got a Patreon is cooking, we got all kinds of backstage stuff, we got a live app

cooking that was hot, we got all kinds of cool shit. Live app, that's already out right? That was awesome. Oh yeah. That was cool, but we got back behind the stage, what's it called? Behind the scenes stuff from that, We got in the car. Yeah, the car. Yeah, it's a three parter, that was awesome. And we have all those riffs there, the couch stuff, that was big. Oh yeah.

And that sesh thing is coming out someday, right? Yeah, yeah, I have a plan for it. Okay. I'll tell you afterwards. All right, great. Very exciting. Next year. Okay, what?

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