Tuesdays with Stories! - #614 Nobody Beats the Gill

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

Joe deals with an airplane stickler and has a biiiiiig donut confrontation! Mark goes to Oregon as well as San Jose - and then hits us all with an ice cream conspiracy! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays - Get 50% off plus free shipping on your first Factor box. Use code TUESDAYS50OFF at https://www.factormeals.com/TUESDAYS50OFF

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Les! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is fitting at me and I can't choose what I want. Hey, here we are! We're back folks! We're in the same outfit and I just love the bathing suit. Yeah, I love these

green shots. That's why I put them on every week. Me too yeah Bodega Cat just trying to rep and this is Chubbies love those Chubby I got a Chubby. Oh yeah I'm supposed to get some Chubbies or someone I heard Chubbies are great. Chubbies is top-notch shit and we're you know we're not even maybe we are sponsored by them right now. I don't think so. Are we? Yeah, they wrote us. Remember we picked out all those shorts. That's all I wear. We picked out the bathing suits. I didn't pick out a bathing suit. I'll send it to you again. Send it back to me. I'm sure you got it. I need a free bathing suit. You got to have a bathing suit for this summer weather. Oh, we're going to the pool tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm gonna be all over that shuffleboard court. Uber pool. Well, this is what's

hard with the pool. The baby loves the pool, but you gotta, I mean, I gotta like crouch down because you can't. So I'm on my like, I'm in like catcher position just doing this. Right. And then he thinks he can swim. So he jumps up and he sinks. He swallows the water. The whole time I'm just on my knees and you know, and you gotta, I just wear my glasses

in the pool because there's so many hot broads in Terrence building. So I gotta, I gotta be able to see because there's just snatch everywhere. I know, I bring a Polaroid. But now let me ask you this, where are you guys at on throwing the baby in? Like this whole learn, teach the kid to swim by just throwing them in the ocean and walking away

and going to get lunch. I think it's horrible. It comes up in my Twitter feed. Me too. I put in like, I don't want to see this. Ha ha ha ha! But I mean, obviously they're not going to let the kid die. No, but it's still traumatic.

The kid's like, blah blah blah blah! I know. I don't really get it. And you can teach a baby to swim without fucking throwing them in the water. It's very strange. That's white people shit. Yeah, I just... I would say. I don't think the black folk, oh this guy's going through my garbage. I don't think the black folk, oh, this guy's going through my garbage.

I don't think the black folk are throwing a baby in a pool. I think they don't swim at all. Don't they not swim? Yeah, I guess that's true. I've never seen one swimming. No, no, boy. They got golf. Black people? Yeah. I suppose so. But I think they'll get to swimming.

I think they're bowling. Bowling is big. No, blacks aren't bowling. That's where you're wrong. Bowling's huge in the black community. Is that right? Yeah, we've talked about this before. Bowling, black, Mookie Betts, one of the great bowlers in America. Oh, wow.

And when I worked at Sears, I had two guys, they were both big bowlers. Bowling is big. I knew they bowled. I didn't know they were pro bowl. Well, that's a different sport. I don't know about the pro bowl, but they like bowling. Okay, they do like bowling, yeah. Let's get some blacks on the horn.

We'd love to, I'd never see them, I'd just never see them at the pro thing, it's always a fat white guy with bad hair. Should we call Chris Allen, find out about the bowling? I know they bowl, but I just don't say don't see them at the championship. Bowling is good, let's have Chris Allen on. We need some guests, oh we can't call Chris. We love you Chris. There you go!

Fat Chris L. But yeah, the bowling. Yeah well I guess it is a black ball taking down some white pinheads. That's what it is. Yeah. The ball goes down there and just kicks the shit out of the pins. You get to knock them over. Yeah. Your mind's in the gutter. You get to wear shoes. Black people like shoes. And slippery shoes. Oh yeah. Black people do love shoes. Whoa, she is gorgeous. All right, stop commenting. Oh my god, with the leopard pants, she looked like that lady that's hot. Oh yeah. DPS guy's going after her. I can't blame him, he's got a nice package. What can Brown do for you? Wait, what were you saying right before that? Throw the baby in the bath water.

Oh yeah, no, I glide him around and teach him how to swim and you got swim lessons and stuff. There's plenty of ways to teach a baby to swim. Many ways to skin a cat, as they say. Yes, yes. We gave the baby a bath last night. Boy, that's a, I put music on and he kicks and loves it. Well, the bath

time is, it's special. It's unbelievable, yeah, that's a, I put music on and he kicks and then loves it. Well, the bath time is, it's, it's special. It's unbelievable. Yeah. It's just the best. Not to get all kweefy on you, but yeah, it's, then you pick him up and you throw him on the towel. He's like, you dry him off. It's like baby Jesus. Yeah. You gotta love it.

Jesus. Yes. So anyways, we got seven more episodes today to do, and I got some hot stuff over here. Oh, great. Now, speaking of the baby, I got some hot stuff over here. Oh great! Now speaking of the baby let me just hop right in here. Hop in my ass. You tell me what you think. Mark Koppis. Is that his name? Koppis. What's your boys name? Mark Koppis. Yeah and Travis Barker. And who's the other one? Tom DeLong. Ah, DeLong. He's the funny one? Tom DeLong. Tom DeLong. DeLong. He's the funny one. Yeah, he's the funniest one,

I think. Mark's really funny though. Okay. All the... Well, damn it, kicked ass. And that album, Dude Ranch, there was some fun stuff. And then they got a little queefy for me. I think it's the singles. The singles were so pop, but the rest of it's really good. Yeah. Craft singles. What about that hot nurse broad on the cover? Oh, Janine. She killed herself? No, she didn't kill herself. She got hit by a bus. You're thinking of somebody else. Throw in the pool. Something happened. I know about it. Something happened. Give Janine a go. I think she died tragically and I ran or one of those. There are some tragic porn star deaths. I don't think she's one though.

She's a porn star? Yeah. I've said this all the time. I've done this on 15 episodes. It's all porn star. There's no porn character actor. What does that mean, porn star? They're a star right away. I don't know. I think it's a it's a it's not a what's the word a lofty profession. It's not really respected. So they go hey fuck you. I'm a star because I starred in one movie. Am I a movie star? Let me be a movie star. No, you're not a star. I'm a movie star. Why not? If she's a porn star, I'm a movie star. You're a movie maker. She's

she's she's pretty good though at porn. Like she's pretty high up. Oh really? Yeah if she's a porn star? I'm a movie star. You're a movie maker. She's she's pretty good though at porn Like she's pretty high up. Oh really? Yeah, she's won a bunch of stuff. She's in the AVN Hall of Fame Wow I think it's the adult video news like those are the AVN awards Yeah They do like they do like an award show every year and they're like best anal, best double penetration. Right, the strippies. Yeah. Simmons hosted that.

He had a good line. He goes, hey, Ron Jeremy, I was stuck behind you at a gas station once. I watched you fill the car up and then right before it was done, you sprayed gas all over the windshield. Oh, that's funny. That's a great thing. That's good. Fitzsimmons is a funny motherfucker.

Funny guy. She's alive for sure. Whatsimmons is a funny motherfucker. Funny guy. She's alive for sure. What? Oh, she's alive. I swear to God. So she swam out of the pool. No big deal. They threw her in.

That was it. She's like 50, mid-50s. Wow. Well, I'd love to have you on there, Janine. Yeah, get Janine on. Garofalo. Ooh, she appeared in a sex tape with Vince Neil. Wow.

That's interesting. Two first names. The country singer. Yes, yes. Neil before me. All right, so you're in the pool. So no, not in the pool. I'm on the flight. Let me tell you what you think of this. Where are you going?

This was six months ago. Oh, shit. I went to Tacoma for a while. I haven't talked about Tacoma too much. I went to 6-7. Tacoma-Roma. 6-7. Is that over yet?

I don't think so. Jesus. Well, it'll be now. We'll see. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to the bathroom. I'm going to the much. I did six, seven. Toyota Tacoma. Tacoma Aroma. Six, seven. Is that over yet? I don't think so.

Jesus. Well, it'll be now when this comes out. So we go out there in six, seven months. So we go out there. We're flying. I got bumped up to first class, which is very exciting. I love the front row. I want, with the baby, you want seats one C and D.

I don't like the front you're up on that wall But when the baby gets to a certain age he wants to kick Kicks and stretches and he wants to stand so the wall is good because there's no one There's no seat to kick kick it so he can Point never thought about the kick so he could and you could put him down There's a little bit of space he can move and not walk real, but he can be on his feet and move over a little bit. True, true that.

And he can throw, if he throws shit, it's not going under a seat and all that stuff. It becomes a great seat. It's a hot tip and it's easier to step out. The bathroom's right there. You can stand in that space when he needs to stretch out. Right, good hack. So we sit there and I'm supposed to be the window,

but Sarah takes the window, which is fine. Why is that? What do you mean? Oh, she just took it. That's just my seat that I had. And I have the baby. He only wants to be with me, which is very touching. It's going to be frustrating.

So I got him on my lap for seven hours on the flight. And your balls become soup Soupy ball. It's just ball soup it cuz you got your tights of all underwear on my balls are sweaty Anyways, then the baby's sweating. So it's just a fucking mushy mashed potato Sweat chop and that gets a little stewy down there. Sorry some dampness and there's stingy Chop and that gets a little stewie down there. Sorry some dampness and there's stingy your skin is pushed up against it's not great They know Stewie Griffin my ball. I'm itchy all the time me too. It's it's really horrible So he's sitting there and now I'm in the aisle She's in the window and we're just getting ready to take off flights boarding. Whatever. Where you going?

Tacoma got it it. That's a long haul. You got that straight. So he's on my lap and he's got, I don't know, a bagel or something like that. And sometimes he'll just throw something. So he just kind of drops it, throws it. So it lands here, but I'm buckled in. So I can't quite reach it. Plus he's on your sack. Yeah. Bend over. So the flight attendant picks it up. The woman. There's a woman flight attendant There's a Latino lady, thick lady, very nice. Okay. She hands me the thing. I go, oh sorry about that. Thank you very much. Appreciate it and then about Eight minutes later we're

Taxiing he has the you know the the safety thing Yeah, and he drops that. So that falls. I go, and then the other flight attendant, large, older black guy, he goes, all right, this ain't going to work. Whoa. And Sarah thought we were getting kicked off the flight.

He goes, this isn't going to work. What, are you a terrorist now because the kid's dropping a bagel? I look at a pamphlet. I go, what's that? And he goes, you want to change seats? Why don't you change seats? What does that mean? I go, I don't want to change seats. What are you talking about? And he goes, I can't have you dropping stuff, throwing stuff.

This baby is a year and a half old. He goes, he can't be throwing stuff. It's going to impede our ability to work. Wow. Who is this guy? And he's dropped two things in the 30 minutes. We've been sitting on the fucking airplane. Yeah. And it's like a pamphlet and a piece of bagel. You gotta get the badge number. And I'm like, um, okay, I'm like smiling, because he's just like a, he's a cocksucker. Yes, yes, cocksucker.

And he goes, uh, yeah, it's not gonna work, so what do you want to do? And he stands over me, he's like, six, five, what do you want to do? You want to move? You want to move back there? And I'm like... Well, what's the difference if he moves back there? You still gonna be dropping shit. Yeah, if he drops I go, okay. Well, I won't I won't give him anything The guy's like well, why don't you switch you gotta switch seats

And I'm like we're taxing. Yeah, I bought a fucking $75,000 seat And I just picked the stuff up impede Impede that a basketball player. Yeah, jail impede And I just picked the stuff up in peed in peed That a basketball player. Yeah, JL impede. Oh How's her embed not not to be queefy but what where's the wife on this shouldn't she be Catching everything. Well, she's over there and she she's like shaking. She thinks we're getting thrown off the flight And I go, okay. Well, I don't want to move. We bought these seats specifically. He goes, all right, well, you're going to have to give them to your wife. And I was like, well, he doesn't like, why are you involved

in who I'm like, okay, well I'll move to her seat. He doesn't, he likes sitting with me and I have them. And he's like, yeah, well, you better switch right now. Gee, I was like, OK, dude, what the fuck? But you're like, yeah, he's not going to keep throwing stuff like it. It's just he dropped a thing. Don't worry about it. I'm sure adults drop shit all the time. Sure. I've dropped. And I just didn't care for his. This isn't going to work.

No, I don't care. Repeating most people that you bump into are like, Oh, hey, does he need help or a gay? So it's a little tooty, I thought. Also, he's the employee. No offense not to get all classist on you, but like the guy, he's supposed to be the friendly air homo. He's up there. He's your waiter. He's bringing you drinks. He's supposed to go, what do you want to Coke Zero? Come on, you chou-jai. He's supposed to be folksy. Air homo. That's the new woke sneaker. The Nike Air Homo's.

Yeah, they pump you up. But I get it if you were in the last row on Air Taliban, and they're like, hey, put the seatbelt on, faggot, whatever, but this is first class, top row, top seat, top dog. Top seat derby? Yesby yes hey that could be something the top seat derby you get a high seat and you rate what's a derby that's a race yeah or a hat yeah a derby Kentucky derby and is the brown derby restaurant it's funny cuz that's a shitty bar in Boston oh really yeah

that's the only brown thing Boston. Oh really? Yeah. That's the only brown thing. Dirty. But yeah, I'm just saying, he's supposed to be, because I was in the back of the plane recently and the guy was so shitty to me and I was like, well, I guess I'm in the back of the plane. But you look up in first class and they're like scuffing the guy's shoes, they're like cleaning them and they're like juggling for the guy.

Like, what do you want? Do you want the peach? Do you want the cobbler? What do you need? But in the back, they're there mean to you but in first class they're never rude like that yeah it was very strange so then I got a little more context he was a he was a queefy son of an onion so I moved to the window which try was supposed to be I'm happier in anyways with sure because it gives us a

little more space so it's whatever I was just a little attitude II but then when you're in the front row you can also hear what's going on. And he was upset because he's talking to the lady who was couldn't have been nicer throughout the whole thing. She was awesome. Thick Latina. And he was going, man, this schedule is disrespectful. He's like that because they were flying to Seattle and back. Next day, they were doing it again. That's tough. So he was upset with the airline I guess because he's like it's just a disrespectful schedule. He's like this is not how you treat people

Jesus I think it was the thing where he was all had his panties in a in a bunch Yeah about the thing so he was taking it out on us, but we were not gonna impede no impede no no So but I don't care for this, you know, well, you know, they say in psychology, it's always something else. You know, they do, it's like when your wife's mad at you for leaving your socks on the floor, but she's actually really pissed because you, you know, put a poker in her ass or whatever. But like, I don't care for the mad about this and take it out on a baby daddy. Well, that's the thing is I didn't do your schedule. Exactly. And he did a couple other things. He also had this

thing that I hate. I guess everyone has this to some degree but he's got the thing where he's like this isn't gonna work. You're gonna have to switch seats. And then he does the announcement and he's like good afternoon everybody. We'll be flying at 31,000 feet at 200 days per day. Yeah. And I'm like well what is that? Why do you use that voice with the impediment speech? Right. I'm just so sick of being scared of the help. You know, don't you feel like that in New York?

You know, everywhere you go, you're like, can I get the grande with the cream in it? And they're like, okay. And you're like, sorry, sorry, cream if you can. Or no cream, whatever you think. And they're like, okay, we'll do it, geez. And I'm like, why am sorry cream if you can or no cream whatever you think and they're like, okay We'll do it. Geez. I'm like, why am I scared of you? Right you work here. I'm the other customer I'm not trying to do one of these customers always right thing, but I'm just saying how about you just give me the neutral Yeah, we have to go all the way to cunt Phil Jimmy neutral give it neutral. Yeah

Well, and I had this... Like Switzerland. Now I had this debate also with my friend Erica, and what was the context of this? Because I said, oh, so I went to POW's Donuts out in Tacoma. POW's Donuts. Yeah, I talked about this before. This is the best donut in America. If you're ever in Tacoma, go to POW's. P A O prisoner of war. Oh, A O. Well, it's all Vietnamese, all donuts, 80% of donuts in America, eight Vietnamese origin. I Charlie something like that. POWs rules, but we go there. I never don't go to POWs. It is the fucking greatest. We go out to POWs. There's the owner. We go out to POWs. And, uh, get a camera out there. Is that, is that, I guess that's illegal.

Well, like I said, people will be able to tell where you live. I could do it. Well, we do a green screen. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. You can do that. Get Rupert on it. He knows how to, doesn't know how to eat greens, but he can probably choose the bowels right now Okay, bow bang. So we're at Funny guy over here. We're at bows and the oven Something broke bag was the guy's name. Okay. Sorry. Keep going. That's how we got conceived Little pop bang.

But the donut hole. So there, I don't know what it's called. There's two ovens, evidently, the puffy oven. It was called- The puffy oven. Has that beat Diddy's Jew record? So I don't know. They could make one kind of donut, but not the other. Okay.

They couldn't make like raised donuts. There was raised, but not the other. Okay. They couldn't make like raised doughnuts. There was raised, but not no raised. There's like brioche and there's a fashion. Yeah. Brioche. Yeah. No bread. Like the, uh, like a Dunkin donuts glazed donut is brioche. And then old fashioned is like thick cake. Yeah. They could make the cake. Yes. Make the soft. I prefer the cake. Well, whatever it was, they couldn't make half. So I went in, I had a nice moment with the Vietnamese man. No, there was an old lady at the end of the line and she goes, boy, I think something's up

up there. It is a long line because it's the best. There's something going on up there. I hope I can get the done. I go, oh, now you're in my head. I can't. What's going on? She's like, they're out of a lot of stuff. She's like, I just hope I can get what I want, because it's all about me. And I went, no, no, it's all about me. And then she went, oh, no, it's about me. And I'm like, I'm telling you, lady, it's about me.

You're flirting with the old bag up there. It was fun. Yeah, it was a fun flirt. Did I tell this story already? No, no, I'm on the edge of my asshole. Here about this old broad you're about to eat out. So we go up there and I get up there and the classic glaze is the best. I go, you're out of glaze. He goes, well, our puffing machine's broken. Right.

I go, oh damn. Okay. Well, I'll get a couple of the donuts. I don't want because you know, we got something. Sure. I go, any idea when the machines will be back up? And he goes, hey pal, I sell the donuts. Okay, that's all I do. Now what do you make of that? Charlie's in the ship, huh? He goes, I just sell the donuts pal. Oh my God. So he wasn't Vietnamese. No, he was. Oh, he was. But he's American. You know, I think they've lived here for generations. Ah, got it, got it, got it. Vietnamese American. So I go, oh, all right. I he's American. You know, I think they've lived here for generations. Ah, I got it, got it, got it. A Vietnamese American. So I go, oh, all right, I just thought maybe...

Now, be honest with me, and I know everyone in the YouTube will write that I'm a piece of shit, but I'm like... I don't know, maybe you have that, maybe it's like, yeah, I'll be ready in 10 minutes. Yeah, exactly. Maybe you'll be ready tomorrow. Again! It's not a crazy question. Why is the service industry all a bunch of coos is now? Well, because it's, first of all, my friend my friends live in Gig Harbor so you have to pay a toll to get out there. It's a longer ride so it's like I don't want to drive all the way out here if it's gonna be... maybe there's a guy fixing it right now.

It's not a crazy question. It's not a crazy question. Now tell me where you land on this debate. So then I tell Erica I was like I was frustrated not to be shitty and she goes well he's probably been asked that 50 times already. Put a sign up. That's exactly what I said. I was like, well, put a big sign up. Also, he has been asked by me. Right? This is my point. It takes just as much effort to go. Nah, I don't know. It's a bummer. I don't know. Hopefully, hopefully soon.

Right? Hopefully soon. Or I actually I don't know. I wish I did. Or, yeah, hopefully it'll be up soon. Right. Hopefully soon. Or I actually I don't know. I wish I did. Or yeah. Hopefully it'll be up soon and maybe tomorrow. Who knows. It takes just as much effort to do that as it's as easy to be kind as it is to be rude. Yeah. Yeah. I think just people they wear thin. I agree with you. But I think it because you've had that where somebody goes what time do you go on? What time do you go on uh what time do you go on what time do you go on what time do you go on like the 13th guy who asked that you're like i don't fucking know jesus so it's a it's a snap judgment or what do you call it an emotional reaction i suppose so

not defending it but that's how people are well i mean i i understand your example the example is a little different because you're like well the show is at eight it says it the ticket. That's when the show is and you got to watch the whole show. You can't just show up 45 minutes in. That's what they want to do. But I hear you and sometimes, yeah, I mean, I've had moments obviously where you snap, you get upset, but you're like, I'm a customer. I'm a customer. I want to, and maybe you have the info. I don't think it's a crazy question to say, do know when the doughnuts will be working again and then put a sign just a piece of paper with some scribble scratch that goes Machine is out. We're looking into it. I'm sorry I apologize for your inconvenience at this time whatever Trump said for this matter, right?

But thank you for the attention to this matter. I still love piles. I'll go right back there It's the greatest doughnut I ever had and everyone should go check it out. Well I'm glad you're giving a shout out because it's you said it's a great donut but this cum-guzzling Vietnamese man needs to hear this. Well maybe you know he's upset and again maybe his girlfriend cheated on him. Maybe you know whatever. Donut asshole. Whatever it is and hopefully that machines back up and running. Well you know about the cuz I'm a big McDonald's ice cream cunt. Oh I'm a big McDonald's burger fry cunt. I love that swirly, coney, jizzy, milky, white vanilla.

Mm-hmm. Unlike the neighborhood. But yeah, give me the vanilla ice cream and the machine is always down. 80% of the time it's down. Famously, yes. And do you know the conspiracy? I don't know the conspiracy. I'm about to blow your tits right off. And give us a goog if you don't believe me there, check, check. Well, you know me. I love conspiracy. So they're made by this company called Meyer or something like that, or Townsend, some name. So the machines are made by this group. Now they have to be serviced. They build them so they break. So then you got to get the service and only the Meyer company knows how to make them. So now you're

paying for this machine and then the service. So they're double dipping. So then everybody started getting annoyed. So this one company, this engineering company goes, we're gonna make another service that can fix the machines faster and cheaper. Then Meyer got word of that and tried to shut that machine down, that company down by suing them. Give it a gook. So then, now this team is pissed

because they're like, hey, we just started a company You can't sue us for trying to fix machines faster than you so they They Meyer is such a diabolical cunt they sent a spy into the new company that just broke them from the inside out or whatever and Then eventually they sued back and they won so now the machines are better better. But this one Meyer company is just a bunch of dicks who are greasing the system. So the machines are working better than ever now. Yes.

OK. Because they had to put their foot down on this corrupt company. Now this doesn't just happen at McDonald's, because I think Wendy's, that's a big thing too. The frosty machines. Oh, really? That's a big frosty thing.

So maybe they pulled the same move. Maybe, maybe. Let me know when you got something there, Blink 188. By the way, we've been eating from the ice cream truck every day, just a soft serve, twist from the ice cream truck every day and it's f**k, I'm fat as s**t but it's wonderful. Is it softy? Oh yeah. Yeah, it's so good and it's like three bucks, it's a simple pleasure but boy it hits the spot.

It's so nice. That's lunch. It's like a spoon that's like sharp on the corners and then your mouth gets all... I just go cone all day. Oh, I hate a cone. What? It's too drippy, it's all drippy. Cone brothers.

You're just, you're rushing, it's going down your wrist and your ankle and I don't want a crunch either. Whoa, man, but it's such a crunchy, softy crunch. I don't know. I like very few crunchy things. My wise panties is it. I'm with you on that. I don't love hard food.

A biscoff, biscotti, crouton. Too hard. I like a chip with dip. I like a salsa and queso. But that's a thin chip. Yes, it's thin. Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

But these hard foods, I'm with you. I just never like a... Oh, there's that lady again. No. That's Palmea. Well, what do you got on the machine? So it says, this is when the lawsuit was settled. Before this week, most of McDonald's ice cream makers

could only be fixed through the machines manufacturer. The Digital Millennium Copyright Act, which protects the code embedded in the ice cream machines, made it illegal for third parties like McDonald's and franchisee owners to break the digital locks installed by manufacturers. So how did the other guy get in? They must have the lock code.

Wow. The new rule, which went into effect Monday, allows outside vendors to fix them. Thank you. This includes McDonald's ice cream machines. Now this is on Monday. What's the date on this? This is like 2000.

This is November 2004. Oh, it doesn't. 2024. Sorry. 24. Oh, it's very, very pretty recent. They start in the fifties. Oh yeah. Yeah. 70 something years. They've just been monopolizing these machines. I think that basically there was a law where it's like if you create something, you could be like only we can do it and they had to overturn the law. It seems like or some sort of version of the the Millennium Copyright Act. Look, it'd be like, only we can do it. And they had to overturn the law, it seems like, or some sort of version of the Millennium Copyright Act.

And look, it'd be one thing if the machines were working all the time. Oh, we got our guy in here. He fixed it in 10 seconds. But it never worked. Right. Wow. That's a fun little, uh.

Could be a movie. That feels like a movie. Absolutely. Hey, folks. Joe's Stories brought to you by BetterHelp. Workplace stress is now one of the top causes of declining mental health. Sixty-one percent of the workforce is experiencing higher than normal levels of stress. Don't be another statistic.

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I don't know if I liked it enough. I love Keaton. Well, what I like about you is you're still, don't you feel like movies have fizzled a little bit? Like in the old days, a movie came out. We were like, we got to see the movie. Then everyone talked about the movie for 10 weeks at the water cooler Shawshank, you know, 1994 we always say is the craziest year for movies. And now it's like, you see that? It almost feels like a chore. But not for you. You still go. I try to go on the road and everything, but it is a completely different thing. In the 90s, every movie had people in it. It like half full. Worst case scenario. It was like

half full for every movie. You'd go and it was awesome. Oh, it's so depressing. It's so depressing. It was part of the cult. You got you got fingered at a movie, like the popcorn dick move, you know, like the talking guy in the movie. It was all these cultural little things and now it's all gone. And it's just fucking commercial. You watch 45 minutes of fucking Coca-Cola commercials. It makes me furious. Yeah, a lot of previews, all that shit. They say Top Gun really did some numbers. Yeah, but then Mission Impossible just lost $700,000 or something. Is that right?

I think it lost hundreds of millions of dollars. Boy, that Tom Cruise is really working. But I love Tom Cruise. Although I've seen so few of his movies the last 20 years because it's all. That's what I'm saying. Wacky. Yeah. Jumping around. And how many of how many Mission Impossible can you see? I get it. They're well done.

They're cool. But like you see one thing, you see them all. It seemed after a while, the missions seem pretty possible. Oh, really? Well, I'm just saying there's been like 12 of them. Yeah that's true. It keeps pulling off. That's true yeah good point. It's a possible mission. This could be a bit. What's the deal with the missions? They're very possible. They're possible. Why hasn't he died? That's another thing why hasn't he died? He's like on the edge of a cliff eating a guy out and you're like, how is this guy not dead yet? He's 68.

Now, how about the Wulford Brimley Tom Cruise? Who? You know about the meme, the whole thing? Wulford Brimley in Cocoon. Oh yeah. So everybody compares him. He's playing like an old man. He's literally playing a senior citizen in Cocoon. I know. And Tom Cruise was in like days of thunder or whatever. He's like hanging off a plane. That's true. They do with Paul Rudd as well. Paul Rudd, Wilford Brimley. That's a popular one. Yeah. You know, it's crazy. Ralph Macchio is now older than Miyagi was in the movie. Wow. Isn't that a mind dick? What do you think? Speaking of conspiracies and theories,

what do you think is the reason people look so much younger now? Because one conspiracy, not conspiracy, one theory is hydration. Oh, that's big. Remember George Carlin had the whole bed. Everyone went out and got thirsty. When I was a young kid, there was no bottled water. You never ever, ever saw people know bottle water. That didn't happen until like like I feel like after we were in high school. This is big. This has got legs. So some people think that's a big part of it is people just did not drink water in the 70s and 80s. Not only did they not drink water, they smoked a lot, they drank a lot more, and there was no

nutrition facts at all. And then we ate better because food was healthier, I think. Right. But how much healthier? I think sunblock too. I think also the prevalence of cameras and video and social media makes people much more actively like, oh my god, I gotta moisturize, I gotta get things in my tits or whatever. You know what's a big one? Teeth. You watch a movie in the 90s, everyone has like beige teeth. Like a celebrity supermodel had beige teeth, because that was the best you could get your teeth.

Right. And now it's like dental strip, crust whitening, all that shit. Right. All that shit you love. Honey, you know I don't need that shit. Because I mean, the craziest one, and no one ever brings this up, look up Clemenza Godfather, 1972. This man, Richard Castellano, is 38 years old. Wow. Get a look at what this fat fuck looks like. He's literally in his 30s. Wait, is he the guy from Rocky? No. Oh, I'm thinking of the fat guy.

Look at that! Holy shit! He's in his 30s! Can we hold this up for the camera? Wow! Look at this! Wow! This man's 38! That is terrific! Ah! I'm eating here! He looks like a basketball! That's bad news. Yeah, he looks like a deflated basketball. It's crazy. So everybody looks at it, but I think, yeah, I think smoking, some, and I think they boozed more. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they just drank. And then you didn't drink a glass of water unless you were like, parched. We just have water all day long going in and out, but they just drank water. They would wake up, smoke a cigarette and have a Coca-Cola. Yeah. And then smoke inside. Now you can't really do that in most places. I think that's part of it, so you'd have yucky skin.

I think hair transplants are bigger. I think Botox is out there. I think sunblock is big. Probably more hair dye and such. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I had another thing about this. Now I get the, oh, Mrs.. Robinson try to guess how old she was in the movie 36 39 39 the whole movie is about her being an old disgusting cougar

and then now you're like she's 39 right JLo's 51 and she looks amazing yeah and I think she's only a few years older than Katherine Ross who's so hot who's playing her daughter Oh really? Yeah, I think there's like four or five year age difference or maybe it's her and Dustin Hoppin of a Yeah, it's a it's a strange Thing and I guess it'll keep getting crazier people look younger Yeah, I guess so I mean it's good news for the future generation because all you hear is doom and gloom. Kids today, they're on all kinds of meds and they're depressed and the anxiety and the suicide. But hey, you're looking good, kids. Yeah, you look young or

adults, I should say. Are we going to live longer though? Yeah, I think we're going to live longer. And then AI, I mean, if it doesn't just kill all of us and rape us, it'll cure cancer and AIDS and all that stuff Let's hope so my dad's 70 and he's like he owns a landscaping company. He's still like shovel snow He's like a lunatic. He drove down and helped me move. He's lifting stuff 70 Wow My grandfather just turned 100 and look at presidents. I mean Biden Trump Trump's about 83 78. I think oh I think he's in his 80s. Trump's not in his 80s. I think at the end of his term he'll be in his 80s. I think he's 78-79. What am I thinking of Biden? Biden's in his 80s. Oh he's he

just turned 79 like last week or something. Oh yeah because his birthday was the fucking stupid parade thing. I was there for it. It was terrible. You were there? Really? Dude I was there for Warp Tour and it was the same weekend. Oh I thought they like meshed. It was terrible. You were there? Really? Dude. I was there for Warp Tour. Oh. And it was the same weekend. Oh, I thought they like meshed. It was crazy. They blocked off so much of Washington DC. It's like we walked like 14 miles because of everything you had to go around. It was absolutely insane. Wow. The guy's going gay. He's Pride Month. He broke up with a guy. Now he has a parade. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah and about a year ago he was blasted in the face by a young boy. Which one's that? What's that reference? He got shot in the

face. Oh okay I had to go back a year for a closer. That's not bad. That's pretty good. All right it took you a second but we got there. How about the Epstein thing? Don't you want to know more about this Epstein? Like clearly Trump was just fucking kids, teenagers. I guess, yeah. I mean... No one seems to care. Bill Clinton, everybody let that one slide. Stephen Hawking, we're like, ah, the guy's got no legs. Lieutenant Dan was there. Oh yeah, what did Steve Hawking do? He was there. He was eating girls out and driving around on the sand with that little scooter.

I say good for that. If you're not caught in the act, hey, good on you. He went out happy. It's only cheating if you get caught. You know, it's like that kind of thing. Right, right. You go out and you have unsolicited sex with underage women on an island because you're a billionaire. But what a bummer. Have fun. Because you see that list. It's like Chelsea Handler and Tom Cruz and all these fun people.

Then you're like, imagine you got stuck with the Stephen Hawking trip. You're like, we got to wait 10 minutes for this guy to be loaded up on the jet. And then you're like, oh, he's all goofy and weird looking. It really takes the fun out of fucking a tween. It's like doing a Ruba Ray's gig. You're like, oh god, I got stuck with fucking. Bill Gates?

Yeah. Boring. Yeah. Give me a, you know, Harvey Weinstein or Cosby or something. Sure. Oh, I had a thing. Oh, let me, let me run this by you. Please. So this weekend, this will now be in, you know, the 2026. This comes out, yeah. Yeah. Trouble willbee in his 80s. But I got a gig in Eugene. Oregon. Thank you. Levy. Then San Jose. No way Jose. Jose Paella, whatever his name is. Jose and Jose B. So I got a gig in Boom Boom and then. Boom Boom. Boom Boom. Oh I see. Up, down, Pacific coastline. I love that pack coast. Pack sun, fudge pack. So I go, okay.

Tough packer. Hey, Eugene's selling good. All right, Eugene. Okay, looking good, Eugene Levy. Nike. And then San Jose, which I go to all the time, done the improv, done the theater there, added shows, it's selling horrifically. I go, what's up with this?

Maybe just one of those things. I don't know. I ran the Ayatollah, who knows what's going on. So I go, weird. So I start doing a little sniffing. I'm Googling around, I'm tweeting, I'm twatting. Shane Gillis at the arena. Oh, God.

Everybody's going to the Gillis show. arena. Oh god. Everybody's going to the Gillis show. Oh that's brutal. That's appalling. You can't beat the Gill. No, nobody beats the Gill. He's like the Wiz. He beats the Wiz. So I'm like, oh. And then I go, let me Google a little further here. Same group, Outback. You know that's our promoter.

Outback. You know you got Live Nation. Outback's the know that's our promoter. Outback? You know you got Live Nation? Uh-huh. Outback's the one I'm with. Oh, they're a competitor to Live Nation. Oh, I see. No, I'll get bummed. But so I go beep boop bop bop bop. Hey, Agent! Secret Agent Man. What the fuck's going on with the boopity boop of all the cities and all the world? You're gonna put me with the biggest comic in the country?" And they go, Yeah, we really fucked up. We goofed.

We really screwed that up, didn't we? Well, this has to happen everywhere because he's on tour all the time. There must be comics just in his wake getting annihilated everywhere. I know, I know. So I go, I better get a Trump impression and a gook alarm because, you know, because I got to sell some tickets. So my agent goes, let me call you back. I'm going to go yell at some Jews and bomb a small village. And I was like, all right, great. Phone rings a half hour later. They go, yeah, we got a solution. I go, okay, how are we going to pull this off?

Maybe I'll open for him. Maybe I'll do a show after him, or we call a bomb threat on his show something's got to give. That's not bad. And they go, yeah, we canceled your show, we're going to move it. So that's the solution. Oh, geez. Well, that's okay. That's probably people are happy.

The fans are probably thrilled too. They go, okay, now we can save up our money. And see both? See the other show. Yeah. Maybe, maybe. I feel like you go spend eight million on an arena and then you go yeah we're out of money for the other guy but I think he keeps his tickets at 50 bucks that's what I heard that's true you got to respect that that's a he's a man of the people so I

go okay so now what do we do we got an open Saturday so my manager goes how about this you haven't been LA in while. Go down to the City of Angels, Tinseltown, La La Land. Do a night at the store, headline the main room. I go, I love it. Wonderful. So here's what we're gonna do. Way better than going home to your kid. Yeah, well, the calendar was full. But so I go, well, the store is only what, 350 seats? That's not that much. What else we got? And he goes, how about this?

You do the store at 10, you do another club at seven, you headline that. So we're gonna headline the- Improv. No. Life Factory. No. Ice House.

Ooh! Pasadena. So you're gonna run all the way across from Pasadena to Hollywood? You do a 7 o'clock, ends at 8.30. Okay. Now you got an hour and a half to get to Sunset Bull. Wow. That's a hell of a night. That's a night, huh? That's two legendary rooms in a legendary city.

Yes. That is going to be something else. I'm calling ICE. I'm calling the firemen. We're all going to go out there and hopefully have a legendary city. Yes. That is going to be something else. I'm calling ICE. I'm calling the the firemen. We're all going to go out there and hopefully have a good time. And then I'll fly home on Sunday. Well, and the city is so big and thickly settled that that's two different markets. Almost. Oh, you know, like you can hit Boston Market. Yeah. Market Norman. Then Market Curry. Right. Right.

I like it. Steph Curry. Steph Curry so boy that Air India really went out of the went to hell huh yeah so Air India crashed and then one guy in 11 B and that 11 a I thought 11 a sorry B is crazy that's the middle seat oh yeah good point here dies the guy here dies what he fell out of the window no and his brother was on the flight oh is that right I think I think so. That's what I heard. I only heard bits and pieces. I didn't watch a full thing. I was just getting nips and nibbles. Wow. Well he walked away. That's the crazy... he wasn't even just like, I'm alive, I'm in a pile of rubble, my legs don't work. Stephen Hawking, he walked out of it and went, whoo, I'm

going to Sizzler. That's unbelievable. Unbelievable, imagine that drop. You know, just like, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, everyone dies, but you, you gotta, this guy needs to be like doing motivational speeches or Ted Talk, something's up with this guy. Well, when everybody gets the breakdown, like the John Boy breakdown of how he survived. John Boy?

You don't know John Boy? I know John Man. No, John with an M. John, no. I don't know what a John is. John Boy is the greatest thing that ever happened in my life to baseball to YouTube. Oh, okay. Well, we'll get to that. Okay. It's, he's the greatest. But anyways, he breaks down sports stuff. But when it's broken down how he survived 11a shoot me that link yes that's what I will watch how was it the spontaneous combustion the oxygen the thing can we get him on I'd love to pick his Indian brain well we'd have to go easy on the jokes that's true yeah we've already done curry but we can't do like the you know you can't do that stuff yeah maybe after the crash you spelled better oh boy who knows just curious so I gotta know I cuz I assume they're gonna do a myths and facts or myth busters or a

doc like a sully thing yeah give me get whenever it's out because I don't have my ear to the grindstone anymore no but send it my way give. Yeah, give me, whenever it's out, because I don't have my ear to the grindstone anymore. No, no. But send it my way. Give me the link. Give me, not an article. I can't read. Give me a video with like cartoon characters. Yes, yes. Because I got to find out what happened with this kid. Me too. Get Nathan Fielder on it. And then like, does he just give talks all over the country or does he start a business like Man Alive or something? He's got to have a sneaker factory, something where he's like, he sells toy planes or whatever. Oh, he got to have purpose now. He's got to go out and save kittens. Yes.

And save dogs and neuter his cats, whatever. Something. This guy should do public appearances. Yeah. So anyways, but that must have nightmares and guilt. I think his brother was on the flight. Can we get a read on that? Wow, that's a bummer. Yeah. Air India. Yikes. I mean, you got to be set for life, right? Like Air India's got to throw you a bone.

Oh, I imagine so. Otherwise, you could just go on a speaking tour about like, fuck air India, especially if your brother kicked off. What's his name? No, no air India 11a. Yeah. He's whatever. It doesn't matter. I'll move off of this in 10 seconds. Yeah. Just keep just a crazy story. Just to walk away. What, what the hell? Oh, we talk about Gillis. Yeah, this one, they're going to be upset about this because they were like, this was nine weeks ago. I know. Whatever it is. But still, I mean, I mean, now here's a question. Oh, yeah. His brother was on it. Oh, damn. He was also on the flight. Doesn't say if he was like next time or anything,

but he did die. Everyone died. I thought of this the other day. You know, your emotions are heightened on a flight. Yes, I hear about this. They say it's like a factual scientific thing. For some reason being 8 million feet in the air makes you like heightened. Sadder, happier, gayer, whatever. So imagine being on a flight going down. How emotional you are. You're already emotional, now it's heightened. Right. Well those 9-11 phone calls,-eleven folk every once in a while and devastating oh wild wild thank God we got bedlawn oh later but yeah just the money I get I see a cookie on a flight I'm like ah cookie because you're heightened yes yeah I

don't notice the heightened emotion but I'm so dead. I got problems. No, you got stuff, Cole. You're a sensitive John Boy. Well, I got sensitivity. I did Ronan's wedding yesterday. People were crying. I'm like... That's different. Afterwards, people were like, that was so touching, and they cry, and I go, oh my God, and I go, well, whatever, I just threw it together. I don't really care. Yeah, I'll cry at his next wedding. But...

Who the fuck's John boy? I told you he's a baseball guy. He breaks down the baseball but you love it. He does lip reading. He's a lip reading. I like that. I talked about him on Rogan. I think he got a Rogan bump from me. All right, Johnny. That's what I think. Why with an M John? You know, I don't know. His name is Jimmy. I got a bit of a thing for him. He's very handsome. He's hilarious. Oh yeah, he's wonderful. I spend hours of my thing for him. He's very handsome. He's hilarious. Oh yeah, he's wonderful. I spend hours of my life watching him. He's like a hey, batter, batter guy?

No, no hey, batter, batter. He breaks down. He's very silly. No, no, he does, whenever there's a crazy play or an argument. You know how you watch like an umpire, well, you're not really a big baseball guy, but when the manager and umpire argue. I like that. You wonder what the hell are they saying?

What's going on there? He breaks it all down. He lip reads the whole thing. That's genius. And he goes down and he does the voices and it's really, he's like a brilliant talent. Now MLB, Vagely Baseball, they just signed him up. They brought him in. They're like, we'll give you $78 million to work for us because he's the best part of the game. Was he a Blonde, not a blind, a deaf guy? Like, does he know a deaf con six? How does he know to lip read? I think he just practiced.

I don't really know his full story. Yeah, for some. But and he does all these other things now. He breaks down like things you missed in sports. He'll talk about cricket and all this stuff. It's all I watch. You ever notice on those NFL games, they'll be like, hey, you fucking...

They put the map in front of them, the menu. Yeah, they do that now sometimes too because I think they're aware, but sometimes I think now he's so big the managers will confirm whether or not he got it right. He's like, that is what I was saying. Wow, that's crazy. What a nice little tool to have. Oh, it's awesome. It's the greatest. Wow. She's not a novelty act, George. You could bring up for parties. She says, no, forget it. Let her go. It's a skill like juggling.

That's one of my all time favorite scenes. Yes, I'll do it. I got a couple other things here. Please, please. Sorry, I hogged it with the Indian air and the Shane Gillis bump. I got a few things here. I got to pick my points, but we got to do two more episodes in three days. You got that right, Fetty. I got a lot of stuff. I got an idea.

What? I think one of them should be a full hour of Q&A-nal. Me and Mark talked about it. I think we brought that up. Oh, I thought you were going to say just you and Mark. I was like, well. Oh, lose the whole program. No, I think I'll stick it home. I think one of those will be cool,

because it's like a Patreon preview, and it kind of fills up the content. OK. And it's interactive. It's interactive. Well, I got more content here. Content me. How about this?

So how much time do I have? Because this might be a tail. You got 13. 13 minutes. Oh my God. I got to get to the other stupid. Very lucky. So 13 going on 30. So we're in the park over there at Battery Park City, which is the fucking greatest place on Earth. I'll tell you, you walk up to your apartment, you see that water. It's really something special.

They had a midsummer Swedish mids. You know, thatsommar yes yes that's like a real party thing they had a Swedish midsummer festival all the women had flowers in their hair and there was music and music everywhere it was packed it was like it was crazy oh yeah it's really special over there i'm very happy uh but we're in the park and there was like some kids karate class going on like little little kids four years old or something. I beat the shit of them. And then there's a guy, little Spanish guy, he's got a little dog, one of these little battery dogs. And Marty loves dogs so he's letting the dog run around and Marty's chasing the dog. It's off the leash, running around.

Hell yeah, comics unleashed. And the dog goes over. There's an old, you know these old New York people that they have like a cane, and they're fat and gross. Yes, yeah, I know them well. And they're like, excuse me, can I get them? Like one of these. Yeah, yeah, those are bad people.

So this lady, for some reason she's standing, she must have a grandchild or she might just be a weirdo. She's standing with the karate people. I got a video that just catches the end of this. The dog runs into the karate area near the woman, this old lady, and she goes, I got, I'll play the video. You videoed it. I well I was videoing Marty chasing the dog but the video catches the very end of her screaming and it's crazier than like you think I'm like joking it's crazier than that. You're a brutal. High pitched high volume and she's like in her 60s. Bummer. She goes, get the dog! Get this dog away from him!

Get him away from the kids! What? Yeah. And I go, what the fuck? And she goes, she points at me. Get this dog away from the kids! She's like the wicked witch. It was insane.

She must have some kind of autism or dog fear, whatever. Right, Dr. Dog. And I go, it's not my dog, lady. And she goes, he's gonna bite the kids! Jesus, doesn't she know we live in rat town? There's a fucking big beaver rat every 10 feet. It's rats four to one. 32 million rats in this fucking city. Wow! And she screams and she goes, Get him on a leash! Get him on a leash! Pointing at me and I go, It's not my dog lady, calm down!

Wow! And she goes, He's gonna bite one of the kids, you'll see! And I'm like, You're scaring the kids! Yes! Relax! Relax! You're the pigeon bitch! And she's like, A bag lady psycho!

And she's like, She's like, There's rules! There are rules. And she's yelling at me. Where's the Hispanic cunt? He's just sitting, he's like a loungy guy. He's like- He's a siesta. He's just one of these guys that's chill. Wow. And I go, hey lady, it's not my fucking dog.

It was crazy. Sure. I didn't say fuck. Yeah. This is nuts. And she's screaming, literally all the kids are shaking, looking. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I wanna take the cane and beat her over the head and neck with it

raising canes by the way this Spanish guy's real lackadaisical for all the deportations coming along that dog bites one kid he's out see he was he was lax all right but then he came over and he was like that's crazy she's loco yeah and I was like that was psychotic I don't know but it's so weird to get like screamed at you're like I have nothing to do with this you want the dog to bite her oh I would have loved it but she must have been bitten on the face because she's ugly and scared of dogs right right I mean people think I'm scared of the cat this was like let me see if I can find the piercing high Can we get the- I want the piercing high-pitched bitch scream.

You can hear the beginning of it. Hold on, this might take a second to find. Okay, okay. You've fulfilled the tie, but it's only the last thing, because I didn't realize it was going to be an incident or else I would have kept filming. Marty loves an animal. He sees Greg and he's just like, ahhh, he goes after him like a zombie chasing brains. Big dog guy, big animal guy. Unlike you, he likes a good animal. Well I love dogs, cats are gay. I feel like a cat is more manageable, quieter, easier, they don't need as much love. The dog comes in, he's up in your asshole, he's licking your taint. Actually that

sounds pretty good. Yeah I love that. I take it all back. Let me find this. Play that guard dog behind a fence. Ha ha ha! You can't even walk down the street. Oh, this is it. OK, here he is chasing the dog. Oh, how cute. Chasing the dog. You got to hear at the very last second. OK, I can't wait. Get the mic up on there. Fast dog. Very fast. That's a beautiful thing. We got it. He got the dog.

Don't bump his face, just pet his butt. Just pet his back like this. Nice and soft. Oh, I heard it! I heard it! Wow! That was like a pig squeal. Wait, he's very gentle with the dog.

Most kids kick the dog and butt-grab their dicks. Cute little dog. We got to post this. That was crazy! As you see the dog, the dog is the size of my shoe. It's a little black mutt. Yeah. Ah! That was crazy. Thank God you caught a little. I know and I wish I didn't stop because she started screaming at me like fucking like John Boy could lip read. It's

literally like when you take you know when they got the balloon and you do this one. Yeah. That's what it sounds like. Holy shit that lady is high pitched. But you're just like, oh wow and you realize that the city has we have all kinds of crazy. That's what's great about New York City. Yes. We have every kind of lunatic. You got that right. We got the guy who's eating out of a shoe. We got the guy who's jumping on windshield. Yep. Yep. Yep. The lady in frayed a dog. Right.

You got the guy going through the garbage. Then you got the happy weirdo who's just like, hey, everybody. Oh, what are you doing later? And you're like, whoa, get that guy out of here. Well, and you have the dog owner who's like, I don't know man, he runs around, what do I care? Well, that's the thing, everything's, New York is just fast talking, you know, forget about it, like a bunch of ratso rizzos. But it's every taste of the rainbow. We got it all. Rupert lives, well he lives in New Jersey, but when he squeezes through the tunnel, he's here and he's just regular. I don't know.

I'm sorry, Rupert. I'm trying to just keep a gag going. He's doing great. You know, the stay puffed. I see Rupert. I go, ah, think of something nice. Don't cross the streams. But anyways, that was that.

That was crazy. Wow! I wish I had a visual on this broad. Yeah, she's... I wonder if I... Oh, baby. Have you got a look? Did she have a bunch of bags and garbage with her? Yeah, she was not... But she's a regular lady. She's like a grandma because

she had... Oh, I take so many fucking photos. You really do? Wow, that's crazy. I mean like thousands. But good for a big mawr for, I've never seen a child pet a dog so gently. Most kids really. Oh yeah, he's good. Headlock and bite it and lick it.

Oh, no, this is a different day. Different day. Well, call in if you know this lady or if the lady's, maybe she's a gay. That'll be fun if she's listening. We'd love to meet you, we'll have have you on and we'd love to have her in the air India guy there's the video let me see if you see her at all no I don't think you see her cuz I just have it on him we could play this right cuz I feel guilty looking at this I don't want to play cuz he's my son's in there yeah

just the I guess you're right there's the beginning of it well I turn the camera maybe all you're seeing is a boy running on grass wait she might appear here now cuz she's in there she's also in the square with the ball she's so close look at just the gate on this kid he's like Kyle Turley oh he's fast watch see oh you can see her I just saw her hold on hold on hold on okay that's her right there boy he is fast where where that's her in the corner hold on, hold on. Okay. That's her right there. Boy, he is fast. Where, where? That's her in the corner, hold on.

Standing? Yes, that's her with the cane. Oh, I pictured different. All right, let me get this. Oh, there we go. Enhance, enhance. Okay, I'm zooming. Yeah, she's got the hat.

And she's got a fanny pack. And a mask, not surprisingly. Yeah, yeah, wow. This is her, okay, this is the best we're gonna be able to do, I think. Fanny pack and a mask not surprisingly. Yeah. Yeah. Wow The best we're gonna be able to do I think she's kind of the grant the mom on Goonies the scary mom goofy hat Okay, I'm saying I'm sending it to you She's got like a Safari hat a safari hat a mask sunglasses

and hat on. A safari hat, a mask, sunglasses, tights. And tights and I think orange crocs maybe. Swollen legs. Big cankles. Here it comes. There you go. How about that work I just did? That was John Boyd. That was great. Well, that we could post. There she goes. There she is right there. There she goes. And it's fun to see her right before the incident, you know? Yeah. I caught her in the frame or the corner of the movie. Oh, she's got the cane, yeah. Yeah, I'm telling you. What did she do?

I was picturing her on a park bench trying to read or something. What was she staring at you? Well, I don't even know if she has a kid. Because the martial arts was all coned up. So she entered into the martial arts. And the kids were all like, why is this lady screaming? And I'm like, you're going to traumatize the kids. Yes.

Because they see a little dog that runs on batteries right and then some fucking stinky lunatic screams out so now they're like I should be afraid of dogs this old fat lady is well they should have sicked her like get the the 12 martial artists and judo chop her fucking fat neck oh boy oh that was bad news I don't even know what it said but I know what that is all right well I'm gonna wrap this up here folks all right we gotta wrap it up this has been a great show I got a deal with one of these fucking things well your, you're past schedule actually, so. Oh yeah, I gotta run.

I gotta go to the regs. I'm gonna be super late. Where are you gonna be there, Dickless? They need to see the baby. I'm so gay. Where am I? I don't know, this comes out in September of 98. July 21st.

Yikes, Jesus. I'm in Woodstock, New York, and Northampton, Massachusetts this weekend. Thursday, Northampton. Saturday week and Thursday Northampton Saturday Woodstock and then back after a long month on the road watch small ball we're approaching I don't know hopefully a million by this point maybe who knows watch that join the patreon I just spent all my money on a month-long trip so get on the patreon and September 11th to the 13th Denver Comedy Works a bunch of the

dates coming up hell yeah fun club I'm in Calgary at the Great Outdoors in Las Vegas at the Palazzo, then we're in Dallas, Dayton, Ohio, Akron, Ohio, Ottawa, Ontario, then we're in Huntsville, Alabama, Hattiesburg, Mississippi, Boulder, Colorado, let's sell that puppy out. One show sold, we added another one, Let's get them both cooking. Doing Seth Rogen's Hilarity for Charity in New York City. Yeah, that'll be fun. It's a fun lineup. I wanna talk to them about the studio.

And yeah, my Goobies, I'm going back there because I gotta build a new hour in Baltimore. So yeah, let's sell it all out. We're cooking, we're quacking. We'll see you in San Jose. We've got a makeup date for September 25th and then Rochester makeup date in November. So just because the show has moved doesn't mean it's not happening. Get some bodega kit, get on the Patreon. What do you got? Chuckles. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. It's funbearablepod.com. It's with comedian

Ray Harrington and Brad Rohr. A lot of fun stuff. Not sure what's going on at this point in time in the future, but it's a good fun thing. Yeah, we're doing a good time. All right. Thanks for being here. Sorry we pre-recorded, but these are all evergreen, I think. Yeah. The war's over. Air India, still up. Still flying. So yeah, we'll see you in hell and then find this old lady and yell at her. Stick a dog on her. Cut this motherfucker right in the gullet. God damnit.

God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit.

God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit. God damnit.

God damnit. God damnit. God damnit.